Good Advice

* * *

“Mother, may I go out to skate?”“Yes, my darling Julia,But don’t you try the figure 8,For it will surely fool ya!Just as you make a fancy whirlTo show your springy muscle,The boys will see a foolish girl,Sleigh-riding on her bustle.”—Brutus.

“Mother, may I go out to skate?”

“Yes, my darling Julia,

But don’t you try the figure 8,

For it will surely fool ya!

Just as you make a fancy whirl

To show your springy muscle,

The boys will see a foolish girl,

Sleigh-riding on her bustle.”

—Brutus.

* * *

Patrons depositing in this bank are respectfully requested not to leave any small change on the counter.

Natchez must indeed be careless.

* * *

We will now sing: “The Liveryman’s Sweet Daughter; All But Me Knew Her.”

* * *

“Sweet Patootie!” gasped the bee, as he pushed his head high enough to get a breath of fresh air, “Bees may come and bees may go, but the Bull goes on forever.”

* * *

“Batter up for the wheatcakes,” shouted the cook in the beanery, who was an ex-umpire.

* * *

A successful magazine cover is one that has very little cover for the girl.

* * *

I wish I was a fish,A-frozen in the ice;Then I could watch the girlies skate;Oh, wouldn’t that be nice!

I wish I was a fish,

A-frozen in the ice;

Then I could watch the girlies skate;

Oh, wouldn’t that be nice!

* * *

Pure water is the best of gifts,That man to man can bring;But who am I that I should haveThe best of anything?Let princes revel at the pump,Peers with the pond make free,But old time bourbon, wine, or beerAre good enough for me.

Pure water is the best of gifts,

That man to man can bring;

But who am I that I should have

The best of anything?

Let princes revel at the pump,

Peers with the pond make free,

But old time bourbon, wine, or beer

Are good enough for me.

* * *

“Here’s to the short skirt and the low waist. May they never meet.”

* * *

Most of us keep at least one eye on the temptation we pray not to be led into.

* * *

No, Aloysius, Easter Sunday is not related to Billy Sunday.

* * *

I got a man,Won’t tell you his name,Cause your manAnd my manMay be the same.

I got a man,

Won’t tell you his name,

Cause your man

And my man

May be the same.

* * *

Solomon’s interpretation of the white slave law:

Love them where you find them and leave them where you love them.

* * *

Pat and Mike, working on a night shift in a mill, decide that their work can be done by one, and arranged that they would alternate on the job after the boss went home at midnight.

The first night it was Pat’s turn to go home. A half hour later he surprised Mike by rushing into the mill and hurrying into his overalls.

“Mike,” he exclaimed, “I nearly got caught. I was just about to walk into my home when I saw, through the window, the boss eating a midnight supper with my wife.”

* * *

Here’s to Gretchen in the kitchenFrying doughnuts in the grease,With her lover bending o’er her,Coaxing, begging for a pieceOf the doughnuts in the grease.

Here’s to Gretchen in the kitchen

Frying doughnuts in the grease,

With her lover bending o’er her,

Coaxing, begging for a piece

Of the doughnuts in the grease.

* * *

Little Miss Muffet, who sat on a tuffet,Eating her lunch one day,When a speeder espied her and drew up beside her,And both of ’em beat it away.

Little Miss Muffet, who sat on a tuffet,

Eating her lunch one day,

When a speeder espied her and drew up beside her,

And both of ’em beat it away.

* * *

We cannot see any head or tail to this story, but as my good friend Neely sent it in, I’ll publish it for his benefit.—CAPTAIN BILLY.

A young man had an appointment for a lesson in phrenology and also an appointment to meet his sweetheart. He was undecided which to keep, when the girl telephoned. Learning of his difficulties, she asked him if he had a coin in his pocket. He replied affirmatively.

“Well, flip it,” she said.

* * *

Scene: Hotel verandah in Rhodesia. Time, 8:30 a. m., early 1919.

Personae: A South African Scottish N. C. O. in the garb of old Gael, and civilian, to whom the former is telling the war tale.

Enter Indian waiter, who breathlessly addresses the soldier:

“You are wanted, sir, at once, at Room 23, and the lady says she feels bad this morning.”

“Great Scot! What lady? Excuse me, you fellows.” Precedes his hasty flight upstairs, where he had already noted that morning the presence of a very dainty pair of lady’s shoes outside the door of No. 23.

Knocking at the door, it was partially opened, and the fair unknown, peeping through the crack, no sooner caught sight of the kiltie than she exclaimed:

“My God! What do you want here?”

Soldier: “The coolie waiter said you wanted me badly.”

Lady: “The ⸺ fool! Why, I sent him for a Scotch and soda!”

* * *

I was born in Kentucky,Raised in Tennessee.If you don’t like my peaches,Don’t shake my tree.Oh, tell me how longMust I have to wait,Will you jazz with me nowOr must I hesitate.

I was born in Kentucky,

Raised in Tennessee.

If you don’t like my peaches,

Don’t shake my tree.

Oh, tell me how long

Must I have to wait,

Will you jazz with me now

Or must I hesitate.

Classified Ads

(From the Mount Horeb, Wis., Times.)

Krohen Bros. have been doing a land-office business butchering hags for individual families in town.

* * *

(From the Clarendon (Eng.) Mercury.)

WANTED—A really plain but experienced and efficient governess for three girls, eldest 10. Music, French and Latin required. Brilliancy of conversation, fascination of manner, and symmetry of form objected to, as the father is much at home, and there are grown-up sons.

* * *

(Sign in Seattle Street Car.)

The beautiful mausoleum at Washelli cemetery affords a royal resting place for those that sleep in death. For directions to get there, phone Ballard 1850.

* * *

(Advertisement in Indianapolis Star.)

Oh, so warm! Ankle length satin bloomers, with the prettiest shirred cuff. It’s the quality of soft satin you like to feel against your cheek.

* * *

(From Keene, N. H., Democrat.)

There will be a bean supper, at the First Unitarian Church, on Saturday night, followed by a musical programme.

* * *

(From the Des Moines Tribune.)

If party who stole Cadillac car Saturday will return pictures and films taken from car he can keep car. Pictures are priceless and impossible to replace. Mail to Des Moines Photo Materials Co.

* * *

(From New Orleans Times Picayune.)

With private uptown or Carrollton, by young man. When at home I read or sleep, both quietly.

* * *

(From Honolulu Star-Bulletin.)

WANTED—Young woman to share apartment on beach.

* * *

(From the Davenport Democrat and Leader)

Rev. Mr. Rewlands gave his address following the supper hour, and about 75 women of the congregation were present to hear him. His subject was: “The Kind of Service Men Can Render to the Church and to the World.”

* * *

(From the Hampton, Iowa, Chronicle)

The thieves took everything else he had in the room. Mr. Ferris borrowed a pair of pants from the housemaid while he went out to a store and secured a pair of shoes, socks, etc.

* * *

Man proposes—but not always marriage.

* * *

Sandy, the office manager, approached Annie, the stenographer, for another loan of $10. It was a weekly occurrence and always had been granted.

“Well, Miss Laurie, here I am again to borrow the usual ten spot,” he said. “Funny isn’t it? Here I am making three times as much money as you, and yet I have to borrow from you every week. You always have money on hand, and I feel ashamed to ask you for another loan.”

“Oh, that’s all right,” replied Annie, “I haven’t as much money as you think, but I have borrowed from the boss and always manage to hoard a little bit.”

“The deuce you do!” exclaimed Sandy. “That’s what I have been doing with your ten spots.”

* * *

There was a young chicken named RoseWho wore the most wonderful hoseThey set the men staringBut she wasn’t caringFor that’s why she wore ’em, I s’pose.

There was a young chicken named Rose

Who wore the most wonderful hose

They set the men staring

But she wasn’t caring

For that’s why she wore ’em, I s’pose.

* * *

“Martha, have you wiped the sink dry yet?” asked the farmer as he made ready for bed.

“Yes, Joshua, why do you ask!”

“Well, I did want a drink of water, but I guess I can wait until morning.”

* * *

We’ve heard lots of gossip from Hollywood, but it takes a Philadelphia “questions and answers” editor to win the rubber medal, in the following:

Q.—Who is the movie actress whose horse ran away with her recently?A.—This blushing experience befell May Allison recently while enacting the famous ride of Lady Godiva in Hollywood. The scene was made at night and (Miss Allison clad only in a long flowing blonde wig) was riding her horse down the street when the animal took fright at the brilliant lights and made a bolt for a public street.

Q.—Who is the movie actress whose horse ran away with her recently?

A.—This blushing experience befell May Allison recently while enacting the famous ride of Lady Godiva in Hollywood. The scene was made at night and (Miss Allison clad only in a long flowing blonde wig) was riding her horse down the street when the animal took fright at the brilliant lights and made a bolt for a public street.

* * *

Two neighbor women were having a word battle over the backyard fence.

Mrs. Brown—“I know more about your husband than you do.”

Mrs. Jones—“Then you had better keep silent, as I know more about you than your husband does.”

* * *

Izzy was seen with an enormous diamond pin. His friend Moe couldn’t understand where Izzy got a thousand dollars to pay for it, so Izzy explained. “My uncle died and left one thousand dollars for a stone to his memory. I was the executor, and this is the stone.”

Jest Jokes and Jingles

“Have you anything to say before leaving the stand?” asked the judge, after pronouncing a death sentence upon a negro murderer.

“Yes, suh, jedge,” replied the prisoner. “I wants to say right here dat dis is gonna be a lesson to me.”

* * *

The melancholy days have come,The saddest of the year;It’s much too warm for moonshine,And too cold for darned near beer.

The melancholy days have come,

The saddest of the year;

It’s much too warm for moonshine,

And too cold for darned near beer.

* * *

Hashish Kid—“This is a grand town. Just imagine a quart of hooch at 50 cents a bottle.”

Thirsty Stranger—“S’sh! Where can I get it?”

“I don’t know.” I said, “just imagine it.”

* * *

I said: Good man, can you help me,I’m a millionaire dead broke;But the poor old man was deaf and dumb,I could tell by the way he spoke.

I said: Good man, can you help me,

I’m a millionaire dead broke;

But the poor old man was deaf and dumb,

I could tell by the way he spoke.

* * *

Officer—“Why didn’t you salute? Don’t you know I’m a captain?”

Buck Private—“That’s a darn good job. Hang on to it.”

* * *

“Late house tonight, my love,” she’ll say,“Midnight or later maybe,If I’m not home till break of day,You stand to with the baby.”

“Late house tonight, my love,” she’ll say,

“Midnight or later maybe,

If I’m not home till break of day,

You stand to with the baby.”

* * *

I have a wife and I have a flivver. My license to run the flivver is o. k., but my license to run my wife absolutely is the bunk.

* * *

Speaking of women having more sense than men, did you ever notice that when the baby gets big enough to walk father wants to give away the baby carriage, but mother puts it in the garret?

* * *

At the Quaint Shop in Sterling, Ill., one can buy bead necklaces, “so beautiful,” as the shop quaintly puts it, “that every woman will want a string to wear if she hasn’t anything else.”

* * *

A new idea is like an egg—the responsible party simply can’t help talking about it.

Our Rural Mail Bag

Dear Captain Billy:I heartily agree with you in the belief that man is a strange wild beast, and when he gets what he wanted, he wonders why he wanted it. That’s why I’m on my way to Hot Springs, singing the rheumatic blues.—Sunset Slim.

* * *

Aromatic Army Cook—Yes, I understand that the troop of Boston soldiers you mention moved to Seattle so that they could live on the Sound.

* * *

Blonde Beauty—I do not know what you mean by the expression “He has a Siberian dash board” unless it’s whiskers. Pay no attention to smooth French talk. He’s bulling you.

* * *

Abe Goldberg—No, I wouldn’t advise you to locate your undertaking establishment in O’Rourke park, Butte, Mont. You might as well sing “Wearin’ o’ the Green” in Piccadilly Circus, if that’s all the value you attach to your life.

* * *

A. L. Tioga—Sorry we can’t use your story about the barrel of apples and the sack of nuts by which the family rat was caught.

* * *

Sweet Dottie—You say you do some awful things sometimes, but that then it’s only to keep warm. If that’s your only reason, you had better postpone your “new leaf” turning until summer.

* * *

Bringemin Young—We’ve heard your story before about the stenographer who got $25 a week and half her board.

* * *

Bobby—I have heard that it goes good in cider.

* * *

Miss Construe—You say you miss your husband so often. Do you mean when you throw things at him?

* * *

Mamma’s in the kitchen,Singing “Alcoholic Blues,”Father’s in the cellar,Drinking Alcoholic Booze.

Mamma’s in the kitchen,

Singing “Alcoholic Blues,”

Father’s in the cellar,

Drinking Alcoholic Booze.

* * *

The graveyard is a mean old place—they lay you on your back and shovel dirt in your face.

* * *

Co-ed—I want something to wear around the dormitory.

Salesgirl—How large is your dormitory?

* * *

Two girls from the city were spending their vacation in a small town in the middle west, and at the house where they were stopping was a devout old man who believed that the blue Sunday laws should go into effect full blast. It so happened that the girls were in the parlor one Sunday morning, playing the popular airs, when the devout sir entered and said: “Do you know this is Sunday?”

“Sure, what’s the big idea?”

“Do you know the ten commandments?”

“Well, if you whistle the first two or three bars I might get them.”

* * *

It isn’t the things we’ve won and possessed that fill the coffers of life to overflowing. It’s the things we’ve lost, the things that make for sweet memories. That’s the sum and substance of life that endures—memories and their lessons.

* * *

This is March, the month when the wind is tempered either to the lion or to the shorn lamb, and soon the grass will be green and the wind will be tempered for the silk-clad calf. Oh, boys, I’ll say we can anticipate!

* * *

When the ball bearings of the new association of nations get rolling smoothly, we understand that Jerusalem will be given to the Jews, Ireland to the Irish, Iceland to the icemen and New York City to the United States.

* * *

The little man approached a saleswoman and sputtered:

“Y-you got me into a pickle, you did.”

“I don’t understand,” the girl replied, timidly.

“You remember when I came in here to pick out a silk dress for my wife, don’t you?”

“Yes.”

“And you remember we asked the assistance of the lady who was buying a kiltie skirt for her little girl?”

“Yes—yes.”

“W-w-well, you got the parcels mixed, that’s what you did, and I took that little kiltie skirt home to my wife.”

“I’m awfully sorry, sir, but, of course we can put that right.”

“How?”

“I can change the skirt.”

“I know you can, but that isn’t the trouble. My wife opened the parcel while I was away, thought it was the latest style, and wore the wretched thing to church on Sunday.”

* * *

A Chicago school girl, in her history examination, answered that Jamestown, Virginia, was settled in 1607 and there were 120 deaths and 72 births the first year, “due to the efforts of Capt. John Smith.”

* * *

A lady heard that her two sons were in the habit each at separate times and quite unknown to each other, of taking one of the maids “out for a lark.” Fearing to bring down on their devoted heads the wrath of their father by making a bother about it, she asked them quietly if it were true, but could obtain no satisfactory reply.

It occurred to her that by a little strategy she might get the truth from one of the girls, so she said in a jocular manner, “Now, Mary, I want you to answer me candidly. Which of my two sons do you like going out with best—George or William?”

“Well, ma’am,” replied the maid, reassured by the lady’s manner, “if you must know, of the two I like George the best; but for a downright good spree, give me the master every time.”

* * *

By Tad.

If you don’t feel just right,If you can’t sleep at night,If you moan and sigh,If your throat is dry,If you can’t smoke or drink,If your grub tastes like ink,If your heart doesn’t beat,If you’ve got bad cold feet,If your head’s in a whirl,Why not marry the girl?

If you don’t feel just right,

If you can’t sleep at night,

If you moan and sigh,

If your throat is dry,

If you can’t smoke or drink,

If your grub tastes like ink,

If your heart doesn’t beat,

If you’ve got bad cold feet,

If your head’s in a whirl,

Why not marry the girl?

* * *

You’re not the only pebble on the beach. There’s a Little Rock in Arkansas.

* * *

She was a fair-haired, fluffy little thing, who had taken a position as saleswoman in a department store. A few days later she met a boy friend and both stopped to have a little chat.

“How do you like your job?” inquired the boy friend.

“Oh, I like it very much,” said the fluffy one. “Only, they shift me about too much. At twelve o’clock I’m in hats, at three I’m in dresses, at four I’m in lingerie, at six I’m in stockings, and—”

“I’ll look you up tomorrow at eight,” said he.

* * *

“The evolution theory,” said the professor, “is that we all came from monkeys.”

“That’s wrong,” said the flea, biting him on his bald head, “I came from a dog.”

* * *

“He does it when no one’s about, just as we’re going to bed,” explained a Kingston wife, applying for separation against her husband, who, she asserted, was always tearing up her clothes, etc.

* * *

Only eight months to wait for the second October Whiz Bang annual.

* * *

BATHING BEAUTIES!Photograph of two young ladies in 1920s swimwearReal photographs of the famous California Bathing Girls.Just the thing for your den.Size 3½ × 5½.Positively the best on the market.Assortment of 6 for 25 cents or 25 for $1.00.Send money order or stamps.Foreign money not accepted unless exchange is included.Egbert Brothers, Dept. W. B., 303 Buena Vista Street, LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIAWholesale agents wanted everywhere in the U. S. Write for wholesale terms.

BATHING BEAUTIES!

Real photographs of the famous California Bathing Girls.

Just the thing for your den.

Size 3½ × 5½.

Positively the best on the market.

Assortment of 6 for 25 cents or 25 for $1.00.

Send money order or stamps.

Foreign money not accepted unless exchange is included.

Egbert Brothers, Dept. W. B., 303 Buena Vista Street, LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA

Wholesale agents wanted everywhere in the U. S. Write for wholesale terms.

* * *

Genuine Photographs

We are headquarters for photographs and pictures of all kinds, offering the most complete line in the country.

Art Nudes are shipped by express only. Remit by money order or bank draft. All orders shipped promptly.

The American Art CompanyOffering the Most Complete Line of Art Subjects in the WorldJANESVILLE, WISCONSIN, U. S. A.

* * *

Everywhere!WHIZ BANG is on sale at all leading hotels, news stands, on trains, 25 cents single copies, or may be ordered direct from the publisher at 30 cents single copies; two-fifty a year.A bull

Everywhere!

WHIZ BANG is on sale at all leading hotels, news stands, on trains, 25 cents single copies, or may be ordered direct from the publisher at 30 cents single copies; two-fifty a year.

A bull

Back to Index Next