Chapter 3

The dividends are ten percent,The stock “is going to rise,”“It’s going to make the fortune ofEach lucky man that buys.”But still, I think I’ll not invest,I do not know just why,—But with a Goig, it is bestTo let your neighbor try!

The dividends are ten percent,The stock “is going to rise,”“It’s going to make the fortune ofEach lucky man that buys.”

But still, I think I’ll not invest,I do not know just why,—But with a Goig, it is bestTo let your neighbor try!

Gol´lo-hix,n.1. An untimely annoyance, especially when one wishes to sleep. 2. An auditory nuisance.

Of course, when you put up at the Fleetville Hotel Imperial, you got a room in the rear, looking out over the railroad station and the trains ran all night, backing and switching, raising a fine gollohix. But the side rooms were just as bad; there was a gollohix windmill creaking incessantly.

Further back in the country a dog will make the best gollohix, baying at the moon, or yelping at a woodchuck.

So let’s come to the city. It’s all night in the Pullman, and the gollohix they make with the milk-cans and switch-engines won’t last but three or four hours.

Why try to describe the gollohix? It’s the piano in the next flat at midnight; it’s the turkey-trotting overhead; it’s the phonograph across the hall. (SeeJujasm.)

Why do they put in your neighbor’s coal so late in the evening, when you have tonsilitis? The coal-man loves a gollohix, as a chauffeur loves a cut-out motor, as a city child loves firecrackers on the 3rd of July.

A musical comedy makes a good gollohix when you sit in the front row next to the drum, but a crying baby at four o’clock in the morning makes the best of all. (SeeKidloid.)

Wait a minute—I forgot the man who practices the trombone or the cornet, just across the airshaft—that’s a gollohix to dream about!

A New Year’s Eve in gay New York,Fire engines at a fire,A parrot that doth squawk and squawkAre gollohixes dire.If gollohixes all could beEscaped, I’d thank my stars,But Gollohix the Great is heWho snores in sleeping-cars!

A New Year’s Eve in gay New York,Fire engines at a fire,A parrot that doth squawk and squawkAre gollohixes dire.

If gollohixes all could beEscaped, I’d thank my stars,But Gollohix the Great is heWho snores in sleeping-cars!

Go-lob-ri-fac´tion,n.1. An object which has suffered extravagant decoration. 2. A composition superspiced with adjectives.Go-lob-ri-fac´tu-rer,n.A mad architect, or designer.Go-lob´ri-fy,v.To adorn excessively; to add excruciating and unmeaning ornament.

Go-lob-ri-fac´tion,n.1. An object which has suffered extravagant decoration. 2. A composition superspiced with adjectives.

Go-lob-ri-fac´tu-rer,n.A mad architect, or designer.

Go-lob´ri-fy,v.To adorn excessively; to add excruciating and unmeaning ornament.

Golobrifaction is the extravagant exaggeration of art. One may golobrify pastry, jellies, salads; or literature, with decadent phrases.

Golobrifaction is the art of supersweetening, or the flourish of eccentric adornment. (SeeDiabob.)

Topiary gardening golobrifies the country residence of the aristocrat; humbler abodes are golobrified with cast iron stags or plaster statues of nervous nymphs.

The lover golobrifies hisbillets douxwith ardent adverbs. The ambitious builder golobrifies his villas with the fret-saw and the turning-lathe. (SeeGorgule.)

Trading-stamp furniture, Spencerian flourishes, imitation castles, parsley decorations, notched turnips, oranges and radishes, cheap picture-frames, perfumery bottles, boars’ heads, fishes with tails in their mouths, gingerbread men—all are golobrifactions.

The wedding cake of the millionaire is a golobriboblifaction.Art nouveauwould require still another syllable. After all, is there much difference between a valentine and a formal Italian garden?

Her gown it was golobrifiedWith flounces, tucks and shirrs,With laces trimmed, with ribbons tied,With buttons, fringe and furs.Like unnamed tropic bird her look,—For, putting Art in action,Her spouse, a famous pastry cook,Made that golobrifaction!

Her gown it was golobrifiedWith flounces, tucks and shirrs,With laces trimmed, with ribbons tied,With buttons, fringe and furs.

Like unnamed tropic bird her look,—For, putting Art in action,Her spouse, a famous pastry cook,Made that golobrifaction!

Gor´gule,n.1. An unwished-for gift; an unnecessary, splendiferous object. 2. Elaborate bad taste.Gor´gu-lous,a.Ornamental, but not useful.

Gor´gule,n.1. An unwished-for gift; an unnecessary, splendiferous object. 2. Elaborate bad taste.

Gor´gu-lous,a.Ornamental, but not useful.

A gorgule is the imitation malachite clock, the fancy brass lamp, the green plush sofa, gorgulous with curves, writhing spirals, tassels, gimp and fringe. (SeeDiabob.)

A hand-embroidered necktie is a gorgule. So are lacy, frilled, beribboned boudoir-caps, without any boudoir; and fancy smoking jackets; and corset-covers with chiffon roses, theatrical act drops and scenic interiors,—anything too royal for humble use. (SeeGolobrifaction.)

Most wedding presents are gorgules. “Heavens, I wish someone would break that!” Need one describe the gorgule? A brass-and-onyx prodigy. A celluloid toilet set, in a plush casket, a chandelier of the epoch of 1880, a silver-plated ice-pitcher, or a set of lemonade-tumblers in colored glass. (SeeGefoojet.)

Ever receive a loving-cup, grand and gorgulous? Once you were proud of it; now you’re willing to have the children lug it to the seashore and shovel it full of sand. Why did you subscribe for that large folioedition de luxe“Masterpieces of Foreign Art,” a gorgule in nine monstrous volumes—price $85.75?

Don’t forget that eiderdown fan. It’s a gorgule. Give it to the cook.

Behold this gorgulated chair—A weird, upholsterrific blunder!It doesn’t wonder why it’s there,So don’t encourage it to wonder;For Gorgules such as this don’t knowThat they’re impossible, and thereforeThey go right on existing, soThis is the whyness of their wherefore.

Behold this gorgulated chair—A weird, upholsterrific blunder!It doesn’t wonder why it’s there,So don’t encourage it to wonder;

For Gorgules such as this don’t knowThat they’re impossible, and thereforeThey go right on existing, soThis is the whyness of their wherefore.

Gorm,n.A human hog; a practical egoist.Gorm,v.To take or desire more than one’s proper share; to act greedily.Gor´mid,a.Selfish, individualistic.

Gorm,n.A human hog; a practical egoist.

Gorm,v.To take or desire more than one’s proper share; to act greedily.

Gor´mid,a.Selfish, individualistic.

The gorm, when you offer him a cigar, puts it in his pocket and says he “will smoke it after dinner.” When he loses his watch, he offers a reward which shrinks amazingly when his property is returned and he is sure of it back. (SeeIgmoil.)

The gorm never pays for his round of drinks. He manages so that the other fellow shall settle for the taxi and the tickets. He will never move up in the trolley-car or take his bundle from the seat. On the railway, he manages successfully to occupy four places at once.

The gorm is the woman who tries to get in ahead of the line which forms at the ticket office. She monopolizes the most attractive man in the room to the exclusion of her sisters. At the bargain counter the gorm holds three waists while she examines a fourth.

Children gorm candy and ice-cream; men gorm free lunches, and women in Pullman cars gorm the ladies’ room for hours and hours, behind locked doors. (SeeSpigg.)

And all girls gorm love, or try to gorm it.

He gormed the fireplace, standing thereWith coat tails to the flameWith easy grace, without a careFor us who, shivering, came.He gormed the magazines, and satOn papers by the dozen;But at our club we’re used to that—Our gormid English cousin!

He gormed the fireplace, standing thereWith coat tails to the flameWith easy grace, without a careFor us who, shivering, came.

He gormed the magazines, and satOn papers by the dozen;But at our club we’re used to that—Our gormid English cousin!

Gow´yop,n.1. A state of perplexity, wherein familiar persons or things seem strange. 2. A person in an unfamiliar guise.

Have you ever been “turned around,” coming out of a theatre, after an exciting play? Right is left and west is east. You are in a gowyop. It is long before you can turn yourself about and make the world seem normal.

The husband who has just shaved off his beard is a gowyop to his wife. And his wife is a gowyop, after she has tinted her hair bright red. (SeeSpigg.)

The gowyop is like that room you see in the mirror,—so like, and yet so different. Your house, the day after the funeral, is a gowyop—everything seems so strange.

A pretty child, with his two front teeth out; a person you haven’t seen for many years and you now behold grown up; a son or a daughter who has just been married, are gowyops. So is the dignified old gentleman in the bathing suit. Or, that aristocratic dowager, who, when the house is on fire, appears in her night-gown; and your cook, when she is “dressed up.”

To the bachelor of science, returning after four years at college, home is a gowyop, too. (SeeThusk.)

All in a gowyop I descriedAn unfamiliar world;All upside down, I vainly triedTo get myself uncurled.But I was inside out, till whenI met my wife—the sightQuite turned me outside in again—She’d bleached her black hair white!

All in a gowyop I descriedAn unfamiliar world;All upside down, I vainly triedTo get myself uncurled.

But I was inside out, till whenI met my wife—the sightQuite turned me outside in again—She’d bleached her black hair white!

Gub´ble,n.1. A murmuring of many voices. 2. Society chatter.Gub´ble,v.To indulge in meaningless conversation.Gub´ble-go,n.1. A crowded reception, a talking contest.

Gub´ble,n.1. A murmuring of many voices. 2. Society chatter.

Gub´ble,v.To indulge in meaningless conversation.

Gub´ble-go,n.1. A crowded reception, a talking contest.

It’s like some huge, slimy reptile, with a hundred mouths, all murmuring. As you are admitted to the house, as the servant takes your hat and cane, the far-off sounds of gubbling strike you with terror; but it must be done. In you go. Everyone is talking, but no one is listening. Say anything you like—it will be lost in the gubble.

There’s gubble in a wordy play. There’s gubble at the steamer when you see a friend off for Europe—a flattering gubble, after you have performed in public. (SeeWumgush.)

Letters of condolence usually consist of gubble. Editorials about marine or railway disasters are gubble. So are funeral sermons. (SeeAlibosh.)

I entered, and I heard the humOf multitudinous gubble;And I was terrified and dumb,Anticipating trouble.When I remarked that hens had lice,(Not knowing what I said),My hostess smiled, and said “How nice!Let me present Miss Stead!”

I entered, and I heard the humOf multitudinous gubble;And I was terrified and dumb,Anticipating trouble.

When I remarked that hens had lice,(Not knowing what I said),My hostess smiled, and said “How nice!Let me present Miss Stead!”

HUZZLECOO

Huz´zle-coo,n.1. An intimate talk; a “heart-to-heart” conversation; a private confidential chat. 2. A flirtation.

A huzzlecoo is an animated conversation between two women over the back fence. It is a business talk between two partners and their credit-man behind the locked doors of the office; it is the directors’ meeting which results in Jones being appointed.

Ward politicians hold huzzlecoos in the back rooms of saloons and make up their “slates.” Mother and daughter hold a huzzlecoo in Nellie’s pink cretonne bedroom over “that young man” who has become so attentive. After the baseball captain and his manager have a huzzlecoo, Five-Base Murphy is put into the box.

But if you’ve never heard two girls discussing a man, or sat in the front parlor with Moony Mamie, the Merry Maneater, till 2A.M.—then I pity you; you’ll never know what a good hot huzzlecoo means. (SeeVoriander.)

The huzzlecoo that Mary hadWith me, the other night,Was intimate and personal,And,—well, you know all right!The huzzlecoo her father hadWith me, soon after that,Was intimate and personal—I left without my hat!

The huzzlecoo that Mary hadWith me, the other night,Was intimate and personal,And,—well, you know all right!

The huzzlecoo her father hadWith me, soon after that,Was intimate and personal—I left without my hat!

Hy´gog,n.1. An unsatisfied desire. 2. An anxious suspense.Hy-gog´i-cal,a.Unattainable; next to impossible.

Hy´gog,n.1. An unsatisfied desire. 2. An anxious suspense.

Hy-gog´i-cal,a.Unattainable; next to impossible.

Oh, that hygogical curtain-shade that simply willnotcatch, jiggle it up and down as you will! Oh, that mirror, too high for you, even on tiptoe! Oh, that telephone operator who won’t answer—and that match you can’t find, in the dark. Hygogs. Did you ever wait for a sneeze that wouldn’t come? It is a hygog.

The chandelier—just out of reach; with lighted match, how often have I striven to light the gas! It was a hygog. How near, and yet how far!

Your note paper too large for the envelope. Fold it over on the edges and cram it in— No, it sticks, and will not go! It’s a hygog. Or, if once rammed in, no man can draw it forth. (SeeWijjicle.)

Ah, but you suffer, not only for your hygog, but for another’s: The actor, who forgets his lines, the parlor elocutionist who pauses and cannot get the next verse—the hygog is an agony unendurable. (SeeSplooch.)

Hygogical is the strained anxiety of one who waits in nervous suspense for someone to meet her at the station in time to catch the train.

The cave-man knew it when, pursued by a saber-toothed tiger, he crawled out on the end of a too slender limb.

In Baltimore an oyster rareLay on his shell of pearl,Huge as an alligator pear—’Twas placed before a girl.Two times to swallow it she tried,Three times, and still did fail;The hygog was too long, too wide—Let’s kindly draw the veil!

In Baltimore an oyster rareLay on his shell of pearl,Huge as an alligator pear—’Twas placed before a girl.

Two times to swallow it she tried,Three times, and still did fail;The hygog was too long, too wide—Let’s kindly draw the veil!

Hyp´ri-jimp,n.1. A man in a woman’s place or who does women’s work. 2. An obedient and thoroughly domesticated husband. 3. A man entirely surrounded by women.

He may wash the dishes because his wife is ill, or because she is making a speech on the street corner; but he is still a hyprijimp. He may wheel the baby-carriage because he is in love with his offspring or afraid of his wife; he is a hyprijimp. (SeeVorge.)

He who carries bundles, kisses his wife in public, does errands for his sister or criticises hats with real fervor is a hyprijimp.

The hyprijimp is the male guest at a woman’s club; a man at a prayer meeting, an author who reads his own poems, a non-smoker, a husband in an employment agency. (SeeVarm.)

The husband of a Suffragette is a hyprijimp. (SeeWowze.)

Within a tea-room, pink and dim,Mid candlesticks and tiles,A hyprijimp, the only Him,Was waiting, wreathed in smiles.Ah, did he swear at Her delay?Did rage his forehead crimp?Oh, no, he was not built that way;He was a hyprijimp!

Within a tea-room, pink and dim,Mid candlesticks and tiles,A hyprijimp, the only Him,Was waiting, wreathed in smiles.

Ah, did he swear at Her delay?Did rage his forehead crimp?Oh, no, he was not built that way;He was a hyprijimp!

Ig´moil,n.1. A quarrel over money matters; a sordid dispute. 2. The driving of a hard bargain; a petty law suit.

Before the funeral was over, the brothers and sisters were fighting over the will; yes, before the father was dead, they had their igmoils over the property.

Woe to the wife of the stingy husband! Many are her igmoils. (SeeHyprijimp.)

And yet no one can escape the igmoil when abroad. When they charge you, as an American, four times the price, how can you help trying to jew them down? (SeeJurp.)

The igmoil is the pawnbroker’s daily bread.

To lose a friend through an igmoil, is the most sordid tragedy of life.

My wife had bought a summer hat;It cost her 19.20,That is, of course, it costmethat.I thought 6.50 plenty.We had an igmoil, for, you see,I had to have that money.She couldn’t see I needed threeNew golf clubs! Ain’t that funny?

My wife had bought a summer hat;It cost her 19.20,That is, of course, it costmethat.I thought 6.50 plenty.

We had an igmoil, for, you see,I had to have that money.She couldn’t see I needed threeNew golf clubs! Ain’t that funny?

Imp´kin,n. A superhuman pet; a human offspring masquerading in the form of a beast; an animal that is given overabundant care.

The impkin is the sole heir of Race Suicide, his mother being The High Cost of Living. He is supposed to “love his mummy.”

Impkins are canine and feline, but their parents are usually asinine.

The impkin is hyper-domesticated but doesn’t particularly like it. An impkin being frankly natural is always a shock to his mistress. (SeeFrowk.)

The impkin is particularly affected by large blondes, and always when their hair is hennaed.

Impkins have collars but no cuffs. They wear boots and ulsters and live in limousines. They give teas and grudgingly tolerate the presence of the master of the family. (SeeVarm.)

The impkin is supposed to have all of a baby’s virtues and none of his faults. It requires more care, but doesn’t jeopard one’s place in Society.

An impkin, noble and refined,Complained, “No doubt you see,Of course, I do not have to mindMy mistress—she minds me.”“A Pomeranian canine, I,—She’s but a common woman;She’s really quite insulting—why,She seems to think I’m human!”

An impkin, noble and refined,Complained, “No doubt you see,Of course, I do not have to mindMy mistress—she minds me.”

“A Pomeranian canine, I,—She’s but a common woman;She’s really quite insulting—why,She seems to think I’m human!”

I´o-bink,n.1. An unplaceable resemblance; an uncertain similarity. 2. An inaccessible memory. 3. An unexplainable sound.

A flash of mysterious semi-recognition confuses you for a moment. “Where—when—have I done just that thing before?” No use to search your memory or puzzle your wits; you can never catch up with the elusive thought: It’s an iobink.

That strangely familiar face you pass in the street—the figure you dimly recognize in the restaurant.

The iobink, like a will-o’-the-wisp, leads you on in fond pursuit. It was probably some clerk in a dry-goods store, or the assistant in the grocery. (SeeOofle.)

So the iobink subtly tortures you. You hear its human voice in sounds of running water, or the moan of the wind. And, as you lie in bed, terrified, an unexplainable noise keeps you awake. But, it’s nothing—only an iobink.

Whatisthat word, that you cannot quite remember? It circles above your head, just out of reach. The iobink will not come, except uncalled. The tune you strive to bring back haunts you like a ghost. You cannot give it audible form. It hovers beyond your consciousness in a world of iobinks. (SeeRizgidget.)

Who was she? And what was her name?Somehow, I couldn’t think.Why was my memory so to blame?It was an iobink.Where had I seen that face, that stare?In some old, previous life?The iobink dissolved—and thereShe was—my former wife!

Who was she? And what was her name?Somehow, I couldn’t think.Why was my memory so to blame?It was an iobink.

Where had I seen that face, that stare?In some old, previous life?The iobink dissolved—and thereShe was—my former wife!

Jip,n.1. A dangerous topic of conversation; 2. A suggestive remark.Jip´lish,a.Likely to lead to an explosion; too personal.

Jip,n.1. A dangerous topic of conversation; 2. A suggestive remark.

Jip´lish,a.Likely to lead to an explosion; too personal.

Never make fun of Reno—even to Mrs. Newlywed—she may have a ticket already bought, and it will be a jip. (SeePooje.)

Never speak slightingly of actors, dentists, Jews, Socialists, mothers-in-law, plumbers, Christian Scientists or Progressives—the man in the embroidered velvet necktie who has begun to glare at you, may be all of them—it’s a jip.

Did you ever ask a grey-gowned brunette the whereabouts of her husband only to find that he had died last week? Rather jiplish!

Anyway, you’re pretty sure to make a jip with your girl, sooner or later—whether you discuss her best hat or her best friend, the talk is apt to be jiplish. To ask a woman her age is a jip.

Never ask a man what his wife said when he got home late—it’s a jip. (SeeSkyscrimble.)

I asked Bill Green how Mrs. GreenEnjoyed her motor trip,And if she liked their limousine—Believe me, ’twas a jip!It was a jip to talk of her,For she eloped last fall;She ran away with his chauffeur,And took him, car and all!

I asked Bill Green how Mrs. GreenEnjoyed her motor trip,And if she liked their limousine—Believe me, ’twas a jip!

It was a jip to talk of her,For she eloped last fall;She ran away with his chauffeur,And took him, car and all!

Jir´ri-wig,n.1. A superficial traveler. 2. The Philistine abroad. 3. A bromide in search of himself.Jir´ri-wig,v.To travel with one’s eyes shut. To destroy opportunity.

Jir´ri-wig,n.1. A superficial traveler. 2. The Philistine abroad. 3. A bromide in search of himself.

Jir´ri-wig,v.To travel with one’s eyes shut. To destroy opportunity.

I met Mrs. Jirriwig first in Paris. She had been there three months, and had spent 87 days with modistes and lingeristes, one day at the Louvre—the rest of the time she had been ill. When she wasn’t trying on gowns, she was in a cab, going to or from the process. (SeeMooble.)

Later, on the train, I met Mr. Jirriwig, on the way to Venice. The train flew by the bounteous beauties of Lombardy, historic and picturesque. Did Mr. Jirriwig look out of the window? No, he was too busy reading his Baedeker, learning about Venice. In Venice, he spent his time in gondolas, reading up Florence. In Florence he sat at little café tables, turning the pages of his red-covered book and getting acquainted with Rome. So he saw Europe,—in type.

But there are thousands of Jirriwigs in Paris. They have been there for years, and all the French they know is “Combien?” They are in a state of perpetual disgust, that things are so different to anything in the United States.

But there are Jirriwigs in New York also. They live in the Subway, in offices and in flats. (SeeCowcat.)

Said Mr. Jirriwig, one day,To Mrs. Jirriwig,“Let’s see the Versailles fountains play;They say they’re fine and big!”“Yes,” said his wife, “they’re fine and big,I’ve seen them once, you know!”“Thank God!” said Mr. Jirriwig,“Then I won’t have to go!”

Said Mr. Jirriwig, one day,To Mrs. Jirriwig,“Let’s see the Versailles fountains play;They say they’re fine and big!”

“Yes,” said his wife, “they’re fine and big,I’ve seen them once, you know!”“Thank God!” said Mr. Jirriwig,“Then I won’t have to go!”

JIRRIWIG

Ju´jasm,n.1. A much-needed relief; a long-desired satisfaction. 2. An expansion of sudden joy.Ju-jas´mic,a.Offering relief from suffering, or an escape from ennui.

Ju´jasm,n.1. A much-needed relief; a long-desired satisfaction. 2. An expansion of sudden joy.

Ju-jas´mic,a.Offering relief from suffering, or an escape from ennui.

Thank God the train has started! So, after the long, dreary wait on a side-track, your heart expands in a delicious jujasm. As noise after long silence, so is silence after much noise, a jujasm. (SeeGollohix.)

After your slow recovery, jujasmic is the doctor’s dictum, “I think we’ll have to get you up tomorrow.”

Why is Helen’s face with wild jujasm alight? Dilatory Dick has at last proposed. (SeeXenogore.)

As deep as the grim horror of the dentist’s deed, just so high does your spirit rise in jujasm when the tooth is out.

Spring! After the long suspense is over, the first day of balm and warmth brings jujasm to your heart.

As a hot drink on a sleigh-ride; as food after a long fast—so is the first sight of women to a sailor, after his eighteen months at sea, jujasmic.

Last night, I took high-browed Harriet to the theatre, and she talked of her soul, while I perished. Oh, the rise of the curtain on that third act of farcical folly! It was a jujasm. (SeeOrobaldity.)

Jujasmic is it when, at night,Your baby stops his wails;Or when the land, at last in sight,The seasick traveller hails.But what are such jujasms to this—(I hope your memory’s strong,)That first ecstatic, rapturous kissYou waited for, so long!

Jujasmic is it when, at night,Your baby stops his wails;Or when the land, at last in sight,The seasick traveller hails.

But what are such jujasms to this—(I hope your memory’s strong,)That first ecstatic, rapturous kissYou waited for, so long!

Jul´lix,n.1. A mental affinity, with a similar taste and inclination. 2. One who knew you when you were a child.

“He speaks my own language!” Smile if you will, and call it sentimentality, but some there are, your jullixes, who laugh at the same jokes as you and weep at the same sights. Out of the ruck of social five-o’clocks you pick them, like single pearls out of dead oysters, and they shine in your memory forever. Three words spoken, and you know them as you know yourself; and you have floated lightly from ports of conventionality, never to return. (SeeFrime.)

Such is your jullix. It is not only that he loves your authors and your songs; not that he has been to the same queer foreign little towns that you have “discovered”—or even that she has had the same operation. Of your jullix you know far more than that—you know his soul.

When you are rich, sedate and prominent, comes one with whiskers and calls you, “Bill!” He knew you when you wore short trousers; and he, too, knows your language—that all but forgotten speech of your youth. (SeeThusk.)

Is she a jullix who was once engaged to the man whom you have married? A jullix? Yes, but alas, she knows too much for friendship!

A woman’s jullix is one who knows her real age.

How Elsie stared! Did Elsie guessWhat bond united herTo that girl opposite her? Yes!It was her jullix, sure.Oh, not from souls akin, and lessFrom friendship did she know her;But both had bought the self-same dressIn the same department store!

How Elsie stared! Did Elsie guessWhat bond united herTo that girl opposite her? Yes!It was her jullix, sure.

Oh, not from souls akin, and lessFrom friendship did she know her;But both had bought the self-same dressIn the same department store!

Jurp,n.1. A haughty inferior; a saucy underling. 2. An impudent servant or clerk.Jur´pid,a.Insubordinate or impertinent.

Jurp,n.1. A haughty inferior; a saucy underling. 2. An impudent servant or clerk.

Jur´pid,a.Insubordinate or impertinent.

Cooks, brakemen, shop girls are often jurpid. The whistling, gum-chewing office boy, who won’t take in your card and says, “The manager’s out,” is jurpid.

The officious policeman, the barber who talks, the headwaiter, who always gives you the table you don’t want, is jurpid when you object. (SeeMoosoo.)

What good does it do to report the jurp? You’ll only have on your conscience the fact that a man with a big family has lost his job. And so, you swallow his jurpid jibes.

“Well,” says the jurpid milliner, “yousaidyou wanted a red hat, and this hat’s red. We ain’t got anythingredder. If I’d a-known you wantedblue, why didn’t you say so, and I’d a-shown you some purple ones! You can see for yourself green’s more becoming, though.”

Colored maids, messenger boys and janitors cannot help being jurps—they were born that way. (SeeSplooch.)

It was a jurp who answered back,Impertinent and pert;A filthy beast, who drove a hack—You should have seen his shirt!And I a gentleman! Whee-ew,What jurpid things he said!I’d given him a dollar, too!But it was made of lead.

It was a jurp who answered back,Impertinent and pert;A filthy beast, who drove a hack—You should have seen his shirt!

And I a gentleman! Whee-ew,What jurpid things he said!I’d given him a dollar, too!But it was made of lead.

Kid´loid,n.1. A precocious or self-assertive infant; anenfant terrible. 2. A hotel or stage child. Any juvenile person who is too ubiquitous.Kid´loid,a.Impertinent or offensive, in a childish way.

Kid´loid,n.1. A precocious or self-assertive infant; anenfant terrible. 2. A hotel or stage child. Any juvenile person who is too ubiquitous.

Kid´loid,a.Impertinent or offensive, in a childish way.

In the hotel the kidloid is manufactured and developed from shy and timid modesty to the final perfect stages of conspicuous vulgarity. He is like an improbable old man, or a cynical hag but without the charm of age.

The kidloid, in comic papers, hides under the couch when his sister’s beau is calling, and is subsequently bribed to silence. In actual life, however, he is much more offensive when you know he’s about. (SeeVorge.)

The kidloid is called upon to recite “pieces” before company, and invariably makes a fool of his parents.

The kidloid makes conversation an agony, and has the apparent power of a multiple personality. He seems like at least a dozen persons when he is in the room.

Kidloids are created by fond and idolatrous parents by the simple process of giving them their own way.

The stage kidloid is a cross between an intelligent ape and a mummy. The hotel kidloid is an anthropoid dynamo. (SeeGollohix.)

The Kidloid at the Beach HotelWe thought a model child,For he behaved so very well—He was so meek and mild.But every girl, for comfort’s sake,Had paid him, every dayThat she had company, to makeThat kidloid stay away!

The Kidloid at the Beach HotelWe thought a model child,For he behaved so very well—He was so meek and mild.

But every girl, for comfort’s sake,Had paid him, every dayThat she had company, to makeThat kidloid stay away!

KIPE

Kipe,v.To inspect critically; to appraise pragmatically; to eye with jealousy or envy.Kipe,n.A woman’s glance at another woman.

Kipe,v.To inspect critically; to appraise pragmatically; to eye with jealousy or envy.

Kipe,n.A woman’s glance at another woman.

Up and down, from hat to heel, women kipe each other insolently as they pass. In subway or in street-car, every woman who enters is kiped by her shrewd-eyed sisters. In that keen first glance, every article of the new comer’s raiment is appraised. (SeeFlooijab.)

So, at the employment agency, the housewife kipes the cook, and cook kipes housewife, each turning away with the thought, “She won’t do for me.” (SeeSnosh.)

Employer kipes the applicant for position, accepts or rejects. The poker-player, with his last blue chip in the pot, kipes his four-card draw. The fastidious smoker kipes the gift cigar. The golfer kipes his “lie.”

Says Aunt Samanthy Hanks to Mary Jane at the county fair, as she kipes the patchwork bedquilts in the gallery, “Mine’s better’n her’n.” Says the mother of the bride, as she kipes the wedding presents spread out on the table, “H’m! his folks must be close-fisted.” (SeeGefoojet.)

As you whiz, motoring through the park, a car flashes by—but not too fast for your automobile host to kipe it: “1913 36-6 ‘Strangler’— No good!”

So do the village girls kipe the strange young man in town.

Carlotta kipes at Ermyntrude,And Ermyntrude at Rose;And every stitch that each has onEach other lady knows.Each lady knows the other’s faults,Her quality and size,And just how old and good she is;Would men were half as wise!

Carlotta kipes at Ermyntrude,And Ermyntrude at Rose;And every stitch that each has onEach other lady knows.

Each lady knows the other’s faults,Her quality and size,And just how old and good she is;Would men were half as wise!

Krip´sle,n.A worrying physical sensation, an invisible annoyance absorbing one’s attention.Krip´sly,a.Distracting, distrait, unmentionably provocative.

Krip´sle,n.A worrying physical sensation, an invisible annoyance absorbing one’s attention.

Krip´sly,a.Distracting, distrait, unmentionably provocative.

Walking on spilt sugar is kripsly.

That fugitive morsel of walnut-meat in the cavity of your bi-cuspid, which your tongue chases so thoughtfully, but in vain—a fascinating kripsle, as kripsly as a loose tooth! (SeeVorge.)

Has a hairpin fallen down your back? Smile, and don’t be kripsly; beware that faraway look that tells the story! And when through that hole in your stocking your big toe sticks out, don’t be kripsled!

The ancient Stoics, like the modern Christian Scientists, declared that all kripsles were Error. But Mortal Mind knows full well that when you have both hands and arms full of bundles, the drop that hangs, pulling at the end of your nose, is a kripsle hard to bear—it cannot be snuffed in or shaken off.

The philosopher may be calm, even while his foot is awakening from a sound sleep; the poet may not lose his inspiration even with a hair in his mouth; but to plain John W. Smith, of 101 Eighth Avenue, a kripsle is as disturbing as a broken elbow, or a bleeding poached egg in its death agony. (SeeSlub.)

Perhaps you think that smile you caught,Her introspective air,Her pensive mien—is caused by thoughtToo shy for you to share.Ah, so it is! With all your tactYou fail. It is no use!For she is kripsled by the factThat her left garter’s loose.

Perhaps you think that smile you caught,Her introspective air,Her pensive mien—is caused by thoughtToo shy for you to share.

Ah, so it is! With all your tactYou fail. It is no use!For she is kripsled by the factThat her left garter’s loose.

Lal´li-fac-tion,n.A verbose story, a joke repeated.Lal´li-fy,v.1. To act too slowly; to delay. 2. To give an over-painstaking or super-elaborate performance.

Lal´li-fac-tion,n.A verbose story, a joke repeated.

Lal´li-fy,v.1. To act too slowly; to delay. 2. To give an over-painstaking or super-elaborate performance.

Did you ever hear an Englishman lallify his conversation with, “What I mean to say is this,” and “if you know what I mean” and “do you see”? So the shop girl lallifies her talk with “Listen here!” or “Say, listen!” while she gropes for an idea. The preacher, barren of fresh thoughts, lallifies his meager sermon. “Fourthly, beloved brethren—” (SeeDrillig.)

A “talky” play is lallified till the house walks out. Like a song sung too slowly, so is the lallified talk of the young man who doesn’t want to escort that particular girl home. (SeeVorgeandXenogore.)

The lallified book: Wide, wide margins and thick, thick paper—or, maybe it is lallified only with adjectives or adverbs.

Have you ever heard that man Gerrish tell his favorite story, lallifying it with dialect-dialogue till you yawned? Then, after you have forced a laugh, he lallifies the point with reminiscent unction, repeating it reflectively, itching for more applause.

The consummate lallification is two women saying good-bye to each other. (SeeWumgush.)

For months and months the HemmingwaysHave lallified of Baby,How Baby walks and talks and plays—And have I listened? Maybe.But now the time has come, today,To lallify that pair;For I am working on a play,And talk about it there!

For months and months the HemmingwaysHave lallified of Baby,How Baby walks and talks and plays—And have I listened? Maybe.

But now the time has come, today,To lallify that pair;For I am working on a play,And talk about it there!

Le´o-lump,n.1. An interrupter of conversations; one who always brings the talk back to himself. 2. An egoist; one who thinks you are necessarily interested in what interests him.

“When I was in Italy,” I began, carelessly—

“Oh, dear, I’ve never been out of New York!” she whined. “I do wish I could go to Italy sometime!”

She was a leolump. I could not mention anything without her applying it to herself. The word “objective” was not in her dictionary.

The leolump always caps your story with one stranger and bigger than yours. He has acquired the art of the superlative. (SeePersotude.)

Talk to a leolump actor of logarithms, and in an instant he will prove relationship; he can show himself to be first cousin to the carbo-hydrates in a congress of foreign chemists.

Conversation? Impossible when a leolump is present. Even if he has the civility not to interrupt, which he hasn’t, the minute you stop speaking he is astride his hobby and riding himself to social suicide. (SeeBlurb.)

He has a million subjects ready in the pigeon-hole marked “I.”

Women are seldom leolumps, for they never allow the conversation to depart from the subject of themselves. And so they never have to interrupt, or bring the topic back.

He breaks into your talk, and cries,“Oh, that reminds me,”—thenOh, how his tale your patience tries!But you begin again.A leolump you cannot shame;His head is like a fly’s;His brain is small, but all the same,He has a thousand “I’s.”

He breaks into your talk, and cries,“Oh, that reminds me,”—thenOh, how his tale your patience tries!But you begin again.

A leolump you cannot shame;His head is like a fly’s;His brain is small, but all the same,He has a thousand “I’s.”

Loob´lum,n.1. A pleasant thing that is bad for one; rich, but dangerous food. 2. A flatterer; flattery.Loob´loid,a.1. Sweet, but indigestible.

Loob´lum,n.1. A pleasant thing that is bad for one; rich, but dangerous food. 2. A flatterer; flattery.

Loob´loid,a.1. Sweet, but indigestible.

Loobloid is the broiled live lobster and the hot mince pie. Loobloid, ice water when you are warm and whiskey when you are cold.

But human nature still woos the looblum. For youthful inexperience, green apples and the first cigar; for age, ennui and discouragement,—opium, morphine and cocaine.

Yes, all those things of which the bromide says, “I like them, but they don’t like me,” are loobloid. Black coffee at night and a cocktail in the morning—both are looblums.

And yet, the mental looblums are worse; corroding the character with sweetest poisons. How rapturously we gulp them down! You ask criticism on what you know is bad, and enjoy the loobloid praise. On his opening night, the ambitious playwright makes his speech in answer to the looblums of applause. (SeeWumgush.)

On the morning after her wedding-day, the blue-nosed bride reads loobloid descriptions of her beauty at the ceremony.

Most loobloid, but most sweet! The flattery of the fond and doting parent. (SeeCulp.)

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