* * *
All to myself I think of you—Think of the things we used to do,Think of the things we used to say,Think of each happy yesterday;Sometimes I sigh and sometimes I smile,But I keep each olden, golden whileAll to myself.—W. D. N.
All to myself I think of you—Think of the things we used to do,Think of the things we used to say,Think of each happy yesterday;Sometimes I sigh and sometimes I smile,But I keep each olden, golden whileAll to myself.—W. D. N.
All to myself I think of you—Think of the things we used to do,Think of the things we used to say,Think of each happy yesterday;Sometimes I sigh and sometimes I smile,But I keep each olden, golden whileAll to myself.
All to myself I think of you—
Think of the things we used to do,
Think of the things we used to say,
Think of each happy yesterday;
Sometimes I sigh and sometimes I smile,
But I keep each olden, golden while
All to myself.
—W. D. N.
—W. D. N.
Pasture Pot Pourri
Brevity is the sole of wit, and the sole charm of a maiden’s skirt.
* * *
It’s the first straw hat which shows how the wind blows.
* * *
I suppose the maid does all the hard work?No, my wife still makes the biscuits.
I suppose the maid does all the hard work?
No, my wife still makes the biscuits.
* * *
“Do you like music?”
“Yep.”
“Then listen to the band around my hat.”
* * *
If you want to see something swell, put a sponge in water.
* * *
Did you ever catch your wife flirting?Yes, that’s the way I caught her.
Did you ever catch your wife flirting?
Yes, that’s the way I caught her.
* * *
If you were with me in my new CadillacOn a road with no trolley about it,A long way from town, would you start to walk back?Maybe you would—but I doubt it.
If you were with me in my new CadillacOn a road with no trolley about it,A long way from town, would you start to walk back?Maybe you would—but I doubt it.
If you were with me in my new CadillacOn a road with no trolley about it,A long way from town, would you start to walk back?Maybe you would—but I doubt it.
If you were with me in my new Cadillac
On a road with no trolley about it,
A long way from town, would you start to walk back?
Maybe you would—but I doubt it.
* * *
While we live, let’s live in clover,For when we’re dead, we’re dead all over.
While we live, let’s live in clover,For when we’re dead, we’re dead all over.
While we live, let’s live in clover,For when we’re dead, we’re dead all over.
While we live, let’s live in clover,
For when we’re dead, we’re dead all over.
* * *
(From the Tryon, N. C. News.)
Wallace Jackson called on Miss Jennie Barnett as usual.
* * *
It is refreshing to know that the woman who was brought up for biting a man in self defense has been bound over to keep the piece.
* * *
Washington woman wants the Congress to impose a tax upon bachelors varying from one dollar a year for men from 21 to 24 to $5 for men of 65 or over. She should reverse her scale and tax the bachelors while they are useful. A bachelor of 65 is not worth taxing—from a woman’s standpoint.
* * *
Here’s to the girl that’s strictly in it,Who holds her head for every minute,Plays well the game and knows her limitAnd still gets all the fun there’s in it.
Here’s to the girl that’s strictly in it,Who holds her head for every minute,Plays well the game and knows her limitAnd still gets all the fun there’s in it.
Here’s to the girl that’s strictly in it,Who holds her head for every minute,Plays well the game and knows her limitAnd still gets all the fun there’s in it.
Here’s to the girl that’s strictly in it,
Who holds her head for every minute,
Plays well the game and knows her limit
And still gets all the fun there’s in it.
* * *
Dode Leonard tells us that near beer is like looking through a keyhole with a glass eye.
* * *
Missouri is noted for three things: Raising democrats, mules and hell.
* * *
You say “Bye, bye,”To some sweet little blonde,And she says: “Sweet Daddy,Get bottled in bond.”
You say “Bye, bye,”To some sweet little blonde,And she says: “Sweet Daddy,Get bottled in bond.”
You say “Bye, bye,”To some sweet little blonde,And she says: “Sweet Daddy,Get bottled in bond.”
You say “Bye, bye,”
To some sweet little blonde,
And she says: “Sweet Daddy,
Get bottled in bond.”
* * *
The only rings I ever gave her were the rings beneath her eyes.
* * *
(From the Cornell, Ill., Journal.)
Joseph Highland and Miss Zelma Gourley left together, Monday, to get married. At time of going to press we have not heard any further particulars.
* * *
Oh, Geraldine, are the seams of my stockings on straight?
* * *
We will now sing: “He Asked For Bread,” and the curtain came down with a roll.
* * *
Ah-h! How would ze mamma like to kees ze papa?
* * *
Better to have loved and lost than to have been divorced and alimonied.
* * *
A remarkable man is the Hindoo.He wears no clothes—makes his skindoo.
A remarkable man is the Hindoo.He wears no clothes—makes his skindoo.
A remarkable man is the Hindoo.He wears no clothes—makes his skindoo.
A remarkable man is the Hindoo.
He wears no clothes—makes his skindoo.
* * *
Who’s your new girl, Sam?She’s not a new girl. She’s only my old one painted over.
Who’s your new girl, Sam?
She’s not a new girl. She’s only my old one painted over.
* * *
Here’s to the happiest days of my life,Spent in the arms of another mans wife.My mother.
Here’s to the happiest days of my life,Spent in the arms of another mans wife.My mother.
Here’s to the happiest days of my life,Spent in the arms of another mans wife.My mother.
Here’s to the happiest days of my life,
Spent in the arms of another mans wife.
My mother.
* * *
Here’s to the glass we so love to sip,It dries many a pensive tear;’Tis not so sweet as a woman’s lip,But a danged sight more sincere.
Here’s to the glass we so love to sip,It dries many a pensive tear;’Tis not so sweet as a woman’s lip,But a danged sight more sincere.
Here’s to the glass we so love to sip,It dries many a pensive tear;’Tis not so sweet as a woman’s lip,But a danged sight more sincere.
Here’s to the glass we so love to sip,
It dries many a pensive tear;
’Tis not so sweet as a woman’s lip,
But a danged sight more sincere.
* * *
The first real talking machine, in which no improvement has ever been made, was made out of a rib.
* * *
John Barleycorn may have been officially dead for a number of years, but his funeral expenses still keep piling up.
* * *
Grandpa says that “skirt dances” never will be as popular as the shimmy until the girls start wearing skirts again.
* * *
Lips that touch a cigaroot will never park beneath my snoot.—Ethel Worrymore.
* * *
“That can be seen from both sides,” said the fly as he left his mark on a hall of pane.
* * *
Since prohibition came, my wife made me likker.
* * *
Jack—Can you keep a secret?
Jim—I should say so—I have one in the St. Paul Hotel now.
* * *
“Should Mr. Noble, who sits for this constituency, consent to stand again and run he will in all probability have a walkaway.”
Classified Ads
(From Indianapolis News.)
EXPERIENCED lady cleaners. Park Theater.
* * *
(From the Mandan, N. D., Pioneer.)
We stand behind every bed we sell. Home Furnishing Co., Mandan.
* * *
(From Augusta Chronicle.)
Horace—Please do not phone me again. Father is cleaning his gun.—Lulu.
* * *
(From Le Bon Ton.)
“The vague bodice joins the skirt at the hip line with an embroidery stitch.”
* * *
(Providence, R. I., Journal.)
WANTED—At Hotel Randolph, first class porter; room furnished; also chambermaid.
* * *
(From Shreveport Times.)
YOUNG lady wants refined girl to share room. Also vacancy for two gentlemen. 1821 Marshall.
* * *
(From the Lowell Tribune.)
George B. Bailey went to Indianapolis Thursday to attend a meeting of the committee on drainage of the legislature.
* * *
(From Akron, O., Beacon-Journal.)
A JOLLY GOOD LADY wants position as housekeeper in widower’s or bachelor’s home. Write E, Box 34, Beacon-Journal.
* * *
(From Wichita Eagle.)
A NICE APPEARING lady, about 40, a first class housekeeper, wants to keep house for a gentleman on farm where there is no other woman.
* * *
(From Iron Mountain Tribune-Gazette.)
I wish to correct an error made by me in Monday night’s paper. My wife did not leave my bed and board, as stated, but I left the home myself as she told me to.—Jalmer Gustafson.
* * *
(From the Denver Post.)
A woman, beautiful, refined, 30 years, wishes to meet man; clean habits and education. Must be wealthy and a cripple; matrimony; no general delivery or triflers answer.
* * *
(From Pensacola, Fla., News.)
SITUATION WANTED—A young widow, with one child, desires a good home as housekeeper in a wealthy widower’s home; no objection to one or two children. “V. S.,” care News.
* * *
He sat on the edge of her desk and swung his legs. She, being fully satisfied that the brevity of her frock and the excellence of her silk hose would lend charm to such a proceeding, did likewise. For she was a good secretary, and all study the tastes of their employers.
“Everything all right about the Sutton case?” he asked.
“Oh, quite,” she replied, “here are the papers,” and she passed them towards him—but before he could take them they fell to the floor.
“I am so awfully sorry,” she said, as he went down on his knees to pick them up, “let me help you.”
Then a most extraordinary thing happened. He kissed her. And she, being a proud girl and not wishing to accept favors from any man, returned it. It was a very free and easy office.
About an hour later he said he must go and see Brown about the Ware case.
But Brown was out.
So he sat on the edge of Brown’s secretary’s desk and swung his legs.
She, being every bit as good a secretary as his own, did likewise.
After a pleasant chat he said he must go home.
He found his wife reclining on a sofa swinging her legs.
“Had a busy day?” she asked him.
“Yes, very busy,” he replied.
“You’re late, are you not?”
“Yes,” he grunted, “one or two little things kept me at the office.” He glanced at his wife disapprovingly. “And for heaven’s sake, don’t sit there swinging your legs like that. It annoys me.”
* * *
Speaking about the St. Paul chief of police who claimed he was “framed” with a patrolman’s wife, here’s one from London:
It had been a fairly warm evening, but about 11 p.m. it became bitterly cold and Patrolman Snorkins decided he would chance it and go and fetch his great-coat. So slipping away from his beat he hurried round to his cottage and, throwing some gravel against his wife’s bedroom window, he shouted “Chuck me out my coat, old dear.”
The wife chucked out the coat and, putting it on in the darkness, he hurried back to his beat.
“Hello, Bill,” he said to his policeman pal who was waiting for him at the end of the beat. “I just slipped round and got my coat. It’s blooming cold, ain’t it?”
“It is,” agreed Bill, eyeing him curiously. “But, say,when the devil did you get made a sergeant?”
* * *
“Gee, I wish I had a ‘sucker’ like the other girlie has—” and
“I’d like to lose you—I’m so used to you now.”
Jest Jokes and Jingles
Let’s now sing, with all the alcoholic accuracy possible, that old familiar farmer’s wail: “I’ve got enough money to last me the rest of my life, providing I die tonight.”
* * *
A man’s a fool to live in griefWhen he can get complete relief;A good prescription, now and then,Is relished by the best of men.
A man’s a fool to live in griefWhen he can get complete relief;A good prescription, now and then,Is relished by the best of men.
A man’s a fool to live in griefWhen he can get complete relief;A good prescription, now and then,Is relished by the best of men.
A man’s a fool to live in grief
When he can get complete relief;
A good prescription, now and then,
Is relished by the best of men.
* * *
Fortune Teller: You wish to know about your future husband?
Customer: No; I wish to know about the past of my present husband for future use.
* * *
When a man says “Yes,” he means “Maybe”;When he says “Maybe,” he means “No”;When he says “No,” he’s no diplomat.When a woman says “No,” she means “Maybe”;When she says “Maybe,” she means “Yes”;But if she says “Yes,” she’s no lady.
When a man says “Yes,” he means “Maybe”;When he says “Maybe,” he means “No”;When he says “No,” he’s no diplomat.When a woman says “No,” she means “Maybe”;When she says “Maybe,” she means “Yes”;But if she says “Yes,” she’s no lady.
When a man says “Yes,” he means “Maybe”;When he says “Maybe,” he means “No”;When he says “No,” he’s no diplomat.
When a man says “Yes,” he means “Maybe”;
When he says “Maybe,” he means “No”;
When he says “No,” he’s no diplomat.
When a woman says “No,” she means “Maybe”;When she says “Maybe,” she means “Yes”;But if she says “Yes,” she’s no lady.
When a woman says “No,” she means “Maybe”;
When she says “Maybe,” she means “Yes”;
But if she says “Yes,” she’s no lady.
* * *
A girl on either side of twenty is merely interesting; at twenty she is dangerous.
* * *
She: “You didn’t have a shirt on your back when I first met you.”
He: “Well, then, why did you come in the bathroom without knocking?”
* * *
God made manFrail as a bubble;God made love,Love made trouble.God made the vine;Was it a sinThat man made wineTo drown trouble in?
God made manFrail as a bubble;God made love,Love made trouble.God made the vine;Was it a sinThat man made wineTo drown trouble in?
God made manFrail as a bubble;God made love,Love made trouble.God made the vine;Was it a sinThat man made wineTo drown trouble in?
God made man
Frail as a bubble;
God made love,
Love made trouble.
God made the vine;
Was it a sin
That man made wine
To drown trouble in?
* * *
We have just received our copy of the London Spectator, and conclude that the spirit of spring must have struck that staid and sober paper, for it prints several verses of the old song, “Johnnie and Frankie,” but with the wrong chorus. Every connoisseur knows that the real refrain is:
“He was her man,But he done her wrong.”
“He was her man,But he done her wrong.”
“He was her man,But he done her wrong.”
“He was her man,
But he done her wrong.”
* * *
A gambling flea one day met some mice,Suggested a trip to the barn to shake dice;When in came a horse and stepped on the flea,And the flea squealed out, “There’s a horse on me.”
A gambling flea one day met some mice,Suggested a trip to the barn to shake dice;When in came a horse and stepped on the flea,And the flea squealed out, “There’s a horse on me.”
A gambling flea one day met some mice,Suggested a trip to the barn to shake dice;When in came a horse and stepped on the flea,And the flea squealed out, “There’s a horse on me.”
A gambling flea one day met some mice,
Suggested a trip to the barn to shake dice;
When in came a horse and stepped on the flea,
And the flea squealed out, “There’s a horse on me.”
* * *
Look before you sleep—especially at the seaside.
* * *
A man stepped up to the counter in a department store and the pretty saleslady asked him what he wanted. He hesitated for a moment and finally said, “I’ve forgotten whether I want a camisole or a casserole.”
“That depends whether you want to put a chicken or a hen in it,” replied the saleslady.
* * *
We have a very pretty housemaid named Mary. One Sunday morning I was about to take my bath but found no hot water, so I told Mary to be more careful and not use it all for kitchen work. The pastor and his wife were at dinner and as Mary brought in the dishes she remarked: “Mr. Henry, I will see you get your bath this afternoon.” The minister looked horrified, as my better half snapped, “Indeed, you will not.”
* * *
“The man laid down his book and tossed off his fifth drink of hooch. His wife looked up at him calmly and said:
“‘George, when you proposed to me you said you were not worthy to undo the latchets of my shoes.’
“George stared at her in amazement.
“‘Well, what of it?’ he snarled.
“‘Nothing,’ she answered, ‘only I will say for you that whatever else you were, you weren’t a liar.’”
* * *
The life sentence—“I will.”
* * *
Being given a complimentary dinner previous to his departure for foreign climes, the guest, who was badly afflicted by stuttering, induced a friend to respond to the toast of his health for him, which he did very badly, so much so that the other rose and said:
“Fo-for the fir-first time in-in my li-life I un-understand Balaam’s fee-feelings when his ass spo-spoke for him.”
* * *
A colored trooper of Camp Kearney, California, wanted to visit his sweetheart in Los Angeles, but as he couldn’t get a furlough, he decided to go A.W.O.L.
The guard at the gate stopped him, and demanded to see the trooper’s pass.
The black man pulled out a razor.
“Brudder,” he warned, “mah mudder’s dead and am in Heaben. Mah faddah’s dead and am in Hell, but mah gal am alive and in Los Angeles. And ah’s gwine to see one of dem three tonight.”
* * *
Following is a familiar conversation heard within a modern apartment building where so many home-made hooch parties are held:
Voice from without: “Cut out that noise or I’ll have you put out of this flat.”
Voice from within: “We should worry—we’ve been put out of better flats than this.”
Our Rural Mail Box
Dear Bill—You may be witty, but the guy who wrote “Snowbound” was Whittier.
* * *
Marjie—You naughty girl!
* * *
Jo-Jo—You can call it Spanish onions or Spanish fly or any other old thing you want, old dear.
* * *
Ted Mann—If your sweetheart likes music, even though your voice is poor, you can still sing to her with much feeling.
* * *
Lonesome Jack—You ought to be able to get the inspiration you want on the beach at Miami or at Ocean Park and Redondo.
* * *
Parliamentarian—The rules state that you put your hand up first and then ask the question.
* * *
Shakespeareson—Don’t get hot under the collar. You ask us what we did with your poem entitled “An Ode to Oblivion.” Our reply is: It reached its destination.
* * *
Exit the perfect 36!
Enter the perfect 34.
Dame Fashion is responsible.
Dressmakers have filled the New York papers’ want ad columns with calls for services of the 34 mannequins.
And still further they specify that she must be within the precincts of the misses’ “16.”
This is because grandmothers want to wear granddaughters’ clothes.
Specifications for the mannequins call for:
Symmetry.
Slenderness.
Small hips.
Slender biceps.
Trim ankles.
“Woman herself is responsible for the change,” says Miss Marion Rothschild, associate editor of “Women’s Wear.”
“For nearly three years the feminine population has been struggling to get into smaller and smaller clothing.
“Naturally they get what pleases them.”
* * *
Love without the man, is like hell without heaven; I know for I’ve been there. If you don’t believe me, try it.
* * *
A Scotchman had been presented with a pint flask of rare old Scotch whiskey. He was walking briskly along the road toward home, when along came a Ford which he did not sidestep quite in time. It threw him down and hurt his leg quite badly. He got up and limped down the road. Suddenly he noticed that something warm and wet was trickling down his leg.
“Oh, God,” he groaned, “I hope that’s blood!”
* * *
“George, I don’t believe you did put the cat out.”
“Well, if you think I’d tell a lie about a little thing like that, go and put her out yourself.”
* * *
The harassed and weary-looking man, the personification of genteel poverty, paused before the windows which had been hired by the Humane Society.
In the center of the window was the picture of a large furry animal, with a woe-begone expression on its face.
Underneath was the placard: “I was skinned to provide a woman with fashionable furs.”
For a moment the tired expression faded from the man’s face.
“I know just how you feel, poor old chap!” he muttered. “So was I.”
* * *
A little boy in his nightdress was on his knees, saying his prayers, and his little sister could not resist the temptation to tickle his feet.
He stood it as long as he could, and then said: “Please, God, excuse me while I knock the devil out of Nellie.”
* * *
A young lady has written the Navy Department asking that the styles in sailors’ uniforms be changed so that the girls will not be embarrassed.
“Every time I dance with a sailor, his loose, flappy trousers tickle my ankles and make me think my petticoat has fallen,” she complains.
* * *
Here’s to those who’d love usIf we only cared,Here’s to those we’d loveIf we only dared.
Here’s to those who’d love usIf we only cared,Here’s to those we’d loveIf we only dared.
Here’s to those who’d love usIf we only cared,Here’s to those we’d loveIf we only dared.
Here’s to those who’d love us
If we only cared,
Here’s to those we’d love
If we only dared.
* * *
You know the difference between a crab and a fish.Be a live fish, not a crab, becauseA live fish swims upstream and—A crab goes backward.
You know the difference between a crab and a fish.Be a live fish, not a crab, becauseA live fish swims upstream and—A crab goes backward.
You know the difference between a crab and a fish.Be a live fish, not a crab, becauseA live fish swims upstream and—A crab goes backward.
You know the difference between a crab and a fish.
Be a live fish, not a crab, because
A live fish swims upstream and—
A crab goes backward.
* * *
Only six months to wait for the second October Whiz Bang annual.
* * *
BATHING BEAUTIES!Photograph of two young ladies in 1920s swimwearReal photographs of the famous California Bathing Girls.Just the thing for your den.Size 3½ × 5½Positively the best on the market.Assortment of 6 for 25 cents or 25 for $1.00Send money order or stampsForeign money not accepted unless exchange is included.Egbert Brothers, Dept. W. B., 303 Buena Vista Street, LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIAWholesale agents wanted everywhere in the U. S. Write for wholesale terms.
BATHING BEAUTIES!
Real photographs of the famous California Bathing Girls.
Just the thing for your den.
Size 3½ × 5½
Positively the best on the market.
Assortment of 6 for 25 cents or 25 for $1.00
Send money order or stamps
Foreign money not accepted unless exchange is included.
Egbert Brothers, Dept. W. B., 303 Buena Vista Street, LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA
Wholesale agents wanted everywhere in the U. S. Write for wholesale terms.
* * *
Genuine Photographs
We are headquarters for photographs and pictures of all kinds, offering the most complete line in the country.
Art Nudes are shipped by express only. Remit by money order or bank draft. All orders shipped promptly.
The American Art CompanyOffering the Most Complete Line of Art Subjects in the WorldJANESVILLE, WISCONSIN, U. S. A.
* * *
Everywhere!Whiz Bangis on sale at all leading hotels, news stands, 25 cents single copies; on trains 30 cents, or may be ordered direct from the publisher at 25 cents single copies; two-fifty a year.A bull
Everywhere!
Whiz Bangis on sale at all leading hotels, news stands, 25 cents single copies; on trains 30 cents, or may be ordered direct from the publisher at 25 cents single copies; two-fifty a year.
A bull