Limericks

The Soapy Wiggle Shimmy

There are ways and other ways, but——

“How do you wash your back when you bathe?” queried one fair maiden of her companion on a streetcar, as they rode to work one morning last week. “I just can’t seem to get a satisfactory job on that part of me.”

“Why—wash my back?” came the instant and ready reply. “Why, that’s easy. I just soap my back all over and then lie down in the tub and shimmy.”

He: “Are you free tonight, dearie?”

She: “No, I was last Friday but not tonight.”

Limericks

There was a young lady of Tottenham,Her manners—well, she had forgotten ’em.At tea at the Vicar’sShe took off her knickers,And said she was too jolly hot in ’em.––––––––––There was a young man in Drumheller;An ornery sort of a feller.He had cracks in his dome,But folks flocked to his home,On account of the crocks in his cellar.––––––––––There was a young man from BordeauxWho loved a young lady I kneaux;She was charming and fair,But she died in despairFor the chap from Bordeaux was too sleaux.––––––––––A maiden with stockings of lislePassed a man and she gave him a smile.The lisle he could seeAll the way to her knee,And he followed her almost a misle.––––––––––A Cannibal King saw his Mrs.Kissing a guard called Ulrs.The wicked old kingFricasseed the poor thing,And Ulrs. now Mrs. her Krs.––––––––––A young man named Christopher GunnOnce married a girl “just for fun,”But soon a boy cameNow dad’s not the sameFor the kid’s a young son of a Gunn!

There was a young lady of Tottenham,Her manners—well, she had forgotten ’em.At tea at the Vicar’sShe took off her knickers,And said she was too jolly hot in ’em.

There was a young lady of Tottenham,

Her manners—well, she had forgotten ’em.

At tea at the Vicar’s

She took off her knickers,

And said she was too jolly hot in ’em.

––––––––––

There was a young man in Drumheller;An ornery sort of a feller.He had cracks in his dome,But folks flocked to his home,On account of the crocks in his cellar.

There was a young man in Drumheller;

An ornery sort of a feller.

He had cracks in his dome,

But folks flocked to his home,

On account of the crocks in his cellar.

––––––––––

There was a young man from BordeauxWho loved a young lady I kneaux;She was charming and fair,But she died in despairFor the chap from Bordeaux was too sleaux.

There was a young man from Bordeaux

Who loved a young lady I kneaux;

She was charming and fair,

But she died in despair

For the chap from Bordeaux was too sleaux.

––––––––––

A maiden with stockings of lislePassed a man and she gave him a smile.The lisle he could seeAll the way to her knee,And he followed her almost a misle.

A maiden with stockings of lisle

Passed a man and she gave him a smile.

The lisle he could see

All the way to her knee,

And he followed her almost a misle.

––––––––––

A Cannibal King saw his Mrs.Kissing a guard called Ulrs.The wicked old kingFricasseed the poor thing,And Ulrs. now Mrs. her Krs.

A Cannibal King saw his Mrs.

Kissing a guard called Ulrs.

The wicked old king

Fricasseed the poor thing,

And Ulrs. now Mrs. her Krs.

––––––––––

A young man named Christopher GunnOnce married a girl “just for fun,”But soon a boy cameNow dad’s not the sameFor the kid’s a young son of a Gunn!

A young man named Christopher Gunn

Once married a girl “just for fun,”

But soon a boy came

Now dad’s not the same

For the kid’s a young son of a Gunn!

Classified Ads

Some Lady(From South Side Star.)

Some Lady

(From South Side Star.)

Wanted—To buy buggy by lady that is double seated and has patent leather top.

Ballad of the Brand(From St. Peter News.)

Ballad of the Brand

(From St. Peter News.)

Strayed or Stolen—Young heifer from farmer living east of town with XXXX branded on hind leg.

Where Do They Get It?(From the Lake County Times.)

Where Do They Get It?

(From the Lake County Times.)

For Sale or Trade—A big paying hotel and boarding house; 45 roomers, always full.

Competing With St. Peter(From the Clinton, Ia., Advertiser.)

Competing With St. Peter

(From the Clinton, Ia., Advertiser.)

Do you know W. L. Boyce? If not, you should, as he is the man that marks the mistakes of the doctors. The Monument Man.

Wealthy but Thrifty(From the Muskogee Phoenix.)

Wealthy but Thrifty

(From the Muskogee Phoenix.)

Beautiful farmer’s daughter with 425 acres of land, very wealthy, would marry. Send stamp for a reply. Box ——, Tallahassee, Fla.

Nature Faker(From the Leal Leader.)

Nature Faker

(From the Leal Leader.)

For Sale—A cow will have calf soon, also some hogs.

A Bully Job(From Minneapolis Journal.)

A Bully Job

(From Minneapolis Journal.)

Girl for general housework; no laundry work; pleasant room, private bath; $10 a week. Mrs. B. S. Bull, Ken. 1898, 1627 W. 26th street.

Forecast: Continued Cool(From the Gary Tribune.)

Forecast: Continued Cool

(From the Gary Tribune.)

Wanted—Lady to sleep nights for company. Would allow use of kitchen if necessary. B-232

Regular Leap Year Ad(From Vancouver Province.)

Regular Leap Year Ad

(From Vancouver Province.)

Middle-aged widow lady (girl six) wishes light duties, $10 monthly, country preferred, with respectable, good living man having nice, healthy home, piano.

How About a Middle-Aged Widow?(From the Marion, Ind., Republican.)

How About a Middle-Aged Widow?

(From the Marion, Ind., Republican.)

To whom it may concern—Some men advertise for fine stock, but not the case with me; I am looking for a wife. I am a lone man keeping house. I work every day and do not have a chance to find a wife. Any lady wishing to marry will please address me at Johnston City, Ill. Very respectfully, W. C. South.

The Gentle Osteopath(From the Osteopathic Physician.)

The Gentle Osteopath

(From the Osteopathic Physician.)

Wanted—An assistant. Must be good mixer. Lady of good appearance and one with the goods would do. Address ——, careThe O. P.

A concern advertises in The Chicago Tribune for an “office boy, 16 years old, with large corporation.” Isn’t that asking a good deal of one so young?

Jest Jokes and Jingles

Father Said So

Tommy: “Do you go to bed very early, Mrs. Peck?”

Mrs. Peck: “Yes, Tommy, sometimes—when I feel tired.”

“You wouldn’t go so early if you were married to my father, would you?”

“Oh, Tommy, you funny boy! Why not?”

“’Cause my father told mother that if he were your husband he’d make you sit up and take notice.”

Cause for Joy

Old King ColeWas a merry old soul,Don’t doubt it for a minute,He called for his pipeAnd he called for his bowl,And that bowl had “something” in it.

Old King Cole

Was a merry old soul,

Don’t doubt it for a minute,

He called for his pipe

And he called for his bowl,

And that bowl had “something” in it.

A Stag Party(From the Highland Park Press.)

A Stag Party

(From the Highland Park Press.)

Mr. and Mrs. George D. Stagg, of San Bernardino, Calif., are the proud parents of a baby boy. Mr. Stagg is still in the military hospital.

Listen To ’Em Rave

A recent robbery disclosed the fact that large quantities of whiskey have been sent to insane asylums for “medicinal” purposes.

Men wishing to take the examination for insanity will please leave their names at the front office. The line forms to the right—don’t crowd.

“I’d like to get some soap,” she told the clerk.“Would you care for toilet soap?” the salesman asked.“No,” she replied. “I want it for my face.”

“I’d like to get some soap,” she told the clerk.

“Would you care for toilet soap?” the salesman asked.

“No,” she replied. “I want it for my face.”

Adam was a wise guy,So they say;He shoved his rib against the fenceAnd Eve came to next day.

Adam was a wise guy,

So they say;

He shoved his rib against the fence

And Eve came to next day.

One of our Robbinsdale farmer boys who was active in the big blowout in France was explaining the mysteries of a barb wire entanglement to a sweet country miss. Using the pasture fence and county road ditch to simulate trench conditions, our farmer-doughboy “went over the top” at the zero hour, much to her delectation. She joined in the second attack, but our friend said the entire battle effect was spoiled when her skirt caught in the barbs, and she exclaimed in a very unmilitary manner: “Move over, kiddo, until I blow my nose.”

Lights Out, and Then

By JANE GAITES

ELEVEN o’clock p.m.—a dainty little ankle adorned by the lace ruffle of a silken pair of pajamas is drawn under the warm, crisp covers. A little brunette head is nestled more comfortably on the soft pillows—two sleepy gray-blue eyes glance demurely but searchingly around the room. A tired yawn is suppressed by tiny rosy finger-tips—a small round arm reaches upward, and, presto—the lights go out.

A moment of struggling is encountered in the gloom,—follows a turning over, and suddenly the shapely little head is jerked breathlessly under the covers. Part of a minute elapses, then—“Ow, help, murder, police, oh—oh, oh, my God!—a man!”

A frantic struggle to turn on the lights commences, but the poor frightened little slip of a girl can’t find the switch.

An anxious pater rushes in amidst the hysterical screams of his exceedingly excited wifie who just knows that she will collapse!

Two minutes later, with the lights well on, daughter is snuggled securely in pater’s protecting arms,—but where is the man?

A faint sound arises from under the blankets, at which daughter Fanchon screams, and mother, true to her prediction, faints.

Oh! how terrible is the suspense of that fateful night! Presently, the “sound” is converted into an unmistakeable mew—Tabby innocently emerges from the covers, and demure little Fanchon very conventionally cries, “Oh, Hell—it’s only the cat!”

Billy Noonan’s Sunshine

The sad part about fishing trips this year is that the fisherman will have to fish.

It is next to impossible to get a drink in St. Paul—unless you have the price.

John Smith, Cass Lake, Minn., Indian, says he fished on the Rainy river 115 years ago. There’s a mark for some of you fish liars to aim at.

Thrift advocates are advising wives to discard all useless things around the house. It looks bad for a lot of husbands.

Villa supported the rebels until they got into power, but now he is “agin” them. There must be a strain of Irish in him.

They are still selling beer in England at three cents a glass. The fare to England is only $179.75.

The daily papers are running articles about the great slashing in wearing apparel. They must refer to the laundries.

Price slashing continues. Snow shovels, ear muffs and overcoats are coming down in price.

Our Mail Bag

John—I think you must be speaking of pickles; olives are never warped.

C. P.—Use one end of the fork, only.

Agnes—The male should buy the tickets—at least his own. Would suggest that you send me your picture. After all I may be wrong.

L. M. & C. D.—“You are both wrong.” Question 1—It was Richard B. Sheridan the lady was speaking of. Phil Sheridan took the ride and it was Martin Sheridan “who threw things,” as you so aptly put it. Question 2—She must have thought you a couple of mutts.

Mr. B.—I am sorry but I know of no way to keep the ears from flapping. Is Jessie your wife or your horse?

T. U.—You cannot lay the blame to your hostess. One should not expect the chicken to be nailed to the plate.

Maggie—No, tea is not tackled nor is it lapped. Sip perhaps is the word you seek.

Henery—If you must speak of them, use the word “Suspenders.” “Braces” are doubtful, while gallowses, well, you strike me with horror. Gallowses are obsolete in good society. Yes, an old-fashioned man is one who wears suspenders.

Percy—No, you are not expected to kiss the girl in the vestibule. It is not being done these days.

Bill Grabb—If you think you have a good chance with the lady and are sure about her income, hire a taxi. Life is a gamble, anyway. Take a chance; Steve Brodie did.

H. G. P.—We thank you for the two following items. They’re “birds”: A young man and girl eloped and when they reached Pensacola he wired the girl’s mother as follows: “Married Gladys in Pensacola today. Am going to Tampa with her tomorrow.”

You can lead a mule to water, but it takes Bull Durham Tobacer.

Mae—The skins of potatoes become jackets upon leaving the kitchen.

Ed.—Yes, it would be best to use your handkerchief.

Miss Sylvia—If you are unfamiliar with the artichoke turn it down. No book can help you. It is one of the most treacherous traps that a newly-rich-society-climber can fall into. I dare not advise you.

Frank D.—No, Frank, trap is not the correct expression to use in speaking of a lady’s mouth, unless—unless she is your wife.

Harry P.—I am no lawyer. However, I believe that you have no grounds for a law-suit. You didn’t have to hold the baby.

Miss Dorris M.—Please mention the kind of a breath your dancing partner had. Also give his name and address.

James P.—Grapefruit is always uncertain. Write a letter to “the lady on your left.”

Louise—Charles Dickens’ “Curiosity Shop” is a book, not a store. Give up hunting downtown and try a library.

E. O.—A is right. Trousers; not pants.

Cleo—Yes, your touching poem, “Why Should I Suffer and Die,” is very good, but you should practice what you preach.

TO: CAPTAIN BILLY’S WHIZ BANG25028 South Vermont AvenueHarbor City, Calif. 90710$3.00 Per CopyPlease send _____ copy/copies of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang.Name ______________(PLEASE PRINT)Street _____City _____State_____ Zip _____I enclose my remittance in the amount $ _____X ___________Signature

TO: CAPTAIN BILLY’S WHIZ BANG25028 South Vermont AvenueHarbor City, Calif. 90710

TO: CAPTAIN BILLY’S WHIZ BANG

25028 South Vermont Avenue

Harbor City, Calif. 90710

$3.00 Per Copy

Please send _____ copy/copies of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang.

Name ______________(PLEASE PRINT)

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(PLEASE PRINT)

Street _____

City _____

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“Golightly is a writer who handles delicate subjects without gloves. His style is fearless, unique, forceful.”—Chicago Blade.“The Curse of theCaribbean and theThree Guianas(Gehennas)”Rev. “Golightly” Morrill’s New BookUncensored Photos, 250 Unexpurgated Pages.$1.25 PostpaidBreezy as the Hurricane, Blisteringas the Equatorial Sun, Eruptive asthe Volcano, Jarring as the Earthquake.Address G. L. Morrill, Pastor People’s Church,3356 10th Avenue South,Minneapolis, Minnesota, U. S. A.

“Golightly is a writer who handles delicate subjects without gloves. His style is fearless, unique, forceful.”—Chicago Blade.

“The Curse of theCaribbean and theThree Guianas(Gehennas)”

“The Curse of the

Caribbean and the

Three Guianas

(Gehennas)”

Rev. “Golightly” Morrill’s New BookUncensored Photos, 250 Unexpurgated Pages.$1.25 Postpaid

Rev. “Golightly” Morrill’s New Book

Uncensored Photos, 250 Unexpurgated Pages.

$1.25 Postpaid

Breezy as the Hurricane, Blisteringas the Equatorial Sun, Eruptive asthe Volcano, Jarring as the Earthquake.

Breezy as the Hurricane, Blistering

as the Equatorial Sun, Eruptive as

the Volcano, Jarring as the Earthquake.

Address G. L. Morrill, Pastor People’s Church,3356 10th Avenue South,Minneapolis, Minnesota, U. S. A.

Address G. L. Morrill, Pastor People’s Church,

3356 10th Avenue South,

Minneapolis, Minnesota, U. S. A.

Everywhere!WHIZ BANG is on sale at all leading hotels, news stands, on trains, 25 cents single copies, or may be ordered direct from the publisher at 30 cents single copies; two-fifty a year.

Everywhere!

WHIZ BANG is on sale at all leading hotels, news stands, on trains, 25 cents single copies, or may be ordered direct from the publisher at 30 cents single copies; two-fifty a year.

Transcriber’s Notes:Missing or obscured punctuation was corrected.Unbalanced quotation marks were left as the author intended.Typographical errors were silently corrected.“derflop” was changed to “kerflop” on page 11. A dictionary search showed no instances of “derflop”Inconsistent spelling and hyphenation were only made consistent when a predominant form was found in this book.

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