Movie Hot Stuff

Clara Smith Hamon, now Mrs. John Gorman, is no longer in possession of her $2,500 automobile. The car was recently attached for payments overdue. Her picture “Fate” was given its final death blow as a money producer when the Arbuckle affair roused the censorship broil anew.

* * *

Because his old friend Claire Windsor met Charlie Chaplin at the depot in Los Angeles on his recent return from Europe, the newspapers hinted a new romance. However, Whiz Bang’s astute investigators did not go to the depot, but upon taking a chance peek into Charlie’s drawing room, discovered among a very few close friends, little May Collins and her mama.

Evidently the little Collins-Chaplin romance is still on. Pretty foxie, Charlie!

* * *

Married men out west are having an awful time. You know the cleverest hold-up men and crooks in the U. S. A. beat it for California every fall to keep abreast to the tourist wealth which goes west as well.These desperadoes often take an auto of an evening, drive into the suburban towns or near the lonely stretches of Pacific beach, and hold up loving couples who are spooning in autos along the roadside. Now, you see if you happen to be married and are out with the pretty steno or an extra girl, and you are held up, relieved of diamonds, watches and money, you can’t very well report it to the police, can you? Reporters have an annoying way of getting news from police chiefs and, regardless of your rage against thugs and hold-up men, you surmise it would be better to swallow your loss.

* * *

Domestic note—Alice Brady, who in private life is Mrs. Thomas Crane, has retired from stage and screen, it is said, in anticipation of an interesting family event.

* * *

From “location” to a “one night stand” in the county jail was the recent plight of Texas Guinan, film beauty and former musical comedy favorite. Approximately fifteen hours the movie star basked in the bastile, and all on account of an unpaid old grocery bill.

The turnkeys are glad she is out. They are willing she reign on Broadways if she will keep herself out of prison row. The tank heroes shaved themselves as never before, donned Sunday neckties and bartered keepsakes for standing room back of the great steel doorway wherethey might perchance catch a glimpse of Texas. However, they were disappointed, for Texas was temperamental and made no appearance in the downstairs “prison drawing room.” Nosegays and noes arrived, but Texas announced from her “dressing room” that she never “received” before noon. According to rumors, Mrs. Peete and Madalynne Obenchain displayed real professional jealousy.

* * *

By James Whitcomb Riley.

’Twas a summer ago, when he left me here,A summer of smiles with never a tear,Till I said to him, with a sob: my dear,Good-by, my lover, good-by!For I love him, oh! as the stars love night!And my cheeks for him flushed red and whiteWhen first he called me his heart’s delight.Good-by, my lover, good-by!The touch of his hand was a thing divine,As he sat with me in the soft moonshine,And drank of love as men drink wine.Good-by, my lover, good-by!And never a night as I knelt in prayer,In a gown as white as our own souls wear,But in fancy he came and kissed me there:Good-by, my lover, good-by!But now, God! what an empty placeMy whole heart is! Of the old embraceAnd the kiss I loved there lives no trace:Good-by, my lover, good-by!He sailed not over the stormy sea,And he went not down in the waves—not he;But, oh! he is lost, for he married me:Good-by, my lover, good-by!

’Twas a summer ago, when he left me here,A summer of smiles with never a tear,Till I said to him, with a sob: my dear,Good-by, my lover, good-by!

’Twas a summer ago, when he left me here,

A summer of smiles with never a tear,

Till I said to him, with a sob: my dear,

Good-by, my lover, good-by!

For I love him, oh! as the stars love night!And my cheeks for him flushed red and whiteWhen first he called me his heart’s delight.Good-by, my lover, good-by!

For I love him, oh! as the stars love night!

And my cheeks for him flushed red and white

When first he called me his heart’s delight.

Good-by, my lover, good-by!

The touch of his hand was a thing divine,As he sat with me in the soft moonshine,And drank of love as men drink wine.Good-by, my lover, good-by!

The touch of his hand was a thing divine,

As he sat with me in the soft moonshine,

And drank of love as men drink wine.

Good-by, my lover, good-by!

And never a night as I knelt in prayer,In a gown as white as our own souls wear,But in fancy he came and kissed me there:Good-by, my lover, good-by!

And never a night as I knelt in prayer,

In a gown as white as our own souls wear,

But in fancy he came and kissed me there:

Good-by, my lover, good-by!

But now, God! what an empty placeMy whole heart is! Of the old embraceAnd the kiss I loved there lives no trace:Good-by, my lover, good-by!

But now, God! what an empty place

My whole heart is! Of the old embrace

And the kiss I loved there lives no trace:

Good-by, my lover, good-by!

He sailed not over the stormy sea,And he went not down in the waves—not he;But, oh! he is lost, for he married me:Good-by, my lover, good-by!

He sailed not over the stormy sea,

And he went not down in the waves—not he;

But, oh! he is lost, for he married me:

Good-by, my lover, good-by!

* * *

The oil field filosopher reports the following:

My father got rich selling tickets at the moving picture show. When a man came up to buy a ticket he would throw down a two dollar bill or a five. Father would blow his breath in his face and say, “How many?” The man would say, “Oh, never mind, keep the change.”

* * *

Just because you’re a ham, you needn’t think you’re Swift. That’s all the jokes I know, but there Armour.

* * *

Steamer Captain—Save yourself! The vessel is going down. Here, sir (to indifferent passenger), what are you passing that hat for in a situation like this?

Passenger—I’m just providing a sinking fund for our widows and orphans, captain.

* * *

“I’ve got the fastest typist in the city.”

“Well, that’s the only complaint I have against mine.”

* * *

Some marriages make one wonder why a man should want to keep a cow when free milk is running down the gutter. A ladle costs less than a cradle.

* * *

“Good mornin’ this evenin’, how do you do tomorrow?”

“Got any good drinking water?”

“Would you mind giving a poor man a drink of liquor?”

“I’m so hungry, I ain’t got nowhere to stay all night?”

* * *

“Dat may all be,” reckons Raspin’ Rastus, when told that the Good Book says the lion and lamb lie down together, “But ah cain’t fin’ no place where it says dat lamb eber got up.”

* * *

“Act as if the destiny of the universe depended on your acts.”

* * *

My girl is so pretty that whenever she boards a street car, the advertising is a total loss.

* * *

During the Middle Ages rich men condemned to death would hire substitutes to die in their places. Many poor people made a living in such manner.

* * *

Say, dear, how’d you like to open my pay envelope?

* * *

She’s the kippiest kid,Hair of gold, baby eyesAnd a wonderful figure.Oh boy, how she can love.Many times a dayI caress her cheek,Her mouth her nose.She jealously guards me.I live where wise menFear to peep.I’m some guy, I am,Yea brother,I’m some powder puff.

She’s the kippiest kid,

Hair of gold, baby eyes

And a wonderful figure.

Oh boy, how she can love.

Many times a day

I caress her cheek,

Her mouth her nose.

She jealously guards me.

I live where wise men

Fear to peep.

I’m some guy, I am,

Yea brother,

I’m some powder puff.

* * *

A mission worker on the lower East Side, New York, was telling the story of Adam and Eve to a group of tough kids. When he was through, one boy asked Hard-boiled Muggsy what it was all about.

“I’ll tell yer,” said Muggsy, “there was a guy and a ‘broad’ in a garden. They ‘snitched’ an apple; a snake ‘peached’ on ’em, and God said tuhel with ’em.”

* * *

Someday—I’m going to take—Somebody—Somewhere—where there isn’t anybody—and—Somehow—I’m going to give her a sweet kiss—Something—she wants—and then—Sometime—later—she’ll find—Someway—to get me away—some—Summer—day—to get—Somemore—of the same thing.

Someday—I’m going to take—

Somebody—

Somewhere—where there isn’t anybody—and—

Somehow—I’m going to give her a sweet kiss—

Something—she wants—and then—

Sometime—later—she’ll find—

Someway—to get me away—some—

Summer—day—to get—

Somemore—of the same thing.

Classified Ads

(From Zanesville Times-Recorder)

Miss Mayite Collins has sued John L. Nelson at Columbus for $5,000.00 damages as the result of an accident on the bathing-beach toboggan at Buckeye Lake last July. Miss Collins says she picked up a splinter while sliding down the toboggan, severely wounding her dignity.

* * *

(From Omaha Bee)

More ladies wanted for decorating pillows at home. Experience unnecessary.

* * *

(From the London Post)

T. B. (Maiden Lane)—Very many thanks—and more power to your elbow. Best wishes to Madame and “her wicked sister.”

* * *

(From the Nashville Tennessean.)

Account husband traveling and being uneasy at nights will rent one or two rooms to congenial gentlemen at moderate rate in modern brick home; easy walking distance. Apply in person, 1506 McGavock.

* * *

(From the Jersey Journal.)

WANTED—Stout model and perfect medium figure for corset promenade for three evenings. Apply at once, 162 Monticello Ave.

* * *

A fool friend can wield a hammer as effectively as a bitter enemy.

* * *

An old colored mammy whose husband had just successfully sued for divorce came slowly down the court-house steps, talking to herself: “Dar ain’t no justice in dis heah wo’ld. Dat useless ol’ husband of mine he got his divorce, he got de house, got de money, got mah free chil’en and dey ain’t none of ’em his’n.”

* * *

I held her in my arms.“Do you believeIn free love?”I asked.“No!” she repliedIndignantly,“But ... ummKiss me again!”

I held her in my arms.

“Do you believe

In free love?”

I asked.

“No!” she replied

Indignantly,

“But ... umm

Kiss me again!”

I likeThe way fellowsSpeak ofMY womanMY girl....Such isThe conceitOf man!

I like

The way fellows

Speak of

MY woman

MY girl....

Such is

The conceit

Of man!

* * *

Perhaps Luther was right when he said that God is a piece of white paper upon which every man draws a picture of his own face.

* * *

Lotta—“What gave George that awful cold?”

Bull—“I don’t know, but I saw him out on the lawn with a mighty thin girl last night.”

* * *

(From Our Navy)

“The rifle is the marine’s best friend,” he said. “He must never neglect it. He must treat it as he treats his wife and wipe it over with an oily rag twice a day.”

* * *

A dainty little blonde miss of twenty-two stepped into a phone booth. She drew forth from a small trunk (called a vanity case) a nickel. She placed the nickel in the slot with the softest, white and well kept hands that anyone has seen. She took up the receiver and with a soft sweet voice of a great singer spoke the number to the operator. She waited and waited and waited and waited, first on one foot and then on the other. She had waited an awful long time. All of a sudden she banged the receiver down and hissed between her lovely, pearly teeth, a well sounded “Damn it.”

* * *

The fellow who asks a girl for a kiss doesn’t stand half a chance with the live wire who kisses a girl first and then asks her how she likes it.

* * *

Wife (to attractive husband)—“Have you kissed the new cook yet, William?”

Husband—“Why—er—no.”

Wife—“Well, stupid, what are you waiting for? You know what a hard time we had to get her.”

* * *

People who live in rag houses shouldn’t throw bones.

* * *

Hear John West got two years for stealing a horse?

Yes, serves him right. Why didn’t he buy it and not pay?

* * *

Preacher—Don’t you know it’s wrong to put worms on that hook and insert it in a fish?

Johnnie—These aren’t worms, but that’s what the other suckers thought.

* * *

The strength of a kiss is generally measured by its length.—Byron.

* * *

“Why is it,” asks the exchange man of The Arkansas Gazette, “that a man rarely grows too old or too religious to get a thrill out of telling what a devil he was in his youth?”

* * *

Man proposes, woman supposes, marriage composes and divorce exposes.

* * *

BY THE GEORGIA CRACKER

As the music began, the lights grew soft and dim. I watched the couples as they passed like phantoms in the darkness.

Then I saw her, dancing with some wretched novice who could scarcely keep on his feet. How lovely and how wretched she looked.

“Kathleen!” I exclaimed, half aloud, and advanced.

“May I break?” I asked, and took her into my arms.

Her dancing—how can I describe it? She moved like some sprite—sure-footed languorous, as light as a summer cloud.

Drawing her to me, I suited my steps to the slow, yearning melody of the waltz. As we glided in the semi-darkness, oblivious of the passing couples she pressed her glowing cheek to mine and breathed quickly.

“Oh”—

“Sweetheart, why cannot I hold you like this forever? I feel that you are a part of my very soul!”

“Hold me—oh, hold me tight!”

“I have lived always for this moment. Dearest, you are the only girl in the whole world—youarethe whole world”—

And there, our eyes closed in ecstasy, I kissed her.

“I love you! The universe was made for the rapture of this moment. The stars have shone in vain for ages that they might light your eyes now! All time has been but a prelude to this second! Say you love me! Just say it!”

“Oh, Jimmy, you know I do!”

“Why, Kathleen, this isn’t Jimmy!” I cried.

“And this isn’t Kathleen,” replied the stranger.

Our Rural Mail Box

Jack Tar—Tell her that it was a balloon.

* * *

Ima Frade—If you are gun-shy, go with a soldier, then you’ll soon get used to having arms around you.

* * *

Fumey Gait—A bully game of cards would be Pedro.

* * *

Gracie—The mere fact that the tears run down the back of a cross-eyed person does not indicate they have bacteria.

* * *

Dora Knobs—A cigarette and a bottle of beer are sure to make a delightful breakfast for a lady of careless morals after a night of arduous cavorting.

* * *

Tooth Ache Kid—When suffering from a violent toothache in the hollow of a tooth, fill the cavity with whisky and hold there thirty seconds with your head cocked to one side. Swallow whisky and refill cavity. Repeat this treatment a few hundred times and if it doesn’t give relief, try wood alcohol instead.

* * *

Brother Eagle—When suffering from exhaustion, the patient should be put in a cool shady wine room. A Scotch and soda in a tall thin glass with plenty of ice may be given at intervals, and should a tickling ensue give patient pink sporting page and turn on phonograph. Continue this treatment until patient kicks phonograph into the alley. This is what is known as the negative test and is proof of patient’s recovery.

* * *

Ab. Doman—Yes, married men make the best husbands.

* * *

Kauph E. Keuler—If you can’t drink coffee out of a saucer without scalding your nose, use a bowl.

* * *

Herr Nett—When you make a present to a woman, always leave the cost tag on it; it will save her a trip downtown.

* * *

All Readers—I would like to know whether a zebra is a white animal with black stripes or a black animal with white stripes.—Captain Billy.

* * *

Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow your bootlegger may get caught.

Whiz Bang City, Oklahoma

Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang is the first magazine to have a “city” named after it.

The thriving little oil town of Oklahoma has been christened Whiz Bang City. The picture shown on this page is by courtesy of Vince Dillon, photographer of Fairfax, Okla. Upon close examination, “kind readers” note that all of the buildings are new and that a truck standing in front of the garage bears the sign Nitroglycerine. However, there is no connection between nitroglycerine and the Whiz Bang. It is true that we have an explosion, but ours is harmless, and used to blow out the spleen of the American human instead of Mother Earth.

Well, anyway, folk, here’s wishing many happy days to Whiz Bang City and its live citizens.

Our Winter AnnualIn addition to republication of gems of earlier issues of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, the first complete Winter Annual of this great family journal contains a large variety of brand new jokes, jests, jingles, pot pourri stories and smokehouse poetry. This book, Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22, contains four times as much reading matter as the regular issue of the Whiz Bang and sells for one dollar per copy. It is a book which will be cherished by the readers for years to come, and holds the greatest collection of red-blooded poetry yet put in print. Included in the list are:Johnnie and Frankie, The Face on the Barroom Floor, The Shooting of Dan McGrew, The Harpy, Lasca (in full), The Girl in the Blue Velvet Band, Langdon Smith’s “Evolution,” Advice to Men, Advice to Women, Our Own Fairy Queen, Stunning Percy LaDue, Parody on Kipling’s Ladies, Toledo Slim.Orders are now being received and will be mailed in the order in which they are received. Tear off the attached blank and mail to us today with your check, money order or stamps.Whiz Bang,Robbinsdale, MinnesotaGentlemen:Enclosed is dollar bill, check, money order or stamps for $1.00 for which please send me the Winter Annual of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, “Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22.”NameAddress

In addition to republication of gems of earlier issues of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, the first complete Winter Annual of this great family journal contains a large variety of brand new jokes, jests, jingles, pot pourri stories and smokehouse poetry. This book, Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22, contains four times as much reading matter as the regular issue of the Whiz Bang and sells for one dollar per copy. It is a book which will be cherished by the readers for years to come, and holds the greatest collection of red-blooded poetry yet put in print. Included in the list are:

Johnnie and Frankie, The Face on the Barroom Floor, The Shooting of Dan McGrew, The Harpy, Lasca (in full), The Girl in the Blue Velvet Band, Langdon Smith’s “Evolution,” Advice to Men, Advice to Women, Our Own Fairy Queen, Stunning Percy LaDue, Parody on Kipling’s Ladies, Toledo Slim.

Orders are now being received and will be mailed in the order in which they are received. Tear off the attached blank and mail to us today with your check, money order or stamps.

Whiz Bang,Robbinsdale, Minnesota

Gentlemen:

Enclosed is dollar bill, check, money order or stamps for $1.00 for which please send me the Winter Annual of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, “Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22.”

Name

Address

Everywhere!Whiz Bangis on sale at all leading hotels, news stands, 25 cents single copies; on trains 30 cents, or may be ordered direct from the publisher at 25 cents single copies; two-fifty a year.One dollar for the WINTER ANNUAL.A bull

Everywhere!

Whiz Bangis on sale at all leading hotels, news stands, 25 cents single copies; on trains 30 cents, or may be ordered direct from the publisher at 25 cents single copies; two-fifty a year.

One dollar for the WINTER ANNUAL.

A bull

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