The Project Gutenberg eBook ofBill the MinderThis ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online atwww.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook.Title: Bill the MinderAuthor: W. Heath RobinsonRelease date: August 29, 2010 [eBook #33570]Language: EnglishCredits: Produced by Simon Gardner, Chris Curnow and the OnlineDistributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (Thisfile was produced from images generously made availableby The Internet Archive)*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BILL THE MINDER ***
This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online atwww.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook.
Title: Bill the MinderAuthor: W. Heath RobinsonRelease date: August 29, 2010 [eBook #33570]Language: EnglishCredits: Produced by Simon Gardner, Chris Curnow and the OnlineDistributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (Thisfile was produced from images generously made availableby The Internet Archive)
Title: Bill the Minder
Author: W. Heath Robinson
Author: W. Heath Robinson
Release date: August 29, 2010 [eBook #33570]
Language: English
Credits: Produced by Simon Gardner, Chris Curnow and the OnlineDistributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (Thisfile was produced from images generously made availableby The Internet Archive)
*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BILL THE MINDER ***
Transcriber's NotesWhere changes have been made to the text these are listedat the end of the book.Illustrations have been repositioned only when they interrupted paragraphs in the original. The list of illustrations has retained the original page references.Table of Contents.List of Illustrations.
Transcriber's Notes
Where changes have been made to the text these are listedat the end of the book.
Illustrations have been repositioned only when they interrupted paragraphs in the original. The list of illustrations has retained the original page references.
Table of Contents.
List of Illustrations.
Written and illustrated by
W·HEATH ROBINSON
NEW YORKHENRY HOLT & CO·1912
Edinburgh: T. and A.Constable, Printers to His Majesty
TOTHE GOOD CHILDREN OF CHLOE AND CRISPIN THE GATHERER OF MUSHROOMS—CHAD, HANNIBAL, QUENTIN, RANDALL, NOAH, RATCHETT, NERO, BIDDULPH, KNUT, AND THE TRULY VIRTUOUS AND BEAUTIFUL BOADICEA, THIS BOOK IS MOST HUMBLY AND RESPECTFULLY DEDICATED BY THE FAITHFUL NARRATOR OF THEIR EVER-WONDERFUL ADVENTURES.
PAGEBILL THE MINDER1THE KING OF TROY15THE ANCIENT MARINER33THE TRIPLETS51GOOD AUNT GALLADIA65THE DOCTOR79THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN97THE SICILIAN CHAR-WOMAN115THE INTERVAL133THE REAL SOLDIER147THE WILD MAN165THE MUSICIAN183THE LOST GROCER199THE MERCHANT'S WIFE213THE CAMP-FOLLOWERS227THE SIEGE OF TROY241THE END255
COLOURED PLATESFRONTISPIECETHE KING OF TROY COMPELLED TO ASK HIS WAYTo face page30THE SPORT OF EVERY MER-KID"48HE WAS ALWAYS AT HAND"58I FELL FROM MY POSITION"72THE LORD MAYOR HELD A LONG COUNCIL"88THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN"110BASIL HERBERT DEVELOPS A CHILBLAIN"122AND LEFT HIM TO HAVE HIS CRY OUT"140REGINALD COMPLETELY LOST HIS TEMPER"156HARMLESS INDEED WERE OUR JOYS"168AND PLAYED IT FOR MY DELIGHT"190FOLLOWED HIM AT THE GREATEST SPEED"208BRINGING WITH THEM A LITTLE OLD MAN"216THEY CAME UPON A GREAT STONE SPHINX"230CLOSELY OBSERVED FROM THE WATCH TOWERS"244
PAGEBILL THE MINDERTITLE-PAGE1HEADPIECE2HIS HOWLS BECAME TERRIFIC7ALWAYS INVENTING NEW WAYS OF MINDING10YOUNG TOOTH-CUTTERS FORGOT THEIR TROUBLES11THE ONLY MINDER OF THE DISTRICT13TAILPIECE14THE KING OF TROYTITLE-PAGE15HEADPIECE16HE CLIMBED THE RICK18HE COMMENCED HIS TALE21WHAT A TIME WE HAD26TAILPIECE31VIGNETTE32THE ANCIENT MARINERTITLE-PAGE33HEADPIECE34I SIGN ON AS CABIN BOY39I WENT ON WITH MY SANDWICHES42FOR YEARS WE SAILED47TAILPIECE49VIGNETTE50THE TRIPLETSTITLE-PAGE51HEADPIECE52ENDEAVOURING TO COMFORT THE OLD MAN55WE GREW UP IN COMPARATIVE HAPPINESS58THE TRIPLETS ACCOMPANY THE ARMY63TAILPIECE64GOOD AUNT GALLADIATITLE-PAGE65HEADPIECE66I JUST MANAGED TO REACH THE EGGS71I ANGLE THE AIR72I ERECTED MY POLE ON THE SAND73ITS OLD STATELY SELF AGAIN75THE DOCTORTITLE-PAGE79HEADPIECE80FAR SOONER HAVE THE MUMPS83THE PUFF BAKER87TREATED WITH DELICIOUS JALAPS88AS SOME PATIENT PREPARED HIS DOSE89THE VERY SPARROWS GREW THIN91POSTCARD94POSTCARD95TAILPIECE96THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMANTITLE-PAGE97HEADPIECE98BOWING POLITELY TO THE PILLAR-BOXES103THE CHURCH STEEPLE HAD BEEN REMOVED104STANDING ALONE UPON THE WALL106DANGLING BY HIS LEGS109TAILPIECE113VIGNETTE114THE SICILIAN CHAR-WOMANTITLE-PAGE115HEADPIECE116I TOOK LEAVE OF MY SORROWING FATHER120HARDLY DISGUISING HIS EFFORTS TO IGNORE ME121THEY WERE COMPELLED TO SEND FOR A PHYSICIAN125THE IMPROVEMENT WAS MAINTAINED129DISCOVERED A CLOVE KERNEL130VIGNETTE132THE INTERVALTITLE-PAGE133HEADPIECE134I FELL ON TO THE PARSNIP137THEY ALL ONCE MORE STARTED138ON THEIR ADVENTUROUS JOURNEY139THE WHOLE CAMP WAS FAST ASLEEP142TAILPIECE145VIGNETTE146THE REAL SOLDIERTITLE-PAGE147HEADPIECE148THE REAL SOLDIER153'BUT HOLD!' CRIED THE PRESIDENT156'YOUR FATE BE UPON YOUR OWN HEAD'157FLOUNDERING ABOUT IN THE SEA159IN EXPECTATION OF THEIR LEADER161TAILPIECE163VIGNETTE164THE WILD MANTITLE-PAGE165HEADPIECE166I PLEADED MY CASE169AND KILLED IT ON THE SPOT173WE COOKED ONE GREAT STEAK177TAILPIECE181VIGNETTE182THE MUSICIANTITLE-PAGE183HEADPIECE184SHE NOW MADE OFF TO THE WOODS189HE WOULD CLIMB TO THE TOPMOST BRANCHES190SWEEPING THE DEAD LEAVES195WITH NO OTHER WEALTH THAN MY CONCERTINA197TAILPIECE198THE LOST GROCERTITLE-PAGE199HEADPIECE200AFFECTED BY HIS STORY205PLUMP INTO THE RIVER WE WENT206THERE GREW IN FRONT OF ME A GREAT MOUND209SNEEZING AND SNEEZING211THE MERCHANT'S WIFETITLE-PAGE213HEADPIECE214MOPING ABOUT THE COMMON219KEPT HIM OUT OF MISCHIEF223GLORIOUS TARTS AND SWEETS224IT DIDN'T MATTER HOW MUCH YOU ATE225TAILPIECE226THE CAMP-FOLLOWERSTITLE-PAGE227HEADPIECE228THE HEADS SERVED FOR DOLLS233YOU ARE NOW OUR ONLY HOPE234I FISHED AND FISHED AND FISHED237TAILPIECE239VIGNETTE240THE SIEGE OF TROYTITLE-PAGE241HEADPIECE242PLAN OF SIEGE245THESE PARCELS WERE NOW LABELLED248AND PACKED HIM OFF TO PERSIA251TROY BECAME THE HAPPIEST TOWN253THE ENDVIGNETTE256
[Knight on hobby horse]
Old Crispin, the mushroom gatherer, and his good wife Chloe had ten children, and nine of them were bad-tempered. There was Chad, the youngest and most bad-tempered of the lot, Hannibal and Quentin the twins, Randall with the red head, Noah, Ratchett the short-sighted, Nero the worrit, weeping Biddulph and Knut. The only good-tempered child was a little girl named Boadicea.
It is well known that a boy usually takes after his father, and a girl after her mother, and these children were no exception to the rule, for the boysall resembled old Crispin, whose temper had been rather tried, poor man, by the early hours at which he had to rise, in order to gather the mushrooms when they were quite new and young. On the other hand, Boadicea could only have inherited her good-temper from Chloe, who without doubt was the most good-tempered dame alive.
Now it is quite true that any one who cares to rise early enough in the morning may gather mushrooms, and plenty of them, too, but those who do so only now and again, and merely for amusement, little know the hard life of the professional gatherer, or the skill and judgment he has to cultivate in order to carry on his work with any success.
In the course of time Crispin became so well skilled that he could not only tell a mushroom from a toadstool at the distance of two hundred yards, but his hearing became so acute that he could even hear them growing, and learnt to distinguish the sound of each as it broke through the earth. Indeed, he had no need for any alarm to wake him from his heavy slumbers and call him to his work in the fields. However cautiously a mushroom made its appearance, at its first rumble, old Crispin would jump from his hard bed, hastily dress himself, and, often without tasting a morsel of breakfast, be out of the house and on to the field in time to see the newcomer pop its head through the earth. This he would pick, and then he would hop about with his head on one sidelistening for others like some old starling listening for worms, at the same time mewing like a cat to frighten away the birds that prey on the mushrooms. He was then able to fill his basket with the very freshest crop and take them round to people's houses in time for breakfast.
With such anxious work it will be readily understood that few mushroom gatherers can remain in the best of health for many years, and it so happened that in time the anxieties connected with the gathering of mushrooms began to affect old Crispin, so that he fell ill and completely lost his appetite. Chloe called in the doctor, but the latter at first could do nothing for him. He painted Crispin's chest and then his back with iodine; he rubbed him well with the roots of sarsaparilla; he made him sleep first on his right side, then on his left, and finally covered him in brown paper plasters and dock-leaf poultices and sent him to the sea-side with strict injunctions to take to sea-bathing, running, and aeroplaning, but it was all of no avail.
With the assistance of Boadicea, Chloe now tried to tempt her husband with every known and unknown dish, and when these failed, like a good wife, she invented others. She made trifles of vegetable marrow, tartlets of hen feathers to soothe the nerves, salads of spinach and carraway comfits, delicacies composed of porridge and mint, and the most luscious stews of pine-cones and lard. She then tried him with evenlighter dishes, but it was no good. He became thinner and thinner every day, and his temper was growing shorter and shorter, when at last, to her great joy, she succeeded in making a jelly that really seemed to take his fancy.
At first there was little or no sign of improvement, yet he ate a very small portion of the jelly every day, and with this the anxious wife and daughter had to be contented for some time. He had remained in this state for weeks when Chloe resolved slightly to increase his portion. Finding that this did not disagree with him, but that, instead, he became a little stouter and a little better every day, she continued gradually giving him more and more.
At last she discovered that the more Crispin ate of this jelly, the greater his appetite became. In fact, if the truth be told, the old gentleman became in time not only quite well and very stout but also somewhat greedy. At all events, Chloe found that instead of being able to devote more time to her children, after restoring her husband's appetite, she had to give up more and more time to cooking. Crispin now spent the whole day in eating, and things went from bad to very bad, and from very bad to worse. Boadicea assisted her mother to the utmost, yet Chloe, worked almost to death, was at length compelled to look out for a minder, in order that her children might not be entirely neglected.
Many minders from all parts applied for employment,and, as a test of their skill, she set them the task of cheering the unfortunate Chad, who was cutting all his double teeth at the same time. Some tried to cheer him by singing to him, some by dancing to him; one even hoped to gladden the boy by jumping over him backwards and with a pleasant smile dropping on the grass in front of him. Again, some thought to distract him by running swiftly with him several times round the well, which only made him very ill. Another energetic young minder stood on his head in front of the child for at least ten minutes, which, instead of cheering the lad, nearly frightened him to death. One minder, more experienced than the rest, tried to make him forget his ache by giving him other aches to think of with the aid of a slipper, which he maintained he had succeeded in doing. However, he was not elected, for, try as they would, no one could discover for which ache the child was crying.
Many methods were tried, but none with even the smallest success; in fact, the competition greatly increased the child's discomfort. His howls became terrific, and so heartrending that, as a last resource, Chloe sent for her nephew Bill, who cleaned the boots. Now no one had suspected Bill of having the makings of a good minder in him, but it happened that he knew Chad's little ways, and so, to everybody's surprise and relief, he easily succeeded in keeping him quiet until all the double teeth had been cut. Thereupon he was at once elected Minder to the family.
HIS HOWLS BECAME TERRIFIC
Bill soon proved that he was no ordinary minder. Having once started on his new work, he took his profession very seriously. He read all the books that had ever been written upon the subject, which were to be found in the library of the British Museum. He talked about it with the most knowing professors of the subject, and he was as well known in the Minding Room of the Patent Museum at South Kensington as in his father's house. And it is even said that he once contrived to be shut in all night by hiding behind a case of red coral rattles when the policeman came round at dusk to shut and lock the doors.
Moreover, as you can see for yourselves in thepictures, he was always inventing new ways of minding his charges. So expert did he become in time that he was never at a loss with the most fractious, and easily surpassing all rivals, he became the most perfect minder of the district.
Bill's fame spread to the most distant towns, and worrited mothers for miles around flocked to him with their children. He was most successful in distracting the vaccinated, and under his care young tooth-cutters soon forgot their troubles. Even the pangs of indigestion were allayed and the fretfulness of the sleepless lulled to rest by the charm of his ways. Short tempers were lengthened, and terrified midnight wakers were taught to realise how ridiculous were their fears. Screechers ceased to screech, and grizzlers to grizzle, while weepers and howlers reformed their habits and learnt to chuckle throughout the day.
If any one could mind, Bill could!
But life was not all condensed milk and honey to Bill. Like all good minders and men, he had the bad fortune to arouse the jealousy of rivals. The unvarying success which met his clever treatment of the most difficult cases, instead of arousing the admiration of his brother minders, as one would have expected, and making them eager to imitate him, only had the effect of making them very cross and jealous. Some, indeed, became so wild that they had to be minded themselves, while others neglected their charges and wandered about the country in a dreadful state of grumpiness,biting their nails to the quick, and tearing their hair or anything else they could get hold of.
The time now arrived for the great annual Minding Tournament, held by the Duke to celebrate his birthday, to which every one had been looking forward all through the year. Few people have ever been so delighted over being born as was the Duke, and this was how he most liked to show his joy and thankfulness. The prizes and cups were usually subscribed for by the mothers and fathers, but this year was a very special occasion, for the Duke, having arrived at the age of sixty, had decided to present a gold-mounted feeding-bottle to be competed for during the tournament.
Everybody was there; the Duke and his Duchess with a handsome bouquet of marigolds and groundsel, presented by the wives of the policemen; the Duchess's cousin, the chatty old Viscount, and his sweet young wife; the stout old Marquis who (as every lady knows) is also admiral of the Regent's Canal, and his six old-maid daughters, who all arrived in bath chairs. The general was there, as a matter of course, with all his medals beautifully polished, and his pockets full of Pontefract cakes and peardrops to throw to the children. At least twelve bishops were present, besides the vicar and his eight kind curates, who made themselves extremely pleasant to every one.
All the mothers and fathers of the neighbourhood were present, and minders were continually arrivingto compete for the prizes. There were at least one hundred policemen to keep order, and the music was provided by the band of the militia, lent for this occasion by the kind-hearted general. Each member of the band performed on a separate harmonium borrowed from the vicar. Refreshments also could be had by every one who could prove that he or she was hungry.
ALWAYS INVENTING NEW WAYS OF MINDING
The first event was the egg-and-spoon race, which was decided in the following way. A well-pinched baby and a glass of milk were placed at the end of the course, and each competitor had to run to them balancing a new-laid egg on a spoon; when he had reached them, he had to beat up the egg in the glass of milk and pacify the child with the beverage. The competitor who did it in the shortest time won the prize.
Some murmurings were heard when it was announced that Bill had won by two-and-a-half minutes,but these were soon drowned by the cheers of the crowd and the music of the harmoniums.