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This is the head [takes the head] of a Female Moderator, or President of the Ladies' Debating Society: she can prove to a demonstration that man is an usurper of dignities and preferments, and that her sex has a just right to participation of both with him: she would have physicians in petticoats, and lawyers with high heads and French curls; then she would haveyoungwomen of spirit to command our fleets and armies, andoldones to govern the state:—she pathetically laments thatwomen are considered as mere domestic animals, fit only for making puddings, pickling cucumbers, or registering cures for the measles and chincough. If this lady's wishes for reformation should ever be accomplished, we may expect to hear that an admiral is in the histerics, that a general has miscarried, and that a prime minister was brought to bed the moment she opened the budget.
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This is the head [shews it] of a Male Moderator, and president of eloquence, at one of her schools in this metropolis. We have schools for fencing, schools for dancing, and schools at which we learn every thing but those things which weought to learn: but this is a school to teach a man to be an orator; it can convert a cobler into a Demosthenes; make him thunder over porter, and lighten over gin, and qualify him to speak on either side of the question in the house of commons, who has not so much as a single vote for a member of parliament.
Here political tobacconists smoke the measures of government in cut and dry arguments; here opposition taylors prove the nation has been cabbaged; here sadlers, turned statesmen, find a curb for the ministry; here the minority veteran players argue that the scene ought to be shifted; that the king's household wants a better manager; that there is no necessity for a wardrobe-keeper; that his majesty's company are a set of very bad actors; and he humbly moves that the king should discharge his prompter. Some time ago, the president of this society had a great constitutional point to decide; but not acquitting himself to the satisfaction of the ladies, this spirited female seized the chair of state, and with the crack of her fan opened the business of the evening; declaring, as women had wisely abolished the vulgar custom of domestic employment, she saw no reason why their knowledge should be confined to the dress of ahead or the flounce of a petticoat; that government, in peace and war, was as much their province as the other sex, nay more; with regard to peace, very little was to be expected where women did not rule with absolute sway; in respect to war, she insisted, at least, upon an equivalent, and quoted the examples of many heroines, from the days of Boadicea, who headed her own armies, down to Hannah Snell, who served in the ranks; she appealed to her auditors if, notwithstanding their plumes, that assembly had not as warlike an appearance as half the officers of the guards, and doubted not but they'd prove to have full as much courage, if ever put to their shifts. "In history and politics," continued she, "have not we a Macaulay? in books of entertainment, a Griffiths? and in dramatic works an author that, in the last new comedy of 'Which is the Man,' disputes the bays with the genius of Drury? Ladies, were it possible to find a man that would dispute the eloquence of our tongues, I am sure he must readily yield to the superior eloquence of our eyes." The gallery cried 'Bravo!' the assembly joined in general plaudit; and Miss Susannah Cross-stich was chosen nem. con. perpetual president.
Before I put these heads on one side, I shall give a derivation of their title. Moderator is derived frommode, the fashion, andrate, a tax; and, in its compound sense, implies that Fashion advised these two to lay their heads together, in order to take advantage of the passion of the public for out-of-the-way opinions, and out-of-the-way undertakings. This head seems to be of that order that should inculcate the doctrine of charity, meekness, and benevolence: but, not finding his labours in the vineyard sufficiently rewarded, according to the value he sets upon himself, is now (like many of his functions) an apostate from grace to faction; and, with a political pamphlet in his hand, instead of a moral discourse, the pulpit is now become (as Hudibras expresses it) a drum ecclesiastic, and volunteers are beat up for in that place, where nothing should be thought of but proselytes to truth.
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Among the many heads that have played upon the passions of the public, this is one [takes the head'] that did cut a capital figure in that way. This is the head of Jonas, or the card-playing conjuring Jew. He could make matadores with a snap of his fingers, command the four aces with a whistle, and get odd tricks. But there is a great many people in London, besides this man, famous for playing odd tricks, and yet no conjurers neither. This man would have made a great figure in the law, as he is so dexterous a conveyancer. But the law is a profession that does not want any jugglers. Nor do we need any longer to load our heads with the weight of learning, or porefor years over arts and sciences, when a few months' practice with these pasteboard pages [takes the cards] can make any man's fortune, without his understanding a single letter of the alphabet, provided he can but slip the cards, snap his fingers, and utter the unintelligible jargon of 'presto, passa, largo, mento, cocolorum, yaw' like this Jonas. The moment he comes into company, and takes up a pack of cards, he begins, "I am no common slight-of hand man; the common slight-of-hand men, they turn up the things up their sleeves, and make you believe their fingers deceive your eyes. Now, sir, you shall draw one card, two cards, three cards, four cards, five cards, half a dozen cards; you look at the card at this side, you look at the card at that side, and I say blow the blast; the blast is blown, the card is flown, yaw, yaw: and now, sir, I will do it once more over again, to see whether my fingers can once more deceive your eyes. I'll give any man ten thousand pounds if he do the like. You look at the card of this side, you look at the card on that side; when I say blow the blast, the blast is blown, the card is shown, yaw, yaw." But this conjurer, at length discovering that most practitioners on cards, now-a-days, know as many tricks as himself,and finding his slights of hand turned to little or no account, now practises on notes of hand by discount, and is to be found every morning at twelve in Duke's-place, up to his knuckles in dirt, and at two at the Bank coffee-house, up to his elbows in money, where these locusts of society, over a dish of coffee and the book of interest, supply the temporary wants of necessitous men, and are sure to out-wit 'em, had they even the cunning of a... Fox!
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Here is the head of another Fashionable Foreigner [shews the head], a very simple machine; for he goes upon one spring, self-interest. This head may be compared to adisoblezeance; for there is but one seat in it, and that is not the seatof understanding: yet it is wonderful how much more rapidly this will move in the high road of preferment than one of your thinking, feeling, complex, English heads, in which honour, integrity, and reason, make such a pother, that no step can be taken without consulting them. This head, if I may be allowed to speak with an Irish accent, was a long time boasting of hisfeats: but the lastfètehe attempted proved hisdefeat; for, in springing too high, he got such a fall as would disgrace an Englishman for ever, and which none but a foreigner's head could recover.
Is it not a pity that foreigners should be admitted familiarly into the houses of the great, while Englishmen, of real merit, shall be thrust from their doors with contempt? An instance of which happened in the following picture—[The picture brought, and he goes before it.]
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Here is an Opera Dancer, or Singer, maintained by us in all the luxury of extravagance; and in the back ground a maimed soldier and sailor, who were asking alms, and thrown down by the insolence of the opera singer's chairman; yet the sailor lost his arm with the gallant Captain Pierson, and the soldier left his leg on the plains of Minden. Instead of paying a guinea to see a man stand on one leg—would it not be better employed were it given to a man who had but one leg to stand on? But, while these dear creatures condescend to come over here, to sing to us forthe trifling sum of fifteen hundred or two thousand guineas yearly, in return for such their condescension, we cannot do too much for them, and that is the reason why we do so little for our own people. This is the way we reward those who only bring folly into the country, and the other is the way, and the only way, with which we reward our deliverers. [The picture taken off.] Among the number of exotics, calculated for this evening's entertainment, the head of an opera composer, or burletta projector, should have been exhibited, could I have been lucky enough to hit upon any droll visage for that exhibition: but, after many experiments, I was convinced that no head for that representation could be so truly ridiculous as my own, if this assembly do me the honour to accept it. [Takes up the music-frame and book.]
Suppose me, for once, a burletta projector, Who attempts a mock musical scrap of a lecture. Suppose this thing a harpsichord or a spinnet; We must suppose so, else there's nothing in it; And thus I begin, tho' a stranger to graces. Those deficiencies must be supplied by grimaces, And the want of wit made up by making of faces.
[Changes wigs and sits down.] Come, Carro, come, attend affetuoso, English be dumb, your language is but so so;
Adagio is piano, allegro must be forte,Go wash my neck and sleeves, because this shirt is dirtyMon charmant, prenez guarda,Mind what your signior begs,Ven you wash, don't scrub so harda,You may rub my shirt to rags.Vile you make the water hotter—Uno solo I compose.Put in the pot the nice sheep's trotter,And de little petty toes;De petty toes are little feet,De little feet not big,Great feet belong to de grunting hog,De petty toes to de little pig.Come, daughter dear, carissima anima mea,Go boil the kittle, make me some green tea a.Ma bella dolce sogno,Vid de tea, cream, and sugar bono,And a little sliceOf bread and butter nice.A bravo bread, and butterBravissimo—————-imo.
END OF PART II.
[Discovers two ladies on the table.]In spite of all the sneers, prints, and paragraphs, that have been published to render the ladies' headdresses ridiculous, sure, when fancy prompts a fine woman to lead the fashion, how can any man be so Hottentotish as to find fault with it? I hope here to be acquitted from any design of rendering the ladies ridiculous; all I aim at is to amuse. Here is a rich dressed lady without elegance.—Here is an elegant dressed lady without riches; for riches can no more give grace than they can beget understanding. A multiplicity of ornaments may load the wearer, but can never distinguish the gentlewoman. [Gives off the delicate lady.] This is a representation of those misled ladies whose families having gained great fortunes by trade, begin to be ashamed of the industry of their ancestors,and turn up their nose at every thing mechanical, and call itwulgar. They are continually thrusting themselves among the nobility, to have it said they keep quality company, and for that empty qualification expose themselves to all the tortures of ill treatment; because it is a frolic for persons of rank to mortify such their imitators. This is vanity without honour, and dignity at second-hand, and shews that ladies may so far entangle the line of beauty, by not having it properly unwound for them, till they are lost in a labyrinth of fashionable intricacies. [Gives the head off. Takes the head of Cleopatra.]
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Here is a real antique; this is the head of that famous demirep of antiquity, called Cleopatra,This is the way the ladies of antiquity used to dress their heads in a morning. [Gives the head off.] And this is the way the ladies at present dress their heads in a morning. [Takes the head.] A lady in this dress seems hooded like a hawk, with a blister on each cheek for the tooth-ach. One would imagine this fashion had been invented by some surly duenna, or ill-natured guardian, on purpose to prevent ladies turning to one side or the other; and that may be the reason why now every young lady chooses to look forward. As the world is round, every thing turns round along with it; no wonder there should be such revolutions in ladies' head-dresses. This was in fashion two or three years past; this is the fashion of last year [takes a head up]; and this the morning headdress [takes the head] of this presentanno domini. These are the winkers, and these are the blinkers. But, as the foibles of the ladies ought to be treated with the utmost delicacy, all we can say of these three heads, thus hoodwinked, is, that they are emblems of the three graces, who, thus muffled, have a mind to play at blindman's buff together. [Gives the heads off.]
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We shall now exhibit the head of An Old Maid. [Takes the head.] This is called antiquated virginity; it is a period when elderly unmarried ladies are supposed to be bearing apes about in leading-strings, as a punishment, because, when those elderly unmarried ladies were young and beautiful, they made monkies of mankind. Old maids are supposed to be ill-natured and crabbed, as wine kept too long on the lees will turn to vinegar.
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Not to be partial to either sex [takes the head up], as a companion to the Old Maid, here is the head of An Old Bachelor. These old bachelors are mere bullies; they are perpetually abusing matrimony, without ever daring to accept of the challenge. When they are in company they are ever exclaiming against hen-pecked husbands, saying, if they were married, their wives should never go any where without asking their lords and masters' leave; and if they were married, the children should never cry, nor the servants commit a fault: they'd set the house to rights; they would do every thing. But the lion-like talkers abroad are mere baa-lambs at home, being generally dupes and slaves to some termagant mistress, against whose imperiousness they dare not open their lips,but are frightened even if she frowns. Old bachelors, in this, resemble your pretenders to atheism, who make a mock in public of what in private they tremble at and fall down to. When they become superannuated, they set up for suitors, they ogle through spectacles, and sing love songs to ladies with catarrhs by way of symphonies, and they address a young lady with, "Come, my dear, I'll put on my spectacles and pin your handkerchief for you; I'll sing you a love song; 'How can you, lovely Nancy!'" &c. [Laughs aloud.] How droll to hear the dotards aping youth, And talk of love's delights without a tooth! [Gives the head off.]
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It is something odd that ladies shall have their charms all abroad in this manner [takes the head], and the very next moment this shall come souse over theirheads, like an extinguisher. [Pulls the calash over.] This is a hood in high taste at the upper end of the town; and this [takes the head] a hood in high taste at the lower end of the town. Not more different are these two heads in their dresses than they are in their manner of conversation: this makes use of a delicate dialect, it being thought polite pronunciation to say instead of cannot,ca'ant; must notma'ant; shall not,sha'ant, This clipping of letters would be extremely detrimental to the current coin of conversation, did not these good dames make ample amends by adding supernumerary syllables when they talk ofbreak-fastes, andtoastesses, and running their heads against the postasses to avoid the wildbeastesses. These female orators, brought up at the bar of Billingsgate, have a peculiar way of expressing themselves, which, however indelicate it may seem to more civilized ears, is exactly conformable to the way of ancient oratory. The difference between ancient and modern oratory consists in saying something or nothing to the purpose. Some people talk without saying any thing; some peopledon't care what they say; some married men would be glad to have nothing to say to their wives; and some husbands would be full as glad if their wives had not any thing to say to them. [Gives the head off.] Ancient oratory is the gift of just persuasion; modern oratory the knack of putting words, not things, together; for speech-makers now are estimated, not by the merit, but by the length of their harangues; they are minuted as we do galloping horses, and their goodness rated according as they hold out against time. For example, a gentleman lately coming into a coffee-house, and expressing himself highly pleased with some debates which he had just then heard, one of his acquaintance begged the favour that he would tell the company what the debates were about.
"About, Sir!—Yes, Sir.—About!—what were they debating about? Why they were about five hours long." "But what did they say, Sir?" "What did they say, Sir? Why one man said every thing; he was up two hours, three quarters, nineteen seconds, and five eighths, by my watch, which is the best stop-watch in England; so, if I don't know what he said, who should? for I had my eye upon my watch all the time he was speaking." "Which side was he of?" "Whyhe was of my side, I stood close by him all the time."
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Here are the busts of two ancient laughing and crying Philosophers, or orators. [Takes the two heads up.] These in their life-time were heads, of two powerful factions, called the Groaners and the Grinners.(Holds one head in each hand.)This Don Dismal's faction, is a representation of that discontented part of mankind who are always railing at the times, and the world, and the people of the world: This is a good-natured fellow, that made the best of every thing: and this Don Dismal would attack his brother—"Oh, brother! brother! brother! what will this world come to?" "The same place it set out from this day twelve-month." "When will the nation's debt be paidoff?" "Will you pass your word for it?" "These are very slippery times—very slippery times." "They are always so in frosty weather." "What's become of our liberty?—Where shall we find liberty?" "In Ireland, to be sure." "I can't bear to see such times." "Shut your eyes then." [Gives the heads off.]
It may seem strange to those spectators [takes the head] who are unacquainted with the reasons that induce ladies to appear in such caricatures, how that delicate sex can walk under the weight of such enormous head-coverings; but what will not English hearts endure for the good of their country? And it's all for the good of their country the ladies wear such appearances; for, while mankind are such enemies to Old England as to run wool to France, our ladies, by making use of wool as part of their head-dresses [lets down the tail and takes out the wool], keep it at home, and encourage the woollen manufactory. [Takes off the head.]
But, as all our fashions descend to our inferiors, a servant maid, in the Peak of Derbyshire, having purchased an old tête from a puppet-show woman, and being at a loss for some of this wool to stuff out the curls with, fancied a whisp of hay mightdo. [Takes the head.] Here is the servant maid, with her new-purchased finery; and here is her new-fashioned stuffing. But, before she had finished at her garret dressing-table, a ring at the door called her down stairs to receive a letter from the postboy; turning back to go into the house again, the postboy's horse, being hungry, laid hold of the head-dress by way of forage. Never may the fair sex meet with a worse misfortune; but may the ladies, always hereafter, preserve their heads in good order. Amen.
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Horace, in describing a fine woman, makes use of two Latin words, which are,simplex munditiis. Now these two words cannot be properly translated;their best interpretation is that of a young Female Quaker. [Takes the head.] Such is the effect of native neatness. Here is no bundle of hair to set her off, no jewels to adorn her, nor artificial complexion. Yet there is a certain odium which satire has dared to charge our English ladies with, which is, plastering the features with whitewash, or rubbing rouge or red upon their faces. [Gives the head off.] Women of the town may lay on red, because, like pirates, the dexterity of their profession consists in their engaging under false colours; but, for the delicate, the inculpable part of the sex, to vermilion their faces, seems as if ladies would fish for lovers as men bait for mackerel, by hanging something red upon the hook; or that they imagined men to be of the bull or turkey-cock kind, that would fly at any thing scarlet. [Takes the head off.] But such practitioners should remember that their faces are the works of their Creator.—If bad, how dare they mend it? If good, why mend it? Are they ashamed of his work, and proud of their own? If any such there are, let 'em lay by the art, and blush not to appear that which he blushes not to have made them. If any lady should be offended with the lecturer's daring to take such liberties with her sex, byway of atonement for that part of my behaviour which may appear culpable, I humbly beg leave to offer a nostrum, or recipe, to preserve the ladies' faces in perpetual bloom, and defend beauty from all assaults of time; and I dare venture to affirm, not all the paints, pomatums, or washes, can be of so much service to make the ladies look lovely as the application of this. [Shews the girdle of good temper.]
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Let but the ladies wear this noble order, and they never will be angry with me; this is the grand secret of attraction; this is the Girdle op Venus, which Juno borrowed to make herself appearlovely to her husband Jupiter, and what is here humbly recommended to all married folks of every denomination; and to them I appeal, whether husband or wife, wife or husband, do not alternately wish each other would wear this girdle? But here lies the mistake; while the husbandbegshis wife, the wifeinsistsupon the husband's putting it on; in the contention the girdle drops down between them, and neither of them will condescend to stoop first to take it up. [Lays down the girdle.]. Bear and forbear, give and forgive, are the four chariot-wheels that carry Love to Heaven: Peace, Lowliness, Fervency, and Taste, are the four radiant horses that draw it. Many people have been all their life-time making this chariot, without ever being able to put one wheel to it. Their horses have most of them got the springhalt, and that is the reason why married people now a-days walk a-foot to the Elysian fields. Many a couple, who live in splendor, think they keep the only carriage that can convey them to happiness; but their vehicle is too often the postcoach of ruin; the horses, that draw it are Vanity, Insolence, Luxury, and Credit; the footmen who ride behind it are Pride, Lust, Tyranny, and Oppression; the servants out of livery, that wait at table,are Folly and Wantonness; them Sickness and Death take away. Were ladies once to see themselves in an ill temper, I question if ever again they would choose to appear in such a character.
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Here is a Lady [takes up the picture] in her true tranquil state of mind, in that amiableness of disposition which makes foreigners declare that an English lady, when she chooses to be in temper, and chooses to be herself, is the most lovely figure in the universe; and on the reverse of this medallion is the same lady when she choosesnotto be in temper, andnotto be herself. [Turns the picture.] This face is put on when she is disappointed of her masquerade habit, when she has lost asans prendre, when her lap-dog's foot is trodupon, or when her husband has dared to contradict her. Some married ladies may have great cause of complaint against their husbands' irregularities; but is this a face to make those husbands better? Surely no! It is only by such looks as these [turns the picture] they are to be won: and may the ladies hereafter only wear such looks, and may this never more be known [turns the picture] only as a picture taken out of Æsop's Fables. [Gives off the picture.]
May each married lady preserve her good man, And young ones get good ones as fast as they can.
It is very remarkable there should be such a plentiful harvest of courtship before marriage, and generally such a famine afterwards. Courtship is a fine bowling-green turf, all galloping round and sweet-hearting, a sunshine holiday in summer time: but when once through matrimony's turnpike, the weather becomes wintry, and some husbands are seized with a cold aguish fit, to which the faculty have given this name—[Shews the girdle of indifference.] Courtship is matrimony's running footman, but seldom stays to see the stocking thrown; it is too often carried away by the two grand preservatives of matrimonialfriendship, delicacy and gratitude. There is also another distemper very mortal to the honeymoon; 'tis what the ladies sometimes are seized with, and the college of physicians call it by this title—[Shews the girdle of the sullens.]
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This distemper generally arises from some ill-conditioned speech, with which the lady has been hurt; who then, leaning on her elbow upon the arm-chair, her cheek resting upon the back of her hand, her eyes fixed earnestly upon the fire, her feet beating tattoo time: the husband in the mean while biting his lips, pulling down his ruffles, stamping about the room, and looking at his ladylike the devil: at last he abruptly demands of her her,
"What's the matter with you, madam?"
The lady mildly replies,
"Nothing."
"What is it you mean, madam?"
"Nothing."
"What would you make me, madam?"
"Nothing."
"What is it I have done to you, madam?"
"O—h—nothing." And this quarrel arose as they sat at breakfast. The lady very innocently observed, she believed the tea was made with Thames water. The husband, in mere contradiction, insisted upon it that the tea-kettle was filled out of the New River.
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From a scene of matrimonial tumult here is one of matrimonial tranquillity. [Matrimonial picture brought on, and you go forward.] Here is an after-dinner wedlocktête-à-tête, a mere matrimonialvis-à-vis; the husband in a yawning state of dissipation, and the lady in almost the same drowsy attitude, called, A nothing-to-doishness. If an unexpected visitor should happen to break in upon their solitude, the lady, in her apology, declares that "she is horribly chagrined, and most immensely out of countenance, to be caught in such a deshabille: but, upon honour, she did not mindhow her clothes were huddled on, not expecting any company, there being nobody at home but her husband."
The gentleman, he shakes his guest by the hand, and says, "I am heartily glad to see you, Jack; I don't know how it was, I was almost asleep; for, as there was nobody at home but my wife, I did not know what to do with myself."
END OF PART III.
We shall now consider the law, as our laws are very considerable, both in bulk and number, according as the statutes declare;considerandi, considerando, considerandum; and are not to be meddled with by those that don't understand 'em. Law always expressing itself with true grammatical precision, never confounding moods, cases, or genders, except indeed when awomanhappens accidentally to be slain, then the verdict is always brought inman-slaughter. The essence of the law is altercation; for the law can altercate, fulminate, deprecate, irritate, and go on at any rate. Now the quintessence of the law has, according to its name, five parts. The first is thebeginning, orincipiendum; the second theuncertainty, ordubitandum; the thirddelay, orpuzzliendum; fourthlyreplicationwithoutendum; and, fifthly,monstrum et horrendum.
All which are exemplified in the following cases, Daniel against Dishclout.—Daniel was groom in the same family wherein Dishclout was cookmaid; and Daniel, returning home one day fuddled, he stooped down to take a sop out of the dripping-pan, which spoiled his clothes, and he was advised to bring his action against the cookmaid; the pleadings of which were as follow. The first person who spoke was Mr. Serjeant Snuffle. He began, saying, "Since I have the honour to be pitched upon to open this cause to your Lordship, I shall not impertinently presume to take up any of your Lordship's time by a round-about circumlocutory manner of speaking or talking, quite foreign to the purpose, and not any ways relating to the matter in hand. I shall, I will, I design to shew what damages my client has sustained hereupon, whereupon, and thereupon. Now, my Lord, my client, being a servant in the same family with Dishclout, and not being at board wages, imagined he had a right to the fee-simple of the dripping-pan, therefore he made an attachment on the sop with his right-hand, which the defendant replevied with her left, tripped us up, and tumbled us into the dripping-pan. Now, in Broughton's Reports, SlackversusSmall wood, it is said thatprimusstrocus sine jocus, absolutus est provokus. Now who gave theprimus strocus?who gave the first offence? Why, the cook; she brought the driping-pan there; for, my Lord, though we will allow, if we had not been there, we could not have been thrown down there; yet, my Lord, if the dripping-pan had not been there, for us to have tumbled down into, we could not have tumbled into the dripping-pan." The next counsel on the same side began with, "My Lord, he who makes use of many words to no purpose has not much to say for himself, therefore I shall come to the point at once; at once and immediately I shall come to the point. My client was in liquor: the liquor in him having served an ejectment upon his understanding, common sense was nonsuited, and he was a man beside himself, as Dr. Biblibus declares, in his Dissertation upon Bumpers, in the 139th folio volume of the Abridgment of the Statutes, page 1286, where he says, that a drunken man ishomo duplicans, or a double man; not only because he sees things double, but also because he is not as he should be,profecto ipsehe; but is as he should not be,defecto tipsehe."
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The counsel on the other side rose up gracefully, playing with his ruffles prettily, and tossing the ties of his wig about emphatically. He began with, "My Lord, and you, gentlemen of the jury, I humbly do conceive I have the authority to declare that I am counsel in this case for the defendant; therefore, my Lord, I shall not flourish away in words; words are no more than filligree work. Some people may think them an embellishment; but to me it is a matter of astonishment how any one can be so impertinent to the detriment of all rudiment. But, my Lord, this is not to be looked at through the medium of right and wrong; for the law knows no medium, andright and wrong are but its shadows. Now, in the first place, they have called a kitchen my client's premises. Now a kitchen is nobody's premises; a kitchen is not a warehouse, nor a wash-house, a brew-house, nor a bake-house, an inn-house, nor an out-house, nor a dwelling-house; no, my Lord, 'tis absolutely andbona fideneither more nor less than a kitchen, or, as the law more classically expresses, a kitchen is,camera necessaria pro usus cookare; cum saucepannis, stewpannis, scullero, dressero, coalholo, stovis, smoak-jacko,pro roastandum, boilandum,fryandum, et plum-pudding mixandum, pro turtle soupos, calve's-head-hashibus, cum calipee et calepashibus.
"But we shall not avail ourselves of analibi, but admit of the existence of a cook-maid. Now my Lord, we shall take it upon a new ground, and beg a new trial; for, as they have curtailed our name from plain Mary into Moll, I hope the court will not allow of this; for, if they were to allow of mistakes, what would the law do? for, when the law don't find mistakes, it is the business of the law to make them." Therefore the court allowed them the liberty of a new trial; for the law is our liberty, and it is happy for us we have the liberty to go to law.
p070 (44K)
By all the laws of laughing, every man is at liberty to play the fool with himself; but some people, fearful it would take from their consequence, choose to do it by proxy: hence comes the appearance of keeping fools in great families. [Takes the head.] Thus are they dressed, and shew, by this party-coloured garment, they are related to all the wise families in the kingdom.
This is a Fool's Cap; 'tis put upon Nobody's head. Nobody's face is without features, because we could not put Anybody's face upon Nobody's head. This is the head of Somebody. [Takes the head.] It has two faces, for Somebody is supposed to carry two faces. One of these faces is handsome, the other rather ill-favoured. The handsome face is exhibited as a hint to that partof mankind who are always whispering among their acquaintance, how well they are with Somebody, and that Somebody is a very fine woman. One of those boasters of beauty, one night at a tavern, relating his amazing amours, the toast-master called him to order, and a gentleman in a frolic, instead of naming any living lady for his toast, gave the Greek name of the tragic muse Melpomene; upon which the boaster of beauty, the moment he heard the word Melpomene, addresses the toast-master, "Oh! ho! Mr. Toastmaster, you are going a round of demireps. Ay, ay, Moll Pomene, I remember her very well; she was a very fine girl, and so was her sister, Bet Po-mene; I had 'em both at a certain house, you know where?" Can we help smiling at the partiality of the present times? that a man should be transported if he snares a hare, or nets a partridge, and yet there is no punishment for those whisperers away of ladies' reputations? But ill tongues would fall hurtless were there no believers to give them credit; as robbers could not continue to pilfer were there no receivers of stolea goods.
p072 (50K)
Here is the head [takes it] of Anybody, with his eyes closed, his mouth shut, and his ears stopped; and this is exhibited as an emblem of wisdom; and anybody may become wise, if they will not spy into the faults of others, tell tales of others, nor listen to the tales of others, but mind their own business, and be satisfied. Here is the head [takes it] of Everybody. [Turns the head round.] This is to show how people dread popular clamour, or what all the world will say, or what every body will say. Nay, there is not a poor country wench, when her young master the 'squire attempts to delude her, but will immediately reply to him, "Lord!—Your honour!—What will the world say?" And this,what will theworld say, is what everybody is anxious after, although it is hardly worth anybody's while to trouble their heads with the world's sayings.
These four heads of Nobody, Everybody, Somebody, and Anybody, form a fifth head, called a Busybody. The Busybody is always anxious after something about Somebody. He'll keep company with Anybody to find out Everybody's business; and is only at a loss when this head stops his pursuit, and Nobody will give him an answer. It is from these four heads the fib of each day is fabricated. Suspicion begets the morning whisper, the gossip Report circulates it as a secret, wide-mouthed Wonder gives Credulity credit for it, and Self-interest authenticates that, as Anybody may be set to work by Somebody, Everybody's alarmed at it, and, at last, there is Nobody knows any thing at all of the matter. From these four heads people purchase lottery-tickets, although calculation demonstrates the odds are so much against them; but Hope flatters them, Fancy makes them believe, and Expectation observes, that the twenty thousand pounds prizes must come to Somebody [gives the head off]; and, as Anybody may have them [gives the head off], and Nobodyknows who [gives the head off], Everybody buys lottery-tickets. [Gives the head off.]
p074 (106K)
Most difficult it is for any single speaker long to preserve the attention of his auditors: nay, he could not continue speaking, conscious of that difficulty, did he not depend greatly on the humanity of his hearers. Yet it is not flattery prompts the lecturer to this address; for, to shew in how odious a light he holds flattery, he here exposes the head of flattery. [Takes the head.]
This being, called Flattery, was begat upon Poverty, by Wit; and that is the reason why poorwits are always the greatest flatterers. The ancients had several days they called lucky and unlucky ones; they were marked as white and black days. Thus is the face of Flattery distinguished; to the lucky she shews her white, or shining profile; to the unlucky she is always in eclipse: but, on the least approach of calamity, immediately Flattery changes into reproach. [Opens the head.] How easy the transition is from flattery into reproach; the moral of which is, that it is a reproach to our understandings to suffer flattery. But some people are so fond of that incense, that they greedily accept it, though they despise the hand that offers it, without considering the receiver is as bad as the thief. As every head here is intended to convey some moral, the moral of this head is as follows: This head was the occasion of the first duel that ever was fought, it then standing on a pillar, in the centre, where four roads met. Two knights-errant, one from the north, and one from the south, arrived at the same instant at the pillar whereon this head was placed: one of the knights-errant, who only saw this side of the head, called out, "It is a shame to trust a silver head by the road side." "A silver head!" replied the knight, who only saw this side of the head, "it is a blackhead." Flat contradiction produced fatal demonstration; their swords flew out, and they hacked and hewed one another so long, that, at last, fainting with loss of blood, they fell on the ground; then, lifting up their eyes, they discovered their mistake concerning this image. A venerable hermit coming by, bound up their wounds, placed them again on horseback, and gave them this piece of advice, That they never hereafter should engage in any parties, or take part in any dispute, without having previously examined both sides of the question.
We shall now conclude this part of the lecture with four national characters.