XXIII.THAT OF THE UNDERGROUND "SULPHUR CURE."
Sulphuric smoke doth nearly chokeThat person—more's the pity—Who does the round, by Underground,On pleasure, or on business bound,From West End to the City.At Gower Street I chanced to meet,One day, a strange old party,Who tore his hair in wild despair,Until I thought—"I would not swear,That you're not mad, my hearty.""Yes, mad,quitemad. Dear me! How sad!"I cried; for, to the porter,He did complain—"Look here! AgainNo smokefrom any single trainThat's passed within the quarter.
Sulphuric smoke doth nearly chokeThat person—more's the pity—Who does the round, by Underground,On pleasure, or on business bound,From West End to the City.At Gower Street I chanced to meet,One day, a strange old party,Who tore his hair in wild despair,Until I thought—"I would not swear,That you're not mad, my hearty.""Yes, mad,quitemad. Dear me! How sad!"I cried; for, to the porter,He did complain—"Look here! AgainNo smokefrom any single trainThat's passed within the quarter.
Sulphuric smoke doth nearly chokeThat person—more's the pity—Who does the round, by Underground,On pleasure, or on business bound,From West End to the City.
Sulphuric smoke doth nearly choke
That person—more's the pity—
Who does the round, by Underground,
On pleasure, or on business bound,
From West End to the City.
At Gower Street I chanced to meet,One day, a strange old party,Who tore his hair in wild despair,Until I thought—"I would not swear,That you're not mad, my hearty."
At Gower Street I chanced to meet,
One day, a strange old party,
Who tore his hair in wild despair,
Until I thought—"I would not swear,
That you're not mad, my hearty."
"Yes, mad,quitemad. Dear me! How sad!"I cried; for, to the porter,He did complain—"Look here! AgainNo smokefrom any single trainThat's passed within the quarter.
"Yes, mad,quitemad. Dear me! How sad!"
I cried; for, to the porter,
He did complain—"Look here! Again
No smokefrom any single train
That's passed within the quarter.
"This air's too pure!I cannot cureMy patients, if you don't, sir,Sulphuric gas allow to pass,Until it thickly coats the glass.Put up withthisI won't, sir!"I noticed then some gentlemenAnd ladies join the chatter—And dear, dear, dear, theydidlook queer!Thought I—"They're very ill, I fear;I wonder what's the matter."Surmise was vain. In came my train.I got in. "First"—a "Smoking."That motley crew—they got in too.I wondered what on earth to do,For each began a-choking.
"This air's too pure!I cannot cureMy patients, if you don't, sir,Sulphuric gas allow to pass,Until it thickly coats the glass.Put up withthisI won't, sir!"I noticed then some gentlemenAnd ladies join the chatter—And dear, dear, dear, theydidlook queer!Thought I—"They're very ill, I fear;I wonder what's the matter."Surmise was vain. In came my train.I got in. "First"—a "Smoking."That motley crew—they got in too.I wondered what on earth to do,For each began a-choking.
"This air's too pure!I cannot cureMy patients, if you don't, sir,Sulphuric gas allow to pass,Until it thickly coats the glass.Put up withthisI won't, sir!"
"This air's too pure!I cannot cure
My patients, if you don't, sir,
Sulphuric gas allow to pass,
Until it thickly coats the glass.
Put up withthisI won't, sir!"
I noticed then some gentlemenAnd ladies join the chatter—And dear, dear, dear, theydidlook queer!Thought I—"They're very ill, I fear;I wonder what's the matter."
I noticed then some gentlemen
And ladies join the chatter—
And dear, dear, dear, theydidlook queer!
Thought I—"They're very ill, I fear;
I wonder what's the matter."
Surmise was vain. In came my train.I got in. "First"—a "Smoking."That motley crew—they got in too.I wondered what on earth to do,For each began a-choking.
Surmise was vain. In came my train.
I got in. "First"—a "Smoking."
That motley crew—they got in too.
I wondered what on earth to do,
For each began a-choking.
"Pray, won't you smoke?" the old man spoke.Thought I—"He's growing madder.""I wish you would. 'Twould do them good.My card I'd hand you if I could,But have none. My name's Chadder."My patients these.Now, if you please!"He cried, in tones commanding,And gave three raps, "I think, perhaps,We'd best begin. Undo your wraps!"Thispassed my understanding."Put out your tongues! Inflate your lungs!"His patients all got ready;Their wraps thrown off, they each did doffTheir respirator—spite their cough—And took breaths long and steady."Inhale! Inhale! And do not failThe air you take to swallow!"They gasped, and wheezed, and coughed, and sneezed.Their "doctor," he looked mighty pleased.Expecting me to follow."Pray, tell me why, good sir!" gasped I,"Before I lose my senses,Why ever you such strange things do?To know this, I confess my cu-Riosity immense is."In accents mild he spoke, and smiled."Delighted! I assure you.We take the air—nay! do not stare;Should aught your normal health impair,This 'sulphur cure' will cure you."I undertake, quite well to makePatients,—whate'erthey're ailing.Each day we meet, proceeden suiteFrom Edgware Road to Gower Street,And back again—inhaling."That sulphur's good, 'tis understood,But, I would briefly mention,The simple way—as one may say,—In whichwetake it, day by day,Isquite my own invention."Profits? Ah, yes, I must confessI make a tidy bit, sir?Tho' Mr. Perkes', and Mr. Yerkes'S system—if it only works—Will put a stop to it, sir."A stifled sigh, a tear-dimmed eyeBetrayed his agitation."Down here there'll be no smoke," said he,"When run by electricity.Excuse me! Here's our station!"He fussed about, and got them out,(Those invalids I mean, sir,)Then raised his hat; I bowed at that,And then, remaining where I sat,Went on to Turnham Green, sir.
"Pray, won't you smoke?" the old man spoke.Thought I—"He's growing madder.""I wish you would. 'Twould do them good.My card I'd hand you if I could,But have none. My name's Chadder."My patients these.Now, if you please!"He cried, in tones commanding,And gave three raps, "I think, perhaps,We'd best begin. Undo your wraps!"Thispassed my understanding."Put out your tongues! Inflate your lungs!"His patients all got ready;Their wraps thrown off, they each did doffTheir respirator—spite their cough—And took breaths long and steady."Inhale! Inhale! And do not failThe air you take to swallow!"They gasped, and wheezed, and coughed, and sneezed.Their "doctor," he looked mighty pleased.Expecting me to follow."Pray, tell me why, good sir!" gasped I,"Before I lose my senses,Why ever you such strange things do?To know this, I confess my cu-Riosity immense is."In accents mild he spoke, and smiled."Delighted! I assure you.We take the air—nay! do not stare;Should aught your normal health impair,This 'sulphur cure' will cure you."I undertake, quite well to makePatients,—whate'erthey're ailing.Each day we meet, proceeden suiteFrom Edgware Road to Gower Street,And back again—inhaling."That sulphur's good, 'tis understood,But, I would briefly mention,The simple way—as one may say,—In whichwetake it, day by day,Isquite my own invention."Profits? Ah, yes, I must confessI make a tidy bit, sir?Tho' Mr. Perkes', and Mr. Yerkes'S system—if it only works—Will put a stop to it, sir."A stifled sigh, a tear-dimmed eyeBetrayed his agitation."Down here there'll be no smoke," said he,"When run by electricity.Excuse me! Here's our station!"He fussed about, and got them out,(Those invalids I mean, sir,)Then raised his hat; I bowed at that,And then, remaining where I sat,Went on to Turnham Green, sir.
"Pray, won't you smoke?" the old man spoke.Thought I—"He's growing madder.""I wish you would. 'Twould do them good.My card I'd hand you if I could,But have none. My name's Chadder.
"Pray, won't you smoke?" the old man spoke.
Thought I—"He's growing madder."
"I wish you would. 'Twould do them good.
My card I'd hand you if I could,
But have none. My name's Chadder.
"My patients these.Now, if you please!"He cried, in tones commanding,And gave three raps, "I think, perhaps,We'd best begin. Undo your wraps!"Thispassed my understanding.
"My patients these.Now, if you please!"
He cried, in tones commanding,
And gave three raps, "I think, perhaps,
We'd best begin. Undo your wraps!"
Thispassed my understanding.
"Put out your tongues! Inflate your lungs!"His patients all got ready;Their wraps thrown off, they each did doffTheir respirator—spite their cough—And took breaths long and steady.
"Put out your tongues! Inflate your lungs!"
His patients all got ready;
Their wraps thrown off, they each did doff
Their respirator—spite their cough—
And took breaths long and steady.
"Inhale! Inhale! And do not failThe air you take to swallow!"They gasped, and wheezed, and coughed, and sneezed.Their "doctor," he looked mighty pleased.Expecting me to follow.
"Inhale! Inhale! And do not fail
The air you take to swallow!"
They gasped, and wheezed, and coughed, and sneezed.
Their "doctor," he looked mighty pleased.
Expecting me to follow.
"Pray, tell me why, good sir!" gasped I,"Before I lose my senses,Why ever you such strange things do?To know this, I confess my cu-Riosity immense is."
"Pray, tell me why, good sir!" gasped I,
"Before I lose my senses,
Why ever you such strange things do?
To know this, I confess my cu-
Riosity immense is."
In accents mild he spoke, and smiled."Delighted! I assure you.We take the air—nay! do not stare;Should aught your normal health impair,This 'sulphur cure' will cure you.
In accents mild he spoke, and smiled.
"Delighted! I assure you.
We take the air—nay! do not stare;
Should aught your normal health impair,
This 'sulphur cure' will cure you.
"I undertake, quite well to makePatients,—whate'erthey're ailing.Each day we meet, proceeden suiteFrom Edgware Road to Gower Street,And back again—inhaling.
"I undertake, quite well to make
Patients,—whate'erthey're ailing.
Each day we meet, proceeden suite
From Edgware Road to Gower Street,
And back again—inhaling.
"That sulphur's good, 'tis understood,But, I would briefly mention,The simple way—as one may say,—In whichwetake it, day by day,Isquite my own invention.
"That sulphur's good, 'tis understood,
But, I would briefly mention,
The simple way—as one may say,—
In whichwetake it, day by day,
Isquite my own invention.
"Profits? Ah, yes, I must confessI make a tidy bit, sir?Tho' Mr. Perkes', and Mr. Yerkes'S system—if it only works—Will put a stop to it, sir."
"Profits? Ah, yes, I must confess
I make a tidy bit, sir?
Tho' Mr. Perkes', and Mr. Yerkes
'S system—if it only works—
Will put a stop to it, sir."
A stifled sigh, a tear-dimmed eyeBetrayed his agitation."Down here there'll be no smoke," said he,"When run by electricity.Excuse me! Here's our station!"
A stifled sigh, a tear-dimmed eye
Betrayed his agitation.
"Down here there'll be no smoke," said he,
"When run by electricity.
Excuse me! Here's our station!"
He fussed about, and got them out,(Those invalids I mean, sir,)Then raised his hat; I bowed at that,And then, remaining where I sat,Went on to Turnham Green, sir.
He fussed about, and got them out,
(Those invalids I mean, sir,)
Then raised his hat; I bowed at that,
And then, remaining where I sat,
Went on to Turnham Green, sir.