SLICKENSDRAMATIS PERSONF.HAYSEEDa GrangerNOZZLEa MinerRINGDIVVYa StatesmanFEEGOBBLEa LawyerJUNKETa CommitteeScene—Yuba Dam.Feegobble, Ringdivvy, Nozzle.NOZZLE:My friends, since '51 I have pursuedThe evil tenor of my watery way,Removing hills as by an act of faith—RINGDIVVY:Just so; the steadfast faith of those who hold,In foreign lands beyond the Eastern sea,The shares in your concern—a simple, blind,Unreasoning belief in dividends,Still stimulated by assessments which,When the skies fall, ensnaring all the larks,Will bring, no doubt, a very great return.ALL (singing):O the beautiful assessment,The exquisite assessment,The regular assessment,That makes the water flow.RINGDIVVY:The rascally-assessment!FEEGOBBLE:The murderous assessment!NOZZLE:The glorious assessmentThat makes my mare to go!FEEGOBBLE:But, Nozzle, you, I think, were on the pointOf making a remark about some rights—Some certain vested rights you have acquiredBy long immunity; for still the lawHolds that if one do evil undisturbedHis right to do so ripens with the years;And one may be a villain long enoughTo make himself an honest gentleman.ALL (singing):Hail, holy law,The soul with aweBows to thy dispensation.NOZZLE:It breaks my jaw!RINGDIVVY:It qualms my maw!FEEGOBBLE:It feeds my jaw,It crams my maw,It is my soul's salvation!NOZZLE:Why, yes, I've floated mountains to the seaFor lo! these many years; though some, they say,Do strand themselves along the bottom landsAnd cover up a village here and there,And here and there a ranch. 'Tis said, indeed,The granger with his female and his youngDo not infrequently go to the dickensBy premature burial in slickens.ALL (singing):Could slickens foreverChoke up the river,And slime's endeavorBe tried on grain,How small the measureOf granger's treasure,How keen his pain!RINGDIVVY:"A consummation devoutly to be wished!"These rascal grangers would long since have beenSubmerged in slimes, to the last man of them,But for the fact that all their wicked tribesAffect our legislation with their bribes.ALL (singing):O bribery's great—'Tis a pillar of State,And the people they are free.FEEGOBBLE:It smashes my slate!NOZZLE:It is thievery straight!RINGDIVVY:But it's been the making of me!NOZZLE:I judge by certain shrewd sensations hereIn these callosities I call my thumbs—thrilling sense as of ten thousand pins,Red-hot and penetrant, transpiercing allThe cuticle and tickling through the nerves—That some malign and awful thing draws near.(Enter Hayseed.)Good Lord! here are the ghosts and spooks of allThe grangers I have decently interred,Rolled into one!FEEGOBBLE:Plead, phantom.RINGDIVVY:You've the floor.HAYSEED:From the margin of the river(Bitter Creek, they sometimes call it)Where I cherished once the pumpkin,And the summer squash promoted,Harvested the sweet potato,Dallied with the fatal melonAnd subdued the fierce cucumber,I've been driven by the slickens,Driven by the slimes and tailings!All my family—my PollyAnn and all my sons and daughters,Dog and baby both included—All were swamped in seas of slickens,Buried fifty fathoms under,Where they lie, prepared to play theirGentle prank on geologicGents that shall exhume them later,In the dim and distant future,Taking them for melancholyRelics antedating Adam.I alone got up and dusted.NOZZLE:Avaunt! you horrid and infernal cuss!What dire distress have you prepared for us?RINGDIVVY:Were I a buzzard stooping from the skyMy craw with filth to fill,Into your honorable body IWould introduce a bill.FEEGOBBLE:Defendant, hence, or, by the gods, I'll brain thee!—Unless you saved some turneps to retain me.HAYSEED:As I was saying, I got up and dusted,My ranch a graveyard and my business busted!But hearing that a fellow from the City,Who calls himself a Citizens' Committee,Was coming up to play the very dickens,With those who cover up our farms with slickens,And make himself—unless I am in error—To all such miscreants a holy terror,I thought if I would join the dialogueI maybe might get payment for my dog.ALL (Singing):O the dog is the head of Creation,Prime work of the Master's hand;He hasn't a known occupation,Yet lives on the fat of the land.Adipose, indolent, sleek and orbicular,Sun-soaken, door matted, cross and particular,Men, women, children, all coddle and wait on him,Then, accidentally shutting the gate on him,Miss from their calves, ever after, the rifted outMouthful of tendons that doggy has lifted out!(Enter Junket.)JUNKET:Well met, my hearties! I must trouble youJointly and severally to provideA comfortable carriage, with relaysOf hardy horses. This Committee meansTo move in state about the country here.I shall expect at every place I stopGood beds, of course, and everything that's nice,With bountiful repast of meat and wine.For this Committee comes to sea and markAnd inwardly digest.HAYSEED:Digest my dog!NOZZLE:First square my claim for damages: the goldEscaping with the slickens keeps me poor!RINGDIVVY:I merely would remark that if you'd greaseMy itching palm it would more glibly glideInto the public pocket.FEEGOBBLE:Sir, the wheelsOf justice move but slowly till they're oiled.I have some certain writs and warrants here,Prepared against your advent. You recallThe tale of Zaccheus, who did climb a tree,And Jesus said: "Come down"?JUNKET:Why, bless your souls!I've got no money; I but came to seeWhat all this noisy babble is about,Make a report and file the same away.NOZZLE, RINGDIVVY, FEEGOBBLE, HAYSEED:How'll that helpus? Reports are not our styleOf provender!JUNKET:Well, you can gnaw the file.(Curtain.)"PEACEABLE EXPULSION"DRAMATIS PERSONF.MOUNTWAVEa PoliticianHARDHANDa WorkingmanTOK BAKa ChinamanSATANa Friend to MountwaveCHORUS OF FOREIGN VOTERS.MOUNTWAVE:My friend, I beg that you will lend your ears(I know 'tis asking a good deal of you)While I for your instruction nominateSome certain wrongs you suffer. Men like youImperfectly are sensible of allThe miseries they actually feel.Hence, Providence has prudently raised upClear-sighted men like me to diagnoseTheir cases and inform them where they're hurt.The wounds of honest workingmen I've madeA specialty, and probing them's my trade.HARDHAND:Well, Mister, s'pose you let yer bossest eyeCamp on my mortal part awhile; then youJes' toot my sufferin's an' tell me what'sThe fashionable caper now in writhes—The very swellest wiggle.MOUNTWAVE:Well, my lad,'Tis plain as is the long, conspicuous noseBorne, ponderous and pendulous, betweenThe elephant's remarkable eye-teeth(Enter Tok Bak.)That Chinese competition's what ailsyou.BOTH (Singing):O pig-tail Celestial,O barbarous bestial,Abominable Chinee!Simian fellow man,Primitive yellow man,Joshian devotee!Shoe-and-cigar machine,OleomargarineYou are, and butter are we—Fat of the land are we,Salt of the earth;In God's image planned to be—Noble in birth!You, on the contrary,Modeled upon veryDifferent lines indeed,Show in conspicuous,Base and ridiculousWays your inferior breed.Wretched apology,Shame of ethnology,Monster unspeakably low!Fit to be buckshotted—Be you 'steboycotted.Vanish—vamoose—mosy—Go!TOK BAK:You listen me! You beatee the big dlumAn' tell me go to Flowly Kingdom Come.You all too muchee fool. You chinnee heap.Such talkee like my washee—belly cheap!(Enter Satan.)You dlive me outee clunty towns all way;Why you no tackle me Safflisco, hay?SATAN:Methought I heard a murmuring of tonguesSound through the ceiling of the hollow earth,As if the anti-coolie ques——ha! friends,Well met. You see I keep my ancient word:Where two or three are gathered in my name,There am I in their midst.MOUNTWAVE:O monstrous thief!To quote the words of Shakespeare as your own.I know his work.HARDHAND:Who's Shakespeare?—what's his trade?I've heard about the work o' that galootTill I'm jest sick!TOK BAK:Go Sunny school—you'll knowMo' Bible. Bime by pleach—hell-talkee. Tell'Bout Abel—mebby so he live too cheap.He mebby all time dig on lanch—no dlink,No splee—no go plocession fo' make vote—No sendee money out of clunty fo'To helpee Ilishmen. Cain killum. JoshHe catchee at it, an' he belly mad—Say: "Allee Melicans boycottee Cain."Not muchee—you no pleachee that:You all same lie.MOUNTWAVE:This cuss must be expelled.(Draws pistol.)MOUNTWAVE, HARDHAND, SATAN (singing):For Chinese expulsion, hurrah!To mobbing and murder, all hail!Away with your justice and law—We'll make every pagan turn tail.CHORUS OF FOREIGN VOTERS:Bedad! oof dot tief o'ze vorld—Zat Ivan Tchanay vos got hurledIn Hella, da debil he say:"Wor be yer return pairmit, hey?"Und gry as 'e shaka da boot:"Zis haythen haf nevaire been oot!"HARDHAND:Too many cooks are working at this broth—I think, by thunder, t'will be mostly froth!I'm cussed ef I can sarvy, up to date,What good this dern fandango does the State.MOUNTWAVE:The State's advantage, sir, you may not see,But think how good it is for me.SATAN:And me.(Curtain.)
DRAMATIS PERSONF.HAYSEEDa GrangerNOZZLEa MinerRINGDIVVYa StatesmanFEEGOBBLEa LawyerJUNKETa CommitteeScene—Yuba Dam.Feegobble, Ringdivvy, Nozzle.
NOZZLE:My friends, since '51 I have pursuedThe evil tenor of my watery way,Removing hills as by an act of faith—RINGDIVVY:Just so; the steadfast faith of those who hold,In foreign lands beyond the Eastern sea,The shares in your concern—a simple, blind,Unreasoning belief in dividends,Still stimulated by assessments which,When the skies fall, ensnaring all the larks,Will bring, no doubt, a very great return.ALL (singing):O the beautiful assessment,The exquisite assessment,The regular assessment,That makes the water flow.RINGDIVVY:The rascally-assessment!FEEGOBBLE:The murderous assessment!NOZZLE:The glorious assessmentThat makes my mare to go!FEEGOBBLE:But, Nozzle, you, I think, were on the pointOf making a remark about some rights—Some certain vested rights you have acquiredBy long immunity; for still the lawHolds that if one do evil undisturbedHis right to do so ripens with the years;And one may be a villain long enoughTo make himself an honest gentleman.ALL (singing):Hail, holy law,The soul with aweBows to thy dispensation.NOZZLE:It breaks my jaw!RINGDIVVY:It qualms my maw!FEEGOBBLE:It feeds my jaw,It crams my maw,It is my soul's salvation!NOZZLE:Why, yes, I've floated mountains to the seaFor lo! these many years; though some, they say,Do strand themselves along the bottom landsAnd cover up a village here and there,And here and there a ranch. 'Tis said, indeed,The granger with his female and his youngDo not infrequently go to the dickensBy premature burial in slickens.ALL (singing):Could slickens foreverChoke up the river,And slime's endeavorBe tried on grain,How small the measureOf granger's treasure,How keen his pain!RINGDIVVY:"A consummation devoutly to be wished!"These rascal grangers would long since have beenSubmerged in slimes, to the last man of them,But for the fact that all their wicked tribesAffect our legislation with their bribes.ALL (singing):O bribery's great—'Tis a pillar of State,And the people they are free.FEEGOBBLE:It smashes my slate!NOZZLE:It is thievery straight!RINGDIVVY:But it's been the making of me!NOZZLE:I judge by certain shrewd sensations hereIn these callosities I call my thumbs—thrilling sense as of ten thousand pins,Red-hot and penetrant, transpiercing allThe cuticle and tickling through the nerves—That some malign and awful thing draws near.(Enter Hayseed.)Good Lord! here are the ghosts and spooks of allThe grangers I have decently interred,Rolled into one!FEEGOBBLE:Plead, phantom.RINGDIVVY:You've the floor.HAYSEED:From the margin of the river(Bitter Creek, they sometimes call it)Where I cherished once the pumpkin,And the summer squash promoted,Harvested the sweet potato,Dallied with the fatal melonAnd subdued the fierce cucumber,I've been driven by the slickens,Driven by the slimes and tailings!All my family—my PollyAnn and all my sons and daughters,Dog and baby both included—All were swamped in seas of slickens,Buried fifty fathoms under,Where they lie, prepared to play theirGentle prank on geologicGents that shall exhume them later,In the dim and distant future,Taking them for melancholyRelics antedating Adam.I alone got up and dusted.NOZZLE:Avaunt! you horrid and infernal cuss!What dire distress have you prepared for us?RINGDIVVY:Were I a buzzard stooping from the skyMy craw with filth to fill,Into your honorable body IWould introduce a bill.FEEGOBBLE:Defendant, hence, or, by the gods, I'll brain thee!—Unless you saved some turneps to retain me.HAYSEED:As I was saying, I got up and dusted,My ranch a graveyard and my business busted!But hearing that a fellow from the City,Who calls himself a Citizens' Committee,Was coming up to play the very dickens,With those who cover up our farms with slickens,And make himself—unless I am in error—To all such miscreants a holy terror,I thought if I would join the dialogueI maybe might get payment for my dog.ALL (Singing):O the dog is the head of Creation,Prime work of the Master's hand;He hasn't a known occupation,Yet lives on the fat of the land.Adipose, indolent, sleek and orbicular,Sun-soaken, door matted, cross and particular,Men, women, children, all coddle and wait on him,Then, accidentally shutting the gate on him,Miss from their calves, ever after, the rifted outMouthful of tendons that doggy has lifted out!(Enter Junket.)JUNKET:Well met, my hearties! I must trouble youJointly and severally to provideA comfortable carriage, with relaysOf hardy horses. This Committee meansTo move in state about the country here.I shall expect at every place I stopGood beds, of course, and everything that's nice,With bountiful repast of meat and wine.For this Committee comes to sea and markAnd inwardly digest.HAYSEED:Digest my dog!NOZZLE:First square my claim for damages: the goldEscaping with the slickens keeps me poor!RINGDIVVY:I merely would remark that if you'd greaseMy itching palm it would more glibly glideInto the public pocket.FEEGOBBLE:Sir, the wheelsOf justice move but slowly till they're oiled.I have some certain writs and warrants here,Prepared against your advent. You recallThe tale of Zaccheus, who did climb a tree,And Jesus said: "Come down"?JUNKET:Why, bless your souls!I've got no money; I but came to seeWhat all this noisy babble is about,Make a report and file the same away.NOZZLE, RINGDIVVY, FEEGOBBLE, HAYSEED:How'll that helpus? Reports are not our styleOf provender!JUNKET:Well, you can gnaw the file.(Curtain.)
"PEACEABLE EXPULSION"
DRAMATIS PERSONF.MOUNTWAVEa PoliticianHARDHANDa WorkingmanTOK BAKa ChinamanSATANa Friend to MountwaveCHORUS OF FOREIGN VOTERS.
MOUNTWAVE:My friend, I beg that you will lend your ears(I know 'tis asking a good deal of you)While I for your instruction nominateSome certain wrongs you suffer. Men like youImperfectly are sensible of allThe miseries they actually feel.Hence, Providence has prudently raised upClear-sighted men like me to diagnoseTheir cases and inform them where they're hurt.The wounds of honest workingmen I've madeA specialty, and probing them's my trade.HARDHAND:Well, Mister, s'pose you let yer bossest eyeCamp on my mortal part awhile; then youJes' toot my sufferin's an' tell me what'sThe fashionable caper now in writhes—The very swellest wiggle.MOUNTWAVE:Well, my lad,'Tis plain as is the long, conspicuous noseBorne, ponderous and pendulous, betweenThe elephant's remarkable eye-teeth(Enter Tok Bak.)That Chinese competition's what ailsyou.BOTH (Singing):O pig-tail Celestial,O barbarous bestial,Abominable Chinee!Simian fellow man,Primitive yellow man,Joshian devotee!Shoe-and-cigar machine,OleomargarineYou are, and butter are we—Fat of the land are we,Salt of the earth;In God's image planned to be—Noble in birth!You, on the contrary,Modeled upon veryDifferent lines indeed,Show in conspicuous,Base and ridiculousWays your inferior breed.Wretched apology,Shame of ethnology,Monster unspeakably low!Fit to be buckshotted—Be you 'steboycotted.Vanish—vamoose—mosy—Go!TOK BAK:You listen me! You beatee the big dlumAn' tell me go to Flowly Kingdom Come.You all too muchee fool. You chinnee heap.Such talkee like my washee—belly cheap!(Enter Satan.)You dlive me outee clunty towns all way;Why you no tackle me Safflisco, hay?SATAN:Methought I heard a murmuring of tonguesSound through the ceiling of the hollow earth,As if the anti-coolie ques——ha! friends,Well met. You see I keep my ancient word:Where two or three are gathered in my name,There am I in their midst.MOUNTWAVE:O monstrous thief!To quote the words of Shakespeare as your own.I know his work.HARDHAND:Who's Shakespeare?—what's his trade?I've heard about the work o' that galootTill I'm jest sick!TOK BAK:Go Sunny school—you'll knowMo' Bible. Bime by pleach—hell-talkee. Tell'Bout Abel—mebby so he live too cheap.He mebby all time dig on lanch—no dlink,No splee—no go plocession fo' make vote—No sendee money out of clunty fo'To helpee Ilishmen. Cain killum. JoshHe catchee at it, an' he belly mad—Say: "Allee Melicans boycottee Cain."Not muchee—you no pleachee that:You all same lie.MOUNTWAVE:This cuss must be expelled.(Draws pistol.)MOUNTWAVE, HARDHAND, SATAN (singing):For Chinese expulsion, hurrah!To mobbing and murder, all hail!Away with your justice and law—We'll make every pagan turn tail.CHORUS OF FOREIGN VOTERS:Bedad! oof dot tief o'ze vorld—Zat Ivan Tchanay vos got hurledIn Hella, da debil he say:"Wor be yer return pairmit, hey?"Und gry as 'e shaka da boot:"Zis haythen haf nevaire been oot!"HARDHAND:Too many cooks are working at this broth—I think, by thunder, t'will be mostly froth!I'm cussed ef I can sarvy, up to date,What good this dern fandango does the State.MOUNTWAVE:The State's advantage, sir, you may not see,But think how good it is for me.SATAN:And me.(Curtain.)