* * *
I went into a restaurant. I said, “Have you got anything fit for a hog to eat?”
He said, “Yes, what do you want?”
* * *
When a married man gets his hair cut, his wife loses her strongest hold on him.
* * *
The barber has a scraping acquaintance with a great many people.
* * *
“The mean old thing wouldn’t lettuce.”
“Can we take a little spin-ach?”
“No, I’ll see my car-rot first.”
* * *
There is something mysteriously attractive about all mysteries—except hash.
* * *
A request has come from a Philadelphia reader that all our jokes be written on tissue paper so that he can see through them.
* * *
(From Sedalia Correspondence of Rogers Democrat)
Mrs. Albert Evans didn’t have good luck with her incubator. She had only thirty little chicks, but she is undaunted and she is setting again.
* * *
Mary wears her new short skirt,Cut just about in half;Who cares a slam ’bout Mary’s lamb,Now we can see her calf?
Mary wears her new short skirt,Cut just about in half;Who cares a slam ’bout Mary’s lamb,Now we can see her calf?
Mary wears her new short skirt,Cut just about in half;Who cares a slam ’bout Mary’s lamb,Now we can see her calf?
Mary wears her new short skirt,
Cut just about in half;
Who cares a slam ’bout Mary’s lamb,
Now we can see her calf?
* * *
The woman with a past is always glad to see a man with a present.
* * *
By A. Balland Batt.
“When the Baseball season starts, Sweetheart, I’ll be running home to you.”
* * *
Miss Marrietta Nutt will now render the latest “catch”. “The toy shop business is booming since they show their Teddy bears.”
* * *
I saw a girl the other day who was so bashful she asked for a lady clerk when she wanted to buy some Arbuckle’s coffee.
* * *
All smokers are inveterate;Their vice becomes inured,Only a ham can smoke and smoke,And smoking still be cured.
All smokers are inveterate;Their vice becomes inured,Only a ham can smoke and smoke,And smoking still be cured.
All smokers are inveterate;Their vice becomes inured,Only a ham can smoke and smoke,And smoking still be cured.
All smokers are inveterate;
Their vice becomes inured,
Only a ham can smoke and smoke,
And smoking still be cured.
* * *
I kicked a mongrel cur,He uttered a mournful wail.Where did I kick him, Sir?Ah! Thereby hangs a tail.
I kicked a mongrel cur,He uttered a mournful wail.Where did I kick him, Sir?Ah! Thereby hangs a tail.
I kicked a mongrel cur,He uttered a mournful wail.Where did I kick him, Sir?Ah! Thereby hangs a tail.
I kicked a mongrel cur,
He uttered a mournful wail.
Where did I kick him, Sir?
Ah! Thereby hangs a tail.
* * *
The most disgusting sight in the world is to see another fellow in an automobile with your best girl.
* * *
The old inhabitant says, “I kin remember when a young lady passed you, you always could hear the rustle of stiffly starched skirts.”
* * *
I wish I was a crow’s eggAs bad as bad can be,All cuddled up in a little nestWay up in a big tree.And when a grinning little boyLooked up at me in glee,I’d bust my naughty little selfAnd sprinkle him with me.
I wish I was a crow’s eggAs bad as bad can be,All cuddled up in a little nestWay up in a big tree.And when a grinning little boyLooked up at me in glee,I’d bust my naughty little selfAnd sprinkle him with me.
I wish I was a crow’s eggAs bad as bad can be,All cuddled up in a little nestWay up in a big tree.And when a grinning little boyLooked up at me in glee,I’d bust my naughty little selfAnd sprinkle him with me.
I wish I was a crow’s egg
As bad as bad can be,
All cuddled up in a little nest
Way up in a big tree.
And when a grinning little boy
Looked up at me in glee,
I’d bust my naughty little self
And sprinkle him with me.
* * *
Now on one hand she has an immense fortune and on the other hand she has warts.
* * *
When a girl casts her bread upon the waters, she expects it to come back in the shape of a wedding cake.
* * *
One of the season’s popular football rooters’ song is that old familiar ballad “After the Ball.”
* * *
It’s easy to stay two-thirds pickled all day,Get drunk and sleep out in the yard,But to put in a night without one drink in sight;It’s the getting back sober that’s hard.
It’s easy to stay two-thirds pickled all day,Get drunk and sleep out in the yard,But to put in a night without one drink in sight;It’s the getting back sober that’s hard.
It’s easy to stay two-thirds pickled all day,Get drunk and sleep out in the yard,But to put in a night without one drink in sight;It’s the getting back sober that’s hard.
It’s easy to stay two-thirds pickled all day,
Get drunk and sleep out in the yard,
But to put in a night without one drink in sight;
It’s the getting back sober that’s hard.
* * *
Love is a hallucination that makes an otherwise sane man believe he can set up housekeeping on a gas stove and a canary bird.
* * *
When I’m dead bury me deep,Bury me in the middle of St. Peter street;Put my hands across my chestAnd tell the girls I’ve gone to rest.
When I’m dead bury me deep,Bury me in the middle of St. Peter street;Put my hands across my chestAnd tell the girls I’ve gone to rest.
When I’m dead bury me deep,Bury me in the middle of St. Peter street;Put my hands across my chestAnd tell the girls I’ve gone to rest.
When I’m dead bury me deep,
Bury me in the middle of St. Peter street;
Put my hands across my chest
And tell the girls I’ve gone to rest.
* * *
“What a curve,” said the garter, as it came around the last stretch.
* * *
Many a girl who never had her ears pierced has frequently had them bored.
Movie Hot Stuff
Mrs. Juanita M. Cohen has filed a heart-balm suit for $50,000 against Jackie Saunders for the loss of the love and affection of J. Warde Cohen, her husband. Jackie affirms that Mr. Cohen has no love for his wife and that no pretty stranger can steal anything which doesn’t exist. Jackie and her lawyers cite several scenes that have taken place between the Cohens, all to prove that the little God Eros was not about. Rather a clever way to turn the matter about, Jackie!
* * *
At several recent parties and dinners attended by film stars and given since the Arbuckle affair has been disclosed, the picture people have not refused cocktails or wine offered by the host. The picture people have been drinking their cocktails with a bit of defiance as if to show the world that “there are plenty of us who can drink with moderation and do nothing to hurt our neighbor or disgrace the community.”
Before prohibition made such conditions imperative, all of us might have thought the party a bit too free and careless if drinks wereserved in hotel bedrooms and prelude parties to hotel dinners given on the upper floors. For those who still believe in the free rights of the individual, hotel bedroom drinking is the only kind allowed by law. Perhaps if the Arbuckle party had been allowed to order their drinks in a hotel lobby or tea-room, the tragedy of Miss Rappe’s death would never have occurred.
At any rate, let it be said that at two large dinner parties given since the Arbuckle affair, the film people drank with decorum and several Pasadena and Los Angeles millionaire society men were the ones laid out to “rest and recuperate!”
Another party planned to take place on a yacht equipped with “orchid and rose suites,” promising to border on the near dangerous, was declined by a number of prominent Hollywood stars. The party took place without the film folk, there being plenty of fast folk in the society set to attend who had no professional reputation to protect.
* * *
The divorce case of the Charles Kenyons developed into an Alphonse and Gaston affair. Charlie Kenyon is the author of the successful play “Kindling” and has written many photoplays for the Fox and Goldwyn studios at which he has been employed.
During the hotly contested divorce suit, both accused the other of desertion. Mrs. Kenyon testified that when her husband came home lateat night and she upbraided him concerning the matter, he said he would have to live his own life and if he couldn’t live it there, he would have to go somewhere else. Therefore, Kenyon deserted.
Kenyon, on the other hand, said that his wife deserted him because her actions and treatment of him made going away the only possibly manly act. Quite a paradox for you isn’t it, Judge?
Mrs. Kenyon has previously divorced two husbands. It is said that Kenyon remained a bachelor several years while he waited for the present Mrs. Kenyon to free herself from her last husband and marry him.
* * *
H.H. Waters, scenario writer, was found clad only in a suit of pajamas, the other morning just outside the Hollywood Hotel. He was unconscious and bleeding profusely. The names of the other picture folk who attended the party have been kept under cover.
* * *
Our Guv’ment’s too annoying! The whole blasted Pacific fleet has been back in Los Angeles harbor since September without a movie guest aboard! You see there’s some sort of a board of inspection from Washington going over the nuts and bolts, and its been considered tactful to keep the milk on the table and cover the Victrola!
* * *
While Doug and Mary were recovering from a tremendous ovation in London and were receiving a similar welcome in Gay Paree, Charlie Chaplin native Englishman, was being slapped by the press of his native land. The London Post, for example, says this:
“Charlie Chaplin was good enough to remark on the sadness of the faces of the Londoners he met in his walks. Well, we went through a bit of a war while Charlie was in Los Angeles.”
* * *
When the rye is in the meadowAnd the corn is in the shockAnd your cellar’s dry as powderAnd your diamonds all in hock,When the gin is all in HollandAnd the home brew knocked sky-highOh, tell me Captain BillyWhen the milk weed’s going dry.
When the rye is in the meadowAnd the corn is in the shockAnd your cellar’s dry as powderAnd your diamonds all in hock,When the gin is all in HollandAnd the home brew knocked sky-highOh, tell me Captain BillyWhen the milk weed’s going dry.
When the rye is in the meadowAnd the corn is in the shockAnd your cellar’s dry as powderAnd your diamonds all in hock,When the gin is all in HollandAnd the home brew knocked sky-highOh, tell me Captain BillyWhen the milk weed’s going dry.
When the rye is in the meadow
And the corn is in the shock
And your cellar’s dry as powder
And your diamonds all in hock,
When the gin is all in Holland
And the home brew knocked sky-high
Oh, tell me Captain Billy
When the milk weed’s going dry.
* * *
“Bonuses for Babies”Is all the cry In France;And so the largest familiesWill get the biggest chance;But where’s the money coming from?French Law for laughter bidsBy taxing all the bachelorsFor other people’s kids!
“Bonuses for Babies”Is all the cry In France;And so the largest familiesWill get the biggest chance;But where’s the money coming from?French Law for laughter bidsBy taxing all the bachelorsFor other people’s kids!
“Bonuses for Babies”Is all the cry In France;And so the largest familiesWill get the biggest chance;But where’s the money coming from?French Law for laughter bidsBy taxing all the bachelorsFor other people’s kids!
“Bonuses for Babies”
Is all the cry In France;
And so the largest families
Will get the biggest chance;
But where’s the money coming from?
French Law for laughter bids
By taxing all the bachelors
For other people’s kids!
* * *
The nox was lit by the lux of Luna,It was a nox most opportuna,To catch a possum or a coona.The nix was scattered o’er the Mundus,A shallow nix et non profundus.
The nox was lit by the lux of Luna,It was a nox most opportuna,To catch a possum or a coona.The nix was scattered o’er the Mundus,A shallow nix et non profundus.
The nox was lit by the lux of Luna,It was a nox most opportuna,To catch a possum or a coona.The nix was scattered o’er the Mundus,A shallow nix et non profundus.
The nox was lit by the lux of Luna,
It was a nox most opportuna,
To catch a possum or a coona.
The nix was scattered o’er the Mundus,
A shallow nix et non profundus.
* * *
The undertaker is always able to put up a stiff argument.
Classified Ads
(From San Antonio Express.)
Reward—Lost, Boston female, 8 months old, 12 lbs., mahogany brindle, screw tail, white chest, back of neck and blazed face. Col. M. L. Crimmins, 106 Groveland Place.
* * *
(From St. Louis Post-Dispatch.)
Miss Mabel Wilber, in the leading soprano role of Daisy the Barmaid, later Little Boy Blue, sang well and wore several masculine costumes which showed her versatility.
* * *
(San Francisco Chronicle.)
Young man, 28, wishes the acquaintance of a lonely, stout lady; object mat. Box 500, Chronicle Branch, San Jose.
* * *
(From the Bald Knob, Ark., Eagle.)
A jolly bunch of our young people went on a kodaking expedition Sunday that resulted in many exposures and a very enjoyable time.
* * *
(From the Graceville, Minn., Enterprise.)
Born—To Mr. and Mrs. G. C. Heimann, Sunday, August 7th, a son.
You can get one this month only for $40.00. See Chris. Nelson, The Tailor.
* * *
The timid girl appreciates the sympathy that makes a man feel for her in the dark.
* * *
The late Cy Warman, who deserted railway literature for a real railway job in Montreal, told this story at a luncheon not long before his death:
A Scotchman came upon an automobile overturned at a railway crossing. Beside it lay a man all smashed up.
“Get a doctor,” he moaned.
“Did the train hit you?” asked the Scotchman.
“Yes, yes; get a doctor.”
“Has the claim agent been here yet?”
“No, no; please get a doctor.”
“Move over, you,” said the Scot, “till I lie down beside you.”
* * *
There are meters of accent,There are meters of tone,But the best way to meet herIs to meter alone.There are letters of accentThere are letters of tone,But the best way to letterIs to letter alone.
There are meters of accent,There are meters of tone,But the best way to meet herIs to meter alone.There are letters of accentThere are letters of tone,But the best way to letterIs to letter alone.
There are meters of accent,There are meters of tone,But the best way to meet herIs to meter alone.
There are meters of accent,
There are meters of tone,
But the best way to meet her
Is to meter alone.
There are letters of accentThere are letters of tone,But the best way to letterIs to letter alone.
There are letters of accent
There are letters of tone,
But the best way to letter
Is to letter alone.
* * *
The fancy display in hosiery on a rainy day affects a man’s eyes to such an extent that he is always anxious to see it clear up.
* * *
Playing with loaded dice is shaky business at best.
* * *
It usually takes a St. Patrick’s Day parade longer to pass a bootlegging joint than any other point on the line of march.
* * *
The following is an original advertisement appearing in the Genesee (Idaho) News:
Eight Months’ Warning.After October 1st, all babies C. O. D.W. H. Ehlen, M. D.H. Rouse, M. D.
Eight Months’ Warning.
After October 1st, all babies C. O. D.
W. H. Ehlen, M. D.H. Rouse, M. D.
* * *
Age and her little brother will always tell on a girl.
* * *
They nicknamed the baby Steamboat because they used a paddle behind.
* * *
A little boy wrote a composition on man and he said it was a person split half way up and who walks on the split end.
* * *
The pulse of Napoleon is said to have made only 50 beats a minute.
* * *
According to new regulations in the British army, each soldier in barracks is allowed 600 cubic feet of air space, and if the diet of the British soldier is the same as that of the Yank, the 600 feet is none too much.
Our Rural Mail Box
Dorothy—Your friend has been spoofing you. Beware of freak poker games. If you want to bet, cross the line to Tiajuana.
* * *
George—Stick ’em under the mattress to crease ’em but don’t have the baby in bed.
* * *
Stock Clerk—There is only one sure way of making money following the ponies.
* * *
Madame Bozo—Stout women should not wear tight waists. Sizes up to 48 bust in basement.
* * *
Howsitt Pheal—You won’t mind wearing amber glasses in the Islands, Howsitt, you’ll get color blind anyhow.
* * *
Dottie—When he begins by saying, “Little girl, I’m old enough to be your father”—well, look out!
* * *
George—It is rude for a man to fall asleep while his wife is talking, but a man has to sleep some time.
* * *
Nisbet—You’re like the Scotchman who said “Don’t be backward in coming forward.”
* * *
Luscious Lizzie—It is not considered correct table manners to blow on your coffee to cool it. You had better pour it in your saucer.
* * *
Silas Sawyer—Chewing tobacco is all right in its place. Refrain, however, from using it for decorative purposes.
* * *
Al B. Kirk—A Whuzzat is a trained tobacco-chewing dog employed by the Southern Railway to run alongside of fast express trains to spit on the coach trucks to keep the hot boxes from burning.
* * *
Fat Man—Your meaning is not quite clear. Do I understand you to say you cannot dance except with a concave partner?
* * *
Johnny—I can’t use your story of the stove-pipe. It isn’t clean.
* * *
Sapp—If you want a set of teeth inserted, would advise that you go and kick some cross bull dog.
* * *
Restauranteur—A swell meal would be dried apples and water, and you can get a chicken dinner for ten cents at any feed store.
A Christmas Gift!Whiz Bang’s greatest book—The Winter Annual Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22—hot off the press. Orders are now being mailed. There will be no delay as long as the supply lasts. If your news stand’s quota is sold out—PIN A DOLLAR BILLOr your check, money order or stampsTo the coupon on the opposite page.And receive our 256-page bound volume of jokes, jests, jingles, stories, pot pourri, mail bag and Smokehouse poetry. The best collection ever put in print.REMEMBER, FOLKLast year our Annual (which was only one-fourth as large as the 1921-22 book) was sold out on the Pacific Coast within three or four days, and not a copy could be boughtanywherein the United States within ten days.So hurry up! First Come will be First Served!Pin your dollar bill to the coupon and mail to the Whiz Bang Farm, Robbinsdale, Minn.Don’t write for early back copies of our regular issues.We haven’t any left.
Whiz Bang’s greatest book—The Winter Annual Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22—hot off the press. Orders are now being mailed. There will be no delay as long as the supply lasts. If your news stand’s quota is sold out—
PIN A DOLLAR BILL
Or your check, money order or stampsTo the coupon on the opposite page.
And receive our 256-page bound volume of jokes, jests, jingles, stories, pot pourri, mail bag and Smokehouse poetry. The best collection ever put in print.
REMEMBER, FOLK
Last year our Annual (which was only one-fourth as large as the 1921-22 book) was sold out on the Pacific Coast within three or four days, and not a copy could be boughtanywherein the United States within ten days.
So hurry up! First Come will be First Served!
Pin your dollar bill to the coupon and mail to the Whiz Bang Farm, Robbinsdale, Minn.
Don’t write for early back copies of our regular issues.
We haven’t any left.
Our Winter AnnualIn addition to republication of gems of earlier issues of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, the first complete Winter Annual of this great family journal contains a large variety of brand new jokes, jests, jingles, pot pourri, stories and smokehouse poetry. This book, Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22, contains four times as much reading matter as the regular Issue of the Whiz Bang and sells for one dollar per copy. It is a book which will be cherished by the readers for years to come, and holds the greatest collection of red-blooded poetry yet put in print. Included in the list are:Johnnie and Frankie, The Face on the Barroom Floor, The Shooting of Dan McGrew, The Harpy, Lasca (in full), The Girl in the Blue Velvet Band, Langdon Smith’s “Evolution,” Advice to Men, Advice to Women, Our Own Fairy Queen, Stunning Percy LaDue, Parody on Kipling’s “The Ladies,” Toledo Slim.Orders are now being received and will be mailed in the order in which they are received. Tear off the attached blank and mail to us today with your check, money order or stamps.Whiz Bang,Robbinsdale, Minnesota.Gentlemen:Enclosed is dollar bill, check, money order or stamps for $1.00 for which please send me the Winter Annual of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, “Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22.”NameAddress
In addition to republication of gems of earlier issues of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, the first complete Winter Annual of this great family journal contains a large variety of brand new jokes, jests, jingles, pot pourri, stories and smokehouse poetry. This book, Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22, contains four times as much reading matter as the regular Issue of the Whiz Bang and sells for one dollar per copy. It is a book which will be cherished by the readers for years to come, and holds the greatest collection of red-blooded poetry yet put in print. Included in the list are:
Johnnie and Frankie, The Face on the Barroom Floor, The Shooting of Dan McGrew, The Harpy, Lasca (in full), The Girl in the Blue Velvet Band, Langdon Smith’s “Evolution,” Advice to Men, Advice to Women, Our Own Fairy Queen, Stunning Percy LaDue, Parody on Kipling’s “The Ladies,” Toledo Slim.
Johnnie and Frankie, The Face on the Barroom Floor, The Shooting of Dan McGrew, The Harpy, Lasca (in full), The Girl in the Blue Velvet Band, Langdon Smith’s “Evolution,” Advice to Men, Advice to Women, Our Own Fairy Queen, Stunning Percy LaDue, Parody on Kipling’s “The Ladies,” Toledo Slim.
Orders are now being received and will be mailed in the order in which they are received. Tear off the attached blank and mail to us today with your check, money order or stamps.
Whiz Bang,Robbinsdale, Minnesota.
Gentlemen:
Enclosed is dollar bill, check, money order or stamps for $1.00 for which please send me the Winter Annual of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, “Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22.”
Name
Address
Everywhere!Whiz Bangis on sale at all leading hotels, news stands, 25 cents single copies; on trains 30 cents, or may be ordered direct from the publisher at 25 cents single copies; two-fifty a year.One dollar for the WINTER ANNUAL.A bull
Everywhere!
Whiz Bangis on sale at all leading hotels, news stands, 25 cents single copies; on trains 30 cents, or may be ordered direct from the publisher at 25 cents single copies; two-fifty a year.
One dollar for the WINTER ANNUAL.
A bull