* * *
Advertisement on cover of movie magazine: Picture of Billie Burke Inside. Who said beauty is only skin deep?
* * *
I want a good girl and I want her bad.
* * *
The man in the restaurant next to me made so much noise drinking his coffee that a deaf man in the front of the restaurant shouted “Run for your lives, the dam has broken!”
* * *
A dog can bury a bone and go to sleep knowing his “wife” won’t find it.
But a man can’t get away with it, with a wife who goes through his pockets.
* * *
(From the Creston Gazette.)
The trial jurors called for the August term of the district court in this county appeared this afternoon at 1:30 when court convened and were dismissed by District Judge Evans until 9:00 A. M. tomorrow.Immediately after the dismissal of the jurors for the day the equity case of Reid vs. Ternihan was taken up and at the time of this paper going to press, was on trial before Judge Evans.A number of jurors called for service this term asked to be excused from duty and some were excused.One juror, a man, asked to be excused.“What are your reasons for wishing to be excused?” asked Judge Evans.“I am needed at home,” the juror answered.“Who did you leave at home?” the judge asked.“My wife and—and—the hired man,” timidly replied the juror.He was excused until Thursday morning.
The trial jurors called for the August term of the district court in this county appeared this afternoon at 1:30 when court convened and were dismissed by District Judge Evans until 9:00 A. M. tomorrow.
Immediately after the dismissal of the jurors for the day the equity case of Reid vs. Ternihan was taken up and at the time of this paper going to press, was on trial before Judge Evans.
A number of jurors called for service this term asked to be excused from duty and some were excused.
One juror, a man, asked to be excused.
“What are your reasons for wishing to be excused?” asked Judge Evans.
“I am needed at home,” the juror answered.
“Who did you leave at home?” the judge asked.
“My wife and—and—the hired man,” timidly replied the juror.
He was excused until Thursday morning.
Classified Ads
(From Honolulu Advertiser.)
Four sows with babies and 25 half-bredded Toggenberg goats. M. Fernandez, Tenth Avenue, Palolo.
* * *
(From Honolulu Advertiser.)
A working housekeeper is wanted to take charge of a small hotel and two first-class waiters. Apply The Roselawn, 1366 S. King street.
* * *
(From the San Francisco Examiner.)
Would like to communicate with a lady that wants to make money on a sanitary article for women, ranging from 14 years to 45. I can not handle, but will co-operate. For further particulars, write box 68898, Examiner.
* * *
(From the Daily University Californian.)
FOR RENT—One woman. Furnished room with sleeping porch; beautiful view. Three blocks north of campus. 4695W.
* * *
(From Denver News and Times.)
Well marked pedigreed Boston terrier puppies, sired by Dinty Moore. 1364 York St.
* * *
(An Advertisement.)
WANTED: Man to run a soft drink parlor out of town.
* * *
A Boston youth is the hero of this account in the “Globe”:
His parents were what is known as “high-brow,” but they also were good sports. So, when he suggested taking them to a restaurant in the market district of Boston, they agreed.
The mother’s exquisite clothes stamped her as a society woman, but democracy reigns supreme at the market restaurant.
They sat down at the table. The waiter handed the mother a menu and then leaned confidentially forward over the back of the chair and said:
“Well, sister, what’s the good news?”
* * *
Virgil W. Church found a case containing 79 half pints of bonded whisky on his farm near here. He notified the police.—Michigan City (Ind.) Dispatch.
* * *
A couple of darkies argued on the street—
“If yo go with dat gal, I’ll cut yo up in pieces so small a ant kin swaller yo.”
“If yo do I’ll hit yo so ha’d it will make a bump on yo haid so big that when dey call the ambulance dey will put the bump inside and yo’all will have to walk.”
* * *
A negress rolled her eyes heavenward and exclaimed: “Oh, Lawd if dis am a sample ob married life, I’se glad I’se only engaged.”
* * *
Jazzbo—Please, Mistah Bahbah, I’d like a nickel’s worth o’ hair tonic.
Barber—What in the world do you want with a nickel’s worth for when it’s selling for a dollar a pint? Want to restore the eyebrows on a flea?
Jazzbo—Nossuh nossuh. Wanta fix mah watch. It’s got a speck o’ dandruff in the hair spring.
* * *
If flies are flies,Because they fly,And fleas are fleasBecause they flee,Then bees are beesBecause they be.
If flies are flies,Because they fly,And fleas are fleasBecause they flee,Then bees are beesBecause they be.
If flies are flies,Because they fly,And fleas are fleasBecause they flee,Then bees are beesBecause they be.
If flies are flies,
Because they fly,
And fleas are fleas
Because they flee,
Then bees are bees
Because they be.
* * *
An inquisitive maiden lady, touring Yellowstone Park came to the boiling lake.
“Say, Mr. Guide, does this lake ever freeze?”
“Oh, yes, it froze a thin coat of ice last winter and a young lady went skating on it. She broke through the ice and scalded her foot.”
* * *
When Roscoe Arbuckle was star in “The Life of the Party,” the film adapted from Irving Cobb’s Saturday Evening Post yarn, little did he realize that he would play a similar role in real life. Poet Gordon tells about it in these verses.
By R. C. Gordon.A certain film comedian, who gave the world much fun,Whose actual weight in flesh and bones is somewhere near a ton,Thought he, too, should laugh a bit, and have a little play;His chosen date, so I am told, was on last Labor Day.He sent out invitations to his numerous actor friends,And said if thou wouldst have some fun, wilst thou then attend?Attend they did, and fun they had, and everything went wellUntil one girl, from a nearby room, from pains began to yell.“Roscoe hurt me badly, I can hardly get my breath,”But the drunks paid no attention—they had no thought of death.She asked them for a doctor and still they paid no mind,Fun was on the rampage, the late pajama kind.“They’re drinking up my liquor,” is the only thing he said,And tried hard not to flicker when he found out she was dead.Now in his cell he sits and moans and possibly might pray,For he was “The Life of the Party” in his orgy Labor Day.
By R. C. Gordon.
A certain film comedian, who gave the world much fun,Whose actual weight in flesh and bones is somewhere near a ton,Thought he, too, should laugh a bit, and have a little play;His chosen date, so I am told, was on last Labor Day.He sent out invitations to his numerous actor friends,And said if thou wouldst have some fun, wilst thou then attend?Attend they did, and fun they had, and everything went wellUntil one girl, from a nearby room, from pains began to yell.“Roscoe hurt me badly, I can hardly get my breath,”But the drunks paid no attention—they had no thought of death.She asked them for a doctor and still they paid no mind,Fun was on the rampage, the late pajama kind.“They’re drinking up my liquor,” is the only thing he said,And tried hard not to flicker when he found out she was dead.Now in his cell he sits and moans and possibly might pray,For he was “The Life of the Party” in his orgy Labor Day.
A certain film comedian, who gave the world much fun,Whose actual weight in flesh and bones is somewhere near a ton,Thought he, too, should laugh a bit, and have a little play;His chosen date, so I am told, was on last Labor Day.
A certain film comedian, who gave the world much fun,
Whose actual weight in flesh and bones is somewhere near a ton,
Thought he, too, should laugh a bit, and have a little play;
His chosen date, so I am told, was on last Labor Day.
He sent out invitations to his numerous actor friends,And said if thou wouldst have some fun, wilst thou then attend?Attend they did, and fun they had, and everything went wellUntil one girl, from a nearby room, from pains began to yell.
He sent out invitations to his numerous actor friends,
And said if thou wouldst have some fun, wilst thou then attend?
Attend they did, and fun they had, and everything went well
Until one girl, from a nearby room, from pains began to yell.
“Roscoe hurt me badly, I can hardly get my breath,”But the drunks paid no attention—they had no thought of death.She asked them for a doctor and still they paid no mind,Fun was on the rampage, the late pajama kind.
“Roscoe hurt me badly, I can hardly get my breath,”
But the drunks paid no attention—they had no thought of death.
She asked them for a doctor and still they paid no mind,
Fun was on the rampage, the late pajama kind.
“They’re drinking up my liquor,” is the only thing he said,And tried hard not to flicker when he found out she was dead.Now in his cell he sits and moans and possibly might pray,For he was “The Life of the Party” in his orgy Labor Day.
“They’re drinking up my liquor,” is the only thing he said,
And tried hard not to flicker when he found out she was dead.
Now in his cell he sits and moans and possibly might pray,
For he was “The Life of the Party” in his orgy Labor Day.
* * *
Complaining at Tottenham of assault, a woman said this was the second time the same man had assaulted her.
“I took no notice when he kicked me the first time,” she said, “because it was dark, and I took it to be my husband.”
“Then I saw it was a stranger, and I screamed.”
* * *
“I hate to be a kicker, and generally stand for peace; but the wheel that does the squeaking is the wheel that gets the grease.”—Kipling.
Our Rural Mail Box
I. Scream—You ask me to publish the story entitled “Heaven’s Above” and I am herewith complying, poetical style:
I kissed the dimple in her chin,Her cheeks suffused with red;Reprovingly she looked at me,“Heaven’s above!” she said.
I kissed the dimple in her chin,Her cheeks suffused with red;Reprovingly she looked at me,“Heaven’s above!” she said.
I kissed the dimple in her chin,Her cheeks suffused with red;Reprovingly she looked at me,“Heaven’s above!” she said.
I kissed the dimple in her chin,
Her cheeks suffused with red;
Reprovingly she looked at me,
“Heaven’s above!” she said.
Maybe you don’t think that this is the true version, but it is the only one we can think of at present.
* * *
Yucan Haver—Your friend, when he said you had eyes like a certain star, probably referred to Ben Turpin’s.
* * *
Al A. Baster—Yes, it is very embarrassing for the young man who tries to stop a lady’s nose-bleed by putting a bunch of cold keys down her back, especially if it is at a fancy dress ball.
* * *
George—Good looks, money, a car, help along the male flirt—but the only indispensable requisite is a chilled steel nerve.
* * *
By Jane Gaites.
Tonight when you shall gather me in your strong loving arms and marvel at the radiance of my eyes, the golden glamour of my hair, the velvety softness of my pink cheeks, while you tell me you love me, I shall smile.
And you will be content thinking that I smile because of love for you. You will wonder at my naivete, at my simplicity, and innocence. You do not know of my rows and rows of expensive jars that make me beautiful. You do not guess that untold experience has made me “simple.”
And when you draw me even closer to you and kiss me again, more passionately, while you smile at my sweet demureness and simplicity, I too will smile, because with all your vast knowledge of women—dear boy, you are so simple!
* * *
“This falls just a little below my expectations,” said the blushing young thing to her dressmaker as she surveyed herself in the mirror. As to what the blushing young thing meant by expectations, you can use your own judgment.
* * *
No, gentle reader, the bull durham outfit is not responsible for the practice: “Roll Your Own.”
* * *
“The man I marry must have common sense,” she said. But the party broke up when I remarked, “He won’t have.”
* * *
“I thank you for the Flowers you sent,”She said.I’m sorry for the words I spokeLast Night.Your sending me those flowers made allThings right.Will you forgive me? He forgave her.And as they kissed again beneathThe bowers,He wondered who the deuce sent herThose flowers.
“I thank you for the Flowers you sent,”She said.I’m sorry for the words I spokeLast Night.Your sending me those flowers made allThings right.Will you forgive me? He forgave her.And as they kissed again beneathThe bowers,He wondered who the deuce sent herThose flowers.
“I thank you for the Flowers you sent,”She said.I’m sorry for the words I spokeLast Night.Your sending me those flowers made allThings right.Will you forgive me? He forgave her.
“I thank you for the Flowers you sent,”
She said.
I’m sorry for the words I spoke
Last Night.
Your sending me those flowers made all
Things right.
Will you forgive me? He forgave her.
And as they kissed again beneathThe bowers,He wondered who the deuce sent herThose flowers.
And as they kissed again beneath
The bowers,
He wondered who the deuce sent her
Those flowers.
* * *
She told him: “There’s no fun in a graveyard; give me my flowers now.”
* * *
Just as Ye Printer (get that Ye stuff) was finishing up slapping this crazy stuff in the form we received the following telegram from the boss, sent from Los Onglaze: “HAVE LEARNED THAT WHIZ BANG HAS THE LARGEST CIRCULATION HERE OF ANY TWENTY-FIVE CENT MAGAZINE PUBLISHED ANYWHERE. I AM LEAVING TOMORROW FOR TIAJUANA AND WILL VISIT MORE MOVIE STUDIOS HERE NEXT WEEK. THEN I GO TO HONOLULU.”
Well, by the time this reaches the readers, the boss will be running around loose in the Paradise of hulas, volcanoes, beaches, painted fish and sensuous climates.
The Annual Is Out!Whiz Bang’s greatest book—The Winter Annual Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22—hot off the press. Orders are now being mailed. There will be no delay as long as the supply lasts. If your news stand’s quota is sold out—PIN A DOLLAR BILLOr your check, money order or stampsTo the coupon on the opposite page.And receive our 256-page bound volume of jokes, jests, jingles, stories, pot pourri, mail bag and Smokehouse poetry. The best collection ever put in print.REMEMBER, FOLKLast year our Annual (which was only one-fourth as large as the 1921-22 book) was sold out on the Pacific Coast within three or four days, and not a copy could be boughtanywherein the United States within ten days.So hurry up! First Come will be First Served!Pin your dollar bill to the coupon and mail to the Whiz Bang Farm, Robbinsdale, Minn.Don’t write for early back copies of our regular issues.We haven’t any left.
Whiz Bang’s greatest book—The Winter Annual Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22—hot off the press. Orders are now being mailed. There will be no delay as long as the supply lasts. If your news stand’s quota is sold out—
PIN A DOLLAR BILL
Or your check, money order or stampsTo the coupon on the opposite page.
And receive our 256-page bound volume of jokes, jests, jingles, stories, pot pourri, mail bag and Smokehouse poetry. The best collection ever put in print.
REMEMBER, FOLK
Last year our Annual (which was only one-fourth as large as the 1921-22 book) was sold out on the Pacific Coast within three or four days, and not a copy could be boughtanywherein the United States within ten days.
So hurry up! First Come will be First Served!
Pin your dollar bill to the coupon and mail to the Whiz Bang Farm, Robbinsdale, Minn.
Don’t write for early back copies of our regular issues.
We haven’t any left.
Our Winter AnnualIn addition to republication of gems of earlier issues of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, the first complete Winter Annual of this great family journal contains a large variety of brand new jokes, jests, jingles, pot pourri, stories and smokehouse poetry. This book, Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22, contains four times as much reading matter as the regular issue of the Whiz Bang and sells for one dollar per copy. It is a book which will be cherished by the readers for years to come, and holds the greatest collection of red-blooded poetry yet put in print. Included in the list are:Johnnie and Frankie, The Face on the Barroom Floor, The Shooting of Dan McGrew, The Harpy, Lasca (in full), The Girl in the Blue Velvet Band, Langdon Smith’s “Evolution,” Advice to Men, Advice to Women, Our Own Fairy Queen, Stunning Percy LaDue, Parody on Kipling’s “The Ladies,” Toledo Slim.Orders are now being received and will be mailed in the order in which they are received. Tear off the attached blank and mail to us today with your check, money order or stamps.Whiz Bang,Robbinsdale, Minnesota.Gentlemen:Enclosed is dollar bill, check, money order or stamps for $1.00 for which please send me the Winter Annual of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, “Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22.”NameAddress
In addition to republication of gems of earlier issues of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, the first complete Winter Annual of this great family journal contains a large variety of brand new jokes, jests, jingles, pot pourri, stories and smokehouse poetry. This book, Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22, contains four times as much reading matter as the regular issue of the Whiz Bang and sells for one dollar per copy. It is a book which will be cherished by the readers for years to come, and holds the greatest collection of red-blooded poetry yet put in print. Included in the list are:
Johnnie and Frankie, The Face on the Barroom Floor, The Shooting of Dan McGrew, The Harpy, Lasca (in full), The Girl in the Blue Velvet Band, Langdon Smith’s “Evolution,” Advice to Men, Advice to Women, Our Own Fairy Queen, Stunning Percy LaDue, Parody on Kipling’s “The Ladies,” Toledo Slim.
Johnnie and Frankie, The Face on the Barroom Floor, The Shooting of Dan McGrew, The Harpy, Lasca (in full), The Girl in the Blue Velvet Band, Langdon Smith’s “Evolution,” Advice to Men, Advice to Women, Our Own Fairy Queen, Stunning Percy LaDue, Parody on Kipling’s “The Ladies,” Toledo Slim.
Orders are now being received and will be mailed in the order in which they are received. Tear off the attached blank and mail to us today with your check, money order or stamps.
Whiz Bang,Robbinsdale, Minnesota.
Gentlemen:
Enclosed is dollar bill, check, money order or stamps for $1.00 for which please send me the Winter Annual of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, “Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22.”
Name
Address
Everywhere!Whiz Bangis on sale at all leading hotels, news stands, 25 cents single copies; on trains 30 cents, or may be ordered direct from the publisher at 25 cents single copies; two-fifty a year.One dollar for the WINTER ANNUAL.A bull
Everywhere!
Whiz Bangis on sale at all leading hotels, news stands, 25 cents single copies; on trains 30 cents, or may be ordered direct from the publisher at 25 cents single copies; two-fifty a year.
One dollar for the WINTER ANNUAL.
A bull