A parish clerk in the north of England, not long ago, hired a Scotchman for his servant, who was to go to the cart and plough, and do other occasional jobs when wanted. In the course of conversation at hiring, the clerk asked him, if he could submit to the unpleasant business of digging graves; to which he exclaimed, "I'll warrant ye, maister, I could dig doon the kirk for that matter; but let me see, I hasn't been put to that wark yet; aye, our auld bellman at Jedburgh used to say, he never had better pay nor better jobs than howking holes for fowk—faith he was aye merry when folk dee'd." It happened soon after entering on his service, that there was a severe storm of snow, which impeded all out-door work. One morning he came to his master, and asked him what employment he was to go to that day. The employer hesitated for some moments, and at last told him, hecould find nothing for him to do. Sawney, with great gravity, replied, "I think, maister, I'll awa up to the kirkyard an' howk some graves; we may as weel hae a wheen ready, for they may come faster in when they ken we are prepared for them."
An English gentleman on a tour through Scotland, was unfortunately accompanied by wet weather most of the time When he set out from Glasgow to Greenock, the morning was very fine. However, before he had proceeded half way, he was overtaken by a heavy shower. "Boy," says he to a little fellow herding near the road-side, "does it always rain in this country!" "Na," replied the boy, "it sometimes snaws."
A master tailor in Glasgow, lately reading the newspapers to his family, and when expressing the title "Liberty of the Press in France," one of his daughters interrupted him by asking what the liberty of the press meant? "I'll soon answer that question," said he: "You know when your mother goes out, and leaves the key in the cupboard door, where the bread, butter, and sugar lies, then you have access—That's the liberty o' the press."
A Scottish Laird and his man Donald, travelling southward; at the first English Inn, the room in where they were to sleep contained a bed for the master and a truckle for the man, which drew forth from beneath the larger couch. Such furniture being new to the Highlanders, they mistook the four-posted pavilion for the two beds, and the Laird mounted the tester, while the man occupied the comfortable lodging below. Finding himself wretchedly cold in the night, the Laird called to Donald to know how he was accommodated. "Ne'er sae weel a' my life," quoth the gilly. "Ha, mon,"exclaimed the Laird, "if it wasna for the honour of the thing, I could find in my heart to come down."
A Highland Drover passing through a certain town, noticed a sign-board above an entry, with the following inscription:—
Green Teas, Raw Sugars, Marmalades, Jellies,Capped Biscuits, and all sorts ofConfectionery Goodssold down this entry,read it as follows:—Green Trees, Raw Sodgers, Mermaids, Jades.Scabbed Bitches, and all sorts ofConfusionery Goods,sold down this entry.
A person extremely hard of hearing, travelling between Paisley and Greenock on horseback, some time since, had occasion to come off his horse, when the reins slipped from among his fingers: the horse finding himself at liberty immediately ran off. The deaf man quickly followed, determined to inquire at all he met if they had seen his horse. The night was very dark; however, he had not gone far till he met with two men, whom he accosted with, "Did you see a horse without a rider?" when he was immediately collared. He thought it diversion; says he, "That's no a way to use a man in the dark;" and endeavouring to shake himself clear, when instead of slackening their hold they took fresh and firmer holds, and no doubt used violent language, of which his deafness deprived him of hearing; seeing all attempts to get clear fruitless, and dreading they had nothing in view but an intention to rob him, it instantly occurred to him his having an ear trumpet sticking in the top of his boot, which he used in conversation. He immediately pulledit up, laid the muzzle of it across the fellow's arm, and exclaimed, "If you don't let go your grups I'll blaw your brains out in a moment!" They jumped over a hedge, and were put of sight in an instant, the deaf man called after them, "Set aff, set aff, my lads or I'll be the death o' baith o' you, learn never to meddle wi' a man i' the dark, for ye dinna ken what deadly weapons he carries."
Will, one day, upon his journey to Eglinton Castle to pay his regular daily visit, met his Lordship, who seemed not to notice him. The Earl being only on a walk of pleasure through his policies, soon came in contact with Will again sitting at the bottom of a tree, picking a huge bone. "Ay, ay;" says the Earl, "what this you've got noo, Will." "Ay, ay," says Will, "anew o' frien's whan folk has ocht: ye gaed by me awee sin' an' ne'er loot on ye saw me."
A slater being employed by a gentleman to repair his house in the country, took along with him a prentice, when they set to work, and continued to work for some days. The gentleman having no conception the job was to be of such duration, came out one morning, and found the apprentice at work alone, when he expressed himself as surprised at the continuation of them working so long, and inquired what had become of his master, to which the boy replied, "He's awa to Glasgow to look for a job, and if he got ane, this ane would be done the morn, and if he didna get ane, he didna ken when it would be done."
A celebrated attendant upon the sheriff, well known for his activity in the execution of his orders, as well as for taking a bit comfortable guzzle when finances would afford it, was one Sabbath day snugly seated in a pew behind the bailies at church. Will had not been there long till he wassoon lulled into a sweet slumber, and found himself seated along with his companions over a good imperial half-mutchkin; and in a short time the reckoning came a-paying when some of the party insisted it was already paid. However, Will happened not to be of that opinion, and true to his integrity, bawled out with all his might in the midst of the sermon, "No, no, by my faith it's no pay't, we have had just ae half-mutchkin, an' twa bottles o' ale, an' there's no a fardin o't pay't."
The grave-digger of Sorn, Ayrshire, was as selfish and as mean a sinner as ever handled mattock or carried mortcloth. He was a very querulous and discontented old man, with a voice like the whistle of the wind through a key-hole. On a bleak Sunday afternoon in the country, an acquaintance from a neighbouring parish accosted him one day, and asked how the world was moving with him. "Oh, very puirly, sir, very puirly indeed," was the answer, "the yard has done nothing ava for us this summer,—if you like to believe me I havena buriet a leevin' soul this sax weeks."
A parrot perched upon a pole at a cottage door, beaking itself in the sun, was observed by a rapacious hawk, which happened to be passing over it, suddenly dived down and seized poor Poll by the back; away the hawk flew with his prey. When passing over a garden Poll observed his old friend the gardener, and exclaimed, "I'm ridin' noo, John Laurie." Hawky alarmed at hearing a voice so near, darted into a tree for safety, when after recovering a little, commenced to devour poor Poll, when it roared out with all its might, "Will you bite, you rascal." The hawk terrified out of its wits, flew off with a birr, leaving Poll to proceed homewards at pleasure.
Daft Will Callander lived with his sister Babie, in Port-Glasgow. Babie kept a lodging-house for sailors. One Saturday night Babie was making a Haggis for Sunday's dinner, when one of her lodgers put four ounces of quick-silver into the haggis unknown to Babie. On Sunday Will was left at home to cook the dinner; but when the pot began to boil, the haggis would be out of the pot. Will, faithful to his charge, held the lid on the pot until his patience was exhausted; at last Will ran off to the church for Babie. She sat in one of the back pews. Will beckoned to her two or three times; Babie as often nodded and winked to Will to be quiet. At last he bawled out, "Babie, come hame, for I believe the de'il's got into the haggis, it'll no bide in the pat; it's out dancing on the floor, and if I had not locked the door, I think it would have been at the kirk as soon's mysel."
An old bachelor who lived in a very economical style, both as regards food and clothing, and not altogether so very trig as some bachelors sometimes appear, was frequently attacked by his acquaintances on the propriety of taking a wife. He was very smartly set upon one day, and told how snod a wife would keep him, and many other fine things to induce him to take a wife, and among the rest, what a comfort it would be to him, if it was for naething else but to make his parritch in the morning. Says he, "I dinna doubt but she wad mak my parritch, but the plague is, she wad be fair to sup the hauf o' them."
Donald M'Gregor, a notorious sheep-lifter (alias sheep-stealer), in the north Highlands, being at last overtaken by the grim tyrant of the human race, was visited by the minister of the parish, whose appearance, however, was byno means agreeable to Donald. The holy man warmly exhorted the dying Highlander to reflect upon the long and black catalogue of his sins, before it was too late, otherwise he would have a tremendous account to give at the great day of retribution, when all the crimes he had committed in this world would appear in dreadful array, as evidence of his guilt. "Och! sir," cries the dying man, "an' will a' the sheeps an' the cows, an' ilka thing Tonal has helped hersel to, be there?" "Undoubtedly," replied the parson. "Then let ilka shentleman tak her nain, an' Tonal will be an honest man again."
A West Indian who had a remarkably fiery nose, having fallen asleep in his chair, a negro boy who was waiting, observed a musquito hovering round his face. Quasi eyed the insect very attentively; at last he saw him alight on his master's nose, and immediately fly off. "Ah! bless your heart," exclaimed the negro, "me right glad see you burn your foot."
A Highlander who sold brooms, went into a barber's shop in Glasgow a few days since to get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and after having shaved him, asked the price of it. "Twopence," said the Highlander. "No, no," said the barber, "I'll give you a penny, if that does not satisfy you take your broom again." The Highlander took it, and asked what he had got to pay? "A penny," said strap. "I'll gie you a bawbee," said Duncan, "an' if that dinna satisfy ye, put on my beard again."
The following is preserved traditionally as the grace of the farmer of Kellochsyde, or Killocsyde, in Clydesdale:—"O Lord, we'r ay gangan, an we'r ay gettan. We soud ay be coman to thee, but we'r ay forgettan. We leive in the gude mailen o' Kellochsyde, suppan thy gude peisie kale, puirsinfou sons of evil that we are. Monie mercies we receive gude trowth; and we're little thankfou for them, gude feth Janet, rax by the spunes, and a' praise and glory sall be thine. Amen."
A Highland piper having a scholar to teach, disdained to crack his mind with the names of semibreves, minims, crotchets, and quivers—"Here, Donald," said he, "tak your pipies, lad, and gi's a blast—so, very weel blaun indeed; but what is sound Donald without sense?—ye may blaw for ever, without makin' a tune o't, if I dinna tell you how thae queer things on the paper maun help you—you see that big fellow wi' a round open face (pointing to a semibreve between the two lines of the bar), he moves slowly, slowly, from that line to this, while you beat ane wi' your fit, and gi'e a blast: if now ye put a leg to him, ye mak' twa o' him and he'll move twice as fast; gif ye black his face, he'll rin four times faster than the fallow wi' the white face; but if, after blackin' his face, ye'll bend his knee, or tie his legs, he'll trop eight times faster than the white faced chap that I showed you first. Now, whene'er you blaw your pipes, Donald, remember this, the tighter the fallow's legs are tied, the faster they will rin, and the quicker they are sure to dance."
A Parson in the country taking his text in St. Matthew, chapter viii. verse 14, "And Peter's wife's mother lay sick of a fever," preached for three Sundays together on the same subject. Soon after two fellows going across the churchyard, and hearing the bell toll, one asked the other who it was for. "Nay I can't tell; perhaps," replied he, "it's for Peter's wife's mother, for she has been sick of a fever these three weeks."
About the year thretty-sax, a company differed "Whether it was better for a man to ha'e sons or dochters." They could not 'gree, but disputed itproandcon. At last one of them said to Graham of Kinross (wha hadna yoked wi' them in the argument), "Laird, what's your opinion?" Quo' he, "I had three lads and three lassies; I watna whilk o' them I liked best say lang as they sucket their mither; but de'll ha'e my share o' the callants when they cam to suck their father."
At an examination of a school in Edinburgh, a gentleman asked one of the scholars by what name they called property that descended from a father? "Patrimony," answered the scholar; "And what do you call it when descended from a mother?" "Matrimony," was the reply.
One of the town's officers of Ayr was struck severely by accident on the head by his wife. After the fray was adjusted, the wife said to her husband, "Henry, had I killed you, and I been hanged for it, would you marry Kate M'Lauchlan?"
An honest Highlander walking along Holborn, heard a cry, "Rogue Scot, Rogue Scot." His northern blood fired at the insult, drew his broad sword, looking round him on every side to discover the object of indignation. At last he found it came from a parrot, perched on a balcony within his reach, but the generous Scot disdaining to stain his trusty blade with such ignoble blood, put up his sword again, with a sour smile, saying, "Gin ye were a man, as ye're a green geese, I would split your weem."
An Irishman one day was walking on the streets of Belfast, found a light guinea, and got 18s. for it. Next day he waswalking, and sees another, and says, "Allelieu, dear honey, I'll have nothing to do with you, for I lost 3s. by your brother yesterday."
In a party of ladies, on it being reported that a Captain Silk had arrived in town, they exclaimed, with one exception, "What a name for a soldier!" "The fittest name in the world," replied a witty female, "for Silk can never be Worsted."
A Farmer's son, who had been some time at the university, came home to visit his father and mother; and being one night with the old folks at supper on a couple of fowls, he told them, that by the rules of logic and arithmetic, he could prove these two fowls to be three. "Well, let us hear," said the old man. "Why, this," said the scholar, "is one and this," continued he, "is two; two and one, you know, make three." "Since you ha'e made it out sae weel," answered the old man, "your mother shall ha'e the first fowl, I'll ha'e the second, and the third you may keep to yoursel."
A Clergyman who wished to know whether the children of the parishioners understood their Bibles, asked a lad that he one day found reading the Old Testament, who was the wickedest man? "Moses, to be sure," said the boy. "Moses!" exclaimed the parson, "how can that be?" "Why," said the lad, "because he broke all the commandments at once."
A Leith merchant being on his usual ride to the south, came to the ford of a dark river, at the side of which a boy was diverting himself. The traveller addressed him as follows:—"Is this water deep?" "Ay, gaen deep," answeredthe boy. "Is there ever any person lost here?" "No," replied the boy, "there was never any lost; there has been some drowned, but we aye get them again."
A certain son of St. Crispian, who resides in Paisley, lifting up his four cornered hat the other morning in a hurry, found it filled with his wife's fal-de-ral-lals; in a fit of wrath he exclaimed "Gudesake, Janet, what the de'il gars you stap a' the trash in the house intil a body's hat." "Trash, indeed!" exclaimed the indignant spouse, "stap it on your ain head, and the biggest trash in the house'll be in't."
A Scotchman and an Irishman were sleeping at an inn together. The weather being rather warm, the Scotchman in his sleep put his leg out of the bed. A traveller, in passing the room door, saw him in this situation, and having a mind for a frolic, gently fixed a spur upon Sawney's heel; who drawing his leg into the bed, so disturbed his companion, that he exclaimed, "Arrah, honey, have a care of your great toe, for you have forgot to cut your nails I belaiv." The Scotchman being sound asleep, and sometimes, perhaps, not a little disturbed by other companies, still kept scratching poor Pat, till his patience being quite spent, he succeeded in rousing Sawney, who, not a little surprised at finding the spur on his heel, loudly exclaimed, "De'il tak' the daft chiel of a hostler, he's ta'en my boots aff last night and left on the spur."
A person who resides in the ancient town of Kilwinning, was proverbial for his liberality in meat and drink to friends and acquaintances. Strangers, too, seldom passed without experiencing a due share of kindness. Lately while feasting nearly a dozen of random visitors on "Pat Luck," a beggar called at the door soliciting charity, when he very goodhumouredly called out, "I canna help you the day, I ha'e plenty o' your kin' here already."
A Scotch parson preaching upon these words, "Resist the devil, and he will fly from you," began thus:—"My beloved, you are all here to-day, but wot ye who is among ye, even the meikle horned devil. You cannot see him, but by the eye of faith I see him. But some of you say, what will we do with him now we have him here? How shall we destroy him? We will hang him. Alas, my beloved, there are not so many tows in the parish as will hang him, he is as light as a feather. Then some of you will say we will drown him. Humph, my beloved, there is owre muckle cork in his leg, he's as souple as an eel, he will not sink. Others of you will say, we will burn him. Na, na, sirs, you may scald yourselves, but you canna burn him, for a' the fire in Hades could never yet singe a hair o' his tail. Now, sirs, ye canna find a way among you all to kill him, but I will find it. What way will this be, sirs? We will even shoot him. Wherewith shall we shoot him? We shall shoot him with the Bible. Now, sirs, I shall shoot him presently." So, presenting the Bible, as soldiers do their muskets, he cries out, "Toot! toot! toot! Now he is shot. There lies the foul thief as dead as a herring."
Soon after the battle of Preston, two Highlanders, in roaming through the south of Mid-Lothian, entered the farm house of Swanston, near the Pentland Hills, where they found no one at home but an old woman. They immediately proceeded to search the house, and soon finding a web of coarse home-spun cloth, made no scruple to unroll and cut off as much as they thought would make a coat to each. The woman was exceedingly incensed at their rapacity, roared and cried, and even had the hardihood to invoke divinevengeance upon their heads. "Ye villains!" she cried, "ye'll ha'e to account for this yet." "And when will we pe account for't?" asked one of the Highlanders. "At the last day, ye blackguards!" exclaimed the woman. "Ta last day," replied the Highlander; "Tat be coot lang chredit-we'll e'en pe tak a waistcoat too!" at the same time cutting off a few additional yards of the cloth.
The mother of a respectable grocer in a town in the west, called her son to her, while on her death bed, and declared to him that his reputed father was not really his father; but that such a one (naming him) really was his father; and that the deed was done one night when travelling from Greenock, when at the Clun-Brae-Head. This story got wing, and ran through the town like wildfire, and was a fine source of amusement for some time. One day a boy vulgarly named the "Linty," went into the said grocer's shop to purchase some article, when he was assailed with "Weel Linty, whar is'tu gaun to big thy nest the year?" The boy replied, "I was thinkin' to big it doon about the Clun-Brae-Head."
A cunning carle invested with the semi-sacred office of "Ruling Elder," or practically seemingly identified with that office, in order to gratify an inclination, scratched wi' the neb o' a fork the figure 10 on the one side of his outer door, and figure 11 on the other; by which plan he was able to say wi' "a good conscience," at a' times, and on a' occasions, that he came aye hame atween ten and eleven.
A few Scotch and English travellers being met together, an Englishman took it upon him to run down the Thistle, exclaimed against the empty boast of its motto, "Nemo me impune lacessit," when a Scotchman present observed,"The Thistle, sir, is the pride of the Scotish nation, but it is nothing in the mouth of an ass."
In the west of Scotland, some time ago, there happened to be an auction of books. A book-buyer who attended the sale, was summoned by his son to supper, according to the directions of his mother. The boy flurried by the presence of the audience, and in his attempt to be as explicit as possible, thus cried out, "Fayther, yer parritch is ready." "Very well, my dear," said the father, and at the door gave him a salutea posteriori, which was repeated with the following injunction—"Recollect rascal, when you come again, to saya gentlemanwants me." Next evening up comes the boy according to direction. "Is my Fayther here?" "Yes," said the father. "A gentlemanwants ye." "Very well, my man," was repeated by the boy's parent; but little time elapsed when the boy returned; "What now, my man," said the old book worm. "Oh naething," said his son, "but gin ye dinna rin fastthe gentlemanwill be quite cauld."
Dougal Graham, author of the well-known metrical history of the rebellion in 1745, being candidate for the place of town bellman in the City of Glasgow, was desired to call "Gude fresh herrings new come in at the Broomielaw." It not being the season for herrings, Dougal added,
"But, indeed, my friends, it's a blaeflum,
"For the herrings no catch'd, and the boats no come," which procured for Dougal the situation.
Dougal was a kind of Scotch Æsop, he had a large humph on one of his shoulders, and like his patrotype had wit. Calling in the street of the Gallowgate, opposite the Saracen's Head Inn, where several officers of the gallant 42d regiment were dining, at the close of the American war, some of whomknew Dougal before they went abroad, opening the window, called out, "What's that you've got on your back, Dougal?" Knowing what the regiment suffered at Bunker's Hill, Dougal replied, "It'sBunker's Hill; do you choose to mount?"
Mr. Ogilvie, minister of the parish of Lunan in the county of Forfar, had a great deal of eccentricity in his composition. One Sunday an old woman, who kept a public-house in the parish, with whom Mr. Ogilvie was well acquainted, fell asleep in the church during sermon—not an uncommon occurrence. Her neighbour kept jogging in order to awake her. Mr. Ogilvie observing this, cried out, "Let her alane, I'll wauken her mysel', I'll warrant ye." "Phew! Phew! (whistling) a bottle o' ale and a dram, Janet." "Comin', sir," was instantly replied. "There now," says the minister, "I tald ye it wadna be lang afore I waken'd her."
A labouring Highlandman, who lived in the upper parts of Perthshire, whose wife was taken in labour, wished him to retire out of the house. Janet says to him—"Oh! you be gang awa', Duncan, gang awa'!" The man, however, kept loitering about the door, seemingly impressed with something of great importance. At last he cries to his wife, "You speak a me, Shanet! you speak a me." The wife asks, "What you say, Duncan?" "Gie the cummer (the midwife) a dram, Shanet, gie the cummer a dram!" "What for Duncan?" "Gie the cummer a dram, Shanet, an' tellhim to make her a laddie."
Three young Highlanders, some years ago, set out from their native hills, to seek a livelihood amongst their countrymen in the Lowlands. They had hardly learned any English. One of them could say, "We three Highlandmen;" thesecond, "For the purse and the penny siller;" and the third had properly learned, "And our just right too;" intending thus to explain the motives o' their journey. They trudged along, when, in a lonely glen, they saw the body of a man who had been recently murdered. The Highlanders stopped to deplore the fate of the unhappy mortal, when a gentleman with his servant came up to the spot. "Who murdered this poor man?" said the gentleman, "We three Highlandmen," answered the eldest of the brothers (thinking the gentleman inquired who they were). "What could induce you to commit so horrid a crime?" continued the gentleman. "The Purse and the Penny Siller," replied the second of the travellers. "You shall be hanged, you miscreants!" "And our just right too," returned the third. The poor men were thus brought to the gallows on their own evidence, and presumption of guilt.
An aged man, named Thomas Wood, sitting on a high three-footed stool in the gallery of the old Church of Falkirk, during divine service happened to fall asleep, tumbled on the floor with a great noise. The preacher stopped and demanded the reason of the noise. "Nothing, sir," cries a wag, "but a lump of Old Wood fallen down."
A female pauper lately made a very strong and forcible appeal to the elders and heritors of a certain parish, for an advance of 4s. 6d. Some one of the grave quorum inquired what made her so urgent on this occasion, when she had lately got a supply of coals, shoes, etc. To this she replied, "Why, deed, sirs, it's just to buy a pair o' corsets to my daughter Tibbie, ilk lass that's ocht respectable has them but hersel', so ye see she canna do wantin them, an' ye maun e'en let me ha't sirs."
The Rev. Mr. Shirra, burgher minister in Kirkcaldy, oncegave the following curious definition of the devil:—"The devil, my brethren, is ill ony way ye'll tak him. Tak' the D from his name, he'sevil; tak' the E from his name, he'svil; tak' the V from his name, he'sil;" then shrugging up his shoulders, and lengthening his sanctified snout, he said with peculiar emphasis, "He's naething but anil,vil,evil, Devil, ony way ye'll tak' him!"
A gentleman having missed his way, fortunately met a boy going with a pot of tar to mark his master's sheep, asked the road to Banff, but was directing by so many turnings, right and left, that he agreed to take the boy behind him on the horse as he was going near to the same place. Finding the boy pert and docile, he gave him some wholesome advice relative to his future conduct, adding occasionally, "Mark me well, my boy." "Yes, sir, I do." He repeated the injunction so often, that the boy at last cried out, "Sir, I have no more tar!"
After the battle of Falkirk, in 1746, a Highlandman was observed extracting a gold watch from the fob of an English officer, who had been killed. His comrade viewed him with a greedy eye, which the man taking notice of said to him, "Tamn you gapin' greedy bitch, gang and shoot a shentleman for hersel', an' no envie me o' my pit watch."
Next morning finding his watch motionless, and meeting his comrade, says to him, "Och! she no be care muckle about a watch, an' you be like mine, what will ye gi'e me for her?" The other replied, "I be venture a kinny." "Weel then," said the other, "Shust tak her, an' welcome, for she be die yester night."
An English Officer Dining With Lord Saltoon Some Years After the Battle of Culloden, his Lordship was adverting to thestrong attachment manifested by the generality of Buchan to the unfortunate house of Stuart, and particularly remarked the devoted loyalty of his gardener, whom no bribe or entreaty could in the smallest degree influence. "I'll bet 50 guineas," said the Englishman, "that I shall make him drink the health of King George." "Done!" replied his Lordship. The honest gardener was called in. The officer began by praising his fidelity and loyalty to his prince; pressed him to drink some glasses of wine; and when he thought him a little off his guard from the effects of the generous liquor, he began thus:—"Now, my friend, I know you are a good Christian and wish well to every human being; you can certainly have no objection to drink the health of King George? Come, my worthy fellow, a bumper to the health of his Majesty." "Here's to the health of ourlawfulSovereign," said the gardener. "Bless you, sir," cried the officer, "That's not King George?" "I am very much of your opinion," replied the man, making a profound bow and retiring.
A few years ago, when resurrectionists throughout the country were become very common, a person of respectability was interred in the High Church burying ground of Glasgow. The relatives who were persons of property, hired a few hungry weavers, who generally at that time wereatomiesready made, to watch the grave of their deceased relative; these, as they were one night on duty, perceived some persons enter, the churchyard; they kept snug till such time as they could learn the object of their visit. It was not long before the intruders opened a grave, took out the corpse, put it into a sack and left it at the grave, and went in search of something else. One of the weavers, a droll fellow, said to his comrade, "Take out the corpse, and I'll go into the sack, but do you observe the proceedings." In a little time the resurrection men returned, and one of them getting thesack upon his back marched off. When they got to the street, the one says to the other, "Which way will we take?" When the weaver putting out his hand and gripping the fellow who was carrying him, by the hair, bawled out, "Down the Rotten Raw, ye beggar." He was soon set down, and the man who carried him went mad of the fright.
Some years ago, a poor boy, whose mother was buried in the churchyard of Falkirk, used frequently to sit on her grave, and when destitute of other accommodation, would crawl in below one of the gravestones, and slept there for the night. On one of these occasions, the boy was roused from his sleep by the noise of some voices in the churchyard. This was nothing more than a couple of resurrection men who had come on purpose to begin that great work rather prematurely; and as those who are raised before their due time cannot be supposed capable of standing on their legs, they had provided themselves with a horse to gi'e them a lift. They were then disputing about how they could secure the beast, while they were raising the corpse. The lad hearing this, and creeping out of his hole, cries, "I'll haud him," expecting some remuneration no doubt. The fellows seeing a resurrection commencing from under a stone, and hearing the offer of holding the horse, scampered off and left the animal, with a couple of sacks; and although the horse and sacks were advertised, they were never claimed, but sold for the benefit of the boy, which procured him better lodging than beneath a grave stone.
Two country carters, passing the entrance to the Arcade, Argyle Street, Glasgow, observed painted on the wall, "No dogs to enter here." "No dogs to enter here!" exclaimed one of them, "I'm sure there's no use for that there." "What way, Jock," replied the other. "'Cause dogs canna readsigns," said he. "Ha, ha, Jock, ye're maybe wrang, I'se warran ye gentle folks' dogs 'ill ken't brawly, for there's schools, noo, whar they learn the dumb baith to read and speak."
THE
MERRY CONCEITS
OF
THE CARRIER
Being many Pleasant Passages and Mad Pranks which he observed in his Travels.
Full of Honest Mirth and Delight.
Of all the Toms that ever yet was named,Was ever any Tom like Tom Long framed?Tom Tram, who now as many mad pranks shows,Unto Tom Long will prove a mere goose.Tom Thumb is dumb, until the pudding creep,In which he was entomb'd, then out doth peep;Tom Fool may go to school, but ne'er be taught,Such rare conceits with which Tom Long is fraught.
Tom Ass may pass, but only for his ears,No such rich jewels as our Tom Long he wears;Tom Tell-truth is but froth, but truth to tell,From all these Toms, Tom Long doth bear the bell.
How Tom Long at first set up the trade of being a Carrier,and where he took up his Lodging.
Tom Long, the subject of this discourse, having spent some few years like a wandering Jew, oft visiting the coasts of Essex and Kent, where he did many notable exploits, sometimes cheating the calves-heads of their money, by the virtue of hocus pocus, having learned the art of legerdemain. Other times he used, as opportunity served, to rob the hen-roost. At last, his cheating tricks were so well known, that the country kicked him out like a knave as he was, and he was willing to be gone as they to be rid of him, soon gave them three slips for a teaster, and travelled towards Gotham, where he, well knowing what wit those wise men had in their noddles, took up his abode near the place where the men made a hedge to keep in the cuckoo all the year. Not long after, he set up his trade of being a carrier; under pretence of which he with ease played his pranks, and the wisdom of these men was such, that he cheated them of all, and yet the fools had no mistrust of him. And having set him up, he found great store of small doings, and above all others, the men of Gotham and Dunstable would employ him; who, being more knave than fool, ever advised some cheating trick or other to gull those idiots; for let him go out ever so full, he would be sure to come home empty, telling them one mischance or other had befallen him. He took up his lodging at the sign of the Whip and Egg-Shell in Thieving Lane, not far from Charing Cross, where Dunstable men are sure to find him; if not, they may go into Turn-again Lane, and come back again as wise as they went in.
How Tom Long the Carrier met with a Young Man uponthe way, with what happened to them,and how they were entertained by an Hostess.
Tom Long being newly set up a carrier, as he was travelling he happened to take up a young lad, who had straggled from his parents to play the truant, which Tom perceiving, entertained him into his service; but they had not gone far before their stomachs were up, so they resolved at the next place to take a bit, where, as soon as they came, they demanded what was for to eat. The hostess, being one of Seldom Cleanly's daughters, said there was nothing but eggs, of which, she said, she would make them a froize; and seeing them to come in, in a full breast and an empty stomach, she (like a slut as she was) resolved to give them their bellies full before they went; and so, with some three or four good eggs, she mixed as many bad ones, some addle and rotten, and others ready for to hatch; and having set them down at a certain wash block, which served instead of a table, she set before them as good a froize as any woman possibly could make of coarse materials, making her sauce alike suitable, being nothing else but kitchen stuff melted a little—oil as good as ever was burned. Tom and the young man fell presently to it, with stomachs as greedy as hogs, swallowing down all by wholesale, tag-rag and long-tail, without any chewing, although they conceited something cracking in their teeth like young bones. Yet hunger, which is the best sauce, made every morsel sweet, although it had but an ill going down with it, and worse troubled their patience afterwards, for they had no sooner eaten of it, but like squeezy stomachs they began to cast backwards and forwards; and being in this pitiful pickle, they called for their hostess, who, thinking to receive her reckoning, was paid in her own coin; for, having some of their froize left, Tom furiously cast it on her face, which stuck as fastas a plaister to the wall, insomuch that for a while she lost her eyesight; which being done, Tom departed without paying anything for his dinner.
How Tom and his Young Man discoursed of their Dinner,and how they resolved to mend the matter at night,but met with as bad Entertainment.
Tom and his man being now on their way, began to discourse of their dinner, and how prettily they served their hostess; but still conceited that they heard these young chickens which they had eaten in their froize cry, "Peep, peep, peep," and having cast up all again, their bellies began to cry "Cupboard," whereupon Tom, to comfort his young man, told him they would be sure to have a good host at night, and good fare to. But "like to like," quoth the devil to the collier, out of the frying-pan into the fire; for their new host proved not only a knave, but a thief, and instead of dainty veal, provided for them part of a young colt, which, being foaled before its time, ate very tenderly; and going to supper, the host, like a flattering knave, told them he would feast them bravely; and they, not mistrusting anything, fed most courageously, having for to please their pallets several kinds of dishes made thereof, the host still crying, "You are welcome, gentlemen,"—all which they swallowed down as greedily as the lawyer his fee. And having filled their ungodly guts with this supposed good cheer, they hastened to bed, where the fleas fed as fast on their corpse as they had done upon this new found veal, insomuch that they looked as if they had the smallpox. In the morning (thinking to have breakfast of the same) they missed their coats and other things, which their host had thievishly deprived them of. So, searching the house about, they found hanging in a corner some pieces of flesh, which they supposed to be part of the veal they had eaten of; but by the ears of the skin which hanged by, they saw plainlyit was an ass, and that they were once more made fools of; whereupon Tom caused his host to be apprehended, who was committed to prison about their goods, where Tom left him and departed.
Tom relates how a certain counterfeit Merchant cheateddivers Gentlemen of very great sums of Money.
In the North of England arrived a pretended merchant, but, indeed, a very cheating knave, who, residing there a while, came to be greatly acquainted with divers gentlemen, who, looking on him as one of great account, at last he received several great sums of money which he was to pay at London, upon the receipt of which he gave every man a bill of exchange, receiving of some twenty pounds, some thirty, some forty, fifty, some a hundred pounds; and, having pretty well feathered his nest, leaving those gentlemen to receive their money where they could get it, he departed beyond sea; and when the gentlemen came to receive their money, they could neither find nor hear of their merchant: whereat they were very much vexed, as well as they might be, to see how they were cheated of their money. But their hopes are that they shall have it brought them again by Tom Long the Carrier.
Of the great request that Tom Long was in, and how thewise Mayor of Huntingdon seized on Tom'sragged Colt for a Sturgeon.
Tom Long having been a carrier for many years, grew in great request, and though he was not very well beloved, yet he was sure to have many customers that he got carriage of, especially the country farmers, who often used to send tokens by him to their friends, as gammons of bacon, collars of brawn, pies, and other good things, and now and then small pieces of silver from Dunstable men: all which Tom ever made use of himself, though they perceived it not; forby reason they sent by Tom Long the Carrier, they could never receive any answer about what he brought. Also, all the broken shopkeepers and decayed gentlemen sent their creditors' debts by Tom Long the Carrier.
But it happened that, as Tom was going to London, he chanced to be at Huntingdon, where, putting his horses to grass, amongst which he had a young ragged colt,—this colt having straggled down into the river, certain wise men of the town coming by, that had been at Gotham, thought it had been a sturgeon, and thereupon acquainted the Right Wisdom-Fool the Mayor of it, who assembled together his wise brethren, made a very wise speech to them, and acquainted them therewith, who very unanimously accompanied his foolship; and, after a deep consultation, they all agreed to seize the poor colt for a sturgeon; but carrying it with great triumph into the town, the inhabitants, who were wiser than the rest, exceedingly laughed them to scorn for their great folly. And so Tom, promising the Mayor to bring him a piece of sturgeon at his return, he had his colt again.
A Story of the Seven Sleepers, who slept above threehundred years, and not yet awakened.
In a great city there lived several men who for their religion were forced to fly for their lives, and not far from the city was an ancient cave under a hill, in which these men entered to secure and refresh themselves; but their persecutors, hearing where they were, stopped up the mouth of the cave, intending to famish them therein; and they, not knowing what was done, so soon as they had refreshed their bodies with victuals, laid themselves down to sleep, and so continued sleeping very sound a long season, until such time as in after ages a shepherd, intending to make himself a harbour, set divers masons to work to dig in this cave, who, with the noise, awakened the men who had been asleep solong therein. The cave being opened, they, thinking it to be day, and had slept but one night, sent one of their company privately into the city for food, for in all this time they had eaten nothing, and well they might be hungry; so, coming to the town; he found all things altered, the inhabitants being other kind of people, as he supposed, than he left the night before. So going to buy some bread, the people refused to take his money, saying they knew not the coin, at which he greatly marvelled. But inquiring further, he found that since their being there three generations had been dead and gone, and a fourth in being; and by computation of time, it appeared they had slept above three hundred years, and lay all this time in their clothes, which were no whit decayed, whereat the people all wondered; and Tom Long the Carrier, staying all the time they slept to see when they would awake, at last brought the news with him.
How Tom Long the Carrier sold his Horse for the Skin,supposing him to be dead; and how a craftyfellow coming by knew what the Horse ailed, and sobought him.
Tom Long the Carrier, travelling on the road, chances to put his horse in a field that was overgrown with hemlock, which Tom's horse, having had no meat all day, ate so greedily on, that it cast him into so sound a sleep that Tom thought he had been dead. Being thus sorely crossed, as he supposed, he began to flay his skin off to sell, whereupon a crafty fellow coming by that way, well knew what the horse ailed, bought him for the price of the skin, and paid Tom the money. He departed, appointing to fetch the horse the very next morning. And when he came on the morrow, the horse was awakened out of his sleep, and got upon his legs again; which, when Tom perceived, he was sorely vexed at his foolish bargain; but his chapman laughed him to scorn for his folly, and so departed with his horse.
How Tom, Long the Carrier converted all his Carriage tohis own use, and thereby recruited himself with anotherHorse, and of a sad mischance that befel his Horse.
Tom Long the Carrier, seeing himself thus fooled out of his horse, resolved not to bear all the loss himself, and so converted all his carriage into money, and returning home, pretended he had been robbed of his horse and all his carriage. Not long after, Tom being willing to set up again, purchased with his money a new horse; but ill-gotten goods seldom thrive. So Tom, having a horse again, received divers things to carry from divers places, especially from the wise men of Gotham, who were the best customers Tom Long the Carrier had. But being on his way not far from his inn, he chanced to spy a fine plot of grass under a hedge in a corn field, under which Tom, to save charges, secretly conveyed his mare, tying her to the hedge with a cord, and so left her. But the mare, like an unruly jade, not being willing to be confined in so narrow a compass, was minded to see what fare was on the other side of the hedge, and foolishly venturing to leap over, very unfortunately hanged herself, whose untimely death had then nigh broke the heart of poor Tom Long; and his grief was the more by reason she died without any visitation.
Tom nine ways looks, and needs must vexed be;Now bought wit's best, Tom Long doth plainly see.Tom tells he's robbed, and counteth all his losses,And is in hopes he shall have no more crosses."Come, lads, all's gone," Tom takes his comfort then;He will be repaid by other men.Now many men do Tom Long dispraise,Saying, "He has small conscience in his ways,But sure I'll lay no such fault to his charge;I rather think his conscience was too large."
How Tom Long the Carrier was assaulted by a Dog, andhow valiantly he defended himself, and killed him.
As Tom Long the Carrier was travelling between Dover and Westchester, he fortuned to pass something near a house, where was kept a great mastiff dog, who, as soon as he had espied Tom, came running open mouthed at him, and so furiously assaulted him, as if he meant to devour him at a bite. But Tom, having in his hand a good pikestaff, most valiantly defended himself like a man, and to withstand the danger, he thrust the pike-end of his staff into his throat, and so killed him. Whereupon the owner thereof, seeing his dog lost, comes earnestly unto Tom, and between threatening and chiding, asking him why he struck him not with the great end of the staff? "Marry," quoth he, "because your dog runs not at me with his tail."
Of a merry conceited Jest brought to Town by Tom.
A certain king kept a fool to be his jester, whose manner was to set down in a note-book, which he kept for that purpose, all the follies that he saw committed in or about the court, or at least write so many as he discovered. So, upon a time, a certain Italian horse-courser arrived at the court who professed great skill in horsemanship, and it being declared unto the king, he presently sent him with three thousand pounds to buy horses in a far country, which this fool hearing of, put down in his note-book among the rest. When the king heard that, he was much offended, and would needs know of Jack Lackwit why he had set him down in his note. "Because," quoth the fool, "I think he will come no more to you." "But what if he does come again?" said the king. "Why, then," said the fool, "I will take you out and put him in."
Of the Hard Lodging which Tom Long the Carrier found onthe Ground, having under him but one Poor Feather.
Tom Long, by reason of the great loss of his horses, became very poor, and so turned foot-post; and being in a wearisome condition, he was forced, having not coin to pay for better, to take up his lodging on the ground, where, tumbling and tossing, he could hardly rest all night; and stirring himself betimes in the morning, he espied under him one feather. "Now," quoth Tom, "I see what was the cause of my trouble that I could not sleep all the night. I wonder, seeing I found such hard lodging upon one feather, how they do that lie upon thousands."
How Tom Long cozened two Shoemakers out of apair of Shoes.
Tom Long being now a foot-post, with hard travelling had worn his shoes so very thin that he was in great danger to lose soles and all; whereupon Tom came to refresh himself, after which he sent for a shoemaker to bring him a pair of shoes.
Now Tom, having no coin left, resolved to try his wits; so drawing on one of the shoes, he said it fitted well; but drawing on the other, he complained that it pinched his foot and was too low in the instep; whereupon he desired the shoemaker to take that shoe home and let it stand in the last for an hour or two, and he would stay so long. As soon as he was gone Tom pulled off the other shoe, and sent for another shoemaker to bring him a pair of shoes, which he did; so, drawing on one of them on the other foot, he said it pinched him likewise, and so wished him also to take that shoe home, and let it stand for an hour on the last, and then come again. But the shoemakers saw thelast of their shoes, for when they came again Tom Long was gone, leaving these verses behind them:—
"Whom seek ye, sirs—Tom Long? Oh, fie uponYour tediousness, he's long since gone;He went a good while since, no question storeAre glad, who vex'd he did not go before;And some are griev'd he went so soon away,The reason was, he could no longer stay;Nor is it a wonder that he thus is gone,Since all men know he long was drawing on."
Witty Conceits of Tom Long the Carrier.
Tom Long the Carrier, upon a time, asked a merry conceited fellow which was the best husband for a young wench to marry. "Marry," quoth the fellow, "an old man, for then he shall be sure to be proud of her." Another standing by asked Tom Long the Carrier what trade he thought to be best? "Marry," quoth Tom, "a cut-purse; for he hath no sooner done his work but he hath his money in his hand."
The Conclusion of the Merry Conceits of Tom Longthe Carrier.
Tom Long the Carrier coming to an inn,Asked the maid what meat there was within?"Cow-heels," said she, "and a fine breast of mutton.""Then," said Tom, "since that I am no glutton,Either or both shall serve—to-night the breast,The heels in the morning, when light meat is best."At night he took the breast, and did not pay,And in the morning took his heels and ran away.When the worst is past, all things begin to mend,And here the brave story of Tom Long doth end.