Chapter 6

We might well call this short mock-play of ours,A posy made of weeds instead of flowers;Yet such have been presented to your noses,And there are such, I fear, who thought 'em roses.Would some of 'em were here, to see, this night,What stuff it is in which they took delight.Here brisk insipid rogues, for wit, let fallSometimes dull sense; but oft'ner none at all.There, strutting heroes, with a grim-fac'd train,Shall brave the gods, in King Cambyses' vein.For (changing rules, of late, as if man writIn spite of reason, nature, art and wit)Our poets make us laugh at tragedy,And with their comedies they make us cry.Now critics, do your worst, that here are met;For, like a rook, I have hedg'd in my bet.If you approve, I shall assume the stateOf those high-flyers whom I imitate:And justly too, for I will teach you moreThan ever they would let you know before.I will not only show the feats they do,But give you all their reasons for 'em too.Some honour may to me from hence arise;But if, by my endeavours you grow wise,And what you once so prais'd, shall now despise;Then I'll cry out, swell'd with poetic rage,'Tis I, John Lacy, have reform'd your stage.

We might well call this short mock-play of ours,

A posy made of weeds instead of flowers;

Yet such have been presented to your noses,

And there are such, I fear, who thought 'em roses.

Would some of 'em were here, to see, this night,

What stuff it is in which they took delight.

Here brisk insipid rogues, for wit, let fall

Sometimes dull sense; but oft'ner none at all.

There, strutting heroes, with a grim-fac'd train,

Shall brave the gods, in King Cambyses' vein.

For (changing rules, of late, as if man writ

In spite of reason, nature, art and wit)

Our poets make us laugh at tragedy,

And with their comedies they make us cry.

Now critics, do your worst, that here are met;

For, like a rook, I have hedg'd in my bet.

If you approve, I shall assume the state

Of those high-flyers whom I imitate:

And justly too, for I will teach you more

Than ever they would let you know before.

I will not only show the feats they do,

But give you all their reasons for 'em too.

Some honour may to me from hence arise;

But if, by my endeavours you grow wise,

And what you once so prais'd, shall now despise;

Then I'll cry out, swell'd with poetic rage,

'Tis I, John Lacy, have reform'd your stage.

JohnsonandSmith.Johns.Honest Frank! I am glad to see thee with all my heart: how long hast thou been in town?Smith.Faith, not above an hour: and, if I had not met you here, I had gone to look you out; for I long to talk with you freely of all the strange new things we have heard in the country.Johns.And, by my troth, I have long'd as much to laugh with you at all the impertinent, dull, fantastical things, we are tired out with here.Smith.Dull and fantastical! that's an excellent composition. Pray, what are our men of business doing?Johns.I ne'er inquire after 'em. Thou knowest my humour lies another way. I love to please myself as much, and to trouble others as little as I can; and therefore do naturally avoid the company of those solemn fops, who, being incapable of reason, and insensible of wit and pleasure, are always looking grave, and troubling one another, in hopes to be thought men of business.Smith.Indeed, I have ever observed, that your grave lookers are the dullest of men.Johns.Ay, and of birds and beasts too: your gravest bird is an owl, and your gravest beast is an ass.Smith.Well: but how dost thou pass thy time?Johns.Why, as I used to do; eat, drink as well as I can, have a friend to chat with in the afternoon, and sometimes see a play; where there are such things, Frank, such hideous, monstrous things, that it has almost made me forswear the stage, and resolve to apply myself to the solid nonsense of your men of business, as the more ingenious pastime.Smith.I have heard, indeed, you have had lately many new plays; and our country wits commend 'em.Johns.Ay, so do some of our city wits too; but they are of the new kind of wits.Smith.New kind! what kind is that?Johns.Why, your virtuousi; your civil persons, your drolls; fellows that scorn to imitate nature; but are given altogether to elevate and surprise.Smith.Elevate and surprise! prithee, make me understand the meaning of that.Johns.Nay, by my troth, that's a hard matter: I don't understand that myself. 'Tis a phrase they have got among them, to express their no-meaning by. I'll tell you, as near as I can, what it is. Let me see; 'tis fighting, loving, sleeping, rhyming, dying, dancing, singing, crying; and everything, but thinking and sense.Mr. Bayespasses over the stage.Bayes.Your most obsequious, and most observant, very servant, sir.Johns.Odso, this is an author. I'll go fetch him to you.Smith.No, prithee let him alone.

JohnsonandSmith.

Johns.Honest Frank! I am glad to see thee with all my heart: how long hast thou been in town?

Smith.Faith, not above an hour: and, if I had not met you here, I had gone to look you out; for I long to talk with you freely of all the strange new things we have heard in the country.

Johns.And, by my troth, I have long'd as much to laugh with you at all the impertinent, dull, fantastical things, we are tired out with here.

Smith.Dull and fantastical! that's an excellent composition. Pray, what are our men of business doing?

Johns.I ne'er inquire after 'em. Thou knowest my humour lies another way. I love to please myself as much, and to trouble others as little as I can; and therefore do naturally avoid the company of those solemn fops, who, being incapable of reason, and insensible of wit and pleasure, are always looking grave, and troubling one another, in hopes to be thought men of business.

Smith.Indeed, I have ever observed, that your grave lookers are the dullest of men.

Johns.Ay, and of birds and beasts too: your gravest bird is an owl, and your gravest beast is an ass.

Smith.Well: but how dost thou pass thy time?

Johns.Why, as I used to do; eat, drink as well as I can, have a friend to chat with in the afternoon, and sometimes see a play; where there are such things, Frank, such hideous, monstrous things, that it has almost made me forswear the stage, and resolve to apply myself to the solid nonsense of your men of business, as the more ingenious pastime.

Smith.I have heard, indeed, you have had lately many new plays; and our country wits commend 'em.

Johns.Ay, so do some of our city wits too; but they are of the new kind of wits.

Smith.New kind! what kind is that?

Johns.Why, your virtuousi; your civil persons, your drolls; fellows that scorn to imitate nature; but are given altogether to elevate and surprise.

Smith.Elevate and surprise! prithee, make me understand the meaning of that.

Johns.Nay, by my troth, that's a hard matter: I don't understand that myself. 'Tis a phrase they have got among them, to express their no-meaning by. I'll tell you, as near as I can, what it is. Let me see; 'tis fighting, loving, sleeping, rhyming, dying, dancing, singing, crying; and everything, but thinking and sense.

Mr. Bayespasses over the stage.

Bayes.Your most obsequious, and most observant, very servant, sir.

Johns.Odso, this is an author. I'll go fetch him to you.

Smith.No, prithee let him alone.

Johns.Nay, by the Lord, I'll have him.[Goes after him.Here he is; I have caught him. Pray, sir, now for my sake, will you do a favour to this friend of mine?

Johns.Nay, by the Lord, I'll have him.

[Goes after him.

Here he is; I have caught him. Pray, sir, now for my sake, will you do a favour to this friend of mine?

Bayes.Sir, it is not within my small capacity to do favours, but receive 'em; especially from a person that does wear the honourable title you are pleased to impose, sir, upon this—sweet sir, your servant.Smith.Your humble servant, sir.Johns.But wilt thou do me a favour, now?Bayes.Ay, sir, what is't?Johns.Why, to tell him the meaning of thy last play.Bayes.How, sir, the meaning? Do you mean the plot?Johns.Ay, ay; anything.Bayes.Faith, sir, the intrigo's now quite out of my head; but I have a new one in my pocket that I may say is a virgin; it has never yet been blown upon. I must tell you one thing: 'tis all new wit, and, though I say it, a better than my last; and you know well enough how that took. In fine, it shall read, and write, and act, and plot, and show, ay, and pit, box, and gallery, egad, with any play in Europe.[1]This morning is its last rehearsal, in their habits, and all that, as it is to be acted; and if you and your friend will do it but the honour to see it in its virgin attire; though, perhaps, it may blush, I shall not beashamed to discover its nakedness unto you. I think it is in this pocket.[Puts his hand in his pocket.Johns.Sir, I confess I am not able to answer you in this new way; but if you please to lead, I shall be glad to follow you, and I hope my friend will do so too.Smith.Sir, I have no business so considerable as should keep me from your company.Bayes.Yes, here it is. No, cry you mercy: this is my book of Drama Commonplaces, the mother of many other plays.Johns.Drama Commonplaces! pray what's that?Bayes.Why, sir, some certain helps that we men of art have found it convenient to make use of.Smith.How, sir, helps for wit?Bayes.Ay, sir, that's my position. And I do here aver that no man yet the sun e'er shone upon has parts sufficient to furnish out a stage, except it were by the help of these my rules.[2]Johns.What are those rules, I pray?Bayes.Why, sir, my first rule is the rule of transversion, or Regula Duplex; changing verse into prose, or prose into verse,alternativèas you please.Smith.Well; but how is this done by a rule, sir?Bayes.Why thus, sir; nothing so easy when understood. I take a book in my hand, either at home or elsewhere, for that's all one; if there be any wit in't, as there is no book but has some, I transverse it; that is, if it be prose, put it into verse (but that takes up some time), and if it be verse, put it into prose.Johns.Methinks, Mr. Bayes, that putting verse into prose should be called transprosing.Bayes.By my troth, sir, 'tis a very good notion; and hereafter it shall be so.Smith.Well, sir, and what d'ye do with it then?Bayes.Make it my own. 'Tis so changed that no man can know it. My next rule is the rule of record, by way of table-book. Pray observe.Johns.We hear you, sir; go on.Bayes.As thus. I come into a coffee-house, or some other place where witty men resort, I make as if I minded nothing; do you mark? but as soon as any one speaks, pop I slap it down, and make that too my own.Johns.But, Mr. Bayes, are you not sometimes in danger of their making you restore, by force, what you have gotten thus by art?Bayes.No, sir; the world's unmindful: they never take notice of these things.Smith.But pray, Mr. Bayes, among all your other rules, have you no one rule for invention?Bayes.Yes, sir, that's my third rule that I have here in my pocket.Smith.What rule can that be, I wonder?Bayes.Why, sir, when I have anything to invent, I never trouble my head about it, as other men do; but presently turn over this book, and there I have, at one view, all that Persius, Montaigne, Seneca's Tragedies, Horace, Juvenal, Claudian, Pliny, Plutarch's Lives, and the rest, have ever thought upon this subject: and so, in a trice, by leaving out a few words, or putting in others of my own, the business is done.Johns.Indeed, Mr. Bayes, this is as sure and compendious a way of wit as ever I heard of.Bayes.Sir, if you make the least scruples of the efficacy of these my rules, do but come to the playhouse, and you shall judge of 'em by the effects.Smith.We'll follow you, sir.[Exeunt.Enter threePlayerson the stage.1st Play.Have you your part perfect?2nd Play.Yes, I have it without book; but I don't understand how it is to be spoken.3rd Play.And mine is such a one, as I can't guess for my life what humour I'm to be in; whether angry, melancholy, merry, or in love. I don't know what to make on't.1st Play.Phoo! the author will be here presently, and he'll tell us all. You must know, this is the new way of writing, and these hard things please forty times better than the old plain way. For, look you, sir, the grand design upon the stage is to keep the auditors in suspense; for to guess presently at the plot, and the sense, tires them before the end of the first act: now here, every line surprises you, and brings in new matter. And then, for scenes, clothes, and dances, we put quite down all that ever went before us; and those are the things, you know, that are essential to a play.2nd Play.Well, I am not of thy mind; but, so it gets us money, 'tis no great matter.EnterBayes,Johnson,andSmith.Bayes.Come, come in, gentlemen. You're very welcome, Mr.—a—. Ha' you your part ready?1st Play.Yes, sir.Bayes.But do you understand the true humour of it?1st Play.Ay, sir, pretty well.Bayes.And Amaryllis, how does she do? does not her armour become her?3rd Play.Oh, admirably!Bayes.I'll tell you now a pretty conceit. What do you think I'll make 'em call her anon, in this play?Smith.What, I pray?Bayes.Why, I make 'em call her Armaryllis, because of her armour: ha, ha, ha!Johns.That will be very well indeed.Bayes.Ay, 'tis a pretty little rogue; but—a—come, let's sit down. Look you, sirs, the chief hinge of this play, upon which the whole plot moves and turns, and that causes the variety of all the several accidents, which, you know, are the things in nature that make up the grand refinement of a play, is, that I suppose two kings of the same place; as for example, at Brentford, for I love to write familiarly. Now the people having the same relations to 'em both, the same affections, the same duty, the same obedience, and all that, are divided among themselves in point of devoir and interest, how to behave themselves equally between 'em: these kings differing sometimes in particular; though, in the main, they agree. (I know not whether I make myself well understood.)Johns.I did not observe you, sir: pray say that again.Bayes.Why, look you, sir (nay, I beseech you be a little curious in taking notice of this, or else you'll never understand my notion of the thing), the people being embarrass'd by their equal ties to both, and the sovereigns concern'd in a reciprocal regard, as well to their own interest, as the good of the people, make a certain kind of a—you understand me—upon which, there do arise several disputes, turmoils, heart-burnings, and all that—in fine, you'll apprehend it better when you see it.[Exit, to call the Players.Smith.I find the author will be very much obliged to the players, if they can make any sense out of this.EnterBayes.Bayes.Now, gentlemen, I would fain ask your opinion of one thing. I have made a prologue and an epilogue, which may both serve for either; that is, the prologue for the epilogue, or the epilogue for the prologue;[3](do you mark?) nay, they may both serve too, egad, for any other play as well as this.Smith.Very well; that's indeed artificial.Bayes.And I would fain ask your judgments, now, which of them would do best for the prologue? for, you must know there is, in nature, but two ways of making very good prologues: the one is by civility, by insinuation, good language, and all that, to—a—in a manner, steal your plaudit from the courtesy of the auditors: the other, by making use of some certain personal things, which may keep a hank upon such censuring persons, as cannot otherways, egad, in nature, be hindered from being too free with their tongues. To which end, my first prologue is, that I come out in a long black veil, and a great huge hangman behind me, with a furr'd cap, and his sword drawn; and there tell 'em plainly, that if out of good-nature, they will not like my play, egad, I'll e'en kneel down, and he shall cut my head off. Whereupon they all clapping—a—Smith.Ay, but suppose they don't.Bayes.Suppose! sir, you may suppose what you please; I have nothing to do with your suppose, sir; nor am at all mortified at it; not at all, sir; egad, not one jot, sir. Suppose, quoth-a!—ha, ha, ha![Walks away.Johns.Phoo! prithee, Bayes, don't mind what he says; he is a fellow newly come out of the country, he knows nothing of what's the relish, here, of the town.Bayes.If I writ, sir, to please the country, I should have follow'd the old plain way; but I write for some persons of quality, and peculiar friends of mine, that understand what flame and power in writing is; and they do me the right, sir, to approve of what I do.Johns.Ay, ay, they will clap, I warrant you; never fear it.Bayes.I'm sure the design's good; that cannot be denied. And then, for language, egad, I defy 'em all, in nature, to mend it. Besides, sir, I have printed above a hundred sheets of paper to insinuate the plot into the boxes;[4]and, withal, have appointed two or three dozen of my friends to be ready in the pit, who, I'm sure, will clap, and so the rest, you know, must follow; and then, pray, sir, what becomes of your suppose? Ha, ha, ha!Johns.Nay, if the business be so well laid, it cannot miss.Bayes.I think so, sir; and therefore would choose this to be the prologue. For, if I could engage 'em to clap, before they see the play, you know it would be so much the better; because then they were engag'd; for let a man write ever so well, there are, now-a-days, a sort of persons they call critics, that, egad, have no more wit in them than so many hobby-horses; but they'll laugh at you, sir, and find fault, and censure things that,egad, I'm sure, they are not able to do themselves. A sort of envious persons that emulate the glories of persons of parts, and think to build their fame by calumniating of persons[5]that, egad, to my knowledge, of all persons in the world, are, in nature, the persons that do as much despise all that as—a— In fine, I'll say no more of 'em.Johns.Nay, you have said enough of 'em, in all conscience; I'm sure more than they'll e'er be able to answer.Bayes.Why, I'll tell you, sir, sincerely andbonâ fide, were it not for the sake of some ingenious persons and choice female spirits, that have a value for me, I would see 'em all hang'd, egad, before I would e'er more set pen to paper, but let 'em live in ignorance like ingrates.Johns.Ay, marry! that were a way to be reveng'd of 'em indeed; and, if I were in your place, now, I would do so.Bayes.No, sir; there are certain ties upon me that I cannot be disengag'd from;[6]otherwise, I would. But pray, sir, how do you like my hangman?Smith.By my troth, sir, I should like him very well.Bayes.By how do you like it, sir? (for, I see, you can judge) would you have it for a prologue, or the epilogue?Johns.Faith, sir, 'tis so good, let it e'en serve for both.Bayes.No, no; that won't do. Besides, I have made another.Johns.What other, sir?Bayes.Why, sir, my other is Thunder and Lightning.Johns.That's greater; I'd rather stick to that.Bayes.Do you think so? I'll tell you then; tho' there have been many witty prologues written of late, yet, I think, you'll say this is anon pareillo: I'm sure nobody has hit upon it yet. For here, sir, I make my prologue to be a dialogue; and as, in my first, you see, I strive to oblige the auditors by civility, by good nature, good language, and all that; so, in this, by the other way,in terrorem, I choose for the persons Thunder and Lightning. Do you apprehend the conceit?Johns.Phoo, phoo! then you have it cock-sure. They'll be hang'd before they'll dare affront an author that has 'em at that lock.Bayes.I have made, too, one of the most delicate dainty similes in the whole world, egad, if I knew but how to apply it.Smith.Let's hear it, I pray you.

Smith.Your humble servant, sir.

Johns.But wilt thou do me a favour, now?

Bayes.Ay, sir, what is't?

Johns.Why, to tell him the meaning of thy last play.

Bayes.How, sir, the meaning? Do you mean the plot?

Johns.Ay, ay; anything.

Bayes.Faith, sir, the intrigo's now quite out of my head; but I have a new one in my pocket that I may say is a virgin; it has never yet been blown upon. I must tell you one thing: 'tis all new wit, and, though I say it, a better than my last; and you know well enough how that took. In fine, it shall read, and write, and act, and plot, and show, ay, and pit, box, and gallery, egad, with any play in Europe.[1]This morning is its last rehearsal, in their habits, and all that, as it is to be acted; and if you and your friend will do it but the honour to see it in its virgin attire; though, perhaps, it may blush, I shall not beashamed to discover its nakedness unto you. I think it is in this pocket.[Puts his hand in his pocket.

Johns.Sir, I confess I am not able to answer you in this new way; but if you please to lead, I shall be glad to follow you, and I hope my friend will do so too.

Smith.Sir, I have no business so considerable as should keep me from your company.

Bayes.Yes, here it is. No, cry you mercy: this is my book of Drama Commonplaces, the mother of many other plays.

Johns.Drama Commonplaces! pray what's that?

Bayes.Why, sir, some certain helps that we men of art have found it convenient to make use of.

Smith.How, sir, helps for wit?

Bayes.Ay, sir, that's my position. And I do here aver that no man yet the sun e'er shone upon has parts sufficient to furnish out a stage, except it were by the help of these my rules.[2]

Johns.What are those rules, I pray?

Bayes.Why, sir, my first rule is the rule of transversion, or Regula Duplex; changing verse into prose, or prose into verse,alternativèas you please.

Smith.Well; but how is this done by a rule, sir?

Bayes.Why thus, sir; nothing so easy when understood. I take a book in my hand, either at home or elsewhere, for that's all one; if there be any wit in't, as there is no book but has some, I transverse it; that is, if it be prose, put it into verse (but that takes up some time), and if it be verse, put it into prose.

Johns.Methinks, Mr. Bayes, that putting verse into prose should be called transprosing.

Bayes.By my troth, sir, 'tis a very good notion; and hereafter it shall be so.

Smith.Well, sir, and what d'ye do with it then?

Bayes.Make it my own. 'Tis so changed that no man can know it. My next rule is the rule of record, by way of table-book. Pray observe.

Johns.We hear you, sir; go on.

Bayes.As thus. I come into a coffee-house, or some other place where witty men resort, I make as if I minded nothing; do you mark? but as soon as any one speaks, pop I slap it down, and make that too my own.

Johns.But, Mr. Bayes, are you not sometimes in danger of their making you restore, by force, what you have gotten thus by art?

Bayes.No, sir; the world's unmindful: they never take notice of these things.

Smith.But pray, Mr. Bayes, among all your other rules, have you no one rule for invention?

Bayes.Yes, sir, that's my third rule that I have here in my pocket.

Smith.What rule can that be, I wonder?

Bayes.Why, sir, when I have anything to invent, I never trouble my head about it, as other men do; but presently turn over this book, and there I have, at one view, all that Persius, Montaigne, Seneca's Tragedies, Horace, Juvenal, Claudian, Pliny, Plutarch's Lives, and the rest, have ever thought upon this subject: and so, in a trice, by leaving out a few words, or putting in others of my own, the business is done.

Johns.Indeed, Mr. Bayes, this is as sure and compendious a way of wit as ever I heard of.

Bayes.Sir, if you make the least scruples of the efficacy of these my rules, do but come to the playhouse, and you shall judge of 'em by the effects.

Smith.We'll follow you, sir.[Exeunt.

Enter threePlayerson the stage.

1st Play.Have you your part perfect?

2nd Play.Yes, I have it without book; but I don't understand how it is to be spoken.

3rd Play.And mine is such a one, as I can't guess for my life what humour I'm to be in; whether angry, melancholy, merry, or in love. I don't know what to make on't.

1st Play.Phoo! the author will be here presently, and he'll tell us all. You must know, this is the new way of writing, and these hard things please forty times better than the old plain way. For, look you, sir, the grand design upon the stage is to keep the auditors in suspense; for to guess presently at the plot, and the sense, tires them before the end of the first act: now here, every line surprises you, and brings in new matter. And then, for scenes, clothes, and dances, we put quite down all that ever went before us; and those are the things, you know, that are essential to a play.

2nd Play.Well, I am not of thy mind; but, so it gets us money, 'tis no great matter.

EnterBayes,Johnson,andSmith.

Bayes.Come, come in, gentlemen. You're very welcome, Mr.—a—. Ha' you your part ready?

1st Play.Yes, sir.

Bayes.But do you understand the true humour of it?

1st Play.Ay, sir, pretty well.

Bayes.And Amaryllis, how does she do? does not her armour become her?

3rd Play.Oh, admirably!

Bayes.I'll tell you now a pretty conceit. What do you think I'll make 'em call her anon, in this play?

Smith.What, I pray?

Bayes.Why, I make 'em call her Armaryllis, because of her armour: ha, ha, ha!

Johns.That will be very well indeed.

Bayes.Ay, 'tis a pretty little rogue; but—a—come, let's sit down. Look you, sirs, the chief hinge of this play, upon which the whole plot moves and turns, and that causes the variety of all the several accidents, which, you know, are the things in nature that make up the grand refinement of a play, is, that I suppose two kings of the same place; as for example, at Brentford, for I love to write familiarly. Now the people having the same relations to 'em both, the same affections, the same duty, the same obedience, and all that, are divided among themselves in point of devoir and interest, how to behave themselves equally between 'em: these kings differing sometimes in particular; though, in the main, they agree. (I know not whether I make myself well understood.)

Johns.I did not observe you, sir: pray say that again.

Bayes.Why, look you, sir (nay, I beseech you be a little curious in taking notice of this, or else you'll never understand my notion of the thing), the people being embarrass'd by their equal ties to both, and the sovereigns concern'd in a reciprocal regard, as well to their own interest, as the good of the people, make a certain kind of a—you understand me—upon which, there do arise several disputes, turmoils, heart-burnings, and all that—in fine, you'll apprehend it better when you see it.

[Exit, to call the Players.

Smith.I find the author will be very much obliged to the players, if they can make any sense out of this.

EnterBayes.

Bayes.Now, gentlemen, I would fain ask your opinion of one thing. I have made a prologue and an epilogue, which may both serve for either; that is, the prologue for the epilogue, or the epilogue for the prologue;[3](do you mark?) nay, they may both serve too, egad, for any other play as well as this.

Smith.Very well; that's indeed artificial.

Bayes.And I would fain ask your judgments, now, which of them would do best for the prologue? for, you must know there is, in nature, but two ways of making very good prologues: the one is by civility, by insinuation, good language, and all that, to—a—in a manner, steal your plaudit from the courtesy of the auditors: the other, by making use of some certain personal things, which may keep a hank upon such censuring persons, as cannot otherways, egad, in nature, be hindered from being too free with their tongues. To which end, my first prologue is, that I come out in a long black veil, and a great huge hangman behind me, with a furr'd cap, and his sword drawn; and there tell 'em plainly, that if out of good-nature, they will not like my play, egad, I'll e'en kneel down, and he shall cut my head off. Whereupon they all clapping—a—

Smith.Ay, but suppose they don't.

Bayes.Suppose! sir, you may suppose what you please; I have nothing to do with your suppose, sir; nor am at all mortified at it; not at all, sir; egad, not one jot, sir. Suppose, quoth-a!—ha, ha, ha![Walks away.

Johns.Phoo! prithee, Bayes, don't mind what he says; he is a fellow newly come out of the country, he knows nothing of what's the relish, here, of the town.

Bayes.If I writ, sir, to please the country, I should have follow'd the old plain way; but I write for some persons of quality, and peculiar friends of mine, that understand what flame and power in writing is; and they do me the right, sir, to approve of what I do.

Johns.Ay, ay, they will clap, I warrant you; never fear it.

Bayes.I'm sure the design's good; that cannot be denied. And then, for language, egad, I defy 'em all, in nature, to mend it. Besides, sir, I have printed above a hundred sheets of paper to insinuate the plot into the boxes;[4]and, withal, have appointed two or three dozen of my friends to be ready in the pit, who, I'm sure, will clap, and so the rest, you know, must follow; and then, pray, sir, what becomes of your suppose? Ha, ha, ha!

Johns.Nay, if the business be so well laid, it cannot miss.

Bayes.I think so, sir; and therefore would choose this to be the prologue. For, if I could engage 'em to clap, before they see the play, you know it would be so much the better; because then they were engag'd; for let a man write ever so well, there are, now-a-days, a sort of persons they call critics, that, egad, have no more wit in them than so many hobby-horses; but they'll laugh at you, sir, and find fault, and censure things that,egad, I'm sure, they are not able to do themselves. A sort of envious persons that emulate the glories of persons of parts, and think to build their fame by calumniating of persons[5]that, egad, to my knowledge, of all persons in the world, are, in nature, the persons that do as much despise all that as—a— In fine, I'll say no more of 'em.

Johns.Nay, you have said enough of 'em, in all conscience; I'm sure more than they'll e'er be able to answer.

Bayes.Why, I'll tell you, sir, sincerely andbonâ fide, were it not for the sake of some ingenious persons and choice female spirits, that have a value for me, I would see 'em all hang'd, egad, before I would e'er more set pen to paper, but let 'em live in ignorance like ingrates.

Johns.Ay, marry! that were a way to be reveng'd of 'em indeed; and, if I were in your place, now, I would do so.

Bayes.No, sir; there are certain ties upon me that I cannot be disengag'd from;[6]otherwise, I would. But pray, sir, how do you like my hangman?

Smith.By my troth, sir, I should like him very well.

Bayes.By how do you like it, sir? (for, I see, you can judge) would you have it for a prologue, or the epilogue?

Johns.Faith, sir, 'tis so good, let it e'en serve for both.

Bayes.No, no; that won't do. Besides, I have made another.

Johns.What other, sir?

Bayes.Why, sir, my other is Thunder and Lightning.

Johns.That's greater; I'd rather stick to that.

Bayes.Do you think so? I'll tell you then; tho' there have been many witty prologues written of late, yet, I think, you'll say this is anon pareillo: I'm sure nobody has hit upon it yet. For here, sir, I make my prologue to be a dialogue; and as, in my first, you see, I strive to oblige the auditors by civility, by good nature, good language, and all that; so, in this, by the other way,in terrorem, I choose for the persons Thunder and Lightning. Do you apprehend the conceit?

Johns.Phoo, phoo! then you have it cock-sure. They'll be hang'd before they'll dare affront an author that has 'em at that lock.

Bayes.I have made, too, one of the most delicate dainty similes in the whole world, egad, if I knew but how to apply it.

Smith.Let's hear it, I pray you.

Bayes.'Tis an allusion to love.[7]"So boar and sow, when any storm is nigh,Snuff up, and smell it gath'ring in the sky;Boar beckons sow to trot in chestnut-groves,And there consummate their unfinish'd loves:Pensive in mud they wallow all alone,And snore and gruntle to each other's moan."

Bayes.'Tis an allusion to love.

[7]"So boar and sow, when any storm is nigh,

Snuff up, and smell it gath'ring in the sky;

Boar beckons sow to trot in chestnut-groves,

And there consummate their unfinish'd loves:

Pensive in mud they wallow all alone,

And snore and gruntle to each other's moan."

How do you like it now, ha?Johns.Faith, 'tis extraordinary fine; and very applicable to Thunder and Lightning, methinks, because it speaks of a storm.Bayes.Egad, and so it does, now I think on't: Mr. Johnson, I thank you; and I'll put it inprofecto. Come out, Thunder and Lightning.EnterThunderandLightning.Thun.I am the bold Thunder.Bayes.Mr. Cartwright, prithee speak that a little louder, and with a hoarse voice. I am the boldThunder: pshaw! speak it me in a voice that thunders it out indeed: I am the boldThunder.

How do you like it now, ha?

Johns.Faith, 'tis extraordinary fine; and very applicable to Thunder and Lightning, methinks, because it speaks of a storm.

Bayes.Egad, and so it does, now I think on't: Mr. Johnson, I thank you; and I'll put it inprofecto. Come out, Thunder and Lightning.

EnterThunderandLightning.

Thun.I am the bold Thunder.

Bayes.Mr. Cartwright, prithee speak that a little louder, and with a hoarse voice. I am the boldThunder: pshaw! speak it me in a voice that thunders it out indeed: I am the boldThunder.

Thun.I am the boldThunder.[8]Light.The brisk Lightning, I.Bayes.Nay, you must be quick and nimble.The briskLightning, I. That's my meaning.Thun.I am the bravest Hector of the sky.Light.And I fair Helen, that made Hector die.Thun.I strike men down.Light.I fire the town.Thun.Let critics take heed how they grumble,For then begin I for to rumble.Light.Let the ladies allow us their graces,Or I'll blast all the paint on their faces,And dry up their petre to soot.Thun.Let the critics look to't.Light.Let the ladies look to't.[9]Thun.For Thunder will do't.Light.For Lightning will shoot.Thun.I'll give you dash for dash.Light.I'll give you flash for flash.Gallants, I'll singe your feather.Thun.I'll thunder you together.Both.Look to't, look to't; we'll do't, we'll do't. Look to't,we'll do't.[Twice or thrice repeated.[Exeunt ambo.

Thun.I am the boldThunder.[8]

Light.The brisk Lightning, I.

Bayes.Nay, you must be quick and nimble.The briskLightning, I. That's my meaning.

Bayes.Nay, you must be quick and nimble.

The briskLightning, I. That's my meaning.

Thun.I am the bravest Hector of the sky.

Light.And I fair Helen, that made Hector die.

Thun.I strike men down.

Light.I fire the town.

Thun.Let critics take heed how they grumble,For then begin I for to rumble.

Thun.Let critics take heed how they grumble,

For then begin I for to rumble.

Light.Let the ladies allow us their graces,Or I'll blast all the paint on their faces,And dry up their petre to soot.

Light.Let the ladies allow us their graces,

Or I'll blast all the paint on their faces,

And dry up their petre to soot.

Thun.Let the critics look to't.

Light.Let the ladies look to't.[9]

Thun.For Thunder will do't.

Light.For Lightning will shoot.

Thun.I'll give you dash for dash.

Light.I'll give you flash for flash.Gallants, I'll singe your feather.

Light.I'll give you flash for flash.

Gallants, I'll singe your feather.

Thun.I'll thunder you together.

Both.Look to't, look to't; we'll do't, we'll do't. Look to't,we'll do't.[Twice or thrice repeated.[Exeunt ambo.

Both.Look to't, look to't; we'll do't, we'll do't. Look to't,

we'll do't.[Twice or thrice repeated.

[Exeunt ambo.

Bayes.There's no more. 'Tis but a flash of a prologue: a droll.Smith.Yes, 'tis short indeed; but very terrible.Bayes.Ay, when the simile's in, it will do to a miracle, egad.Come, come, begin the play.EnterFirst Player.1st Play.Sir, Mr. Ivory is not come yet; but he'll be here presently, he's but two doors off.[10]Bayes.Come then, gentlemen, let's go out and take a pipe of tobacco.[Exeunt.

Bayes.There's no more. 'Tis but a flash of a prologue: a droll.

Smith.Yes, 'tis short indeed; but very terrible.

Bayes.Ay, when the simile's in, it will do to a miracle, egad.Come, come, begin the play.

EnterFirst Player.

1st Play.Sir, Mr. Ivory is not come yet; but he'll be here presently, he's but two doors off.[10]

Bayes.Come then, gentlemen, let's go out and take a pipe of tobacco.[Exeunt.

Bayes,Johnson,andSmith.

Bayes.Now, sir, because I'll do nothing here that ever was done before, instead of beginning with a scene that discovers something of the plot, I begin this play with a whisper.[11]Smith.Umph! very new indeed.Bayes.Come, take your seats. Begin, sirs.EnterGentleman-UsherandPhysician.Phys.Sir, by your habit, I should guess you to be the Gentleman-usher of this sumptuous place.Ush.And by your gait and fashion, I should almost suspectyou rule the healths of both our noble kings, under the notion of Physician.Phys.You hit my function right.Ush.And you mine.Phys.Then let's embrace.Ush.Come.Phys.Come.Johns.Pray, sir, who are those so very civil persons?Bayes.Why, sir, the gentleman-usher and physician of the two kings of Brentford.Johns.But, pray then, how comes it to pass, that they know one another no better?Bayes.Phoo! that's for the better carrying on of the plot.Johns.Very well.Phys.Sir, to conclude.Smith.What, before he begins?Bayes.No, sir, you must know they had been talking of this a pretty while without.Smith.Where? in the tyring-room?Bayes.Why, ay, sir. He's so dull! come, speak again.Phys.Sir, to conclude, the place you fill has more than amply exacted the talents of a wary pilot; and all these threat'ning storms, which, like impregnate clouds, hover o'er our heads, will (when they once are grasped but by the eye of reason) melt into fruitful showers of blessings on the people.Bayes.Pray mark that allegory. Is not that good?Johns.Yes, that grasping of a storm with the eye is admirable.Phys.But yet some rumours great are stirring; and if Lorenzo should prove false (which none but the great gods can tell), you then perhaps would find that——[Whispers.Bayes.Now he whispers.Ush.Alone do you say?Phys.No, attended with the noble——[Whispers.Bayes.Again.Ush.Who, he in grey?Phys.Yes, and at the head of——[Whispers.Bayes.Pray mark.

Bayes.Now, sir, because I'll do nothing here that ever was done before, instead of beginning with a scene that discovers something of the plot, I begin this play with a whisper.[11]

Smith.Umph! very new indeed.

Bayes.Come, take your seats. Begin, sirs.

EnterGentleman-UsherandPhysician.

Phys.Sir, by your habit, I should guess you to be the Gentleman-usher of this sumptuous place.

Ush.And by your gait and fashion, I should almost suspectyou rule the healths of both our noble kings, under the notion of Physician.

Phys.You hit my function right.

Ush.And you mine.

Phys.Then let's embrace.

Ush.Come.

Phys.Come.

Johns.Pray, sir, who are those so very civil persons?

Bayes.Why, sir, the gentleman-usher and physician of the two kings of Brentford.

Johns.But, pray then, how comes it to pass, that they know one another no better?

Bayes.Phoo! that's for the better carrying on of the plot.

Johns.Very well.

Phys.Sir, to conclude.

Smith.What, before he begins?

Bayes.No, sir, you must know they had been talking of this a pretty while without.

Smith.Where? in the tyring-room?

Bayes.Why, ay, sir. He's so dull! come, speak again.

Phys.Sir, to conclude, the place you fill has more than amply exacted the talents of a wary pilot; and all these threat'ning storms, which, like impregnate clouds, hover o'er our heads, will (when they once are grasped but by the eye of reason) melt into fruitful showers of blessings on the people.

Bayes.Pray mark that allegory. Is not that good?

Johns.Yes, that grasping of a storm with the eye is admirable.

Phys.But yet some rumours great are stirring; and if Lorenzo should prove false (which none but the great gods can tell), you then perhaps would find that——

[Whispers.

Bayes.Now he whispers.

Ush.Alone do you say?

Phys.No, attended with the noble——[Whispers.

Bayes.Again.

Ush.Who, he in grey?

Phys.Yes, and at the head of——[Whispers.

Bayes.Pray mark.

Ush.Then, sir, most certain 'twill in time appear,These are the reasons that have mov'd him to't;First, he——[Whispers.

Ush.Then, sir, most certain 'twill in time appear,

These are the reasons that have mov'd him to't;

First, he——[Whispers.

Bayes.Now the other whispers.Ush.Secondly, they——[Whispers.Bayes.At it still.Ush.Thirdly, and lastly, both he and they——[Whispers.Bayes.Now they both whisper.[Exeunt whispering.Now, gentlemen, pray tell me true, and without flattery, is not this a very odd beginning of a play?Johns.In troth, I think it is, sir. But why two kings of the same place?Bayes.Why, because it's new, and that's it I aim at. I despise your Jonson and Beaumont, that borrowed all they writ from nature: I am for fetching it purely out of my own fancy, I.Smith.But what think you of Sir John Suckling?Bayes.By gad, I am a better poet than he.Smith.Well, sir, but pray why all this whispering?Bayes.Why, sir (besides that it is new, as I told you before), because they are supposed to be politicians, and matters of state ought not to be divulg'd.Smith.But then, sir, why——Bayes.Sir, if you'll but respite your curiosity till the end of the fifth act, you'll find it a piece of patience not ill recompensed.[Goes to the door.Johns.How dost thou like this, Frank? Is it not just as I told thee?Smith.Why, I never did before this see anything in nature, and all that (as Mr. Bayes says) so foolish, but I could give some guess at what moved the fop to do it; but this, I confess, does go beyond my reach.Johns.It is all alike; Mr. Wintershull[12]has informed me of this play already. And I'll tell thee, Frank, thou shalt not see one scene here worth one farthing, or like anything thou canst imagine has ever been the practice of the world. And then, when he comes to what he calls good language, it is, as I told thee, very fantastical, most abominably dull, and not one word to the purpose.Smith.It does surprise me, I'm sure, very much.Johns.Ay, but it won't do so long: by that time thou hast seen a play or two, that I'll show thee, thou wilt be pretty well acquainted with this new kind of foppery.Smith.Plague on't, but there's no pleasure in him: he's too gross a fool to be laugh'd at.EnterBayes.Johns.I'll swear, Mr. Bayes, you have done this scene most admirably; tho' I must tell you, sir, it is a very difficult matter to pen a whisper well.Bayes.Ay, gentlemen, when you come to write yourselves, on my word, you'll find it so.Johns.Have a care of what you say, Mr. Bayes; for Mr. Smith there, I assure you, has written a great many fine things already.Bayes.Has he, i'fackins? why then pray, sir, how do you do when you write?Smith.Faith, sir, for the most part, I am in pretty good health.Bayes.Ay, but I mean, what do you do when you write?Smith.I take pen, ink, and paper, and sit down.Bayes.Now I write standing; that's one thing; and then another thing is, with what do you prepare yourself?Smith.Prepare myself! what the devil does the fool mean?Bayes.Why, I'll tell you, now, what I do. If I am to write familiar things, as sonnets to Armida, and the like, I make use of stew'd prunes only: but, when I have a grand design in hand, I ever take physic, and let blood; for, when you would have pure swiftness of thought, and fiery flights of fancy, you must have a care of the pensive part. In fine, you must purge the stomach.Smith.By my troth, sir, this is a most admirable receipt for writing.Bayes.Ay, 'tis my secret; and, in good earnest, I think one of the best I have.Smith.In good faith, sir, and that may very well be.Bayes.May be, sir? Egad, I'm sure on't:Experto crede Roberto.But I must give you this caution by the way, be sure you never take snuff,[13]when you write.Smith.Why so, sir?Bayes.Why, it spoil'd me once, egad, one of the sparkishest plays in all England. But a friend of mine, at Gresham College, has promised to help me to some spirit of brains, and, egad, that shall do my business.

Bayes.Now the other whispers.

Ush.Secondly, they——[Whispers.

Bayes.At it still.

Ush.Thirdly, and lastly, both he and they——[Whispers.

Bayes.Now they both whisper.[Exeunt whispering.

Now, gentlemen, pray tell me true, and without flattery, is not this a very odd beginning of a play?

Johns.In troth, I think it is, sir. But why two kings of the same place?

Bayes.Why, because it's new, and that's it I aim at. I despise your Jonson and Beaumont, that borrowed all they writ from nature: I am for fetching it purely out of my own fancy, I.

Smith.But what think you of Sir John Suckling?

Bayes.By gad, I am a better poet than he.

Smith.Well, sir, but pray why all this whispering?

Bayes.Why, sir (besides that it is new, as I told you before), because they are supposed to be politicians, and matters of state ought not to be divulg'd.

Smith.But then, sir, why——

Bayes.Sir, if you'll but respite your curiosity till the end of the fifth act, you'll find it a piece of patience not ill recompensed.[Goes to the door.

Johns.How dost thou like this, Frank? Is it not just as I told thee?

Smith.Why, I never did before this see anything in nature, and all that (as Mr. Bayes says) so foolish, but I could give some guess at what moved the fop to do it; but this, I confess, does go beyond my reach.

Johns.It is all alike; Mr. Wintershull[12]has informed me of this play already. And I'll tell thee, Frank, thou shalt not see one scene here worth one farthing, or like anything thou canst imagine has ever been the practice of the world. And then, when he comes to what he calls good language, it is, as I told thee, very fantastical, most abominably dull, and not one word to the purpose.

Smith.It does surprise me, I'm sure, very much.

Johns.Ay, but it won't do so long: by that time thou hast seen a play or two, that I'll show thee, thou wilt be pretty well acquainted with this new kind of foppery.

Smith.Plague on't, but there's no pleasure in him: he's too gross a fool to be laugh'd at.

EnterBayes.

Johns.I'll swear, Mr. Bayes, you have done this scene most admirably; tho' I must tell you, sir, it is a very difficult matter to pen a whisper well.

Bayes.Ay, gentlemen, when you come to write yourselves, on my word, you'll find it so.

Johns.Have a care of what you say, Mr. Bayes; for Mr. Smith there, I assure you, has written a great many fine things already.

Bayes.Has he, i'fackins? why then pray, sir, how do you do when you write?

Smith.Faith, sir, for the most part, I am in pretty good health.

Bayes.Ay, but I mean, what do you do when you write?

Smith.I take pen, ink, and paper, and sit down.

Bayes.Now I write standing; that's one thing; and then another thing is, with what do you prepare yourself?

Smith.Prepare myself! what the devil does the fool mean?

Bayes.Why, I'll tell you, now, what I do. If I am to write familiar things, as sonnets to Armida, and the like, I make use of stew'd prunes only: but, when I have a grand design in hand, I ever take physic, and let blood; for, when you would have pure swiftness of thought, and fiery flights of fancy, you must have a care of the pensive part. In fine, you must purge the stomach.

Smith.By my troth, sir, this is a most admirable receipt for writing.

Bayes.Ay, 'tis my secret; and, in good earnest, I think one of the best I have.

Smith.In good faith, sir, and that may very well be.

Bayes.May be, sir? Egad, I'm sure on't:Experto crede Roberto.But I must give you this caution by the way, be sure you never take snuff,[13]when you write.

Smith.Why so, sir?

Bayes.Why, it spoil'd me once, egad, one of the sparkishest plays in all England. But a friend of mine, at Gresham College, has promised to help me to some spirit of brains, and, egad, that shall do my business.

SceneII.

Enter the twoKings,hand in hand.Bayes.Oh, these are now the two kings of Brentford; take notice of their style, 'twas never yet upon the stage: but if you like it, I could make a shift perhaps to show you a whole play, writ all just so.1st King.Did you observe their whispers, brother king?

Enter the twoKings,hand in hand.

Bayes.Oh, these are now the two kings of Brentford; take notice of their style, 'twas never yet upon the stage: but if you like it, I could make a shift perhaps to show you a whole play, writ all just so.

1st King.Did you observe their whispers, brother king?

2nd King.I did, and heard, besides, a grave bird sing,That they intend, sweetheart, to play us pranks.Bayes.This is now familiar, because they are both persons of the same quality.Smith.S'death, this would make a man sick.1st King.If that design appears,I'll lug them by the ears,Until I make 'em crack.2nd King.And so will I, i'fack.1st King.You must begin,Ma foy.2nd King.Sweet sir,Pardonnez moy.Bayes.Mark that; I make 'em both speak French, to show their breeding.Johns.Oh, 'tis extraordinary fine!2nd King.Then spite of fate, we'll thus combined stand,And, like two brothers, walk still hand in hand.[Exeunt Reges.

2nd King.I did, and heard, besides, a grave bird sing,That they intend, sweetheart, to play us pranks.

2nd King.I did, and heard, besides, a grave bird sing,

That they intend, sweetheart, to play us pranks.

Bayes.This is now familiar, because they are both persons of the same quality.

Smith.S'death, this would make a man sick.

1st King.If that design appears,I'll lug them by the ears,Until I make 'em crack.

1st King.If that design appears,

I'll lug them by the ears,

Until I make 'em crack.

2nd King.And so will I, i'fack.

1st King.You must begin,Ma foy.

2nd King.Sweet sir,Pardonnez moy.

Bayes.Mark that; I make 'em both speak French, to show their breeding.

Johns.Oh, 'tis extraordinary fine!

2nd King.Then spite of fate, we'll thus combined stand,And, like two brothers, walk still hand in hand.[Exeunt Reges.

2nd King.Then spite of fate, we'll thus combined stand,

And, like two brothers, walk still hand in hand.[Exeunt Reges.

Johns.This is a majestic scene indeed.Bayes.Ay, 'tis a crust, a lasting crust for your rogue-critics, egad: I would fain see the proudest of 'em all but dare to nibble at this; egad, if they do, this shall rub their gums for 'em, I promise you. It was I, you must know, that have written a whole play just in this very same style; it was never acted yet.Johns.How so?Bayes.Egad, I can hardly tell you for laughing: ha, ha, ha! it is so pleasant a story: ha, ha, ha!Smith.What is't?Bayes.Egad, the players refuse to act it. Ha, ha, ha!Smith.That's impossible!Bayes.Egad, they did it, sir; point-blank refus'd it, egad, ha, ha, ha!Johns.Fie, that was rude.Bayes.Rude! ay, egad, they are the rudest, uncivillest persons, and all that, in the whole world, egad. Egad, there's no living with 'em. I have written, Mr. Johnson, I do verily believe, a whole cartload of things, every whit as good as this; and yet, I vow to gad, these insolent rascals have turn'd 'em all back upon my hands again.Johns.Strange fellows indeed!Smith.But pray, Mr. Bayes, how came these two kings to know of this whisper? for, as I remember, they were not present at it.Bayes.No, but that's the actors' fault, and not mine; for the two kings should (a plague take 'em) have popp'd both their heads in at the door, just as the other went off.Smith.That indeed would have done it.Bayes.Done it! ay, egad, these fellows are able to spoil the best things in Christendom. I'll tell you, Mr. Johnson, I vow to gad, I have been so highly disoblig'd by the peremptoriness of these fellows, that I'm resolved hereafter to bend my thoughts wholly for the service of the nursery, and mump your proud players, egad. So, now Prince Prettyman comes in, and falls asleep, making love to his mistress; which you know was a grand intrigue in a late play, written by a very honest gentleman, a knight.[14]

Johns.This is a majestic scene indeed.

Bayes.Ay, 'tis a crust, a lasting crust for your rogue-critics, egad: I would fain see the proudest of 'em all but dare to nibble at this; egad, if they do, this shall rub their gums for 'em, I promise you. It was I, you must know, that have written a whole play just in this very same style; it was never acted yet.

Johns.How so?

Bayes.Egad, I can hardly tell you for laughing: ha, ha, ha! it is so pleasant a story: ha, ha, ha!

Smith.What is't?

Bayes.Egad, the players refuse to act it. Ha, ha, ha!

Smith.That's impossible!

Bayes.Egad, they did it, sir; point-blank refus'd it, egad, ha, ha, ha!

Johns.Fie, that was rude.

Bayes.Rude! ay, egad, they are the rudest, uncivillest persons, and all that, in the whole world, egad. Egad, there's no living with 'em. I have written, Mr. Johnson, I do verily believe, a whole cartload of things, every whit as good as this; and yet, I vow to gad, these insolent rascals have turn'd 'em all back upon my hands again.

Johns.Strange fellows indeed!

Smith.But pray, Mr. Bayes, how came these two kings to know of this whisper? for, as I remember, they were not present at it.

Bayes.No, but that's the actors' fault, and not mine; for the two kings should (a plague take 'em) have popp'd both their heads in at the door, just as the other went off.

Smith.That indeed would have done it.

Bayes.Done it! ay, egad, these fellows are able to spoil the best things in Christendom. I'll tell you, Mr. Johnson, I vow to gad, I have been so highly disoblig'd by the peremptoriness of these fellows, that I'm resolved hereafter to bend my thoughts wholly for the service of the nursery, and mump your proud players, egad. So, now Prince Prettyman comes in, and falls asleep, making love to his mistress; which you know was a grand intrigue in a late play, written by a very honest gentleman, a knight.[14]

Scene III.

EnterPrince Prettyman.

Pret.How strange a captive am I grown of late!Shall I accuse my love, or blame my fate!My love, I cannot; that is too divine:And against fate what mortal dares repine?[15]EnterChloris.But here she comes.Sure 'tis some blazing comet! is it not![Lies down.Bayes.Blazing comet! mark that, egad, very fine!Pret.But I am so surpris'd with sleep, I cannot speak the rest.[Sleeps.

Pret.How strange a captive am I grown of late!Shall I accuse my love, or blame my fate!My love, I cannot; that is too divine:And against fate what mortal dares repine?[15]

Pret.How strange a captive am I grown of late!

Shall I accuse my love, or blame my fate!

My love, I cannot; that is too divine:

And against fate what mortal dares repine?[15]

EnterChloris.

But here she comes.Sure 'tis some blazing comet! is it not![Lies down.

But here she comes.

Sure 'tis some blazing comet! is it not![Lies down.

Bayes.Blazing comet! mark that, egad, very fine!

Pret.But I am so surpris'd with sleep, I cannot speak the rest.[Sleeps.

Bayes.Does not that, now, surprise you, to fall asleep in the nick? his spirits exhale with the heat of his passion, and all that, and swop he falls asleep, as you see. Now here she must make a simile.Smith.Where's the necessity of that, Mr. Bayes?Bayes.Because she's surpris'd. That's a general rule; you must ever make a simile when you are surpris'd; 'tis the new way of writing.

Smith.Where's the necessity of that, Mr. Bayes?

Bayes.Because she's surpris'd. That's a general rule; you must ever make a simile when you are surpris'd; 'tis the new way of writing.

Cloris.[16]As some tall pine, which we on Ætna findT' have stood the rage of many a boist'rous wind,Feeling without that flames within do play,Which would consume his root and sap away;He spreads his worsted arms unto the skies,Silently grieves, all pale, repines and dies:So shrouded up, your bright eye disappears.Break forth, bright scorching sun, and dry my tears.[Exit.

Cloris.[16]As some tall pine, which we on Ætna find

T' have stood the rage of many a boist'rous wind,

Feeling without that flames within do play,

Which would consume his root and sap away;

He spreads his worsted arms unto the skies,

Silently grieves, all pale, repines and dies:

So shrouded up, your bright eye disappears.

Break forth, bright scorching sun, and dry my tears.[Exit.

Johns.Mr. Bayes, methinks this simile wants a little application too.Bayes.No, faith; for it alludes to passion, to consuming, to dying, and all that; which, you know, are the natural effects of an amour. But I'm afraid this scene has made you sad; for, I must confess, when I writ it, I wept myself.Smith.No truly, sir, my spirits are almost exhal'd too, and I am likelier to fall asleep.Prince Prettymanstarts up, and says—Pret.It is resolved![Exit.Bayes.That's all.Smith.Mr. Bayes, may one be so bold as to ask you one question, now, and you not be angry?Bayes.O Lord, sir, you may ask me anything; what you please; I vow to gad, you do me a great deal of honour: you do not know me, if you say that, sir.Smith.Then pray, sir, what is it that this prince here has resolved in his sleep?Bayes.Why, I must confess, that question is well enough asked, for one that is not acquainted with this new way of writing. But you must know, sir, that to outdo all my fellow-writers, whereas they keep their intrigo secret, till the very last scene before the dance; I now, sir (do you mark me?)—a—Smith.Begin the play, and end it, without ever opening the plot at all?Bayes.I do so, that's the very plain truth on't: ha, ha, ha! I do, egad. If they cannot find it out themselves, e'en let 'em alone for Bayes, I warrant you. But here, now, is a scene of business: pray observe it; for I dare say you'll think it no unwise discourse this, nor ill argued. To tell you true, 'tis a discourse I overheard once betwixt two grand, sober, governing persons.

Johns.Mr. Bayes, methinks this simile wants a little application too.

Bayes.No, faith; for it alludes to passion, to consuming, to dying, and all that; which, you know, are the natural effects of an amour. But I'm afraid this scene has made you sad; for, I must confess, when I writ it, I wept myself.

Smith.No truly, sir, my spirits are almost exhal'd too, and I am likelier to fall asleep.

Prince Prettymanstarts up, and says—

Pret.It is resolved![Exit.

Bayes.That's all.

Smith.Mr. Bayes, may one be so bold as to ask you one question, now, and you not be angry?

Bayes.O Lord, sir, you may ask me anything; what you please; I vow to gad, you do me a great deal of honour: you do not know me, if you say that, sir.

Smith.Then pray, sir, what is it that this prince here has resolved in his sleep?

Bayes.Why, I must confess, that question is well enough asked, for one that is not acquainted with this new way of writing. But you must know, sir, that to outdo all my fellow-writers, whereas they keep their intrigo secret, till the very last scene before the dance; I now, sir (do you mark me?)—a—

Smith.Begin the play, and end it, without ever opening the plot at all?

Bayes.I do so, that's the very plain truth on't: ha, ha, ha! I do, egad. If they cannot find it out themselves, e'en let 'em alone for Bayes, I warrant you. But here, now, is a scene of business: pray observe it; for I dare say you'll think it no unwise discourse this, nor ill argued. To tell you true, 'tis a discourse I overheard once betwixt two grand, sober, governing persons.

Scene IV.

EnterGentleman-UsherandPhysician.Ush.Come, sir; let's state the matter of fact, and lay our heads together.Phys.Right; lay our heads together. I love to be merry sometimes; but when a knotty point comes, I lay my head close to it, with a snuff-box in my hand; and then I fegue it away, i'faith.Bayes.I do just so, egad, always.Ush.The grand question is, whether they heard us whisper? which I divide thus.Phys.Yes, it must be divided so indeed.Smith.That's very complaisant, I swear, Mr. Bayes, to be of another man's opinion, before he knows what it is.Bayes.Nay, I bring in none here but well-bred persons, I assure you.Ush.I divide the question into when they heard, what they heard, and whether they heard or no.Johns.Most admirably divided, I swear!Ush.As to the when; you say, just now: so that is answer'd. Then, as for what; why, that answers itself; for what could they hear, but what we talk'd of? so that, naturally, and of necessity, we come to the last question,videlicet, whether they heard or no.Smith.This is a very wise scene, Mr. Bayes.Bayes.Ay, you have it right; they are both politicians.Ush.Pray, then, to proceed in method, let me ask you that question.Phys.No, you'll answer better; pray let me ask it you.Ush.Your will must be a law.Phys.Come, then, what is't I must ask?Smith.This politician, I perceive, Mr. Bayes, has somewhat a short memory.Bayes.Why, sir, you must know, that t'other is the main politician, and this is but his pupil.Ush.You must ask me whether they heard us whisper.Phys.Well, I do so.Ush.Say it then.Smith.Heyday! here's the bravest work that ever I saw.Johns.This is mighty methodical.Bayes.Ay, sir; that's the way; 'tis the way of art; there is no other way, egad, in business.Phys.Did they hear us whisper?Ush.Why, truly, I can't tell; there's much to be said upon the word whisper: to whisper in Latin issusurrare, which is as much as to say, to speak softly; now, if they heard us speak softly, they heard us whisper; but then comes in thequomodo, thehow; how did they hear us whisper? why as to that, there are two ways: the one, by chance or accident; the other, on purpose; that is, with design to hear us whisper.Phys.Nay, if they heard us that way, I'll never give them physic more.Ush.Nor I e'er more will walk abroad before 'em.Bayes.Pray mark this, for a great deal depends upon it, towards the latter end of the play.Smith.I suppose that's the reason why you brought in this scene, Mr. Bayes.Bayes.Partly, it was, sir; but I confess I was not unwilling, besides, to show the world a pattern, here, how men should talk of business.Johns.You have done it exceeding well indeed.Bayes.Yes, I think this will do.Phys.Well, if they heard us whisper, they will turn us out, and nobody else will take us.

EnterGentleman-UsherandPhysician.

Ush.Come, sir; let's state the matter of fact, and lay our heads together.

Phys.Right; lay our heads together. I love to be merry sometimes; but when a knotty point comes, I lay my head close to it, with a snuff-box in my hand; and then I fegue it away, i'faith.

Bayes.I do just so, egad, always.

Ush.The grand question is, whether they heard us whisper? which I divide thus.

Phys.Yes, it must be divided so indeed.

Smith.That's very complaisant, I swear, Mr. Bayes, to be of another man's opinion, before he knows what it is.

Bayes.Nay, I bring in none here but well-bred persons, I assure you.

Ush.I divide the question into when they heard, what they heard, and whether they heard or no.

Johns.Most admirably divided, I swear!

Ush.As to the when; you say, just now: so that is answer'd. Then, as for what; why, that answers itself; for what could they hear, but what we talk'd of? so that, naturally, and of necessity, we come to the last question,videlicet, whether they heard or no.

Smith.This is a very wise scene, Mr. Bayes.

Bayes.Ay, you have it right; they are both politicians.

Ush.Pray, then, to proceed in method, let me ask you that question.

Phys.No, you'll answer better; pray let me ask it you.

Ush.Your will must be a law.

Phys.Come, then, what is't I must ask?

Smith.This politician, I perceive, Mr. Bayes, has somewhat a short memory.

Bayes.Why, sir, you must know, that t'other is the main politician, and this is but his pupil.

Ush.You must ask me whether they heard us whisper.

Phys.Well, I do so.

Ush.Say it then.

Smith.Heyday! here's the bravest work that ever I saw.

Johns.This is mighty methodical.

Bayes.Ay, sir; that's the way; 'tis the way of art; there is no other way, egad, in business.

Phys.Did they hear us whisper?

Ush.Why, truly, I can't tell; there's much to be said upon the word whisper: to whisper in Latin issusurrare, which is as much as to say, to speak softly; now, if they heard us speak softly, they heard us whisper; but then comes in thequomodo, thehow; how did they hear us whisper? why as to that, there are two ways: the one, by chance or accident; the other, on purpose; that is, with design to hear us whisper.

Phys.Nay, if they heard us that way, I'll never give them physic more.

Ush.Nor I e'er more will walk abroad before 'em.

Bayes.Pray mark this, for a great deal depends upon it, towards the latter end of the play.

Smith.I suppose that's the reason why you brought in this scene, Mr. Bayes.

Bayes.Partly, it was, sir; but I confess I was not unwilling, besides, to show the world a pattern, here, how men should talk of business.

Johns.You have done it exceeding well indeed.

Bayes.Yes, I think this will do.

Phys.Well, if they heard us whisper, they will turn us out, and nobody else will take us.

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