L
LORD B.—Phyllis, my own!
P
PHYLLIS—How dare you! But perhaps you are the Freight Agent—or the General Passenger Agent.
L
LORD B.—I am—the latter.
P
PHYLLIS—How did you secure the distinction?
L
LORD B.—To be frank, because everybody was rushing for positions on the Alton, and they left the post uncovered. I have held the place a long time.
P
PHYLLIS—Because nobody else would have it?
L
LORD B.—Not so much that as because now the Alton has run our business down so, there is no money to pay salaries with, and I am willing to wait for mine. The stockholders appreciate my kindness.
(EnterLord See Eyear.)
L
LORD S.—Dearest Phyllis! (Embraces her.)
P
PHYLLIS—The Freight Agent! Well, have you settled? Have you settled which of you it is to be?
L
LORD S.—It isn't quite settled. We tossed for it, but we did it in a saloon where the dice always threw sixes. We got hold of the proprietor's private set. Suppose we leave the choice to you?
P
PHYLLIS—How can it possibly concern me? You are both railway officials. You both get everything but your salaries, and I don't see where I am to choose. If one of you will throw up your share in your so-called railway, and admit the Alton to be, what it is, the first line in the world, I might perhaps take time to consider.
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
L
LORD B.— We are too jealous to admit that, although we know it. The only resort now is for one of us to give way to the other. Perhaps, on the whole, she would be happier with me.
L
LORD S.— The chances are in your favor. The one difficulty which remains is, that if you rob me of the girl I love I must kill you. I shall give you a pass over my railroad.
L
LORD B.— (Shrieks with fright)—Not that! Not that! (Bursts into tears.)
L
LORD S.— I think you are right,—the sacrifice is too great. The sacred ties of friendship will not permit the wanton cruelties suggested, between men who love each other as we do. (They embrace.)
(EnterCounselor,very sorrowful.)
C
COUNSELOR—(Recitative.)
Love unrequited robs me of my rest,Although the Alton Line is still victorious;But in a song to tell my woes is best,If you, kind friends, will join me in the chorius.
Love unrequited robs me of my rest,Although the Alton Line is still victorious;But in a song to tell my woes is best,If you, kind friends, will join me in the chorius.
SONG.
When on some snide road, with a terrible load,and an engine not up to an Alton one,You lie ill at ease, in a berth filled with fleas, all readyto make an assault on one,With your mind in a pother on this, that, and t' other,Because, in your doubt and perplexity,You travel'd this way, while happy as playGoes the Chicago & Alton just next t' ye.Then the counterpane tickles—you feel like mixed pickles,Your pillow as hard as a bullet,And your sheet is so small it wont cover at all,No matter 'tis which way you pull it;Then you rave, and you swear, and tear out your hair,With none but yourself to lay fault on,And swear by the Heaven, if once you're forgiven,To abjure all lines but the Alton.
When on some snide road, with a terrible load,and an engine not up to an Alton one,You lie ill at ease, in a berth filled with fleas, all readyto make an assault on one,With your mind in a pother on this, that, and t' other,Because, in your doubt and perplexity,You travel'd this way, while happy as playGoes the Chicago & Alton just next t' ye.
Then the counterpane tickles—you feel like mixed pickles,Your pillow as hard as a bullet,And your sheet is so small it wont cover at all,No matter 'tis which way you pull it;Then you rave, and you swear, and tear out your hair,With none but yourself to lay fault on,And swear by the Heaven, if once you're forgiven,To abjure all lines but the Alton.
L
LORD B.—I am much distresst to find you so sad.
C
COUNSELOR— I am; I acknowledge it. It is my double capacity which does it. I am her guardian and her suitor. In my latter capacity I am overawed by my duty in my other capacity. It unnerves me.
L
LORD S.— It is hard. Just think of having two capacities. Let us be truly thankful that we have no capacity at all. But take courage; nothing that I ever heard of daunted a Chicago & Alton Railroad official.
C
COUNSELOR— That is true, and I will be resigned.[Exeunt.
EnterPhyllis.
P
PHYLLIS—Strephon!
S
STREPHON— Phyllis! But I forgot. I suppose I should, madam—— let me see,—what name have you decided upon?
P
PHYLLIS— I haven't quite made up my mind. You see,Ihaven't any mother to advise me.
S
STREPHON—No! I have.
P
PHYLLIS—Yes, a veryyoungmother.
S
STREPHON— Not very—a couple of centuries or so.
P
PHYLLIS—She wears well.
S
STREPHON— Of course she does. She was born and reared on the C. & A. line. Besides, she's a fairy.
P
PHYLLIS—I beg your pardon—a what?
S
STREPHON—A fairy. I've no longer a reason to conceal the truth.
P
PHYLLIS— That would account for a good many things. Fairies nowadays are rather indiscreet. I suppose you are a fairy, too.
S
STREPHON—I'm half a fairy and half a mortal.
P
PHYLLIS—Not very substantial. But why didn't you tell me?
S
STREPHON— I thought I might get myself disliked. There's no use loving half a man.
P
PHYLLIS— Better that than to love a whole man, as they go nowadays. Forgive me.
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
S
STREPHON— Think of the difficulties. My grandmother looks quite as young as my mother. So do all my aunts.
P
PHYLLIS— Then, if I catch you kissing the chambermaid, I shall know she's only a relative in disguise.
S
STREPHON—In that case, I will forgive you.
P
PHYLLIS— Then we will be married at once. I will attend to the fairies afterward. But how about your mother?
I
IOLANTHE— (Entering.)—The old lady is here, and blesses you, my children,—or words to that effect.
S
STREPHON—But how about her guardian?
I
IOLANTHE— There is but one thing to do. I have been married to him for some years now. He is Strephon's father.
S
STREPHON—At last! I am a wise child.
I
IOLANTHE— And being his wife, I will assume my domestic duties. Have you a club handy?
C
COUNSELOR— (Enters jubilant)—It's settled! Victory! victory! I put the case plainly to myself, although I must confess that when I addressed so important a personage as the legal adviser of the Chicago & Alton Railroad, I did so with many feelings of doubt in my mind. However, I took courage and pleaded my cause well. I said to myself, with the respect with which I always address myself, you are the legal adviser of the greatest railroad in the country, and, as such, you should not hesitate to exercise yourdroits de seigneurand take the girl from all competitors. I was bound to admit the force of my own argument, and so won my case. I shall marry the girl without delay. There is nothing to stand in the way.
I
IOLANTHE—(Comes down.)—Excepting a mere trifle.
C
COUNSELOR— And that is—but who are you? (Starts.) Ah! Thou livest, Iolanthe?
I
IOLANTHE— Never say die is the motto of the Alton Line. (She falls into his arms.)
Q
QUEEN— (Iolanthe kneels to her.)—
Once more thy vows are broken,The Fates thy doom has spoken. (EnterEverybody.)
Once more thy vows are broken,The Fates thy doom has spoken. (EnterEverybody.)
L
LEILA— Hold! If Iolanthe must die, so must we all, for we are equally guilty.
Q
QUEEN—Equally guilty! (All kneel.)
L
LORD S.— Pardon them. They could not help it. The ancient traditions surrounding railway officials were too much for them, and they married us.
Q
QUEEN— The traditions of our tribe must be imperative. They who marry mortals must die. There is no going back on the statutes.
C
COUNSELOR— Hold! I haven't been helping the public to obey the law all these years for nothing. Let me give your statute a whirl. (Looks it over.) Easy enough. Make it read that every fairy who marries outside the Alton Road shall die.
Q
QUEEN— Good idea. (Does it.) And now where's Willis?
W
WILLIS—Tickets, please.
Q
QUEEN— Yes, for the matrimonial line. How would you like to be a fairy ticket-taker?
W
WILLIS—On the Chicago & Alton?
Q
QUEEN—That is the statute.
W
WILLIS— It is one of the oldest traditions of this road that none of its employés can possibly be ill-bred, particularly to a lady. I am yours.
Q
QUEEN— And now the only way to save our tribe from annihilation is for all you gentlemen to obey the law. Remember that any fairy who marries other than a Chicago & Alton man must die. (All shudder.)
S
STREPHON— And I, being in the Alton Road, will immediately employ you all and absorb all your lines. It was bound to come to that sooner or later.
C
COUNSELOR— The old wife is better than no wife, so here we all go to fairyland.
(The Alton uniform instantly covers them all, and their haggard, care-worn expressions are replaced by the happy, seraphic looks of men who habitually work for the C. & A. R. R.)
[Illustration]
FINIS
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