[21]
How Did Dexter make his money Inw ye says bying whale bone for stain for ships in grosing three houndred & 40 tuns bort all in boston salum and all in Noue york under Cover oppenly told them for my ships thay all Lafed so I had at my one prise I had four Couning men for Rouners thay souned the horne as I told them to Act the fool I was foull of Cash I had Nine tun of silver on hand at that time all that time the Creaters more or Less Lafing it spread very fast heare is the Rub in fifty Days thay smelt A Rat found whare it was gone to Nouebry Port speklaters swarmed Like hell houns to be short with it I made seventey five per sent one tun and halfe of silver and over one more spect Drole A Nouf I Dreamed of warming pans three Nits that thay would doue in the west ingas I got not more than fortey two thousand put them in Nine vessele for difrent ports that tuck good hold———I cleared sevinty nine per sent———the pans thay mad yous of them for Coucking very good master for Coukey blessed good in Deade missey got Nise handed Now bourn my fase the best thing I Ever see in borne days I found I was very luckkey in spekkelasion I Dreamed that the good book was Run Down in this Countrey Nine years gone so Low az halfe prise and Dull at that the bibbel I means I had the Readey Cash by holl sale I bort twelve per sent under halfe prise thay Cost forty one sents Each bibels twenty one thousand I put them into twenty one vessels for the westinges and sent A text that all of them must have one bibel in Every familey or if not thay would goue to hell and if thay had Dun wiked flie to the bibel and on thare Neas and kiss the bibel three times and Look up to heaven Annest for giveness my Capttens all had Compleat orders heare Coms the good Luck I made one hundred per sent & Littel over then I found I had made money A Nuf I hant speck A Lated sence old times by goverment secourties I made or cleared forty seven thousands Dolors that is the old A fare Now I toald the all the sekrett Now be still Let me A Lone Dont wonder Now more houe I got my money boaz
T DEXTER
Now to all onnest men to pittey me that I have bin in hell: 35 years in this world with the gost A woman I maried and have two Children Now Liveing Abram bishup mared my Dafter sence the troubel is such that words Cant be Exprexed Nine years disorded[22]for a tun of silver for three months I could Not have the gost in my pallas sleep Not have to be had Now to save my Life I will sell if Not I will Let the house it is as Notted as Any hous in the oile shouls and furder in the world or sence Noers Arke & sence the floud taking in my self finly such A plase No whare in the world all gous with it hoses chareags all but plate & gouels A Reserve the holey bybel and one bouck more my old head has wore out three boddeys it would take a journey of Docters one our to find and Count the scars on my head given by the goust & others Amen
Joune 12- 1805 Clean trouth
T DEXTER
I say the grate mister Divel that has so maney Nick Names a frind to the preasts Now is dead all and the pope Likewise and the founders of mesonic A Cheat foull of war and gratness of hell Dead preasts Dead and Lawyers Damede Deade A braham b bi Ass Dead and All the frinds of mankind sings prasses that wee are the grat familey of mankind Now out of hell Deleured from fire and smoak bourning for Ever Now all in heaven uppon Earth Now all frinds Now for A Day of Regoising all over the world as one grate familey all Nasions to be ounited No more wars for fifty years and Longer I Recommend pease A Congress in france and when wee are Ripe for A Emper in this Contrey Call for me to take the helm or a Consler in the Afare of trouth Amen and Amen
TIMOTHY DEXTER
P S—one thing further I happened not to think of that grate Creature which some fools Call the Goast and others say that he is wanted—But I thing that it will be of searvice to let the Thanttron Dye
T DEXTER
Scarting trouths fortey six years gone old french war to git men and Lads to List the prests told them thay would Live as Long as if thay staed at home for Every boulitt had its Commison from the Lord he directed them one time when old good mister Emmerson had A gurnemon to preach I heard him say for Addom sin there was Now in hell milons of milons of Children Not more than A[23]span Long all this is troue and when there was a A Drouth most over thay would Call A fast and pray very Annest for the bottels of heaven to be on Corked so the Rane mit Com Down the minester did Not say how Larg thay whare I gess they held five hundred hoxetts Each
1805 may 27
TIMOTHY DEXTER
Trouth I afirme I am so much of A foule the Rougs want to git my Jouels & Loavs & Littel fishes without my Leave Leave is Lit thay all Caled me A foull forty years Now I will Call all fouls but onnes men Now to brove me A foull I Never Could sing Nor play Cards Nor Dance Nor tell A Long storey Nor play on Any mouskel Nor pray Nor make A pen when I was young I Could play on A Jous harp it would mak my mouth warter and the Ladeys sumthing warter gess what I sade Nothing A good Lafe is beter than Crying A Clam will Cry And warter wen thay are out of there Ellemen so wee the same if I had Not the gost in my house I would I mean give Lite to my brothers & sisters and have A pease all over the world and beat the trouthe into my frinds houe goud it is houe onnest it would be and houe man kind has bin in posed upon & houe thay have bin blinded with untrouths gosts and mister Divels there is Now None of that order all Lye the mesonek if thay wilt make a book of trouth I will give the Creaters but I will take the Chare and put my frind bonne partey on my Rte hand And the grat ginrel meroue on my Left hand A Nuf to give the sword is in the banks A Emper only be still I will take the helm in Love I am A quaker No blod spiled all in the Love of A Emper you will have in fortey years I may Com back & see houe you all goue on & what you ware when the gost is gone and mister Divel pease on Earth be fore I will have a war in my Day I will be your frind the Emper and if I want help I will Call my frind boneypartey and gorge the third & Dewide the Lose Now take Care peas I say Except of what is Rewealed to me for it will Com to pass I was born when grat powers Rouled I was borne in 1747 Janeuarey 22 on this day in the morning A grat snow storme the sines in the seventh house wives mars Came fored Joupeter stud by houlding the Candel I was to be one grat man mars got the beth to be onnest man to Doue good to my felow mortelz I think I am A quaker[24]but I have so Littel sense I Cant Deseave I Can swep my hous & git all A Noue gelt & goue out of hell is bless Law and trouth and Reason on my side it must be done when I git my worthy widdow it is Dun Not one word of Anger as Long as I Live to a A good woman I a firme
TIMOTHY DEXTER
fourder I Dont have Aney of the Ladeys of prinsbell spend the Intress I will spend Day and Nite All I have and Doue all the good to please I can make as much heaven upon Earth as posbel and then Dye in peas A men and Amen for A Companon I must have to make out this heaven then I am happy the goue in the dark in pease when the Candel gous out in the—Lord god of Nater one more A men good bye
T DEXTER
forder A grate good man Came to see me Not Long sence I told sade man I had many Innemys he says be Cos you are toue onnest to be beloved you Dont gine in Comon ways with Rougs bibel making mesonik order to promes to pay & Never pay only with A Lye and gine heell on Earth Cheat all you Can gine the mob then you are A brother Now I am glad I did Not Nock the Doer Down my good Louck my god and my god blessed be my good Luch
T DEXTER
sum more sweet meats & trouths I say Now man sence Noers Ark Dare to Rite of so Littel Laning I begon when abrham was in my hous I then Rote this world was hell & men was Divels sum better then others sum white Divels sum black & sum Copper Divels I for got them bloue Divels this spred far was printed in many papers a bishop Cosed my blood to bile thirteene years last March as when I begun to Rite I sade the grat Rougs was the best men o o for shame the onnest man was Lafed at & a b being foull of Larning it maks him mad to be a Lousefer his Rane is short I hope to see my father the grat felosfer the presedent before I die the trouth he must know a men
T DEXTER
I Crys Crys Lik a babey when I Rits my trobel is so grat to have my Dafter so Crasey the Rick of our Lives such blows with such weapons of a sudden & strike such brouses is worth thirty[25]millon of Dolors for a pouer man to have and others o brous me thay wont my Life to git my money & so I must seel & be a sitteson of the world it is a wonder I am a Live the burds will Chip offen before I Can git to sleep the Noys is so grate all hell No more a b bishups he wants to be Deatey Let sade beast goue once & twise act so Now toue much Laning make Rougs and fouls in the Eand Dig a Dich & fall in to it white Rop or a hare Rop taks them in time
trouth
This is revealed to me how the world was made with what stuff it was made with is the question Now I tell the with paper pen and ink and type the Anemels to be the founders of it with a Lye & Lyes upon Lyes wose then beasts or Snaks or wouls or bars tigers Divils and ten times wose with all Lyes untrouths the world allways was and is Look out for trouth a men I
TIMOTHY DEXTER
fourder in six Days and verey good and harde Laber I Cant gitt my monement Dun in sixty Days and work hard very hard & sweet it was for want of maney hands I had No hiram Nor Solomon only my selfe
T DEXTER
World makers mankind with marbel and parchment and paper pen & ink and printers tips and Lyes upon Lyes amen and amen the world was made in six Days out of Nothing o yess o lye Now all troue Lye yess all the world over
TIMOTHY DEXTER
[26]
IN HONOR OFTIMOTHY DEXTER, ESQ.
This great philosopher may indeed be styled a phenomenon in nature! The many literary qualifications he possesses rank him foremost among literary characters.——That unequalled production from the pen of this wonderful philosopher, denominated "A Pickle for the Knowing Ones," has not only received universal applause, and been ranked as of the first magnitude in the literary world, but has had such rapidity in its sale, that a copy cannot be procured, though diligently sought after by men of the most transcendant merit.
Where can we find a man so extensively useful, and so eminently calculated to diffuse light to a dark and ignorant multitude, as this rare philosopher? How penetrating his understanding! How deep his ideas! What a multitude of discoveries which before were hid in embryo, have made their appearance at the nod of his genius! Surely we may say, Blessed are the people who are highly favored with the greatest Luminary that ever gave light to an existing world!!
While aiming at a just portrait of this remarkable Naturalist and Philosopher, his generosity is no less a subject of admiration, than his literary and philosophical abilities. The readiness with which his benevolent soul bestows donations calls forth the grateful acknowledgement of all who have been liberally assisted from his bountiful hand.
See him the first to assist in building a church for the worship of God! See him liberally give for the purchase of bells, the ready cash, without hesitation! See him expending his fortune to preserve in everlasting romembrance, characters who have shone with[27]unexampled greatness in Europe and America! Here the subject fails. Vain man may as well attempt to stop the course of nature, as to do ample justice to this wonderful man!
Behold all nature stands aghastTo hear thy fame from east to west!How great how grand of thee we hear,Thou man of sense—thou eastern star!All men inquire—but few can tellHow thou in science doth excel!Great philosophic genius, we,The meanest reptiles, bow the knee.At thy majestic shrine we shrink!What can we do, or say, or think!When contemplating on thy worth.Which hath astonish'd all the earth.Great DEXTER, did the world do right,Thy name would shine with brilliant light!Each would declare thy wond'rous fame,And shout at DEXTER'S mighty name!
Behold all nature stands aghastTo hear thy fame from east to west!How great how grand of thee we hear,Thou man of sense—thou eastern star!
Behold all nature stands aghast
To hear thy fame from east to west!
How great how grand of thee we hear,
Thou man of sense—thou eastern star!
All men inquire—but few can tellHow thou in science doth excel!Great philosophic genius, we,The meanest reptiles, bow the knee.
All men inquire—but few can tell
How thou in science doth excel!
Great philosophic genius, we,
The meanest reptiles, bow the knee.
At thy majestic shrine we shrink!What can we do, or say, or think!When contemplating on thy worth.Which hath astonish'd all the earth.
At thy majestic shrine we shrink!
What can we do, or say, or think!
When contemplating on thy worth.
Which hath astonish'd all the earth.
Great DEXTER, did the world do right,Thy name would shine with brilliant light!Each would declare thy wond'rous fame,And shout at DEXTER'S mighty name!
Great DEXTER, did the world do right,
Thy name would shine with brilliant light!
Each would declare thy wond'rous fame,
And shout at DEXTER'S mighty name!
Salem,June 14, 1805
My Lord Dexter,
By the politeness of Mr.EmersonI received the very valuable contents of your package. A new edition of that unprecedented performance, entitled "A Pickle for the Knowing Ones," &c. is very urgently called for by the friends of literature in this country and in England—and I presume with the additions and improvements intended to accompany the second edition, provided it should be well printed, would entitle the author to a seat with the Disciples of Sir Joseph Banks, if not to a place in Bonaparte's Legion of Honor—for my Lord DEXTER is an honorable man. But, sir, the work cannot be executed for the sum named—nor in the time specified.—I will print an edition of 500 copies with the additions, for fifty dollars, and cannot possibly do them for less.
Wishing your Lordship health in perpetuity—a continuance of your admirable reasoning faculties—goodspirits, and an abundance of wealth—and finally a safe passage over any river not withSticks, but a pleasure boat, I remain yours with the utmost profundity.
W. CARLTON.
The Right Honorable LordDexter,Kt. Newburyport.
[28]
The follering peases are not my Riting but very drole
TIMOTHY DEXTER
Mr. Melcher,
Your publishing the following extract from a letter said to be from a trader among the Indians to a friend, may amuse some of your customers for the Gazette.
A few days ago one of the Indians paid me a visit. After some conversation, he said that a minister from the United States had been with his tribe to teach them the Christian religion. He says that there is but one only living and true God, who is a good, wise, and powerful spirit (this Indian say too) and that there are three persons in the god head, of one substance and power, God the father, God the Son and God the Holy Ghost, that the Father is of none, neither begotten, or proceeding, the Son is eternally begotten of the Father, the Holy Ghost eternally proceeding from the Father and the Son, and that the Holy Ghost visited a virgin, and conveyed the Son into her; where he continued nine moons and then was born like other children, was born God and man, that when he was about thirty years old began to preach, but the great men no like his preaching, sent their warriors, who took and killed him.
Indians ask what all this talk mean, he say that the first man and woman broke God's law in eating what God had forbidden, that therefore they and all the children that should proceed from them must die, and be punished after death forever; that the Son came and died to save some of mankind from being punished after death. Oh! 'trange that man could kill God the Son, and that his death be of service to mankind—great many people die before the Son of God, and did not know any thing about him—it was then asked whether his dying would do poor Indians any good; he say yes, if they believe; then me say that pappoose no believe them do no good; he say you must leave that with God, and believe for yourself—one say it is hard to believe such 'tories; if Indian tell such 'trange things, the white people no believe um.
[29]
A curious Sermon, by the Rev. Mr. Hyberdin, which he made at the request of certain thieves that robbed him on a hill near Hartlgrow, in Hampshire, (England) in their presence and at that instant.
I greatly marvel that any man will disgrace thieving, and think that the doers thereof are worthy of death, considering it as a thing that cometh near unto virtue, being used in all countries, and allowed by God himself; the thing which I cannot compendiously show unto you at so short a warning, and on so sharp an occasion. I must desire you, gentle audience of thieves, to take in good part what at this time cometh into my mind, not doubting but that you, through your good knowledge, are able to add much more unto it, than this which I shall now offer unto you.
First, Fortitude and stoutness of courage, and also boldness of mind, is commended of some men to be a virtue; which being granted, who is there then that will not judge thieves to be virtuous? For they are of all men the most stout and hardy, and the most void of fear; for thieving is a thing usual among all men; for not only you that are here present, but also many others in divers places, both men, women and children, rich and poor, are daily of the faculty, as the hangman at Newgate can testify; and that it is allowed of by God himself is evident from Scripture; For if you examine the whole course of the Bible you will find that thieves have been beloved of God; for Jacob, when he came out of Mesopotamia, did steal his uncle Laban's kids. The same Jacob did also steal his brother Esau's blessing; and yet God said,I have chosen Jacob and refused Esau. The children of Israel, when they came out of Egypt, did steal the Egyptian's jewels of silver and jewels of gold, as God commanded them to do.
David, in the days of Abiathar, the high priest, came into the temple and stole the hallowed bread; and yet God said, "David is a man after my own heart." Christ himself, when he was here on earth, did take an ass and colt that was none of his; and yet God said, "This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased."Thus you see that God delighted in thieves.
But most of all I marvel that men can despise thieves, whereas in many points you be like Christ himself; for Christ had no dwelling place no more than you—Christ at length was caught, and so will you—he went to hell and so will you. In this you differ from him, for he rose and went into heaven—so you will[30]never do without God's great mercy, which God grant you. To whom with the Father, Son and Holy Ghost, be all honor and glory, for ever and ever.Amen.
MARQUIS OF NEWBURYPORT!!
[On Monday last arrived in this town the most noble and illustrious Lord TIMOTHY DEXTER, of Newburyport, Massachusetts, who has since his arrival requested the publication of the following stanzas in this day's paper, as a humble tribute to the incomprehensible majesty of his name! While they serve as a brilliant specimen of the gifted talents and admirable sublimity of the Laureat, from whose pen they flowed, the virtuoso in genealogies, and the worshippers of noble rank and boundless fortune may derive a rich and delicious satisfaction from the subject to which they are devoted!
ADVERTISEMENT EXTRA.OF THE CELEBRATEDLORD DEXTER.
LORD DEXTER is a man of fame,Most celebrated is his name;More precious far than gold that's pure,Lord Dexter live for evermore.His noble house it shines more brightThan Lebanon's most pleasant height,Never was one who step'd thereinWho wanted to come out again.His house is fill'd with sweet perfumes,Rich furniture doth fill his rooms;Inside and out it is adorn'd,And on the top an eagle's form'd.His house is white and trimm'd with green,For many miles it may be seen;It shines as bright as any star,The fame of it has spread afar.[31]Lord Dexter, thou, whose name aloneShines brighter than king George's throne;Thy name shall stand in books of fame,And Princes shall his name proclaim.Lord Dexter hath a coach beside,In pomp and splendor he doth ride;The horses champ the silver bitt,And throw the foam around their feet.The images around him stand,For they were made by his command;Looking to see Lord Dexter come,With fixed eyes they see him home.Four lions stand to guard the door,With their mouths open to devourAll enemies who do disturbLord Dexter or his shady grove.Lord Dexter, like king Solomon,Hath gold and silver by the ton,And bells to churches he hath given,To worship the great king of heaven.His mighty deeds they are so great,He's honor'd both by church and state,And when he comes all must give way,To let Lord Dexter bear the sway.When Dexter dies all things shall droop,Lord East, Lord West, Lord North shall stoop,And then Lord South with pomp shall come,And bear his body to the tomb.His tomb most charming to behold,A thousand sweets it doth unfold;When Dexter dies shall willows weep,And mourning friends shall fill the street.May Washington immortal stand,May Jefferson by God's commandSupport the right of all mankind,John Adams not a whit behind.America with all your host,Lord Dexter in a bumper toast;May he enjoy his life in peace,And when he's dead his name not cease.In heaven may he always reign,For there's no sorrow, sin, nor pain:Unto the world I leave the rest,For to pronounce Lord Dexter blest.
LORD DEXTER is a man of fame,Most celebrated is his name;More precious far than gold that's pure,Lord Dexter live for evermore.
LORD DEXTER is a man of fame,
Most celebrated is his name;
More precious far than gold that's pure,
Lord Dexter live for evermore.
His noble house it shines more brightThan Lebanon's most pleasant height,Never was one who step'd thereinWho wanted to come out again.
His noble house it shines more bright
Than Lebanon's most pleasant height,
Never was one who step'd therein
Who wanted to come out again.
His house is fill'd with sweet perfumes,Rich furniture doth fill his rooms;Inside and out it is adorn'd,And on the top an eagle's form'd.
His house is fill'd with sweet perfumes,
Rich furniture doth fill his rooms;
Inside and out it is adorn'd,
And on the top an eagle's form'd.
His house is white and trimm'd with green,For many miles it may be seen;It shines as bright as any star,The fame of it has spread afar.
His house is white and trimm'd with green,
For many miles it may be seen;
It shines as bright as any star,
The fame of it has spread afar.
[31]
Lord Dexter, thou, whose name aloneShines brighter than king George's throne;Thy name shall stand in books of fame,And Princes shall his name proclaim.
Lord Dexter, thou, whose name alone
Shines brighter than king George's throne;
Thy name shall stand in books of fame,
And Princes shall his name proclaim.
Lord Dexter hath a coach beside,In pomp and splendor he doth ride;The horses champ the silver bitt,And throw the foam around their feet.
Lord Dexter hath a coach beside,
In pomp and splendor he doth ride;
The horses champ the silver bitt,
And throw the foam around their feet.
The images around him stand,For they were made by his command;Looking to see Lord Dexter come,With fixed eyes they see him home.
The images around him stand,
For they were made by his command;
Looking to see Lord Dexter come,
With fixed eyes they see him home.
Four lions stand to guard the door,With their mouths open to devourAll enemies who do disturbLord Dexter or his shady grove.
Four lions stand to guard the door,
With their mouths open to devour
All enemies who do disturb
Lord Dexter or his shady grove.
Lord Dexter, like king Solomon,Hath gold and silver by the ton,And bells to churches he hath given,To worship the great king of heaven.
Lord Dexter, like king Solomon,
Hath gold and silver by the ton,
And bells to churches he hath given,
To worship the great king of heaven.
His mighty deeds they are so great,He's honor'd both by church and state,And when he comes all must give way,To let Lord Dexter bear the sway.
His mighty deeds they are so great,
He's honor'd both by church and state,
And when he comes all must give way,
To let Lord Dexter bear the sway.
When Dexter dies all things shall droop,Lord East, Lord West, Lord North shall stoop,And then Lord South with pomp shall come,And bear his body to the tomb.
When Dexter dies all things shall droop,
Lord East, Lord West, Lord North shall stoop,
And then Lord South with pomp shall come,
And bear his body to the tomb.
His tomb most charming to behold,A thousand sweets it doth unfold;When Dexter dies shall willows weep,And mourning friends shall fill the street.
His tomb most charming to behold,
A thousand sweets it doth unfold;
When Dexter dies shall willows weep,
And mourning friends shall fill the street.
May Washington immortal stand,May Jefferson by God's commandSupport the right of all mankind,John Adams not a whit behind.
May Washington immortal stand,
May Jefferson by God's command
Support the right of all mankind,
John Adams not a whit behind.
America with all your host,Lord Dexter in a bumper toast;May he enjoy his life in peace,And when he's dead his name not cease.
America with all your host,
Lord Dexter in a bumper toast;
May he enjoy his life in peace,
And when he's dead his name not cease.
In heaven may he always reign,For there's no sorrow, sin, nor pain:Unto the world I leave the rest,For to pronounce Lord Dexter blest.
In heaven may he always reign,
For there's no sorrow, sin, nor pain:
Unto the world I leave the rest,
For to pronounce Lord Dexter blest.
[32]
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Transcriber's Note: The block of punctuation (on a page by itself) is inexplicably left unexplained in this edition. Dexter wrote before it in the second edition:
"fouder mister printer the Nowing ones complane of my book the fust edition had no stops I put in A Nuf here and thay may peper and solt it as they plese"