Caterpillar
You! Who are you?
Alice
I think you ought to tell me who you are, first.
Caterpillar
Why?
[AsAliceturns away.]
Come back. I’ve something important to say.
[Alicecomes back.]
Keep your temper.
Alice
Is that all?
Caterpillar
No.
[He puffs at the hookah in silence; finally takes it out of his mouth and unfolds his arms.]
So you think you’re changed, do you?
Alice
I’m afraid I am, Sir; I don’t keep the same size.
Caterpillar
What size do you want to be?
Alice
I don’t know. At least I’ve never been so small as a caterpillar.
Caterpillar
[Rears angrily.]
It is a very good height indeed.
Alice
But I’m not used to it; I wish you wouldn’t all be so easily offended.
Caterpillar
You’ll get used to it in time.
Alice
Are you too big or am I too small?
[She compares her height wonderingly with the tall flowers.]
Caterpillar
[Looks at her sleepily, yawns, shakes himself, slides down from the mushroom and crawls slowly away.]
One side will make you grow taller, and the other side will make you grow shorter.
Alice
One side of what? The other side of what?
Caterpillar
Of the mushroom.
[Alicehesitates, then embraces mushroom and picks bit from each side.]
[Three gardeners representing spades enter carrying brushes and red paint cans.]
Two-Spot
Look out now, Five. Don’t go splashing paint over me like that.
Five-Spot
I couldn’t help it. Seven jogged my elbow.
Seven-Spot
That’s right, Five, always lay the blame on others.
Five-Spot
You’d better not talk. I heard the Queen say only yesterday you deserved to be beheaded.
Two-Spot
What for?
Seven-Spot
That’s none of your business, Two.
Five-Spot
Yes, it is his business, and I’ll tell him. It was for bringing the cook tulip roots instead of onions.
Seven-Spot
Well, of all the unjust things—
[SeesAlice;others look around, all bow.]
Alice
Could you please tell me what side to eat?
[FiveandSevenlook atTwo.]
Two-Spot
I don’t know anything about it.
[He paints a white rose, red.]
You ought to have been red, we put you in by mistake, and if the Queen was to find it out we should all have our heads cut off.
[A thumping is heard off stage and the music grows louder and louder.]
Alice
What’s that?
Five-Spot
The White Chess Queen.
Seven-Spot
Don’t let her see what we are doing.
Two-Spot
She’ll tell on us.
Seven-Spot
Run out and stop her from coming here.
Five-Spot
[ToAliceas she runs to the right.]
No, no, the other way.
Alice
But she’s off there!
Two-Spot
You can only meet her by walking the other way.
Alice
Oh! what nonsense.
All the Gardeners
Go the other way!
Alice
[Re-enters in dismay and dashes out to the left.]
She’s running away from me.
[TheWhite Queenbacks in from right andAlicebacks in from left. They meet. The gardeners cry “The Queen” and throw themselves flat upon the ground; their backs are like the backs of the rest of the pack. Music stops.Alicelooks at theQueencuriously.]
Alice
Oh, there you are! Why, I’m just the size I was when I saw you last.
White Queen
Of course you are, and who are these? I can’t tell them by their backs.
[She turns them over with her foot.]
Turn over. Ah! I thought so! Get up! What have you been doing here?
Two-Spot
May it please your Majesty, we were trying—
White Queen
[Examines rose.]
I see! Begone, or I’ll send the horses after you, and tell the Queen of Hearts.
[Gardenersrush off. TheRed Queenenters.Alicehas gone to the mushroom again to look at its sides and there to her amazement finds a gold crown and scepter, which she immediately appropriates. Music. TheQueenswatchAlicesuperciliously.Aliceputs on her crown, proudly exclaiming in great elation, “Queen Alice,” and walks down stage bowing right and left to the homage of imaginary subjects. She repeats as if scarcely daring to believe it true, “Queen Alice.” Music stops.]
Red Queen
Ridiculous!
Alice
Isn’t this the Eighth Square?
Red Queen
You can’t be a Queen, you know, till you’ve passed the proper examination.
White Queen
The sooner we begin it, the better.
Alice
Please, would you tell me—
Red Queen
Speak when you’re spoken to.
Alice
But if everybody obeyed that rule, and if you only spoke when you were spoken to, and the other person always waited for you to begin, you see nobody would ever say anything, so that—
Red Queen
Preposterous.
Alice
I only said “if.”
Red Queen
She says she only said “if.”
White Queen
[Moans and wrings her hands.]
But she said a great deal more than that. Ah, yes, so much more than that.
Red Queen
So you did, you know; always speak the truth—think before you speak—and write it down afterwards.
Alice
I’m sure I didn’t mean—
Red Queen
That’s just what I complained of. Youshouldhave meant! What do you suppose is the use of a child without any meaning? Even a joke should have some meaning—and a child’s more important than a joke, I hope. You couldn’t deny that, even if you tried with both hands.
Alice
I don’t deny things with myhands.
Red Queen
Nobody said you did. I said you couldn’t if you tried.
White Queen
She’s in that state of mind, that she wants to denysomething—only she doesn’t know what to deny!
Red Queen
A nasty, vicious temper. I invite you to Alice’s dinner party this afternoon.
White Queen
And I inviteyou.
Alice
I didn’t know I was to have a party at all; but if there is to be one, I think I ought to invite the guests.
Red Queen
We gave you the opportunity of doing it, but I dare say you’ve not had many lessons in manners yet.
Alice
Manners are not taught in lessons; lessons teach you to do sums, and things of that sort.
White Queen
Can you do addition? What’s one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one?
Alice
I don’t know. I lost count.
Red Queen
She can’t do addition; can you do subtraction? Take nine from eight.
Alice
Nine from eight I can’t, you know, but—
White Queen
She can’t do subtraction. Can you do division? Divide a loaf by a knife—what’s the answer to that?
Alice
I suppose—
Red Queen
[Answers for her.]
Bread and butter, of course. Try another subtraction sum. Take a bone from a dog; what remains?
Alice
The bone wouldn’t remain, of course, if I took it—and the dog wouldn’t remain; it would come to bite me—and I’m sure I shouldn’t remain.
Red Queen
Then you think nothing would remain?
Alice
I think that’s the answer.
Red Queen
Wrong as usual; the dog’s temper would remain.
Alice
But I don’t see how—
Red Queen
Why, look here; the dog would lose its temper, wouldn’t it?
Alice
Perhaps it would.
Red Queen
Then if the dog went away, its temper would remain!
Alice
They might go different ways! What dreadful nonsense wearetalking.
Both Queens
She can’t do sums a bit!
Alice
Canyoudo sums?
White Queen
I can do addition, if you give me time—but I can’t dosubtractionunderanycircumstances.
Red Queen
Of course you know your A, B, C?
Alice
To be sure I do.
White Queen
So do I; we’ll often say it over together, dear. And I’ll tell you a secret—I can read words of one letter. Isn’t that grand? However, don’t be discouraged. You’ll come to it in time.
Red Queen
Can you answer useful questions? How is bread made?
Alice
I knowthat! You take some flour—
White Queen
Where do you pick the flower? In a garden or in the hedges?
Alice
Well, it isn’tpickedat all. It’s ground—
White Queen
How many acres of ground? You mustn’t leave out so many things.
Red Queen
Fan her head! She’ll be feverish after so much thinking.
[They fan her with bunches of leaves which blow her hair wildly.]
Alice
Please—please—
Red Queen
She’s all right again now. Do you know languages? What’s the French for fiddle-de-dee?
Alice
Fiddle-de-dee’s not English.
Red Queen
Who ever said it was?
Alice
If you tell me what language fiddle-de-dee is, I’ll tell you the French for it!
Red Queen
Queens never make bargains!
Alice
I wish Queens never asked questions!
White Queen
Don’t let us quarrel; what is the cause of lightning?
Alice
The cause of lightning is the thunder—no, no! I meant the other way.
Red Queen
It’s too late to correct it; when you’ve once said a thing, that fixes it, and you must take the consequences.
White Queen
We hadsucha thunderstorm next Tuesday, you can’t think.
Red Queen
Shenevercould, you know.
White Queen
Part of the roof came off, and ever so much thunder got in—and it went rolling round the room in great lumps—and knocking over the tables and things—till I was so frightened, I couldn’t remember my own name!
Alice
I never shouldtryto remember my name in the middle of an accident. Where would be the use of it?
Red Queen
You must excuse her. She means well, but she can’t help saying foolish things, as a general rule. She never was really well brought up, but it’s amazing how good tempered she is! Pat her on the head, and see how pleased she’ll be! A little kindness and putting her hair in papers would do wonders with her.
White Queen
[Gives a deep sigh and leans her head onAlice’sshoulder.]
Iamso sleepy!
Red Queen
She’s tired, poor thing; smooth her hair—lend her your night cap—and sing her a soothing lullaby.
Alice
I haven’t got a night cap with me, and I don’t know any soothing lullabies.
Larger Image
Alice: Do wake up, you heavy things!
Red Queen
I must do it myself, then.
Hush-a-by lady, in Alice’s lap!Till the feast’s ready, we’ve time for a nap;When the feast’s over, we’ll go to the ball—Red Queen and White Queen and Alice and all!
And now you know the words.
[She puts her head onAlice’sother shoulder.]
Just sing it through tome. I’m getting sleepy too.
[Both queens fall fast asleep and snore loudly.]
Alice
WhatamI to do? Take care of two Queens asleep at once? Do wake up, you heavy things!
[All lights go out, leaving a mysterious glow onAliceand the queens.]
White Rabbit
[Blows trumpet off stage.]
The trial’s beginning!
Alice
What trial is it?
White Rabbit
Who stole the tarts.
Alice
I ate a tart.
White Rabbit
You’ve got to be tried.
Alice
I don’t want to be tried.
White Rabbit
You’ve got to be tried.
Alice
I won’t be tried—I won’t-I won’t!
SCENE TWO
Is a court room suggesting playing cards. The jurymen are all kinds of creatures. TheKingandQueen of Heartsare seated on the throne. TheKnaveis before them in chains. TheWhite Rabbithas a trumpet in one hand, and a scroll of parchment in the other. In the middle of the court stands a table with a large dish of tarts upon it.
White Rabbit
[Blows three blasts on his trumpet.]
Silence in the court!
Alice
[Watches jurymen writing busily on their slates.]
What are they doing? They can’t have anything to put down yet, before the trial’s begun.
Knave
They’re putting down their names for fear they should forget them before the end of the trial.
Alice
Stupid things!
White Rabbit
Silence in the court!
Jurors
[Write in chorus.]
Stupid things!
One Juror
How do you spell stupid?
Alice
A nice muddle their slates will be in before the trial’s over.
Queen
There’s a pencil squeaking. Cut it down!
Jurors
[In chorus as they write.]
Squeaking—
King
[Wears a crown over his wig; puts on his spectacles as he says.]
Herald, read the accusation!
White Rabbit
[Blows three blasts on his trumpet, unrolls parchment scroll and reads to music.]
The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts,All on a summer day;The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts,And took them quite away!
King
Consider your verdict!
White Rabbit
Not yet, not yet; there’s a great deal to come before that.
King
Call the first witness.
White Rabbit
First witness!
Hatter
[Comes in with a teacup in one hand and a piece of bread and butter in the other.]
I beg your pardon, your Majesty, for bringing these in, but I hadn’t quite finished my tea when I was sent for.
King
You ought to have finished; when did you begin?
Hatter
[Looks at theMarch Hare,who follows him arm-in-arm with theDormouse.]
Fourteenth of March, Ithinkit was.
March Hare
Fifteenth.
Dormouse
Sixteenth.
King
Write that down.
Jury
Fourteen, fifteen, sixteen—forty-five. Reduce that to shillings—
King
Take off your hat.
Hatter
It isn’t mine.
King
Stolen!
Jury
Stolen!
Hatter
I keep them to sell. I’ve none of my own. I’m a hatter.
Queen of Hearts
[Puts on her spectacles and stares atHatter,who fidgets uncomfortably.]
King
Give your evidence and don’t be nervous, or I’ll have you executed on the spot.
[TheHattercontinues to shift nervously from one foot to the other, looks uneasily at theQueen, trembles so that he shakes off both of his shoes, and in his confusion bites a large piece out of his teacup instead of the bread and butter.]
Hatter
I’m a poor man, your Majesty, and I hadn’t but just begun my tea—not above a week or so—and what with the bread and butter getting so thin—and the twinkling of the tea—
King
The twinkling ofwhat?
Hatter
It began with the tea.
King
Of course twinkling begins with a T. Do you take me for a dunce? Go on!
Hatter
I’m a poor man and most things twinkled after that—only the March Hare said—
March Hare
I didn’t!
Hatter
You did.
March Hare
I deny it.
King
He denies it; leave out that part.
Queen
But what did the Dormouse say?
Hatter
That I can’t remember.
King
Youmustremember or I’ll have you executed.
Hatter
[Drops teacup and bread and butter and goes down on one knee.]
I’m a poor man, your Majesty.
King
If that’s all you know about it you may stand down.
Hatter
I can’t go no lower; I’m on the floor as it is.
King
Then you may sit down.
Hatter
I’d rather finish my tea.
King
You may go.
[TheHattergoes out hurriedly, leaving one of his shoes behind.]
Queen
[Nonchalantly to an officer.]
And just take his head off outside.
[But theHatterwas out of sight before the officer could get to the door.]
King
Call the next witness!
White Rabbit
Next witness!
[TheDuchessenters with a pepper pot, which she shakes about. Everybody begins to sneeze.March Haresneezes and rushes out.]
King
Give your evidence!
Duchess
Shan’t!
White Rabbit
Your Majesty must cross-examinethiswitness.
King
Well, if I must, I must. What does your cook say tarts are made of?
Duchess
Pepper.
[TheDuchessshakes the pot and the court sneezes.]
Dormouse
Treacle!
[TheDuchessshakes the pot at him. He sneezes for the first time.]
Queen
Collar the Dormouse! Behead the Dormouse! Turn that Dormouse out of court! Suppress him! Pinch him! Off with his whiskers!
[The whole court is in confusion, turning theDormouseout, and while it is settling down again theDuchessdisappears.]
White Rabbit
The Duchess!
Court
She’s gone—she’s gone.
King
Never mind!
[In a low tone to theQueen.]
Really, my dear,youmust cross-examine the next witness. It quite makes my forehead ache! Call the next witness!
White Rabbit
[Fumbles with the parchment, then cries in a shrill little voice.]
Alice!
Alice
Here!
King
What do you know about this business?
Alice
Nothing whatever.
King
[To the jury.]
That’s very important.
White Rabbit
Unimportant, your Majesty means, of course.
King
Unimportant, of course I meant. Important—unimportant—unimportant—important. Consider your verdict!
[Some of the jury write “important” and some write “unimportant.”]
White Rabbit
There’s more evidence to come yet, please your Majesty; this paper has just been picked up.
Queen
What’s in it?
White Rabbit
[Fumbles with a huge envelope.]
I haven’t opened it yet, but it seems to be a letter, written by the prisoner to—to somebody.
King
It must have been that unless it was written to nobody, which isn’t usual, you know.
Alice
Who is it directed to?
White Rabbit
It isn’t directed at all; in fact, there’s nothing written on theoutside.
[Takes out a tiny piece of paper.]
It isn’t a letter at all; it’s a set of verses.
Queen
Are they in the prisoner’s handwriting?
[The jury brightens up.]
White Rabbit
[Looks at theKnave’shand.Knavehides his hand; the chains rattle.]
No, they’re not, and that’s the queerest thing about it.
[The jury looks puzzled.]
King
He must have imitated somebody else’s hand!
Knave
Please, your Majesty, I didn’t write it and they can’t prove I did; there’s no name signed at the end.
King
If you didn’t sign it that only makes the matter worse. Youmusthave meant some mischief, or else you’d have signed your name like an honest man.
[At this there is a general clapping of hands.]
Queen
Thatproveshis guilt.
Alice
It proves nothing of the sort! Why, you don’t even know what they’re about.
King
Read them!
White Rabbit
[Puts on his monocle.]
Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?
King
Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end, then stop.
White Rabbit
“They told me you had been to her,And mentioned me to him;She gave me a good character,But said I could not swim.“I gave her one, they gave him two,You gave us three or more;They all returned from him to you,Though they were mine before.“My notion was that you had been(Before she had this fit)An obstacle that came betweenHim, and ourselves, and it.“Don’t let him know she liked him best,For this must ever beA secret, kept from all the rest,Between yourself and me.”
King
That’s the most important piece of evidence we’ve heard yet; so now let the jury—
Alice
If anyone of them can explain it, I’ll give him sixpence. I don’t believe there’s an atom of meaning in it.
Jury
She doesn’t believe there’s an atom of meaning in it.
King
If there’s no meaning in it, that saves a world of trouble, you know, as we needn’t try to find any. And yet I don’t know.
[Spreads out the verses on his knee and studies them.]
I seem to see some meaning after all. “Said I could not swim.” You can’t swim, can you?
Knave
[Shakes his head sadly and points to his suit.]
Do I look like it?
King
All right, so far; “We know it to be true,” that’s the jury, of course; “I gave her one, they gave him two” why that must be what he did with the tarts, you know—
Alice
But it goes on “they all returned fromhimtoyou.”
King
[Triumphantly pointing to the tarts.]
Why, there they are! Nothing can be clearer than that. Then again, “before she had this fit,” you never had fits, my dear, I think?
Queen
Never!
King
Then the words don’tfityou.
[There is dead silence, while theKinglooks around at the court with a smile.]
King
It’s a pun!
[Everybody laughs. Music.]
King
Let the jury consider their verdict.
Queen
No, no! Sentence first—verdict afterwards.
Alice
Stuff and nonsense!
Queen
[Furiously.]
Hold your tongue!
Alice
I won’t!
Queen
Off with her head!
Alice
Who cares for you?
Queen
Cut it off!
Alice
You’re nothing but a pack of cards!
[As lights go out and curtain falls all the characters hold their positions as if petrified.]
CURTAIN
SCENE THREE
[The curtain rises to showAlicestill asleep in the armchair, the fire in the grate suffusing her with its glow.]
Carroll
Wake up, Alice, it is time for tea.
[Off stage the characters repeat their most characteristic lines, “Off with her head,” “Consider your verdict,” “Oh! my fur and whiskers”; theDuchesssneezes, the cat cries,as if the characters were fading away into the pack of real playing cards which shower through the mirror all overAlice.There is music.]
Alice
[Wakes, rises, and looks about in surprise and wonderment.]
Why——it was a dream!
CURTAIN
Text of title page:
AliceinWonderland
A dramatization of Lewis Carroll’s“Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland” and“Through the Looking Glass”
byAlice GerstenbergAuthor of“The Conscience of Sarah Platt”,“Unquenched Fire,” “A Little World,” etc.
ChicagoA.C.Mc.Clurg & Co.1915