Pasture Pot Pourri

Ashes to ashes and dust to dust,If you don’t like my figure,Keep your hands off my shoulders.

Ashes to ashes and dust to dust,

If you don’t like my figure,

Keep your hands off my shoulders.

* * *

“It’s snow use,” said Alvie; “we can’t go tonight.” And he hung up the receiver, while the fluffy flakes fell on the grass outside.

* * *

Biz-z—Biz—Biz-ness.

* * *

“I’m through,” cried Pedro, as he glanced over the Whiz Bang Winter Annual.

* * *

I once knewA GirlWho was so modestThat she wouldn’tEven doImproper Fractions.

I once knew

A Girl

Who was so modest

That she wouldn’t

Even do

Improper Fractions.

* * *

If I was a man in the land of orange and fig,I would sit with my thingamabob, and play on my thingamajig.

If I was a man in the land of orange and fig,

I would sit with my thingamabob, and play on my thingamajig.

* * *

A tramp sat in the doorway of the box car, his feet dragging on the ground.

* * *

They are fools who kiss and tell,Thus it is the poet sings,But that is why so many girlsAre sporting wedding rings.

They are fools who kiss and tell,

Thus it is the poet sings,

But that is why so many girls

Are sporting wedding rings.

* * *

SHE CREPT UP TO THE SCALES LIKE AN ARAB, AND SILENTLY STOLE A WEIGH.

* * *

If at first you don’t succeed, keep on sucking till you do suck seed.

* * *

Mr. Martin of Martin’s Ferry, protests against us writing our jokes on tissue paper so that our Philadelphia friend could see through them.“Tearible,” remarks Mr. Martin.

Mr. Martin of Martin’s Ferry, protests against us writing our jokes on tissue paper so that our Philadelphia friend could see through them.

“Tearible,” remarks Mr. Martin.

* * *

They are all roses, but some of them are pretty wild.

* * *

What care we for Mary’s lamb,Now he’s long been to sleep?We’d rather see her pretty calvesThan those old, pesky sheep.

What care we for Mary’s lamb,

Now he’s long been to sleep?

We’d rather see her pretty calves

Than those old, pesky sheep.

* * *

The cold weather chills me to the bone.

You should wear a hat.

* * *

Suddenly there came a tapping as if someone were scrapping, slapping, rapping all the poets who write “Apologies to Poe”—just outside my chamber door.

* * *

Old Ben Jo’ chewed slippery ellum;Slippery ellum,All the dern day long.

Old Ben Jo’ chewed slippery ellum;

Slippery ellum,

All the dern day long.

* * *

Had a great tip on a horse yesterday called cigarette, but I didn’t have enough tobaccer.

* * *

I love them all, I love them all,Please take me in swimmin’With bow-legged women.For I love them all.

I love them all, I love them all,

Please take me in swimmin’

With bow-legged women.

For I love them all.

* * *

“They sure soak you here,” Gus remarked as he paid for a Turkish bath.

* * *

“How hoarse you are this morning.”

“Yes, my husband got home very late last night.”

* * *

My wife and I have been holding hands for twelve years. If we ever let go we’ll kill one another.

* * *

My bride is a nice girl, but she sleeps with her knees up and the draft gives me a cold.

* * *

I’d like to see something in a lady’s combination.

So would I.

* * *

“Why, honey, I love you with an equatorial passion that no adding machine can register.”

* * *

There she goes on her toes,All dressed up in her Sunday clothes,Ain’t she neat, ain’t she sweet,She has brand new stockings,And nice big clumsy feet.

There she goes on her toes,

All dressed up in her Sunday clothes,

Ain’t she neat, ain’t she sweet,

She has brand new stockings,

And nice big clumsy feet.

* * *

There are a lot of towns in this country that don’t bury their dead. They just let ’em walk around.

* * *

Mr. and Mrs. Fish wish to announce the arrival of a couple of bouncing minnows.

* * *

Musicians have an easy job. While they’re at work they’re only playing.

* * *

I asked the boy across from my farm what he got for planting potatoes. He said, “I don’t get nothin’ when I do, but I get hell when I don’t.”

* * *

I got a fellow so drunk last night that it took three bell boys to put me to bed.

* * *

Wanted: Man to drive. Must bring hammer and nails.

* * *

Eddie was great at a party. In fact, you couldn’t have a party without him. He was a great mixer.

* * *

Oh, Scissors, let us cut up!

Would Gillette me?

* * *

“I’ve come to the end of my rope,” our hero cried as he threw his cigar away.

* * *

He mixed his beans with honey,He’d done it all his life.’Twas not because he liked the taste,But it held them on his knife.

He mixed his beans with honey,

He’d done it all his life.

’Twas not because he liked the taste,

But it held them on his knife.

* * *

Get the habit, like the rabbit—multiply.

* * *

Let us all join in singing that timely melody:

“Keep her picture in your watch—you’ll love her in time.”

* * *

He started life as a chiropodist and worked his way up to be a throat specialist.

* * *

Don’t always stand on the same side of the pulpit. You’ll wear a hole in the carpet.

* * *

Here’s to the girl that I kissed lastWho doesn’t kiss slow and doesn’t kiss fast,With lips like a ruby and cheeks like a rose,How many have kissed her God only knows.

Here’s to the girl that I kissed last

Who doesn’t kiss slow and doesn’t kiss fast,

With lips like a ruby and cheeks like a rose,

How many have kissed her God only knows.

* * *

“I’m the King of Siam!”

“Yesiam!”

* * *

He left the light burning so he could see to go asleep.

* * *

Look out lips, look out gums,Look out tummy, here she comes.

Look out lips, look out gums,

Look out tummy, here she comes.

* * *

Bring on the “moon,”Ring the bell,Near-beer! Near-beer!S.—O.—L.

Bring on the “moon,”

Ring the bell,

Near-beer! Near-beer!

S.—O.—L.

* * *

The funniest thing I ever saw was a cross-eyed woman telling her hump-backed husband to walk straight home.

* * *

Mrs. Murphy asked for a nut cracker and her husband gave her a beer bottle.

* * *

I should worry, I should careI should marry a millionaire.If he should die, I should cry,I should marry my regular guy.

I should worry, I should care

I should marry a millionaire.

If he should die, I should cry,

I should marry my regular guy.

* * *

A little song entitled,“OIL BY MYSELF”By John D.

* * *

She’s a wonderful girl. She can keep a secret in four different languages.

* * *

There is no difference between me and the prohibition agent. We’re both after the same thing.

* * *

The moral of a dog’s tail is that it invariably points to the past.

* * *

We have a terrible lot to be thankful for,Now prohibition’s here,They’ve taken away our whisky, wines and lager beer,They’ll take away our tobacco next,Along with the demon rum,We’ll have a deuce of a lot to be thankful for,If they leave us chewing gum.

We have a terrible lot to be thankful for,

Now prohibition’s here,

They’ve taken away our whisky, wines and lager beer,

They’ll take away our tobacco next,

Along with the demon rum,

We’ll have a deuce of a lot to be thankful for,

If they leave us chewing gum.

* * *

A Jewish sergeant at Camp Lee in 1918 was explaining to a rookie the command, mark time, in the following manner: “Foist you raise yer right foot six inches in de air and then bring the left foot alongside the right one.”

* * *

“Lovely day, don’t you think,” said the man as he hit his thumb with the hammer.

* * *

Two Swedes went to IrelandTo kiss the blarney stone,But they couldn’t catch their lutefiskWhere the River Shannon flows.

Two Swedes went to Ireland

To kiss the blarney stone,

But they couldn’t catch their lutefisk

Where the River Shannon flows.

* * *

Willie, your face has changed quite a bit.

Yes, mother, dear, I’ve been washing it.

* * *

A change of wives ofttimes improves one’s disposition.

* * *

“Who is that terrible looking woman?”

“That’s my sister.”

“Oh, that’s all right; you ought to see mine.”

* * *

After Theophile returned to the city he wrote to Farmer Si Hopkins concerning a question which has been puzzling him for some time.

“Why,” he inscribed, “do you lock up that donkey of yours so carefully every night?”

In due course of time came Farmer Hopkins’ reply. “Because it is too good an *.”

* * *

Hiawatha skinned the squirrel,Just sat down and went and skinned it;Went and skinned it to a finish,From its skin he made some mittens.Made them with the outside inside,Made them with the inside outside,Made them with the fur side inside,Made them with the skin side outside,Made them with the warm side inside,Made them with the cold side outside.Had he placed the fur side outside,Had he placed the skin side inside,Had he placed the outside inside,And the inside insideThen the warm side would have been outside,And the cold side inside,So to get the fur side, warm side inside,Placed the skin side, inside, outside.Now you know why Hiawatha placed the outside, fur side, warm side, inside, and the inside, skin side, cold side, outside.

Hiawatha skinned the squirrel,

Just sat down and went and skinned it;

Went and skinned it to a finish,

From its skin he made some mittens.

Made them with the outside inside,

Made them with the inside outside,

Made them with the fur side inside,

Made them with the skin side outside,

Made them with the warm side inside,

Made them with the cold side outside.

Had he placed the fur side outside,

Had he placed the skin side inside,

Had he placed the outside inside,

And the inside inside

Then the warm side would have been outside,

And the cold side inside,

So to get the fur side, warm side inside,

Placed the skin side, inside, outside.

Now you know why Hiawatha placed the outside, fur side, warm side, inside, and the inside, skin side, cold side, outside.

* * *

For when the One Great Scorer comes to write against your name He writes not that you won or lost, but how you played the game.

* * *

“They don’t look natural,” said the man, as he rolled two threes.

* * *

Tom—“Where have you been for the last three hours?”

Bill—“In the saloon talking to the bartender.”

Tom—“What did he say?”

Bill—“No.”

* * *

At sixteen, risque,Likes a naughty joke;At seventeen, blase,Tries to learn to smoke;At eighteen, mildish,Jolly just the same;At nineteen, childish,Getting rather tame;At twenty, breezy,Merely debonair;At twenty-one, uneasy;So re-bobs her hair;But when she reaches twenty-twoHer rush turns to a shove,For then her motto has become:Love and let love.

At sixteen, risque,

Likes a naughty joke;

At seventeen, blase,

Tries to learn to smoke;

At eighteen, mildish,

Jolly just the same;

At nineteen, childish,

Getting rather tame;

At twenty, breezy,

Merely debonair;

At twenty-one, uneasy;

So re-bobs her hair;

But when she reaches twenty-two

Her rush turns to a shove,

For then her motto has become:

Love and let love.

* * *

Wanted: Man with ugly face to frighten children that play in my yard.

* * *

He’s got a swell noodle,Our friend Ted,He wears an eight and a half hat,For a six and a half head.

He’s got a swell noodle,

Our friend Ted,

He wears an eight and a half hat,

For a six and a half head.

* * *

Man went into German butcher shop and asked price of pork chops. To the reply of 30 cents a pound, he remonstrated that the butcher across the street asked only 20 cents.

“Why don’t you buy them there, then?” asked the German.

“I would, but he’s out,” said the customer.

“Oh, vell, ven I’m oud, I sell ’em for only 10 sends a pound.”

* * *

Here lie the bones of Peter BluntDown in this mothering nook.Alas, he was too small a runtTo argue with a cook.

Here lie the bones of Peter Blunt

Down in this mothering nook.

Alas, he was too small a runt

To argue with a cook.

* * *

“My wife made it hot for me this morning.”

“How was that?”

“I insisted on her getting up to build the fire.”

* * *

If you should marry a hootch houndI’ll tell you what to do.Get a leaky boat and send afloat,And paddle your own canoe.

If you should marry a hootch hound

I’ll tell you what to do.

Get a leaky boat and send afloat,

And paddle your own canoe.

* * *

(From the Charles City, Iowa, Press)

Manager Waterhouse, the movie man, who insists on giving his lady patrons the best, is improving the theater by renovating and decorating the ladies’ parlor and lobby and ladies can—at least, feel that everything is fresh and orderly.

Classified Ads

(From the Spokane Spokesman-Review)

Young man, industrious, wants to meet lady with enough cash to have her chimney swept. Dan Vall.

* * *

(From Richmond, Va., Times Despatch)

Have four daughters; would like to put them in a business of their own. What have you to offer? P.O. Box 1092, City.

* * *

(From The Duluth Herald)

I got 10 aker of fine green timber dat I like for to sell on Miller Trunk Highway near Duluth. It bane yust vat yu want for a gude place to build cabin and have high old time, hunt yack rabbit & everything. I like for to go back to Norway & will sell very sheep. Write Lars Boguson, 1302 E. 8th St.

* * *

(From The Aberdeen World)

WANTED—Girl or lady to stay with me nights; room rent free. A-26, care of World.

* * *

(From Casper, Wyo., Herald)

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN—In justice to my husband to quiet a few rumors to the effect that he had beaten me up, during our recent family trouble, is absolutely untrue. Signed, Mrs. Bessie Peters.

* * *

Jonah came from the whale with an awful cough.

* * *

An Italian was selling plaster of paris busts of great personages on the streets in New York. His cry was “Garibaldi, the greata man ina Italy, George Wash tha greata man ina United States. Tena centa each.”

An American, thinking to have some fun with him, took one of his busts of Garibaldi, dropped it on the pavement and said, “To hell with your Garibaldi.” The wop, not to be outdone, took one of his statues of Washington, threw it on the sidewalk, and said “To hell with your Georga Wash.”

* * *

Jerry recently took Gwendoline for a ride in his new car and returned rather late. Approaching a steep hill he stopped the car, got out and raised the hood.

“What’s the matter now?” asked Gwen.

“I must cool the engine before I try to make that hill,” replied Jerry.

“Oh, goodness alive,” said Gwen, “It is getting so awfully late. Why don’t you strip the gears?”

* * *

“I never spoke a cross word to my wife but once.”

“Quite remarkable, that.”

“Not so very. See that scar?”

* * *

A witty political candidate, after making a speech in an agricultural district, announced that he would be glad to answer any question that might be put to him.

A voice from the audience: “You seem to know a lot about a farmer’s difficulties. May I ask you a question about a momentous one?”

“Certainly,” replied the candidate, nervously.

“How can you tell a bad egg?” went on the merciless voice.

The candidate waited until the laughter had died down, then replied, “If I had anything to tell a bad egg I think I should break it gently.”

He won the place.

* * *

It was only an old beer bottle,Floating across the foam,Just an old beer bottle,Far away from home.Only an old beer bottle,With these sad words written on,“Whoever finds this beer bottle,Will find that the beer’s all gone.”

It was only an old beer bottle,

Floating across the foam,

Just an old beer bottle,

Far away from home.

Only an old beer bottle,

With these sad words written on,

“Whoever finds this beer bottle,

Will find that the beer’s all gone.”

* * *

“I had a queer dream last night, my dear. I thought I saw another man running off with you.”

“What did you say to him?”

“I asked him what he was running for.”

* * *

When you play poker you take a chance; when you marry you have no chance.

* * *

Maids want nothing but husbands; after that they want everything.

* * *

Most of the women who cry at weddings have been married themselves.

* * *

He “hammered” on the door; was answered by a girl who wore a white “sash,” and asked if he could get a “square” meal. He “saw” that the place was “plane” but clean, and “planking” himself down to the table, he “braced” his legs beneath the chair, and “bit” into a Parker “House” roll. His “nails” were rather dirty, but he met the “stairs” of those about him with a “level” glance. After “bolting” his food, he “shingled” off a dollar bill, paid the girl, opining that it was a good place to “board.”

* * *

The tenants who formerly lived on the floor above said that our baby balled them out.

* * *

Maybelle (coquettishly)—You tickle me, Duke.

The Duke—My word, what a strange request!

* * *

Have you everAfter an eveningOf anticipationFinally arrivedAt the crucial momentAnd with aDepth breathTaken the....Initial stepAeons laterA small voiceSomewhere isHeard to say“Don’t”While two armsAbout one’s neckRefute the argument.—Voo Doo.

Have you ever

After an evening

Of anticipation

Finally arrived

At the crucial moment

And with a

Depth breath

Taken the....

Initial step

Aeons later

A small voice

Somewhere is

Heard to say

“Don’t”

While two arms

About one’s neck

Refute the argument.

—Voo Doo.

* * *

Restaurant patron—Have you any whale, waiter?

No, sir.

Have you any shark?

No, sir.

Then give me a T bone steak. God knows I asked for fish.

* * *

“Waiter! There’s a fly in my ice cream.”

“Serves him right; let him freeze.”

Our Rural Mail Box

Lou Z. Lizzie—I quite agree with you. A man who gives you his diamond ring to look at and then wants it back is no gentleman.

* * *

Mary Ellen Slapapple—The fact that your sweetheart gave you two black eyes is striking proof of his affection.

* * *

Howsh E. Shaykes—A change of pasture is good for the bull, you know, old dear.

* * *

Hittem Formy—Don’t run your legs off after a woman; you’ll need them to kick yourself.

* * *

True lovers never say good night until morning.

* * *

Clerk (at Employment Bureau)—“Someone has sent for a yardman, sir.”

Manager—“We haven’t any yardmen at present.”

Clerk—“Then shall I send up three footmen, sir?”

* * *

Three prospective brides were in conference, Madge, Mary and Martha.

Madge—I am to marry a lawyer with fine practice. We are building a beautiful home.

Mary—My future husband is a banker and we will have a summer home, a maid and a car.

Martha—Well, girls, if you must know, I am to marry a barber.

Consternation reigned.

“What on earth are you going to marry a barber for?” gasped Madge and Mary.

Martha—Because any time a barber isn’t kissing you he is talking about it.

* * *

A timid bachelor recently walked into a dance hall by mistake, and thought he was in a ladies’ dressing room.

* * *

Jack—You certainly disgraced me at the banquet last night when you got drunk.

Jill—What did I do.

Jack—When the charlotte russe was served you tried to blow the foam off it.

* * *

In conclusion, Gentle Readers, don’t forget that Captain Billy’s encyclopedia of humor and poetry, the Winter Annual, Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22, is awaiting you at your newsdealer or the publisher.

The Winter AnnualCONTENTSDrippings from the FawcettGirl in Blue Velvet BandFace on the Barroom FloorFrankie and Johnnie BluesShooting of Dan McGrewWedding of the Persian CatAce in the HoleBooze Fighter’s DreamDiary of a DivorceeFable of the BullHighty Tighty AphroditeGolightly HighballsHow to Kiss DeliciouslyHunting the Wily Pole CatMohammedan BullOur Own Fairy QueenTool House on the FarmThe Old SmokehouseQuestions and AnswersGila Monster RoutePasture Pot PourriHooch Cure BluesDying HoboLascaSam’s GirlToledo SlimEvolutionPoppiesAfter the RaidThe HarpyThe SuicideTarnished GoodsSeparationLittle Red GodThe LadiesLimber KicksNaughty But NiceTo the GirlRural Mail BoxTired Hired ManLife’s a Funny Proposition After All

CONTENTS

Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22256 pages of fun. The gems of 25 early editions of Capt. Billy’s Whiz Bang. Stories, toasts, poems, drippings and pot pourri comprise this greatest Whiz Bang book.Only a Few LeftIf your newsdealer’s supply is exhausted, pin a dollar bill, or your check, money order or stamps to the coupon below and receive this peppy collection.Whiz Bang,Robbinsdale, Minnesota.Gentlemen:Enclosed is dollar bill, check, money order or stamps for $1.00 for which please send me the Winter Annual of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, “Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22.”NameAddress

256 pages of fun. The gems of 25 early editions of Capt. Billy’s Whiz Bang. Stories, toasts, poems, drippings and pot pourri comprise this greatest Whiz Bang book.

Only a Few Left

If your newsdealer’s supply is exhausted, pin a dollar bill, or your check, money order or stamps to the coupon below and receive this peppy collection.

Whiz Bang,Robbinsdale, Minnesota.

Gentlemen:

Enclosed is dollar bill, check, money order or stamps for $1.00 for which please send me the Winter Annual of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, “Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22.”

Name

Address

Everywhere!Whiz Bangis on sale at all leading hotels, news stands, 25 cents single copies; on trains 30 cents, or may be ordered direct from the publisher at 25 cents single copies; two-fifty a year.One dollar for the WINTER ANNUAL.A bull

Everywhere!

Whiz Bangis on sale at all leading hotels, news stands, 25 cents single copies; on trains 30 cents, or may be ordered direct from the publisher at 25 cents single copies; two-fifty a year.

One dollar for the WINTER ANNUAL.

A bull

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