ACT V., SCENE I.

EnterSimandJohn, passing over with a basin of rosemary[97]and a great flagon with wine.

Sim.Come, John, carry your hand steadily; the guests drop in apace, do not let your wine drop out.[98]John.'Tis as I told thee; Master Alexander, thy mistress' eldest son will be here.Sim.Rose, I pray burn some pitch i' th' parlour, 'tis good against ill airs; Master Alexander will be here.[Exeunt.

Sim.Come, John, carry your hand steadily; the guests drop in apace, do not let your wine drop out.[98]

John.'Tis as I told thee; Master Alexander, thy mistress' eldest son will be here.

Sim.Rose, I pray burn some pitch i' th' parlour, 'tis good against ill airs; Master Alexander will be here.[Exeunt.

EnterOld BloodhoundandJarvis.

Blood.I am up before you, son Ear-lack. Will Ancient Young be here with a rich wife too? Thy mistress is not stirring yet, sirrah. I'll hold my life the baggage slipped to thy mistress; there they have e'en locked the door to them, and aretricking up one another: O these women! But this rogue Tim, he lay out to-night too; he received my hundred mark, and (I fear) is murdered. Truss, truss, good Jarvis.Jar.He has been a-wooing, sir, and has fetched over the delicatest young virgin! Her father died but a week since, and left her to her marriage five thousand pound in money and a parcel of land worth three hundred per annum.Blood.Nay, nay, 'tis like; the boy had ever a captivating tongue to take a woman. O excellent money, excellent money, mistress of my devotions! My widow's estate is little less too; and then Sander—he has got a moneyed woman too; there will be a bulk of money. Tim is puling, I may tell thee, one that by nature's course cannot live long: t'other a midnight surfeit cuts off: then have I a trick to cosen both their widows, and make all mine. O Jarvis, what a moneyed generation shall I then get upon thy mistress?Jar.A very virtuous brood.Blood.Hast done?Jar.I have done, sir.Blood.I'll in and get some music for thy mistress, to quicken her this morning; and then to church in earnest. When 'tis done, where is Sir Nicholas Nemo and his wards.[99]

Jar.He has been a-wooing, sir, and has fetched over the delicatest young virgin! Her father died but a week since, and left her to her marriage five thousand pound in money and a parcel of land worth three hundred per annum.

Blood.Nay, nay, 'tis like; the boy had ever a captivating tongue to take a woman. O excellent money, excellent money, mistress of my devotions! My widow's estate is little less too; and then Sander—he has got a moneyed woman too; there will be a bulk of money. Tim is puling, I may tell thee, one that by nature's course cannot live long: t'other a midnight surfeit cuts off: then have I a trick to cosen both their widows, and make all mine. O Jarvis, what a moneyed generation shall I then get upon thy mistress?

Jar.A very virtuous brood.

Blood.Hast done?

Jar.I have done, sir.

Blood.I'll in and get some music for thy mistress, to quicken her this morning; and then to church in earnest. When 'tis done, where is Sir Nicholas Nemo and his wards.[99]

That watch so for her? Ha, ha, ha! all's mixed with honey:I have mirth, a sweet young widow, and her money.O that sweet saint, call'd Money![Exeunt.

EnterAlexander,Widow,Ancient,Moll, andSim.

Anc.Joy! ay, and a hundred pound a year in a black box to the bargain, given away i' th' dark last night to we know not who, and to be heard of, we know not when. 'Sfoot, an' this be joy, would we had a handsome slice of sorrow to season it.Alex.By this light, 'twas strange.Moll.Believe me, sir, I thought I had given it you: he that took it called me by my name.Sim.Did he speak Welsh or English?Moll.Alas! I know not; I enjoined him silence, seeing the watch coming, who parted us.Sim.If this were not Master Randalls of Randall Hall, that I told you of, I'll be flayed.Alex.Be masked, and withdraw awhile; here comes our dad.[Exeunt.

Alex.By this light, 'twas strange.

Moll.Believe me, sir, I thought I had given it you: he that took it called me by my name.

Sim.Did he speak Welsh or English?

Moll.Alas! I know not; I enjoined him silence, seeing the watch coming, who parted us.

Sim.If this were not Master Randalls of Randall Hall, that I told you of, I'll be flayed.

Alex.Be masked, and withdraw awhile; here comes our dad.[Exeunt.

EnterBloodhound,Sir Marmaduke Many-Minds,Sir Janus Ambidexter, andMasterBusy.

Blood.Why, Master Busy, asleep as thou stand'st, man!Sim.Some horse taught him that; 'tis worth god-a-mercy.[100]Con.I watch all night, I protest, sir; the compters pray for me: I send all in, cut and long tail.[101]Sir Mar.What, what?Con.I sent twelve gentlewomen, our own neighbours, last night, for being so late but at a woman's labour.Blood.Alas, sir! a woman in that kind, you know, must have help.Con.What's that to me? I am to take no notice of that: they might have let her alone till morning, or she might have cried out some other time.Sir Mar.Nay, nay, Master Busy knows his place, I warrant you.

Blood.Why, Master Busy, asleep as thou stand'st, man!

Sim.Some horse taught him that; 'tis worth god-a-mercy.[100]

Con.I watch all night, I protest, sir; the compters pray for me: I send all in, cut and long tail.[101]

Sir Mar.What, what?

Con.I sent twelve gentlewomen, our own neighbours, last night, for being so late but at a woman's labour.

Blood.Alas, sir! a woman in that kind, you know, must have help.

Con.What's that to me? I am to take no notice of that: they might have let her alone till morning, or she might have cried out some other time.

Sir Mar.Nay, nay, Master Busy knows his place, I warrant you.

EnterAlexander,Ancient Young,Widow, andMoll.[102]

Blood.Son Alexander, welcome; and Ancient Young too: I have heard all.Alex.You must pardon the rudeness of the gentlewomen, sir, in not unmasking; they entreated me to inform you, there are some i' th' house to whom they would by no means be laid open.Blood.They are witty, they are witty.Alex.But, for myself, I am now your most obedient, virtuous Alexander.Blood.Obedience! hang Virtue, let her starve. Has she money? has she money?Alex.Two chests of silver and two Utopian trunks[103]full of gold and jewels.Blood.They are all Alexander's women, do you mark?Sim.Alexander was the conqueror, sir?Blood.Come, come, we'll to church presently. Prythee, Jarvis, whilst the music plays just upon the delicious close, usher in the brides, the widow, and my Moll.[ExitJarvis.Sim.I tell you true, gallants, I have seen neither of them to-day. Shall I give him the lie?Blood.They are both locked up, i' faith, trimming of one another. O these women, they are so secret in their business, they will make very coxcombs of us men, and do 't at pleasure too. 'Tis well said, friends; play, play. Where's Sim?Anc.How he bestirs him!Alex.Yes, he will sweat by and by.Sim.Here is the sign of Sim, sir.Blood.Have the guests rosemary without?Sim.They haveRosethe cookmaid without; but they say you have MistressMarywithin.Alex.Well said, rascal.Blood.Mary's above, goodman blockhead. Call my son, Ear-lack, bid him for shame make haste.Sim.He shall make haste for shame.[Exit.Blood.I am so busied; you must bear with me, gentlemen: they leave it all to me here.Con.But I will go charge some of the inferior guests, in the king's name, to fill some wine.Blood.No, no, good Master Busy; we will first usher the brides.

Blood.Son Alexander, welcome; and Ancient Young too: I have heard all.

Alex.You must pardon the rudeness of the gentlewomen, sir, in not unmasking; they entreated me to inform you, there are some i' th' house to whom they would by no means be laid open.

Blood.They are witty, they are witty.

Alex.But, for myself, I am now your most obedient, virtuous Alexander.

Blood.Obedience! hang Virtue, let her starve. Has she money? has she money?

Alex.Two chests of silver and two Utopian trunks[103]full of gold and jewels.

Blood.They are all Alexander's women, do you mark?

Sim.Alexander was the conqueror, sir?

Blood.Come, come, we'll to church presently. Prythee, Jarvis, whilst the music plays just upon the delicious close, usher in the brides, the widow, and my Moll.[ExitJarvis.

Sim.I tell you true, gallants, I have seen neither of them to-day. Shall I give him the lie?

Blood.They are both locked up, i' faith, trimming of one another. O these women, they are so secret in their business, they will make very coxcombs of us men, and do 't at pleasure too. 'Tis well said, friends; play, play. Where's Sim?

Anc.How he bestirs him!

Alex.Yes, he will sweat by and by.

Sim.Here is the sign of Sim, sir.

Blood.Have the guests rosemary without?

Sim.They haveRosethe cookmaid without; but they say you have MistressMarywithin.

Alex.Well said, rascal.

Blood.Mary's above, goodman blockhead. Call my son, Ear-lack, bid him for shame make haste.

Sim.He shall make haste for shame.[Exit.

Blood.I am so busied; you must bear with me, gentlemen: they leave it all to me here.

Con.But I will go charge some of the inferior guests, in the king's name, to fill some wine.

Blood.No, no, good Master Busy; we will first usher the brides.

EnterSim.

Sim.O gentlemen, where are you? Where are you? Where are you, gentlemen?Omnes.What's the matter?Blood.Where's Moll, Sim? the widow, Sim, the dainty widow?Sim.There's no Moll; there is no dainty young widow; but a damnable bawd we found abed, with a face like an apple half-roasted.Omnes.How's this?Blood.Why, gentlemen!Anc.Now it works.Blood.Jarvis, you're a rogue: a cutpurse, Jarvis. Run, Sim, call my son Ear-lack: he shall put her into the spiritual court for this.Sim.Nay, he has put her in there already, for we found him abed with her.Omnes.Possible!Blood.Ha, boys! the informer and the bawd, the bawd and the informer have got a devil betwixt them, gentlemen.Sim.Nay, sir, the jest was, that they should fall asleep together, and forget themselves; for very lovingly we found them together, like the Gemini, or the two winter mornings met together. Look, look, look, where they come, sir, and Jarvis between 'em—just like the picture of knavery betwixt fraud and lechery.

Sim.O gentlemen, where are you? Where are you? Where are you, gentlemen?

Omnes.What's the matter?

Blood.Where's Moll, Sim? the widow, Sim, the dainty widow?

Sim.There's no Moll; there is no dainty young widow; but a damnable bawd we found abed, with a face like an apple half-roasted.

Omnes.How's this?

Blood.Why, gentlemen!

Anc.Now it works.

Blood.Jarvis, you're a rogue: a cutpurse, Jarvis. Run, Sim, call my son Ear-lack: he shall put her into the spiritual court for this.

Sim.Nay, he has put her in there already, for we found him abed with her.

Omnes.Possible!

Blood.Ha, boys! the informer and the bawd, the bawd and the informer have got a devil betwixt them, gentlemen.

Sim.Nay, sir, the jest was, that they should fall asleep together, and forget themselves; for very lovingly we found them together, like the Gemini, or the two winter mornings met together. Look, look, look, where they come, sir, and Jarvis between 'em—just like the picture of knavery betwixt fraud and lechery.

EnterJarvis,Ear-lack, andMistress Coote.

Jar.Tim is a puling sirrah, I may tell it thee: a midnight surfeit too may cut off Sander; I'll cosen their wives, make all mine own; and then, O Jarvis, what a moneyed generation shall I get upon this Widow Coote that hath two teeth!Blood.Did we bring you to music, with a mischief? Ear-lack, thou'rt a goat; thou hast abused the best bed in my house; I'll set a sumner[104]upon thee.Ear.Bloodhound, thou art a usurer, and takest forty in the hundred; I'll inform against thee.Blood.Are you a bawd, huswife, ha?Mis. Coote.Alas, sir! I was merely conied, betrayed by Jarvis; but as I have been bawd to the flesh, you have been bawd to your money; so set the hare-pie against the goose-giblets, and you and I are as daintily matched as can be, sir.Blood.Sim, run to the Widow Wag's; tell her we are both abused; this Jarvis is a juggler, say.Anc.I can save Sim that labour, sir. I assure you the widow is married to your son Alexander, and, as a confirmation, she is come herself to witness it.[Discovers.Alex.Your fair young daughter is wife to this Ancient, who is come likewise to witness it.Wid.The plain truth is, Master Bloodhound, I would entreat you to keep the kennel: the younger dog, being of the better scent, has borne the game before you.Alex.We have clapped hands on't, sir; and the priest that should have married you to her is to marry her to me: so, sister, talk for yourself.Blood.Ha, brave tricks and conceits! Can you dance, Master Ear-lack?Ear.Ha, ha! the old man's a little mad. But thou art not married, Moll?Moll.Yes, indeed, sir, and will lie with this gentleman soon at night. Do you think I would chew ram-mutton when I might swallow venison? That's none of Venus's documents, Monsieur Dotterel.Ear.Pox of that Venus! she's a whore, I warrant her.Blood.And were not you the other juggler with Jarvis in this, hey? pass and repass!Alex.Good sir, be satisfied; the widow and my sister sung both one song, and what was't, butCrabbed age and youth cannot live together.[105]Now we persuaded them, and they could not live together, they would never endure to lie together; this consequently descended, there was the antecedent: we clapped hands, sealed lips, and so fell unto the relative.Sim.This was your bargain upon the exchange, sir, and because you have ever been addicted toold proverbs and pithy saws, pray let me seal up the mistake with one that will appear very seasonably.Blood.And I pray let's hear it, sir.Sim.You, a new-fangled fowler, came to show your art i' th' dark; but take this truth, you catched in truth a cuckoo for't.

Blood.Did we bring you to music, with a mischief? Ear-lack, thou'rt a goat; thou hast abused the best bed in my house; I'll set a sumner[104]upon thee.

Ear.Bloodhound, thou art a usurer, and takest forty in the hundred; I'll inform against thee.

Blood.Are you a bawd, huswife, ha?

Mis. Coote.Alas, sir! I was merely conied, betrayed by Jarvis; but as I have been bawd to the flesh, you have been bawd to your money; so set the hare-pie against the goose-giblets, and you and I are as daintily matched as can be, sir.

Blood.Sim, run to the Widow Wag's; tell her we are both abused; this Jarvis is a juggler, say.

Anc.I can save Sim that labour, sir. I assure you the widow is married to your son Alexander, and, as a confirmation, she is come herself to witness it.[Discovers.

Alex.Your fair young daughter is wife to this Ancient, who is come likewise to witness it.

Wid.The plain truth is, Master Bloodhound, I would entreat you to keep the kennel: the younger dog, being of the better scent, has borne the game before you.

Alex.We have clapped hands on't, sir; and the priest that should have married you to her is to marry her to me: so, sister, talk for yourself.

Blood.Ha, brave tricks and conceits! Can you dance, Master Ear-lack?

Ear.Ha, ha! the old man's a little mad. But thou art not married, Moll?

Moll.Yes, indeed, sir, and will lie with this gentleman soon at night. Do you think I would chew ram-mutton when I might swallow venison? That's none of Venus's documents, Monsieur Dotterel.

Ear.Pox of that Venus! she's a whore, I warrant her.

Blood.And were not you the other juggler with Jarvis in this, hey? pass and repass!

Alex.Good sir, be satisfied; the widow and my sister sung both one song, and what was't, butCrabbed age and youth cannot live together.[105]Now we persuaded them, and they could not live together, they would never endure to lie together; this consequently descended, there was the antecedent: we clapped hands, sealed lips, and so fell unto the relative.

Sim.This was your bargain upon the exchange, sir, and because you have ever been addicted toold proverbs and pithy saws, pray let me seal up the mistake with one that will appear very seasonably.

Blood.And I pray let's hear it, sir.

Sim.You, a new-fangled fowler, came to show your art i' th' dark; but take this truth, you catched in truth a cuckoo for't.

EnterTimandSue.

Blood.Heyday, we are cheated by the rule, i' faith. Now, sirrah, they say you are to be married too.Tim.Yes, indeed, father, I am going to the business; and, gentlemen all, I am come, whether you will or no, to invite you all to my marriage to this gentlewoman who, though a good face needs no mask, she's masked, to make a man think she has a scurvy face, when I know she has a good face. This is sack to them, and out of their element.Blood.But, sirrah, setting aside marriages, where's my hundred marks you went to receive?Tim.Hum!—upon such a match of mine, talk of a hundred marks! this is to drink ignoble four-shillings beer. A hundred marks! why your lawyer there can clear such a trifle in a term, and his clients ne'er the better.Blood.Such a match! I pray discover her; what is she?Tim.What is she! here's my brother knows what she is well enough. Come hither, Dab, and be it known unto you, her name is Lindabrides, descended from the Emperor Trebatio of Greece, and half-niece, some six-and-fifty descents, to the most unvanquished Clarindiana.Alex.Who's this? Pox on't! what makes that bawd yonder?[Unmasks her.Con.I am very much deceived if I did not send this gentlewoman very drunk t'other night to the Compter.Tim.I tell thee, prattling constable, 'tis a lie: Lindabrides a drunkard!Alex.Harkee, brother, where lies her living?Tim.Where? why, in Greece.Alex.In grease.Sim.She looks as if she had sold kitchen-stuff.Alex.This is a common whore, and you a cheated coxcomb. Come hither, you rotten hospital, hung round with greasy satin; do not you know this vermin?Mis. Coote.I winked at you, Sue, and you could have seen me: there's one Jarvis, a rope on him, h' has juggled me into the suds too.Con.Now I know her name too: do not you pass under the name of Sue Shortheels, minion?Sue.Go look, Master Littlewit. Will not any woman thrust herself upon a good fortune when it is offered her?Blood.Sir Marmaduke, you are a justice of peace; I charge you in the king's name, you and Master Ambidexter, to assist me with the whore and the bawd to Bridewell.Sir Mar.By my troth, we will, and we shall have an excellent stomach by that time dinner's ready.Amb.Ay, ay, away with them, away with them!Mis. Coote.O this rogue Jarvis!

Blood.Heyday, we are cheated by the rule, i' faith. Now, sirrah, they say you are to be married too.

Tim.Yes, indeed, father, I am going to the business; and, gentlemen all, I am come, whether you will or no, to invite you all to my marriage to this gentlewoman who, though a good face needs no mask, she's masked, to make a man think she has a scurvy face, when I know she has a good face. This is sack to them, and out of their element.

Blood.But, sirrah, setting aside marriages, where's my hundred marks you went to receive?

Tim.Hum!—upon such a match of mine, talk of a hundred marks! this is to drink ignoble four-shillings beer. A hundred marks! why your lawyer there can clear such a trifle in a term, and his clients ne'er the better.

Blood.Such a match! I pray discover her; what is she?

Tim.What is she! here's my brother knows what she is well enough. Come hither, Dab, and be it known unto you, her name is Lindabrides, descended from the Emperor Trebatio of Greece, and half-niece, some six-and-fifty descents, to the most unvanquished Clarindiana.

Alex.Who's this? Pox on't! what makes that bawd yonder?[Unmasks her.

Con.I am very much deceived if I did not send this gentlewoman very drunk t'other night to the Compter.

Tim.I tell thee, prattling constable, 'tis a lie: Lindabrides a drunkard!

Alex.Harkee, brother, where lies her living?

Tim.Where? why, in Greece.

Alex.In grease.

Sim.She looks as if she had sold kitchen-stuff.

Alex.This is a common whore, and you a cheated coxcomb. Come hither, you rotten hospital, hung round with greasy satin; do not you know this vermin?

Mis. Coote.I winked at you, Sue, and you could have seen me: there's one Jarvis, a rope on him, h' has juggled me into the suds too.

Con.Now I know her name too: do not you pass under the name of Sue Shortheels, minion?

Sue.Go look, Master Littlewit. Will not any woman thrust herself upon a good fortune when it is offered her?

Blood.Sir Marmaduke, you are a justice of peace; I charge you in the king's name, you and Master Ambidexter, to assist me with the whore and the bawd to Bridewell.

Sir Mar.By my troth, we will, and we shall have an excellent stomach by that time dinner's ready.

Amb.Ay, ay, away with them, away with them!

Mis. Coote.O this rogue Jarvis!

[ExeuntCooteandShortheels.

Blood.Now, now, you look like a melancholy dog, that had lost his dinner; where's my hundred marks now, you coxcomb?Tim.Truly, father, I have paid some sixteenreckonings since I saw you: I was never sober since you sent me to the devil yesterday; and for the rest of your money, I sent it to one Captain Carvegut. He swore to me his father was my Lord Mayor's cook, and that by Easter next you should have the principal and eggs for the use, indeed, sir.Blood.O rogue, rogue! I shall have eggs for my money:[106]I must hang myself.Sim.Not before dinner, pray, sir; the pies are almost baked.

Blood.Now, now, you look like a melancholy dog, that had lost his dinner; where's my hundred marks now, you coxcomb?

Tim.Truly, father, I have paid some sixteenreckonings since I saw you: I was never sober since you sent me to the devil yesterday; and for the rest of your money, I sent it to one Captain Carvegut. He swore to me his father was my Lord Mayor's cook, and that by Easter next you should have the principal and eggs for the use, indeed, sir.

Blood.O rogue, rogue! I shall have eggs for my money:[106]I must hang myself.

Sim.Not before dinner, pray, sir; the pies are almost baked.

EnterRandall.

Ran.And Maries now was won,And all her pusiness done,And Randalls now was run;Hur have made all sure, I warrant hur.

Alex.Look, look, yonder's the conceit the mistake happened upon last night.Anc.And the very box at's girdle.Ran.Cot pless hur father Ploothounds, Randalls have robbed Ancients, hur warrant hur.Anc.Sir, 'tis known how you came by that box.

Alex.Look, look, yonder's the conceit the mistake happened upon last night.

Anc.And the very box at's girdle.

Ran.Cot pless hur father Ploothounds, Randalls have robbed Ancients, hur warrant hur.

Anc.Sir, 'tis known how you came by that box.

Ran.Augh! was hur so?Will you hear a noble Pritain,How her gull an English Flag?[107]

Anc.And you ought to cry.Ran.O noble Randalls, as hur meet by Nag's-head, with Maries plood, prave.Blood.Here's another madman.Anc.Harkee in your ear, you must deliver that box to me.Ran.Harkee in hur t'other ear, hur will not deliver hur, and hur were nine-and-forty Ancients, and five-and-fourscore Flags.Anc.Let my foe write mine epitaph if I tear not my birthright from thy bosom?[Draws.Sim.Gentlemen, there's Aligant[108]i' th' house, pray set no more abroach.Ran.Nay, let hur come with hur pack of needles, Randalls can pox and bob as well as hur, hur warrant hur.Blood.What box is that? I should know that box.Alex.I will resolve you, sir; keep them asunder.Anc.You will restore that box?Ran.Hur will not restore hur: 'twas Mary Ploodhounds gave hur the box; Randalls have married Mary Ploodhounds, and gulled Ancient, mark hur now.Wid.Mark him, good sir; methinks he says he has married Mary Bloodhound.Anc.Hang him, he's mad!Ran.Souns, make tog of Randalls? come out here, Maries. Look, here was Mary Ploodhounds.

Anc.And you ought to cry.

Ran.O noble Randalls, as hur meet by Nag's-head, with Maries plood, prave.

Blood.Here's another madman.

Anc.Harkee in your ear, you must deliver that box to me.

Ran.Harkee in hur t'other ear, hur will not deliver hur, and hur were nine-and-forty Ancients, and five-and-fourscore Flags.

Anc.Let my foe write mine epitaph if I tear not my birthright from thy bosom?[Draws.

Sim.Gentlemen, there's Aligant[108]i' th' house, pray set no more abroach.

Ran.Nay, let hur come with hur pack of needles, Randalls can pox and bob as well as hur, hur warrant hur.

Blood.What box is that? I should know that box.

Alex.I will resolve you, sir; keep them asunder.

Anc.You will restore that box?

Ran.Hur will not restore hur: 'twas Mary Ploodhounds gave hur the box; Randalls have married Mary Ploodhounds, and gulled Ancient, mark hur now.

Wid.Mark him, good sir; methinks he says he has married Mary Bloodhound.

Anc.Hang him, he's mad!

Ran.Souns, make tog of Randalls? come out here, Maries. Look, here was Mary Ploodhounds.

EnterMaidandHugh.

Now I pray tumble down of hur marrow-pones, and ask hur father plessing?Alex.This! why this is your maid, widow.Ear.This is Mary the widow's maid, man.Alex.And here is Mary Bloodhound, my choleric shred of Cadwallader, married to this gentleman, who has a hundred a year dangling at your girdle there.Wid.I pray, mistress, are you married to this gentleman?Maid.By six i' th' morning, forsooth: he took me for Mary Bloodhound, having, it seems, never seen either of us before, and I being something amorously affected, as they say, to his Welsh ditties, answered to her name, lay with him all night, and married him this morning; so that as he took me for her, I took him as he was, forsooth.Sim.She means for a fool; I'm fain to answer you.Blood.Ha, ha, ha! Cupid, this twenty-four hours, has done nothing but cut cross-capers.Alex.Do ye hear, Sir Bartholomew Bayard,[109]that leap before you look? it will handsomely become you to restore the box to that gentleman, and the magnitude of your desires upon this dainty, that is so amorously taken with your ditties.Ran.Hur wail[110]in woe, her plunge in pain.And yet, by cat, her do not neither. Randalls will prove hurself Pritains born, and because hur understands Ancients was prave fellows and great travellers, there is hur box for hur.Anc.I thank you.Ran.And because was no remedies, before hur all, here will Randalls embrace Maries, and take a puss.[Kisses.

Now I pray tumble down of hur marrow-pones, and ask hur father plessing?

Alex.This! why this is your maid, widow.

Ear.This is Mary the widow's maid, man.

Alex.And here is Mary Bloodhound, my choleric shred of Cadwallader, married to this gentleman, who has a hundred a year dangling at your girdle there.

Wid.I pray, mistress, are you married to this gentleman?

Maid.By six i' th' morning, forsooth: he took me for Mary Bloodhound, having, it seems, never seen either of us before, and I being something amorously affected, as they say, to his Welsh ditties, answered to her name, lay with him all night, and married him this morning; so that as he took me for her, I took him as he was, forsooth.

Sim.She means for a fool; I'm fain to answer you.

Blood.Ha, ha, ha! Cupid, this twenty-four hours, has done nothing but cut cross-capers.

Alex.Do ye hear, Sir Bartholomew Bayard,[109]that leap before you look? it will handsomely become you to restore the box to that gentleman, and the magnitude of your desires upon this dainty, that is so amorously taken with your ditties.

Ran.Hur wail[110]in woe, her plunge in pain.

And yet, by cat, her do not neither. Randalls will prove hurself Pritains born, and because hur understands Ancients was prave fellows and great travellers, there is hur box for hur.

Anc.I thank you.

Ran.And because was no remedies, before hur all, here will Randalls embrace Maries, and take a puss.[Kisses.

EnterJarvisbrave.

Jar.Save you, gallants, do you want any guest?Call me thy coz, and carry it handsomely.

[To theWidow.

Blood.Who have we here, trow?Alex.Dost thou know the gentleman that whispered to thee?Wid.O, wondrous well! He bid me call him coz, and carry it handsomely.Jar.Widow, would I were off again.Wid.Know, all: this gentleman has, to obtain his lust and loose desires, served me this seven months under the shape and name of Jarvis.Omnes.Possible!Wid.Look well; do you not know him?Blood.The very face of Jarvis.Tim.Ay truly, father, and he were anything like him, I would swear 'twere he.

Blood.Who have we here, trow?

Alex.Dost thou know the gentleman that whispered to thee?

Wid.O, wondrous well! He bid me call him coz, and carry it handsomely.

Jar.Widow, would I were off again.

Wid.Know, all: this gentleman has, to obtain his lust and loose desires, served me this seven months under the shape and name of Jarvis.

Omnes.Possible!

Wid.Look well; do you not know him?

Blood.The very face of Jarvis.

Tim.Ay truly, father, and he were anything like him, I would swear 'twere he.

Jar.I must cast my skin, and am catch'd.Why, coz.Wid.Come, you're cosen'd,And with a noble craft. He tempted meIn mine own house, and I bid him keep's disguiseBut till this morning, and he should perceiveI loved him truly; intending here before youTo let him know't, especially i' th' presenceOf you, sir, that intend me for your wife.

Jar.I must cast my skin, and am catch'd.Why, coz.

Wid.Come, you're cosen'd,And with a noble craft. He tempted meIn mine own house, and I bid him keep's disguiseBut till this morning, and he should perceiveI loved him truly; intending here before youTo let him know't, especially i' th' presenceOf you, sir, that intend me for your wife.

Anc.What should this mean?Alex.Some witty trick, I warrant thee: prythee, despatch him presently, that we were at church!Wid.First, then, know you for truth, sir, I mean never to marry.Blood.How, woman?Sim.She has despatched you, sir!Wid.And for a truth, sir, know you, I never mean to be your whore.Blood.This is strange.[111]

Anc.What should this mean?

Alex.Some witty trick, I warrant thee: prythee, despatch him presently, that we were at church!

Wid.First, then, know you for truth, sir, I mean never to marry.

Blood.How, woman?

Sim.She has despatched you, sir!

Wid.And for a truth, sir, know you, I never mean to be your whore.

Blood.This is strange.[111]

Wid.But true, as she, whose chaste, immaculate soulRetains the noble stamp of her integrityWith an undefac'd perfection—perchance as these.Nay, common fame hath scattered, you conceive me,Because pale Jealousy (Cupid's angry fool)Was frequent lodger at that sign of Folly—My husband's soon suspicious heart—that I,In a close-clouded looseness, should expose himTo that desperate distraction of his fortunesThat sent him to the sea, to nourish herWith your vain hope, that the fame of frequent suitorsWas but a mask of loose 'scapes: like men at lotteries,You thought to put in for one, sir; but, believe me,You have drawn a blank.Ran.By cat, hur look fery blank indeed.Wid.O my beloved husband!However in thy life thy jealousySent thee so far to find death, I will beMarried to nothing but thy memory!

Ran.By cat, hur look fery blank indeed.

Wid.O my beloved husband!However in thy life thy jealousySent thee so far to find death, I will beMarried to nothing but thy memory!

Alex.But shall the pies be spoiled then?Jar.Let her alone, if her husband do not know this——Omnes.Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!Blood.Her husband, I told you, was a madman.Anc.Why, her husband's dead, sir.Jar.He is not dead, sir; he had it spread o' purpose; he is in England, and in your house; and look, do you not see him?Wid.Where, where?

Alex.But shall the pies be spoiled then?

Jar.Let her alone, if her husband do not know this——

Omnes.Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Blood.Her husband, I told you, was a madman.

Anc.Why, her husband's dead, sir.

Jar.He is not dead, sir; he had it spread o' purpose; he is in England, and in your house; and look, do you not see him?

Wid.Where, where?

Jar.Here, here he is that hath found rash jealousy,Love's joys, and a wife whose discreet carriageCan intimate to all men a fair freedom,And to one be faithful. Such a wife I prove,Her husband's glory, worth a wealthy love.

Wid.You're welcome to my soul, sir.Blood.By my troth, Master Wag, this was a wag's trick indeed; but I knew I knew you; I remembered you a month ago, but that I had forgotten where I saw you.Sim.I knew you were a crafty merchant;[112]you helped my master to such bargains upon the Exchange last night: here has been the merriest morning after it.Alex.My pitcher's broke just at the well-head; but give me leave to tell you, sir, that you have a noble wife, and indeed such a one as would worthily feast the very discretion of a wise man's desire. Her wit ingeniously waits upon her virtue, and her virtue advisedly gives freedom to her wit; but because my marriage shall seriously proceed, I wed myself, sir, to obedience and filial regularity, and vow to redeem, in the duty of a son, the affection of a father.Ran.By cat, was as well spoke as Randall hurself could talk.

Wid.You're welcome to my soul, sir.

Blood.By my troth, Master Wag, this was a wag's trick indeed; but I knew I knew you; I remembered you a month ago, but that I had forgotten where I saw you.

Sim.I knew you were a crafty merchant;[112]you helped my master to such bargains upon the Exchange last night: here has been the merriest morning after it.

Alex.My pitcher's broke just at the well-head; but give me leave to tell you, sir, that you have a noble wife, and indeed such a one as would worthily feast the very discretion of a wise man's desire. Her wit ingeniously waits upon her virtue, and her virtue advisedly gives freedom to her wit; but because my marriage shall seriously proceed, I wed myself, sir, to obedience and filial regularity, and vow to redeem, in the duty of a son, the affection of a father.

Ran.By cat, was as well spoke as Randall hurself could talk.

Blood.All's forgotten now, my best son Alexander;And that thy wedding want no good company,I invite you all.Jar.Come, my deserving wife,Wisdom this day re-marries us. And, gentlemen,From all our errors we'll extract this truth:Who vicious ends propose,[113]they stand on wheels,And the least turn of chance throws up their heels;But virtuous lovers ever green do last,Like laurel, which no lightening can blast.

Blood.All's forgotten now, my best son Alexander;And that thy wedding want no good company,I invite you all.

Jar.Come, my deserving wife,Wisdom this day re-marries us. And, gentlemen,From all our errors we'll extract this truth:Who vicious ends propose,[113]they stand on wheels,And the least turn of chance throws up their heels;But virtuous lovers ever green do last,Like laurel, which no lightening can blast.

FOOTNOTES:[97]"Rosemary," as Mr Steevens observes (note to "Hamlet," act iv. sc. 5), "was anciently supposed to strengthen the memory; and was not only carried at funerals, but worn at weddings." See the several instances there quoted. Again, in Dekker's "Wonderful Yeare," 1603: "Heere is a strange alteration; for therosemarythat was washt in sweet water to set out the bridall, is now wet in teares to furnish her buriall."Again, in "The Old Law," act iv. sc. 1: "Besides, there will be charges saved, too; the samerosemarythat serves for the funeral will serve for the wedding."And in "The Fair Quarrell," act v. sc. 1—"Phis.Your Maister is to bee married to-day.Trim.Else all thisrosemarieslost."It appears also to have been customary to drink wine at church, immediately after the marriage ceremony was performed. So in Dekker's "Satiro-mastix:" "And, Peter, when we are at church, bringwineand cakes." At the marriage of the Elector Palatine with the Princess Elizabeth, daughter of James the First, it is said, "In conclusion, a joy pronounced by the king and queen, and seconded with congratulations of the lords there present, which crowned with draughts ofIppocras, out of a great golden bowle, as a health to the prosperitie of the marriage (began by the Prince Palatine, and answered by the Princess), after which were served up by six or seaven barons, so many bowles filled with wafers, so much of that worke was consummate."—Finett's "Philoxenis," 1656, fol. 11.[98][Old copy,on't.][99]The old copy readsSir Nicholas Nemo and his words, but the sense seems to require that it should beSir Nicholas Nemo and his wards, or watchmen or spies.—Collier.[100][See "Old English Jest-Books," ii. 217-18.][101][Equivalent to our modern phrase, tag, rag, and bobtail. The original signification seems to have been descriptive of the different kinds of horses, cuts, curtails, and longtails, and hence it came to mean generallyall sorts and kinds, like the modern term. Compare Dyce's "Shakespeare Glossary," 1868, inv.] This phrase occurs in "The Merry Wives of Windsor," act iii. sc. 4. Steevens says the origin of it was from Forest Laws, by which the dog of a man who had no right to the privilege of chase, was obliged to be cut or lawed; and amongst other modes of disabling him, one was by depriving him of his tail.Cutandlong tailtherefore signified the dog of a clown and the dog of a gentleman. [Reed (more correctly) remarks:] "Cut and long tail, I apprehend referred originally to horses, when their tails were either docked, or left to grow their full length; and this distinction might formerly be made according to their qualities and values. A horse therefore used for drudgery might have his tail cut, while the tails of those which served for pomp or show, might be allowed their utmost growth. Acutappears to have been the term used for a bad horse in many contemporary writers, and from thence to call a personcutbecame a common opprobrious word employed by the vulgar, when they abused each other. See note to 'Gammer Gurton's Needle' [iii. 211.] In confirmation of this idea, it may be added, that Sim says in the text,Some horse taught him that, which naturally introduces the phrasecut and long tailinto the Constable's answer. The wordscut and long tailoccur also in 'The Return from Parnassus,' act iv. sc. 1: 'As long as it lasts, comecut and long tail, we'll spend it as liberally for his sake.' There seems no doubt thatcut and long tailhas reference to horses. Sir J. Vanbrugh, in his 'Æsop,' so employs the phrase: the groom says, 'Your worship has six coach horses,cut and long tail, two runners, half a dozen hunters,' &c."—Collier.[102]Their entrance is not mentioned in the 4o.—Collier.[103]i.e., Ideal ones, like theUtopianschemes of government.—Steevens.[104]See note to "The Heir," [xi. 535.][105]This elegant song was the production of our great poet Shakespeare. It is printed in his collection of sonnets, entitled "The Passionate Pilgrim." The reader may likewise see it in "Percy's Reliques of Antient Poetry," vol. i. p. 259.[106]The same phrase occurs in Shakespeare's "Winter's Tale," act i. sc. 2, where Leontes says to Mamillius—"Mine honest friend,Will you take eggs for money?"Dr Johnson says that it seems to be a proverbial expression used when a man sees himself wronged and makes no resistance; and Mr Smith is of opinion that it meansWill you put up affronts?In the present instance it seems intended to express the speaker's fears that he shall receive nothing in return for his money.[107]These lines seem intended as a parody on the beginning of the old song called "The Spanish Lady's Love." See Percy's "Reliques," vol. ii. p. 233. An English Flag means theAncient; a name which was formerly used as synonymous toEnsign.[108]i.e., Wine of Alicant. [But Sim means to dissuade them from bloodshed, as there is red wine already in the house.][109][See Nares, edit. 1859, inv.Bayard meant originallya bay horse, and afterward any kind or colour.][110]This tune is mentioned in "Eastward Hoe," 1605. In Gascoigne's works, 1587, fol. 278, is the following line—"I wept forwoe, I pin'd for deadlypaine."[111]Mr Reed transferred this exclamation to Alexander, but it is just as probably what old Bloodhound says, and the old copy gives it to him.—Collier.[112][This word has been already explained more than once.][113]The 4ohas it,Where vicious ends prepose, and in the next line but one virtuous lovers are calledvirtue'slovers. The last may be right.—Collier.

[97]"Rosemary," as Mr Steevens observes (note to "Hamlet," act iv. sc. 5), "was anciently supposed to strengthen the memory; and was not only carried at funerals, but worn at weddings." See the several instances there quoted. Again, in Dekker's "Wonderful Yeare," 1603: "Heere is a strange alteration; for therosemarythat was washt in sweet water to set out the bridall, is now wet in teares to furnish her buriall."Again, in "The Old Law," act iv. sc. 1: "Besides, there will be charges saved, too; the samerosemarythat serves for the funeral will serve for the wedding."And in "The Fair Quarrell," act v. sc. 1—"Phis.Your Maister is to bee married to-day.Trim.Else all thisrosemarieslost."It appears also to have been customary to drink wine at church, immediately after the marriage ceremony was performed. So in Dekker's "Satiro-mastix:" "And, Peter, when we are at church, bringwineand cakes." At the marriage of the Elector Palatine with the Princess Elizabeth, daughter of James the First, it is said, "In conclusion, a joy pronounced by the king and queen, and seconded with congratulations of the lords there present, which crowned with draughts ofIppocras, out of a great golden bowle, as a health to the prosperitie of the marriage (began by the Prince Palatine, and answered by the Princess), after which were served up by six or seaven barons, so many bowles filled with wafers, so much of that worke was consummate."—Finett's "Philoxenis," 1656, fol. 11.

Again, in "The Old Law," act iv. sc. 1: "Besides, there will be charges saved, too; the samerosemarythat serves for the funeral will serve for the wedding."

And in "The Fair Quarrell," act v. sc. 1—

"Phis.Your Maister is to bee married to-day.Trim.Else all thisrosemarieslost."

"Phis.Your Maister is to bee married to-day.

Trim.Else all thisrosemarieslost."

It appears also to have been customary to drink wine at church, immediately after the marriage ceremony was performed. So in Dekker's "Satiro-mastix:" "And, Peter, when we are at church, bringwineand cakes." At the marriage of the Elector Palatine with the Princess Elizabeth, daughter of James the First, it is said, "In conclusion, a joy pronounced by the king and queen, and seconded with congratulations of the lords there present, which crowned with draughts ofIppocras, out of a great golden bowle, as a health to the prosperitie of the marriage (began by the Prince Palatine, and answered by the Princess), after which were served up by six or seaven barons, so many bowles filled with wafers, so much of that worke was consummate."—Finett's "Philoxenis," 1656, fol. 11.

[98][Old copy,on't.]

[99]The old copy readsSir Nicholas Nemo and his words, but the sense seems to require that it should beSir Nicholas Nemo and his wards, or watchmen or spies.—Collier.

[100][See "Old English Jest-Books," ii. 217-18.]

[101][Equivalent to our modern phrase, tag, rag, and bobtail. The original signification seems to have been descriptive of the different kinds of horses, cuts, curtails, and longtails, and hence it came to mean generallyall sorts and kinds, like the modern term. Compare Dyce's "Shakespeare Glossary," 1868, inv.] This phrase occurs in "The Merry Wives of Windsor," act iii. sc. 4. Steevens says the origin of it was from Forest Laws, by which the dog of a man who had no right to the privilege of chase, was obliged to be cut or lawed; and amongst other modes of disabling him, one was by depriving him of his tail.Cutandlong tailtherefore signified the dog of a clown and the dog of a gentleman. [Reed (more correctly) remarks:] "Cut and long tail, I apprehend referred originally to horses, when their tails were either docked, or left to grow their full length; and this distinction might formerly be made according to their qualities and values. A horse therefore used for drudgery might have his tail cut, while the tails of those which served for pomp or show, might be allowed their utmost growth. Acutappears to have been the term used for a bad horse in many contemporary writers, and from thence to call a personcutbecame a common opprobrious word employed by the vulgar, when they abused each other. See note to 'Gammer Gurton's Needle' [iii. 211.] In confirmation of this idea, it may be added, that Sim says in the text,Some horse taught him that, which naturally introduces the phrasecut and long tailinto the Constable's answer. The wordscut and long tailoccur also in 'The Return from Parnassus,' act iv. sc. 1: 'As long as it lasts, comecut and long tail, we'll spend it as liberally for his sake.' There seems no doubt thatcut and long tailhas reference to horses. Sir J. Vanbrugh, in his 'Æsop,' so employs the phrase: the groom says, 'Your worship has six coach horses,cut and long tail, two runners, half a dozen hunters,' &c."—Collier.

[102]Their entrance is not mentioned in the 4o.—Collier.

[103]i.e., Ideal ones, like theUtopianschemes of government.—Steevens.

[104]See note to "The Heir," [xi. 535.]

[105]This elegant song was the production of our great poet Shakespeare. It is printed in his collection of sonnets, entitled "The Passionate Pilgrim." The reader may likewise see it in "Percy's Reliques of Antient Poetry," vol. i. p. 259.

[106]The same phrase occurs in Shakespeare's "Winter's Tale," act i. sc. 2, where Leontes says to Mamillius—"Mine honest friend,Will you take eggs for money?"Dr Johnson says that it seems to be a proverbial expression used when a man sees himself wronged and makes no resistance; and Mr Smith is of opinion that it meansWill you put up affronts?In the present instance it seems intended to express the speaker's fears that he shall receive nothing in return for his money.

[106]The same phrase occurs in Shakespeare's "Winter's Tale," act i. sc. 2, where Leontes says to Mamillius—

"Mine honest friend,Will you take eggs for money?"

Dr Johnson says that it seems to be a proverbial expression used when a man sees himself wronged and makes no resistance; and Mr Smith is of opinion that it meansWill you put up affronts?In the present instance it seems intended to express the speaker's fears that he shall receive nothing in return for his money.

[107]These lines seem intended as a parody on the beginning of the old song called "The Spanish Lady's Love." See Percy's "Reliques," vol. ii. p. 233. An English Flag means theAncient; a name which was formerly used as synonymous toEnsign.

[108]i.e., Wine of Alicant. [But Sim means to dissuade them from bloodshed, as there is red wine already in the house.]

[109][See Nares, edit. 1859, inv.Bayard meant originallya bay horse, and afterward any kind or colour.]

[110]This tune is mentioned in "Eastward Hoe," 1605. In Gascoigne's works, 1587, fol. 278, is the following line—"I wept forwoe, I pin'd for deadlypaine."

[110]This tune is mentioned in "Eastward Hoe," 1605. In Gascoigne's works, 1587, fol. 278, is the following line—

"I wept forwoe, I pin'd for deadlypaine."

[111]Mr Reed transferred this exclamation to Alexander, but it is just as probably what old Bloodhound says, and the old copy gives it to him.—Collier.

[112][This word has been already explained more than once.]

[113]The 4ohas it,Where vicious ends prepose, and in the next line but one virtuous lovers are calledvirtue'slovers. The last may be right.—Collier.

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