CHAPTER III
ENGAGEMENTS
OF SPECIAL IMPORTANCE
There is perhaps no time when the rules of etiquette need to be so strictly observed as during the period of courtship. All the world loves a lover—but this does not keep the world from watching closely and criticizing severely any breach of good manners, especially on the part of the young lady.
Any public display of affection anywhere at any time is grossly unrefined. Love is sacred, and it should not be thrown open to the rude comments of strangers. The young couple should conduct themselves with quiet dignity and reserve, neither indulging in terms of endearment or caresses, nor purposely ignoring each other so as to create the impression that they are not, after all, so very much in love. There is no reason why their conduct in public after they are engaged should be any more demonstrative than it was before.
At parties, dinners, and other entertainments it is their privilege to be with each other more than they are with anyone else, but this does not mean that they should neglect the other guests. If the occasion has been planned especially for them they are in part responsible for each one present finding it an enjoyable one. And each one should be very cordial to the friends of the other.
Many an engagement that held promise of golden happiness to come was abruptly broken because one or the other was not sufficiently circumspect in conduct. A young lady must remember that while she is not exactly expected to give up indiscriminately all her friends of the opposite sex, she must not receive them as guests, or go to the theater or ball with them, without the knowledge and consent of her fiancé. He is, of course, expected to be equally considerate of her with regard to his own relations with other women.
The engaged couple of to-day enjoys much greater freedom than the engaged couple of our grandmothers' time. The chaperon has been almost entirely dispensed with, except in a few individual cases. Although it is still considered rather poor form to attend the theater or opera together, without other friends in the party, it is often done without any very serious consequence to the young people. Perhaps it is because the young men and women of this country have that instinctive grace and dignity of manner that the severe laws of conduct practiced abroad have been deemed unnecessary.
THE PROPOSAL
At one time, not so very long ago, it was considered an irrevocable law of etiquette that a young man obtain the formal consent of a young lady's parents before asking her hand in marriage. Prevalent customs have almost eliminated this formality, and modern mothers and fathers, by the welcome which they accord him in their home, show a young man whether or not they think him eligible for their daughter's hand. And it is really a much wiser plan to object to a friendship when it first begins instead of waiting until it has developed into something more serious. If the young man wishes to proceed upon the old-fashioned formula he may do so, first assuring himself insofar as he is able that his attentions are welcome to the young lady.
The time for the proposal depends upon attending circumstances. Someone has said that there would be fewer divorces if more proposals were made in the middle of the day under ordinary conditions, but the timid or romantic youth usually prefers the witchery of moonlight and the magic of solitude. The proposal itself should be sincere and earnest. Glowing terms and impassioned emotion are, indeed, very bad taste; and often the more simple a proposal is the more forcibly it expresses the suitor's ardor.
If he is accepted the well-bred young man will immediately seek the young lady's parents and impart the happy news to them. At this point, if it has not already been disclosed it is customary for him to reveal his true status, financially and socially, and answer politely any questions that her parents may ask him. If there are dissensions he must explain calmly and carefully, making sure all the time to keep complete control of his feelings and not to allow himself to become either angry or impatient.
THE ENGAGEMENT RING
It is the custom to seal the engagement pact with a ring. As soon as the prospective bridegroom has won the consent of the young lady whom he wishes to be his wife, he places the engagement ring on the third finger of her left hand. The convention is that the ring be a diamond solitaire set in gold or platinum, or, if it is preferred, a diamond set with other stones. It is always wise to consult the individual preference of the young lady in determining the choice of the ring, and it is her privilege to choose whatever kind she wants regardless of tradition or convention.
ANNOUNCING THE ENGAGEMENT
After the proposal has been accepted announcement of the fact is made, and it is here that the young lady takes the leading part.
There are several established conventions in announcing the engagement. Each one is good form, and the choice is merely a matter of taste and convenience. But always the initiative must come from the family of the future bride. The young man must not even announce the engagement to his best friends until he is quite sure that his fiancé has already made it known to her friends.
It has always been a popular custom in better society to give the announcement of an engagement as nearly an appearance of "leaking out" as possible. Perhaps it is because it adds to the interest of the occasion. To obtain this effect, a number of intimate friends and relatives are invited to a dinner party—really the engagement dinner—where, in the course of the conversation, the news of the engagement is casually imparted to the guests for the first time. It is usually announced by the father of the young lady; sometimes by her older brother, and in some cases by her mother.
The guests, of course, will offer warm and sincere congratulations. The happy couple mingle among their guests and receive their good wishes with modesty and smiles of thanks.
Sometimes the young lady gives a luncheon for her friends, at which the announcement is made. It is always very pretty to make the announcement in some novel way, and if the hostess does not find her own ingenuity equal to it she will find her stationer her best guide. He has various novelty cards, etc., specially designed for such occasions.
Often, instead of formally announcing the engagement, the young lady gives the news to several of her closest friends, depending on them to spread it among their friends and acquaintances. This manner of announcement is usually followed with a little informal reception, to which are invited the members of the prospective bridegroom's family and the relatives of both families.
THE MOST USUAL METHOD
Perhaps the best way to announce an engagement is for the young lady and her mother to send small engraved cards to their circle of friends and relatives, making the announcement in a simple statement, and mentioning an afternoon when they will be "at home" to visitors. The young man may also send notes or cards to his friends, having first made sure that his fiancé has already announced it to her friends. The "at home" offers a splendid opportunity for each one to meet the friends of the other, and for the families of the two young people to become better acquainted. Care must be taken that there is no constraint, no drifting into "circles." The young lady must welcome her future husband's friends with sincere cordiality, and see that they are properly introduced to her own friends. He must mingle with her friends and make himself companionable and agreeable. To be constantly together, selfishly enjoying each other's company while the neglected guests are left to their own devices is a breach of etiquette and must be conscientiously avoided if the "at home" is to be hailed a success.
If this last method of announcing the engagement is decided upon, the home should boast no decorations except flowers simply arranged. The young lady and her mother, in conservative afternoon frocks, receive together. The young man is usually presented to the guests by his future father-in-law. Entertainment, such as music and dancing, may be provided for the occasion if it is convenient. Simple refreshments may be served—dainty sandwiches, cake, tea and sweets are appropriate when served in an attractive manner.
It is also customary to place an announcement in the society columns of the newspapers simultaneously with the giving of the dinner party. It should always be written by the parents about their daughter, or by the guardian if she has no parents—never by the engaged girl herself.
ANNOUNCING AN ENGAGEMENT IN THE NEWSPAPERS
The vogue to-day seems to favor announcing engagements in the newspaper rather than through the issuing of announcement cards. Such items of announcement should be sent to the society editor of the paper selected, and should be signed with the full name and address of the sender. Brief items are always better than long ones.
Here are two typical newspaper announcements of recent engagements:
"Mr. and Mrs. Henry M. Bower announce the engagement of their daughter Rose to Mr. Walter Barrie of Boston. The date of the wedding will be announced in this paper later.""The engagement of Miss Lillian Hall to Mr. Robert G. Manning is announced by Mr. and Mrs. John B. Hall. The wedding is to take place in St. Thomas's Church on the 15th of June."
"Mr. and Mrs. Henry M. Bower announce the engagement of their daughter Rose to Mr. Walter Barrie of Boston. The date of the wedding will be announced in this paper later."
"The engagement of Miss Lillian Hall to Mr. Robert G. Manning is announced by Mr. and Mrs. John B. Hall. The wedding is to take place in St. Thomas's Church on the 15th of June."
ENGAGEMENT GIFTS
It is not customary for elaborate engagement gifts to be presented, even by near relatives. In fact, the mode of the engagement gift has been gradually disappearing until to-day congratulations are considered sufficient. However, the close friends of the young lady may send her, with their congratulations, pleasing bits of chinaware, glassware, and sometimes even silver. Odd pieces of bric-à-brac and quaint, unusual gifts, and antiques are always acceptable. Markings on gifts are usually in the maiden name of the bride—but if any doubt is felt as to which she herself would prefer, it is best to ask her.
There is an old tradition regarding the giving of tea-cups as an engagement present. A lover, who was obliged to go away on an extended sea journey, gave to his betrothed a delicate china cup, asking her to drink tea from it every afternoon. He said, "If I am unfaithful, the cup will fill to overbrimming and the tea pouring over the sides will crack the thin china. Then you will know I have broken faith." The custom has been brought down to us, and now we find that the giving of a tea-cup or a tea-set as an engagement present signifies faithfulness—and it may mean faithfulness to friendship or love as the case may be. We usually find that a young lady's spinster friends are partial to the custom; they seem to find particular enjoyment in presenting her with dainty tea-cups, either separately or in sets.
Expensive gifts should never be exchanged during an engagement, barring of course the engagement ring. The young man may present his prospective bride with books, flowers or candy, but articles of wearing apparel are considered bad taste.
To be modest, gracious, dignified during the engagement, to continue one's social duties faithfully, neither neglecting one's friends nor becoming self-consciously enthusiastic, to be self-possessed and unaffected even while one is the center of much lively interest and animated discussion—this is the end to be desired, and the young man and woman who have accomplished it are indeed fortunate.
BRIDAL SHOWERS
A good many years ago a friend of a young woman who was about to be married decided that the only gift she could afford was too slight an offering to express the love and good wishes that she felt. Knowing that there were other friends who felt the same way she called them together and suggested that they present their gifts at the same time. Then and there the idea of the "shower" was born.
The custom has prevailed and in most instances to-day the shower has a special purpose, such as the linen shower or the kitchen shower or the book shower. It is a very charming way of presenting gifts that would seem too trifling if they were presented alone.
Intimate friends of the bride are the guests at a shower. It is usually a very informal affair and nearly always a surprise to the bride. The gifts may be hidden in a Jack Horner pie, they may be wrapped in all sorts of odd packages, or they may be presented in any of a hundred and one attractive ways. Originality in this, as in all entertainments, is greatly to be desired.
The young lady who is honored with a shower thanks the guests verbally, and afterwards she may write each of them a little note expressing her gratitude. It is necessary to do so if the affair was an elaborate one and the gifts were expensive.
LENGTH OF THE ENGAGEMENT
The question of how long an engagement should last is usually governed by attendant conditions. There is, however, a marked tendency for engagements to be short; in fact, fashion now demands that the wedding-day be at least tentatively fixed before the engagement is announced.
Many times there are excellent reasons why it should be of several years' duration. It is best not to announce the fact formally, though it may be understood among one's friends. Matters of this kind are to be determined by the two people who are most concerned, and if a young man and his fiancé have decided that they would like to have a long engagement the rules of etiquette have nothing to say against it.
RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE WEDDING
The father and mother of the young lady who is about to be married assume all responsibility for the preparation for and the celebration of the wedding. The groom is not expected to pay for anything except the ring and flowers for the bride and, if he wishes, the flowers for the bridesmaids and trifling gifts for the ushers and other attendants. The clergyman's fee also devolves upon him, but all other expenses are paid by the bride's parents or guardians. Indeed, it would indicate a great lack of tact or delicacy on the part of the groom to offer to provide a part of the trousseau or to pay for any of the other expenses incidental to the occasion.
Announcement cards, invitations, music, flowers and other decorations for the church, the preparations for the breakfast or reception to follow the ceremony—all of these are paid for by her parents. The wedding should never be more elaborate than the parents of the bride can afford.
FAMILIES AND FRIENDS
It is always very delightful when the families of an engaged couple find themselves congenial, and every effort should be made by the young people to bring about, if it does not already exist, a harmonious relationship between their immediate families. It is almost equally desirable that each shall like the friends of the other and heroic efforts must be made to do so. A pleasing way to bring friends together is by means of an informal reception. The invitations should be cordial notes written by hand. The following indicates the usual form:
Bayside, April 4, 19—Dear May:No doubt you already know that I am engaged to be married to Ralph Curran. Thursday afternoon from three to five mother is giving a little reception for his friends and mine, and we both hope that you will be able to attend.Cordially yours,Helen Hall.
Bayside, April 4, 19—
Dear May:
No doubt you already know that I am engaged to be married to Ralph Curran. Thursday afternoon from three to five mother is giving a little reception for his friends and mine, and we both hope that you will be able to attend.
Cordially yours,
Helen Hall.
For the members of the immediate families or for very close friends a dinner is suggested but the most important point for the family which is doing the entertaining to keep in mind is the style of living to which the other has been accustomed, and nothing should be done which might embarrass them. If the family has been accustomed to great elegance the one that is acting as host need have no fear for people who are worth knowing appreciate simplicity wherever they find it; but if they are in very moderate circumstances it is the cruellest kind of discourtesy to attempt to overawe them with ceremonious hospitality.
It is ordinarily the family of the groom that is first to approach the other with an invitation of some kind, but extenuating circumstances make the convention vary. Often a young girl is invited to visit in the home of her fiancé before her marriage. It is an invitation which she may accept with perfect propriety.
CHAPTER IV
WEDDING INVITATIONS AND ANNOUNCEMENTS
THE WEDDING INVITATION
Not later than fifteen days, and not earlier than four weeks before the date set for the marriage, wedding invitations are sent to those friends, relatives and acquaintances who are to be present at the ceremony. When the wedding is to be a large church affair, invitations are sent to all those whose names appear on the visiting lists of the two families. They are also issued to relatives and friends of the bride and groom who may be traveling abroad, to the important business associates of the groom, and those of the bride's father. Intimate friends and relatives in mourning are also invited, whether they are expected to attend or not.
For a home wedding, more discrimination is shown in the issuing of invitations. Intimate friends and relatives of both families are invited, but no casual acquaintances. In sending out the invitations, the bride-to-be and her mother should take into consideration the number of people who will fit comfortably into the reception or drawing room.
SIZE AND MATERIAL
Formal wedding invitations should always be engraved. They are issued in the name of the bride's parents, or, if she is an orphan, in the names of a married brother and his wife, of her guardian or her nearest male relative.
Pure white or cream-tinted paper, unglazed but smooth in surface, should be used for wedding invitations. A conventional size, although each year sees another size in wedding invitations, is seven inches in length by six inches in width. These dimensions vary, but never more than an inch or so. They fold once into the envelope. Plain script is favored for the engraving of the wedding cards; old English script, Roman capitals and block lettering are all effective. A good stationer will show you the types of lettering most suited to wedding invitations at the present time. It is his business to be able to advise you.
If there is a family crest (the bride's family) it may be embossed in white in the center at the top of the engraved sheet, but not on the flap of the envelope. A recent fashion is to have the bride's initials embossed in white where the crest would appear. Both are effective; but such decorations as gilt-edges, entwined letters of coats-of-arms in colors are in bad taste.
Very fine paper should be selected for the wedding invitation. No tint except cream may be used; pure-white is considered the very best form. The paper should be of medium weight, unglazed, and smooth. Light-weight paper through which lettering can be easily seen should not be used. Nor should the paper be so thick and heavy that it breaks when folded.
KINDS OF ENVELOPES
The wedding invitation demands two envelopes. The first, matching in texture and quality the paper of the invitation, is used as a protection for the card. It remains unsealed. The second envelope is a trifle larger, though it must also be of a similar texture. Into this envelope the card and the inner envelope are slipped for mailing.
The large envelope is sealed and stamped. It bears the complete name and address of the person for whom it is intended, while the inner envelope bears only the name. The church cards are enclosed with the wedding invitation if there is necessity for them. And if there is to be a wedding reception to which this particular guest is invited, a special card is also enclosed. The "at home" cards of the bridal couple are sent separately after the wedding.
ADDRESSING THE ENVELOPES
The wedding invitation is addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Blank. The expression "and family" following the name of a husband and wife is not used in polite society. If there are unmarried daughters to be invited, a separate invitation is addressed to "The Misses Blank." Sons may be invited either by sending a separate invitation to each one, or addressing one invitation to "The Messrs. Blank." All these invitations, in their proper envelopes, addressed appropriately, are placed in the large envelope for mailing. This single envelope is addressed in full to the matron of the family, "Mrs. Henry Mason Blank."
INVITATION TO CHURCH WEDDING
The invitation to a church wedding is worded with a bit more formality than the invitation to the home ceremony. It is sent out two or three weeks before the day set for the wedding. The church wedding invitation requires no written acknowledgment, except in those rare cases when there is a request for it. Instead of the initials, R.S.V.P., it is better form to say simply, "Please reply." Invitations for the home wedding, of course, require prompt acknowledgment.
Following are two forms of church wedding invitations which may be used:
Mr. and Mrs. John Grey Taylorrequest the honor of.............................presence at the marriage of their daughterHelen MariewithMr. Raymond Mitchellon Thursday, the ninth of Mayat four o'clockSt. Thomas's ChurchNew York
Mr. and Mrs. John Grey Taylorrequest the honor of your presenceat the marriage of their daughterHelen MarieandMr. Raymond Mitchellon Friday, the fourth of Juneat six o'clockat the Presbyterian ChurchBoston
In the first invitation, the name of the guest is written by hand in the space left for that purpose. The use of "marriage and" and "marriage with" is now customary in preference to "marriage to." All three words are in good form, however, and any one of them may be used. Below is a model engraved admission card, used when the church wedding is to be a large one and tickets of admission are necessary. The correct size is denoted:
PLEASE PRESENT THIS CARDat St. Michael's Churchon Monday, the fifth of May
INVITATIONS TO HOME WEDDING
For the home wedding, invitations are engraved as for the church wedding, but for the phrase "request the honor of your presence" the phrase "request the pleasure of your company" is substituted, though "honor" may be used in place of "pleasure" if one prefers.
As in the case of the church wedding, a space may be left for the name of the guest to be filled in, or the form that follows may be used:
Mr. and Mrs. Robert Guy Brownrequest the pleasure of your companyat the marriage of their daughterHelen RoseandMr. Henry Van Burenon Tuesday afternoon, June the firstat four o'clockTwenty-two West End Avenue
When the wedding takes place in the country, or a guest at a great distance is invited, a small card like the one following is generally included:
Train leaves Grand Central Stationfor Glenville at 11:42 A.M.
Returning train leaves Glenvillefor New York at 6:10 P.M.
Wealthy people often place a special train at the disposal of special city friends whose presence is eagerly desired at the wedding. A card, like the one following, is enclosed with the invitation, and it serves as a pass, entitling the bearer to a seat in the reserved train. Here is the form most generally used:
The special train leavesGrand Central Station for Glenvilleat 11:42 A.M.Leaves Glenville for Grand Central Stationat 6:10 P.M.Please present this card at station door
WEDDING IN A FRIEND'S HOME
Sometimes, either because of convenience or personal preference, arrangements are made to have a wedding take place at the home of a friend or relative. The following wording is suggested as the correct form for the invitation:
The pleasure of your company is requestedat the marriage ofMiss Marian Benson JoycetoMr. John H. Brownon Monday, the fifth of Juneat twelve o'clockat the residence ofMr. and Mrs. Herbert Smith HopkinsEighteen Johns Street
WHEN CARDS ARE ENCLOSED
When a church wedding is followed by a reception or breakfast, special engraved cards are enclosed with the invitations to those guests whose presence is desired. It may be a very small card, inscribed merely with these words:
Receptionfrom four o'clockForty-six Lafayette Street
For the wedding breakfast a card of this kind is usually enclosed:
Mr. and Mrs. John Hayrequest the pleasure of.....................company, at breakfaston Thursday, the fifth of Mayat twelve o'clock
INVITATIONS TO SECOND MARRIAGES
The second wedding invitation of a widow should be issued in the name of her parents or nearest living relatives. She uses her own first name with the surname of the deceased husband. Here is the correct form:
Mr. and Mrs. Robbert Manningrequest the honor of your presenceat their marriage of their daughterMrs. May Ellis BrucetoMr. Stanley Kenworthon Monday, September the fifthat six o'clockSt. Paul Chapel
It may be that the woman who is to be married for the second time has no near relatives to serve as hosts for her. Her invitations may be like this:
The honor of your presence is requestedat the marriage ofMrs. Helen Roy ChadwickandMr. Bruce Kennethon Wednesday, August the tenthat four o'clockChurch of the Redeemer
Announcement cards are sent after a wedding if there were no invitations issued. They are often sent instead of invitations to friends who live at too great a distance to be present at the ceremony. They require no acknowledgment though it is customary to send either a note expressing good wishes or a gift of some kind. If one lives in the same community one should call on the bride's mother, and if the bride's card in inclosed, on the bride herself shortly after she returns from the honeymoon. This is the usual form for the announcement card:
Mr. and Mrs. Roger Smithannounce the marriage of their daughterRose MadelinetoMr. Frank Breckenridgeon Thursday, April the firstone thousand nine hundred and twenty-one
In case of a second marriage of the bride, the announcement card reads in this manner:
Mr. Robert G. GainsworthandMrs. Herbert Gaylord Smithannounce their marriageon Thursday, August the Eleventhone thousand nine hundred and twenty-one
The bride uses the announcement above only when she is a widow. A divorcée uses her own first and second names, with the surname of the divorced husband.
The announcement card is engraved on sheets of white paper similar in size and texture to those used for the invitation. It is posted on the day of the wedding. The forms given above may be modified by adding the name of the Church in which the ceremony was held, or the home address of the bride if it was a home wedding.
With the wedding invitation or the announcement card the "at home" card of the bride may be included, giving the date of her return from the honeymoon and her future address. Thus:
Mr. and Mrs. K. N. LittletonAt Home in Forest HillsAfter the eighteenth of August
INVITATION TO WEDDING ANNIVERSARY
Unlike the wedding invitation, that of the anniversary may display some delicate, unostentatious design significant of the occasion. It is engraved on sheets or cards which may display the entwined initials of husband and wife, and the year of the marriage and wedding anniversary. For a silver wedding, the engraving may be done in silver, and gold lettering is permissible for the fifty-year anniversary. The two most approved forms for the anniversary invitations are given below:
1875 1900Mr. and Mrs. Henry Guy AscherAt HomeWednesday evening, May thirdafter eight o'clockThirty-two Pine Street
1863 1913Mr. and Mrs. Henry Guy Ascherrequest the pleasure of your companyon the Fiftieth Anniversaryof their marriageon Thursday, June the thirdat eight o'clockThirty-two Pine Street
INFORMAL WEDDING INVITATION
When a recent death in the family, or when personal preference results in a so-called "quiet" wedding, when only the immediate family and very close friends are invited, a short note written either by the bride-to-be or her mother, is the only invitation. Following is a note of this kind from the bride-elect to her friend—and immediately below it the correct form of acknowledgment:
Dear Janet:Two weeks from Monday, on the ninth of September, Mr. Brill and I are to be married. We are asking only a few of our most intimate friends to be present, and would be very glad to have you among them. The ceremony will take place at four o'clock.With kindest regards, I amSincerely yours,Harriet B. Howe.Dear Harriet:I shall be delighted to attend your wedding on September ninth, at four o'clock.With cordial good wishes to you and Mr. Brill, I amSincerely yours,Janet B. Robbins.
Dear Janet:
Two weeks from Monday, on the ninth of September, Mr. Brill and I are to be married. We are asking only a few of our most intimate friends to be present, and would be very glad to have you among them. The ceremony will take place at four o'clock.
With kindest regards, I am
Sincerely yours,
Harriet B. Howe.
Dear Harriet:
I shall be delighted to attend your wedding on September ninth, at four o'clock.
With cordial good wishes to you and Mr. Brill, I am
Sincerely yours,
Janet B. Robbins.
ACKNOWLEDGING THE FORMAL WEDDING INVITATION
When a breakfast or reception card is included, a response must be made promptly. The form of the invitation should be followed as nearly as possible. It is written on the first page of a sheet of social note paper, and addressed to the parents or guardians of the bride. Here is the form used for acceptance:
Mr. and Mrs. John Mortimeraccept with pleasureMr. and Mrs. Henry B. Fletcher'skind invitation to be present at themarriage of their daughterHelen MarietoMr. Thomas Wolcotton Tuesday, the seventh of Mayat twelve o'clockand afterward at the wedding breakfast
Regrets are usually worded in this manner, following closely the invitation. The reason for non-attendance may or may not be given:
Mr. and Mrs. John Mortimerexceedingly regret that theyare unable to acceptMr. and Mrs. Fletcher'skind invitation to be present at themarriage of their daughterHelen MarietoMr. Thomas Wolcotton Tuesday, the seventh of Mayat twelve o'clockand afterward at the wedding breakfast
In the fourth line of the first acknowledgment above the two last words "at the" may be prefixed to the fifth line; the same holds true of the fifth line of the second acknowledgment. A good stationer will be able to give you the exact prevalent vogue in this matter.
WHOM TO INVITE
It is necessary for the young man and woman who are about to be married to make out their list of those to whom invitations are to be sent together. If the wedding is to be a large affair, not only their friends but the friends of their parents as well, and business acquaintances of both families should be invited. Relatives and friends in mourning should be invited but no resentment should be felt if they do not attend. If the wedding is a small one great care should be taken lest the guests are so numerous as to overcrowd the church or home. Especially is this true of the home where the space is usually more circumscribed.
SENDING THE INVITATIONS
All invitations should come from the home of the bride, even those that are for the personal friends of her husband even if they are unknown to the bride. They should be mailed from one month to two weeks or ten days before the day set for the wedding. If the bride is an orphan they are sent in the name of her nearest relative. If there is an older brother they may be issued in his name, but never in the name of a sister unless she is a great deal older than the bride or is herself a married woman. If the bride has lost one parent and the other has remarried she may use her own judgment as to whether to send the invitation in the name of her parent or in the names of them both. The latter is usually preferred, as a matter of consideration toward the step-parent.
RECALLING THE WEDDING INVITATION
A sudden death in the family, illness, accident, or other serious happening, warrants the recall of wedding invitations. The parents of the bride should immediately notify guests of the postponement of the wedding, by issuing printed cards. A good size for these cards is three and a quarter inches in length by one and one-quarter inches in width. The text is usually worded in this manner:
Owing to the sudden death of Mr. HenryRobert's father, Mr. and Mrs. James Curtisare compelled to recall the invitations fortheir daughter's wedding on Thursday,February the fourth.
Owing to the sudden death of Mr. HenryRobert's father, Mr. and Mrs. James Curtisare compelled to recall the invitations fortheir daughter's wedding on Thursday,February the fourth.
or
Mr. and Mrs. James Curtis beg to recallthe invitations issued for the marriage oftheir daughter, Grace Helen, and Mr. HenryRoberts, on Thursday, February the fourth.
Mr. and Mrs. James Curtis beg to recallthe invitations issued for the marriage oftheir daughter, Grace Helen, and Mr. HenryRoberts, on Thursday, February the fourth.
BREAKING AN ENGAGEMENT
A broken engagement is always embarrassing for both the young man and the young lady. Friends, if they are truly well-bred, will not ask questions, and relatives will not demand explanations. The obligations which such a situation entails are unpleasant, but it is infinitely better to go through the ordeal than to face a marriage which is certain to end in disaster.
At such a time it is important for the young lady to have the utmost dignity and self-possession. She is not expected to make any announcement or offer any explanations. If a reception has been scheduled, her mother sends brief notes or engraved cards to those who have been invited, informing them that the engagement has been broken. The young lady, if she wishes, may confide in her intimate friends; but to be bitter, to condemn her former suitor in any way, to suggest that perhaps he was not all that she thought he was at first, not only reflects on her own good judgment, but is very poor form and shows lack of delicacy.
If the announcement of the engagement has been made in the papers such a notice as this might be inserted in the name of the person or persons who first made the announcement:
Mr. and Mrs. C. D. Simmons announcethat by mutual consent the engagementbetween their daughter Agnes and GeorgeFrancis Richards is at an end.
Mr. and Mrs. C. D. Simmons announcethat by mutual consent the engagementbetween their daughter Agnes and GeorgeFrancis Richards is at an end.
If invitations have been sent out a similar announcement may be dispatched to each intended guest. These should be engraved on white cards of the size recommended by the stationer.
If the engagement was announced only to intimate friends the bride should send each of them a note stating that the engagement is at an end. It is much betterneverto give an explanation. Such occasions as this must have given rise to the proverb, "Least said, soonest mended." Even to the bride's dearest friend the following note is sufficient:
Bellevue, June 1, 19—Dear Ruth:Since I wrote you last week something has happened which has made George and me reconsider our engagement. You will therefore please disregard the invitation for Thursday afternoon.Ever sincerely yours,Margaret Franklin.
Bellevue, June 1, 19—
Dear Ruth:
Since I wrote you last week something has happened which has made George and me reconsider our engagement. You will therefore please disregard the invitation for Thursday afternoon.
Ever sincerely yours,
Margaret Franklin.
RETURNING GIFTS
When an engagement is broken off the young people return all expensive gifts and all letters that have passed between them. The young lady always, of course, returns the engagement ring.
If wedding presents have been received from friends these also must be returned with a brief note explaining that the wedding is not to take place. It is necessary to thank the donor as warmly as if nothing had happened.
It takes a great deal of courage to face the situation bravely and to go through it without a sacrifice of dignity. One thing must be remembered:Don't be afraid of what people will say.It is not their happiness which is at stake.
WHEN DEATH INTERVENES
Often a death in the family occurs when preparations are under way for a wedding. If the death is that of a parent or very dear relative the wedding should be postponed, if circumstances permit, as a mark of respect and sincere sorrow for the deceased. But if the wedding must take place as scheduled, or even two or three months after the death, good taste and delicacy demand that it shall be quiet and simple, with only a few near relatives and friends present.
If the ceremony is performed in church there should be no garlands of gay flowers to strike a festive note. A bit of fern or other green foliage here and there is sufficient decoration. The bride may have one bridesmaid and a maid of honor—but an elaborate bridal train is considered poor taste within six months of a dearly beloved one's death. The ceremony itself is dispatched with expedience and rapidity, yet without any semblance whatever of haste.
Whether it is held in church or at home, the wedding during the period of mourning is characterized by a solemn simplicity that has none of the triumphant joyousness of the elaborate wedding. And still the occasion sacrifices none of its happiness, for sorrow brings to human nature the same mellow sweetness that the flight of time brings to untasted wine.
To pay fitting reverence to the dead, weddings and receptions of all kinds should be postponed. But if circumstances decree that they shall take place, then the occasion may be marked by so quiet and unpretentious a ceremony that the respect due the deceased is in no way violated.
CHAPTER V
WEDDINGS
THE CHURCH WEDDING
The bride and groom decide between them the church where they wish the wedding to take place and the clergyman whom they wish to officiate. When there is no religious difference between the couple the matter is a very simple one and the church which the bride's family regularly attends is the one chosen, but when he is of one faith and she of another it may assume serious proportions. If neither is inclined to yield gracefully the laws of etiquette decree that the groom should give in, not only because chivalry demands it but also because the wedding day by right and tradition belongs primarily to the bride.
The church should be decorated for the occasion but not with great elaboration. Palms, ferns, and smilax, roses, lilies and other flowers are appropriate. Ribbon also may be used effectively. White streamers are sometimes used to mark off the seats which are to be occupied by the relatives and intimate friends of the bride and groom, but there are many people who do not like to indicate so definitely the lines of demarcation among their guests.
Extravagance in any of the appointments of the wedding are in extremely bad taste. It is sometimes well to remember the delightful logic of the old lady who said that she did not dress better than she could afford to at home because everybody knew her and there was no use trying to impress them; and she did not dress better than she could afford when she went to the city because nobody knew her and it did not make any difference whether she impressed them or not. No set form of decoration can be given, but magnificent ornamentation is out of place in a simple chapel or church, and in every place profusion beyond one's means is not only ill-bred but foolish.
ATTENDANTS
Among the Anglo-Saxons the custom of an impressive escort for the bride had its origin. To-day it is a matter of choice, and the bride may have as many or as few as she pleases. Her maid of honor is usually her sister or her best friend and her bridesmaids are chosen from among those who are dearest to her. The groom chooses the best man and the bride and groom together select the ushers.
THE BRIDESMAIDS
Although the number of bridesmaids is entirely a matter of choice, it is the fashion at an elaborate church wedding to have not less than five nor more than ten. A maid or matron of honor, two little pages or flower girls, and, if it is desired, a third child to bear the cushion to the altar, completes the bridal train.
The bevy of bridesmaids consists of the bride's dearest friends. If she has sisters, one of them, as well as one of the bridegroom's sisters, must be included in her escort. For maid or matron of honor, the bride selects a sister or intimate friend.
It is sometimes customary for the bride to provide the dresses of her bridesmaids. This, however, is dependent upon circumstances and conditions, and is not really essential. It is important, though, that the bride visit each bridesmaid personally and request her services at the wedding, unless she lives at some distance.
The bride, if the wedding is to be an elaborate one, may suggest to the bridesmaids the kind of gowns she would like them to wear. The young ladies may be trusted to follow her wishes implicitly. No one would willingly mar a friend's wedding by appearing in a gown that does not agree with the general plan. The gowns need not be identical; but the colors must be the same, or at least harmonize. Light shades are always the fashion for bridesmaids. White, of course, for the bride.
The bridesmaids should be invited many weeks before the wedding so that they will have ample time for preparation. Nearly always the dress has to be made, and this takes time.
It is customary for the bridesmaids to be dressed alike or very nearly alike. The custom had its origin in primitive times when evil spirits were supposed to attend wedding ceremonies and the bride and groom were surrounded by friends of their own age and sex dressed similarly so that the spirits could not single out the happy couple for their evil designs. It is a far cry from that time to this, and the only reason why the bridesmaids are dressed similarly now is because the effect is so much prettier than could be attained by a miscellaneous array of gowns, however beautiful each one in itself might be.
They carry flowers, either cut flowers or bouquets, but their bouquets are never so elaborate as that carried by the bride. Usually they wear a bit of jewelry which was presented by the groom. This, too, is a curious survival of primitive marriage customs when the groom had to capture the bride, and because she was fleet-footed and wild (or perhaps because he was lazy), bribed her friends to lure her to the place where he was waiting.
REHEARSALS
Elaborate weddings should always be rehearsed at least once beforehand. In arranging these rehearsals the bride must have in mind the convenience of her attendants, and by consulting them, should settle upon a time that will be agreeable for the majority. The requests for one's presence at a rehearsal may be made verbally or by notes. Refreshments are usually served afterward at the home of the bride.
She must arrange for the opening of the church, and she should provide a way for the young ladies who are at some distance to get there. The details of the ceremony should be practiced until the whole thing can be accomplished with ease and grace. Every possible effort must be made to eliminate a stilted and wooden effect on the actual day of the wedding.
REGARDING THE USHERS
At the rehearsal they should receive careful instructions (usually from the clergyman), as a large part of the smoothness and charm of the wedding ceremony depends upon their knowledge of the right thing to do at the right time.
On the day of the wedding, they must be at the church at least an hour before the scheduled time for the ceremony. It is part of their duty to welcome the guests and escort them to their seats. An old custom was for the usher to offer his right arm to a lady, and although it still prevails, a more accepted form is for him to welcome each guest with a smile, precede her down the aisle, and with a graceful indication, direct her to her place.
Front seats should always be reserved for the relatives and most intimate friends of both families. At most fashionable weddings, the names of the people to receive these front seats are tabulated on cards and given to the ushers. Another custom that is permissible is to mark off the number of seats in front that are to be reserved with a white ribbon, extending from aisle to aisle and terminating at the end seats with pretty bows or festoons. This manner of reserving seats for the "guests of honor" is not only effective, but is also decorative.
THE WEDDING DAY
June and October, because the weather is usually beautiful and flowers are more abundant than at other times, are the favorite months for brides, though there is not a single month out of the twelve that does not see its full quota of elaborate weddings. During Lent there are fewer than at any other time.
There is an old superstition which says that Friday is an unlucky day for a wedding, but the prejudice that rose from it has so largely been done away with that the only choice among the days of the week is that which rises from the bride's personal convenience and desire.
A wedding may take place at any hour of the day. Morning weddings are usually very simple. Elaborate ceremonies are usually performed at high noon or in the evening while the wedding that is neither very simple nor very elaborate (and this means most weddings) takes place in the afternoon. In a great many instances the hour has to be arranged with reference to the time the train on which the bride and groom expect to leave departs.
ARRIVING AT THE CHURCH
The wedding party should arrive promptly at the church a few minutes before the time mentioned for the ceremony. Few moments are more tensely anxious than those in which a belated member of the wedding party is awaited by the others. For this reason, it is always better to assemble at the home of the bride rather than in the vestibule of the church or elsewhere. Except the groom and best man, who await the others in the vestry and the ushers who have gone on ahead an hour or so earlier.
The bride's mother, the maid of honor and guests leave the home of the bride first. They are followed by the bridesmaids. The last to leave are the bride and her father.
The bride's mother is escorted to her place (the aisle seat of the front pew on the left side) by the head usher. Those of her children who have no part in the procession accompany her. The family of the bridegroom are similarly conducted to their reserved place, the front pew on the right side. As soon as the bridesmaids and the bridal party arrive at the door of the church, the bridegroom is informed, and the entire cortége assembles in the vestibule. The organist has previously been informed as to what musical selections are to be played, and as soon as he gets his cue, he strikes a chord—and while the mellow notes of the organ peal forth (usually the beautiful tones of the wedding-march from "Lohengrin") the doors at the foot of the aisle slowly swing open.
WEDDING MUSIC
The bride usually enters on Lohengrin and goes out on Mendelssohn. Throughout the ceremony, except when prayers are being said, there should be soft music and the organ should continue to play until all the guests have left the church, unless chimes are rung. In the event that there are chimes they should begin to ring as soon as the bridal party has left the church. The music for a church service may be very stately and impressive. Besides the organ stringed instruments may be employed and soloists or a choir may be asked to sing. Music is especially pleasing during the time when the guests are waiting for the wedding party to assemble.
The musical program in the home is not very different. A piano and one or two stringed instruments furnish the instrumental music while friends of the bride and groom may be requested to sing. These should be rewarded by a gift from the groom. There is a wider choice in the kind of music which may be used at the home wedding, for the beautiful secular love songs which are out of place at the church are most appropriate here.
THE WEDDING PROCESSION
The order of the wedding procession depends largely upon the number of attendants. The following arrangement is frequently observed: The ushers enter first, walking slowly down the aisle two by two. The bridesmaids follow in the same manner, the maid of honor, who is unattended, comes next, followed by the bride, who leans on the arm of her father. Flower girls may precede the procession or they may walk just in front of the bride and a page or pages may be added to the group to bear the train of the bride's gown. The bride is always the last to enter and she comes alone or with whoever is to give her away at the altar.
As they reach the altar the ushers separate, one half moving to the right, the other to the left. The bridesmaids do likewise, and the maid of honor steps to the left of the bride while she and her father advance toward the space left at the foot of the altar for them. At this point the groom and best man come forward and the bride slips her hand from her father's arm and places it in the hand of the groom, who leads her to the clergyman. Her father stands at her right.
THE CEREMONY
The ceremony is performed in accordance with the rites prescribed by the religious belief of the young people who are about to be married. The clergyman is the person to consult about any embarrassing situations that might arise.
As the wedding ring is worn on the same finger that has previously worn the engagement ring the bride usually removes the latter and places it on the corresponding finger of the right hand. She may allow it to remain there after the ceremony or she may place it on the same finger with the wedding ring. It is allowable to leave the engagement ring in place and slip the wedding ring on over it.
A word about the ring itself. Like many another of our practices to-day its use is a survival from primitive times when women were chattels and a man's wife was his property, his slave to do with as he pleased, and the ring was of heavy iron, a sign of bondage. Not more than a decade back the ring was too heavy to be comfortable on the finger, but now it is a slender band of gold or platinum with or without scroll-work or other ornamentation, as the wearer may desire. Its symbolism is very beautiful. The precious metal is an emblem of the purity of the love between a man and his wife and the circle itself is a symbol of eternity.
Before entering the church the bride removes the glove from her left hand and she may give it with her bouquet to the maid of honor to hold during the ceremony. The practice of ripping one finger of the glove so as to leave it bare for the ring is a very foolish one and has never found favor among people of good breeding.
It is the part of the best man to look after the groom. His services may be required in connection with many of the preliminary details of the wedding even in the procuring of the license. At the wedding itself he takes charge of the ring and the clergyman's fee, giving the former to the groom just before the ceremony requires him to place it on the bride's finger.
The bride's father remains directly behind her until the clergyman asks, "Who giveth this woman to this man?" when he comes forward, takes his daughter's hand, lays it in that of the groom, and says, "I do." He then turns away and retires to the pew, where his wife is sitting.
LEAVING THE ALTAR
When the final blessing has been pronounced the bridal group may stand at the altar for a while receiving their friends and then break up informally, or the procession may leave the church in reverse order from that in which they entered, the bride and groom walking first together, followed by the best man and the maid of honor and the bridesmaids and the ushers walking in pairs. The automobile of the bride and groom should be waiting at the door to whisk them away to the home of the bride, where preparations are made for the wedding journey.
THROWING THE BOUQUET
It is a pretty custom for the bride to throw her bouquet among the bridesmaids (especially lovely when the wedding takes place at home and the bride turns to throw the flowers as she mounts the stairs). It is a happy omen for the young lady who catches the bouquet. She may divide it among the others or she may keep it for herself. It is not compulsory for the bride to part with the bouquet if she prefers to keep it herself. She may press the flowers or she may have rose beads made from the petals or she may dispose of it in any way she desires.
A well-known young society woman who was married recently in one of New York's most exclusive churches, ordered all the flowers used in decorations to be sent to a certain hospital to gladden the slowly dragging hours of the sufferers. She has created a precedent that every bride should be proud and happy to follow.
After all, the greatest happiness is in making others happy. The joy of the wedding day will gain a new sweetness when a kind deed adds to its pleasure. Rather let the sufferers in a hospital enjoy the colorful fragrance of the flowers than permit them to wilt, forgotten, in the church.
RICE, ETC.
Frequently a shower of rice follows the departing couple, and satin slippers are thrown after the car. Care must be taken not to overdo this ancient custom, for although it is considered good luck for one of the satin slippers to alight on the top of the car, it is certainly bad form to give the occasion any appearance whatsoever of vulgarity.
It is interesting to trace this custom back to its origin. Among the ancient Egyptians and Hebrews a slipper or sandal was a symbol that denoted an exchange of property. Women at that time were regarded as property, and they were given in exchange for other property. Later we find, in Anglo-Saxon marriages, that the bride's father delivers her shoe to the bridegroom, who touches her on the head with it in token of his ownership and authority. The custom prevailed, and still later we find that the idea of good luck is associated with the throwing of slippers at weddings. Rice and grain were combined with the ceremony of throwing shoes, obviously indicating a plea to the deity of Productiveness to bless the marriage with an abundant supply of nature's bounties.
To-day the custom is still in vogue. Old satin slippers and handfuls of rice are thrown after the departing couple. It would not be an objectionable custom if some over-enthusiastic individuals did not overdo it to the extent that it becomes almost riotous. After a solemn, dignified, well-ordered wedding ceremony, and a charming reception, it is nothing short of ridiculous to spoil it all by boisterously overdoing an old tradition. The cultured person is always well-poised, always calm—whether it be during the tense moments of the wedding-vow utterances, or the half-glad, half-sad moments of seeing the happy pair off.
THE WEDDING RECEPTION
Fashionable weddings, if not celebrated with a wedding breakfast, are followed by a reception either in the afternoon or evening. All the bridal attendants are present, and those relatives and friends who have previously received invitations.
The reception takes place in the drawing room of the bride's home. The room is decorated with flowers, and in the hall is a refreshment table on which is punch, cakes and boxes containing favors for each of the guests.
The bride and groom stand together under a floral bell and accept the congratulations and good wishes of the guests. The bride's mother and father are at the door of the drawing room to welcome them, and the parents of the groom are also ready to receive and welcome the guests as they arrive.
It is an important duty of the ushers, at the wedding reception, to introduce to the bride all those guests whom she does not know. She accepts their congratulations with a smile and a cordial word or two in acknowledgment of the introduction.
THE WEDDING BREAKFAST
Wedding breakfasts, though an old English custom, are often held after the church wedding. If it is decided upon, the guests to be invited should be informed at least two weeks in advance. The occasion has all the dignity and formality of a dinner party.
The bride and groom enter the dining room first. They are followed by the bride's mother and the groom's father, and the groom's mother and the bride's father. The bridesmaids and ushers are always invited to the wedding breakfast, and they follow immediately after the parents of the happy couple. The precedence of the other invited guests is arranged by the mother of the bride.
The menu at a wedding breakfast is never elaborate. Consommée or bouillon, salads, birds, ices, jellies and bonbons are the usual order. Coffee and dainty cakes are served last. The wedding cake, if one is served at all, is set before the bride.
The bride gives one-and-one-half to two hours to her guests at the wedding breakfast. Then she retires to her room, accompanied by the maid of honor and her most intimate friends among the bridesmaids; and when she appears again she is in traveling costume. The groom has also retired to change his clothes, and he meets the bride at the foot of the stairs. The motor is at the door in readiness, and after the last whispered good-bys, warm handclasps and hasty kisses—the bride and groom are off!
THE WEDDING PRESENT
The custom of giving wedding presents dates from away back in Dutch history when the relatives and friends of the bride and groom took upon themselves the responsibility of furnishing the new household.
Great taste and discrimination should be exercised in the selecting of gifts and they should be sent early. Two months before the wedding is not too soon. It is wise for the friends whenever possible to consult each other so that they will not duplicate gifts. If most of the silver, etc., is gotten from the same jeweler he is a great help in selecting something that is not only appropriate in itself but in harmony with the other gifts.
Anyone who receives an invitation may send the bride a gift, though it is not absolutely necessary to respond to the invitation in this way. To the question: "What shall the gift be?" the answer is the prettiest and most useful article within one's means. China and silver are always appropriate, and cut glass, linen, books, and even checks or gold pieces are most acceptable.
There is a slight prejudice against giving money as a present at a wedding or at any other time, but one has only to see the joy that the bride and groom get out of spending the money over and over again before they finally do spend it to have this prejudice dispelled.
Silver and linen are usually marked with the initials of the bride, more often than not with the initials of her maiden name. If there is any doubt as to which she prefers and one is not able to find out indirectly, it is permissible to ask her.
Gifts should always be accompanied by the cards of the donors, but these should be removed when they are placed on display.
ACKNOWLEDGING WEDDING PRESENTS
It is not sufficient merely to keep the cards which accompany the wedding gifts but there must be some system by which the bride can remember which gift each one accompanied. She may indicate this on the card itself or she may keep a list of the names of the donors with the names of the gifts opposite, but shemustbe absolutely sure that she is thanking the right person.