AParodyonPatience

•A♦Trip♦to♦Niagara♦Falls•

"Come, May, come, Nellie; hurry up. Deacon Fitney will be here directly and the train starts directly."

The voice was that of Mr. Trevellyan, a thoroughly well-known and highly respected stock broker of the City of Chicago. Mr. Trevellyan was a hard-working man, and his various affairs did not give him much opportunity of absenting himself from his business. But to-day had been laid out as a holiday for the babies, and papa Trevellyan had made up his mind to take part in it.

After a good deal of family discussion [these things generally involve more or less of that sort of thing] it was finally decided to make a trip to Niagara Falls and back. So a party was made up which was to consist of Mr. and Mrs. Trevellyan, the two children and a good-hearted Deacon Fitney, who was well acquainted with the way to "do" the Falls properly.

The day was, as I have just said, a bright one, even for the month of June, and both May and Nellie, in anticipation of a pleasant time, were not long in putting on their things and repairing to the parlor.

It was well they hurried. There was papa, valise in hand, ready to start; mamma, too, and nothing seemed to be wanting but the presence of Deacon Fitney, who had gone off to secure the railway tickets, and who promised to return at once with a carriage and accompany the whole party to the train. The Deacon was not long in coming back. He was a good man in his way, was the Deacon. He had only one fault—he was unreasonably fond of Buttons!He adorned his apparel with more buttons than even the law requires, and he wore a nice gold headed button on his neatly tied satin scarf. Nobody could ever find out what prompted this peculiarity, but then nobody seemed to care very much. However, as I said before, the Deacon came back very quickly and helped get things in the carriage.

"By the way, Deacon," said Mr. Trevellyan, "what time do we start and which way do we go? You know I have left everything of that kind to you."

"Four-thirty," said the Deacon, in a cheerful sort of way, "and by the Michigan Central Railroad. It is the only way to go. But never mind about the advantages to be gained by going over this remarkable route. I will tell you all about it when we get on the train."

And so they bundled into the carriage, and within a few minutes the entire party was seated in one of the magnificent palace cars which are attached to the Michigan Central Limited Express.

"All aboard!" shouted the conductor. "We're off," smiled the Deacon. The big clock in the depot struck the half after four, and the magnificent train composed of five sleepers, three coaches, a palace dining car and a couple of baggage cars, slowly pulled out of the station.

May and Nellie glued their noses to the window, and their delight as they whizzed through the beautiful suburbs of South Chicago, seemed unbounded. With Lake Michigan, tranquil and glittering with the rays of a summer sun, on one side, and a succession of lovely suburban residences on the other, the sight was a most lovely one. A few minutes later the train was flying through green fields and beautiful woods.

"Here, children," suddenly cried the Deacon from the other side of the car, "come quick and see the magic city of Pullman." In a minute May was onone of the Deacon's knees and Nellie on the other, and the train passed rapidly by the most wonderful evidence of modern enterprise.

"Three years ago," said the Deacon, in answer to an enquiring look of admiration in the children's eyes, "the ground on which stands this most beautiful city, which is without doubt the model city of the world, was nothing but a swamp. See what it is now. Some day, when we get back home, I will bring you here and let you learn more closely what the creator of the beautiful place which bears the name of Pullman has done for his country."

A minute later the train flew past Kensington, and then fairly started on its iron way for its first stopping place, Michigan City, better known as the City of Sand. Then came Niles, with its wonderful bridge and its fairy valley. Then Kalamazoo, the biggest village in the world, and the flower bed of creation. Then Marshall, Battle Creek and Jackson, the latter place the centre of railway industry of the beautiful State of Michigan. Then Ann Arbor, where is situated the University of the State of Michigan, and then, last, but not least, Detroit.

By this time, of course, the babies had been tucked in bed. The Deacon had taken them into the dining car and feasted them with all the inexhaustible luxuries for which these cars on the Michigan Central R.R. are so famous.

Then the colored porter having made up their beds they were soon fast asleep and dreaming of the treat in store for the morrow.

The Deacon, however, was determined at least that his grown-up friends should lose none of the beauties of the trip, and so he insisted that Mr. and Mrs. Trevellyan should remain up until they had crossed the famous Detroit River. The night was a beautiful one, and they were amply rewarded by witnessing one of the most thoroughly picturesque pieces of scenery in the world. The entire train was placed on one of the immense ferry steamers, and the landing shortlyafterwards made at Windsor, a picturesque and quaint little town on the Canadian side of the river. At this point commences the Canada Southern Division of the Michigan Central Railroad, famous alike for the magnificence of its equipment and smoothness of track. Here our friends, so to speak, turned in, and it was only a few minutes before every one on board was fast asleep.

The next thing was the morning sun and Niagara Falls. The run had been made from Chicago in the remarkable time of fifteen hours.

"Oh, how good of you, Deacon Fitney," said little May a short while later, as standing on a verandah of Joe —— House, she gazed with rapture at the Falls in all their splendor; "how good of you to bring us to such a nice place and by such a delightful road."

"I am glad you like it," said the Deacon, with a smile; "but you must not credit me with too much goodness, for I could hardly have brought you by any other way. The Michigan Central road is the only direct road running to the Falls, and you could hardly expect that I could take you there by any line which is not entirely the best."

Mr. and Mrs. Trevellyan heartily joined May in her expressions of thanks to the Deacon, and more than endorsed every word he had said in praise of the wonderful Michigan Central Limited Express.

They spent the day at the Falls—a day of merry sunshine and happiness. The Falls never looked grander and nature never smiled with more sweetness. The time passed only too quickly, and when the children stepped on the cars once more to return to Chicago it was with a twinge of regret which was only offset by the knowledge that they had another delightful trip in store for them on the Michigan Central Road.

Now May has the following time table hung up among her pictures on thewall in her bed room. She says it serves to remind her of one of the happiest days of her life. Above it, in a baby's handwriting, she has scrawled:

"THE ONLY WAY TO GO EAST FROM CHICAGO IS BY THE MICHIGAN CENTRAL R.R."

Train No. 10.—Fast New York Express.—Leaves ChicagoEVERY DAYat 4.30 p. m. and consists of one First Class Smoking Car, one First Class Day Coach, oneDining Carandthree Palace Sleeping Cars, running on following time:

[1]Does not arrive on Sunday.

[2]Does not arrive on Monday.

This train, leaving Chicago one hour later than heretofore, makes a much surer connection with Western lines.

The Smoking Car, Day Coach and one Sleeping Car run through to Buffalo via M. C.; one Sleeping Car runs through to Toronto via M. C. and Credit Valley Railways; one Sleeping Car runs through to New York via M. C. and N. Y. C. The Dining Car serves dinner out of Chicago at 5 o'clock; train arrives in Buffalo in good season for breakfast.

This train has attached at Detroit a Through Sleeping Car from St. Louis to New York, via W., St. L. & P., M. C. and N. Y. C., that makes quicker through time than any other line; and also a Sleeping Car from Detroit to Syracuse that is placed in Detroit depot about 9 p. m. Passengers can enter their berths any time after that hour.

Connects with Grand Trunk trains in Detroit.

Connection with Pullman Car for New York and Philadelphia, via Erie, leaving Buffalo at 9.15 a. m., and also with Buffalo, New York and Philadelphia, leaving at 8.20 a. m.

Connects at Albany with through sleeper for Boston via B. & A., leaving at 8.40 p. m.

No second class passengers are carried on this train.

NOTE.—No extra charge is made on Michigan Central Fast Express.

May's advice is very excellent. She says the Michigan Central is the best road in the United States and she knows what she is talking about.

WM. S. EATON, Treasurer.J. C. CONVERSE, President.National Tube Works Company;MANUFACTURERS OF WROUGHT IRON LAP-WELDEDBOILER TUBES AND PIPE,FOR STEAM, WATER AND GAS.ALSO,DRY PIPE, CASING, TUBING AND SPECIAL PIPE FOR CONDUCTING WATER LONGDISTANCES.CONVERSE'S PATENT LOCK-JOINT FOR WATER AND GAS MAINS.SOLE MANUFACTURERS OF THENational Semi-Steel Locomotive Boiler TubeANDMack's Locomotive Injector.OFFICES:Chicago, Ill.,159 and 161 Lake Street.BOSTON, NEW YORK, PHILADELPHIA, PITTSBURGH, McKEESPORT, BRADFORD, PA.

WM. S. EATON, Treasurer.

J. C. CONVERSE, President.

National Tube Works Company;MANUFACTURERS OF WROUGHT IRON LAP-WELDEDBOILER TUBES AND PIPE,FOR STEAM, WATER AND GAS.

ALSO,DRY PIPE, CASING, TUBING AND SPECIAL PIPE FOR CONDUCTING WATER LONGDISTANCES.

CONVERSE'S PATENT LOCK-JOINT FOR WATER AND GAS MAINS.

SOLE MANUFACTURERS OF THENational Semi-Steel Locomotive Boiler TubeANDMack's Locomotive Injector.

OFFICES:

Chicago, Ill.,

159 and 161 Lake Street.BOSTON, NEW YORK, PHILADELPHIA, PITTSBURGH, McKEESPORT, BRADFORD, PA.

RAILROAD AND BUSINESS DESKSA SPECIALTY.80The above represents our New Pattern, both Low and High Curtain.We make the onlyOPERA CHAIRTHAT WILL NOT BREAK.FOLDINGCHURCH SEATS,Same Principle.Reference Given.Improvements Patented.84ROUND ENDS, LOW CURTAIN.Best Goods, Lowest Prices.ALL GOODS WARRANTED.CALL OR SEND FOR CATALOGUE.AMERICAN STORE STOOL CO.,246 Wabash Avenue, CHICAGO, ILL.

RAILROAD AND BUSINESS DESKSA SPECIALTY.

The above represents our New Pattern, both Low and High Curtain.

We make the onlyOPERA CHAIRTHAT WILL NOT BREAK.

FOLDINGCHURCH SEATS,Same Principle.

Reference Given.

Improvements Patented.

ROUND ENDS, LOW CURTAIN.

Best Goods, Lowest Prices.

ALL GOODS WARRANTED.CALL OR SEND FOR CATALOGUE.

AMERICAN STORE STOOL CO.,246 Wabash Avenue, CHICAGO, ILL.

ESTABLISHED1851.INCORPORATED1868.THE YALE & TOWNE MFG. CO.ENGINEERS.HENRY R. TOWNE, Prest.OWNING AND OPERATINGTHE YALE LOCK MANUFACTURING CO.THE EMERY SCALE CO.THE WESTON CRANE CO.SOLE MAKERS OFTHE "YALE" LOCKS,For All Uses where Great Security Is Desired.RIM AND MORTISENIGHT LATCHES,DEAD LOCKS,FRONT DOORANDVESTIBULE SETS,OFFICE LOCKS,CABINET LOCKS FOR ALL PURPOSES.FULL SIZE OF KEY.THE "STANDARD" LOCKS.A Complete Line of Mortise Locks, particularly adapted for Inner Doors.Night Latches,Dead Locks,Knob Locks,Cabinet Locks,Front Door Locks,Vestibule Latches,Sliding Door Locks.THE "STANDARD" SPRING PADLOCKS,Cast Bronze, with Nickel-Plated Steel Keys and Brass Tumblers.Six sizes—one inch to two and one-fourth inches.ALSO, SOLE MANUFACTURERS OFWESTON'S PAT. DIFFERENTIAL PULLEY BLOCKSANDCRANES OF ALL TYPES.PRINCIPAL OFFICE AND WORKS: STAMFORD, CONNECTICUT.Western Office, CHICAGO, 64 Lake Street.New York Office, 62 Reade St.Boston Office, 224 Franklin St.Philadelphia Office, 507 Market St.SPECIAL CATALOGUES SENT ON APPLICATION.

ESTABLISHED1851.

INCORPORATED1868.

THE YALE & TOWNE MFG. CO.ENGINEERS.HENRY R. TOWNE, Prest.

OWNING AND OPERATINGTHE YALE LOCK MANUFACTURING CO.THE EMERY SCALE CO.THE WESTON CRANE CO.

SOLE MAKERS OFTHE "YALE" LOCKS,For All Uses where Great Security Is Desired.

RIM AND MORTISENIGHT LATCHES,DEAD LOCKS,FRONT DOORANDVESTIBULE SETS,OFFICE LOCKS,CABINET LOCKS FOR ALL PURPOSES.

FULL SIZE OF KEY.

THE "STANDARD" LOCKS.

A Complete Line of Mortise Locks, particularly adapted for Inner Doors.

Night Latches,Dead Locks,Knob Locks,Cabinet Locks,Front Door Locks,Vestibule Latches,Sliding Door Locks.

THE "STANDARD" SPRING PADLOCKS,Cast Bronze, with Nickel-Plated Steel Keys and Brass Tumblers.Six sizes—one inch to two and one-fourth inches.

ALSO, SOLE MANUFACTURERS OFWESTON'S PAT. DIFFERENTIAL PULLEY BLOCKSANDCRANES OF ALL TYPES.

PRINCIPAL OFFICE AND WORKS: STAMFORD, CONNECTICUT.Western Office, CHICAGO, 64 Lake Street.New York Office, 62 Reade St.Boston Office, 224 Franklin St.Philadelphia Office, 507 Market St.

SPECIAL CATALOGUES SENT ON APPLICATION.

FAIRBANKS, MORSE & CO.

Corner of Lake Street and Fifth Avenue, Chicago.

EXCLUSIVELY FIRST QUALITY GOODS.

RAILWAY SUPPLY DEPARTMENT.

SCALES: Fairbanks' Standard; over 400 modifications; 45 new patents. Many styles especially adapted to railway requirements.WAGONS: For Express and Transfer Station Use; several new patterns.TRUCKS: All Sizes and Styles; made of best material. Special styles made to order.HAND CARS: Improved Wood Wheels, steel axles, wrought crank shaft, light, strong, and universally satisfactory.PUSH CARS: Improved Wood Wheels, or iron wheels, rubble and special sizes made to order.VELOCIPEDES: Three Wheeled Railway Velocipedes. Improved patterns.LOCKS: Miller's Improved brass, switch, freight car, tool house and other styles.WATER STATIONS: Wind, Steam, Horse or Hand Power Stations. Erected complete or material and plans furnished.WINDMILLS: "Eclipse," strongest and only safe self-regulator. The cheapest water station motor where wind is available.WINDMILL TOWERS: All Heights. Delivered on cars or erected when desired.TANKS: White Pine, Southern pine, and cypress; all sizes, machine-made, perfect fitting. Erected if desired.TANK FIXTURES: "Eclipse" Pattern, Babbitt metal valve seat, solid rubber valve face, galvanized iron spout.PUMPS: Double and Single Acting; for wind or hand power. New styles with improvements, especially adapted to railroad use.PIPE: Prepared Wood Pipe. Economical and durable. Recommended for long distances.STEAM PUMPS AND BOILERS: "Eclipse" Fly Wheel. Constructed especially for railroad water station service. New improvements.STEAM PUMPS AND BOILERS: Direct Acting, patent interchangeable cylinders, and other improvements.STAND PIPES: Smith's Improved Pivoted Pipe, with quick closing slide valve. No packing used.INSPIRATORS: The Hancock Improved, the best boiler feeder. No adjustment needed for varying steam pressure.PRESSES: Letter and Way Bill; all sizes. Made with wheel or lever as desired.TURNTABLES: Wrought Iron, Cast Iron and Wood. Delivered on cars or built complete.SCRAPERS: Wheel and Drag.

SCALES: Fairbanks' Standard; over 400 modifications; 45 new patents. Many styles especially adapted to railway requirements.

WAGONS: For Express and Transfer Station Use; several new patterns.

TRUCKS: All Sizes and Styles; made of best material. Special styles made to order.

HAND CARS: Improved Wood Wheels, steel axles, wrought crank shaft, light, strong, and universally satisfactory.

PUSH CARS: Improved Wood Wheels, or iron wheels, rubble and special sizes made to order.

VELOCIPEDES: Three Wheeled Railway Velocipedes. Improved patterns.

LOCKS: Miller's Improved brass, switch, freight car, tool house and other styles.

WATER STATIONS: Wind, Steam, Horse or Hand Power Stations. Erected complete or material and plans furnished.

WINDMILLS: "Eclipse," strongest and only safe self-regulator. The cheapest water station motor where wind is available.

WINDMILL TOWERS: All Heights. Delivered on cars or erected when desired.

TANKS: White Pine, Southern pine, and cypress; all sizes, machine-made, perfect fitting. Erected if desired.

TANK FIXTURES: "Eclipse" Pattern, Babbitt metal valve seat, solid rubber valve face, galvanized iron spout.

PUMPS: Double and Single Acting; for wind or hand power. New styles with improvements, especially adapted to railroad use.

PIPE: Prepared Wood Pipe. Economical and durable. Recommended for long distances.

STEAM PUMPS AND BOILERS: "Eclipse" Fly Wheel. Constructed especially for railroad water station service. New improvements.

STEAM PUMPS AND BOILERS: Direct Acting, patent interchangeable cylinders, and other improvements.

STAND PIPES: Smith's Improved Pivoted Pipe, with quick closing slide valve. No packing used.

INSPIRATORS: The Hancock Improved, the best boiler feeder. No adjustment needed for varying steam pressure.

PRESSES: Letter and Way Bill; all sizes. Made with wheel or lever as desired.

TURNTABLES: Wrought Iron, Cast Iron and Wood. Delivered on cars or built complete.

SCRAPERS: Wheel and Drag.

GENERAL DEPARTMENT.

FAIRBANKS' STANDARD SCALES: All Sizes, and adapted to all purposes.WINDMILLS: For Farm and other Uses. Pumping or power mills.WINDMILL FIXTURES: Pumps, Cylinders, Pipe, etc.TRUCKS: All Styles, for warehouse, packing houses, etc.BEAMS: Grain Testers, Assay Balances, U. S. Standard Weights and Measures, etc.INSPIRATORS: Hancock's Improved Boiler Feeder.WATER WORKS: For Towns and Villages. Erected complete or material furnished.STEAM PUMPS AND BOILERS: All Sizes. Improved patterns.

FAIRBANKS' STANDARD SCALES: All Sizes, and adapted to all purposes.

WINDMILLS: For Farm and other Uses. Pumping or power mills.

WINDMILL FIXTURES: Pumps, Cylinders, Pipe, etc.

TRUCKS: All Styles, for warehouse, packing houses, etc.

BEAMS: Grain Testers, Assay Balances, U. S. Standard Weights and Measures, etc.

INSPIRATORS: Hancock's Improved Boiler Feeder.

WATER WORKS: For Towns and Villages. Erected complete or material furnished.

STEAM PUMPS AND BOILERS: All Sizes. Improved patterns.

SEND FOR DESCRIPTIVE CATALOGUE SPECIFYING ARTICLE NEEDED.

AParodyonPatienceillustratedby H. W. McVickarByD. DALZIEL,EDITOR OF THE CHICAGO NEWS LETTER.DRAWN & PRINTED IN COLORS BYWEMPLE & CO. ☼ LITHOGRAPHERS,New York.

illustratedby H. W. McVickar

ByD. DALZIEL,

EDITOR OF THE CHICAGO NEWS LETTER.

DRAWN & PRINTED IN COLORS BYWEMPLE & CO. ☼ LITHOGRAPHERS,New York.

We care nothing for railroad conductors

·:A PARODY:··on·•PATIENCE•

·:A PARODY:·

·on·

•PATIENCE•

(Respectfully dedicated to the Conductors of the Chicago & Alton Railroad.)

(By D. Dalziel, Editor of the Chicago News Letter.)

Scene—The Exterior of a Railroad Depot.

(EnterAngela,EllaandSaphir,and a number of æsthetic young women.)

ANGELA—There is a strange magic in this love of ours. Rivals, as we all are, in the affections of our Reginald, the very hopelessness of our love is a bond that binds us to one another. (All sigh.)

JANE—Fools, yes, fools. Know ye not that this man never can be yours? He loves another, and that other isPatience. (General misery.)

ANGELA—Patience, the young woman who milks the cow and sleeps in the stable! Surely the gentleman's taste must be a trifle unæsthetic.

JANE—You must not question his motive. He is utterly transcendent in all he does. But the milkmaid, as you say, is indeed a little beneath the regard of one so truly too.

ALL—Indeed she is. (They all sigh.)

PATIENCE—(Appears at background and looks with contempt upon the lot. She then comes down.) What is the matter, girls, are you ill?

ALL—No, we are in love. (More misery.)

PATIENCE—I know not what love is.

ANGELA—Ah, Patience, if you have never loved you have never known true happiness. (All sigh.)

PATIENCE—But the truly happy seem to have so much on their mind. The truly happy never seem quite well. But I have some news for you. The Railroad Conductors' Annual Picnic will be held here to-day, and the young men in their gorgeous uniforms are now on their way to this spot.

ANGELA—(Contemptuously.) Railroad conductors!

SAPHIR—I am told they are men of very full habits.

ELLA—We care nothing for railroad conductors.

(Exit the ladies in sorrowful procession. Enter the railroad conductors. They march around to chorus.)

The conductors of our land are linked in friendly tether,Upon the railroad train they make their friends together;There every mother's son prepared to make a friend is.The comrade of one, The comrade of all is,The comrade of one, The comrade of all is.

(Enter the Grand Commander of the Order of Conductors,Colonel Blue,of the Chicago & Alton Railroad.)

G· C·—(Sings.)

When I first put this uniform onI said as I looked in the glass,It's one to a million, that any civilianMy figure and form will surpass.Gold lace has a charm for the fair,And I've plenty of that, and to spare.While a lover's professions,When uttered on HessiansAre eloquent ev'rywhere;A fact that I counted uponWhen I first put this uniform on.CHORUS.By a simple coincidence, fewCould ever have reckoned upon,The same thing occurred to us, too,When we first put this uniform on.

CHORUS.

By a simple coincidence, fewCould ever have reckoned upon,The same thing occurred to us, too,When we first put this uniform on.

I know not what love is!

The conductors of our line arelinkedin friendlytether

The conductors of our line are

linked

in friendly

tether

When i first put this uniform on

Oh patience! you will break my heart.

G· C·—

I said when I first put it on,It's plain to the veriest dunce,That every beautyWill feel it her dutyTo yield to the Alton at once.They will see that I'm freely gold laced,In a uniform handsome and chaste,And a gentleman connected with the Chicago and AltonShould be very much to their taste;A fact that I counted uponWhen I first put this uniform on.CHORUS.By a simple coincidence, fewCould ever have reckoned upon,The same thing occurred to us, too,When we first put this uniform on.

CHORUS.

By a simple coincidence, fewCould ever have reckoned upon,The same thing occurred to us, too,When we first put this uniform on.

(EnterPatience.)

PATIENCE—How strangely handsome these conductors are, but I dare not address them.

G· C·—Fair maiden, you seem alarmed at our intrusion.

PATIENCE.—Not at all. Only awed. I am not accustomed to so much glitter.

G· C·—(Proudly.) You flatter, fair maid, but we are accustomed to it. We are conductors. That speaks for our brilliant appearance.

PATIENCE.—And what is a conductor?

G· C·—Do you mean it? Listen and I will give you the recipe for a first-class Chicago and Alton conductor. (Sings.)

If you want a recipe for that popular mysteryUsually known as an Alton road man,Take all the remarkable people in history,Mix them all up in a rhyming stewpan;The pluck of a brakeman on board of a freight train,Genius of agents devising a plan,The humor of Jay Gould (when in a cut rate vein),Coolness of Vanderbilt leading the clan;The science of Howgate, the eminent Arctico;Wit of Abe Lincoln, good Illinois man;Pathos of Paddy, just out on a lark to go;Style of the Bishop of Saskatchewan;The dash of a D'Orsay divested of quackery,Narrative powers of Dickens and Thackeray.Victor Emmanuel, peak-hunting Peveril,Thomas A-qui-nas and Doctor Sa-che-verell,Tupper and Tennyson, Daniel De-Foe,Anthony Trollope and Mister Guizot.Take of these elements all that is fusible,Melt 'em all down in a pipkin or crucible,Set 'em to simmer and take off the scum,And an Alton conductor is the re-si-du-um.If you want a receipt for this railroad like Paragon,Get at the wealth of Jim Fair (if you can);The family pride of a Blue Blood from Lexington,Force of Mephisto pronouncing a ban,A smack of young Lorillard, reckless and rollicky,Swagger of Kearney leading his gang,The keen penetration of Paddington Pollaky;Grace of an odalisque on a divan;The essence delightful of utter civility,Graceful and pleasant lacking servility;Flavor of Hamlet; Charles Surface, a touch of him;Little of Romeo, but not very much of him,—Beautiful dressed, all buttons and lace,Air of a nobleman, exquisite face.Take of these elements all that is fusibleMelt 'em all down in a pipkin or crucible,Set 'em to simmer and take off the scum,And an Alton conductor is the residuum.

Take of these elements all that is fusible,Melt 'em all down in a pipkin or crucible,Set 'em to simmer and take off the scum,And an Alton conductor is the re-si-du-um.

If you want a receipt for this railroad like Paragon,Get at the wealth of Jim Fair (if you can);The family pride of a Blue Blood from Lexington,Force of Mephisto pronouncing a ban,A smack of young Lorillard, reckless and rollicky,Swagger of Kearney leading his gang,The keen penetration of Paddington Pollaky;Grace of an odalisque on a divan;The essence delightful of utter civility,Graceful and pleasant lacking servility;Flavor of Hamlet; Charles Surface, a touch of him;Little of Romeo, but not very much of him,—Beautiful dressed, all buttons and lace,Air of a nobleman, exquisite face.

Take of these elements all that is fusibleMelt 'em all down in a pipkin or crucible,Set 'em to simmer and take off the scum,And an Alton conductor is the residuum.

(ExitConductors.)

You are right patience, i am a chicago and alton railroad conductor, and they are all very beautiful.

Pretty, pretty maiden!

"Marry me fair maiden,from my heart t'will take a load."

"Really ladies, you must excuse me. i never can be yours."

PATIENCE—Such a person as he describes must be truly interesting. But who comes here? One of them, I declare. I must depart. Oh! I must depart.

(EnterGrosvenor,sings.)

HE.Pretty, pretty maiden, look upon this breast;Hey, but I'm doleful, willow, willow waly!I belong to the best line that's running in the West;Hey, willow waly, oh!Competition, we defy it;Let those who doubt me, try it;Hey, willow waly, oh!SHE.Judging by your words, sir, it's the Alton Road you mean;Hey, but he's doleful, willow, willow waly!I'm well aware of the fact, strange as it may seem;Hey, willow waly, oh!You've much to recommend you,If the Alton Road befriend you;Hey, willow, waly, oh!⁂

HE.

Pretty, pretty maiden, look upon this breast;Hey, but I'm doleful, willow, willow waly!I belong to the best line that's running in the West;Hey, willow waly, oh!Competition, we defy it;Let those who doubt me, try it;Hey, willow waly, oh!

SHE.

Judging by your words, sir, it's the Alton Road you mean;Hey, but he's doleful, willow, willow waly!I'm well aware of the fact, strange as it may seem;Hey, willow waly, oh!You've much to recommend you,If the Alton Road befriend you;Hey, willow, waly, oh!

⁂

GROSVENOR—Oh, Patience, you will break my heart. Don't you know me?

PATIENCE—No, although I have seen people dressed like you before, I do not think that would entitle me to say I knew you.

GROSVENOR—Don't you remember your little playfellow, Archibald? He who used to take you to excursions by the Chicago & Alton to St. Louis?

PATIENCE—Can it be—why, yes, it must be Archibald. I am glad to see you. The remembrance of those visits to St. Louis is still fresh in my memory.So fresh that it is not at all necessary for me to go there again to renew them. But you are changed.

GROSVENOR—I am somewhat taller than when I first knew you; remember that it is nigh on to thir-r-ty years since first we met by the village stream. Ah, Patience, the time has passed lightly enough on me, but with you it is very different.

PATIENCE—And how handsomeyoulook.

GROSVENOR—You are quite right, Patience (drawing himself up). I am a Chicago & Alton Railroad Conductor, andtheyare all very beautiful.

PATIENCE—And that uniform, Archibald!

GROSVENOR—(Sighs) Ah, that is the bane of my life. It has the curse of fatal perfection. Since I first put it on I dare not go through the cars and collect tickets without an escort. All the women I meet fall madly in love with me. At the country depot when my train goes through, the entire female population flock out to get a glimpse at me. The life is one of torment.

PATIENCE—Then why do you not cast it away from you, and make yourself a commonplace person like the conductors of other roads?

GROSVENOR—No, Patience, that would be wrong. I have a mission in life. If it be my fortune to be the handsomest conductor on the finest railroad in the World, who am I that I should withhold the contemplation of my gifts from others? But will you love and marry me, Patience?

PATIENCE—(Pointing to the sign on his hat bearing inscription Chicago & Alton conductor. Sings very much after La Mascotte.)

SHE.When I behold that magic sign a sweet joy agitates me.HE.Ah, Patience, you are right; this uniform must captivate thee.SHE.When I look on those beauteous words just like a little chick I tremble.HE.The Alton is the greatest line, 'tis useless to dissemble.SHE.That more than other roads I love.HE.After that 'tis surely you I love.SHE.When the engine sounds its puff, puff, puff, puff, puff, puff.HE.When the whistle sounds its "WHEW!"⁂SHE.When I look on that braid and buttons a strange awe overcomes me.HE.Ah, Patience, 'tis not strange this uniform becomes me.SHE.Since I find you are an Alton man, I'll marry now instead of later.HE.If Patience did not love that road, I'm sure that I should hate her.SHE.That more than other roads I love.HE.After that 'tis surely you I love.SHE.When the agent sweetly murmurs, Tickets, tickets, tickets.HE.When the brakeman gently gasps, How-oo-l-ng changekyarsfromummmsbrymummumspassgersfiminitsfreshments.⁂

SHE.

When I behold that magic sign a sweet joy agitates me.

HE.

Ah, Patience, you are right; this uniform must captivate thee.

SHE.

When I look on those beauteous words just like a little chick I tremble.

HE.

The Alton is the greatest line, 'tis useless to dissemble.

SHE.

That more than other roads I love.

HE.

After that 'tis surely you I love.

SHE.

When the engine sounds its puff, puff, puff, puff, puff, puff.

HE.

When the whistle sounds its "WHEW!"

⁂

SHE.

When I look on that braid and buttons a strange awe overcomes me.

HE.

Ah, Patience, 'tis not strange this uniform becomes me.

SHE.

Since I find you are an Alton man, I'll marry now instead of later.

HE.

If Patience did not love that road, I'm sure that I should hate her.

SHE.

That more than other roads I love.

HE.

After that 'tis surely you I love.

SHE.

When the agent sweetly murmurs, Tickets, tickets, tickets.

HE.

When the brakeman gently gasps, How-oo-l-ng changekyarsfromummmsbrymummumspassgersfiminitsfreshments.

⁂

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