Rules for Courting.
1. Marriage is sopersonala business that it will be readily conceded that it concerns the contracting parties more than it does relations and friends. For this reason the gentleman should first make sure that the affections of the young lady would,in all probability, centre upon himself, before he proposes to the parents or guardians. He should do this without entrapping the affections of the lady herself; which course would, should the engagement from family reasons fall to the ground, entail misery upon her.
2. Giving presents is always allowable; but they should be confined to trifles before an actual engagement between the parties. Any perishable article may be given without regard to cost, but valuable keepsakes should be reserved. Letters, trinkets and valuable presents, when engagements are broken off, are always returned by both parties.
3. In courting a lady with whom you were not previously acquainted, you should always address her as Miss So-and-so, or, in case of much emphasis, my dear Miss So-and-so. It is not allowable to be too familiar at first, though if you have known her from childhood, or have had a long intimacy in the family, you may use her Christian name. After engagement, use it exclusively when you address her. This rule will apply to ladies also, when addressing their beaux.
4. Love letters are very absurd things when (as they sometimes are) made public. The reason is, they concern only two persons in the world—the writer and the receiver. They should be plain, fervent, respectful, and to the point. Never write a letter merely for the sake of writing; let it always have some aim—a message, an invitation; or let it carry news of some kind.
5. In public, or in company, the conduct of lovers should be guarded. Avoid all show of extreme preference, and never pass compliments. Neither caress nor chide before others, nor call each other endearing names, such as my dear, honey, pet, etc., etc. This rule will apply to married people as well as to those in the chrysalis state.
6. If your suit is rejected by the lady you are expected to abandon it; and, should you decide to try a second time to win her favor, do not be too importunate, and never visit her without special leave. Many ardent young lovers lose their sweethearts irretrievably by haunting them, when perhaps with proper management they might have succeeded. A girl does not always know her own mind until she becomes disgusted.
7. In quarrels between lovers, the man must always be at three-quarters of the expense of a reconciliation; but the woman must have prepared the way from the moment of the quarrel. Except in cases of jealousy, a quarrel generally begins on the side of the woman. She is angryat first with herself, or because familiarity with you begins to produce ennui, or because she is too sure of you. In place of giving quarrel for quarrel, it is sufficient, in such a case, to excite her imagination, to disquiet her heart, to arouse her suspicions, and all the little doubts and fears which prevent the current of true love from running smoothly.
8. Caprice is a peculiarity of lovers that is often mistaken for inconstancy, while they are really very different. The one is a weakness of the heart, the other a calculation of the mind. Caprice is the source of a thousand little disputes, which in themselves are felicities. It ravishes from love all that is lively, gracious and gay. It is a pardonable weakness in woman.
9. In attending balls, neither the lady or the gentleman should dance with a strange partner, except by each other’s consent. Relatives and intimate friends may be taken as partners without this formality. If the gentleman introduces a friend to his sweetheart she may consider this introduction as a tacit consent to her dancing with him; andvice versaas regards the lady.
10. During courtship, should a gentleman meet one of his male friends at a party, he is not obliged by etiquette to introduce his intended bride to him. He can do as he pleases about it, and should always ask the lady’s consent previous to such introduction. The same rule will apply to the lady, though girlsare generally proud enough to introduce their lovers, if they think much of them.
11. A man should never attempt to take liberties with his sweetheart during courtship—not even after the engagement. Such conduct is mean, and a sign of low breeding. Good and virtuous girls, though they are pained and displeased, do not always resent such treatment. Others of a more energetic and fiery temperament are not afraid to show their displeasure. Every young lady should do so.
12. Where a young lady is shrewish and overbearing towards her lover it will not answer for him to yield too far to her caprices, or she may despise him as pusillanimous. Some girls find fault and quarrel just for the pleasure of a reconciliation. In such a case you are justified in opposing her to a certain extent, but be careful and not go too far, or she may “fly off the handle” in a pet, and make it difficult for you to regain her favor.
13. A young man should never pay particular attention to a girl he does not think of marrying. Male coquettes are humbugs, and the ladies should never tolerate them. If a girl suspects the sincerity of her lover, she should show indifference to him by “being particularly engaged” when he calls. If he is sincere in his attachment be will be all the more anxious for an interview. Treat him with polite indifference, and if he is really in love he will think it about time to come to an understanding with you.
14. To sum up: you should never begin a courtship until you are old enough to marry—until you have the means, or a fair prospect of them, to support a wife—nor until you meet with a girl whose tastes, peculiarities, morals and habits of thinking you admire, and you are perfectly sure that your regard for her is built upon reason, not upon the caprice of the moment.