It is well at a ball, to have a table for cards and men for chess: for all the guests are not dancers, and it is the duty of a host to see thatallenjoy themselves. It is customary for partners to bow slightly to each other before beginning a game of cards or chess. When a game of cards is ended, and the "shuffle" is your partner's, the cards should be arranged and handed to the lady whose turn it is to deal them.
To discuss the rules of play is ungenteel. In a quiet party the tact and cordiality of the entertainers should put all the guests at their ease.
The choice of the guests is not one of the least difficult points. At the house of a political man, there should be an effort to unite all shades of opinion. From parties of any kind, a man known for his gratuitous rudeness, or for the impropriety of his witticism, will be excluded by all who are desirous of maintaining the proprieties of social intercourse. Opposing politicians, editors, lawyers, and ministers shouldnevercarry theirprofessionalfeelings into the parlor, nor, by any expression, mar the good-humor of an evening.
It is improper to express your opinion loudly in company, or to remain long at the card-table when you are young and known to be a good dancer.
It is a delicate attention to stand behind a lady at the piano and turn over the leaves of her music-book, and after the music to gallant her to her seat. After the dance, a gentleman must not omit to conduct his partner to her seat; and in so doing, a well-turned compliment will not be out of place.
We have noted the impropriety of a young man's remaining long at the chess or the card table, when the ladies are in want of a partner in the adjoining room. At the same time, a gentleman should be acquainted with one or more games, as it is polite to play with the host or his guests, if you are invited to do so.
Some persons, in playing cards, show an effort to conceal their hand; this is ill-bred. If it be a pleasure to spectators to watch the game, why should you object to it? Even if it be disagreeable to you to be overlooked, you should not let it appear.
You will sometimes see one partner reproach another sharply for unskillful play; thus convicting himself of being more unskilled in the science of good-breeding.
The man who utters noisy complaints about his luck, or manifests unseemly joy at winning a game, raising his voice to a high key on all occasions, is so ignorant as to be unworthy of admission into a drawing-room.
In playing chess, avoid the other extreme of being too silent and abstracted, for such conduct is only fit for the study.
Use a cheerful air, and make others feel your geniality, if you would win hearts as well as games.
"To give an invitation," says a brilliant writer, "is to take the responsibility of your guest's happiness during the time he is under your roof." This is an ambitious view of the subject; we will alter it thus: "To invite a man, is to undertake to do all in your power to make him feel satisfied with the pleasure you offer him." In order to do which, it is essential to know the tastes of your guests. To invite two persons at enmity with each other, to an entertainment, is a blunder; it is unpardonable to bring such together in a small party, unless, indeed, the way to reconciliation lies open; and even in this case there is an awkwardness in the presence of enemies, which will not fail to render their presence unpleasant to others.
"The pleasures of the table," says the author of the "Physiology of Taste," "belong to all ages, to all ranks, to all countries; they may be enjoyed with all other pleasures, and remain the longest to console us for their loss." That this enjoyment may be undisturbed, take care that nothing occurs to chagrin any of the guests; if, therefore, the conversation falls upon a subject disagreeable to any one present, good-breeding requires that the host should skillfully turn it upon another topic.
An invitation to dinner should be given at least two days beforehand, except in extraordinary cases. From an inferior to a superior, it should be made in person.
In ceremonious dinners, the place of each guest is assigned beforehand; you thus avoid putting several ladies together. Each one should have a gentleman next her.
The host offers his arm to the lady deserving ofmost consideration. Young people should yield to those more advanced in years. Do not forget, in passing the threshold of a door, toprecedethe lady who leans on your arm. This is an exception to the general rule; in every other case, the gentleman should retire a step, to allow the lady to pass.
Before passing into the dining-room, each gentleman offers hisleftarm to a lady, and conducts her to table.
Beware of arriving too early or too late: in either case there is an awkwardness—in the former you inconvenience your host; in the latter, his guests.
Once at table, you should not lose sight of the plate or glass of your fair neighbor, showing yourself attentive, without affectation or over-officiousness.
Meat should be cut only according as it is carried to the mouth. To cut up a plateful is the very height of greediness and ill-breeding.
Bread is broken as it is wanted; after soup, which is served out by the host, the spoon remains on the plate, as it will not be used again.
Where wine is used, three glasses are usually laid down to each guest at dinner: one for ordinary wines; another of smaller size for claret; the third to receive the sparkling foam of the champagne. In drinking you should say to your neighbor, "Sir, may I offer you?" and not employ the ungenteel phrase, "Will you take?" as if you were at the bar of some ordinary drinking-saloon.
If the dish that you desire be too far from your neighbor, do not ask another guest; the servant will attend your orders.
The noise of the knife and plate should be heard as little as possible; rapidity in eating is also ill-bred.
A knowledge of carving is indispensable to all men who would act the host with grace and propriety.
Do not assist yourself to any dish where servants stand ready to supply you.
Some persons use their bread at dinner to dry up their plates; this is intolerable beyond the family circle, and even there is rather childish.
Parents should be careful to save their children from awkwardness in company, either in treading on a lady's dress, or using the knife in eating; or worse still, their fingers.
Never take any thing out of your pocket to lay on the table.
The napkin should rest on the knees, only half unfolded. The fork is never to be laid on its back.
The host has the knives changed for dessert.
The knife and fork, and the table utensils generally should never be handed endways, but should be held by the middle.
Coffee is generally served after passing into the drawing room. The lady of the house fills it out if it be after dinner; after breakfast this office may be left to a servant.
The hostess should not seek to outvie her guests in the costliness of her toilet. This would be in bad taste.
In England, it is the custom for ladies to retire a little before the close of the meal. American ladies are not disposed to admire this habit, and we are too gallant and too anxious to enjoy the charm of their conversation, to subject them to this mode of banishment.
The lady of the house should show the same solicitude for all her guests, and take care that they want for nothing.
In some houses, a custom has been adopted, which appears to us vulgar, viz: the gentlemen retire from the company for a short timeto smoke; on their return to the ladies, their clothes and breath exhale the disagreeable perfume. There are few well-bred women to whom tobacco is not extremely offensive.
The host rises to leave the table; you must remember not to fold your napkin, as is usual in the family, where the same napkin serves you several times. Each gentleman offers his arm to a lady, and conducts her back to the drawing-room.
The Romans knew how to enhance, by enjoyments unknown to us, the pleasures of the table; and the Greeks threw more poetry into their festivals than our somewhat prosaic eaters. At the banquets of Greece, the sculptured cups were crowned with roses; singers and musicians enlivened the close of the repast; and the wit of the professed jester contributed to the entertainment of the guests.
The table and side-board and mantels will always look more inviting when dressed tastefully in flowers. A sweet bouquet before each lady is a personal compliment which it is easy to bestow, and one which can not fail to please the guests.
Good behavior upon the street, or public promenade, marks the gentleman most effectually; rudeness, incivility, disregard of "what the world says," marks the person of low breeding. We always know, in walking a square with a man, if he is a gentleman or not. A real gentility never does the following things on the street, in presence of observers:—
Never picks the teeth, nor scratches the head.
Never swears or talks uproariously.
Never picks the nose with the finger.
Never smokes, or spits upon the walk, to the exceeding annoyance of those who are always disgusted with tobacco in any shape.
Never stares at any one, man or woman, in a marked manner.
Never scans a lady's dress impertinently, and makes no rude remarks about her.
Never crowds before promenaders in a rough or hurried way.
Never jostles a lady or gentleman without an "excuse me."
Never treads upon a lady's dress without begging pardon.
Never loses temper, nor attracts attention by excited conversation.
Never dresses in an odd or singular manner, so as to create remark.
Never fails to raise his hat politely to a lady acquaintance; nor to a male friend who may be walking with a lady—it is a courtesy to the lady.
Of course a lady will not be rude, nor dress so as attract undue attention, much less to create unpleasant remark. She will be kind to all; she will not absorb too much of the walk, nor fail to give half the way to either a lady or gentleman; she will not allow her skirts to drag upon the walk to the annoyance of other pedestrians; she will not fail to recognize friends by a pleasant smile and slight bow; she will not look back at any one who has passed her; she will not eye another lady's dress, as if studying its very texture; she will not stop upon the walk to talk with a friend to the inconvenience of others; she will not make the street a place of meeting with a person whom she can not receive at her house. Some femalesdo, it is true, not regard all these laws of proper and recognized etiquette; and such, we are forced to say, forfeit their claim to be called a lady. A true lady in the street, as in the parlor orsalon, is modest, discreet, kind, obliging; if she is to the contrary, she forfeits her right to be called after the truly genteel.
It is a most unfailing mark of ignorance and low origin to "put on airs," and to show pride, vanity, egotism in the street. The truly well-educated, well-born, and well-bredneverbetray vanity, conceit, superciliousness, nor hauteur. Set this down as an invariable law, and, male or female, let it guide all your actions.
It is proper that the lady shouldfirstrecognize the gentleman. There has been some dispute on this point of etiquette, but we think there can be no question of the propriety of the first recognition coming from the lady. A gentleman will never fail to bow in return to a lady, even if he may feel coldly disposed toward her; but a lady may not feel at liberty to return a gentleman's bow, which places him in a rather unpleasant position. A lady should give the first smile or bow, is the rule now recognized.
In meeting acquaintances several times during the same promenade, it is not necessary to salute them at every passing.
In offering a lady your arm, as it is proper to do upon the street, particularly in the evening, always give her therightarm, because persons in passing, observing the law "turn to the right," would jostle her if she was upon the left arm. The practice of always giving the lady the inside of the walk, is a very useless one, and not necessary to true politeness.
It is always proper for a gentleman walking alone,or with another of his sex, to give the lady, or a gentleman with a lady, the inside of the walk.
In gallanting a lady to a carriage, take her left hand. It is truly polite to take off the hat in such a service.
A volume might with propriety be written on business proprieties, for the rules of good-breeding are so outrageously violated by employees and employers, that to detail their shortcomings would require many pages. But in business as in all other intercourse, the one invariable law of good-breeding, viz.: kindness, offers the key to all true mode of conduct. Be kind and considerate, and you will do right.
The upright and model man of business never commits any of the following sins:—
Never tells a falsehood, even though at times it may offer a temporary advantage. In the end it will not result happily—neither to conscience nor to the till. It is one of the fixed laws of compensations that a wrong entails evil, sooner or later; hence, even in a selfish view, it is best always to tell the truth.
Never creates false expectations to effect a transaction.
Never represents an article to be what it is not. The secret of the success of A. T. Stewart, and other merchants of eminence, is that they never would allow any deception to be practiced upon customers. A child can buy of them as safely as an experienced person.
Never breaks appointments, and never fails to keep good his word to the hour and the letter, if there is no just cause to prevent.
Never is absent from his business, except when absolutely necessary.
Never allows others in his employ to do what is not perfectly intelligible to him. Always understands his books; always keeps the run of the entire day's transactions; always knows the exact state of his bank account; always is acquainted with the doings of each one in his employ.
If called upon by any person he is polite; he gives no curt answers; he keeps none waiting unnecessarily; he is solicitous of doing what will most please.
In a word, the secret of business success, and the true criterion of action for the business man, young or old, is to be found in that blessed Golden Rule, which will forever hold good, viz.:—
Do unto others as ye would that they should do unto you.
Let it not be said that the first principles of good breeding are unknown to the working-man; he may be ignorant of the usages of society, but he can, if he please, maintain a becoming and agreeable deportment. What generally makes him coarse and surly, is the prejudice, unhappily too widely spread, that the rich man feels above him. This is a great mistake; it is not the blouse that is shunned, it is the rudeness of the man who wears it. Labor is always held in esteem by any man of sense; but who can regard coarseness and rudeness with respect? Two workmen enter a saloon, they talk as if in the street, abuse those whom they name "aristocrats," and make such a disturbance, that the waiter shows them to the door. Is it the working-man who is thus used? no, verily, it is the insulter of the public. A man in broadcloth, who should conduct himself thus, would, in like manner, be requested to retire from the company of those whom he was disturbing. However,the operative thus treated, always exclaims: "Though one is a workman, he is as good as you." But, in this case, he is not in the character of a working-man, but in that of a consumer, like all the others seeking their comfort or pleasure; none of whom would think of saying, if such a thing happened to them, "I am a lawyer;" or, "I am a physician;" or, "I am an officer." In a public establishment, such as acafe, or hotel, or in public conveyances, all are equal, and no one should be suffered to be insolent, or vulgar, or rude.
The rich man, on his part, knows that there are laws of politeness to be observed toward all. The upstart or snob alone gives himself the habit of speaking rudely to those he employs; he alone affects to humble them by his tone of superiority. The man oftruenobility is polite to every one, be he rich or poor.
In the matter ofLoveit would be hard to lay down any formal rules; the heart is its own teacher; ifitsimpulses be true and pure, your looks, words, and actions will be in no danger of doing you any particular discredit. Even awkwardness is sometimes eloquent, and makes a better companion than themost elegant self-possession, since it proclaims the reality of your passion, and the diffidence of real affection. Love has a language of its own, and will not thank any book of etiquette for a lesson. If the maiden be modest, and the youth sincere and manly, they will appreciate and understand each other without danger of mistakes.
It has been said that any refined and delicate woman canpreventan offer which she does not intend to accept, and we believe that, in most cases, she can; saving herself the pain of refusal, and her lover the mortification of being rejected.
It is a poor triumph for a young lady to say, or to feel, that she has refused five, ten, or twenty offers of marriage; it is about the same as acknowledging herself a trifler and coquette, who, from motives of personal vanity, tempts and induces hopes and expectations which she has predetermined shall be disappointed. Such a course is, to a certain degree, both unprincipled and immodest.
It is a still greater crime when a man conveys the impression that he is in love, by actions, gallantries, looks, attentions, all—except that he never commits himself—and finally withdraws his devotions, exulting in the thought that he has said or written nothing which can legally bind him.
But true love, as we remarked before, will find for itself some becoming expression and—
"needs not the foreign child of ornament."
Love, of course, unless some insuperable barrier exists, will be followed in due time byCourtship. Here some formalities will begin to be observed. The passion which blushed to own itself to itself, having been crowned, becomes a matter of interest to othersthan the two most particularly concerned. If a young man thinks fit to address himselffirstto the young lady, to find if his attentions be agreeable to her, he should not delay, after gaining her consent to them, to respectfully solicit the approval of her parents or guardians. This is due to them, and should not be put off on account of any unworthy fear or timidity.
It is customary in some circles for the parents to make the betrothal immediately known to their friends, and even to give a kind of preliminary festival at which the couple are publicly congratulated.
Good taste will dictate the avoidance of any expression of fondness between the parties when in company.
Envy and satire are ever on the look-out for subjects of ridicule, and it is well to give them no opportunity. Sentiment which is beautiful in the family circle, is often odious in society. The same rule holds good with relatives and newly-married people. Their devotion to each other should be put aside, and the claims of others upon their courtesy and time duly honored.
The amount of attention permissible before marriage, such as walking, driving, concert-going, etc., depends very much upon the customs of the place in which the persons reside. Public opinion and habit should not be invaded without some good and weighty reason, even with the most innocent purposes. It can not be desirable to provoke remark and censure, however indifferent you may feel towards its authors.
TheMarriageceremony varies with the fortunes and wishes of those interested.
In regard to the form of the rite, no specific direction are necessary; for those who are to be married by ministers, will study the form of their particularchurch—the Methodists their "Book of Discipline," the Episcopalians their "Book of Common Prayer," the Catholics their Ritual, etc., etc. In most cases a rehearsal of the ceremony is made in private, that the pair may the more perfectly understand the necessary forms. If the parties are to be wedded by a magistrate, the ceremony is almost nominal—it is a mere repetition of a vow. The Catholic and Episcopal forms have the most ceremony, and doubtless are the most impressive, though no more effectually marrying than the simplest form.
There are, however, some generally received rules which govern this momentous and interesting occasion, and to these we refer all interested.
When the wedding is not strictly in private, it is customary for bridesmaids and groomsmen to be chosen to assist in the duties of the occasion.
The bridesmaids should beyoungerthan the bride; their dresses should beconformed to hers; they should not be any more expensive, though they are permitted more ornament. They are generally chosen of light, graceful material; flowers are the principal decoration.
The bride's dress is marked by simplicity. But few jewels or ornaments should be worn, and those should be the gift of the bridegroom or parents. A veil and garland are the distinguishing features of the dress.
The bridesmaids assist in dressing the bride, receiving the company, etc.; and, at the time of the ceremony, stand at herleftside, the first bridesmaid holding the bouquet and gloves.
The groomsmen receive the clergyman, present him to the couple to be married, and support the bridegroom upon theright, during the ceremony.
If it is an evening wedding, at home, immediately after "these twain are made one," they are congratulated: first by the relatives, then by the friends, receiving the good wishes of all; after which, they are at liberty to leave their formal position, and mingle with the company. The dresses, supper, etc., are usually more festive and gay than for a morning wedding and reception, where the friends stop for a few moments only, to congratulate the newly-married pair, taste the cake and wine, and hurry away.
When the ceremony is performed in church, the bride enters at theleft, with her father, mother, and bridesmaids; or, at all events, with a bridesmaid. The groom enters at theright, followed by his attendants. The parents stand behind, the attendants at either side.
The bride should be certain that her glove is readily removable; the groom, that the ring is where he can find it, to avoid delay and embarrassment.
When they leave the church, the newly-married couple walk arm-in-arm. They have usually a reception of a couple of hours at home, for their intimate friends, then a breakfast, then leave upon the "bridal tour."
The wording of invitations, and the styles of cards, are so constantly changing, that it will not do to lay down rules. Cards of invitationtothe wedding are usually sent out in thename of the mother. [See page 70.]
A few days before the return of the wedded pair, their own especial card is sent to those whom they desire shall call upon them, and whose acquaintance they wish to retain.
However plain the dress chosen for the occasion, gloves and shoes must be faultless. There should be flowers if possible; they are never more in place.
The fee of the clergyman will be decided by the fortune and position of the groom. No doubt, in the joy of his heart, the just married will be liberal; if he is not, uponthisoccasion, he never will be. Thefirst groomsmanwill take charge of this matter.
The travelling dresses should not be marked by "bridal favors," if the happy couple wish to avoid the curious scrutiny of strangers.
Married people should never intrude "family jars" nor family devotion upon company. Husband and wife should be pleasant and affectionate in their demeanor, with a show of reserve, while in the presence of "the world." It is improper to say "husband" and "wife," in speaking of your companion to others. Use their title, as Mr. or Mrs.—that is, to all but intimate friends. Especially, do not introduce, "my wife," or "my husband." Caresses, disagreements, and significant glances betraying secret intelligence, are all out of place in general company.
The "honeymoon" is a mythic time. It is generally regarded as extending to the first six weeks, during which period the young couple must give themselves up to receptions of friends, to attending parties made in their honor, etc. The real honeymoonshouldlastthrough life, and will, if the pair is properly mated. Therefore, let the choice be made in no haste and passion and blindness, but in deliberation and calm exercise of judgment.
FOOTNOTES:[A]There is much preposterous stuff before the public, in the way of books relating to love and its relations, to marriage, and to wedded life. We look upon these works, as a general thing, as vicious in their nature, because they excite passions and feelings and expectations of which no one needs to be specially informed; while their detail of processes necessary to accomplish a wished for "happy result" are truly disgusting. A person's own heart, and the advice of some good sensible married friend, are all sufficient for the necessary guidance of a man or woman designing marriage. We propose, in some future work, to introduce this matter more fully to our readers, in a series of papers especially addressed to young and to married folks. We here give such general rules and observances as seem proper to be adverted to in a work on etiquette.
[A]There is much preposterous stuff before the public, in the way of books relating to love and its relations, to marriage, and to wedded life. We look upon these works, as a general thing, as vicious in their nature, because they excite passions and feelings and expectations of which no one needs to be specially informed; while their detail of processes necessary to accomplish a wished for "happy result" are truly disgusting. A person's own heart, and the advice of some good sensible married friend, are all sufficient for the necessary guidance of a man or woman designing marriage. We propose, in some future work, to introduce this matter more fully to our readers, in a series of papers especially addressed to young and to married folks. We here give such general rules and observances as seem proper to be adverted to in a work on etiquette.
[A]There is much preposterous stuff before the public, in the way of books relating to love and its relations, to marriage, and to wedded life. We look upon these works, as a general thing, as vicious in their nature, because they excite passions and feelings and expectations of which no one needs to be specially informed; while their detail of processes necessary to accomplish a wished for "happy result" are truly disgusting. A person's own heart, and the advice of some good sensible married friend, are all sufficient for the necessary guidance of a man or woman designing marriage. We propose, in some future work, to introduce this matter more fully to our readers, in a series of papers especially addressed to young and to married folks. We here give such general rules and observances as seem proper to be adverted to in a work on etiquette.
Some young people seem to imagine that they are living in the age of Voltaire, and make a merit of skeptical and even atheistical opinions. They laugh at the sacred character of the ministry, and deride what is venerable and sacred. This class is as deservingof contempt, as it is avoided in truly good society. Impiety is no longer fashionable as it was in the days when an atheistical philosopher thought to make laws for the world, and construe liberty into license to outrage every pious instinct.
A man who does not respect the religion of his fathers, is incapable of knowing, and therefore of applying, the laws of good-breeding. A young man who boasts his freedom of religious opinions, is but confessing his own ignorance, for his belief is, in most cases, the result of a perfect non-acquaintance with religious systems. How many of our boasted "free thinkers" are men of pure lives and noble instincts?
Another sin is its want of respect for women and for persons of advanced years. A man of religious feeling holds himself bound to those duties, in respect to old age, that were observed in ancient times. But the young men of whom we have been speaking make a parade of rudeness in the presence of an old man; they pay him no more respect than if he were an unfledged youth of eighteen like themselves; they smoke cigars under his nose; scarcely deign to acknowledge him in the street; and never are willing to remember that their father is or was an old man, and that they will themselves grow old. Such respect neither their parents nor themselves. Diogenes declared himself to be a dog that he might have a right to indulge his cynical disposition. So are these flippant theologians who have sunk to the same level.
One word as to the influence of religion upon the character of the young girl. A religious course of training can alone impart to the feminine character that spirit of yielding gentleness which, in domestic, as in public life, is the basis of politeness. Deprived of these qualities, a woman would be unamiable inthe family circle, as well as in the world, where, in spite of her efforts to appear pleasing, her bad education would inevitably display itself. Young ladies of this class, if they do not go the length of impertinence, have a dissatisfied air, and indulge in the habit of criticising every thing with severity. If married, they quickly banish peace from the conjugal roof, by their exactions and ill-humor. They are not willing to make a single sacrifice for their husband's happiness; quarrels and oppositions please them, and the gentlest yoke becomes a heavy chain. The husband thus situated may consider himself happy, if his wife will condescend to occupy herself at all with domestic affairs, and things so common as the concerns of the family. An irreligious woman is as much to be abhorred as a drunken woman: she is no longer fit to lead in society and to give tone to its morals; she is not fit to be a mother; for her children will surely be reckless and godless; she is not a grace, but a blot on her sex, disliked even by men who profess to no religious conviction.
What is becoming to one woman, may be just the reverse to another, and in such a case it is foolish to be the slave of fashion. A tall, elegant, and well-formed figure requires a material that will exhibit and set off to advantage these charms.
Velvet suits well a commanding figure which disdains light materials, pale colors, and trifling ornaments. In vain will a new fashion proffer its pretty trinkets: the woman who possesses this classical figure will disdain all such trifles. Her style of head-dress will be chaste; diamond ornaments will sparkle on her bosom; she is a queen, and should wear the ornaments of royalty, provided she can do so.
A young girl, all grace and elegance, will robe her sylph-like form in the most transparent of textures; she will place a fresh garland on her charming brow. Every thing in her dress should correspond to the freshness of her smile, to the sweetness of her expression.
We must, moreover, counsel our fair friends not to spoil their beauty by any act of their own. To explain ourselves further:
We will suppose you to possess a beautiful face, and you have every interest in preserving its regularity. Now mark: If you experience the slightest opposition, your features are not recognizable your forehead is wrinkled, you are ten years older!
Are you angry? your nose contracts, your upper lip is elongated, your eyes are half covered by their lids; you are frightfully ugly!
Are you afraid? your eyebrows are raised, your mouth is half open, and you look like a simpleton!
Are you cold? all your features are contracted, every muscle of your face is in a state of tension, your neck sinks between your shoulders, you are hunch-backed; consequently the blood, less active in this semi-circular position, makes you still colder than if you walked on boldly, and you have further the advantage of looking like a little old man!
Are you negligent in your dress, careless in your habits, idle and listless? your face gradually assumes an expression of creticism, which makes your eyes lose all their vivacity, and your countenance its charms!
Consult your mirror when you experience one of these feelings, and you will hardly recognize yourself.
Since God has given you an agreeable countenance,do not deface his work—all the world will be gainers and yourself also.
Alas! what shall we say to those who have not been favored with a charming countenance? In such a case there is almost always a compensation of Nature's own providing. You will observe that with unprepossessing features, there is generally an elegant figure, or a great deal of expression, or lively wit, that makes you forget that Nature has been less bountiful than is her wont.
Fanciful modes of dress suit the coquette; she knows how to make use of them: they are her counters. She has the art of arranging tastefully even the folds of her dress. Her costume should be full of variety, to be the reflection of her caprices.
We have given such specific directions as have seemed to us necessary to form the gentleman. In many cases it has been necessary to repeat admonitions in order to impress on the mind of the reader the propriety of certain special observances. Let this excuse what may, at times, appear to be a repetition or a tautology. In this chapter we wish to address young men confidentially and candidly upon some of those habits and ways of life which serve to mold the character of the man to a considerable degree, and, hence, are of vital importance in their relations to society and to individuals.
A young man who starts out in life without any settled purpose in mind, is laboring at great disadvantage. He will waste several years in useless and aimless endeavor to "get along," which he ought to have given up to settling and systematizing his life-occupation. If he is to learn a trade, let him resolveupon it at as early a moment as is practicable, and once resolved upon, let all his energies be devoted to his pursuit. Success will be sure to follow such an endeavor; and the age of twenty-five will, beyond a doubt, if health does not fail, find the young man a respected member of community, an efficient workman earning a liberal living, and well qualified to enter upon the business and responsibilities of wedded life. If, on the contrary, the young man allows his majority to find him still deficient in a knowledge of the trade he knows he must or ought to follow, it is almost a moral certainty that he never will attain to the efficiency, the industry, and self-reliance which, otherwise, must have marked him. Learn your trade, then, ere your majority comes; and, when once learned, remember that,
Through long days of labor,And nights devoid of ease,
spring those blessings and rewards which almost inevitably follow upon endeavor rightly directed.
If you propose a commercial life, let there be no hesitation in the decision; but go at it bravely, cheerfully, persistently, that your majority may find you enjoying the confidence of employers, and on the high-road to your own independence. Remember, solemnly remember, that incorruptible honesty, integrity unimpeachable, virtue uncontaminated, are the best riches theheartof man can ever attain—that wealth gained at a sacrifice of any of these qualities is a leprosy of gold which will cover the very soul with loathsomeness. If the author of this chapter had a million of dollars to bestow, it would be joyfully hurled into the sea, to be lost forever, if its possessorship could impair the virtue and moral excellenceof its recipients. View wealth, as honorable only when honorably attained and rationally enjoyed; and your life will be one which you, your friends, and your children will call blessed.
If you design a professional life, it should be determined on before the years of school-life are ended, that you may direct your studies and mold your thoughts into the most effective channels. As in a commercial life, remember that the key-stone of success lies in your honesty. A man who enters upon the practice of the law, or of medicine merely for gain, is starting out with a bad principle, which will not fail to produce bad results even though wealth be obtained; for, if purity of heart, disinterestedness, self-respect are all gone, of what avail ismoney? The veriest vagrant, who comes honestly by his poverty, is a nobler being than he who comes dishonorably by his wealth.
As has been said, in previous pages, gentility has much to do with success in life. It opens a way for progress where no rudeness would avail—it unlocks sympathies, awakens friendships, commands confidences which are better than mortgages and bonds in our dealings with men; and we therefore commend earnestly to your attention what we have said on previous pages in regard to the rules and observances of the good-breeding which indicates true gentility.
What is "the beautiful?" It is what beautifies and graces life. It is the antithesis of the real and practical. It is the glory of life, for it elevates the heart and mind into the contemplation of, and sympathy with, the ideal—the spiritual. Its language is the language of emotion; it startles, and thrills, andstirs within us divine impulses. It comforts life, as the shower comforts the parched grass; and penetrates into the very recesses of our being, as the juices and fluids penetrate the arteries and pores of the plant.
There is so much practicality in our American life, that we are in danger of growing sordid, covetous, unsympathetic, unpoetical; and our lives threaten to be as barren of beauty as the pile of unhewn marble, out of which the glorious edificecanbe built, if only the hand of the master touches it, and molds it into forms of unity and grace. We want the hand of that master to seize our being, to give it symmetry, to develop its latent glories, to prove its power for developing a fair humanity. The Master already is at the door!
In the cultivation of a taste for music, flowers, and home ornamentation, for art and poetry, for female purity and spiritual grace, we find the means of a right development. These are the messengers of the beautiful, and by their guidance we approach the true shrine.
It is one of the most cheering signs of our civilization, that a taste for music and art is fast spreading among all classes of the American people. Pictures and books are now found in houses where, a few years since, they were utter strangers, and their introduction has caused such a delightful change! That once hard repulsive room is now pleasant, and grace sits at the door. What has wrought the change. A picture or two on the walls, a carpet on the bare floor, a fine book upon the table—these are the secret of the new order which reigns there. And as the taste for these things expands, there will be still more beauty around that house. Vines will creep over the door, the yard will be turned into form and shape, apiano will enter over the door-sill, and "send its wild echoes flying" through all the rooms to make hearts beat with new emotions. Then must follow that intelligence which has the truest appreciation of life, which sees something else in existence than the mere necessities of subsistence, which finds in nature a language before dead, or unmeaning.
A young man should lend himself to think and talk of art, of music, etc., etc.; should visit picture galleries and libraries; should attend good lectures and good concerts, and thus to acquire a taste for such recreation, to fill his mind with good thoughts, and to start in his soul noble aspirations. He who pursues this course, and leaves to others the bar-room, the billiard-room, the race-course, the club-room, is as sure of a high reward, as that intellect and virtue are above mere physical enjoyment and grossness.
Without doubt, the worst enemy of the young man is the drinking and smoking saloon. While we make no pretensions to total abstinence in the use of spirits, we still believe, from a long experience and close observation, that a bar-room resort is that fatal "first step," which starts the career of dissipation, debauchery, and crime. The associations one meets there, the whole moral atmosphere and presence, are deadening to right principles, destructive of right impressions. Beware of them, O young man, is the earnest admonition we have to give to him who peruses this little chapter.
A good antidote to the bad habit of frequenting these too-common places of resort, is to seek the society of intelligent, virtuous females; to go out with them, to sing with them, read with them, talk with them. A true woman's influence is ennobling, and she truly is the director of our race, if we but allow her her real rights to our devotion and our trust.
The very delightful recreation and exercise of riding on horseback is too little partaken of in these days of fast locomotion. This is to be regretted, for nothing is better calculated to develop the physical health and animal spirits, nothing is more conducive to pleasure of a rational character, than the ride on horseback upon every pleasant day.
The etiquette of such occasions is simple enough. The lady should have the left, that the skirt may be outside and not interfered with. The gentleman should never be inadvanceof the lady, but always a little in the rear, yet constantly near enough for any emergency, or for a chat. The ceremony of mounting and dismounting is to be learned by practice; no etiquette can teach it. It is, of course, the gentleman's place to gallant the lady out, taking her by her left hand, as, with her right, she must support her skirt; he must assist her to mount by holding the stirrup for her foot, and by disposing of her skirt after she is seated.
The dress of the lady, upon such occasions, is not well understood, by most of our ladies. The English women ride very much, both alone and accompanied, on horseback; sometimes even participating in the exciting and daring race of the hunt. Their dress is the result of four hundred years of experiment and experience, and we therefore quote the following from a late work on the subject, recently published in London:—
"Few ladies know how to dress for horse exercise, although there has been a great improvement, so far as taste has been concerned, of late years. As to the head-dress, it may be whatever is in fashion, provided it fits the head so as not to require continual adjustment,often needed when the hands would be better employed with the reins and whip. It should shade from the sun, and, if used in hunting, protect the nape of the neck from rain. The recent fashions of wearing the plumes or feathers of the ostrich, the cock, the capercailzie, the pheasant, the peacock, and kingfisher, in the riding-hats of young ladies, in my humble opinion, are highly to be commended. As to the riding habit, it may be of any color or material, suitable to the wearer and season of the year, but the sleeves must fit rather closely; nothing can be more out of place, inconvenient, and ridiculous, than the wide hanging sleeves which look so well in a drawing-room. For country use, the skirt of the habit may be short, and bordered at the bottom a foot deep with leather. The fashion of a waistcoat of light material for summer, revived from the fashion of last century, is a decided improvement; and so is the over-jacket of cloth or seal-skin for rough weather. It is the duty of every woman to dress in as becoming and attractive a manner as possible; there is no reason why pretty young girls should not indulge in picturesque riding-costume, so long as it is appropriate. Many ladies entirely spoil the 'set' of their dress skirts, by retaining the usualimpedimentaof petticoats. The best horsewomen wear nothing more than a flannel chemise, with long, colored sleeves. Ladies trowsers should be of the same material and color as the habit; and, if full, flowing like a Turk's, and fastened with an elastic band round the ankle, they will not be distinguished from the skirt. In this costume, which may be made amply warm by the folds of the trowsers, plaited like a Highlander's kilt (fastened with an elastic band at the waist), a lady can sit down in a manner impossible for one encumbered by twoor three short petticoats. It is the chest and back that require double folds of protection during and after stormy exercise. There is a prejudice against ladies wearing long Wellington boots, but it is quite absurd, for they need never be seen, and are a great comfort and protection in riding long distances, when worn with trowsers tucked inside. They should, for obvious reasons, be large enough for warm woolen stockings, and easy to get on and off. It would not look well to see a lady struggling out of a pair of wet boots, with the help of a bootjack and a couple of chambermaids. The heels of riding-boots, whether for ladies or gentlemen, should be low, but long to keep the stirrup in its place."
As we have said, alltruepoliteness is founded in kindness and unselfishness. Nowhere is there a better chance for its better display than in the family circle. Here we may be certain that it springs from genuine goodness, as there is nothing to be gained by its practice, except the reward which comes from all well-doing. We may say that in no place is there so muchneedof its exercise, in order to keep the wheels of life running smoothly; for "family jars," as they are laughingly called, are very apt to occur, unless the oil of kindness is used to subdue the friction. Children should always show their parents that respect and tenderness which istheir due. Even where they may consider that they have been unjustly dealt with, it is well for them to remember their own inexperience, that, possibly, their judgment may not be as perfect as they now believe it to be; and that, at all events, the love and care bestowed upon them, in thehelpless days of their childhood, entitle their parents to regard and consideration.
For children to place their parents in a ridiculous light before others, mocking their defects, or appearing too conscious of their old-fashioned manners, is only a proof of their own weakness, and will lessen them in the esteem of any amiable person.
For children to assume the most comfortable chairs, the most conspicuous places, or, in any way, to intrude themselves first, to the neglect of then parents, is a very grave fault.
It is desirable to take the first step in the courtesies of the day, which engender so much pleasant feeling, by meeting the different members of the family with a cheerful "Good-morning."
It is highly desirable that, at table, the same rules of precedence, the same moderation and nicety be observed which would be practiced if guests were present. Fixedhabitsof politeness will only be attained where they are cultivatedat home.
No scrambling, haste, untidiness, or noise should be allowed among the younger members of the circle. They should be made to wait quietly until their elders are served, to eat without unseemly greediness, and drink without labored breathing or spasmodic sounds. If early trained to propriety, it will not be necessary to banish them from the table every time that company is present. Such banishment will tend to make them awkward and lacking in self-possession; though, of course, well-governed children will wait cheerfully when there is necessity for it.
A pleasant "thank you," or "I'm obliged to you," spoken by one sister to another, to a brother, or a mother, for a favor conferred, will last, even in a selfish point of view; for it will increase thedispositionto be kind, and will lighten the burden of any little service unmistakably. Children should never press around a visitor with the question, "How long are you going to stay?" nor around a relative or parent, returned from an absence, with, "What have you brought me?" "Did you bring me any thing pretty?" If they have reason to expect a present, let them refrain from alluding to it, lest the friend should suspect they thought more of the gift than of welcoming the giver.
If a new member enters the family, as the bride of a brother, or the husband of a sister, true good-breeding can never appear to better advantage, than in the kind reception and treatment of the new-comer. Ideas and habits in such an one, differing from those of the circle into which he or she may have come, should not be too severely criticised; for, it should be remembered, they have probably been differently educated. Even faults should be as charitably viewed as possible; and where respect and love are impossible, it is still best for those whomustdwell together, to exercise Christian forbearance, and not forget such courtesies as the case admits of.
If you have invited guests, forget your own pleasure in consulting theirs; never do or say a rude thing to a guest. Many a jest, sarcasm, inattention, or slight, which would be excusable anywhere else, becomes a rudeness if it happens under your own roof to a person calling upon or visiting you. Even in a friendly argument, be careful not to forget yourself, and take sides too warmlyagainstyour opponent, if he be also your visitor or guest.
If you have extended a special invitation to a friend at a distance to come and remain with you for a time, if the friend be a lady, and arrives by anypublic conveyance, have yourself, your carriage, or some messenger at the spot of arrival to conduct her to your residence. The house should be in good order, that she may not feel disconcerted, nor that she is an intruder. Have all things prepared to give her a cheerful welcome. Let her not suffer from the neglect to provide for her comfort those things which she would not like to be compelled to ask for. Her room should be well supplied with the means of bathing and refreshing herself, and for arranging her toilet. The bureau should have empty drawers for the accommodation of her muslins, and the closet empty pegs for the reception of her dresses. She should be consulted as to thekindof bed she prefers, and allowed to retire early, the first evening, if fatigued with her journey. As some people are in the habit of sleeping under more covering than others, there should be a certainty of plenty, especially if the weather be chilly or changeable.
She should be made to feelwelcome, and be honored by such civilities as will please her. If she is fond of company, and expects to be introduced to your circle of friends, you should apprise your friends in advance of her visit, that they may call upon her after her arrival.
The table should be neat and furnished with suitable dishes. Of course, your means and habits, will influence the amount of expense and trouble you can afford to go to; what we mean is, that a guest should not be left to feel neglected or uncared for. We have said "lady," in speaking of the visitor; but the same rules will be observed toward guests of the other sex; only they are not usually so much in the house, do not absorb so much of your time, nor require so much company. The gentleman of the house will see thathis friend is amused and cared for when out with him during those hours not usually spent at home.
Do not allow your children to be troublesome to visitors; to climb upon them, soil their dresses with their fingers, handle their jewelry and ornaments, ask annoying questions, nor intrude themselves into their private apartments at unseasonable hours; nor ever, without first knocking and waiting to be bidden to come in. Do not, yourself, intrude without knocking; nor allow your servants to do so.
To permit children to ask visitors for money, or for articles in their possession, which the children may admire, is extremely out of place.
To permit children to follow company about, never giving them a moment of retirement, standing by while they make their toilet, and at all times and seasons, is not only annoying, but is vulgar.
If you have invited a friend or friends to tea, have every thing in readiness by the earliest hour at which they may be expected. Do not let them find fires just lighted, yourself not dressed, nor other evidences that they have arrived too soon.
Usually guests—especially ladies—will desire to lay aside their outer garments in some dressing-room, where they can give a glance at their hair, or arrange their dress, before being ushered into the parlor. If you have asked a gentleman friend, whom you knew has just come from his place of business, give him an opportunity of bathing his face and hands, and brushing his hair.
There are many little attentions to the entertainment and comfort of others which will not be wanting where the will is good and the heart sincere.Try to make all feel at ease and happy in your house.
While every attention is counseled to be shown toguests, let it not be supposed thatshowandseeming, to "keep up appearances" before others, is what is sought.
The inmates of the same house should endeavor to be agreeable to one another. No outside admiration can compensate for the want of love and respect at home. Gross neglect of attire, unseemly morning apparel, uncombed hair, and total neglect of those little arts and charms which make the female portion of the household so much more lovable, are inexcusable. We should bear in mind that the love of friends is worth more than the flattery of strangers. Only absolute ill-health, or great stress of employment, can excuse slovenly appearances atanyhour of the day, in any member of the family.
The table shouldalwaysbe laid with a certain degree of care. Dishes should not be huddled on, nor dirty table-linen allowed, because there is no company to criticise. This will be one of thesurest testsof the refinement of a family.
The birthdays of the different members should be honored with good wishes; and gifts, however trifling, if affectionately given, help to keep up that kindly feeling which is the life of the social circle.
It is well to have a few feast-days in the course of the year. Life was not made entirely for labor; and an occasional holiday is a bright spot for children to look back to when they are no longer children. This is onlya hint—we would not assert it to be "etiquette."
While children should honor their parents, parents should never seek to humiliate or degrade their children. It is bad policy to assert to a child, "You were always bad," "There is no good in you," "You are a liar," or, "You have disgraced yourself beyondforgiveness." Teach your children to respectyourmoderation, if you wish them to governtheirpassions. Teach them to respect themselves, if you wish them to possess any manliness or sense of honor.
Neverscold. Administer reproof in a calm manner; it will be much more effective, while it will not fail to preserve the respect of your servants and children much more successfully and satisfactorily than the harsher course.
If visitors call when it is impossible or very inconvenient for you to see them, do not be afraid to send word that you are engaged. They have no right to be offended. Better far to tell the truth than to send the false and silly message, that you are "not at home."
In inviting persons to an evening party, the form is: "Mrs. E. would be pleased to see Mr. and Mrs. D. at her house, on Thursday evening;" or, "Mrs. E.'s compliments to Mr. and Mrs. D., for Thursday evening;" or, "Mrs. E. at home on Thursday evening;" addressing the envelope to Mr. and Mrs. D.
If to a dinner-party, the form is much the same, only the hour is added, thus: "Mrs. E. at home Thursday evening. Dinner at six o'clock." In case the hour is named, the guest commits a great discourtesy in not being on hand at that hour precisely.
If a dance is proposed, it is proper to word the invitation, so as to inform the invited of the fact, thus: "Mrs. E.'s compliments for Thursday evening, to music and dancing;" or, "Mrs. E. will be pleased to see her friends, Thursday, at 8P. M., to a dance."
When it is a public ball, or a stated soiree, the form of invitation is more formal: "Your company is solicited to a ball (or soiree, or party dansante), to begiven at the Metropolitan Rooms, on the evening of Thursday, Dec. 10th, 1860." Then follow the names of the managing committee. This invitation should always be sent at least one week beforehand, in order to give ladies time to prepare their dresses.
If it is impossible from sickness, or otherwise, to accept an invitation to a private party, an excuse, or declination, should invariably be sent in on theday priorto the party, that the lady of the house may be advised as to who is coming and who is not. This is a rule too little observed, but a really necessary one, to be made the study of all to practice. For a gentleman not to attend a party, after having received an invitation, and to send in no excuse for absence, is to be construed into a designed "cut," or as an evidence of ignorance. In many cases—particularly in cities—the rule is to send in notes of acceptance of invitation; but this is a superfluous ceremony, when it is understood that silence gives consent. The form of a declination of invitation is: "Mr. and Mrs. D. regret their inability to attend upon Mrs. E.'s invitation for Thursday evening." Or, when a good excuse is desirable, say: "Mr. and Mrs. D. greatly regret that sickness (or other and prior engagements) will prevent their acceptance of Mrs. E.'s kind invitation for Thursday evening."
In all cases of invitations or declinations, the date of writing should be placed on the left hand, below.
A plain, satin surfaced note paper, should be used, and the note should be inclosed in an envelope prepared for note paper, and be directed simply: "Mr. and Mrs. D.—Present;" and if sons and daughters are invited out of the same household, separate invitations should be sent to each. If a person is worth inviting at all, it is but proper that awhole noteshouldbe inclosed. In case of husband and wife, as the law pronounces them "one," a single note will serve for both.
For visiting cards, the custom changes often. Sometimes it is a glazed card, sometimes not; sometimes a large one, sometimes a small one; sometimes with silvered edges, sometimes with golden border; sometimes with printed inscription, sometimes engraved, sometimes written in pencil. Any person designing to get up a set of visiting or wedding cards, should consult a good engraver; or, if no such person is near, should obtain from some friend, "just from the Metropolis," the "style." The usual form for visiting cards, is simply the name, no address being, given, as that belongs to business. For wedding cards, the style now in vogue is two cards in one envelop, one inscribed with the lady's maiden name, the other with the name of husband and wife, thus: "Mr. and Mrs. John Dean." If these are sent out before the wedding, and are designed as invitations to the ceremony, there is added to the last-named card the words: "At home, Thursday morning, at ten o'clock;" or, as the case may be, in the evening; or, if at church, say: "At St. John's Church, at 10A. M., Thursday."
Letters of introduction have before been referred to. They should say: "The bearer, Mr. Horatio Green, is solicitous of your acquaintance (or friendship, or advice, or good offices, as the case may be), and I take pleasure in commending him to your favorable attention." In the envelope, along with the introductory note, should be the card of the person introduced.
Neither letters of introduction, nor cards of invitation, should be sealed, except they must be transmitted by mail, in which case reinclose the whole in another envelope for the mail.