ACT IIISCENE.—A room inTULLY’Sflat. Lights out to open. A similar room in construction in every way to scene in Act I excepting that it is furnished differently. Two French windows at back opening on to balcony, doorR.leading to hall and street. DoorL.leading to bedroom. It is twilight as the curtain rises. A letter and telegram lie unopened on table aboutL.C.and a settee is placed well in view below doorL.A plan of the scenewill be found at the end of the play.URSULA, TULLY’Smaid, entersR.,switches on lights—switch above doorR.Lights go up.)URSULA(in sombre tones). You can come h’in.(EnterAUNTHANNAH.She is very tall and stout, old-fashioned, but a lady.)AUNTHANNAH(entering). Thank you, thank you, (goes to chairR.of tableL.C.) thank you. (Sits.) Oh, dear me, I am glad to sit down. Phew! I only left the hospital this morning.URSULA(standingC.). You don’t say.AUNTHANNAH. Yes. I was in a terrible ’bus accident about three weeks ago, and I had three of my ribs broken.URSULA. You don’t say.AUNTHANNAH. It was my first experience of a motor ’bus too. They’re most dangerous things. Aren’t you afraid of them?URSULA. I ain’t afraid of nothink.AUNTHANNAH. Dear me, what courage! What courage!URSULA(crossing toL.of tableL.C.). Take anything?AUNTHANNAH. N-o, no thank you. I’ve had mytea.And so my nephew’s out?URSULA. Been h’out since lunch.AUNTHANNAH. Didn’t he say he expected me?URSULA. About three weeks ago he mentioned your name, but not since.AUNTHANNAH. Yes, that was when I came up from Exeter. I was coming on to see him then when I was injured in the ’bus, and they took me straight away to the hospital.URSULA. You don’t say!AUNTHANNAH(tapping walking-stick on floor). But Idosay. But I sent him a telegram saying I was coming to-day.URSULA(pointing to table). Telegram.AUNTHANNAH. Oh yes. Oh yes! Unopened?URSULA. Come h’after the master left.AUNTHANNAH. Oh dear! What a pity! But he’ll be home shortly, I suppose, or doesn’t he keep good respectable hours?URSULA. Nothing to find fault with.AUNTHANNAH. Has he any—er—lady friends?URSULA. H’only one—h’Ag—er—ness.AUNTHANNAH. I hope she’s a good girl.(Noise off.PAMELA, MAMIE, JOHNandTULLYcontinuing argument loudly offR.as at end of Act II.)Oh, what’s that?URSULA. People next door, I suppose.(Noise ceases.)AUNTHANNAH(opening her cloak). Dear me! It’s close!URSULA. Removing your things?AUNTHANNAH. Yes, I should like to. (Rising.)URSULA(goes to doorL.,opens door and holds door open). Bedroom this way.AUNTHANNAH(crossing to door). How very convenient. And I find every one in London so very kind and polite.URSULA(closing door almost onAUNTHANNAH). In there!!(Noise off again.)AUNTHANNAH. Thank you. Thank you!(ExitAUNTHANNAHdoorL.)URSULA(closes door, crosses upR.). ’Orrible neighbours—’orrible neighbours!(ExitURSULAdoorR. TULLYappears in pyjamas, peeping through curtainsR.ofC.he steals into room and runs down to chairL.C.,looks round room.JOHNcrawls on through windowR.ofC.with blanket over him, followingTULLYon.)TULLY. Home at last. Home at last!JOHN. It’s all right! (Throws blanket on chair at back.) I’ve made a barricade with the geranium pots. Nobody could get over without making aterriblesmash. We should be sure to hear them.TULLY. Good, then we’re safe for the moment. (Groans loudly.)JOHN. Don’t make a scene! Don’t make a scene!(Going up to window.AUNTHANNAHenters and seeingTULLYin pyjamas she gives a scream and goes off doorL.quickly.JOHNandTULLYboth start and look round the room.)JOHN(toTULLY). Don’t do it! Don’t do it!TULLY. I distinctly heard a woman’s voice.JOHN(approaches window gingerly). ’Sh! Don’t make a noise. I’m listening for the flower-pots to fall.TULLY. What will happen if Mr. Trippett and the doctor come in and find us gone?JOHN. They dare not enter while the two women are arguing, perhaps fighting. I’m only thinking what a little cat Mamie was to come out just when everything was going so splendidly.TULLY. Whatever induced you to run after a girl like that?JOHN. Is there anybody in this flat?TULLY. Only the maid.JOHN. Well, send her out.TULLY. She’s justbeenout.JOHN. Never mind—send her out fifty times if it’ll only help us.(TULLYgroans.)Don’t give way! Don’t give way! I’ve got an idea. I’m going to cut the electric wires of the whole block of flats. I think I know where they run. Now you go and get her out of the house. Don’t lose a moment. Please go, Bertram!(TULLYgroans and exits doorR.)(Calling after him.) It isn’t often I ask you to do anything!(JOHNthinks. He has a brilliant idea. Takes out his penknife and goes to wall at back, feels along wall.)No, that’s not it. (Looks at wall below doorL.) Ah, that looks more like it. Yes. (Plunges his knife into wall, a jet of soda water comes out through rubber tube fixed in flat below door, the spout of a soda syphon is pushed in other end of rubber tube outside, and at the cue) Got it! Got it! (The water is squirted through.) Oh, damn, confound!(JOHNimmediately places his hand over tube and with his handkerchief stops the flow of water. Syphon is removed and placed on floor ready for next squirt of water.)TULLY. Help! Help! Help! (Heard off.)(TULLYdashes on doorR.and slamming door holds on to handle as if besieged.)JOHN. What’s up? What’s the matter with you?TULLY(trembling all over). The maid doesn’t recognize me without a moustache. She thinks I’m a burglar—and she’s chasing me with a poker.JOHN. Chasing you?TULLY. Yes, and if this woman gets in, she’ll brain us both. Come and help, for heaven’s sake!JOHN. I can’t let go here.TULLY. Why not?JOHN. I thought if I could cut the main electric cable and put out the lights next door, that the doctor and Trippett would be compelled to leave the flat—TULLY. Good! Go on, cut the cable.JOHN. I have tried, I have tried! And I’ve cut the water-pipe instead. It’ll flood the place.TULLY(still holding onto door). Oh, I’d do anything to get out of this.JOHN. For heaven’s sake don’t be so selfish, just when everything’s going so splendidly! (Still holding on to water-pipe.)(AUNTHANNAHopens doorL.and just enters—seesJOHNandTULLYand with a cry exits hurriedly.JOHNandTULLYboth turn on each other.)JOHN. Don’t do it!Don’t doit!TULLY. I didn’t do anything. If you shout like that I shall have a fit in a moment.JOHN. Well, we don’t want to stand here all night.TULLY. Can you reach that key out of the other door?JOHN. I’ve told you I can’t let go here.TULLY. If this woman gets in our lives won’t be worth having.JOHN. Whatever made you engage such a brute?TULLY. I can’t live here alone without protection.JOHN. What’s her name?TULLY. Ursula!JOHN. Ursula! Give her a month’s notice.TULLY. No, I don’t want to lose her.JOHN. Women—are—no—use—unless—they—are—mastered!TULLY. I’ve always heard that it was best to avoid women who are mustard.JOHN. Mastered—not mustard! And take off those pyjamas!TULLY. And I ought to be playing the flute to-night down at the Mission.JOHN. Hang your mission! I’m trying to think what I can do here. Lend me your handkerchief—I’ll plug it up with mine and then tie it up.TULLY(waving his handkerchief). Catch! Catch!JOHN. How can I catch from here?(TULLYruns across with handkerchief—his pyjama trousers round his ankles—gives handkerchief toJOHN—then sits chairC.)You’ll split those pyjamas!TULLY(removing pyjamas). This is the most awful afternoon I’ve ever had in my life. I shall never be the same man again.JOHN(ties up tube with handkerchief). There, that’ll hold, I think. Now, I’ll go and cover your retreat. (Crosses toR.)TULLY(picking up telegram from tableL.C.). Oh! Here’s a telegram! Telegrams always make me feel so nervous! (Opens it and reads.) It’s from Aunt Hannah, she’s coming up to-day. I’ve been expecting her for the last three weeks. I am the only relation she has, and in order to avoid the death-duties she’s going to make a Deed of Gift to me amounting to several thousand pounds!JOHN. Several thousand pounds! Now thatismean. Look at the trouble you’ve put me to. You might have lent me the money and so saved me a fortnight’s illness.TULLY(rises). Will you accept the £500 from me?JOHN. I suppose I must.TULLY. Thatisgood of you!JOHN. Not at all! You have such a winning way with you. One can’t help doing as you wish.TULLY(smiles broadly). That’s taken a great load off my mind. The old lady is very generous. Directly she arrives we must both be very nice to her.JOHN. Trust me for that. And Icanbe nice when I like.TULLY. I know you can. But what about the ’Bus Company?JOHN. Oh yes. I’ll get you to go back and say I withdraw my claim.TULLY. Yes. I’d love to do that. (Picking up letter from tableL.C.)JOHN. I’ll buy Mamie a new necklace, and tell Pam the whole truth—that Mamie is not your wife, but your little bit of fluff named Agnes.TULLY. No, I draw the line there, Mamie’syourfluff.Youmust shoulder that responsibility.JOHN. But you’re a single man. It doesn’t matter about you.TULLY. Oh yes it does. I’ve got to think of my reputation down at the Mission.JOHN. Oh, hang your mission!TULLY. Oh, dear! (Becomes very serious as he reads letter.)JOHN. What’s up?TULLY. It’s a letter from the Motor ’Bus Company.JOHN. Motor ’Bus Company?TULLY. They’re going to sueme.JOHN. Sueyou, what for?TULLY. The fat woman who had three ribs broken says that I am liable—that my fall on her was premeditated and nothing to do with the accident. Oh, and listen to this. (Reading.) “Our representative will have much pleasure in calling upon you this evening at seven o’clock.”JOHN. It’s gone seven now.TULLY. They’re sending some one here to-night?JOHN. Yes, who will they send—either Trippett or the doctor. They are both in the neighbourhood.TULLY. Then they may be here at any moment!JOHN. But this is a simple matter now you’ve got the necessary money coming in.TULLY. But which one will they send, because it depends on that whoyouare and whoIam.JOHN. Well, I’ll get you to creep back and tell Pam that I withdraw my claim—then, if the doctor calls you must get back in time to see him, and if Trippett calls, I’ll see Trippett.TULLY. But that won’t helpmeout—if they are going to sue me—possibly for hundreds—I’m not going to lend you this money unless I can see a clean sheet for myself—you got me into this mess, you must get me out of it! (SitsC.and groans.)JOHN. Youareungrateful. After all I’vedonefor you. Are you going to lend me the £500 or are you not?TULLY. Certainly. But I didn’t fall on top of this fat woman, and I’m not going to be made to pay. You had the fun, you ought to suffer.(JOHNcrosses toL.and rings bell, alarmed.)What are you going to do?JOHN. Do as you wish. I’m going to get you out of this trouble. I’ve rung for Ursula.TULLY. Ursula!(URSULAentersR.,holding poker at her side.TULLYbus. trying to hide his lip.)JOHN(crosses to doorR.). Oh, er, good evening Ursula! (In his best manner.)URSULA(abruptly). Evening!JOHN. We want you to do us a favour, if you will?URSULA. A favour?JOHN. We want you to lend us some ladies’ clothes—just for an hour or so.URSULA. What sort of clothes?JOHN. Oh, nothing—er—white—nothing under—underhand—just super clothes—and if you do this, your master will be very much obliged to you and he’ll raise your wages.(Bus.TULLYaghast.JOHNmotioning to him to keep quiet.)URSULA. I’ll see—I’ll see.(ExitURSULAdoorR.)TULLY(rises and comes downC.). John! What are you going to do?JOHN. I think you will acknowledge thisisan inspiration. These ’bus people think they are going to corner us, I can seetheirmove. But you and I arefartoo smart for them.TULLY(in doubt). Are we?JOHN. It has only just struck me,but you are the living image of the fat old lady in the ’bus!TULLY(offended). Oh! John!JOHN. Without the fat, of course. If you get into these clothes and pad yourself all round, no one will know the difference.TULLY. No, I couldn’t do that. It’s illegal!JOHN. I’m doing this to getyouout of the pickle. I’m not doing it for my own sake, please bear that in mind.TULLY. But what good will it do?JOHN. If the doctor or Trippett calls here, I shall say that I am Tully, that is Tully’s brother, that I have had an interview with the lady in the ’bus accident and she is strongly of opinion that the ’Bus Company is liable.TULLY. But they’ll dispute it at once.JOHN. Naturally—then we are prepared. I shall just bring you into the room dressed as the lady, with nothing to do but to bear out my statement.TULLY. No, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it! (TurnsL.)JOHN. Bertram! I have an idea—an idea that wouldn’t occurto one man in a million,(EnterURSULA,with bundle of clothes. Crosses toJOHN.)and you want to ignore it. Bertram! Bertram!URSULA. Clothes! (Gives clothes toJOHNand exits doorR.)JOHN(takes clothes). Thank you, Ursula, thank you. (Gives clothes toTULLY.) The very thing—but you’ll want a fearful lot of padding—you’re so thin. (He gathers up cushions from couch and arm-chair and pushesthem intoTULLY’Sarms.) Here we are, top-hole, beautiful padding!TULLY. But, John, what about a bodice. I must have a bodice!JOHN. What do you want a bodice for?TULLY. For all this part. (Pointing to chest.)JOHN. I’ll go and get a bodice off Ursula. Meanwhile you go into the bedroom and get into these clothes as quickly as you can. Shave your top lip clean. Don’t forget the cushions. Arrange them—diplomatically—you know—come out and go in—and all that sort of thing, and I’ll go and get the bodice.(JOHNexits doorR.)TULLY. I don’t know where a woman comes out and goes in!(Stands looking round hopelessly, then goes to doorL.,opens door and is about to enter bedroom.AUNTHANNAHscreams off.TULLYshuts door quickly, rushes up to windowL.Crash of falling flower-pots heard offR. TULLYdrops clothes, etc., and rushes to doorR. MAMIEenters windowsR.C.breathless and excited.)MAMIE. Oh, there you are, Bertie! Where’s Jack? Where is he?TULLY(comingC.). Somewhere in the house.MAMIE. Is there anyone else in the house besides Jack?TULLY. Only the maid—and Bogie.MAMIE. Bogie—who’s Bogie?TULLY. My little dog.MAMIE. Do you know that Mrs. Ayers still thinks I am your wife.TULLY(wriggles and nods). Yes, I’m so sorry.MAMIE. What?TULLY. I mean—delighted. (Wriggles again.)MAMIE. Oh, don’t wriggle! Things are far too serious for wriggling. You heard about the necklace that was lent to me by my friend the Rajah?TULLY. Yes, Ihaveheard about it.MAMIE. Then I want you, as my husband, to take the matter into your hands and tell Mrs. Ayers that unless the necklace is returned to meat once,youwill take proceedings.TULLY. Oh, I couldn’t do that, I’ll call John. (Going to doorR.)MAMIE(pullingTULLYback). No, don’t call John. It’s only natural if you are supposed to be my husband that you should help me in this matter. And if you don’t, you’ll get it in the neck right where the chicken got the axe. (On the verge of tears, she crosses and sitsC.,searching in her handbag for letter.) Just read this letter. It’s from the Rajah—I’ve never had such things said to me in my life—boo—boo—boo! (Crying.)TULLY(patting back of chair). Don’t cry, child, don’t cry.MAMIE. Where did I put it? In my bag? No! (Rising.) I remember, I put it in my dress for safety.TULLY. Oh! oh!MAMIE. Would you mind unhooking my dress at the back, please.TULLY(very embarrassed). Really I’m a single man!MAMIE. Well, these are single hooks.TULLY(crosses to doorR.). I’ll call John!MAMIE. Please don’t call John.TULLY(calling through door and whistling). I must have some one in the room—Bogie! Bogie! Bogie!MAMIE. Bertie! Bertram! Come here! (BERTRAMgoing towards her.) I want to show you something very important.TULLY(backing away from her). I’ll take your word for it!MAMIE. It’s the Rajah’s letter. Just the top two hooks, please—as quickly as you can. (ApproachingTULLYwith her shoulder towards him.)TULLY. Really, I don’t understand. I’m quite a novice.MAMIE(annoyed). You don’t want me totearthe thing off?TULLY(advancing timidly). For heaven’s sake, don’t do that!MAMIE. Well, pull your socks up, Bertie, and undo the top one.(TULLYpulls up his socks.)Whatareyou doing?TULLY. Pulling my socks up.MAMIE(sidling up to him). Go on, the top one.(TULLYunfastens the top hook.)Ah, that’s better. (Trying to get letter from bodice.) Now, the next one.TULLY. No, no more.MAMIE(sweetly). Now the next one.TULLY(shaking head decisively). No more!MAMIE. Do please, Bertie dear! Bertie darling! Bertie sweetheart!TULLY(smiles broadly and giggles). Well, just this one. No more after that.MAMIE. No, no more after that.TULLY(giggles). They are nice little hooks. Shall I go any further?MAMIE. No, not at present. (Secures letter.) I’ve got it. Just read that!(Crash of flower-pots offR.)It’s the Rajah! (Very frightened.)TULLY. No, more flower-pots. (Going up to windowR.) More creepers! (In a loud whisper.) It’s Mrs. Ayers!MAMIE. I’ll hide here and listen. Come and hide me, Bertie.(MAMIEcrouches down at foot of tableL.C.behindTULLY. PAMELAenters windowR.)PAMELA(coming downC.). Oh—Mr. Tully—where is John?TULLY. He’s very busy with my maid.PAMELA. With your maid?TULLY. Yes, he’s trying to get some clothes off her.PAMELA(annoyed). What?TULLY. Trying to borrow some clothes I should say.(JOHNenters from doorR.,seesPAMELAand exits hurriedly, MAMIEticklesTULLY’Slegs.)PAMELA. Well, someone must come at once. Mr. Trippett refuses to leave the flat until he has seen John, and the doctor is coming round toyourdoor.TULLY(crossing toR.towardsPAMELA). But John is going to withdraw his claim against the Company, and I’m going to tell Mr. Trippett so.PAMELA. Then please come at once.(TULLYandPAMELAgo up.)MAMIE. Stop! Before you go, I’d like you to ask Mrs. Ayers to give me back my necklace. (Below tableL.C.standing.)PAMELA. I’ve already told you, Mrs. Tully, that this necklace does not belong to you. (ToTULLY.) And please ask your wife to apologize. (Goes downR.)TULLY(crosses toMAMIE). Miss Scott—Miss Fluff—(bangs hand on table and adopts an authoritative tone)—my wife—will you apologize?MAMIE(round sharply toTULLY). Certainly not!(TULLYcollapses in chair.)You know as well as I do that that necklace doesnotbelong to Mrs. Ayers. Please ask her to return it to me.TULLY(crosses toPAMELA). Mrs. Ayers, will you please return the necklace to Mrs.—er—Mrs. wife?PAMELA. I shall do nothing in the matter until I’ve seen John.TULLY(crosses toMAMIE). She will do nothing in the matter——MAMIE(pushingTULLYup stage). Out of my way!(TULLYwatching his opportunity, works up to window, picks up clothes and cushions and steals out by windowR.)(MAMIEcrosses toPAMELA.) Now, Mrs. Ayers, that necklace was lent to me and its real owner is waiting at the door of your flat. If I don’t take it back to him at once you’ll have the police on your track. Am I to take it back or not?(PAMELAhesitates.)You refuse? You refuse?PAMELA(hands necklace toMAMIE) Oh, very well, take it to him. (Crosses to writing-desk upL.) I don’t want a vulgar scene over a paltry thirty-shilling necklace. (Sits.)MAMIE. Thirty shillings! That shows how muchyouknow, and also that this necklace cannot possibly beyourproperty—I’m sorry you made such a mistake. (Going up to windowR.) Thirty shillings—that’s really good—I must tell the Rajah that! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!(ExitMAMIEwindowR.,laughing loudly.)PAMELA(rushes to doorL.,opens it). John! John!(AUNTHANNAHscreams.PAMELAcloses door, rushes across to doorR. URSULAenters doorR.holding poker in hand and looking very formidable, she advances in a threatening manner.)(PAMELAstarts with a little cry at sight ofURSULAand backs up to windowR.trembling with fear.)URSULA. What are you doing ’ere? What are you doing ’ere?PAMELA. I beg your pardon, I was looking for my husband.URSULA. Well, he’s not ’ere. He’s not ’ere! (Loudly.)PAMELA. No, I’m sure he wouldn’t be——(Exit windowR.calling:“John! John!”)(URSULAopens doorR.and beckons.)URSULA. It’s all right. You can come in now, little man. All gone!JOHN(entering). Thank you, Ursula, thank you! (JOHNis carrying a bodice.)(URSULAgivesJOHNthe glad eye and exits with a little backward kick of the leg.JOHNcrosses to doorL.,opens it and throws bodice into bedroom.)Here you are, it’s the best she’s got!(AUNTHANNAHscreams off.)Eh? What’s that, speak up, I can’t hear. (Crossing to doorR.)(AUNTHANNAHenters,JOHNturns and bursts into laughter, mistakingAUNTHANNAHforTULLYin disguise.)AUNTHANNAH. You dare not attack a woman even if youarea burglar! (With fear and anger.)JOHN(roars with laughter). Excellent! Splendid! The very thing. I shouldn’t have known you.AUNTHANNAH(dignified). I want to leave this house.JOHN(still laughing loudly). Ha! Ha! Ha! You are the living image of the fat old woman in the ’bus.AUNTHANNAH. Iamthe lady who was in the ’bus, sir, and I know you—I knowyounow. You were the coward who, to save his own skin, so cruelly tried to crush me.JOHN(laughing). Good! Good! If you only keep it up like that you’ll be splendid.AUNTHANNAH. I tell you, sir, I had three of my ribs broken.JOHN(laughing). Ribs! You don’t look as if you had any ribs. You are all, cushions! (DiggingAUNTHANNAHin the ribs.) Ha! Ha! Ha!AUNTHANNAH(screams). Oh! Oh! (Up to table.) Oh, my poor side—oh, my poor heart.JOHN(imitating). Oh, my poor side, oh, my poor heart! Ha! Ha! Ha! Oh, don’t make me laugh! You’ve got the funniest mug I’ve ever seen. And you do “go out” and “come in” a lot, more “come in” than “go out.” (Rocks with laughter.)AUNTHANNAH. I’m going to leave this house, sir, and if you attempt to stop me, I’ll call for the police. (Tries to passJOHN,he stops her.)JOHN. If you jump about like that, your clothes will fall off.AUNTHANNAH. Ouch! Ouch! (Turns up stage.)JOHN. Oh! You ought to see your back view! Ha! Ha!AUNTHANNAH. How dare you! How dare you!(Bell rings offR.)JOHN(over toAUNTHANNAH). Hark, that may be our man. Pull yourself together.AUNTHANNAH. Don’t you touch me!JOHN. Stop it, you idiot. Don’t forget if that’s the doctor, you’re here to discuss the ’bus accident with me. Now, go into that bedroom, and don’t come out till I call you!AUNTHANNAH. I wish to leave this house.JOHN(opens doorL.and is pushingAUNTHANNAHoff gradually). Come on, don’t play the giddy ox. (Pushes her into bedroom.) Kennel! Kennel!AUNTHANNAH. Don’t you touch me! How dare you! Oh—o—o—oh!(Exit.)(JOHNbangs the door after her.URSULAenters doorR.)JOHN. What is it? What is it?URSULA. Dr. Bigland to see the master.JOHN. Dr. Bigland! Good! Show him in!(ExitURSULAdoorR.)JOHN. Who am I now? I know, I’m Tully. No, I’m not, I’m Tully’s brother, Tully’s twin brother. (StandsC.,braces himself up and removes moustache.)URSULA(enters, announcing). Dr. Bigland!DOCTOR(enters—URSULAexits). Yes. I expected something of this kind.JOHN(reserves mock dignity). I haven’t the pleasure of your acquaintance.DOCTOR. You are Mr. Tully.JOHN. Tully is my name.DOCTOR. Hadn’t I the pleasure of meeting you a short while ago next door?JOHN. No, that was my brother.DOCTOR. Your brother? Good heavens! What a likeness!JOHN. Yes, we’re often mistaken for each other. If the true facts of the case were known I believe we were very nearly twins.DOCTOR. Remarkable! I apologize.JOHN. Not at all. But didn’t my brother tell you it was my brother? I mean, didn’t he tell you it was me?DOCTOR. He said it was his brother who was in the motor ’bus accident.JOHN. Quite correct.DOCTOR. The object of my visit is in reference to that matter.JOHN. Will you take a seat?DOCTOR. I thank you. (Sits by tableL.C.) Now, as regards yourself. At the time of the accident there was a lady in the ’bus who had three ribs broken, and we understand that this was caused by your fall on top of the lady.JOHN. Yes, but I make no claim against the lady.DOCTOR. No, but the lady wishes to make a claim against you.JOHN. I don’t think so. The lady herself is here, now, and quite ready to deny your allegations against me. (Goes to doorL.)(DOCTORrises, places hat on chair he has been sitting on and goesR.)You can come in!(AUNTHANNAHenters with timid little jerks.)(Aside toAUNTHANNAH). It’s the doctor.AUNTHANNAH(tearfully). Oh! O-h-h! It’s Dr. Bigland. (Crosses to doctor.)(JOHNrubs hands with great satisfaction.)DOCTOR. Now, my dear lady, calm yourself; remember what I told you, you must keep calm.JOHN. You see, the poor woman’s nerves are shattered, and all through riding in your beastly ’buses. (Signals toAUNTHANNAHto be quiet, to which she pays no heed.)DOCTOR(to AUNTHANNAH). You know thisgentlemanwho was in the ’bus accident with you?AUNTHANNAH. Yes, and I live in fear of him.DOCTOR. That’s quite all right. There’s nothing to be frightened of. Now sit down, sit down and compose yourself.(AUNTHANNAHbacks up to chairC.,is about to sit onDOCTOR’Shat.DOCTORrushes up and snatches hat away.) Ah! (Shouts.) Not on my hat! (Places hat on table downR.)(AUNTHANNAHjumps up onDOCTOR’Sshout, throws arms roundJOHN’Sneck.JOHNpushes her into chairC.)AUNTHANNAH. Oh dear, dear, dear! O-h-h!DOCTOR. Now I understand you wish to thrash out this matter of the accident.(Taking notebook from pocket.)JOHN(crosses toDOCTOR). Yes, we are both desirous that it should be cleared up, aren’t we?AUNTHANNAH. Doctor,Iam.JOHN(looks overDOCTOR’Sshoulder and watches him writing). Will you begin?DOCTOR. No, I will not begin. I will hear what the lady has to say and make my report.JOHN. Good! (Signalling toAUNTHANNAH.) Well—er—madam—the Doctor and I have been discussing the matter, and he is under the impression that you think thatIam to blame for the injury you have suffered. Now I want you to prove to him that such is not the case.AUNTHANNAH. But itisthe case.(JOHNstarts.)The Doctor is quite right!(DOCTORmakes notes.JOHNbus. shaking his head atAUNTHANNAHand signalling.)JOHN. I say, the Doctor thinks that I was to blame, and I want you to deny this scandalous accusation. (Signals.)AUNTHANNAH. I can’t deny it.JOHN. But you don’t understand.AUNTHANNAH. I beg to state that Idounderstand.(AUNTHANNAHholds finger up.JOHNsmacks her hand.)JOHN(frowning and signalling). Let me explain. A short while ago when you and I were discussing this matter, you agreed with me that the ’Bus Company and they alone were responsible for your injuries.AUNTHANNAH. I did not agree with you in any way! It’s a wicked falsehood.DOCTOR. Exactly as I thought.JOHN(toAUNTHANNAH). You silly fool! Oh, I beg your pardon—think—think—didn’t you distinctly say you were going to sue the ’Bus Company?(Nodding“Yes”toAUNTHANNAH.)AUNTHANNAH(rising and crossing to couchL.). I don’t remember discussing the matter with you at all, sir.JOHN. Then the accident must have affected your memory. (Aside toAUNTHANNAH.) You half-witted idiot, you’ll spoil everything.AUNTHANNAH. And abuse will certainly not make me alter my decision.DOCTOR(crossingC.). Now, my dear lady, you are firmly of the opinion that the injury you sustained was due to the premeditated action of this gentleman when riding on one of the Company’s vehicles?AUNTHANNAH. That is my case exactly.(DOCTORmakes notes, JOHNfrantic.)DOCTOR. Very well. And the amount of damages you claim?AUNTHANNAH. I claim—(JOHNthreatens her with his fist). I claim—I——DOCTOR. I claim! I claim! What do you claim?AUNTHANNAH. I claim— (JOHNthreatens her.) Five hundred pounds!DOCTOR. Five hundred pounds. (DOCTORwrites in book.)(JOHNin a fury is threatening to strikeAUNTHANNAH. DOCTORturns and catches him—they both bow.DOCTORwrites in book again.JOHNbangs back of couch.AUNTHANNAHstarts with a shriek.DOCTORstarts also.)DOCTOR. Now, sir, are you prepared in any way to accept this liability?JOHN(right up toDOCTOR,furiously). No—most certainly not!DOCTOR(closing book and crossingR.) Then there’s nothing more to be said.JOHN(crossing toDOCTOR). Oh yes there is, I’m a little smarter than you imagine, and I can tell you something. That isn’t a woman you’ve been talking to, that’s a man!(AUNTHANNAHvery indignant.DOCTORlaughs.)Oh, you can laugh, you can laugh, but I canproveit.(AUNTHANNAHscreams, very nervous.)DOCTOR. You can do what, sir?JOHN. Prove it!DOCTOR. Not in my presence, you don’t!(DOCTORexits hurriedly.)(JOHNrushes to doorR.and with his back against it glares atAUNTHANNAH.)AUNTHANNAH(rising in terror). Don’t you look at me like that, sir. Don’t you look at me like that!JOHN. Take off those pads.AUNTHANNAH. Pads!JOHN. Take off those pads!AUNTHANNAH. I don’t wear pads.JOHN(advancing onAUNTHANNAH). You cheat! You dirty little turncoat—to make a fool of me like that.AUNTHANNAH(jumping round tableL.C.toR.). Don’t you touch me, sir. Don’t you touch me!JOHN. Take off those rags, or I’ll thrash you! (Grabs at her skirt, which he tears off, leavingAUNTHANNAHin a very pronounced petticoat.JOHNpushesAUNTHANNAHtill she falls on to couch downL.)(EnterPAMELAfrom windowR.C.)PAMELA. John! John! I’m surprised at you—treating a woman like that.(Crosses toAUNTHANNAH,kneeling by her.)JOHN. A woman! (Gazes intoAUNTHANNAH’Sface.) Oh, good lor’, it’s a woman!(Sinks into chairR.of tableL.C.)PAMELA. Yes, a woman. There, there, calm yourself, calm yourself. (ToJOHN.) Mr. Tully told me you were trying to get clothes off someone!JOHN. Where—is—TULLY?PAMELA. I left him in our flat. He was telling Mr. Trippett that you withdraw your claim. John, she’s fainted! (Rises—looks round.) Get some water, get some water, John. (PAMELAgoes up behind tableL.C.looking for water.)JOHN. I haven’t the faintest idea where to get water—I don’t know this beastly flat—(Suddenly thinks of water-spout.) Ah! I know. Stand back. Pam—stand back!(Gets hold of tube water-spout.JOHNtakes the plugged handkerchief from wall and the water-pipe squirts directly on toAUNTHANNAH’Sface.JOHNplugs the pipe again and crosses toAUNTHANNAH,assisting her to rise.AUNTHANNAH,when water falls on her, screams and makes movement with arms as if swimming.)JOHN. Why, who are you?AUNTHANNAH. I’m Mr. Tully’s aunt.JOHN. Mr. Tully’s aunt!AUNTHANNAH. Yes, I am Aunt Hannah!JOHN. Aunt Hannah! Go and look after her, Pam.(PAMELApicks upAUNTHANNAH’Sskirt and assistsAUNTHANNAHoff doorL. AUNTHANNAHmuttering until off.)(ExitAUNTHANNAHandPAMELAdownL.)JOHN(dazed, and gazing at door). Another five hundred gone.TULLY(off, windowR.C.). Everything’s going splendidly! Everything’s going splendidly!(TULLYenters windowsR.C.,comes right downC.and faces audience. He is dressed in woman’s clothes which are much too big for him and is padded out with the cushions.)JOHN(looks up—seesTULLY). Take it away! Take it away! You’re too late!TULLY. Don’t I look all right?JOHN. All right? You look more like a goat than a woman!TULLY. I thought I looked like a little bit of fluff. What’s happened? (Turns toJOHN.)JOHN. Do you realize that the stout—lady—in the ’bus accidentwas—your—aunt!!!TULLY(going up toJOHN). The fat woman was Aunt Hannah? How do you know this? How do you know this?JOHN. Because she is here now—in your bedroom.TULLY. Really. You’ve seen her?(JOHNnods.)Have you been very nice to the old lady?JOHN. Nice! You should have seen what I did to her!TULLY. Oh, it’s not as bad as all that surely?(EnterPAMELA. TULLYpicks up skirts and dashes off doorR.)PAMELA(laughing). What’s that?JOHN(crossing toPAMELA). That’s Tully; I think he’s gone mad.PAMELA(crossingR.). And so has Mrs. Tully. Do you know she swore the pearl necklace you gave me belonged to her?JOHN. Did she really?PAMELA. Yes. I can’t help laughing. I gave it to her.JOHN(starting). You gave her the necklace.PAMELA(laughing). Yes. I certainly didn’t want a scene with a woman like that.(JOHNgoes mad with delight, dances downL.)JOHN. Ha! Ha! You gave it to her. You gave it to her. Then the Rajah’s got it back again—the Rajah’s got it back again.PAMELA. Don’t give way, John.JOHN. Ha! Ha! I must give way. (Still dancing.)PAMELA. But you don’t knowwhatI gave her. I didn’t give her therealnecklace. (JOHNstops dancing.) I was wearing theimitationone that cost thirty shillings.JOHN(his spirits down to zero). You gave her the imitation one?PAMELA. Yes.JOHN. Are you sure?PAMELA. Yes, I have the real one here. It has a crown on the clasp. (Shows necklace.) See! (She realizes her mistake.) John! John! I’ve—I’ve givenher therealone—I remember now—I changed it at mother’s. Ididchange it. John, I’ve given her therealnecklace! (Bursts into tears and sitsR.C.)JOHN(dances all round the room with joy, then over toPAMELA). There, there, dear, don’t go mad. It can’t be helped. We all make mistakes.PAMELA. Something must be done. This will kill mother.JOHN. We must chance that.PAMELA(starting up). Couldn’t Mr. Tully get the necklace back for me?JOHN. No, impossible!PAMELA. Impossible, why?JOHN(takesPAMELA’Sarm confidentially). I’ll tell you a secret, Pam, Tully’s a wrong ’un.PAMELA. A wrong ’un?JOHN. Yes, he’s a dark horse. And I’ll tell you something else. That isn’tMrs.Tully; that’s Tully’s little weakness. He calls her Agnes, and that’s the type of man Mr. Tully is.PAMELA(with a knowing nod of the head). I had my suspicions. Then perhaps there’s time for me to catch her before she finds the Rajah. (She rushes off windowsR.C.)JOHN. Come back, Pam. Come back!(ExitPAMELA.)(EnterAUNTHANNAHdoorL.,without her hat.)AUNTHANNAH. Where is my nephew, sir? Where is my nephew?JOHN. Ah, Aunt Hannah! He’s afraid to meet you until you forgive me for all I’ve done. There’s been a most absurd mistake caused by your likeness to Bertram. If you’ll only let me explain.AUNTHANNAH. Really, I don’t think it matters. (Looking at her wet clothes.)JOHN. But you’ve no idea what a wonderful likeness there is—except of course—youlook the younger.AUNTHANNAH. Oh, no, I don’t. (Coyly.)JOHN. Oh yes you do.AUNTHANNAH. Oh, no, I don’t!JOHN. Then all is forgiven?AUNTHANNAH. Why, of course!(TULLYruns on from doorR.,seesAUNTHANNAH.)TULLY. Aunt Hannah! (Over to her, kisses her.)AUNTHANNAH. Bertie, my boy, my boy!(PAMELAenters from windows,R.C.)PAMELA. John, it’s too late; the Rajah’s gone and taken the necklace with him!JOHN. Thank heaven! And I’ll save upyourmoney and buy you another—and that’s the truth!PAMELA. But you alwaysdotell me the truth, John.JOHN. But in future I’m going to tell you better truth. And now we can go home in safety. (PAMELAandJOHNgoing up to windowR.C.) Oh, Bertram, where are you going?TULLY. I’m going to take Auntie down to the Mission.JOHN. Then, good-night!!(ExitPAMELAandJOHNwindowR.C.)AUNTHANNAH. Bertie, I’ll just go and put my bonnet on.(ExitAUNTHANNAHdoorL.)(MAMIEputs head round doorR.)MAMIE. Bertie!TULLY. Oh!MAMIE(enters and over toTULLY). I’ve got rid of the Rajah. Will you take me out to supper?TULLY. Certainly not!MAMIE. Don’t be unkind.TULLY. I couldn’t dream of such a thing.MAMIE. Oh, Bertie, why not?TULLY. I’ve promised to take Auntie down to the Mission.MAMIE. Tell Auntie you’re going on a much nicer mission. Youwillcome—say yes—Bertie! Bertie!TULLY(suddenly making up his mind to take the plunge). Oh, Fluffie!!(TULLYkissesMAMIEexcitedly. He moves head quickly to and fromMAMIE’Scheek, more like pecks than kisses.URSULAenters from doorR. AUNTHANNAHfrom doorL. PAMELAandJOHNfrom windowsR.C.All enter simultaneously and seeingTULLYkissingMAMIEthey exit simultaneously with varied exclamations and expressions.)CURTAIN.
SCENE.—A room inTULLY’Sflat. Lights out to open. A similar room in construction in every way to scene in Act I excepting that it is furnished differently. Two French windows at back opening on to balcony, doorR.leading to hall and street. DoorL.leading to bedroom. It is twilight as the curtain rises. A letter and telegram lie unopened on table aboutL.C.and a settee is placed well in view below doorL.A plan of the scenewill be found at the end of the play.URSULA, TULLY’Smaid, entersR.,switches on lights—switch above doorR.Lights go up.)
URSULA(in sombre tones). You can come h’in.
(EnterAUNTHANNAH.She is very tall and stout, old-fashioned, but a lady.)
AUNTHANNAH(entering). Thank you, thank you, (goes to chairR.of tableL.C.) thank you. (Sits.) Oh, dear me, I am glad to sit down. Phew! I only left the hospital this morning.
URSULA(standingC.). You don’t say.
AUNTHANNAH. Yes. I was in a terrible ’bus accident about three weeks ago, and I had three of my ribs broken.
URSULA. You don’t say.
AUNTHANNAH. It was my first experience of a motor ’bus too. They’re most dangerous things. Aren’t you afraid of them?
URSULA. I ain’t afraid of nothink.
AUNTHANNAH. Dear me, what courage! What courage!
URSULA(crossing toL.of tableL.C.). Take anything?
AUNTHANNAH. N-o, no thank you. I’ve had mytea.And so my nephew’s out?
URSULA. Been h’out since lunch.
AUNTHANNAH. Didn’t he say he expected me?
URSULA. About three weeks ago he mentioned your name, but not since.
AUNTHANNAH. Yes, that was when I came up from Exeter. I was coming on to see him then when I was injured in the ’bus, and they took me straight away to the hospital.
URSULA. You don’t say!
AUNTHANNAH(tapping walking-stick on floor). But Idosay. But I sent him a telegram saying I was coming to-day.
URSULA(pointing to table). Telegram.
AUNTHANNAH. Oh yes. Oh yes! Unopened?
URSULA. Come h’after the master left.
AUNTHANNAH. Oh dear! What a pity! But he’ll be home shortly, I suppose, or doesn’t he keep good respectable hours?
URSULA. Nothing to find fault with.
AUNTHANNAH. Has he any—er—lady friends?
URSULA. H’only one—h’Ag—er—ness.
AUNTHANNAH. I hope she’s a good girl.
(Noise off.PAMELA, MAMIE, JOHNandTULLYcontinuing argument loudly offR.as at end of Act II.)
Oh, what’s that?
URSULA. People next door, I suppose.
(Noise ceases.)
AUNTHANNAH(opening her cloak). Dear me! It’s close!
URSULA. Removing your things?
AUNTHANNAH. Yes, I should like to. (Rising.)
URSULA(goes to doorL.,opens door and holds door open). Bedroom this way.
AUNTHANNAH(crossing to door). How very convenient. And I find every one in London so very kind and polite.
URSULA(closing door almost onAUNTHANNAH). In there!!
(Noise off again.)
AUNTHANNAH. Thank you. Thank you!
(ExitAUNTHANNAHdoorL.)
URSULA(closes door, crosses upR.). ’Orrible neighbours—’orrible neighbours!
(ExitURSULAdoorR. TULLYappears in pyjamas, peeping through curtainsR.ofC.he steals into room and runs down to chairL.C.,looks round room.JOHNcrawls on through windowR.ofC.with blanket over him, followingTULLYon.)
TULLY. Home at last. Home at last!
JOHN. It’s all right! (Throws blanket on chair at back.) I’ve made a barricade with the geranium pots. Nobody could get over without making aterriblesmash. We should be sure to hear them.
TULLY. Good, then we’re safe for the moment. (Groans loudly.)
JOHN. Don’t make a scene! Don’t make a scene!
(Going up to window.AUNTHANNAHenters and seeingTULLYin pyjamas she gives a scream and goes off doorL.quickly.JOHNandTULLYboth start and look round the room.)
JOHN(toTULLY). Don’t do it! Don’t do it!
TULLY. I distinctly heard a woman’s voice.
JOHN(approaches window gingerly). ’Sh! Don’t make a noise. I’m listening for the flower-pots to fall.
TULLY. What will happen if Mr. Trippett and the doctor come in and find us gone?
JOHN. They dare not enter while the two women are arguing, perhaps fighting. I’m only thinking what a little cat Mamie was to come out just when everything was going so splendidly.
TULLY. Whatever induced you to run after a girl like that?
JOHN. Is there anybody in this flat?
TULLY. Only the maid.
JOHN. Well, send her out.
TULLY. She’s justbeenout.
JOHN. Never mind—send her out fifty times if it’ll only help us.
(TULLYgroans.)
Don’t give way! Don’t give way! I’ve got an idea. I’m going to cut the electric wires of the whole block of flats. I think I know where they run. Now you go and get her out of the house. Don’t lose a moment. Please go, Bertram!
(TULLYgroans and exits doorR.)
(Calling after him.) It isn’t often I ask you to do anything!
(JOHNthinks. He has a brilliant idea. Takes out his penknife and goes to wall at back, feels along wall.)
No, that’s not it. (Looks at wall below doorL.) Ah, that looks more like it. Yes. (Plunges his knife into wall, a jet of soda water comes out through rubber tube fixed in flat below door, the spout of a soda syphon is pushed in other end of rubber tube outside, and at the cue) Got it! Got it! (The water is squirted through.) Oh, damn, confound!
(JOHNimmediately places his hand over tube and with his handkerchief stops the flow of water. Syphon is removed and placed on floor ready for next squirt of water.)
TULLY. Help! Help! Help! (Heard off.)
(TULLYdashes on doorR.and slamming door holds on to handle as if besieged.)
JOHN. What’s up? What’s the matter with you?
TULLY(trembling all over). The maid doesn’t recognize me without a moustache. She thinks I’m a burglar—and she’s chasing me with a poker.
JOHN. Chasing you?
TULLY. Yes, and if this woman gets in, she’ll brain us both. Come and help, for heaven’s sake!
JOHN. I can’t let go here.
TULLY. Why not?
JOHN. I thought if I could cut the main electric cable and put out the lights next door, that the doctor and Trippett would be compelled to leave the flat—
TULLY. Good! Go on, cut the cable.
JOHN. I have tried, I have tried! And I’ve cut the water-pipe instead. It’ll flood the place.
TULLY(still holding onto door). Oh, I’d do anything to get out of this.
JOHN. For heaven’s sake don’t be so selfish, just when everything’s going so splendidly! (Still holding on to water-pipe.)
(AUNTHANNAHopens doorL.and just enters—seesJOHNandTULLYand with a cry exits hurriedly.JOHNandTULLYboth turn on each other.)
JOHN. Don’t do it!Don’t doit!
TULLY. I didn’t do anything. If you shout like that I shall have a fit in a moment.
JOHN. Well, we don’t want to stand here all night.
TULLY. Can you reach that key out of the other door?
JOHN. I’ve told you I can’t let go here.
TULLY. If this woman gets in our lives won’t be worth having.
JOHN. Whatever made you engage such a brute?
TULLY. I can’t live here alone without protection.
JOHN. What’s her name?
TULLY. Ursula!
JOHN. Ursula! Give her a month’s notice.
TULLY. No, I don’t want to lose her.
JOHN. Women—are—no—use—unless—they—are—mastered!
TULLY. I’ve always heard that it was best to avoid women who are mustard.
JOHN. Mastered—not mustard! And take off those pyjamas!
TULLY. And I ought to be playing the flute to-night down at the Mission.
JOHN. Hang your mission! I’m trying to think what I can do here. Lend me your handkerchief—I’ll plug it up with mine and then tie it up.
TULLY(waving his handkerchief). Catch! Catch!
JOHN. How can I catch from here?
(TULLYruns across with handkerchief—his pyjama trousers round his ankles—gives handkerchief toJOHN—then sits chairC.)
You’ll split those pyjamas!
TULLY(removing pyjamas). This is the most awful afternoon I’ve ever had in my life. I shall never be the same man again.
JOHN(ties up tube with handkerchief). There, that’ll hold, I think. Now, I’ll go and cover your retreat. (Crosses toR.)
TULLY(picking up telegram from tableL.C.). Oh! Here’s a telegram! Telegrams always make me feel so nervous! (Opens it and reads.) It’s from Aunt Hannah, she’s coming up to-day. I’ve been expecting her for the last three weeks. I am the only relation she has, and in order to avoid the death-duties she’s going to make a Deed of Gift to me amounting to several thousand pounds!
JOHN. Several thousand pounds! Now thatismean. Look at the trouble you’ve put me to. You might have lent me the money and so saved me a fortnight’s illness.
TULLY(rises). Will you accept the £500 from me?
JOHN. I suppose I must.
TULLY. Thatisgood of you!
JOHN. Not at all! You have such a winning way with you. One can’t help doing as you wish.
TULLY(smiles broadly). That’s taken a great load off my mind. The old lady is very generous. Directly she arrives we must both be very nice to her.
JOHN. Trust me for that. And Icanbe nice when I like.
TULLY. I know you can. But what about the ’Bus Company?
JOHN. Oh yes. I’ll get you to go back and say I withdraw my claim.
TULLY. Yes. I’d love to do that. (Picking up letter from tableL.C.)
JOHN. I’ll buy Mamie a new necklace, and tell Pam the whole truth—that Mamie is not your wife, but your little bit of fluff named Agnes.
TULLY. No, I draw the line there, Mamie’syourfluff.Youmust shoulder that responsibility.
JOHN. But you’re a single man. It doesn’t matter about you.
TULLY. Oh yes it does. I’ve got to think of my reputation down at the Mission.
JOHN. Oh, hang your mission!
TULLY. Oh, dear! (Becomes very serious as he reads letter.)
JOHN. What’s up?
TULLY. It’s a letter from the Motor ’Bus Company.
JOHN. Motor ’Bus Company?
TULLY. They’re going to sueme.
JOHN. Sueyou, what for?
TULLY. The fat woman who had three ribs broken says that I am liable—that my fall on her was premeditated and nothing to do with the accident. Oh, and listen to this. (Reading.) “Our representative will have much pleasure in calling upon you this evening at seven o’clock.”
JOHN. It’s gone seven now.
TULLY. They’re sending some one here to-night?
JOHN. Yes, who will they send—either Trippett or the doctor. They are both in the neighbourhood.
TULLY. Then they may be here at any moment!
JOHN. But this is a simple matter now you’ve got the necessary money coming in.
TULLY. But which one will they send, because it depends on that whoyouare and whoIam.
JOHN. Well, I’ll get you to creep back and tell Pam that I withdraw my claim—then, if the doctor calls you must get back in time to see him, and if Trippett calls, I’ll see Trippett.
TULLY. But that won’t helpmeout—if they are going to sue me—possibly for hundreds—I’m not going to lend you this money unless I can see a clean sheet for myself—you got me into this mess, you must get me out of it! (SitsC.and groans.)
JOHN. Youareungrateful. After all I’vedonefor you. Are you going to lend me the £500 or are you not?
TULLY. Certainly. But I didn’t fall on top of this fat woman, and I’m not going to be made to pay. You had the fun, you ought to suffer.
(JOHNcrosses toL.and rings bell, alarmed.)
What are you going to do?
JOHN. Do as you wish. I’m going to get you out of this trouble. I’ve rung for Ursula.
TULLY. Ursula!
(URSULAentersR.,holding poker at her side.TULLYbus. trying to hide his lip.)
JOHN(crosses to doorR.). Oh, er, good evening Ursula! (In his best manner.)
URSULA(abruptly). Evening!
JOHN. We want you to do us a favour, if you will?
URSULA. A favour?
JOHN. We want you to lend us some ladies’ clothes—just for an hour or so.
URSULA. What sort of clothes?
JOHN. Oh, nothing—er—white—nothing under—underhand—just super clothes—and if you do this, your master will be very much obliged to you and he’ll raise your wages.
(Bus.TULLYaghast.JOHNmotioning to him to keep quiet.)
URSULA. I’ll see—I’ll see.
(ExitURSULAdoorR.)
TULLY(rises and comes downC.). John! What are you going to do?
JOHN. I think you will acknowledge thisisan inspiration. These ’bus people think they are going to corner us, I can seetheirmove. But you and I arefartoo smart for them.
TULLY(in doubt). Are we?
JOHN. It has only just struck me,but you are the living image of the fat old lady in the ’bus!
TULLY(offended). Oh! John!
JOHN. Without the fat, of course. If you get into these clothes and pad yourself all round, no one will know the difference.
TULLY. No, I couldn’t do that. It’s illegal!
JOHN. I’m doing this to getyouout of the pickle. I’m not doing it for my own sake, please bear that in mind.
TULLY. But what good will it do?
JOHN. If the doctor or Trippett calls here, I shall say that I am Tully, that is Tully’s brother, that I have had an interview with the lady in the ’bus accident and she is strongly of opinion that the ’Bus Company is liable.
TULLY. But they’ll dispute it at once.
JOHN. Naturally—then we are prepared. I shall just bring you into the room dressed as the lady, with nothing to do but to bear out my statement.
TULLY. No, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it! (TurnsL.)
JOHN. Bertram! I have an idea—an idea that wouldn’t occurto one man in a million,
(EnterURSULA,with bundle of clothes. Crosses toJOHN.)
and you want to ignore it. Bertram! Bertram!
URSULA. Clothes! (Gives clothes toJOHNand exits doorR.)
JOHN(takes clothes). Thank you, Ursula, thank you. (Gives clothes toTULLY.) The very thing—but you’ll want a fearful lot of padding—you’re so thin. (He gathers up cushions from couch and arm-chair and pushesthem intoTULLY’Sarms.) Here we are, top-hole, beautiful padding!
TULLY. But, John, what about a bodice. I must have a bodice!
JOHN. What do you want a bodice for?
TULLY. For all this part. (Pointing to chest.)
JOHN. I’ll go and get a bodice off Ursula. Meanwhile you go into the bedroom and get into these clothes as quickly as you can. Shave your top lip clean. Don’t forget the cushions. Arrange them—diplomatically—you know—come out and go in—and all that sort of thing, and I’ll go and get the bodice.
(JOHNexits doorR.)
TULLY. I don’t know where a woman comes out and goes in!
(Stands looking round hopelessly, then goes to doorL.,opens door and is about to enter bedroom.AUNTHANNAHscreams off.TULLYshuts door quickly, rushes up to windowL.Crash of falling flower-pots heard offR. TULLYdrops clothes, etc., and rushes to doorR. MAMIEenters windowsR.C.breathless and excited.)
MAMIE. Oh, there you are, Bertie! Where’s Jack? Where is he?
TULLY(comingC.). Somewhere in the house.
MAMIE. Is there anyone else in the house besides Jack?
TULLY. Only the maid—and Bogie.
MAMIE. Bogie—who’s Bogie?
TULLY. My little dog.
MAMIE. Do you know that Mrs. Ayers still thinks I am your wife.
TULLY(wriggles and nods). Yes, I’m so sorry.
MAMIE. What?
TULLY. I mean—delighted. (Wriggles again.)
MAMIE. Oh, don’t wriggle! Things are far too serious for wriggling. You heard about the necklace that was lent to me by my friend the Rajah?
TULLY. Yes, Ihaveheard about it.
MAMIE. Then I want you, as my husband, to take the matter into your hands and tell Mrs. Ayers that unless the necklace is returned to meat once,youwill take proceedings.
TULLY. Oh, I couldn’t do that, I’ll call John. (Going to doorR.)
MAMIE(pullingTULLYback). No, don’t call John. It’s only natural if you are supposed to be my husband that you should help me in this matter. And if you don’t, you’ll get it in the neck right where the chicken got the axe. (On the verge of tears, she crosses and sitsC.,searching in her handbag for letter.) Just read this letter. It’s from the Rajah—I’ve never had such things said to me in my life—boo—boo—boo! (Crying.)
TULLY(patting back of chair). Don’t cry, child, don’t cry.
MAMIE. Where did I put it? In my bag? No! (Rising.) I remember, I put it in my dress for safety.
TULLY. Oh! oh!
MAMIE. Would you mind unhooking my dress at the back, please.
TULLY(very embarrassed). Really I’m a single man!
MAMIE. Well, these are single hooks.
TULLY(crosses to doorR.). I’ll call John!
MAMIE. Please don’t call John.
TULLY(calling through door and whistling). I must have some one in the room—Bogie! Bogie! Bogie!
MAMIE. Bertie! Bertram! Come here! (BERTRAMgoing towards her.) I want to show you something very important.
TULLY(backing away from her). I’ll take your word for it!
MAMIE. It’s the Rajah’s letter. Just the top two hooks, please—as quickly as you can. (ApproachingTULLYwith her shoulder towards him.)
TULLY. Really, I don’t understand. I’m quite a novice.
MAMIE(annoyed). You don’t want me totearthe thing off?
TULLY(advancing timidly). For heaven’s sake, don’t do that!
MAMIE. Well, pull your socks up, Bertie, and undo the top one.
(TULLYpulls up his socks.)
Whatareyou doing?
TULLY. Pulling my socks up.
MAMIE(sidling up to him). Go on, the top one.
(TULLYunfastens the top hook.)
Ah, that’s better. (Trying to get letter from bodice.) Now, the next one.
TULLY. No, no more.
MAMIE(sweetly). Now the next one.
TULLY(shaking head decisively). No more!
MAMIE. Do please, Bertie dear! Bertie darling! Bertie sweetheart!
TULLY(smiles broadly and giggles). Well, just this one. No more after that.
MAMIE. No, no more after that.
TULLY(giggles). They are nice little hooks. Shall I go any further?
MAMIE. No, not at present. (Secures letter.) I’ve got it. Just read that!
(Crash of flower-pots offR.)
It’s the Rajah! (Very frightened.)
TULLY. No, more flower-pots. (Going up to windowR.) More creepers! (In a loud whisper.) It’s Mrs. Ayers!
MAMIE. I’ll hide here and listen. Come and hide me, Bertie.
(MAMIEcrouches down at foot of tableL.C.behindTULLY. PAMELAenters windowR.)
PAMELA(coming downC.). Oh—Mr. Tully—where is John?
TULLY. He’s very busy with my maid.
PAMELA. With your maid?
TULLY. Yes, he’s trying to get some clothes off her.
PAMELA(annoyed). What?
TULLY. Trying to borrow some clothes I should say.
(JOHNenters from doorR.,seesPAMELAand exits hurriedly, MAMIEticklesTULLY’Slegs.)
PAMELA. Well, someone must come at once. Mr. Trippett refuses to leave the flat until he has seen John, and the doctor is coming round toyourdoor.
TULLY(crossing toR.towardsPAMELA). But John is going to withdraw his claim against the Company, and I’m going to tell Mr. Trippett so.
PAMELA. Then please come at once.
(TULLYandPAMELAgo up.)
MAMIE. Stop! Before you go, I’d like you to ask Mrs. Ayers to give me back my necklace. (Below tableL.C.standing.)
PAMELA. I’ve already told you, Mrs. Tully, that this necklace does not belong to you. (ToTULLY.) And please ask your wife to apologize. (Goes downR.)
TULLY(crosses toMAMIE). Miss Scott—Miss Fluff—(bangs hand on table and adopts an authoritative tone)—my wife—will you apologize?
MAMIE(round sharply toTULLY). Certainly not!
(TULLYcollapses in chair.)
You know as well as I do that that necklace doesnotbelong to Mrs. Ayers. Please ask her to return it to me.
TULLY(crosses toPAMELA). Mrs. Ayers, will you please return the necklace to Mrs.—er—Mrs. wife?
PAMELA. I shall do nothing in the matter until I’ve seen John.
TULLY(crosses toMAMIE). She will do nothing in the matter——
MAMIE(pushingTULLYup stage). Out of my way!
(TULLYwatching his opportunity, works up to window, picks up clothes and cushions and steals out by windowR.)
(MAMIEcrosses toPAMELA.) Now, Mrs. Ayers, that necklace was lent to me and its real owner is waiting at the door of your flat. If I don’t take it back to him at once you’ll have the police on your track. Am I to take it back or not?
(PAMELAhesitates.)
You refuse? You refuse?
PAMELA(hands necklace toMAMIE) Oh, very well, take it to him. (Crosses to writing-desk upL.) I don’t want a vulgar scene over a paltry thirty-shilling necklace. (Sits.)
MAMIE. Thirty shillings! That shows how muchyouknow, and also that this necklace cannot possibly beyourproperty—I’m sorry you made such a mistake. (Going up to windowR.) Thirty shillings—that’s really good—I must tell the Rajah that! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
(ExitMAMIEwindowR.,laughing loudly.)
PAMELA(rushes to doorL.,opens it). John! John!
(AUNTHANNAHscreams.PAMELAcloses door, rushes across to doorR. URSULAenters doorR.holding poker in hand and looking very formidable, she advances in a threatening manner.)
(PAMELAstarts with a little cry at sight ofURSULAand backs up to windowR.trembling with fear.)
URSULA. What are you doing ’ere? What are you doing ’ere?
PAMELA. I beg your pardon, I was looking for my husband.
URSULA. Well, he’s not ’ere. He’s not ’ere! (Loudly.)
PAMELA. No, I’m sure he wouldn’t be——
(Exit windowR.calling:“John! John!”)
(URSULAopens doorR.and beckons.)
URSULA. It’s all right. You can come in now, little man. All gone!
JOHN(entering). Thank you, Ursula, thank you! (JOHNis carrying a bodice.)
(URSULAgivesJOHNthe glad eye and exits with a little backward kick of the leg.JOHNcrosses to doorL.,opens it and throws bodice into bedroom.)
Here you are, it’s the best she’s got!
(AUNTHANNAHscreams off.)
Eh? What’s that, speak up, I can’t hear. (Crossing to doorR.)
(AUNTHANNAHenters,JOHNturns and bursts into laughter, mistakingAUNTHANNAHforTULLYin disguise.)
AUNTHANNAH. You dare not attack a woman even if youarea burglar! (With fear and anger.)
JOHN(roars with laughter). Excellent! Splendid! The very thing. I shouldn’t have known you.
AUNTHANNAH(dignified). I want to leave this house.
JOHN(still laughing loudly). Ha! Ha! Ha! You are the living image of the fat old woman in the ’bus.
AUNTHANNAH. Iamthe lady who was in the ’bus, sir, and I know you—I knowyounow. You were the coward who, to save his own skin, so cruelly tried to crush me.
JOHN(laughing). Good! Good! If you only keep it up like that you’ll be splendid.
AUNTHANNAH. I tell you, sir, I had three of my ribs broken.
JOHN(laughing). Ribs! You don’t look as if you had any ribs. You are all, cushions! (DiggingAUNTHANNAHin the ribs.) Ha! Ha! Ha!
AUNTHANNAH(screams). Oh! Oh! (Up to table.) Oh, my poor side—oh, my poor heart.
JOHN(imitating). Oh, my poor side, oh, my poor heart! Ha! Ha! Ha! Oh, don’t make me laugh! You’ve got the funniest mug I’ve ever seen. And you do “go out” and “come in” a lot, more “come in” than “go out.” (Rocks with laughter.)
AUNTHANNAH. I’m going to leave this house, sir, and if you attempt to stop me, I’ll call for the police. (Tries to passJOHN,he stops her.)
JOHN. If you jump about like that, your clothes will fall off.
AUNTHANNAH. Ouch! Ouch! (Turns up stage.)
JOHN. Oh! You ought to see your back view! Ha! Ha!
AUNTHANNAH. How dare you! How dare you!
(Bell rings offR.)
JOHN(over toAUNTHANNAH). Hark, that may be our man. Pull yourself together.
AUNTHANNAH. Don’t you touch me!
JOHN. Stop it, you idiot. Don’t forget if that’s the doctor, you’re here to discuss the ’bus accident with me. Now, go into that bedroom, and don’t come out till I call you!
AUNTHANNAH. I wish to leave this house.
JOHN(opens doorL.and is pushingAUNTHANNAHoff gradually). Come on, don’t play the giddy ox. (Pushes her into bedroom.) Kennel! Kennel!
AUNTHANNAH. Don’t you touch me! How dare you! Oh—o—o—oh!
(Exit.)
(JOHNbangs the door after her.URSULAenters doorR.)
JOHN. What is it? What is it?
URSULA. Dr. Bigland to see the master.
JOHN. Dr. Bigland! Good! Show him in!
(ExitURSULAdoorR.)
JOHN. Who am I now? I know, I’m Tully. No, I’m not, I’m Tully’s brother, Tully’s twin brother. (StandsC.,braces himself up and removes moustache.)
URSULA(enters, announcing). Dr. Bigland!
DOCTOR(enters—URSULAexits). Yes. I expected something of this kind.
JOHN(reserves mock dignity). I haven’t the pleasure of your acquaintance.
DOCTOR. You are Mr. Tully.
JOHN. Tully is my name.
DOCTOR. Hadn’t I the pleasure of meeting you a short while ago next door?
JOHN. No, that was my brother.
DOCTOR. Your brother? Good heavens! What a likeness!
JOHN. Yes, we’re often mistaken for each other. If the true facts of the case were known I believe we were very nearly twins.
DOCTOR. Remarkable! I apologize.
JOHN. Not at all. But didn’t my brother tell you it was my brother? I mean, didn’t he tell you it was me?
DOCTOR. He said it was his brother who was in the motor ’bus accident.
JOHN. Quite correct.
DOCTOR. The object of my visit is in reference to that matter.
JOHN. Will you take a seat?
DOCTOR. I thank you. (Sits by tableL.C.) Now, as regards yourself. At the time of the accident there was a lady in the ’bus who had three ribs broken, and we understand that this was caused by your fall on top of the lady.
JOHN. Yes, but I make no claim against the lady.
DOCTOR. No, but the lady wishes to make a claim against you.
JOHN. I don’t think so. The lady herself is here, now, and quite ready to deny your allegations against me. (Goes to doorL.)
(DOCTORrises, places hat on chair he has been sitting on and goesR.)
You can come in!
(AUNTHANNAHenters with timid little jerks.)
(Aside toAUNTHANNAH). It’s the doctor.
AUNTHANNAH(tearfully). Oh! O-h-h! It’s Dr. Bigland. (Crosses to doctor.)
(JOHNrubs hands with great satisfaction.)
DOCTOR. Now, my dear lady, calm yourself; remember what I told you, you must keep calm.
JOHN. You see, the poor woman’s nerves are shattered, and all through riding in your beastly ’buses. (Signals toAUNTHANNAHto be quiet, to which she pays no heed.)
DOCTOR(to AUNTHANNAH). You know thisgentlemanwho was in the ’bus accident with you?
AUNTHANNAH. Yes, and I live in fear of him.
DOCTOR. That’s quite all right. There’s nothing to be frightened of. Now sit down, sit down and compose yourself.
(AUNTHANNAHbacks up to chairC.,is about to sit onDOCTOR’Shat.DOCTORrushes up and snatches hat away.) Ah! (Shouts.) Not on my hat! (Places hat on table downR.)
(AUNTHANNAHjumps up onDOCTOR’Sshout, throws arms roundJOHN’Sneck.JOHNpushes her into chairC.)
AUNTHANNAH. Oh dear, dear, dear! O-h-h!
DOCTOR. Now I understand you wish to thrash out this matter of the accident.
(Taking notebook from pocket.)
JOHN(crosses toDOCTOR). Yes, we are both desirous that it should be cleared up, aren’t we?
AUNTHANNAH. Doctor,Iam.
JOHN(looks overDOCTOR’Sshoulder and watches him writing). Will you begin?
DOCTOR. No, I will not begin. I will hear what the lady has to say and make my report.
JOHN. Good! (Signalling toAUNTHANNAH.) Well—er—madam—the Doctor and I have been discussing the matter, and he is under the impression that you think thatIam to blame for the injury you have suffered. Now I want you to prove to him that such is not the case.
AUNTHANNAH. But itisthe case.
(JOHNstarts.)
The Doctor is quite right!
(DOCTORmakes notes.JOHNbus. shaking his head atAUNTHANNAHand signalling.)
JOHN. I say, the Doctor thinks that I was to blame, and I want you to deny this scandalous accusation. (Signals.)
AUNTHANNAH. I can’t deny it.
JOHN. But you don’t understand.
AUNTHANNAH. I beg to state that Idounderstand.
(AUNTHANNAHholds finger up.JOHNsmacks her hand.)
JOHN(frowning and signalling). Let me explain. A short while ago when you and I were discussing this matter, you agreed with me that the ’Bus Company and they alone were responsible for your injuries.
AUNTHANNAH. I did not agree with you in any way! It’s a wicked falsehood.
DOCTOR. Exactly as I thought.
JOHN(toAUNTHANNAH). You silly fool! Oh, I beg your pardon—think—think—didn’t you distinctly say you were going to sue the ’Bus Company?
(Nodding“Yes”toAUNTHANNAH.)
AUNTHANNAH(rising and crossing to couchL.). I don’t remember discussing the matter with you at all, sir.
JOHN. Then the accident must have affected your memory. (Aside toAUNTHANNAH.) You half-witted idiot, you’ll spoil everything.
AUNTHANNAH. And abuse will certainly not make me alter my decision.
DOCTOR(crossingC.). Now, my dear lady, you are firmly of the opinion that the injury you sustained was due to the premeditated action of this gentleman when riding on one of the Company’s vehicles?
AUNTHANNAH. That is my case exactly.
(DOCTORmakes notes, JOHNfrantic.)
DOCTOR. Very well. And the amount of damages you claim?
AUNTHANNAH. I claim—(JOHNthreatens her with his fist). I claim—I——
DOCTOR. I claim! I claim! What do you claim?
AUNTHANNAH. I claim— (JOHNthreatens her.) Five hundred pounds!
DOCTOR. Five hundred pounds. (DOCTORwrites in book.)
(JOHNin a fury is threatening to strikeAUNTHANNAH. DOCTORturns and catches him—they both bow.DOCTORwrites in book again.JOHNbangs back of couch.AUNTHANNAHstarts with a shriek.DOCTORstarts also.)
DOCTOR. Now, sir, are you prepared in any way to accept this liability?
JOHN(right up toDOCTOR,furiously). No—most certainly not!
DOCTOR(closing book and crossingR.) Then there’s nothing more to be said.
JOHN(crossing toDOCTOR). Oh yes there is, I’m a little smarter than you imagine, and I can tell you something. That isn’t a woman you’ve been talking to, that’s a man!
(AUNTHANNAHvery indignant.DOCTORlaughs.)
Oh, you can laugh, you can laugh, but I canproveit.
(AUNTHANNAHscreams, very nervous.)
DOCTOR. You can do what, sir?
JOHN. Prove it!
DOCTOR. Not in my presence, you don’t!
(DOCTORexits hurriedly.)
(JOHNrushes to doorR.and with his back against it glares atAUNTHANNAH.)
AUNTHANNAH(rising in terror). Don’t you look at me like that, sir. Don’t you look at me like that!
JOHN. Take off those pads.
AUNTHANNAH. Pads!
JOHN. Take off those pads!
AUNTHANNAH. I don’t wear pads.
JOHN(advancing onAUNTHANNAH). You cheat! You dirty little turncoat—to make a fool of me like that.
AUNTHANNAH(jumping round tableL.C.toR.). Don’t you touch me, sir. Don’t you touch me!
JOHN. Take off those rags, or I’ll thrash you! (Grabs at her skirt, which he tears off, leavingAUNTHANNAHin a very pronounced petticoat.JOHNpushesAUNTHANNAHtill she falls on to couch downL.)
(EnterPAMELAfrom windowR.C.)
PAMELA. John! John! I’m surprised at you—treating a woman like that.
(Crosses toAUNTHANNAH,kneeling by her.)
JOHN. A woman! (Gazes intoAUNTHANNAH’Sface.) Oh, good lor’, it’s a woman!
(Sinks into chairR.of tableL.C.)
PAMELA. Yes, a woman. There, there, calm yourself, calm yourself. (ToJOHN.) Mr. Tully told me you were trying to get clothes off someone!
JOHN. Where—is—TULLY?
PAMELA. I left him in our flat. He was telling Mr. Trippett that you withdraw your claim. John, she’s fainted! (Rises—looks round.) Get some water, get some water, John. (PAMELAgoes up behind tableL.C.looking for water.)
JOHN. I haven’t the faintest idea where to get water—I don’t know this beastly flat—(Suddenly thinks of water-spout.) Ah! I know. Stand back. Pam—stand back!
(Gets hold of tube water-spout.JOHNtakes the plugged handkerchief from wall and the water-pipe squirts directly on toAUNTHANNAH’Sface.JOHNplugs the pipe again and crosses toAUNTHANNAH,assisting her to rise.AUNTHANNAH,when water falls on her, screams and makes movement with arms as if swimming.)
JOHN. Why, who are you?
AUNTHANNAH. I’m Mr. Tully’s aunt.
JOHN. Mr. Tully’s aunt!
AUNTHANNAH. Yes, I am Aunt Hannah!
JOHN. Aunt Hannah! Go and look after her, Pam.
(PAMELApicks upAUNTHANNAH’Sskirt and assistsAUNTHANNAHoff doorL. AUNTHANNAHmuttering until off.)
(ExitAUNTHANNAHandPAMELAdownL.)
JOHN(dazed, and gazing at door). Another five hundred gone.
TULLY(off, windowR.C.). Everything’s going splendidly! Everything’s going splendidly!
(TULLYenters windowsR.C.,comes right downC.and faces audience. He is dressed in woman’s clothes which are much too big for him and is padded out with the cushions.)
JOHN(looks up—seesTULLY). Take it away! Take it away! You’re too late!
TULLY. Don’t I look all right?
JOHN. All right? You look more like a goat than a woman!
TULLY. I thought I looked like a little bit of fluff. What’s happened? (Turns toJOHN.)
JOHN. Do you realize that the stout—lady—in the ’bus accidentwas—your—aunt!!!
TULLY(going up toJOHN). The fat woman was Aunt Hannah? How do you know this? How do you know this?
JOHN. Because she is here now—in your bedroom.
TULLY. Really. You’ve seen her?
(JOHNnods.)
Have you been very nice to the old lady?
JOHN. Nice! You should have seen what I did to her!
TULLY. Oh, it’s not as bad as all that surely?
(EnterPAMELA. TULLYpicks up skirts and dashes off doorR.)
PAMELA(laughing). What’s that?
JOHN(crossing toPAMELA). That’s Tully; I think he’s gone mad.
PAMELA(crossingR.). And so has Mrs. Tully. Do you know she swore the pearl necklace you gave me belonged to her?
JOHN. Did she really?
PAMELA. Yes. I can’t help laughing. I gave it to her.
JOHN(starting). You gave her the necklace.
PAMELA(laughing). Yes. I certainly didn’t want a scene with a woman like that.
(JOHNgoes mad with delight, dances downL.)
JOHN. Ha! Ha! You gave it to her. You gave it to her. Then the Rajah’s got it back again—the Rajah’s got it back again.
PAMELA. Don’t give way, John.
JOHN. Ha! Ha! I must give way. (Still dancing.)
PAMELA. But you don’t knowwhatI gave her. I didn’t give her therealnecklace. (JOHNstops dancing.) I was wearing theimitationone that cost thirty shillings.
JOHN(his spirits down to zero). You gave her the imitation one?
PAMELA. Yes.
JOHN. Are you sure?
PAMELA. Yes, I have the real one here. It has a crown on the clasp. (Shows necklace.) See! (She realizes her mistake.) John! John! I’ve—I’ve givenher therealone—I remember now—I changed it at mother’s. Ididchange it. John, I’ve given her therealnecklace! (Bursts into tears and sitsR.C.)
JOHN(dances all round the room with joy, then over toPAMELA). There, there, dear, don’t go mad. It can’t be helped. We all make mistakes.
PAMELA. Something must be done. This will kill mother.
JOHN. We must chance that.
PAMELA(starting up). Couldn’t Mr. Tully get the necklace back for me?
JOHN. No, impossible!
PAMELA. Impossible, why?
JOHN(takesPAMELA’Sarm confidentially). I’ll tell you a secret, Pam, Tully’s a wrong ’un.
PAMELA. A wrong ’un?
JOHN. Yes, he’s a dark horse. And I’ll tell you something else. That isn’tMrs.Tully; that’s Tully’s little weakness. He calls her Agnes, and that’s the type of man Mr. Tully is.
PAMELA(with a knowing nod of the head). I had my suspicions. Then perhaps there’s time for me to catch her before she finds the Rajah. (She rushes off windowsR.C.)
JOHN. Come back, Pam. Come back!
(ExitPAMELA.)
(EnterAUNTHANNAHdoorL.,without her hat.)
AUNTHANNAH. Where is my nephew, sir? Where is my nephew?
JOHN. Ah, Aunt Hannah! He’s afraid to meet you until you forgive me for all I’ve done. There’s been a most absurd mistake caused by your likeness to Bertram. If you’ll only let me explain.
AUNTHANNAH. Really, I don’t think it matters. (Looking at her wet clothes.)
JOHN. But you’ve no idea what a wonderful likeness there is—except of course—youlook the younger.
AUNTHANNAH. Oh, no, I don’t. (Coyly.)
JOHN. Oh yes you do.
AUNTHANNAH. Oh, no, I don’t!
JOHN. Then all is forgiven?
AUNTHANNAH. Why, of course!
(TULLYruns on from doorR.,seesAUNTHANNAH.)
TULLY. Aunt Hannah! (Over to her, kisses her.)
AUNTHANNAH. Bertie, my boy, my boy!
(PAMELAenters from windows,R.C.)
PAMELA. John, it’s too late; the Rajah’s gone and taken the necklace with him!
JOHN. Thank heaven! And I’ll save upyourmoney and buy you another—and that’s the truth!
PAMELA. But you alwaysdotell me the truth, John.
JOHN. But in future I’m going to tell you better truth. And now we can go home in safety. (PAMELAandJOHNgoing up to windowR.C.) Oh, Bertram, where are you going?
TULLY. I’m going to take Auntie down to the Mission.
JOHN. Then, good-night!!
(ExitPAMELAandJOHNwindowR.C.)
AUNTHANNAH. Bertie, I’ll just go and put my bonnet on.
(ExitAUNTHANNAHdoorL.)
(MAMIEputs head round doorR.)
MAMIE. Bertie!
TULLY. Oh!
MAMIE(enters and over toTULLY). I’ve got rid of the Rajah. Will you take me out to supper?
TULLY. Certainly not!
MAMIE. Don’t be unkind.
TULLY. I couldn’t dream of such a thing.
MAMIE. Oh, Bertie, why not?
TULLY. I’ve promised to take Auntie down to the Mission.
MAMIE. Tell Auntie you’re going on a much nicer mission. Youwillcome—say yes—Bertie! Bertie!
TULLY(suddenly making up his mind to take the plunge). Oh, Fluffie!!
(TULLYkissesMAMIEexcitedly. He moves head quickly to and fromMAMIE’Scheek, more like pecks than kisses.URSULAenters from doorR. AUNTHANNAHfrom doorL. PAMELAandJOHNfrom windowsR.C.All enter simultaneously and seeingTULLYkissingMAMIEthey exit simultaneously with varied exclamations and expressions.)
CURTAIN.