Lyrical and SatiricalCONDUCTED BY VERMOUTH.
Lyrical and Satirical
CONDUCTED BY VERMOUTH.
CONDUCTED BY VERMOUTH.
CONDUCTED BY VERMOUTH.
The rural paper is a peach without a single doubt,It is patent on the inside, patent medicine without;Yet it giveth information both select and wide of reachFrom a card of thanks for kindness to a double column preach;It tells about the infant at the home of Bill and wife,And it gives a thrilling storiette replete with love and strife;It says the roads are passable though slightly out of shape,An obituary notice names survivors wearing crepe;It has a bristling column full of legislative news,And when you have the cold or croup it tells you what to use;Its special news to farmers is both choice and up-to-dateAnd it recommends the tablets that will keep your liver straight;It is warmly Democratic and agin the robber class,And although it hates the railroads it will sometimes use a pass;The editor’s a pungent cuss and calls a spade a spade,And he takes subscriptions right along in any kind of trade;The paper is a weekly, but be careful how you spell,And “drop around to see us when you’ve anything to sell.”
The rural paper is a peach without a single doubt,It is patent on the inside, patent medicine without;Yet it giveth information both select and wide of reachFrom a card of thanks for kindness to a double column preach;It tells about the infant at the home of Bill and wife,And it gives a thrilling storiette replete with love and strife;It says the roads are passable though slightly out of shape,An obituary notice names survivors wearing crepe;It has a bristling column full of legislative news,And when you have the cold or croup it tells you what to use;Its special news to farmers is both choice and up-to-dateAnd it recommends the tablets that will keep your liver straight;It is warmly Democratic and agin the robber class,And although it hates the railroads it will sometimes use a pass;The editor’s a pungent cuss and calls a spade a spade,And he takes subscriptions right along in any kind of trade;The paper is a weekly, but be careful how you spell,And “drop around to see us when you’ve anything to sell.”
The rural paper is a peach without a single doubt,It is patent on the inside, patent medicine without;Yet it giveth information both select and wide of reachFrom a card of thanks for kindness to a double column preach;It tells about the infant at the home of Bill and wife,And it gives a thrilling storiette replete with love and strife;It says the roads are passable though slightly out of shape,An obituary notice names survivors wearing crepe;It has a bristling column full of legislative news,And when you have the cold or croup it tells you what to use;Its special news to farmers is both choice and up-to-dateAnd it recommends the tablets that will keep your liver straight;It is warmly Democratic and agin the robber class,And although it hates the railroads it will sometimes use a pass;The editor’s a pungent cuss and calls a spade a spade,And he takes subscriptions right along in any kind of trade;The paper is a weekly, but be careful how you spell,And “drop around to see us when you’ve anything to sell.”
The rural paper is a peach without a single doubt,
It is patent on the inside, patent medicine without;
Yet it giveth information both select and wide of reach
From a card of thanks for kindness to a double column preach;
It tells about the infant at the home of Bill and wife,
And it gives a thrilling storiette replete with love and strife;
It says the roads are passable though slightly out of shape,
An obituary notice names survivors wearing crepe;
It has a bristling column full of legislative news,
And when you have the cold or croup it tells you what to use;
Its special news to farmers is both choice and up-to-date
And it recommends the tablets that will keep your liver straight;
It is warmly Democratic and agin the robber class,
And although it hates the railroads it will sometimes use a pass;
The editor’s a pungent cuss and calls a spade a spade,
And he takes subscriptions right along in any kind of trade;
The paper is a weekly, but be careful how you spell,
And “drop around to see us when you’ve anything to sell.”
If newspaper stories relative to this strange and recently introduced Japanese science are to be credited, Munchausen is henceforth the standard Sunday school literature and the Arabian Nights prosy historical narrative.
A squad or so of New York policemen were recently compelled to rescue a Bowery mob from extinction at the hands of a burly young Jap, weighing in the neighborhood of a hundred pounds, while an American, after a few lessons, has solved the long delayed problem of the domestication of the hind leg of a mule.
These things being true—and they are conclusively backed by advertisements in magazines and insinuating approvals from the White House, whose occupant in chief now never uses more than one finger on the most strenuous opponent,—how many presumably settled social institutions are longer secure? What, for instance, of the historic traditions hovering around the revered institutions of mother-in-law and cook lady? And what of the cherished monthly anticipation of the horrific bill collector, the eleemosynary insurance agent and the sad-faced representative of a worthy charity? Consider the epochal iconoclasm involved in the passage of these time-honored social, domestic and civic pests!
On the other hand, however, reflect upon the counter possibilities of the parties enumerated becoming wise to jiu-jitsu before you! Authorities state that the initiated can strangle a victim as readily by a gentle pressure about the waist as by a strangle hold about the throat and that the lower extremities may be hopelessly disarranged by a finger gently exerted midway the spine. With casual instructionsub rosa, a man’s wife might economically elect the tender and twining embrace as an effective substitute for the divorce court, or might at pleasure convert him into a permanent invalid while affecting to innocently scratch his back.
That biblical narrative which has disturbed the faith of many of the credulously reverent, wherein the ant inquires insinuatingly of the elephant if he fully realizes the thoughtlessness of his disposition to overcrowd or shove, in this sidelight of modern criticism, receives a luminous and comforting ray of explanation and reassurance. The erring faith of many honest but superficial doubters is further bolstered by the reputed but till now little appreciated attitude of the elephant in preferring to pass the observation as facetious.
Great is jiu-jitsu but greater still the higher criticism!
Who is it that’s yearning the people to save?Lawson of Bawson.Who murders the system and then digs its grave?Lawson of Bawson.Who is it hates lyin’ and fakin’ and sich?Who can’t stand the plutocrats ’cause they are rich?Who leads simple life at a Hetty Green pitch?Lawson of Bawson.Who is it that’s sporting the sportiest vest?Lawson of Bawson.And also disporting the chestiest chest?Lawson of Bawson.And who affects sparklers of forty-horse ray?And puts up a thousand to buy a bouquet?And who’d probably talk if he’d something to say?Lawson of Bawson.
Who is it that’s yearning the people to save?Lawson of Bawson.Who murders the system and then digs its grave?Lawson of Bawson.Who is it hates lyin’ and fakin’ and sich?Who can’t stand the plutocrats ’cause they are rich?Who leads simple life at a Hetty Green pitch?Lawson of Bawson.Who is it that’s sporting the sportiest vest?Lawson of Bawson.And also disporting the chestiest chest?Lawson of Bawson.And who affects sparklers of forty-horse ray?And puts up a thousand to buy a bouquet?And who’d probably talk if he’d something to say?Lawson of Bawson.
Who is it that’s yearning the people to save?Lawson of Bawson.Who murders the system and then digs its grave?Lawson of Bawson.Who is it hates lyin’ and fakin’ and sich?Who can’t stand the plutocrats ’cause they are rich?Who leads simple life at a Hetty Green pitch?Lawson of Bawson.
Who is it that’s yearning the people to save?
Lawson of Bawson.
Who murders the system and then digs its grave?
Lawson of Bawson.
Who is it hates lyin’ and fakin’ and sich?
Who can’t stand the plutocrats ’cause they are rich?
Who leads simple life at a Hetty Green pitch?
Lawson of Bawson.
Who is it that’s sporting the sportiest vest?Lawson of Bawson.And also disporting the chestiest chest?Lawson of Bawson.And who affects sparklers of forty-horse ray?And puts up a thousand to buy a bouquet?And who’d probably talk if he’d something to say?Lawson of Bawson.
Who is it that’s sporting the sportiest vest?
Lawson of Bawson.
And also disporting the chestiest chest?
Lawson of Bawson.
And who affects sparklers of forty-horse ray?
And puts up a thousand to buy a bouquet?
And who’d probably talk if he’d something to say?
Lawson of Bawson.
The crusade of a few iconoclastic and revolutionary vulgarians to endow libraries, cheap schoolhouses and retreats for cripples, old maids and other unmentionables, should encounter our organized and unanimous resistance. The conservatives and respectables among us are called upon to sweep back the tide of delusion threatening our decent and time-honored prerogative of making wills and having them broken for the benefit of unknown collateral relatives, lawyers, chorus girls and other common law tenements.
It is no less incumbent upon us as Americans and plutocrats to thwart the disposition of meddlesome and impertinent persons of questioning in print the wisdom of the Almighty in constituting us trustees without bond for the great indigent and financial unwashed. Aside from the blasphemous character of such delusions, expressed misgivings do nobody good and actually mislead the public into a complete misconception of the profound contumely of riches.
Those foolishly inclined to consider our lot a bed of roses, hyacinths and Lawson pinks, will please reflect upon the dread uncertainty of not knowing at what moment “one” may be precipitated overboard from a yacht or be hurled to a violent finish from the back of a vicious polo pony or perchance dislocate the spine on the palace stair or the inlaid floor, or superinduce apoplexy by overindulgence in golf or bridge! And reflect for a moment upon the hazard of the auto from infants and common pedestrians getting tangled in the machinery! And how about being written up in the putrid press and being called a congenital money maker with pictures of some exceedingly primitive people called parents! And how about being compelled to worry along without means to buy new hair, new lungs and new stomachs? And how about irritating irregularities in the water supply when the stock is famishing and how about the Sunday school class coming in late after a peevish week in rebates?
Fellow plutocrats, aristocrats and autocrats, let us steel—ourselves—yea, to callousness against the crime of being misunderstood by the molten masses and betrayed from within by the two-faced Tom Lawson!
There’s a prejudice extensive ’gainst the Russian and his ways,For the ruler or his people there is very little praise;In the hurried march of progress they are badly out of date(By the way, they’ve information on this subject just of late);But with all their backward learning, yea, their sodden ignorance,In one respect the Russians lead us all a merry danceIn a single branch of knowledge they can put us all to shame,They can give us every face-card and then skin us at the game.A high official undertakes a pleasant social driveAnd it constitutes the last time he is ever seen alive;In fact, the mere narration rather fills us with a dread,For it is his last appearance, whether in the flesh or dead.There’s a missile thrown, a loud report, and when the smoke is goneThere are not sufficient fragments left to pin a medal on;There’s a gentle human drizzle, lasting frequently a day,And they hold a tweedledeum o’er the dissipated spray.To her style in execution as to neatness or dispatch,There’s no other Christian nation that can hold a decent match.
There’s a prejudice extensive ’gainst the Russian and his ways,For the ruler or his people there is very little praise;In the hurried march of progress they are badly out of date(By the way, they’ve information on this subject just of late);But with all their backward learning, yea, their sodden ignorance,In one respect the Russians lead us all a merry danceIn a single branch of knowledge they can put us all to shame,They can give us every face-card and then skin us at the game.A high official undertakes a pleasant social driveAnd it constitutes the last time he is ever seen alive;In fact, the mere narration rather fills us with a dread,For it is his last appearance, whether in the flesh or dead.There’s a missile thrown, a loud report, and when the smoke is goneThere are not sufficient fragments left to pin a medal on;There’s a gentle human drizzle, lasting frequently a day,And they hold a tweedledeum o’er the dissipated spray.To her style in execution as to neatness or dispatch,There’s no other Christian nation that can hold a decent match.
There’s a prejudice extensive ’gainst the Russian and his ways,For the ruler or his people there is very little praise;In the hurried march of progress they are badly out of date(By the way, they’ve information on this subject just of late);But with all their backward learning, yea, their sodden ignorance,In one respect the Russians lead us all a merry danceIn a single branch of knowledge they can put us all to shame,They can give us every face-card and then skin us at the game.A high official undertakes a pleasant social driveAnd it constitutes the last time he is ever seen alive;In fact, the mere narration rather fills us with a dread,For it is his last appearance, whether in the flesh or dead.There’s a missile thrown, a loud report, and when the smoke is goneThere are not sufficient fragments left to pin a medal on;There’s a gentle human drizzle, lasting frequently a day,And they hold a tweedledeum o’er the dissipated spray.To her style in execution as to neatness or dispatch,There’s no other Christian nation that can hold a decent match.
There’s a prejudice extensive ’gainst the Russian and his ways,
For the ruler or his people there is very little praise;
In the hurried march of progress they are badly out of date
(By the way, they’ve information on this subject just of late);
But with all their backward learning, yea, their sodden ignorance,
In one respect the Russians lead us all a merry dance
In a single branch of knowledge they can put us all to shame,
They can give us every face-card and then skin us at the game.
A high official undertakes a pleasant social drive
And it constitutes the last time he is ever seen alive;
In fact, the mere narration rather fills us with a dread,
For it is his last appearance, whether in the flesh or dead.
There’s a missile thrown, a loud report, and when the smoke is gone
There are not sufficient fragments left to pin a medal on;
There’s a gentle human drizzle, lasting frequently a day,
And they hold a tweedledeum o’er the dissipated spray.
To her style in execution as to neatness or dispatch,
There’s no other Christian nation that can hold a decent match.
To the patriotically inclined, the callousness of the public conscience to reforms freely demanded by the popular welfare is indeed alarming.
Consider for example the supine indifference of the country at large over the ignominious defeat in Kansas of a great moral measure to enact the ten commandments into law! And that it was accomplished in the teeth of a united support of a large, active and pious Methodist, Congregationalist and Presbyterian lobby!
And who does not recall the humiliating failure of the Georgia patriot to have passed a bill to protect the long neglected interests of bull bats, turtles and other game birds hitherto and still entirely ignored by that presumably enlightened commonwealth?
And while there was a low and sullen popular rumble in Tennessee against a shameless lobby of centralized bachelors that by bribes, imprecations and cajoleries smothered apro bono publicomeasure to tax their immunity from the strenuous life, public sentiment is once more callous and numb.
As a climax in corporate effrontery, however, as well as an extreme illustration of popular lethargy, a Missouri bill to prohibit the criminal practice of tipping waiters in hotels, restaurants and cafés was ingloriously snowed under and that, too, in the face of the lynx-eyed young governor. A cunning realization by the beef trust of the impossibility of getting its unrighteous commodity before the eating public with such a regulation in vogue, is no doubt responsible for this grave popular misfortune.
Hence the inquiry, what of the times when the public continues indifferent and when those who alone have the courage to essay the people’s relief from the thrall of mammon and general unrighteousness are to be derided as freaks or purchased, and nothing done about it!