CHAPTER II.
Until I had attained the twentieth year of my age, my reading had chiefly consisted of works of imagination and feeling; such as novels and poetry. Even the religious works I perused were chiefly devotional poetry, and such works as Mrs Rowe’s Devout Exercises, and the lives of persons who were eminently distinguished for their piety. I was almost a stranger to controversial works, and had never examined the points in dispute between different denominations of Christians. But at length an incident in my life gave a different turn to my literary pursuit.
While I was engaged in learning Latin and Greek, one of the gentlemen who taught me had by him a small manuscript from Broughton’s Dictionary, giving an account of Arminians, Calvinists, and several other denominations which were most common. This awakened my curiosity, and I assiduously engagedmyself in perusing all the books which I could obtain, which gave an account of the various sentiments described. I soon became disgusted with the want of candor in the authors I consulted, in giving the most unfavorable descriptions of the denominations they disliked, and applying to them the names of heretics, fanatics, enthusiasts, &c. I therefore formed a plan for myself, made a blank book, and wrote rules for transcribing, and adding to, my compilation. But as I was stimulated to proceed only by curiosity, and never had an idea of deriving any profit from it, the compilation went on but slowly, though I was pressed by necessity to make every exertions in my power for my immediate support. During the American revolutionary war, I learned to weave bobbin lace, which was then saleable, and much more profitable to me than spinning, sewing or knitting, which had previously been my employment. At this period I found but little time for literary pursuits. But at the termination of the American war, this resource failed, and I was again left in a destitute situation. My health didnot admit of my teaching a school, and I was glad to avail myself of every opportunity of taking any kind of work which I could do, though the profit was very small, and inadequate to my support. One pleasing event occurred in this gloomy period. I had the satisfaction of teaching the rudiments of Latin and Greek to three young gentlemen, who resided in the vicinity. This was some advantage to me. Besides, it was a pleasant amusement. One of these young gentlemen was theRev.MrClark, of Norton, who pursued his studies with me till he entered Cambridge University, and has continued his friendship for me during life; and his uniform excellent character I have ever highly appreciated.
The difficulty of taking in such kinds of work as I could do, for I was not, like my sister, ingenious in all kinds of needle work, induced me, as the last resort, to attend to my manuscript, with the faint hope that it might be printed, and afford me some little advantage. I was far from being sanguine as to the result, even if I accomplished this object,I had been in the habit of employing myself very diligently for trifling profits, and those who are in easy circumstances cannot form an adequate idea of the lively satisfaction I felt, when I could procure any work by which I could earn a few shillings. This kind of enjoyment, which Providence has given to the poor, appears intended to soften the many difficulties in their situation.
I was sensible, that, in printing my manuscript, I had various obstacles to encounter. It was difficult to procure proper materials for the work in my sequestered abode. I felt that my ignorance of the world, and little acquaintance with business, would put me in the power of every printer to whom I might apply. I, however, resumed my compilation on an enlarged scale, which included a few of the reasons which the various denominations give in defence of their different religious systems. Stimulated by an ardent curiosity, I entered into the vast field of religious controversy, for which my early reading had ill prepared me. I perused all the controversial works I could possibly obtainwith the utmost attention, in order to abridge what appeared to me the most plausible arguments for every denomination. As I read controversy with a mind naturally wanting in firmness and decision, and without that pertinacity which blunts the force of arguments which are opposed to the tenets we have once imbibed, I suffered extremely from mental indecision, while perusing the various and contradictory arguments adduced by men of piety and learning in defence of their respective religious systems. Sometimes my mind was so strongly excited, that extreme feeling obliged me for a time to lay aside my employment. Notwithstanding it required much reading to perform my task, the painful feelings I suffered while preparing my work for the press far outweighed all the other labor. Reading much religious controversy must be extremely trying to a female, whose mind, instead of being strengthened by those studies which exercise the judgment, and give stability to the character, is debilitated by reading romances and novels, which are addressed to the fancy and imagination,and are calculated to heighten the feelings.
After my View of Religions was prepared for the press, the difficulty still remained of finding any printer willing and able to print it without money immediately paid. But at length, after various perplexities, this compilation was put to the press in 1784. The profit to myself was very small; for, as it might well have been expected from my father’s inexperience in the business of book making, he was completely duped by the printer, in making the bargain. After being at the trouble of procuring upwards of four hundred subscribers, all the compensation I was able to obtain, was only fifty books; and I was obliged to find a sale for them, after the printer, (whose name, out of respect to his descendants, I omit to mention,) had received all the subscription money. As my books sold very well, the printer must have made something handsome by the publication.
The effect of reading so much religious controversy, which had been verytrying to my mind, was extremely prejudicial to my health, and introduced a train of the most painful nervous complaints. I was at length brought so low, that the physician who attended me supposed I was in a decline. But after a tedious interval of extreme suffering, I began gradually to recover; and afterwards found my complaints were increased, by following the injudicious advice of the physician who attended me. To the skill and attention of my friend Dr Mann, formerly of Wrentham, I owe, under Heaven, the preservation of my life at this period.
Soon after I began to recover, I received a letter from the printer of my View of Religions, informing me that he had sold the greatest part of the edition, and was about to reprint it; and requesting me to inform him if I wished to make any additions to my work. As I had the precaution to secure the copy-right, agreeably to the law passed in Massachusetts, 1783, I returned a laconic answer, forbidding him to reprint it; and he finally relinquished the design.
The information, that the first edition ofmy View of Religions was sold, gave me the idea of reprinting it for my own benefit. But as I was entirely destitute of pecuniary resources, ignorant of the world, incapable of conducting business, and precluded from almost all intercourse with persons of literature and information, and consequently destitute of friends who were able and willing to assist me, the execution of the plan was extremely difficult. Even the few friends I had gained at that time supposed the disadvantages in my situation too great to encourage my undertaking. Instead of assisting me, they considered my plan as chimerical, and depressed my hopes and discouraged my exertions.
While I was struggling with embarrassments and difficulties, I was involved in the deepest affliction by the death of the beloved sister, whom I mentioned in the preceding Chapter. I then experienced the keenest anguish the human heart can feel in losing a friend.
Dearer than life, or aught below the skies,The bright ideas and romantic schemesOf perfect love, and friendship, fancy paints,In her I realized.
Dearer than life, or aught below the skies,The bright ideas and romantic schemesOf perfect love, and friendship, fancy paints,In her I realized.
Dearer than life, or aught below the skies,The bright ideas and romantic schemesOf perfect love, and friendship, fancy paints,In her I realized.
Dearer than life, or aught below the skies,
The bright ideas and romantic schemes
Of perfect love, and friendship, fancy paints,
In her I realized.
To describe the excess of my grief on this occasion would be altogether impossible. Those, only, who have formed the highest ideas of friendship, and have considered their earthly happiness as dependent upon the life of one beloved object, on whose judgment they relied, and in whom they found comfort and support in every difficulty and affliction, can form an adequate idea of what I felt on this occasion; which led me to exclaim,
And is she dead! My life, my all is gone.The world’s a desert. Nothing now on earthCan yield me joy, or comfort.
And is she dead! My life, my all is gone.The world’s a desert. Nothing now on earthCan yield me joy, or comfort.
And is she dead! My life, my all is gone.The world’s a desert. Nothing now on earthCan yield me joy, or comfort.
And is she dead! My life, my all is gone.
The world’s a desert. Nothing now on earth
Can yield me joy, or comfort.
The death of my beloved sister made me feel almost alone in the world. Our joys and sorrows, and all our interests were so closely blended, that I nearly identified her existence with my own. Everything appeared gloomy in my situation. My health was feeble; I was entirely destitute of property; my father’s circumstances were very low; and I had no other relation or friendfrom whom I might expect to derive assistance. But notwithstanding all the difficulties in my situation, I determined to use every possible exertion to help myself; considering that, if I was unsuccessful in attempting to extricate myself from poverty, my efforts would awaken the activity of my mind, and preserve me from sinking under the weight of affliction I sustained in losing the best of sisters. It was, perhaps, a happy circumstance, that necessity stimulated me to exertion in this most gloomy period of my existence.
After I began to prepare the additions to my View of Religions, I found it required a great effort to detach my mind from the recollection of past sufferings, and force myself to that mental exertion which is naturally so congenial to my mind. At length, however, I completed the task of preparing my work for the press. I had previously, in 1790, sent a petition to Congress, which was presented by the late Fisher Ames,Esq.for a general law to be passed, to secure to authors the copy-right of their publications.I now applied to a large number of printers to know on what terms they would publish my work. But, though I wrote nearly the same letter to all, consisting of a few direct questions, their answers were generally various, prolix, and ambiguous.
I at length concluded to accept the terms of one of the printers to whom I applied, who offered me one hundred dollars in books, for an edition of one thousand copies. When I went to Boston for this purpose, a friend of mine introduced me to theRev.MrFreeman, whom I had only once before seen: but I was well apprised of his benevolent character, which I found more than realized the ideas which I had formed of it from report. I shall ever recollect the generous interest he took in my affairs, with the most lively gratitude. He removed my perplexity, by transacting the business with the printer. By his advice, a subscription paper was published; and I soon found the benefit of his patronage, in procuring a large number of subscribers, and concluding anadvantageous bargain for me withMrFolsom, the printer. The second edition was published in 1791; and the emolument I derived from it not only placed me in a comfortable situation, but enabled me to pay the debts I had contracted during mine and my sister’s illness, and to put out a small sum upon interest.