XXX
Dianestaggered to her feet and went up-stairs. Her strongest feeling was one of keen humiliation. She had made a confession that she had never intended to make, and it did not matter if her father had been the only listener. The actual admission, the spoken words, had clothed a dim specter with reality. She had heard her own voice making an admission that seemed to establish a motive—a motive at once primal and unjustifiable—for her desertion of her husband.
It frightened her. She felt as if Overton must have heard her, through the intervening night and the distance, that he must at last put the true interpretation upon the terror with which she had thrust him away when they met on the lonely mountain road. Then, as now, it had come to her with a revealing shock that she still loved him, and not the man she had married. Yet she must love Faunce, she argued wildly to herself. She did love him, she had loved him when she had married him, and it agonized her now to think of him as one who was so totally different from the man she had imagined him to be.
She found herself in the most inexplicable tangleof emotions. She did not know which way to turn. She had fled from her father, afraid to meet his pitying eyes, afraid, most of all, to hear his reassuring voice, for she knew what that meant!
She fled into her own room, and, locking the door, threw herself down before the open window, her head on the sill, the soft night air stirring the dusky hair on her forehead. It was a night for a love-dream, not for such shrinking and terror as now harassed her.
When Faunce had confessed to her, when he had torn away the last shred of her illusion about him, she had left him, overwhelmed with horror and dismay. The revulsion of feeling had been so intense that it had carried her home and swept her along in the current of her father’s rage against her husband. She had been as eager as he to get Faunce to consent to a divorce. She did not wish to bear the name of a man who had so deeply disgraced himself.
When he had assented to Herford’s demands, when he had declared that, if she wished it, she could have her freedom, the tension had snapped, and she had collapsed. She had been ready for conflict, ready to fight for her liberty; but when she found that there was to be no opposition, she experienced a sudden feeling of helplessness. She was adrift on a shoreless sea.
A beacon, indeed, shone across it—the beacon of Overton’s love, which sometimes seemed tobeckon her home to the harbor of safety and happiness, but now there was this thing—this thing that had risen out of the night, unasked and unheralded, and it was pressing close upon her. She had discerned it from afar, and even in the midst of her wild revulsion, her determination to escape, it had filled her with awe and with dread.
It was imperceptible, yet it was with her. It held her back with strong hands, though it was invisible—as invisible as the angel who wrestled with Jacob. But she had no need to ask its name; she knew the name by which men called it—unless, indeed, they called it God. She felt it gaining upon her and threatening her, yet she would not yield.
She lay across the sill of her open window, exhausted and prone, but not beaten. She was fighting still, fighting for happiness, trying to guide her shipwrecked bark into that safe harbor where the beacon of love shone bright. She would not surrender, she would not admit that there was no room for her there—not yet! But she wished that she had not spoken, had not voiced her emotion. It seemed to give this impalpable thing, this invisible angel, so much more power for battle.
Then, suddenly as if the unseen wrestler had successfully thrown her in the conflict, she saw herself as the type of woman she most abhorred—thewoman who divorces one man because she is in love with another.
But that could not be true, the inner voice cried; for though she loved Faunce, she had left him because she had found him to be a creature so unworthy, so cowardly, so cruel, that her soul had risen up and driven her from him. Overton had had nothing to do with it. It was Faunce himself who had torn away the thin veil that had obscured her idol’s feet of clay.
As she tried to force herself to think of her husband, to recall him in his better aspect, she could only remember his face as he had lifted it, haggard and ashamed, to confess that he had left a brave man, his friend and his commander, to die, that he might be sure to save himself, be sure to reap the profit and the glory of the fallen leader’s labor and sacrifice. She could never forget it. It had slain her love for him so completely that not even a spark lingered in the ashes.
It was not that she loved Overton now. It was her remembrance of the fact that she had loved him. The thought of what he was, compared with the man she had married, had plunged her into deeper self-abasement.
It was a fine distinction, a spiritual difference between the grosser facts of life and the old, sweet memories that were dead. She understood it; she would not forget it, but would her father understand it? She knew that he could not.
He had the hard legal acumen, the keen discernment, but his strength had the quality of granite and not of crystal. It was tremendous and solid, but not transparent enough to reflect the more exquisite emotions. He had not understood her, and he would not understand if she tried to explain away that broken and inarticulate cry of regret for the past. He would believe not only that he was doing what was just and right for his daughter, but that he was seeking her happiness, when there could be no happiness for her at all.
She could never set him straight, never convince him that she had not meant every word she said. He could not know about the invisible wrestler who still held her from the temptation of that distant happiness, who even now had made her feel that she must forego it. No one knew this but herself!
It was the feeling of helplessness, of the futility of argument, that made her unwilling to face her father again. It was with her during the long night, in her troubled snatches of sleep; it was the motive that made her plead headache in the morning, and thus escape the ordeal of anothertête-à-têtebreakfast by having hers brought up to her room; and later it drove her out of doors for a long and solitary walk.
It was a relief to be out in the open air again, to tramp down the familiar road to the seminary,to notice the rapidity with which the leaves were changing even on the late trees and shrubs, and how many of the early autumn blossoms had thrust their way up through the earth, which was moist and dark with recent rains. A storm had come up before daybreak, and the sky was still softly clouded, while fitful bursts of rain and wind drove through the narrow lane. Diane had a moment of exhilaration, of the joy of conflict, as the boughs swayed and creaked overhead and the leaves rained down at her feet.
This feeling was still with her, stiffening her power of resistance, when she finally turned into the seminary gates and made her way to the dean’s house, with no stronger motive than a vague longing to feel that some one understood.
A little later, however, sitting in Fanny’s room, she was not sure that even another girl did quite understand the perplexity of her situation, its hopelessness and its futility. Fanny had been ready enough in her expressions of sympathy, but there was something between them that hushed confidence. There was a shy reluctance on the younger girl’s part that reminded Diane of a similar restraint when Fanny had been her bridesmaid. They talked a while in meaningless commonplaces. Then, as Fanny looked up suddenly, Diane caught the quiver of the girl’s lip and leaned forward, laying her ungloved hand on her friend’s knee.
“Fanny, do you know?” she whispered.
Fanny’s eyes sank involuntarily to the hand on her knee, and rested on the new wedding-ring. Diane saw the glance, and drew her hand back with a significant gesture of pain and repugnance.
“Do I know what?” Fanny flushed with embarrassment. “You mean that you’ve—you’ve left him, Di, or—or what he did?”
Diane, busily covering her left hand with its glove, was aware that her fingers were shaking.
“I mean both,” she replied.
“Yes, papa told us. Oh, Diane, I’m so sorry—so sorry about him!”
“You mean you’re more sorry for him than for me?”
Fanny raised her blue eyes steadily.
“Yes, I think I am. He’s lost everything, even himself!”
Diane rose to her feet and began to walk about the room. It was small and bright, with two windows looking out on the campus. It contained a book-shelf, some pretty chintz-covered furniture, and a little white bed that looked like a convent cot. There were also unnumbered girlish belongings—favors, bonbon-boxes, photographs, and knickknacks.
Diane walked about restlessly, lifting up and setting down first one thing and then another, unaware of what she did.
“I—I couldn’t stay, Fanny!”
The other girl did not follow her with her eyes. Instead, Fanny sat looking out of the window at a shower that was driving across the campus, the sun breaking through the clouds in time to make it a rain of gold.
“I suppose you couldn’t, Di. I think I know just how you felt, but—well, it makes me pity him the more!”
Diane faced her passionately.
“How can you, Fanny? How can you pity him more than I do? I loved him!”
“Yes, I know; but when you knew what he’d done, you ceased to love him. Wasn’t that it, Di? You see I—I suppose I’m a weaker mortal. I couldn’t do that. I should keep on loving him—well, just because I should feel he needed it so much!”
“Would you?” Diane came slowly nearer, looking at her friend imploringly, her face colorless. “Fanny, do you think that’s it? That’s what I’ve asked myself a hundred times. Do you think I—I never really loved him?”
“Oh, that’s too much to say! I couldn’t judge for you, Di, we’re—we’re so different. I suppose I’m like—like the dog that keeps going back to lick the hand that’s struck him. If I loved any one, I couldn’t—I simply couldn’t turn on them like that!”
“I didn’t think I could, either; but when he told me what he’d done—Fanny, I can’t tell you howI felt. I felt as if something had died in my heart. I couldn’t even look at him again without seeing him in flight and—and Overton alone, deserted in the snow and ice, left to die!” She covered her face with her hands, shuddering. “I could have forgiven him a sin against myself far more easily. I could have forgiven even dishonesty, but that—Fanny, I—I couldn’t, I can’t!”
Fanny averted her eyes. The response that rose to her lips was too pertinent.
“It’s because you always loved Overton!” she longed to cry out. Instead, she rose and put her arms around Diane. “If you feel like that, dear,” she said, “there’s only one way out.”
Diane clung to her trembling.
“You mean——”
“Your father’s way,” Fanny said firmly. “Papa told us the judge meant to get a divorce for you.”
Diane held her, looking into her eyes. The two seemed to have suddenly changed places; Fanny was the more composed and confident now.
“Then you—you don’t think it would be wrong?” Diane implored.
Fanny shook her head.
“I think it’s better than to feel as you do. I know mama’s fearfully opposed to divorce, and papa is, of course. But, no, Di, I think it would be right for you—and for him, too.”
Diane’s hands fell from Fanny’s shoulders, andshe walked slowly over to the window and stood looking out. For a while they were both silent. Fanny felt that instead of reassuring her friend, she had only added to her distress. Through her very words of encouragement Diane must have felt the subtle suggestion of Fanny’s mind—her belief that Diane’s love for Overton made her marriage not only intolerable but impossible.
She was conscious, too, that her own emotion dictated her pity for Faunce, that even now she could not quite forget the hold he had always had upon her mind and heart. She was flushed and tremulous when Diane turned suddenly and kissed her.
“Good-by, dear,” she said softly. “I can’t stay here now and face your father. I know what he’d think. Oh, Fanny, I—I wish I had never been born!”
The two girls clung to each other for another moment, neither of them quite able to be coherent. Then Diane ran down-stairs and made her way out into the rain.