XXVIII.THAT OF THE ASTUTE NOVELIST.

Quite an ordinary personWrote an ordinary book;'Twas the first he'd ever written,So a lot of pains he took.From a two-a-penny paperHe some littlefactlets[2]culled,With some "stories of celebrities"By which the Public's gulled.Then of course he had a hero,And likewise a heroine,And a villain, and a villainess,Whose nefarious designWas most properly defeatedIn the chapter last but one,—Which described the happy ending—There you were! The thing was done.

Quite an ordinary person

Wrote an ordinary book;

'Twas the first he'd ever written,

So a lot of pains he took.

From a two-a-penny paper

He some littlefactlets[2]culled,

With some "stories of celebrities"

By which the Public's gulled.

Then of course he had a hero,And likewise a heroine,And a villain, and a villainess,Whose nefarious designWas most properly defeatedIn the chapter last but one,—Which described the happy ending—There you were! The thing was done.

Then of course he had a hero,

And likewise a heroine,

And a villain, and a villainess,

Whose nefarious design

Was most properly defeated

In the chapter last but one,—

Which described the happy ending—

There you were! The thing was done.

But, somehow, it didn't answer."Nothing strange," you'll say, "in that";And, indeed, perhaps there wasn'tVerymuch to wonder at,For the book was really neverCalculated fame to win,And the author's coat grew shabbyAnd his body very thin.

But, somehow, it didn't answer.

"Nothing strange," you'll say, "in that";

And, indeed, perhaps there wasn't

Verymuch to wonder at,

For the book was really never

Calculated fame to win,

And the author's coat grew shabby

And his body very thin.

And he pondered, and he ponderedO'er his misery and ills,Till, one day, he met a partyWho was posting up some bills."What's the matter?" asked this person,"You are looking mighty glum.Books not selling? Advertise 'em.That'sthe dodge to make things hum.""Look at 'Whatsit's Soap,' and so on!Look at 'Thingumbobby's Pills!'It's the advertising does it,And the owner's pocket fills.Puff 'em up; the Public likes it;And—(this from behind his hand)—It doesn't matter if it'sNotquitetrue,youunderstand."So the author wrote anotherBook, and brought in Tsars, and Kings,And Popes, and noble ladies—Queens, and Duchesses, and thingsAnd "the problem" of the moment;And some politics, and cram,With tit-bits of foreign languageMixed with literary jam.And in type he had it statedThat "the world was all agog"For this "epoch-making" novel,And—their memory to jog—The public had it dailyIn all kinds of sorts of waysThrust upon them, till it setTheir curiosity ablaze.And from Brixton unto Ponder's End'Twas daily talked aboutThis wonderful new novelLong, long, long before 'twas out;I forget how many hundredThousand copies have been sold;But it's brought the lucky authorNotoriety, and gold.

And he pondered, and he pondered

O'er his misery and ills,

Till, one day, he met a party

Who was posting up some bills.

"What's the matter?" asked this person,

"You are looking mighty glum.

Books not selling? Advertise 'em.

That'sthe dodge to make things hum."

"Look at 'Whatsit's Soap,' and so on!Look at 'Thingumbobby's Pills!'It's the advertising does it,And the owner's pocket fills.Puff 'em up; the Public likes it;And—(this from behind his hand)—It doesn't matter if it'sNotquitetrue,youunderstand."

"Look at 'Whatsit's Soap,' and so on!

Look at 'Thingumbobby's Pills!'

It's the advertising does it,

And the owner's pocket fills.

Puff 'em up; the Public likes it;

And—(this from behind his hand)—

It doesn't matter if it's

Notquitetrue,youunderstand."

So the author wrote anotherBook, and brought in Tsars, and Kings,And Popes, and noble ladies—Queens, and Duchesses, and thingsAnd "the problem" of the moment;And some politics, and cram,With tit-bits of foreign languageMixed with literary jam.

So the author wrote another

Book, and brought in Tsars, and Kings,

And Popes, and noble ladies—

Queens, and Duchesses, and things

And "the problem" of the moment;

And some politics, and cram,

With tit-bits of foreign language

Mixed with literary jam.

And in type he had it statedThat "the world was all agog"For this "epoch-making" novel,And—their memory to jog—The public had it dailyIn all kinds of sorts of waysThrust upon them, till it setTheir curiosity ablaze.

And in type he had it stated

That "the world was all agog"

For this "epoch-making" novel,

And—their memory to jog—

The public had it daily

In all kinds of sorts of ways

Thrust upon them, till it set

Their curiosity ablaze.

And from Brixton unto Ponder's End'Twas daily talked aboutThis wonderful new novelLong, long, long before 'twas out;I forget how many hundredThousand copies have been sold;But it's brought the lucky authorNotoriety, and gold.

And from Brixton unto Ponder's End

'Twas daily talked about

This wonderful new novel

Long, long, long before 'twas out;

I forget how many hundred

Thousand copies have been sold;

But it's brought the lucky author

Notoriety, and gold.

This judicious advertisingHas indeed brought him success;He's the "lion" of the momentIn Society (big S).It is even said that Royalty——But there! I mustn't say,Forhe'll tell you all about itIn another book some day.

This judicious advertising

Has indeed brought him success;

He's the "lion" of the moment

In Society (big S).

It is even said that Royalty——

But there! I mustn't say,

Forhe'll tell you all about it

In another book some day.

2.Afactletisnearlya fact.

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