SCENE II.—Same as in Scene I.
SCENE II.—Same as in Scene I.
(Discover seated about stage all members thereon when first part closed and in same positions.)
(Discover seated about stage all members thereon when first part closed and in same positions.)
Hop(enteringD. L.). Schultz, room fifty-nine says send him a pousse-café and charge it.
Hans.Go back und tell him ve don’t charge anything but storage batteries.
[ExitHop.
Ruff.Landlord, where’s that fine little kitten you had the last time I was here?
Hans.Vell—she——
Ruff.I hope you didn’t poison her?
Hans.No, you see she——
Case.Was she drowned?
Hans.No—she——
Tony.Somebody make-a steal?
Hans.No, you see——
Weber.Well, what de debil happened to her?
Hans.Vy, she growed into a cat.
Weber.Dat’s jes’ de trouble wif women.
Case.Do they grow into cats?
Tony.’At’s da madda? You talk-a about da lady?
Weber.Well, firs’ dey is jes’ spring chickens, den dey’s suffragettes, den dey’s get to be ole hens.
Tony.You no like-a suffamayettes?
Weber.I should say not.
Case.Why are you so set against suffragettes?
Weber.Why, man, women ain’t got the intellectual habilitation ter hash up de political problems ob state. Even we men don’t know what we’re talkin’ ’bout half de time when we’s discussin’ politics.
Ruff.Whoopee, you shure is got some co-loboratory of words. I wonder if you could tell us de longest sentence in de English language? It contains about one hundred and forty words.
Weber.No, sir, dat’s wrong.
Case.How many words does it contain?
Weber.Only one.
Hans.Only von? Iss id dot you means to tell us dot der longest sentence of der language has only von vord in id?
Weber.I mean to expostulate dat de longest sentence in de world has only one word therein it.
Case.And what’s that?
Weber.Life.
EnterMiss GotroxandGretch,L. 1 E.
Hans(smiling and bowing). Aha, Miss Gotrox, you iss all dressed up now already yet.
Miss G.Yes; do I look nice enough to go promenading?
Hans.Ach, yes, I bane like you all in vite. Vite hat, vite dress—vite shoes, vite sdockings.
Gretch.I bane tink mosquitoes vould nod bite a lady ven she haf vite sdockings on.
Case.You don’t think so, why?
Hans.Pecause all der mosquitoes ve haf around here iss gentlemens.
Gretch.You bane going to der lecture, Miss Gotrox?
Miss G.What lecture?
Gretch.At der church. I bane tink der man iss going to sbeak on der subject of “Favorite Hymns.”
Miss G.“Favorite Hymns”? Well, I’m not going to the lecture, but I’m hoping to meetmyfavorite him this evening.
Ruff.Aha, there’s where two is company.
Weber.And three’s a crowd.
Hans.Ach, doss iss nicht recht. Dwo is matrimony, dree iss alimony.
Case.You seem very much in love with the love man.
Miss G.I am——
Case.Is he bashful, or is he—fast?
Hans.He ain’t fast mit his creditors.
(Song.)
Ruff.Are you going to marry the young man you spoke of, Miss Gotrox?
Miss G.If I can make him propose.
Hans.You vass tinking of matrimony, den?
Miss G.Yes.
Ruff.Have you had any experience with children?
Weber.What a foolish question. Wasn’t she a child once herself?
Case.Has the young man any accomplishments?
Miss G.Well, he plays the piano very well.
Gretch.I bane tink if dot biano could dalk, it vould say: You haf blayed me false.
Hans.Gretch, you should nod sbeak dot way to Miss Gotrox. She iss a beautiful lady, und voman iss a great creation. Vy—man has taken a voman’s head to decorate our coin.
Case.Yes, and the milliner has taken quite a few of my coins to decorate a certain woman’s head.
Miss G.Landlord, where is the nearest candy shop?
Hans(thinking). Er—er—middle in der block.
Case.Say, landlord, there’s a hotel man down in New Orleans by the name of Seitz. Do you know him?
Hans.Might I do. Vot’s his name?
Gretch.I bane tink you use very little bowder, Miss Gotrox.
Miss G.Why—yes, I do. But still I do use a little powder and cream.
Case.That’s strange.
Miss G.What’s strange?
Case.That you use very little.
Ruff.What? Why, it seems to me that woman would sooner hear about the discovery of a new complexion cream than to learn of the invention of a torpedo-proof battle-ship.
Miss G.Why, certainly. When this world comes to its senses, battle-ships will not be needed, but a good complexion will be more in demand than ever.
Case.That may be true, but a sensible man would sooner have a woman just as nature meant her to be, without all that paint and powder.
Miss G.Yes, but there seems to be very few sensible men. There is art in a good complexion.
Case.And what art rivals nature? A little powder may change a complexion, but what art equals nature in her many changes? Take a waterfall for instance; how beautiful nature has made it, and then along comes winter and changes it into ice. What a remarkable change takes place.
Weber(sighing). Ah me, dat’s right:—
When water is changed into ice,Note de remarkable change in price.
When water is changed into ice,Note de remarkable change in price.
When water is changed into ice,Note de remarkable change in price.
When water is changed into ice,
Note de remarkable change in price.
Ruff.You shouldn’t mind dat pessimist, Miss Gotrox; he is always down in de mouth.
Miss G.You shouldn’t be that way. When you feel down in the mouth, think of Jonah; he came out all right.
Case.Miss Gotrox, what do you think Jonah thought when he found himself inside the whale?
Weber(interrupting). I bet he thought he went to sleep inside a foldin’ bed en she closed up.
Tony.’At’s da madda you? You make-a fuss all-a time. You make-a fuss you no gotta fuss-a fuss about.
Case.That’s what I say, Tony. (ToWeber.) How do you think men live in a submarine?
Hans.Yah—dot’s right; yoost tink of all der varter around dem. I bet many of dem dies vrom humidity.
Ruff.(not comprehending). Humidity? Why—er—I thought de papers said it was from dyspepsia.
Miss G.(she had been looking outside). I would like to go down town, but all the cars seem jammed. I wonder what makes them so crowded this evening.
Weber.Beggin’ your pardon, Miss, but I reckon hit’s de number ob passengers dey’s carryin’.
(Song.)
EnterArchibald Nutt.
Nutt.Oh, Miss Gotrox, how delightfully lovely you look this eve.
Weber(business of fainting, etc.). Oh, Elizabeth, the cook stewed the cat.
Miss G.Why, Archie, I’m so glad to see you. How’s mother?
Nutt.Why, I’m angry at my mother.
Miss G.Angry at your mother? How terrible. Why so?
Nutt.Why, mother wants me to come in at eight o’clock, and I’ll do nothing of the kind.
Miss G.You won’t?
Nutt.No, I’ll come in at five minutes past eight.
Miss G.Oh, you shouldn’t be so naughty.
Nutt.Yes, I will—be very naughty. I’ll go out with the boys and I’ll smoke cigarettes and I’ll use cuss words.
Miss G.Oh, Archie, be careful. Remember you’re in my company, and here is Mr. Case. I’m sure he doesn’t use naughty words.
Nutt.Well (pleasantly), if it will relieve you, Miss Gotrox, I’ll promise not to teach him any. (Others giveCasethe laugh.Nutt,haughtily.) Well, what are you laughing at, me?
Ruff.Why, no, Genevieve.
Nutt.Then what else is there around here to laugh at?
Miss G.Archie, I’m sure they would not laugh at you if they knew you were a historian.
Case.Are you a historian?
Nutt(smiling). Uh-huh.
Case.Well, there’s something I have been trying to find out for a long time. Maybe you can tell me. What was Washington’s Farewell Address?
Weber.Heaven.
Nutt(screaming). Oh, you vulgar thing!
Weber.Vulgar? I thought that was well done.
Hans.Yah, I bane tink dot vass doo vell done.
Case.That’s going a little too far.
Miss G.Why, don’t you believe in doing all things well?
Case.Most assuredly.
Ruff.Suppose you set out to make a fool of yourself?
(Pause.)
Nutt.Oh, Weber, I’ve heard that your girl has a new auto.
Weber.Did yuh?
Nutt.Uh-huh. Who drives it?
Ruff.Nobody; dey coaxes it.
Nutt(toMiss G.). Do you know that Weber’s intended father-in-law is the funniest little man you ever saw?
Miss G.Is that possible?
Nutt.And he has only one eye, too.
Weber.Say, talkin’ ’bout dat ole man. De odder day I had him out wif me an’ I los’ him in de crowd. I went up to a policeman and I axes him: “Hofficer, I’m looking for a little man wif one eye.” What do you think dat ole fool tole me? He said: “Mose, if he’s so small, why don’t you use two eyes?”
Hop(enteringL. 1 E.). Sir, a gentleman in the dining-room sends his compliments and says the steak he is eating is the first tender steak he has ever eaten here.
Hans.Ach himmel—dot feller got mine steak.
[ExitHop.
Tony(who has been reading paper). Look-a dees. (Puzzled.) ’At’s a man-o’-war-ship?
Case.Why, a cruiser.
Tony.’At makes her go?
Ruff.Its screw, sir.
Tony(bewildered). Who-a goes along?
Nutt.Why, its crew, sir.
(Tony,dumfounded, resumes his seat.)
Miss G.I think I’ll be going. Archie, will you be walking with me?
Nutt.Most assuredly.
[Exeunt.
Gretch.I bane tink he dance mit her, doo.
Case.Does he really dance?
Weber.Dance? You ought to see dat feller do de Induction Coil.
(Song.)
EnterNutt,excitedly.
Nutt(out of breath). Oh, goodness me, I’ve had a terrible experience. Oh, my!
Hans.Vot’s der madder? You bane scared?
Nutt.Scared? Oh, gracious, I’m frightened most to death. I was walking down the street with Miss Gotrox, when who did I see coming toward us but my sweetheart. Oh, my!
Ruff.(doubtfully). A girl in love with you? (ToWeber,aside.) What must she think of him?
Weber.Nothing; she thinks for him.
Nutt.Why, I’ve got the sweetest, dearest, prettiest girl in the world.
Case.What does she look like?
Nutt.Look like? She’s a perfect creation. (With sentiment.) The Great Creator formed all other women first so that He’d have the thing down to perfection when He came to her. From the dark stillness of the forest He took her eyes, hiding in each the twinkle of a star. From the gloomy wings of the raven He took her hair, and the beautiful tint of her cheek He took from the wild-flowers. Her teeth He took from the white snows of winter, and her lips are like the roses of the east that the west never saw. Her swiftness and grace He took from the antelope. Nobility from the eagle, and gentleness He took from the dove. Her smile He took from the sunrise. That is why her smile brings light and joy into my gloomy heart.
Weber.Dat’s jes’ de way He made my gal, but jes’ as He war finishin’ de job He drap her into de ink pot.
Nutt(screaming). Oh, how ridiculous. I’ll not stay another minute in your company.
[Exit,D. C.,haughtily.
Case.He sure is smart all right.
Ruff.Smart? Why, dat’s hisn interleck. He’s more interleck den brains, en if he keeps on he’s goin’ ter be all interleck.
Weber.Say, I’se been tryin’ ter learn de alphabet. What comes after “G”?
Ruff.Whiz.
Hans(tapping bell; enterHop). Here, boy, here’s some good instructions on “How to run a hotel.” Please see that they are carried out.
(Hopplaces them carefully in the waste-basket and carries all outD. C.)
Case.Landlord, I have here a note for $5,000; will you endorse it?
Hans.Endorse it?
Case.Yes, sign your name on the back of it?
Hans.Sure I vill. I know you’ll never pay it, so here’s vere ve haf a laugh at der bank’s expense. (Signs paper.)
Ruff.See here, nigger, dat travelin’ salesman’s job looks like an uplift to me.
Weber.Looks more like a hold-up.
Case(turning away from desk). Landlord, I saw, as I was coming into the hotel, what must have been a fine vegetable garden alongside of the hotel. Were you successful with it?
Hans.Successful? Yah, I bane tink so. My neighbor’s hens dook first prize at der boultry show.
Case.Well, that’s a trick of the trade.
Ruff.(pointing to Hans). His trade is full of tricks.
Hans.Iss dot so? For vy you say dot?
Ruff.Aw, don’t I know all about de tricks of your trade? Do you think I’ve been living in hotels all my life for nothing?
Weber.I wouldn’t doubt it.
Hop(enteringR. 1 E.). Sir, the cook wants to know if he should cook your Welsh rarebit?
Hans.Might he could.
[ExitHop.
Gretch(going after boy). Here, vait. I bane tink I vant der left hind foot of dot rabbit.
[Exit afterHop.
Case.That boy of yours is surely smart.
Hans.You bane tink so? I bane teach him everyting I know, und he’s still an ignorant fool.
(Song. After songTony,reading paper, begins to cry.)
Ruff.Every time he hears me sing, he starts crying.
Weber.He ought to put cotton in his ears.
Hans.Vot’s der madder mit you? For vy you make me dose tears in der face?
Tony.Meester (sobbing)—Meester (sobbing) Rockefeller, hee’s dead.
Ruff.What’s dat got to do wif you? You ain’t any relation to him.
Tony.Dat’s-a make-a me cry. (Sobs.)
Case.Aw, say, are you all going to be pessimists? Wake up your optimism, why don’t you? Don’t you know that an optimist doesn’t care what happens?
Weber.So long as hit don’t happen to him.
Ruff.Say, that statement was pretty smooth, Mr. Case.
Case.Well, you have to be smooth to get on top these days.
Hans.Und you get smooth on top getting there.
Weber.If yo’ don’t put a check to dat interleck of yours, Mr. Landlord, you’ll be gettin’ concussion ob de brain.
Tony.’At’s-a mean dat concussion you?
Ruff.Well, you see——
Weber(toRuff.). Say, does you know anything ’bout de symptoms of concussion ob de brain?
Ruff.Why—er—yes.
Weber.Well, if me en Mr. Case war ter bang our heads together, would we git concussion ob de brain?
Ruff.(looking from one to the other). Mr. Case might.
Weber(insulted). You’re not very much of a Christian.
Ruff.Why?
Weber.Well, ’cause you fabricates.
Ruff.Me tell lies? Nothing. I’d ruther be er Christian den to lie or be a heathen.
Case.Why would you sooner be a Christian than a heathen?
Ruff.’Cause—over the Christian the Great Lord watches.
Weber.Yeh?—Is dat so?—Well, over de heathen Ingersol watches.
Case.But Weber, you don’t understand that a Christian has a reward an’ a crown of glory.
Weber.Is dat so? How big is de reward?
Case.Well, that depends on how good a feller has been.
Weber.Den who does yo’ s’pose is gwine ter git de biggest crown?
Ruff.Him what’s got de biggest head.
Hop(enteringL. 1 E.). Sir, a gentleman just walked out and refused to pay his lunch check.
Hans.For vy?
Hop.Well, he ordered three eggs from the waiter and wanted them four minutes boiled.
Hans.Den vot?
Hop.There was only one egg in the house, and the cook boiled it twelve minutes.
Hans.Dot shows der value of higher edumacation.
[ExitHop.
Case.That customer didn’t display very much gratitude.
Weber.Gratitude? What’s dat?
Ruff.You don’t know what gratitude is?
Weber.Nope.
Hans.Vy, even a cow has gratitude.
Weber.Den I don’t want it.
Ruff.Well, listen. I’ll explain just what gratitude is. You remember when we was coming erlong de road in my limousine?
Weber(amused). Yep.
Ruff.You remember one day when we stopped for lunch, we heard a moaning longside of de road? ’Member dat I found a covered basket in de bushes, and on opening it there lay a real live pickaninny?
Weber.Yep, a sho’ nuf black one.
Ruff.Yes. Well, remember that it was very cold that day, and I took off my great fur-lined coat and lifting the little pickaninny out of the basket laid it into the warm folds of my coat and covered it over. Then when he got quite warm and comfortable, in the deepest sense of gratitude the little feller looked up at me and said——
Weber.Papa.
CURTAIN