ACT I.SCENE I.—The Hall of an Inn.Enter TOM FASHION and LORY, POSTILION following with a portmanteau.TOM FASHION.Lory, pay the postboy, and take the portmanteau.LORY.[Aside to TOM FASHION.] Faith, sir, we had better let the postboy take the portmanteau and pay himself.TOM FASHION.[Aside to LORY.] Why, sure, there’s something left in it!LORY.Not a rag, upon my honour, sir! We ate the last of your wardrobe at New Malton—and, if we had had twenty miles further to go, our next meal must have been of the cloak-bag.TOM FASHION.Why, ’sdeath, it appears full!LORY.Yes, sir—I made bold to stuff it with hay, to save appearances, and look like baggage.TOM FASHION.[Aside.] What the devil shall I do?—[Aloud.] Hark’ee, boy, what’s the chaise?POSTILION.Thirteen shillings, please your honour.TOM FASHION.Can you give me change for a guinea?POSTILION.Oh, yes, sir.LORY.[Aside.] So, what will he do now?—[Aloud.] Lord, sir, you had better let the boy be paid below.TOM FASHION.Why, as you say, Lory, I believe it will be as well.LORY.Yes, yes, I’ll tell them to discharge you below, honest friend.POSTILION.Please your honour, there are the turnpikes too.TOM FASHION.Ay, ay, the turnpikes by all means.POSTILION.And I hope your honour will order me something for myself.TOM FASHION.To be sure; bid them give you a crown.LORY.Yes, yes—my master doesn’t care what you charge them—so get along, you—POSTILION.And there’s the ostler, your honour.LORY.Psha! damn the ostler!—would you impose upon the gentleman’s generosity?—[Pushes him out.] A rascal, to be so cursed ready with his change!TOM FASHION.Why, faith, Lory, he had nearly posed me.LORY.Well, sir, we are arrived at Scarborough, not worth a guinea! I hope you’ll own yourself a happy man—you have outlived all your cares.TOM FASHION.How so, sir?LORY.Why, you have nothing left to take care of.TOM FASHION.Yes, sirrah, I have myself and you to take care of still.LORY.Sir, if you could prevail with somebody else to do that for you, I fancy we might both fare the better for it. But now, sir, for my Lord Foppington, your elder brother.TOM FASHION.Damn my eldest brother.LORY.With all my heart; but get him to redeem your annuity, however. Look you, sir; you must wheedle him, or you must starve.TOM FASHION.Look you, sir; I would neither wheedle him, nor starve.LORY.Why, what will you do, then?TOM FASHION.Cut his throat, or get someone to do it for me.LORY.Gad so, sir, I’m glad to find I was not so well acquainted with the strength of your conscience as with the weakness of your purse.TOM FASHION.Why, art thou so impenetrable a blockhead as to believe he’ll help me with a farthing?LORY.Not if you treat himde haut en bas, as you used to do.TOM FASHION.Why, how wouldst have me treat him?LORY.Like a trout—tickle him.TOM FASHION.I can’t flatter.LORY.Can you starve?TOM FASHION.Yes.LORY.I can’t. Good by t’ye, sir.TOM FASHION.Stay—thou’lt distract me. But who comes here? My old friend, Colonel Townly.EnterCOLONEL TOWNLY.My dear Colonel, I am rejoiced to meet you here.COLONEL TOWNLY.Dear Tom, this is an unexpected pleasure! What, are you come to Scarborough to be present at your brother’s wedding?LORY.Ah, sir, if it had been his funeral, we should have come with pleasure.COLONEL TOWNLY.What, honest Lory, are you with your master still?LORY.Yes, sir; I have been starving with him ever since I saw your honour last.TOM FASHION.Why, Lory is an attached rogue; there’s no getting rid of him.LORY.True, sir, as my master says, there’s no seducing me from his service.—[Aside.] Till he’s able to pay me my wages.TOM FASHION.Go, go, sir, and take care of the baggage.LORY.Yes, sir, the baggage!—O Lord! [Takes up the portmanteau.] I suppose, sir, I must charge the landlord to be very particular where he stows this?TOM FASHION.Get along, you rascal.—[ExitLORYwith the portmanteau.] But, Colonel, are you acquainted with my proposed sister-in-law?COLONEL TOWNLY.Only by character. Her father, Sir Tunbelly Clumsy, lives within a quarter of a mile of this place, in a lonely old house, which nobody comes near. She never goes abroad, nor sees company at home; to prevent all misfortunes, she has her breeding within doors; the parson of the parish teaches her to play upon the dulcimer, the clerk to sing, her nurse to dress, and her father to dance;—in short, nobody has free admission there but our old acquaintance, Mother Coupler, who has procured your brother this match, and is, I believe, a distant relation of Sir Tunbelly’s.TOM FASHION.But is her fortune so considerable?COLONEL TOWNLY.Three thousand a year, and a good sum of money, independent of her father, beside.TOM FASHION.’Sdeath! that my old acquaintance, Dame Coupler, could not have thought of me, as well as my brother, for such a prize.COLONEL TOWNLY.Egad, I wouldn’t swear that you are too late. His lordship, I know, hasn’t yet seen the lady—and, I believe, has quarrelled with his patroness.TOM FASHION.My dear Colonel, what an idea have you started!COLONEL TOWNLY.Pursue it, if you can, and I promise you shall have my assistance; for, besides my natural contempt for his lordship, I have at present the enmity of a rival towards him.TOM FASHION.What, has he been addressing your old flame, the widow Berinthia?COLONEL TOWNLY.Faith, Tom, I am at present most whimsically circumstanced. I came here a month ago to meet the lady you mention; but she failing in her promise, I, partly from pique and partly from idleness, have been diverting my chagrin by offering up incense to the beauties of Amanda, our friend Loveless’s wife.TOM FASHION.I never have seen her, but have heard her spoken of as a youthful wonder of beauty and prudence.COLONEL TOWNLY.She is so indeed; and, Loveless being too careless and insensible of the treasure he possesses, my lodging in the same house has given me a thousand opportunities of making my assiduities acceptable; so that, in less than a fortnight, I began to bear my disappointment from the widow with the most Christian resignation.TOM FASHION.And Berinthia has never appeared?COLONEL TOWNLY.Oh, there’s the perplexity! for, just as I began not to care whether I ever saw her again or not, last night she arrived.TOM FASHION.And instantly resumed her empire.COLONEL TOWNLY.No, faith—we met—but, the lady not condescending to give me any serious reasons for having fooled me for a month, I left her in a huff.TOM FASHION.Well, well, I’ll answer for it she’ll soon resume her power, especially as friendship will prevent your pursuing the other too far. But my coxcomb of a brother is an admirer of Amanda’s too, is he?COLONEL TOWNLY.Yes, and I believe is most heartily despised by her. But come with me, and you shall see her and your old friend Loveless.TOM FASHION.I must pay my respects to his lordship—perhaps you can direct me to his lodgings.COLONEL TOWNLY.Come with me; I shall pass by it.TOM FASHION.I wish you could pay this visit for me, or could tell me what I should say to him.COLONEL TOWNLY.Say nothing to him—apply yourself to his bag, his sword, his feather, his snuff-box; and when you are well with them, desire him to lend you a thousand pounds, and I’ll engage you prosper.TOM FASHION.’Sdeath and furies! why was that coxcomb thrust into the world before me? O Fortune, Fortune, thou art a jilt, by Gad! [Exeunt.SCENE II.—LORD FOPPINGTON’SDressing-room.EnterLORD FOPPINGTONin his dressing-gown, andLA VAROLE.LORD FOPPINGTON.[Aside.] Well, ’tis an unspeakable pleasure to be a man of quality—strike me dumb! Even the boors of this northern spa have learned the respect due to a title.—[Aloud.] La Varole!LA VAROLE.Milor—LORD FOPPINGTON.You ha’n’t yet been at Muddymoat Hall, to announce my arrival, have you?LA VAROLE.Not yet, milor.LORD FOPPINGTON.Then you need not go till Saturday [ExitLA VAROLE] as I am in no particular haste to view my intended sposa. I shall sacrifice a day or two more to the pursuit of my friend Loveless’s wife. Amanda is a charming creature—strike me ugly! and, if I have any discernment in the world, she thinks no less of my Lord Foppington.Re-enterLA VAROLE.LA VAROLE.Milor, de shoemaker, de tailor, de hosier, de sempstress, de peru, be all ready, if your lordship please to dress.LORD FOPPINGTON.’Tis well, admit them.LA VAROLE.Hey, messieurs, entrez!EnterTAILOR, SHOEMAKER, SEMPSTRESS, JEWELLER,andMENDLEGS.LORD FOPPINGTON.So, gentlemen, I hope you have all taken pains to show yourselves masters in your professions?TAILOR.I think I may presume, sir—LA VAROLE.Milor, you clown, you!TAILOR.My lord—I ask your lordship’s—pardon, my lord. I hope, my lord, your lordship will be pleased to own I have brought your lordship as accomplished a suit of clothes as ever peer of England wore, my lord—will your lordship please to view ’em now?LORD FOPPINGTON.Ay; but let my people dispose the glasses so that I may see myself before and behind; for I love to see myself all round. [Puts on his clothes.]EnterTOM FASHIONandLORY.They remain behind, conversing apart.TOM FASHION.Heyday! what the devil have we here? Sure my gentleman’s grown a favourite at court, he has got so many people at his levee.LORY.Sir, these people come in order to make him a favourite at court—they are to establish him with the ladies.TOM FASHION.Good Heaven! to what an ebb of taste are women fallen, that it should be in the power of a laced coat to recommend a gallant to them?LORY.Sir, tailors and hair-dressers debauch all the women.TOM FASHION.Thou sayest true. But now for my reception.LORD FOPPINGTON.[ToTAILOR.] Death and eternal tortures! Sir—I say the coat is too wide here by a foot.TAILOR.My lord, if it had been tighter, ’twould neither have hooked nor buttoned.LORD FOPPINGTON.Rat the hooks and buttons, sir! Can anything be worse than this? As Gad shall jedge me, it hangs on my shoulders like a chairman’s surtout.TAILOR.’Tis not for me to dispute your lordship’s fancy.LORY.There, sir, observe what respect does.TOM FASHION.Respect! damn him for a coxcomb!—But let’s accost him.—[Coming forward.] Brother, I’m your humble servant.LORD FOPPINGTON.O Lard, Tam! I did not expect you in England. Brother, I’m glad to see you. But what has brought you to Scarborough, Tam!—[To theTAILOR.] Look you, sir, I shall never be reconciled to this nauseous wrapping-gown, therefore pray get me another suit with all possible expedition; for this is my eternal aversion.—[ExitTAILOR.] Well but, Tam, you don’t tell me what has driven you to Scarborough.—Mrs. Calico, are not you of my mind?Semp.Directly, my lord.—I hope your lordship is pleased with your ruffles?LORD FOPPINGTON.In love with them, stap my vitals!—Bring my bill, you shall be paid tomorrow.Semp.I humbly thank your worship. [Exit.]LORD FOPPINGTON.Hark thee, shoemaker, these shoes aren’t ugly, but they don’t fit me.SHOEMAKER.My lord, I think they fit you very well.LORD FOPPINGTON.They hurt me just below the instep.SHOEMAKER.[Feels his foot.] No, my lord, they don’t hurt you there.LORD FOPPINGTON.I tell thee they pinch me execrably.SHOEMAKER.Why then, my lord, if those shoes pinch you, I’ll be damned.LORD FOPPINGTON.Why, will thou undertake to persuade me I cannot feel?SHOEMAKER.Your lordship may please to feel what you think fit, but that shoe does not hurt you—I think I understand my trade.LORD FOPPINGTON.Now, by all that’s good and powerful, thou art an incomprehensive coxcomb!—but thou makest good shoes, and so I’ll bear with thee.SHOEMAKER.My lord, I have worked for half the people of quality in this town these twenty years, and ’tis very hard I shouldn’t know when a shoe hurts, and when it don’t.LORD FOPPINGTON.Well, pr’ythee be gone about thy business.—[ExitSHOEMAKER.] Mr. Mendlegs, a word with you.—The calves of these stockings are thickened a little too much; they make my legs look like a porter’s.MENDLEGS.My lord, methinks they look mighty well.LORD FOPPINGTON.Ay, but you are not so good a judge of those things as I am—I have studied them all my life—therefore pray let the next be the thickness of a crown-piece less.MENDLEGS.Indeed, my lord, they are the same kind I had the honour to furnish your lordship with in town.LORD FOPPINGTON.Very possibly, Mr. Mendlegs; but that was in the beginning of the winter, and you should always remember, Mr. Hosier, that if you make a nobleman’s spring legs as robust as his autumnal calves, you commit a monstrous impropriety, and make no allowance for the fatigues of the winter. [Exit—MENDLEGS.]JEWELLER.I hope, my lord, these buckles have had the unspeakable satisfaction of being honoured with your lordship’s approbation?LORD FOPPINGTON.Why, they are of a pretty fancy; but don’t you think them rather of the smallest?JEWELLER.My lord, they could not well be larger, to keep on your lordship’s shoe.LORD FOPPINGTON.My good sir, you forget that these matters are not as they used to be; formerly, indeed, the buckle was a sort of machine, intended to keep on the shoe; but the case is now quite reversed, and the shoe is of no earthly use, but to keep on the buckle.—Now give me my watches [SERVANTfetches the watches,] my chapeau, [SERVANTbrings a dress hat,] my handkerchief, [SERVANTpours some scented liquor on a handkerchief and brings it,] my snuff-box [SERVANTbrings snuff-box.] There, now the business of the morning is pretty well over. [ExitJEWELLER.]TOM FASHION.[Aside toLORY.] Well, Lory, what dost think on’t?—a very friendly reception from a brother, after three years’ absence!LORY.[Aside toTOM FASHION.] Why, sir, ’tis your own fault—here you have stood ever since you came in, and have not commended any one thing that belongs to him. [SERVANTSall go off.]TOM FASHION.[Aside toLORY.] Nor ever shall, while they belong to a coxcomb.—[ToLORD FOPPINGTON.] Now your people of business are gone, brother, I hope I may obtain a quarter of an hour’s audience of you?LORD FOPPINGTON.Faith, Tam, I must beg you’ll excuse me at this time, for I have an engagement which I would not break for the salvation of mankind.—Hey!—there!—is my carriage at the door? You’ll excuse me, brother. [Going.]TOM FASHION.Shall you be back to dinner?LORD FOPPINGTON.As Gad shall jedge me, I can’t tell; for it is passible I may dine with some friends at Donner’s.TOM FASHION.Shall I meet you there? For I must needs talk with you.LORD FOPPINGTON.That I’m afraid mayn’t be quite so praper; for those I commonly eat with are people of nice conversation; and you know, Tam, your education has been a little at large.—But there are other ordinaries in town—very good beef ordinaries—I suppose, Tam, you can eat beef?—However, dear Tam, I’m glad to see thee in England, stap my vitals! [Exit, LA VAROLEfollowing.]TOM FASHION.Hell and furies! is this to be borne?LORY.Faith, sir, I could almost have given him a knock o’ the pate myself.TOM FASHION.’Tis enough; I will now show you the excess of my passion, by being very calm.—Come, Lory, lay your loggerhead to mine, and, in cold blood, let us contrive his destruction.LORY.Here comes a head, sir, would contrive it better than both our loggerheads, if she would but join in the confederacy.TOM FASHION.By this light, Madam Coupler! she seems dissatisfied at something: let us observe her.EnterMRS. COUPLER.MRS. COUPLER.So! I am likely to be well rewarded for my services, truly; my suspicions, I find, were but too just. What! refuse to advance me a petty sum, when I am upon the point of making him master of a galleon! but let him look to the consequences; an ungrateful, narrow-minded coxcomb.TOM FASHION.So he is, upon my soul, old lady; it must be my brother you speak of.MRS. COUPLER.Ha! stripling, how came you here? What, hast spent all, eh? And art thou come to dun his lordship for assistance?TOM FASHION.No, I want somebody’s assistance to cut his lordship’s throat, without the risk of being hanged for him.MRS. COUPLER.Egad, sirrah, I could help thee to do him almost as good a turn, without the danger of being burned in the hand for’t.TOM FASHION.How—how, old mischief?MRS. COUPLER.Why, you must know I have done you the kindness to make up a match for your brother.TOM FASHION.I am very much beholden to you, truly!MRS. COUPLER.You may be before the wedding-day, yet: the lady is a great heiress, the match is concluded, the writings are drawn, and his lordship is come hither to put the finishing hand to the business.TOM FASHION.I understand as much.MRS. COUPLER.Now, you must know, stripling, your brother’s a knave.TOM FASHION.Good.MRS. COUPLER.He has given me a bond of a thousand pounds for helping him to this fortune, and has promised me as much more, in ready money, upon the day of the marriage; which, I understand by a friend, he never designs to pay me; and his just now refusing to pay me a part is a proof of it. If, therefore, you will be a generous young rogue, and secure me five thousand pounds, I’ll help you to the lady.TOM FASHION.And how the devil wilt thou do that?MRS. COUPLER.Without the devil’s aid, I warrant thee. Thy brother’s face not one of the family ever saw; the whole business has been managed by me, and all his letters go through my hands. Sir Tunbelly Clumsy, my relation—for that’s the old gentleman’s name—is apprised of his lordship’s being down here, and expects him tomorrow to receive his daughter’s hand; but the peer, I find, means to bait here a few days longer, to recover the fatigue of his journey, I suppose. Now you shall go to Muddymoat Hall in his place. I’ll give you a letter of introduction: and if you don’t marry the girl before sunset, you deserve to be hanged before morning.TOM FASHION.Agreed! agreed! and for thy reward—MRS. COUPLER.Well, well;—though I warrant thou hast not a farthing of money in thy pocket now—no—one may see it in thy face.TOM FASHION.Not a sous, by Jupiter!MRS. COUPLER.Must I advance, then? Well, be at my lodgings, next door, this evening, and I’ll see what may be done—we’ll sign and seal, and when I have given thee some further instructions, thou shalt hoist sail and be gone. [Exit.]TOM FASHION.So, Lory, Fortune, thou seest, at last takes care of merit! We are in a fair way to be great people.LORY.Ay, sir, if the devil don’t step between the cup and the lip, as he used to do.TOM FASHION.Why, faith, he has played me many a damned trick to spoil my fortune; and, egad, I am almost afraid he’s at work about it again now; but if I should tell thee how, thou’dst wonder at me.LORY.Indeed, sir, I should not.TOM FASHION.How dost know?LORY.Because, sir, I have wondered at you so often, I can wonder at you no more.TOM FASHION.No! what wouldst thou say, if a qualm of conscience should spoil my design?LORY.I would eat my words, and wonder more than ever.TOM FASHION.Why faith, Lory, though I have played many a roguish trick, this is so full-grown a cheat, I find I must take pains to come up to’t—I have scruples.LORY.They are strong symptoms of death. If you find they increase, sir, pray make your will.TOM FASHION.No, my conscience shan’t starve me neither: but thus far I’ll listen to it. Before I execute this project, I’ll try my brother to the bottom. If he has yet so much humanity about him as to assist me—though with a moderate aid—I’ll drop my project at his feet, and show him how I can do for him much more than what I’d ask he’d do for me. This one conclusive trial of him I resolve to make.Succeed or fail, still victory is my lot;If I subdue his heart, ’tis well—if not,I will subdue my conscience to my plot.[Exeunt.]
Enter TOM FASHION and LORY, POSTILION following with a portmanteau.
TOM FASHION.Lory, pay the postboy, and take the portmanteau.
LORY.[Aside to TOM FASHION.] Faith, sir, we had better let the postboy take the portmanteau and pay himself.
TOM FASHION.[Aside to LORY.] Why, sure, there’s something left in it!
LORY.Not a rag, upon my honour, sir! We ate the last of your wardrobe at New Malton—and, if we had had twenty miles further to go, our next meal must have been of the cloak-bag.
TOM FASHION.Why, ’sdeath, it appears full!
LORY.Yes, sir—I made bold to stuff it with hay, to save appearances, and look like baggage.
TOM FASHION.[Aside.] What the devil shall I do?—[Aloud.] Hark’ee, boy, what’s the chaise?
POSTILION.Thirteen shillings, please your honour.
TOM FASHION.Can you give me change for a guinea?
POSTILION.Oh, yes, sir.
LORY.[Aside.] So, what will he do now?—[Aloud.] Lord, sir, you had better let the boy be paid below.
TOM FASHION.Why, as you say, Lory, I believe it will be as well.
LORY.Yes, yes, I’ll tell them to discharge you below, honest friend.
POSTILION.Please your honour, there are the turnpikes too.
TOM FASHION.Ay, ay, the turnpikes by all means.
POSTILION.And I hope your honour will order me something for myself.
TOM FASHION.To be sure; bid them give you a crown.
LORY.Yes, yes—my master doesn’t care what you charge them—so get along, you—
POSTILION.And there’s the ostler, your honour.
LORY.Psha! damn the ostler!—would you impose upon the gentleman’s generosity?—[Pushes him out.] A rascal, to be so cursed ready with his change!
TOM FASHION.Why, faith, Lory, he had nearly posed me.
LORY.Well, sir, we are arrived at Scarborough, not worth a guinea! I hope you’ll own yourself a happy man—you have outlived all your cares.
TOM FASHION.How so, sir?
LORY.Why, you have nothing left to take care of.
TOM FASHION.Yes, sirrah, I have myself and you to take care of still.
LORY.Sir, if you could prevail with somebody else to do that for you, I fancy we might both fare the better for it. But now, sir, for my Lord Foppington, your elder brother.
TOM FASHION.Damn my eldest brother.
LORY.With all my heart; but get him to redeem your annuity, however. Look you, sir; you must wheedle him, or you must starve.
TOM FASHION.Look you, sir; I would neither wheedle him, nor starve.
LORY.Why, what will you do, then?
TOM FASHION.Cut his throat, or get someone to do it for me.
LORY.Gad so, sir, I’m glad to find I was not so well acquainted with the strength of your conscience as with the weakness of your purse.
TOM FASHION.Why, art thou so impenetrable a blockhead as to believe he’ll help me with a farthing?
LORY.Not if you treat himde haut en bas, as you used to do.
TOM FASHION.Why, how wouldst have me treat him?
LORY.Like a trout—tickle him.
TOM FASHION.I can’t flatter.
LORY.Can you starve?
TOM FASHION.Yes.
LORY.I can’t. Good by t’ye, sir.
TOM FASHION.Stay—thou’lt distract me. But who comes here? My old friend, Colonel Townly.
EnterCOLONEL TOWNLY.
My dear Colonel, I am rejoiced to meet you here.
COLONEL TOWNLY.Dear Tom, this is an unexpected pleasure! What, are you come to Scarborough to be present at your brother’s wedding?
LORY.Ah, sir, if it had been his funeral, we should have come with pleasure.
COLONEL TOWNLY.What, honest Lory, are you with your master still?
LORY.Yes, sir; I have been starving with him ever since I saw your honour last.
TOM FASHION.Why, Lory is an attached rogue; there’s no getting rid of him.
LORY.True, sir, as my master says, there’s no seducing me from his service.—[Aside.] Till he’s able to pay me my wages.
TOM FASHION.Go, go, sir, and take care of the baggage.
LORY.Yes, sir, the baggage!—O Lord! [Takes up the portmanteau.] I suppose, sir, I must charge the landlord to be very particular where he stows this?
TOM FASHION.Get along, you rascal.—[ExitLORYwith the portmanteau.] But, Colonel, are you acquainted with my proposed sister-in-law?
COLONEL TOWNLY.Only by character. Her father, Sir Tunbelly Clumsy, lives within a quarter of a mile of this place, in a lonely old house, which nobody comes near. She never goes abroad, nor sees company at home; to prevent all misfortunes, she has her breeding within doors; the parson of the parish teaches her to play upon the dulcimer, the clerk to sing, her nurse to dress, and her father to dance;—in short, nobody has free admission there but our old acquaintance, Mother Coupler, who has procured your brother this match, and is, I believe, a distant relation of Sir Tunbelly’s.
TOM FASHION.But is her fortune so considerable?
COLONEL TOWNLY.Three thousand a year, and a good sum of money, independent of her father, beside.
TOM FASHION.’Sdeath! that my old acquaintance, Dame Coupler, could not have thought of me, as well as my brother, for such a prize.
COLONEL TOWNLY.Egad, I wouldn’t swear that you are too late. His lordship, I know, hasn’t yet seen the lady—and, I believe, has quarrelled with his patroness.
TOM FASHION.My dear Colonel, what an idea have you started!
COLONEL TOWNLY.Pursue it, if you can, and I promise you shall have my assistance; for, besides my natural contempt for his lordship, I have at present the enmity of a rival towards him.
TOM FASHION.What, has he been addressing your old flame, the widow Berinthia?
COLONEL TOWNLY.Faith, Tom, I am at present most whimsically circumstanced. I came here a month ago to meet the lady you mention; but she failing in her promise, I, partly from pique and partly from idleness, have been diverting my chagrin by offering up incense to the beauties of Amanda, our friend Loveless’s wife.
TOM FASHION.I never have seen her, but have heard her spoken of as a youthful wonder of beauty and prudence.
COLONEL TOWNLY.She is so indeed; and, Loveless being too careless and insensible of the treasure he possesses, my lodging in the same house has given me a thousand opportunities of making my assiduities acceptable; so that, in less than a fortnight, I began to bear my disappointment from the widow with the most Christian resignation.
TOM FASHION.And Berinthia has never appeared?
COLONEL TOWNLY.Oh, there’s the perplexity! for, just as I began not to care whether I ever saw her again or not, last night she arrived.
TOM FASHION.And instantly resumed her empire.
COLONEL TOWNLY.No, faith—we met—but, the lady not condescending to give me any serious reasons for having fooled me for a month, I left her in a huff.
TOM FASHION.Well, well, I’ll answer for it she’ll soon resume her power, especially as friendship will prevent your pursuing the other too far. But my coxcomb of a brother is an admirer of Amanda’s too, is he?
COLONEL TOWNLY.Yes, and I believe is most heartily despised by her. But come with me, and you shall see her and your old friend Loveless.
TOM FASHION.I must pay my respects to his lordship—perhaps you can direct me to his lodgings.
COLONEL TOWNLY.Come with me; I shall pass by it.
TOM FASHION.I wish you could pay this visit for me, or could tell me what I should say to him.
COLONEL TOWNLY.Say nothing to him—apply yourself to his bag, his sword, his feather, his snuff-box; and when you are well with them, desire him to lend you a thousand pounds, and I’ll engage you prosper.
TOM FASHION.’Sdeath and furies! why was that coxcomb thrust into the world before me? O Fortune, Fortune, thou art a jilt, by Gad! [Exeunt.
EnterLORD FOPPINGTONin his dressing-gown, andLA VAROLE.
LORD FOPPINGTON.[Aside.] Well, ’tis an unspeakable pleasure to be a man of quality—strike me dumb! Even the boors of this northern spa have learned the respect due to a title.—[Aloud.] La Varole!
LA VAROLE.Milor—
LORD FOPPINGTON.You ha’n’t yet been at Muddymoat Hall, to announce my arrival, have you?
LA VAROLE.Not yet, milor.
LORD FOPPINGTON.Then you need not go till Saturday [ExitLA VAROLE] as I am in no particular haste to view my intended sposa. I shall sacrifice a day or two more to the pursuit of my friend Loveless’s wife. Amanda is a charming creature—strike me ugly! and, if I have any discernment in the world, she thinks no less of my Lord Foppington.
Re-enterLA VAROLE.
LA VAROLE.Milor, de shoemaker, de tailor, de hosier, de sempstress, de peru, be all ready, if your lordship please to dress.
LORD FOPPINGTON.’Tis well, admit them.
LA VAROLE.Hey, messieurs, entrez!
EnterTAILOR, SHOEMAKER, SEMPSTRESS, JEWELLER,andMENDLEGS.
LORD FOPPINGTON.So, gentlemen, I hope you have all taken pains to show yourselves masters in your professions?
TAILOR.I think I may presume, sir—
LA VAROLE.Milor, you clown, you!
TAILOR.My lord—I ask your lordship’s—pardon, my lord. I hope, my lord, your lordship will be pleased to own I have brought your lordship as accomplished a suit of clothes as ever peer of England wore, my lord—will your lordship please to view ’em now?
LORD FOPPINGTON.Ay; but let my people dispose the glasses so that I may see myself before and behind; for I love to see myself all round. [Puts on his clothes.]
EnterTOM FASHIONandLORY.They remain behind, conversing apart.
TOM FASHION.Heyday! what the devil have we here? Sure my gentleman’s grown a favourite at court, he has got so many people at his levee.
LORY.Sir, these people come in order to make him a favourite at court—they are to establish him with the ladies.
TOM FASHION.Good Heaven! to what an ebb of taste are women fallen, that it should be in the power of a laced coat to recommend a gallant to them?
LORY.Sir, tailors and hair-dressers debauch all the women.
TOM FASHION.Thou sayest true. But now for my reception.
LORD FOPPINGTON.[ToTAILOR.] Death and eternal tortures! Sir—I say the coat is too wide here by a foot.
TAILOR.My lord, if it had been tighter, ’twould neither have hooked nor buttoned.
LORD FOPPINGTON.Rat the hooks and buttons, sir! Can anything be worse than this? As Gad shall jedge me, it hangs on my shoulders like a chairman’s surtout.
TAILOR.’Tis not for me to dispute your lordship’s fancy.
LORY.There, sir, observe what respect does.
TOM FASHION.Respect! damn him for a coxcomb!—But let’s accost him.—[Coming forward.] Brother, I’m your humble servant.
LORD FOPPINGTON.O Lard, Tam! I did not expect you in England. Brother, I’m glad to see you. But what has brought you to Scarborough, Tam!—[To theTAILOR.] Look you, sir, I shall never be reconciled to this nauseous wrapping-gown, therefore pray get me another suit with all possible expedition; for this is my eternal aversion.—[ExitTAILOR.] Well but, Tam, you don’t tell me what has driven you to Scarborough.—Mrs. Calico, are not you of my mind?
Semp.Directly, my lord.—I hope your lordship is pleased with your ruffles?
LORD FOPPINGTON.In love with them, stap my vitals!—Bring my bill, you shall be paid tomorrow.
Semp.I humbly thank your worship. [Exit.]
LORD FOPPINGTON.Hark thee, shoemaker, these shoes aren’t ugly, but they don’t fit me.
SHOEMAKER.My lord, I think they fit you very well.
LORD FOPPINGTON.They hurt me just below the instep.
SHOEMAKER.[Feels his foot.] No, my lord, they don’t hurt you there.
LORD FOPPINGTON.I tell thee they pinch me execrably.
SHOEMAKER.Why then, my lord, if those shoes pinch you, I’ll be damned.
LORD FOPPINGTON.Why, will thou undertake to persuade me I cannot feel?
SHOEMAKER.Your lordship may please to feel what you think fit, but that shoe does not hurt you—I think I understand my trade.
LORD FOPPINGTON.Now, by all that’s good and powerful, thou art an incomprehensive coxcomb!—but thou makest good shoes, and so I’ll bear with thee.
SHOEMAKER.My lord, I have worked for half the people of quality in this town these twenty years, and ’tis very hard I shouldn’t know when a shoe hurts, and when it don’t.
LORD FOPPINGTON.Well, pr’ythee be gone about thy business.—[ExitSHOEMAKER.] Mr. Mendlegs, a word with you.—The calves of these stockings are thickened a little too much; they make my legs look like a porter’s.
MENDLEGS.My lord, methinks they look mighty well.
LORD FOPPINGTON.Ay, but you are not so good a judge of those things as I am—I have studied them all my life—therefore pray let the next be the thickness of a crown-piece less.
MENDLEGS.Indeed, my lord, they are the same kind I had the honour to furnish your lordship with in town.
LORD FOPPINGTON.Very possibly, Mr. Mendlegs; but that was in the beginning of the winter, and you should always remember, Mr. Hosier, that if you make a nobleman’s spring legs as robust as his autumnal calves, you commit a monstrous impropriety, and make no allowance for the fatigues of the winter. [Exit—MENDLEGS.]
JEWELLER.I hope, my lord, these buckles have had the unspeakable satisfaction of being honoured with your lordship’s approbation?
LORD FOPPINGTON.Why, they are of a pretty fancy; but don’t you think them rather of the smallest?
JEWELLER.My lord, they could not well be larger, to keep on your lordship’s shoe.
LORD FOPPINGTON.My good sir, you forget that these matters are not as they used to be; formerly, indeed, the buckle was a sort of machine, intended to keep on the shoe; but the case is now quite reversed, and the shoe is of no earthly use, but to keep on the buckle.—Now give me my watches [SERVANTfetches the watches,] my chapeau, [SERVANTbrings a dress hat,] my handkerchief, [SERVANTpours some scented liquor on a handkerchief and brings it,] my snuff-box [SERVANTbrings snuff-box.] There, now the business of the morning is pretty well over. [ExitJEWELLER.]
TOM FASHION.[Aside toLORY.] Well, Lory, what dost think on’t?—a very friendly reception from a brother, after three years’ absence!
LORY.[Aside toTOM FASHION.] Why, sir, ’tis your own fault—here you have stood ever since you came in, and have not commended any one thing that belongs to him. [SERVANTSall go off.]
TOM FASHION.[Aside toLORY.] Nor ever shall, while they belong to a coxcomb.—[ToLORD FOPPINGTON.] Now your people of business are gone, brother, I hope I may obtain a quarter of an hour’s audience of you?
LORD FOPPINGTON.Faith, Tam, I must beg you’ll excuse me at this time, for I have an engagement which I would not break for the salvation of mankind.—Hey!—there!—is my carriage at the door? You’ll excuse me, brother. [Going.]
TOM FASHION.Shall you be back to dinner?
LORD FOPPINGTON.As Gad shall jedge me, I can’t tell; for it is passible I may dine with some friends at Donner’s.
TOM FASHION.Shall I meet you there? For I must needs talk with you.
LORD FOPPINGTON.That I’m afraid mayn’t be quite so praper; for those I commonly eat with are people of nice conversation; and you know, Tam, your education has been a little at large.—But there are other ordinaries in town—very good beef ordinaries—I suppose, Tam, you can eat beef?—However, dear Tam, I’m glad to see thee in England, stap my vitals! [Exit, LA VAROLEfollowing.]
TOM FASHION.Hell and furies! is this to be borne?
LORY.Faith, sir, I could almost have given him a knock o’ the pate myself.
TOM FASHION.’Tis enough; I will now show you the excess of my passion, by being very calm.—Come, Lory, lay your loggerhead to mine, and, in cold blood, let us contrive his destruction.
LORY.Here comes a head, sir, would contrive it better than both our loggerheads, if she would but join in the confederacy.
TOM FASHION.By this light, Madam Coupler! she seems dissatisfied at something: let us observe her.
EnterMRS. COUPLER.
MRS. COUPLER.So! I am likely to be well rewarded for my services, truly; my suspicions, I find, were but too just. What! refuse to advance me a petty sum, when I am upon the point of making him master of a galleon! but let him look to the consequences; an ungrateful, narrow-minded coxcomb.
TOM FASHION.So he is, upon my soul, old lady; it must be my brother you speak of.
MRS. COUPLER.Ha! stripling, how came you here? What, hast spent all, eh? And art thou come to dun his lordship for assistance?
TOM FASHION.No, I want somebody’s assistance to cut his lordship’s throat, without the risk of being hanged for him.
MRS. COUPLER.Egad, sirrah, I could help thee to do him almost as good a turn, without the danger of being burned in the hand for’t.
TOM FASHION.How—how, old mischief?
MRS. COUPLER.Why, you must know I have done you the kindness to make up a match for your brother.
TOM FASHION.I am very much beholden to you, truly!
MRS. COUPLER.You may be before the wedding-day, yet: the lady is a great heiress, the match is concluded, the writings are drawn, and his lordship is come hither to put the finishing hand to the business.
TOM FASHION.I understand as much.
MRS. COUPLER.Now, you must know, stripling, your brother’s a knave.
TOM FASHION.Good.
MRS. COUPLER.He has given me a bond of a thousand pounds for helping him to this fortune, and has promised me as much more, in ready money, upon the day of the marriage; which, I understand by a friend, he never designs to pay me; and his just now refusing to pay me a part is a proof of it. If, therefore, you will be a generous young rogue, and secure me five thousand pounds, I’ll help you to the lady.
TOM FASHION.And how the devil wilt thou do that?
MRS. COUPLER.Without the devil’s aid, I warrant thee. Thy brother’s face not one of the family ever saw; the whole business has been managed by me, and all his letters go through my hands. Sir Tunbelly Clumsy, my relation—for that’s the old gentleman’s name—is apprised of his lordship’s being down here, and expects him tomorrow to receive his daughter’s hand; but the peer, I find, means to bait here a few days longer, to recover the fatigue of his journey, I suppose. Now you shall go to Muddymoat Hall in his place. I’ll give you a letter of introduction: and if you don’t marry the girl before sunset, you deserve to be hanged before morning.
TOM FASHION.Agreed! agreed! and for thy reward—
MRS. COUPLER.Well, well;—though I warrant thou hast not a farthing of money in thy pocket now—no—one may see it in thy face.
TOM FASHION.Not a sous, by Jupiter!
MRS. COUPLER.Must I advance, then? Well, be at my lodgings, next door, this evening, and I’ll see what may be done—we’ll sign and seal, and when I have given thee some further instructions, thou shalt hoist sail and be gone. [Exit.]
TOM FASHION.So, Lory, Fortune, thou seest, at last takes care of merit! We are in a fair way to be great people.
LORY.Ay, sir, if the devil don’t step between the cup and the lip, as he used to do.
TOM FASHION.Why, faith, he has played me many a damned trick to spoil my fortune; and, egad, I am almost afraid he’s at work about it again now; but if I should tell thee how, thou’dst wonder at me.
LORY.Indeed, sir, I should not.
TOM FASHION.How dost know?
LORY.Because, sir, I have wondered at you so often, I can wonder at you no more.
TOM FASHION.No! what wouldst thou say, if a qualm of conscience should spoil my design?
LORY.I would eat my words, and wonder more than ever.
TOM FASHION.Why faith, Lory, though I have played many a roguish trick, this is so full-grown a cheat, I find I must take pains to come up to’t—I have scruples.
LORY.They are strong symptoms of death. If you find they increase, sir, pray make your will.
TOM FASHION.No, my conscience shan’t starve me neither: but thus far I’ll listen to it. Before I execute this project, I’ll try my brother to the bottom. If he has yet so much humanity about him as to assist me—though with a moderate aid—I’ll drop my project at his feet, and show him how I can do for him much more than what I’d ask he’d do for me. This one conclusive trial of him I resolve to make.
Succeed or fail, still victory is my lot;If I subdue his heart, ’tis well—if not,I will subdue my conscience to my plot.
[Exeunt.]