THE LETTERS
AN ALPHABETICAL PROBLEM PLAY AFTER THE MANNER OF PINERO, HENRY ARTHUR JONES, AND OTHER DRAMATISTS OF A BYGONE DAY.
FOREWORD:A season or so ago, Mr. Cyril Maude and Miss Laurette Taylor attracted considerable attention in a one-word play—a play in one act, each line of whose dialogue consisted of a single word. In order to meet the insistent public demand for constantly increased novelty, I submit herewith what is probably the dernier cri in dramatic literature—a play in one letter.
SCENE: The drawing-room of Ebbsmith’s house. Any old set will do, provided only there is a portière-hung entrance at R. 2, in which the husband may make his unexpected appearance.
TIME: An evening in May.
PLACE: New York.
When the curtain rises, Mrs. Ebbsmith (a brunette with an uncanny likeness to Mrs. Patrick Campbell), is discovered in Charteris’ arms.
MRS. E.
(in passionate ecstasy)
O!
CHARTERIS
(ditto)
O!
(Zachery Ebbsmith duly appears in doorway at R. 2. The lovers cannot see him as their backs are turned)
MRS. E.
(still in passionate ecstasy)
O!
CHARTERIS
(ditto)
O!
(Mrs. Ebbsmith frees herself reluctantly from Charteris’ embrace. She turns and catches sight of Ebbsmith)
MRS. E.
(cowering before her husband’s steady gaze)
U!
EBBSMITH
(quietly)
I.
CHARTERIS
(under his breath)
G!
MRS. E.
(sinking to her knees before Ebbsmith, seizing his hands in supplication, and looking at him appealingly)
“Z”!
EBBSMITH
(angrily withdrawing his hand)
U——
MRS. E.
(in tears, interrupting)
R?
EBBSMITH
(violently; between his teeth)
A——
MRS. E.
(in tears, again cutting in)
A?
EBBSMITH
(with a laugh)
J!
CHARTERIS
(in great surprise)
J?
EBBSMITH
(repeating, nodding his head)
J!!
CHARTERIS
(in wonder)
Y?
MRS. E.
(ditto)
Y?
EBBSMITH
(with a grim smile, displaying a bundle of letters)
C!
(Mrs. E. and Charteris look at each other in alarm, realising now what Ebbsmith’s ironic twitting means)
MRS. E.
O!
CHARTERIS
H——!
EBBSMITH
(waving the letters tauntingly under his wife’s eyes)
C!
(Mrs. E. endeavours to speak. She tries to summon courage to ask Ebbsmith how and where he got the carelessly-guarded, incriminating letters, but her lips are muffled through fear. Ebbsmith waits patiently, sneeringly. Then, seeing his wife’s hopeless struggle to phrase the question——)
EBBSMITH
(quietly taking a five dollar bill from his wallet, and holding it aloft, with a significant smile)
A——.
CHARTERIS
(puzzled)
A?
EBBSMITH
(nodding toward entrance at R. 2)
V.
MRS. E.
(beginning to comprehend)
O!
(she rushes to bell. She presses it in order to summon the bribed Jenkins and lodge her accusations against him for his deceit. There is a pause. Enter Jenkins. Mrs. Ebbsmith makes to speak. Ebbsmith interrupts her.)
EBBSMITH
(to Jenkins, quietly)
T.
(Jenkins nods and exits. There is another pause. Charteris attempts to conceal his nervousnessby puffing nonchalantly at a cigarette. Jenkins enters with the tea. Ebbsmith motions his wife and Charteris to take their seats at the small table. Puzzled, they obey. Jenkins pours and exits.)
EBBSMITH
(taking from his pocket two railroad tickets, one of which he hands Charteris)
U.
CHARTERIS
(perplexed)
I?
EBBSMITH
(nodding firmly)
U!
(Ebbsmith now hands the other ticket to his wife)
EBBSMITH
(as he gives it into her puzzled hands; in same tone as before)
U!
MRS. E.
(in a tone of nervous bewilderment)
I?
EBBSMITH
(nodding firmly)
U!
(Mrs. E. and Charteris look at each other. Their expressions suggest anything but a feeling of personal comfort. They look at each other’s tickets)
MRS. E.
(reading name of road on top of ticket)
“B——.”
(her eyes, still dimmed by tears, prevent her from seeing the rest. She starts to mumble the “and” which follows the“B”)
“n——.”
(but gets no further, and breaks down crying)
CHARTERIS
(finishing the name of the road)
“O.”
(Charteris and Ebbsmith look at each other fixedly across the tea-table)
CHARTERIS
(deliberately)
U——.
(Ebbsmith lifts his eyebrows)
CHARTERIS
(hotly)
B——.
(Ebbsmith lifts his eyebrows)
CHARTERIS
(choking back the “damned,” and, flinging down his hand in disgust at the whole business)
’L!
EBBSMITH
(rising, going to door and holding aside the portières, significantly)
P!
MRS. E.
(sobbing out her reawakened old love for Zachery)
“Z”!
EBBSMITH
(insisting; in even tone)
D!
MRS. E.
(sobbing wildly)
“Z”!!
EBBSMITH
(with absolute finality)
Q!!
(Charteris throws a wrap around Mrs. Ebbsmith’s shoulders and starts to lead her from the room. At the doorway, with a cry of anguish, Mrs. Ebbsmith breaks from Charteris’ arm and throws herself into the arms of her husband. A smile spreads over the latter’s features as he realises the complete effectiveness of the cure he has practised upon his wife, of the stratagem by which he has won her away from Charteris forever, of the trickery by which he has shown Charteris up to her for the insincere philanderer he is, of the device of pretending to concur in her and Charteris’ plan to elope. He clasps her close to him and presses a kiss on her brow. Charteris takes up his hat, gloves, and stick from the piano, and tip-toes from the room as there falls the
CURTAIN