Tale 17.

"And here you may see I haveEven such another,Squeaking, gibbering, of everie degree.The player fooles dear darlingpigsnieHe calls himselfe his brother,Come of the verie same familie."Tarlton'sHorse Loade of Fooles.

"And here you may see I have

Even such another,

Squeaking, gibbering, of everie degree.

The player fooles dear darlingpigsnie

He calls himselfe his brother,

Come of the verie same familie."

Tarlton'sHorse Loade of Fooles.

Chaucer, in "The Milleres Tale," says—

"Hire shoon were laced on her legges hie;She was a primerole (primrose), a piggesnie."

"Hire shoon were laced on her legges hie;

She was a primerole (primrose), a piggesnie."

There was a man of Gotham who would be married, and when the day of marriage was come, they went to church. The priest said, Do you say after me. The priest said say not after me such words but say what I shall tell you—Thou dost play the fool to mock with the Holy Bible concerningMatrimony. Then the fellow said, Thou dost play the fool to mock with the Holy Bible concerning Matrimony. The priest could not tell what to say, but answered, what shall I do with this fool? And the man said, What shall I do with this fool.—So the priest departed, and would not marry him—But he was instructed by others how to do and was afterwards married—And thus the breed of Gothamites has been perpetuated even unto this day.

There was a Scotchman who dwelt at Gotham, and he took a house, a little distance from London, and turned it into an inn, and for a sign he would have a Boars head; accordingly he went to a Carver, and said, Make me a Bare heed. Yes, said the Carver. Then says he, Make me a bare heed and thous have twenty pence for thy hire. I will do it, said the Carver.—So on St. Andrew's day, before Christmas the which is called Youl in Scotland, the Scot came to London for his Boar's head to set up at his door. I say, to speak, said the Scotchman, hast thou made me a bare's heed. Yes, said the Carver. Aye then thous a good fellow. He went and brought a man's head that was bare, and said here is your bare head! Aye, said the Scot, the mickle devil! is this a bare heed? Yes, said the carver. I say, said the Scotchman, I will have a bare heed, like a heed that follows the sow that has gryces. Sir, said the Carver, I don't know a sow and gryces. What! whoreson, know you not a sow that will greet and groan, and her gryces will run after and cry Aweek, aweek. O, said the Carver it is a pig—Yes said the Scotchman, let me have her heed made in timber, and set on her scalp, and let her sing, whip, whire. The Carver said he could not.—You whoreson, said he, gang as she'd sing Whip, whire.—This shews that all men delight in their fancy.

In old times, during these tales, the wives of Gotham got into an alehouse, and said, They were all profitable to their husbands;which way, good gossips? said the alewife.—The first said, I tell you all, good gossips, I can brew or bake, so I am every day alike; and if I go to the alehouse, I pray to God to speed my husband, and I am sure my prayers will do him more good than my labour. Then said the second, I am profitable to my husband in saving candle in the winter; for I cause my husband and all my people to go to bed by daylight, and rise by the same.—The third said, I am profitable in sparing bread, for I drink a gallon of ale, care not how much meat and drink at home, so I go to the tavern at Nottingham and drink wine and such other things, as God sends me.—The fourth said, A man will for ever have more company in another's house than his own, and most commonly in an alehouse. The fifth said, My husband has flax and wool to spare, if I go to other folks houses to do their work.—The sixth said, I spare both my husbands wood and coals, and talk all the day at other folks fire. The seventh said, beef, mutton and pork are dear, wherefore I take pigs, hens, chickens, conies which be of a lower price.—The eighth said I spair my husband's lie and soap, for whereas I should wash once a week, I wash but once a quarter; then said the alewife, and I keep all my husband's ale that I brew from sowering, for, as I used to drink it most up, now I never leave a drop.

One Ash Wednesday the Minister of Gotham would have a Collection of his parishioners, and said unto them, My friends the time is come that you must use prayer, fasting and alms; but come ye to shrift, I will tell you more of my mind; but as for prayer, I don't think that two men in the parish can say half the Pater Noster. As for fasting, ye fast still, for ye have not a meal's victuals in a year. As for alms deed, what should they do to give that have nothing to take? But as one came to shrift and confessed himself to have been drunk divers times in the year, but especially in Lent: the priest said In Lent you should most refrain from drunkenness and refrain from drink—No, not so, said the fellow, for it is an old proverb that fish would swim. Yes, said the priest—it must swim in the water; I say you mercy, quoth the fellow, I thought it should have swum in fine ale, for I have been so.—Soon after the man of Gotham came to shrift, and even the priest knew not what penance to give; he said, If I enjoin prayer, you cannot say your Pater Noster. And it is but a folly to make you fast, because you never eat a meals meat. Labour hard and get a dinner on Sunday, and I will come and partake of it—Another man he enjoined to fare well on Monday, and another on Tuesday, and one after another, that one or the other would fare well once in a week, that he might have part of their meat. And as for alms deeds the priest said, ye be beggars all except one or two so therefore bestow your alms among yourselves.

FINIS.

Joe Miller's Jests

Printed and Sold in London

Was a comedian, born 1684, died August 15, 1738; but, although he might have originated the jests, he did not collect them, which was done by John Mottley, a dramatist, in 1739. Miller was buried in St. Clement's burial-ground, in Portugal Street, Clare Market—now destroyed—and his tombstone was to be seen in 1852. Part of his epitaph was—

"HERE LYE THE REMAINS OFHONEST JO. MILLERWHO WASA TENDER HUSBANDA SINCERE FRIENDA FACETIOUS COMPANIONAND AN EXCELLENT COMEDIAN," etc.

"HERE LYE THE REMAINS OF

HONEST JO. MILLER

WHO WAS

A TENDER HUSBAND

A SINCERE FRIEND

A FACETIOUS COMPANION

AND AN EXCELLENT COMEDIAN," etc.

Hogarth is said to have engraved a ticket for his benefit on April 25, 1717, when he played Sir Joseph Wittol in Congreve's "Old Batchelor."

All jokes marked with an asterisk are in the first edition, but the book has been somewhat expurgated.

"Joe Miller going with a friend one day along Fleet Street, and seeing old Cross the Player, who was very deaf, and unwilling that any one should know it, on the other side of the way, told his friend he should see some Sport; so beckoning Cross with his finger, and stretching open his mouth as wide as ever he could, as if he halloed to him, though he said nothing; the old fellow came puffing from the other side of the way. What a pox do you make such a noise for, do you think one can't hear?

* "Joe Miller another day sitting in the window at the Sun tavern in Clare Street, while a fish woman was passing by,crying, Buy my soul—buy my maids! Ah! you wicked creature, said Joe, are you not content to sell your own soul, but you must sell your maid's also.

"A person of quality coming into a church where several of his ancestors lay buried, after he had praised them very much for worthy men, Well, said he, I am resolved, if I live, to be buried as near them as possible.

"One man told another who used not to be clothed very often, that his new coat was too long for him; That's true answered the other, but it will be longer before I get another.

* "A poor man who had a termagant wife, after a very long dispute, in which she was resolved to have the last word, told her, if she spoke another crooked word more he would beat her brains out: Why then, Ram's Horns, you dog, said she if I die for it.

"A certain Country Squire asked a Merry Andrew why he played the fool? For the same reason, said he, as you do, for want; you do it for want of wit, I for want of money.

* "A Welshman bragging of his family, said, that his father's effigy was set up in Westminster Abbey; being asked whereabouts, he said, In the same monument with Squire Thynne, for he was his coachman.

"A very harmless Irishman was eating an apple pie with some quinces in it. Arrah now, dear honey, said he, if so few of these quinces give such a flavour, how would an apple pye taste made all of quinces.

* "An Irish lawyer of the Temple having occasion to go to dinner, left this direction in the keyhole; Gone to the Elephant and Castle, where you will find me, and if you cannot read this, carry it to the stationer's and he will read it for you.

* "Two Oxford Scholars meeting on the road with a Yorkshire ostler, they fell to bantering him; and told him, That they would prove him to be an horse or an ass, Well, said the ostler, I can prove your saddle to be a mule. A mule, said one of them, how can that be? Because said the Ostler, it is something between a horse and an ass.

* "The Chaplain's boy of a man of war, being sent out ofhis own ship on an errand to another, the boys were conferring notes about their manner of living. How often do you go to prayers now? Why, answered the other, in case of a storm or the apprehension of any danger from an enemy. Aye, said the first, there is some sense in that; but my master makes us go to prayers when there is no more occasion for it, than for my leaping overboard.

* "King Henry VIII. designing to send a nobleman on an embassy to Francis I. at a very dangerous juncture, he begged to be excused, saying, Such a threatening message to so hot a prince as Francis I. might go near to cost him his head. Fear not said old Harry: if the French King should offer to take away your life, I will revenge it by taking off the heads of the Frenchmen now in my power.—But of all these heads, replied the Nobleman, not one would fit my shoulders.

* "A prince laughing at one of his nobles whom he had employed in several embassies, told him he looked like an owl. I know not, said the Courtier, what I look like; but this I know, that I have had the honour several times to represent your Majesty's person.

* "A Mayor of Yarmouth, in antient times, being by his office a justice of the peace, and one who was willing to dispense the laws in the wisest manner, though he could hardly read, got himself a statute book, where finding a law against firing a beacon, or causing one to be fired, read it, Frying bacon or causing it to be fried; and according went out the next night upon the scent, and being directed by his nose to the Carriers house he found the man and his wife both frying bacon, the husband holding the pan, while the wife turned it. Being thus caught in the fact and having nothing to say for themselves his worship committed them both to prison without bail or mainprize.

* "A gentleman who had been a shooting brought home a small bird with him, and having an Irish servant, he asked him if he had shot that little bird? Yes, he told him. Arrah, by my shoul, honey, replied the Irishman, it was not worth the powder and shot, for this little thing would have died in the fall.

* "The same Irishman being at a tavern, where the Cook was dressing some Carp, he observed some of the fish moved, after they were gutted and put in the pan, which much surprised honest Teague.—Well, now by my faith, said he, of all the Christian creatures that ever I saw, this same carp will live the longest after it is dead.

* "A young fellow riding down a steep hill, doubting if the foot of it was boggish, called out to a clown that was ditching, and asked if it was hard at the bottom? Aye, answered the countryman, it is hard enough at the bottom, I will warrant you. But in half a dozen steps the horse sunk up to the saddle girts, which made the young gallant whip, spur, curse, and swear; Why you whoreson of a rascal, said he to the ditcher, didst thou not tell me that it was hard at the bottom? Aye, said the ditcher, but you are not halfway to the bottom yet.

* "An Englishman and a Welshman disputing in whose Country was the best living; said the Welshman, there is such noble housekeeping in Wales, that I have known above a dozen cooks to be employed at one wedding dinner. Aye, replied the Englishman, that was because every man toasted his own cheese.

* "One losing a bag of money of about Fifty pounds, between the Temple Gate and Temple Bar, fixed up a paper, offering a reward to those who took it and should return it. Upon which, the person that had it came and wrote underneath it to the following effect: Sir, I thank you for the offered reward, but indeed you really bid me to my loss.

* "A very humourous countryman having bought a barn in partnership with a neighbour of his, neglected to make the least use of it, while the other had plentifully stored his part with corn and hay. In a little time the latter came to him, and conscientiously expostulated with him about laying out his money to so little purpose. Why, neighbour, said he, pray never trouble your head, you may do what you will with your part of the barn, but I will set mine on fire.

* "The famous Tom Thynne, who was remarkable for his good housekeeping and hospitality, standing one day at hisgate in the Country, a beggar came up to him and craved a mug of his small beer. Why, how now, said he, what times are these, when beggars must be choosers! I say, bring this fellow a mug of strong beer.

* "A profligate young Nobleman being in company with some sober people, desired leave to toast the Devil. The gentleman who sat next to him, said he had no objection to any of his Lordship's particular friends.

* "A certain Lady of quality, sending her Irish footman to fetch home a pair of new stays, strictly charged him to take a coach if it rained, for fear of wetting them. But a great shower falling, the fellow returned with the stays dripping wet; and being severely reprimanded for not doing as he was ordered, he said he had obeyed his orders. How then, answered the lady, could the stays be wet if you took them into the coach with you? No replied honest Teague, I know my place better, I did not get into the Coach, but rode behind, as I always used to do.

"Two honest gentlemen, who dealt in brooms, meeting one day in the street, one asked the other, how the devil he could afford to undersell him as he did, when he stole the stuff, and made the brooms himself? Why, you silly dog, replied the other, I steal them ready made.

"A cowardly servant having been out a hunting with his master, they killed a wild boar. The fellow thinking the boar stirred, betook himself to a tree; upon which his master called to him, and asked him, what he was afraid of, as the boar's guts were out? No matter for that, said he, his teeth are in.

"One Irishman meeting another, asked, what was become of their old acquaintance Patrick Murphy? Arrah! now, dear honey, answered the other, he was condemned to die, but he saved his life by dying in prison.

"One asked his friend, why he, being such a proper man himself, had married so small a wife? Why, friend, said he, I thought you had known that of evils we should chuse the least.

"Two gentlemen, one named Chambers and the other Garret, riding to Tyburn, said the first, This would be a prettytenement, if it had a garret. You fool, says Garret, don't you know there must be Chambers first.

"Two Irishmen having travelled on foot from Chester to Barnet, were much tired and fatigued with their journey, and the more so when they were told that they had still ten miles to London. By my shoul and St. Patrick, cries one of them, it is but five miles apiece, let's e'en walk on.

* "A country clergyman meeting a neighbour who never came to church although an old fellow about sixty, he gave him some reproof on that account and asked him if he never read at home? No, replied the clown, I cannot read. I dare say, said the parson, You don't know who made you? Not I, in troth, said the countryman. A little boy coming by at the time—Who made you, child? said the parson. God, sir, said the boy. Why, look you there quoth the clergyman, are you not ashamed to hear a child five or six years old tell me who made him, when you, who are so old a man, cannot? Ah! said the countryman it is no wonder that he should remember; he was made but the other day, and it is a long while, measter, since I was made."

Of Merry Books this is the Chief,'Tis as a purging Pill;To carry off all heavy GriefAnd make you laugh your Fill

Of Merry Books this is the Chief,

'Tis as a purging Pill;

To carry off all heavy Grief

And make you laugh your Fill

Printed & Sold in London

Question. Into this world I came hanging,And when from the same I was ganging,I was cruelly batter'd and Squeez'd,And men with my blood, they were pleas'd.

Question. Into this world I came hanging,

And when from the same I was ganging,

I was cruelly batter'd and Squeez'd,

And men with my blood, they were pleas'd.

It is a Pipping pounded into Cyder

Answer.It is a Pipping pounded into Cyder.

Q. A Wide Mouth, no ears nor eyes,No scorching flames I feel—Swallow more than may sufficeFull forty at a meal.

Q. A Wide Mouth, no ears nor eyes,

No scorching flames I feel—

Swallow more than may suffice

Full forty at a meal.

It is an Oven

A.It is an Oven.

Q. Tho' of great ageI'm kept in a CageHaving a long tail and one ear,My mouth it is roundAnd when Joys do aboundO' then I sing wonderful clear.

Q. Tho' of great age

I'm kept in a Cage

Having a long tail and one ear,

My mouth it is round

And when Joys do abound

O' then I sing wonderful clear.

It is a Bell in a Steeple

A.It is a Bell in a Steeple; the Rope betokens a Tail, & the Wheel an ear.

Q. The greatest travellers that e'er were knownBy Sea and land were mighty archers twain;No armor proof, or fenced walls of stone,Could turn their arrows; bulwarks were in vain.Thro' princes courts, and kingdoms far and near,As well in foreign parts as Christendom,These travellers their weary steps then steer,But to the deserts seldom come.

Q. The greatest travellers that e'er were known

By Sea and land were mighty archers twain;

No armor proof, or fenced walls of stone,

Could turn their arrows; bulwarks were in vain.

Thro' princes courts, and kingdoms far and near,

As well in foreign parts as Christendom,

These travellers their weary steps then steer,

But to the deserts seldom come.

'Tis Death and Cupid, whose arrows pierce....

A.'Tis Death and Cupid, whose arrows pierce thro' the walls of Brass or strong Armour in all Courts and Kingdoms in the habitable World.

Q. Two Calves and an ApeThey made their escapeFrom one that was worse than a spright;They travell'd togetherIn all sorts of weatherBut often were put in a fright.

Q. Two Calves and an Ape

They made their escape

From one that was worse than a spright;

They travell'd together

In all sorts of weather

But often were put in a fright.

'Tis a Man flying from his scolding wife

A.'Tis a Man flying from his scolding wife; the two Calves and an Ape, signify the calves of the legs and the Nape of his neck, which by travelling was expos'd to the weather.

Q. A thing with a thundering breechIt weighing a thousand welly,I have heard it roarLouder than Guys wild boar,They say it hath death in its belly.

Q. A thing with a thundering breech

It weighing a thousand welly,

I have heard it roar

Louder than Guys wild boar,

They say it hath death in its belly.

It is a Cannon

A.It is a Cannon.

Q. It flies without wings,Between silken stringsAnd leaves as you'll findIt's guts still behind.

Q. It flies without wings,

Between silken strings

And leaves as you'll find

It's guts still behind.

It is a Weaver's Shuttle

A.It is a Weaver's Shuttle.

Q. Close in a cage a bird I'll keep,That sings both day and night,When other birds are fast asleepIt's notes yield sweet delight.

Q. Close in a cage a bird I'll keep,

That sings both day and night,

When other birds are fast asleep

It's notes yield sweet delight.

It is a Clock

A.It is a Clock.

Q. To the green woodFull oft it hath gang'd,Yet yields us no goodTill decently hang'd.

Q. To the green wood

Full oft it hath gang'd,

Yet yields us no good

Till decently hang'd.

It is a hog fattened with Acorns

A.It is a hog fattened with Acorns, which makes good bacon when hanged a drying.

Q. Rich, yellow, and bright,Long, slender and white,Both one in another there are;Now tell unto me,What this Riddle may be,Then will I your wisdom declare.

Q. Rich, yellow, and bright,

Long, slender and white,

Both one in another there are;

Now tell unto me,

What this Riddle may be,

Then will I your wisdom declare.

A Diamond ring on a Lady's finger

A.A Diamond ring on a Lady's finger.

Q. A Visage fairAnd voice is rare,Affording pleasant charms;Which is with usMost ominousPresaging future harms.

Q. A Visage fair

And voice is rare,

Affording pleasant charms;

Which is with us

Most ominous

Presaging future harms.

A Mermaid, which betokens destruction to Mariners

A.A Mermaid, which betokens destruction to Mariners.

Q. To ease men of their careI do both rend and tearTheir mother's bowels still;Yet tho' I do,There are but fewThat seem to take it ill.

Q. To ease men of their care

I do both rend and tear

Their mother's bowels still;

Yet tho' I do,

There are but few

That seem to take it ill.

'Tis a Plough....

A.'Tis a Plough which breaks up the bowels of the Earth for the sowing of Corn.

Q. By sparks in lawn fineI am lustily drawn,But not in a chariot or Coach;I fly, in a word,More swift than a bird,That does the green forest approach.

Q. By sparks in lawn fine

I am lustily drawn,

But not in a chariot or Coach;

I fly, in a word,

More swift than a bird,

That does the green forest approach.

An Arrow drawn in a Bow by a Gentleman Archer

A.An Arrow drawn in a Bow by a Gentleman Archer.

Q. By the help of a guideI often divideWhat once in a green forest stood;Behold me, tho' IHave got but one eye,When that is stopt I do the most good.

Q. By the help of a guide

I often divide

What once in a green forest stood;

Behold me, tho' I

Have got but one eye,

When that is stopt I do the most good.

A Hatchet, with which they cleave Wood....

A.A Hatchet, with which they cleave Wood; till the Eye is stopped with the Haft, it cannot perform business.

Q. My back is broad, my belly is thin,And I am sent to pleasure youth;Where mortal man has never beenTho' strange it is a naked truth.

Q. My back is broad, my belly is thin,

And I am sent to pleasure youth;

Where mortal man has never been

Tho' strange it is a naked truth.

A Paper Kite which mounts the lofty air

A.A Paper Kite which mounts the lofty air.

New Riddles make both Wit and Mirth,The Price of a Penny, yet not half the Worth.By S. M.

New Riddles make both Wit and Mirth,

The Price of a Penny, yet not half the Worth.

By S. M.

Printed and Sold inLondon.

Q. Tho' it be cold I wear no cloaths,The frost and snow I never fear,I value neither shoes nor hose,And yet I wander far and near;Both meat and drink are always free,I drink no cyder, mum, nor beer,What Providence doth send to meI neither buy, nor sell, nor lack.

Q. Tho' it be cold I wear no cloaths,

The frost and snow I never fear,

I value neither shoes nor hose,

And yet I wander far and near;

Both meat and drink are always free,

I drink no cyder, mum, nor beer,

What Providence doth send to me

I neither buy, nor sell, nor lack.

A Herring swimming in the Sea

A.A Herring swimming in the Sea.

Q. Once hairy scenter did transgress,Whose dame, both powerful and fierce,Tho' hairy scenter took delightTo do the thing both fair and right,Upon a Sabbath day.

Q. Once hairy scenter did transgress,

Whose dame, both powerful and fierce,

Tho' hairy scenter took delight

To do the thing both fair and right,

Upon a Sabbath day.

... for Catching Mice on a Sunday

A.An old Woman whipping her Cat for Catching Mice on a Sunday.

Q. Promotion lately was bestow'dUpon a person mean and small;Then many persons to him flow'd,Yet he return'd no thanks at all;But yet their hands were ready stillTo help him with their kind good will.

Q. Promotion lately was bestow'd

Upon a person mean and small;

Then many persons to him flow'd,

Yet he return'd no thanks at all;

But yet their hands were ready still

To help him with their kind good will.

It is a Man pelted in the Pillory

A.It is a Man pelted in the Pillory.

Q. There was a sight near Charing Cross,A creature almost like a horse;But when I came the beast to see,The head was where the Tail should be.

Q. There was a sight near Charing Cross,

A creature almost like a horse;

But when I came the beast to see,

The head was where the Tail should be.

A Mare tied with her tail to the Manger

A.A Mare tied with her tail to the Manger.

Q. As I walked thro' the street,It was near twelve o'clock at night;Two all in black I chanc'd to meet,Their eyes like flaming fire bright.They passed by, and nothing said,Therefore I was not much afraid.

Q. As I walked thro' the street,

It was near twelve o'clock at night;

Two all in black I chanc'd to meet,

Their eyes like flaming fire bright.

They passed by, and nothing said,

Therefore I was not much afraid.

Two long lighted Links carried along the street

A.Two long lighted Links carried along the street.

Q. Three men near the flowing Thames,Much pains and labour they did takeThey did both scratch and claw their wems,Until their very hearts did ache.It is as true as e'er was told,Therefore this riddle now unfold.

Q. Three men near the flowing Thames,

Much pains and labour they did take

They did both scratch and claw their wems,

Until their very hearts did ache.

It is as true as e'er was told,

Therefore this riddle now unfold.

Three Fidlers in Thames Street...

A.Three Fidlers in Thames Street, who played up a bridegroom in the Morning, who gave them nothing to drink.

Q. There is a steeple standing fair,'Tis built upon a rock of care,Therein a noise both fierce and shrill,Tho' here was neither clock nor bell.

Q. There is a steeple standing fair,

'Tis built upon a rock of care,

Therein a noise both fierce and shrill,

Tho' here was neither clock nor bell.

An old woman scolding in a high crown'd Hat

A.An old woman scolding in a high crown'd Hat.

Q. My weapon is exceeding keen,Of which I think I well may boast,And I'll encounter Colonel GreenTogether with his mighty host.With me they could not then compare,I conquer them both great and small,Tho' thousands stood before me thereI stood and got no harm at all.

Q. My weapon is exceeding keen,

Of which I think I well may boast,

And I'll encounter Colonel Green

Together with his mighty host.

With me they could not then compare,

I conquer them both great and small,

Tho' thousands stood before me there

I stood and got no harm at all.

A Man mowing of Grass with a Scyth....

A.A Man mowing of Grass with a Scyth, which took all before it.

Q. I saw five birds all in a cage,Each bird had but one single wing,They were an hundred years of age,And yet did fly and sweetly sing.The wonder did my mind possess,When I beheld their age and strength;Besides, as near as I can guess,—Their tails were thirty feet in length.

Q. I saw five birds all in a cage,

Each bird had but one single wing,

They were an hundred years of age,

And yet did fly and sweetly sing.

The wonder did my mind possess,

When I beheld their age and strength;

Besides, as near as I can guess,—

Their tails were thirty feet in length.

A Peel of Bells in a Steeple

A.A Peel of Bells in a Steeple.

A Person of noble Birthand Extraction and well known by Rich and Poor throughout the Kingdom of Great Britain; Being accused of several Misdemeanours, by him committed against his Majesty's Liege People; by killing some, wounding others, and bringing Thousands to Beggary, and ruins many a poor family.Here you have the substance of the Evidence given in against him on his Trial; with the Names of the Judges, Jury and Witnesses. Also the comical Defence Sir John makes for himself, and the Character given him by some of his Neighbours, namely Hewson the Cobler, an honest Friend of Sir John's, who is entomb'd as a Memorandum, at the Two Brewers in East Smithfield.

Here you have the substance of the Evidence given in against him on his Trial; with the Names of the Judges, Jury and Witnesses. Also the comical Defence Sir John makes for himself, and the Character given him by some of his Neighbours, namely Hewson the Cobler, an honest Friend of Sir John's, who is entomb'd as a Memorandum, at the Two Brewers in East Smithfield.

Taken in Short Hand by Thomas Tosspot, Foreman of the Jury.

The Trial of Sir John Barleycorn, Knt.

Licensed and entered according to Order.

Sir John Barleycorn, Knt.

Printed and Sold in Aldermary Church YardLondon.

This Chap-book not only contains the following ballad, but sets forth the offences of which Sir John is guilty, and witnesses are called to prove them. They consist principally of his making people quarrelsome, etc. For the defence it is asserted that "there is not such another in the land that can do what he can and hath done for he can make a cripple to go, he can make a coward to fight with a valiant soldier; nay he can make a good soldier to feel neither hunger or cold." It is needless to say he is triumphantly acquitted.

Sir John Barleycorn, Knt.

"To the Tune of Old Sir John Barleycorn, Or Jack ofall Trades.

"All you that be good fellows,Come listen unto me,If that you love the alehouseAnd merry company."Attend unto my story,It makes my heart full sorry,Which I fear is too trueAnd many doth it rue."'Tis of a gallant noble Knight,Which many know full well,An honest man, I witness can,If I the truth may tell."His name is Sir John Barleycorn,Who makes both beer and bread,What would do all that now are born,If Barleycorn was dead?"For as I abroad did walk,I heard a piteous cry,And many a man did talkThat Barleycorn must die,"His enemies increase so fast,At board, and eke at bed,I fear their malice will not cease,Till they cut off his head."For Smut the honest blacksmith,With many tradesmen more;And Snip the nimble Taylor,Doth vow that he shall die."And Will the Weaver doth complain,With many thousands more;I hope their labour is in vain,Therefore they may give o'er."Yet now awhile give ear,You that are standers by,And you presently shall hearSir John condemned to die."All you that love poor Barleycorn,A good word for him give,And he that speaks against him,I wish he may not live."

"All you that be good fellows,Come listen unto me,If that you love the alehouseAnd merry company.

"All you that be good fellows,

Come listen unto me,

If that you love the alehouse

And merry company.

"Attend unto my story,It makes my heart full sorry,Which I fear is too trueAnd many doth it rue.

"Attend unto my story,

It makes my heart full sorry,

Which I fear is too true

And many doth it rue.

"'Tis of a gallant noble Knight,Which many know full well,An honest man, I witness can,If I the truth may tell.

"'Tis of a gallant noble Knight,

Which many know full well,

An honest man, I witness can,

If I the truth may tell.

"His name is Sir John Barleycorn,Who makes both beer and bread,What would do all that now are born,If Barleycorn was dead?

"His name is Sir John Barleycorn,

Who makes both beer and bread,

What would do all that now are born,

If Barleycorn was dead?

"For as I abroad did walk,I heard a piteous cry,And many a man did talkThat Barleycorn must die,

"For as I abroad did walk,

I heard a piteous cry,

And many a man did talk

That Barleycorn must die,

"His enemies increase so fast,At board, and eke at bed,I fear their malice will not cease,Till they cut off his head.

"His enemies increase so fast,

At board, and eke at bed,

I fear their malice will not cease,

Till they cut off his head.

"For Smut the honest blacksmith,With many tradesmen more;And Snip the nimble Taylor,Doth vow that he shall die.

"For Smut the honest blacksmith,

With many tradesmen more;

And Snip the nimble Taylor,

Doth vow that he shall die.

"And Will the Weaver doth complain,With many thousands more;I hope their labour is in vain,Therefore they may give o'er.

"And Will the Weaver doth complain,

With many thousands more;

I hope their labour is in vain,

Therefore they may give o'er.

"Yet now awhile give ear,You that are standers by,And you presently shall hearSir John condemned to die.

"Yet now awhile give ear,

You that are standers by,

And you presently shall hear

Sir John condemned to die.

"All you that love poor Barleycorn,A good word for him give,And he that speaks against him,I wish he may not live."

"All you that love poor Barleycorn,

A good word for him give,

And he that speaks against him,

I wish he may not live."

The foregoing is nothing like so witty, or funny, as the Black-Letter ballad. A copy is in the British Museum (Rox. i. 343), which, although it has been reprinted, is not generally known, and is too good to lose.*

"A pleasant new Ballad to Sing both Even and Morne,Of the bloody Murther of Sir John Barleycorne.

"A pleasant new Ballad to Sing both Even and Morne,

Of the bloody Murther of Sir John Barleycorne.

"To the tune ofShall I lye beyond thee.

"As I went through the North Countrey,I heard a merry greeting,A pleasant toy, and full of joy,two noble men were meeting."And as they walked for to sport,vpon a Sommers day,Then with another noble manthey went to make a fray."Whose name was sir John Barleycornehe dwelt down in a dale;Who had a kinsman dwelt him nighthey cal'd him Thomas Goodale."Another named Richard Beere,was ready at that time;Another worthy Knight was there,call'd sir William White Wine."Some of them fought in a blacke Jacke,some of them in a Can;But the chiefest in a blacke pot,like a worthy noble man."Sir John Barleycorne fought in a Boulewho wonne the victorie;And made them all to fume and swearethat Barleycorne should die."Some said kill him, some said drowne,others wisht to hang him hie;For as many as follow Barleycorneshall surely beggers die."Then with a plough they plowed him vpand thus they did deuise,To burie him quicke within the earthand swore he should not rise."With horrowes strong they combed himand burst clods on his head:A joyfull banquet then was made,when Barleycorne was dead."He rested still within the earthtill raine from skies did fallThen he grew vp in branches greene,which sore amazed them all."And so grew vp till Midsommer,which made them all afeard;For he was sprouted vp on hieand got a goodly beard."Then he grew till S. James tidehis countenance was wan,For he was growne vnto his strength,and thus became a man."With hookes and sickles keene,into the field they hide,They cut his legs off by the knees,and made him wounds full wide."Thus bloodily they cut him downefrom place where he did stand,And like a thiefe for treachery,they bound him in a band."So then they tooke him vp againeaccording to his kind;And packt him vp in seuerall stackesto wither with the wind."And with a pitchfork that was sharpe,they rent him to the heart,And like a thiefe for treason vilethey bound him in a cart."And tending him with weapons strong,vnto the towne they hie,And straight they mowed him in a mowand there they let him lie."Then he lay groaning by the wals,till all his wounds were sore;At length they took him vp againeand cast him on the floore."They hyred two with holly clubs,to beat on him at once,They thwacked so on Barlycornethat flesh fell from the bones."And then they tooke him vp againeto fulfill womens mindThey dusted and they sifted him,till he was almost blind."And then they knit him in a sackewhich grieued him full sore;They steep'd him in a Fat, God wot,for three dayes space and more,"Then they tooke him vp againe,and laid him for to drie,They cast him on a chamber floore,and swore that he should die."They rubbed and they stirred himand still they did him turne,The Malt man swore that he should diehis body he would burne."They spightfully tooke him vp againeAnd threw him on a kill:So dried him then with fire hot,and thus they wraught their will."Then they brought him to the mill,and there they burst his bones,The Miller swore to murther himbetwixt a pair of Stones."Then they tooke him vp againe,and seru'd him worse than thatFor with hot scalding liquor scorethey washt him in a Fat."But not content with this, God wot,that did him mickle harme,With threatning words they promisedto beat him into barme"And lying in this danger deepfor feare that he should quarrell,They took him straight out of the fatand tunn'd him in a barrell."And then they set a tap to him,euen thus his death begun;They drew out euery drain of blood,whilst any drop would run,"Some brought iacks vpon their backssome brought bill and bow,And euery man his weapon had,Barlycorne to overthrow."When sir John Goodale heard of thishe came with mickle mightAnd there he took their tongues away,their legs or else their sight."And thus sir John in each respectso paid them all their hire,That some lay sleeping by the waysome tumbling in the mire—"Some lay groning by the wals,some in the streets down right,The best of them did scarcely knowwhat they had done ore night."All you good wiues that brew good aleGod turne from you all teen,But if you put too much water inthe devill put out your eyne.

"As I went through the North Countrey,I heard a merry greeting,A pleasant toy, and full of joy,two noble men were meeting.

"As I went through the North Countrey,

I heard a merry greeting,

A pleasant toy, and full of joy,

two noble men were meeting.

"And as they walked for to sport,vpon a Sommers day,Then with another noble manthey went to make a fray.

"And as they walked for to sport,

vpon a Sommers day,

Then with another noble man

they went to make a fray.

"Whose name was sir John Barleycornehe dwelt down in a dale;Who had a kinsman dwelt him nighthey cal'd him Thomas Goodale.

"Whose name was sir John Barleycorne

he dwelt down in a dale;

Who had a kinsman dwelt him nigh

they cal'd him Thomas Goodale.

"Another named Richard Beere,was ready at that time;Another worthy Knight was there,call'd sir William White Wine.

"Another named Richard Beere,

was ready at that time;

Another worthy Knight was there,

call'd sir William White Wine.

"Some of them fought in a blacke Jacke,some of them in a Can;But the chiefest in a blacke pot,like a worthy noble man.

"Some of them fought in a blacke Jacke,

some of them in a Can;

But the chiefest in a blacke pot,

like a worthy noble man.

"Sir John Barleycorne fought in a Boulewho wonne the victorie;And made them all to fume and swearethat Barleycorne should die.

"Sir John Barleycorne fought in a Boule

who wonne the victorie;

And made them all to fume and sweare

that Barleycorne should die.

"Some said kill him, some said drowne,others wisht to hang him hie;For as many as follow Barleycorneshall surely beggers die.

"Some said kill him, some said drowne,

others wisht to hang him hie;

For as many as follow Barleycorne

shall surely beggers die.

"Then with a plough they plowed him vpand thus they did deuise,To burie him quicke within the earthand swore he should not rise.

"Then with a plough they plowed him vp

and thus they did deuise,

To burie him quicke within the earth

and swore he should not rise.

"With horrowes strong they combed himand burst clods on his head:A joyfull banquet then was made,when Barleycorne was dead.

"With horrowes strong they combed him

and burst clods on his head:

A joyfull banquet then was made,

when Barleycorne was dead.

"He rested still within the earthtill raine from skies did fallThen he grew vp in branches greene,which sore amazed them all.

"He rested still within the earth

till raine from skies did fall

Then he grew vp in branches greene,

which sore amazed them all.

"And so grew vp till Midsommer,which made them all afeard;For he was sprouted vp on hieand got a goodly beard.

"And so grew vp till Midsommer,

which made them all afeard;

For he was sprouted vp on hie

and got a goodly beard.

"Then he grew till S. James tidehis countenance was wan,For he was growne vnto his strength,and thus became a man.

"Then he grew till S. James tide

his countenance was wan,

For he was growne vnto his strength,

and thus became a man.

"With hookes and sickles keene,into the field they hide,They cut his legs off by the knees,and made him wounds full wide.

"With hookes and sickles keene,

into the field they hide,

They cut his legs off by the knees,

and made him wounds full wide.

"Thus bloodily they cut him downefrom place where he did stand,And like a thiefe for treachery,they bound him in a band.

"Thus bloodily they cut him downe

from place where he did stand,

And like a thiefe for treachery,

they bound him in a band.

"So then they tooke him vp againeaccording to his kind;And packt him vp in seuerall stackesto wither with the wind.

"So then they tooke him vp againe

according to his kind;

And packt him vp in seuerall stackes

to wither with the wind.

"And with a pitchfork that was sharpe,they rent him to the heart,And like a thiefe for treason vilethey bound him in a cart.

"And with a pitchfork that was sharpe,

they rent him to the heart,

And like a thiefe for treason vile

they bound him in a cart.

"And tending him with weapons strong,vnto the towne they hie,And straight they mowed him in a mowand there they let him lie.

"And tending him with weapons strong,

vnto the towne they hie,

And straight they mowed him in a mow

and there they let him lie.

"Then he lay groaning by the wals,till all his wounds were sore;At length they took him vp againeand cast him on the floore.

"Then he lay groaning by the wals,

till all his wounds were sore;

At length they took him vp againe

and cast him on the floore.

"They hyred two with holly clubs,to beat on him at once,They thwacked so on Barlycornethat flesh fell from the bones.

"They hyred two with holly clubs,

to beat on him at once,

They thwacked so on Barlycorne

that flesh fell from the bones.

"And then they tooke him vp againeto fulfill womens mindThey dusted and they sifted him,till he was almost blind.

"And then they tooke him vp againe

to fulfill womens mind

They dusted and they sifted him,

till he was almost blind.

"And then they knit him in a sackewhich grieued him full sore;They steep'd him in a Fat, God wot,for three dayes space and more,

"And then they knit him in a sacke

which grieued him full sore;

They steep'd him in a Fat, God wot,

for three dayes space and more,

"Then they tooke him vp againe,and laid him for to drie,They cast him on a chamber floore,and swore that he should die.

"Then they tooke him vp againe,

and laid him for to drie,

They cast him on a chamber floore,

and swore that he should die.

"They rubbed and they stirred himand still they did him turne,The Malt man swore that he should diehis body he would burne.

"They rubbed and they stirred him

and still they did him turne,

The Malt man swore that he should die

his body he would burne.

"They spightfully tooke him vp againeAnd threw him on a kill:So dried him then with fire hot,and thus they wraught their will.

"They spightfully tooke him vp againe

And threw him on a kill:

So dried him then with fire hot,

and thus they wraught their will.

"Then they brought him to the mill,and there they burst his bones,The Miller swore to murther himbetwixt a pair of Stones.

"Then they brought him to the mill,

and there they burst his bones,

The Miller swore to murther him

betwixt a pair of Stones.

"Then they tooke him vp againe,and seru'd him worse than thatFor with hot scalding liquor scorethey washt him in a Fat.

"Then they tooke him vp againe,

and seru'd him worse than that

For with hot scalding liquor score

they washt him in a Fat.

"But not content with this, God wot,that did him mickle harme,With threatning words they promisedto beat him into barme

"But not content with this, God wot,

that did him mickle harme,

With threatning words they promised

to beat him into barme

"And lying in this danger deepfor feare that he should quarrell,They took him straight out of the fatand tunn'd him in a barrell.

"And lying in this danger deep

for feare that he should quarrell,

They took him straight out of the fat

and tunn'd him in a barrell.

"And then they set a tap to him,euen thus his death begun;They drew out euery drain of blood,whilst any drop would run,

"And then they set a tap to him,

euen thus his death begun;

They drew out euery drain of blood,

whilst any drop would run,

"Some brought iacks vpon their backssome brought bill and bow,And euery man his weapon had,Barlycorne to overthrow.

"Some brought iacks vpon their backs

some brought bill and bow,

And euery man his weapon had,

Barlycorne to overthrow.

"When sir John Goodale heard of thishe came with mickle mightAnd there he took their tongues away,their legs or else their sight.

"When sir John Goodale heard of this

he came with mickle might

And there he took their tongues away,

their legs or else their sight.

"And thus sir John in each respectso paid them all their hire,That some lay sleeping by the waysome tumbling in the mire—

"And thus sir John in each respect

so paid them all their hire,

That some lay sleeping by the way

some tumbling in the mire—

"Some lay groning by the wals,some in the streets down right,The best of them did scarcely knowwhat they had done ore night.

"Some lay groning by the wals,

some in the streets down right,

The best of them did scarcely know

what they had done ore night.

"All you good wiues that brew good aleGod turne from you all teen,But if you put too much water inthe devill put out your eyne.

"All you good wiues that brew good ale

God turne from you all teen,

But if you put too much water in

the devill put out your eyne.

*This ballad, which is circa 1640, was stolen wholesale by Robert Burns, as an examination of "John Barleycorn" will prove.

"FINIS.

"London, Printed for John Wright, and are to be sold at hisshop in GuiltSpurre street, at the syne of the Bible."

There can be very little doubt but that this virago was a living being, for the first edition known of her "Life and Pranks"—which was published in 1582, and which differs materially from the Chap-book version—bears internal evidence of her reality; and she must have lived in the reign of Henry VIII., for, in chapter ii. she finds, on her arrival in London, her mistress drinking with Doctor Skelton (poet laureate, who died 1529), Will Summers the King's Jester, and a Spanish knight called Sir James of Castille. As the 1582 edition does not mention her death, she might then have been alive. The Chap-book version says, "After marriage she kept a house at Islington." This may have been true, but she also seems to have had one on the Southwark side of the river, for a scarce tract, called "Holland's leaguer," etc. (London, 1632), says, "It was out of theCitieyet in the view of theCitieonly divided by a delicateRiver: there was many handsome buildings, and many hearty neighbours, yet at the first foundation, it was renowned for nothing so much as for the memory of that famous Amazon,Longa Margarita, who had there for many years kept a famousinfamoushouse of open Hospitality," and on the tract is a woodcut of the house. That she was well known, appears in an old book, "Pierces Supererogation, on a new prayse of the Olde Asse," by Gabriell Harvey, 1593, p. 145: "Phy, Long Megg of Westminster would have been ashamed to disgrace her Sonday bonet with her Satterday witt. She knew some rules of Decorum; and although she were a lustie bounsing rampe, somewhat like Gallemella or maide Marian, yet was she not such a roinish rannell, or such a dissolute gillian-flurtes, as this wainscot-faced Tomboy.'

It is probable from this, as speaking of her in the past tense, that she was then dead, and this is the more likely, as there is an entry in the curious diary of Philip Henslowe, proprietor of the Rose Theatre near Bankside, Southwark, relating to her. He kept a register of all the plays performed by the servants of Lord Strange and the Lord Admiral, and by other companies, between February 19, 1591-2, and November 5, 1597. Against each entry was put the sum he received as a proprietor from either a part or the whole of the galleries; so we read, "R the 14 of febreary 1594, at long mege of westmester (18*)l.iii.s.ix.d.o." It was performed at the theatre at Newington Butts, which Howes, in his continuation of Stowe's "Chronicles" (1631), mentions as having been there "in former time." By whom it was acted seems uncertain, as the heading reads, "In the name of God, Amen, beginning atnewingtonmylord admirell men,andmy lord chamberlen men, as followeth, 1594."

It is a singular coincidence that on this very February 14, 1594, the Registers of the Stationers' Company should have an entry: "xiiij Febr. John Danter. Entred for his Copie &c. a ballad entituled The mad merye pranckes of Long Megg of Westm(inster) ... vjd."

That the play was popular, is evidenced by the fact that in N. Field's play, "Amends for Ladies" (1618), Meg is not only mentioned, but the play is spoken of by Fee simple: "Faith, I have a good mind to see Long Meg and the Ship at the Fortune."

*This shows how popular the play was, as it notes it had the long run of eighteen representations.

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