INTRODUCTION
THE ANGUISH LANGUISH
English words are astonishingly versatile and could readily be made to serve a new and extraordinary purpose, but nobody seems to care about this except SPAL(Society for the Promotion of the Anguish Languish).[1]In keeping with its lofty ideals and its slogan, ANGUISH FOR EVERYBODY, the Society is sponsoring this little text, which has three aims:
1. To improve the public’s understanding of the Anguish Languish.
2. To improve the academic standing of the Anguish Languish.
3. To improve the socialandfinancial standing of the Society.
A visiting professor of Anguish, Dr. ——[2], who, while learning to understand spoken English, was continually bewildered and embarrassed by the similarity of such expressions asboys and girlsandpoisoned gulls, used to exclaim:
“Gracious! What a lot of words sound like each other! If it wasn’t (sic) for the different situations in which we hear ’em, we’d have a terrible time saying which was which.”
Of course, these may not have been the professor’s exact words, because he often did his exclaiming in Anguish rather than in English. In that case he would say:
“Crashes! Water larders warts sunned lack itch udder! Effervescent further deferent saturations an witch way harem, wade heifer haliver tam sang witch worse witch.”
Dr. —— was right, both in English and Anguish. Although other factors than the pronunciation of words affect our ability to understand them, the situation in which the words are uttered is of prime importance. You can easily prove this, right in the privacy of your own kitchen, by asking a friend to help you wash up a dozen cops and sorcerers. Ten to one, she’ll think you said a dozencups and saucers, and be genuinely surprised if you put her to work cleaning up evenonepolice officer, let alone all the others, and the magicians, too.
If you think that she misunderstands merely because the two phrases sound somewhat alike andnotbecause of the situation, read what SPAL’s Committee on Housewives has to say:
“Presented with a dishes-piled-in-sink situation, several hundred well-adjusted housewives thought thatcops and sorcerersreferred to dishes, but seldom did normal subjects, interviewed under the same conditions, make the opposite mistake. When they were asked to help us washcups and saucers, some women consented, some made stupid excuses, and some told us bluntly to go wash them ourselves, butpractically no one thought that we were talking about policemen and magicians.”
“Are empty mustard off mar fateAre empty catsup off mouse hole.”
“Are empty mustard off mar fateAre empty catsup off mouse hole.”
“Are empty mustard off mar fateAre empty catsup off mouse hole.”
“Are empty mustard off mar fateAre empty catsup off mouse hole.”
“Are empty mustard off mar fate
Are empty catsup off mouse hole.”
The experiments described above, and hundreds of similar ones conducted by SPAL show thatan unbelievable number of English words, regardless of their usual meanings, can be substituted quite satisfactorily for others. Whenallthe words in a given passage of English have been so replaced, the passage keeps its original meaning, but all the words have acquired new ones.A word that has received a new meaning has become awart, and when all the words in the passage have become warts, the passage is no longer English; it’sAnguish.
This is not an altogether silly question, and it deserves the prompt and unequivocal answer any Anguish Languish enthusiast will give it.
“Watcher mane, ardor rainy gut raisins toe sturdy anguish?” he will say, and will probably give you an impressive list of them which will certainly include the following:
You and your friends can make a game out of learning Anguish, and you’ll have fun developing your own style and observing each other’s efforts. How to begin will be explained later.
If words can be made to do double, triple, or even quadruple duty, it is obvious that we don’t need so many of them. Wouldn’t it be a comfort to know that, in the event of some unpredictable disaster wiping out half of our English vocabulary, we could, if we had learned Anguish, get along nicely with what we had left?[3]
People who aren’t sure of themselves should learn Anguish. Suppose you have been asked to dinner by the president of your company and his wife. Since you haven’t met your hostess, you have spent some time, before going, thinking up something to say that will really interest her. Finally you decide to ask, during the dinner:
“Mrs. Bellowell, didn’t I hear that your brother Henry was discovered to be in collusion with those election crooks?”
The moment arrives, but you no sooner get her attention than you have sudden misgivings. Too late to change your subject, you slip deftly into Anguish:
“Mrs. Bellowell ... deaden are hair ditcher broader Hennery worse dish-cupboard toe bang collision wet dozer liquor-chin crocks?”
Chances are that everyone will be so fascinated by the graceful form of your question that not even your hostess will attach much importance to what you’ve asked.
EUROPE OILY DISK MOANING!DOILY BOARD CASHES OR WARM!
EUROPE OILY DISK MOANING!
DOILY BOARD CASHES OR WARM!
People who are addicted to telling dialect stories, or chronically frustrated because they can’t tell them without Scotch brogue or Brooklynese getting mixed up with Deep South, will be overjoyed with Anguish.Anguish is definitelynota dialect, since it consistsonlyof unchanged English words which anyone can pronounce.By imparting a delicate and indefinably exotic accent to one’s speech, however, it not only provides a socially acceptable substitute for telling dialect stories, but adds to one’s personal charm.[4]
As your Anguish vocabulary increases, you’ll find that your English vocabulary does, too, but you must be careful not to mix them up—something which people orphan do when they begin to use words accordion to the way they sound rather than how they’re spelled. Words which are rare in English are often common enough in Anguish, so you have new opportunities to see them. Suppose you’re spending a week-end reciting nursery rhymes in Anguish to a happy group of childrenor immature adults, and come acrossSING A SONG OF SIXPENCE, A POCKET FULL OF RYE. In Anguish, this, of course, isSINKER SUCKER SOCKS PANTS, APOCRYPHAL AWRY. This will give you an unexpected chance to use the last two words.
You’d be surprised to know how many people haven’t the faintest idea what a xyster is until they hear a SPAL member talking about his fodder, murder, broader, and xyster. This makes them want to lookxysterup. When they do, they find that, althoughxyster[5]in Anguish, may meansister, in English it’s nothing in the world but a common raspatorium. Now raspatoria, and, therefore xysters are important surgical instruments, nice to know about before being scheduled for an aberration.
Speaking of xysters, hominy people know whathiggleryis? Very few, yet it occurs in the Anguish Languish version of something as well known as:
“Murder, mare argo art toe swarm?”“Yap, mar doling dodder,Hank yore clues honor higglery larmeAn dun gore norther warder!”
“Murder, mare argo art toe swarm?”“Yap, mar doling dodder,Hank yore clues honor higglery larmeAn dun gore norther warder!”
“Murder, mare argo art toe swarm?”“Yap, mar doling dodder,Hank yore clues honor higglery larmeAn dun gore norther warder!”
“Murder, mare argo art toe swarm?”
“Yap, mar doling dodder,
Hank yore clues honor higglery larme
An dun gore norther warder!”
While you’re looking uphigglery, you might findlarme, just a few pages away in Webster’s Unabridged.
“—wail, debt worse inner laest wake off Dismember—nor, inner foist wake off Janizary—Doctor Smatters (haze mar surging) gummier fun cull wan moaning, an set: ‘Gut moaning, Messes Huffywate, heresy ladle bat noose furrier—yore garner heifer heifer nodder aberration.’ Wail, whinny setdebt—” etc., etc.
“—wail, debt worse inner laest wake off Dismember—nor, inner foist wake off Janizary—Doctor Smatters (haze mar surging) gummier fun cull wan moaning, an set: ‘Gut moaning, Messes Huffywate, heresy ladle bat noose furrier—yore garner heifer heifer nodder aberration.’ Wail, whinny setdebt—” etc., etc.
Anguish can be used for group study at parties and entertainments; as a psychological test of something or other (we don’t know just what),[6]and as practice material in Speech and Typing classes.
1. Read everything in this text aloud, and preferably in a group. Make a game of it.
You’ll find it easier to understand Anguish when youhearit than when you see it. If you have trouble, listen to someone else read it to you, preferably someone who doesn’t quite know what he’s reading. This often gives the best effect. Watch what happens when the listeners understand better than the reader.
2. Don’t try to read too fast and be sure to give all words their usual English pronunciation, regardless of the new meaning the word has acquired. An accurate pronunciation and good intonation are most effective.
3. Don’t worry if you seem to have suddenly acquired a slight accent; your friends will tell you that this is most attractive.
[1]The members of SPAL are the persons who have written to the author concerning the Anguish Languish, especially the thousands who wrote to request copies of LADLE RAT ROTTEN HUT after Arthur Godfrey’s inimitable reading of it, on his television show. The society is very poorly organized, in fact few of the members even know they belong. There are no officers, no meetings, no convention, and, worst of all, from the point of view of the author and founder, no dues.[2]This isn’t his real name, nor is it intended to be the name of any other Anguish Languish professor, living or dead.[3]Whether or not such a calamity is likely to occur seems entirely beside the point; in times like these one should be prepared for any emergency.[4]ANGUISH ANONYMOUS, an organization of former dialect story tellers, sponsored by SPAL, can be called in difficult cases.[5]The plural ofxysterin Anguish, iscisterns. See, in this book, the story ofCenter Alley.[6]A research psychologist plans to useAnguish Languishto provide data for a study entitled: “Individual and Sex Differences in Configurational Perception of Artificially Contrived but Phenomenologically Comprehensible Auditory Stimuli.” This sounds as if it should mean something.
[1]The members of SPAL are the persons who have written to the author concerning the Anguish Languish, especially the thousands who wrote to request copies of LADLE RAT ROTTEN HUT after Arthur Godfrey’s inimitable reading of it, on his television show. The society is very poorly organized, in fact few of the members even know they belong. There are no officers, no meetings, no convention, and, worst of all, from the point of view of the author and founder, no dues.
[1]The members of SPAL are the persons who have written to the author concerning the Anguish Languish, especially the thousands who wrote to request copies of LADLE RAT ROTTEN HUT after Arthur Godfrey’s inimitable reading of it, on his television show. The society is very poorly organized, in fact few of the members even know they belong. There are no officers, no meetings, no convention, and, worst of all, from the point of view of the author and founder, no dues.
[2]This isn’t his real name, nor is it intended to be the name of any other Anguish Languish professor, living or dead.
[2]This isn’t his real name, nor is it intended to be the name of any other Anguish Languish professor, living or dead.
[3]Whether or not such a calamity is likely to occur seems entirely beside the point; in times like these one should be prepared for any emergency.
[3]Whether or not such a calamity is likely to occur seems entirely beside the point; in times like these one should be prepared for any emergency.
[4]ANGUISH ANONYMOUS, an organization of former dialect story tellers, sponsored by SPAL, can be called in difficult cases.
[4]ANGUISH ANONYMOUS, an organization of former dialect story tellers, sponsored by SPAL, can be called in difficult cases.
[5]The plural ofxysterin Anguish, iscisterns. See, in this book, the story ofCenter Alley.
[5]The plural ofxysterin Anguish, iscisterns. See, in this book, the story ofCenter Alley.
[6]A research psychologist plans to useAnguish Languishto provide data for a study entitled: “Individual and Sex Differences in Configurational Perception of Artificially Contrived but Phenomenologically Comprehensible Auditory Stimuli.” This sounds as if it should mean something.
[6]A research psychologist plans to useAnguish Languishto provide data for a study entitled: “Individual and Sex Differences in Configurational Perception of Artificially Contrived but Phenomenologically Comprehensible Auditory Stimuli.” This sounds as if it should mean something.
The first item in this collection is a story familiar to all readers—LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD. Or, as you can probably say now in Anguish, LADLE RAT ROTTEN HUT.
Heresy ladle furry starry toiling udder warts—warts welcher altar girdle deferent firmer once inner regional virgin.This sentence means: “Here is a little fairy story told in other words—words which are altogether different from the ones in the original version.”
ORIOLE RATTY? DEN LESS GAT STUTTERED!