I am persuaded, that in few things we are more deficient than in the exercise of joy and gratitude for the grace of God manifested in his children. There are few of the epistles of Paul which do not commence with an expression of joy and thanksgiving for the piety of those to whom he was writing. I have been surprised, on looking over them, to find these expressions so full and so frequent. They are too numerous to be quoted in this place; but I entreat you to examine them for yourself. Even in regard to the Corinthians, among whom so many evils existed, he says, "I thank my God always on your behalf, for the grace of God which is given you by Jesus Christ." But who among us is ever heard thanking God for the piety of his brethren? On the contrary, how many of the prayers that are offered up in our social meetings resemble the errands of a churlish man, who never visits his neighbor's house without entering some complaint against his children! Yet, we are under greater obligations for the least exhibition of gracious fruits in the lives of his people, than for the daily bounties of his providence, inasmuch as the gift of the Holy Ghost is greater than food and raiment.
X. Thus far, with the exception of the first two heads, and a part of the last, we have had thenegativecharacter of Charity. We now come to itspositivemanifestations, which have, however, to a considerable extent, been anticipated in the previous consideration of the subject.
1. Charitybeareth all things; or, as it may be rendered,covereth all things. This seems to be more agreeable to the context; for otherwise it would mean the same asendureth all things, in the latter clause of the verse, and thus make a tautology; while it leaves a deficiency in the description, indicated by the passage in Peter, "Charity shall cover the multitude of sins." "Charity will draw a vail over the faults of others, so far as is consistent with duty." What trait of character can be more amiable and lovely? It is the genuine spirit of the gospel, which requires us to "do unto others as we would they should do to us." And who would like to have his faults made the subject of common conversation among his acquaintances? If no one would like to be thus "served up," let him be cautious how he treats others. And, if it is contrary to charity thus to speak of the faults of individuals, it is not the less so to speak of the faults of masses of men, as of the clergy or of the church. The injustice is the more aggravated, because it is condemning by wholesale. A member of the church of Christ, who speaks much of its corruptions, is guilty of the anomalous conduct ofspeaking evil of himself; for the members of Christ's body areall one in him. It may sometimes be our duty to speak of the faults of others; but, where charity reigns in the heart, this will be done only in cases of unavoidable necessity, and then with great pain and sacrifice of feeling. The benevolent heart feels for the woes of others, and even compassionates their weakness and wickedness. It will desire, therefore, as much as possible, to hide them from the public gaze, unless the good of others should require their exposure; and even then, will not do it with wanton feelings. But these remarks apply with much greater force to the practice of Christians speaking of one another's faults. Where is the heart that would not revolt at the idea of brothersand sisters scanning each other's faults, in the ears of strangers? Yet the relation of God's children is far more endearing than the ties of consanguinity.
2. Charitybelieveth all things, hopeth all things. This is the opposite of jealousy and suspicion. It is a readiness to believe everything in favor of others; and even when appearances are very strong against them, still to hope for the best. This disposition will lead us to look at the characters of others in their most favorable light; to give full weight to every good quality, and full credit for every praiseworthy action; while every palliating circumstance is viewed in connection with deficiencies and misconduct. Charity will never attribute an action to improper motives or a bad design, when it can account for it in any other way; and, especially, it will not be quick to charge hypocrisy and insincerity upon those who seem to be acting correctly. It will give credit to the professions of others, unless obviously contradicted by their conduct. It does not, indeed, forbid prudence and caution—"The simple believeth every word; but the prudent man looketh well to his going"—but it is accustomed to repose confidence in others, and it will not be continually watching for evil.
A charitable spirit is opposed to the prevailing disposition for discussing private character. It will not willingly listen to criticisms upon the characters of others, nor the detail of their errors and imperfections; and it will turn away with disgust and horror from petty scandal and evil-speaking, as offensive to benevolent feeling. It is a kind ofmoral sense, which recoils from detraction and backbiting.
3. Charityendureth all things. This is nearly synonymous with long-suffering; and yet it is a more extensive expression. It will endure with patience, and suffer without anger or bitterness of feeling, everything in social life which is calculated to try our tempers, and exhaust our patience. It is not testy, and impatient at the least opposition, or the slightest provocation; but endures the infirmities, the unreasonableness,the ill-humor, and the hard language of others, with a meek and quiet spirit.
Finally, charity is the practical application of the golden rule of our Saviour, and the second table of the law, to all our intercourse with our fellow-men, diffusing around us a spirit of kindness and benevolent feeling. It comprehends all that is candid and generous, bland and gentle, amiable and kind, in the human character, regenerated by the grace of God. It is opposed to all that is uncandid and disingenuous, coarse and harsh, unkind, severe, and bitter, in the disposition of fallen humanity. It is the bond, which holds society together, the charm which sweetens social intercourse, and theUNIVERSAL PANACEA, which, if it cannot cure, will at least mitigate, all the diseases of the social state. That you may possess it in its highest earthly perfection, is the sincere prayer of
Your affectionate Brother.
"And besides this, giving all diligence, add to your faith, virtue; and to virtue, knowledge; and to knowledge, temperance; and to temperance, patience; and to patience, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, charity."—2Pe. 1:5-7.
"And besides this, giving all diligence, add to your faith, virtue; and to virtue, knowledge; and to knowledge, temperance; and to temperance, patience; and to patience, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, charity."—2Pe. 1:5-7.
My dear Sister,
In my first letter, I spoke of the importance of growth in grace, and enumerated some of the fruits of the Spirit. I revert to the same subject again, for the purpose of showing the importance of cultivating the several Christian graces in due proportion, so as to attain to a uniform consistency of character.
Nothing delights the senses like harmony. The eye rests with pleasure on the edifice which is complete in all its parts, according to the laws of architecture; and the sensation of delight is still more exquisite, on viewing the harmonious combination of colors, as exhibited in the rainbow, or the flowers of the field. The ear, also, is ravished with the harmony of musical sounds, and the palate is delighted with savory dishes. But take away the cornice, or remove a column from the house, or abstract one of the colors of the rainbow, and the eye is offended; remove from the scale one of the musical sounds, and give undue prominence to another, and harmony will become discord; and what could be more insipid than a savory dish without salt?
So it is with the Christian character. Its beauty and loveliness depend on the harmonious culture of all the Christian graces. If one is deficient, and another too prominent, the idea of deformity strikesthe mind with painful sensations, somewhat similar to those produced by harsh, discordant musical sounds, or by the disproportionate exhibition of colors.
It was, probably, with an eye to this, that the apostle gave the exhortation above quoted. He was exhorting to growth in grace; and he would have the new man grow up with symmetrical proportions, so as to form the "stature of a perfect man in Christ Jesus," not having all the energies concentrated in one member, but having the body complete in all its parts, giving a due proportion of comeliness, activity, and strength to each. Thus, he says,Add to your faith virtue. By faith, I suppose we are to understand the elementary principle of the Christian character, as exhibited in regeneration; or the act which takes hold of Christ. But we are not to rest in this. We are to addvirtue, or strength and courage, to carry out our new principle of action. But this is not all that is needed. We may be full of courage and zeal; yet, if we are ignorant of truth and duty, we shall make sad work of it, running headlong, first into this extravagance, and then into that, disturbing the plans of others, and defeating our own, by a rash and heedless course of conduct.
Young Christians are in danger of making religion consist too exclusively in emotion, which leads them to undervalue knowledge. But while emotion is inseparable from spiritual religion, knowledge is no less essential to intelligent emotion. Ignorance is not the mother of devotion; and though a person may be sincerely and truly pious, with only the knowledge of a few simple principles, yet, without a thorough and comprehensive knowledge of religious truth, the Christian character will be weak and unstable, easily led astray, and carried about by every wind of doctrine. Knowledge is also essential to a high degree of usefulness. It expands and invigorates the mind, and enables us, with divine aid, to devise and execute plans of usefulness, with prudence and energy.
But knowledge alone is not sufficient; nor evenknowledge added to faith. Temperance must be added, as a regulator, both of soul and body. All our appetites and passions, desires and emotions, must be brought within the bounds of moderation. And to temperance must be added patience, that we may be enabled to endure the trials of this life, and not to faint under the chastening hand of our heavenly Father. As it is through much tribulation that we are to enter into the kingdom of heaven, we have need of patience, both for our own comfort, and for the honor of religion. Indeed, no grace is more needful, in the ordinary affairs of life. It is the little, every-day occurrences that try the Christian character: and it is in regard to these that patience works experience. Many of these things are more difficult to be borne than the greater trials of life, because the hand of God is less strikingly visible in them. But patience enables us to endure those things which cross the temper, with a calm, unruffled spirit; to encounter contradictions, little vexations, and disappointments, without fretting, or repining; and saves us from sinking under severe and protracted afflictions.
To patience must be added godliness, "which is profitable unto all things, having promise of the life that now is, and of that which is to come." To begodly, is to be, in a measure,like God. It is to be "renewed in knowledge, after the image of him that created us," and to have the same mind in us that was in Christ Jesus. This is the fruit of that patience which works experience, and results in hope, which maketh not ashamed.
To godliness must be added brotherly kindness; which is but acting out the state of heart expressed bygodliness, which indicates a partaking of divine benevolence.
Then comes the crowning grace ofCharity, "which is the bond of perfectness," comprehending the whole circle of the social virtues.
Where all these qualities exist, in due proportion, they will form a lovely character, harmonious andbeautiful as the seven colors of the rainbow; yea, with the addition of an eighth, of crowning lustre. But, if any one suffers his religious feelings to concentrate on one point, as though the whole of religion consisted in zeal, or devotional feeling, or sympathy, or the promotion of some favorite scheme of benevolence, you will find an exhibition of character as unlovely and repulsive as though the seven colors of the rainbow should concentrate in one, of livid hue, or pale blue, or sombre gray; as disagreeable as though the sweet melody of a harmonious choir were changed into a dull, monotonous bass; and as unsavory as a dish of meats seasoned only with bitter herbs.
This disproportionate development of Christian character is more frequently seen in young converts: especially such as have not received a thorough Christian education, and are, consequently, deficient in religious knowledge. They find themselves in a new world, and become so much absorbed in the contemplation of the new objects that present themselves to their admiring gaze, that they seem almost to forget that they have any other duties to perform than those which consist in devotional exercises. If these are interrupted, they will fret and worry their minds, and wish for some employment entirely of a religious nature. They wonder how it is possible for Christians to beso cold, as to pursue their worldly employments as diligently as they do who take this world for their portion; and often you will hear them breaking out in expressions of great severity against older Christians, because they do not sympathize with them in these feelings. Their daily employments become irksome; and they are tempted even to neglect the interests of their employers, with the plea, that the service of God has the first claim upon them. But they forget that the service of God consists in the faithful performance of every social and relative duty, "as unto the Lord, and not to men," as well as the more direct devotional exercises; and that the one isas essential to the Christian character as the other. The Bible requires us to be "diligent in business," as well as "fervent in spirit;" and the religion of the Bible makes us better in all the relations of this life, as well as in our relations with God.
Young Christians are also prone to undervaluelittle things. The greater things of religion take such strong possession of their souls, that they overlook many minor things of essential importance. In seasons of special religious awakening, this mistake is very common; in consequence of which, many important interests suffer, and the derangement which follows, makes an unfavorable impression as to the influence of revivals. The spirit of the Christian religion requires that every duty should be discharged in its proper time. The beauty of the Christian character greatly depends on its symmetrical proportions. A person may be very zealous in some things, and yet quite defective in his Christian character. And the probability is, that he has no more religion than shows itself in its consistent proportions. The new energy imparted by the regenerating grace of God may unite itself with the strong points of his character, and produce a very prominent development; while, in regard to those traits of character which are naturally weak, in his constitutional temperament, grace may be scarcely perceptible. For instance, a person who is naturally bold and resolute, will be remarkable, when converted, for hismoral courage; while, perhaps, he may be very deficient inmeekness. And the one who is naturally weak and irresolute, will perhaps be remarkable for the mild virtues, but very deficient in strength and energy of character. Now, the error lies in cultivating almost exclusively those Christian graces which fall in with our prominent traits of character. We should rather bend our energies, by the grace of God, chiefly to the development of those points of character which are naturally weak, while we discipline, repress, and bring under control, thosewhich are too prominent. This will prevent deformity, and develop a uniform consistency of character.
There is, perhaps, a peculiar tendency to thisone-sidedreligion in this age of excitement and activity; and the young convert, whose Christian character is not matured, is peculiarly liable to fall into this error. The mind becomes absorbed with one object. The more exclusively this object is contemplated, the more its importance is magnified. It becomes, to his mind, themain thing. It is identified with his ideas of religion. He makes it atest of piety. Then he is prepared to regard and treat all who do not come up to his views on this point as destitute of true religion; though they may exhibit a consistency of character, in other respects, to which he is a stranger. This leads to denunciation, alienation of feeling, bitterness, and strife. But one of God's commands is as dear to him as another; and we cannot excuse ourselves before him, for disobeying one, on the ground that we practise another. The perfection of Christian character consists in the harmonious development of the Christian graces. This is what I understand by the "stature of a perfect man in Christ Jesus;" a man who has no deformity; who is complete in all his members and all his faculties. That you may attain to this, is the sincere prayer of
Your affectionate Brother.
"Marriage is honorable in all."—Heb. 13:4.
"Marriage is honorable in all."—Heb. 13:4.
My dear Sister,
Some young persons indulge a fastidiousness of feeling, in relation to the subject of marriage, as though it were indelicate to speak of it. Others make it the principal subject of their thoughts and conversation; yet they seem to think it must never be mentioned but in jest. But both these extremes should be avoided. Marriage is an ordinance of God, and therefore a proper subject of thought and discussion, with reference to personal duty. But it is a matter of great importance, having a direct hearing upon the glory of God, and the happiness of individuals. It should, therefore, never be approached with levity. But, as it requires no more attention than what is necessary in order to understand present duty, it would be foolish to make it a subject of constant thought, and silly to make it a common topic of conversation. It is a matter which should be weighed deliberately and seriously by every young person. In reference to the main subject, two things should be considered:
I.Marriage is desirable.It was ordained by the Lord, at the creation, as suited to the state of man as a social being, and necessary to the design for which he was created. Whoever, therefore, wilfully neglects it, contravenes the order of nature, and must consequently expect a diminution of those enjoyments which arise from the social state. There is a sweetness and comfort in the bosom of one's own family,which can be enjoyed nowhere else. In early life, this is supplied by our youthful companions, who feel in unison with us. But, as a person who remains single advances in life, the friends of his youth form new attachments, in which he is incapable of participating. Their feelings undergo a change, of which he knows nothing. He is gradually left alone. No heart beats in unison with his own. His social feelings wither for want of an object. As he feels not in unison with those around him, his habits also become peculiar, and perhaps repulsive; so that his company is not desired: hence arises the whimsical attachment of such persons to domestic animals, or to other objects which can be enjoyed in solitude. As the dreary winter of age advances, the solitude of his condition becomes still more chilling. Nothing but that sweet resignation to the will of God which religion gives, under all circumstances, can render such a situation tolerable. But religion does not annihilate the social affections. It only regulates them. It is evident, then, that by a lawful and proper exercise of these affections, both our happiness and usefulness may be greatly increased.
II.On the other hand, do not consider marriage as absolutely essential to happiness.Although it is an ordinance of God, yet he has not absolutely enjoined it upon all. Youmay, therefore, be in the way of duty while neglecting it. And the apostle Paul hints that there may be, with those who enter into this state, a greater tendency of the heart towards earthly objects. There is also an increase of care. "The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit; but she that is married, careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband." But much more has been made of this than the apostle intended. It has been greatly abused and perverted by the church of Rome. It must be observed that, in the same chapter, he advises that "every man have his own wife, and every woman have her own husband."And, whatever may be our condition in life, if we seek it with earnestness and perseverance, in the way of duty, God will give us grace sufficient for the day. But he says, though it is no sin to marry, nevertheless, "such shall have trouble in the flesh." It is undoubtedly true, that the enjoyments of conjugal life have their corresponding difficulties and trials; and if these are enhanced by an unhappy connection, the situation is insufferable. For this reason I would have you avoid the conclusion that marriage is indispensable to happiness. Single life is certainly to be preferred to a connection with a person who will diminish, instead of increasing, your happiness. However, the remark of the apostle, "such shall have trouble in the flesh," doubtless had reference chiefly to the peculiar troubles of the times, when Christians were exposed to persecution, the loss of goods, and even of life itself, for Christ's sake; the trials of which would be much greater in married than in single life.
Having these two principles fixed in your mind, you will be prepared calmly to consider what qualifications are requisite in a companion for life. These I shall divide into two classes: 1. Those which areindispensable. 2. Those which aredesirable. Of the first class, I see none which can be dispensed with, without so marring the character of a man as to render him an unfit associate for an intelligent Christian lady. But, although the latter are very important, yet, without possessing all of them, a person may be an agreeable companion and a man of real worth.
1.The first requisite in a companion for life is piety.I know not how a Christian can form so intimate a connection as this with one who is living in rebellion against God. You profess to love Jesus above every other object; and to forsake all, that you may follow him. How, then, could you unite your interest with one who continually rejects and abusesthe object of your soul's delight? Indeed, I am at a loss to understand how a union can be formed between the carnal and the renewed heart. They are in direct opposition to each other. The one overflows with love to God; the other is at enmity against him. How, then, can there be any congeniality of feeling? Can fire unite with water? A desire to form such a union must be a dark mark against any one's Christian character. The Scriptures are very clear and decided on this point. The intermarrying of the righteous with the wicked was the principal cause of the general corruption of the inhabitants of the old world, which provoked God to destroy them with the flood. Abraham, the father of the faithful, was careful that Isaac, the son of promise, should not take a wife from among the heathen. The same precaution was taken by Isaac and Rebecca, in relation to Jacob. The children of Israel were also expressly forbidden to make marriages with the heathen, lest they should be turned away from the Lord, to the worship of idols. And we see a mournful example of the influence of such unholy connections in the case of Solomon. Although he had been so zealous in the service of the Lord as to build him a temple—although he had even been inspired to write portions of the Holy Scriptures—yet his strange wives turned away his heart, and persuaded him to worship idols. Although we are now under a different dispensation, yetprinciplesremain the same. The union of a heathen and a Jew was, as to its effect on a pious mind, substantially the same as the union of a believer and an unbeliever; and the former would be no more likely to be drawn away from God by it than the latter. Hence we find the same principle recognized in the New Testament. The apostle Paul, speaking of the woman, says, "If her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will, only in the Lord." The phrasein the Lord, denotes being a true Christian; as will appear from other passages where the same form of expression is used. "If any manbein Christ, he is a new creature." It is plainly implied, then, in this qualifying phrase, that it is unlawful for a Christian to marry an unbeliever. The same doctrine is also taught by the same apostle in another place. "Be not ye, therefore, unequally yoked with unbelievers." In this passage the apostle lays down a general principle; which applies to all intimate associations with unbelievers. And what connection could be more intimate than this? I conclude, therefore, that it is contrary both to reason and Scripture for a Christian to marry an impenitent sinner. And, in this respect, look not only for an outward profession, but for evidence of deep-toned and devoted piety. The are many professors of religion who show very few signs of spiritual life. And there are doubtless many that make loud professions of religious experience, who know nothing of the power of godliness. Look for a person who makes religion the chief concern of his life; who is determined to live for God, and not for himself. Make this the test. Worldly-minded professors of religion are worse associates than those who make no profession. They exert a more withering influence upon the soul.
2.Another indispensable requisite is anAMIABLE DISPOSITION. Whatever good qualities a man may possess, if he is selfish, morose, sour, peevish, fretful, jealous, or passionate, he will make an uncomfortable companion. Grace may do much towards subduing these unholy tempers; yet, if they were fostered in the heart in childhood, and suffered to grow up to maturity before grace began to work, they will often break out in the family circle. However, you will find it exceedingly difficult to judge in this matter. The only direction I can give on this subject is, that, if you discover the exercise of any unhallowed passions in a man, with the opportunity you will have of observation, you may consider it conclusive evidence of a disposition which would render you miserable.
3.The person of your choice must possess aWELL-CULTIVATED MIND. In order to produce a communityof feeling, and maintain a growing interest in each other's society, both parties must possess minds well stored with useful knowledge, and capable of continued expansion. We may love an ignorant person for his piety; but we cannot long enjoy his society, as a constant companion, unless that piety is mingled with intelligence. To secure your esteem, as well as your affections, he must be capable of intelligent conversation on all subjects of general interest.
4.His sentiments and feelings on general subjects must beCONGENIALwith your own.This is a very important matter. Persons of great worth, whose views and feelings, in relation to the common concerns of life are opposite, may render each other very unhappy. Particularly, if you possess a refined sensibility yourself, you must look for delicacy of feeling in a companion. A very worthy man may render you unhappy, by an habitual disregard of your feelings. And there are many persons who seem to be utterly insensible to the tender emotions of refined delicacy. A man who would subject you to continual mortification by his coarseness and vulgarity, would be incapable of sympathizing with you in all the varied trials of life. There is no need of your being deceived on this point. If you have much delicacy of feeling yourself, you can easily discover the want of it in others. If you have not, it will not be necessary in a companion.
5.Another requisite isENERGY OF CHARACTER. Most people think some worldly prospects are indispensably necessary. But a man of energy can, by the blessing of God, make his way through this world, and support a family, in this land of plenty, by his own industry, in some lawful calling. And you may be certain of the blessing of God, if you obey and trust him. A profession or calling, pursued with energy, is therefore all the estate you need require. But do not trust yourself with a man who is inefficient in all his undertakings. This would be leaning upon a broken staff.
6.The person of your choice must beNEARLY OFYOUR OWN AGE. Should he be younger than yourself you will be tempted to look upon him as an inferior; and old age will overtake you first. I should suppose the idea of marrying a man advanced in years would be sufficiently revolting to the feelings of a young female to deter her from it. Yet such things often happen. But I consider it as contravening the order of nature, and therefore improper. In such case, you will be called upon rather to perform the office of a daughter and nurse, than a wife.
1.It is desirable that the man with whom you form a connection for life should possess aSOUND BODY. A man of vigorous constitution will be more capable of struggling with the difficulties and trials of this world, than one who is weak in body. Yet, such an erroneous system has been pursued, in the education of the generation just now coming upon the stage of action, that the health of very few sedentary persons remains unimpaired. It would, therefore, be cruel selfishness to refuse to form a connection of this kind, on this ground alone, provided they have no settled disease upon them. A person of feeble constitution requires the comfort and assistance of a companion, more than one in vigorous health. But, it certainly would not be your duty to throw yourself away upon a person already under the influence of an incurable disease.
2.Refinement of mannersis a very desirable quality in a companion for life.This renders a person's society more agreeable and pleasant, and may be the means of increasing his usefulness. Yet it will not answer to make it a test of character; for it is often the case, that men of the brightest talents, and of extensive education, who are in every other respect amiable and worthy, have neglected the cultivation of their manners; while there are very many, destitute alike of talent and education, who seem to be adeptsin the art of politeness. However, this may be cultivated. A person of good sense, who appreciates its importance, may soon acquire a courteous and pleasing address, by mingling with refined society.
3.A sound judgmentis also very necessary, to enable a man to direct the common affairs of life. However, this may also be cultivated by experience, and therefore cannot be called indispensable.
4.Prudenceis very desirable.The rashest youth, however, will learn prudence by experience. After a few falls, he will look forward before he steps that he may foresee and shun the evil that is before him; but, if you choose such a one, take care that you do not fall with him, and both of you break your necks together.
5. It is a matter of great importance that the person with whom you form a connection for life, should belong to the same denomination of Christians with yourself. The separation of a family, in their attendance upon public worship, is productive of great inconvenience and perplexity; and there is serious danger of its giving rise to unpleasant feelings, and becoming an occasion of discord. I think it should be a very serious objection against any man, that he belongs to a different communion from yourself. Yet, I dare not say that I would prefer single life to a connection of this kind.
In addition to these, your own good sense and taste will suggest many other desirable qualities in a companion for life.
Upon receiving the addresses of a man, your first object should be to ascertain whether he possesses those prominent traits of character which you consider indispensable. If he lack any one of these, you have no further inquiry to make. Inform him openly and ingenuously of your decision; but spare his feelings as far as you can consistently with Christian sincerity. He is entitled to your gratitude for the preference he has manifested for yourself. Therefore, treat him courteously and tenderly; yet let him understand thatyour decision is conclusive and final. If he possess only the feelings of a gentleman, this course will secure for you his esteem and friendship. But if you are satisfied, with respect to these prominent traits of character, next look for those qualities which you considerdesirable, though notindispensable. If you discover few or none of these, it will be a serious objection against him. But you need not expect to find them all combined in any one person. If you seek for a perfect character, you will be disappointed. In this as well as every other relation of life, you will need to exercise forbearance. The best of men are compassed about with imperfection and infirmity. Besides, as you are not perfect yourself, it would seem like a species of injustice to require perfection in a companion.
While deciding these points, keep your feelings entirely under control. Suffer them to have no influence upon your judgment. A Christian should never be governed by impulse. Many persons have, no doubt, destroyed their happiness for life, by suffering their feelings to get the better of their judgment. Make the matter a subject of daily prayer. The Lord directs all our ways, and we cannot expect to be prospered in anything, wherein we neglect to acknowledge him, and seek his direction. But, when you have satisfied yourself, in relation to these things, and the person whose addresses you are receiving has distinctly avowed his intentions, you may remove the restraint from your feelings; which, as well as your judgment, have a deep concern in the affair. A happy and prosperous union must have for its basis a mutual sentiment of affection, of a peculiar kind. If you are satisfied that this sentiment exists on his part, you are to inquire whether you can exercise it towards him. For, with many persons of great worth, whom we highly esteem, there is often wanting a certain undefinable combination of qualities, notimproperlytermed thesoul of character; which alone seems to call out the exercise of that peculiar sentiment of which weare speaking. But I seriously charge you never to form a connection which is not based upon this principle; and that, for the following reasons:
1. Such depraved creatures as we are, need the aid of the warmest affection, to enable us to exercise that mutual forbearance, so indispensable to the peace and happiness of the domestic circle.
2. That the marriage covenant should be cemented by a principle of a peculiar kind, will appear from the superiority of the soul over the body. When two human beings unite their destinies, there must be a union of soul, or else such union is but partial. And the union of soul must be the foundation of the outward union, and of course precede it.
3. We may infer the same thing from the existence of such a principle in the human breast. That it does exist, may be abundantly proved, both by Scripture and experience. When Adam first saw Eve, he declared the nature of this union, and added, "For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave unto his wife;" implying that the affection between the parties to this connection, should be superior to all other human attachments. The frown of God must then rest upon a union founded upon any other principle; for by it the order of nature is contravened, and therefore the blessings of peace and happiness cannot be expected to attend it.
However, love is not a principle which is brought into existence as it were by magic. It must always be exercised in view of an object. Do not, therefore, hastily decide that you cannot love a man who possesses the prominent traits of character necessary to render you happy. However, be fully satisfied that such a sentiment of a permanent character, does really exist in your own bosom, before you consent to a union.
In your ordinary intercourse with gentlemen, much caution should be observed. Always maintain a dignity of character, and never condescend to trifle. In your conversation, however, upon general subjects,you may exercise the same sociability and freedom which you would with ladies; not seeming to be sensible of any difference of sex. Indignantly repel any improper liberties; but never decline attentions which are considered as belonging to the rules of common politeness, unless there should be something in the character of the individual which would justify you in wishing wholly to avoid his society. Some men are so disagreeable in their attentions, and so obtrusive of their company, that they become a great annoyance to ladies. I think the latter justifiable in refusing the attentions of such men, till they learn better manners. Pay the strictest regard to propriety and delicacy, in all your conduct; yet do not maintain such a cold reserve and chilling distance, as to produce the impression in the mind of every one you meet, that you dislike his society. No gentleman of refined and delicate feelings, will intrude his company upon ladies, when he thinks it is not desired; and you may create this impression, by carrying the rules of propriety to the extreme of reserve. But the contrary extreme, of manifesting an excessive fondness for the society of gentlemen, is still more to be avoided. By cultivating an acute sense of propriety in all things, with a nice discrimination of judgment, you will be able generally to direct your conduct aright in these matters.
Never indulge feelings of partiality for any man until he has distinctly avowed his own sentiments, and you have deliberately determined the several points already mentioned. If you do you may subject yourself to much needless disquietude, and perhaps the most unpleasant disappointments. And the wounded feeling thus produced, may have an injurious effect upon your subsequent character and happiness.
I shall close this letter with a few brief remarks, of a general nature.
1. Do not suffer this subject to occupy a very prominent place in your thoughts. To be constantly ruminating upon it, can hardly fail of exerting an injurious influence upon your mind, feelings, and deportment;and you will be almost certain to betray yourself, in the society of gentlemen, and, perhaps, become the subject of merriment, as one who is anxious for a husband.
2. Do not make this a subject of common conversation. There is, perhaps, nothing which has a stronger tendency to deteriorate the social intercourse of young people than the disposition to give the subject of matrimonial alliances so prominent a place in their conversation, and to make it a matter of jesting and mirth. There are other subjects enough, in the wide fields of science, literature, and religion, to occupy the social hour, both profitably and pleasantly; and a dignified reserve on this subject will protect you from rudeness, which you will be very likely to encounter, if you indulge in jesting and raillery in regard to it.
3. Do not speak of your own private affairs of this kind, so as to have them become the subject of conversation among the circle of your acquaintances. It certainly does not add to the esteem of a young lady, among sensible people, for her to be heard talking about her beaux. Especially is this caution necessary in the case of a matrimonial engagement. Remember the old adage:
"There's many a slipBetween the cup and the lip;"
"There's many a slipBetween the cup and the lip;"
"There's many a slip
Between the cup and the lip;"
and consider how your feelings would be mortified, if, after making such an engagement generally known among your acquaintances, anything should occur to break it off. In such case, you will have wounded feeling enough to struggle with, without the additional pain of having the affair become a neighborhood talk.
4. Do not make an engagement a long time before you expect it to be consummated. Such engagements are surrounded with peril. A few years may make such changes in the characters and feelings of young persons as to destroy the fitness and congeniality of the parties; while, if the union had been consummated, they would have assimilated to each other.
In short, let me entreat you to cultivate the most delicate sense of propriety in regard to everything having the most distant relation to this matter; and let all your feelings, conversation, and conduct, be regulated upon the most elevated principles of purity, refinement, and religion; but do not carry your delicacy and reserve to the extreme ofprudery, which is an unlovely trait of character, and which adds nothing to the strength of virtue.
Your affectionate Brother.
"Having food and raiment, let us be therewith content."—1Tim. 6:8.
"Having food and raiment, let us be therewith content."—1Tim. 6:8.
My dear Sister,
The secret of all true happiness lies in a cordial acquiescence in the will of God in all things. It is
"Sweet to lie passive in his hand,And know no will but his."
"Sweet to lie passive in his hand,And know no will but his."
"Sweet to lie passive in his hand,
And know no will but his."
The great doctrine that God exercises a particular providence over every event, is most precious to the heart of every Christian. It enables him to see the hand of God, in directing all his affairs. Hence, the exceeding sinfulness of a repining, discontented, and unhappy temper. Indeed, it is difficult to reconcile the habitual indulgence of such a disposition with the existence of grace in the heart. The very first emotion of the new-born soul issubmission to the will of God.Many people lose sight of the hand of God in those little difficulties and perplexities, which are of every day occurrence, and look only at second causes. And so they often do in more important matters. When they are injured or insulted by others, they murmur and complain, and give vent to their indignation against the immediate causes of their distress; forgetting that these are only the instruments which God employs for the trial of their faith or the punishment of their sins. Thus, God permitted Satan to try the faith of Job. Thus, he permitted Shimei to curseDavid. But the answer of this godly man is worthy of being imitated by all Christians under similar circumstances. "Let him curse, because the Lord hath said unto him, curse David." Thus, also, the Lord employed the envy of Joseph's brethren, to save the lives of all his father's family. "But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive." The principal reason why the histories of the Bible are so much more instructive than other histories is, that the motives of men and the secret agency of divine Providence are brought to light. Hence, also, the reason why the events recorded in Scripture appear so marvellous. If we could see how the hand of God is concerned in all things that occur within our observation, they would appear no less wonderful.
In this doctrine, we have the strongest possible motive for a hearty and cheerful resignation to all the crosses and difficulties, trials and afflictions, which come upon us in this life, whatever may be their immediate cause. We know that they are directed by our heavenly Father, whose "tender mercies are over all his works;" and who "doth not afflict willingly, nor grieve the children of men." And, whether we are Christians or not, the duty of submission remains the same. When we consider the relation which man sustains to God, as a guilty rebel against his government, we must see that, whatever may be our earthly afflictions, so long as we are out of hell, we are the living monuments of his mercy. "Wherefore doth a living man complain, a man for the punishment of his sins."
But, if we have evidence that we are the children of God, his promises furnish the most abundant consolation, in every trial. We are assured "thatall thingswork together for good to them that love God." And of this we have many examples in the Holy Scriptures, where the darkest providences have in the end, to be fraught with the richestblessings. It was so in the case of Joseph, already mentioned. We are also taught to look upon the afflictions of this life as the faithful corrections of a kind and tender Parent. "For whom the Lord loveth, he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth." How consoling the reflection, that all our sufferings are designed to mortify and subdue our corruptions, to wean us from the world, and lead us to a more humble and constant sense of our dependence upon God. Besides, the people of God have the most comforting assurances of his presence, in affliction, if they will but trust in him. "In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy steps." "Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee:he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved." "God is our refuge and strength,a very present help in trouble: therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof." "The steps of a good man are orderedby the Lord; and he delighteth in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down; for the Lord upholdeth him with his hand." O, how ungrateful for a child of God to repine at the dealings of such a tender and faithful parent! O, the ingratitude of unbelief! Who can accuse the Lord of unfaithfulness to the least of his promises? Why, then, should we refuse to trust him, when the assurances of his watchful care and love are so full, and so abundant?
We have not only strong ground of confidence in the Lord, under the pressure of afflictions in general, but we are particularly directed to look to him for the supply of all our temporal wants. If we have evidence that we are living members of the body of Christ, growing in grace and the knowledge of him, we have the most direct and positive assurances that all things needful for this life shall be supplied. Our Saviour, after showing the folly of manifesting an anxious concernabout the supply of our temporal wants, since the Lord is so careful in feeding the fowls of the air, and clothing the lilies and the grass of the field, says,—"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you." By this, however, we are not to understand that the Lord will give us every earthly blessing which wedesire. We are so short-sighted as often to wish for things which would prove positively injurious to us. But we are to understand that he will give us all that he sees best for us. And surely we ought to be satisfied with this; for he who sees the end from the beginning must know much better than we what is for our good. The Scriptures abound with similar promises. "O fear the Lord, ye his saints; forthere is no wantto them that fear him. The young lions do lack and suffer hunger; but they that seek the Lordshall not want anygood thing." "Trust in the Lord, and do good, andverily thou shall be fed. I have been young and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread." "No good thing will he withholdfrom them that walk uprightly." "But my God shallsupply all your need, according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus." "Godliness is profitable unto all things, having promise of thelife that now is, and of that which is to come." It must, then, be a sinful distrust of the word of God, to indulge in anxious fears about the supply of our necessities. If we believed these promises, in their full extent, we should always rest in them, and never indulge an anxious thought about the things of this life. This, God requires of us. "And seek not ye what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink,neither be ye of doubtfulmind." "Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or what shall we drink? or wherewithal shall we be clothed?" "Be careful for nothing." And nothing can be more reasonable than this requirement, when he has given us such full and repeated assurances that he will supply all our wants. The silver and the gold, and thecattle upon a thousand hills, belong to our heavenly Father. When, therefore, he sees that we need any earthly blessing, he can easily order the means by which it shall be brought to us.
From the precious truths and promises which we have been considering, we infer theduty of contentmentin every situation of life. If God directs all our ways, and has promised to give us just what he sees we need, we surely ought to rest satisfied with what we have; for we know it is just what the Lord, in his infinite wisdom, and unbounded goodness, sees fit to give us. But the apostle Paul enforces this duty with direct precepts. "But godlinesswith contentment, is great gain." "Having food and raiment, let us be therewithcontent." "Be content with such things as ye have; for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee." Here he gives the promise of God, as a reason for contentment. It is, then, evidently the duty of every Christian to maintain a contented and cheerful spirit, under all circumstances. This, however, does not forbid the use of all lawful and proper means to improve our condition. But the means must be used with entire submission to the will of God. The child of God should cast all his care and burden upon him; and when he has made all suitable efforts to accomplish what he considers a good object, he must commit the whole to the Lord, with a perfect willingness that his will should be done, even to the utter disappointment of his own hopes.
Your affectionate Brother.