Chapter 17

Carmarthen, April 12, 1836.ASwe intend to enter the MATRIMONIAL STATE onThursday, the 5th ofMaynext, we are encouraged by our Friends to make a BIDDING on the occasion the same Day, at the Sign of theAngel, situate inLammas-Street; when and where the favour of your good and agreeable Company is most humbly solicited, and whatever donation you may be pleased to confer on us then, will be thankfully received, warmly acknowledged, and cheerfully repaid whenever called for on a similar occasion,By your most obedient humble Servants,DAVID DANIEL(Shoemaker,)RUTH EVANS.TheYoung Man, and his Mother, (Mary Daniel,) and his Brother and Sister (Joshua and Anne,) desire that all gifts of the above nature due to them, be returned on the said Day, and will be thankful for all favours granted.Also, the Young Woman, and her Mother (Sarah Evans,) and her Grand-father and Grand-mother (John and Frances Evans,) desire that all Gifts of the above nature due to them, be returned on the above Day, and will be thankful with her Uncle and Aunt (Benjamin and Margaret Evans, Penrhywcoion,) for all additional favours granted.

Carmarthen, April 12, 1836.

ASwe intend to enter the MATRIMONIAL STATE onThursday, the 5th ofMaynext, we are encouraged by our Friends to make a BIDDING on the occasion the same Day, at the Sign of theAngel, situate inLammas-Street; when and where the favour of your good and agreeable Company is most humbly solicited, and whatever donation you may be pleased to confer on us then, will be thankfully received, warmly acknowledged, and cheerfully repaid whenever called for on a similar occasion,

By your most obedient humble Servants,DAVID DANIEL(Shoemaker,)RUTH EVANS.

TheYoung Man, and his Mother, (Mary Daniel,) and his Brother and Sister (Joshua and Anne,) desire that all gifts of the above nature due to them, be returned on the said Day, and will be thankful for all favours granted.

Also, the Young Woman, and her Mother (Sarah Evans,) and her Grand-father and Grand-mother (John and Frances Evans,) desire that all Gifts of the above nature due to them, be returned on the above Day, and will be thankful with her Uncle and Aunt (Benjamin and Margaret Evans, Penrhywcoion,) for all additional favours granted.

The applications made by means of the notes which follow the advertisement show that the promise made by David and Ruth to repay all amounts when called upon is something more than a mere flourish. We should not like, though, to guarantee that these promises were always kept, and have no doubt that the concocters of the foregoing found, as so many others did before them, and not a few have done since, that kindness is generally obtained from the least expected, and often the least valued, quarter. This is a glorious dispensation of providence, and few people who have experienced misfortune, or have been in want of assistance, but have felt how compensating is the hidden power which guides our destinies. Yet writers who constantly rail about the insincerity of friendship make little or no mention of those truest friends, the friends who appear uninvoked, and do whatever has been asked in vain of others who may have promised freely, or who are in fact indebted to those they ignore in the moment of adversity.

Burly old Grose, the friend of Burns, in his “Olio” gives a curious specimen of composition, which he says was the effort of a mayor in one of our University towns, though which is not stated. It tells usthat—

WHEREAS, a Multiplicity of Dangers are often incurred by Damage of outrageous Accidents by Fire, we whose Names are undersigned, have thought proper that the Benefit of an Engine, bought by us, for the better Extinguishing of which, by the Accidents of Almighty God, may unto us happen, to make a Rate to gather Benevolence for the better propagating such useful Instruments.

Some clever student of style may be able to tell, by aclue invisible to the uninitiated, whether this is Oxford or Cambridge. We are not learned in such matters, and so prefer to admire, without troubling ourselves to identify.

Poetical advertisements were not at all uncommon a hundred years ago and less. The demand for space, and the steam-engine rate at which we live now, have, however, destroyed not only the opportunity for them, but their use. Towards the close of the last century there lived in the Canongate, Edinburgh, one Gavin Wilson, a hard-working bootmaker, or, as his sign described him, “Arm, Leg and Boot maker,but notto his Royal Highness the Prince of Wales.” He was a singular fellow, and was the inventor of an art for hardening and polishing leather, so as to be workable into powder-flasks, snuff-boxes, drinking-mugs, ink-cases, and other articles of a similar kind. His genius did not stop at this rough work, but enabled him to form a German flute and a violin, both of leather, which, for neatness of workmanship and melodiousness of tone, were, friendly critics said, not a bit inferior to any fiddle or flute formed of wood. His greatest triumphs, however, were artificial arms and legs, also made of leather, which not only completely remedied loss of limb, but also closely resembled their human prototypes, being covered with skin, nails, &c. The unexampled success of his endeavours in this way was curiously illustrated by a person who, having lost both his hands by a cannon-shot, was provided with a new and useful pair by Gavin Wilson. This man expressed his gratitude in a letter of thanks, written with the artificial hands, which appeared in theCaledonian Mercuryfor 1779, along with an advertisement of the ingenious mechanic. Wilson had also pretensions to wit, and was occasionally a votary of what Foote once described as the Tuneful Ten. “Nine and one are ten,” said Foote one day to an accountant, who was anxious the wit should hear his poetry, and who commenced, “Hear me, O Phœbus and ye Tuneful Nine!” Having got so far, he accused Foote of inattention;but the latter said, “Nine and one are ten—go on,” which was too near the shop to be pleasant. The following advertisement may serve as a specimen of Wilson’s poeticalattempts:—

G. Wilson humbly as beforeResumes his thankfulness once moreFor favours formerly enjoy’dIn, by the public, being employ’d.And hopes this public intimationWill meet with candid acceptation.The world knows well he makesbootsneatlyAnd, as times go, he sells them cheaply.’Tis also known to many a hundredWho at his late invention wonder’d,That polish’dleather boxes,cases,So well known now in many places,Withpowder-flasksandporter-mugs,And jointedleather armsandlegs.Design’d for use as well as show,Exempli gratiareadbelow,[34]Were his invention; and no claimIs just by any other name.With numbers of production more,In leather ne’er performed before.In these dead times being almost idle,He tried and made aleather fiddle.Of workmanship extremely neat,Of tone quite true, both soft and sweet.And finding leather not a muteHe made aleather German flute,Which play’d as well and was as goodAs any ever made of wood.He for an idle hour’s amusementWrote this exotic advertisement,Informing you he does resideIn head of Canongate, south side,Up the first wooden-railed stair,You’re sure to find his Whimship there.In Britain none can fit you betterThan can your servant theBootmaker.Gavin Wilson.

Gavin Wilson.

Notwithstanding that their day is past, occasional poetical advertisements are to be found in the papers now. They are, as a rule, infinitely bad, and the following is so very different from the general run of them, that we cannot help quoting it. Perhaps it was written after taking a dose of “Lamplough,” which is said on authority to have so many beneficial effects, that power over writers of verse in general, and the writer of the following in particular, may easily be included among them. So all minor poets had better study this, which we extract from a “weekly” a year or soago:—

A DRINKING SONG.Ifever your spirits are damp, low,And bilious; you should, I opine,Just quaff a deep bumper of Lamplough—Of Lamplough’s Pyretic Saline.The title is quaint and eccentric—Is probably so by design—But they say for disturbances ventricThere’s nought like Pyretic Saline.Don’t bid me become exegetic,Or tell me I’m only a scamp low,If I can tell you more of PyreticSaline manufactured by Lamplough.

A DRINKING SONG.

Ifever your spirits are damp, low,And bilious; you should, I opine,Just quaff a deep bumper of Lamplough—Of Lamplough’s Pyretic Saline.The title is quaint and eccentric—Is probably so by design—But they say for disturbances ventricThere’s nought like Pyretic Saline.Don’t bid me become exegetic,Or tell me I’m only a scamp low,If I can tell you more of PyreticSaline manufactured by Lamplough.

Ifever your spirits are damp, low,And bilious; you should, I opine,Just quaff a deep bumper of Lamplough—Of Lamplough’s Pyretic Saline.

The title is quaint and eccentric—Is probably so by design—But they say for disturbances ventricThere’s nought like Pyretic Saline.

Don’t bid me become exegetic,Or tell me I’m only a scamp low,If I can tell you more of PyreticSaline manufactured by Lamplough.

A second good specimen was published in a theatrical paper at the time when Mr J. S. Clarke, an American comedian, whose strength is in his advertisements, and who is well known this side the Atlantic, was playing in “The Rivals.” It is entitled

SAVED.Itwas a chill November eve and on the busy townA heavy cloud of yellow fog was sinking slowly down;Upon the bridge of Waterloo, a prey to mad despair,There stood a man with heavy brow and deep-lined face of care.One ling’ring look around he gave, then on the river castThat sullen stare of rash resolve he meant should be his last.Far down the old cathedral rose, a shadow grey and dim,The light of day would dawn on that but ne’er again on him.One plunge within the murky stream would end the bitter strife.“What rest’s there now,” he sobbed aloud, “to bid me cling to life?”Just then the sound of stamping feet smote on his list’ning ear,A sandwich-man upon his beat paused ’neath the lamplight clear.One hurried glance—he read the board that hung upon his back,He leapt down from the parapet, and smote his thigh a smack.“I must see that,” he cried—the words that put his woe to flightWere “John S. Clarke as Acres at the Charing Cross to-night.”

SAVED.

Itwas a chill November eve and on the busy townA heavy cloud of yellow fog was sinking slowly down;Upon the bridge of Waterloo, a prey to mad despair,There stood a man with heavy brow and deep-lined face of care.One ling’ring look around he gave, then on the river castThat sullen stare of rash resolve he meant should be his last.Far down the old cathedral rose, a shadow grey and dim,The light of day would dawn on that but ne’er again on him.One plunge within the murky stream would end the bitter strife.“What rest’s there now,” he sobbed aloud, “to bid me cling to life?”Just then the sound of stamping feet smote on his list’ning ear,A sandwich-man upon his beat paused ’neath the lamplight clear.One hurried glance—he read the board that hung upon his back,He leapt down from the parapet, and smote his thigh a smack.“I must see that,” he cried—the words that put his woe to flightWere “John S. Clarke as Acres at the Charing Cross to-night.”

One ling’ring look around he gave, then on the river castThat sullen stare of rash resolve he meant should be his last.Far down the old cathedral rose, a shadow grey and dim,The light of day would dawn on that but ne’er again on him.

One plunge within the murky stream would end the bitter strife.“What rest’s there now,” he sobbed aloud, “to bid me cling to life?”Just then the sound of stamping feet smote on his list’ning ear,A sandwich-man upon his beat paused ’neath the lamplight clear.

One hurried glance—he read the board that hung upon his back,He leapt down from the parapet, and smote his thigh a smack.“I must see that,” he cried—the words that put his woe to flightWere “John S. Clarke as Acres at the Charing Cross to-night.”

Another of these effusions, well worthy of insertion here, appeared quite recently in a humorous paper, and is devoted to the interests of Messrs Cook & Son, the tourist agents. Whether or not it was paid for as an advertisement, they must have found it valuable. Despite the sneers of several small wits whom fortune has enabled to travel in the old expensive mode, there are very many who are neither cads nor snobs, whatever the distinction may be, and whose greatest sin is a paucity of income, that have felt the benefit of the popular excursionists’ endeavours. The verses are called

COOK’S PERQUISITES.In longitude six thousand ninety-two,Latitude nothing, the good ship,Salt Beef,Caught in a gale, the worst that ever blew,Was stranded on a coral island’s reef.Her back was broken, so she went in halves,The crew and captain perished, every hand;Only a pig, some chickens, and two calves,And the one passenger, escaped to land.King Bungaroo, with all the royal suite,Was waiting to receive him on the beach;And seeing he was plump and nice to eat,Received him graciously with courteous speech.The suite, who thus their coming banquet eyed,Their gastric regions rubbed with grateful paw,And wondered if the king would have him fried,Or boiled, or roasted,—or just eat him raw!The hungry passenger their meaning caughtAs hinting dinner in some manner dim,And smiling at the notion, little thoughtThat they meant feastingon—and notwith—him!But, as you draw a fowl before ’tis drest,The suite proceeded first, of everythingThe pockets of their victim to divest,And laid their plunder down before the king.The monarch started at some object there—Then seized the prisoner’s hand and cried aloud,“Bo, bingo wobli! Chungum raggadare.Howinki croblob? Boo! Owchingadowd!”Which means—“Unhand this kindly gentleman.Observe those coupons! Note that small green book!Put out the fire—hang up the frying-pan!We mustn’t eat him. He belongs to Cook!”

COOK’S PERQUISITES.

In longitude six thousand ninety-two,Latitude nothing, the good ship,Salt Beef,Caught in a gale, the worst that ever blew,Was stranded on a coral island’s reef.Her back was broken, so she went in halves,The crew and captain perished, every hand;Only a pig, some chickens, and two calves,And the one passenger, escaped to land.King Bungaroo, with all the royal suite,Was waiting to receive him on the beach;And seeing he was plump and nice to eat,Received him graciously with courteous speech.The suite, who thus their coming banquet eyed,Their gastric regions rubbed with grateful paw,And wondered if the king would have him fried,Or boiled, or roasted,—or just eat him raw!The hungry passenger their meaning caughtAs hinting dinner in some manner dim,And smiling at the notion, little thoughtThat they meant feastingon—and notwith—him!But, as you draw a fowl before ’tis drest,The suite proceeded first, of everythingThe pockets of their victim to divest,And laid their plunder down before the king.The monarch started at some object there—Then seized the prisoner’s hand and cried aloud,“Bo, bingo wobli! Chungum raggadare.Howinki croblob? Boo! Owchingadowd!”Which means—“Unhand this kindly gentleman.Observe those coupons! Note that small green book!Put out the fire—hang up the frying-pan!We mustn’t eat him. He belongs to Cook!”

In longitude six thousand ninety-two,Latitude nothing, the good ship,Salt Beef,Caught in a gale, the worst that ever blew,Was stranded on a coral island’s reef.

Her back was broken, so she went in halves,The crew and captain perished, every hand;Only a pig, some chickens, and two calves,And the one passenger, escaped to land.

King Bungaroo, with all the royal suite,Was waiting to receive him on the beach;And seeing he was plump and nice to eat,Received him graciously with courteous speech.

The suite, who thus their coming banquet eyed,Their gastric regions rubbed with grateful paw,And wondered if the king would have him fried,Or boiled, or roasted,—or just eat him raw!

The hungry passenger their meaning caughtAs hinting dinner in some manner dim,And smiling at the notion, little thoughtThat they meant feastingon—and notwith—him!

But, as you draw a fowl before ’tis drest,The suite proceeded first, of everythingThe pockets of their victim to divest,And laid their plunder down before the king.

The monarch started at some object there—Then seized the prisoner’s hand and cried aloud,“Bo, bingo wobli! Chungum raggadare.Howinki croblob? Boo! Owchingadowd!”

Which means—“Unhand this kindly gentleman.Observe those coupons! Note that small green book!Put out the fire—hang up the frying-pan!We mustn’t eat him. He belongs to Cook!”

But turning back to the early times on which we started in quest of amusing advertisements, we come upon a fictitious letter addressed to Sylvanus Urban in theGentleman’s Magazinefor September 1803, which is signed Maria Elderly, and falls sadly foul of the indecorous announcements then so plentiful. It runs thus: “Good Mr Urban,—You must know, Sir, I am a married woman and a mother (I bless Heaven!) of several not unpromising daughters. We read most of the best English and French authors together as we sit at our work: that is to say one reads aloud whilst the rest draw, sew, or embroider. The hours thus pass more pleasantly; and our amusement I will hope is productive of solid mental profit. It is a proverbial good-natured joke with young gentlemen that curiosity is of the feminine gender. I will not stop to dispute the matter with such acute grammarians; but will rather honestly admit that (although I think otherwise) perhaps ‘much may be said on both sides.’ Nay, I will own, Sir, that what with the natural timidity of my sex, and the fear of Bonaparte’s invasion, I do feel a little hankering or so, to learn how the world of politics is conducted. I therefore have lately taken in a certain fashionable morning newspaper, and was much amused at first with its contents. But, my dear Mr Urban, I fancy I must give up this paper; and as I findyou are a married gentleman, I will at once tell you why: I have often been vexed, Sir, at the sight of certain indecorous advertisements. Proof is better than accusation at all times. I will therefore just allude to a few, which, however, I assure you, are not the worst. I know you cannot expectmeto transcribe them. The first instance I shall notice, is in the paper of April 21, 1803, where ‘a lady near 30, wishes to be companion to a single gentleman;’ and as a proof of the impropriety of this advertisement, Mr O. of Dover Street (to whom theladyreferred) thought it necessary pointedly to deny all knowledge of her in another advertisement of April 28. In the paper of May 5, I read that ‘a widow-ladypleasing in her person, &c., solicits the loan of £40 from a gentleman.’ The lady refers to a house in Dean Street, Soho. In that of May 26 ‘a young female intreats the loan of £130 from a nobleman or gentleman of fortune.’ She refers to Curriers’ Row, Black friars. In that of June 1, a young lady (who refers to the post-office, Blandford Street, Portman Square) inserts a most unqualified proposal indeed. In that of June 16, the proposal is repeated in still more impertinent terms. The lady now refers to Eyre Street, Hatton Garden. In that of June 18, appear two advertisements from females,of a very curious nature, addressed to two young men. Both are assignations; and they are expressed too in very intelligible terms, I do assure you. I believe you will agree with me that such advertisements can do no good and may do much harm. I could enlarge my list very greatly, by pointing your eyes to paragraphs of a later date; but the subject is a very unpleasant one, and I at present forbear. ‘My poverty, but not my will consents’ may do in a play; but it is a sad excuse for the editor of a daily publication: and it iscriminal, Sir, when we consider how many young minds may thus be empoisoned.” We trust this letter will be taken as evidence that we have in the preceding chapter by no means selected the worst specimens of the style whichpervaded advertisements at the close of the last century and beginning of the present.

The believers in vested interests may see by an advertisement of the year 1804, that proprietorial rights were respected in those days even amongbeggars:—

TObe disposed of for the benefit of the poor widow a Blind Man’s WALK in a charitable neighbourhood, the comings-in between twenty-five and twenty-six shillings a week, with a dog well drilled, and a staff in good repair. A handsome premium will be expected. For further particulars, inquire at No. 40, Chiswell Street.

The halcyon days of cadgers and crossing-sweepers are over, and we no longer hear of members of either profession leaving fortunes. It has often been source of wonder to us how a right was maintained in any particular crossing or walk. It is presumable, of course, that no action would lie in the event of one man taking another’s favourite corner; yet, if story-tellers are to be depended upon, the “good-wills” of these places in days gone by were worth not hundreds alone, but thousands of pounds. The new police and the mendicity societies have considerably disturbed such sinecures, and even those affectionate parents that of late years lived on the earnings of their young, who pretended to sell cigar-lights and newspapers, but who in reality begged freely, have been driven to earn their own meals by the officers of the various school-boards. So passes away the glory of free trade from this over-legislated and effete old country, where no one is allowed to do as he likes if it at all interferes with the comfort of his neighbours—except, of course, when he is rich and the neighbour is poor. Passing on to 1811, we come upon a quaint request for a servant in theMorning Postof December4:—

ACOOK-HOUSEMAID, or HOUSEMAID-COOK is wanted, for the service of a single gentleman, where only one other, a manservant is kept. The age of the woman wanted must not be less than 25, nor more than 40 years; and it is requisite that she should be equally excellent in the two capacities of Cook and Housemaid. Her charactermust be unexceptionable for sobriety, honesty and cleanliness. The sobriety, however, which consists in drinking deep without staggering will not do; nor will the honesty suffice which would make up for the possible absence of pilfering by waste. Neither will the cleanliness answer which is content with bustling only before the employer’s eyes—a sure symptom of a slattern. The servant advertised for, must be thoroughly and truly cleanly, honest and sober. As it is probable that not a drab out of place who reads this advertisement but will be for imposing herself, though, perhaps, incapable of cooking a sprat, and about as nice as a Hottentot, all such are warned not to give themselves useless trouble. On the other hand, a steady, clean woman, really answering the above description, will, by applying as below, hear of a place not easy equalled in comfort; where the wages are good and constantly increasing, and where servants are treated as fellow-creatures, and with a kindness, which, to the discredit of their class, is seldom merited. Personal application to be made, from one to three o’clock, to Mr Danvers, perfumer, No. 16, Craven Street, Strand.

Here we have the crotchety old bachelor of the novels to the life. This advertiser was evidently a judge of character, and doubtless one of the kindest-hearted of men, but irascible and touchy, subject to twinges of gout, and possessed of a horror of east winds. A man who would scorn to be affected by the most pitiful story, yet whose hand was always in his pocket, and whose sympathy always meant relief as well. Where are all these good old creatures gone? Are they all dead, and is the race extinct? Frankly we must admit that we never met with any one of them, though we should very much like to, as we could in our own person find plenty of opportunity for the disposition of extra benevolence. It is said that the brothers Cheeryble had an actual existence, and perhaps they had, but if so, they managed to conceal their identity extremely successfully. We remember once meeting two brothers in business, who in appearance and manner were exactly like Nickleby’s benefactors; but two more astute individuals were not to be found in the three kingdoms. And on the strength of this likeness they possessed a great reputation for a benevolence which never had even a symptom ofreal being. Apropos of those imaginary philanthropists the Cheerybles, we present one of the advertisements which were called forth by their appearance in the story. It is from theTimes, and was published February 7,1844:—

TOTHE BROTHERS CHEERYBLE, or any who have hearts like theirs. A clergyman, who will gladly communicate his name and address, desires to introduce the case of a gentleman, equal at least to Nickleby in birth, worthy, like him, for refinement of character, even of the best descent; like him, of spotless integrity, and powerfully beloved by friends who cannot help him, but no longer, like Nickleby, sustained by the warm buoyancy of youthful blood. The widowed father of young children, he has spent his all in the struggles of an unsuccessful but honourable business, and has now for eighteen months been vainly seeking some stipendiary employment.—To all who have ever known him he can refer for commendation. Being well versed in accounts, though possessed of education, talents, and experience, which would render him invaluable as a private secretary, he would accept with gratitude even a clerk’s stool and daily bread. Any communication addressed to the Rev. B. C., Post-office, Cambridge, will procure full particulars, ample references, and the introduction of the party, who is now in town, and ignorant of this attempt to serve him.

Dickens, knowing his power at that time, must have laughed in his sleeve at the trick he was playing the professional swindler when he portrayed the brothers; though, if we are to believe what we are told in the preface to a subsequent edition of his book, the noble army of begging-letter writers and suchlike impostors had ample revenge, for he was pestered nearly to death with importunities to reveal the real name and address of purely mythical characters. Inventors of appeals to the benevolent, either by way of letter or advertisement, are a hard-working race, and must find the task of enlisting sympathy much more difficult than it was when Mr Puff tided over a time of misfortune by aid of the charitable and credulous. It is possible even now, despite the efforts of societies and detectives who give themselves entirely to the work of unmasking counterfeits, to find one or two of those heart-stirring appeals to the benevolent which have maintained many an impostor in idleness for yearstogether. Like Puff did in his time, though evidently less and less successfully, these advertisers support themselves upon their inventions by means of the proceeds of addresses “to the charitable and humane,” or “to those whom providence has blessed with affluence.” The account which Puff gives of his fictitious misfortunes so little exaggerates the advertisements which appear occasionally in theTimes, that it is well to the point, and worthy of quoting. “I suppose,” he says, “never man went through such a series of calamities in the same space of time. I was five times made a bankrupt, and reduced from a state of affluence by a train of unavoidable misfortunes. Then, though a very industrious tradesman, I was twice burnt out, and lost my little all both times. I lived upon those fires a month. I soon after was confined by a most excruciating disorder, and lost the use of my limbs. That told very well; for I had the case strongly attested, and went about to collect the subscriptions myself! Afterwards, I was a close prisoner in the Marshalsea for a debt benevolently contracted to serve a friend. I was then reduced to—oh no!—then I became a widow with six helpless children. Well, at last, what with bankruptcies, fires, gouts, dropsies, imprisonments, and other valuable calamities, having got together a pretty handsome sum, I determined to quit a business which had always gone rather against my conscience.”

But leaving “The Critic,” and the ideas which the specimens just given have promoted, we will fall back upon an advertisement of a truly humorous nature, which is given to the world as long back as 1816. What householder who has improved his dwelling for the benefit of a grasping proprietor will not sympathise with the writer ofthis?—

WANTEDIMMEDIATELY, to enable me to leave the house which I have for these last five years inhabited, in the same plight and condition in which I found it, 500 LIVE RATS, for which I will gladly pay the sum of £5 sterling; and as I cannot leave the farm attached thereto in the same order in which I got it, without atleast Five Millions of Docks, Dockens (weeds), I do hereby promise a further sum of £5 for said number of Dockens. Apply ——.Dated, 31 October, 1816.N.B. The Rats must be full grown, and no cripples.

Dated, 31 October, 1816.

N.B. The Rats must be full grown, and no cripples.

In close companionship with the above we find another, which for peculiarity is quite as noticeable. The advertiser has evidently studied humanity without receiving much benefit from his researches, unless the knowledge that he is vastly superior to every one else is a benefit. If the advertisement were not a swindle, of which it seems very suggestive, it is not unreasonable to suppose that failure attended upon it, for no man who believed to such an extent in himself could ever be brought to have faith inanother:—

ITis the general desire of princes and opulent men to live friendless—they gain obsequiousness, adulation, and dependents, but not friends: the sycophants that surround them disappear when the lure that attracted them is lost: beguiled by blandishments, deceived by hypocrisy, and lulled by professions they do not discover imposture till adversity detects it. The evil is unbounded—they never obtain a sincere opinion, whether regarding pecuniary embarrassment or domestic dissension—in any perplexed or unhappy event they receive no counsel but that which benefits the sinister views of him who gives it. Of what advantage is fortune if it transforms friends into parasites, and we are to live in constant delusion; or isolated and secluded, we must exist like hermits to shun intercourse with our fellow-beings, and escape perfidy? One whose affluence precludes speculation, who has proved himself undaunted in danger and unshaken in fidelity, proffers his friendship to him who deserves it, and will know how to appreciate it;—his reading has not afforded mere abstract knowledge, but has been rendered auxiliary for a vast intercourse with the world; years have furnished experience, reflection has improved it. His advice and aid he hopes is not insignificant, be the station of him who requires them ever so elevated. As there can be no independence where there is not equality of circumstances, no one of inferior condition can be noticed.

Still about the same period we come upon the advertisement of an Irish schoolmaster, which for inflation, pomposity, and ignorance is perhaps unrivalled. It is only fair, while quoting this, to say that Mr Hendrick is not by any meansa good specimen of the Irish teacher, who is, as a rule, modest, conscientious, and chokeful of learning. This extract forcibly reminds us of one of Samuel Lover’scharacters:—

Mr Hendrick’s devoir to the gentry of Limerick.WOULDbe elated to assign his attention for the instruction of eight or ten Pupils, to attend on their houses each second day, to teach the French language, Geography on the Principles of Astronomy, traversing the Globe by sea and land on the rudiments of a right angle, with a variety of pleasing Problems, attached to Manners, Customs, &c. of different Countries, Trade and Commerce; Phenomenons on Volcanos, Thunder, Sound, Lightning, &c. Such as please to continue, may advance through a Course of Natural Philosophy, and those proficient in French can be taught the above in that Language.N.B. At intervals would instruct in the Italian Language.Please to inquire at Mr Barry, Newtown-Perry.J. Hendrick,Philomathos.

Mr Hendrick’s devoir to the gentry of Limerick.

WOULDbe elated to assign his attention for the instruction of eight or ten Pupils, to attend on their houses each second day, to teach the French language, Geography on the Principles of Astronomy, traversing the Globe by sea and land on the rudiments of a right angle, with a variety of pleasing Problems, attached to Manners, Customs, &c. of different Countries, Trade and Commerce; Phenomenons on Volcanos, Thunder, Sound, Lightning, &c. Such as please to continue, may advance through a Course of Natural Philosophy, and those proficient in French can be taught the above in that Language.

N.B. At intervals would instruct in the Italian Language.

Please to inquire at Mr Barry, Newtown-Perry.

J. Hendrick,Philomathos.

In a Jersey newspaper for December 1821 there is a very funny advertisement for a lost dog—so funny indeed is it that it seems more than likely to have been a hoax, or a hit at the peculiarly broken English identified with the Channel Islands. Still it appears as an advertisement, and so we appendit:—

LOSE.—Dere ave bin von doge, dat vil replay to de appel of “Outre;” he is betwin de couleur of de vite and de bruin, dere is belif he was delay by some personne on propos, as he was vont by de oner on Monday next for to come to de chasse, as he kno vere was de hairs. Applie of de oner at de Printure.

As a companion, here is the following from theHandelsbladof Amsterdam. It is much more natural than the Jersey effusion, and is evidently an attempt to write the language known on the Continent and abroad generally as American. It will be recollected that one of the last requests of the Emperor Nicholas during the Crimean war was that, in gratitude for the efforts at assistance made by the good people of the United States, the cadets in the military schools should be taught the American language. This must be near to his idea ofit:—

MEDAILLE of SILVER at New-York.MEDAILLE of GOLD at Paris, London and Berlin.The very celebrated AMERICAN-BALSAM, notwithstanding the great competition, preserve the preference; wherefore, did is your question because every body is content with his expectation and recommend this balsam indeed.The under signed have by experience of himself following the working of this balsam and may be rejoicing to offer an his honorables fellow-citizens and compatriots a very excellent remedy to prevent the sally of hair, to dissiporte the erysipelas; and than the greatest desire of man consist to recover the hair upon their bald-spates, it is reading every day in the newspapers, but none annonce, as the under signed has the right to do it with contractNO HAIR NO MONNEY.The prevent imitation none than THEOPHILE is sole agent for the Netherlands, St. Nicholasstreet at Amsterdam. Ladys! Perriwigs! curls, tress shall be dying very beautiful is every colours, of light haired to black.Bony inspection of a long wigt tress, with teen differents coleurs.

MEDAILLE of SILVER at New-York.MEDAILLE of GOLD at Paris, London and Berlin.

The very celebrated AMERICAN-BALSAM, notwithstanding the great competition, preserve the preference; wherefore, did is your question because every body is content with his expectation and recommend this balsam indeed.

The under signed have by experience of himself following the working of this balsam and may be rejoicing to offer an his honorables fellow-citizens and compatriots a very excellent remedy to prevent the sally of hair, to dissiporte the erysipelas; and than the greatest desire of man consist to recover the hair upon their bald-spates, it is reading every day in the newspapers, but none annonce, as the under signed has the right to do it with contractNO HAIR NO MONNEY.

The prevent imitation none than THEOPHILE is sole agent for the Netherlands, St. Nicholasstreet at Amsterdam. Ladys! Perriwigs! curls, tress shall be dying very beautiful is every colours, of light haired to black.

Bony inspection of a long wigt tress, with teen differents coleurs.

On December 23, 1823, the following droll advertisement appeared in theMorning Herald. It was probably a satire on the manners and customs of quasi-fashionables of the day, though why any one should be so anxious to mark his disapprobation of the state of affairs as to pay for the publication of his satires we really are not prepared tosay:—

WANTED, for the ensuing London Campaign, a CHAPERON, who will undertake the charge of two young ladies, now making their entrée into fashionable life; she must possess a constitution impervious to fatigue and heat, and be perfectly independent of sleep;au faitat the mysteries of Whist and Cassino, and always ready to undertake a round game, with a supper appetite of the most moderate description: any personal charms, which might interfere by her acting as a foil to her charges, will be deemed inadmissible; and she must be totally divested of matrimonial pretensions on her own account, having sufficient experience in thebeau mondeto decide with promptitude on the eligibility of invitations with an instinctive discrimination of Almack men, and eldest sons. Address to Louisa, Twopenny Post Office, Great Mary-le-bone-street.N.B. No Widow from Bath or Cheltenham will be treated with.

N.B. No Widow from Bath or Cheltenham will be treated with.

In theTimes, at the close of the year 1826, an advertisement appeared, which ran asfollows:—

TOSCHOOL ASSISTANTS.—Wanted, a respectable GENTLEMAN of good character, capable of TEACHING the CLASSICS as far as Homer and Virgil. Apply ——

There is nothing noticeable in this, the reader will think, nor is there; but the sequel, which is told in a number of the now leading journal a few days afterwards, will perhaps repay perusal. A day or two after the advertisement had appeared, the gentleman to whom application was to be made received a letter as follows: “Sir—With reference to an advertisement which were inserted in theTimesnewspaper a few days since, respecting a school assistant, I beg to state that I should be happy to fill that situation; but as most of my frends reside in London, and not knowing how far Homer and Virgil is from town, I beg to state that I should not like to engage to teach the classics farther than Hammersmith or Turnham Green, or at the very utmost distance farther than Brentford.—Wating your reply, I am, Sir, &c. &c., John Sparks.” The errors in orthography and syntax have been copied as in the letter, but we fancy the matter looks suspiciously like a hoax. The editor, however, thinks otherwise, and after appending a few remarks, says, “This puts us in mind of a person who once advertised for a ‘strong coal heaver,’ and a poor man calling upon him the day after, saying, ‘he had not got such a thing as astrong coal heaver, but he had brought astrong coal scuttle, made of the best iron; and if that would answer the purpose, he should have it a bargain.’” About this time the following request for a minister was published in theMonthly Mirror, and doubtless applications were numerous for theengagement:—

WANTED, for a newly erected Chapel, near Grosvenor Square, a gentleman of elegant manners, and insinuating address, to conduct the theological department to a refined audience. It is not necessary that he believe in the Thirty-nine Articles; but it is expected that he should possess a white hand and a diamond ring; he will be expected to leave out vulgar ideas, and denunciations against polite vices which he may meet with in the Bible; and, upon no account, beguilty of wounding the ears of his auditory with the wordsh——ll,ord——n. One who lisps, is near-sighted, and who has a due regard for amiable weaknesses, will be preferred.N.B.—If he is of pleasing andaccommodatingmanners, he will have a chance of being introduced to the first company, and three card parties every Sunday evening. One who knows a few college jokes, or who has been Chaplain to the Whip Club, will be preferred. He will have no occasion to administer Baptism, &c. &c. there being an old gentleman employed, who, on account of extreme distress, has agreed, for ten pounds per annum, to preach in the afternoon, and do all the under work.Letters must be addressed to James Speculate, Esq., Surveyor’s Office, New Square, Mary-le-Bone.

N.B.—If he is of pleasing andaccommodatingmanners, he will have a chance of being introduced to the first company, and three card parties every Sunday evening. One who knows a few college jokes, or who has been Chaplain to the Whip Club, will be preferred. He will have no occasion to administer Baptism, &c. &c. there being an old gentleman employed, who, on account of extreme distress, has agreed, for ten pounds per annum, to preach in the afternoon, and do all the under work.

Letters must be addressed to James Speculate, Esq., Surveyor’s Office, New Square, Mary-le-Bone.

Apropos of the foregoing, “The Goodfellow’s Calendar,” a handbook of humorous anecdote and criticism for nearly every day in the year—some stray leaves of which have found their way into our possession—gives some account of a parson who, it says, would have been eminently fitted for the situation. “The Rev. R. C. Maturin, Curate of St. Peter’s, Dublin, and author of one of the most immoral and trumpery tragedies, ‘Bertram,’ that ever disgraced the stage, or gratified the low taste of an acting manager, died October 30th 1824. This exemplary pillar of the Established Church was exceedingly vain, both of his person and accomplishments, and as his income would not allow him to attract attention by the splendour of his dress and manners, he seldom failed to do so by their singularity. Mr Maturin was tall, slender, but well proportioned, and on the whole a good figure, which he took care to display in a well-made black coat tightly buttoned, and some odd light-coloured stocking-web pantaloons, surmounted, in winter, by a coat of prodigious dimensions, gracefully thrown on, so as not to obscure the symmetry it affected to protect. The Curate of St. Peters sang and danced, and prided himself on performing the movements and evolutions of the quadrille, certainly equal to any other divine of the Established Church, if not to any private lay gentleman of the three kingdoms. It often happened, too, that Mr.Maturin, either laboured under an attack of gout or met with some accident, which compelled the use of a slipper or bandage on one foot or one leg; and by an unaccountable congruity of mischances he was uniformly compelled on these occasions to appear in the public thoroughfares of Dublin, where the melancholy spectacle of a beautiful limb in pain never failed to excite the sighs and sympathies of all the interesting persons who passed, as well as to prompt their curiosity to make audible remarks or inquiries respecting the possessor.” We are much afraid that the vanity of Mr Maturin was not wonderfully peculiar, and with due allowance for those differences in our styles of dress and living which have been made in fifty years, it would not be difficult to find ministers of the gospel who would prove strong rivals to the curate of St Peter’s.

In 1825 theNew Timespresented the public with the original of that singular advertisement which has been so often quoted as an Irish bull, but which would appear to be home-bred: “Wanted by a Surgeon residing at Guildford, two apprentices, who will be treated as one of the family.” The Hibernian companion to this would most fitly be the Dublin editor’s statement, in reference to a newly-invented laundry machine, that by its use every man would probably become his own washerwoman. From washerwomen to general servants is but a step, and so from theTimesof five-and-twenty years back we extract a model specimen, supposed to emanate from that rarest ofraræ aves, a patterndomestic:—

DOYOU WANT A SERVANT? Necessity prompts the question. The advertiser OFFERS his SERVICES to any lady or gentleman, company, or others, in want of a truly faithful, confidential servant in any capacity not menial, where a practical knowledge of human nature in various parts of the world would be available. Could undertake any affair of small or great importance, where talent, inviolable secrecy, or good address would be necessary. Has moved in the best and worst societies without being contaminated by either; has never been a servant, begs to recommend himself as one who knowshis place; is moral, temperate, middle-aged; no objection to any part of the world. Could advise any capitalist wishing to increase his income and have the control of his own money. Could act as secretary or valet to any lady or gentleman. Can give advice or hold his tongue, sing, dance, play, fence, box, preach a sermon, tell a story, be grave or gay, ridiculous or sublime, or do anything from the curling of a peruke to the storming of a citadel—but never to excel his master. Address ——.

Differing considerably, and yet much in the same line, is the following, which is amusing from the amount of confidence the writer possesses in his own powers, and the small value he sets upon the attainments of those who possess that most valuable qualification of all—property. The offer never to be better than his patron is a condescension indeed from such aparagon:—

TOINDEPENDENT GENTLEMEN.—Wanted by a respectable, modest young man, who can produce a cubic yard of testimonials, a living without a master—that is, he wishes to become a companion to some gentleman, and be his factotum. He can ride, shoot, sing, fish (but never better than his patron without he is wanted), keep accounts, see that servants do their duty, do twenty other things, equally necessary in this life, and make it his whole duty to please and be pleased. Any one seriously wishing such a person, may address, post paid to Z., to be left at ——.

Advertisements from the other side—from employers—are also noticeable now and again, as this willshow:—

BOARDAND RESIDENCE FOR WORK.—An old literary gentleman invites two widow ladies, about forty, to assist him in doing without servants, except a charwoman once a week. One lady must undertake entrées, soups, and jellies. Both must be strong and healthy, so that the work may be rather pleasant than irksome; two-thirds of it being for their own comfort, as no company is ever kept. A private sitting-room. Laundry free. All dining together at seven o’clock. References of mercantile exactness required.—Address A. B., —— stating age and full particulars of antecedent position, &c.

This old literary gentleman was wise in his generation, as his offer, though very plausible, meant nothing less than obtaining two servants without wages, and society as well.Possibly, however, the fact of the ladies being widows was supposed, upon the principle of Tony Weller, to compensate for shortcomings in the way of salary. Other applications for a superior class of servants deserve attention, the following modest offer for a governess being a case inpoint:—

WANTED, in a gentleman’s family, a young lady, as NURSERY GOVERNESS, to instruct two young ladies in French, music, and singing, with the usual branches of education, and to take the entire charge of their wardrobe. She must be of a social disposition and fond of children, and have the manners of a gentlewoman, as she will be treated as one of the family. Salary twelve guineas per annum. Address ——.

All for the small price of twelve guineas per annum, about half what a decent housemaid expects, and with less than half the liberty of a scullion. Yet this advertisement appeared in theTimes, and is but the representative of others of the same kind, not one of which is supposed to betray meanness or poverty of spirit on the part of its originator. For twelve guineas a year, the poverty-stricken orphan or daughter of some once rich speculator is to teach French, music, singing, writing, arithmetic, geography, history, and other of the “usual branches of education,” to two young ladies, who it is only fair to expect would be much more like the brassfounder’s daughter who objected to Ruth Pinch than similar to the charge of Becky Sharp when she occupied a governess’s position. In addition to the drudgery of teaching, there is the charge of the young ladies’ wardrobe, which means an occupation of itself; and then comes—oh, worst of all!—the social disposition, by which is undoubtedly meant a capacity for doing whatever any other member of the family may object to do—for being the drudge of the drawing-room when the little tyrants of the nursery are abed and asleep. By the manners of a gentlewoman is understood a capacity for receiving studied insult without resentment, and by treatment as one of the family such care and comfort as would cause the cook totake her instant departure. And all this for twelve guineas per annum! This may be called an overdrawn picture, but that is what is said of most self-evident facts. And what father worthy of the name would die easily if he thought that his tenderly-nurtured daughters were likely to be grateful for the protection and the salary offered in the foregoing specimen advertisement? Yet many a young girl has suddenly found herself divested of every luxury, and subject to the tender mercies of those who regard a nursery governess as “one of the family.” There is an old story in reference to the selection of governesses which is worth repeating here. A lady wrote to her son requesting him to find a teacher for his sisters, and enumerating a long list of qualifications, somewhat similar to those generally expected in a pretentious family. The son seems to have been wiser than his mother, for he replied stating that he had studied the requirements, and that when he found a young lady possessed of them all, he should endeavour to engage her, not as a governess for his sisters, but as a wife for himself. Marriage alters women, however, as the subjoined notice from an Irish paper proves to the mostsceptical:—

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