Chapter 2

[p3]BOADICEA.Preface“Arms and the man” was Virgil’s strain;But we propose in lighter veinTo browse a crop from pastures (Green’s)Of England’s Evolution scenes.Who would from facts prognosticateThe future progress of this State,Must own the chiefest fact to beHer escalator is the Sea.“Take cover”PrehistoricHISTORIANS erudite and sage,When writing of the past stone age,Tell us man once was clothed in skinsAnd tattooed patterns on his shins.Rough bearded and with shaggy locksHe lived in dug-outs in the rocks.Was often scared and run to earthBy creatures of abnormal girth:Mammoths and monsters; truth to tellWe find their names too long to spell.He joined in little feuds no doubt;And with his weapons fashioned outOf flint, went boldly to the fray;And cracked a skull or two per day.DruidsWE read of priests of Celtic day,Ancient Druids, holding swayBy smattering of Occult lawAnd man’s eternal sense of awe.StonehengeThey used Stonehenge on Salisbury PlainReputed Prehistoric Fane;Note each megalithic boulder;No Monument in Europe’s older.[p4]“Veni, Vidi, Vici”PhœniciansMERCHANT explorers of that day,Hustling Phœnicians, came this wayTo ship tin ore from Cornish minesThree thousand years before these lines.But still in spite of petty strifeMan lived what’s termed the ‘simple life’Julius CæsarB.C. 55Till Julius Cæsar in five-fiveWith his galleys did arrive.He wrote despatches of the best,‘Veni, Vidi’ and the rest,Sending the news of victory home;And flags then fluttered high in Rome.His ‘photo’ one plain fact disclosesHe brought in fashion Roman noses.Of this great General ’tis allowedThe best ‘Life’ is by J. A. Froude.BoadiceaA.D. 62Boadicea earns our praise.First woman leader in those days;For Freedom strove all she could do,’Twas lost in A.D. sixty-two.AgricolaThen came Agricola one dayAnd gained a battle near the Tay.He started trimming up this isle,And laid out roads in Roman style.East, North, South, West, it’s safe to sayHis handiwork is traced to-day.The Natives too were taught to knowBy busy merchants’ constant flowThe wisdom that great Empire held;Their ignorance was thus dispelled.Romans leftA.D. 410About four hundred-ten A.D.The Romans left sans cérémonie.Can it be wondered at when RomeWas needing help ’gainst Huns at home.Our antiquarians often findThe relics which they left behind;A Villa here and pavement there,Coins galore and Roman ware.Anglo-SaxonsA.D. 430AND so we run our flippant rhymesRight on to Anglo-Saxon times.Hengist and Horsa with their menCame from their Jutish pirate den,JutesAnd paid us visits in their shipsBent on their ruthless looting trips.And Angles landing in the HumberGave that district little slumber.They plundered morning, noon, and night,Were rough, uncouth, and impolite,No ‘By your leave’ or ‘S’il vous plait’They came to rob, remained to prey.Horsa 455Horsa was slain in four-five-five,Leaving Hengist still aliveTo live out his allotted term,Surviving partner of the Firm.King ArthurTime has many a fable woundAbout King Arthur’s table round,Where Knights quaffed cordials, wines and ales,And told their little fairy tales.Augustine 597About six hundred years A.D.To teach us ChristianityCame Augustine. Wondrous Story;Canterbury’s Pile his glory.Heptarchy 827Called ‘Heptarchy’ the seven SaxonStates each other made attacks on;After four hundred years they’d strivenThey coalesced in eight-two-seven.[p5]IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicAlfred872–901OF good King Alfred we’ve all heardHow when hiding he incurredA lady’s anger for not takingCare of Cakes which she was baking.(Most probably she left the KingWhile she went out a-gossiping.)Before he died in nine-nought-one,Old England’s Navy had begun.He laid a tax on every townTo aid his fleet to gain renown.He was the best of Saxon KingsAnd did a lot of useful things;Built Oxford with its noble spiresAnd mapped out England into Shires.Danes 783IN seven-eight-three first came the DanesWho caused the Saxons aches and pains.They sailed right up our rivers broad,Putting the natives to the sword.“Danegeld” 991For centuries our sadly fatedTowns by them were devastated.Etheldredthe ‘Unready Toff’By ‘Danegeld’ tries to buy them off.IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicCanute1014–1036TWO hundred years the raiding DanesCame over. Then their Canute reigns.We’ll merely mention that he triedAn object lesson with the tide.Hardicanute1039–1041Hardicanute, sad to confess,Died from drinking to excess.He couldn’t conquer love of wineAnd with him went the Danish line.Edward the Confessor1041–1066EDWARD the Confessor staidThe Saxon line renewed. RemadeAt Westminster the Abbey grand,And signed the first ‘Will’ in this land.And since his time (’tis not refuted)Scores of Wills have been disputed.Ah! legal quibbles such as theseMean Lawyers waxing rich on fees.Harold 1066HAROLD last of the Saxon lineAt Hastings made an effort fineAnd lost his life—it was to be,Crushed by the men of Normandy.From Scandinavia they’d come,And made fair Normandy their home;William theConquerer1066–1087Whence William spying out our shore,Oliver-Twist-like, wanted more.In ten-six-six he won the dayIn that tough fight out Hastings way.Of course, no record in our reach,Depicts ‘ole Bill’ thus on the beach.[p6]GOODE NYGHTEWilliam theConquerer1066–1087BUT one thing’s certain. Camera men,If only they’d existed then,Would have journeyed many a mileTo ‘snap’ King William’s happy smile.They made him King and schoolbooks sayHe ruled with arbitrary sway;Demanding with sharp battle axesInstant payment of big taxes.CurfewAnd p’raps it’s just as well to tellHe introduced the Curfew Bell;So at the early hour of eightEach doused his glim, raked out his grate.In bed at eight P.M. each dayLife was but sombre, dull and grey;No cutting fancy ball room capers,No Cinemas or evening papers.He was a bully it is true,But to allow him his just dueHe made reforms; he also tookIn hand the bulky Doomsday book.IN William’s time we’re glad to writePeople began to be polite;Ladies curtseyed to their beaux,Who smartly raised their gay chapeaux.The JewsThe Jews he introduced from SpainBringing much knowledge in their trainOf Arts and Science; but ‘Longshanks’Expelled them with no word of thanks.FeudalismThese were the well known Feudal days,Tenants were slaves in many waysTo mighty Lords who owned the landAnd ruled them with an iron hand.Not free from duties were the Lords,The King could call upon their swordsAnd men to fight in time of need.So feudal laws of old decreed.William Rufus1087–1100WILLIAM Rufus or the ‘Red’In ten-eight-seven ruled instead;This may be; but we know, alack,Though he was red his deeds were black.Crusades 1095The first Crusade in ten-nine-five,A million men, a very hive,Swarm to the East, the Holy plainFrom the Mohammedans to gain.Henry I.1100–1135HENRY the First, of wisdom rife,Saxon Matilda makes his wife,Saxon and Norman line uniting,A learned chap who loved not fighting.Stephen1135–1154STEPHEN of Blois ascends the throneAnd ’gainst Matilda holds his own;Grandson of the Conqueror;Died in eleven-fifty-four.Henry II.1154–1189HENRY the Second claims our rhyme‘The hardest worker of his time’;A wiser King we never hadNor father with his sons so bad.BecketThis the first ‘Plantagenet’ KingWith Becket strove like anything;Church v. CrownWhich should be Master, Church or CrownPull-King Pull-Bishop; both went down.Thomas was murdered by four KnightsOn steps of Altar—Sorry wights:With bleeding feet the King atonesBy pilgrimage to Becket’s bones.Despite his struggles with the ChurchHe knocked the barons off their perch,Fifteen hundred Castles razingIn a manner quite amazing.LawTrial by jury further grows;The King’s Court in this reign arose;Our Parliaments from this proceedAnd all our other Courts indeed.LinenLinen’s first used in twelve-fiveWoollens alone in vogue before.Glass WindowsIn eleven-eight-nought first came to passThe novelty of window glass.And doubtless playful little boysFull of children’s simple joys,Cracked as our youngsters often doWith stones or ball a pane or two.Richard Cœur de Lion1189–1199Cœur de Lion from one CrusadeReturning was a prisoner made.But Blondel played an Air he knew,The King joined in; Voilà the clue.This catchy tune in a pleasant keyOpened the door to liberty.[p7]IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicJohn1199–1216AND so we’ll quickly journey onUntil we reach the reign of John;A King whose list of crimes was heavy;He treated badly his young ‘Nevvy’.Magna Charta 1215He signed the Magna Charta. Yes;In twelve-fifteen, but we may guessWith much ill grace and many a twist;For King John wrote an awful fist.John loses Normandy to FranceAnd by this beneficial chanceIn England comes amalgamation;Normans and Saxons form one NationRobin HoodAnd now we come to Robin Hood,The Forest bandit of Sherwood,A popular hero much belaudedBut not by folks whom he’d defrauded.There’s no need to descant uponHis boon companion ‘Little John’;Or ‘Friar Tuck’ so overblownHe tipped the scale at fifteen stone.Henry III.1216–1272AND what of Henry number Three,The King who suffered poverty?It’s very awkward we must ownTo be ‘hard up’ when on a Throne;IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicTo have to scrape up an amountTo pay the butcher on account,Or ask a dun in Kingly wayTo kindly call some other day.Coinage 1257In twelve-five-seven it is statedGold was coined and circulated,Ha’pence and farthings just before;In those times worth a great deal more.Langton Died 1228The Bible which from over seasHad no chapters and no versesWas by Archbishop Langton’s skillDivided as we use it still.IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicWhy was it Henry III. allowedAt court a huge rapacious crowdTo drain his coffers nearly dryFlattering with cajolery?[p8]AstrologyMANY simple folk, (it’s queer)Used to patronise the seerAnd pay cash down for magic spellPerchance a Horoscope as well.Or open wide at special rateThat musty tome the Book of Fate;Or seek the Philtre’s subtle aidTo win the hand of some fair maid.Wemus’ntmiss the TroubadoursWho went forth on their singing tours,Twanging harps and trilling laysTo maids of medieval days.And Oh! the right good merry timesWith Maskers, Mummers and the Mimes,Hobby horses gaily prancing,Bats and Bowls and Maypole dancing.When folks would take a lengthy journeyTo see the Knights at Joust or Tourney:Or watch the early English ‘Knuts’Show their skill at Archery butts.Then come gloomy History pagesOn torture of the Middle ages;The clanking fetters grim and black,The thumbscrew and the awful rack,The horrors of the dungeon deepBeneath the moat or castle keep,Rusty locks and heavy keysAnd—let us change the subject, please.First House of Commons twelve-six-five,At Westminster they all arrive.Simon de Montfort 1265Simon de Montfort was the manWho ‘engineered’ this useful plan.And we can picture these M.P.sNewly fledged and ill at easeDoing their level best to tryTo catch the embryo speaker’s eye.IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicEdward I.1272–1307EDWARD First ‘Longshanks’ nicknamedFor his lengthy stride far-famed.Here he is in twelve-seven-twoBounding along with much ado.A Soldier, Statesman and a KingHis lofty ideals picturingThat England, Scotland, Wales all three,United should one country be.IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicFirst Prince of Wales 1282In twelve-eight-two annexes Wales;Where afterwards no strife prevails.He promised a Prince with EnglishSo gave his new-born speechless son.[p9]IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicEdward I.1272–1307(continued)NEXT Scotland Edward tries to tackleNo easy task the Scotch to shackle;Wallace and Bruce resistance make,The King dies ere he gains the stake.In Edward’s reign some author writesThey first used candle dips for lights;And coal came in about this dateMixed (as to-day) with lots of slate.IRON JELLOIDSSo Monarchs, Barons, Dukes and KnightsWarmed their toes with Derby Brights;But those in hovels had the smutsArising from cheap Kitchen Nuts.Roger Bacon 1293Roger Bacon (ob. twelve-nine-three)Versed was in arts of alchemy;Gunpowder’s composition knew;And many another chemic brew.Many Mortmain Acts are passed;Six centuries these efforts lastTo stop the hungry HierarchyDevouring all the Squirearchy.Lollards 1307Lollards in thirteen-seven arosePopish rituals to oppose;John Wycliffe gives to old and youngThe Bible in the vulgar tongue.With John of Gaunt’s protection strongHe dared to preach ’gainst cleric wrong;Precursor of the ReformationTo liberal thought attuned the nation.Edward II.1307–1327EDWARD the Second with his minionsGoverns badly these dominionsEdward III.1327–1377His son a man of different mouldWas Edward Three, both wise and bold.Through clinging to their French domainsOur Kings are French through many reignsAnd Edward fighting in this causeCommenced a hundred years of Wars.A century’s struggle. For our painsOnly Calais town remains.French WarsA century after this ’twas lost,In Mary’s reign. Oh! what a frost.Weaving 1331In thirteen-three-one England’s taughtWeaving by men from Flanders brought.Ryghte goode cloth with lots of ‘body’The world was then not up to ‘shoddy.’Blanket of Bristol in this yearInvented blankets for our cheer;And since that time its been our boastOur beds have been as warm as toast.Edward ‘Black Prince’ One-three-four-six,A brave and noble warrior, ‘licks’Crecy 1346The valiant French in Crecy’s fray;Cannon first used upon this day,Causing panic with their rattle;But the Yeomen win the battle,For, flicking arrows from their bowsThey ‘filled the air as when it snows.’Thereon the English Calais seizeAnd of the channel hold the keys;The Spanish pirates bend the kneeThen Edward III’s ‘King of the sea.’Parliament 1376Lords and Commons from this dateHave their meetings separate,The Commons first a Speaker makeThe Chancellors the Woolsack take.Ten lady members have the LordsBut doubtless fearful of their words,Or thinking it not orthodoxy,They only let them vote by proxy.While Church and Barons have their squabblesThe House of Commons more power nobbles;On laws and taxes dares speak outAnd give the Pope the right-about.[p10]Kinge Rychard Ye II quarrelinge withe hysse PeopleLeasingLEASING or Farming, we are taught,Was introduced ’bout twelve-nought-nought;The Feudal system’s weakened andThe Tenants ‘usufruct’ the land.On various counts the serfs go freeAnd work for wages (Edward Three).The Black Death and the foreign warsIn labour ranks commotion cause;Strikes and craftsmen’s combinationThen arise among the nation;These movements preached by one John Ball,Who, born too soon, was hanged withal.Richard II.1377–1399NOW comes the Second Richard’s reign.It is recorded very plainThat he was full of discontentQuarrelling with his Parliament.“By my Halidom I’ll not pay it”Poll Tax 1380With his taxes super-satedThe peasants grew exasperated;They threw their spades and pitchforks downAnd marched as rebels into town.Thirteen-eighty’s Poll taxationPuts equal tax on all the nation;Lays seven thousand peasants dead;Wat Tyler and Jack Straw at head.PræmunirePræmunire Act is passedTo check the Papal Bulls at last.ChaucerChaucer the Poet this same yearMakes Pilgrimage to Becket’s bier.FORTES FORTUNA JUVAT.Age of ChivalryThis was the age, aye verily,Of ryghte goode noble chivalry,When Knights went forth through storm and stressTo rescue beauty in distress.[p11]IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicOr sallied out in valiant wayA monster dragon for to slay,Or with lance or trusty bladeDefend from harm the hapless maid.Henry IV.1399–1413HENRY Four, called ‘Bolingbroke’In Richard’s wheel puts many a spoke;Compels him to resign the throneWhich thereupon he makes his own.Through John of Gaunt, Lancastrian famed,His title to the crown he claimed;The Parliament confirms his rightAnd thus he’s king without a fight.Lollards 1401In this reign persecution’s turnedAgainst the Lollards—Cobham’s burned.Incredible! The records showA statute ‘de Comburondo.’Henry V.1413–1422FROM fourteen-thirteen, Henry Five,For many years with France did strive;His Widow founds the Tudor HouseBy taking Owen for her spouse.Henry VI.1422–1461HENRY Six, next in our rhymes,For fifty years had troublous times;Wars of Roses, Wars with France,The poor man never had a chance.Joan of Arc 1430Joan of Arc the peasant MaidInspired the French with Mystic aid;Disunited, we make peace,All France but Calais we release.Constantinople 1453Constantinople’s seized by TurksCausing Greek Scholars (with their works)To fly to Italy; and thenceLearning’s reborn—‘The Renaissance.’Edward IV.1461–1483IN Edward Fourth, fourteen-six-oneThe House of York obtains the Throne.He wins at Towton’s bloody fray,No quarter given on that day.Guy, Earl of Warwick in these fraysWas always turning different ways;Barnet 1471On Barnet Field he met his doomThe Rose of York’s now well abloom.The Barons, Church and Commons fall,The King emerges Boss of all.Benevolences he exacts,An early form of Super Tax.Earl of Warwick‘Kingmaker’ was Earl Warwick styledWith his manner scarcely mildHe set Kings up and bowled them downPlaying at ninepins with the Crown.IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicWars of Roses 1485White and Red Rose warring madlyBled the country very sadly,Three-and-thirty years contending;At Bosworth Field we see the ending.Printing 1473First in fourteen-seventy-threeWe print from type in this Countree.Now it is that time’s first measuredBy monster watches greatly treasured.Thomas Parr this centurieHis hundred-fifty years did see;But Henry Jenkins, so ’tis said,In age was seventeen years ahead.Hoary patriarchs were theseRetaining p’raps their faculties;What a comfort ’tis to mentionNeither drew the old age pension.[p12]Ye Bookeworme burninge ye Midnyghte OilePRINTING started through the NationA taste for higher education;Here is a citizen at home;Note his very brainy Dome.Richard III.1483–1485RICHARD (Crookback) in fateful hourSmothered his nephews in the Tower,He murdered them the Crown to gain;A heavy price for three years’ reign.The Scutcheon’s blotted terriblyOf this King Richard number Three,For it seems his recreationWas ordering decapitation.1485On Bosworth Field when sorely pressedHe made a bid th’uncommonest‘My kingdom for a horse’ he cried;No offers coming, there he died.Henry VII.1485–1509LANCASTRIAN Richmond wins the fightAnd to make his title rightElizabeth of York espouses,Thus uniting the two Houses.This Henry Seven of Tudor lineTo misers’ habits did incline;Twelve millions stated to possess,A tidy little fortune! Yes!Star ChamberMuch he managed to extortBy means of a Star Chamber CourtFrom the rich nobles; A new wileFor adding to the kingly pile.With cash in hand he could attainHis wish as Autocrat to reign;As sole possessor of the gunsThe King no risk from rebels runs.Skyscrape Flats to be erected here; Buy Hustles chewing gum; Fifth AvenueColumbus 1498COLUMBUS, full of travellers’ lore,By going West sought India’s shore;But found America’s wondrous land;His ‘exes’ paid by Ferdinand.Of voyagers we’ve now a lotVascodaGama and Cabot,Who sailed from Bristol, whence it grewBristolians claim this fine cuckoo.Henry VIII Pops the QuestionHenry VIII.1509–1547NOW Henry Eight comes on the screen,A stalwart youth, ætat. eighteen;With youthful hope the nation’s buoyed;Only, alas! to be destroyed.[p13]Henry Ye Eighth Thynkynge offe Ye PastHenry VIII.1509–1547(continued)THIS King Henry number EightSix times tried the married state;And certainly of all the KingsSpent the most on wedding rings.But to search through old ArchivesFor tales of Henry and his wivesAnd all their little tiffs to traceWe cannot spare the time or space.Yet there are some who fain would singThe praises of this rotund King;But as a husband we’re afraidHis category’s lowest grade.He wielded harsh the despot’s power,And packed his wives off to the Tower;Consigned them to a fate most dreaded;Two, alas! he had beheaded.[p14]IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicHAIL NOW TO THEE OUR GOOD QUEEN BESS!Henry VIII. (continued)Reformation 1517MARTIN Luther, fifteen-one-seven,Sows his Reformation leaven;It finds a culture medium hereIn the ‘New Learning’s’ atmosphere.Of this New Learning More’s the chief,Utopia’s Author, He’s ’mid griefBeheaded, saying cool and calm,‘Cut not my beard, that’s done no harm.’His friend Erasmus, Logic’s Master,Trimmed his sails and ’scaped disaster.A third, Dean Colet who St. Paul’sSchool London into being calls.Wolsey 1530In fifteen-thirty Wolsey great,A Cardinal and Man of State,From Butcher’s son had risen high.Reader! consult your Shakespeare nigh.Blamed by some; by others praised;He fell; but still the pile he raisedMost nobly graces Hampton Court.Give Wolsey then a tender thought.His main ambition that the KingShould be supreme in everything;Thomas CromwellAnd Thomas Cromwell followed suitTo make his master absoluteHead of the Church within his realm.These two most able at the helm;But not with skill enough enduedTo ’scape their King’s ingratitude.Despotical the King’s power grew.He’s England’s Pope by Act of Su-Premacy; as, to gain divorce,The foreign Pope is banned perforce.1537Now Bluff King Harry gives the MonksA series of most awful funks;Three thousand odd of their domainsHe ‘collars’ for his Courtiers’ gains.Edward VI.1547–1553EDWARD Six to the throne succeedsA pious youth of goodly deeds;One, well known in the Capital,The Blue Coat School (Christ’s Hospital).Mary1553–1558QUEEN Mary One, in Smithfield Square,At Oxford, Gloucester and elsewhere,Burned poor Martyrs by the score;The Romish faith she would restore.Elizabeth1558–1603HAIL now to thee our good Queen Bess,Garbed in the puffed and padded dress,Farthingale and starched up frills,Meaning heavy laundry bills.Od’s Bodikins; what monstrous ruffs,What gowns of rich embroidered stuffsPiped and scolloped, trimmed with furs,And shaped like huge gasometers.Now we’ve warfare of the Creeds,For their thoughts all Europe bleeds;Each party seeks by force to makeThe other side its faith forsake.Spain the Great Power of those daysIn these contentions first part plays.Plymouth Hoe Bowling ClubDrakeDrake at bowls on Plymouth HoeLeft his game to meet this foeAnd came home laden we are toldWith seachests full of Spanish gold.Armada 1588In fifteen-eight-eight Armada strongFrom Spain to squash us comes along;Which Howard, Frobisher and DrakeAnd stormy weather overtake.[p15]GLOBE THEATRE TONYGHTE Ye Tragedye offe Hamlette by William ShakspereShakespeare1564–1616AND in these epoch making daysShakespeare wrote and staged his plays;Weaving a thread whose magic strandsEntwine all English-speaking lands.Fifteen-eight-seven Scots’ Queen MaryLost her head through fate contrary.When Henry Eight had robbed the Church’Twas found the poor were in the lurch;Poor LawA law was passed about this dateTo place the poor upon the rate.IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicSir Walter Raleigh1552–1618SIR Walter Raleigh, best of Knights,The first to taste the keen delightsOf the enchantress so serene,The Ryghte Goode Ladye Nicotine.No information’s yet to handConcerning Raleigh’s favourite brand;TobaccoWas it coarse-cut shag which burnsThe tongue, or birdseye or returns?Queen ElizabethGood Queen Bess we understandHad crowds of suitors for her hand;And here we beg to give a viewOf suitors waiting in a queue.[p16]IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicQueen Elizabeth (continued)AS time rolled on this Good Queen BessLost somewhat of her sprightliness;She got into a nervous stateWas mopish and disconsolate.Now, as everyone will own,Had ‘Iron Jelloids’ been but knownIn Bess’s time; why, it’s conceded’Twas just the Tonic that she needed.East India Company 1600The great ‘John Comp’ny’ now beganItsfine career without a plan.Great! The Elizabethan Age.In History’s book a glorious page.Somewhere or other we’ve heard snuffCame in the days of frill and ruff;And here’s a noble ill at easeGiving the first recorded sneeze.James I.1603–1625JAMES Six of Scotland, miscalled a ‘fule’As James One of England comes to rule.Gramercy! ’tis a canny thingTo be a ‘double-barrelled’ King.The son of Mary Queen of ScotsOf learning he had lots and lots,Writing sundry ponderous books’Gainst ’bacca, witches and their spooks.James thought his kingly power divineAnd, loathing Puritanic ‘whine,’He vowed to make them all complyOr else he’d ‘know the reason why.’Pilgrim Fathers 1620His persecution to escapeSome Zealots in the ‘Mayflower’ shapeTheir course for an uncharted worldWhere Freedom’s Flag could be unfurled.These ‘Pilgrim Fathers’ found a state‘New England,’ blessed with happy fate.Folks have called the first King JamesMost uncomplimentary names;To wit ‘a sloven’ and ‘a glutton’;Perhaps his weakness was Scotch Mutton.And as to gluttony, ‘Gadzooks’!If what we read in History booksIs true, they all were trenchermen;There were no diet faddists then.It startles us, one must declare,To read their breakfast bill of fare;All ‘Kynes’ of ale, some highly spicedAnd divers meats, roast, boiled and sliced.In James’ reign a man could getFor money down a coronetAnd titles with the greatest easeLike folks to-day buy soap and cheese.HarveyYet a learned time; for Harvey showsThat blood’s not stagnant, but it flows;Lord Bacon‘Experiment!’ Lord Bacon cries‘There is no progress otherwise.’[p17]Model of the notorious Guy Fawkes which however is not considered historically accurate5th November 1605OF troubles James had quite a lot,For instance the Gunpowder Plot.It fizzled out but left to-dayA liking for Firework display.The First CrackerSo rockets with their sweeping curves,Crackers which upset the nervesAnd squibs with their infernal dinTo this date owe their origin.Charles I.1625–1649HIS son Charles One we understandRuled England with a grasping hand;For he was never loth to levyTaxes burdensome and heavy.He moved in an expensive set,Was always heavily in debt;In fact this monarch with his frillsWas snowed up to the neck with bills.He was courtly, graceful, distingué,And when the scaffold came his way‘He nothing common did or meanUpon that memorable scene.’He had a very taking wayAnd made his taxed up subjects pay;And over taxing it is saidThis Monarch fairly lost his head.Petition of Right—1628The ‘Petition of Right’ a famous Act,The Commons from the King exact;Giving the subject on his ownA remedy against the throne.First Newspaper 1621In sixteen-hundred-twenty-oneOur first news-sheet began its run;For twenty years ’twas going strongThen the first Censor came along.This journal cribbing from the DutchLacked the smart journalistic touch;And also photographic views,‘Sporting pars’ and ‘Stop-press News.’The Great Struggle in Charles’ Time. King trying to get money from Taxpayer. Creditor trying to get money from King[p18]IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicTHAT QUIET MAN, KNOWN AS THE EARLY PURITAN.Cotton 1630COTTON first came from India’s shoreIn sixteen-thirty, less or more;Where for three thousand years it grew,Also in Egypt and Peru.Grim reading is the note confessingGangs went out for Navy pressing,Forcing many a timid knaveTo spend his life on ocean wave.Ship Money 1636Charles raises the ship money tax;He thought he only had to ‘ax’;When Hampden strenuously objected,The King was very much affected.Strafford 1641Earl Strafford (‘Thorough’) in his pride‘The King shall rule the Commons’ cried;The Commons would not brook such stuffAnd cut his head off. ‘Quantum Suff.’The ‘Grand Remonstrance’ is put forthBy the Commons who are wrathWith the King’s despotic waysQuite unsuited to these days.The King tries hard to put in jailFive Members but without avail;Hollis, Strode, Haslerig and PymAnd Hampden (we must mention him);They’re guarded from the Royal handsBy Watermen and City Bands.The ‘die is cast’ and Civil WarFor seven long years the Nation tore.Civil Wars1642–1648CROMWELL greatest of the foemenWith his faithful English Yeomen;These ‘Roundheads’ sober, grim, religiousTo ‘Cavaliers’ gave blows prodigious.Their character’s seen in the cry‘Trust God and keep your powder dry.’Naseby 1645The Cavaliers and Roundheads foughtIn many a field, ’till Naseby broughtTo Generals Cromwell and FairfaxA crowning victory, though not ‘pax.’The King’s beheaded, but the StateExperiences no headless fate;A commonwealth’s forthwith proclaimedAnd Cromwell’s soon Protector named.Dunbar 1650In sixteen-fifty Dunbar seesThe Royal Scots brought to their knees;And in the second Worcester fightCromwell for good asserts his might.Worcester 1651And there are those who love to tellAbout that day at BoscobelWhen Charles the Second’s MajestyeFound itself doubly ‘up a tree.’And now we meet that quiet manKnown as the early Puritan;Mild and placid in his talk,Calm and measured in his walk.“Paint me warts and all”Commonwealth1649–1660Oliver Cromwell bluff and bold,Was cast in Nature’s sternest mould,Lacking maybe the courtly graceAnd proud of warts upon his face.He fought the Irish and the ScotchAnd with his navy beat the DutchLet all his faultscondonédbe,He kept us up on land and sea.[p19]“Take away that bauble”Commonwealth (continued)HE seemed to like bold argumentAnd wordy wars with Parliament;He made things lively we inferFrequently at Westminster.IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicWith M.P.s he had many a boutAnd one day cleared the whole lot out;Locked the door and took the key;Those not the days of ‘Wait and See.’Charles II.1660–1685CROMWELL’S death brings RestorationAnd Charles Two lands ’mid acclamation.After his leaps from twig to twigHe now has ‘Otium cum Dig.’In merry Charles the Second’s ageWoman first acted on the stage;The King encouraged much this vogueHe was a pleasure seeking rogue.‘He never said a foolish thing,Nor did a wise one’; this the KingCountered with ‘My words my ownMy acts my ministers’ alone’;1662In sixteen-six-two year of grace,Charles taxed every fire-place;And citizens who couldn’t payShivered and grumbled as to-day.These were the times of MusketeersAnd proud and dashing Cavaliers;When words were few and tempers hotAnd duels fought out on the spot.John BunyanTHE tinker preacher Bunyan wroteThe ‘Pilgrim’s Progress’ we still quote,The prison bars no barrier wroughtTo lowly Bunyan’s lofty thought.Milton 1678In stately language Milton’s museThe Bible story doth diffuse;From ‘Paradise Lost’ we get our viewOf Adam and Eve and Satan too.The Reverend Titus Oates, a scamp,Egregious Popish plots did vamp,Lied roundly for dishonest gains,Got Cat-o’-nine-tails for his pains.Habeas Corpus 1679The ‘Habeas Corpus’ best of lawsShields us from prison without cause;’Twas passed in sixteen-seventy-nine,And means ‘Produce him here,’ in fine.Van TrompAdmiral Van Tromp, Dutchman bold,With broom at masthead, so ’tis told,The Channel sailed, suggesting he’sSwept all the English from the seas.BlakeBut Blake laughed loud and spread his sailsNought the Dutchman now avails;For he got an awful shockerRight to Davy Jones’ locker.But though the Dutch failed to invade,They were not disinclined to trade;So we get ‘Hollands,’ cheese and hamsFresh from the land of Dykes and Dams.Peace of Breda 1667For fifteen years these Navies fought,’Till sixteen-six-seven respite brought;The Peace of Breda then succeeded;New York to England was conceded.PlagueIn sixty-five the Plague appearsAnd then the Fire; two awful yearsFire of London1665–1666For London—And if more you’d knowConsult the Pages of Defoe.[p20]IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicQUEEN ANNE AND THE DUKE OF MARLBOROUGH.James II.1685–1688WHEN Charles Two died his brother JamesSoon put the country into flames;Papistry he would advance,And for that purpose leagued with France.In sixteen-eight-eight his bigot zealReligious Test Act would repeal;Seven bold Bishops who defiedTo the Tower were sent and tried.The country raised a hue and crySo off to France the King doth fly.William III.1689–1702HIS place is filled by William ThreeHis son-in-law from Dutch countree.This Orange sprig most brave of menWith Mary reigns and all things thenWent well with us. Macaulay’s pageHails him as Hero of the age.In this reign of William Three,Laws were harsh ’gainst burglary;For they’d a very drastic wayAnd hanged the ‘Bill Sykes’ of that day.National Debt 1694In sixteen-nine-four we have heardThe National Debt was first incurred;To careful folk who would invest’Twas not devoid of interest.Another National Debt we oweTo Iron Jelloids which the foeDepression’s worries keep at bayAnd drive our nervous fears away.Bill of Rights 1689The ‘Bill of Rights,’ a Charter grand,In sixteen-eight-nine frees this landFrom all encroachments of the CrownHoi Polloi are no longer down.Queen Anne1702–1714GOOD Queen Anne we know is dead;She reigned twelve years but it is said‘Mrs. Morley,’ Marlborough’s wifeRuled her more than half her life.MarlboroughThis was the Duke of Marlborough’s day,Who beat the French in every fray;Known for his famous victoriesAt Blenheim and at Ramillies.In seventeen-seven by statute passedEnglish and Scotch unite at last;‘One coinage and one Parliament’Both Nations ever since content.About this time, so runs the story,Much is heard of ‘Whig and Tory’;And shortly after there was rifeMany a sign of party strife.Dr. Watts1674–1748Good Dr. Watts’ moral laysWere much reputed in these days;And still we lisp at Mother’s knee‘How doth the little Busy Bee.’Pope1688–1744Pope, letter-writer and great poet,Most quotable of all (ye know it),At Twickenham penned his caustic verseEpigrammatic, smooth and terse.George I.1714–1727THE House of Stuart being ended,George of Hanover (descendedFrom daughter of King Jamie One)Comes over to ascend our throne.Of English George knew not a word,Most awkward, not to say absurd,At Cabinet Councils to preside;So from this time the practice died.George II.1727–1760HIS son George Two succeeding thenIn person fought at Dettingen.Both these Kings had various fightsIn Scotland with the Jacobites.William Tull brings in Post Chaises;Now the people ride like ‘blazes.’;Many can’t for they’re in trouble,Ruined by the South Sea Bubble.Wesleys1703–1791John and Charles Wesley, men of mind,Revive Religion in Mankind.Founding a Church both broad and low,One-seven-three-nought A. Domini.Clive 1746Beginning as an office clerkAs soldier Clive soon made his mark,And conquered India for this Nation;Self ’stounded at his moderation.Bridgwater, Gilbert, Brindley, threeGreat Engineers this Centurie,CanalsUseful canals in England made,The flowing arteries of trade.Quebec 1759General Wolfe seventeen-five-nineCaptures Quebec—a victory fine,And Canada’s the splendid prizeFor old ‘John Bull’ to colonise.George III.1760–1820AND now of Georgey number Three:Ut mulus obstinatus heHad full sixty years of reignAnd a big family to train.[p21]IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicGEORGIAN TIMES.Georgian TimesWE will but very lightly scanThe customs known as ‘Georgian’;The times of powdered Belles and Beaux;Patches, paint and furbelows;Of beauteous maids and gallants gayAnd merry routs at Ranelagh;Gaming parties, cards or poolAnd ‘Fops’ of the Beau Brummel School.“Odds faith they say there’s iron in it”When rank and fashion History tellsAll took their cures among the Wells;And sipped in manner hesitatingDaily doses nauseating.But we know better how to actOur cures we purchase more compactFor in the Chemists’ you can see‘Iron Jelloids’ priced at ‘One and Three.’Lord ‘Periwig’ and gay ‘Fallal’In Sedan Chairs frequent the Mall.‘Taxis’ and ‘Tubes’ we beg to stateCame in at a much later date.When Brummel, the historic Beau,Made laws for dress and outward show;Whose vests were poems, whose coats were dreamsOf gorgeous beauty, so it seems;Who figured in the public gazeA ‘Star turn’ with his courtly ways;Who fixed the style of a cravat,Lord of Appeal anent a hat.And My Lord Chesterfield was quiteThe model of the most politeWrote famous letters. It’s a shame,A settee has usurped his name.Dr. Johnson1709–1784And Dr. Johnson at his easeSipped his tea at the ‘Cheshire Cheese,’Or at the ‘Mitre’ of renown,Spreading his wit throughout the Town.GarrickWhen Garrick as the ‘Moody Dane’Drew the Town to Drury Lane,Mrs. SiddonsSarah Siddons was all the rageTragedy Queen of every age.Highwaymen arméd to the teethWaited for prey on Hounslow Heath;Per contra the Highwayman’s pateWas oft strung up at Tyburn Gate.Capt. Cook1728–1779It’s only right a History bookShould mark the feats of Captain Cook;So jot it down in these our RhymesThat round the World he sailed three times.Inventions 1767These are the days of much inventionThe ‘Spinning Jenny’ we will mention;The ‘Cotton Mule’ and ‘Power Loom’;For Authors’ names there’s lack of room.Adam Smith 1766In his book ‘The Wealth of Nations’Adam Smith shows the relationsGoverning the Art of Trading;With influences far pervading.‘Man buys as cheaply as he canAnd sells as dearly, that’s his plan.’‘Supply Demand each other feedDearer markets cheap ones bleed.’Jenner 1796Jenner brings in vaccination,Boon to every generation;By similar methods now devisedMany an ill is exorcised.[p22]IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicNELSON AND WELLINGTON.American War 1775IN seventeen-sixty and fifteenOur Taxes raise the Yankees’ spleen.‘Unrepresented, you’ve no rightTo tax us, therefore we will fight.’Washington, Franklin and the restFormed a Republic quite the best;We’ve long been friends. Let us rejoice;But at the time we had no choice.French RevolutionIN France in times of Louis Seize (says)Oppression dire through countless daysRoused Revolution with its tearsMainly through books with wrong ideas.Napoleon I.1793–1815From Revolution’s putrid messA Conqueror’s born, quite conscienceless,Millions of men and women diedVictims to Napoleon’s pride.He plunged all Europe into WarsHis own ambition the sole cause.England as usual did her ‘bit’And ‘Boney’ Europe had to quit.During these years of storm and stressTwo noble pilots we possess‘Chatham and Son’ (Pitt is their name),Illustrious on the scroll of fame.Nelson 1805Here we must our homage payTo Nelson of Trafalgar Day;WellingtonTo Wellington the same is due,Who crowned his fame at Waterloo.IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicAND ‘Shiver my timbers,’ ‘Heave ahoy,’The Tar, those times a breezy boyWith shiny hat and pigtail longAnd love for lass and glass and song.Discovery of Electric ForceAbout this date Electric ForceDawns on mankind. Before, of course,In Lightning it was all about,With noise enough to be found out.Coelo eripuit fulmen,’Twas said of Franklin, as ye ken.Philosopher of bygone ageAccept our homage on this page.But who’d have thought it that GalvaniWhen making soup, (this is no blarney)By his power of observationOn a frog’s legs’ oscillationShould find how by chemic waysElectric currents we can raise?To call him ‘great’ is no flattery;He set us on the wondrous battery.This simple little frog, Heigh Ho!The frog who would a-wooing go;Thy part in electricityIs unmatched eccentricity.This new discovered fact, of course,Leads to the Telegraph of Morse,The Motor and Electric LightThe Telephone and more in sight.[p23]Early Victorian—Mid VictorianIN QUEEN VICTORIA’S PALMY DAYS.IrelandOF Ireland but a word or two.Celts were her people and they knewNot benefit of Roman Ruling;Young Europa’s Infant Schooling.In century five St. Patrick greatConverts them to the Christian state;And from this Western Isle afar,English and Scotch converted are.Danes and IrelandTwo hundred years from nine-nought-noughtDanes raiding Erin trouble brought;And left them in chaotic stateNo longer masters of their fate.In those days ’twas ‘Woe to the weak,’Saxons and Danes had made us squeak,Then came the Normans in great forceAnd civilised us in due course.They tried the same with Ireland green;But only sowed a feud betweenThe land they’d conquered and Erin,Leading to endless quarrelling.CromwellEngland accepts the Reformation,Catholic still the Irish nationBoyneSees Cromwell with them battle joinAnd William beat them at the Boyne.William Pitt in eighteen-nought-noughtIreland and England’s welfare soughtAct of Union 1800By ‘Act of Union’ which he passed;But still the wretched squabbles last.George IV.NOW come George Four and Will his brother;With these two kings we need not bother;William IV.The first a gourmand, bon viveur,The next a sailor, bluff, sans peur.Trevithick, Newcomen, and WattAre names will never be forgot;For their crude engines were the sourceOf man’s control of Steam’s wild force.Steam 1830By eighteen-thirty man has tamedSteam to his use; and widely famedWas puffing ‘Rocket’ with the powerOf doing thirty miles an hour.Steam prompts man to make machinesAnd Factories rise with all that means;Divided more and more is labourEach man leans more on his neighbour.For twenty million pounds the nationBuys our slaves’ emancipation.Reform ActIn eighteen-three-two, happy year,The great Reform Act doth appear.Steam vessels the Atlantic cross.The penny post comes into force.And double knocks bring joys and thrillsSometimes cheques, more often bills.Corn Law Repeal 1846The Corn Law duty’s brushed away,Hence we enjoy cheap bread to-day.WE fain would linger, but alas,These are the periods we must pass.So gentle reader do not grinAt sight of cumbrous crinoline.Victoria1837–1901Since Queen Victoria’s palmy daysWoman has altered all her ways.In those days she was meek and mildAnd treated almost like a child;Woman’s StatusWas brought up in a narrow zone;And couldn’t call her soul her own.She vegetated, ’tis well knownUnder the ‘cloche’ of Chaperone.But now the ‘Franchise’ she obtains,And her own property retains.What a difference from then,She ‘carries on’ just like the men.And now at Westminster we seeA lady sitting as M.P.Darwin1809–1882CHARLES Darwin offers us a KeyTo help unlock the mysteryOf Evolution’s wondrous spanFrom Protoplasm up to Man.Livingstone1813–1873The traveller, great Scotch Livingstone,Wandered o’er Afric’s trackless Zone;Where no white man had ever trodTeaching the blacks the Word of God.Crimean WarEnglish, French and Turks unite’Gainst Russia in Crimean fight.Indian MutinyThe Indian Mutiny now arose,‘Fat’ was the cause that led to blows.Atlantic CableWith efforts many men most ableLay the great Atlantic Cable.Suez CanalLesseps unites for you and meThe Medit’ranean and Red Sea.Education ActThe Education Act proposesTo make us all as wise as Moses;In eighteen-seven-nought it passed,But each is learning to the last.Ballot Act 1872A couple of years from this we noteThe Ballot Act gives secret vote;Before this Act, e’en since we fear,Folks sold their votes for draughts of beer.[p24]IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicWOMEN TOOK TO SPADE AND HOE.Edward VII.1901–1910EDWARD Seven, ‘Peacemaker’ named,His efforts to this end far famed.We know it was no idle chanceHis ‘Entente cordiale’ with France.True friendship and the peace we wantThe outcome of this grand Entente.Though not accented in our rhymeWe’ve been fighting all the time;And it’s a fact which must be statedOur chief opponent (so ’twas fated)Wars with FranceOur nearest neighbour o’er the SeaWhose ‘No’ is ‘Non’; whose ‘Yes’ is ‘Oui’;Like two schoolboys always sparringEight hundred years together warring;From Hastings unto WaterlooWe’d battles with the brave ‘Mossoo.’Now Honi soit qui still y pense;Hurrah for England! Vive la France!AND here we come to end our rhymesWe’ve reached the present stirring times,When one and all lent helping handTo keep secure the Motherland.When men went forth to fight the foeAnd women took to spade and hoe,And donning smocks of nattiest styles,Worked on the land for Farmer Giles.Now three cheers for the dainty maids,Government clerks of different grades;Nor are we likely to forgetOur debt to the Munitionette.The Present TimeWe seem to have subdued the HunAnd so farewell (our task is done)To Anzacs-Indians-Poilus-Yanks—Italians-Belgians-Japs-and-Tanks.

BOADICEA.Preface“Arms and the man” was Virgil’s strain;But we propose in lighter veinTo browse a crop from pastures (Green’s)Of England’s Evolution scenes.Who would from facts prognosticateThe future progress of this State,Must own the chiefest fact to beHer escalator is the Sea.“Take cover”PrehistoricHISTORIANS erudite and sage,When writing of the past stone age,Tell us man once was clothed in skinsAnd tattooed patterns on his shins.Rough bearded and with shaggy locksHe lived in dug-outs in the rocks.Was often scared and run to earthBy creatures of abnormal girth:Mammoths and monsters; truth to tellWe find their names too long to spell.He joined in little feuds no doubt;And with his weapons fashioned outOf flint, went boldly to the fray;And cracked a skull or two per day.DruidsWE read of priests of Celtic day,Ancient Druids, holding swayBy smattering of Occult lawAnd man’s eternal sense of awe.StonehengeThey used Stonehenge on Salisbury PlainReputed Prehistoric Fane;Note each megalithic boulder;No Monument in Europe’s older.

BOADICEA.

BOADICEA.

Preface“Arms and the man” was Virgil’s strain;But we propose in lighter vein

To browse a crop from pastures (Green’s)Of England’s Evolution scenes.

Who would from facts prognosticateThe future progress of this State,

Must own the chiefest fact to beHer escalator is the Sea.

“Take cover”

“Take cover”

PrehistoricHISTORIANS erudite and sage,When writing of the past stone age,

Tell us man once was clothed in skinsAnd tattooed patterns on his shins.

Rough bearded and with shaggy locksHe lived in dug-outs in the rocks.

Was often scared and run to earthBy creatures of abnormal girth:

Mammoths and monsters; truth to tellWe find their names too long to spell.

He joined in little feuds no doubt;And with his weapons fashioned out

Of flint, went boldly to the fray;And cracked a skull or two per day.

DruidsWE read of priests of Celtic day,Ancient Druids, holding sway

By smattering of Occult lawAnd man’s eternal sense of awe.

StonehengeThey used Stonehenge on Salisbury PlainReputed Prehistoric Fane;

Note each megalithic boulder;No Monument in Europe’s older.

“Veni, Vidi, Vici”PhœniciansMERCHANT explorers of that day,Hustling Phœnicians, came this wayTo ship tin ore from Cornish minesThree thousand years before these lines.But still in spite of petty strifeMan lived what’s termed the ‘simple life’Julius CæsarB.C. 55Till Julius Cæsar in five-fiveWith his galleys did arrive.He wrote despatches of the best,‘Veni, Vidi’ and the rest,Sending the news of victory home;And flags then fluttered high in Rome.His ‘photo’ one plain fact disclosesHe brought in fashion Roman noses.Of this great General ’tis allowedThe best ‘Life’ is by J. A. Froude.BoadiceaA.D. 62Boadicea earns our praise.First woman leader in those days;For Freedom strove all she could do,’Twas lost in A.D. sixty-two.AgricolaThen came Agricola one dayAnd gained a battle near the Tay.He started trimming up this isle,And laid out roads in Roman style.East, North, South, West, it’s safe to sayHis handiwork is traced to-day.The Natives too were taught to knowBy busy merchants’ constant flowThe wisdom that great Empire held;Their ignorance was thus dispelled.Romans leftA.D. 410About four hundred-ten A.D.The Romans left sans cérémonie.Can it be wondered at when RomeWas needing help ’gainst Huns at home.Our antiquarians often findThe relics which they left behind;A Villa here and pavement there,Coins galore and Roman ware.Anglo-SaxonsA.D. 430AND so we run our flippant rhymesRight on to Anglo-Saxon times.Hengist and Horsa with their menCame from their Jutish pirate den,JutesAnd paid us visits in their shipsBent on their ruthless looting trips.And Angles landing in the HumberGave that district little slumber.They plundered morning, noon, and night,Were rough, uncouth, and impolite,No ‘By your leave’ or ‘S’il vous plait’They came to rob, remained to prey.Horsa 455Horsa was slain in four-five-five,Leaving Hengist still aliveTo live out his allotted term,Surviving partner of the Firm.King ArthurTime has many a fable woundAbout King Arthur’s table round,Where Knights quaffed cordials, wines and ales,And told their little fairy tales.Augustine 597About six hundred years A.D.To teach us ChristianityCame Augustine. Wondrous Story;Canterbury’s Pile his glory.Heptarchy 827Called ‘Heptarchy’ the seven SaxonStates each other made attacks on;After four hundred years they’d strivenThey coalesced in eight-two-seven.

“Veni, Vidi, Vici”

“Veni, Vidi, Vici”

PhœniciansMERCHANT explorers of that day,Hustling Phœnicians, came this way

To ship tin ore from Cornish minesThree thousand years before these lines.

But still in spite of petty strifeMan lived what’s termed the ‘simple life’

Julius CæsarB.C. 55Till Julius Cæsar in five-fiveWith his galleys did arrive.

He wrote despatches of the best,‘Veni, Vidi’ and the rest,

Sending the news of victory home;And flags then fluttered high in Rome.

His ‘photo’ one plain fact disclosesHe brought in fashion Roman noses.

Of this great General ’tis allowedThe best ‘Life’ is by J. A. Froude.

BoadiceaA.D. 62Boadicea earns our praise.First woman leader in those days;

For Freedom strove all she could do,’Twas lost in A.D. sixty-two.

AgricolaThen came Agricola one dayAnd gained a battle near the Tay.

He started trimming up this isle,And laid out roads in Roman style.

East, North, South, West, it’s safe to sayHis handiwork is traced to-day.

The Natives too were taught to knowBy busy merchants’ constant flow

The wisdom that great Empire held;Their ignorance was thus dispelled.

Romans leftA.D. 410About four hundred-ten A.D.The Romans left sans cérémonie.

Can it be wondered at when RomeWas needing help ’gainst Huns at home.

Our antiquarians often findThe relics which they left behind;

A Villa here and pavement there,Coins galore and Roman ware.

Anglo-SaxonsA.D. 430AND so we run our flippant rhymesRight on to Anglo-Saxon times.

Hengist and Horsa with their menCame from their Jutish pirate den,

JutesAnd paid us visits in their shipsBent on their ruthless looting trips.

And Angles landing in the HumberGave that district little slumber.

They plundered morning, noon, and night,Were rough, uncouth, and impolite,

No ‘By your leave’ or ‘S’il vous plait’They came to rob, remained to prey.

Horsa 455Horsa was slain in four-five-five,Leaving Hengist still alive

To live out his allotted term,Surviving partner of the Firm.

King ArthurTime has many a fable woundAbout King Arthur’s table round,

Where Knights quaffed cordials, wines and ales,And told their little fairy tales.

Augustine 597About six hundred years A.D.To teach us Christianity

Came Augustine. Wondrous Story;Canterbury’s Pile his glory.

Heptarchy 827Called ‘Heptarchy’ the seven SaxonStates each other made attacks on;

After four hundred years they’d strivenThey coalesced in eight-two-seven.

IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicAlfred872–901OF good King Alfred we’ve all heardHow when hiding he incurredA lady’s anger for not takingCare of Cakes which she was baking.(Most probably she left the KingWhile she went out a-gossiping.)Before he died in nine-nought-one,Old England’s Navy had begun.He laid a tax on every townTo aid his fleet to gain renown.He was the best of Saxon KingsAnd did a lot of useful things;Built Oxford with its noble spiresAnd mapped out England into Shires.Danes 783IN seven-eight-three first came the DanesWho caused the Saxons aches and pains.They sailed right up our rivers broad,Putting the natives to the sword.“Danegeld” 991For centuries our sadly fatedTowns by them were devastated.Etheldredthe ‘Unready Toff’By ‘Danegeld’ tries to buy them off.IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicCanute1014–1036TWO hundred years the raiding DanesCame over. Then their Canute reigns.We’ll merely mention that he triedAn object lesson with the tide.Hardicanute1039–1041Hardicanute, sad to confess,Died from drinking to excess.He couldn’t conquer love of wineAnd with him went the Danish line.Edward the Confessor1041–1066EDWARD the Confessor staidThe Saxon line renewed. RemadeAt Westminster the Abbey grand,And signed the first ‘Will’ in this land.And since his time (’tis not refuted)Scores of Wills have been disputed.Ah! legal quibbles such as theseMean Lawyers waxing rich on fees.Harold 1066HAROLD last of the Saxon lineAt Hastings made an effort fineAnd lost his life—it was to be,Crushed by the men of Normandy.From Scandinavia they’d come,And made fair Normandy their home;William theConquerer1066–1087Whence William spying out our shore,Oliver-Twist-like, wanted more.In ten-six-six he won the dayIn that tough fight out Hastings way.Of course, no record in our reach,Depicts ‘ole Bill’ thus on the beach.

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

Alfred872–901OF good King Alfred we’ve all heardHow when hiding he incurred

A lady’s anger for not takingCare of Cakes which she was baking.

(Most probably she left the KingWhile she went out a-gossiping.)

Before he died in nine-nought-one,Old England’s Navy had begun.

He laid a tax on every townTo aid his fleet to gain renown.

He was the best of Saxon KingsAnd did a lot of useful things;

Built Oxford with its noble spiresAnd mapped out England into Shires.

Danes 783IN seven-eight-three first came the DanesWho caused the Saxons aches and pains.

They sailed right up our rivers broad,Putting the natives to the sword.

“Danegeld” 991For centuries our sadly fatedTowns by them were devastated.

Etheldredthe ‘Unready Toff’By ‘Danegeld’ tries to buy them off.

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

Canute1014–1036TWO hundred years the raiding DanesCame over. Then their Canute reigns.

We’ll merely mention that he triedAn object lesson with the tide.

Hardicanute1039–1041Hardicanute, sad to confess,Died from drinking to excess.

He couldn’t conquer love of wineAnd with him went the Danish line.

Edward the Confessor1041–1066EDWARD the Confessor staidThe Saxon line renewed. Remade

At Westminster the Abbey grand,And signed the first ‘Will’ in this land.

And since his time (’tis not refuted)Scores of Wills have been disputed.

Ah! legal quibbles such as theseMean Lawyers waxing rich on fees.

Harold 1066HAROLD last of the Saxon lineAt Hastings made an effort fine

And lost his life—it was to be,Crushed by the men of Normandy.

From Scandinavia they’d come,And made fair Normandy their home;

William theConquerer1066–1087Whence William spying out our shore,Oliver-Twist-like, wanted more.

In ten-six-six he won the dayIn that tough fight out Hastings way.

Of course, no record in our reach,Depicts ‘ole Bill’ thus on the beach.

GOODE NYGHTEWilliam theConquerer1066–1087BUT one thing’s certain. Camera men,If only they’d existed then,Would have journeyed many a mileTo ‘snap’ King William’s happy smile.They made him King and schoolbooks sayHe ruled with arbitrary sway;Demanding with sharp battle axesInstant payment of big taxes.CurfewAnd p’raps it’s just as well to tellHe introduced the Curfew Bell;So at the early hour of eightEach doused his glim, raked out his grate.In bed at eight P.M. each dayLife was but sombre, dull and grey;No cutting fancy ball room capers,No Cinemas or evening papers.He was a bully it is true,But to allow him his just dueHe made reforms; he also tookIn hand the bulky Doomsday book.IN William’s time we’re glad to writePeople began to be polite;Ladies curtseyed to their beaux,Who smartly raised their gay chapeaux.The JewsThe Jews he introduced from SpainBringing much knowledge in their trainOf Arts and Science; but ‘Longshanks’Expelled them with no word of thanks.FeudalismThese were the well known Feudal days,Tenants were slaves in many waysTo mighty Lords who owned the landAnd ruled them with an iron hand.Not free from duties were the Lords,The King could call upon their swordsAnd men to fight in time of need.So feudal laws of old decreed.William Rufus1087–1100WILLIAM Rufus or the ‘Red’In ten-eight-seven ruled instead;This may be; but we know, alack,Though he was red his deeds were black.Crusades 1095The first Crusade in ten-nine-five,A million men, a very hive,Swarm to the East, the Holy plainFrom the Mohammedans to gain.Henry I.1100–1135HENRY the First, of wisdom rife,Saxon Matilda makes his wife,Saxon and Norman line uniting,A learned chap who loved not fighting.Stephen1135–1154STEPHEN of Blois ascends the throneAnd ’gainst Matilda holds his own;Grandson of the Conqueror;Died in eleven-fifty-four.Henry II.1154–1189HENRY the Second claims our rhyme‘The hardest worker of his time’;A wiser King we never hadNor father with his sons so bad.BecketThis the first ‘Plantagenet’ KingWith Becket strove like anything;Church v. CrownWhich should be Master, Church or CrownPull-King Pull-Bishop; both went down.Thomas was murdered by four KnightsOn steps of Altar—Sorry wights:With bleeding feet the King atonesBy pilgrimage to Becket’s bones.Despite his struggles with the ChurchHe knocked the barons off their perch,Fifteen hundred Castles razingIn a manner quite amazing.LawTrial by jury further grows;The King’s Court in this reign arose;Our Parliaments from this proceedAnd all our other Courts indeed.LinenLinen’s first used in twelve-fiveWoollens alone in vogue before.Glass WindowsIn eleven-eight-nought first came to passThe novelty of window glass.And doubtless playful little boysFull of children’s simple joys,Cracked as our youngsters often doWith stones or ball a pane or two.Richard Cœur de Lion1189–1199Cœur de Lion from one CrusadeReturning was a prisoner made.But Blondel played an Air he knew,The King joined in; Voilà the clue.This catchy tune in a pleasant keyOpened the door to liberty.

GOODE NYGHTE

GOODE NYGHTE

William theConquerer1066–1087BUT one thing’s certain. Camera men,If only they’d existed then,

Would have journeyed many a mileTo ‘snap’ King William’s happy smile.

They made him King and schoolbooks sayHe ruled with arbitrary sway;

Demanding with sharp battle axesInstant payment of big taxes.

CurfewAnd p’raps it’s just as well to tellHe introduced the Curfew Bell;

So at the early hour of eightEach doused his glim, raked out his grate.

In bed at eight P.M. each dayLife was but sombre, dull and grey;

No cutting fancy ball room capers,No Cinemas or evening papers.

He was a bully it is true,But to allow him his just due

He made reforms; he also tookIn hand the bulky Doomsday book.

IN William’s time we’re glad to writePeople began to be polite;

Ladies curtseyed to their beaux,Who smartly raised their gay chapeaux.

The JewsThe Jews he introduced from SpainBringing much knowledge in their train

Of Arts and Science; but ‘Longshanks’Expelled them with no word of thanks.

FeudalismThese were the well known Feudal days,Tenants were slaves in many ways

To mighty Lords who owned the landAnd ruled them with an iron hand.

Not free from duties were the Lords,The King could call upon their swords

And men to fight in time of need.So feudal laws of old decreed.

William Rufus1087–1100WILLIAM Rufus or the ‘Red’In ten-eight-seven ruled instead;

This may be; but we know, alack,Though he was red his deeds were black.

Crusades 1095The first Crusade in ten-nine-five,A million men, a very hive,

Swarm to the East, the Holy plainFrom the Mohammedans to gain.

Henry I.1100–1135HENRY the First, of wisdom rife,Saxon Matilda makes his wife,

Saxon and Norman line uniting,A learned chap who loved not fighting.

Stephen1135–1154STEPHEN of Blois ascends the throneAnd ’gainst Matilda holds his own;

Grandson of the Conqueror;Died in eleven-fifty-four.

Henry II.1154–1189HENRY the Second claims our rhyme‘The hardest worker of his time’;

A wiser King we never hadNor father with his sons so bad.

BecketThis the first ‘Plantagenet’ KingWith Becket strove like anything;

Church v. CrownWhich should be Master, Church or CrownPull-King Pull-Bishop; both went down.

Thomas was murdered by four KnightsOn steps of Altar—Sorry wights:

With bleeding feet the King atonesBy pilgrimage to Becket’s bones.

Despite his struggles with the ChurchHe knocked the barons off their perch,

Fifteen hundred Castles razingIn a manner quite amazing.

LawTrial by jury further grows;The King’s Court in this reign arose;

Our Parliaments from this proceedAnd all our other Courts indeed.

LinenLinen’s first used in twelve-fiveWoollens alone in vogue before.

Glass WindowsIn eleven-eight-nought first came to passThe novelty of window glass.

And doubtless playful little boysFull of children’s simple joys,

Cracked as our youngsters often doWith stones or ball a pane or two.

Richard Cœur de Lion1189–1199Cœur de Lion from one CrusadeReturning was a prisoner made.

But Blondel played an Air he knew,The King joined in; Voilà the clue.

This catchy tune in a pleasant keyOpened the door to liberty.

IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicJohn1199–1216AND so we’ll quickly journey onUntil we reach the reign of John;A King whose list of crimes was heavy;He treated badly his young ‘Nevvy’.Magna Charta 1215He signed the Magna Charta. Yes;In twelve-fifteen, but we may guessWith much ill grace and many a twist;For King John wrote an awful fist.John loses Normandy to FranceAnd by this beneficial chanceIn England comes amalgamation;Normans and Saxons form one NationRobin HoodAnd now we come to Robin Hood,The Forest bandit of Sherwood,A popular hero much belaudedBut not by folks whom he’d defrauded.There’s no need to descant uponHis boon companion ‘Little John’;Or ‘Friar Tuck’ so overblownHe tipped the scale at fifteen stone.Henry III.1216–1272AND what of Henry number Three,The King who suffered poverty?It’s very awkward we must ownTo be ‘hard up’ when on a Throne;IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicTo have to scrape up an amountTo pay the butcher on account,Or ask a dun in Kingly wayTo kindly call some other day.Coinage 1257In twelve-five-seven it is statedGold was coined and circulated,Ha’pence and farthings just before;In those times worth a great deal more.Langton Died 1228The Bible which from over seasHad no chapters and no versesWas by Archbishop Langton’s skillDivided as we use it still.IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicWhy was it Henry III. allowedAt court a huge rapacious crowdTo drain his coffers nearly dryFlattering with cajolery?

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

John1199–1216AND so we’ll quickly journey onUntil we reach the reign of John;

A King whose list of crimes was heavy;He treated badly his young ‘Nevvy’.

Magna Charta 1215He signed the Magna Charta. Yes;In twelve-fifteen, but we may guess

With much ill grace and many a twist;For King John wrote an awful fist.

John loses Normandy to FranceAnd by this beneficial chance

In England comes amalgamation;Normans and Saxons form one Nation

Robin HoodAnd now we come to Robin Hood,The Forest bandit of Sherwood,

A popular hero much belaudedBut not by folks whom he’d defrauded.

There’s no need to descant uponHis boon companion ‘Little John’;

Or ‘Friar Tuck’ so overblownHe tipped the scale at fifteen stone.

Henry III.1216–1272AND what of Henry number Three,The King who suffered poverty?

It’s very awkward we must ownTo be ‘hard up’ when on a Throne;

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

To have to scrape up an amountTo pay the butcher on account,

Or ask a dun in Kingly wayTo kindly call some other day.

Coinage 1257In twelve-five-seven it is statedGold was coined and circulated,

Ha’pence and farthings just before;In those times worth a great deal more.

Langton Died 1228The Bible which from over seasHad no chapters and no verses

Was by Archbishop Langton’s skillDivided as we use it still.

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

Why was it Henry III. allowedAt court a huge rapacious crowd

To drain his coffers nearly dryFlattering with cajolery?

AstrologyMANY simple folk, (it’s queer)Used to patronise the seerAnd pay cash down for magic spellPerchance a Horoscope as well.Or open wide at special rateThat musty tome the Book of Fate;Or seek the Philtre’s subtle aidTo win the hand of some fair maid.Wemus’ntmiss the TroubadoursWho went forth on their singing tours,Twanging harps and trilling laysTo maids of medieval days.And Oh! the right good merry timesWith Maskers, Mummers and the Mimes,Hobby horses gaily prancing,Bats and Bowls and Maypole dancing.When folks would take a lengthy journeyTo see the Knights at Joust or Tourney:Or watch the early English ‘Knuts’Show their skill at Archery butts.Then come gloomy History pagesOn torture of the Middle ages;The clanking fetters grim and black,The thumbscrew and the awful rack,The horrors of the dungeon deepBeneath the moat or castle keep,Rusty locks and heavy keysAnd—let us change the subject, please.First House of Commons twelve-six-five,At Westminster they all arrive.Simon de Montfort 1265Simon de Montfort was the manWho ‘engineered’ this useful plan.And we can picture these M.P.sNewly fledged and ill at easeDoing their level best to tryTo catch the embryo speaker’s eye.IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicEdward I.1272–1307EDWARD First ‘Longshanks’ nicknamedFor his lengthy stride far-famed.Here he is in twelve-seven-twoBounding along with much ado.A Soldier, Statesman and a KingHis lofty ideals picturingThat England, Scotland, Wales all three,United should one country be.IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicFirst Prince of Wales 1282In twelve-eight-two annexes Wales;Where afterwards no strife prevails.He promised a Prince with EnglishSo gave his new-born speechless son.

AstrologyMANY simple folk, (it’s queer)Used to patronise the seer

And pay cash down for magic spellPerchance a Horoscope as well.

Or open wide at special rateThat musty tome the Book of Fate;

Or seek the Philtre’s subtle aidTo win the hand of some fair maid.

Wemus’ntmiss the TroubadoursWho went forth on their singing tours,

Twanging harps and trilling laysTo maids of medieval days.

And Oh! the right good merry timesWith Maskers, Mummers and the Mimes,

Hobby horses gaily prancing,Bats and Bowls and Maypole dancing.

When folks would take a lengthy journeyTo see the Knights at Joust or Tourney:

Or watch the early English ‘Knuts’Show their skill at Archery butts.

Then come gloomy History pagesOn torture of the Middle ages;

The clanking fetters grim and black,The thumbscrew and the awful rack,

The horrors of the dungeon deepBeneath the moat or castle keep,

Rusty locks and heavy keysAnd—let us change the subject, please.

First House of Commons twelve-six-five,At Westminster they all arrive.

Simon de Montfort 1265Simon de Montfort was the manWho ‘engineered’ this useful plan.

And we can picture these M.P.sNewly fledged and ill at ease

Doing their level best to tryTo catch the embryo speaker’s eye.

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

Edward I.1272–1307EDWARD First ‘Longshanks’ nicknamedFor his lengthy stride far-famed.

Here he is in twelve-seven-twoBounding along with much ado.

A Soldier, Statesman and a KingHis lofty ideals picturing

That England, Scotland, Wales all three,United should one country be.

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

First Prince of Wales 1282In twelve-eight-two annexes Wales;Where afterwards no strife prevails.

He promised a Prince with EnglishSo gave his new-born speechless son.

IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicEdward I.1272–1307(continued)NEXT Scotland Edward tries to tackleNo easy task the Scotch to shackle;Wallace and Bruce resistance make,The King dies ere he gains the stake.In Edward’s reign some author writesThey first used candle dips for lights;And coal came in about this dateMixed (as to-day) with lots of slate.IRON JELLOIDSSo Monarchs, Barons, Dukes and KnightsWarmed their toes with Derby Brights;But those in hovels had the smutsArising from cheap Kitchen Nuts.Roger Bacon 1293Roger Bacon (ob. twelve-nine-three)Versed was in arts of alchemy;Gunpowder’s composition knew;And many another chemic brew.Many Mortmain Acts are passed;Six centuries these efforts lastTo stop the hungry HierarchyDevouring all the Squirearchy.Lollards 1307Lollards in thirteen-seven arosePopish rituals to oppose;John Wycliffe gives to old and youngThe Bible in the vulgar tongue.With John of Gaunt’s protection strongHe dared to preach ’gainst cleric wrong;Precursor of the ReformationTo liberal thought attuned the nation.Edward II.1307–1327EDWARD the Second with his minionsGoverns badly these dominionsEdward III.1327–1377His son a man of different mouldWas Edward Three, both wise and bold.Through clinging to their French domainsOur Kings are French through many reignsAnd Edward fighting in this causeCommenced a hundred years of Wars.A century’s struggle. For our painsOnly Calais town remains.French WarsA century after this ’twas lost,In Mary’s reign. Oh! what a frost.Weaving 1331In thirteen-three-one England’s taughtWeaving by men from Flanders brought.Ryghte goode cloth with lots of ‘body’The world was then not up to ‘shoddy.’Blanket of Bristol in this yearInvented blankets for our cheer;And since that time its been our boastOur beds have been as warm as toast.Edward ‘Black Prince’ One-three-four-six,A brave and noble warrior, ‘licks’Crecy 1346The valiant French in Crecy’s fray;Cannon first used upon this day,Causing panic with their rattle;But the Yeomen win the battle,For, flicking arrows from their bowsThey ‘filled the air as when it snows.’Thereon the English Calais seizeAnd of the channel hold the keys;The Spanish pirates bend the kneeThen Edward III’s ‘King of the sea.’Parliament 1376Lords and Commons from this dateHave their meetings separate,The Commons first a Speaker makeThe Chancellors the Woolsack take.Ten lady members have the LordsBut doubtless fearful of their words,Or thinking it not orthodoxy,They only let them vote by proxy.While Church and Barons have their squabblesThe House of Commons more power nobbles;On laws and taxes dares speak outAnd give the Pope the right-about.

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

Edward I.1272–1307(continued)NEXT Scotland Edward tries to tackleNo easy task the Scotch to shackle;

Wallace and Bruce resistance make,The King dies ere he gains the stake.

In Edward’s reign some author writesThey first used candle dips for lights;

And coal came in about this dateMixed (as to-day) with lots of slate.

IRON JELLOIDS

IRON JELLOIDS

So Monarchs, Barons, Dukes and KnightsWarmed their toes with Derby Brights;

But those in hovels had the smutsArising from cheap Kitchen Nuts.

Roger Bacon 1293Roger Bacon (ob. twelve-nine-three)Versed was in arts of alchemy;

Gunpowder’s composition knew;And many another chemic brew.

Many Mortmain Acts are passed;Six centuries these efforts last

To stop the hungry HierarchyDevouring all the Squirearchy.

Lollards 1307Lollards in thirteen-seven arosePopish rituals to oppose;

John Wycliffe gives to old and youngThe Bible in the vulgar tongue.

With John of Gaunt’s protection strongHe dared to preach ’gainst cleric wrong;

Precursor of the ReformationTo liberal thought attuned the nation.

Edward II.1307–1327EDWARD the Second with his minionsGoverns badly these dominions

Edward III.1327–1377His son a man of different mouldWas Edward Three, both wise and bold.

Through clinging to their French domainsOur Kings are French through many reigns

And Edward fighting in this causeCommenced a hundred years of Wars.

A century’s struggle. For our painsOnly Calais town remains.

French WarsA century after this ’twas lost,In Mary’s reign. Oh! what a frost.

Weaving 1331In thirteen-three-one England’s taughtWeaving by men from Flanders brought.

Ryghte goode cloth with lots of ‘body’The world was then not up to ‘shoddy.’

Blanket of Bristol in this yearInvented blankets for our cheer;

And since that time its been our boastOur beds have been as warm as toast.

Edward ‘Black Prince’ One-three-four-six,A brave and noble warrior, ‘licks’

Crecy 1346The valiant French in Crecy’s fray;Cannon first used upon this day,

Causing panic with their rattle;But the Yeomen win the battle,

For, flicking arrows from their bowsThey ‘filled the air as when it snows.’

Thereon the English Calais seizeAnd of the channel hold the keys;

The Spanish pirates bend the kneeThen Edward III’s ‘King of the sea.’

Parliament 1376Lords and Commons from this dateHave their meetings separate,

The Commons first a Speaker makeThe Chancellors the Woolsack take.

Ten lady members have the LordsBut doubtless fearful of their words,

Or thinking it not orthodoxy,They only let them vote by proxy.

While Church and Barons have their squabblesThe House of Commons more power nobbles;

On laws and taxes dares speak outAnd give the Pope the right-about.

Kinge Rychard Ye II quarrelinge withe hysse PeopleLeasingLEASING or Farming, we are taught,Was introduced ’bout twelve-nought-nought;The Feudal system’s weakened andThe Tenants ‘usufruct’ the land.On various counts the serfs go freeAnd work for wages (Edward Three).The Black Death and the foreign warsIn labour ranks commotion cause;Strikes and craftsmen’s combinationThen arise among the nation;These movements preached by one John Ball,Who, born too soon, was hanged withal.Richard II.1377–1399NOW comes the Second Richard’s reign.It is recorded very plainThat he was full of discontentQuarrelling with his Parliament.“By my Halidom I’ll not pay it”Poll Tax 1380With his taxes super-satedThe peasants grew exasperated;They threw their spades and pitchforks downAnd marched as rebels into town.Thirteen-eighty’s Poll taxationPuts equal tax on all the nation;Lays seven thousand peasants dead;Wat Tyler and Jack Straw at head.PræmunirePræmunire Act is passedTo check the Papal Bulls at last.ChaucerChaucer the Poet this same yearMakes Pilgrimage to Becket’s bier.FORTES FORTUNA JUVAT.Age of ChivalryThis was the age, aye verily,Of ryghte goode noble chivalry,When Knights went forth through storm and stressTo rescue beauty in distress.

Kinge Rychard Ye II quarrelinge withe hysse People

Kinge Rychard Ye II quarrelinge withe hysse People

LeasingLEASING or Farming, we are taught,Was introduced ’bout twelve-nought-nought;

The Feudal system’s weakened andThe Tenants ‘usufruct’ the land.

On various counts the serfs go freeAnd work for wages (Edward Three).

The Black Death and the foreign warsIn labour ranks commotion cause;

Strikes and craftsmen’s combinationThen arise among the nation;

These movements preached by one John Ball,Who, born too soon, was hanged withal.

Richard II.1377–1399NOW comes the Second Richard’s reign.It is recorded very plain

That he was full of discontentQuarrelling with his Parliament.

“By my Halidom I’ll not pay it”

“By my Halidom I’ll not pay it”

Poll Tax 1380With his taxes super-satedThe peasants grew exasperated;

They threw their spades and pitchforks downAnd marched as rebels into town.

Thirteen-eighty’s Poll taxationPuts equal tax on all the nation;

Lays seven thousand peasants dead;Wat Tyler and Jack Straw at head.

PræmunirePræmunire Act is passedTo check the Papal Bulls at last.

ChaucerChaucer the Poet this same yearMakes Pilgrimage to Becket’s bier.

FORTES FORTUNA JUVAT.

FORTES FORTUNA JUVAT.

Age of ChivalryThis was the age, aye verily,Of ryghte goode noble chivalry,

When Knights went forth through storm and stressTo rescue beauty in distress.

IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicOr sallied out in valiant wayA monster dragon for to slay,Or with lance or trusty bladeDefend from harm the hapless maid.Henry IV.1399–1413HENRY Four, called ‘Bolingbroke’In Richard’s wheel puts many a spoke;Compels him to resign the throneWhich thereupon he makes his own.Through John of Gaunt, Lancastrian famed,His title to the crown he claimed;The Parliament confirms his rightAnd thus he’s king without a fight.Lollards 1401In this reign persecution’s turnedAgainst the Lollards—Cobham’s burned.Incredible! The records showA statute ‘de Comburondo.’Henry V.1413–1422FROM fourteen-thirteen, Henry Five,For many years with France did strive;His Widow founds the Tudor HouseBy taking Owen for her spouse.Henry VI.1422–1461HENRY Six, next in our rhymes,For fifty years had troublous times;Wars of Roses, Wars with France,The poor man never had a chance.Joan of Arc 1430Joan of Arc the peasant MaidInspired the French with Mystic aid;Disunited, we make peace,All France but Calais we release.Constantinople 1453Constantinople’s seized by TurksCausing Greek Scholars (with their works)To fly to Italy; and thenceLearning’s reborn—‘The Renaissance.’Edward IV.1461–1483IN Edward Fourth, fourteen-six-oneThe House of York obtains the Throne.He wins at Towton’s bloody fray,No quarter given on that day.Guy, Earl of Warwick in these fraysWas always turning different ways;Barnet 1471On Barnet Field he met his doomThe Rose of York’s now well abloom.The Barons, Church and Commons fall,The King emerges Boss of all.Benevolences he exacts,An early form of Super Tax.Earl of Warwick‘Kingmaker’ was Earl Warwick styledWith his manner scarcely mildHe set Kings up and bowled them downPlaying at ninepins with the Crown.IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicWars of Roses 1485White and Red Rose warring madlyBled the country very sadly,Three-and-thirty years contending;At Bosworth Field we see the ending.Printing 1473First in fourteen-seventy-threeWe print from type in this Countree.Now it is that time’s first measuredBy monster watches greatly treasured.Thomas Parr this centurieHis hundred-fifty years did see;But Henry Jenkins, so ’tis said,In age was seventeen years ahead.Hoary patriarchs were theseRetaining p’raps their faculties;What a comfort ’tis to mentionNeither drew the old age pension.

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

Or sallied out in valiant wayA monster dragon for to slay,

Or with lance or trusty bladeDefend from harm the hapless maid.

Henry IV.1399–1413HENRY Four, called ‘Bolingbroke’In Richard’s wheel puts many a spoke;

Compels him to resign the throneWhich thereupon he makes his own.

Through John of Gaunt, Lancastrian famed,His title to the crown he claimed;

The Parliament confirms his rightAnd thus he’s king without a fight.

Lollards 1401In this reign persecution’s turnedAgainst the Lollards—Cobham’s burned.

Incredible! The records showA statute ‘de Comburondo.’

Henry V.1413–1422FROM fourteen-thirteen, Henry Five,For many years with France did strive;

His Widow founds the Tudor HouseBy taking Owen for her spouse.

Henry VI.1422–1461HENRY Six, next in our rhymes,For fifty years had troublous times;

Wars of Roses, Wars with France,The poor man never had a chance.

Joan of Arc 1430Joan of Arc the peasant MaidInspired the French with Mystic aid;

Disunited, we make peace,All France but Calais we release.

Constantinople 1453Constantinople’s seized by TurksCausing Greek Scholars (with their works)

To fly to Italy; and thenceLearning’s reborn—‘The Renaissance.’

Edward IV.1461–1483IN Edward Fourth, fourteen-six-oneThe House of York obtains the Throne.

He wins at Towton’s bloody fray,No quarter given on that day.

Guy, Earl of Warwick in these fraysWas always turning different ways;

Barnet 1471On Barnet Field he met his doomThe Rose of York’s now well abloom.

The Barons, Church and Commons fall,The King emerges Boss of all.

Benevolences he exacts,An early form of Super Tax.

Earl of Warwick‘Kingmaker’ was Earl Warwick styledWith his manner scarcely mild

He set Kings up and bowled them downPlaying at ninepins with the Crown.

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

Wars of Roses 1485White and Red Rose warring madlyBled the country very sadly,

Three-and-thirty years contending;At Bosworth Field we see the ending.

Printing 1473First in fourteen-seventy-threeWe print from type in this Countree.

Now it is that time’s first measuredBy monster watches greatly treasured.

Thomas Parr this centurieHis hundred-fifty years did see;

But Henry Jenkins, so ’tis said,In age was seventeen years ahead.

Hoary patriarchs were theseRetaining p’raps their faculties;

What a comfort ’tis to mentionNeither drew the old age pension.

Ye Bookeworme burninge ye Midnyghte OilePRINTING started through the NationA taste for higher education;Here is a citizen at home;Note his very brainy Dome.Richard III.1483–1485RICHARD (Crookback) in fateful hourSmothered his nephews in the Tower,He murdered them the Crown to gain;A heavy price for three years’ reign.The Scutcheon’s blotted terriblyOf this King Richard number Three,For it seems his recreationWas ordering decapitation.1485On Bosworth Field when sorely pressedHe made a bid th’uncommonest‘My kingdom for a horse’ he cried;No offers coming, there he died.Henry VII.1485–1509LANCASTRIAN Richmond wins the fightAnd to make his title rightElizabeth of York espouses,Thus uniting the two Houses.This Henry Seven of Tudor lineTo misers’ habits did incline;Twelve millions stated to possess,A tidy little fortune! Yes!Star ChamberMuch he managed to extortBy means of a Star Chamber CourtFrom the rich nobles; A new wileFor adding to the kingly pile.With cash in hand he could attainHis wish as Autocrat to reign;As sole possessor of the gunsThe King no risk from rebels runs.Skyscrape Flats to be erected here; Buy Hustles chewing gum; Fifth AvenueColumbus 1498COLUMBUS, full of travellers’ lore,By going West sought India’s shore;But found America’s wondrous land;His ‘exes’ paid by Ferdinand.Of voyagers we’ve now a lotVascodaGama and Cabot,Who sailed from Bristol, whence it grewBristolians claim this fine cuckoo.Henry VIII Pops the QuestionHenry VIII.1509–1547NOW Henry Eight comes on the screen,A stalwart youth, ætat. eighteen;With youthful hope the nation’s buoyed;Only, alas! to be destroyed.

Ye Bookeworme burninge ye Midnyghte Oile

Ye Bookeworme burninge ye Midnyghte Oile

PRINTING started through the NationA taste for higher education;

Here is a citizen at home;Note his very brainy Dome.

Richard III.1483–1485RICHARD (Crookback) in fateful hourSmothered his nephews in the Tower,

He murdered them the Crown to gain;A heavy price for three years’ reign.

The Scutcheon’s blotted terriblyOf this King Richard number Three,

For it seems his recreationWas ordering decapitation.

1485On Bosworth Field when sorely pressedHe made a bid th’uncommonest

‘My kingdom for a horse’ he cried;No offers coming, there he died.

Henry VII.1485–1509LANCASTRIAN Richmond wins the fightAnd to make his title right

Elizabeth of York espouses,Thus uniting the two Houses.

This Henry Seven of Tudor lineTo misers’ habits did incline;

Twelve millions stated to possess,A tidy little fortune! Yes!

Star ChamberMuch he managed to extortBy means of a Star Chamber Court

From the rich nobles; A new wileFor adding to the kingly pile.

With cash in hand he could attainHis wish as Autocrat to reign;

As sole possessor of the gunsThe King no risk from rebels runs.

Skyscrape Flats to be erected here; Buy Hustles chewing gum; Fifth Avenue

Skyscrape Flats to be erected here; Buy Hustles chewing gum; Fifth Avenue

Columbus 1498COLUMBUS, full of travellers’ lore,By going West sought India’s shore;

But found America’s wondrous land;His ‘exes’ paid by Ferdinand.

Of voyagers we’ve now a lotVascodaGama and Cabot,

Who sailed from Bristol, whence it grewBristolians claim this fine cuckoo.

Henry VIII Pops the Question

Henry VIII Pops the Question

Henry VIII.1509–1547NOW Henry Eight comes on the screen,A stalwart youth, ætat. eighteen;

With youthful hope the nation’s buoyed;Only, alas! to be destroyed.

Henry Ye Eighth Thynkynge offe Ye PastHenry VIII.1509–1547(continued)THIS King Henry number EightSix times tried the married state;And certainly of all the KingsSpent the most on wedding rings.But to search through old ArchivesFor tales of Henry and his wivesAnd all their little tiffs to traceWe cannot spare the time or space.Yet there are some who fain would singThe praises of this rotund King;But as a husband we’re afraidHis category’s lowest grade.He wielded harsh the despot’s power,And packed his wives off to the Tower;Consigned them to a fate most dreaded;Two, alas! he had beheaded.

Henry Ye Eighth Thynkynge offe Ye Past

Henry Ye Eighth Thynkynge offe Ye Past

Henry VIII.1509–1547(continued)THIS King Henry number EightSix times tried the married state;

And certainly of all the KingsSpent the most on wedding rings.

But to search through old ArchivesFor tales of Henry and his wives

And all their little tiffs to traceWe cannot spare the time or space.

Yet there are some who fain would singThe praises of this rotund King;

But as a husband we’re afraidHis category’s lowest grade.

He wielded harsh the despot’s power,And packed his wives off to the Tower;

Consigned them to a fate most dreaded;Two, alas! he had beheaded.

IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicHAIL NOW TO THEE OUR GOOD QUEEN BESS!Henry VIII. (continued)Reformation 1517MARTIN Luther, fifteen-one-seven,Sows his Reformation leaven;It finds a culture medium hereIn the ‘New Learning’s’ atmosphere.Of this New Learning More’s the chief,Utopia’s Author, He’s ’mid griefBeheaded, saying cool and calm,‘Cut not my beard, that’s done no harm.’His friend Erasmus, Logic’s Master,Trimmed his sails and ’scaped disaster.A third, Dean Colet who St. Paul’sSchool London into being calls.Wolsey 1530In fifteen-thirty Wolsey great,A Cardinal and Man of State,From Butcher’s son had risen high.Reader! consult your Shakespeare nigh.Blamed by some; by others praised;He fell; but still the pile he raisedMost nobly graces Hampton Court.Give Wolsey then a tender thought.His main ambition that the KingShould be supreme in everything;Thomas CromwellAnd Thomas Cromwell followed suitTo make his master absoluteHead of the Church within his realm.These two most able at the helm;But not with skill enough enduedTo ’scape their King’s ingratitude.Despotical the King’s power grew.He’s England’s Pope by Act of Su-Premacy; as, to gain divorce,The foreign Pope is banned perforce.1537Now Bluff King Harry gives the MonksA series of most awful funks;Three thousand odd of their domainsHe ‘collars’ for his Courtiers’ gains.Edward VI.1547–1553EDWARD Six to the throne succeedsA pious youth of goodly deeds;One, well known in the Capital,The Blue Coat School (Christ’s Hospital).Mary1553–1558QUEEN Mary One, in Smithfield Square,At Oxford, Gloucester and elsewhere,Burned poor Martyrs by the score;The Romish faith she would restore.Elizabeth1558–1603HAIL now to thee our good Queen Bess,Garbed in the puffed and padded dress,Farthingale and starched up frills,Meaning heavy laundry bills.Od’s Bodikins; what monstrous ruffs,What gowns of rich embroidered stuffsPiped and scolloped, trimmed with furs,And shaped like huge gasometers.Now we’ve warfare of the Creeds,For their thoughts all Europe bleeds;Each party seeks by force to makeThe other side its faith forsake.Spain the Great Power of those daysIn these contentions first part plays.Plymouth Hoe Bowling ClubDrakeDrake at bowls on Plymouth HoeLeft his game to meet this foeAnd came home laden we are toldWith seachests full of Spanish gold.Armada 1588In fifteen-eight-eight Armada strongFrom Spain to squash us comes along;Which Howard, Frobisher and DrakeAnd stormy weather overtake.

IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicHAIL NOW TO THEE OUR GOOD QUEEN BESS!Henry VIII. (continued)

IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicHAIL NOW TO THEE OUR GOOD QUEEN BESS!Henry VIII. (continued)

Reformation 1517MARTIN Luther, fifteen-one-seven,Sows his Reformation leaven;

It finds a culture medium hereIn the ‘New Learning’s’ atmosphere.

Of this New Learning More’s the chief,Utopia’s Author, He’s ’mid grief

Beheaded, saying cool and calm,‘Cut not my beard, that’s done no harm.’

His friend Erasmus, Logic’s Master,Trimmed his sails and ’scaped disaster.

A third, Dean Colet who St. Paul’sSchool London into being calls.

Wolsey 1530In fifteen-thirty Wolsey great,A Cardinal and Man of State,

From Butcher’s son had risen high.Reader! consult your Shakespeare nigh.

Blamed by some; by others praised;He fell; but still the pile he raised

Most nobly graces Hampton Court.Give Wolsey then a tender thought.

His main ambition that the KingShould be supreme in everything;

Thomas CromwellAnd Thomas Cromwell followed suitTo make his master absolute

Head of the Church within his realm.These two most able at the helm;

But not with skill enough enduedTo ’scape their King’s ingratitude.

Despotical the King’s power grew.He’s England’s Pope by Act of Su-

Premacy; as, to gain divorce,The foreign Pope is banned perforce.

1537Now Bluff King Harry gives the MonksA series of most awful funks;

Three thousand odd of their domainsHe ‘collars’ for his Courtiers’ gains.

Edward VI.1547–1553EDWARD Six to the throne succeedsA pious youth of goodly deeds;

One, well known in the Capital,The Blue Coat School (Christ’s Hospital).

Mary1553–1558QUEEN Mary One, in Smithfield Square,At Oxford, Gloucester and elsewhere,

Burned poor Martyrs by the score;The Romish faith she would restore.

Elizabeth1558–1603HAIL now to thee our good Queen Bess,Garbed in the puffed and padded dress,

Farthingale and starched up frills,Meaning heavy laundry bills.

Od’s Bodikins; what monstrous ruffs,What gowns of rich embroidered stuffs

Piped and scolloped, trimmed with furs,And shaped like huge gasometers.

Now we’ve warfare of the Creeds,For their thoughts all Europe bleeds;

Each party seeks by force to makeThe other side its faith forsake.

Spain the Great Power of those daysIn these contentions first part plays.

Plymouth Hoe Bowling Club

Plymouth Hoe Bowling Club

DrakeDrake at bowls on Plymouth HoeLeft his game to meet this foe

And came home laden we are toldWith seachests full of Spanish gold.

Armada 1588In fifteen-eight-eight Armada strongFrom Spain to squash us comes along;

Which Howard, Frobisher and DrakeAnd stormy weather overtake.

GLOBE THEATRE TONYGHTE Ye Tragedye offe Hamlette by William ShakspereShakespeare1564–1616AND in these epoch making daysShakespeare wrote and staged his plays;Weaving a thread whose magic strandsEntwine all English-speaking lands.Fifteen-eight-seven Scots’ Queen MaryLost her head through fate contrary.When Henry Eight had robbed the Church’Twas found the poor were in the lurch;Poor LawA law was passed about this dateTo place the poor upon the rate.IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicSir Walter Raleigh1552–1618SIR Walter Raleigh, best of Knights,The first to taste the keen delightsOf the enchantress so serene,The Ryghte Goode Ladye Nicotine.No information’s yet to handConcerning Raleigh’s favourite brand;TobaccoWas it coarse-cut shag which burnsThe tongue, or birdseye or returns?Queen ElizabethGood Queen Bess we understandHad crowds of suitors for her hand;And here we beg to give a viewOf suitors waiting in a queue.

GLOBE THEATRE TONYGHTE Ye Tragedye offe Hamlette by William Shakspere

GLOBE THEATRE TONYGHTE Ye Tragedye offe Hamlette by William Shakspere

Shakespeare1564–1616AND in these epoch making daysShakespeare wrote and staged his plays;

Weaving a thread whose magic strandsEntwine all English-speaking lands.

Fifteen-eight-seven Scots’ Queen MaryLost her head through fate contrary.

When Henry Eight had robbed the Church’Twas found the poor were in the lurch;

Poor LawA law was passed about this dateTo place the poor upon the rate.

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

Sir Walter Raleigh1552–1618SIR Walter Raleigh, best of Knights,The first to taste the keen delights

Of the enchantress so serene,The Ryghte Goode Ladye Nicotine.

No information’s yet to handConcerning Raleigh’s favourite brand;

TobaccoWas it coarse-cut shag which burnsThe tongue, or birdseye or returns?

Queen ElizabethGood Queen Bess we understandHad crowds of suitors for her hand;

And here we beg to give a viewOf suitors waiting in a queue.

IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicQueen Elizabeth (continued)AS time rolled on this Good Queen BessLost somewhat of her sprightliness;She got into a nervous stateWas mopish and disconsolate.Now, as everyone will own,Had ‘Iron Jelloids’ been but knownIn Bess’s time; why, it’s conceded’Twas just the Tonic that she needed.East India Company 1600The great ‘John Comp’ny’ now beganItsfine career without a plan.Great! The Elizabethan Age.In History’s book a glorious page.Somewhere or other we’ve heard snuffCame in the days of frill and ruff;And here’s a noble ill at easeGiving the first recorded sneeze.James I.1603–1625JAMES Six of Scotland, miscalled a ‘fule’As James One of England comes to rule.Gramercy! ’tis a canny thingTo be a ‘double-barrelled’ King.The son of Mary Queen of ScotsOf learning he had lots and lots,Writing sundry ponderous books’Gainst ’bacca, witches and their spooks.James thought his kingly power divineAnd, loathing Puritanic ‘whine,’He vowed to make them all complyOr else he’d ‘know the reason why.’Pilgrim Fathers 1620His persecution to escapeSome Zealots in the ‘Mayflower’ shapeTheir course for an uncharted worldWhere Freedom’s Flag could be unfurled.These ‘Pilgrim Fathers’ found a state‘New England,’ blessed with happy fate.Folks have called the first King JamesMost uncomplimentary names;To wit ‘a sloven’ and ‘a glutton’;Perhaps his weakness was Scotch Mutton.And as to gluttony, ‘Gadzooks’!If what we read in History booksIs true, they all were trenchermen;There were no diet faddists then.It startles us, one must declare,To read their breakfast bill of fare;All ‘Kynes’ of ale, some highly spicedAnd divers meats, roast, boiled and sliced.In James’ reign a man could getFor money down a coronetAnd titles with the greatest easeLike folks to-day buy soap and cheese.HarveyYet a learned time; for Harvey showsThat blood’s not stagnant, but it flows;Lord Bacon‘Experiment!’ Lord Bacon cries‘There is no progress otherwise.’

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

Queen Elizabeth (continued)AS time rolled on this Good Queen BessLost somewhat of her sprightliness;

She got into a nervous stateWas mopish and disconsolate.

Now, as everyone will own,Had ‘Iron Jelloids’ been but known

In Bess’s time; why, it’s conceded’Twas just the Tonic that she needed.

East India Company 1600The great ‘John Comp’ny’ now beganItsfine career without a plan.

Great! The Elizabethan Age.In History’s book a glorious page.

Somewhere or other we’ve heard snuffCame in the days of frill and ruff;

And here’s a noble ill at easeGiving the first recorded sneeze.

James I.1603–1625JAMES Six of Scotland, miscalled a ‘fule’As James One of England comes to rule.

Gramercy! ’tis a canny thingTo be a ‘double-barrelled’ King.

The son of Mary Queen of ScotsOf learning he had lots and lots,

Writing sundry ponderous books’Gainst ’bacca, witches and their spooks.

James thought his kingly power divineAnd, loathing Puritanic ‘whine,’

He vowed to make them all complyOr else he’d ‘know the reason why.’

Pilgrim Fathers 1620His persecution to escapeSome Zealots in the ‘Mayflower’ shape

Their course for an uncharted worldWhere Freedom’s Flag could be unfurled.

These ‘Pilgrim Fathers’ found a state‘New England,’ blessed with happy fate.

Folks have called the first King JamesMost uncomplimentary names;

To wit ‘a sloven’ and ‘a glutton’;Perhaps his weakness was Scotch Mutton.

And as to gluttony, ‘Gadzooks’!If what we read in History books

Is true, they all were trenchermen;There were no diet faddists then.

It startles us, one must declare,To read their breakfast bill of fare;

All ‘Kynes’ of ale, some highly spicedAnd divers meats, roast, boiled and sliced.

In James’ reign a man could getFor money down a coronet

And titles with the greatest easeLike folks to-day buy soap and cheese.

HarveyYet a learned time; for Harvey showsThat blood’s not stagnant, but it flows;

Lord Bacon‘Experiment!’ Lord Bacon cries‘There is no progress otherwise.’

Model of the notorious Guy Fawkes which however is not considered historically accurate5th November 1605OF troubles James had quite a lot,For instance the Gunpowder Plot.It fizzled out but left to-dayA liking for Firework display.The First CrackerSo rockets with their sweeping curves,Crackers which upset the nervesAnd squibs with their infernal dinTo this date owe their origin.Charles I.1625–1649HIS son Charles One we understandRuled England with a grasping hand;For he was never loth to levyTaxes burdensome and heavy.He moved in an expensive set,Was always heavily in debt;In fact this monarch with his frillsWas snowed up to the neck with bills.He was courtly, graceful, distingué,And when the scaffold came his way‘He nothing common did or meanUpon that memorable scene.’He had a very taking wayAnd made his taxed up subjects pay;And over taxing it is saidThis Monarch fairly lost his head.Petition of Right—1628The ‘Petition of Right’ a famous Act,The Commons from the King exact;Giving the subject on his ownA remedy against the throne.First Newspaper 1621In sixteen-hundred-twenty-oneOur first news-sheet began its run;For twenty years ’twas going strongThen the first Censor came along.This journal cribbing from the DutchLacked the smart journalistic touch;And also photographic views,‘Sporting pars’ and ‘Stop-press News.’The Great Struggle in Charles’ Time. King trying to get money from Taxpayer. Creditor trying to get money from King

Model of the notorious Guy Fawkes which however is not considered historically accurate

Model of the notorious Guy Fawkes which however is not considered historically accurate

5th November 1605OF troubles James had quite a lot,For instance the Gunpowder Plot.

It fizzled out but left to-dayA liking for Firework display.

The First Cracker

The First Cracker

So rockets with their sweeping curves,Crackers which upset the nerves

And squibs with their infernal dinTo this date owe their origin.

Charles I.1625–1649HIS son Charles One we understandRuled England with a grasping hand;

For he was never loth to levyTaxes burdensome and heavy.

He moved in an expensive set,Was always heavily in debt;

In fact this monarch with his frillsWas snowed up to the neck with bills.

He was courtly, graceful, distingué,And when the scaffold came his way

‘He nothing common did or meanUpon that memorable scene.’

He had a very taking wayAnd made his taxed up subjects pay;

And over taxing it is saidThis Monarch fairly lost his head.

Petition of Right—1628The ‘Petition of Right’ a famous Act,The Commons from the King exact;

Giving the subject on his ownA remedy against the throne.

First Newspaper 1621In sixteen-hundred-twenty-oneOur first news-sheet began its run;

For twenty years ’twas going strongThen the first Censor came along.

This journal cribbing from the DutchLacked the smart journalistic touch;

And also photographic views,‘Sporting pars’ and ‘Stop-press News.’

The Great Struggle in Charles’ Time. King trying to get money from Taxpayer. Creditor trying to get money from King

The Great Struggle in Charles’ Time. King trying to get money from Taxpayer. Creditor trying to get money from King

IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicTHAT QUIET MAN, KNOWN AS THE EARLY PURITAN.Cotton 1630COTTON first came from India’s shoreIn sixteen-thirty, less or more;Where for three thousand years it grew,Also in Egypt and Peru.Grim reading is the note confessingGangs went out for Navy pressing,Forcing many a timid knaveTo spend his life on ocean wave.Ship Money 1636Charles raises the ship money tax;He thought he only had to ‘ax’;When Hampden strenuously objected,The King was very much affected.Strafford 1641Earl Strafford (‘Thorough’) in his pride‘The King shall rule the Commons’ cried;The Commons would not brook such stuffAnd cut his head off. ‘Quantum Suff.’The ‘Grand Remonstrance’ is put forthBy the Commons who are wrathWith the King’s despotic waysQuite unsuited to these days.The King tries hard to put in jailFive Members but without avail;Hollis, Strode, Haslerig and PymAnd Hampden (we must mention him);They’re guarded from the Royal handsBy Watermen and City Bands.The ‘die is cast’ and Civil WarFor seven long years the Nation tore.Civil Wars1642–1648CROMWELL greatest of the foemenWith his faithful English Yeomen;These ‘Roundheads’ sober, grim, religiousTo ‘Cavaliers’ gave blows prodigious.Their character’s seen in the cry‘Trust God and keep your powder dry.’Naseby 1645The Cavaliers and Roundheads foughtIn many a field, ’till Naseby broughtTo Generals Cromwell and FairfaxA crowning victory, though not ‘pax.’The King’s beheaded, but the StateExperiences no headless fate;A commonwealth’s forthwith proclaimedAnd Cromwell’s soon Protector named.Dunbar 1650In sixteen-fifty Dunbar seesThe Royal Scots brought to their knees;And in the second Worcester fightCromwell for good asserts his might.Worcester 1651And there are those who love to tellAbout that day at BoscobelWhen Charles the Second’s MajestyeFound itself doubly ‘up a tree.’And now we meet that quiet manKnown as the early Puritan;Mild and placid in his talk,Calm and measured in his walk.“Paint me warts and all”Commonwealth1649–1660Oliver Cromwell bluff and bold,Was cast in Nature’s sternest mould,Lacking maybe the courtly graceAnd proud of warts upon his face.He fought the Irish and the ScotchAnd with his navy beat the DutchLet all his faultscondonédbe,He kept us up on land and sea.

IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicTHAT QUIET MAN, KNOWN AS THE EARLY PURITAN.

IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicTHAT QUIET MAN, KNOWN AS THE EARLY PURITAN.

Cotton 1630COTTON first came from India’s shoreIn sixteen-thirty, less or more;

Where for three thousand years it grew,Also in Egypt and Peru.

Grim reading is the note confessingGangs went out for Navy pressing,

Forcing many a timid knaveTo spend his life on ocean wave.

Ship Money 1636Charles raises the ship money tax;He thought he only had to ‘ax’;

When Hampden strenuously objected,The King was very much affected.

Strafford 1641Earl Strafford (‘Thorough’) in his pride‘The King shall rule the Commons’ cried;

The Commons would not brook such stuffAnd cut his head off. ‘Quantum Suff.’

The ‘Grand Remonstrance’ is put forthBy the Commons who are wrath

With the King’s despotic waysQuite unsuited to these days.

The King tries hard to put in jailFive Members but without avail;

Hollis, Strode, Haslerig and PymAnd Hampden (we must mention him);

They’re guarded from the Royal handsBy Watermen and City Bands.

The ‘die is cast’ and Civil WarFor seven long years the Nation tore.

Civil Wars1642–1648CROMWELL greatest of the foemenWith his faithful English Yeomen;

These ‘Roundheads’ sober, grim, religiousTo ‘Cavaliers’ gave blows prodigious.

Their character’s seen in the cry‘Trust God and keep your powder dry.’

Naseby 1645The Cavaliers and Roundheads foughtIn many a field, ’till Naseby brought

To Generals Cromwell and FairfaxA crowning victory, though not ‘pax.’

The King’s beheaded, but the StateExperiences no headless fate;

A commonwealth’s forthwith proclaimedAnd Cromwell’s soon Protector named.

Dunbar 1650In sixteen-fifty Dunbar seesThe Royal Scots brought to their knees;

And in the second Worcester fightCromwell for good asserts his might.

Worcester 1651And there are those who love to tellAbout that day at Boscobel

When Charles the Second’s MajestyeFound itself doubly ‘up a tree.’

And now we meet that quiet manKnown as the early Puritan;

Mild and placid in his talk,Calm and measured in his walk.

“Paint me warts and all”

“Paint me warts and all”

Commonwealth1649–1660Oliver Cromwell bluff and bold,Was cast in Nature’s sternest mould,

Lacking maybe the courtly graceAnd proud of warts upon his face.

He fought the Irish and the ScotchAnd with his navy beat the Dutch

Let all his faultscondonédbe,He kept us up on land and sea.

“Take away that bauble”Commonwealth (continued)HE seemed to like bold argumentAnd wordy wars with Parliament;He made things lively we inferFrequently at Westminster.IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicWith M.P.s he had many a boutAnd one day cleared the whole lot out;Locked the door and took the key;Those not the days of ‘Wait and See.’Charles II.1660–1685CROMWELL’S death brings RestorationAnd Charles Two lands ’mid acclamation.After his leaps from twig to twigHe now has ‘Otium cum Dig.’In merry Charles the Second’s ageWoman first acted on the stage;The King encouraged much this vogueHe was a pleasure seeking rogue.‘He never said a foolish thing,Nor did a wise one’; this the KingCountered with ‘My words my ownMy acts my ministers’ alone’;1662In sixteen-six-two year of grace,Charles taxed every fire-place;And citizens who couldn’t payShivered and grumbled as to-day.These were the times of MusketeersAnd proud and dashing Cavaliers;When words were few and tempers hotAnd duels fought out on the spot.John BunyanTHE tinker preacher Bunyan wroteThe ‘Pilgrim’s Progress’ we still quote,The prison bars no barrier wroughtTo lowly Bunyan’s lofty thought.Milton 1678In stately language Milton’s museThe Bible story doth diffuse;From ‘Paradise Lost’ we get our viewOf Adam and Eve and Satan too.The Reverend Titus Oates, a scamp,Egregious Popish plots did vamp,Lied roundly for dishonest gains,Got Cat-o’-nine-tails for his pains.Habeas Corpus 1679The ‘Habeas Corpus’ best of lawsShields us from prison without cause;’Twas passed in sixteen-seventy-nine,And means ‘Produce him here,’ in fine.Van TrompAdmiral Van Tromp, Dutchman bold,With broom at masthead, so ’tis told,The Channel sailed, suggesting he’sSwept all the English from the seas.BlakeBut Blake laughed loud and spread his sailsNought the Dutchman now avails;For he got an awful shockerRight to Davy Jones’ locker.But though the Dutch failed to invade,They were not disinclined to trade;So we get ‘Hollands,’ cheese and hamsFresh from the land of Dykes and Dams.Peace of Breda 1667For fifteen years these Navies fought,’Till sixteen-six-seven respite brought;The Peace of Breda then succeeded;New York to England was conceded.PlagueIn sixty-five the Plague appearsAnd then the Fire; two awful yearsFire of London1665–1666For London—And if more you’d knowConsult the Pages of Defoe.

“Take away that bauble”

“Take away that bauble”

Commonwealth (continued)HE seemed to like bold argumentAnd wordy wars with Parliament;

He made things lively we inferFrequently at Westminster.

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

With M.P.s he had many a boutAnd one day cleared the whole lot out;

Locked the door and took the key;Those not the days of ‘Wait and See.’

Charles II.1660–1685CROMWELL’S death brings RestorationAnd Charles Two lands ’mid acclamation.

After his leaps from twig to twigHe now has ‘Otium cum Dig.’

In merry Charles the Second’s ageWoman first acted on the stage;

The King encouraged much this vogueHe was a pleasure seeking rogue.

‘He never said a foolish thing,Nor did a wise one’; this the King

Countered with ‘My words my ownMy acts my ministers’ alone’;

1662In sixteen-six-two year of grace,Charles taxed every fire-place;

And citizens who couldn’t payShivered and grumbled as to-day.

These were the times of MusketeersAnd proud and dashing Cavaliers;

When words were few and tempers hotAnd duels fought out on the spot.

John BunyanTHE tinker preacher Bunyan wroteThe ‘Pilgrim’s Progress’ we still quote,

The prison bars no barrier wroughtTo lowly Bunyan’s lofty thought.

Milton 1678In stately language Milton’s museThe Bible story doth diffuse;

From ‘Paradise Lost’ we get our viewOf Adam and Eve and Satan too.

The Reverend Titus Oates, a scamp,Egregious Popish plots did vamp,

Lied roundly for dishonest gains,Got Cat-o’-nine-tails for his pains.

Habeas Corpus 1679The ‘Habeas Corpus’ best of lawsShields us from prison without cause;

’Twas passed in sixteen-seventy-nine,And means ‘Produce him here,’ in fine.

Van TrompAdmiral Van Tromp, Dutchman bold,With broom at masthead, so ’tis told,

The Channel sailed, suggesting he’sSwept all the English from the seas.

BlakeBut Blake laughed loud and spread his sailsNought the Dutchman now avails;

For he got an awful shockerRight to Davy Jones’ locker.

But though the Dutch failed to invade,They were not disinclined to trade;

So we get ‘Hollands,’ cheese and hamsFresh from the land of Dykes and Dams.

Peace of Breda 1667For fifteen years these Navies fought,’Till sixteen-six-seven respite brought;

The Peace of Breda then succeeded;New York to England was conceded.

PlagueIn sixty-five the Plague appearsAnd then the Fire; two awful years

Fire of London1665–1666For London—And if more you’d knowConsult the Pages of Defoe.

IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicQUEEN ANNE AND THE DUKE OF MARLBOROUGH.James II.1685–1688WHEN Charles Two died his brother JamesSoon put the country into flames;Papistry he would advance,And for that purpose leagued with France.In sixteen-eight-eight his bigot zealReligious Test Act would repeal;Seven bold Bishops who defiedTo the Tower were sent and tried.The country raised a hue and crySo off to France the King doth fly.William III.1689–1702HIS place is filled by William ThreeHis son-in-law from Dutch countree.This Orange sprig most brave of menWith Mary reigns and all things thenWent well with us. Macaulay’s pageHails him as Hero of the age.In this reign of William Three,Laws were harsh ’gainst burglary;For they’d a very drastic wayAnd hanged the ‘Bill Sykes’ of that day.National Debt 1694In sixteen-nine-four we have heardThe National Debt was first incurred;To careful folk who would invest’Twas not devoid of interest.Another National Debt we oweTo Iron Jelloids which the foeDepression’s worries keep at bayAnd drive our nervous fears away.Bill of Rights 1689The ‘Bill of Rights,’ a Charter grand,In sixteen-eight-nine frees this landFrom all encroachments of the CrownHoi Polloi are no longer down.Queen Anne1702–1714GOOD Queen Anne we know is dead;She reigned twelve years but it is said‘Mrs. Morley,’ Marlborough’s wifeRuled her more than half her life.MarlboroughThis was the Duke of Marlborough’s day,Who beat the French in every fray;Known for his famous victoriesAt Blenheim and at Ramillies.In seventeen-seven by statute passedEnglish and Scotch unite at last;‘One coinage and one Parliament’Both Nations ever since content.About this time, so runs the story,Much is heard of ‘Whig and Tory’;And shortly after there was rifeMany a sign of party strife.Dr. Watts1674–1748Good Dr. Watts’ moral laysWere much reputed in these days;And still we lisp at Mother’s knee‘How doth the little Busy Bee.’Pope1688–1744Pope, letter-writer and great poet,Most quotable of all (ye know it),At Twickenham penned his caustic verseEpigrammatic, smooth and terse.George I.1714–1727THE House of Stuart being ended,George of Hanover (descendedFrom daughter of King Jamie One)Comes over to ascend our throne.Of English George knew not a word,Most awkward, not to say absurd,At Cabinet Councils to preside;So from this time the practice died.George II.1727–1760HIS son George Two succeeding thenIn person fought at Dettingen.Both these Kings had various fightsIn Scotland with the Jacobites.William Tull brings in Post Chaises;Now the people ride like ‘blazes.’;Many can’t for they’re in trouble,Ruined by the South Sea Bubble.Wesleys1703–1791John and Charles Wesley, men of mind,Revive Religion in Mankind.Founding a Church both broad and low,One-seven-three-nought A. Domini.Clive 1746Beginning as an office clerkAs soldier Clive soon made his mark,And conquered India for this Nation;Self ’stounded at his moderation.Bridgwater, Gilbert, Brindley, threeGreat Engineers this Centurie,CanalsUseful canals in England made,The flowing arteries of trade.Quebec 1759General Wolfe seventeen-five-nineCaptures Quebec—a victory fine,And Canada’s the splendid prizeFor old ‘John Bull’ to colonise.George III.1760–1820AND now of Georgey number Three:Ut mulus obstinatus heHad full sixty years of reignAnd a big family to train.

IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicQUEEN ANNE AND THE DUKE OF MARLBOROUGH.

IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicQUEEN ANNE AND THE DUKE OF MARLBOROUGH.

James II.1685–1688WHEN Charles Two died his brother JamesSoon put the country into flames;

Papistry he would advance,And for that purpose leagued with France.

In sixteen-eight-eight his bigot zealReligious Test Act would repeal;

Seven bold Bishops who defiedTo the Tower were sent and tried.

The country raised a hue and crySo off to France the King doth fly.

William III.1689–1702HIS place is filled by William ThreeHis son-in-law from Dutch countree.

This Orange sprig most brave of menWith Mary reigns and all things then

Went well with us. Macaulay’s pageHails him as Hero of the age.

In this reign of William Three,Laws were harsh ’gainst burglary;

For they’d a very drastic wayAnd hanged the ‘Bill Sykes’ of that day.

National Debt 1694In sixteen-nine-four we have heardThe National Debt was first incurred;

To careful folk who would invest’Twas not devoid of interest.

Another National Debt we oweTo Iron Jelloids which the foe

Depression’s worries keep at bayAnd drive our nervous fears away.

Bill of Rights 1689The ‘Bill of Rights,’ a Charter grand,In sixteen-eight-nine frees this land

From all encroachments of the CrownHoi Polloi are no longer down.

Queen Anne1702–1714GOOD Queen Anne we know is dead;She reigned twelve years but it is said

‘Mrs. Morley,’ Marlborough’s wifeRuled her more than half her life.

MarlboroughThis was the Duke of Marlborough’s day,Who beat the French in every fray;

Known for his famous victoriesAt Blenheim and at Ramillies.

In seventeen-seven by statute passedEnglish and Scotch unite at last;

‘One coinage and one Parliament’Both Nations ever since content.

About this time, so runs the story,Much is heard of ‘Whig and Tory’;

And shortly after there was rifeMany a sign of party strife.

Dr. Watts1674–1748Good Dr. Watts’ moral laysWere much reputed in these days;

And still we lisp at Mother’s knee‘How doth the little Busy Bee.’

Pope1688–1744Pope, letter-writer and great poet,Most quotable of all (ye know it),

At Twickenham penned his caustic verseEpigrammatic, smooth and terse.

George I.1714–1727THE House of Stuart being ended,George of Hanover (descended

From daughter of King Jamie One)Comes over to ascend our throne.

Of English George knew not a word,Most awkward, not to say absurd,

At Cabinet Councils to preside;So from this time the practice died.

George II.1727–1760HIS son George Two succeeding thenIn person fought at Dettingen.

Both these Kings had various fightsIn Scotland with the Jacobites.

William Tull brings in Post Chaises;Now the people ride like ‘blazes.’;

Many can’t for they’re in trouble,Ruined by the South Sea Bubble.

Wesleys1703–1791John and Charles Wesley, men of mind,Revive Religion in Mankind.

Founding a Church both broad and low,One-seven-three-nought A. Domini.

Clive 1746Beginning as an office clerkAs soldier Clive soon made his mark,

And conquered India for this Nation;Self ’stounded at his moderation.

Bridgwater, Gilbert, Brindley, threeGreat Engineers this Centurie,

CanalsUseful canals in England made,The flowing arteries of trade.

Quebec 1759General Wolfe seventeen-five-nineCaptures Quebec—a victory fine,

And Canada’s the splendid prizeFor old ‘John Bull’ to colonise.

George III.1760–1820AND now of Georgey number Three:Ut mulus obstinatus he

Had full sixty years of reignAnd a big family to train.

IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicGEORGIAN TIMES.Georgian TimesWE will but very lightly scanThe customs known as ‘Georgian’;The times of powdered Belles and Beaux;Patches, paint and furbelows;Of beauteous maids and gallants gayAnd merry routs at Ranelagh;Gaming parties, cards or poolAnd ‘Fops’ of the Beau Brummel School.“Odds faith they say there’s iron in it”When rank and fashion History tellsAll took their cures among the Wells;And sipped in manner hesitatingDaily doses nauseating.But we know better how to actOur cures we purchase more compactFor in the Chemists’ you can see‘Iron Jelloids’ priced at ‘One and Three.’Lord ‘Periwig’ and gay ‘Fallal’In Sedan Chairs frequent the Mall.‘Taxis’ and ‘Tubes’ we beg to stateCame in at a much later date.When Brummel, the historic Beau,Made laws for dress and outward show;Whose vests were poems, whose coats were dreamsOf gorgeous beauty, so it seems;Who figured in the public gazeA ‘Star turn’ with his courtly ways;Who fixed the style of a cravat,Lord of Appeal anent a hat.And My Lord Chesterfield was quiteThe model of the most politeWrote famous letters. It’s a shame,A settee has usurped his name.Dr. Johnson1709–1784And Dr. Johnson at his easeSipped his tea at the ‘Cheshire Cheese,’Or at the ‘Mitre’ of renown,Spreading his wit throughout the Town.GarrickWhen Garrick as the ‘Moody Dane’Drew the Town to Drury Lane,Mrs. SiddonsSarah Siddons was all the rageTragedy Queen of every age.Highwaymen arméd to the teethWaited for prey on Hounslow Heath;Per contra the Highwayman’s pateWas oft strung up at Tyburn Gate.Capt. Cook1728–1779It’s only right a History bookShould mark the feats of Captain Cook;So jot it down in these our RhymesThat round the World he sailed three times.Inventions 1767These are the days of much inventionThe ‘Spinning Jenny’ we will mention;The ‘Cotton Mule’ and ‘Power Loom’;For Authors’ names there’s lack of room.Adam Smith 1766In his book ‘The Wealth of Nations’Adam Smith shows the relationsGoverning the Art of Trading;With influences far pervading.‘Man buys as cheaply as he canAnd sells as dearly, that’s his plan.’‘Supply Demand each other feedDearer markets cheap ones bleed.’Jenner 1796Jenner brings in vaccination,Boon to every generation;By similar methods now devisedMany an ill is exorcised.

IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicGEORGIAN TIMES.

IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicGEORGIAN TIMES.

Georgian TimesWE will but very lightly scanThe customs known as ‘Georgian’;

The times of powdered Belles and Beaux;Patches, paint and furbelows;

Of beauteous maids and gallants gayAnd merry routs at Ranelagh;

Gaming parties, cards or poolAnd ‘Fops’ of the Beau Brummel School.

“Odds faith they say there’s iron in it”

“Odds faith they say there’s iron in it”

When rank and fashion History tellsAll took their cures among the Wells;

And sipped in manner hesitatingDaily doses nauseating.

But we know better how to actOur cures we purchase more compact

For in the Chemists’ you can see‘Iron Jelloids’ priced at ‘One and Three.’

Lord ‘Periwig’ and gay ‘Fallal’In Sedan Chairs frequent the Mall.

‘Taxis’ and ‘Tubes’ we beg to stateCame in at a much later date.

When Brummel, the historic Beau,Made laws for dress and outward show;

Whose vests were poems, whose coats were dreamsOf gorgeous beauty, so it seems;

Who figured in the public gazeA ‘Star turn’ with his courtly ways;

Who fixed the style of a cravat,Lord of Appeal anent a hat.

And My Lord Chesterfield was quiteThe model of the most polite

Wrote famous letters. It’s a shame,A settee has usurped his name.

Dr. Johnson1709–1784And Dr. Johnson at his easeSipped his tea at the ‘Cheshire Cheese,’

Or at the ‘Mitre’ of renown,Spreading his wit throughout the Town.

GarrickWhen Garrick as the ‘Moody Dane’Drew the Town to Drury Lane,

Mrs. SiddonsSarah Siddons was all the rageTragedy Queen of every age.

Highwaymen arméd to the teethWaited for prey on Hounslow Heath;

Per contra the Highwayman’s pateWas oft strung up at Tyburn Gate.

Capt. Cook1728–1779It’s only right a History bookShould mark the feats of Captain Cook;

So jot it down in these our RhymesThat round the World he sailed three times.

Inventions 1767These are the days of much inventionThe ‘Spinning Jenny’ we will mention;

The ‘Cotton Mule’ and ‘Power Loom’;For Authors’ names there’s lack of room.

Adam Smith 1766In his book ‘The Wealth of Nations’Adam Smith shows the relations

Governing the Art of Trading;With influences far pervading.

‘Man buys as cheaply as he canAnd sells as dearly, that’s his plan.’

‘Supply Demand each other feedDearer markets cheap ones bleed.’

Jenner 1796Jenner brings in vaccination,Boon to every generation;

By similar methods now devisedMany an ill is exorcised.

IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicNELSON AND WELLINGTON.American War 1775IN seventeen-sixty and fifteenOur Taxes raise the Yankees’ spleen.‘Unrepresented, you’ve no rightTo tax us, therefore we will fight.’Washington, Franklin and the restFormed a Republic quite the best;We’ve long been friends. Let us rejoice;But at the time we had no choice.French RevolutionIN France in times of Louis Seize (says)Oppression dire through countless daysRoused Revolution with its tearsMainly through books with wrong ideas.Napoleon I.1793–1815From Revolution’s putrid messA Conqueror’s born, quite conscienceless,Millions of men and women diedVictims to Napoleon’s pride.He plunged all Europe into WarsHis own ambition the sole cause.England as usual did her ‘bit’And ‘Boney’ Europe had to quit.During these years of storm and stressTwo noble pilots we possess‘Chatham and Son’ (Pitt is their name),Illustrious on the scroll of fame.Nelson 1805Here we must our homage payTo Nelson of Trafalgar Day;WellingtonTo Wellington the same is due,Who crowned his fame at Waterloo.IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicAND ‘Shiver my timbers,’ ‘Heave ahoy,’The Tar, those times a breezy boyWith shiny hat and pigtail longAnd love for lass and glass and song.Discovery of Electric ForceAbout this date Electric ForceDawns on mankind. Before, of course,In Lightning it was all about,With noise enough to be found out.Coelo eripuit fulmen,’Twas said of Franklin, as ye ken.Philosopher of bygone ageAccept our homage on this page.But who’d have thought it that GalvaniWhen making soup, (this is no blarney)By his power of observationOn a frog’s legs’ oscillationShould find how by chemic waysElectric currents we can raise?To call him ‘great’ is no flattery;He set us on the wondrous battery.This simple little frog, Heigh Ho!The frog who would a-wooing go;Thy part in electricityIs unmatched eccentricity.This new discovered fact, of course,Leads to the Telegraph of Morse,The Motor and Electric LightThe Telephone and more in sight.

IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicNELSON AND WELLINGTON.

IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicNELSON AND WELLINGTON.

American War 1775IN seventeen-sixty and fifteenOur Taxes raise the Yankees’ spleen.

‘Unrepresented, you’ve no rightTo tax us, therefore we will fight.’

Washington, Franklin and the restFormed a Republic quite the best;

We’ve long been friends. Let us rejoice;But at the time we had no choice.

French RevolutionIN France in times of Louis Seize (says)Oppression dire through countless days

Roused Revolution with its tearsMainly through books with wrong ideas.

Napoleon I.1793–1815From Revolution’s putrid messA Conqueror’s born, quite conscienceless,

Millions of men and women diedVictims to Napoleon’s pride.

He plunged all Europe into WarsHis own ambition the sole cause.

England as usual did her ‘bit’And ‘Boney’ Europe had to quit.

During these years of storm and stressTwo noble pilots we possess

‘Chatham and Son’ (Pitt is their name),Illustrious on the scroll of fame.

Nelson 1805Here we must our homage payTo Nelson of Trafalgar Day;

WellingtonTo Wellington the same is due,Who crowned his fame at Waterloo.

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

AND ‘Shiver my timbers,’ ‘Heave ahoy,’The Tar, those times a breezy boy

With shiny hat and pigtail longAnd love for lass and glass and song.

Discovery of Electric ForceAbout this date Electric ForceDawns on mankind. Before, of course,

In Lightning it was all about,With noise enough to be found out.

Coelo eripuit fulmen,’Twas said of Franklin, as ye ken.

Philosopher of bygone ageAccept our homage on this page.

But who’d have thought it that GalvaniWhen making soup, (this is no blarney)

By his power of observationOn a frog’s legs’ oscillation

Should find how by chemic waysElectric currents we can raise?

To call him ‘great’ is no flattery;He set us on the wondrous battery.

This simple little frog, Heigh Ho!The frog who would a-wooing go;

Thy part in electricityIs unmatched eccentricity.

This new discovered fact, of course,Leads to the Telegraph of Morse,

The Motor and Electric LightThe Telephone and more in sight.

Early Victorian—Mid VictorianIN QUEEN VICTORIA’S PALMY DAYS.IrelandOF Ireland but a word or two.Celts were her people and they knewNot benefit of Roman Ruling;Young Europa’s Infant Schooling.In century five St. Patrick greatConverts them to the Christian state;And from this Western Isle afar,English and Scotch converted are.Danes and IrelandTwo hundred years from nine-nought-noughtDanes raiding Erin trouble brought;And left them in chaotic stateNo longer masters of their fate.In those days ’twas ‘Woe to the weak,’Saxons and Danes had made us squeak,Then came the Normans in great forceAnd civilised us in due course.They tried the same with Ireland green;But only sowed a feud betweenThe land they’d conquered and Erin,Leading to endless quarrelling.CromwellEngland accepts the Reformation,Catholic still the Irish nationBoyneSees Cromwell with them battle joinAnd William beat them at the Boyne.William Pitt in eighteen-nought-noughtIreland and England’s welfare soughtAct of Union 1800By ‘Act of Union’ which he passed;But still the wretched squabbles last.George IV.NOW come George Four and Will his brother;With these two kings we need not bother;William IV.The first a gourmand, bon viveur,The next a sailor, bluff, sans peur.Trevithick, Newcomen, and WattAre names will never be forgot;For their crude engines were the sourceOf man’s control of Steam’s wild force.Steam 1830By eighteen-thirty man has tamedSteam to his use; and widely famedWas puffing ‘Rocket’ with the powerOf doing thirty miles an hour.Steam prompts man to make machinesAnd Factories rise with all that means;Divided more and more is labourEach man leans more on his neighbour.For twenty million pounds the nationBuys our slaves’ emancipation.Reform ActIn eighteen-three-two, happy year,The great Reform Act doth appear.Steam vessels the Atlantic cross.The penny post comes into force.And double knocks bring joys and thrillsSometimes cheques, more often bills.Corn Law Repeal 1846The Corn Law duty’s brushed away,Hence we enjoy cheap bread to-day.WE fain would linger, but alas,These are the periods we must pass.So gentle reader do not grinAt sight of cumbrous crinoline.Victoria1837–1901Since Queen Victoria’s palmy daysWoman has altered all her ways.In those days she was meek and mildAnd treated almost like a child;Woman’s StatusWas brought up in a narrow zone;And couldn’t call her soul her own.She vegetated, ’tis well knownUnder the ‘cloche’ of Chaperone.But now the ‘Franchise’ she obtains,And her own property retains.What a difference from then,She ‘carries on’ just like the men.And now at Westminster we seeA lady sitting as M.P.Darwin1809–1882CHARLES Darwin offers us a KeyTo help unlock the mysteryOf Evolution’s wondrous spanFrom Protoplasm up to Man.Livingstone1813–1873The traveller, great Scotch Livingstone,Wandered o’er Afric’s trackless Zone;Where no white man had ever trodTeaching the blacks the Word of God.Crimean WarEnglish, French and Turks unite’Gainst Russia in Crimean fight.Indian MutinyThe Indian Mutiny now arose,‘Fat’ was the cause that led to blows.Atlantic CableWith efforts many men most ableLay the great Atlantic Cable.Suez CanalLesseps unites for you and meThe Medit’ranean and Red Sea.Education ActThe Education Act proposesTo make us all as wise as Moses;In eighteen-seven-nought it passed,But each is learning to the last.Ballot Act 1872A couple of years from this we noteThe Ballot Act gives secret vote;Before this Act, e’en since we fear,Folks sold their votes for draughts of beer.

Early Victorian—Mid VictorianIN QUEEN VICTORIA’S PALMY DAYS.

Early Victorian—Mid VictorianIN QUEEN VICTORIA’S PALMY DAYS.

IrelandOF Ireland but a word or two.Celts were her people and they knew

Not benefit of Roman Ruling;Young Europa’s Infant Schooling.

In century five St. Patrick greatConverts them to the Christian state;

And from this Western Isle afar,English and Scotch converted are.

Danes and IrelandTwo hundred years from nine-nought-noughtDanes raiding Erin trouble brought;

And left them in chaotic stateNo longer masters of their fate.

In those days ’twas ‘Woe to the weak,’Saxons and Danes had made us squeak,

Then came the Normans in great forceAnd civilised us in due course.

They tried the same with Ireland green;But only sowed a feud between

The land they’d conquered and Erin,Leading to endless quarrelling.

CromwellEngland accepts the Reformation,Catholic still the Irish nation

BoyneSees Cromwell with them battle joinAnd William beat them at the Boyne.

William Pitt in eighteen-nought-noughtIreland and England’s welfare sought

Act of Union 1800By ‘Act of Union’ which he passed;But still the wretched squabbles last.

George IV.NOW come George Four and Will his brother;With these two kings we need not bother;

William IV.The first a gourmand, bon viveur,The next a sailor, bluff, sans peur.

Trevithick, Newcomen, and WattAre names will never be forgot;

For their crude engines were the sourceOf man’s control of Steam’s wild force.

Steam 1830By eighteen-thirty man has tamedSteam to his use; and widely famed

Was puffing ‘Rocket’ with the powerOf doing thirty miles an hour.

Steam prompts man to make machinesAnd Factories rise with all that means;

Divided more and more is labourEach man leans more on his neighbour.

For twenty million pounds the nationBuys our slaves’ emancipation.

Reform ActIn eighteen-three-two, happy year,The great Reform Act doth appear.

Steam vessels the Atlantic cross.The penny post comes into force.

And double knocks bring joys and thrillsSometimes cheques, more often bills.

Corn Law Repeal 1846The Corn Law duty’s brushed away,Hence we enjoy cheap bread to-day.

WE fain would linger, but alas,These are the periods we must pass.

So gentle reader do not grinAt sight of cumbrous crinoline.

Victoria1837–1901Since Queen Victoria’s palmy daysWoman has altered all her ways.

In those days she was meek and mildAnd treated almost like a child;

Woman’s StatusWas brought up in a narrow zone;And couldn’t call her soul her own.

She vegetated, ’tis well knownUnder the ‘cloche’ of Chaperone.

But now the ‘Franchise’ she obtains,And her own property retains.

What a difference from then,She ‘carries on’ just like the men.

And now at Westminster we seeA lady sitting as M.P.

Darwin1809–1882CHARLES Darwin offers us a KeyTo help unlock the mystery

Of Evolution’s wondrous spanFrom Protoplasm up to Man.

Livingstone1813–1873The traveller, great Scotch Livingstone,Wandered o’er Afric’s trackless Zone;

Where no white man had ever trodTeaching the blacks the Word of God.

Crimean WarEnglish, French and Turks unite’Gainst Russia in Crimean fight.

Indian MutinyThe Indian Mutiny now arose,‘Fat’ was the cause that led to blows.

Atlantic CableWith efforts many men most ableLay the great Atlantic Cable.

Suez CanalLesseps unites for you and meThe Medit’ranean and Red Sea.

Education ActThe Education Act proposesTo make us all as wise as Moses;

In eighteen-seven-nought it passed,But each is learning to the last.

Ballot Act 1872A couple of years from this we noteThe Ballot Act gives secret vote;

Before this Act, e’en since we fear,Folks sold their votes for draughts of beer.

IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicWOMEN TOOK TO SPADE AND HOE.Edward VII.1901–1910EDWARD Seven, ‘Peacemaker’ named,His efforts to this end far famed.We know it was no idle chanceHis ‘Entente cordiale’ with France.True friendship and the peace we wantThe outcome of this grand Entente.Though not accented in our rhymeWe’ve been fighting all the time;And it’s a fact which must be statedOur chief opponent (so ’twas fated)Wars with FranceOur nearest neighbour o’er the SeaWhose ‘No’ is ‘Non’; whose ‘Yes’ is ‘Oui’;Like two schoolboys always sparringEight hundred years together warring;From Hastings unto WaterlooWe’d battles with the brave ‘Mossoo.’Now Honi soit qui still y pense;Hurrah for England! Vive la France!AND here we come to end our rhymesWe’ve reached the present stirring times,When one and all lent helping handTo keep secure the Motherland.When men went forth to fight the foeAnd women took to spade and hoe,And donning smocks of nattiest styles,Worked on the land for Farmer Giles.Now three cheers for the dainty maids,Government clerks of different grades;Nor are we likely to forgetOur debt to the Munitionette.The Present TimeWe seem to have subdued the HunAnd so farewell (our task is done)To Anzacs-Indians-Poilus-Yanks—Italians-Belgians-Japs-and-Tanks.

IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicWOMEN TOOK TO SPADE AND HOE.

IRON JELLOIDS The Great TonicWOMEN TOOK TO SPADE AND HOE.

Edward VII.1901–1910EDWARD Seven, ‘Peacemaker’ named,His efforts to this end far famed.

We know it was no idle chanceHis ‘Entente cordiale’ with France.

True friendship and the peace we wantThe outcome of this grand Entente.

Though not accented in our rhymeWe’ve been fighting all the time;

And it’s a fact which must be statedOur chief opponent (so ’twas fated)

Wars with FranceOur nearest neighbour o’er the SeaWhose ‘No’ is ‘Non’; whose ‘Yes’ is ‘Oui’;

Like two schoolboys always sparringEight hundred years together warring;

From Hastings unto WaterlooWe’d battles with the brave ‘Mossoo.’

Now Honi soit qui still y pense;Hurrah for England! Vive la France!

AND here we come to end our rhymesWe’ve reached the present stirring times,

When one and all lent helping handTo keep secure the Motherland.

When men went forth to fight the foeAnd women took to spade and hoe,

And donning smocks of nattiest styles,Worked on the land for Farmer Giles.

Now three cheers for the dainty maids,Government clerks of different grades;

Nor are we likely to forgetOur debt to the Munitionette.

The Present TimeWe seem to have subdued the HunAnd so farewell (our task is done)

To Anzacs-Indians-Poilus-Yanks—Italians-Belgians-Japs-and-Tanks.

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