Mr Jabberjee tries a fresh tack. His visit to the India Office and sympathetic reception.
Inmy last I had the honour to report the total non-success of my endeavour to nill my betrothal on plea of astrological objections, and how I was consequentially up the tree of embarrassment.
I have since resolved that honesty is my best politics, and have confessed to MissMankletowin a well-expressed curt letter that I am only the possessor of a courtesy title, and, so far from rolling on the rosy bed of unlimited rhino, am out of elbows, and dependent upon parental remittances for pin-money.
For corroboration of said statements I begged to refer her politely to my benevolent friend and patron, Hon'ble SirCummerbund, Nevern Square, South Kensington; to whom I simultaneously wrote a private and confidential note, instructing him that if any young female person was to inquire particulars of my birth, origin, &c., he was to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, especially making itclear that I was neither a tip-top Rajah, nor a Leviathan of filthy lucre.
The rest (up to present date) is silence; but I have confident hopes that the manly, straightforward stratagem suggested by my friend, youngHoward, will accomplish the job, and procure me the happy release.
I am now to pass to a different subject—to wit, a visit I paid some time since to the India Office. The why of the wherefore was that, in conversation with theAllbutt-Innetts, I had boasted freely of the credit I was in with certain high grade India Official nobs, who could refuse me nothing.
Which was hitherto the positive fact, since I had never requested any favour at their hands.
But MrsAllbutt-Innettstated that she had heard that the reception-soirées at said India Office were extremely enjoyable and classy, and inquired whether I possessed sufficient influence to obtain for her tickets of admission to one of these select entertainments.
Naturally I had to reply that I could indubitably do the trick, and would at once proceed to the India Office and interview one of the senior clerks who regarded me as his brother.
So, after procuring aWhitaker Almanack, and hunting up the name of one of the most senior, I cabbed to Whitehall. Inside the entrance I found an attendant sitting at a table absorbed in reading, who rose and inquired mybusiness, and upon my statement that I desired to see MrBreakwater, Esq., on urgent business, courteously directed me up a marble staircase, at the top of which was a second attendant, also engaged in brown study—for the attendants appear to be laudably addicted to the cultivation of their minds.
He informed me that I should find MrBreakwater'sroom down a certain corridor, and proceeding thither, I stopped a clerk who was hurrying along with his hands full of documents, and represented that I had come for an immediate interview with MrBreakwateron highly important matters.
He demanded incredulously whether MrBreakwaterexpected me.
This elevated my monkey, and I retorted, haughtily, that I was the bosom friend of said Mr B., who would be overjoyed to receive me, and, following him into a room, I peremptorily demanded that he should inform his master without fail that BabooJabberjeewas there.
Whereupon, with the nonchalance of a Jack in an office, he rang a bell and desired an attendant to usher me to the waiting-room.
There, in a large gloomy apartment, surrounded by portraits of English and Native big pots, I did sit patiently sucking the golden nob of my umbrella for a quarter of an hour, until the attendant returned, saying, that MrBreakwatercould see me now, and presently showedme into the aforesaid private room, where, behind a large table covered with wicker baskets containing dockets and memoranda,et hoc genus omne, sat the very gentleman whom I had recently taken for his own underling!
Formerly I should have proffered abject excuses, but I am now sufficiently up in British observances to know that the only necessary is a frank and breezy apology.
So, disguising my bashful confusion, I said, "I am awfully sorry that I took you, my dear old chap, for a common ordinary fellow; but remember the proverb, that 'appearances are deceitful,' and do not reveal a thin skin about a rather natural mistake."
MrBreakwatercourteously entreated me not to mention the affair, but to state my business briefly. Accordingly I related how I was a native Bengalee student, at present moving Heaven and Earth to pass Bar Exam, and my intimate connection with the distinguished Bayswater family of theAllbutt-Innetts, who were consumed with longing for free tickets to an officialsoirée. I then described the transcendent charms of MissWee-Wee, and my own ardent desire to obtain her grateful recognition by procuring the open sesame for self and friends. Furthermore, I pointed out that, as an official in the India Office, he wasin loco parentisto myself, and bound to indulge all my reasonable requests,and I assured him that if he exhibited generosity on this occasion, the entireAllbutt-Innettfamily, self included, would ever pray on the crooked hinges of knees for his temporal and spiritual welfare.
He heard me benignantly, but said he regretted that it was not in his power to oblige me.
"You are not to suppose," I said, "that I am a nativeTom-dickorHarry. I am a B.A. of Calcutta University, and candidate for call to Bar.In additum, I am the literary celebrity, being especially retained to jot and tittle for the periodical ofPunch."
MrBreakwaterassured me earnestly that he fully appreciated my many distinguished claims, but that he was under an impossibility of granting my petition for an invite to the annual summersoirée, owing to the fact that aforesaid festivity was already thefait accompli.
"How is that?" I exclaimed. "Have I not read in the daily press of a granddurbarto be given shortly in honour of Hon'bleHung Chang?"
"But that is at the Foreign Office," he objected; "we have no connection with such a concern."
Pitch it strong, my respectable Sir!"PITCH IT STRONG, MY RESPECTABLE SIR!"
"PITCH IT STRONG, MY RESPECTABLE SIR!"
"The Foreign Office would be better than nullity," I said. "I will tell you what to do. Write me a letter to show to the head of the Foreign Office. You can state that you haveknown me intimately for a long time, and that I am deserving of patronage. Hint, for instance, that it is impolitic to show favouritism to one Oriental (such as a Chinese) rather than another, and that you will regard any kindness done to me as the personal favour to yourself. Pitch it strong, my respectable Sir!"
He, however, protested that any recommendation from him would be abrutum fulmen.
"You are too modest, honoured Sir!" I told him, seeing that flattery was requisite; "but I am not the ignoramus of how highly your character and virtues are esteemed, and I can assure you that you are not so contemptible a nonentity as you imagine. Listen to me; I am now to go to the Foreign Office, and shall there assume the liberty of mentioning your distinguished name as a referee."
With benevolent blandness he accorded me full permission to go where I liked, and say anything I chose, recommending me warmly to depart immediately.
Seeing him so well-disposed, I ventured, on taking my leave, to pat his shoulder in friendly facetiousness, and to say, "It is all right, old boy. Remember, I have completebonâ fidesin your ability to work the oracle for me successfully." Which rendered himsotto vocewith gratification.
But alack! at the Foreign Office, after stating my business and sitting like Patience on aMonument for two immortal hours, I was officially informed that the Principal Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs was not in, and that all the Private and Under Secretaries were equally invisible.
This, I must respectfully submit, is not exactly the correct style to conduct a first-class Empire!
Mr Jabberjee distinguishes himself in the Bar Examination, but is less successful in other respects. He writes another extremely ingenious epistle, from which he anticipates the happiest results.
I amhappy to announce that I have passed thepons asinorumof Bar Exam with facility of a needle penetrating the camel's eye.Tant mieux!Huzza! Tol-de-rol-loll!!!
Huzza! Tol-de-rol-loll!"HUZZA! TOL-DE-ROL-LOLL!"
"HUZZA! TOL-DE-ROL-LOLL!"
My dilatoriness in publishing this joyful intelligence is due to fact that I have only recently received official information of my triumph, which my family are now engaged in celebrating at Calcutta with pæans of transport, illuminations, fireworks, an English brass band, and delicacies supplied (on contract system) from Great Eastern Hotel.
And yet so great was my humility that, when I entered Lincoln's Inn Hall one Monday shortly before 10a.m., and received pens, some foolscaps, and a printed exam paper on the Law of Real and Personal Property and Conveyancing, I was at first as melancholy as a gib cat, and like to eat my head with despair!
So much so that I began my answers bypathetically imploring my indulgent father examiner to show me his bowels of compassion, on ground that I was an unfortunate Bengalee chap, afflicted by narrow circumstances and a raging tooth, and that my entire earthly felicity depended upon my being favoured with qualifying marks.
However, on perusal of the paper, I found that, owing to diligent cram and native aptitude for nice sharp quillets of the law, I could floor it upon mycaput, being at home with every description of mortgage, and having such things as reversions and contingent remainders at the extremities of my finger-ends.
In the afternoon I was again examined in Law and Equity, answering nearly every question with great copiousness and best style of composition, quoting freely from Hon'bleSnellandUnderhillto back my opinion. Unhappily, I lost some of my precious time because, finding that I was required by the paper to "discuss" a certain statement, I left my seat in search of some pundit with whom I might carry on such a logomachy. And even now I fail to see how one individual can discuss a question in pen and ink, any more than a single hand is capable of making a clap. Which I gave as my reason for not attempting the impossible.
The ordeal endured for four days. In theRoman Law department, I was on the spot withStillicidiumand similar servitudes, and in Criminal Law I did vastly distinguish myself by polishing off an intricate legal problem about Misters A., B. and C., and certain bicycles, though, as I stated in apostscriptum, not being the practical cyclist, I could not be at all responsible for the accuracy of my solution, and hinted that it was somewhatinfra dig.for such solemn dry-as-dusts as the Council of Legal Education to take any notice at all of these fashionable but flimsy mechanisms.
When called up forvivâ vocepurposes, I dumb-foundered my examiner by the readiness and volubility of my responses, to such an extent that, after asking one question only, he intimated his complete satisfaction, and I divined by his smiles that he was secretly determined to work the oracle in my favour.
And so I arrived at the pretty Pass by dint of flourishing my trumpet. But, heigho! some fly or other is the indispensable adjunct of every pot of ointment, and while I was still jumping for joy at having passed the steep barrier of such a Rubicon, there came a letter from MissJessiminawhich constrained me to cachinnate upon the wrong side of nose!
It appeared that, pursuant of my request, she had been to call upon Hon'ble SirChetwynd,who had duly informed her that I was not the genuine Rajah or any kind of real Prince, nor yet a Crœsus with unlimited cash.
Here, if Hon'bleCummerbundhad stopped, or represented me as a worthless riddance of bad rubbish, all would have been well; but most unhappily he did exceed his instructions, and added that I was of respectable, well-to-do parentage, and very industrious young chap with first-class abilities, and likely to obtain lucrative practice at native Bar.
Jessiminawrote that she hoped she was not so mercenary as to be attracted by mere rank, and that it was enough for her that I was in the position to maintain her as a lady, so she would continue to hold me to my promise of marriage, and if I still declined to perform, she would be reluctantly compelled to place the matter in hands of lawyer.
On seeing that my second attempt to spoof was similarly the utter failure, I became like pig in poke with perplexity, until I was suddenly inspired by the ebullient flash of a happy idea, and taking up mypenna, inscribed the following epistle:
Magnanimous and Ever Adorable Jessimina!
Magnanimous and Ever Adorable Jessimina!
I am immensely tickled with flattered complacency at your indomitable desire to becomethe bride of such a man of straw as this undeserving self, and will no longer offer any factious opposition to your wishes.
But in the intoxicating ardour of my billing and cooing I may have omitted to mention that, when I have led you to the Hymeneal altar, you will not be alone in your glory. As a Koolin Brahmin, I am, by laws of my country, entitled to about thirty or forty spouses, though, owing to natural timidity and economical reasons, I have not hitherto availed myself of said privilege.
However, when that I was a little tiny boy, I was compelled by family pressure to contract matrimony with an equally juvenile female of eight, and, though circumstances have prevented the second ceremony being celebrated on arriving at the more mature age of discretion, such infant marriage is notwithstanding the binding affair.
What of it? Your overwhelming affection will render you totally indifferent to the unpleasant side of your position as asateenor rival wife, though it is the antipode of the bed of roses, especially under internecine feuds and perpetual snipsnaps with sundry aunts and sisters-in-law of mine of rather nagging idiosyncracies. But ignorance of language will probably blind your sensitive ears to the sneering and ill-natured tone of their remarks.
I can only say that I am quite ready (if youinsist upon it) to fulfil my contract to best ability, and undertake the heavy burden which Providence has, very injudiciously, saddled upon my feeble back. MrChuckerbutty Ram, of 15 Jubilee Terrace, Clapham, was present at my first wedding, and will doubtless certify to same on application.
Ever yours faithfully and devotedly,
H. B. J.
In writing the above, I was well aware that there is a strong prejudice in the mind of European feminines in favour of monogamy, and my letter (as will be seen by the intelligent reader) was rather cleverly composed so as to shift the burden of breach of contract from my shoulders to hers.
So that I rubbed my hands with gleeful jubilation on receiving her reply that she was astounded with wonderment at the sublimity of my cheek in supposing that she would play the subordinate fiddle to any native wife, and that she had communicated withChuckerbutty Ram, Esq., and if my statementreinfant marriage (which at present she suspected to be a mere spoof) proved correct, she would certainly decline my insulting offer.
Now as it is the undeniable fact that I was wedded when a mere juvenile, I shall save my brush from this near shave—provided that MrChuckerbutty Ramhas received my tip intime and does not, like Hon'bleCummerbund, go beyond his instructions.
But this is not reasonably probable, BabooChuckerbutty Rambeing a tolerably discreet, subtle chap.
Mr Jabberjee halloos before he is quite out of the Wood.
Being(to my best of belief) satisfactorily off with the old love, I naturally became as playful as a kitten or gay as a grig. For the most superficial observer, and with the half of a naked optic, could easily discern the immeasurable superiority of MissWee-WeetoJessiminain all the refinements and delicacies of a real English lady, and although, up to present date, the timidity of girlishness has restrained MissAllbutt-Innettfrom reciprocating my increasing spooniness, her parents and brother are of an overwhelming cordiality, and repeatedly mention their ardent hope that I may become their guest up in the hills some time this autumn.
So that Hope is already recommencing to hop jauntily about the secret chamber of my heart.
For, seeing the magnanimous contempt for the snobbishness of chasing a tuft that actuates their bosoms, I am no longer apprehensive that their affection for this present writer will be at all impaired by the revelation that he is merely a member of nature's nobility. Rather the contrary.
As PoetBurnsremarks with great truthfulness, "Rank is but a penny stamp and a Man is a Man and all that." Nevertheless, for the present, I am resolved to remain mum as a mouse.
Since I am now in their pockets for a perpetuity, I was privileged on a recent evening to escort theAllbutt-Innettladies to the Empire of India Exhibition, upon which I shall now pronounce the opinion of an expert, though space forbids me to describe its multitudinous marvels, save with the brevity of a soul of wit.
In the Cinghalese Palace we beheld a highly piousYogifrom Ceylon, who had trained himself to perform his devotions with one of his legs embracing his neck, or walking upon the caps of his knees with his toes inserted into his waistband. But I am not convinced that such a style of prayer-making is at all superior in reverence to more ordinary attitudes, especially when exhibited publicly for anhonorarium.
I feel proud to narrate that, at MissWee-Wee'surgent entreaties, I subdued my native funkiness so far as to make the revolution of the Gigantic Wheel, in spite of grave apprehensions that it would prove but a house of cards, or suddenly become totally immobile—though to pass interminable hours at a lofty attitude with such a lively companion might, on secondary thoughts, have possessed pleasing saccharine compensations. Nevertheless, I was relieved when we descended without havinghitched anywhere, and I did most firmly decline to fly in the face of Providence for five shillings in the basket of a captive balloon.
The Indian street is constructed with cleverness, but gives a very, very inadequate idea of the principal Calcutta thoroughfares; moreover, to cultivated Indian intellects, the fuss made by English ladies over native artisans and mechanics of rather so-so abilities and appearance seems a little ludicrous!
After dining, we witnessed the Historical Spectacle of India in the Empress Theatre, and MissWee-Weemade the criticism that the fall of Somnath was accomplished with a too great facility, since its so-called defenders did lie down with perfect tameness and counterfeit death immediately the army of SultanMahmudgalloped their horses through the gateway.
But this appeared to me rather a typical and prudent exercise of their discretion.
It seems—though (in spite of extensive historical researches) I was in previous ignorance of the fact—that SultanMahmud, the Great MogulAkbar, andSivaji, the Mahratta Chief, were each taken in tow and personally conducted by a trio of Divine Guides, respectively named Love, Mercy and Wisdom, who came forward whenever nothing of consequence was transpiring, and sang with the melodiousness of Paradisiacal fowls.
As for the representation of the Hindu Paradise,I shall confess to some disappointment, seeing that it was exclusively reserved to military masculines—the more highly educated civilian class of Baboos being left out of the cold altogether! Nor am I in love with a future state in which there is so much dancing up and down lofty flights of stairs with terpsichorean energy, and manœuvring in companies and circles with members of the softer sex. As a philosophical conception of disembodied existence, it is undeniably deficient in repose, though perhaps good enough for ordinary fighting chaps!
I spent a rapturous and ripping evening, however, greatly owing to the condescension of MissWee-Wee, who exhibited such entertainment at my comments that I left under the confident persuasion that I was infallibly to be the favoured swain.
On returning to Hereford Road, I found a last letter fromJessimina, beseeching me, for the sake of "Old Langsyne," to meet her on the following evening at Westbourne Park Station, and mentioning that certain events had occurred to change her views, and she was now only desirous for an amicable arrangement.
Accordingly, perceiving that I had no longer any reason to dread such an encounter, and not wishing her to peak and pine through my unkindness, I wrote at once accepting therendezvous.
When I duly turned up, lo and behold! Ifound she was escorted, not only by her eagle-eyed mother (Jessiminaherself inherits, inHamlet'simmortal phraseology, "an eye like Ma's, to threaten or command"), but also by a juvenile individual with a black neck-tie and Hebrew profile, whom she formerly introduced to me as MrSolomons.
Though a little hurt by this proof of the rapidity of feminine fickleness, I began to congratulate her effusively on having obtained such an excellent substitute for my worthless self, and to wish the happy couple all earthly felicities, when she explained that he was not afiancé, but merely a sort of friend, and MrsMankletowseverely added that they had come to know whether I still declined to fulfil my legal contract.
Naturally I made the answer that I had recently offered to fulfil same to best ability, but that, my offer having been declined with contumeliousness, the affair was now on its end.
HereJessiminasaid that she had of course refused to marry a man who declared that he was already the owner of a dusky spouse, but that, on inquiries from MrChuckerbutty Ram, she had made the discovery that my said infant wife had popped off with some juvenile complaint or other three or four years ago.
At this I was rendered completely flabaghast—for, although the allegation was undeniably correct, I had confidently hoped that my friendRamwas unaware of the fact, or would at least have the ordinary mother-wit to refrain from blurting it out! "Et tu, Brute!" But I must make the dismal confession that my friends are mostly a very fat-witted sort of fellows.
Que faire?—except to explain that my melancholy bereavement must have entirely slipped off my memory, and that in any case it had no logical connection with the matter in hand.
Then MrsMankletowinquired, would I, or would I not, marry her illused child? and stated that all she wished for was a plain answer.
I replied that it was a very natural and moderate desire, and I was prepared to gratify it at once by the plain answer of—Not on any account.
Whereupon MrSolomonsstepped forward and politely handed me a folded paper, and, observing that he thought there was no need to protract the interview, he lifted his hat and went off with the ladies, leaving myself upon a bench endeavouring to get the sense of the official document into my baffled and bewildered nob.
A royal command from the Queen-Empress."A ROYAL COMMAND FROM THE QUEEN-EMPRESS."
"A ROYAL COMMAND FROM THE QUEEN-EMPRESS."
Eventually, I gathered that it was a Royal command from the Queen-Empress, backed by the Lord High Chancellor of Great Britain, that I was to enter my appearance in an action at the suit ofJemima Mankletowfor a claim of damages for having breached my promise to marry!
No matter! Pugh! Fiddle-de-dee! Never mind! Who cares?
Having successfully passed Exam, and been called to the Bar, I am now anamicus curiæ, and the friend in Court.
I shall enter my appearance in the forensic costume of wig and gown.
What will be the price of the plaintiff's pleadingsthen, Madams?
Mr Jabberjee places himself in the hands of a solicitor—with certain reservations.
I concludedmy foregoing instalment, narrating my service of a writ for breaching a promise of marriage, with a spirited outburst ofinsoucianceand devilmaycarefulness.
But such courage of a Dutch evaporated deplorably on closer perusal of the said writ, which contained the peremptory mandate that I was to enter my appearance within the incredibly short notice of eight days, or the judgment would be given in my absence!
Now it was totally out of the question that I was to prepare a long complicated defence, and have the requisite witnesses, and also perfect myself in the customs and etiquettes of Common Law Procedure, all in such a ridiculously brief period; and yet, if I remainedperduwith a hidden head, I could not hope for even the minimum of justice, since, heigh-ho!les absents ont toujours tort. So that I shed blistering and scalding tears like a spanked child, to find myself confronting such a devil of a deep sea, and my day was dismal and my night a nonentity, until, by a great piece of potluck, on going upthe next morning to the library of my Inn, I espied my young friendHowardin the compound, busily employed in a lawn tennis game.
Having partially poured the cat from my bag already into his sympathetic and receptive bosom, I decided to confide to him my hard case in its entirety, and so made him a secret sign that I desired some private confabulations at his earliest conveniency, which he observing, after the termination of the match, came towards the remote bench whereon I was forlornly moping, and sat down kindly by my side.
This youngAllbutt-Innett, I am to mention here, had only just missed succeeding in the passing of Bar Exam owing to the inveterate malignancy of his stars and lack of a more industrial temperament; but from the coolness of his cheek, and complete man-of-the-worldliness, is a most judicious and tip-top adviser to friends in tight places.
Experto crede, for, when he had heard the latest particulars of my shockingimbroglio, he promptly gave me the excellent advice that I was to consult a solicitor; strongly recommending a MrSidney Smartle, who was a former schoolmate of his own, and a good thundering chap, and who (he thought) was not so overburdened as yet by legal business that he could not find time for working the oracle on my behalf.
"And look here,Jab," he added (he has sometimesthe extreme condescension to address me as an abbreviation), "I'll trot you up to him at once—and I say, A 1 idea! tell him you mean to be your own counsel, and do all the speechifying yourself. Native prince, in brand-new wig and gown, defending himself single-handed from wiles of artful adventuress—why, you'll knock the jury as if with old boots!"
"Alack," said I, sorrowfully; "though I am quite competent to become the stump orator at shortest notice, I do not see how I can enter my first appearance until I have carefully instructed MistersRamandJalpanybhoyin the evidence they are to give and leave untold, &c., and a week is too scanty and fugitive a period for such preparations!"
"Nonsense and stuff!" he replies, "you will have a lot more than that, since the week only applies to entering an appearance—which is a mere farcical formality that oldSidcan perform in your place on his head." At which I was greatly relieved.
But on arrival at MrSmartle'soffice in Chancery Lane, we were disappointed to be informed, by a small, juvenile clerk, that he was absent at Wimbledon on urgent professional affairs, and his return was the unknown quantity. However, after waiting till close upon the hour of tiffin, he unexpectedly turned up in a suit of knickerbockers, carrying a long, narrow bag full of metal-headed rods, and although rather adolescentthan senile in physical appearance I was vastly impressed by the offhanded cocksurety of his manner.
My friendHowardintroduced me, and exhibited my doleful predicament in the shell of a nut, whereupon MrSmartlejauntily pronounced it to be the common garden breach of promise, but that we had better all repair to the First Avenue Hotel and lunch, and talk the affair over afterwards.
Which we did in the smoking-room after lunch, with coffee, liqueurs, and cigars, &c., for which I had to pay, as a Tommy Dod, and the odd man out of pocket.
MrSmartle, after listening attentively to my narrative, said that I certainly seemed to him to have let myself into the deuced cavity of a hole by so publicly proclaiming my engagement, but that my status as an oriental foreigner, and the fact I had asserted—viz., that my promise was extorted from me by compulsion and sheer physical funkiness—might pull me through, unless the plaintiff were of superlative loveliness (which, fortunately, is by no means the case).
He added, that we had better engageWitherington, Q.C., as he was notoriously the crossest examiner at the Common Bar.
But to this I opposed thesine quâ nonthat I am to have the sole control of my case in court, and reap the undividedkudos, assuring him that I should be able to cross-examine all witnessesuntil they could not stand on one leg. From some private motives of his own, he sought to overcome my determination, hinting that, as my calling and election to the Bar were not yet an ancient history, I might not possess sufficient experience; and moreover that, by appearing in barristerial garbage, I should infallibly forfeit the indulgence shown by a judge to ordinary litigants; to which I responded by pointing out that I was a typical Indian in the matter of legal subtlety and ready-made wit, and that, if not capable of conducting myowncase, how, then, could I be fit to undertake a logomachy for any third parties? finally, that it is proverbially unnecessary to keep a dog when you are equally proficient in the practice of barking yourself.
Whereupon, silenced by mya fortioriandreductio ad absurdum, he gave way, saying that it was my own affair, and, anyhow, there would be plenty of time to consider such a matter, since the plaintiff might not choose to do anything further till after the Long Vacation, and we could easily postpone the hearing of the action until the Midsummer of next year.
I, however, earnestly protested that I did not wish so procrastinated a delay, as I desired to make my forensicdébutat the earliest possible moment, and urged him to leave no stone unturned to get the job finished by November at least, suggesting that if we could ascertainthe name and address of the judge who was to try the case, I might call upon him, and, in a private and confidential interview, ascertain the extent of his disposition in my favour, and the length of his foot.
To which MrSmartlereplied that he could not recommend any such tactics, as I should certainly ascertain the dimensions of the judicial foot in a literal and painful manner.
Now I must conclude with a livelier piece of intelligence: I am now in receipt of the wished-for invitation to visit theAllbutt-Innettfamily at the elegant mansion (or—to speak Scottishly—"manse") they have hired for a few weeks in the savage and romantic mountains of Ayrshire, N.B.
Mrs A.-I. wrote that there is no shooting attached to the manse, but several aristocratic friends of theirs own moors in the vicinity, and will inevitably invite them and their visitors to sport with them, so that, as she believed I was the keen sportsman, I had better bring my gun.
Alack! I am not the happy possessor of any lethal weapon, but, having since this invitation practised diligently upon tin moving beasts, bottles, and eggs rendered incredibly lively by a jet of steam, I am at last anau faitwith a crackshot, and no end of a Nimrod.
I do not think I shall purchase a gun, for there is a young English acquaintance of mine who is the Devil's Own Volunteer, and who willno doubt have the good nature to lend me his rifle for a week or two.
As to costume, my tailor assures me that it is totally unnecessary to assume the national raiment of a Scotch, unless I am prepared to stalk after a stag. But why should I be deterred by any cowardly fear from pursuing so constitutionally timid a quadruped? I have therefore commissioned him to manufacture me a petticoat kilt, with a chequered tartan, and other accessories, for when we are going to Rome, it is the mark of politeness to dress in the Romish style.
Would be greatly improved by the simple addition of some knee-caps."WOULD BE GREATLY IMPROVED BY THE SIMPLE ADDITION OF SOME KNEE-CAPS."
"WOULD BE GREATLY IMPROVED BY THE SIMPLE ADDITION OF SOME KNEE-CAPS."
The Caledonian costume is indubitably becoming; but would, I venture humbly to think, be greatly improved by the simple addition of some knee-caps.
Mr Jabberjee delivers his Statement of Defence, and makes his preparations for the North. He allows his patriotic sentiments to get the better of him in a momentary outburst of disloyalty—to which no serious importance need be attached.
Myfair plaintiff has not suffered the grass of inaction to grow upon her feet, having already issued her Statement of Claim, by which she alleges that I proposed marriage on a certain date, and did subsequently, on divers occasions, treat her, in the presence of sundry witnesses, as an affianced, after which I mizzled into obscurity, and on various pretexts did decline, and do still decline, to fulfil my nuptial contract, by which conduct the plaintiff, being grievously afflicted in mind, body, and estate, claims damages to the doleful tune of £1000.
(N.B.—I have thought it advisable here and there to translate the legal phraseology into more comprehensible verbiage.)
Now such a claim is to milk a ram, orprendre la lune avec les dents, seeing that I am not a proprietor of even one thousand rupees. Nevertheless(as I have informed MrSmartle), my progenitor, the Mooktear, will bleed to any reasonable extent of costs out of pocket.
I have held frequent and lengthy interviews with the saidSmartle, Esq., who is of incredible despatch and celerity—though I sometimes regret that I did not procure a solicitor of a more senile and sympathetic disposition.
Assuredly had I done so, such an one would not, after perusing my Statement of Defence—a most magnificently voluminous document of over fifty folios, crammed and stuffed with satirical hits and sideblows, and pathetic appeals for the Bench's indulgence, and replete with familiar quotations from best classical and continental authors—such an one, I say, would not have split his sides with disrespectful chucklings, thrown my composition into a wasted paper receptacle, and proceeded to knock off a meagre substitute of his own, containing a very few dry bald paragraphs, in the inadequately brief space of under the hour.
Such, however, was MrSmartle'scourse; and the sole consolation is that, owing to his unprofessional precipitation, the action was set down for trial previously to the commencement of the Long Vacation, and my case may come on some time next Term, and I be put out of my misery at the close of the year.
My aforesaid legal adviser, finding that I adhered with the tenacity of bird-slime to mydetermination to conduct my case in person, did hint in no ambiguous language, that it might perhaps be even better for me to do the guy next November to my native land, and snip my fingers then from a safe distance at the plaintiff.
But it is not my practice to exhibit a white feather (except when prostrated by severe bodily panics), and I am consumed by an ardent impatience to air my fluencies and legal learnedness before the publicity of a London Law Court.
Now, begone dull care! for I am to dismiss all litigious thoughts till October or November next, and become aDolce far niente, chasing the deer with my heart in the Highlands.
My volunteering acquaintance, by the way, has declined to lend me his rifle, on the transparent pretence that it was contrary to regulations, and that it was not thebon tonto pursue grouse-birds and the like with so war-like a weapon.
So, on youngHoward'sadvice, I made the purchase from a pawnbroker of a lethal instrument, provided with a duplicate bore, so that, should a bird happen by any chance to escape my first barrel, the second will infallibly make him bite the dust.
I have also purchased some cartridges of a very pleasing colour, a hunting knife, and a shot belt and pouch, and if I can only procure some inexpensive kind of sporting hound from the Dogs'Home, I shall be forewarned and forearmedcap à piefor the perils and pleasures of the chase.
MissWee-Weedid earnestly advise me, inasmuch as I was about to go amongst the savage hill tribes of canny Scotians, to previously make myself acquainted with their idioms, &c., for which purpose she lent me some romances written entirely in Caledonian dialects, also the compositions of Hon. PoetBurns.
But hoity-toity! after much diligent perusal, I arrived at the conclusion that such works were sealed books to the most intelligent foreigner, unless he is furnished with a good Scotch grammar and dictionary.
Andmirabile dictu!though I have made diligent inquiries of various London booksellers, I have found it utterly impossible to obtain such works in England—a haughty and arrogantly dispositioned country, more inclined to teach than to learn!
How many of your boasted British Cabinet, supposed to rule our countless millions of so-called Indian subjects, would be capable to sit down and read and translate—correctly—a single sentence from the Mahábhárat in the original?
Not more, I shrewdly suspect, than half a dozen at most!
So it is not to be expected that any more interest would be displayed in the language and literature of a country like Scotland, which is notoriously wild and barren and less denselypopulated and productive than the most ordinary districts of Bengal.
Oh, you pusillanimous Highland chiefs and other misters! how long will you tamely submit to such offhanded treatment? Will the day never come when, with whirling sporrans and flashing pibrochs you will rise against the alien oppressor, and demand Home Rule, together with the total abolition of present disdainful Britishinsouciance?
When that day dawns—if ever—please note this piece of private intelligence from an authorised source:Young Bengal will be with you in your struggle for Autonomy.If not in body, assuredly in spirit. Possibly inboth.
I say no more, in case I should be accused of trying to stir up seditious feelings; but, as a patriotic Baboo gentleman, my blood will boil occasionally at instances of stuck-up English self-sufficiency, and the worm in the bud, if nipped too severely, may blossom into a rather formidable serpent!