Congratulatory OdeTo Hon'ble Poet-Laureate Alfred Austin, Esq.
Hail! you full-blown tulip!Oh! when the wheezing zephyr brought glad newsOf your judicious appointment, no hearts who did peruse,Such a long-desiderated slice of good luck were sorry at,To a most prolific and polacious Poet-Laureate!For nopoeta nasciturwho is fitterTo greet Royal progeny with melodious twitter.Seated on the resplendent cloud of official Elysium,Far away, far away from fuliginous busy humYou are now perched with phenomenal velocityOn vertiginous pinnacle of poetic pomposity!Yet deign to cock thy indulgent eye at the petitionOf one consumed by corresponding ambition,And lend the helping hand to lift, pulley-hauley,To Parnassian Peak this poor perspiring Bengali!Whosears poetica(as per sample lyric)Is fully competent to turn out panegyric.What if some time to come, perhaps not distant,You were in urgent need of Deputy-Assistant!For two Princesses might be confined simultaneously—Then, how to homage the pair extemporaneously?Or with Nuptial Ode, lack-a-daisy! What a fixIf with Influenza raging like cat on hot bricks!In such a wrong box you will please remember yours truly,Who can do the needful satisfactorily and duly,By anepithalamium(or what not) to inflame your creditWith every coronated head that will have read it!And thequid pro quo, magnificent and grand Sir!Would be at the rate of four annas for every stanza,Now, thou who scale sidereal paths afar dost,Deign from thy brilliant boots to cast the superfluous star-dustUponThe head of himWhose fate dependsOn Thee!
Hail! you full-blown tulip!Oh! when the wheezing zephyr brought glad newsOf your judicious appointment, no hearts who did peruse,Such a long-desiderated slice of good luck were sorry at,To a most prolific and polacious Poet-Laureate!For nopoeta nasciturwho is fitterTo greet Royal progeny with melodious twitter.Seated on the resplendent cloud of official Elysium,Far away, far away from fuliginous busy humYou are now perched with phenomenal velocityOn vertiginous pinnacle of poetic pomposity!Yet deign to cock thy indulgent eye at the petitionOf one consumed by corresponding ambition,And lend the helping hand to lift, pulley-hauley,To Parnassian Peak this poor perspiring Bengali!Whosears poetica(as per sample lyric)Is fully competent to turn out panegyric.What if some time to come, perhaps not distant,You were in urgent need of Deputy-Assistant!For two Princesses might be confined simultaneously—Then, how to homage the pair extemporaneously?Or with Nuptial Ode, lack-a-daisy! What a fixIf with Influenza raging like cat on hot bricks!In such a wrong box you will please remember yours truly,Who can do the needful satisfactorily and duly,By anepithalamium(or what not) to inflame your creditWith every coronated head that will have read it!And thequid pro quo, magnificent and grand Sir!Would be at the rate of four annas for every stanza,Now, thou who scale sidereal paths afar dost,Deign from thy brilliant boots to cast the superfluous star-dustUponThe head of himWhose fate dependsOn Thee!
(
Signed
)
Baboo Hurry Bungsho Jabberjee.
The above was forwarded (post-paid) to Hon'bleAustin'sofficial address at Poet's Corner, Westminster Abbey (opposite the Royal Aquarium), but—hoity-toity andmirabile dictu!—no answer has yet been vouchsafed to yours truly save the cold shoulder of contemptuous inattention!
What a pity! Well-a-day, that we should find such passions of envy and jealousy in bosom of a distinguished poet, whose lucubrated productions may (for all that is known to the present writer) be no great shakes after all, and mere food for powder!
The British public is an ardent lover of the scintillating jewellery of fair play, and so I confidently submit my claims and poetical compositions to be arbitrated by the unanimous voice of all who understand such articles.
Let us remember that it is never too late to pull down the fallen idol out of the gilded shrine in which it has established itself with the egotistical isolation of a dog with the mange!
Containing Mr Jabberjee's Impressions at The Old Masters.
I havethe honour to report that the phantom of delight has recently recommenced to dance before me.
MissJessimina Mankletow, the perfumed, moony-faced daughter of the gracious and eagle-eyed goddess who presides over the select boarding establishment in which I am resident member, has of late emerged from the shell of superciliousness, and brought the beaming eye of encouragement to bear upon my diffidence and humility.
Miss Jessimina Mankletow."MISS JESSIMINA MANKLETOW."
"MISS JESSIMINA MANKLETOW."
This I partly attribute to general impression—which I do not condescend to deny—that, at home, I occupy the social status of a Rajah, or some analogous kind of big native pot.
So, on a recent Saturday afternoon, she invited me to escort her and a similar young virginal lady friend, by name MissPriscilla Primmett, to Burlington House, Piccadilly, and, asPrince Hamletappositely remarks, "Look here upon this picture and on this." Which I joyfully accepted, being head-over-heels in love with Art, and the possessor of two magnificent coloured photo-lithographs, representinga steeplechase in the act of jumping a trench, and a water-nymph in the verydécolletéundress of "puris naturalibus," weltering on a rushy bed.
We proceeded thither upon the giddy summit of a Royal Oak omnibus, and on arriving in the vestibulum, were peremptorily commanded to undergo total abstinence from our umbrellas.
Being accompanied by the span-new silken affair with the golden head, which, as I have narratedsupra, I was so lucky to obtain promiscuously after witnessing the Adelphi of the Westminster college boys, I naturally protested vehemently against such arbitrary and tyrannical regulations, urging the risk of my unprotected umbrella being feloniously abducted during unavoidable absence by some unprincipled and illegitimate claimant.
But, alack! I was confronted with the official ultimatum andsine quâ non, and have subsequently learnt that the cause of this self-denying ordinance is due to the uncontrollable enthusiasm of British Public for works of art, which leads them to signify approbation by puncturing innumerable orifices by dint of sticks or umbrellas in the process of pointing out tit-bits of painting, and on account of the detrimental influence on the marketable value of pictures thus distinguished by the plerophory of theVox Populi.
Nevertheless, my heart was oppressed withmany misgivings at having to hand over three hostage umbrellas—one being masculine and two feminine gender—and receiving nothing in exchange but a wooden medallion of no intrinsic worth, bearing the utterly disproportionate number of over one thousand! Next, after, at MissJessimina'sbidding, having purchased a sixpenny index, we ascended the staircase, and on shelling out three shillings cash payment, were consecutively squeezed through a restricted wicket as if needles going through the eye of a camel.
I will vouchsafe to aver that my interior sensations on penetrating the first gallery were those of acute and indignant disappointment, for will it be credited that a working majority of the exhibits were second, or even third and fourth-hand mechanisms of an unparagoned dingitude, and fit only for the lumbering room?
Perhaps I shall be told that this wintry exhibition is a mere stopgap and makeshift, until a fresh supply of bright new paintings can be procured, and that it isultra viresto obtain such for love or money before the merry month of May.
Still I must persist in denouncing the penny wisdom and pound foolery of the Academicals in foisting off upon the public such ancient and fish-like articles that have long ceased to bebon tonand in the fashion, since it is undeniable that many are over fifty years, and some several centuries behind the times!
It is to be hoped that these parsimonious Misters will soon recognise that it is not possible for modern up-to-date Art to be florescent under this retrograde and fossilized system, and be warned that such untradesmanlike goings-on will deservedly forfeit the confidence and patronage of their most fastidious customers.
MissJessiminaremarked more than once that such and such a picture was not inhertaste and she would never have chosen it personally, while MissPrimmettdeclared that she would not have had her likeness taken by Hon'ble SirJosh Gainsboro, or MistersVelaskyandVandick, not even if they implored her on their bended marrowbones, and that, as for a certain individual effeminately namedEtty, it was a wonderment to her how respectable people could stand in front of such brazen performances! These remarks are trivial, perhaps, but even straws will serve as cocks of the weather on occasions, and, moreover, I shall certify that the most general tone was of a critical and disapproving severity, and it was quite evident that the greater portion of the spectators could have done the job better themselves.
A certain MisterTurnercame in for theBenjamin'smess of obloquy, having represented Pluto, the god of wealth, in the act of carrying off a female Proserpine, but the figures so Lilliputian, and in such a disproportionate expansionof confused sceneries, that the elopement produced but a very paltry impression. The slipshod carelessness of this painter may be realised from the fact that in a composition styled "Blue Lights to Warn Steamboats off Shoal Water," the blue lights are conspicuous by their total absence, and the mistiness of the atmospherical conditions renders it difficult to distinguish either the steamers or the shoals with even tolerable accuracy!
In the ulterior room were sundry productions from Umbrian and Milanese and other schools, such being presumptively the teaching establishments over which Hon'bleReynoldsandTurnerandGreuzyand Co. predominated as Old Masters. But surely it is unfair, and like seething a kid in the maternal nutriment, to class such crude and hobbardyhoy performances with works by more senile hands!
Here I observed a painting to illustrate scenes in the life of an important celebrity, who was childishly represented many times over having separate adventures in the space of a few square feet, and of a Brobdingnacian bulkiness compared to his perspective surroundings.
Had this been the work of an Indian artist, native gentlemen out there would simply have smiled pitiably at such ignorance, and given him the gentle admonishment that he was only to make a fool of himself for his pains. There was also a picture of a Diptych, in two portions, with abackground of gilt, but the figure of the Diptych himself very poorly represented as an anatomy.
Where all is so so-so, and below par, it is perhaps invidious to single out any for hon'ble mention; but loyalty as a British subject obliges me to speak favourably of a concern lent by Her Majesty theQueen, and representing a bombastical youth engaged in a snip-snap with a meek and inoffensive schoolfellow, who supports himself on one leg, and is occupied in sheltering his nose behind his arm, until his widowed and aged mother can arrive to rescue her beloved offspring from his grave crisis.
This at least can be commended as being true to nature, as I can attest from personal experience of similar boyish loggerheads, although, owing to preserving mysang froid, I was generally able to remove myself with phenomenal rapidity from vicinity of shocking kicks by my truculent assailant.
Let me not omit to mention a painting of "Polichinelle" by a Gallic artist, which MissPrimmettsaid was the French equivalent toPunch. At which, speaking loudly for instruction of bystanders, I assured them, as one familiarly connected with Hon'blePunch, who regarded me as a son, such a portrait was the very antipode to his majestic lineaments, nor was it reasonable to suppose that he would allow his counterfeit presentment to be depicted in the undignified garbage of a buffoon!
I trust that I may be gratefully remembered by my Liege Lord, and that he will be gracious enough to entertain me favourably with something in the shape of prize or bonus in reward for such open testimony as the above.
I have only to add that the custodian preserved the inviolability of our umbrellas with honorable fidelity, and that we moistened the drooping clay of our internal tenements at an Aërated Tea Company with a profusion of confectionaries, for which my fair friends with amiable blandness permitted me the privilege of forking out.
In which Mr Jabberjee expresses his Opinions on Bicycling as a Pastime.
Inconsequence of the increasing demands of the incomparable MissJessiminaupon the dancing attendance of your humble servant, I am lately become as idle as a newly painted ship, and have not drunk in the legal wisdom of the learnedMoonsheeswho lecture in the hall of my Inn of Court, or opened the ponderous treatise of Hon'ble JusticeBlackstoneorAddisononTorts, for many a blank day.
Still, as PhilosopherPlatoobserved, "Nihil humani alienum a me puto," and my time has not been actually squandered in the theft of Procrastination, but rather employed in the proper study of Mankind, and acquiring a more complete knowingness inArs Vivendi.
So I think it worth to direct public attention to the dangers of a practice which threatens to develop into an epidemical kind of plague, and carry the deteriorating trails of a serpent over our household families, unless promptly scotched by benevolent firmness of a paternal Government.
Need I explain I am alluding to the nowadaypassion for propelling oneself at a severe speed by dint of unstable and most precarious machinery? It is now the exception which breaks the rule to take the air in the streets without being startled by the unseemly spectacles of go-ahead citizens straddled upon such revolutionary contrivances, threading their way with breakneck velocity under the very noses of omnibus and other horses, and ringing the shrill welkin of a tintinnabulating gong!
Nay, even after the Curfew has taken its toll from the knell of parting day, and darkness reigns supreme, they will urge on their wild career, illuminated by the dim religious light of a small oil lamp!
I possess no knack of medical knowledge, but I boldly state my opinion that such daredevilry must necessarily inflict a deleterious result to the nervous organisms of these riders; and, who knows, of their posterity?
For no one can expect to have hairbreadth escapes from the running gauntlet continuously, without suffering a shattering internal panic, while catastrophes of fatal injury to life and limb have becomede rigueur.
Experto crede—for I can support myobiter dictumby the crushing weight of personal experience. A few mornings since I had the honour to escort MissJessimina Mankletowand a middle-aged select female boarder into the interior of Hyde Park. The day was fine,though frigid, and I was wearing my fur-lined overcoat, with boots of patent Japan leather, and a Bombay gold-embroidered cap, so that I was a mould of form and the howling nob.
Picture my amazement when, as I promenaded the path beside the waters of the Serpentine lake, I beheld a wheeled cavalcade of every conceivable age, sex, and appearance; senile gaffers and baby buntings; multitudinous women, some plump as a duckling, others thin as a paper-thread; aye, and even priests in sanctimonious black and milk-white cravats, rolling swiftly upon two wheels, and all agog to dash through thick and thin!
On seeing which, the matured lady boarder did exclaim upon the difficulties of the performance, and the vast crowd that had collected to view such atour de force, but I, perceiving that those seated upon the machines used no exorbitant exertions, and, indeed, appeared to be wholly engrossed in social intercourse, responded that no skill was required to circulate these bicycles, which, owing to being surrounded with air-cushions, would proceedproprio motuand without meandering.
Thereupon MissMankletowexpressed an ardent desire to behold myself upon one of these same machines, and—as we were now close to the effigy of Hon'ble Duke ofWellingtondisguised as an Achilles, nearwhich were certainbunniahstrafficking with bicycles—I, wishing to pleasure my fair companion, approached one of these contractors and bargained with him for the sole user of his vehicle for the space of one calendar hour, to which he consented at thehonorariumof one rupee four annas.
But, on receiving the bicycle from his hands, I at once perceived myself under a total impossibility of achieving its ascent—for no sooner had I protruded one leg over the saddle than the foremost wheel averted itself, and the entire machine bit the dust, which afforded lively and infinite entertainment to my feminine companions.
I, however, reproached thebunniahfor furnishing a worn-out effete affair that was not in working order or a going concern, but he, by assuring me that it was all right, cajoled me into trying once more.
I instantaneously endured the total upset!"I INSTANTANEOUSLY ENDURED THE TOTAL UPSET!"
"I INSTANTANEOUSLY ENDURED THE TOTAL UPSET!"
So, divesting myself of my fur-lined overcoat, which I commanded a hobbardyhoy of the sweeper class to hold, I again mounted upon the saddle, while the proprietor of the machine sustained it in a position of rectitude, and then, supporting me by the superfluity of my pantaloons, he propelled me from the rear, counselling me to press my feet vigorously upon the paddles. But it all proved as the labour of Sisyphus, for the seat was of sadly insufficient dimensions and adamantine hardihood, and whenever thebicycle-man released his hold, I instantaneously endured the total upset!
Then again I reproved him for hisPunica fides, informing him that I required a machine that would run with smooth progressiveness, precisely similar to those I beheld in motion around me. To which he replied that I must not expect to be able to rideimpromptuas well as individuals who had only mastered the accomplishment by long continuity of practice and industry.
"Oh, man of wily tongue!" I addressed him. "Not thus will you bamboozle my supposed simplicity! For if the art were indeed so difficult as you pretend, how should it be acquired by so many timid and delicate feminines and mere nurselings? This machine of yours is nothing but an obsoletehors de combatwith which it is not humanly possible to work the oracle!"
At which, waxing with indignation, he leaped upon it, and to my surprise, did easily propel it in whatsoever direction he pleased, and its motive power appeared to be similar in every respect to the rest; so, beguiled by his representations that, under his instructions, I should speedily become achef-d'œuvre, I once more suffered myself to mount the machine; but whether from superabundant energy of my foot-paddling, or the alarming fact that we were upon the descent of a precipitous slope, I wassoon horrified at finding that my instructor was stripped out, and I abandoned to the lurch of my Caudine fork!
Oh, my goodness! My heart turns to water at the nude recollection of such an unparalleled predicament, for the now unrestrained bicyclevires acquirit eundo, and in seven-league boots! While I, wet as a clout with anxiety and perspiration, did grasp the handles like the horns of a dilemma, calling out in agonised accents to the bystanders,—"Help! I am running away with myself! Half a rupee for my life-preserver!"
But they were all as if to burst with laughter, and none had the ordinary heroism to intervene, and I with ever increasing rapidity was borne helplessly down the declivity towards the gates of Hyde Park Corner, when, by the benevolence of Providence, the anterior wheel ran under a railing, and I flew off like a tangent into the comparative security of a mud-barrow!
On my return and solicitous inquiry for my fur-lined overcoat, I had the further shock to discover that it wassolvitur ambulando!
After such a shuddering experience and narrow squeak of my safety, I confidently appeal to the authorities to extinguish this highly dangerous and foolhardy sort of so-called amusement, or at the very least to issue paternal orders that, in future, no one shall be permitted to ride upon any bicycle possessingless than three wheels, or guilty of a greater celerity than three (or four) miles per hour.
The fair MissMankletowamended this proposal by suggesting that the Public should be restricted at once to perambulators; but this is, perhaps,majori cautelâ, and an instance of the over-solicitude of the female intellect, for it is not feasible to treat an adult, who has assumed thetoga virilisand tall hat, as if he was still mewling and puking in a tucker and bib.
Dealing with his Adventures at Olympia.
Thedialoquial form is now become an indispensiblefactotumin periodical literature, and so, like abrebis de Panurge, I shall follow the fashion occasionally,—though with rather more obedience to a literary elegant style of phraseology than my predecessors inPunchhave thought worth to practise.
Time: the other morning. Scene: the breakfast table at Porticobello House, Ladbroke Grove. Myself and other select boarders engaged in masticating fowl eggs with their concomitant bacon, while intelligently discussing topical subjects (for we carry out the poetical recipe of "Plain thinking and high living").
Miss Jessimina(at the table-head). The papers seem eloquent in laudation of the Sporting and Military Show at Olympia. How I should like to go if I had anyone to take me!
Mr Wylie(stingily). And I would be enraptured at so tip-top an opportunity, but for circumstance of being stonily broken.
[Helps himself to the surviving fowl egg.
Mr Cossetter(in sepulchral tone). Alack!that doctorial prescriptions do nill for me such nocturnal jinks; otherwise——
[He treats himself to a digestible pill.
Myself(taking a leap into the darkness and deadly breaches). Since other gentlemen are not more obsequious in gallantry, I hereby tender myself for honour of accompanyist andvade mecum.
Miss Jess.(lowering the silken curtains of her almond-like orbs). Oh, really,Prince! Soveryunexpected! I must obtain the expert opinion of my Mamma.
MistressMankletowdid approve the jaunt on condition of our being saddled by a select lady boarder of the name ofSpinkas atertium quidto play at propriety; at which I was internally disgusted, fearing she would play the old gooseberry with ourtête-à-tête.
Having arrived at Olympia, we perambulated the bazaar prior to the commencement of the shows, and here (after parting with rs. 8 for three seats on the balcony) I did bleed more freely still, for MissJessiminaexpressed a passionate longing to possess my profile, snipped out of paper by the scissors of a Silhouette, for which I mulcted one shilling sterling.
And, after all, although it proved thealter egoand speaking likeness of my embossed Bombay cap and golden spectacles, she found the fault that it rendered my complexion of a too excessive murksomeness; not reflecting (with feminineimperceptivity) that, the material being black as a Stygian, this criticism applied to the portraitures of all alike!
Farther on I presented her and the female gooseberry with a pocket-handkerchief a-piece, interwoven by a mechanism with their baptismal appellation (another rupee!).
Then we arrived at a cage containing an automatic Devil revealing the future for a penny in the slit, and MissJessiminaworked the oracle with a coin advanced by myself, and the demon, after flashing his optics and consulting sundry playing-cards, did presently produce a small paper which she opened eagerly.
Miss Jess.(after perusal). Only fancy! It says I'm "to marry a dark man, and go for a long journey, and be very rich." What ridiculous nonsense! do you not think so,Prince?
Myself(with a tender sauciness). PoetShakspeareasserts there are more things in Heaven and earth than the Horatian philosophy. I am not a superstitious—and yet this mechanical demon may have seen correctly through the brick wall of Futurity. Have you not a worshipful adorer who might be described as dark, and to whose native land it is a long journey?
Miss Jess.(with the complexion of a tomato). It's time we took our seats for the performance. And you are not to be a silly!
It is notorious that the English femalevocabulary contains no more caressing and flattering epithet than this of "a silly," so that I repaired to my seat immoderately encouraged by such gracious appreciation.
Of the show, I can testify that it was truly magnificent, though the introductory portion was somewhat spoilt by the too great prevalence of the bicycle, which is daily increasing its ubiquity, nor do I see the rationality of engaging asaisin topped boots to attend upon each machine, under the transparent pretentiousness of its belonging to the equine genus, since it can never become the similitude of a horse in mettlesome vivacity.
My companions marvelled greatly at the severe curvature of the extremities of the cycle-track, which were shaped like the interior of a huge bowl, and while I was demonstrating to them how, from scientific considerations and owing to the centrifugal forces of gravitation, it was not possible for any rider to become a loser of his equilibrium—lo and behold! two of the competitors made thefacilis descensus, and were intermingled in the weltering hotchpot of a calamity.
But on being disentangled they did limp away, and it is allowable to hope that they suffered no serious dismantling of their vital organs. Still, I cannot approve of these bicycle contentions, which are veritable provocative flights at the providential features.
After the termination I conducted myprotégéesto the Palmarium, where we sat under a shrub imbibing lemon crushes, brought by a neat-handed Phyllis in the uniform of a house-maid intermixed with a hospital nurse.
Here occurred a most discomposingcontretemps, for presently MissJessiminauttered the complaint that two strangers were regarding herself and MissSpinkwith the brazen eyes of a sheep, and even making personal comments on my nationality, which rendered me like toad under a harrow with burning indignation.
At length, being utterly beside myself with rage, I summoned one of the Phyllises and requested her to take steps to abate the nuisance, being met with a smiling "Nolo Episcopari." So, entreating my companions not to give way to panic and leave their cause in my hands, I went in search of a policeman.
Unfortunately some time flew before I could find one at liberty to understand my crucial position, nor could I obtain from him a legal opinion as to whether I could administer a cuff or a slap in the ear to my insulters without incurring risk of retaliation in kind.
With a large, stout constable."WITH A LARGE, STOUT CONSTABLE."
"WITH A LARGE, STOUT CONSTABLE."
And, on returning to the spot with a large, stout constable, I had the mortification to discover that the two impolite strangers had departed, and that MissesMankletowandSpinkwere similarly imperceptible.
However, after prolonged search and mentalanxiety, I returned alone, and was rewarded by finding my fair friends arrived in safety; and hearing that the two strangers had explained, in the gentlemanly terms of an apology, that they had mistaken them for acquaintances.
Consequently I am thankful that I did not execute my design of assault and battery, more especially as I am the happy receiver of many handsome compliments on all sides upon the tactfulness andsavoir fairewith which I extricated myself from my shocking fix.
At which my countenance beams with the shiny resplendency of self-satisfaction.
How Mr Jabberjee risked a Sprat to capture something very like a Whale.
I amthis week to narrate an unprecedented stroke of bad luck occurring to the present writer. The incipience of the affair was the addressing of a humble petition to the indulgent ear of Hon'blePunch, calling attention to the great copiousness of my literary out-put, and the ardent longing I experienced to behold the colour of money on account. On which, by returning post, my parched soul was reinvigorated by the refreshing draught of adraft(if I may be permitted the rather facetiousjeu de mots) payable to my order.
So uplifted by pride at finding the insignificant crumbs I had cast upon the journalistic waters return to me after numerous days in the improved form of loaves and fishes, I wended my footsteps to the bank on which my cheque was drafted, and requested the bankers behind the counter to honour it with the equivalent in filthy lucres, which they did with obsequious alacrity.
Was accosted by a polite, agreeable stranger."WAS ACCOSTED BY A POLITE, AGREEABLE STRANGER."
"WAS ACCOSTED BY A POLITE, AGREEABLE STRANGER."
After closely inspecting the notes to satisfy myself that I had not been imposed upon by meretricious counterfeits, I emerged with abeaming and joyful countenance, stowing the needful away carefully in an interior pocket, and, on descending the bank step, was accosted by a polite, agreeable stranger, who, begging my pardon with profusion, inquired whether he had not had the honour of voyaging from India with me in the—the—for his life he could not recall the name of the ship—he should forget his own name presently!
"Indeed," I answered him, "I cannot remember having the felicity of an encounter with you upon theKaisar-i-Hind."
The Stranger: "To be sure; thatwasthe name! A truly magnificent vessel! I forget names—but faces, never! And yours I remember from the striking resemblance to my dear friend, the Maharajah of Bahanapúr—you know him?—a very elegant young, handsome chap. A splendidShikarri! I was often on the verge of asking if you were related; but being then but a second-class passenger, and under an impecunious cloud, did not dare to take the liberty. Now, being on the bed of clover owing to decease of wealthy uncle, I can address you without the mortifying fear of misconstruction."
So, in return, I, without absolutely claiming consanguinity with the Maharajah (of whom, indeed, I had never heard), did inform him that I, too, was munching the slice of luck, having just drawn the princely instalment of a salaryfor jots and tittles contributed to periodicalPunch. Whereat he warmly congratulated me, expressing high appreciation of my articles and abilities, but exclaiming at the miserable paucity of myhonorarium, saying he was thick as a thief with the Editor, and would leave no stone unturned to procure me a greater adequacy of remuneration for writings that were dirt cheap at a Jew's eye.
And presently he invited me to accompany him to a respectable sort of tavern, and solicited the honour of my having a "peg" at his expense; to which I, perceiving him to be a good-natured, simple fellow, inflated by sudden prosperity, consented, accepting, contrary to my normal habitude, his offer of a brandy panee, or an old Tom.
While we were discoursing of India (concerning which I found that, like most globular trotters, he had not been long enough in the country to be accurately informed), enters a third party, who, it so happened, was an early acquaintance of my companion, though separated by the old lang sign of a longinquity. What followed I shall render in a dialogue form.
The Third party: Why,Tomkins, you have a prosperous appearance,Tomkins. When last met, you suffered from the impecuniosity of a churched mouse. Have you made your fortune,Tomkins?
Mr Tomkins.I am too easy a goer, and thereare too many rogues in the world, that I should ever make my own fortune,Johnson! Happily for me, an opulent and ancient avuncular relative has lately departed to reside with the morning stars, and left me wealth outside the dream of an avaricious!
Mr Johnson(enviously). God bless my soul! Some folks have the good luck. (To me, whispering.) A poor ninny-hammer sort of chap, he will soon throw it away on drakes and ducks! (Aloud, toMrTomkins.) Splendid! I congratulate you sincerely.
Mr T.(in a tone of dolesomeness). The heart knoweth where the shoe pinches it,Johnson. My lot is not a rose-bed. For my antique and eccentric relative must needs insert a testamentary condition commanding me to forfeit the inheritance, unless, within three calendered months from his last obsequies, I shall have distributed ten thousand pounds amongst young deserving foreigners. To-morrow time is up, and I have still a thousand pounds to give away! But how to discover genuine young deserving foreigners in so short a space? Truly, I go in fear of losing the whole!
Mr J.Let me act as yourbudliin this and distribute the remaining thousand.
Mr T.From what I remember of you as a youth, I cannot wholly rely on your discretion. Rather would I place my confidence in this gentleman.
[Indicating myself, who turned orange with pleasure.
Mr J.Indeed? And how know you that he may not adhere to the entire thousand?
Mr T.And if he does, it is no matter, if he is a genuine deserving. I can give the whole to him if I am so minded, and he need not give away a penny of it unless inclined.
[At which I was fit to dance with delight.
Mr J.I deny that you possess the power, seeing that he is a British subject, and as such cannot be styled a "foreigner."
Mr T.There you have mooted a knotty point indeed. Alas, that we have no forensic big-wig here to decide it!
Myself(modestly). As a native poor student of English law, I venture to think that, by dint of my legal attainments, I shall be enabled to crack the Gordian nut. I am distinctly of opinion that an individual born of dusky parents in a tropical climateisa foreigner, in the eye of British prejudice, and within the meaning of the testator. [And here I maintained my assertion by a logomachy of such brilliancy and erudition that I completely convinced the minds of both auditors.
Mr J.(grumblingly, toMrTomkins). Assuming he is correct, why favourhimmore thanme?
Mr T.Because instinct informs me that a gentleman with such a face as his—howeverdusky—may be trusted, and with the untold gold!
Mr J.(jealously). And I am not to be trusted! If you were to hand me yourportemonnaienow, full of notes and gold, and let me walk into the street with it, do you doubt that I should return? Speak,Tomkins!
Mr T.Assuredly not; but so, too, would this gentleman. (To me, asMrJohnsonsneered a doubt.) Here, you, Sir, take thisportemonnaieout into the street for five minutes or so, I trust to your honour to return it intact. (After I had emerged triumphantly from this severe ordeal of mybonâ fide.) Aha,Johnson! am I the judge of men or not?
Mr J.(still seeking, as I could see, to undermine me in his friend's favour). Pish! Who would steal a paltry £50 and lose £1000? If I had so much to give away, I should wish to be sure that the party I was about to endow had corresponding confidence inme. Now, though I have always considered you as a dull, I know you to be strictly honest, and would trust you with all I possess. In proof of which, take these two golden sovereigns and few shillings outside. Stay away as long as you desire. You will return, I know you well!
Myself(penetrating this shallow artifice, and hoisting the engine-driver on his own petard). Who would not risk a paltry £2 to gain £1000? Oh, a magnificent confidence, truly!
Mr J.(to me). Have you the ordinary manly pluck to act likewise? If you are expecting him to trust you with the pot of money, he has a right to expect to be trusted in return. That is logic!
Mr T.(mildly). No,Johnson, you are too hasty,Johnson. The cases are different. I can understand the gentleman's very natural hesitation. I do not ask him to show his confidence in me—enough that I feel I can trusthim. If he doubts my honesty, I shall think no worse of him; whichever way I decide eventually.
[Here, terrified lest by hesitation I had wounded him at his quick, and lest, after all, he should decide to entrust the thousand pounds toMrJohnson,I hastily produced all the specie and bullion I had upon me, including a valuable large golden chronometer and chain of best English make, and besought him to go into the outer air for a while with them, which, after repeated refusals, he at last consented to do, leavingMyselfandMrJohnsonto wait.
[Here, terrified lest by hesitation I had wounded him at his quick, and lest, after all, he should decide to entrust the thousand pounds toMrJohnson,I hastily produced all the specie and bullion I had upon me, including a valuable large golden chronometer and chain of best English make, and besought him to go into the outer air for a while with them, which, after repeated refusals, he at last consented to do, leavingMyselfandMrJohnsonto wait.
Mr J.(after tedious lapse of ten minutes). Strange! I expected him back before this. But he is an absent-minded, chuckle-headed chap. Very likely he is staring at a downfallen horse and has forgotten this affair. I had better go in search of him. What? you willcome, too. Capital! Then if you go to the right, and I to the left, we cannot miss him!
But, alack! we did; and, in a short time, both Misters were invisible to the nude eye, nor have I heard from them since. Certain of my fellow-boarders, on hearing the matter, declared that I had been diddled by a bamboozle-trick; but it is egregiously absurd that my puissance in knowledge of the world should have been so much at fault; and, moreover, why should one who had succeeded to vast riches seek to rob me of my paltry possessions? It is much more probable that they are still diligently seeking for me, having omitted, owing to hurry of moment, to ascertain my name and address; and I hereby request MrTomkins, on reading this, to forward the thousand pounds (or so much thereof as in his munificent generosity he may deem sufficient) to me at Porticobello House, Ladbroke Grove, W., or care of his friend, the Editor ofPunch, by whom it will (I am sure) be honourably handed over intact.
Nor need MrTomkinsfear my reproaches for his dilatoriness, for there is a somewhat musty proverb that "Procrastination is preferable to Neverness."
How Mr Jabberjee delivered an Oration at a Ladies' Debating Club.
Miss Spink(whom I have mentionedsupraas a feminine inmate of Porticobello House) isin addituma member of a Debating Female Society, which assembles once a week in various private Westbourne Grove parlours, for argumentative intercourse.
So, she expressing an anxious desire that I should attend one of these conclaves, I consented, on ascertaining that I should be afforded the opportunity of parading the gab with which I have been gifted in an extemporised allocution.
On the appointed evening I directed my steps, under the guidance of the said MissSpink, to a certain imposing stucco residence hard by, wherein were an assortment of female women conversing with vivacious garrulity, in a delicious atmosphere of tea, coffee, and buttered bread.