ACT VSCENE I.—The Fair, as before.A Booth.LANTHORNLEATHERHEAD,dressed as a puppet-show man, FILCHER,andSHARKWELLwith a flag.Leath.Well, luck and Saint Bartholomew! out with the sign of our invention, in the name of wit, and do you beat the drum the while: all the foul i’ the Fair, I mean all the dirt in Smithfield,—that’s one of master Littlewit’s carwhitchets now—will be thrown at our banner to-day, if the matter does not please the people. O the motions that I Lanthorn Leatherhead have given light to, in my time, since my master Pod died! Jerusalem was a stately thing, and so was Nineveh, and the city of Norwich, and Sodom and Gomorrah, with the rising of the prentices, and pulling down the bawdy-houses there upon Shrove-Tuesday; but the Gun-powder plot, there was a get-penny! I have presented that to an eighteen or twenty pence audience, nine times in an afternoon. Your home-born projects prove ever the best, they are so easy and familiar; they put too much learning in their things now o’ days: and that I fear will be the spoil of this. Littlewit! I say, Micklewit! if not too mickle! look to your gathering there, goodman Filcher.Filch.I warrant you, sir.Leath.An there come any gentlefolks, take two-pence apiece, Sharkwell.Shark.I warrant you, sir, three-pence an we can.[Exeunt.SCENE II.—Another part of the Fair.EnterOVERDO,disguised like a Porter.Over.This latter disguise, I have borrow’d of a porter, shall carry me out to all my great and good ends; which however interrupted, were never destroyed in me: neither is the hour of my severity yet come to reveal myself, wherein, cloud-like, I will break out in rain and hail, lightning and thunder, upon the head of enormity. Two main works I have to prosecute: first, one is to invent some satisfaction for the poor kind wretch, who is out of his wits for my sake, and yonder I see him coming, I will walk aside, and project for it.EnterWINWIFEandGRACE.Winw.I wonder where Tom Quarlous is, that he returns not: it may be he is struck in here to seek us.Grace.See, here’s our madman again.EnterQUARLOUS,inTROUBLEALL’Sclothes, followed byDame PURECRAFT.Quar.I have made myself as like him, as his gown and cap will give me leave.Pure.Sir, I love you, and would be glad to be mad with you in truth.Winw.How! my widow in love with a madman?Pure.Verily, I can be as mad in spirit as you.Quar.By whose warrant? leave your canting. Gentlewoman, have I found you? [To mistress Grace.] save ye, quit ye, and multiply ye! Where’s your book? ’twas a sufficient name I mark’d, let me see’t, be not afraid to shew’t me.Grace.What would you with it, sir?Quar.Mark it again and again at your service.Grace.Here it is, sir, this was it you mark’d.Quar.Palemon!fare you well, fare you well.Winw.How, Palemon!Grace.Yes, faith, he has discovered it to you now, and therefore ’twere vain to disguise it longer; I am yours, sir, by the benefit of your fortune.Winw.And you have him, mistress, believe it, that shall never give you cause to repent her benefit: but make you rather to think that in this choice she had both her eyes.Grace.I desire to put it to no danger of protestation.[Exeunt Grace and Winwife.Quar.Palemon the word, and Winwife the man!Pure.Good sir, vouchsafe a yoke-fellow in your madness, shun not one of the sanctified sisters, that would draw with you in truth.Quar.Away, you are a herd of hypocritical proud ignorants, rather wild than mad; fitter for woods, and the society of beasts, than houses, and the congregation of men. You are the second part of the society of canters, outlaws to order and discipline, and the only privileged church-robbers of Christendom. Let me alone:Palemonthe word, and Winwife the man!Pure.I must uncover myself unto him, or I shall never enjoy him, for all the cunning men’s promises. [Aside.] Good sir, hear me, I am worth six thousand pound, my love to you is become my rack; I’ll tell you all and the truth, since you hate the hypocrisy of the party-coloured brotherhood. These seven years I have been a wilful holy widow, only to draw feasts and gifts from my entangled suitors: I am also by office an assisting sister of the deacons, and a devourer, instead of a distributor of the alms. I am a special maker of marriages for our decayed brethren with our rich widows, for a third part of their wealth, when they are married, for the relief of the poor elect: as also our poor handsome young virgins, with our wealthy bachelors or widowers; to make them steal from theirhusbands, when I have confirmed them in the faith, and got all put into their custodies. And if I have not my bargain, they may sooner turn a scolding drab into a silent minister, than make me leave pronouncing reprobation and damnation unto them. Our elder, Zeal-of-the-land, would have had me, but I know him to be the capital knave of the land, making himself rich, by being made a feoffee in trust to deceased brethren, and cozening their heirs, by swearing the absolute gift of their inheritance. And thus having eased my conscience, and utter’d my heart with the tongue of my love; enjoy all my deceits together, I beseech you. I should not have revealed this to you, but that in time I think you are mad, and I hope you’ll think me so too, sir?Quar.Stand aside, I’ll answer you presently. [He walks by.] Why should I not marry this six thousand pound, now I think on’t, and a good trade too that she has beside, ha? The t’other wench Winwife is sure of; there’s no expectation for me there. Here I may make myself some saver yet, if she continue mad, there’s the question. It is money that I want, why should not I marry the money when ’tis offer’d me? I have a license and all, it is but razing out one name, and putting in another. There’s no playing with a man’s fortune! I am resolved: I were truly mad an I would not!—Well, come your ways, follow me, an you will be mad, I’ll shew you a warrant![Takes her along with him.Pure.Most zealously, it is that I zealously desire.Over.[stopping him.] Sir, let me speak with you.Quar.By whose warrant?Over.The warrant that you tender, and respect so; Justice Overdo’s. I am the man, friend Troubleall, though thus disguised (as the careful magistrate ought) for the good of the republic in the Fair, and the weeding out of enormity. Do you want a house, or meat, or drink, or clothes? speak whatsoever it is, it shall be supplied you; what want you?Quar.Nothing but your warrant.Over.My warrant! for what?Quar.To be gone, sir.Over.Nay, I pray thee stay; I am serious, and have not many words, nor much time to exchange with thee. Think what may do thee good.Quar.Your hand and seal will do me a great deal of good; nothing else in the whole Fair that I know.Over.If it were to any end, thou shouldst have it willingly.Quar.Why, it will satisfy me, that’s end enough to look on; an you will not give it me, let me go.Over.Alas! thou shalt have it presently; I’ll but step into the scrivener’s here by, and bring it. Do not go away.[Exit.Quar.Why, this madman’s shape will prove a very fortunate one, I think. Can a ragged robe produce these effects? if this be the wise justice, and he bring me his hand, I shall go near to make some use on’t.Re-enterOVERDO.He is come already!Over.Look thee! here is my hand and seal, Adam Overdo; if there be any thing to be written above in that paper that thou want’st now, or at any time hereafter, think on’t, it is my deed. I deliver it so; can your friend write?Quar.Her hand for a witness, and all is well.Over.With all my heart.[He urges her to sign it.Quar.Why should not I have the conscience to make this a bond of a thousand pound now, or what I would else? [Aside.Over.Look you, there it is, and I deliver it as my deed again.Quar.Let us now proceed in madness.[Exeunt Quarlous and Dame Purecraft.Over.Well, my conscience is much eased; I have done my part, though it doth him no good; yet Adam hath offered satisfaction. The sting is removed from hence! Poor man, he is much altered with his affliction, it has brought him low. Now for my other work, reducing the young man, I have followed so long in love, from the brink of his bane to the centre of safety. Here, or in some such-like vain place, I shall be sure to find him. I will wait the good time.[Exit.SCENE III.—Another part of the Fair.The Puppet-show Booth, as before.EnterSHARKWELLandFILCHER,with bills, andCOKESin his doublet and hose, followed by the Boys of the Fair.Cokes.How now! what’s here to do, friend? art thou the master of the monuments?Shark.’Tis a motion, an’t please your worship.EnterOVERDObehind.Over.My fantastical brother-in-law, master Bartholomew Cokes!Cokes.A motion! what’s that! [Reads.]The ancient modern history of Hero and Leander, otherwise called the Touchstone of true Love, with as true a trial of friendship between Damon and Pythias, two faithful friends o’ the Bank-side.—Pretty, i’faith, what’s the meaning on’t? is’t an interlude, or what is’t?Filch.Yes, sir, please you come near, we’ll take your money within.Cokes.Back with these children; they do so follow me up and down!EnterLITTLEWIT.Lit.By your leave, friend.Filch.You must pay, sir, an you go in.Lit.Who, I! I perceive thou know’st not me; call the master of the motion.Shark.What, do you not know the author, fellow Filcher? You must take no money of him; he must come in gratis: master Littlewit is a voluntary; he is the author.Lit.Peace, speak not too loud, I would not have any notice taken that I am the author, till we see how it passes.Cokes.Master Littlewit, how dost thou?Lit.Master Cokes! you are exceeding well met: what, in your doublet and hose, without a cloke or a hat?Cokes.I would I might never stir, as I am an honest man, and by that fire; I have lost all in the Fair, and all my acquaintance too; didst thou meet any body that I know, master Littlewit? my man Numps, or my sister Overdo, or mistress Grace? Pray thee, master Littlewit, lend me some money to see the interlude here; I’ll pay thee again, as I am a gentleman. If thou’lt but carry me home, I have money enough there.Lit.O, sir, you shall command it; what, will a crown serve you?Cokes.I think it will; what do we pay for coming in, fellows?Filch.Two-pence, sir.Cokes.Two-pence! there’s twelve-pence, friend: nay, I am a gallant, as simple as I look now; if you see me with my man about me, and my artillery again.Lit.Your man was in the stocks e’en now, sir.Cokes.Who, Numps?Lit.Yes, faith.Cokes.For what, i’faith? I am glad o’ that; remember to tell me on’t anon; I have enough now. What manner of matter is this, master Littlewit? what kind of actors have you? are they good actors?Lit.Pretty youths, sir, all children both old and young; here’s the master of ’em—EnterLEATHERHEAD.Leath.[aside to Littlewit.] Call me not Leatherhead, but Lantern.Lit.Master Lantern, that gives light to the business.Cokes.In good time, sir! I would fain see them, I would be glad to drink with the young company; which is the tiring-house?Leath.Troth, sir, our tiring-house is somewhat little; we are but beginners yet, pray pardon us; you cannot go upright in’t.Cokes.No! not now my hat is off? what would you have done with me, if you had had me feather and all, as I was once to-day? Have you none of your pretty impudent boys now, to bring stools, fill tobacco, fetch ale, and beg money, as they have at other houses? Let me see some of your actors.Lit.Shew him them, shew him them. Master Lantern, this is a gentleman that is a favourer of the quality.[Exit Leatherhead.Over.Ay, the favouring of this licentious quality is the consumption of many a young gentleman; a pernicious enormity. [Aside.Re-enterLEATHERHEAD,with a basket.Cokes.What! do they live in baskets?Leath.They do lie in a basket, sir, they are o’ the small players.Cokes.These be players minors indeed. Do you call these players?Leath.They are actors, sir, and as good as any, none dispraised, for dumb shows: indeed, I am the mouth of them all.Cokes.Thy mouth will hold them all. I think one tailor would go near to beat all this company with a hand bound behind him.Lit.Ay, and eat them all too, an they were in cake-bread.Cokes.I thank you for that, master Littlewit; a good jest! Which is your Burbage now?Leath.What mean you by that, sir?Cokes.Your best actor, your Field?Lit.Good, i’faith! you are even with me, sir.Leath.This is he, that acts young Leander, sir: he is extremely beloved of the womenkind, they do so affect his action, the green gamesters, that come here! and this is lovely Hero: this with the beard, Damon; and this pretty Pythias: this is the ghost of king Dionysius in the habit of a scrivener; as you shall see anon at large.Cokes.Well, they are a civil company, I like ’em for that; they offer not to fleer, nor jeer, nor break jests, as the great players do: and then, there goes not so much charge to the feasting of them, or making them drunk, as to the other, by reason of their littleness. Do they use to play perfect? are they never fluster’d?Leath.No, sir, I thank my industry and policy for it; they are as well govern’d a company, though I say it——And here is young Leander, is as proper an actor of his inches, and shakes his head like an hostler.Cokes.But do you play it according to the printed book? I have read that.Leath.By no means, sir.Cokes.No! how then?Leath.A better way, sir; that is too learned and poetical for our audience: what do they know whatHellespontis,guilty of true love’s blood?or whatAbydosis? orthe other, Sestos hight?Cokes.Thou art in the right; I do not know myself.Leath.No, I have entreated master Littlewit to take a little pains to reduce it to a more familiar strain for our people.Cokes.How, I pray thee, good master Littlewit?Lit.It pleases him to make a matter of it, sir; but there is no such matter, I assure you: I have only made it a little easy, and modern for the times, sir, that’s all. As for the Hellespont, I imagine our Thames here; and then Leander I make a dyer’s son about Puddle-wharf: and Hero a wench o’ the Bank-side, who going over one morning to Old Fish-street, Leander spies her land at Trig-stairs, and falls in love with her. Now do I introduce Cupid, having metamorphosed himself into a drawer, and he strikes Hero in love with a pint of sherry; and other pretty passages thereare of the friendship, that will delight you, sir, and please you of judgment.Cokes.I’ll be sworn they shall: I am in love with the actors already, and I’ll be allied to them presently.—They respect gentlemen, these fellows:—Hero shall be my fairing: but which of my fairings?—let me see—i’faith, my fiddle; and Leander my fiddlestick: then Damon my drum, and Pythias my pipe, and the ghost of Dionysius my hobby-horse. All fitted.EnterWINWIFEandGRACE.Winw.Look, yonder’s your Cokes gotten in among his play-fellows; I thought we could not miss him at such a spectacle.Grace.Let him alone, he is so busy he will never spy us.Leath.Nay, good sir! [To Cokes, who is handling the puppets.Cokes.I warrant thee I will not hurt her, fellow; what, dost thou think me uncivil? I pray thee be not jealous; I am toward a wife.Lit.Well, good master Lantern, make ready to begin that I may fetch my wife; and look you be perfect, you undo me else, in my reputation.Leath.I warrant you, sir, do not you breed too great an expectation of it among your friends; that’s the hurter of these things.Lit.No, no, no.[Exit.Cokes.I’ll stay here and see: pray thee let me see.Winw.How diligent and troublesome he is!Grace.The place becomes him, methinks.Over.My ward, mistress Grace, in the company of a stranger! I doubt I shall be compell’d to discover myself before my time. [Aside.EnterKNOCKEM, EDGWORTH,andMrs. LITTLEWIT,followed byWHITsupportingMrs. OVERDO,masked.Filch.Two-pence apiece, gentlemen, an excellent motion.Knock.Shall we have fine fire-works, and good vapours?Shark.Yes, captain, and water-works too.Whit.I pree dee take care o’ dy shmall lady there, Edgworth; I will look to dish tall lady myself.Leath.Welcome, gentlemen, welcome, gentlemen.Whit.Predee mashter o’ the monshtersh, help a very sick lady here to a chair to shit in.Leath.Presently, sir.[A chair is brought in for Mrs. Overdo.Whit.Good fait now, Ursula’s ale and acqua-vitæ ish to blame for’t; shit down, shweet-heart, shit down and sleep a little.Edg.[to Mrs. Littlewit.] Madam, you are very welcome hither.Knock.Yes, and you shall see very good vapours.Over.Here is my care come! I like to see him in so good company: and yet I wonder that persons of such fashion should resort hither. [Aside.Edg.There is a very private house, madam.Leath.Will it please your ladyship sit, madam?Mrs. Lit.Yes, goodman. They do so all-to-be-madam me, I think they think me a very lady.Edg.What else, madam?Mrs. Lit.Must I put off my mask to him?Edg.O, by no means.Mrs. Lit.How should my husband know me then?Knock.Husband! an idle vapour; he must not know you, nor you him: there’s the true vapour.Over.Yea! I will observe more of this. [Aside.] Is this a lady, friend?Whit.Ay, and dat is anoder lady, shweet-heart; if dou hasht a mind to ’em, give me twelve-pence from tee, and dou shalt have eder oder on ’em.Over.Ay, this will prove my chiefest enormity: I will follow this. [Aside.Edg.Is not this a finer life, lady, than to be clogg’d with a husband?Mrs. Lit.Yes, a great deal. When will they begin, trow, in the name o’ the motion?Edg.By and by, madam; they stay but for company.Knock.Do you hear, puppet-master, these are tedious vapours, when begin you?Leath.We stay but for master Littlewit, the author, who is gone for his wife: and we begin presently.Mrs. Lit.That’s I, that’s I.Edg.That was you, lady; but now you are no such poor thing.Knock.Hang the author’s wife, a running vapour! here be ladies will stay for ne’er a Delia of them all.Whit.But hear me now, here ish one o’ de ladish ashleep, stay till shee but vake, man.EnterWASPE.Waspe.How now, friends! what’s here to do?Filch.Two-pence apiece, sir, the best motion in the Fair.Waspe.I believe you lie; if you do, I’ll have my money again, and beat you.Mrs. Lit.Numps is come!Waspe.Did you see a master of mine come in here, a tall young ’squire of Harrow o’ the Hill, master Bartholomew Cokes?Filch.I think there be such a one within.Waspe.Look he be, you were best: but it is very likely: I wonder I found him not at all the rest. I have been at the Eagle, and the Black Wolf, and the Bull with the five legs and two pizzles:—he was a calf at Uxbridge fair two years agone—and at the dogs that dance the morrice, and the hare of the Tabor; and mist him at all these! Sure this must needs be some fine sight that holds him so, if it have him.Cokes.Come, come, are you ready now?Leath.Presently, sir.Waspe.Hoyday, he’s at work in his doublet and hose! do you hear, sir, are you employ’d, that you are bare-headed and so busy?Cokes.Hold your peace, Numps; you have been in the stocks, I hear.Waspe.Does he know that! nay, then the date of my authority is out; I must think no longer to reign, my government is at an end. He that will correct another must want fault in himself.Winw.Sententious Numps! I never heard so much from him before.Leath.Sure master Littlewit will not come; please you take your place, sir; we’ll begin.Cokes.I pray thee do, mine ears long to be at it, and my eyes too. O Numps, in the stocks, Numps! where’s your sword, Numps!Waspe.I pray you intend your game, sir, let me alone.Cokes.Well then, we are quit for all. Come, sit down, Numps; I’ll interpret to thee: did you see mistress Grace? It’s no matter, neither, now I think on’t, tell me anon.Winw.A great deal of love and care he expresses!Grace.Alas, would you have him to express more than he has? that were tyranny.Cokes.Peace, ho! now, now.Leath.Gentles, that no longer your expectations may wander,Behold our chief actor, amorous Leander.With a great deal of cloth, lapp’d about him like a scarf,For he yet serves his father, a dyer at Puddle-wharf;Which place we’ll make bold with, to call it our Abydus,As the Bank-side is our Sestos; and let it not be deny’d us.Now as he is beating to make the dye take the fuller,Who chances to come by, but fair Hero in a sculler;And seeing Leander’s naked leg and goodly calf,Cast at him from the boat a sheep’s eye and an half.Now she is landed, and the sculler come back,By and by you shall see what Leander doth lack.Pup. Lean.Cole, Cole, old Cole!Leath.That is the sculler’s name without controul.Pup. Lean.Cole, Cole, I say, Cole!Leath.We do hear you.Pup. Lean.Old Cole.Leath.Old Cole! is the dyer turn’d collier? how do you sell?Pup. Lean.A pox o’ your manners, kiss my hole here, and smell.Leath.Kiss your hole and smell! there’s manners indeed.Pup. Lean.Why, Cole, I say, Cole!Leath.Is’t the sculler you need?Pup. Lean.Ay, and be hanged.Leath.Be hang’d! look you yonder.Old Cole, you must go hang with master Leander.Pup. Cole.Where is he?Pup. Lean.Here, Cole: what fairest of fairs,Was that fare that thou landedst but now at Trig-stairs?Cokes.What was that, fellow? pray thee tell me, I scarce understand them.Leath.Leander does ask, sir, what fairest of fairs,Was the fare he landed but now at Trig-stairs?Pup. Cole.It is lovely Hero.Pup. Lean.Nero?Pup. Cole.No, Hero.Leath.It is HeroOf the Bank-side, he saith, to tell you truth without erring,Is come over into Fish-street to eat some fresh herring.Leander says no more, but as fast as he can,Gets on all his best clothes, and will after to the Swan.Cokes.Most admirable good, is’t not?Leath.Stay, sculler.Pup. Cole.What say you?Leath.You must stay for Leander,And carry him to the wench.Pup. Cole.You rogue, I am no pander.Cokes.He says he is no pander. ’Tis a fine language: I understand it now.Leath.Are you no pander, goodman Cole? here’s no man says you are;You’ll grow a hot cole, it seems; pray you stay for your fare.Pup. Cole.Will he come away?Leath.What do you say?Pup. Cole.I’d have him come away.Leath.Would you have Leander come away? why, pray, sir, stay.You are angry, goodman Cole; I believe the fair maidCame over with you a’ trust: tell us, sculler, are you paid?Pup. Cole.Yes, goodman Hogrubber of Pickthatch.Leath.How, Hogrubber of Pickthatch?Pup. Cole.Ay, Hogrubber of Pickthatch. Take you that.[Strikes him over the pate.Leath.O, my head!Pup. Cole.Harm watch, harm catch!Cokes.Harm watch, harm catch, he says; very good, i’faith: the sculler had like to have knock’d you, sirrah.Leath.Yes, but that his fare call’d him away.Pup. Lean.Row apace, row apace, row, row, row, row, row.Leath.You are knavishly loaden, sculler, take heed where you go.Pup. Cole.Knave in your face, goodman rogue.Pup. Lean.Row, row, row, row, row.Cokes.He said, knave in your face, friend.Leath.Ay, sir, I heard him; but there’s no talking to these watermen, they will have the last word.Cokes.Od’s my life! I am not allied to the sculler yet; he shall beDauphin my boy.But my fiddle-stick does fiddle in and out too much: I pray thee speak to him on’t; tell him I would have him tarry in my sight more.Leath.I pray you be content; you’ll have enough on him, sir.Now, gentles, I take it, here is none of you so stupid,But that you have heard of a little god of love call’d Cupid;Who out of kindness to Leander, hearing he but saw her,This present day and hour doth turn himself to a drawer.And because he would have their first meeting to be merry,He strikes Hero in love to him with a pint of sherry;Which he tells her from amorous Leander is sent her,Who after him into the room of Hero doth venture.[Puppet Leander goes into Mistress Hero’s room.Pup. Jonas.A pint of sack, score a pint of sack in the Coney.Cokes.Sack! you said but e’en now it should be sherry.Pup. Jonas.Why, so it is; sherry, sherry, sherry.Cokes.Sherry, sherry, sherry!By my troth he makes me merry. I must have a name for Cupid too. Let me see, thou might’st help me, now, an thou would’st, Numps, at a dead lift: but thou art dreaming of the stocks still.—Do not think on’t, I have forgot it; ’tis but a nine days’ wonder, man; let it not trouble thee.Waspe.I would the stocks were about your neck, sir; condition I hung by the heels in them till the wonder were off from you, with all my heart.Cokes.Well said, resolute Numps! but hark you, friend, where’s the friendship all this while between my drum Damon, and my pipe Pythias?Leath.You shall see by and by, sir.Cokes.You think my hobby-horse is forgotten too; no, I’ll see them all enact before I go; I shall not know which to love best else.Knock.This gallant has interrupting vapours, troublesome vapours; Whit, puff with him.Whit.No, I pree dee, captain, let him alone; he is a child, i’faith, la.Leath.Now, gentles, to the friends, who in number are two,And lodged in that ale-house in which fair Hero does do.Damon, for some kindness done him the last week,Is come, fair Hero, in Fish-street, this morning to seek:Pythias does smell the knavery of the meeting,And now you shall see their true-friendly greeting.Pup. Pythias.You whore-masterly slave, you.Cokes.Whore-masterly slave you! very friendly and familiar, that.Pup. Damon.Whore-master in thy face,Thou hast lain with her thyself, I’ll prove it in this place.Cokes.Damon says, Pythias has lain with her himself, he’ll prove’t in this place.Leath.They are whore-masters both, sir, that’s a plain case.Pup. Pythias.You lie like a rogue.Leath.Do I lie like a rogue?Pup. Pythias.A pimp and a scab.Leath.A pimp and a scab.I say, between you, you have both but one drab.Pup. Damon.You lie again.Leath.Do I lie again?Pup. Damon.Like a rogue again.Leath.Like a rogue again?Pup. Pythias.And you are a pimp again.Cokes.And you are a pimp again, he says.Pup. Damon.And a scab again.Cokes.And a scab again, he says.Leath.And I say again, you are both whore-masters, again.And you have both but one drab again.Pup. DamonandPythias.Dost thou, dost thou, dost thou?[They fall upon him.Leath.What, both at once?Pup. Pythias.Down with him, Damon.Pup. Damon.Pink his guts, Pythias.Leath.What, so malicious?Will ye murder me, masters both, in my own house?Cokes.Ho! well acted, my drum, well acted, my pipe, well acted still!Waspe.Well acted, with all my heart.Leath.Hold, hold your hands.Cokes.Ay, both your hands, for my sake! for you have both done well.Pup. Damon.Gramercy, pure Pythias.Pup. Pythias.Gramercy, dear Damon.Cokes.Gramercy to you both, my pipe and my drum.Pup. PythiasandDamon.Come, now we’ll together to breakfast to Hero.Leath.’Tis well you can now go to breakfast to Hero.You have given me my breakfast, with a hone and honero.Cokes.How is’t, friend, have they hurt thee?Leath.O no:Between you and I, sir, we do but make show.—Thus, gentles, you perceive, without any denial,’Twixt Damon and Pythias here, friendship’s true trial.Though hourly they quarrel thus, and roar each with other.They fight you no more than does brother with brother;But friendly together, at the next man they meet,They let fly their anger, as here you might see’t.Cokes.Well, we have seen it, and thou hast felt it, whatsoe’er thou sayest. What’s next, what’s next?Leath.This while young Leander with fair Hero is drinking,And Hero grown drunk to any man’s thinking!Yet was it not three pints of sherry could flaw her,Till Cupid distinguished like Jonas the drawer,From under his apron, where his lechery lurks,Put love in her sack. Now mark how it works.Pup. Hero.O Leander, Leander, my dear, my dear Leander,I’ll for ever be thy goose, so thou’lt be my gander.Cokes.Excellently well said, Fiddle, she’ll ever be his goose, so he’ll be her gander; was’t not so?Leath.Yes, sir, but mark his answer now.Pup. Lean.And sweetest of geese, before I go to bed,I’ll swim over the Thames, my goose, thee to tread.Cokes.Brave! he will swim over the Thames, and tread his goose to-night, he says.Leath.Ay, peace, sir, they’ll be angry if they hear you eavesdropping, now they are setting their match.Pup. Lean.But lest the Thames should be dark, my goose, my dear friend,Let thy window be provided of a candle’s end.Pup. Hero.Fear not, my gander, I protest I should handleMy matters very ill, if I had not a whole candle.Pup. Lean.Well then, look to’t, and kiss me to boot.Leath.Now here come the friends again, Pythias and Damon,And under their clokes they have of bacon a gammon.Pup. Pythias.Drawer, fill some wine here.Leath.How, some wine there!There’s company already, sir, pray forbear.Pup. Damon.’Tis Hero.Leath.Yes, but she will not to be taken,After sack and fresh herring, with your Dunmow-bacon.Pup. Pythias.You lie, it’s Westfabian.Leath.Westphalianyou should say.Pup. Damon.If you hold not your peace, you are a coxcomb, I would say.[Leander and Hero kiss.What’s here, what’s here? kiss, kiss, upon kiss!Leath.Ay, wherefore should they not? what harm is in this?’Tis mistress Hero.Pup. Damon.Mistress Hero’s a whore.Leath.Is she a whore? keep you quiet, or, sir, knave, out of door.Pup. Damon.Knave out of door?Pup. Hero.Yes, knave out of door.Pup. Damon.Whore out of door.[They fall together by the ears.Pup. Hero.I say, knave out of door.Pup. Damon.I say, whore out of door.Pup. Pythias.Yea, so say I too.Pup. Hero.Kiss the whore o’ the arse.Leath.Now you have something to do:You must kiss her o’ the arse, she says.Pup. DamonandPythias.So we will, so we will.[They kick her.Pup. Hero.O my haunches, O my haunches, hold, hold.Leath.Stand’st thou still!Leander, where, art thou? stand’st thou still like a sot,And not offer’st to break both their heads with a pot?See who’s at thine elbow there! puppet Jonas and Cupid.Pup. Jonas.Upon ’em, Leander, be not so stupid.Pup. Lean.You goat-bearded slave!Pup. Damon.You whore-master knave![They fight.Pup. Lean.Thou art a whore-master.Pup. Jonas.Whore-masters all.Leath.See, Cupid with a word has tane up the brawl.Knock.These be fine vapours!Cokes.By this good day, they fight bravely; do they not, Numps?Waspe.Yes, they lack’d but you to be their second all this while.Leath.This tragical encounter falling out thus to busy us,It raises up the ghost of their friend Dionysius;Not like a monarch, but the master of a school,In a scrivener’s furr’d gown, which shews he is no fool:For therein he hath wit enough to keep himself warm.O Damon, he cries, and Pythias, what harmHath poor Dionysius done you in his grave,That after his death you should fall out thus and rave,And call amorous Leander whore-master knave?Pup. Damon.I cannot, I will not, I promise you, endure it.RABBIBUSYrushes in.Busy.Down with Dagon! down with Dagon! ’tis I, I will no longer endure your profanations.Leath.What mean you, sir?Busy.I will remove Dagon there, I say, that idol, that heathenish idol, that remains, as I may say, a beam, a very beam,—not a beam of the sun, nor a beam of the moon, nor a beam of a balance, neither a house-beam, nor a weaver’s beam, but a beam in the eye, in the eye of the brethren; a very great beam, an exceeding great beam; such as are your stage-players, rimers, and morrice-dancers, who have walked hand in hand, in contempt of the brethren, and the cause; and been born out by instruments of no mean countenance.Leath.Sir, I present nothing but what is licensed by authority.Busy.Thou art all license, even licentiousness itself, Shimei!Leath.I have the master of the revels’ hand for’t, sir.Busy.The master of the rebels’ hand thou hast. Satan’s! hold thy peace, thy scurrility, shut up thy mouth, thy profession is damnable, and in pleading for it thou dost plead for Baal. I have long opened my mouth wide, and gaped; I have gaped as the oyster for the tide, after thy destruction: but cannot compass it by suit or dispute; so that I look for a bickering, ere long, and then a battle.Knock.Good Banbury vapours!Cokes.Friend, you’d have an ill match on’t, if you bicker with him here; though he be no man of the fist, he has friends that will to cuffs for him. Numps, will not you take our side?Edg.Sir, it shall not need; in my mind he offers him a fairer course, to end it by disputation: hast thou nothing to say for thyself, in defence of thy quality?Leath.Faith, sir, I am not well-studied in these controversies, between the hypocrites and us. But here’s one of my motion,puppet Dionysius, shall undertake him, and I’ll venture the cause on’t.Cokes.Who, my hobby-horse! will he dispute with him?Leath.Yes, sir, and make a hobby-ass of him, I hope.Cokes.That’s excellent! indeed he looks like the best scholar of them all. Come, sir, you must be as good as your word now.Busy.I will not fear to make my spirit and gifts known: assist me zeal, fill me, fill me, that is, make me full!Winw.What a desperate, profane wretch is this! is there any ignorance or impudence like his, to call his zeal to fill him against a puppet?Quar.I know no fitter match than a puppet to commit with an hypocrite!Busy.First, I say unto thee, idol, thou hast no calling.Pup. Dion.You lie, I am call’d Dionysius.Leath.The motion says, you lie, he is call’d Dionysius in the matter, and to that calling he answers.Busy.I mean no vocation, idol, no present lawful calling.Pup. Dion.Is yours a lawful calling?Leath.The motion asketh, if yours be a lawful calling.Busy.Yes, mine is of the spirit.Pup. Dion.Then idol is a lawful calling.Leath.He says, then idol is a lawful calling; for you call’d him idol, and your calling is of the spirit.Cokes.Well disputed, hobby-horse.Busy.Take not part with the wicked, young gallant: he neigheth and hinnieth; all is but hinnying sophistry. I call him idol again; yet, I say, his calling, his profession is profane, it is profane, idol.Pup. Dion.It is not profane.Leath.It is not profane, he says.Busy.It is profane.Pup. Dion.It is not profane.Busy.It is profane.Pup. Dion.It is not profane.Leath.Well said, confute him withNot, still. You cannot bear him down with your base noise, sir.Busy.Nor he me, with his treble creeking, though he creek like the chariot wheels of Satan; I am zealous for the cause—Leath.As a dog for a bone.Busy.And I say, it is profane, as being the page of Pride, and the waiting-woman of Vanity.Pup. Dion.Yea! what say you to your tire-women, then?Leath.Good.Pup. Dion.Or feather-makers in the Friers, that are of your faction of faith? are not they with their perukes, and their puffs, their fans, and their huffs, as much pages of Pride, and waiters upon Vanity? What say you, what say you, what say you?Busy.I will not answer for them.Pup. Dion.Because you cannot, because you cannot. Is a bugle-makera lawful calling? or the confect-makers? such you have there; or your French fashioner? you would have all the sin within yourselves, would you not, would you not?Busy.No, Dagon.Pup. Dion.What then, Dagonet? is a puppet worse than these?Busy.Yes, and my main argument against you is, that you are an abomination; for the male, among you, putteth on the apparel of the female, and the female of the male.Pup. Dion.You lie, you lie, you lie abominably.Cokes.Good, by my troth, he has given him the lie thrice.Pup. Dion.It is your old stale argument against the players, but it will not hold against the puppets; for we have neither male nor female amongst us. And that thou may’st see, if thou wilt, like a malicious purblind zeal as thou art.[Takes up his garment.Edg.By my faith, there he has answer’d you, friend, a plain demonstration.Pup. Dion.Nay, I’ll prove, against e’er a Rabbin of them all, that my standing is as lawful as his; that I speak by inspiration, as well as he; that I have as little to do with learning as he; and do scorn her helps as much as he.Busy.I am confuted, the cause hath failed me.Pup. Dion.Then be converted, be converted.Leath.Be converted, I pray you, and let the play go on!Busy.Let it go on; for I am changed, and will become a beholder with you.Cokes.That’s brave, i’faith, thou hast carried it away, hobby-horse; on with the play.Over.[discovering himself.] Stay, now do I forbid; I am Adam Overdo! sit still, I charge you.Cokes.What, my brother-in-law!Grace.My wise guardian!Edg.Justice Overdo!Over.It is time to take enormity by the forehead, and brand it; for I have discovered enough.EnterQUARLOUSinTROUBLEALL’Sclothes, as before, andDame PURECRAFT.Quar.Nay, come, mistress bride; you must do as I do, now. You must be mad with me, in truth. I have here justice Overdo for it.Over.Peace, good Troubleall; come hither, and you shall trouble none. I will take the charge of you, and your friend too; you also, young man [to Edgworth] shall be my care; stand there.Edg.Now, mercy upon me.Knock.Would we were away, Whit, these are dangerous vapours; best fall off with our birds, for fear o’ the cage.[They attempt to steal away.Over.Stay, is not my name your terror?Whit.Yesh fait, man, and it ish for tat we would be gone, man.EnterLITTLEWIT.Lit.O, gentlemen! did you not see a wife of mine? I have lost my little wife, as I shall be trusted; my little pretty Win. I left her at the great woman’s house in trust yonder, the pig-woman’s, with captain Jordan, and captain Whit, very good men, and I cannot hear of her. Poor fool, I fear she’s stepp’d aside. Mother, did you not see Win?Over.If this grave matron be your mother, sir, stand by her,et digito compesce labellum;I may perhaps spring a wife for you anon. Brother Bartholomew, I am sadly sorry to see you so lightly given, and such a disciple of enormity, with your grave governor Humphrey: but stand you both there, in the middle place; I will reprehend you in your course. Mistress Grace, let me rescue you out of the hands of the stranger.Winw.Pardon me, sir, I am a kinsman of hers.Over.Are you so! of what name, sir?Winw.Winwife, sir.Over.Master Winwife! I hope you have won no wife of her, sir; if you have, I will examine the possibility of it, at fit leisure. Now, to my enormities: look upon me, O London! and see me, O Smithfield! the example of justice, and Mirrour of Magistrates; the true top of formality, and scourge of enormity. Hearken unto my labours, and but observe my discoveries; and compare Hercules with me, if thou dar’st, of old; or Columbus, Magellan, or our countryman Drake, of later times. Stand forth, you weeds of enormity, and spread. First, Rabbi Busy, thou superlunatical hypocrite;—[to Leatherhead.] Next thou other extremity, thou profane professor of puppetry, little better than poetry:—[to Whit.] Then thou strong debaucher and seducer of youth; witness this easy and honest young man, [pointing to Edgworth.]—[to Knockem.] Now, thou esquire of dames, madams, and twelve-penny ladies.—Now, my green madam herself of the price; let me unmask your ladyship.[Discovers Mrs. Littlewit.Lit.O my wife, my wife, my wife!Over.Is she your wife?Redde te Harpocratem!EnterTROUBLEALL,with a dripping-pan, followed byURSULAandNIGHTINGALE.Tro.By your leave, stand by, my masters, be uncover’d.Urs.O stay him, stay him, help to cry, Nightingale; my pan, my pan!Over.What’s the matter?Night.He has stolen gammar Ursula’s pan.Tro.Yes, and I fear no man but justice Overdo.Over.Ursula! where is she? O the sow of enormity, this! welcome, stand you there; you, songster, there.Urs.An’t please your worship, I am in no fault: a gentlemanstripped him in my booth, and borrowed his gown, and his hat; and he ran away with my goods here for it.Over.[to Quarlous.] Then this is the true madman, and you are the enormity!Quar.You are in the right: I am mad but from the gown outward.Over.Stand you there.Quar.Where you please, sir.Mrs. Over.[waking] O, lend me a bason, I am sick, I am sick! where’s master Overdo? Bridget, call hither my Adam.Over.How![He is shamed and silenced.Whit.Dy very own wife, i’fait, worshipful Adam.Mrs. Over.Will not my Adam come at me? shall I see him no more then?Quar.Sir, why do you not go on with the enormity? are you oppressed with it? I’ll help you: hark you, sir, in your ear—Your innocent young man, you have ta’en such care of all this day, is a cut-purse, that hath got all your brother Cokes’ things, and helped you to your beating and the stocks; if you have a mind to hang him now, and shew him your magistrate’s wit, you may: but I should think it were better recovering the goods, and to save your estimation in him. I thank you, sir, for the gift of your ward, mistress Grace; look you, here is your hand and seal, by the way. Master Winwife, give you joy, you arePalemon, you are possessed of the gentlewoman, but she must pay me value, here’s warrant for it. And, honest madman, there’s thy gown and cap again; I thank thee for my wife. Nay, I can be mad, sweet-heart, [to Mrs. Purecraft] when I please still; never fear me; and careful Numps, where’s he? I thank him for my license.Waspe.How!Quar.’Tis true, Numps.Waspe.I’ll be hang’d then.Quar.Look in your box, Numps.—Nay, sir, [to Overdo.] stand not you fix’d here, like a stake in Finsbury, to be shot at, or the whipping-post in the Fair, but get your wife out o’ the air, it will make her worse else; and remember you are but Adam, flesh and blood! you have your frailty, forget your other name of Overdo, and invite us all to supper. There you and I will compare our discoveries; and drown the memory of all enormity in your biggest bowl at home.Cokes.How now, Numps, have you lost it? I warrant ’twas when thou wert in the stocks: Why dost not speak!Waspe.I will never speak while I live again, for aught I know.Over.Nay, Humphrey, if I be patient, you must be so too; this pleasant conceited gentleman hath wrought upon my judgment, and prevail’d: I pray you take care of your sick friend, mistress Alice, and my good friends all—Quar.And noenormities.Over.I invite you home with me to my house to supper: I willhave none fear to go along, for my intents aread correctionem, non ad destructionem; ad ædificandum, non ad diruendum: so lead on.Cokes.Yes, and bring the actors along, we’ll have the rest of the play at home.[Exeunt.EPILOGUE.Your Majesty hath seen the play, and youCan best allow it from your ear and view.You know the scope of writers, and what storeOf leave is given them, if they take not more,And turn it into license: you can tellIf we have us’d that leave you gave us well;Or whether we to rage or license break,Or be profane, or make profane men speak:This is your power to judge, great sir, and notThe envy of a few. Which if we have got,We value less what their dislike can bring,If it so happy be, t’ have pleased the King.
SCENE I.—The Fair, as before.
A Booth.
LANTHORNLEATHERHEAD,dressed as a puppet-show man, FILCHER,andSHARKWELLwith a flag.
Leath.Well, luck and Saint Bartholomew! out with the sign of our invention, in the name of wit, and do you beat the drum the while: all the foul i’ the Fair, I mean all the dirt in Smithfield,—that’s one of master Littlewit’s carwhitchets now—will be thrown at our banner to-day, if the matter does not please the people. O the motions that I Lanthorn Leatherhead have given light to, in my time, since my master Pod died! Jerusalem was a stately thing, and so was Nineveh, and the city of Norwich, and Sodom and Gomorrah, with the rising of the prentices, and pulling down the bawdy-houses there upon Shrove-Tuesday; but the Gun-powder plot, there was a get-penny! I have presented that to an eighteen or twenty pence audience, nine times in an afternoon. Your home-born projects prove ever the best, they are so easy and familiar; they put too much learning in their things now o’ days: and that I fear will be the spoil of this. Littlewit! I say, Micklewit! if not too mickle! look to your gathering there, goodman Filcher.
Filch.I warrant you, sir.
Leath.An there come any gentlefolks, take two-pence apiece, Sharkwell.
Shark.I warrant you, sir, three-pence an we can.
[Exeunt.
SCENE II.—Another part of the Fair.
EnterOVERDO,disguised like a Porter.
Over.This latter disguise, I have borrow’d of a porter, shall carry me out to all my great and good ends; which however interrupted, were never destroyed in me: neither is the hour of my severity yet come to reveal myself, wherein, cloud-like, I will break out in rain and hail, lightning and thunder, upon the head of enormity. Two main works I have to prosecute: first, one is to invent some satisfaction for the poor kind wretch, who is out of his wits for my sake, and yonder I see him coming, I will walk aside, and project for it.
EnterWINWIFEandGRACE.
Winw.I wonder where Tom Quarlous is, that he returns not: it may be he is struck in here to seek us.
Grace.See, here’s our madman again.
EnterQUARLOUS,inTROUBLEALL’Sclothes, followed byDame PURECRAFT.
Quar.I have made myself as like him, as his gown and cap will give me leave.
Pure.Sir, I love you, and would be glad to be mad with you in truth.
Winw.How! my widow in love with a madman?
Pure.Verily, I can be as mad in spirit as you.
Quar.By whose warrant? leave your canting. Gentlewoman, have I found you? [To mistress Grace.] save ye, quit ye, and multiply ye! Where’s your book? ’twas a sufficient name I mark’d, let me see’t, be not afraid to shew’t me.
Grace.What would you with it, sir?
Quar.Mark it again and again at your service.
Grace.Here it is, sir, this was it you mark’d.
Quar.Palemon!fare you well, fare you well.
Winw.How, Palemon!
Grace.Yes, faith, he has discovered it to you now, and therefore ’twere vain to disguise it longer; I am yours, sir, by the benefit of your fortune.
Winw.And you have him, mistress, believe it, that shall never give you cause to repent her benefit: but make you rather to think that in this choice she had both her eyes.
Grace.I desire to put it to no danger of protestation.
[Exeunt Grace and Winwife.
Quar.Palemon the word, and Winwife the man!
Pure.Good sir, vouchsafe a yoke-fellow in your madness, shun not one of the sanctified sisters, that would draw with you in truth.
Quar.Away, you are a herd of hypocritical proud ignorants, rather wild than mad; fitter for woods, and the society of beasts, than houses, and the congregation of men. You are the second part of the society of canters, outlaws to order and discipline, and the only privileged church-robbers of Christendom. Let me alone:Palemonthe word, and Winwife the man!
Pure.I must uncover myself unto him, or I shall never enjoy him, for all the cunning men’s promises. [Aside.] Good sir, hear me, I am worth six thousand pound, my love to you is become my rack; I’ll tell you all and the truth, since you hate the hypocrisy of the party-coloured brotherhood. These seven years I have been a wilful holy widow, only to draw feasts and gifts from my entangled suitors: I am also by office an assisting sister of the deacons, and a devourer, instead of a distributor of the alms. I am a special maker of marriages for our decayed brethren with our rich widows, for a third part of their wealth, when they are married, for the relief of the poor elect: as also our poor handsome young virgins, with our wealthy bachelors or widowers; to make them steal from theirhusbands, when I have confirmed them in the faith, and got all put into their custodies. And if I have not my bargain, they may sooner turn a scolding drab into a silent minister, than make me leave pronouncing reprobation and damnation unto them. Our elder, Zeal-of-the-land, would have had me, but I know him to be the capital knave of the land, making himself rich, by being made a feoffee in trust to deceased brethren, and cozening their heirs, by swearing the absolute gift of their inheritance. And thus having eased my conscience, and utter’d my heart with the tongue of my love; enjoy all my deceits together, I beseech you. I should not have revealed this to you, but that in time I think you are mad, and I hope you’ll think me so too, sir?
Quar.Stand aside, I’ll answer you presently. [He walks by.] Why should I not marry this six thousand pound, now I think on’t, and a good trade too that she has beside, ha? The t’other wench Winwife is sure of; there’s no expectation for me there. Here I may make myself some saver yet, if she continue mad, there’s the question. It is money that I want, why should not I marry the money when ’tis offer’d me? I have a license and all, it is but razing out one name, and putting in another. There’s no playing with a man’s fortune! I am resolved: I were truly mad an I would not!—Well, come your ways, follow me, an you will be mad, I’ll shew you a warrant!
[Takes her along with him.
Pure.Most zealously, it is that I zealously desire.
Over.[stopping him.] Sir, let me speak with you.
Quar.By whose warrant?
Over.The warrant that you tender, and respect so; Justice Overdo’s. I am the man, friend Troubleall, though thus disguised (as the careful magistrate ought) for the good of the republic in the Fair, and the weeding out of enormity. Do you want a house, or meat, or drink, or clothes? speak whatsoever it is, it shall be supplied you; what want you?
Quar.Nothing but your warrant.
Over.My warrant! for what?
Quar.To be gone, sir.
Over.Nay, I pray thee stay; I am serious, and have not many words, nor much time to exchange with thee. Think what may do thee good.
Quar.Your hand and seal will do me a great deal of good; nothing else in the whole Fair that I know.
Over.If it were to any end, thou shouldst have it willingly.
Quar.Why, it will satisfy me, that’s end enough to look on; an you will not give it me, let me go.
Over.Alas! thou shalt have it presently; I’ll but step into the scrivener’s here by, and bring it. Do not go away.
[Exit.
Quar.Why, this madman’s shape will prove a very fortunate one, I think. Can a ragged robe produce these effects? if this be the wise justice, and he bring me his hand, I shall go near to make some use on’t.
Re-enterOVERDO.
He is come already!
Over.Look thee! here is my hand and seal, Adam Overdo; if there be any thing to be written above in that paper that thou want’st now, or at any time hereafter, think on’t, it is my deed. I deliver it so; can your friend write?
Quar.Her hand for a witness, and all is well.
Over.With all my heart.
[He urges her to sign it.
Quar.Why should not I have the conscience to make this a bond of a thousand pound now, or what I would else? [Aside.
Over.Look you, there it is, and I deliver it as my deed again.
Quar.Let us now proceed in madness.
[Exeunt Quarlous and Dame Purecraft.
Over.Well, my conscience is much eased; I have done my part, though it doth him no good; yet Adam hath offered satisfaction. The sting is removed from hence! Poor man, he is much altered with his affliction, it has brought him low. Now for my other work, reducing the young man, I have followed so long in love, from the brink of his bane to the centre of safety. Here, or in some such-like vain place, I shall be sure to find him. I will wait the good time.
[Exit.
SCENE III.—Another part of the Fair.
The Puppet-show Booth, as before.
EnterSHARKWELLandFILCHER,with bills, andCOKESin his doublet and hose, followed by the Boys of the Fair.
Cokes.How now! what’s here to do, friend? art thou the master of the monuments?
Shark.’Tis a motion, an’t please your worship.
EnterOVERDObehind.
Over.My fantastical brother-in-law, master Bartholomew Cokes!
Cokes.A motion! what’s that! [Reads.]The ancient modern history of Hero and Leander, otherwise called the Touchstone of true Love, with as true a trial of friendship between Damon and Pythias, two faithful friends o’ the Bank-side.—Pretty, i’faith, what’s the meaning on’t? is’t an interlude, or what is’t?
Filch.Yes, sir, please you come near, we’ll take your money within.
Cokes.Back with these children; they do so follow me up and down!
EnterLITTLEWIT.
Lit.By your leave, friend.
Filch.You must pay, sir, an you go in.
Lit.Who, I! I perceive thou know’st not me; call the master of the motion.
Shark.What, do you not know the author, fellow Filcher? You must take no money of him; he must come in gratis: master Littlewit is a voluntary; he is the author.
Lit.Peace, speak not too loud, I would not have any notice taken that I am the author, till we see how it passes.
Cokes.Master Littlewit, how dost thou?
Lit.Master Cokes! you are exceeding well met: what, in your doublet and hose, without a cloke or a hat?
Cokes.I would I might never stir, as I am an honest man, and by that fire; I have lost all in the Fair, and all my acquaintance too; didst thou meet any body that I know, master Littlewit? my man Numps, or my sister Overdo, or mistress Grace? Pray thee, master Littlewit, lend me some money to see the interlude here; I’ll pay thee again, as I am a gentleman. If thou’lt but carry me home, I have money enough there.
Lit.O, sir, you shall command it; what, will a crown serve you?
Cokes.I think it will; what do we pay for coming in, fellows?
Filch.Two-pence, sir.
Cokes.Two-pence! there’s twelve-pence, friend: nay, I am a gallant, as simple as I look now; if you see me with my man about me, and my artillery again.
Lit.Your man was in the stocks e’en now, sir.
Cokes.Who, Numps?
Lit.Yes, faith.
Cokes.For what, i’faith? I am glad o’ that; remember to tell me on’t anon; I have enough now. What manner of matter is this, master Littlewit? what kind of actors have you? are they good actors?
Lit.Pretty youths, sir, all children both old and young; here’s the master of ’em—
EnterLEATHERHEAD.
Leath.[aside to Littlewit.] Call me not Leatherhead, but Lantern.
Lit.Master Lantern, that gives light to the business.
Cokes.In good time, sir! I would fain see them, I would be glad to drink with the young company; which is the tiring-house?
Leath.Troth, sir, our tiring-house is somewhat little; we are but beginners yet, pray pardon us; you cannot go upright in’t.
Cokes.No! not now my hat is off? what would you have done with me, if you had had me feather and all, as I was once to-day? Have you none of your pretty impudent boys now, to bring stools, fill tobacco, fetch ale, and beg money, as they have at other houses? Let me see some of your actors.
Lit.Shew him them, shew him them. Master Lantern, this is a gentleman that is a favourer of the quality.
[Exit Leatherhead.
Over.Ay, the favouring of this licentious quality is the consumption of many a young gentleman; a pernicious enormity. [Aside.
Re-enterLEATHERHEAD,with a basket.
Cokes.What! do they live in baskets?
Leath.They do lie in a basket, sir, they are o’ the small players.
Cokes.These be players minors indeed. Do you call these players?
Leath.They are actors, sir, and as good as any, none dispraised, for dumb shows: indeed, I am the mouth of them all.
Cokes.Thy mouth will hold them all. I think one tailor would go near to beat all this company with a hand bound behind him.
Lit.Ay, and eat them all too, an they were in cake-bread.
Cokes.I thank you for that, master Littlewit; a good jest! Which is your Burbage now?
Leath.What mean you by that, sir?
Cokes.Your best actor, your Field?
Lit.Good, i’faith! you are even with me, sir.
Leath.This is he, that acts young Leander, sir: he is extremely beloved of the womenkind, they do so affect his action, the green gamesters, that come here! and this is lovely Hero: this with the beard, Damon; and this pretty Pythias: this is the ghost of king Dionysius in the habit of a scrivener; as you shall see anon at large.
Cokes.Well, they are a civil company, I like ’em for that; they offer not to fleer, nor jeer, nor break jests, as the great players do: and then, there goes not so much charge to the feasting of them, or making them drunk, as to the other, by reason of their littleness. Do they use to play perfect? are they never fluster’d?
Leath.No, sir, I thank my industry and policy for it; they are as well govern’d a company, though I say it——And here is young Leander, is as proper an actor of his inches, and shakes his head like an hostler.
Cokes.But do you play it according to the printed book? I have read that.
Leath.By no means, sir.
Cokes.No! how then?
Leath.A better way, sir; that is too learned and poetical for our audience: what do they know whatHellespontis,guilty of true love’s blood?or whatAbydosis? orthe other, Sestos hight?
Cokes.Thou art in the right; I do not know myself.
Leath.No, I have entreated master Littlewit to take a little pains to reduce it to a more familiar strain for our people.
Cokes.How, I pray thee, good master Littlewit?
Lit.It pleases him to make a matter of it, sir; but there is no such matter, I assure you: I have only made it a little easy, and modern for the times, sir, that’s all. As for the Hellespont, I imagine our Thames here; and then Leander I make a dyer’s son about Puddle-wharf: and Hero a wench o’ the Bank-side, who going over one morning to Old Fish-street, Leander spies her land at Trig-stairs, and falls in love with her. Now do I introduce Cupid, having metamorphosed himself into a drawer, and he strikes Hero in love with a pint of sherry; and other pretty passages thereare of the friendship, that will delight you, sir, and please you of judgment.
Cokes.I’ll be sworn they shall: I am in love with the actors already, and I’ll be allied to them presently.—They respect gentlemen, these fellows:—Hero shall be my fairing: but which of my fairings?—let me see—i’faith, my fiddle; and Leander my fiddlestick: then Damon my drum, and Pythias my pipe, and the ghost of Dionysius my hobby-horse. All fitted.
EnterWINWIFEandGRACE.
Winw.Look, yonder’s your Cokes gotten in among his play-fellows; I thought we could not miss him at such a spectacle.
Grace.Let him alone, he is so busy he will never spy us.
Leath.Nay, good sir! [To Cokes, who is handling the puppets.
Cokes.I warrant thee I will not hurt her, fellow; what, dost thou think me uncivil? I pray thee be not jealous; I am toward a wife.
Lit.Well, good master Lantern, make ready to begin that I may fetch my wife; and look you be perfect, you undo me else, in my reputation.
Leath.I warrant you, sir, do not you breed too great an expectation of it among your friends; that’s the hurter of these things.
Lit.No, no, no.
[Exit.
Cokes.I’ll stay here and see: pray thee let me see.
Winw.How diligent and troublesome he is!
Grace.The place becomes him, methinks.
Over.My ward, mistress Grace, in the company of a stranger! I doubt I shall be compell’d to discover myself before my time. [Aside.
EnterKNOCKEM, EDGWORTH,andMrs. LITTLEWIT,followed byWHITsupportingMrs. OVERDO,masked.
Filch.Two-pence apiece, gentlemen, an excellent motion.
Knock.Shall we have fine fire-works, and good vapours?
Shark.Yes, captain, and water-works too.
Whit.I pree dee take care o’ dy shmall lady there, Edgworth; I will look to dish tall lady myself.
Leath.Welcome, gentlemen, welcome, gentlemen.
Whit.Predee mashter o’ the monshtersh, help a very sick lady here to a chair to shit in.
Leath.Presently, sir.
[A chair is brought in for Mrs. Overdo.
Whit.Good fait now, Ursula’s ale and acqua-vitæ ish to blame for’t; shit down, shweet-heart, shit down and sleep a little.
Edg.[to Mrs. Littlewit.] Madam, you are very welcome hither.
Knock.Yes, and you shall see very good vapours.
Over.Here is my care come! I like to see him in so good company: and yet I wonder that persons of such fashion should resort hither. [Aside.
Edg.There is a very private house, madam.
Leath.Will it please your ladyship sit, madam?
Mrs. Lit.Yes, goodman. They do so all-to-be-madam me, I think they think me a very lady.
Edg.What else, madam?
Mrs. Lit.Must I put off my mask to him?
Edg.O, by no means.
Mrs. Lit.How should my husband know me then?
Knock.Husband! an idle vapour; he must not know you, nor you him: there’s the true vapour.
Over.Yea! I will observe more of this. [Aside.] Is this a lady, friend?
Whit.Ay, and dat is anoder lady, shweet-heart; if dou hasht a mind to ’em, give me twelve-pence from tee, and dou shalt have eder oder on ’em.
Over.Ay, this will prove my chiefest enormity: I will follow this. [Aside.
Edg.Is not this a finer life, lady, than to be clogg’d with a husband?
Mrs. Lit.Yes, a great deal. When will they begin, trow, in the name o’ the motion?
Edg.By and by, madam; they stay but for company.
Knock.Do you hear, puppet-master, these are tedious vapours, when begin you?
Leath.We stay but for master Littlewit, the author, who is gone for his wife: and we begin presently.
Mrs. Lit.That’s I, that’s I.
Edg.That was you, lady; but now you are no such poor thing.
Knock.Hang the author’s wife, a running vapour! here be ladies will stay for ne’er a Delia of them all.
Whit.But hear me now, here ish one o’ de ladish ashleep, stay till shee but vake, man.
EnterWASPE.
Waspe.How now, friends! what’s here to do?
Filch.Two-pence apiece, sir, the best motion in the Fair.
Waspe.I believe you lie; if you do, I’ll have my money again, and beat you.
Mrs. Lit.Numps is come!
Waspe.Did you see a master of mine come in here, a tall young ’squire of Harrow o’ the Hill, master Bartholomew Cokes?
Filch.I think there be such a one within.
Waspe.Look he be, you were best: but it is very likely: I wonder I found him not at all the rest. I have been at the Eagle, and the Black Wolf, and the Bull with the five legs and two pizzles:—he was a calf at Uxbridge fair two years agone—and at the dogs that dance the morrice, and the hare of the Tabor; and mist him at all these! Sure this must needs be some fine sight that holds him so, if it have him.
Cokes.Come, come, are you ready now?
Leath.Presently, sir.
Waspe.Hoyday, he’s at work in his doublet and hose! do you hear, sir, are you employ’d, that you are bare-headed and so busy?
Cokes.Hold your peace, Numps; you have been in the stocks, I hear.
Waspe.Does he know that! nay, then the date of my authority is out; I must think no longer to reign, my government is at an end. He that will correct another must want fault in himself.
Winw.Sententious Numps! I never heard so much from him before.
Leath.Sure master Littlewit will not come; please you take your place, sir; we’ll begin.
Cokes.I pray thee do, mine ears long to be at it, and my eyes too. O Numps, in the stocks, Numps! where’s your sword, Numps!
Waspe.I pray you intend your game, sir, let me alone.
Cokes.Well then, we are quit for all. Come, sit down, Numps; I’ll interpret to thee: did you see mistress Grace? It’s no matter, neither, now I think on’t, tell me anon.
Winw.A great deal of love and care he expresses!
Grace.Alas, would you have him to express more than he has? that were tyranny.
Cokes.Peace, ho! now, now.
Leath.Gentles, that no longer your expectations may wander,Behold our chief actor, amorous Leander.With a great deal of cloth, lapp’d about him like a scarf,For he yet serves his father, a dyer at Puddle-wharf;Which place we’ll make bold with, to call it our Abydus,As the Bank-side is our Sestos; and let it not be deny’d us.Now as he is beating to make the dye take the fuller,Who chances to come by, but fair Hero in a sculler;And seeing Leander’s naked leg and goodly calf,Cast at him from the boat a sheep’s eye and an half.Now she is landed, and the sculler come back,By and by you shall see what Leander doth lack.
Leath.Gentles, that no longer your expectations may wander,
Behold our chief actor, amorous Leander.
With a great deal of cloth, lapp’d about him like a scarf,
For he yet serves his father, a dyer at Puddle-wharf;
Which place we’ll make bold with, to call it our Abydus,
As the Bank-side is our Sestos; and let it not be deny’d us.
Now as he is beating to make the dye take the fuller,
Who chances to come by, but fair Hero in a sculler;
And seeing Leander’s naked leg and goodly calf,
Cast at him from the boat a sheep’s eye and an half.
Now she is landed, and the sculler come back,
By and by you shall see what Leander doth lack.
Pup. Lean.Cole, Cole, old Cole!
Leath.That is the sculler’s name without controul.
Pup. Lean.Cole, Cole, I say, Cole!
Leath.We do hear you.
Pup. Lean.Old Cole.
Leath.Old Cole! is the dyer turn’d collier? how do you sell?
Pup. Lean.A pox o’ your manners, kiss my hole here, and smell.
Leath.Kiss your hole and smell! there’s manners indeed.
Pup. Lean.Why, Cole, I say, Cole!
Leath.Is’t the sculler you need?
Pup. Lean.Ay, and be hanged.
Leath.Be hang’d! look you yonder.Old Cole, you must go hang with master Leander.
Leath.Be hang’d! look you yonder.
Old Cole, you must go hang with master Leander.
Pup. Cole.Where is he?
Pup. Lean.Here, Cole: what fairest of fairs,Was that fare that thou landedst but now at Trig-stairs?
Pup. Lean.Here, Cole: what fairest of fairs,
Was that fare that thou landedst but now at Trig-stairs?
Cokes.What was that, fellow? pray thee tell me, I scarce understand them.
Leath.Leander does ask, sir, what fairest of fairs,Was the fare he landed but now at Trig-stairs?
Leath.Leander does ask, sir, what fairest of fairs,
Was the fare he landed but now at Trig-stairs?
Pup. Cole.It is lovely Hero.
Pup. Lean.Nero?
Pup. Cole.No, Hero.
Leath.It is HeroOf the Bank-side, he saith, to tell you truth without erring,Is come over into Fish-street to eat some fresh herring.Leander says no more, but as fast as he can,Gets on all his best clothes, and will after to the Swan.
Leath.It is Hero
Of the Bank-side, he saith, to tell you truth without erring,
Is come over into Fish-street to eat some fresh herring.
Leander says no more, but as fast as he can,
Gets on all his best clothes, and will after to the Swan.
Cokes.Most admirable good, is’t not?
Leath.Stay, sculler.
Pup. Cole.What say you?
Leath.You must stay for Leander,And carry him to the wench.
Leath.You must stay for Leander,
And carry him to the wench.
Pup. Cole.You rogue, I am no pander.
Cokes.He says he is no pander. ’Tis a fine language: I understand it now.
Leath.Are you no pander, goodman Cole? here’s no man says you are;You’ll grow a hot cole, it seems; pray you stay for your fare.
Leath.Are you no pander, goodman Cole? here’s no man says you are;
You’ll grow a hot cole, it seems; pray you stay for your fare.
Pup. Cole.Will he come away?
Leath.What do you say?
Pup. Cole.I’d have him come away.
Leath.Would you have Leander come away? why, pray, sir, stay.You are angry, goodman Cole; I believe the fair maidCame over with you a’ trust: tell us, sculler, are you paid?
Leath.Would you have Leander come away? why, pray, sir, stay.
You are angry, goodman Cole; I believe the fair maid
Came over with you a’ trust: tell us, sculler, are you paid?
Pup. Cole.Yes, goodman Hogrubber of Pickthatch.
Leath.How, Hogrubber of Pickthatch?
Pup. Cole.Ay, Hogrubber of Pickthatch. Take you that.
[Strikes him over the pate.
Leath.O, my head!
Pup. Cole.Harm watch, harm catch!
Cokes.Harm watch, harm catch, he says; very good, i’faith: the sculler had like to have knock’d you, sirrah.
Leath.Yes, but that his fare call’d him away.
Pup. Lean.Row apace, row apace, row, row, row, row, row.
Leath.You are knavishly loaden, sculler, take heed where you go.
Pup. Cole.Knave in your face, goodman rogue.
Pup. Lean.Row, row, row, row, row.
Cokes.He said, knave in your face, friend.
Leath.Ay, sir, I heard him; but there’s no talking to these watermen, they will have the last word.
Cokes.Od’s my life! I am not allied to the sculler yet; he shall beDauphin my boy.But my fiddle-stick does fiddle in and out too much: I pray thee speak to him on’t; tell him I would have him tarry in my sight more.
Leath.I pray you be content; you’ll have enough on him, sir.
Now, gentles, I take it, here is none of you so stupid,But that you have heard of a little god of love call’d Cupid;Who out of kindness to Leander, hearing he but saw her,This present day and hour doth turn himself to a drawer.And because he would have their first meeting to be merry,He strikes Hero in love to him with a pint of sherry;Which he tells her from amorous Leander is sent her,Who after him into the room of Hero doth venture.
Now, gentles, I take it, here is none of you so stupid,
But that you have heard of a little god of love call’d Cupid;
Who out of kindness to Leander, hearing he but saw her,
This present day and hour doth turn himself to a drawer.
And because he would have their first meeting to be merry,
He strikes Hero in love to him with a pint of sherry;
Which he tells her from amorous Leander is sent her,
Who after him into the room of Hero doth venture.
[Puppet Leander goes into Mistress Hero’s room.
Pup. Jonas.A pint of sack, score a pint of sack in the Coney.
Cokes.Sack! you said but e’en now it should be sherry.
Pup. Jonas.Why, so it is; sherry, sherry, sherry.
Cokes.Sherry, sherry, sherry!By my troth he makes me merry. I must have a name for Cupid too. Let me see, thou might’st help me, now, an thou would’st, Numps, at a dead lift: but thou art dreaming of the stocks still.—Do not think on’t, I have forgot it; ’tis but a nine days’ wonder, man; let it not trouble thee.
Waspe.I would the stocks were about your neck, sir; condition I hung by the heels in them till the wonder were off from you, with all my heart.
Cokes.Well said, resolute Numps! but hark you, friend, where’s the friendship all this while between my drum Damon, and my pipe Pythias?
Leath.You shall see by and by, sir.
Cokes.You think my hobby-horse is forgotten too; no, I’ll see them all enact before I go; I shall not know which to love best else.
Knock.This gallant has interrupting vapours, troublesome vapours; Whit, puff with him.
Whit.No, I pree dee, captain, let him alone; he is a child, i’faith, la.
Leath.Now, gentles, to the friends, who in number are two,And lodged in that ale-house in which fair Hero does do.Damon, for some kindness done him the last week,Is come, fair Hero, in Fish-street, this morning to seek:Pythias does smell the knavery of the meeting,And now you shall see their true-friendly greeting.
Leath.Now, gentles, to the friends, who in number are two,
And lodged in that ale-house in which fair Hero does do.
Damon, for some kindness done him the last week,
Is come, fair Hero, in Fish-street, this morning to seek:
Pythias does smell the knavery of the meeting,
And now you shall see their true-friendly greeting.
Pup. Pythias.You whore-masterly slave, you.
Cokes.Whore-masterly slave you! very friendly and familiar, that.
Pup. Damon.Whore-master in thy face,Thou hast lain with her thyself, I’ll prove it in this place.
Pup. Damon.Whore-master in thy face,
Thou hast lain with her thyself, I’ll prove it in this place.
Cokes.Damon says, Pythias has lain with her himself, he’ll prove’t in this place.
Leath.They are whore-masters both, sir, that’s a plain case.
Pup. Pythias.You lie like a rogue.
Leath.Do I lie like a rogue?
Pup. Pythias.A pimp and a scab.
Leath.A pimp and a scab.I say, between you, you have both but one drab.
Leath.A pimp and a scab.
I say, between you, you have both but one drab.
Pup. Damon.You lie again.
Leath.Do I lie again?
Pup. Damon.Like a rogue again.
Leath.Like a rogue again?
Pup. Pythias.And you are a pimp again.
Cokes.And you are a pimp again, he says.
Pup. Damon.And a scab again.
Cokes.And a scab again, he says.
Leath.And I say again, you are both whore-masters, again.And you have both but one drab again.
Leath.And I say again, you are both whore-masters, again.
And you have both but one drab again.
Pup. DamonandPythias.Dost thou, dost thou, dost thou?
[They fall upon him.
Leath.What, both at once?
Pup. Pythias.Down with him, Damon.
Pup. Damon.Pink his guts, Pythias.
Leath.What, so malicious?Will ye murder me, masters both, in my own house?
Leath.What, so malicious?
Will ye murder me, masters both, in my own house?
Cokes.Ho! well acted, my drum, well acted, my pipe, well acted still!
Waspe.Well acted, with all my heart.
Leath.Hold, hold your hands.
Cokes.Ay, both your hands, for my sake! for you have both done well.
Pup. Damon.Gramercy, pure Pythias.
Pup. Pythias.Gramercy, dear Damon.
Cokes.Gramercy to you both, my pipe and my drum.
Pup. PythiasandDamon.Come, now we’ll together to breakfast to Hero.
Leath.’Tis well you can now go to breakfast to Hero.You have given me my breakfast, with a hone and honero.
Leath.’Tis well you can now go to breakfast to Hero.
You have given me my breakfast, with a hone and honero.
Cokes.How is’t, friend, have they hurt thee?
Leath.O no:Between you and I, sir, we do but make show.—Thus, gentles, you perceive, without any denial,’Twixt Damon and Pythias here, friendship’s true trial.Though hourly they quarrel thus, and roar each with other.They fight you no more than does brother with brother;But friendly together, at the next man they meet,They let fly their anger, as here you might see’t.
Leath.O no:
Between you and I, sir, we do but make show.—
Thus, gentles, you perceive, without any denial,
’Twixt Damon and Pythias here, friendship’s true trial.
Though hourly they quarrel thus, and roar each with other.
They fight you no more than does brother with brother;
But friendly together, at the next man they meet,
They let fly their anger, as here you might see’t.
Cokes.Well, we have seen it, and thou hast felt it, whatsoe’er thou sayest. What’s next, what’s next?
Leath.This while young Leander with fair Hero is drinking,And Hero grown drunk to any man’s thinking!Yet was it not three pints of sherry could flaw her,Till Cupid distinguished like Jonas the drawer,From under his apron, where his lechery lurks,Put love in her sack. Now mark how it works.
Leath.This while young Leander with fair Hero is drinking,
And Hero grown drunk to any man’s thinking!
Yet was it not three pints of sherry could flaw her,
Till Cupid distinguished like Jonas the drawer,
From under his apron, where his lechery lurks,
Put love in her sack. Now mark how it works.
Pup. Hero.O Leander, Leander, my dear, my dear Leander,I’ll for ever be thy goose, so thou’lt be my gander.
Pup. Hero.O Leander, Leander, my dear, my dear Leander,
I’ll for ever be thy goose, so thou’lt be my gander.
Cokes.Excellently well said, Fiddle, she’ll ever be his goose, so he’ll be her gander; was’t not so?
Leath.Yes, sir, but mark his answer now.
Pup. Lean.And sweetest of geese, before I go to bed,I’ll swim over the Thames, my goose, thee to tread.
Pup. Lean.And sweetest of geese, before I go to bed,
I’ll swim over the Thames, my goose, thee to tread.
Cokes.Brave! he will swim over the Thames, and tread his goose to-night, he says.
Leath.Ay, peace, sir, they’ll be angry if they hear you eavesdropping, now they are setting their match.
Pup. Lean.But lest the Thames should be dark, my goose, my dear friend,Let thy window be provided of a candle’s end.
Pup. Lean.But lest the Thames should be dark, my goose, my dear friend,
Let thy window be provided of a candle’s end.
Pup. Hero.Fear not, my gander, I protest I should handleMy matters very ill, if I had not a whole candle.
Pup. Hero.Fear not, my gander, I protest I should handle
My matters very ill, if I had not a whole candle.
Pup. Lean.Well then, look to’t, and kiss me to boot.
Leath.Now here come the friends again, Pythias and Damon,And under their clokes they have of bacon a gammon.
Leath.Now here come the friends again, Pythias and Damon,
And under their clokes they have of bacon a gammon.
Pup. Pythias.Drawer, fill some wine here.
Leath.How, some wine there!There’s company already, sir, pray forbear.
Leath.How, some wine there!
There’s company already, sir, pray forbear.
Pup. Damon.’Tis Hero.
Leath.Yes, but she will not to be taken,After sack and fresh herring, with your Dunmow-bacon.
Leath.Yes, but she will not to be taken,
After sack and fresh herring, with your Dunmow-bacon.
Pup. Pythias.You lie, it’s Westfabian.
Leath.Westphalianyou should say.
Pup. Damon.If you hold not your peace, you are a coxcomb, I would say.
[Leander and Hero kiss.
What’s here, what’s here? kiss, kiss, upon kiss!
What’s here, what’s here? kiss, kiss, upon kiss!
Leath.Ay, wherefore should they not? what harm is in this?’Tis mistress Hero.
Leath.Ay, wherefore should they not? what harm is in this?
’Tis mistress Hero.
Pup. Damon.Mistress Hero’s a whore.
Leath.Is she a whore? keep you quiet, or, sir, knave, out of door.
Pup. Damon.Knave out of door?
Pup. Hero.Yes, knave out of door.
Pup. Damon.Whore out of door.
[They fall together by the ears.
Pup. Hero.I say, knave out of door.
Pup. Damon.I say, whore out of door.
Pup. Pythias.Yea, so say I too.
Pup. Hero.Kiss the whore o’ the arse.
Leath.Now you have something to do:You must kiss her o’ the arse, she says.
Leath.Now you have something to do:
You must kiss her o’ the arse, she says.
Pup. DamonandPythias.So we will, so we will.
[They kick her.
Pup. Hero.O my haunches, O my haunches, hold, hold.
Leath.Stand’st thou still!Leander, where, art thou? stand’st thou still like a sot,And not offer’st to break both their heads with a pot?See who’s at thine elbow there! puppet Jonas and Cupid.
Leath.Stand’st thou still!
Leander, where, art thou? stand’st thou still like a sot,
And not offer’st to break both their heads with a pot?
See who’s at thine elbow there! puppet Jonas and Cupid.
Pup. Jonas.Upon ’em, Leander, be not so stupid.
Pup. Lean.You goat-bearded slave!
Pup. Damon.You whore-master knave!
[They fight.
Pup. Lean.Thou art a whore-master.
Pup. Jonas.Whore-masters all.
Leath.See, Cupid with a word has tane up the brawl.
Knock.These be fine vapours!
Cokes.By this good day, they fight bravely; do they not, Numps?
Waspe.Yes, they lack’d but you to be their second all this while.
Leath.This tragical encounter falling out thus to busy us,It raises up the ghost of their friend Dionysius;Not like a monarch, but the master of a school,In a scrivener’s furr’d gown, which shews he is no fool:For therein he hath wit enough to keep himself warm.O Damon, he cries, and Pythias, what harmHath poor Dionysius done you in his grave,That after his death you should fall out thus and rave,And call amorous Leander whore-master knave?
Leath.This tragical encounter falling out thus to busy us,
It raises up the ghost of their friend Dionysius;
Not like a monarch, but the master of a school,
In a scrivener’s furr’d gown, which shews he is no fool:
For therein he hath wit enough to keep himself warm.
O Damon, he cries, and Pythias, what harm
Hath poor Dionysius done you in his grave,
That after his death you should fall out thus and rave,
And call amorous Leander whore-master knave?
Pup. Damon.I cannot, I will not, I promise you, endure it.
RABBIBUSYrushes in.
Busy.Down with Dagon! down with Dagon! ’tis I, I will no longer endure your profanations.
Leath.What mean you, sir?
Busy.I will remove Dagon there, I say, that idol, that heathenish idol, that remains, as I may say, a beam, a very beam,—not a beam of the sun, nor a beam of the moon, nor a beam of a balance, neither a house-beam, nor a weaver’s beam, but a beam in the eye, in the eye of the brethren; a very great beam, an exceeding great beam; such as are your stage-players, rimers, and morrice-dancers, who have walked hand in hand, in contempt of the brethren, and the cause; and been born out by instruments of no mean countenance.
Leath.Sir, I present nothing but what is licensed by authority.
Busy.Thou art all license, even licentiousness itself, Shimei!
Leath.I have the master of the revels’ hand for’t, sir.
Busy.The master of the rebels’ hand thou hast. Satan’s! hold thy peace, thy scurrility, shut up thy mouth, thy profession is damnable, and in pleading for it thou dost plead for Baal. I have long opened my mouth wide, and gaped; I have gaped as the oyster for the tide, after thy destruction: but cannot compass it by suit or dispute; so that I look for a bickering, ere long, and then a battle.
Knock.Good Banbury vapours!
Cokes.Friend, you’d have an ill match on’t, if you bicker with him here; though he be no man of the fist, he has friends that will to cuffs for him. Numps, will not you take our side?
Edg.Sir, it shall not need; in my mind he offers him a fairer course, to end it by disputation: hast thou nothing to say for thyself, in defence of thy quality?
Leath.Faith, sir, I am not well-studied in these controversies, between the hypocrites and us. But here’s one of my motion,puppet Dionysius, shall undertake him, and I’ll venture the cause on’t.
Cokes.Who, my hobby-horse! will he dispute with him?
Leath.Yes, sir, and make a hobby-ass of him, I hope.
Cokes.That’s excellent! indeed he looks like the best scholar of them all. Come, sir, you must be as good as your word now.
Busy.I will not fear to make my spirit and gifts known: assist me zeal, fill me, fill me, that is, make me full!
Winw.What a desperate, profane wretch is this! is there any ignorance or impudence like his, to call his zeal to fill him against a puppet?
Quar.I know no fitter match than a puppet to commit with an hypocrite!
Busy.First, I say unto thee, idol, thou hast no calling.
Pup. Dion.You lie, I am call’d Dionysius.
Leath.The motion says, you lie, he is call’d Dionysius in the matter, and to that calling he answers.
Busy.I mean no vocation, idol, no present lawful calling.
Pup. Dion.Is yours a lawful calling?
Leath.The motion asketh, if yours be a lawful calling.
Busy.Yes, mine is of the spirit.
Pup. Dion.Then idol is a lawful calling.
Leath.He says, then idol is a lawful calling; for you call’d him idol, and your calling is of the spirit.
Cokes.Well disputed, hobby-horse.
Busy.Take not part with the wicked, young gallant: he neigheth and hinnieth; all is but hinnying sophistry. I call him idol again; yet, I say, his calling, his profession is profane, it is profane, idol.
Pup. Dion.It is not profane.
Leath.It is not profane, he says.
Busy.It is profane.
Pup. Dion.It is not profane.
Busy.It is profane.
Pup. Dion.It is not profane.
Leath.Well said, confute him withNot, still. You cannot bear him down with your base noise, sir.
Busy.Nor he me, with his treble creeking, though he creek like the chariot wheels of Satan; I am zealous for the cause—
Leath.As a dog for a bone.
Busy.And I say, it is profane, as being the page of Pride, and the waiting-woman of Vanity.
Pup. Dion.Yea! what say you to your tire-women, then?
Leath.Good.
Pup. Dion.Or feather-makers in the Friers, that are of your faction of faith? are not they with their perukes, and their puffs, their fans, and their huffs, as much pages of Pride, and waiters upon Vanity? What say you, what say you, what say you?
Busy.I will not answer for them.
Pup. Dion.Because you cannot, because you cannot. Is a bugle-makera lawful calling? or the confect-makers? such you have there; or your French fashioner? you would have all the sin within yourselves, would you not, would you not?
Busy.No, Dagon.
Pup. Dion.What then, Dagonet? is a puppet worse than these?
Busy.Yes, and my main argument against you is, that you are an abomination; for the male, among you, putteth on the apparel of the female, and the female of the male.
Pup. Dion.You lie, you lie, you lie abominably.
Cokes.Good, by my troth, he has given him the lie thrice.
Pup. Dion.It is your old stale argument against the players, but it will not hold against the puppets; for we have neither male nor female amongst us. And that thou may’st see, if thou wilt, like a malicious purblind zeal as thou art.
[Takes up his garment.
Edg.By my faith, there he has answer’d you, friend, a plain demonstration.
Pup. Dion.Nay, I’ll prove, against e’er a Rabbin of them all, that my standing is as lawful as his; that I speak by inspiration, as well as he; that I have as little to do with learning as he; and do scorn her helps as much as he.
Busy.I am confuted, the cause hath failed me.
Pup. Dion.Then be converted, be converted.
Leath.Be converted, I pray you, and let the play go on!
Busy.Let it go on; for I am changed, and will become a beholder with you.
Cokes.That’s brave, i’faith, thou hast carried it away, hobby-horse; on with the play.
Over.[discovering himself.] Stay, now do I forbid; I am Adam Overdo! sit still, I charge you.
Cokes.What, my brother-in-law!
Grace.My wise guardian!
Edg.Justice Overdo!
Over.It is time to take enormity by the forehead, and brand it; for I have discovered enough.
EnterQUARLOUSinTROUBLEALL’Sclothes, as before, andDame PURECRAFT.
Quar.Nay, come, mistress bride; you must do as I do, now. You must be mad with me, in truth. I have here justice Overdo for it.
Over.Peace, good Troubleall; come hither, and you shall trouble none. I will take the charge of you, and your friend too; you also, young man [to Edgworth] shall be my care; stand there.
Edg.Now, mercy upon me.
Knock.Would we were away, Whit, these are dangerous vapours; best fall off with our birds, for fear o’ the cage.
[They attempt to steal away.
Over.Stay, is not my name your terror?
Whit.Yesh fait, man, and it ish for tat we would be gone, man.
EnterLITTLEWIT.
Lit.O, gentlemen! did you not see a wife of mine? I have lost my little wife, as I shall be trusted; my little pretty Win. I left her at the great woman’s house in trust yonder, the pig-woman’s, with captain Jordan, and captain Whit, very good men, and I cannot hear of her. Poor fool, I fear she’s stepp’d aside. Mother, did you not see Win?
Over.If this grave matron be your mother, sir, stand by her,et digito compesce labellum;I may perhaps spring a wife for you anon. Brother Bartholomew, I am sadly sorry to see you so lightly given, and such a disciple of enormity, with your grave governor Humphrey: but stand you both there, in the middle place; I will reprehend you in your course. Mistress Grace, let me rescue you out of the hands of the stranger.
Winw.Pardon me, sir, I am a kinsman of hers.
Over.Are you so! of what name, sir?
Winw.Winwife, sir.
Over.Master Winwife! I hope you have won no wife of her, sir; if you have, I will examine the possibility of it, at fit leisure. Now, to my enormities: look upon me, O London! and see me, O Smithfield! the example of justice, and Mirrour of Magistrates; the true top of formality, and scourge of enormity. Hearken unto my labours, and but observe my discoveries; and compare Hercules with me, if thou dar’st, of old; or Columbus, Magellan, or our countryman Drake, of later times. Stand forth, you weeds of enormity, and spread. First, Rabbi Busy, thou superlunatical hypocrite;—[to Leatherhead.] Next thou other extremity, thou profane professor of puppetry, little better than poetry:—[to Whit.] Then thou strong debaucher and seducer of youth; witness this easy and honest young man, [pointing to Edgworth.]—[to Knockem.] Now, thou esquire of dames, madams, and twelve-penny ladies.—Now, my green madam herself of the price; let me unmask your ladyship.
[Discovers Mrs. Littlewit.
Lit.O my wife, my wife, my wife!
Over.Is she your wife?Redde te Harpocratem!
EnterTROUBLEALL,with a dripping-pan, followed byURSULAandNIGHTINGALE.
Tro.By your leave, stand by, my masters, be uncover’d.
Urs.O stay him, stay him, help to cry, Nightingale; my pan, my pan!
Over.What’s the matter?
Night.He has stolen gammar Ursula’s pan.
Tro.Yes, and I fear no man but justice Overdo.
Over.Ursula! where is she? O the sow of enormity, this! welcome, stand you there; you, songster, there.
Urs.An’t please your worship, I am in no fault: a gentlemanstripped him in my booth, and borrowed his gown, and his hat; and he ran away with my goods here for it.
Over.[to Quarlous.] Then this is the true madman, and you are the enormity!
Quar.You are in the right: I am mad but from the gown outward.
Over.Stand you there.
Quar.Where you please, sir.
Mrs. Over.[waking] O, lend me a bason, I am sick, I am sick! where’s master Overdo? Bridget, call hither my Adam.
Over.How!
[He is shamed and silenced.
Whit.Dy very own wife, i’fait, worshipful Adam.
Mrs. Over.Will not my Adam come at me? shall I see him no more then?
Quar.Sir, why do you not go on with the enormity? are you oppressed with it? I’ll help you: hark you, sir, in your ear—Your innocent young man, you have ta’en such care of all this day, is a cut-purse, that hath got all your brother Cokes’ things, and helped you to your beating and the stocks; if you have a mind to hang him now, and shew him your magistrate’s wit, you may: but I should think it were better recovering the goods, and to save your estimation in him. I thank you, sir, for the gift of your ward, mistress Grace; look you, here is your hand and seal, by the way. Master Winwife, give you joy, you arePalemon, you are possessed of the gentlewoman, but she must pay me value, here’s warrant for it. And, honest madman, there’s thy gown and cap again; I thank thee for my wife. Nay, I can be mad, sweet-heart, [to Mrs. Purecraft] when I please still; never fear me; and careful Numps, where’s he? I thank him for my license.
Waspe.How!
Quar.’Tis true, Numps.
Waspe.I’ll be hang’d then.
Quar.Look in your box, Numps.—Nay, sir, [to Overdo.] stand not you fix’d here, like a stake in Finsbury, to be shot at, or the whipping-post in the Fair, but get your wife out o’ the air, it will make her worse else; and remember you are but Adam, flesh and blood! you have your frailty, forget your other name of Overdo, and invite us all to supper. There you and I will compare our discoveries; and drown the memory of all enormity in your biggest bowl at home.
Cokes.How now, Numps, have you lost it? I warrant ’twas when thou wert in the stocks: Why dost not speak!
Waspe.I will never speak while I live again, for aught I know.
Over.Nay, Humphrey, if I be patient, you must be so too; this pleasant conceited gentleman hath wrought upon my judgment, and prevail’d: I pray you take care of your sick friend, mistress Alice, and my good friends all—
Quar.And noenormities.
Over.I invite you home with me to my house to supper: I willhave none fear to go along, for my intents aread correctionem, non ad destructionem; ad ædificandum, non ad diruendum: so lead on.
Cokes.Yes, and bring the actors along, we’ll have the rest of the play at home.
[Exeunt.
EPILOGUE.
Your Majesty hath seen the play, and youCan best allow it from your ear and view.You know the scope of writers, and what storeOf leave is given them, if they take not more,And turn it into license: you can tellIf we have us’d that leave you gave us well;Or whether we to rage or license break,Or be profane, or make profane men speak:This is your power to judge, great sir, and notThe envy of a few. Which if we have got,We value less what their dislike can bring,If it so happy be, t’ have pleased the King.
Your Majesty hath seen the play, and you
Can best allow it from your ear and view.
You know the scope of writers, and what store
Of leave is given them, if they take not more,
And turn it into license: you can tell
If we have us’d that leave you gave us well;
Or whether we to rage or license break,
Or be profane, or make profane men speak:
This is your power to judge, great sir, and not
The envy of a few. Which if we have got,
We value less what their dislike can bring,
If it so happy be, t’ have pleased the King.