The Project Gutenberg eBook ofA RetrospectThis ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online atwww.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook.Title: A RetrospectAuthor: James Hudson TaylorRelease date: October 1, 2008 [eBook #26744]Language: EnglishCredits: Produced by Free Elf, Emmy and the Online DistributedProofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net Music files createdby Linda Cantoni.(This file was produced from imagesgenerously made available by The Internet Archive/CanadianLibraries) Full-color map generously provided by TheMissionary E-texts Archive athttp://www.missionaryetexts.org*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A RETROSPECT ***
This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online atwww.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook.
Title: A RetrospectAuthor: James Hudson TaylorRelease date: October 1, 2008 [eBook #26744]Language: EnglishCredits: Produced by Free Elf, Emmy and the Online DistributedProofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net Music files createdby Linda Cantoni.(This file was produced from imagesgenerously made available by The Internet Archive/CanadianLibraries) Full-color map generously provided by TheMissionary E-texts Archive athttp://www.missionaryetexts.org
Title: A Retrospect
Author: James Hudson Taylor
Author: James Hudson Taylor
Release date: October 1, 2008 [eBook #26744]
Language: English
Credits: Produced by Free Elf, Emmy and the Online DistributedProofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net Music files createdby Linda Cantoni.(This file was produced from imagesgenerously made available by The Internet Archive/CanadianLibraries) Full-color map generously provided by TheMissionary E-texts Archive athttp://www.missionaryetexts.org
*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A RETROSPECT ***
Signature: J. Hudson Taylor.
Thou shalt remember all the way which the Lord thy God led thee.THIRD EDITIONTORONTOCHINA INLAND MISSION507 CHURCH STREET
THE "LAMMERMUIR" PARTY. See page 125.THE "LAMMERMUIR" PARTY.See page 125.
CHAP.PAGEI.The Power of Prayer1II.The Call to Service7III.Preparation for Service13IV.Further Answers to Prayer19V.Life in London24VI.Strengthened by Faith30VII.Mighty to Save35VIII.Voyage to China39IX.Early Missionary Experiences45X.First Evangelistic Efforts49XI.With the Rev. W. C. Burns57XII.The Call to Swatow70"The Missionary Call": Words and Music75XIII.Man Proposes, God Disposes77XIV.Providential Guidance92XV.Settlement in Ningpo98XVI.Timely Supplies105XVII.God a Refuge for us110XVIII.A New Agency needed116XIX.Formation of the C. I. M.121XX.The Mission in 1894126The Mission in 1902128Stations of the C. I. M.131——————MAP OF CHINAShowing the Stations of the China Inland Mission; Corrected to June 1900To face page131
1.Portrait of J. Hudson TaylorFrontispiece2.The "Lammermuir" partyFacing"Contents"PAGE3.Honorary banner presented to a missionary14.A heavy road in North China75.Salt junk on the Yang-tsi136.Travelling by mule cart on "the great plain"197.Ch'ung-k'ing, the Yang-tsi, and mountains beyond248.Water gate and Custom house, Soo-chow299.View on the Kwang-sin River3010.Temple and memorial portal3411."Compassionate heart, benevolent methods"3512.Outside the wall of Gan-k'ing3813.The new girls school at Chefoo3914.Entrance to the Po-yang lake4415.A fair wind, at sunset, on the lake4516.A view on the grand canal4917.Down the Yang-tsi on a cargo boat5718.East gate and sentry box, Bhamô, Burmah6919.Farmhouse, with buffalo shed attached7020.A fishing village on the lake near Yünnan Fu7721.Teng-yueh, the westernmost walled city in China9122.A small temple near Wun-chau9223.Group of Christians at Lan-k'i, Cheh-kiang9724.A boat on the Red River, Tonquin9825.Students' quarters, Gan-k'ing Training Home10426.A Mandarin's sedan chair10527.A presentation banner (a mark of high respect)11028.View on the Po-yang lake11629.A village on the grand canal12130.The battlements of Pekin12631.Native woodcut of a landscape13132.Elder Liu and wife, Kwei-k'i136
1.Portrait of J. Hudson TaylorFrontispiece2.The "Lammermuir" partyFacing"Contents"PAGE3.Honorary banner presented to a missionary14.A heavy road in North China75.Salt junk on the Yang-tsi136.Travelling by mule cart on "the great plain"197.Ch'ung-k'ing, the Yang-tsi, and mountains beyond248.Water gate and Custom house, Soo-chow299.View on the Kwang-sin River3010.Temple and memorial portal3411."Compassionate heart, benevolent methods"3512.Outside the wall of Gan-k'ing3813.The new girls school at Chefoo3914.Entrance to the Po-yang lake4415.A fair wind, at sunset, on the lake4516.A view on the grand canal4917.Down the Yang-tsi on a cargo boat5718.East gate and sentry box, Bhamô, Burmah6919.Farmhouse, with buffalo shed attached7020.A fishing village on the lake near Yünnan Fu7721.Teng-yueh, the westernmost walled city in China9122.A small temple near Wun-chau9223.Group of Christians at Lan-k'i, Cheh-kiang9724.A boat on the Red River, Tonquin9825.Students' quarters, Gan-k'ing Training Home10426.A Mandarin's sedan chair10527.A presentation banner (a mark of high respect)11028.View on the Po-yang lake11629.A village on the grand canal12130.The battlements of Pekin12631.Native woodcut of a landscape13132.Elder Liu and wife, Kwei-k'i136
The hearty thanks of the Mission for the use of photographs and sketches are hereby tendered to Rev. George Hayes for Nos. 4 and 6; Dr. G. Whitfield Guinness for Nos. 8, 12, 16, 25, and 28; Miss Davies for No. 23; Mr. Thomas Selkirk for Nos. 18 and 21; Mr. J. T. Reid for Nos. 14, 15, and 27; Mr. J. S. Rough for No. 30; Mr. Grainger for No. 19; Mr. E. Murray for No. 13, and also to other friends unknown by name.
Honorary banner presented to a missionary
THE following account of some of the experiences which eventually led to the formation of theChina Inland Mission, and to its taking the form in which it has been developed, first appeared in the pages ofChina's Millions. Many of those who read it there asked that it might appear in separate form. Miss Guinness incorporated it in theStory of the China Inland Mission, a record which contained the account ofGod'sgoodness to the beginning of 1894. But friends still asking for it in pamphlet form, for wider distribution, this edition is brought out.
Much of the material was taken from notes of addresses given in China during a conference of our missionaries; this will account for the direct and narrative form of the papers, which it has not been thought necessary to change.
It is always helpful to us to fix our attention on theGod-ward aspect of Christian work; to realise that the work ofGoddoes not mean so much man's work forGod, asGod'sown work through man. Furthermore, in our privileged position of fellow-workers with Him, while fully recognising all the benefits and blessings to be bestowed on a sin-stricken world through the proclamation of the Gospel and spread of the Truth, we should never lose sight of the higher aspect of our work—that of obedience toGod, ofbringing glory to His Name, of gladdening the heart of ourGodandFatherby living and serving as His beloved children.
Many circumstances connected with my own early life and service presented this aspect of work vividly to me; and as I think of some of them, I am reminded of how much the cause of missions is indebted to many who are never themselves permitted to see the mission field—many, it may be, who are unable to give largely of their substance, and who will be not a little surprised in the Great Day to see how much the work has been advanced by their love, their sympathy, and their prayers.
For myself, and for the work that I have been permitted to do forGod, I owe an unspeakable debt of gratitude to my beloved and honoured parents, who have passed away and entered into rest, but the influence of whose lives will never pass away.
Many years ago, probably about 1830, the heart of my dear father, then himself an earnest and successful evangelist at home, was deeply stirred as to the spiritual state of China by reading several books, and especially an account of the travels of Captain Basil Hall. His circumstances were such as to preclude the hope of his ever going to China for personal service, but he was led to pray that ifGodshould give him a son, he might be called and privileged to labour in the vast needy empire which was then apparently so sealed against the truth. I was not aware of this desire or prayer myself until my return to England, more than seven years after I had sailed for China; but it was very interesting then to know how prayer offered before my birth had been answered in this matter.
All thought of my becoming a missionary was abandoned for many years by my dear parents on account of the feeblenessof my health. When the time came, however,Godgave increased health, and my life has been spared, and strength has been given for not a little toilsome service both in the mission field and at home, while many stronger men and women have succumbed.
I had many opportunities in early years of learning the value of prayer and of the Word ofGod; for it was the delight of my dear parents to point out that if there were any such Being asGod, to trust Him, to obey Him, and to be fully given up to His service, must of necessity be the best and wisest course both for myself and others. But in spite of these helpful examples and precepts my heart was unchanged. Often I had tried to make myself a Christian; and failing of course in such efforts, I began at last to think that for some reason or other I could not be saved, and that the best I could do was to take my fill of this world, as there was no hope for me beyond the grave.
While in this state of mind I came in contact with persons holding sceptical and infidel views, and accepted their teaching, only too thankful for some hope of escape from the doom which, if my parents were right and the Bible true, awaited the impenitent. It may seem strange to say it, but I have often felt thankful for the experience of this time of scepticism. The inconsistencies of Christian people, who while professing to believe their Bibles were yet content to live just as they would if there were no such book, had been one of the strongest arguments of my sceptical companions; and I frequently felt at that time, and said, that if I pretended to believe the Bible I would at any rate attempt to live by it, putting it fairly to the test, and if it failed to prove true and reliable, would throw it overboard altogether. These views I retained when theLordwas pleased to bring me toHimself; and I think I may say that since then IhaveputGod'sWord to the test. Certainly it has never failed me. I have never had reason to regret the confidence I have placed in its promises, or to deplore following the guidance I have found in its directions.
Let me tell you howGodanswered the prayers of my dear mother and of my beloved sister, now Mrs. Broomhall, for my conversion. On a day which I shall never forget, when I was about fifteen years of age, my dear mother being absent from home, I had a holiday, and in the afternoon looked through my father's library to find some book with which to while away the unoccupied hours. Nothing attracting me, I turned over a little basket of pamphlets, and selected from amongst them a Gospel tract which looked interesting, saying to myself, "There will be a story at the commencement, and a sermon or moral at the close: I will take the former and leave the latter for those who like it."
I sat down to read the little book in an utterly unconcerned state of mind, believing indeed at the time that if there were any salvation it was not for me, and with a distinct intention to put away the tract as soon as it should seem prosy. I may say that it was not uncommon in those days to call conversion "becoming serious"; and judging by the faces of some of its professors, it appeared to be a very serious matter indeed. Would it not be well if the people ofGodhad always tell-tale faces, evincing the blessings and gladness of salvation so clearly that unconverted people might have to call conversion "becoming joyful" instead of "becoming serious"?
Little did I know at the time what was going on in the heart of my dear mother, seventy or eighty miles away. She rose from the dinner-table that afternoon with an intense yearning for the conversion of her boy, and feelingthat—absent from home, and having more leisure than she could otherwise secure—a special opportunity was afforded her of pleading withGodon my behalf. She went to her room and turned the key in the door, resolved not to leave that spot until her prayers were answered. Hour after hour did that dear mother plead for me, until at length she could pray no longer, but was constrained to praiseGodfor that which HisSpirittaught her had already been accomplished—the conversion of her only son.
I in the meantime had been led in the way I have mentioned to take up this little tract, and while reading it was struck with the sentence, "The finished work ofChrist." The thought passed through my mind, "Why does the author use this expression? why not say the atoning or propitiatory work ofChrist?" Immediately the words "It is finished" suggested themselves to my mind. What was finished? And I at once replied, "A full and perfect atonement and satisfaction for sin: the debt was paid by the Substitute;Christdied for our sins, and not for ours only, but also for the sins of the whole world." Then came the thought, "If the whole work was finished and the whole debt paid, what is there left for me to do?" And with this dawned the joyful conviction, as light was flashed into my soul by theHoly Spirit, that there was nothing in the world to be done but to fall down on one's knees, and accepting thisSaviourand His salvation, to praise Him for evermore. Thus while my dear mother was praisingGodon her knees in her chamber, I was praising Him in the old warehouse to which I had gone alone to read at my leisure this little book.
Several days elapsed ere I ventured to make my beloved sister the confidante of my joy, and then only after she had promised not to tell any one of my soul secret.When our dear mother came home a fortnight later, I was the first to meet her at the door, and to tell her I had such glad news to give. I can almost feel that dear mother's arms around my neck, as she pressed me to her bosom and said, "I know, my boy; I have been rejoicing for a fortnight in the glad tidings you have to tell me." "Why," I asked in surprise, "has Amelia broken her promise? She said she would tell no one." My dear mother assured me that it was not from any human source that she had learned the tidings, and went on to tell the little incident mentioned above. You will agree with me that it would be strange indeed if I were not a believer in the power of prayer.
Nor was this all. Some little time after, I picked up a pocket-book exactly like one of my own, and thinking that it was mine, opened it. The lines that caught my eye were an entry in the little diary, which belonged to my sister, to the effect that she would give herself daily to prayer untilGodshould answer in the conversion of her brother. Exactly one month later theLordwas pleased to turn me from darkness to light.
Brought up in such a circle and saved under such circumstances, it was perhaps natural that from the commencement of my Christian life I was led to feel that the promises were very real, and that prayer was in sober matter of fact transacting business withGod, whether on one's own behalf or on behalf of those for whom one sought His blessing.
A heavy road in North China
THE first joys of conversion passed away after a time, and were succeeded by a period of painful deadness of soul, with much conflict. But this also came to an end, leaving a deepened sense of personal weakness and dependence on theLordas the onlyKeeperas well asSaviourof His people. How sweet to the soul, wearied and disappointed in its struggles with sin, is the calm repose of trust in theShepherdof Israel.
Not many months after my conversion, having a leisure afternoon, I retired to my own chamber to spend it largely in communion withGod. Well do I remember that occasion. How in the gladness of my heart I poured out my soul beforeGod; and again and again confessing my grateful love to Him who had done everything for me—who had saved me when I had given up all hope and even desire for salvation—I besought Him to give me some work to do for Him, as an outlet for love and gratitude; some self-denying service, no matter what it might be, however trying or however trivial; something with which He would be pleased, and that I might do for Him who had done so much for me. Well do I remember, as in unreserved consecration I put myself, my life, my friends, my all, upon the altar, the deep solemnity that came overmy soul with the assurance that my offering was accepted. The presence ofGodbecame unutterably real and blessed; and though but a child under sixteen, I remember stretching myself on the ground, and lying there silent before Him with unspeakable awe and unspeakable joy.
For what service I was accepted I knew not; but a deep consciousness that I was no longer my own took possession of me, which has never since been effaced. It has been a very practical consciousness. Two or three years later propositions of an unusually favourable nature were made to me with regard to medical study, on the condition of my becoming apprenticed to the medical man who was my friend and teacher. But I felt I dared not accept any binding engagement such as was suggested. I was not my own to give myself away; for I knew not when or how He whose alone I was, and for whose disposal I felt I must ever keep myself free, might call for service.
Within a few months of this time of consecration the impression was wrought into my soul that it was in China theLordwanted me. It seemed to me highly probable that the work to which I was thus called might cost my life; for China was not then open as it is now. But few missionary societies had at that time workers in China, and but few books on the subject of China missions were accessible to me. I learned, however, that the Congregational minister of my native town possessed a copy of Medhurst'sChina, and I called upon him to ask a loan of the book. This he kindly granted, asking me why I wished to read it. I told him thatGodhad called me to spend my life in missionary service in that land. "And how do you propose to go there?" he inquired. I answered that I did not at all know; that it seemed to me probable that I should need to do as the Twelve and the Seventy had done in Judæa—go without purseor scrip, relying on Him who had called me to supply all my need. Kindly placing his hand upon my shoulder, the minister replied, "Ah, my boy, as you grow older you will get wiser than that. Such an idea would do very well in the days whenChristHimself was on earth, but not now."
I have grown older since then, but not wiser. I am more than ever convinced that if we were to take the directions of ourMasterand the assurances He gave to His first disciples more fully as our guide, we should find them to be just as suited to our times as to those in which they were originally given.
Medhurst's book on China emphasised the value of medical missions there, and this directed my attention to medical studies as a valuable mode of preparation.
My beloved parents neither discouraged nor encouraged my desire to engage in missionary work. They advised me, with such convictions, to use all the means in my power to develop the resources of body, mind, heart, and soul, and to wait prayerfully uponGod, quite willing, should He show me that I was mistaken, to follow His guidance, or to go forward if in due time He should open the way to missionary service. The importance of this advice I have often since had occasion to prove. I began to take more exercise in the open air to strengthen my physique. My feather bed I had taken away, and sought to dispense with as many other home comforts as I could, in order to prepare myself for rougher lines of life. I began also to do what Christian work was in my power, in the way of tract distribution, Sunday-school teaching, and visiting the poor and sick, as opportunity afforded.
After a time of preparatory study at home, I went to Hull for medical and surgical training. There I became assistant to a doctor who was connected with the Hullschool of medicine, and was surgeon also to a number of factories, which brought many accident cases to our dispensary, and gave me the opportunity of seeing and practising the minor operations of surgery.
And here an event took place that I must not omit to mention. Before leaving home my attention was drawn to the subject of setting apart the firstfruits of all one's increase and a proportionate part of one's possessions to theLord'sservice. I thought it well to study the question with my Bible in hand before I went away from home, and was placed in circumstances which might bias my conclusions by the pressure of surrounding wants and cares. I was thus led to the determination to set apart not less than one-tenth of whatever moneys I might earn or become possessed of for theLord'sservice. The salary I received as medical assistant in Hull at the time now referred to would have allowed me with ease to do this. But owing to changes in the family of my kind friend and employer, it was necessary for me to reside out of doors. Comfortable quarters were secured with a relative, and in addition to the sum determined on as remuneration for my services I received the exact amount I had to pay for board and lodging.
Now arose in my mind the question, Ought not this sum also to be tithed? It was surely a part of my income, and I felt that if it had been a question of Government income tax it certainly would not have been excluded. On the other hand, to take a tithe from the whole would not leave me sufficient for other purposes; and for some little time I was much embarrassed to know what to do. After much thought and prayer I was led to leave the comfortable quarters and happy circle in which I was now residing, and to engage a little lodging in the suburbs—a sitting-room and bedroom in one—undertakingto board myself. In this way I was able without difficulty to tithe the whole of my income; and while I felt the change a good deal, it was attended with no small blessing.
More time was given in my solitude to the study of the Word ofGod, to visiting the poor, and to evangelistic work on summer evenings than would otherwise have been the case. Brought into contact in this way with many who were in distress, I soon saw the privilege of still further economising, and found it not difficult to give away much more than the proportion of my income I had at first intended.
About this time a friend drew my attention to the question of the personal and pre-millennial coming of ourLord Jesus Christ, and gave me a list of passages bearing upon it, without note or comment, advising me to ponder the subject. For a while I gave much time to studying the Scriptures about it, with the result that I was led to see that this sameJesuswho left our earth in His resurrection body was so to come again, that His feet were to stand on the Mount of Olives, and that He was to take possession of the temporal throne of His father David which was promised before His birth. I saw, further, that all through the New Testament the coming of theLordwas the great hope of His people, and was always appealed to as the strongest motive for consecration and service, and as the greatest comfort in trial and affliction. I learned, too, that the period of His return for His people was not revealed, and that it was their privilege, from day to day and from hour to hour, to live as men who wait for theLord; that thus living it was immaterial, so to speak, whether He should or should not come at any particular hour, the important thing being to be so ready for Him as to be able, wheneverHe might appear, to give an account of one's stewardship with joy, and not with grief.
The effect of this blessed hope was a thoroughly practical one. It led me to look carefully through my little library to see if there were any books there that were not needed or likely to be of further service, and to examine my small wardrobe, to be quite sure that it contained nothing that I should be sorry to give an account of should theMastercome at once. The result was that the library was considerably diminished, to the benefit of some poor neighbours, and to the far greater benefit of my own and that I found I had articles of clothing also which might be put to better advantage in other directions.
It has been very helpful to me from time to time through life, as occasion has served, to act again in a similar way; and I have never gone through my house, from basement to attic, with this object in view, without receiving a great accession of spiritual joy and blessing. I believe we are all in danger of accumulating—it may be from thoughtlessness, or from pressure of occupation—things which would be useful to others, while not needed by ourselves, and the retention of which entails loss of blessing. If the whole resources of the Church ofGodwere well utilised, how much more might be accomplished! How many poor might be fed and naked clothed, and to how many of those as yet unreached the Gospel might be carried! Let me advise this line of things as a constant habit of mind, and a profitable course to be practically adopted whenever circumstances permit.
Salt junk on the Yang-tsi
HAVING now the twofold object in view of accustoming myself to endure hardness, and of economising in order to be able more largely to assist those amongst whom I spent a good deal of time labouring in the Gospel, I soon found that I could live upon very much less than I had previously thought possible. Butter, milk, and other such luxuries I soon ceased to use; and I found that by living mainly on oatmeal and rice, with occasional variations, a very small sum was sufficient for my needs. In this way I had more than two-thirds of my income available for other purposes; and my experience was that the less I spent on myself and the more I gave away, the fuller of happiness and blessing did my soul become. Unspeakable joy all the day long, and every day, was my happy experience.God, even myGod, was a living, bright Reality; and all I had to do was joyful service.
It was to me a very grave matter, however, to contemplate going out to China, far away from all human aid, there to depend upon the livingGodalone for protection, supplies, and help of every kind. I felt that one's spiritual muscles required strengthening for such an undertaking. There was no doubt that if faith did not fail,Godwould not fail; but, then, what if one's faith should prove insufficient?I had not at that time learned that even "if we believe not, He abideth faithful, He cannot deny Himself"; and it was consequently a very serious question to my mind, not whetherHewas faithful, but whether I had strong enough faith to warrant my embarking in the enterprise set before me.
I thought to myself, "When I get out to China, I shall have no claim on any one for anything; my only claim will be onGod. How important, therefore, to learn before leaving England to move man, throughGod, by prayer alone."
At Hull my kind employer, always busily occupied, wished me to remind him whenever my salary became due. This I determined not to do directly, but to ask thatGodwould bring the fact to his recollection, and thus encourage me by answering prayer. At one time, as the day drew near for the payment of a quarter's salary, I was as usual much in prayer about it. The time arrived, but my kind friend made no allusion to the matter. I continued praying, and days passed on, but he did not remember, until at length, on settling up my weekly accounts one Saturday night, I found myself possessed of only a single coin—one half-crown piece. Still I had hitherto had no lack, and I continued in prayer.
That Sunday was a very happy one. As usual my heart was full and brimming over with blessing. After attending Divine service in the morning, my afternoons and evenings were filled with Gospel work, in the various lodging-houses I was accustomed to visit in the lowest part of the town. At such times it almost seemed to me as if heaven were begun below, and that all that could be looked for was an enlargement of one's capacity for joy, not a truer filling than I possessed. After concluding my last service about ten o'clock that night, a poorman asked me to go and pray with his wife, saying that she was dying. I readily agreed, and on the way to his house asked him why he had not sent for the priest, as his accent told me he was an Irishman. He had done so, he said, but the priest refused to come without a payment of eighteenpence, which the man did not possess, as the family was starving. Immediately it occurred to my mind that all the money I had in the world was the solitary half-crown, and that it was in one coin; moreover, that while the basin of water gruel I usually took for supper was awaiting me, and there was sufficient in the house for breakfast in the morning, I certainly had nothing for dinner on the coming day.
Somehow or other there was at once a stoppage in the flow of joy in my heart; but instead of reproving myself I began to reprove the poor man, telling him that it was very wrong to have allowed matters to get into such a state as he described, and that he ought to have applied to the relieving officer. His answer was that he had done so, and was told to come at eleven o'clock the next morning, but that he feared that his wife might not live through the night. "Ah," thought I, "if only I had two shillings and a sixpence instead of this half-crown, how gladly would I give these poor people one shilling of it!" But to part with the half-crown was far from my thoughts. I little dreamed that the real truth of the matter simply was that I could trust inGodplus one-and-sixpence, but was not yet prepared to trust Him only, without any money at all in my pocket.
My conductor led me into a court, down which I followed him with some degree of nervousness. I had found myself there before, and at my last visit had been very roughly handled, while my tracts were torn to pieces, and I received such a warning not to come againthat I felt more than a little concerned. Still, it was the path of duty, and I followed on. Up a miserable flight of stairs, into a wretched room, he led me; and oh what a sight there presented itself to our eyes! Four or five poor children stood about, their sunken cheeks and temples all telling unmistakably the story of slow starvation; and lying on a wretched pallet was a poor exhausted mother, with a tiny infant thirty-six hours old, moaning rather than crying at her side, for it too seemed spent and failing. "Ah!" thought I, "if I had two shillings and a sixpence instead of half-a-crown, how gladly should they have one-and-sixpence of it!" But still a wretched unbelief prevented me from obeying the impulse to relieve their distress at the cost of all I possessed.
It will scarcely seem strange that I was unable to say much to comfort these poor people. I needed comfort myself. I began to tell them, however, that they must not be cast down, that though their circumstances were very distressing, there was a kind and lovingFatherin heaven; but something within me said, "You hypocrite! telling these unconverted people about a kind and lovingFatherin heaven, and not prepared yourself to trust Him without half-a-crown!" I was nearly choked. How gladly would I have compromised with conscience if I had had a florin and a sixpence! I would have given the florin thankfully and kept the rest; but I was not yet prepared to trust inGodalone, without the sixpence.
To talk was impossible under these circumstances; yet, strange to say, I thought I should have no difficulty in praying. Prayer was a delightful occupation to me in those days; time thus spent never seemed wearisome, and I knew nothing of lack of words. I seemed to think that all I should have to do would be to kneel down and engage in prayer, and that relief would come to them andto myself together. "You asked me to come and pray with your wife," I said to the man, "let us pray." And I knelt down. But scarcely had I opened my lips with "OurFatherwho art in heaven" than conscience said within, "Dare you mockGod? Dare you kneel down and call HimFatherwith that half-crown in your pocket?" Such a time of conflict came upon me then as I have never experienced before or since. How I got through that form of prayer I know not, and whether the words uttered were connected or disconnected I cannot tell; but I arose from my knees in great distress of mind.
The poor father turned to me and said, "You see what a terrible state we are in, sir; if you can help us, forGod'ssake do!" Just then the word flashed into my mind, "Give to him that asketh of thee," and in the word of aKingthere is power. I put my hand into my pocket, and slowly drawing forth the half-crown, gave it to the man, telling him that it might seem a small matter for me to relieve them, seeing that I was comparatively well off, but that in parting with that coin I was giving him my all; what I had been trying to tell him was indeed true—Godreally was aFather, and might be trusted. The joy all came back in full flood-tide to my heart; I could say anything and feel it then, and the hindrance to blessing was gone—gone, I trust, for ever.
Not only was the poor woman's life saved, but I realised that my life was saved too! It might have been a wreck—would have been a wreck probably, as a Christian life—had not grace at that time conquered, and the striving ofGod's Spiritbeen obeyed. I well remember how that night, as I went home to my lodgings, my heart was as light as my pocket. The lonely, deserted streets resounded with a hymn of praise which I could not restrain. When I took my basin of gruel before retiring, I would not have exchangedit for a prince's feast. I reminded theLordas I knelt at my bedside of His own Word, that he who giveth to the poor lendeth to theLord: I asked Him not to let my loan be a long one, or I should have no dinner next day; and with peace within and peace without, I spent a happy, restful night.
Next morning for breakfast my plate of porridge remained, and before it was consumed the postman's knock was heard at the door. I was not in the habit of receiving letters on Monday, as my parents and most of my friends refrained from posting on Saturday; so that I was somewhat surprised when the landlady came in holding a letter or packet in her wet hand covered by her apron. I looked at the letter, but could not make out the handwriting. It was either a strange hand or a feigned one, and the postmark was blurred. Where it came from I could not tell. On opening the envelope I found nothing written within; but inside a sheet of blank paper was folded a pair of kid gloves, from which, as I opened them in astonishment, half-a-sovereign fell to the ground. "Praise theLord!" I exclaimed; "400 per cent for twelve hours investment; that is good interest. How glad the merchants of Hull would be if they could lend their money at such a rate!" I then and there determined that a bank which could not break should have my savings or earnings as the case might be—a determination I have not yet learned to regret.
I cannot tell you how often my mind has recurred to this incident, or all the help it has been to me in circumstances of difficulty in after-life. If we are faithful toGodin little things, we shall gain experience and strength that will be helpful to us in the more serious trials of life.