October 9th. It’s horribly difficult in German this year. In composition we are not allowed to make any rough notes, we have to write it straight off and thenhand it in. I simply can’t. Professor Fritsch is very handsome, but the girls are terribly afraid of him for he is so strict. His wife is in an asylum and his children live with his mother. He has got a divorce from his wife, and since he has the luck to be a Protestant he can marry again if he wants to. Hella is perfectly fascinated by him, but I’m not in the least. For I always think of Prof. W. in the Second, and that’s enough for me. I’m not going to fall in love with any more professors. In the Training College, where Marina is now, in her fourth year one of the professors last year married a former pupil. I would not do that at any price, marry a former professor, who knows all one’s faults. Besides, he must be at least 12 or 20 years older than the girl; and that’s perfectly horrible, one might as well marry one’s father; he would be at least fond of her, and she would at least know the way he likes to have everything done; but to marry one’s former professor, what an extraordinary thing to do!
October 15th. I’m frightfully anxious that Hella may have a relapse; she says that nothing would induce her to have a second operation, especially now that — — —; she says she would rather die. That would be awful! I did my best to persuade her to tell her mother that she has such pain; but she won’t.
October 19th. In November, Hella’s father will be made a general and will be stationed in Cracow. Thank goodness she is going to stay here with her grandmother until she leaves the Lyz. She will only go to Cracow at Christmas and Easter and in the summer holidays. She is frantically delighted. The good news has made her quite well again. Everyone at school is very proud that there will be a general’s daughter in our class. It’s true that there is a field-marshal’s daughter in the Third, but he is retired. Father always says: Nobody makes any fuss over a retired officer.
October 22nd. We are so much excited that we’ve hardly any time to learn our lessons. At Christmas last year some one gave Hella’s mother several of Geierstamm’s novels. The other day one of them was lying on the table, and when her mother was out Hella had a hurried look at it and read the titleThe Power of Woman!!!When her mother had finished it, she watched to see where it was put in the bookcase, and now we are reading it. It’s simply wonderful! It keeps me awake all night; Signe whom he is so passionately fond of and who deceives him. We cried so much that we could not go on reading. And Gretchen, the girl, to whom her father is everything; I can understand so well that she is always anxious lest her father should marry that horrid Frau Elise, although she has a husband already. And when she dies, oh, it’s so horrible and so beautiful that we read it over three times in succession. The other day my eyes were quite red from crying, and Aunt said I must be working too hard; for she thinks that Hella and I are studying literature together. Oh dear, lessons are an awful nuisance when one hassuchbooks to read.
October 24th. When I look at Father I always think of the novelThe Power of Woman; of course leaving Signe out of account. Hella hopes she’ll be able to get hold of some other book, but it’s not so easy to do without her mother finding it out, for she often lends books to her friends. Then there would be an awful row. We certainly don’t want to readThe Little Brother’s Book, the title does not attract us; but there’s a novel calledThe Comedy of Marriage, it must be splendid; wemustget that whatever happens.
October 26th. The Bruckners are going to keep on their flat, and Hella’s grandmother will come and live there; only the HerrGeneral!!!is going to C., and of course Hella’s mother too. Lizzi will stay, for she is taking cooking lessons, since she is to bemarriedin Mid-Lent.
October 31st. Hella’s parents left to-day, she cried frightfully, for she did so want to go with them. Lizzi was quite unconcerned, for she is engaged already, and the Baron, her fiance, is coming at Christmas, either to Vienna or Cracow; he does not care which.
November 4th. Some of the girls in our class were furious in the German lesson to-day. One or two of the girls did not know the proper places for commas, and Prof. Fritsch hinted that we had learned nothing at all in previous years. We understood perfectly well that he was aiming at Frau Doktor M., whose German lessons were 10 times or rather 100 times better than Professor F.‘s. And on this very matter of punctuation Frau Doktor M. took a tremendous lot of trouble and gave us lots of examples. Besides, whether one has a good style or not does not depend upon whether one puts acommain the right place. The two Ehrenfelds, who towards the end were awfully fond of Frau Doktor M., say that we, who were Frau Doktor M.‘s favourites, ought to write a composition without a single comma, just to show him. That’s a splendid idea, and Hella and I will do it like a shot if only the others can be trusted to do it too.
November 6th. This year all the classesmusthave at least two outings every month, even in winter. If that had been decided in the last school year, when Frau Doktor M. was still there, I should certainly have gone every time. But this year, when she has left, we can’t enjoy it. Frau Doktor St. is awfully nice, but not like Frau Doktor M. Besides, we go somewhere with Father every Sunday, Hella comes with us, and Lizzi if she likes. As soon as the snow comes we are going to have tobogganing parties at Hainfeld or Lilienfeld.
December 3rd. Nearly a whole month has passed without my writing, but I must write to-day! There’s been such a row in the German lesson!! We got back the compositions in which Hella and I, the 2 Ehrenfelds, Brauner, Edith Bergler, and Kuhnelt, had not put a single comma. Nothing would have been found out had not that idiot Brauner put in commas first and then scratched them out. We had agreed that if the Prof. noticed anything we would say we had meant to go through them together before the lesson, and to decide where to put in commas, but that we had had no time. Now the silly fool has given away the whole show. He is going to bring the matter before the staff meeting. But after all, it’s simplyimpossibleto give 6 girls out of 25 a bad conduct mark.
December 4th. The head mistress came to inspect the German lesson to-day. Afterwards she said that she expected us to make all the knowledge which Frau Doktor M. had instilled into us for 3 years, the firm foundation of our further development in the higher classes. In the English lesson she referred to the more restricted use of punctuation marks in English; and afterwards we 6sinnerswere summoned to the office. The whole school knew about the trouble and was astonished at our courage, especially the lower classes; the Fifth and the Sixth were rather annoyed that we in the Fourth had dared to do it. The head gave us a terrible scolding, saying that it was an unexampled piece of impudence, and that we were not doing credit to Frau Doktor M. Then Hella said very modestly: “Frau Direktorin, will you please allow me to say a word in our defence?” Then she explained that Prof. Fritsch never missed a chance of casting a slur upon Frau Doktor M., not in plain words of course, but so that we could not fail to understand it, and that was why we acted as we did. The head answered we must certainly be mistaken, that no member of the staff could ever speak against another in such a way we had simply misunderstood Prof Fritsch! But we know perfectly well how often the Nutling used to say in the Maths lesson: “Don’t you knowthat? Surely youmusthave been taught that.” The emphasis does it!!!!! The staff meeting is to-morrow, and we were told to do our best to make amends before the meeting. The 2 Ehrenfelds suggested that we should write the compositions over again, of course with all the commas, and should place them on his desk to-morrow morning before the German lesson; but all the rest of us were against this, for we saw plainly that the head had changed colour when Hella said what she did. We shall make the corrections and then we shall all begin new copybooks.
December 8th. It is 3 days now since the staff meeting, but not a word has been said yet about our affair, and in the German lesson yesterday the Prof. gave out the subject for the third piece of home work without saying anything in particular. I think he is afraid to. Hella has saved us all, for everyone else would have been afraid to say what she did, even I. Hella said: “My dear Rita, I’m not an officer’s daughter for nothing;” ifIhave not courage, who should have? The girls stare at us in the interval and whenever they meet us, though in the office the head said to us: “I do hope that this business will not be spread all over the school.” But Brauner has a sister in the Second and Edith Bergler’s sister is in the Fifth and through them all the classes have heard about it. I suppose nothing is going to be said to our parents or something would have happened already. Besides, to be on the safe side, I have already dropped a few hints at home. And since Dora, thank goodness, is no longer at the school, it is impossible that there can be much fuss. It was only at first that we were alarmed, but Hella was quite right when she said: “I’m sure nothing will happen to us, forwe are in the right.”
December 15th. A meeting with Viktor!!! Dora and I had gone to do our Christmas shopping, and we came across him just as we had turned into Tuchlauben. Dora got fiery red, and both theirvoices trembled. He does look fine, with his black moustache and his flashing eyes! And the green facings on his tunic suit him splendidly. He cleared his throat quickly to cover his embarrassment, and walked with us as far as the Upper Market-place; he has another six-months furlough because of throat trouble; so Dora can be quite easy in her mind in case she fancied that — — — — —. When he said goodbye he kissed our hands,mine as well as Dora’s, and smiled so sweetly, sadly and sweetly at the same time. Several times I wanted to turn the conversation upon him. But when Dora does not want a thing, you can do what you like and she won’t budge; she’s as obstinate as a mule! She’s always been like that since she was quite a little girl, when she used to say: Dor not! That meant: Dora won’t; little wretch! such a wilful little beast!
December 17th. Yesterday we had our first tobogganing party on the Anninger; it was glorious, we kept on tumbling into the snow; the snow lay fairly thick, especially up there, where hardly anyone comes. As we were going home such a ridiculous thing happened to Hella; she caught her foot on a snag and tore off the whole sole of a brand new shoe. She had to tie it on with a string, and even then she limped so badly that every one believed she had sprained her ankle tobogganing. Her grandmother was frightfully angry and said: “That comes of suchunladylikeamusements!” Aunt Dora was very much upset, for she had been with us, but Father said: Hella’s grandmother is quite an old lady, and in her day people had very different views in this respect. I should say so,in this respect, Hella finds it out a dozen times a day, all the things she must not say and must not do, and all the things which are unsuitable for young girls! Her grandmother would like to keep her under a glass shade; but not a transparent one, for she must not be able to see out, andno onemust be able to seein. (The last is the main point.)
December 20th. To-day was the last German lesson before Christmas, and not a word more has been said about our affair. Hella has proved splendidly right. Even Verbenowitsch, who curries favour with every member of the staff, has congratulated her, and so has Hammer, who is a newcomer and did not know Frau Doktor M. By the way, at 1 o’clock the other day we met Franke; she goes now to a school of dramatic art, and says that the whole tone of the place is utterly different, she is so glad to have done with the High School. She had heard of the affair with Prof. F. and she congratulated us upon ourstrength of character, especially Hella of course. She says that the matter is common talk in all the High Schools of Vienna, at least she heard of it from a girl at the High School for the Daughters of Civil Servants, a girl whose sister is at the School of Dramatic Art. She is very happy there, but she is annoyed that such an institution should still be called a school; it’s not aschoolin the least; we would be astonished to see how free they all are. She is very pretty and has even more figure than she used to have. She speaks very prettily too, but rather too loudly, so that everyone turned round to look at us. She hopes that she will be able to invite us to see her debut inone year!!!I should never be able to stand on a stage before a lot of strangers, I know I would never be able to get a word out.
December 21st. Hella is awfully unlucky. The day before yesterday she got such bad influenza and sore throat that she can’t go to Cracow. She says she is born to ill luck; this is the second Christmas that has been spoiled, two years ago the appendicitis operation, and now this wretched influenza. She hopes her mother will come to Vienna, but if so her father will be left quite alone. And how on earth shall we get on, Christmas without Mother, the first Christmas without Mother. I simply don’t dare to think of it, for if I did it would make me cry. Dora says too that it can’t be a proper Christmas without Mother. I wonder what Father will say when he sees Mother’s portrait. I do hope the frame will be ready to-morrow. Hella is especially unhappy because she is not able to see Lajos. Besides, she is madly in love at the same time with a lieutenant of dragoons whom we meet every day and who is a count, and he is madly in love with her. He knows that her father is a general, for when her father went to kiss the Emperor’s hand he took Hella part of the way with him in the motor, and she was introduced to the lieutenant then. So now he salutes her when they meet. He is tremendously tall and looks fearfully aristocratic. But what annoys me with Hella is that sheinvariablydenies it when she is in love with anyone. I always tell her, or if she notices anything I don’t deny it. What’s the sense of it between friends? for example, the year before last she was certainly in love with the young doctor in the hospital. And in September when we came back from Theben with that magnificent lieutenant in the flying corps, I made no secret of the fact that I was frantically in love with him. But she did not believe me, and said: That is not real love, when people don’t see one another for months and flirt with others between whiles. That was aimed at Hero Siegfried. Goodness me, at him!! it’s really too absurd.
December 22nd. I am so delighted, Frau Doktor M., at least she is Frau Professor Theyer now, has written to me. I had sent her Christmas good wishes, and she sent a line to thank me, and at the same time she wished me a happy New Year,she took the lead in this; it was heavenly. I was frightfully annoyed because Dora said that she had done it only to save herself the trouble of writing again; I’m sure that’s not true. Dora always says things like that simply to annoy me. But her sweet, her divine letter, I carry it about with me wherever I go, andherphotograph too. She sent Hella only a card, naturally, for that was all Hella had sent her. I can quite well fancy Frau Doktor M. as a stepmother, that is, not quite well, but better than anyone else. She wrote so sweetly about Mother, saying that of course I should find this Christmas less happy than usual. She is certainly right there. We can none of us feel as if the day after to-morrow is to be Christmas Eve. The only thing that I really enjoy thinking of is the way Father will stare when he sees the portrait. But really in the first years after such a loss one ought not to keep Christmas, for on such days one feels one’s sadness more than ever.
December 23rd. I have still a frightful lot to do for Christmas, but I must write to-day. There was a ring at the front door this morning at about half past 11. I thought it must be Hella come to fetch me, that she must be all right again, so I rushed out, tore the door open, prepared to greet Hella, and then I was simply kerblunxed, for there was a gentleman standing who asked most politely: Is anyone at home? I knew him in a moment, it was that Dr. Pruckmuller from Fieberbr. Meanwhile Dora had opened the drawing-room door, and now came the great proof of deceitfulness: She wasnot in the leastsurprised, but said: “Ah, Dr. Pruckmuller, I am so glad you have kept your word.” So it was plain that he had promised her to come, and I am practically sure she knew he was comingto-day, for she was wearing her best black silk apron with the insertions, such as we only wear when visitors are expected. What a humbug she is! So I went into the drawing-room too. Then Aunt Dora came in and asked him to supper this evening. Then he went away. All the time he had not said a word to me, it seemed as if he had not even noticed that there was such a person as me in the world Not until he was actually leaving did he say: “Well; Fraulein, how are you?” “Oh well,” said I, “I’m much as anyone can expect to be so soon after Mother’s death.” Dora got as red as fire, for she understood. I shall know how to treat himifhe becomes my brother-in-law. But that may be a long way off; for he lives in Innsbruck, and Father is not likely to allow Dora to marry away to Innsbruck. At dinner I hardly said a word, I was so enraged at this deceitfulness. But there is more to come. At 7, or whatever time it was, Dr. Pruckmuller turned up. Dora appeared in a white blouse with a black bow, and had remained in her room till the last minute so that I might not know what she was wearing. For I had believed she would wear her black dress with the insertions, and so I was wearing mine. Oh well, that did not matter. At supper he talked all the time to Dora, so I purposely talked to Oswald. Then he said that on March 1st he was going to be transferred to Vienna. Once more Dora was not in the least astonished, soshe must have known all about it!But now I remember quite well that in October the postman handed me a letter for her with the Innsbruck postmark. So she wascorresponding with him openly the whole time, less than 6 months after Mother’s death. It really is too bad! But when I was chattering about the country, she kicked me under the table as a hint not to laugh so frightfully. And when my brother-in-law in spe, oh how it does make me laugh, two or three years ago, in Goisern I think it was, we used to call Dora Inspe, because she had said of Robert Warth and me: The bridal pair in spe! And now she is in the same position. When he went away in the evening I was trembling lest Father should invite him to the Christmas tree, but thank goodness when Father asked: “What are you doing with yourself to-morrow,” he answered: “To-morrow I am spending the day with my sister’s family, she is married to a captain out Wieden way.” Thank goodness that came to nothing, for we are not at all in the mood for visitors, especially the first Christmas without Mother. And if she knew — — — I wish I knew what really happens to the soul. Of course I gave up believing in Heaven long ago; but the soul must go somewhere. There are so many riddles, and they make one so unhappy; in a newspaper feuilleton the other day I saw the title of a chapter:The Riddle of Love. Butthisriddle does not make people sad, as one can see by Dora. Anyhow, all girls, that is all elder sisters, seem alike in this respect. I remember what Hella told me about Lizzi’s engagement. It is true, she had first made his acquaintance in London, not at home; but there was just the same deceitfulness. What on earth does it mean? Would it not be much more kindly and reasonable to tell your sistereverything? Otherwise how can anyone expect one to be an ally. Oh well,Idon’t care, I’m not going to let my Christmas Eve be disturbed by a thinglike that; if one can call it aChristmas Eveat all. On Boxing Day, when he is to spend the evening here, I shall tell Hella that I want to come to her and her grandmother. After all, I am glad she has stayed in Vienna.
December 25th. Christmas Eve wasverymelancholy. We all three got Mother’s picture, life size in beautiful green frames, for our rooms. Dora sobbed out loud, and so I cried too and went up to Father and put my arms around him. His eyes were quite wet; for he adored Mother. Only Oswald did not actually cry, but he kept on biting his lips. I was so glad that Dr. P. was not there, for it is horribly disagreeable to cry before strangers. Webothgot lovely white guipure blouses, not lace blouses, then Aunt gave me a splendid album for 500 postcards, and she also gave me an anthology which I had asked for. Brahms’ Hungarian Dances, because Dora would not lend me hers last year because she said they were too difficult for me; as ifthatwere any business of hers; surely my music mistress is a better judge; then some writing paper with my monogram, a new en-tout-cas with everything complete, and hair ribbons and other trifles. Father was awfully delighted with Mother’s portrait; of course we had not known that he was getting us life-size portraits of Mother, and from the last photograph of the winter before last we had quite a small likeness painted by Herr Milanowitz, who is a painter, and who knew Mother very well—in colour of course. And we got a lovely rococo frame to close up; when it is open it looks as if Mother were looking out of the window. That wasmyidea, and Herr Milanowitz thought itmost original. Dora considered it very awkward that he would not take any money for it, but it made it possible for us to get a much more elegant frame. After Christmas; for New Year, we are going to send Herr M. some of the best cigars, bought withour ownmoney, I wanted to send them for Christmas, but we don’t know anything about cigars, and we did not want to tell anyone because one can never know whether one won’t be betrayed and you will be told it is unintentional; but that is not true, for when one betrays anything one has always secretly intended to do so; and then one says it was a slip of the tongue; but one really knows all the time. I can’t write down all the extra things that Dora got, only one of them: At 7 o’clock just when Father was lighting the candles on the tree, a commissionaire brought some lovely roses with two sprays of mistletoe interwoven and beneath a nosegay of violets — — — of course from Dr. P. with a card, but she would not let anyone read that. All she said was: “Dr. P. sends everyone Christmas greetings; I believe he had really written:MerryChristmas,” but Dora did not dare to saythat. Oh, and Hella gave me a bead bag, and I gave her a purse with the double eagle on it, for she wanted a purse that would have a military look. I never knew anyone with such an enthusiasm for the army as Hella; certainly I think officers look awfully smart; but surely it’s going too far when she feels that other men practically don’t exist. The others have to learn a lot, for example doctors, lawyers, mining engineers, not to speak of students at the College of Agriculture, for perhaps these last “hardly count” (that’s the phrase Hella is always using); but all of them have to learn a great deal more than officers do; Hella never will admit that, and always begins to talk of the officers of the general staff; as if theyallbelonged to the general staff! We have often argued about it. Still, I do hope she will get an officer for her husband, of course one who is well enough off to marry, for otherwise it’s no go; for Father says the Bruckners have no private means. It’s true he always says that of us too, but I don’t believe it; we are not so to say rich, but I fancy we should both of us have enough money for an officer to be able to marry us. Anyhow, Dora voluntarily renounces that possibility,ifshe is really going to marry Dr. P.
27th. Well, I went to Hella’s yesterday and stayed till 9, and on Christmas Day she was here. I see that I wrote above that the Bs. were not well off; it seems to me to be very much the reverse. We always get a great many things and very nice ones at Christmas and on our birthdays and name days (of course Protestants don’t have these last), but we don’t give one another such splendid things as the Bs. do. Hella had been given a piece of rose-coloured silk for a dress to wear at the dancing class which must have cost at least 50 crowns, and a lace collar and cuffs, which we had seen at the shop, and it had cost 24 crowns, then she had a gold ring with an emerald, and a number of smaller things which she never even looked at. And to see all the things her sister got, things for hertrousseau!And the Bs. Christmas tree cost 12 crowns whilst ours cost only 7, though ours was just as good. So I think that the Bs. really have plenty of money, and I said to Hella: “You must be enormously rich.” And she said: “Oh well, not so rich as all that; I must not expect to marry an officer on the general staff. Lizzi has done very well for herself for Paul is a baron and is very well off. He is frantically in love with her; queer taste, isn’t it?” I quite agree, for Lizzi has not much to boast of in the way of looks, beautiful fair hair, but she is so awfully thin, not a trace of b — —, Hella has much more figure. And if one hasn’t any by the time one is 20 one is not likely to get one.
Something awfully funny happened to-day. Hella asked me: “I say, what’s the Christian name of that Dr. who is dangling after your sister?” Then it struck me for the first time that on his visiting card he only has Dr. jur. A. Pruckmuller, and then I remembered that last summer, when we first made his acquaintance, Dora said, It’s a pity he’s called August, the name does not suit him at all. Well, we laughed till we felt quite ill, for of course Hella began to sing: “O du lieber Augustin,” and then I thought of Der dumme August [clown’s nickname in circus] and we wondered what Dora would call him. Gusti or Gustel, or Augi, my darling Augi, my beloved Gusterl, oh dear, we were in fits of laughter. Then we discussed what names we should like to have for our husbands, and I said: Ewald or Leo, and Hella said: Wouldn’t you like Siegfried? But I put my hand on her mouth and said: “Shut up, or you will make me really angry,thatis and must remain forgotten.” She said what she would like best would be to have a husband called Peter or Thamian or Chrysostomus; then for a pet name she would use Dami or Sosti; and then she said quite seriously that she would only marry a man called Egon, or Alexander, or at least Georg. Just at that moment her mother came in to call us to tea, and she said: “What’s an that about Alexander and Georg? You are such dreadful girls. If you are alone together for a couple of minutes (I had come at half past 2 and the Brs. have tea at 4, and that’s what Hella’s mother calls 2 minutes), you begin to talk of unsuitable things.” Hella was afraid her mother would think God knows what, so she said: “Oh no, Mother, we were only discussing what names we should like our fiances to have.” You ought to have seen how her mother went on. “That’s just it, that when you are barely 15 (I’m not 15 yet) you should have nothing butsuchthings in your heads!”Suchthings, how absurd. At tea it was almost as dull as it was the other evening at home; for the Herr Baron was there, that is, they all say Du to one another now, for the wedding is to be in February, as soon as it is settled whether the Baron is to stay in London or to be transferred to Berlin. It must be funny to say “Du” to a strange man. Hella says she soon got used to it, and that she likes Paul well enough. When he brings Lizzi sweets, when he is taking her to the theatre, he always gives Hella a box for herself.Otherpeople would certainly not do that, and I knowotherpeople who wouldn’t accept it. When I got home, Father said: Well, another time I think you’d better stay and sleep at the Brs., and I said: I did not want to be a killjoy here. And Oswald said: “What you need is a box on the ear,” Father was luckily out of the room already and so I said: “Yourchildren, if you ever have any, can be kept in order by boxing their ears till they are green and blue, but you have no rights over your sisters, Father told you so in Fieberbrunn.” “Oh, I know Father always backs you two up, he has done so from the first.” “Please don’t draw me into your quarrels,” said Dora, as if she had been something quite different from me. And then Aunt Dora said: “I do wish you would not keep on quarreling.” “Ididn’t begin it,” said I, and went away without saying goodnight; that is I went to Father’s room to say goodnight to him and I saw Aunt Dora in the hall, but Ididn’tsay goodnight to Oswald and Dora, for I’m not going to put up witheverything. And now it’s half past 11 already, for I have been writing such a long time, and have cried such a lot, for I’mveryunhappy. Even Hella doesn’t know how unhappy I am. I must go to bed now; whether I shall sleep or not is another question. If I can possibly manage it, I shall go alone to the cemetery to-morrow.
31st. Hella and I went to the cemetery to-day. Her father and mother returned to Cracow yesterday evening, and she told her grandmother she was going to spend the morning with me, and I said I was going to the Brs., so we went alone to Potzleinsdorf. Hella went for a walk round the cemetery while I went to darling Mother’s grave. I am so unhappy; Hella consoles me as much as she can, but even she can’t understand.
January 1, 19—! Of course we did not keep New Year’s Eve yesterday, but were quite alone and it was very melancholy. This morning Dr. P. brought Dora and Aunt Dora some roses and he gave me some lovely violets as a New Year’s greeting. He is leaving on the 4th, so he is coming here on the evening of the 3rd. I can’t say I look forward to it. To-morrow school begins thank goodness. I met a dust cart, that means good luck; Father says it is a scandal the way the dirt carts go on all through the day in Vienna, and that one should see one even on New Year’s day at 2 in the afternoon. But still, if it meansgood luck!
January 2nd. The dust cart did bring good luck. We had a real piece ofluckto-day! In the big interval I noticed a little knot of girls in the hall, and suddenly I felt as if my heart would stop beating. Frau Doktor M., I should say Frau Professor Theyer, was standing among them, she saw us directly and held out her hand to us so we kissed it. She has come to visit her parents andher husbandis with her; since she did not know for certain whether she would be able to come to the school she had not written either to me or to Hella about it. She is so lovely and so entrancingly loveable. When the bell rang for class and Frau Doktor Dunker came in I saw thatshewas still standing outside. So I put my handkerchief up to my face as if my nose were bleeding, and rushed out to her. And because I slipped and nearly fell, she held out her arms to me. Hardly had I reached her, when Hella came out and said: “Of course I understood directly; I said you were awfully bad, so I must go and look after you.” Then the Frau Professor laughed like anything and said: “You are such wicked little actresses; I must send you back immediately.” But of course she did not but was frightfully sweet. Then we begged her to let us stay with her, but she said: “No, no, I’ve been your teacher here, and I must not encourage you in mischief. But here is a better idea. Would you like to come and see me to-morrow?” “Rather,” we both exclaimed. She said she was staying in a hotel, but we must not come alone to a hotel, so she would see us at her parents, in Schwindgasse, and we were to come there at 4 or half past. Then we kissed both her hands and were so happy! To-morrow at 4! Oh dear, a whole night more and nearly a whole day to wait. “If your parents allow you,” she said; as if Father or even Hella’s grandmother would not allowthat!All Father said was: “All right Gretel, but don’t go quite off your head first or you won’t be able to find your way to Schwindgasse. Is Hella as crazy as you are?” Of course, how can one be otherwise?
January 3rd. Still 2 hours, it’s awful, Hella is coming to fetch me at half past 3. In school to-day we kept on looking at one another, and all the other girls thought it must be something to do with a man. Goodness, what do we care about a man now! We had a splendid idea, that we had just time to make a memento forher, since she does not leave until the evening of the 5th. I am having traced on a piece of yellow silk for a book marker an edelweiss and her monogram E. T., the new one of course. Hella is painting a paperknife in imitation of tarsia mosaic. I would rather have done something of that sort too, but I have no patience for such work, so I often spoil it before I’ve finished. But one can’t very well spoil a piece of embroidery. But I shan’t get the tracing on the silk back from the shop until half past 3, so I shall have to work all night and the whole day to-morrow.
Evening. Thank goodness and confound it, whichever way you like to take it, the idiot at the shop had forgotten about the bookmarker and I shan’t get it until to-morrow morning early. So I’m able to write now: It was heavenly! We had to walk up and down in front of her house for at least half an hour, until at last it was 5 minutes past 4. She was so sweet to us! She wanted to say Sie to us, but wesimply would not have it, and so she said Du as she used to. We talked of all sorts of things, I don’t know what, only that I suddenly burst out crying, and then she drew me to her b — —, no, I can’t write that about her; she drew me to herself and than I felther heart beating!and went almost crazy. Hella says that I put both my arms round her neck, but I’m sure that’s all imagination, for I should never have dared. She has such fascinating hands, and thewedding ringglistens so on her divine ring finger. Of course we talked about the school, and then she suddenly said: Tell me what really happened about those compositions, when half the class deliberately refrained from putting any punctuation marks. “Oh,” we said, “that is a frightful cram, it wasn’thalfthe class, but only 6 of us who have a special veneration for you.” Then we told her how it all came about. She laughed a little, and said: “Well, girls, you did not do me any particularservice. It really was a great piece of impertinence.” But I said: “Prof. Fritsch’s remarks were 10 times more impertinent, for they related to another member of the staff, and what was worse to you.” Then she said: “My darling girls, that often happens in life, that the absent are given a bad reputation, whether justly or unjustly; one is liable to that in every profession.” Hella said that the head mistress was not like that or there would have been a frightful row, since the matter had become known in all the High Schools of Vienna. Then Frau Doktor M. said: “Yes, the Frau Direktorin is really a splendid woman.” Then there came something glorious, or really 2 glorious things: (1). She gave us some magnificent sweets, better than I have ever eaten before. Hella agrees, and we are really connoisseurs in the matter of sweets. The second thing, even more glorious, was this: after we had been there some time, there was a knock at the door and in cameherhusband, the Herr Prof., and said: “How are you my treasure?” and to us: “Goodday, youngladies.” Then she introduced us, saying: “Two of my best-loved pupils and my most faithful adherents.” Then the Herr Prof. laughed a great deal and said: “That can’t be said of all pupils.” So I said quickly: “Oh yes, it can be said of Frau Doktor, the whole class would go through fire for her.” Then he went away, and she said: “Excuse me for a moment,” and we could hear quite plainly thathe kissed herin the next room, and then she said as she came in again: “Oh well, be off with you, Karl, goodbye.” It’s a pity his name is Karl, it’s so prosaic, and he calls her Lise, and I expect when they are alone he calls her Lieschen, since he is a North German. I must go to bed, it’s half past 11 already. To be continued to-morrow. Sleep well, my sweet glorious ecstatic golden and only treasure! God, I am so happy.
January 6th. Thank goodness to-day is a holiday, and we can’t go tobogganing because Dora has achill!!!I got the bookmarker on the 4th, worked at it all day and up till midnight, and yesterday I got up at half past 5, went on working the whole morning, and at 2 o’clock we took our mementoes to the house. Though we should have liked to give them to her ourselves, we didn’t, but only gave them to the maid. She said: Shall I show you in? but Hella said: “No, thank you, we don’t want to disturb Frau Theyer, and when I reproached her for this she said: Oh no, it was better not; you are quite upset anyhow, you know whatshesaid: But my dear child, you will make yourself ill; you must not do that onmyaccount!” Oh dear, I’m crying so that I can hardly write, but Imustwrite, for there is still so much that’s glorious to put down, things that I must never, never forget, even if it should take me a week to write. The great thing is that I shall simply live upon this memory, and the only thing I want in life is that I may seeheronce more. Of course we took her some flowers on Friday, I lilies of the valley with violets and tuberoses, and Hella Christmas roses. She was delighted, and went directly to fetch 2 vases which her mother brought in. She is as small as Frau Richter, and her hair is grey, she is charming; but she is not in the least like Frau Doktor M. When we said goodbye she offered us still more sweets, but since we were both nearly crying already we did not want to take any more, but she wrapped them nearly all up for us, saying: “To console you in your sorrow.” From anyone else it might have sounded ironical, but from her it was simply lovely. There were 17 large sweets, and Hella gave me 9 of them and took only 8 for herself. I shall eat only one every day, so that they will last me 9 days.Joy and sorrow combined!!Hella is not so frightfully in love as I am, and yesterday she said, in joke of course: “It seems to me that your whole world is foundered; I must pull you out, or you’ll be drowned.” And then she asked me how I could have been so stupid as to use the wordhoneymoontoher, although she hemmed to warn me. She said it really was utterly idiotic of me, and that the Frau Prof. blushed. I did not notice it myself, but when herhusbandcame in, she certainly did flush up like anything. Hella and I talked of quite a lot ofother things of that sort. I should so much have liked to ask her whether she has given up going to church, for I think the Herr Prof. really is a Jew, though he does notlooklike one. For lots of other men wear black beards. But I did not venture to ask, and Hella thinks it is a very good thing I did not, for onedoes not talk about such things. I wonderwhether she will have a baby? Oh, it would be horrible. Of course she may have entered into amarriagecontract, that would have been the best way. However, Hella thinks that the professor would not have agreed to anything of the kind. But surely if he was frantically in love with her . . .
January 1 5th. The girls in our class are frantically jealous. We did not say in so many words that we, alone among them all, had been invited to see her, but Hella had brought one of the sweets she had given us and in the interval she said: This must be eaten reverently, and she cut it in two to give me half. The Ehrenfelds thought it must have been given by some acquaintance made at the skating rink, and Trude said: “Doubly sweetened, by chocolate and love.” “Yes,” said I, “but not in the sense you imagine.” And since she said: “Oh, of course, I know all about that, but I don’t want to be indiscreet,” Hella said: “I may as well tell you that Frau Doktor M., or I should say themarriedFrau Prof. Theyer, gave us this sweet and a great many more on the day she had invited us to go and see her.” Then they were all utterly kerblunxed and said: “Great Scott, what luck, but you always were Frau Doktor M.‘s favourites, especially Lainer. But Lainer always courted Frau Doktor M.”
January 17th. The whole school knows about our being invited to see her, the glorious one! I’ve just been reading it over, and I see that I have left a frightful lot out, especially about her father. When we were leaving, just outside the house door we burst out crying because as I opened the door I had said, For the last time! Just then an old gentleman came up and was about to go in, and when he saw that we were crying, though we were standing quite in the shadow, he came up to us and asked what was the matter. Then Hella said: “We have lost out best friend.” Then the old gentleman looked at us for a tremendously long time and said: “I say, do you happen to be the two ardent admirers of Frau Doktor Mallburg? She is my daughter, you know. And then he said: But you really can’t go through the streets bathed in tears like that. Come upstairs again with me and my daughter will console you.” So we really did go upstairs again, and she was perfectly unique. Her father opened the door and called out: Lieserl, your admirers simply can’t part from you, and I found them being washed out to sea in a river of tears. Then she came out wearing arose-coloured dressing-gown!!!exquisite. And she led us into the room and said: “Girls, you must not look at me in this old rag, which is only fit to throw away.” I should have liked to say: “Give it tomethen.” But of course I could not. And when we made our final goodbye, perhapsfor ever, she kissed each of ustwice overand said: Girls, I wish you all the happiness in the world!
January 18th. Hella invited me there to-day, to meet Lajos and Jeno. But I’m not going, for Jeno does not interest me in the very least. That was not areallove. I don’t care for anyone in the whole world except her, my one and only! Even Hella can’t understand that, in fact she thinks itdotty. Father wanted me to go to Hella’sto change the current of my thoughts. Of course I hardly say a word aboutherto anyone, for no one understands me. But I never could have believed that Father would be just like anyone else. It’s quite true that I’m getting thin. I’m so glad that we are not going tobogganing to-day because Dora has a chill, arealchill this time. So I am going to the church in Schwindgasse and shall walk up and down in front ofherhouse; perhaps I shall meet her father or her mother. I wrote to her the day before yesterday.
January 24th. I am so happy. She wrote to meby return!This is the second letter I have had from her! At dinner to-day Father said: “Hullo, Gretel, why are you looking so happy to-day? I have not seen you with such a sunny face for a long time.” So I answered in as few words as possible: “After dinner I will tellyouwhy.” For the others need not know anything about it. And when I told Father vaguely that Frau Prof. Th. had written to me, Father said: “Oh, isthatwhat has pleased you so much. But I have something up my sleeve which will also please you. February 1st and 2nd are Sunday and Monday, you have 2 days free, and if you and Hella can get a day off from school on Saturday we might make an excursion to Mariazell. How does that strike you?” It would be glorious, if only Hella is allowed to come, for her grandmother imagines that the sore throat she had before Christmas was due to the tobogganing on the Anninger, where the sole was torn off her shoe! As ifwecould help that. Still, by good luck she may have forgotten it; she is 63 already, and one forgets a lot when one is that age.
Evening. Hella may come; it will be splendid! Perhaps we shall try a little skiing. But really Hella is a horrid pig; she said: “All right, I’ll come, if you’ll promise not to be continually talking about Frau Professor Th. I’m very fond of her too, but you are simply crazy about her.” It’s really too bad, and I shall never mentionhername to the others any more. I am looking forward so to the tobogganing at Mariazell. We’ve never made any such excursion in winter before. Hurrah, it will be glorious! Oh I do wish the 31st of January were here; I’m frantically excited.