The Raptures of Cupid

In the April issue we published a model love letter, and since then we have been deluged with dimes from anxious swains asking us to hurry along another letter, as their sweethearts had answered the first and were expecting another. As we are always ready to sympathize with crooning youths, and wish to be obliging, we are offering another captivating love note in the following:

My dear Miss Gumptious: Every time I think of you, my heart flops up and down like a churn dasher. Sensations of unutterable joy caper over it like young goats on a stable roof, and thrill through it like Spanish needles through a pair of two linen trousers. As a gosling swimmeth with delight in a mud puddle, so swim I in a sea of glory. Visions of ecstatic rapture, thicker than the hairs of a blacking brush, and brighter than the hues of a humming bird’s pinions, visit me in my slumbers; and, borne on their invisible wings, your image stands before me, and I reach out to grasp it, like a pointer snapping at a blue-bottle fly. When I first beheld your angelic perfections I was bewildered, and my brain whirled ’round like a bumble bee under a glass tumbler. My eyes stood open like cellar doors in a country town, and I lifted up my ears to catch the silvery accents of your voice. Mytongue refused to wag and in silent adoration I drank in the sweet infection of love as a thirsty man swalloweth a tumbler of hot whiskey punch.

Since the light of your face fell upon my life, I sometimes feel as if I could lift myself up by my boot straps to the top of the church steeple, and pull the bell rope for singing school. Day and night you are in my thoughts. When Aurora, rising from her saffron-colored couch, blushing like a bride; when the jay bird pipes his tuneful lay in the apple tree by the spring house; when the chanticleer’s shrill clarion heralds the coming morn; when the awakening pig ariseth from his bed and grunteth, and goeth forth for his morning refreshments; when the drowsy beetle wheels to droning flight at sultry noontide; and when the lowing herds come home at milking time, I think of thee; and, like a piece of gum elastic, my heart seems stretched clear across my bosom. Your hair is like the mane of a sorrel horse, powdered with gold, and the brass pins skewered through your water-fall fill me with unbounded awe. Your forehead is smoother than the elbow of an old coat; your eyes are glorious to behold. In their liquid depths I see legions of little Cupids bathing, like a cohort of ants in an old Army cracker. When their fire hit me upon my manly breast, it penetrated my whole anatomy, as a load of bird shot through a rotten apple. Your nose is a chunk of Parian marble, and your mouth is puckered with sweetness. Nectar lingers on your lips, like honey on a bear’s paw; and myriads of unfledged kisses are there, ready to fly out and light somewhere, like bluebirds out of theirparents’ nest. Your laugh rings in my ears like the windharp’s strain, or the bleat of a stray lamb on a bleak hillside. The dimples in your cheeks are like bowers in beds of roses—hollows in cakes of home-made sugar.

I am dying to fly to thy presence, and pour out the burning eloquence of my love, as thrifty housewives pour out hot coffee. Away from you I am as melancholy as a rat.

Sometimes, I can hear the June bugs of despondency buzzing in my ears, and feel the cold lizards of despair crawling down my back. Uncouth fears, like a thousand minnows, nibble at my spirits; and my soul is pierced with doubts, as an old cheese is bored with skippers.

My love for you is stronger than the smell of patent butter, or the kick of a young cow, and more unselfish than a kitten’s first catterwaul. As a song bird hankers for the light of day, the cautious mouse for the fresh bacon in the trap, as a mean pup hankers after new milk, so I long for thee.

You are fairer than a speckled pullet, sweeter than a Yankee doughnut fried in sorghum molasses, brighter than the top knot plumage of muscovy ducks. You are candy, kisses, raisins, pound-cake and sweetened toddy altogether.

If these few remarks will enable you to see the inside of my soul, and me to win your affection, I shall be as happy as a woodpecker on a cherry tree, or a stage horse in a green pasture. If you cannot reciprocate my thrilling passion, I will pine away like a poisonedbed bug, and fall away from a flourishing vine of life an untimely branch; and, in the coming years, when the shadows grow from the hills, and the philosophical frog sings his cheerful evening hymn, you, happy in another’s love can come and cast a tear and catch a cold upon the last resting place of

Yours affectionately,

ANNY JOHN.

* * *

“What shall I give my girl for a birthday present?”

“Why not give her a book?”

“No, I think she has a book.”

* * *

“Where did you get the idea?”

“Right out of my own head, and I have enough left, to make a crazy-quilt.”

* * *

Judging from spring styles, the only cap a girl will set for a man this summer will be a kneecap.

* * *

We’ve got a discharged soldier in our town who was gassed, and had his leg shot off. He is forever looking for his lost leg, and often seems to think a woman may have it, with the result that he is arrested every few days on some woman’s complaint and is let go. We’d call that a pleasant mania.

Pasture Pot Pourri

No, Madeline, “The Charge of the Light Brigade” does not refer to your gas and electric bills.

* * *

Never retire in a garage unless you auto, and—Never sleep in a stable for a stall.

Never retire in a garage unless you auto, and—

Never sleep in a stable for a stall.

* * *

Love is the intoxication of joy—marriage is the D.T’s.

* * *

Policeman Knife had by his wifeA set of bouncing twins;One took a cough which took it offFrom this abode of sins;Number one no sooner diedAnd into the coffin slid,When number two took the fluAnd joined the other kid.

Policeman Knife had by his wife

A set of bouncing twins;

One took a cough which took it off

From this abode of sins;

Number one no sooner died

And into the coffin slid,

When number two took the flu

And joined the other kid.

* * *

She only weighs two pounds less than a horse.

* * *

THERE ARE A THOUSAND THINGS LIFE’S WORTH LIVING FOR. ONE IS WINE, ONE IS SONG—AND THE OTHER 998 ARE WOMEN.

* * *

I got a girl named Stella,She’s got a mouth like an open umbrella;She’s knock-kneed, crippled, her eyes turned in—But a darn good girl for the shape she’s in.

I got a girl named Stella,

She’s got a mouth like an open umbrella;

She’s knock-kneed, crippled, her eyes turned in—

But a darn good girl for the shape she’s in.

* * *

Rocks whereon greatest men have often wrecked.

* * *

If all the trees had limbs like thine,I think the woods would be divine.

If all the trees had limbs like thine,

I think the woods would be divine.

* * *

“No one seems to kick about the high cost of hooch these days.”

“Of course not; the kick is in the drink.”

* * *

They were married and lived happily ever after—next day.

* * *

I asked our stenog. why firemen wear red suspenders. She said, “Those I know don’t.”

* * *

I know a man without a sin—he is dead.

* * *

Rose is game; Mary’s pretty small; Nellie fights back,—but I like them all.

* * *

Life is just one damnthing after another—and love is just two damnthings after each other.

* * *

Why do you wear your stockings inside out?

Because there is a hole on the other side.

* * *

A news item says knee pants for men are bound to come. I wonder if the women will stand on the street corner and admire our shapely (?) laigs? And will men wear silk hose of green and pink and purple hues, with “Jacob’s ladders” showing? Let us pray.

* * *

But we won’t keep you in suspense—Two wise you are, two wise you be; I see you are, too wise for me.

* * *

Teacher—“Willie, can you tell me the definition of an hangar?”

Willie—“A place where airplanes are hung.”

* * *

(From the Montevideo, Minn., American)

In Albert Lea, the other day, a man was shot dead when found with another man’s wife. If this practice were strictly adhered to in Montevideo the undertakers would be rushed to death.

* * *

(From Portland Oregonian.)

Young womanhood that wears wrist bottles and check corsets is not typical of the best. Do their mothers know their route?

* * *

In a recent scandal case in New York, a lady declined to answer a question because, she said, “It wasn’t fit to tell decent people.”

“Oh, well,” replied the lawyer, “just step up and whisper it to the judge.”

* * *

He—Cold, Hon’?She—About to freeze!He—Want my coat?She—Just the sleeve!

He—Cold, Hon’?

She—About to freeze!

He—Want my coat?

She—Just the sleeve!

* * *

Two drunks hanging on a lamp post at 2 A. M.

No. 1—Shay, d’you know Tom Perkins?

No. 2—No, what’s his name?

No. 1—Who?

* * *

Come all you reformers, if you want to raise ’ell.Here comes a woman from the Breakers Hotel,With dropped-stitched stockings,And high-heeled shoes,A pack of cigarettesAnd a bottle of booze.

Come all you reformers, if you want to raise ’ell.

Here comes a woman from the Breakers Hotel,

With dropped-stitched stockings,

And high-heeled shoes,

A pack of cigarettes

And a bottle of booze.

* * *

Always smile—It gets you something.

Our Rural Mail Box

Teny Sun—The best way to prevent your dog from suffering with the heat in July is to kill him in June.

* * *

Monk E. Byte—I’m sure I can’t answer your question as to why a girl’s eyelids drop down whenever she kisses a man. But where there’s no sense, there’s no feeling, y’ know.

* * *

Manicurist—I don’t blame you for refusing to manicure the nails of the fellow with St. Vitus’ dance.

* * *

Out West—If you are lonesome for Cape Cod, why not rub fresh herring on yourself and dream you are back home?

* * *

L. Bow—If your trousers are too short, pull up your shoes.

* * *

Hop Head—Flop your ears, there’s a fly on your neck.

* * *

Pope—Yes, Pope, we succeeded in making our own moon shine.

* * *

Tho I’m growing old and feeble,And my hair is turning grey;And my youth has died within me,And my teeth have passed away—Tho my strength is fastly failing,And a hump is on my back;And my bones are getting stiffer,And my heart is out of whack—Every time I go out walking,Some fair dame is bound to fall,Nothing in the world can stop them—I’m a Ladies’ Man—That’s all.

Tho I’m growing old and feeble,And my hair is turning grey;And my youth has died within me,And my teeth have passed away—

Tho I’m growing old and feeble,

And my hair is turning grey;

And my youth has died within me,

And my teeth have passed away—

Tho my strength is fastly failing,And a hump is on my back;And my bones are getting stiffer,And my heart is out of whack—

Tho my strength is fastly failing,

And a hump is on my back;

And my bones are getting stiffer,

And my heart is out of whack—

Every time I go out walking,Some fair dame is bound to fall,Nothing in the world can stop them—I’m a Ladies’ Man—That’s all.

Every time I go out walking,

Some fair dame is bound to fall,

Nothing in the world can stop them—

I’m a Ladies’ Man—That’s all.

* * *

My friend Wheeler says that many a man who is a good shot in this world hopes he’ll miss-fire in the next.

* * *

Some women allow their husbands to kiss them for sake of contrast.

* * *

Some evening gowns allow a woman to put up a very bold front.

* * *

The proper length for skirts as decreed by fashion is a little over two feet.

* * *

Don’t cry Mary-Anne, and there’s no use to talk,’Cause this is the time that we’ve both got to walk.

Don’t cry Mary-Anne, and there’s no use to talk,

’Cause this is the time that we’ve both got to walk.

* * *

A man never knows his real value until he’s sued for breach of promise.

Jest Jokes and Jingles

Gertie—“Why don’t you get a husband?”

Sophie—“Not for me, Gert, I’ve a friend who has one.”

* * *

A timid girl is Bessie Bates,She doesn’t kiss, she osculates.

A timid girl is Bessie Bates,

She doesn’t kiss, she osculates.

* * *

“Do you really love me?” she wrote.

“Referring to my last letter,” he promptly replied, “you’ll find that I love you devotedly on page one, madly on page two, and passionately on pages three, four and five.”

* * *

And the best and worst of this is:That neither is most to blame,If you’ve forgotten my kisses,And I’ve forgotten your name—

And the best and worst of this is:

That neither is most to blame,

If you’ve forgotten my kisses,

And I’ve forgotten your name—

* * *

If your limb is pretty, show it;If your cash is plenty, go it;If your horn is noisy, blow it.

If your limb is pretty, show it;

If your cash is plenty, go it;

If your horn is noisy, blow it.

* * *

Because he saw

But when he saw

He gave her up.

* * *

A Jewish father, entertaining some friends, told his four-year-old son, Abie, to stand on a chair.

“Now, Abie,” he said, “jump to fadder.”

As soon as Abie jumped, the father stepped out of the way and let the boy fall on his face on the floor. Asked why he had done so, the father replied:

“I am teaching dot boy not to trust anybody, not even his own fadder.”

* * *

A young lady went into a department store and told the clerk she wanted a pair of garters.

“What kind?” he asked.

“Rubber,” said she.

* * *

Yes, Gwendolyn, a divorce suit is the opposite to a union suit.

* * *

Little Willie’s definition of a kiss is something I got in my mouth and you got in your mouth and we push our mouths together.

* * *

HE KISSED ME,And oh, the ecstacy of that fond embrace.HE KISSED ME,And he got a slap in the face.HE KISSED ME,And got a thump on the chin. But—HE KISSED ME,Agin and agin.

HE KISSED ME,

And oh, the ecstacy of that fond embrace.

HE KISSED ME,

And he got a slap in the face.

HE KISSED ME,

And got a thump on the chin. But—

HE KISSED ME,

Agin and agin.

* * *

Have you a little wimpus in your home?

* * *

Nowadays a girl doesn’t think she is well dressed unless she is almost undressed.

* * *

Some girls are built for short dresses while others use poor judgment.

* * *

When Miss Failure thinks she has you cinched, then along comes Miss Success, who bids you follow her and wear diamonds.

* * *

Anticipation is the mother of realization, so there is nothing like hoping for the best.

* * *

A patient at the Traverse hospital for insane had a mallet in his pocket, and at regular intervals he would take it out and bang himself over the head with it. Asked why he punished himself that way, he replied: “Because it feels so good when I stop.”

* * *

But for God’s sake, don’t tell my mother. She thinks I’m running a blind pig.

* * *

Ah, and well do we know the brand.

* * *

“You gotta show me, I’m from Missouri,” said the big man.

“Well, watch me—I’m from Elgin,” said the little fellow.

* * *

By crossing a rum hound with a Volstead water spaniel, efficient R hounds have been produced. These dogs have an unerring scent for prescription-peddling physicians.

* * *

When asked to join the game he declined, saying he had a hundred reasons for not playing. “Give us one,” they asked.

“The first one is, I haven’t any money.”

“You can stick the other 99 in your hip-pocket,” came the final chorus.

* * *

“Speaking of famous springs,” said the tramp to the tourist, “I bathed in the spring of ’86.”

* * *

Many are dressed, but few are clothed.

* * *

There is no prospect of an early reduction in the wages of sin.

* * *

Lotsa money,Matri-mony,Blown money,Dishar-mony,Testi-mony,Ali-mony.

Lotsa money,

Matri-mony,

Blown money,

Dishar-mony,

Testi-mony,

Ali-mony.

* * *

Robert W. Service’s great poem will take a leading place in the WINTER ANNUAL of Capt. Billy’s Whiz Bang out in October, together with “The Girl in the Blue Velvet Band,” “The Face on the Barroom Floor,” “Lasca” (in full), Langdon Smith’s “Evolution,” and scores of other red-blooded gems. In addition to the Smokehouse Poetry section, there will be stories, jokes, jests, jingles, mail bag, questions and answers and a galaxy of illustrations. The Annual will be apart from the regular October issue and will be on sale as long as the supply lasts. Our first annual, 1920, sold out within two weeks. Only three months to wait.

* * *

Special Sale on3,700 Books ofFAMOUS PICTURESReproduced from Renowned Paintings by the World’s Greatest Artists.The Finest Collection of Figure Studies Ever PublishedA bookKENYON COX in SCRIBNER’S MAGAZINE, says:With the Greeks and Florentines it was a delight in the beauty of form, in which the human figure exceeds all other beautiful things. The Venetians added a delight in the exquisite color and texture of the flesh. They first perceived that not only was the human body the noblest in form and line of all existing objects, but in color and softness and exquisiteness of Light and Shade, the flesh of a woman was more lovely than pearls or flowers, so a new art of “NUDE” came into existence. The figure no longer stood for the expression of abstract idea, but was painted for its own BEAUTY as men paint FLOWERS or LANDSCAPES.Photographic reproduction in black and white of the famous paintings of the world. These pictures in the originals hang in the renowned galleries of America and Europe. ARTISTS and ART STUDENTS will find a marvelous variety of FULL FIGURE STUDIES, that will answer every purpose of a model. Art Collectors and all lovers of real Art Pictures, will find this the most complete collection of genuine ART STUDIES ever offered. Almost all the world’s old masters are listed. Printed on heavy enamel paper, making the pictures look most life-like. Contains 350 pages, size 7 × 10½ inches, handsomely cloth bound, attractive cover design.AN ART ALBUM OF GREAT PAINTINGSOver 300 Pictures—All Fully Explained and Described—together with a short history of the life and works of each artist. No Art Library is Complete Without a Copy.For Art Students Especially This Book Is a Valuable Aid—Over 300 Art Studies at About One Cent EachPrice, Boxed$3.50One copy of Famous Pictures, Book and Catalogue “A”$4.00One copy of Famous Pictures, Book and 25 Art Nudes5.00One copy of Famous Pictures, Book and 50 Art Nudes6.00Shipped by sealed express within five hours after receipt of order.THE AMERICAN ART COMPANYWholesale and RetailJANESVILLE, WISCONSIN, U. S. A.

Special Sale on3,700 Books ofFAMOUS PICTURES

Reproduced from Renowned Paintings by the World’s Greatest Artists.

The Finest Collection of Figure Studies Ever Published

A book

KENYON COX in SCRIBNER’S MAGAZINE, says:

With the Greeks and Florentines it was a delight in the beauty of form, in which the human figure exceeds all other beautiful things. The Venetians added a delight in the exquisite color and texture of the flesh. They first perceived that not only was the human body the noblest in form and line of all existing objects, but in color and softness and exquisiteness of Light and Shade, the flesh of a woman was more lovely than pearls or flowers, so a new art of “NUDE” came into existence. The figure no longer stood for the expression of abstract idea, but was painted for its own BEAUTY as men paint FLOWERS or LANDSCAPES.

Photographic reproduction in black and white of the famous paintings of the world. These pictures in the originals hang in the renowned galleries of America and Europe. ARTISTS and ART STUDENTS will find a marvelous variety of FULL FIGURE STUDIES, that will answer every purpose of a model. Art Collectors and all lovers of real Art Pictures, will find this the most complete collection of genuine ART STUDIES ever offered. Almost all the world’s old masters are listed. Printed on heavy enamel paper, making the pictures look most life-like. Contains 350 pages, size 7 × 10½ inches, handsomely cloth bound, attractive cover design.

AN ART ALBUM OF GREAT PAINTINGS

Over 300 Pictures—All Fully Explained and Described—together with a short history of the life and works of each artist. No Art Library is Complete Without a Copy.

Shipped by sealed express within five hours after receipt of order.

THE AMERICAN ART COMPANYWholesale and RetailJANESVILLE, WISCONSIN, U. S. A.

* * *

GENUINE PHOTOGRAPHS

We are headquarters for photographs and pictures of all kinds, offering the most complete line in the country.

Catalogue “A,” 1921 edition, now ready. Contains illustrations of 409 Nude and Semi-Nude, 304 Bathing Girl, 192 Movie Star and 49 Statuary Photographs. More than 1,000 illustrations in all. Shipped by PREPAID EXPRESS. Price$1.00per copy.

SPECIAL ASSORTMENT

In order that you may become acquainted with our line of beautiful nudes, we will forward, upon receipt ofTen Dollars, a special assortment of twelve genuine photographs, comprising four each of the following sizes: 7½ × 9½, 8 × 10 and 11 × 14. If the selection does not prove entirely satisfactory upon receipt, you may return the same to us intact, and we will immediately refund your money.

Art Nudes are shipped by sealed express. Remit by money order or bank draft. All orders shipped promptly.

THE AMERICAN ART COMPANYWholesale and RetailJANESVILLE, WISCONSIN, U. S. A.

* * *

Everywhere!Whiz Bangis on sale at all leading hotels, news stands, 25 cents single copies; on trains 30 cents, or may be ordered direct from the publisher at 25 cents single copies; two-fifty a year.A bull

Everywhere!

Whiz Bangis on sale at all leading hotels, news stands, 25 cents single copies; on trains 30 cents, or may be ordered direct from the publisher at 25 cents single copies; two-fifty a year.

A bull

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