Chapter 10

Tib.See, gammer, gammer, Gib our cat, cham afraid what she aileth,She stands me gasping behind the door, as though her wind her faileth.Now mot[269]ich doubt what Gib should mean, that now she doth so doat.[270]Hodge.Hold hither, ich hold twenty pound, your nee'le is in her throat.Grope her, ich say, methinks ich feel it; does not prick your hand?Gammer.Ich can feel nothing.Hodge.No! ich know that's not within this landA murrainer cat than Gib is, betwixt the Thames and Tyne,Sh'ase as much wit in her head almost as ch'ave in mine.Tib.Faith, sh'ase eaten something, that will not easily down,Whether she gat it at home, or abroad in the town,Ich cannot tell.Gammer.Alas! ich fear it be some crooked pin,And then farewell Gib, she is undone and lost, all save the skin.Hodge.'Tis[271]your nee'le, woman, I say; Gog's soul, give me a knife,And chill have it out of her maw, or else chall lose my life.Gammer.What! nay, Hodge, fie, kill not our cat, 'tis all the cats we ha' now.Hodge.By the mass, dame Chat hase me so moved, ich care not what I kill, ma' God a vow.Go to then, Tib, to this gear, hold up her tail and take her,Chill see what devil is in her guts, chill take the pains to rake her.Gammer.Rake a cat, Hodge! what wouldest thou do?Hodge.What, think'st that cham not able?Did not Tom Tankard rake his curtal t'o'er day standing in the stable?Gammer.Soft, be content, let's hear what news Cock bringeth from Master Rat.Cock.Gammer, chave been there as you bad, you wot well about what.'Twill not be long before he come, ich durst swear off a book,He bid you see ye be at home, and there for him to look.Gammer.Where didst thou find him, boy? was he not where I told thee?Cock.Yes, yes, even at Hob Filcher's house, by him that bought and sold me:A cup of ale had in his hand, and a crab lay in the fire:Chad much a-do to go and come, all was so full of mire:And, gammer, one thing I can tell: Hob Filcher's nawl was lost,And Doctor Rat found it again, hard beside the door-post.Ich hold a penny can say something, your nee'le again to fet.[272]Gammer.Cham glad to hear so much, Cock, then trust he will not letTo help us herein best he can; therefore, till time he come,Let us go in, if there be ought to get, thou shalt have some.

Tib.See, gammer, gammer, Gib our cat, cham afraid what she aileth,

She stands me gasping behind the door, as though her wind her faileth.

Now mot[269]ich doubt what Gib should mean, that now she doth so doat.[270]

Hodge.Hold hither, ich hold twenty pound, your nee'le is in her throat.Grope her, ich say, methinks ich feel it; does not prick your hand?

Hodge.Hold hither, ich hold twenty pound, your nee'le is in her throat.

Grope her, ich say, methinks ich feel it; does not prick your hand?

Gammer.Ich can feel nothing.

Hodge.No! ich know that's not within this landA murrainer cat than Gib is, betwixt the Thames and Tyne,Sh'ase as much wit in her head almost as ch'ave in mine.

Hodge.No! ich know that's not within this land

A murrainer cat than Gib is, betwixt the Thames and Tyne,

Sh'ase as much wit in her head almost as ch'ave in mine.

Tib.Faith, sh'ase eaten something, that will not easily down,Whether she gat it at home, or abroad in the town,Ich cannot tell.

Tib.Faith, sh'ase eaten something, that will not easily down,

Whether she gat it at home, or abroad in the town,

Ich cannot tell.

Gammer.Alas! ich fear it be some crooked pin,And then farewell Gib, she is undone and lost, all save the skin.

Gammer.Alas! ich fear it be some crooked pin,

And then farewell Gib, she is undone and lost, all save the skin.

Hodge.'Tis[271]your nee'le, woman, I say; Gog's soul, give me a knife,And chill have it out of her maw, or else chall lose my life.

Hodge.'Tis[271]your nee'le, woman, I say; Gog's soul, give me a knife,

And chill have it out of her maw, or else chall lose my life.

Gammer.What! nay, Hodge, fie, kill not our cat, 'tis all the cats we ha' now.

Hodge.By the mass, dame Chat hase me so moved, ich care not what I kill, ma' God a vow.Go to then, Tib, to this gear, hold up her tail and take her,Chill see what devil is in her guts, chill take the pains to rake her.

Hodge.By the mass, dame Chat hase me so moved, ich care not what I kill, ma' God a vow.

Go to then, Tib, to this gear, hold up her tail and take her,

Chill see what devil is in her guts, chill take the pains to rake her.

Gammer.Rake a cat, Hodge! what wouldest thou do?

Hodge.What, think'st that cham not able?Did not Tom Tankard rake his curtal t'o'er day standing in the stable?

Hodge.What, think'st that cham not able?

Did not Tom Tankard rake his curtal t'o'er day standing in the stable?

Gammer.Soft, be content, let's hear what news Cock bringeth from Master Rat.

Cock.Gammer, chave been there as you bad, you wot well about what.'Twill not be long before he come, ich durst swear off a book,He bid you see ye be at home, and there for him to look.

Cock.Gammer, chave been there as you bad, you wot well about what.

'Twill not be long before he come, ich durst swear off a book,

He bid you see ye be at home, and there for him to look.

Gammer.Where didst thou find him, boy? was he not where I told thee?

Cock.Yes, yes, even at Hob Filcher's house, by him that bought and sold me:A cup of ale had in his hand, and a crab lay in the fire:Chad much a-do to go and come, all was so full of mire:And, gammer, one thing I can tell: Hob Filcher's nawl was lost,And Doctor Rat found it again, hard beside the door-post.Ich hold a penny can say something, your nee'le again to fet.[272]

Cock.Yes, yes, even at Hob Filcher's house, by him that bought and sold me:

A cup of ale had in his hand, and a crab lay in the fire:

Chad much a-do to go and come, all was so full of mire:

And, gammer, one thing I can tell: Hob Filcher's nawl was lost,

And Doctor Rat found it again, hard beside the door-post.

Ich hold a penny can say something, your nee'le again to fet.[272]

Gammer.Cham glad to hear so much, Cock, then trust he will not letTo help us herein best he can; therefore, till time he come,Let us go in, if there be ought to get, thou shalt have some.

Gammer.Cham glad to hear so much, Cock, then trust he will not let

To help us herein best he can; therefore, till time he come,

Let us go in, if there be ought to get, thou shalt have some.

THE FIRST SCENE.

Doctor Rat, Gammer Gurton.

Doctor Rat.A man were better twenty times be a bandog and bark,Than here among such a sort be parish priest or clerk.Where he shall never be at rest one pissing while[273]a day,But he must trudge about the town this way, and [then] that way,Here to a drab, there to a thief, his shoes to tear and rent,And that which is worst of all, at every knave's commandment.I had not sit the space to drink two pots of ale,But Gammer Gurton's sorry boy was straightway at my tail;And she was sick, and I must come, to do I wot not what:If once her finger's-end but ache: trudge, call for Doctor Rat.And when I come not at their call, I only thereby lose,For I am sure to lack therefore a tithe-pig or a goose.I warrant you, when truth is known, and told they have their tale,The matter whereabout I come is not worth a half-pennyworth of ale:Yet must I talk so sage and smooth, as though I were a gloserBut ere the year come at an end, I shall be sure the loser.What work ye, Gammer Gurton? know here is your friend Doctor Rat.Gammer.Ah! good master Doctor, 'ch a troubled, 'ch a troubled you, 'ch wot well that.Doctor Rat.How do ye, woman? be ye lusty, or be ye not well at ease?Gammer.By Gis,[274]master, cham not sick, but yet chave a disease.Chad a foul turn now of late, chill tell it you by gigs.Doctor Rat.Hath your brown cow cast her calf, or your sandy sow her pigs?Gammer.No, but chad been as good they had, as this, ich wot well.Doctor Rat.What is the matter?Gammer.Alas, alas, 'ch a lost my good nee'le.My nee'le, I say, and wot ye what? a drab came by, and spied it,And when I asked her for the same, the filth flatly denied it.Doctor Rat.What was she that—Gammer.A dame, ich warrant you: she began to scold and brawl;Alas, alas, come hither, Hodge; this wretch can tell you all.

Doctor Rat.A man were better twenty times be a bandog and bark,

Than here among such a sort be parish priest or clerk.

Where he shall never be at rest one pissing while[273]a day,

But he must trudge about the town this way, and [then] that way,

Here to a drab, there to a thief, his shoes to tear and rent,

And that which is worst of all, at every knave's commandment.

I had not sit the space to drink two pots of ale,

But Gammer Gurton's sorry boy was straightway at my tail;

And she was sick, and I must come, to do I wot not what:

If once her finger's-end but ache: trudge, call for Doctor Rat.

And when I come not at their call, I only thereby lose,

For I am sure to lack therefore a tithe-pig or a goose.

I warrant you, when truth is known, and told they have their tale,

The matter whereabout I come is not worth a half-pennyworth of ale:

Yet must I talk so sage and smooth, as though I were a gloser

But ere the year come at an end, I shall be sure the loser.

What work ye, Gammer Gurton? know here is your friend Doctor Rat.

Gammer.Ah! good master Doctor, 'ch a troubled, 'ch a troubled you, 'ch wot well that.

Doctor Rat.How do ye, woman? be ye lusty, or be ye not well at ease?

Gammer.By Gis,[274]master, cham not sick, but yet chave a disease.Chad a foul turn now of late, chill tell it you by gigs.

Gammer.By Gis,[274]master, cham not sick, but yet chave a disease.

Chad a foul turn now of late, chill tell it you by gigs.

Doctor Rat.Hath your brown cow cast her calf, or your sandy sow her pigs?

Gammer.No, but chad been as good they had, as this, ich wot well.

Doctor Rat.What is the matter?

Gammer.Alas, alas, 'ch a lost my good nee'le.My nee'le, I say, and wot ye what? a drab came by, and spied it,And when I asked her for the same, the filth flatly denied it.

Gammer.Alas, alas, 'ch a lost my good nee'le.

My nee'le, I say, and wot ye what? a drab came by, and spied it,

And when I asked her for the same, the filth flatly denied it.

Doctor Rat.What was she that—

Gammer.A dame, ich warrant you: she began to scold and brawl;Alas, alas, come hither, Hodge; this wretch can tell you all.

Gammer.A dame, ich warrant you: she began to scold and brawl;

Alas, alas, come hither, Hodge; this wretch can tell you all.

THE FOURTH ACT.

THE SECOND SCENE.

Hodge, Doctor Rat, Gammer, Diccon, Chat.

Hodge.Good morrow, Gaffer Vicar.Doctor Rat.Come on, fellow, let us hear.Thy dame hath said to me, thou knowest of all this gear?Let's see what thou canst say.Hodge.By m' fay, sir, that ye shall,What matter soever here was done, ich can tell your maship:My Gammer Gurton here, see now,Sat her down at this door, see now,And as she began to stir her, see now,Her nee'le fell in the floor, see now,And while her staff she took, see now,At Gib her cat to fling, see now,Her nee'le was lost in the floor, see now;Is not this a wondrous thing, see now?Then came the quean dame Chat, see now,To ask for her black cup, see now:And even here at this gate, see now,She took that nee'le up, see now,My gammer then she yede,[275]see now,Her nee'le again to bring, see now,And was caught by the head, see now;Is not this a wondrous thing, see now?She tare my gammer's coat, see now,And scratched her by the face, see now,Chad thought sh'ad stopp'd her throat, see now;Is not this a wondrous case, see now?When ich saw this, ich was wroth, see now,And stert between them twain, see now,Else ich durst take a book-oath, see now,My gammer had been slain, see now.Gammer.This is even the whole matter, as Hodge has plainly told.And chould fain be quiet for my part, that chould.But help us, good master, beseech ye that ye do,Else shall we both be beaten, and lose our nee'le too.Doctor Rat.What would ye have me to do? tell me, that I were gone,I will do the best that I can to set you both at one.But be ye sure dame Chat hath this your nee'le found?Gammer.Here comes the man, that see her take it up off the ground,Ask him yourself, Master Rat, if ye believe not me,And help me to my nee'le, for God's sake and Saint Charity.[276]Doctor Rat.Come near, Diccon, and let us hear what thou can express.Wilt thou be sworn, thou seest dame Chat this woman's nee'le have?Diccon.Nay, by Saint Benet, will I not, then might ye think me rave.[277]Gammer.Why did'st not thou tell me so even here? canst thou for shame deny it?Diccon.Ay, marry, gammer: but I said I would not abide by it.Doctor Rat.Will you say a thing, and not stick to it to try it?Diccon.Stick to it, quoth you, Master Rat? marry, sir, I defy it.[278]Nay, there is many an honest man, when he such blasts hath blownIn his friend's ears, he would be loth the same by him were known:If such a toy be used oft among the honesty,[279]It may [not] beseem a simple man of your and my degree.Doctor Rat.Then we be never the nearer, for all that you can tell.Diccon.Yes, marry, sir, if ye will do by mine advice and counsel:If mother Chat see all us here, she ['ll] know how the matter goes,Therefore I reed you three go hence, and within keep close;And I will into dame Chat's house, and so the matter use,That ere ye could go twice to church, I warrant you hear news.That ere ye could go twice to church, I warrant you hear news.She shall look well about her, but I durst lay a pledge,Ye shall of gammer's nee'le have shortly better knowledge.Gammer.Now, gentle Diccon, do so; and, good sir, let us trudge.Doctor Rat.By the mass, I may not tarry so long to be your judge.Diccon.'Tis but a little while, man: what, take so much pain;If I hear no news of it, I will come soon here[280]again.Hodge.Tarry so much, good Master Doctor, of your gentleness.Doctor Rat.Then let us hie inward, and, Diccon, speed thy business.Diccon.Now, sirs, do you no more, but keep my counsel just,And Doctor Rat shall thus catch some good, I trust;But mother Chat, my gossip, talk first withal I must,For she must be chief captain to lay the Rat in the dust.[Aside.Exit.Good even,[281]dame Chat, in faith, and well-met in this place.Chat.Good even, my friend Diccon, whither walk ye this pace?Diccon.By my truth, even to you, to learn how the world goeth.Heard ye no more of the other matter, say me now, by your troth?Chat.O yes, Diccon: hear the old whore and Hodge that great knave.But, in faith, I would thou hadst seen: O Lord, I drest them brave.She bare me two or three souses behind in the nape of the neck,Till I made her old weasand to answer again keck.And Hodge, that dirty bastard, that at her elbow stands,If one pair of legs had not been worth two pair of hands,He had had his beard shaven, if my nails would have served,And not without a cause, for the knave it well deserved.Diccon.By the mass, I can[282]thee thank, wench, thou didst so well acquit thee.Chat.And th' adst seen him, Diccon, it would have made thee beshit theeFor laughter: the whoreson dolt at last caught up a club,As though he would have slain the master-devil, Belsabub;But I set him soon inward.Diccon.O Lord! there is the thing,That Hodge is so offended, that makes him start and fling.Chat.Why, makes the knave any noiling,[283]as ye have seen or heard?Diccon.Even now I saw him last, like a mad man he far'd,And sware by heaven and hell, he would a-wreak his sorrow,And leave you never a hen alive by eight of the clock to-morrow:Therefore mark what I say, and my words see that ye trust,Your hens be as good as dead, if ye leave them on the roost.Chat.The knave dare as well go hang himself, as go upon my ground.Diccon.Well, yet take heed, I say, I must tell you my tale round:Have you not about your house, behind your furnace or lead,A hole where a crafty knave may creep in for need?Chat.Yes, by the mass, a hole broke down even within these two days.Diccon.Hodge, he intends this same night to slip in thereaways.Chat.O Christ, that I were sure of it! in faith, he should have his meed.[284]Diccon.Watch well, for the knave will be there as sure as is your creed;I would spend myself a shilling to have him swinged well.Chat.I am as glad as a woman can be of this thing to hear tell;By Gog's bones, when he cometh, now that I know the matter,He shall sure at the first skip to leap in scalding water:With a worse turn besides: when he will, let him come.Diccon.I tell you as my sister; you know what meaneth mum.Now lack I but my doctor to play his part again.[Aside.And lo, where he cometh towards, peradventure to his pain.[Leaves Mother Chat.Doctor Rat.What good news, Diccon? fellow, is mother Chat at home?Diccon.She is, sir, and she is not; but it please her to whom:Yet did I take her tardy, as subtle as she was.Doctor Rat.The thing that thou went'st for, hast thou brought it to pass?Diccon.I have done that I have done, be it worse, be it better.And dame Chat at her wits-end I have almost set her.Doctor Rat.Why, hast thou spied the nee'le: quickly, I pray thee tell?Diccon.I have spied it in faith, sir, I handled myself so well;And yet the crafty quean had almost take my trump;But, ere all came to an end, I set her in a dump.Doctor Rat.How so, I pray thee, Diccon?Diccon.Marry, sir, will ye hear?She was clapp'd down on the backside,[285]by Cock's[286]mother dear,And there she sat sewing a halter or a band,With no other thing but gammer's needle in her hand:As soon as any knock, if the filth be in doubt,She needs but once puff, and her candle is out:Now I, sir, knowing of every door the pin,Came nicely, and said no word, till time I was within,And there I saw the nee'le, even with these two eyes.Whoever say the contrary, I will swear he lies.Doctor Rat.O Diccon, that I was not there then in thy stead!Diccon.Well, if ye will be ordered, and do by my reed,I will bring you to a place, as the house stands,Where ye shall take the drab with the nee'le in her hands.Doctor Rat.For God's sake, do so, Diccon, and I will gage my gown,To give thee a full pot of the best ale in the town.Diccon.Follow me but a little, and mark what I say,Lay down your gown beside you, go to, come on your way:See ye not what is here? a hole wherein ye may creepInto the house, and suddenly unawares among them leap;There shall ye find the bitch-fox and the nee'le together.Do as I bid you, man, come on your ways hither.Doctor Rat.Art thou sure, Diccon, the swill-tub stands not hereabout?Diccon.I was within myself, man, even now, there is no doubt.Go softly, make no noise, give me your foot, sir John,Here will I wait upon you, till you come out anon.[D. Rat creeps in.Doctor Rat[calling from within]. Help, Diccon,out alas, I shall be slain among them.Diccon.If they give you not the needle, tell them that ye will hang them.Ware that! how, my wenches, have ye caught the fox,That used to make revel among your hens and cocks?Save his life yet for his order, though he sustain some pain.Gog's bread, I am afraid they will beat out his brain.Doctor Rat.Woe worth the hour that I came here;And woe worth him that wrought this gear,A sort of drabs and queans have me blest,Was ever creature half so evil drest?Whoever it wrought, and first did invent it,He shall, I warrant him, ere long repent it.I will spend all I have without my skin,But he shall be brought to the plight I am in;Master Baily, I trow, and he be worth his ears,Will snaffle these murderers, and all that [with] them bears:I will surely neither bite nor sup,Till I fetch him hither, this matter to take up.

Hodge.Good morrow, Gaffer Vicar.

Doctor Rat.Come on, fellow, let us hear.Thy dame hath said to me, thou knowest of all this gear?Let's see what thou canst say.

Doctor Rat.Come on, fellow, let us hear.

Thy dame hath said to me, thou knowest of all this gear?

Let's see what thou canst say.

Hodge.By m' fay, sir, that ye shall,What matter soever here was done, ich can tell your maship:My Gammer Gurton here, see now,Sat her down at this door, see now,And as she began to stir her, see now,Her nee'le fell in the floor, see now,And while her staff she took, see now,At Gib her cat to fling, see now,Her nee'le was lost in the floor, see now;Is not this a wondrous thing, see now?Then came the quean dame Chat, see now,To ask for her black cup, see now:And even here at this gate, see now,She took that nee'le up, see now,My gammer then she yede,[275]see now,Her nee'le again to bring, see now,And was caught by the head, see now;Is not this a wondrous thing, see now?She tare my gammer's coat, see now,And scratched her by the face, see now,Chad thought sh'ad stopp'd her throat, see now;Is not this a wondrous case, see now?When ich saw this, ich was wroth, see now,And stert between them twain, see now,Else ich durst take a book-oath, see now,My gammer had been slain, see now.

Hodge.By m' fay, sir, that ye shall,

What matter soever here was done, ich can tell your maship:

My Gammer Gurton here, see now,

Sat her down at this door, see now,

And as she began to stir her, see now,

Her nee'le fell in the floor, see now,

And while her staff she took, see now,

At Gib her cat to fling, see now,

Her nee'le was lost in the floor, see now;

Is not this a wondrous thing, see now?

Then came the quean dame Chat, see now,

To ask for her black cup, see now:

And even here at this gate, see now,

She took that nee'le up, see now,

My gammer then she yede,[275]see now,

Her nee'le again to bring, see now,

And was caught by the head, see now;

Is not this a wondrous thing, see now?

She tare my gammer's coat, see now,

And scratched her by the face, see now,

Chad thought sh'ad stopp'd her throat, see now;

Is not this a wondrous case, see now?

When ich saw this, ich was wroth, see now,

And stert between them twain, see now,

Else ich durst take a book-oath, see now,

My gammer had been slain, see now.

Gammer.This is even the whole matter, as Hodge has plainly told.And chould fain be quiet for my part, that chould.But help us, good master, beseech ye that ye do,Else shall we both be beaten, and lose our nee'le too.

Gammer.This is even the whole matter, as Hodge has plainly told.

And chould fain be quiet for my part, that chould.

But help us, good master, beseech ye that ye do,

Else shall we both be beaten, and lose our nee'le too.

Doctor Rat.What would ye have me to do? tell me, that I were gone,I will do the best that I can to set you both at one.But be ye sure dame Chat hath this your nee'le found?

Doctor Rat.What would ye have me to do? tell me, that I were gone,

I will do the best that I can to set you both at one.

But be ye sure dame Chat hath this your nee'le found?

Gammer.Here comes the man, that see her take it up off the ground,Ask him yourself, Master Rat, if ye believe not me,And help me to my nee'le, for God's sake and Saint Charity.[276]

Gammer.Here comes the man, that see her take it up off the ground,

Ask him yourself, Master Rat, if ye believe not me,

And help me to my nee'le, for God's sake and Saint Charity.[276]

Doctor Rat.Come near, Diccon, and let us hear what thou can express.Wilt thou be sworn, thou seest dame Chat this woman's nee'le have?

Doctor Rat.Come near, Diccon, and let us hear what thou can express.

Wilt thou be sworn, thou seest dame Chat this woman's nee'le have?

Diccon.Nay, by Saint Benet, will I not, then might ye think me rave.[277]

Gammer.Why did'st not thou tell me so even here? canst thou for shame deny it?

Diccon.Ay, marry, gammer: but I said I would not abide by it.

Doctor Rat.Will you say a thing, and not stick to it to try it?

Diccon.Stick to it, quoth you, Master Rat? marry, sir, I defy it.[278]Nay, there is many an honest man, when he such blasts hath blownIn his friend's ears, he would be loth the same by him were known:If such a toy be used oft among the honesty,[279]It may [not] beseem a simple man of your and my degree.

Diccon.Stick to it, quoth you, Master Rat? marry, sir, I defy it.[278]

Nay, there is many an honest man, when he such blasts hath blown

In his friend's ears, he would be loth the same by him were known:

If such a toy be used oft among the honesty,[279]

It may [not] beseem a simple man of your and my degree.

Doctor Rat.Then we be never the nearer, for all that you can tell.

Diccon.Yes, marry, sir, if ye will do by mine advice and counsel:If mother Chat see all us here, she ['ll] know how the matter goes,Therefore I reed you three go hence, and within keep close;And I will into dame Chat's house, and so the matter use,That ere ye could go twice to church, I warrant you hear news.That ere ye could go twice to church, I warrant you hear news.She shall look well about her, but I durst lay a pledge,Ye shall of gammer's nee'le have shortly better knowledge.

Diccon.Yes, marry, sir, if ye will do by mine advice and counsel:

If mother Chat see all us here, she ['ll] know how the matter goes,

Therefore I reed you three go hence, and within keep close;

And I will into dame Chat's house, and so the matter use,

That ere ye could go twice to church, I warrant you hear news.

She shall look well about her, but I durst lay a pledge,

Ye shall of gammer's nee'le have shortly better knowledge.

Gammer.Now, gentle Diccon, do so; and, good sir, let us trudge.

Doctor Rat.By the mass, I may not tarry so long to be your judge.

Diccon.'Tis but a little while, man: what, take so much pain;If I hear no news of it, I will come soon here[280]again.

Diccon.'Tis but a little while, man: what, take so much pain;

If I hear no news of it, I will come soon here[280]again.

Hodge.Tarry so much, good Master Doctor, of your gentleness.

Doctor Rat.Then let us hie inward, and, Diccon, speed thy business.

Diccon.Now, sirs, do you no more, but keep my counsel just,And Doctor Rat shall thus catch some good, I trust;But mother Chat, my gossip, talk first withal I must,For she must be chief captain to lay the Rat in the dust.[Aside.Exit.Good even,[281]dame Chat, in faith, and well-met in this place.

Diccon.Now, sirs, do you no more, but keep my counsel just,

And Doctor Rat shall thus catch some good, I trust;

But mother Chat, my gossip, talk first withal I must,

For she must be chief captain to lay the Rat in the dust.[Aside.Exit.

Good even,[281]dame Chat, in faith, and well-met in this place.

Chat.Good even, my friend Diccon, whither walk ye this pace?

Diccon.By my truth, even to you, to learn how the world goeth.Heard ye no more of the other matter, say me now, by your troth?

Diccon.By my truth, even to you, to learn how the world goeth.

Heard ye no more of the other matter, say me now, by your troth?

Chat.O yes, Diccon: hear the old whore and Hodge that great knave.But, in faith, I would thou hadst seen: O Lord, I drest them brave.She bare me two or three souses behind in the nape of the neck,Till I made her old weasand to answer again keck.And Hodge, that dirty bastard, that at her elbow stands,If one pair of legs had not been worth two pair of hands,He had had his beard shaven, if my nails would have served,And not without a cause, for the knave it well deserved.

Chat.O yes, Diccon: hear the old whore and Hodge that great knave.

But, in faith, I would thou hadst seen: O Lord, I drest them brave.

She bare me two or three souses behind in the nape of the neck,

Till I made her old weasand to answer again keck.

And Hodge, that dirty bastard, that at her elbow stands,

If one pair of legs had not been worth two pair of hands,

He had had his beard shaven, if my nails would have served,

And not without a cause, for the knave it well deserved.

Diccon.By the mass, I can[282]thee thank, wench, thou didst so well acquit thee.

Chat.And th' adst seen him, Diccon, it would have made thee beshit theeFor laughter: the whoreson dolt at last caught up a club,As though he would have slain the master-devil, Belsabub;But I set him soon inward.

Chat.And th' adst seen him, Diccon, it would have made thee beshit thee

For laughter: the whoreson dolt at last caught up a club,

As though he would have slain the master-devil, Belsabub;

But I set him soon inward.

Diccon.O Lord! there is the thing,That Hodge is so offended, that makes him start and fling.

Diccon.O Lord! there is the thing,

That Hodge is so offended, that makes him start and fling.

Chat.Why, makes the knave any noiling,[283]as ye have seen or heard?

Diccon.Even now I saw him last, like a mad man he far'd,And sware by heaven and hell, he would a-wreak his sorrow,And leave you never a hen alive by eight of the clock to-morrow:Therefore mark what I say, and my words see that ye trust,Your hens be as good as dead, if ye leave them on the roost.

Diccon.Even now I saw him last, like a mad man he far'd,

And sware by heaven and hell, he would a-wreak his sorrow,

And leave you never a hen alive by eight of the clock to-morrow:

Therefore mark what I say, and my words see that ye trust,

Your hens be as good as dead, if ye leave them on the roost.

Chat.The knave dare as well go hang himself, as go upon my ground.

Diccon.Well, yet take heed, I say, I must tell you my tale round:Have you not about your house, behind your furnace or lead,A hole where a crafty knave may creep in for need?

Diccon.Well, yet take heed, I say, I must tell you my tale round:

Have you not about your house, behind your furnace or lead,

A hole where a crafty knave may creep in for need?

Chat.Yes, by the mass, a hole broke down even within these two days.

Diccon.Hodge, he intends this same night to slip in thereaways.

Chat.O Christ, that I were sure of it! in faith, he should have his meed.[284]

Diccon.Watch well, for the knave will be there as sure as is your creed;I would spend myself a shilling to have him swinged well.

Diccon.Watch well, for the knave will be there as sure as is your creed;

I would spend myself a shilling to have him swinged well.

Chat.I am as glad as a woman can be of this thing to hear tell;By Gog's bones, when he cometh, now that I know the matter,He shall sure at the first skip to leap in scalding water:With a worse turn besides: when he will, let him come.

Chat.I am as glad as a woman can be of this thing to hear tell;

By Gog's bones, when he cometh, now that I know the matter,

He shall sure at the first skip to leap in scalding water:

With a worse turn besides: when he will, let him come.

Diccon.I tell you as my sister; you know what meaneth mum.Now lack I but my doctor to play his part again.[Aside.And lo, where he cometh towards, peradventure to his pain.[Leaves Mother Chat.

Diccon.I tell you as my sister; you know what meaneth mum.

Now lack I but my doctor to play his part again.[Aside.

And lo, where he cometh towards, peradventure to his pain.[Leaves Mother Chat.

Doctor Rat.What good news, Diccon? fellow, is mother Chat at home?

Diccon.She is, sir, and she is not; but it please her to whom:Yet did I take her tardy, as subtle as she was.

Diccon.She is, sir, and she is not; but it please her to whom:

Yet did I take her tardy, as subtle as she was.

Doctor Rat.The thing that thou went'st for, hast thou brought it to pass?

Diccon.I have done that I have done, be it worse, be it better.And dame Chat at her wits-end I have almost set her.

Diccon.I have done that I have done, be it worse, be it better.

And dame Chat at her wits-end I have almost set her.

Doctor Rat.Why, hast thou spied the nee'le: quickly, I pray thee tell?

Diccon.I have spied it in faith, sir, I handled myself so well;And yet the crafty quean had almost take my trump;But, ere all came to an end, I set her in a dump.

Diccon.I have spied it in faith, sir, I handled myself so well;

And yet the crafty quean had almost take my trump;

But, ere all came to an end, I set her in a dump.

Doctor Rat.How so, I pray thee, Diccon?

Diccon.Marry, sir, will ye hear?She was clapp'd down on the backside,[285]by Cock's[286]mother dear,And there she sat sewing a halter or a band,With no other thing but gammer's needle in her hand:As soon as any knock, if the filth be in doubt,She needs but once puff, and her candle is out:Now I, sir, knowing of every door the pin,Came nicely, and said no word, till time I was within,And there I saw the nee'le, even with these two eyes.Whoever say the contrary, I will swear he lies.

Diccon.Marry, sir, will ye hear?

She was clapp'd down on the backside,[285]by Cock's[286]mother dear,

And there she sat sewing a halter or a band,

With no other thing but gammer's needle in her hand:

As soon as any knock, if the filth be in doubt,

She needs but once puff, and her candle is out:

Now I, sir, knowing of every door the pin,

Came nicely, and said no word, till time I was within,

And there I saw the nee'le, even with these two eyes.

Whoever say the contrary, I will swear he lies.

Doctor Rat.O Diccon, that I was not there then in thy stead!

Diccon.Well, if ye will be ordered, and do by my reed,I will bring you to a place, as the house stands,Where ye shall take the drab with the nee'le in her hands.

Diccon.Well, if ye will be ordered, and do by my reed,

I will bring you to a place, as the house stands,

Where ye shall take the drab with the nee'le in her hands.

Doctor Rat.For God's sake, do so, Diccon, and I will gage my gown,To give thee a full pot of the best ale in the town.

Doctor Rat.For God's sake, do so, Diccon, and I will gage my gown,

To give thee a full pot of the best ale in the town.

Diccon.Follow me but a little, and mark what I say,Lay down your gown beside you, go to, come on your way:See ye not what is here? a hole wherein ye may creepInto the house, and suddenly unawares among them leap;There shall ye find the bitch-fox and the nee'le together.Do as I bid you, man, come on your ways hither.

Diccon.Follow me but a little, and mark what I say,

Lay down your gown beside you, go to, come on your way:

See ye not what is here? a hole wherein ye may creep

Into the house, and suddenly unawares among them leap;

There shall ye find the bitch-fox and the nee'le together.

Do as I bid you, man, come on your ways hither.

Doctor Rat.Art thou sure, Diccon, the swill-tub stands not hereabout?

Diccon.I was within myself, man, even now, there is no doubt.Go softly, make no noise, give me your foot, sir John,Here will I wait upon you, till you come out anon.[D. Rat creeps in.

Diccon.I was within myself, man, even now, there is no doubt.

Go softly, make no noise, give me your foot, sir John,

Here will I wait upon you, till you come out anon.[D. Rat creeps in.

Doctor Rat[calling from within]. Help, Diccon,out alas, I shall be slain among them.

Doctor Rat[calling from within]. Help, Diccon,

out alas, I shall be slain among them.

Diccon.If they give you not the needle, tell them that ye will hang them.Ware that! how, my wenches, have ye caught the fox,That used to make revel among your hens and cocks?Save his life yet for his order, though he sustain some pain.Gog's bread, I am afraid they will beat out his brain.

Diccon.If they give you not the needle, tell them that ye will hang them.

Ware that! how, my wenches, have ye caught the fox,

That used to make revel among your hens and cocks?

Save his life yet for his order, though he sustain some pain.

Gog's bread, I am afraid they will beat out his brain.

Doctor Rat.Woe worth the hour that I came here;And woe worth him that wrought this gear,A sort of drabs and queans have me blest,Was ever creature half so evil drest?Whoever it wrought, and first did invent it,He shall, I warrant him, ere long repent it.I will spend all I have without my skin,But he shall be brought to the plight I am in;Master Baily, I trow, and he be worth his ears,Will snaffle these murderers, and all that [with] them bears:I will surely neither bite nor sup,Till I fetch him hither, this matter to take up.

Doctor Rat.Woe worth the hour that I came here;

And woe worth him that wrought this gear,

A sort of drabs and queans have me blest,

Was ever creature half so evil drest?

Whoever it wrought, and first did invent it,

He shall, I warrant him, ere long repent it.

I will spend all I have without my skin,

But he shall be brought to the plight I am in;

Master Baily, I trow, and he be worth his ears,

Will snaffle these murderers, and all that [with] them bears:

I will surely neither bite nor sup,

Till I fetch him hither, this matter to take up.

THE FIRST SCENE.

Master Baily, Doctor Rat.

Baily.I can perceive none other, I speak it from my heart,But either ye are all in the fault, or else in the greatest part.Doctor Rat.If it be counted his fault, besides all his griefs,When a poor man is spoiled, and beaten among thieves,Then I confess my fault herein at this season;But I hope you will not judge so much against reason.Baily.And methinks by your own tale, of all that ye name,If any played the thief, you were the very same:The women they did nothing, as your words made probation,But stoutly withstood your forcible invasion.If that a thief at your window to enter should begin,Would you hold forth your hand, and help to pull him in?Or would[287]you keep him out? I pray you answer me.Doctor Rat.Marry, keep him out: and a good cause why.But I am no thief, sir, but an honest learned clerk.Baily.Yea, but who knoweth that, when he meets you in the dark?I am sure your learning shines not out at your nose.Was it any marvel, though the poor woman arose,And start up, being afraid of that was in her purse?Me-think you may be glad that your[288]luck was no worse.Doctor Rat.Is not this evil enough, I pray you, as you think?[Showing his broken head.Baily.Yea, but a man in the dark oft[289]chances to wink,As soon he smites his father as any other man,Because, for lack of light, discern him he ne can.Might it not have been your luck with a spit to have been slain?Doctor Rat.I think I am little better, my scalp is cloven to the brain:If there be all the remedy, I know who bears the knocks.[290]Baily.By my troth, and well worthy besides to kiss the stocks.To come in on the back side, when ye might go about,I know none such, unless they long to have their brains knock'd out.Doctor Rat.Well, will you be so good, sir, as talk with dame Chat,And know what she intended, I ask no more but that.Baily.Let her be called, fellow, because of master doctor,I warrant in this case, she will be her own proctor:She will tell her own tale, in metre or in prose,And bid you seek your remedy, and so go wipe your nose.

Baily.I can perceive none other, I speak it from my heart,But either ye are all in the fault, or else in the greatest part.

Baily.I can perceive none other, I speak it from my heart,

But either ye are all in the fault, or else in the greatest part.

Doctor Rat.If it be counted his fault, besides all his griefs,When a poor man is spoiled, and beaten among thieves,Then I confess my fault herein at this season;But I hope you will not judge so much against reason.

Doctor Rat.If it be counted his fault, besides all his griefs,

When a poor man is spoiled, and beaten among thieves,

Then I confess my fault herein at this season;

But I hope you will not judge so much against reason.

Baily.And methinks by your own tale, of all that ye name,

If any played the thief, you were the very same:The women they did nothing, as your words made probation,But stoutly withstood your forcible invasion.If that a thief at your window to enter should begin,Would you hold forth your hand, and help to pull him in?Or would[287]you keep him out? I pray you answer me.

If any played the thief, you were the very same:

The women they did nothing, as your words made probation,

But stoutly withstood your forcible invasion.

If that a thief at your window to enter should begin,

Would you hold forth your hand, and help to pull him in?

Or would[287]you keep him out? I pray you answer me.

Doctor Rat.Marry, keep him out: and a good cause why.But I am no thief, sir, but an honest learned clerk.

Doctor Rat.Marry, keep him out: and a good cause why.

But I am no thief, sir, but an honest learned clerk.

Baily.Yea, but who knoweth that, when he meets you in the dark?I am sure your learning shines not out at your nose.Was it any marvel, though the poor woman arose,And start up, being afraid of that was in her purse?Me-think you may be glad that your[288]luck was no worse.

Baily.Yea, but who knoweth that, when he meets you in the dark?

I am sure your learning shines not out at your nose.

Was it any marvel, though the poor woman arose,

And start up, being afraid of that was in her purse?

Me-think you may be glad that your[288]luck was no worse.

Doctor Rat.Is not this evil enough, I pray you, as you think?[Showing his broken head.

Doctor Rat.Is not this evil enough, I pray you, as you think?

[Showing his broken head.

Baily.Yea, but a man in the dark oft[289]chances to wink,As soon he smites his father as any other man,Because, for lack of light, discern him he ne can.Might it not have been your luck with a spit to have been slain?

Baily.Yea, but a man in the dark oft[289]chances to wink,

As soon he smites his father as any other man,

Because, for lack of light, discern him he ne can.

Might it not have been your luck with a spit to have been slain?

Doctor Rat.I think I am little better, my scalp is cloven to the brain:If there be all the remedy, I know who bears the knocks.[290]

Doctor Rat.I think I am little better, my scalp is cloven to the brain:

If there be all the remedy, I know who bears the knocks.[290]

Baily.By my troth, and well worthy besides to kiss the stocks.To come in on the back side, when ye might go about,I know none such, unless they long to have their brains knock'd out.

Baily.By my troth, and well worthy besides to kiss the stocks.

To come in on the back side, when ye might go about,

I know none such, unless they long to have their brains knock'd out.

Doctor Rat.Well, will you be so good, sir, as talk with dame Chat,And know what she intended, I ask no more but that.

Doctor Rat.Well, will you be so good, sir, as talk with dame Chat,

And know what she intended, I ask no more but that.

Baily.Let her be called, fellow, because of master doctor,I warrant in this case, she will be her own proctor:She will tell her own tale, in metre or in prose,And bid you seek your remedy, and so go wipe your nose.

Baily.Let her be called, fellow, because of master doctor,

I warrant in this case, she will be her own proctor:

She will tell her own tale, in metre or in prose,

And bid you seek your remedy, and so go wipe your nose.

THE FIFTH ACT.

THE SECOND SCENE.

M. Baily, Chat, D. Rat, Gammer, Hodge, Diccon.

Baily.Dame Chat, master doctor upon you here complaineth,That you and your maids should him much disorder,And taketh many an oath that no word be feigned,Laying to your charge, how you thought him to murder:And on his part again, that same man say'th furder,He never offended you in word nor intent;To hear you answer hereto, we have now for you sent.Chat.That I would have murdered him! fie on him, wretch!And evil mought he the for it, our Lord I beseech.I will swear on all the books that opens and shuts,He feigneth this tale out of his own guts.For this seven weeks with me, I am sure, he sat not down;[To D. Rat.]Nay, ye have other minions in the other end of the town,Where ye were liker to catch such a blowThan anywhere else, as far as I know.Baily.Belike then, master doctor, your[291]stripethere ye got not.Doctor Rat.Think you I am so mad, that where I was bet, I wot not?[292]Will ye believe this quean, before she hath tried it?It is not the first deed she hath done, and afterward denied it.Chat.What, man, will you say I broke your head?Doctor Rat.How canst thou prove the contrary?Chat.Nay, how provest thou that I did the deed.Doctor Rat.Too plainly, by St Mary.This proof, I trow, may serve, though I no word spoke.[Showing his broken head.Chat.Because thy head is broken, was it I that broke?I saw thee, Rat, I tell thee, not once within this fortnight.Doctor Rat.No, marry, thou sawest me not; for why thou hadst no light;But I felt thee for all the dark, beshrew thy smooth cheeks!And thou groped me, this will declare any day this six weeks.[Showing his head.Baily.Answer me to this, Master Rat, when caught you this harm of yours?Doctor Rat.A while ago, sir, God he knoweth; within less than these two hours.Baily.Dame Chat, was there none with you (confess, i' faith) about that season?What, woman, let it be what it will, 'tis neither felony nor treason.Chat.Yes, by my faith, Master Baily, there was a knave not far,Who caught one good filip on the brow with a door-bar.And well was he worthy, as it seemed to me:But what is that to this man, since this was not he?Baily.Who was it, then? let's hear.Doctor Rat.Alas, sir, ask you that?Is it not made plain enough by the own mouth of dame Chat?The time agreeth, my head is broken, her tongue cannot lie;Only upon a bare nay, she saith it was not I.Chat.No, marry, was it not indeed, ye shall hear by this one thing.This afternoon a friend of mine for good-will gave me warning.And bad me well look to my roost and all my capons' pens;For if I took not better heed, a knave would have my hens.Then I, to save my goods, took so much pains as him to watch;And as good fortune served me, it was my chance him for to catch.What strokes he bare away, or other what was his gains,I wot not, but I am sure he had something for his pains.Baily.Yet tell'st thou not who it was.Chat.Who it was? A false thief,That came like a false fox, my pullen[293]to kill and mischief.Baily.But knowest thou not his name?Chat.I know it, but what then?It was that crafty cullion[294]Hodge, my Gammer Gurton's man.Baily.Call me the knave hither, he shall sure kiss the stocks.I shall teach him a lesson for filching hens or cocks.Doctor Rat.I marvel, Master Baily, so bleared be your eyes!An egg is not so full of meat, as she is full of lies:When she hath played this prank, to excuse all this gear,She layeth the fault on such a one as I know was not there.Chat.Was he not there? look on his pate; that shall be his witness.Doctor Rat.I would my head were half so whole, I would seek no redress.Baily.God bless you, Gammer Gurton.Gammer.God 'eild[295]ye, master mine.Baily.Thou hast a knave within thy house, Hodge, a servant of thine.They tell me that busy knave is such a filching one,That hen, pig, goose, or capon, thy neighbour can have none.Gammer.By God, cham much a-meved to hear any such report:Hodge was not wont, ich trow, to have him in that sort.Chat.A thievisher knave is not on-live, more filching nor more false;Many a truer man than he has hanged up by the halse.[296]And thou his dame of all his theft thou art the sole receiver;For Hodge to catch, and thou to keep, I never new none better.Gammer.Sir reverence of your masterdom, and you were out a-door,Chould be so bold, for all her brags, to call her arrant whore.And ich knew Hodge as bad as t' ou, ich wish me endless sorrow,And chould not take the pains to hang him up before to-morrow.Chat.What have I stolen from thee or thine, thou ill-favor'd old trot?Gammer.A great deal more (by God's blest) than chever by thee got,That thou knowest well, I need not say it.Baily.Stop there, I say,And tell me here, I pray you, this matter by the way:How chance Hodge is not here? him would I fain have had.Gammer.Alas, sir, he'll be here anon; a' be handled too bad.Chat.Master Baily, sir, ye be not such a fool, well I know,But ye perceive by this lingering there is a pad in the straw.[Thinking that Hodge his head was broke, and that Gammer would not let him come before them.Gammer.Chill show you his face, ich warrant thee——lo, now where he is!Baily.Come on, fellow; it is told me thou art a shrew,[297]i-wis;Thy neighbour's hens thou takest, and plays the two-legged fox;Their chickens and their capons too, and now and then their cocks.Hodge.Ich defy them all that dare it say; cham as true as the best.Baily.Wert not thou take within this hour in dame Chat's hens'-nest?Hodge.Take there! no, master, chould not do't for a house full of gold.Chat.Thou, or the devil in thy coat; swear this I dare be bold.Doctor Rat.Swear me no swearing, quean; the devil he give thee sorrow:All is not worth a gnat, thou canst swear till to-morrow.Where is the harm he hath? show it, by God's bread,Ye beat him with a witness, but the stripes light on my head.Hodge.Beat me! Gog's blessed body, chould first, ich trow, have burst thee:Ich think, and chad my hands loose, callet, chould have crust[298]thee.Chat.Thou shitten knave, I trow, thou knowest the full weight of my fist.I am foully deceived, unless thy head and my door-bar kissed.Hodge.Hold thy chat, whore; thou criest so loud, can no man else be heard?Chat.Well, knave, and I had thee alone, I would surely rap thy costard.[299]Baily.Sir, answer me to this, Is thy head whole or broken?Chat.Yea, Master Baily, blest be every good token.Hodge.Is my head whole? ich warrant you, 'tis neither scurvy nor scald:What, you foul beast, does think 'tis either pild or bald?[300]Nay, ich thank God, chill not for all that thou may'st spend,That chad one scab on my narse as broad as thy finger's end.Baily.Come nearer here.Hodge.Yes, that ich dare.Baily.By our lady, here is no harm:Hodge's head is whole enough, for all dame Chat's charm.Chat.By Gog's blest,[301]however the thing he cloaks or smolders,I know the blows he bare away either with head or shoulders.Camest thou not, knave, within this hour, creeping into my pens,And there was caught within my house, groping among my hens?Hodge.A plague both on thy hens and thee! a cart, whore, a cart!Chould I were hanged as high as a tree, and ich were as false as thou art.Give my gammer again her washical[302]thou stole away in thy lap.Gammer.Yea, Master Baily, there is a thing you know not on, mayhap:This drab she keeps away my good (the devil he might her snare):Ich pray you, that ich might have a right action on her.Chat.Have I thy good, old filth, or any such old sow's?I am as true, I would thou knew, as [the] skin between thy brows.[303]Gammer.Many a truer hath been hanged, though you escape the danger.Chat.Thou shalt answer (by God's pity) for this thy foul slander.Baily.Why, what can you charge her withal? to say so ye do not well.Gammer.Marry, a vengeance to her heart, the whore has stol'n my nee'le.Chat.Thy needle, old witch! how so? it were alms thy soul to knock;So didst thou say the other day, that I had stol'n thy cock.And roasted him to my breakfast, which shall not be forgotten:The devil pull out thy lying tongue, and teeth that be so rotten.Gammer.Give me my nee'le; as for my cock, chould be very loth,That chould here tell he should hang on thy false faith and troth.Baily.Your talk is such, I can scarce learn who should be most in fault.Gammer.Yet shall ye find no other wight, save she, by bread and salt.Baily.Keep ye content a while, see that your tongues ye hold;Methinks you should remember, this is no place to scold.How knowest thou, Gammer Gurton, dame Chat thy needle had?Gammer.To name you, sir, the party, chould not be very glad.Baily.Yea, but we must needs hear it, and therefore say it boldly.Gammer.Such one as told the tale full soberly and coldly,Even he that looked on, will swear on a book,What time this drunken gossip my fair long nee'le up took:Diccon (Master) the bedlam, cham very sure ye know him.Baily.A false knave, by God's pity! ye were but a fool to trow him.I durst aventure well the price of my best cap,That when the end is known, all will turn to a jape.[304]Told he not you that besides she stole your cock that tide?Gammer.No, master, no indeed, for then he should have lied;My cock is, I thank Christ, safe and well a-fine.Chat.Yea, but that rugged colt, that whore, that Tib of thine,Said plainly thy cock was stol'n, and in my house was eaten;That lying cut is lost, that she is not swinged and beaten.And yet for all my good name it were a small amends;I pick not this gear (hear'st thou) out of my fingers' ends.But he that heard it told me, who thou of late didst name:Diccon, whom all men knows, it was the very same.Baily.This is the case; you lost your nee'le about the doors;And she answers again, she hase no cock of yours;Thus in your talk and action, from that you do intend,She is whole five mile wide from that she doth defend.Will you say she hath your cock?Gammer.No, marry, sir, that chill not.Baily.Will you confess her nee'le?Chat.Will I? no, sir, will I not.Baily.Then there lieth all the matter.Gammer.Soft, master, by the way,Ye know she could do little, and she could not say nay.Baily.Yea, but he that made one lie about your cock-stealing,Will not stick to make another, what time lies be in dealing.I ween the end will prove this brawl did first ariseUpon no other ground but only Diccon's lies.Chat.Though some be lies, as you belike have espied them:Yet other some be true, by proof I have well tried them.Baily.What other thing beside this, dame Chat?Chat.Marry, sir, even this,The tale I told before, the self-same tale it was his;He gave me, like a friend, warning against my loss,Else had my hens be stol'n each one, by God's cross.He told me Hodge would come, and in he came indeed;But as the matter chanced, with greater haste than speed.This truth was said, and true was found, as truly I report.Baily.If Doctor Rat be not deceived, it was of another sort.Doctor Rat.By God's mother, thou and he be a couple of subtle foxes;Between you and Hodge I bear away the boxes.Did not Diccon appoint the place, where thou should'st stand to meet him?Chat.Yes, by the mass; and, if he came, bad me not stick to spite him.Doctor Rat.God's sacrament! the villain knave hath dress'd us round about;He is the cause of all this brawl, that dirty shitten lout,When Gammer Gurton here complained, and made a rueful moan,I heard him swear that you had gotten her needle that was gone.And this to try, he further said, he was full loth: howbeitHe was content with small ado to bring me where to see it.And where he sat, he said, full certain, if I would follow his reed,Into your house a privy way he would me guide and lead,And where ye had it in your hands, sewing about a clout,And set me in the back-hole, thereby to find you out:And whiles I sought a quietness, creeping upon my knees,I found the weight of your door-bar for my reward and fees.Such is the luck that some men gets, while they begin to mell,[305]In setting at one such as were out, minding to make all well.Hodge.Was not well blest, gammer, to 'scape that scour? And chad been there,Then chad been dress'd, belike, as ill (by the mass) as Gaffer Vicar.Baily.Marry, sir, here is a sport alone; I looked for such an end;If Diccon had not play'd the knave, this had been soon amend.My gammer here he made a fool, and dress'd her as she was;And goodwife Chat he set to scold,[306]till both parts[307]cried, alas!And Doctor Rat was not behind, whiles Chat his crown did pare;I would the knave had been stark blind, if Hodge had not his share.Hodge.Cham meetly well-sped already among's, cham dress'd like a colt;Hodge.Cham meetly well-sped already among's, cham dress'd like a colt;And chad not had the better wit, chad been made a dolt.Baily.Sir knave, make haste Diccon were here; fetch him, wherever he be.Chat.Fie on the villain, fie, fie, that makes us thus agree!Gammer.Fie on him, knave, with all my heart, now fie, and fie again!Doctor Rat.Now fie on him, may I best say, whom he hath almost slain.Baily.Lo, where he cometh at hand, belike he was not far.Diccon, here be two or three thy company cannot spare.Diccon.God bless you, and you may be bless'd, so many all at once!Chat.Come, knave, it were a good deed to geld thee, by Cock's bones.Seest not thy handiwork? sir Rat, can ye forbear him?Diccon.A vengeance on those hands light, for my hands came not near him.The whoreson priest hath lift the pot in some of these alewives' chairs,That his head would not serve him, belike, to come down the stairs.Baily.Nay, soft, thou may'st not play the knave, and have this language too;If thou thy tongue bridle a while, the better may'st thou do.Confess the truth as I shall ask, and cease a while to fable,And for thy fault, I promise thee, thy handling shall be reasonable.Hast thou not made a lie or two, to set these two by the ears?Diccon.What, if I have? five hundred such have I seen within these seven years:I am sorry for nothing else, but that I see not the sport,Which was between them when they met, as they themselves report.Baily.The greatest thing, Master Rat, ye see how he is dress'd.Diccon.What devil, need he be groping so deep in goodwife Chat's hens' nest?Baily.Yea, but it was thy drift to bring him into the briars.Diccon.God's bread! hath not such an old fool wit to save his ears?He showeth himself herein, ye see, so very a cox,[308]The cat was not so madly allured by the fox,[309]To run in the snares was set for him doubtless;For he leapt in for mice, and this sir John for madness.Doctor Rat.Well, and ye shift no better, ye losel lither[310]and lazy,I will go near for this to make ye leap at a daisy.[311]In the king's name, Master Baily, I charge you set him fast.Diccon.What! fast at cards or fast on sleep? it is the thing I did last.Doctor Rat.Nay, fast in fetters, false varlet, according to thy deeds.Baily.Master Doctor, there is no remedy, I must entreat you needsSome other kind of punishment.Doctor Rat.Nay, by All-Hallows,His punishment, if I may judge, shall be nought else but the gallows.Baily.That were too sore; a spiritual man to be so extreme!Doctor Rat.Is he worthy any better, sir? how do you judge and deem?Baily.I grant him worthy punishment, but in no wise so great.Gammer.It is a shame, ich tell you plain, for such false knaves entreat.He has almost undone us all, that is as true as steel.And yet for all this great ado, cham never the near my nee'le.Baily.Can'st thou not say anything to that, Diccon, with least or most?Diccon.Yea, marry, sir, thus much I can say well, the nee'le is lost.Baily.Nay, canst not thou tell which way that needle may be found?Diccon.No, by my fay, sir, though I might have an hundred pound.Hodge.Thou liar lickdish, didst not say the nee'le would be gotten?Diccon.No, Hodge; by the same token you were that time beshitten,For fear of hobgoblin—you wot well what I mean,As long as it is since, I fear me yet ye be scarce clean.Baily.Well, Master Rat, you must both learn and teach us to forgive,Since Diccon hath confession made, and is so clean shreve:If ye to me consent to amend this heavy chance,I will enjoin him here some open kind of penance:Of this condition—where ye know my fee is twenty penceFor the bloodshed, I am agreed with you here to dispense;Ye shall go quit, so that ye grant the matter now to run,To end with mirth among us all, even as it was begun.Chat.Say yea, Master Vicar, and he shall sure confess to be your debtor,And all we that be here present will love you much the better.Doctor Rat.My part is the worst; but since you all hereon agree,Go even to, Master Baily, let it be so for me.Baily.How say'st thou, Diccon, art content this shall on me depend?Diccon.Go to, Master Baily, say on your mind, I know ye are my friend.Baily.Then mark ye well; to recompense this thy former action,Because thou hast offended all, to make them satisfaction,Before their faces here kneel down, and as I shall thee teach,For thou shalt take an oath of Hodge's leather breech;First for Master Doctor, upon pain of his curse,Where he will pay for all, thou never draw thy purse:And when ye meet at one pot, he shall have the first pull;And thou shalt never offer him the cup, but it be full.To goodwife Chat thou shalt be sworn, even on the same wise,If she refuse thy money once, never to offer it twice.Thou shalt be bound by the same here, as thou dost take it:When thou may'st drink of free cost, thou never forsake it.For Gammer Gurton's sake, again sworn shalt thou be,To help her to her needle again, if it do lie in thee;And likewise be bound, by the virtue of that,To be of good a-bearing to Gib her great cat.Last of all for Hodge, the oath to scan,Thou shalt never take him for fine gentleman.Hodge.Come on, fellow Diccon, chall be even with thee now.Baily.Thou wilt not stick to do this, Diccon, I trow?Diccon.No, by my father's skin, my hand down I lay it;Look, as I have promised, I will not denay it;But, Hodge, take good heed now, thou do not beshit me.[And give him a good blow on the buttock.Hodge.Gog's heart, thou false villain, dost thou bite me?Baily.What, Hodge, doth he hurt thee, ere ever he be begin?Hodge.He thrust me into the buttock with a bodkin or a pin,[He discovers the needle.I say, gammer, gammer!Gammer.How now, Hodge, how now!Hodge.God's malt, gammer Gurton——Gammer.Thou art mad, ich trow.Hodge.Will you see the devil, gammer?Gammer.The devil, son! God bless us.Hodge.Chould, [if] ich were hanged, gammer.Gammer.Marry, see, ye might dress us.Hodge.Chave it, by the mass, gammer.Gammer.What, not my nee'le, Hodge?Hodge.Your nee'le, gammer, your nee'le.Gammer.No, fie, dost but dodge.Hodge.Ch' a found your nee'le, gammer, here in my hand be it.Gammer.For all the loves on earth,[312]Hodge, let me see it.Hodge.Soft, gammer.Gammer.Good Hodge.Hodge.Soft, ich say, tarry a while.Gammer.Nay, sweet Hodge, say truth, and not me beguile.Hodge.Cham sure on it; ich warrant you, it goes no more astray.Gammer.Hodge, when I speak so fair, wilt still say me nay?Hodge.Go near the light, gammer, 'tis well in faith, good luck:Ch' was almost undone, 'twas so far in my buttock.Gammer.'Tis mine own dear nee'le, Hodge, sikerly[313]I wot.Hodge.Cham I not a good son, gammer, cham I not?Gammer.Christ's blessing light on thee, hast made me for ever.Hodge.Ich knew that ich must find it, else chould a' had it never.Chat.By my troth, gossip Gurton, I am even as glad,As though I mine own self as good a turn had.Baily.And I by my conscience, to see it so come forth,Rejoice so much at it, as three needles be worth.Doctor Rat.I am no whit sorry to see you so rejoice.Diccon. Nor I much the gladder for all this noise.Yet say, gramercy, Diccon, for springing of the game.Gammer.Gramercy, Diccon, twenty times! O, how glad cham!If that chould do so much, your masterdom to come hither,Master Rat, goodwife Chat, and Diccon together;Cha but one halfpenny, as far as ich know it,And chill not rest this night, till ich bestow it.If ever ye love me, let us go in and drink.Baily.I am content, if the rest think as I think.Master Rat, it shall be best for you if we so do,Then shall you warm you and dress yourself too.Diccon.Soft, sirs, take us with you, the company shall be the more;As proud comes behind, they say, as any goes before.But now, my good masters, since we must be gone,And leave you behind us here all alone:Since at our last ending thus merry we be,For Gammer Gurton's needle sake, let us have a plaudite.

Baily.Dame Chat, master doctor upon you here complaineth,

That you and your maids should him much disorder,

And taketh many an oath that no word be feigned,

Laying to your charge, how you thought him to murder:

And on his part again, that same man say'th furder,

He never offended you in word nor intent;

To hear you answer hereto, we have now for you sent.

Chat.That I would have murdered him! fie on him, wretch!

And evil mought he the for it, our Lord I beseech.I will swear on all the books that opens and shuts,He feigneth this tale out of his own guts.For this seven weeks with me, I am sure, he sat not down;[To D. Rat.]Nay, ye have other minions in the other end of the town,Where ye were liker to catch such a blowThan anywhere else, as far as I know.

And evil mought he the for it, our Lord I beseech.

I will swear on all the books that opens and shuts,

He feigneth this tale out of his own guts.

For this seven weeks with me, I am sure, he sat not down;

[To D. Rat.]Nay, ye have other minions in the other end of the town,

Where ye were liker to catch such a blow

Than anywhere else, as far as I know.

Baily.Belike then, master doctor, your[291]stripethere ye got not.

Baily.Belike then, master doctor, your[291]stripe

there ye got not.

Doctor Rat.Think you I am so mad, that where I was bet, I wot not?[292]Will ye believe this quean, before she hath tried it?It is not the first deed she hath done, and afterward denied it.

Doctor Rat.Think you I am so mad, that where I was bet, I wot not?[292]

Will ye believe this quean, before she hath tried it?

It is not the first deed she hath done, and afterward denied it.

Chat.What, man, will you say I broke your head?

Doctor Rat.How canst thou prove the contrary?

Chat.Nay, how provest thou that I did the deed.

Doctor Rat.Too plainly, by St Mary.This proof, I trow, may serve, though I no word spoke.[Showing his broken head.

Doctor Rat.Too plainly, by St Mary.

This proof, I trow, may serve, though I no word spoke.[Showing his broken head.

Chat.Because thy head is broken, was it I that broke?I saw thee, Rat, I tell thee, not once within this fortnight.

Chat.Because thy head is broken, was it I that broke?

I saw thee, Rat, I tell thee, not once within this fortnight.

Doctor Rat.No, marry, thou sawest me not; for why thou hadst no light;

But I felt thee for all the dark, beshrew thy smooth cheeks!And thou groped me, this will declare any day this six weeks.[Showing his head.

But I felt thee for all the dark, beshrew thy smooth cheeks!

And thou groped me, this will declare any day this six weeks.[Showing his head.

Baily.Answer me to this, Master Rat, when caught you this harm of yours?

Doctor Rat.A while ago, sir, God he knoweth; within less than these two hours.

Baily.Dame Chat, was there none with you (confess, i' faith) about that season?What, woman, let it be what it will, 'tis neither felony nor treason.

Baily.Dame Chat, was there none with you (confess, i' faith) about that season?

What, woman, let it be what it will, 'tis neither felony nor treason.

Chat.Yes, by my faith, Master Baily, there was a knave not far,Who caught one good filip on the brow with a door-bar.And well was he worthy, as it seemed to me:But what is that to this man, since this was not he?

Chat.Yes, by my faith, Master Baily, there was a knave not far,

Who caught one good filip on the brow with a door-bar.

And well was he worthy, as it seemed to me:

But what is that to this man, since this was not he?

Baily.Who was it, then? let's hear.

Doctor Rat.Alas, sir, ask you that?Is it not made plain enough by the own mouth of dame Chat?The time agreeth, my head is broken, her tongue cannot lie;Only upon a bare nay, she saith it was not I.

Doctor Rat.Alas, sir, ask you that?

Is it not made plain enough by the own mouth of dame Chat?

The time agreeth, my head is broken, her tongue cannot lie;

Only upon a bare nay, she saith it was not I.

Chat.No, marry, was it not indeed, ye shall hear by this one thing.This afternoon a friend of mine for good-will gave me warning.And bad me well look to my roost and all my capons' pens;For if I took not better heed, a knave would have my hens.Then I, to save my goods, took so much pains as him to watch;And as good fortune served me, it was my chance him for to catch.What strokes he bare away, or other what was his gains,I wot not, but I am sure he had something for his pains.

Chat.No, marry, was it not indeed, ye shall hear by this one thing.

This afternoon a friend of mine for good-will gave me warning.

And bad me well look to my roost and all my capons' pens;

For if I took not better heed, a knave would have my hens.

Then I, to save my goods, took so much pains as him to watch;

And as good fortune served me, it was my chance him for to catch.

What strokes he bare away, or other what was his gains,

I wot not, but I am sure he had something for his pains.

Baily.Yet tell'st thou not who it was.

Chat.Who it was? A false thief,That came like a false fox, my pullen[293]to kill and mischief.

Chat.Who it was? A false thief,

That came like a false fox, my pullen[293]to kill and mischief.

Baily.But knowest thou not his name?

Chat.I know it, but what then?It was that crafty cullion[294]Hodge, my Gammer Gurton's man.

Chat.I know it, but what then?

It was that crafty cullion[294]Hodge, my Gammer Gurton's man.

Baily.Call me the knave hither, he shall sure kiss the stocks.I shall teach him a lesson for filching hens or cocks.

Baily.Call me the knave hither, he shall sure kiss the stocks.

I shall teach him a lesson for filching hens or cocks.

Doctor Rat.I marvel, Master Baily, so bleared be your eyes!An egg is not so full of meat, as she is full of lies:When she hath played this prank, to excuse all this gear,She layeth the fault on such a one as I know was not there.

Doctor Rat.I marvel, Master Baily, so bleared be your eyes!

An egg is not so full of meat, as she is full of lies:

When she hath played this prank, to excuse all this gear,

She layeth the fault on such a one as I know was not there.

Chat.Was he not there? look on his pate; that shall be his witness.

Doctor Rat.I would my head were half so whole, I would seek no redress.

Baily.God bless you, Gammer Gurton.

Gammer.God 'eild[295]ye, master mine.

Baily.Thou hast a knave within thy house, Hodge, a servant of thine.They tell me that busy knave is such a filching one,That hen, pig, goose, or capon, thy neighbour can have none.

Baily.Thou hast a knave within thy house, Hodge, a servant of thine.

They tell me that busy knave is such a filching one,

That hen, pig, goose, or capon, thy neighbour can have none.

Gammer.By God, cham much a-meved to hear any such report:Hodge was not wont, ich trow, to have him in that sort.

Gammer.By God, cham much a-meved to hear any such report:

Hodge was not wont, ich trow, to have him in that sort.

Chat.A thievisher knave is not on-live, more filching nor more false;Many a truer man than he has hanged up by the halse.[296]And thou his dame of all his theft thou art the sole receiver;For Hodge to catch, and thou to keep, I never new none better.

Chat.A thievisher knave is not on-live, more filching nor more false;

Many a truer man than he has hanged up by the halse.[296]

And thou his dame of all his theft thou art the sole receiver;

For Hodge to catch, and thou to keep, I never new none better.

Gammer.Sir reverence of your masterdom, and you were out a-door,Chould be so bold, for all her brags, to call her arrant whore.And ich knew Hodge as bad as t' ou, ich wish me endless sorrow,And chould not take the pains to hang him up before to-morrow.

Gammer.Sir reverence of your masterdom, and you were out a-door,

Chould be so bold, for all her brags, to call her arrant whore.

And ich knew Hodge as bad as t' ou, ich wish me endless sorrow,

And chould not take the pains to hang him up before to-morrow.

Chat.What have I stolen from thee or thine, thou ill-favor'd old trot?

Gammer.A great deal more (by God's blest) than chever by thee got,That thou knowest well, I need not say it.

Gammer.A great deal more (by God's blest) than chever by thee got,

That thou knowest well, I need not say it.

Baily.Stop there, I say,And tell me here, I pray you, this matter by the way:How chance Hodge is not here? him would I fain have had.

Baily.Stop there, I say,

And tell me here, I pray you, this matter by the way:

How chance Hodge is not here? him would I fain have had.

Gammer.Alas, sir, he'll be here anon; a' be handled too bad.

Chat.Master Baily, sir, ye be not such a fool, well I know,But ye perceive by this lingering there is a pad in the straw.[Thinking that Hodge his head was broke, and that Gammer would not let him come before them.

Chat.Master Baily, sir, ye be not such a fool, well I know,

But ye perceive by this lingering there is a pad in the straw.

[Thinking that Hodge his head was broke, and that Gammer would not let him come before them.

Gammer.Chill show you his face, ich warrant thee——lo, now where he is!

Baily.Come on, fellow; it is told me thou art a shrew,[297]i-wis;Thy neighbour's hens thou takest, and plays the two-legged fox;Their chickens and their capons too, and now and then their cocks.

Baily.Come on, fellow; it is told me thou art a shrew,[297]i-wis;

Thy neighbour's hens thou takest, and plays the two-legged fox;

Their chickens and their capons too, and now and then their cocks.

Hodge.Ich defy them all that dare it say; cham as true as the best.

Baily.Wert not thou take within this hour in dame Chat's hens'-nest?

Hodge.Take there! no, master, chould not do't for a house full of gold.

Chat.Thou, or the devil in thy coat; swear this I dare be bold.

Doctor Rat.Swear me no swearing, quean; the devil he give thee sorrow:All is not worth a gnat, thou canst swear till to-morrow.Where is the harm he hath? show it, by God's bread,Ye beat him with a witness, but the stripes light on my head.

Doctor Rat.Swear me no swearing, quean; the devil he give thee sorrow:

All is not worth a gnat, thou canst swear till to-morrow.

Where is the harm he hath? show it, by God's bread,

Ye beat him with a witness, but the stripes light on my head.

Hodge.Beat me! Gog's blessed body, chould first, ich trow, have burst thee:Ich think, and chad my hands loose, callet, chould have crust[298]thee.

Hodge.Beat me! Gog's blessed body, chould first, ich trow, have burst thee:

Ich think, and chad my hands loose, callet, chould have crust[298]thee.

Chat.Thou shitten knave, I trow, thou knowest the full weight of my fist.I am foully deceived, unless thy head and my door-bar kissed.

Chat.Thou shitten knave, I trow, thou knowest the full weight of my fist.

I am foully deceived, unless thy head and my door-bar kissed.

Hodge.Hold thy chat, whore; thou criest so loud, can no man else be heard?

Chat.Well, knave, and I had thee alone, I would surely rap thy costard.[299]

Baily.Sir, answer me to this, Is thy head whole or broken?

Chat.Yea, Master Baily, blest be every good token.

Hodge.Is my head whole? ich warrant you, 'tis neither scurvy nor scald:What, you foul beast, does think 'tis either pild or bald?[300]Nay, ich thank God, chill not for all that thou may'st spend,That chad one scab on my narse as broad as thy finger's end.

Hodge.Is my head whole? ich warrant you, 'tis neither scurvy nor scald:

What, you foul beast, does think 'tis either pild or bald?[300]

Nay, ich thank God, chill not for all that thou may'st spend,

That chad one scab on my narse as broad as thy finger's end.

Baily.Come nearer here.

Hodge.Yes, that ich dare.

Baily.By our lady, here is no harm:Hodge's head is whole enough, for all dame Chat's charm.

Baily.By our lady, here is no harm:

Hodge's head is whole enough, for all dame Chat's charm.

Chat.By Gog's blest,[301]however the thing he cloaks or smolders,I know the blows he bare away either with head or shoulders.Camest thou not, knave, within this hour, creeping into my pens,And there was caught within my house, groping among my hens?

Chat.By Gog's blest,[301]however the thing he cloaks or smolders,

I know the blows he bare away either with head or shoulders.

Camest thou not, knave, within this hour, creeping into my pens,

And there was caught within my house, groping among my hens?

Hodge.A plague both on thy hens and thee! a cart, whore, a cart!Chould I were hanged as high as a tree, and ich were as false as thou art.Give my gammer again her washical[302]thou stole away in thy lap.

Hodge.A plague both on thy hens and thee! a cart, whore, a cart!

Chould I were hanged as high as a tree, and ich were as false as thou art.

Give my gammer again her washical[302]thou stole away in thy lap.

Gammer.Yea, Master Baily, there is a thing you know not on, mayhap:This drab she keeps away my good (the devil he might her snare):Ich pray you, that ich might have a right action on her.

Gammer.Yea, Master Baily, there is a thing you know not on, mayhap:

This drab she keeps away my good (the devil he might her snare):

Ich pray you, that ich might have a right action on her.

Chat.Have I thy good, old filth, or any such old sow's?I am as true, I would thou knew, as [the] skin between thy brows.[303]

Chat.Have I thy good, old filth, or any such old sow's?

I am as true, I would thou knew, as [the] skin between thy brows.[303]

Gammer.Many a truer hath been hanged, though you escape the danger.

Chat.Thou shalt answer (by God's pity) for this thy foul slander.

Baily.Why, what can you charge her withal? to say so ye do not well.

Gammer.Marry, a vengeance to her heart, the whore has stol'n my nee'le.

Chat.Thy needle, old witch! how so? it were alms thy soul to knock;So didst thou say the other day, that I had stol'n thy cock.And roasted him to my breakfast, which shall not be forgotten:The devil pull out thy lying tongue, and teeth that be so rotten.

Chat.Thy needle, old witch! how so? it were alms thy soul to knock;

So didst thou say the other day, that I had stol'n thy cock.

And roasted him to my breakfast, which shall not be forgotten:

The devil pull out thy lying tongue, and teeth that be so rotten.

Gammer.Give me my nee'le; as for my cock, chould be very loth,That chould here tell he should hang on thy false faith and troth.

Gammer.Give me my nee'le; as for my cock, chould be very loth,

That chould here tell he should hang on thy false faith and troth.

Baily.Your talk is such, I can scarce learn who should be most in fault.

Gammer.Yet shall ye find no other wight, save she, by bread and salt.

Baily.Keep ye content a while, see that your tongues ye hold;Methinks you should remember, this is no place to scold.How knowest thou, Gammer Gurton, dame Chat thy needle had?

Baily.Keep ye content a while, see that your tongues ye hold;

Methinks you should remember, this is no place to scold.

How knowest thou, Gammer Gurton, dame Chat thy needle had?

Gammer.To name you, sir, the party, chould not be very glad.

Baily.Yea, but we must needs hear it, and therefore say it boldly.

Gammer.Such one as told the tale full soberly and coldly,Even he that looked on, will swear on a book,What time this drunken gossip my fair long nee'le up took:Diccon (Master) the bedlam, cham very sure ye know him.

Gammer.Such one as told the tale full soberly and coldly,

Even he that looked on, will swear on a book,

What time this drunken gossip my fair long nee'le up took:

Diccon (Master) the bedlam, cham very sure ye know him.

Baily.A false knave, by God's pity! ye were but a fool to trow him.I durst aventure well the price of my best cap,That when the end is known, all will turn to a jape.[304]Told he not you that besides she stole your cock that tide?

Baily.A false knave, by God's pity! ye were but a fool to trow him.

I durst aventure well the price of my best cap,

That when the end is known, all will turn to a jape.[304]

Told he not you that besides she stole your cock that tide?

Gammer.No, master, no indeed, for then he should have lied;My cock is, I thank Christ, safe and well a-fine.

Gammer.No, master, no indeed, for then he should have lied;

My cock is, I thank Christ, safe and well a-fine.

Chat.Yea, but that rugged colt, that whore, that Tib of thine,Said plainly thy cock was stol'n, and in my house was eaten;That lying cut is lost, that she is not swinged and beaten.And yet for all my good name it were a small amends;I pick not this gear (hear'st thou) out of my fingers' ends.But he that heard it told me, who thou of late didst name:Diccon, whom all men knows, it was the very same.

Chat.Yea, but that rugged colt, that whore, that Tib of thine,

Said plainly thy cock was stol'n, and in my house was eaten;

That lying cut is lost, that she is not swinged and beaten.

And yet for all my good name it were a small amends;

I pick not this gear (hear'st thou) out of my fingers' ends.

But he that heard it told me, who thou of late didst name:

Diccon, whom all men knows, it was the very same.

Baily.This is the case; you lost your nee'le about the doors;And she answers again, she hase no cock of yours;Thus in your talk and action, from that you do intend,She is whole five mile wide from that she doth defend.Will you say she hath your cock?

Baily.This is the case; you lost your nee'le about the doors;

And she answers again, she hase no cock of yours;

Thus in your talk and action, from that you do intend,

She is whole five mile wide from that she doth defend.

Will you say she hath your cock?

Gammer.No, marry, sir, that chill not.

Baily.Will you confess her nee'le?

Chat.Will I? no, sir, will I not.

Baily.Then there lieth all the matter.

Gammer.Soft, master, by the way,Ye know she could do little, and she could not say nay.

Gammer.Soft, master, by the way,

Ye know she could do little, and she could not say nay.

Baily.Yea, but he that made one lie about your cock-stealing,Will not stick to make another, what time lies be in dealing.I ween the end will prove this brawl did first ariseUpon no other ground but only Diccon's lies.

Baily.Yea, but he that made one lie about your cock-stealing,

Will not stick to make another, what time lies be in dealing.

I ween the end will prove this brawl did first arise

Upon no other ground but only Diccon's lies.

Chat.Though some be lies, as you belike have espied them:Yet other some be true, by proof I have well tried them.

Chat.Though some be lies, as you belike have espied them:

Yet other some be true, by proof I have well tried them.

Baily.What other thing beside this, dame Chat?

Chat.Marry, sir, even this,The tale I told before, the self-same tale it was his;He gave me, like a friend, warning against my loss,Else had my hens be stol'n each one, by God's cross.He told me Hodge would come, and in he came indeed;But as the matter chanced, with greater haste than speed.This truth was said, and true was found, as truly I report.

Chat.Marry, sir, even this,

The tale I told before, the self-same tale it was his;

He gave me, like a friend, warning against my loss,

Else had my hens be stol'n each one, by God's cross.

He told me Hodge would come, and in he came indeed;

But as the matter chanced, with greater haste than speed.

This truth was said, and true was found, as truly I report.

Baily.If Doctor Rat be not deceived, it was of another sort.

Doctor Rat.By God's mother, thou and he be a couple of subtle foxes;Between you and Hodge I bear away the boxes.Did not Diccon appoint the place, where thou should'st stand to meet him?

Doctor Rat.By God's mother, thou and he be a couple of subtle foxes;

Between you and Hodge I bear away the boxes.

Did not Diccon appoint the place, where thou should'st stand to meet him?

Chat.Yes, by the mass; and, if he came, bad me not stick to spite him.

Doctor Rat.God's sacrament! the villain knave hath dress'd us round about;He is the cause of all this brawl, that dirty shitten lout,When Gammer Gurton here complained, and made a rueful moan,I heard him swear that you had gotten her needle that was gone.And this to try, he further said, he was full loth: howbeitHe was content with small ado to bring me where to see it.And where he sat, he said, full certain, if I would follow his reed,Into your house a privy way he would me guide and lead,And where ye had it in your hands, sewing about a clout,And set me in the back-hole, thereby to find you out:And whiles I sought a quietness, creeping upon my knees,I found the weight of your door-bar for my reward and fees.Such is the luck that some men gets, while they begin to mell,[305]In setting at one such as were out, minding to make all well.

Doctor Rat.God's sacrament! the villain knave hath dress'd us round about;

He is the cause of all this brawl, that dirty shitten lout,

When Gammer Gurton here complained, and made a rueful moan,

I heard him swear that you had gotten her needle that was gone.

And this to try, he further said, he was full loth: howbeit

He was content with small ado to bring me where to see it.

And where he sat, he said, full certain, if I would follow his reed,

Into your house a privy way he would me guide and lead,

And where ye had it in your hands, sewing about a clout,

And set me in the back-hole, thereby to find you out:

And whiles I sought a quietness, creeping upon my knees,

I found the weight of your door-bar for my reward and fees.

Such is the luck that some men gets, while they begin to mell,[305]

In setting at one such as were out, minding to make all well.

Hodge.Was not well blest, gammer, to 'scape that scour? And chad been there,Then chad been dress'd, belike, as ill (by the mass) as Gaffer Vicar.

Hodge.Was not well blest, gammer, to 'scape that scour? And chad been there,

Then chad been dress'd, belike, as ill (by the mass) as Gaffer Vicar.

Baily.Marry, sir, here is a sport alone; I looked for such an end;If Diccon had not play'd the knave, this had been soon amend.My gammer here he made a fool, and dress'd her as she was;And goodwife Chat he set to scold,[306]till both parts[307]cried, alas!And Doctor Rat was not behind, whiles Chat his crown did pare;I would the knave had been stark blind, if Hodge had not his share.

Baily.Marry, sir, here is a sport alone; I looked for such an end;

If Diccon had not play'd the knave, this had been soon amend.

My gammer here he made a fool, and dress'd her as she was;

And goodwife Chat he set to scold,[306]till both parts[307]cried, alas!

And Doctor Rat was not behind, whiles Chat his crown did pare;

I would the knave had been stark blind, if Hodge had not his share.

Hodge.Cham meetly well-sped already among's, cham dress'd like a colt;

Hodge.Cham meetly well-sped already among's, cham dress'd like a colt;And chad not had the better wit, chad been made a dolt.

Hodge.Cham meetly well-sped already among's, cham dress'd like a colt;

And chad not had the better wit, chad been made a dolt.

Baily.Sir knave, make haste Diccon were here; fetch him, wherever he be.

Chat.Fie on the villain, fie, fie, that makes us thus agree!

Gammer.Fie on him, knave, with all my heart, now fie, and fie again!

Doctor Rat.Now fie on him, may I best say, whom he hath almost slain.

Baily.Lo, where he cometh at hand, belike he was not far.Diccon, here be two or three thy company cannot spare.

Baily.Lo, where he cometh at hand, belike he was not far.

Diccon, here be two or three thy company cannot spare.

Diccon.God bless you, and you may be bless'd, so many all at once!

Chat.Come, knave, it were a good deed to geld thee, by Cock's bones.Seest not thy handiwork? sir Rat, can ye forbear him?

Chat.Come, knave, it were a good deed to geld thee, by Cock's bones.

Seest not thy handiwork? sir Rat, can ye forbear him?

Diccon.A vengeance on those hands light, for my hands came not near him.The whoreson priest hath lift the pot in some of these alewives' chairs,That his head would not serve him, belike, to come down the stairs.

Diccon.A vengeance on those hands light, for my hands came not near him.

The whoreson priest hath lift the pot in some of these alewives' chairs,

That his head would not serve him, belike, to come down the stairs.

Baily.Nay, soft, thou may'st not play the knave, and have this language too;If thou thy tongue bridle a while, the better may'st thou do.Confess the truth as I shall ask, and cease a while to fable,And for thy fault, I promise thee, thy handling shall be reasonable.Hast thou not made a lie or two, to set these two by the ears?

Baily.Nay, soft, thou may'st not play the knave, and have this language too;

If thou thy tongue bridle a while, the better may'st thou do.

Confess the truth as I shall ask, and cease a while to fable,

And for thy fault, I promise thee, thy handling shall be reasonable.

Hast thou not made a lie or two, to set these two by the ears?

Diccon.What, if I have? five hundred such have I seen within these seven years:I am sorry for nothing else, but that I see not the sport,Which was between them when they met, as they themselves report.

Diccon.What, if I have? five hundred such have I seen within these seven years:

I am sorry for nothing else, but that I see not the sport,

Which was between them when they met, as they themselves report.

Baily.The greatest thing, Master Rat, ye see how he is dress'd.

Diccon.What devil, need he be groping so deep in goodwife Chat's hens' nest?

Baily.Yea, but it was thy drift to bring him into the briars.

Diccon.God's bread! hath not such an old fool wit to save his ears?He showeth himself herein, ye see, so very a cox,[308]The cat was not so madly allured by the fox,[309]To run in the snares was set for him doubtless;For he leapt in for mice, and this sir John for madness.

Diccon.God's bread! hath not such an old fool wit to save his ears?

He showeth himself herein, ye see, so very a cox,[308]

The cat was not so madly allured by the fox,[309]

To run in the snares was set for him doubtless;

For he leapt in for mice, and this sir John for madness.

Doctor Rat.Well, and ye shift no better, ye losel lither[310]and lazy,I will go near for this to make ye leap at a daisy.[311]In the king's name, Master Baily, I charge you set him fast.

Doctor Rat.Well, and ye shift no better, ye losel lither[310]and lazy,

I will go near for this to make ye leap at a daisy.[311]

In the king's name, Master Baily, I charge you set him fast.

Diccon.What! fast at cards or fast on sleep? it is the thing I did last.

Doctor Rat.Nay, fast in fetters, false varlet, according to thy deeds.

Baily.Master Doctor, there is no remedy, I must entreat you needsSome other kind of punishment.

Baily.Master Doctor, there is no remedy, I must entreat you needs

Some other kind of punishment.

Doctor Rat.Nay, by All-Hallows,His punishment, if I may judge, shall be nought else but the gallows.

Doctor Rat.Nay, by All-Hallows,

His punishment, if I may judge, shall be nought else but the gallows.

Baily.That were too sore; a spiritual man to be so extreme!

Doctor Rat.Is he worthy any better, sir? how do you judge and deem?

Baily.I grant him worthy punishment, but in no wise so great.

Gammer.It is a shame, ich tell you plain, for such false knaves entreat.He has almost undone us all, that is as true as steel.And yet for all this great ado, cham never the near my nee'le.

Gammer.It is a shame, ich tell you plain, for such false knaves entreat.

He has almost undone us all, that is as true as steel.

And yet for all this great ado, cham never the near my nee'le.

Baily.Can'st thou not say anything to that, Diccon, with least or most?

Diccon.Yea, marry, sir, thus much I can say well, the nee'le is lost.

Baily.Nay, canst not thou tell which way that needle may be found?

Diccon.No, by my fay, sir, though I might have an hundred pound.

Hodge.Thou liar lickdish, didst not say the nee'le would be gotten?

Diccon.No, Hodge; by the same token you were that time beshitten,For fear of hobgoblin—you wot well what I mean,As long as it is since, I fear me yet ye be scarce clean.

Diccon.No, Hodge; by the same token you were that time beshitten,

For fear of hobgoblin—you wot well what I mean,

As long as it is since, I fear me yet ye be scarce clean.

Baily.Well, Master Rat, you must both learn and teach us to forgive,Since Diccon hath confession made, and is so clean shreve:If ye to me consent to amend this heavy chance,I will enjoin him here some open kind of penance:Of this condition—where ye know my fee is twenty penceFor the bloodshed, I am agreed with you here to dispense;Ye shall go quit, so that ye grant the matter now to run,To end with mirth among us all, even as it was begun.

Baily.Well, Master Rat, you must both learn and teach us to forgive,

Since Diccon hath confession made, and is so clean shreve:

If ye to me consent to amend this heavy chance,

I will enjoin him here some open kind of penance:

Of this condition—where ye know my fee is twenty pence

For the bloodshed, I am agreed with you here to dispense;

Ye shall go quit, so that ye grant the matter now to run,

To end with mirth among us all, even as it was begun.

Chat.Say yea, Master Vicar, and he shall sure confess to be your debtor,And all we that be here present will love you much the better.

Chat.Say yea, Master Vicar, and he shall sure confess to be your debtor,

And all we that be here present will love you much the better.

Doctor Rat.My part is the worst; but since you all hereon agree,Go even to, Master Baily, let it be so for me.

Doctor Rat.My part is the worst; but since you all hereon agree,

Go even to, Master Baily, let it be so for me.

Baily.How say'st thou, Diccon, art content this shall on me depend?

Diccon.Go to, Master Baily, say on your mind, I know ye are my friend.

Baily.Then mark ye well; to recompense this thy former action,Because thou hast offended all, to make them satisfaction,Before their faces here kneel down, and as I shall thee teach,For thou shalt take an oath of Hodge's leather breech;First for Master Doctor, upon pain of his curse,Where he will pay for all, thou never draw thy purse:And when ye meet at one pot, he shall have the first pull;And thou shalt never offer him the cup, but it be full.To goodwife Chat thou shalt be sworn, even on the same wise,If she refuse thy money once, never to offer it twice.Thou shalt be bound by the same here, as thou dost take it:When thou may'st drink of free cost, thou never forsake it.For Gammer Gurton's sake, again sworn shalt thou be,To help her to her needle again, if it do lie in thee;And likewise be bound, by the virtue of that,To be of good a-bearing to Gib her great cat.Last of all for Hodge, the oath to scan,Thou shalt never take him for fine gentleman.

Baily.Then mark ye well; to recompense this thy former action,

Because thou hast offended all, to make them satisfaction,

Before their faces here kneel down, and as I shall thee teach,

For thou shalt take an oath of Hodge's leather breech;

First for Master Doctor, upon pain of his curse,

Where he will pay for all, thou never draw thy purse:

And when ye meet at one pot, he shall have the first pull;

And thou shalt never offer him the cup, but it be full.

To goodwife Chat thou shalt be sworn, even on the same wise,

If she refuse thy money once, never to offer it twice.

Thou shalt be bound by the same here, as thou dost take it:

When thou may'st drink of free cost, thou never forsake it.

For Gammer Gurton's sake, again sworn shalt thou be,

To help her to her needle again, if it do lie in thee;

And likewise be bound, by the virtue of that,

To be of good a-bearing to Gib her great cat.

Last of all for Hodge, the oath to scan,

Thou shalt never take him for fine gentleman.

Hodge.Come on, fellow Diccon, chall be even with thee now.

Baily.Thou wilt not stick to do this, Diccon, I trow?

Diccon.No, by my father's skin, my hand down I lay it;Look, as I have promised, I will not denay it;But, Hodge, take good heed now, thou do not beshit me.[And give him a good blow on the buttock.

Diccon.No, by my father's skin, my hand down I lay it;

Look, as I have promised, I will not denay it;

But, Hodge, take good heed now, thou do not beshit me.

[And give him a good blow on the buttock.

Hodge.Gog's heart, thou false villain, dost thou bite me?

Baily.What, Hodge, doth he hurt thee, ere ever he be begin?

Hodge.He thrust me into the buttock with a bodkin or a pin,[He discovers the needle.I say, gammer, gammer!

Hodge.He thrust me into the buttock with a bodkin or a pin,

[He discovers the needle.

I say, gammer, gammer!

Gammer.How now, Hodge, how now!

Hodge.God's malt, gammer Gurton——

Gammer.Thou art mad, ich trow.

Hodge.Will you see the devil, gammer?

Gammer.The devil, son! God bless us.

Hodge.Chould, [if] ich were hanged, gammer.

Gammer.Marry, see, ye might dress us.

Hodge.Chave it, by the mass, gammer.

Gammer.What, not my nee'le, Hodge?

Hodge.Your nee'le, gammer, your nee'le.

Gammer.No, fie, dost but dodge.

Hodge.Ch' a found your nee'le, gammer, here in my hand be it.

Gammer.For all the loves on earth,[312]Hodge, let me see it.

Hodge.Soft, gammer.

Gammer.Good Hodge.

Hodge.Soft, ich say, tarry a while.

Gammer.Nay, sweet Hodge, say truth, and not me beguile.

Hodge.Cham sure on it; ich warrant you, it goes no more astray.

Gammer.Hodge, when I speak so fair, wilt still say me nay?

Hodge.Go near the light, gammer, 'tis well in faith, good luck:Ch' was almost undone, 'twas so far in my buttock.

Hodge.Go near the light, gammer, 'tis well in faith, good luck:

Ch' was almost undone, 'twas so far in my buttock.

Gammer.'Tis mine own dear nee'le, Hodge, sikerly[313]I wot.

Hodge.Cham I not a good son, gammer, cham I not?

Gammer.Christ's blessing light on thee, hast made me for ever.

Hodge.Ich knew that ich must find it, else chould a' had it never.

Chat.By my troth, gossip Gurton, I am even as glad,As though I mine own self as good a turn had.

Chat.By my troth, gossip Gurton, I am even as glad,

As though I mine own self as good a turn had.

Baily.And I by my conscience, to see it so come forth,Rejoice so much at it, as three needles be worth.

Baily.And I by my conscience, to see it so come forth,

Rejoice so much at it, as three needles be worth.

Doctor Rat.I am no whit sorry to see you so rejoice.

Diccon. Nor I much the gladder for all this noise.Yet say, gramercy, Diccon, for springing of the game.

Diccon. Nor I much the gladder for all this noise.

Yet say, gramercy, Diccon, for springing of the game.

Gammer.Gramercy, Diccon, twenty times! O, how glad cham!If that chould do so much, your masterdom to come hither,Master Rat, goodwife Chat, and Diccon together;Cha but one halfpenny, as far as ich know it,And chill not rest this night, till ich bestow it.If ever ye love me, let us go in and drink.

Gammer.Gramercy, Diccon, twenty times! O, how glad cham!

If that chould do so much, your masterdom to come hither,

Master Rat, goodwife Chat, and Diccon together;

Cha but one halfpenny, as far as ich know it,

And chill not rest this night, till ich bestow it.

If ever ye love me, let us go in and drink.

Baily.I am content, if the rest think as I think.Master Rat, it shall be best for you if we so do,Then shall you warm you and dress yourself too.

Baily.I am content, if the rest think as I think.

Master Rat, it shall be best for you if we so do,

Then shall you warm you and dress yourself too.

Diccon.Soft, sirs, take us with you, the company shall be the more;As proud comes behind, they say, as any goes before.But now, my good masters, since we must be gone,And leave you behind us here all alone:Since at our last ending thus merry we be,For Gammer Gurton's needle sake, let us have a plaudite.

Diccon.Soft, sirs, take us with you, the company shall be the more;

As proud comes behind, they say, as any goes before.

But now, my good masters, since we must be gone,

And leave you behind us here all alone:

Since at our last ending thus merry we be,

For Gammer Gurton's needle sake, let us have a plaudite.

FINIS

Back to Index Next