Page 99—Drawing Land

Page 99—Drawing LandA Lesson in Drawing.A Lesson in DrawingI.Take a pencil, black or red.Draw a little loaf of breadOn a piece of paper white—Make the bread extremely light.II.Then, before your work you stop,Draw a little loop on top,And a satchel will be foundSuch as ladies carry round.III.Then you may, my pretty dears,Add a pair of little ears;And, if Art is not in fault,There's a bag of extra salt.IV.Pause, and in rapture fine,Contemplate the great design—Add a flowing tail, and thatMakes a perfect pussy cat.Wounded.Drawing Lesson on the Slate: Birds.Drawing Lesson on the slate: Rooster and Household items.Drawing Lesson on the Slate: People.Previous-Index-NextPage 100—Old Men TalesOld Man and His WifeThere was an old man who lived in a wood,As you may plainly see,He said he could do as much work in a dayAs his wife could do in three."With all my heart," the old woman said,"If that you will allow;To-morrow you'll stay at home in my stead,And I'll go drive the plough."But you must milk the Tidy cow,For fear she may go dry.And you must feed the little pigsThat are within the sty;"And you must mind the speckled hen,For fear she lay away;And you must reel the spool of yarnThat I spun yesterday."The old woman took a whip in her hand,And went to drive the plough;The old man took a pail in his hand,And went to milk the cow.But Tidy hinched and Tidy flinched,And Tidy broke his nose,And Tidy gave him such a blowThat the blood ran down to his toes."Hi! Tidy! Ho! Tidy! Hi!Tidy! do stand still!If ever I milk you, Tidy, again,'Twill be sore against my will."He went to feed the little pigs,That were within the sty;He hit his head against the beamAnd he made the blood to fly.He went to mind the speckled hen,For fear she'd lay away;And he forgot the spool of yarnHis wife spun yesterday.So he swore by the sun, the moon, the stars,And the green leaves on the tree,If his wife didn't do a day's work in her life,She should never be ruled by he.John Ball Shot Them AllJohn Ball shot them all.John Scott made the shot,But John Ball shot them all.John Wyming made the priming,And John Brammer made the rammer,And John Scott made the shot,But John Ball shot them all.John Block made the stock,And John Wyming made the priming,And John Brammer made the rammer,And John Scott made the shot,But John Ball shot them all.John Crowder made the powder,And John Block made the stock,And John Wyming made the priming,And John Brammer made the rammer,And John Scott made the shot,But John Ball shot them all.John Puzzle made the muzzle,And John Crowder made the powder,And John Block made the stock,And John Wyming made the priming,And John Brammer made the rammer,And John Scott made the shot,But John Ball shot them all.John Clint made the flint,And John Puzzle made the muzzle,And John Crowder made the powder,And John Block made the stock,And John Wyming made the priming,And John Brammer made the rammer,And John Scott made the shot,But John Ball shot them all.John Patch made the match,John Clint made the flint,John Puzzle made the muzzle,John Crowder made the powder,John Block made the stock,John Wyming made the priming,John Brammer made the rammer,John Scott made the shot,But John Ball shot them all.The Funny Old ManThere was an old man, and though 'tis not common,Yet if he said true, his mother was a woman;And though it's incredible, yet I've been toldHe was a mere infant, but age made him old.Whene'er he was hungry he wanted some meat,And if he could get it, 'twas said he could eat;When thirsty he'd drink, if you gave him a pot,And his liquor most commonly ran down his throat.He seldom or never could see without light,And yet I've been told he could hear in the night.He has oft been awake in the daytime 'tis said,And has fall'n fast asleep as he lay in his bed.'Tis reported his tongue always moved when he talked,And he stirred both his arms and his legs when he walk'd,And his gait was so odd, had you seen him you'd burst,For one leg or t'other would always be first.His face was the saddest that ever was seen,For if 'twere not washed it was seldom quite clean;He showed most his teeth when he happened to grin,His mouth stood across 'twixt his nose and his chin.At last he fell sick, as old chronicles tell,And then, as folk said, he was not very well!And what is more strange, in so weak a condition,As he could not give fees, he could get no physician.What a pity he died; yet 'tis said that his deathWas occasioned at last by the want of his breath.But peace to his bones, which in ashes now moulder,Had he lived a day longer he'd been a day older.Piper and Cow.Piper and His CowThere was and old piper who had a cow,But he had no hay to give her,So he took his pipes and played her a tune"Consider, old cow, consider."Old John BrownPoor old John Brown is dead and gone,We ne'er shall see him more;He used to wear an old brown coat,All button'd down before.Three Wise MenThree wise men of Gotham,Went to sea in a bowl;If the bowl it had been stronger,My song would have been longer.Frightened Old ManThere was a man and he had nought,And robbers came to rob him;He crept up the chimney pot,And then they thought they had him;But he got down on t'other side,And so they could not find him;He ran fourteen miles in fifteen days,And never look'd behind him.A Man with a WifeI had a little wife, the prettiest ever seen,She washed up the dishes, and kept the house clean;She went to the mill to fetch me some flour,She brought it home in less than an hour;She baked me my bread, she brewed me my ale,She sat by the fire and told me many a fine tale.Crooked Old ManThere was a crooked man,And he went a crooked mile,He found a crooked sixpence,Against a crooked stile.He bought a crooked cat,Which caught a crooked mouse,And they all lived togetherIn a little crooked house.King ArthurWhen good King Arthur ruled this land,He was a goodly King;He stole three pecks of barley meal,To make a bag pudding.A bag pudding the King did make,And stuffed it well with plums;And in it put great lumps of fat,As big as my two thumbs.The King and Queen did eat thereof,And noblemen beside;And what they could not eat that nightThe Queen next morning fried.Barney BodkinBarney Bodkin broke his nose,Without feet we can't have toes,Crazy folks are always mad,Want of money makes us sad.Funny ManA man of words and not of deeds,Is like a garden fill of weeds;And when the weeds begin to grow,It's like a garden full of snow;And when the snow begins to fall,It's like a bird upon the wall;And when the bird away does fly,It's like an eagle in the sky;And when the sky begins to roar,It's like a lion at the door;And when the door begins to crack,It's like a stick across your back;And when your back begins to smart,It's like a penknife in your heart;And when your heart begins to bleed,You're dead, and dead, and dead indeed.Strange ManThere was a man and he was mad,And he jumped into a pea-pod;The pea-pod was over-full,So he jumped into a roaring bull;The roaring bull was over-fat,So he jumped into a gentleman's hat;The gentleman's hat was over-fine,So he jumped into a bottle of wine;The bottle of wine was over-dear,So he jumped into a bottle of beer;The bottle of beer was over-thick,So he jumped into a club-stick;The club-stick was over-narrow,So he jumped into a wheel-barrow;The wheel-barrow began to crack,So he jumped into a hay-stack;The hay-stack began to blaze,So he did nothing but cough and sneeze.Previous-Index-NextPage 101—Old Men TalesJack SpratJack Sprat could eat no fat,His wife could eat no lean,And so between them bothThey licked the platter clean.Jack ate all the lean,Joan ate all the fat,The bone they both picked clean,Then gave it to the cat.When Jack Sprat was young,He dressed very smart,He courted Joan Cole,And soon gained her heart;In his fine leather doubletAnd old greasy hat,Oh! what a smart fellowWas little Jack Sprat.Joan Cole had a holeIn her petticoat,Jack Sprat, to get a patch,Gave her a groat.The groat bought a patchWhich stopped the hole,"I thank you, Jack Sprat,"Says little Joan Cole.Jack Sprat was the bridegroom,Joan Cole was the bride,Jack said from the churchHis Joan home should ride.But no coach could take her,The road was so narrow;Said Jack, "Then I'll take herHome in a wheelbarrow."Jack Sprat was wheelingHis wife by a ditch,Then the barrow turned over,And in she did pitch.Says Jack, "She'll be drown'd!"But Joan did reply,"I don't think I shall,For the ditch is quite dry."Jack brought home his Joan,And she sat in a chair,When in came his cat,That had got but one ear.Says Joan "I've come home, Puss,Pray how do you do?"The cat wagg'd her tailAnd said nothing but "mew."Jack Sprat took his gun,And went to the brook;He shot at the drake,But he killed the duck.He bought it home to Joan,Who a fire did make,To roast the fat duckWhile Jack went for the drake.The drake was swimmingWith his curly tail,Jack Sprat came to soot him,But happened to fail.He let off his gun,But missing the mark,The drake flew awayCrying "Quack, quack, quack."Jack Sprat to live prettyNow bought him a pig,It was not very little,It was not very big;It was not very lean,It was not very fat,"It will serve for a grunter,"Said little Jack Sprat.Then Joan went to marketTo buy her some fowls,She bought a jackdawAnd a couple of owls;The owls were white,The jackdaw was black,"They'll make a rare breed,"Says little Joan Sprat.Jack Sprat bought a cow,His Joan to please,For Joan could makeBoth butter and cheese;Or pancakes or puddingsWithout any fat;A notable housewifeWas little Joan Sprat.Joan Sprat went to brewingA barrel of ale,She put in some hopsThat it might not turn stale;But as for the malt—She forgot to put that;"This is a brave sober liquor."Said little Jack Sprat.Jack Sprat went to marketAnd bought him a mare,She was lame of three legs,An as blind as she could stare.Her ribs they were bare,For the mare had no fat;"She looks like a racer,"Said little Jack Sprat.Jack and Joan went abroad,Puss looked after the house;She caught a large rat,And a very small mouse,She caught a small mouse,And a very large rat,"You're an excellent hunter,"Said little Jack Sprat.Now I've told you the storyOf little Jack Sprat,Of sweet Joan ColeAnd the poor one-ear'd cat;Now Jack he loved Joan,And good things he taught her,Then she gave him a son,Then after a daughter.Now Jack has got rich,And has plenty of pelf;If you know any moreyou may tell it yourself.Monkey Grabbing Man's Nose.Cross Old ManThere was a cross old man and what do you think,He lived on nothing but victuals and drink;Victuals and drink were his principal diet,Yet this crabbed old man would never be quiet.He teased a poor monkey, who lived in a cage,Till the animal got in a terrible rage,And seized on his nose with finger so strong,That it stretched it until it was quite a yard long.Old Man in the MoonThe man in the moon came tumbling down,And asked his way to Norwich,He went by the south, and burnt his mouth,With supping cold pease-porridge.A Funny ManThere was a man of Newington,And he was wondrous wise,He jump'd into a quickset hedgeAnd scratch'd out both his eyes.But when he saw his eyes were outWith all his might and mainHe jump'd into another hedge.And scratched them in again.Dr. FaustusDoctor Faustus was a good man,He whipt his scholars now and then.When he did he made them danceOut of Scotland into France;Out of France into Spain,And then he whipped them back again.If! If! If!If all the would was apple pie,And all the seas were ink,And all the trees were bread and cheese,What would we have to drink?It's enough to make an old manScratch his head and think.Funny MenAlderman Absolute Always Adjudicated with Astonishing AbilityAfter he had read some books from Cole's Book Arcade.Benjamin Bouncer Banged a Brown Bear with a Blunderbuss,In a lane at the back of Cole's Book Arcade.Christopher Crabstick was Cross, Captious, Cutting, and Caustic,Whenever he could not get a book brought from Cole's Book Arcade.Francis Fizgig Ferociously Fought and Frightened a Fiddler,At midday, right in front of Cole's Book Arcade.Gregory Gimcrack Grinned and Gaped at the Geese and GandersExposed for sale in the Eastern Market, just above Cole's Book Arcade.Horatio Headstrong Hurled a Hatchet at the Head of a HawkWhich sat on top of Cole's Book Arcade.Isaac Ichabod Inhabited an Isolated and Inhospitable Indian Island,At an enormous and disheartening distance from Cole's Book Arcade.Lugubrious Longface Loved Learning and Literary Lore,Which he always got out of the books he bought at Cole's Book Arcade.Marmaduke Meddlesome Munificently Meted out Mercy to a Miserable ManWho stole a book at Cole's Book Arcade.Obadiah Orpheus Opened an Original Overture Outrageously Oddly,With a small whistle and a big drum, in front of Cole's Book Arcade.Quinton Querulous Queerly Questioned a Quibbling and Querulous Quidnunc,And asked Quizzingly if he had ever seen the inside of Cole's Book Arcade.Reuben Ramble Ran a Ridiculous Rattling Race on a Railway,And beat the train in hasting to get a book at Cole's Book Arcade.Theodore Thunderbolt Told Terrible and Tremendous Tales of Travelling,Which were afterwards printed in books and sold at Cole's Book Arcade.Valentine Valiana Valorously Vanquished a Vapouring Villager,Who spoke ignorantly and slightingly of Cole's Book Arcade.Xenophon Xenocles eXhibited eXtraordinary and eXcessive eXcitabilityWhenever he was not calmed down by books from Cole's Book Arcade.Young Yokel, a Youthful Yorkshire Yeoman Yawned at York,For want of a few interesting and entertaining books from Cole's Book Arcade.Zachariah Zany Zealously studied ZoologyOut of the works which he bought at Cole's Book Arcade.Previous-Index-NextPage 102—Old Men TalesUtter NonsenseThere was an Old Person of Prague,Who was suddenly seized with the plague,But they gave him some butter, which caused him to mutter,And cured that Old Person of Prague.There was an Old Man with a gong,Who bumped at it all the day long,But they called out, "Oh, law! you're a horrid old bore!"So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.There was an Old Man of the Isles,Whose face was pervaded with smiles,He sang "Hi dum diddle," played on the fiddle,That amiable Old Man of the Isles.There was an Old Person of Dover,Who rushed through a field of blue clover;But some very large Bees stung his nose and his knees,So he very soon went back to Dover.There was an Old Man of Quebec,—A beetle ran over his neck:But he cried, "With a needle I'll slay you, O beetle!"That angry Old Man of Quebec.There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,Who studied the works of Vitruvius;When the flames burned his book, to drinking he took,That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.There was an Old Person of Buda,Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder,Till at last with a hammer they silenced his clamour,By smashing that Old Person of Buda.There was an Old Man of Marseilles,Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils,They caught several fish which they put in a dish,And sent to their Pa at Marseilles.There was an Old Man of Coblenz,The length of whose legs was immense,He went with one prance from Turkey to France,That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.There was an Old Person of Gretna,Who rushed down the crater of Etna;When they said, "Is it hot?" he replied, "No, it's not!"That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.There was an Old Person of Bangor,Whose face was distorted with anger;He tore off his boots and subsisted on roots,That borascible Person of Bangor.There was an Old Person of Spain,Who hated all trouble and pain;So he sat on a chair, with his feet in the air,That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.There was an Old Man of the West,Who never could get any rest;So they set him to spin on his nose and his chin,Which cured that Old Man of the West.There was an Old Man in a tree,Who was horribly bored by a bee;When they said, "Does it buzz?" he replied, "Yes it does!It's a regular brute of a bee!"There was an Old Man who said, "How,Shall I flee from this horrible Cow?I will sit on this stile and continue to smile,Which may soften the heart of this Cow."There was an Old Man of Calcutta,Who perpetually ate bread and butter,Till a great bit of muffin, on which he was stuffing,Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.There was an Old Man of the South,Who had an immoderate mouth;But in swallowing a dish that was quite full of fish,He was choked, that Old Man of the South.There was an Old Person of Dutton,Whose head was as small as a button;So to make it look big, he purchased a wig,And rapidly rushed about Dutton.There was an Old Man of some rocks,Who shut his wife up in a box;When she said, "Let me out," he exclaimed, "Without doubtYou will pass all your life in that box,"There was an Old Person of Rheims,Who was troubled with horrible dreams;So to keep him awake they fed him with cake,Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.There was an Old Man with a flute,A "sarpent" ran into his boot;But he played day and night, till the "sarpent" took flight,And avoided that Man with a flute.There was an Old Man of Berlin,Whose form was uncommonly thin;Till he once, by mistake, was mixed up in a cake,So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.There was an Old Man of the Hague,Whose ideas were excessively vague;He built a balloon to examine the moon,That deluded Old Man of the Hague.Old Man Sitting: Casting Jug-Shaped Shadow.A horrid Old Gentleman from Monaghan,Sat down and refused to go on again,Till they gave him a crown for leaving the town,That wretched old humbug of Monaghan.There was an Old Man if Nepaul,From his horse had a terrible fall;But, though split quite in two, with some very strong glueThey mended that Man of Nepaul.There was an Old Man of Aoster,Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;But they said, "Don't you see she has rushed up a tree?You invidious Old Man of Aosta!"There was an Old Man of the Nile,Who sharpened his nails with a file,Till he cuts of his thumbs, and said calmly, "This comesOf sharpening one's nails with a file!"There was an Old Person of Rhodes,Who strongly objected to toads;He paid several cousins to catch them by dozens,That futile Old Person of Rhodes.There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,Who wished he had never been born;So he sat on a chair until he died of despair,That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.There was an Old Person whose habitsInduced him to feed upon rabbits;When he'd eaten eighteen, he turned perfectly green,Upon which he relinquished those habits.There was an Old Man with a nose,Who said, "If you choose to supposeThat my nose is too long, you are certainly wrong!"That remarkable Man with a nose.There was an Old Man of Apulia,Whose conduct was very peculiar;He fed twenty sons upon nothing but buns,That whimsical Man of Apulia.There was an Old Man of Madras,Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;But the length of its ears so promoted his fearsThat it killed that Old Man of Madras.There was an Old Person of Sparta,Whose had twenty-five sons and one daughter;He fed them snails, and weighed them on scales,That wonderful Person of Sparta.There was an Old Person of Chilli,Whose conduct was painful and silly;He sat on the stairs, eating apples and pears,That imprudent Old Person of Chilli.There was an Old Man of the East,Who gave all his children a feast;But they all ate so much, and their conduct was suchThat it killed that Old Man of the East.There was an Old Man of Peru,Who never knew what he should do;So he tore off his hair, and behaved like a bear,That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.There was an Old Man in a boat,Who said, "I'm afloat! I'm afloat!"When they said, "No you a'int!" he was ready to faint,That unhappy Old Man in a boat.There was an Old Man of Bohemia,Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,But one day, to his grief, she married a thief,Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.There was an Old Person of Basing,Whose presence of mind was amazing;He purchased a steed, which he rode at full speedAnd escaped from the people of Basing.There was an Old Man on a hill,Who seldom if ever stood still;He ran up and down in his Grandmother's gown,Which adorned that Old Man on a hill.There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,Who never had more than a penny,He spent all that money on onions and honey,That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.There was an Old Person of Perth,The stingiest fellow on earth;He fed—oh! 'twas cruel—on seaweed and gruel,This stingy Old Person of Perth.A dogmatic Old Fellow of Shoreham,Would snub his companions and bore 'em,By flat contradiction, which was an afflictionTo the friends of this party of Shoreham.There was an Old Person of Ischia,Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;He danced hornpipes and jigs, and ate thousands of figs,That lively Old Person of Ischia.There was an Old Person of Hurst,Who drank when he was not athirst;When they said, "You'll grow fatter!" he answered, "What matter?"That globular Person of Hurst.Previous-Index-NextPage 103—Old Men TalesThe Diverting History Of John GilpinJohn Gilpin was a citizenOf credit and renown,A train-bound Captain eke was heOf famous London town.John Gilpin's spouse said to her dear,Though we have wedded been,These twice ten tedious years, yet weNo holiday have seen.To-morrow is our wedding-day,And we then will repairUnto the "Bell" at Edmonton,All in a chaise and pair,My sister and my sister's child,Myself and children three,Will fill the chaise, so you must rideOn horse-back after we.He soon replied—I do admireOf womankind but one,And you are she, my dearest dear,Therefore it shall be done,I am a linen-draper bold,As all the world doth know,And my good friend the Calender,Will lend his horse to go.Quoth Mrs Gilpin—That's well said;And for that wind is dear,We will be furnished with our own,Which is both bright and clear;John Gilpin kiss'd his loving wife,O'erjoyed was he to findThat, though on pleasure she was bent,She had a frugal mind.The morning came, the chaise was brought,And yet was not allow'dTo drive up to the door, lest allShould say that she was proud;So three doors off the post was stayed,Where they did all get in,Six precious souls, and all agogTo dash through thick and thin.Smack went the whip, round went the wheels,Were never folks so glad,The stones did rattle underneathAs if Cheapside were mad;John Gilpin at his horse's sideSeized fast the flowing mane,And up he got in haste to ride,But soon came down again.For saddle-tree scarce reached had he,His journey to begin,When turning round his head, he sawThree customers come in;So down he came—for loss of time,Although it grieved him sore,Yet loss of pence, full well he knew,Would trouble him much more.'Twas long before the customersWere suited to their mind,When Betty, screaming, came down the stairs,"The wine is left behind."Good lack! quoth he, yet bring it me,My leathern belt likewise,In which I bear my trusty swordWhen I do exercise.Now, Mistress Gilpin, careful soul,Had two stone bottles found,To hold the liquor that she loved,And keep it safe and sound,Each bottle had a curling ear,Through which the belt he drew,And hung a bottle on each side,To make his balance true.Then over all, that he might beEquipp'd from top to toe,His long red cloak, well brush'd and neat,He manfully did throw,Now see him mounted once againUpon his nimble steed,Full slowly pacing o'er the stonesWith caution and good heed.But, finding soon a smoother roadBeneath his well-shod feet,The snorting beast began to trot,Which gall'd him in his seat,So, "Fair and softly," John, he cried,But John, he cried in vain;That trot became a gallop soon,In spite of curb and rein.So, stooping down, as needs he must,Who cannot sit upright,He grasp'd the mane with both his hands,And eke with all his might,His horse, who never in that sort,Had handled been before,What thing upon his back had gotDid wonder more and more.Away went Gilpin, neck or nought,Away went hat and wig,He little dreamt when he set outOf running such a rig;The wind did blow, the cloak did fly,Like streamer long and gay,Till, loop and button failing both,At last it flew away.Then might people well discernThe bottles he had slung,A bottle swinging at each side,As had been said or sung,The dogs did bark, the children scream'd,Up flew the windows all,And ev'ry soul cried out, Well done!As loud as he could bawl.Away went Gilpin—who but he,His fame soon spread around—He carries weight, he rides a race!'Tis for a thousand pound!And still as fast as he drew near,'Twas wonderful to viewHow in a trice the turnpike menTheir gates wide open flew.And now as he went bowing downHis reeking head full low,The bottles twain behind his backWere shatter'd at a blow;Down ran the wine into the road,Most piteous to be seen,Which made his horses flanks to smoke,As they had basted been.But still he seemed to carry weight,With leathern girdle braced,For all might see the bottle-necksStill dangling at his waist;Thus all through merry IslingtonThese gambols did he play,And till he came into the WashOf Edmonton so gay.And there he threw the wash aboutOn both sides of the way,Just like unto a trundling mop,Or a wild goose at play.At Edmonton his loving wifeFrom the balcony spiedHer tender husband, wond'ring muchTo see how he did ride.Stop, stop, John Gilpin!—Here's the house—They all at once did cry,The dinner waits, and we are tired—Said Gilpin—So am I;But yet this horse was not a whitInclined to tarry there—For why? His owner had a houseFull ten miles off, at Ware.So, like an arrow, swift he flew,Shot by an archer strong;So did he fly—which brings me toThe middle of my song.Away went Gilpin, out of breath,And sore against his will,Till at his friend the Calender'sHis horse at last stood still.The Calender, amazed to seeHis neighbour in such trim,Laid down his pipe, flew to the gate,And thus accosted him:—What news? what news? your tidings tell!Tell me you must and shall—Say why bare-headed you are come,Or why you come at all?Now, Gilpin had a pleasant wit,And loved a timely joke,And thus unto the Calender,In merry guise he spoke—I came because your horse would come,And if I well forbode,My hat and wig will soon be here,They are upon the road.The Calender, right glad to findHis friend in merry pin,Return'd him not a single word,But to the house went in.When straight he came with hat and wig—A wig that flow'd behind;A hat not much the worse of wear—Each comely in its kind.He held them up, and in its turnThus showed his ready wit—My head is twice as big as yours,They therefore needs must fit.But let me scrape the dirt awayThat hangs upon your face,And stop and eat, for well you mayBe in a hungry case.Said John, It is my wedding-day,And all the world would stare,If wife should dine at Edmonton,And I should dine at Ware.So, turning to his horse, he said—I am in haste to dine,'Twas for your pleasure you came here,You shall go back for mine.Ah, luckless speech, and bootless boast,For which he paid full dear;For while he spake, a braying assDid sing most loud and clear,Whereat his horse did snort as heHad heard a lion's roar,And gallop'd off with all his might,As he had done before.Away went Gilpin, and awayWent Gilpin's hat and wig;He lost them sooner than the first,For why? they were too big.Now, Mistress Gilpin when she sawHer husband posting downInto the country, far away,She pulled out half-a-crown.And thus unto the youth she saidThat drove them to the "Bell"—This shall be yours when you bring backMy husband safe and well;The youth did ride, and soon did meetJohn coming back again,Whom in a trice, he tried to stopBy catching at his rein.But, not performing what he meant,And gladly would have done,The frightened steed he frightened more,And made him faster run;Away went Gilpin, and awayWent post-boy at his heels—The post-boy's horse right glad to missThe lumbering of the wheels.Six gentlemen upon the road,Thus seeing Gilpin fly,With post-boy scamp'ring in the rear,They raised the hue and cry:—Stop thief! stop thief!—a highwayman!An all and each that pass'd the wayDid join in the pursuit.And now the turnpike gates againFlew open in short space—The toll-men thinking as before,That Gilpin rode a race;And so he did, and won it, too,For he got first to town:Nor stopp'd till, where he had got up,He did again get down,Now let us sing: Long live the king,And Gilpin, long live he;And when he next doth ride abroad,May I be there to see.Previous-Index-NextPage 104—Song Of The Book ArcadeSong Of The Book Arcade: First Half.Books teach the children of men in many million schools;Books make the difference between earth's learned and its fools.Song Of The Book ArcadeCole's Book Arcade, Cole's Book ArcadeIt is in Melbourne town,Of all the book stores in the landIt has the most renown,It was the first, first Book ArcadeThat in the world was found;It's still the finest Book ArcadeIn all the world around.A lovely rainbow sign appearsAbove the Book ArcadeAnd 'tis the very grandest signWas ever yet displayed.Full forty thousand sorts of booksAre stored within its walls,Which can be seen, looked at or bought,By anyone that calls.The book you wish, the book you want,Is almost sure to beFound somewhere in the Book Arcade,If you will call and see.(Our Australian Choir has Cockatoos, Laughing Jackasses, Native Bears, Platypusses, Black Swans, Emus, Magpies, Opossums, and Lyre Birds, also a BUNYIP to sing deep bass, all the other Animals in the World sing the chorus, each in his natural voice. The tune is "MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB.")Value Of BooksBOOKS should be found in every houseTo form and feed the mind;They are the best of luxuries'Tis possible to find.For all the books in all the worldAre man's greatest treasure;They make him wish, and bring to himHis best, his choicest pleasure.BOOKS make his time pass happilyThrough many weary hours;Amuse, compose, instruct his mind,Enlarge his mental powers.BOOKS give to him the historyOf each and every land;BOOKS show him human action's past—The bad, the good, the grand.BOOKS show him arts, laws, learnings, faithsOf every time and place;BOOKS show him how each thing is madeUsed by the human race.Previous-Index-NextPage 105—Value Of BooksSong Of The Book Arcade: Second Half.BOOKS give to him descriptions ofThe world in which we live,Of the universe around us,And better still they give.BOOKS give to him the greatest thoughtsOf all the good and wise;BOOKS treasure human knowledge up,And so it never dies.BOOKS show him all that men have done,What they have thought and said;BOOKS show the deeds and wisdom ofThe living and the dead.BOOKS show him all the hopes and fearsOf every race and clan;BOOKS clearly prove beyond a doubtThe brotherhood of man.BOOKS give him hopes beyond the graveOf an immortal life;BOOKS teach that right and truth and loveShall banish every strife.BOOKS teach and please him when a childIn youth and in his prime;BOOKS give him soothing pleasure whenHis health and strength decline.BOOKS please him in his lonely hours,Wherever he may roam:BOOKS please when read aloud amongHis loving friends at home.BOOKS likestrong drinkwill drown his cares,But do not waste his wealth;BOOKS leave himbetter, drink theworse,In character and health.BOOKS therefore, are, of all man buys,The choicest thing on earth,BOOKS have, of all his household goods,The most intrinsic worth.BOOKS are the greatest blessing out,The grandest thing we sell,BOOKS bring more joy, BOOKS do more goodThan mortal tongue can tell.E. W. ColePrevious-Index-NextPage 106—Old Woman TalesOld Woman Who Lived in A Shoe.The Old Woman Who Lived In A ShoeThere was an old woman who lived in a shoe,She had so many children—such naughty ones too!She cried, "Oh, dear me, I don't know what to do,Who would be an old woman and live in a shoe?"Once ninety little fellows sat down on the floorAnd lustily screamed, "We won't cry any more!""Then stop crying now," the old woman said,"The noise you are making goes right through my head.""Then she gave the boys broth without any bread,And whipped them all soundly and sent them to bed.She scolded the girls, and said, "Don't make a noise,Or you shall be served just the same as the boys."Previous-Index-NextPage 107—Old Woman TalesMother GooseOld Mother Goose, whenShe wanted to wander,Would ride through the airOn a very fine gander.Mother Goose had a house,'Twas built of wood,Where an owl at the doorFor sentinel stood.She had a son Jack,A plain-looking lad,He was not very good,Nor yet very bad.She sent him to market;A live goose he bought;Here, mother, says he,It will not go for nought.Jack's goose and her ganderThey grew very fond;They'd both eat together,Or swim in one pond.Jack found one morning,As I have been told,His goose had laid himAn egg of pure gold.Jack rode to his mother,The news for to tell,She call'd him a good boy,And said it was well.Hack sold his gold eggTo a rogue of a Jew,Who cheated him out ofThe half of his due.Then Jack went a-courtingA lady so gay,As fair as the lily,And sweet as the May.The Jew and the SquireCame behind his back,And began to belabourThe sides of poor Jack.Then old Mother GooseThat instant came in,And turned her son JackInto fam'd Harlequin.She then with her wandTouch'd the lady so fine,And turn'd her at onceInto sweet Columbine.The gold egg in the seaWas quickly thrown, whenJack gave a quick dive,And soon got it again.The Jew got the goose,Which he vow'd he would kill,Resolving at onceHis pockets to fill.Jack's mother came in,And caught the goose soon,And mounting its back,Flew up to the moon.Old Woman under a HillThere was an old woman lived under a hill,Put a mouse in a bag, and sent it to mill;The Miller declar'd by the point of his knife,He ne'er saw such a big mouse in his life.Old Woman under a HillThere was an old woman lived under a hill;And if she's not gone, she lives there still.Old Woman and Three SonsThere was an old woman had three sons;Jerry, and James, and John.Jerry was hung, James was drowned;John was lost, and never was found;And there was an end of the three sons,Jerry, and James, and John.Old Woman and Shell.Old Woman who Lived in a ShellA little old woman, as I've heard tell,Lived near the sea, in a nice little shell;She was well off, if she wanted her tea—She'd plenty of water from out of the sea.Then if for her dinner she had the least wish,Of course she had nothing to do but to fish;So, really, this little old woman did well,As she didn't pay any rent for the use of the shell.Old Woman SwallowedThere was an old woman called Nothing-at-all,Who rejoiced in a dwelling exceedingly small;A man stretched his mouth to its utmost extent,And down at one gulp house and old woman went.Old Woman's CalfThere was an old woman sat spinning,And that's the first beginning;She had a calf, and that's half;She took it by the tail,And threw it over the wall, and that's all.Old Woman DrownedThere was an old woman, her name it was Peg;Her head was of wood, and she wore a cork-leg.The neighbours all pitched her into the water,Her leg was drown'd first, and her head followed a'ter.Old Woman of StepneyAt Stepney there lived,As every one knows,An old woman who hadA plum tree on her nose!The boys, while she slept,Would cautiously takeThe plums from her treeBefore she could wake.This old woman wentOne day to the lawnOf my Lord Cockagee,And there saw a fawn.Having shot him, she tiedHis hind legs to her tree,And so quitted the lawnOf my Lord Cockagee.She'd nearly reached home,When the constable came,And put her in prisonFor killing the game.While locked in her cell,She thought again and againOf how to escape,But kept thinking in vain.She considered each plan,Till she found out a wayOf escaping the prisonIn the course of the day.She cut the plum treeclose off from her nose,And made a scarecrow,Dress'd up in her clothes;This she set on a stool,With it's back to the wall,And watch'd near the doorFor fear it would fall.Soon the jailor came inWith her water and bread;He stared at the figure,While from prison she fled.The old woman reached home,Singing diddle-dee-dee;And again on her noseThere grew a plum tree.Previous-Index-NextPage 108—Old Woman TalesFunny Old WomenThere was an old person of Smyrna,Whose Granny once threatened to burn her;But she seized on the cat,And said "Granny, burn that!You incongruous old woman of Smyrna!"There was an old lady of Bute,Who played on a silver-gilt flute;She played several jigsTo her Uncle's white pigs,That amusing old lady of Bute.There was an old lady of Ryde,Whose shoe-strings were seldom untied,She purchased some clogs,And some small spotted dogs,And frequently walked about Ryde.There was an old lady of Parma,Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer,When they said "Are you dumb?"She merely said "Hum!"That provoking old lady of Parma.There was an old lady of Troy,Whom several large flies did annoy;Some she killed with a thump,Some she drowned at the pump,And some she took with her to Troy.There was an old person of Crete,Whose toilet was far from complete,She dressed in a sackSpickle-speckled with black,That ombliferous old person of Crete.There was an old lady of Wales,Who caught a large fish without scales;When she lifted her hook,She exclaimed "Only look!"That ecstatic old lady of Wales.There was an old lady of Clare,Who was sadly pursued by a bear;When she found she was tired,She abruptly expired,That unfortunate lady of Clare.There was an old lady of Dorking,Who bought a large bonnet for walking;But it's colour and size,So bedazzled her eyes,That she very soon went back to Dorking.There was an old lady of Russia,Who screamed so that no one could hush her;Her screams were extreme,No one heard such a scream,As was screamed by that lady of Russia.There was an old lady of Norway,Who casually sat in a doorway;When the door squeezed her flat,She exclaimed, "What of that?"That courageous old lady of Norway.There was an old lady of Chertsey,Who made a remarkable curtsey;She twirled round and round,Till she sank underground,Which distressed all the people of Chertsey.There was an old woman of Anerley,Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly.She rushed down the Strand,With a pig in each hand,But returning in the evening to Anerley.There was an old lady of Welling,Whose praise all the world was a-telling;She played on the harp,And caught several carp,That accomplished old lady of Welling.There was an old lady of Turkey,Who wept when the weather was murky;When the day turned out fine,She ceased to repine,That capricious old lady of Turkey.Old Woman in Flying Basket.Old Woman who went up in a BasketThere was an old woman went up in a basket,Ninety-nine times as high as the moon;What she did there I could not but ask it,For in her hand she carried a broom."Old woman, old woman, old woman," quoth I,"O whither, O whither, O whither, so high?""To sweep the cobwebs off the sky,—And I shall be back again by and by!"—There was an old woman of Prague,Whose ideas were horribly vague,She built a balloon,To examine the moon,That deluded old woman of Prague.There was an old woman of Hull,Who was chased by a virulent bull;But she seized on a spade,And called out "Who's afraid?"Which distracted that virulent bull.There was an old lady of Poole,Whose soup was excessively cool;So she put it to boil,By the aid of some oil,That ingenious old lady of Poole.There was an old lady of Burton,Whose answers were rather uncertain;When they said "How d'ye do?"She replied "Who are you?"That distressing old person of Burton.There was an old lady of Lucca,Whose lovers completely forsook her;She ran up a tree,And said "Fiddle-de-dee!"Which embarrassed the people of Lucca.There was an old woman of Norwich,Who lived on nothing but porridge;Parading the town,She turned cloak into gown,That thrifty old woman of Norwich.There was an old woman of Leeds,Who spent all her time in good deeds;She worked for the poor,Till her fingers were sore,That pious old woman of Leeds.There was an old woman in Surrey,Who was morn, noon, and night in a hurry;Called her husband a fool,Drove the children to school,That worrying old woman in Surrey.There was an old lady whose bonnetCame untied when the birds sat upon it;But she said "I don't care!All the birds in the airAre welcome to sit on my bonnet!"There was an old lady whose noseWas so long that it reached to her toes;So she hired an old lady,Whose conduct was steady,To carry that wonderful nose.There was an old lady whose chinResembled the point of a pin;So she had it made sharp,And purchased a harp,On which to play tunes with her chin.There was an old lady whose eyes,Were unique as to colour and size;When she opened them wide,People all turned aside,And started away in surprise.There was a young lady of Hexham,Contradicted her friends just to vex 'em;She talked about horses,And rode on racecourses,This forward young lady of Hexham.Previous-Index-NextPage 109—Strange History of Twenty-Six Funny WomenStrange History of Twenty-Six Funny WomenAngelina Armstrong Abruptly Asked an Advertising Agent About an Alliterating Advertisement Appearing, Announcing An Astonishing, Admirable, Attractive, Agreeable, Artistic, And Advanced Australian Arcade.MeaningCole's Book Arcade.Bridget Bradshaw Bamboozled the Barber's Beautiful Baby By Bouncing it into Believing a Bandbox to Be a Big Book.FromCole's Book Arcade.Clarissa Cox Cautiously Crept & Caught with a Candle extinguisher a Congregation of Catterwauling Cats Conducting a Confounded Corroboree.On the roof ofCole's Book Arcade.Dorothy Dwight in the Dark Drew a Decidedly Delightful Drawing, Depicting a Dictating, Domineering Despot; a Desperate Despoiling Demogogue; a Disdainful Duchess Dowager; a Dainty, Dressy Dandy, and a Downright Double-Dealing Dodger.Which drawing can be inspected atCole's Book Arcadeby anyone who can see clearly in the Dark.Eudocia Emul, the Eccentric Epicurian Empress of Ethiopia, Electrified the East End of Egypt by Eagerly and Easily Eating, as an Experiment, an Egg, an Eagle, an Emu, and Electrical Eel, and an Enormous Elephant, larger than the one Exhibited next toCole's Book Arcade.Fanny Fagan's Fine, Flossy, Fashionable Feathers Frequently Flopped, Flirted, and Flounced Forcibly From Fun.When she read some of the lively books fromCole's Book Arcade.Georgina Gubbins Gently, Gracefully, Gravely, Grammatically, Graphically, and Grandiloquently Grumbled at her Great-Grandmother.Because she so seldom went toCole's Book Arcade.Harriet Hopkins Had an Habitual, Haughty, Harsh, Hasty, Huffy, Hateful, Hideous, Horrid, Headstrong, Heedless, Hysterical, Habit of Henpecking Her Husband at Home.When he would not take her toCole's Book Arcade, to get a book on Saturday night.Isabella Ingram Ironically Inquired of the Illustrious Imperial Indian If Idleness, Ignorance, Impudence, Intemperance, Intolerance, Inhumanity, and Infamy.Were the seven cardinal virtues. She was referred for an answer to the Instructive books inCole's Book Arcade.Jemima Jenkins, the Jerusalem Jewess, Judiciously Jotted Jokes in her Journal in June on her Journey through Judea to Jericho, beyond Jordan.[N.B.—Jericho, beyond Jordan, is about 10,000 miles fromCole's Book Arcade.]Kate Kearney Kidnapped a Knave, a Knight, a Khan, a Kaiser and a King, and Kindly Kept them upon Ketchup, Kale, Kidneys, Kingfishes, Kittens and Kangaroos.She did not buy her cookery book atCole's Book Arcade: he doesn't sell books showing how to cook Kittens.Lucy Larkins Lately Let a Lovely, Lonely Lady Look Leisurely at a Large Live Lobster by the aid of a Lucid Little Lime-Light, Borrowed fromCole's Book Arcade.Mary Muggin's Mother Made a Mighty, Monstrous, Mammoth, Monument of Marmalade jars; Mounted up, and Minutely Minced the Moon into a Multitude of Magnificent stars.[N.B.—About 300 bushels of said stars fell on top ofCole's Book Arcadeand may be seen on application.]Old Woman Cutting the Moon into Stars.Nancy Nuttall was a Nonsensical, Noodlesome, Nincompoopish, Namby-pamby, Numskulled, Needle-woman; Nevertheless, at Ninety-Nine she Neatly and Nimbly Nabbed in the Nuptial Noose a Notable Noble Nabob of Nagpoor.And directly after the marriage Nagged him into sending for books toCole's Book Arcade.Olivia Oliphant, of Omeo, ordered an Obstinate Old Organ-grinding Ostrich to Overwhelm with Oil an Olive, an Onion, an Orange, an Onion, an Orange, an Ocean, and an Oat.And then go toCole's Book Arcadeand get a book.Papline Potts, a Poor, Penniless Peasant, Prettily, Pleasantly, Pathetically and Perfectly Played a Piece of music in a Parlour at a Pleasure-Palace to a Picked, Packed Party of Particular Personages, consisting of Peers, Peeresses, Princes and Princesses.The piece of music was bought Quarter-Price atCole's Book Arcade.Quintina Quirk Quarrelled with the Queer, Quaint, Quadroon Queen of Quito, and Quizzingly Questioned her Quivering, Quaking Quartermaster.If he was Quite sure he bought all his pens and pencils atCole's Book Arcade.Ruth Robertson's Rich Rival, Regardless of Right, Rhyme, or Reason, Recently Ran a Rapid, Rattling Race Round a Regiment of Royal Russian Red Republicans,Instead of Running intoCole's Book Arcade.Seraphina Susanna Selina Sally Snooks, a Sober, Serious, Staid, Seraphic, and Sentimental Sailoress, Solicited a Situation as Superior Saloon Stewardess on the Splendid Spanish SteamshipSalamanca, and Straightway Stipulated with the Sprightly Supercargo to Slyly and Suddenly Sail Southward at Sunrise for Six Shillingsworth of Select Stationery toCole's Book Arcade.Theresa Toodles Thatched a Trumpery Tipperary Theatre Three Thousand and Thirty-Three Times, and Then Took To Table-Turning and Table-Talking.But never Turned into nor Talked aboutCole's Book Arcadeuntil afterwards.Urania Upton was Uncouth, Ungraceful, Unfashionable, Unladylike, Uninteresting, Unpresentable, and Ugly. She was Unpoetical, Unmusical, Unlearned, Uncultured, Unimproved, Uninformed, Unknowing, Unthinking, Unwitty and Unwise. She was Unlively, Undersized, Unwholesome and Unhealthy. She was Unlovely, Ungentle, Uncivil, Unsociable, Untameable, and altogether Unendurable. She was Unkind, Unfeeling, Unloving, Unthankful, Ungrateful, Unwilling, Unruly, Unreasonable, Unwomanly, Unworthy, Unmotherly, Undutious, Unmerciful, Untruthful, Unfair, Unjust and Unprincipled. She was Unpunctual, Unthrifty, Unskilful, Unready, Unsafe, Unfit, and totally Unprofitable. She was Unknown, Unnoticed, Unheeded, Unobeyed, Unloved, Unfriended, Unemployed, Unvalued, Unpopular, and actually Unpitied. She was Unsuccessful, Unfortunate, Unlucky, Unpaid, Unshod, Unfed, Unquiet, Unsettled, Uncertain, Undecided, Unhinged, Uneasy, Upset, Unhappy, and Utterly Useless.Until, by chance, she went toCole's Book Arcade, and got some good instructive books, and now she is the very best person in Australia, and the best but two in the world.Victoria Vincent Valiantly Vaccinated a Vapouring, Verbose Varmit of a Vulgar Villainous Vagabond, who Very Verdantly Ventured on a Versatile, Veteran, Valueless Velocipede to Visit the Viceroy of Venice, instead of VisitingCole's Book Arcade.Wilhelmina Wilkins Was a Worthy, Witty, Widow Washerwoman, Who Washed Woollen Waistcoats, Worsted Waistbands, and Water-proof Wrappers With a Washing-Machine, and lived Well upon Water-gruel; Whereupon William Watson, a Wide-awake Widowed Waterman, Wisely Walked With her—Whispered, Winked, Wooed, Won, Wedded, and Wafted her across the Wide Waste of Water Waves, and got her a Weird Waltz.Quarter-Price atCole's Book Arcade.Xantippe Xman, the eXiled eXqueen of the eXquimaux, eXceedingly eXcelled in eXerting an eXquisite eXactness in eXpense in general; but eXhibited the most eXceptional, eXtensive, eXtraordinary, eXcessive, eXtravagant, but eXcusable eXuberance.When she visitedCole's Book Arcade, to buy books.Yellena Yellat, the Yellow Yahoo of Yokohama, Yawned Yesterday at Yon Yelping Yokel of the Yankee Yeomanry.And told him that he, being ignorant, should go at once and get educated atCole's Book Arcade.Zenobian Zoziman, the Zouave Zemindaress of Zululand, was no Zany, but rode on a Zanzibar Zebra, resided in a Zing-Zag Zenana, Zealously studied Zanyism, Zealotism, Zoology, Zoonomy, Zoophytology, Zoolatry, Zymology, ZincographyAnd many other 'isms, 'ologies, 'olatries, 'ographies, etc., out of the works she bought atCole's Book Arcade.Previous-Index-NextPage 110—Forty Ways Of TravellingA Wonderful Search Journey by the 40 principal modes of travellingin The World, and a Prize of £1000 offered for a Flying Machine.I have always been a man of one idea at a time, and that one idea I have followed with unwavering determination until success has rewarded my efforts. Now listen to my story:—A short time ago, much desiring to obtain a particular article, I determined to get it if it was possible to do so in this world, and so started on my search journey. I ran into Melbourne and askedRunning.His Excellency the GOVERNOR of Victoria if he knew where I could get it, he said he did not but I might ask the RAJAH of Sarawak. I took ship to Sarawak, asked the Rajah, he said he did not know, but referred me to the MIKADO of Japan. I jumped into a boat, pulledRowing.to Jedo, asked His Dual Majesty, Lord Paramount of Japan, and head of the Sintoo Faith, he said he did not know, but perhaps the TYCOON of Japan did. I got into a jimriksha and was trottedIn cart pulled by native.away to the house of the unfortunate Tycoon, he said he could not help me, but referred me to the GREAT CHAM of Tartary. I jumped into a Chinese junk,Chinese Sail-Boat.bore away to Pekin and saw the Great Cham of the Celestials, "Son of Heaven," "Brother to the Sun, Moon and Stars," "Father of Mankind," "Governor of the World" and head of the Confucian Faith. He condescendingly said he did not know, but maybe the TIANG of Nankin could inform me; I took a sailing wheelbarrow to the Centre of Wise Learning, saw the headIn Wheelbarrow with Sail and Pushed by Native.of the Taoist Faith, he could not tell me where to get it but perhaps the GRAND LAMA of Thibet could, I jumped on the back of a Yak, rode to Lassa,Riding a Yak.interviewed the head of the Buddhist Faith he said he wanted one himself, but did not know where to get it, go, says he, to the CZAR of Russia, present my compliments and ask him for one for yourself and one for me. I took passage in a reindeer sleigh to St.Reindeer Sleigh.Petersburg, saw the CZAR, he referred me to his brother monarch the KEIZAR of Austria. I jumped on a horse, galloped away to Vienna, saw the Keizar,Riding Horse.he did not know, but I could try the QUEEN of England, I jumped into an electric train, made for the metropolisRiding Small Train.of the world, saw Her Royal, Imperial, and Republican Majesty the "Queen of England," "Empress of India," Sovereign of Canada, Australia, and forty other countries, the most powerful and beloved ruler of the finest race of men, and the largest, mightiest, and grandest Empire the world ever saw. I now said to myself I surely shall get the article I want from the vast resources of Her Majesty, but in answer to my query she politely remarked that she did not think I should get in her dominions, but was almost certain that I could get it from the CHIEF of the Greenland Esquimeaux, I rose up inIn a Balloon.a balloon, flew through the air across the Atlantic, saw the Chief, he could not say, but referred me to the VICEROY of the Dominion, I jumped on the back of a reindeer, trotted away to Ottawa, sawRiding a Reindeer.

A Lesson in Drawing.A Lesson in DrawingI.Take a pencil, black or red.Draw a little loaf of breadOn a piece of paper white—Make the bread extremely light.II.Then, before your work you stop,Draw a little loop on top,And a satchel will be foundSuch as ladies carry round.III.Then you may, my pretty dears,Add a pair of little ears;And, if Art is not in fault,There's a bag of extra salt.IV.Pause, and in rapture fine,Contemplate the great design—Add a flowing tail, and thatMakes a perfect pussy cat.

A Lesson in Drawing

II.

III.

IV.

Wounded.

Drawing Lesson on the Slate: Birds.

Drawing Lesson on the slate: Rooster and Household items.

Drawing Lesson on the Slate: People.

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Old Man and His WifeThere was an old man who lived in a wood,As you may plainly see,He said he could do as much work in a dayAs his wife could do in three."With all my heart," the old woman said,"If that you will allow;To-morrow you'll stay at home in my stead,And I'll go drive the plough."But you must milk the Tidy cow,For fear she may go dry.And you must feed the little pigsThat are within the sty;"And you must mind the speckled hen,For fear she lay away;And you must reel the spool of yarnThat I spun yesterday."The old woman took a whip in her hand,And went to drive the plough;The old man took a pail in his hand,And went to milk the cow.But Tidy hinched and Tidy flinched,And Tidy broke his nose,And Tidy gave him such a blowThat the blood ran down to his toes."Hi! Tidy! Ho! Tidy! Hi!Tidy! do stand still!If ever I milk you, Tidy, again,'Twill be sore against my will."He went to feed the little pigs,That were within the sty;He hit his head against the beamAnd he made the blood to fly.He went to mind the speckled hen,For fear she'd lay away;And he forgot the spool of yarnHis wife spun yesterday.So he swore by the sun, the moon, the stars,And the green leaves on the tree,If his wife didn't do a day's work in her life,She should never be ruled by he.John Ball Shot Them AllJohn Ball shot them all.John Scott made the shot,But John Ball shot them all.John Wyming made the priming,And John Brammer made the rammer,And John Scott made the shot,But John Ball shot them all.John Block made the stock,And John Wyming made the priming,And John Brammer made the rammer,And John Scott made the shot,But John Ball shot them all.John Crowder made the powder,And John Block made the stock,And John Wyming made the priming,And John Brammer made the rammer,And John Scott made the shot,But John Ball shot them all.John Puzzle made the muzzle,And John Crowder made the powder,And John Block made the stock,And John Wyming made the priming,And John Brammer made the rammer,And John Scott made the shot,But John Ball shot them all.John Clint made the flint,And John Puzzle made the muzzle,And John Crowder made the powder,And John Block made the stock,And John Wyming made the priming,And John Brammer made the rammer,And John Scott made the shot,But John Ball shot them all.John Patch made the match,John Clint made the flint,John Puzzle made the muzzle,John Crowder made the powder,John Block made the stock,John Wyming made the priming,John Brammer made the rammer,John Scott made the shot,But John Ball shot them all.The Funny Old ManThere was an old man, and though 'tis not common,Yet if he said true, his mother was a woman;And though it's incredible, yet I've been toldHe was a mere infant, but age made him old.Whene'er he was hungry he wanted some meat,And if he could get it, 'twas said he could eat;When thirsty he'd drink, if you gave him a pot,And his liquor most commonly ran down his throat.He seldom or never could see without light,And yet I've been told he could hear in the night.He has oft been awake in the daytime 'tis said,And has fall'n fast asleep as he lay in his bed.'Tis reported his tongue always moved when he talked,And he stirred both his arms and his legs when he walk'd,And his gait was so odd, had you seen him you'd burst,For one leg or t'other would always be first.His face was the saddest that ever was seen,For if 'twere not washed it was seldom quite clean;He showed most his teeth when he happened to grin,His mouth stood across 'twixt his nose and his chin.At last he fell sick, as old chronicles tell,And then, as folk said, he was not very well!And what is more strange, in so weak a condition,As he could not give fees, he could get no physician.What a pity he died; yet 'tis said that his deathWas occasioned at last by the want of his breath.But peace to his bones, which in ashes now moulder,Had he lived a day longer he'd been a day older.Piper and Cow.

Old Man and His Wife

There was an old man who lived in a wood,As you may plainly see,He said he could do as much work in a dayAs his wife could do in three.

"With all my heart," the old woman said,"If that you will allow;To-morrow you'll stay at home in my stead,And I'll go drive the plough.

"But you must milk the Tidy cow,For fear she may go dry.And you must feed the little pigsThat are within the sty;

"And you must mind the speckled hen,For fear she lay away;And you must reel the spool of yarnThat I spun yesterday."

The old woman took a whip in her hand,And went to drive the plough;The old man took a pail in his hand,And went to milk the cow.

But Tidy hinched and Tidy flinched,And Tidy broke his nose,And Tidy gave him such a blowThat the blood ran down to his toes.

"Hi! Tidy! Ho! Tidy! Hi!Tidy! do stand still!If ever I milk you, Tidy, again,'Twill be sore against my will."

He went to feed the little pigs,That were within the sty;He hit his head against the beamAnd he made the blood to fly.

He went to mind the speckled hen,For fear she'd lay away;And he forgot the spool of yarnHis wife spun yesterday.

So he swore by the sun, the moon, the stars,And the green leaves on the tree,If his wife didn't do a day's work in her life,She should never be ruled by he.

John Ball Shot Them All

John Ball shot them all.John Scott made the shot,But John Ball shot them all.

John Wyming made the priming,And John Brammer made the rammer,And John Scott made the shot,But John Ball shot them all.

John Block made the stock,And John Wyming made the priming,And John Brammer made the rammer,And John Scott made the shot,But John Ball shot them all.

John Crowder made the powder,And John Block made the stock,And John Wyming made the priming,And John Brammer made the rammer,And John Scott made the shot,But John Ball shot them all.

John Puzzle made the muzzle,And John Crowder made the powder,And John Block made the stock,And John Wyming made the priming,And John Brammer made the rammer,And John Scott made the shot,But John Ball shot them all.

John Clint made the flint,And John Puzzle made the muzzle,And John Crowder made the powder,And John Block made the stock,And John Wyming made the priming,And John Brammer made the rammer,And John Scott made the shot,But John Ball shot them all.

John Patch made the match,John Clint made the flint,John Puzzle made the muzzle,John Crowder made the powder,John Block made the stock,John Wyming made the priming,John Brammer made the rammer,John Scott made the shot,But John Ball shot them all.

The Funny Old Man

There was an old man, and though 'tis not common,Yet if he said true, his mother was a woman;And though it's incredible, yet I've been toldHe was a mere infant, but age made him old.Whene'er he was hungry he wanted some meat,And if he could get it, 'twas said he could eat;When thirsty he'd drink, if you gave him a pot,And his liquor most commonly ran down his throat.He seldom or never could see without light,And yet I've been told he could hear in the night.He has oft been awake in the daytime 'tis said,And has fall'n fast asleep as he lay in his bed.'Tis reported his tongue always moved when he talked,And he stirred both his arms and his legs when he walk'd,And his gait was so odd, had you seen him you'd burst,For one leg or t'other would always be first.His face was the saddest that ever was seen,For if 'twere not washed it was seldom quite clean;He showed most his teeth when he happened to grin,His mouth stood across 'twixt his nose and his chin.At last he fell sick, as old chronicles tell,And then, as folk said, he was not very well!And what is more strange, in so weak a condition,As he could not give fees, he could get no physician.What a pity he died; yet 'tis said that his deathWas occasioned at last by the want of his breath.But peace to his bones, which in ashes now moulder,Had he lived a day longer he'd been a day older.

Piper and His CowThere was and old piper who had a cow,But he had no hay to give her,So he took his pipes and played her a tune"Consider, old cow, consider."Old John BrownPoor old John Brown is dead and gone,We ne'er shall see him more;He used to wear an old brown coat,All button'd down before.Three Wise MenThree wise men of Gotham,Went to sea in a bowl;If the bowl it had been stronger,My song would have been longer.Frightened Old ManThere was a man and he had nought,And robbers came to rob him;He crept up the chimney pot,And then they thought they had him;But he got down on t'other side,And so they could not find him;He ran fourteen miles in fifteen days,And never look'd behind him.A Man with a WifeI had a little wife, the prettiest ever seen,She washed up the dishes, and kept the house clean;She went to the mill to fetch me some flour,She brought it home in less than an hour;She baked me my bread, she brewed me my ale,She sat by the fire and told me many a fine tale.Crooked Old ManThere was a crooked man,And he went a crooked mile,He found a crooked sixpence,Against a crooked stile.He bought a crooked cat,Which caught a crooked mouse,And they all lived togetherIn a little crooked house.King ArthurWhen good King Arthur ruled this land,He was a goodly King;He stole three pecks of barley meal,To make a bag pudding.A bag pudding the King did make,And stuffed it well with plums;And in it put great lumps of fat,As big as my two thumbs.The King and Queen did eat thereof,And noblemen beside;And what they could not eat that nightThe Queen next morning fried.Barney BodkinBarney Bodkin broke his nose,Without feet we can't have toes,Crazy folks are always mad,Want of money makes us sad.Funny ManA man of words and not of deeds,Is like a garden fill of weeds;And when the weeds begin to grow,It's like a garden full of snow;And when the snow begins to fall,It's like a bird upon the wall;And when the bird away does fly,It's like an eagle in the sky;And when the sky begins to roar,It's like a lion at the door;And when the door begins to crack,It's like a stick across your back;And when your back begins to smart,It's like a penknife in your heart;And when your heart begins to bleed,You're dead, and dead, and dead indeed.Strange ManThere was a man and he was mad,And he jumped into a pea-pod;The pea-pod was over-full,So he jumped into a roaring bull;The roaring bull was over-fat,So he jumped into a gentleman's hat;The gentleman's hat was over-fine,So he jumped into a bottle of wine;The bottle of wine was over-dear,So he jumped into a bottle of beer;The bottle of beer was over-thick,So he jumped into a club-stick;The club-stick was over-narrow,So he jumped into a wheel-barrow;The wheel-barrow began to crack,So he jumped into a hay-stack;The hay-stack began to blaze,So he did nothing but cough and sneeze.

Piper and His Cow

There was and old piper who had a cow,But he had no hay to give her,So he took his pipes and played her a tune"Consider, old cow, consider."

Old John Brown

Poor old John Brown is dead and gone,We ne'er shall see him more;He used to wear an old brown coat,All button'd down before.

Three Wise Men

Three wise men of Gotham,Went to sea in a bowl;If the bowl it had been stronger,My song would have been longer.

Frightened Old Man

There was a man and he had nought,And robbers came to rob him;He crept up the chimney pot,And then they thought they had him;But he got down on t'other side,And so they could not find him;He ran fourteen miles in fifteen days,And never look'd behind him.

A Man with a Wife

I had a little wife, the prettiest ever seen,She washed up the dishes, and kept the house clean;She went to the mill to fetch me some flour,She brought it home in less than an hour;She baked me my bread, she brewed me my ale,She sat by the fire and told me many a fine tale.

Crooked Old Man

There was a crooked man,And he went a crooked mile,He found a crooked sixpence,Against a crooked stile.He bought a crooked cat,Which caught a crooked mouse,And they all lived togetherIn a little crooked house.

King Arthur

When good King Arthur ruled this land,He was a goodly King;He stole three pecks of barley meal,To make a bag pudding.A bag pudding the King did make,And stuffed it well with plums;And in it put great lumps of fat,As big as my two thumbs.The King and Queen did eat thereof,And noblemen beside;And what they could not eat that nightThe Queen next morning fried.

Barney Bodkin

Barney Bodkin broke his nose,Without feet we can't have toes,Crazy folks are always mad,Want of money makes us sad.

Funny Man

A man of words and not of deeds,Is like a garden fill of weeds;And when the weeds begin to grow,It's like a garden full of snow;And when the snow begins to fall,It's like a bird upon the wall;And when the bird away does fly,It's like an eagle in the sky;And when the sky begins to roar,It's like a lion at the door;And when the door begins to crack,It's like a stick across your back;And when your back begins to smart,It's like a penknife in your heart;And when your heart begins to bleed,You're dead, and dead, and dead indeed.

Strange Man

There was a man and he was mad,And he jumped into a pea-pod;The pea-pod was over-full,So he jumped into a roaring bull;The roaring bull was over-fat,So he jumped into a gentleman's hat;The gentleman's hat was over-fine,So he jumped into a bottle of wine;The bottle of wine was over-dear,So he jumped into a bottle of beer;The bottle of beer was over-thick,So he jumped into a club-stick;The club-stick was over-narrow,So he jumped into a wheel-barrow;The wheel-barrow began to crack,So he jumped into a hay-stack;The hay-stack began to blaze,So he did nothing but cough and sneeze.

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Jack SpratJack Sprat could eat no fat,His wife could eat no lean,And so between them bothThey licked the platter clean.Jack ate all the lean,Joan ate all the fat,The bone they both picked clean,Then gave it to the cat.When Jack Sprat was young,He dressed very smart,He courted Joan Cole,And soon gained her heart;In his fine leather doubletAnd old greasy hat,Oh! what a smart fellowWas little Jack Sprat.Joan Cole had a holeIn her petticoat,Jack Sprat, to get a patch,Gave her a groat.The groat bought a patchWhich stopped the hole,"I thank you, Jack Sprat,"Says little Joan Cole.Jack Sprat was the bridegroom,Joan Cole was the bride,Jack said from the churchHis Joan home should ride.But no coach could take her,The road was so narrow;Said Jack, "Then I'll take herHome in a wheelbarrow."Jack Sprat was wheelingHis wife by a ditch,Then the barrow turned over,And in she did pitch.Says Jack, "She'll be drown'd!"But Joan did reply,"I don't think I shall,For the ditch is quite dry."Jack brought home his Joan,And she sat in a chair,When in came his cat,That had got but one ear.Says Joan "I've come home, Puss,Pray how do you do?"The cat wagg'd her tailAnd said nothing but "mew."Jack Sprat took his gun,And went to the brook;He shot at the drake,But he killed the duck.He bought it home to Joan,Who a fire did make,To roast the fat duckWhile Jack went for the drake.The drake was swimmingWith his curly tail,Jack Sprat came to soot him,But happened to fail.He let off his gun,But missing the mark,The drake flew awayCrying "Quack, quack, quack."Jack Sprat to live prettyNow bought him a pig,It was not very little,It was not very big;It was not very lean,It was not very fat,"It will serve for a grunter,"Said little Jack Sprat.Then Joan went to marketTo buy her some fowls,She bought a jackdawAnd a couple of owls;The owls were white,The jackdaw was black,"They'll make a rare breed,"Says little Joan Sprat.Jack Sprat bought a cow,His Joan to please,For Joan could makeBoth butter and cheese;Or pancakes or puddingsWithout any fat;A notable housewifeWas little Joan Sprat.Joan Sprat went to brewingA barrel of ale,She put in some hopsThat it might not turn stale;But as for the malt—She forgot to put that;"This is a brave sober liquor."Said little Jack Sprat.Jack Sprat went to marketAnd bought him a mare,She was lame of three legs,An as blind as she could stare.Her ribs they were bare,For the mare had no fat;"She looks like a racer,"Said little Jack Sprat.Jack and Joan went abroad,Puss looked after the house;She caught a large rat,And a very small mouse,She caught a small mouse,And a very large rat,"You're an excellent hunter,"Said little Jack Sprat.Now I've told you the storyOf little Jack Sprat,Of sweet Joan ColeAnd the poor one-ear'd cat;Now Jack he loved Joan,And good things he taught her,Then she gave him a son,Then after a daughter.Now Jack has got rich,And has plenty of pelf;If you know any moreyou may tell it yourself.Monkey Grabbing Man's Nose.

Jack Sprat

Jack Sprat could eat no fat,His wife could eat no lean,And so between them bothThey licked the platter clean.Jack ate all the lean,Joan ate all the fat,The bone they both picked clean,Then gave it to the cat.

When Jack Sprat was young,He dressed very smart,He courted Joan Cole,And soon gained her heart;In his fine leather doubletAnd old greasy hat,Oh! what a smart fellowWas little Jack Sprat.

Joan Cole had a holeIn her petticoat,Jack Sprat, to get a patch,Gave her a groat.The groat bought a patchWhich stopped the hole,"I thank you, Jack Sprat,"Says little Joan Cole.

Jack Sprat was the bridegroom,Joan Cole was the bride,Jack said from the churchHis Joan home should ride.But no coach could take her,The road was so narrow;Said Jack, "Then I'll take herHome in a wheelbarrow."

Jack Sprat was wheelingHis wife by a ditch,Then the barrow turned over,And in she did pitch.Says Jack, "She'll be drown'd!"But Joan did reply,"I don't think I shall,For the ditch is quite dry."

Jack brought home his Joan,And she sat in a chair,When in came his cat,That had got but one ear.Says Joan "I've come home, Puss,Pray how do you do?"The cat wagg'd her tailAnd said nothing but "mew."

Jack Sprat took his gun,And went to the brook;He shot at the drake,But he killed the duck.He bought it home to Joan,Who a fire did make,To roast the fat duckWhile Jack went for the drake.

The drake was swimmingWith his curly tail,Jack Sprat came to soot him,But happened to fail.He let off his gun,But missing the mark,The drake flew awayCrying "Quack, quack, quack."

Jack Sprat to live prettyNow bought him a pig,It was not very little,It was not very big;It was not very lean,It was not very fat,"It will serve for a grunter,"Said little Jack Sprat.

Then Joan went to marketTo buy her some fowls,She bought a jackdawAnd a couple of owls;The owls were white,The jackdaw was black,"They'll make a rare breed,"Says little Joan Sprat.

Jack Sprat bought a cow,His Joan to please,For Joan could makeBoth butter and cheese;Or pancakes or puddingsWithout any fat;A notable housewifeWas little Joan Sprat.

Joan Sprat went to brewingA barrel of ale,She put in some hopsThat it might not turn stale;But as for the malt—She forgot to put that;"This is a brave sober liquor."Said little Jack Sprat.

Jack Sprat went to marketAnd bought him a mare,She was lame of three legs,An as blind as she could stare.Her ribs they were bare,For the mare had no fat;"She looks like a racer,"Said little Jack Sprat.

Jack and Joan went abroad,Puss looked after the house;She caught a large rat,And a very small mouse,She caught a small mouse,And a very large rat,"You're an excellent hunter,"Said little Jack Sprat.

Now I've told you the storyOf little Jack Sprat,Of sweet Joan ColeAnd the poor one-ear'd cat;Now Jack he loved Joan,And good things he taught her,Then she gave him a son,Then after a daughter.

Now Jack has got rich,And has plenty of pelf;If you know any moreyou may tell it yourself.

Cross Old ManThere was a cross old man and what do you think,He lived on nothing but victuals and drink;Victuals and drink were his principal diet,Yet this crabbed old man would never be quiet.He teased a poor monkey, who lived in a cage,Till the animal got in a terrible rage,And seized on his nose with finger so strong,That it stretched it until it was quite a yard long.Old Man in the MoonThe man in the moon came tumbling down,And asked his way to Norwich,He went by the south, and burnt his mouth,With supping cold pease-porridge.A Funny ManThere was a man of Newington,And he was wondrous wise,He jump'd into a quickset hedgeAnd scratch'd out both his eyes.But when he saw his eyes were outWith all his might and mainHe jump'd into another hedge.And scratched them in again.Dr. FaustusDoctor Faustus was a good man,He whipt his scholars now and then.When he did he made them danceOut of Scotland into France;Out of France into Spain,And then he whipped them back again.If! If! If!If all the would was apple pie,And all the seas were ink,And all the trees were bread and cheese,What would we have to drink?It's enough to make an old manScratch his head and think.Funny MenAlderman Absolute Always Adjudicated with Astonishing AbilityAfter he had read some books from Cole's Book Arcade.Benjamin Bouncer Banged a Brown Bear with a Blunderbuss,In a lane at the back of Cole's Book Arcade.Christopher Crabstick was Cross, Captious, Cutting, and Caustic,Whenever he could not get a book brought from Cole's Book Arcade.Francis Fizgig Ferociously Fought and Frightened a Fiddler,At midday, right in front of Cole's Book Arcade.Gregory Gimcrack Grinned and Gaped at the Geese and GandersExposed for sale in the Eastern Market, just above Cole's Book Arcade.Horatio Headstrong Hurled a Hatchet at the Head of a HawkWhich sat on top of Cole's Book Arcade.Isaac Ichabod Inhabited an Isolated and Inhospitable Indian Island,At an enormous and disheartening distance from Cole's Book Arcade.Lugubrious Longface Loved Learning and Literary Lore,Which he always got out of the books he bought at Cole's Book Arcade.Marmaduke Meddlesome Munificently Meted out Mercy to a Miserable ManWho stole a book at Cole's Book Arcade.Obadiah Orpheus Opened an Original Overture Outrageously Oddly,With a small whistle and a big drum, in front of Cole's Book Arcade.Quinton Querulous Queerly Questioned a Quibbling and Querulous Quidnunc,And asked Quizzingly if he had ever seen the inside of Cole's Book Arcade.Reuben Ramble Ran a Ridiculous Rattling Race on a Railway,And beat the train in hasting to get a book at Cole's Book Arcade.Theodore Thunderbolt Told Terrible and Tremendous Tales of Travelling,Which were afterwards printed in books and sold at Cole's Book Arcade.Valentine Valiana Valorously Vanquished a Vapouring Villager,Who spoke ignorantly and slightingly of Cole's Book Arcade.Xenophon Xenocles eXhibited eXtraordinary and eXcessive eXcitabilityWhenever he was not calmed down by books from Cole's Book Arcade.Young Yokel, a Youthful Yorkshire Yeoman Yawned at York,For want of a few interesting and entertaining books from Cole's Book Arcade.Zachariah Zany Zealously studied ZoologyOut of the works which he bought at Cole's Book Arcade.

Cross Old Man

There was a cross old man and what do you think,He lived on nothing but victuals and drink;Victuals and drink were his principal diet,Yet this crabbed old man would never be quiet.

He teased a poor monkey, who lived in a cage,Till the animal got in a terrible rage,And seized on his nose with finger so strong,That it stretched it until it was quite a yard long.

Old Man in the Moon

The man in the moon came tumbling down,And asked his way to Norwich,He went by the south, and burnt his mouth,With supping cold pease-porridge.

A Funny Man

There was a man of Newington,And he was wondrous wise,He jump'd into a quickset hedgeAnd scratch'd out both his eyes.But when he saw his eyes were outWith all his might and mainHe jump'd into another hedge.And scratched them in again.

Dr. Faustus

Doctor Faustus was a good man,He whipt his scholars now and then.When he did he made them danceOut of Scotland into France;Out of France into Spain,And then he whipped them back again.

If! If! If!

If all the would was apple pie,And all the seas were ink,And all the trees were bread and cheese,What would we have to drink?It's enough to make an old manScratch his head and think.

Funny Men

Alderman Absolute Always Adjudicated with Astonishing AbilityAfter he had read some books from Cole's Book Arcade.

Benjamin Bouncer Banged a Brown Bear with a Blunderbuss,In a lane at the back of Cole's Book Arcade.

Christopher Crabstick was Cross, Captious, Cutting, and Caustic,Whenever he could not get a book brought from Cole's Book Arcade.

Francis Fizgig Ferociously Fought and Frightened a Fiddler,At midday, right in front of Cole's Book Arcade.

Gregory Gimcrack Grinned and Gaped at the Geese and GandersExposed for sale in the Eastern Market, just above Cole's Book Arcade.

Horatio Headstrong Hurled a Hatchet at the Head of a HawkWhich sat on top of Cole's Book Arcade.

Isaac Ichabod Inhabited an Isolated and Inhospitable Indian Island,At an enormous and disheartening distance from Cole's Book Arcade.

Lugubrious Longface Loved Learning and Literary Lore,Which he always got out of the books he bought at Cole's Book Arcade.

Marmaduke Meddlesome Munificently Meted out Mercy to a Miserable ManWho stole a book at Cole's Book Arcade.

Obadiah Orpheus Opened an Original Overture Outrageously Oddly,With a small whistle and a big drum, in front of Cole's Book Arcade.

Quinton Querulous Queerly Questioned a Quibbling and Querulous Quidnunc,And asked Quizzingly if he had ever seen the inside of Cole's Book Arcade.

Reuben Ramble Ran a Ridiculous Rattling Race on a Railway,And beat the train in hasting to get a book at Cole's Book Arcade.

Theodore Thunderbolt Told Terrible and Tremendous Tales of Travelling,Which were afterwards printed in books and sold at Cole's Book Arcade.

Valentine Valiana Valorously Vanquished a Vapouring Villager,Who spoke ignorantly and slightingly of Cole's Book Arcade.

Xenophon Xenocles eXhibited eXtraordinary and eXcessive eXcitabilityWhenever he was not calmed down by books from Cole's Book Arcade.

Young Yokel, a Youthful Yorkshire Yeoman Yawned at York,For want of a few interesting and entertaining books from Cole's Book Arcade.

Zachariah Zany Zealously studied ZoologyOut of the works which he bought at Cole's Book Arcade.

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Utter NonsenseThere was an Old Person of Prague,Who was suddenly seized with the plague,But they gave him some butter, which caused him to mutter,And cured that Old Person of Prague.There was an Old Man with a gong,Who bumped at it all the day long,But they called out, "Oh, law! you're a horrid old bore!"So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.There was an Old Man of the Isles,Whose face was pervaded with smiles,He sang "Hi dum diddle," played on the fiddle,That amiable Old Man of the Isles.There was an Old Person of Dover,Who rushed through a field of blue clover;But some very large Bees stung his nose and his knees,So he very soon went back to Dover.There was an Old Man of Quebec,—A beetle ran over his neck:But he cried, "With a needle I'll slay you, O beetle!"That angry Old Man of Quebec.There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,Who studied the works of Vitruvius;When the flames burned his book, to drinking he took,That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.There was an Old Person of Buda,Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder,Till at last with a hammer they silenced his clamour,By smashing that Old Person of Buda.There was an Old Man of Marseilles,Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils,They caught several fish which they put in a dish,And sent to their Pa at Marseilles.There was an Old Man of Coblenz,The length of whose legs was immense,He went with one prance from Turkey to France,That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.There was an Old Person of Gretna,Who rushed down the crater of Etna;When they said, "Is it hot?" he replied, "No, it's not!"That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.There was an Old Person of Bangor,Whose face was distorted with anger;He tore off his boots and subsisted on roots,That borascible Person of Bangor.There was an Old Person of Spain,Who hated all trouble and pain;So he sat on a chair, with his feet in the air,That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.There was an Old Man of the West,Who never could get any rest;So they set him to spin on his nose and his chin,Which cured that Old Man of the West.There was an Old Man in a tree,Who was horribly bored by a bee;When they said, "Does it buzz?" he replied, "Yes it does!It's a regular brute of a bee!"There was an Old Man who said, "How,Shall I flee from this horrible Cow?I will sit on this stile and continue to smile,Which may soften the heart of this Cow."There was an Old Man of Calcutta,Who perpetually ate bread and butter,Till a great bit of muffin, on which he was stuffing,Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.There was an Old Man of the South,Who had an immoderate mouth;But in swallowing a dish that was quite full of fish,He was choked, that Old Man of the South.There was an Old Person of Dutton,Whose head was as small as a button;So to make it look big, he purchased a wig,And rapidly rushed about Dutton.There was an Old Man of some rocks,Who shut his wife up in a box;When she said, "Let me out," he exclaimed, "Without doubtYou will pass all your life in that box,"There was an Old Person of Rheims,Who was troubled with horrible dreams;So to keep him awake they fed him with cake,Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.There was an Old Man with a flute,A "sarpent" ran into his boot;But he played day and night, till the "sarpent" took flight,And avoided that Man with a flute.There was an Old Man of Berlin,Whose form was uncommonly thin;Till he once, by mistake, was mixed up in a cake,So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.There was an Old Man of the Hague,Whose ideas were excessively vague;He built a balloon to examine the moon,That deluded Old Man of the Hague.Old Man Sitting: Casting Jug-Shaped Shadow.

Utter Nonsense

There was an Old Person of Prague,Who was suddenly seized with the plague,But they gave him some butter, which caused him to mutter,And cured that Old Person of Prague.

There was an Old Man with a gong,Who bumped at it all the day long,But they called out, "Oh, law! you're a horrid old bore!"So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.

There was an Old Man of the Isles,Whose face was pervaded with smiles,He sang "Hi dum diddle," played on the fiddle,That amiable Old Man of the Isles.

There was an Old Person of Dover,Who rushed through a field of blue clover;But some very large Bees stung his nose and his knees,So he very soon went back to Dover.

There was an Old Man of Quebec,—A beetle ran over his neck:But he cried, "With a needle I'll slay you, O beetle!"That angry Old Man of Quebec.

There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,Who studied the works of Vitruvius;When the flames burned his book, to drinking he took,That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.

There was an Old Person of Buda,Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder,Till at last with a hammer they silenced his clamour,By smashing that Old Person of Buda.

There was an Old Man of Marseilles,Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils,They caught several fish which they put in a dish,And sent to their Pa at Marseilles.

There was an Old Man of Coblenz,The length of whose legs was immense,He went with one prance from Turkey to France,That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.

There was an Old Person of Gretna,Who rushed down the crater of Etna;When they said, "Is it hot?" he replied, "No, it's not!"That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.

There was an Old Person of Bangor,Whose face was distorted with anger;He tore off his boots and subsisted on roots,That borascible Person of Bangor.

There was an Old Person of Spain,Who hated all trouble and pain;So he sat on a chair, with his feet in the air,That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.

There was an Old Man of the West,Who never could get any rest;So they set him to spin on his nose and his chin,Which cured that Old Man of the West.

There was an Old Man in a tree,Who was horribly bored by a bee;When they said, "Does it buzz?" he replied, "Yes it does!It's a regular brute of a bee!"

There was an Old Man who said, "How,Shall I flee from this horrible Cow?I will sit on this stile and continue to smile,Which may soften the heart of this Cow."

There was an Old Man of Calcutta,Who perpetually ate bread and butter,Till a great bit of muffin, on which he was stuffing,Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.

There was an Old Man of the South,Who had an immoderate mouth;But in swallowing a dish that was quite full of fish,He was choked, that Old Man of the South.

There was an Old Person of Dutton,Whose head was as small as a button;So to make it look big, he purchased a wig,And rapidly rushed about Dutton.

There was an Old Man of some rocks,Who shut his wife up in a box;When she said, "Let me out," he exclaimed, "Without doubtYou will pass all your life in that box,"

There was an Old Person of Rheims,Who was troubled with horrible dreams;So to keep him awake they fed him with cake,Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.

There was an Old Man with a flute,A "sarpent" ran into his boot;But he played day and night, till the "sarpent" took flight,And avoided that Man with a flute.

There was an Old Man of Berlin,Whose form was uncommonly thin;Till he once, by mistake, was mixed up in a cake,So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.

There was an Old Man of the Hague,Whose ideas were excessively vague;He built a balloon to examine the moon,That deluded Old Man of the Hague.

A horrid Old Gentleman from Monaghan,Sat down and refused to go on again,Till they gave him a crown for leaving the town,That wretched old humbug of Monaghan.There was an Old Man if Nepaul,From his horse had a terrible fall;But, though split quite in two, with some very strong glueThey mended that Man of Nepaul.There was an Old Man of Aoster,Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;But they said, "Don't you see she has rushed up a tree?You invidious Old Man of Aosta!"There was an Old Man of the Nile,Who sharpened his nails with a file,Till he cuts of his thumbs, and said calmly, "This comesOf sharpening one's nails with a file!"There was an Old Person of Rhodes,Who strongly objected to toads;He paid several cousins to catch them by dozens,That futile Old Person of Rhodes.There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,Who wished he had never been born;So he sat on a chair until he died of despair,That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.There was an Old Person whose habitsInduced him to feed upon rabbits;When he'd eaten eighteen, he turned perfectly green,Upon which he relinquished those habits.There was an Old Man with a nose,Who said, "If you choose to supposeThat my nose is too long, you are certainly wrong!"That remarkable Man with a nose.There was an Old Man of Apulia,Whose conduct was very peculiar;He fed twenty sons upon nothing but buns,That whimsical Man of Apulia.There was an Old Man of Madras,Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;But the length of its ears so promoted his fearsThat it killed that Old Man of Madras.There was an Old Person of Sparta,Whose had twenty-five sons and one daughter;He fed them snails, and weighed them on scales,That wonderful Person of Sparta.There was an Old Person of Chilli,Whose conduct was painful and silly;He sat on the stairs, eating apples and pears,That imprudent Old Person of Chilli.There was an Old Man of the East,Who gave all his children a feast;But they all ate so much, and their conduct was suchThat it killed that Old Man of the East.There was an Old Man of Peru,Who never knew what he should do;So he tore off his hair, and behaved like a bear,That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.There was an Old Man in a boat,Who said, "I'm afloat! I'm afloat!"When they said, "No you a'int!" he was ready to faint,That unhappy Old Man in a boat.There was an Old Man of Bohemia,Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,But one day, to his grief, she married a thief,Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.There was an Old Person of Basing,Whose presence of mind was amazing;He purchased a steed, which he rode at full speedAnd escaped from the people of Basing.There was an Old Man on a hill,Who seldom if ever stood still;He ran up and down in his Grandmother's gown,Which adorned that Old Man on a hill.There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,Who never had more than a penny,He spent all that money on onions and honey,That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.There was an Old Person of Perth,The stingiest fellow on earth;He fed—oh! 'twas cruel—on seaweed and gruel,This stingy Old Person of Perth.A dogmatic Old Fellow of Shoreham,Would snub his companions and bore 'em,By flat contradiction, which was an afflictionTo the friends of this party of Shoreham.There was an Old Person of Ischia,Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;He danced hornpipes and jigs, and ate thousands of figs,That lively Old Person of Ischia.There was an Old Person of Hurst,Who drank when he was not athirst;When they said, "You'll grow fatter!" he answered, "What matter?"That globular Person of Hurst.

There was an Old Man if Nepaul,From his horse had a terrible fall;But, though split quite in two, with some very strong glueThey mended that Man of Nepaul.

There was an Old Man of Aoster,Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;But they said, "Don't you see she has rushed up a tree?You invidious Old Man of Aosta!"

There was an Old Man of the Nile,Who sharpened his nails with a file,Till he cuts of his thumbs, and said calmly, "This comesOf sharpening one's nails with a file!"

There was an Old Person of Rhodes,Who strongly objected to toads;He paid several cousins to catch them by dozens,That futile Old Person of Rhodes.

There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,Who wished he had never been born;So he sat on a chair until he died of despair,That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.

There was an Old Person whose habitsInduced him to feed upon rabbits;When he'd eaten eighteen, he turned perfectly green,Upon which he relinquished those habits.

There was an Old Man with a nose,Who said, "If you choose to supposeThat my nose is too long, you are certainly wrong!"That remarkable Man with a nose.

There was an Old Man of Apulia,Whose conduct was very peculiar;He fed twenty sons upon nothing but buns,That whimsical Man of Apulia.

There was an Old Man of Madras,Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;But the length of its ears so promoted his fearsThat it killed that Old Man of Madras.

There was an Old Person of Sparta,Whose had twenty-five sons and one daughter;He fed them snails, and weighed them on scales,That wonderful Person of Sparta.

There was an Old Person of Chilli,Whose conduct was painful and silly;He sat on the stairs, eating apples and pears,That imprudent Old Person of Chilli.

There was an Old Man of the East,Who gave all his children a feast;But they all ate so much, and their conduct was suchThat it killed that Old Man of the East.

There was an Old Man of Peru,Who never knew what he should do;So he tore off his hair, and behaved like a bear,That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.

There was an Old Man in a boat,Who said, "I'm afloat! I'm afloat!"When they said, "No you a'int!" he was ready to faint,That unhappy Old Man in a boat.

There was an Old Man of Bohemia,Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,But one day, to his grief, she married a thief,Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.

There was an Old Person of Basing,Whose presence of mind was amazing;He purchased a steed, which he rode at full speedAnd escaped from the people of Basing.

There was an Old Man on a hill,Who seldom if ever stood still;He ran up and down in his Grandmother's gown,Which adorned that Old Man on a hill.

There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,Who never had more than a penny,He spent all that money on onions and honey,That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.

There was an Old Person of Perth,The stingiest fellow on earth;He fed—oh! 'twas cruel—on seaweed and gruel,This stingy Old Person of Perth.

A dogmatic Old Fellow of Shoreham,Would snub his companions and bore 'em,By flat contradiction, which was an afflictionTo the friends of this party of Shoreham.

There was an Old Person of Ischia,Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;He danced hornpipes and jigs, and ate thousands of figs,That lively Old Person of Ischia.

There was an Old Person of Hurst,Who drank when he was not athirst;When they said, "You'll grow fatter!" he answered, "What matter?"That globular Person of Hurst.

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The Diverting History Of John GilpinJohn Gilpin was a citizenOf credit and renown,A train-bound Captain eke was heOf famous London town.John Gilpin's spouse said to her dear,Though we have wedded been,These twice ten tedious years, yet weNo holiday have seen.To-morrow is our wedding-day,And we then will repairUnto the "Bell" at Edmonton,All in a chaise and pair,My sister and my sister's child,Myself and children three,Will fill the chaise, so you must rideOn horse-back after we.He soon replied—I do admireOf womankind but one,And you are she, my dearest dear,Therefore it shall be done,I am a linen-draper bold,As all the world doth know,And my good friend the Calender,Will lend his horse to go.Quoth Mrs Gilpin—That's well said;And for that wind is dear,We will be furnished with our own,Which is both bright and clear;John Gilpin kiss'd his loving wife,O'erjoyed was he to findThat, though on pleasure she was bent,She had a frugal mind.The morning came, the chaise was brought,And yet was not allow'dTo drive up to the door, lest allShould say that she was proud;So three doors off the post was stayed,Where they did all get in,Six precious souls, and all agogTo dash through thick and thin.Smack went the whip, round went the wheels,Were never folks so glad,The stones did rattle underneathAs if Cheapside were mad;John Gilpin at his horse's sideSeized fast the flowing mane,And up he got in haste to ride,But soon came down again.For saddle-tree scarce reached had he,His journey to begin,When turning round his head, he sawThree customers come in;So down he came—for loss of time,Although it grieved him sore,Yet loss of pence, full well he knew,Would trouble him much more.'Twas long before the customersWere suited to their mind,When Betty, screaming, came down the stairs,"The wine is left behind."Good lack! quoth he, yet bring it me,My leathern belt likewise,In which I bear my trusty swordWhen I do exercise.Now, Mistress Gilpin, careful soul,Had two stone bottles found,To hold the liquor that she loved,And keep it safe and sound,Each bottle had a curling ear,Through which the belt he drew,And hung a bottle on each side,To make his balance true.Then over all, that he might beEquipp'd from top to toe,His long red cloak, well brush'd and neat,He manfully did throw,Now see him mounted once againUpon his nimble steed,Full slowly pacing o'er the stonesWith caution and good heed.But, finding soon a smoother roadBeneath his well-shod feet,The snorting beast began to trot,Which gall'd him in his seat,So, "Fair and softly," John, he cried,But John, he cried in vain;That trot became a gallop soon,In spite of curb and rein.So, stooping down, as needs he must,Who cannot sit upright,He grasp'd the mane with both his hands,And eke with all his might,His horse, who never in that sort,Had handled been before,What thing upon his back had gotDid wonder more and more.Away went Gilpin, neck or nought,Away went hat and wig,He little dreamt when he set outOf running such a rig;The wind did blow, the cloak did fly,Like streamer long and gay,Till, loop and button failing both,At last it flew away.Then might people well discernThe bottles he had slung,A bottle swinging at each side,As had been said or sung,The dogs did bark, the children scream'd,Up flew the windows all,And ev'ry soul cried out, Well done!As loud as he could bawl.Away went Gilpin—who but he,His fame soon spread around—He carries weight, he rides a race!'Tis for a thousand pound!And still as fast as he drew near,'Twas wonderful to viewHow in a trice the turnpike menTheir gates wide open flew.And now as he went bowing downHis reeking head full low,The bottles twain behind his backWere shatter'd at a blow;Down ran the wine into the road,Most piteous to be seen,Which made his horses flanks to smoke,As they had basted been.But still he seemed to carry weight,With leathern girdle braced,For all might see the bottle-necksStill dangling at his waist;Thus all through merry IslingtonThese gambols did he play,And till he came into the WashOf Edmonton so gay.And there he threw the wash aboutOn both sides of the way,Just like unto a trundling mop,Or a wild goose at play.At Edmonton his loving wifeFrom the balcony spiedHer tender husband, wond'ring muchTo see how he did ride.Stop, stop, John Gilpin!—Here's the house—They all at once did cry,The dinner waits, and we are tired—Said Gilpin—So am I;But yet this horse was not a whitInclined to tarry there—For why? His owner had a houseFull ten miles off, at Ware.So, like an arrow, swift he flew,Shot by an archer strong;So did he fly—which brings me toThe middle of my song.Away went Gilpin, out of breath,And sore against his will,Till at his friend the Calender'sHis horse at last stood still.The Calender, amazed to seeHis neighbour in such trim,Laid down his pipe, flew to the gate,And thus accosted him:—What news? what news? your tidings tell!Tell me you must and shall—Say why bare-headed you are come,Or why you come at all?Now, Gilpin had a pleasant wit,And loved a timely joke,And thus unto the Calender,In merry guise he spoke—I came because your horse would come,And if I well forbode,My hat and wig will soon be here,They are upon the road.The Calender, right glad to findHis friend in merry pin,Return'd him not a single word,But to the house went in.When straight he came with hat and wig—A wig that flow'd behind;A hat not much the worse of wear—Each comely in its kind.He held them up, and in its turnThus showed his ready wit—My head is twice as big as yours,They therefore needs must fit.But let me scrape the dirt awayThat hangs upon your face,And stop and eat, for well you mayBe in a hungry case.Said John, It is my wedding-day,And all the world would stare,If wife should dine at Edmonton,And I should dine at Ware.So, turning to his horse, he said—I am in haste to dine,'Twas for your pleasure you came here,You shall go back for mine.Ah, luckless speech, and bootless boast,For which he paid full dear;For while he spake, a braying assDid sing most loud and clear,Whereat his horse did snort as heHad heard a lion's roar,And gallop'd off with all his might,As he had done before.Away went Gilpin, and awayWent Gilpin's hat and wig;He lost them sooner than the first,For why? they were too big.Now, Mistress Gilpin when she sawHer husband posting downInto the country, far away,She pulled out half-a-crown.And thus unto the youth she saidThat drove them to the "Bell"—This shall be yours when you bring backMy husband safe and well;The youth did ride, and soon did meetJohn coming back again,Whom in a trice, he tried to stopBy catching at his rein.But, not performing what he meant,And gladly would have done,The frightened steed he frightened more,And made him faster run;Away went Gilpin, and awayWent post-boy at his heels—The post-boy's horse right glad to missThe lumbering of the wheels.Six gentlemen upon the road,Thus seeing Gilpin fly,With post-boy scamp'ring in the rear,They raised the hue and cry:—Stop thief! stop thief!—a highwayman!An all and each that pass'd the wayDid join in the pursuit.And now the turnpike gates againFlew open in short space—The toll-men thinking as before,That Gilpin rode a race;And so he did, and won it, too,For he got first to town:Nor stopp'd till, where he had got up,He did again get down,Now let us sing: Long live the king,And Gilpin, long live he;And when he next doth ride abroad,May I be there to see.

The Diverting History Of John Gilpin

John Gilpin was a citizenOf credit and renown,A train-bound Captain eke was heOf famous London town.John Gilpin's spouse said to her dear,Though we have wedded been,These twice ten tedious years, yet weNo holiday have seen.

To-morrow is our wedding-day,And we then will repairUnto the "Bell" at Edmonton,All in a chaise and pair,My sister and my sister's child,Myself and children three,Will fill the chaise, so you must rideOn horse-back after we.

He soon replied—I do admireOf womankind but one,And you are she, my dearest dear,Therefore it shall be done,I am a linen-draper bold,As all the world doth know,And my good friend the Calender,Will lend his horse to go.

Quoth Mrs Gilpin—That's well said;And for that wind is dear,We will be furnished with our own,Which is both bright and clear;John Gilpin kiss'd his loving wife,O'erjoyed was he to findThat, though on pleasure she was bent,She had a frugal mind.

The morning came, the chaise was brought,And yet was not allow'dTo drive up to the door, lest allShould say that she was proud;So three doors off the post was stayed,Where they did all get in,Six precious souls, and all agogTo dash through thick and thin.

Smack went the whip, round went the wheels,Were never folks so glad,The stones did rattle underneathAs if Cheapside were mad;John Gilpin at his horse's sideSeized fast the flowing mane,And up he got in haste to ride,But soon came down again.

For saddle-tree scarce reached had he,His journey to begin,When turning round his head, he sawThree customers come in;So down he came—for loss of time,Although it grieved him sore,Yet loss of pence, full well he knew,Would trouble him much more.

'Twas long before the customersWere suited to their mind,When Betty, screaming, came down the stairs,"The wine is left behind."Good lack! quoth he, yet bring it me,My leathern belt likewise,In which I bear my trusty swordWhen I do exercise.

Now, Mistress Gilpin, careful soul,Had two stone bottles found,To hold the liquor that she loved,And keep it safe and sound,Each bottle had a curling ear,Through which the belt he drew,And hung a bottle on each side,To make his balance true.

Then over all, that he might beEquipp'd from top to toe,His long red cloak, well brush'd and neat,He manfully did throw,Now see him mounted once againUpon his nimble steed,Full slowly pacing o'er the stonesWith caution and good heed.

But, finding soon a smoother roadBeneath his well-shod feet,The snorting beast began to trot,Which gall'd him in his seat,So, "Fair and softly," John, he cried,But John, he cried in vain;That trot became a gallop soon,In spite of curb and rein.

So, stooping down, as needs he must,Who cannot sit upright,He grasp'd the mane with both his hands,And eke with all his might,His horse, who never in that sort,Had handled been before,What thing upon his back had gotDid wonder more and more.

Away went Gilpin, neck or nought,Away went hat and wig,He little dreamt when he set outOf running such a rig;The wind did blow, the cloak did fly,Like streamer long and gay,Till, loop and button failing both,At last it flew away.

Then might people well discernThe bottles he had slung,A bottle swinging at each side,As had been said or sung,The dogs did bark, the children scream'd,Up flew the windows all,And ev'ry soul cried out, Well done!As loud as he could bawl.

Away went Gilpin—who but he,His fame soon spread around—He carries weight, he rides a race!'Tis for a thousand pound!And still as fast as he drew near,'Twas wonderful to viewHow in a trice the turnpike menTheir gates wide open flew.

And now as he went bowing downHis reeking head full low,The bottles twain behind his backWere shatter'd at a blow;Down ran the wine into the road,Most piteous to be seen,Which made his horses flanks to smoke,As they had basted been.

But still he seemed to carry weight,With leathern girdle braced,For all might see the bottle-necksStill dangling at his waist;Thus all through merry IslingtonThese gambols did he play,And till he came into the WashOf Edmonton so gay.

And there he threw the wash aboutOn both sides of the way,Just like unto a trundling mop,Or a wild goose at play.At Edmonton his loving wifeFrom the balcony spiedHer tender husband, wond'ring muchTo see how he did ride.

Stop, stop, John Gilpin!—Here's the house—They all at once did cry,The dinner waits, and we are tired—Said Gilpin—So am I;But yet this horse was not a whitInclined to tarry there—For why? His owner had a houseFull ten miles off, at Ware.

So, like an arrow, swift he flew,Shot by an archer strong;So did he fly—which brings me toThe middle of my song.Away went Gilpin, out of breath,And sore against his will,Till at his friend the Calender'sHis horse at last stood still.

The Calender, amazed to seeHis neighbour in such trim,Laid down his pipe, flew to the gate,And thus accosted him:—What news? what news? your tidings tell!Tell me you must and shall—Say why bare-headed you are come,Or why you come at all?

Now, Gilpin had a pleasant wit,And loved a timely joke,And thus unto the Calender,In merry guise he spoke—I came because your horse would come,And if I well forbode,My hat and wig will soon be here,They are upon the road.

The Calender, right glad to findHis friend in merry pin,Return'd him not a single word,But to the house went in.When straight he came with hat and wig—A wig that flow'd behind;A hat not much the worse of wear—Each comely in its kind.

He held them up, and in its turnThus showed his ready wit—My head is twice as big as yours,They therefore needs must fit.But let me scrape the dirt awayThat hangs upon your face,And stop and eat, for well you mayBe in a hungry case.

Said John, It is my wedding-day,And all the world would stare,If wife should dine at Edmonton,And I should dine at Ware.So, turning to his horse, he said—I am in haste to dine,'Twas for your pleasure you came here,You shall go back for mine.

Ah, luckless speech, and bootless boast,For which he paid full dear;For while he spake, a braying assDid sing most loud and clear,Whereat his horse did snort as heHad heard a lion's roar,And gallop'd off with all his might,As he had done before.

Away went Gilpin, and awayWent Gilpin's hat and wig;He lost them sooner than the first,For why? they were too big.Now, Mistress Gilpin when she sawHer husband posting downInto the country, far away,She pulled out half-a-crown.

And thus unto the youth she saidThat drove them to the "Bell"—This shall be yours when you bring backMy husband safe and well;The youth did ride, and soon did meetJohn coming back again,Whom in a trice, he tried to stopBy catching at his rein.

But, not performing what he meant,And gladly would have done,The frightened steed he frightened more,And made him faster run;Away went Gilpin, and awayWent post-boy at his heels—The post-boy's horse right glad to missThe lumbering of the wheels.

Six gentlemen upon the road,Thus seeing Gilpin fly,With post-boy scamp'ring in the rear,They raised the hue and cry:—Stop thief! stop thief!—a highwayman!An all and each that pass'd the wayDid join in the pursuit.

And now the turnpike gates againFlew open in short space—The toll-men thinking as before,That Gilpin rode a race;And so he did, and won it, too,For he got first to town:Nor stopp'd till, where he had got up,He did again get down,

Now let us sing: Long live the king,And Gilpin, long live he;And when he next doth ride abroad,May I be there to see.

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Song Of The Book Arcade: First Half.

Books teach the children of men in many million schools;Books make the difference between earth's learned and its fools.

Song Of The Book ArcadeCole's Book Arcade, Cole's Book ArcadeIt is in Melbourne town,Of all the book stores in the landIt has the most renown,It was the first, first Book ArcadeThat in the world was found;It's still the finest Book ArcadeIn all the world around.A lovely rainbow sign appearsAbove the Book ArcadeAnd 'tis the very grandest signWas ever yet displayed.Full forty thousand sorts of booksAre stored within its walls,Which can be seen, looked at or bought,By anyone that calls.The book you wish, the book you want,Is almost sure to beFound somewhere in the Book Arcade,If you will call and see.

Song Of The Book Arcade

Cole's Book Arcade, Cole's Book ArcadeIt is in Melbourne town,Of all the book stores in the landIt has the most renown,

It was the first, first Book ArcadeThat in the world was found;It's still the finest Book ArcadeIn all the world around.

A lovely rainbow sign appearsAbove the Book ArcadeAnd 'tis the very grandest signWas ever yet displayed.

Full forty thousand sorts of booksAre stored within its walls,Which can be seen, looked at or bought,By anyone that calls.

The book you wish, the book you want,Is almost sure to beFound somewhere in the Book Arcade,If you will call and see.

(Our Australian Choir has Cockatoos, Laughing Jackasses, Native Bears, Platypusses, Black Swans, Emus, Magpies, Opossums, and Lyre Birds, also a BUNYIP to sing deep bass, all the other Animals in the World sing the chorus, each in his natural voice. The tune is "MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB.")Value Of BooksBOOKS should be found in every houseTo form and feed the mind;They are the best of luxuries'Tis possible to find.For all the books in all the worldAre man's greatest treasure;They make him wish, and bring to himHis best, his choicest pleasure.BOOKS make his time pass happilyThrough many weary hours;Amuse, compose, instruct his mind,Enlarge his mental powers.BOOKS give to him the historyOf each and every land;BOOKS show him human action's past—The bad, the good, the grand.BOOKS show him arts, laws, learnings, faithsOf every time and place;BOOKS show him how each thing is madeUsed by the human race.

Value Of Books

BOOKS should be found in every houseTo form and feed the mind;They are the best of luxuries'Tis possible to find.

For all the books in all the worldAre man's greatest treasure;They make him wish, and bring to himHis best, his choicest pleasure.

BOOKS make his time pass happilyThrough many weary hours;Amuse, compose, instruct his mind,Enlarge his mental powers.

BOOKS give to him the historyOf each and every land;BOOKS show him human action's past—The bad, the good, the grand.

BOOKS show him arts, laws, learnings, faithsOf every time and place;BOOKS show him how each thing is madeUsed by the human race.

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Song Of The Book Arcade: Second Half.

BOOKS give to him descriptions ofThe world in which we live,Of the universe around us,And better still they give.BOOKS give to him the greatest thoughtsOf all the good and wise;BOOKS treasure human knowledge up,And so it never dies.BOOKS show him all that men have done,What they have thought and said;BOOKS show the deeds and wisdom ofThe living and the dead.BOOKS show him all the hopes and fearsOf every race and clan;BOOKS clearly prove beyond a doubtThe brotherhood of man.BOOKS give him hopes beyond the graveOf an immortal life;BOOKS teach that right and truth and loveShall banish every strife.BOOKS teach and please him when a childIn youth and in his prime;BOOKS give him soothing pleasure whenHis health and strength decline.BOOKS please him in his lonely hours,Wherever he may roam:BOOKS please when read aloud amongHis loving friends at home.BOOKS likestrong drinkwill drown his cares,But do not waste his wealth;BOOKS leave himbetter, drink theworse,In character and health.BOOKS therefore, are, of all man buys,The choicest thing on earth,BOOKS have, of all his household goods,The most intrinsic worth.BOOKS are the greatest blessing out,The grandest thing we sell,BOOKS bring more joy, BOOKS do more goodThan mortal tongue can tell.E. W. Cole

BOOKS give to him the greatest thoughtsOf all the good and wise;BOOKS treasure human knowledge up,And so it never dies.

BOOKS show him all that men have done,What they have thought and said;BOOKS show the deeds and wisdom ofThe living and the dead.

BOOKS show him all the hopes and fearsOf every race and clan;BOOKS clearly prove beyond a doubtThe brotherhood of man.

BOOKS give him hopes beyond the graveOf an immortal life;BOOKS teach that right and truth and loveShall banish every strife.

BOOKS teach and please him when a childIn youth and in his prime;BOOKS give him soothing pleasure whenHis health and strength decline.

BOOKS please him in his lonely hours,Wherever he may roam:BOOKS please when read aloud amongHis loving friends at home.

BOOKS likestrong drinkwill drown his cares,But do not waste his wealth;BOOKS leave himbetter, drink theworse,In character and health.

BOOKS therefore, are, of all man buys,The choicest thing on earth,BOOKS have, of all his household goods,The most intrinsic worth.

BOOKS are the greatest blessing out,The grandest thing we sell,BOOKS bring more joy, BOOKS do more goodThan mortal tongue can tell.

E. W. Cole

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Old Woman Who Lived in A Shoe.

The Old Woman Who Lived In A ShoeThere was an old woman who lived in a shoe,She had so many children—such naughty ones too!She cried, "Oh, dear me, I don't know what to do,Who would be an old woman and live in a shoe?"Once ninety little fellows sat down on the floorAnd lustily screamed, "We won't cry any more!""Then stop crying now," the old woman said,"The noise you are making goes right through my head.""Then she gave the boys broth without any bread,And whipped them all soundly and sent them to bed.She scolded the girls, and said, "Don't make a noise,Or you shall be served just the same as the boys."

The Old Woman Who Lived In A Shoe

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,She had so many children—such naughty ones too!She cried, "Oh, dear me, I don't know what to do,Who would be an old woman and live in a shoe?"

Once ninety little fellows sat down on the floorAnd lustily screamed, "We won't cry any more!""Then stop crying now," the old woman said,"The noise you are making goes right through my head."

"Then she gave the boys broth without any bread,And whipped them all soundly and sent them to bed.She scolded the girls, and said, "Don't make a noise,Or you shall be served just the same as the boys."

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Mother GooseOld Mother Goose, whenShe wanted to wander,Would ride through the airOn a very fine gander.Mother Goose had a house,'Twas built of wood,Where an owl at the doorFor sentinel stood.She had a son Jack,A plain-looking lad,He was not very good,Nor yet very bad.She sent him to market;A live goose he bought;Here, mother, says he,It will not go for nought.Jack's goose and her ganderThey grew very fond;They'd both eat together,Or swim in one pond.Jack found one morning,As I have been told,His goose had laid himAn egg of pure gold.Jack rode to his mother,The news for to tell,She call'd him a good boy,And said it was well.Hack sold his gold eggTo a rogue of a Jew,Who cheated him out ofThe half of his due.Then Jack went a-courtingA lady so gay,As fair as the lily,And sweet as the May.The Jew and the SquireCame behind his back,And began to belabourThe sides of poor Jack.Then old Mother GooseThat instant came in,And turned her son JackInto fam'd Harlequin.She then with her wandTouch'd the lady so fine,And turn'd her at onceInto sweet Columbine.The gold egg in the seaWas quickly thrown, whenJack gave a quick dive,And soon got it again.The Jew got the goose,Which he vow'd he would kill,Resolving at onceHis pockets to fill.Jack's mother came in,And caught the goose soon,And mounting its back,Flew up to the moon.Old Woman under a HillThere was an old woman lived under a hill,Put a mouse in a bag, and sent it to mill;The Miller declar'd by the point of his knife,He ne'er saw such a big mouse in his life.Old Woman under a HillThere was an old woman lived under a hill;And if she's not gone, she lives there still.Old Woman and Three SonsThere was an old woman had three sons;Jerry, and James, and John.Jerry was hung, James was drowned;John was lost, and never was found;And there was an end of the three sons,Jerry, and James, and John.Old Woman and Shell.

Mother Goose

Old Mother Goose, whenShe wanted to wander,Would ride through the airOn a very fine gander.

Mother Goose had a house,'Twas built of wood,Where an owl at the doorFor sentinel stood.

She had a son Jack,A plain-looking lad,He was not very good,Nor yet very bad.

She sent him to market;A live goose he bought;Here, mother, says he,It will not go for nought.

Jack's goose and her ganderThey grew very fond;They'd both eat together,Or swim in one pond.

Jack found one morning,As I have been told,His goose had laid himAn egg of pure gold.

Jack rode to his mother,The news for to tell,She call'd him a good boy,And said it was well.

Hack sold his gold eggTo a rogue of a Jew,Who cheated him out ofThe half of his due.

Then Jack went a-courtingA lady so gay,As fair as the lily,And sweet as the May.

The Jew and the SquireCame behind his back,And began to belabourThe sides of poor Jack.

Then old Mother GooseThat instant came in,And turned her son JackInto fam'd Harlequin.

She then with her wandTouch'd the lady so fine,And turn'd her at onceInto sweet Columbine.

The gold egg in the seaWas quickly thrown, whenJack gave a quick dive,And soon got it again.

The Jew got the goose,Which he vow'd he would kill,Resolving at onceHis pockets to fill.

Jack's mother came in,And caught the goose soon,And mounting its back,Flew up to the moon.

Old Woman under a Hill

There was an old woman lived under a hill,Put a mouse in a bag, and sent it to mill;The Miller declar'd by the point of his knife,He ne'er saw such a big mouse in his life.

Old Woman under a Hill

There was an old woman lived under a hill;And if she's not gone, she lives there still.

Old Woman and Three Sons

There was an old woman had three sons;Jerry, and James, and John.Jerry was hung, James was drowned;John was lost, and never was found;And there was an end of the three sons,Jerry, and James, and John.

Old Woman who Lived in a ShellA little old woman, as I've heard tell,Lived near the sea, in a nice little shell;She was well off, if she wanted her tea—She'd plenty of water from out of the sea.Then if for her dinner she had the least wish,Of course she had nothing to do but to fish;So, really, this little old woman did well,As she didn't pay any rent for the use of the shell.Old Woman SwallowedThere was an old woman called Nothing-at-all,Who rejoiced in a dwelling exceedingly small;A man stretched his mouth to its utmost extent,And down at one gulp house and old woman went.Old Woman's CalfThere was an old woman sat spinning,And that's the first beginning;She had a calf, and that's half;She took it by the tail,And threw it over the wall, and that's all.Old Woman DrownedThere was an old woman, her name it was Peg;Her head was of wood, and she wore a cork-leg.The neighbours all pitched her into the water,Her leg was drown'd first, and her head followed a'ter.Old Woman of StepneyAt Stepney there lived,As every one knows,An old woman who hadA plum tree on her nose!The boys, while she slept,Would cautiously takeThe plums from her treeBefore she could wake.This old woman wentOne day to the lawnOf my Lord Cockagee,And there saw a fawn.Having shot him, she tiedHis hind legs to her tree,And so quitted the lawnOf my Lord Cockagee.She'd nearly reached home,When the constable came,And put her in prisonFor killing the game.While locked in her cell,She thought again and againOf how to escape,But kept thinking in vain.She considered each plan,Till she found out a wayOf escaping the prisonIn the course of the day.She cut the plum treeclose off from her nose,And made a scarecrow,Dress'd up in her clothes;This she set on a stool,With it's back to the wall,And watch'd near the doorFor fear it would fall.Soon the jailor came inWith her water and bread;He stared at the figure,While from prison she fled.The old woman reached home,Singing diddle-dee-dee;And again on her noseThere grew a plum tree.

Old Woman who Lived in a Shell

A little old woman, as I've heard tell,Lived near the sea, in a nice little shell;She was well off, if she wanted her tea—She'd plenty of water from out of the sea.

Then if for her dinner she had the least wish,Of course she had nothing to do but to fish;So, really, this little old woman did well,As she didn't pay any rent for the use of the shell.

Old Woman Swallowed

There was an old woman called Nothing-at-all,Who rejoiced in a dwelling exceedingly small;A man stretched his mouth to its utmost extent,And down at one gulp house and old woman went.

Old Woman's Calf

There was an old woman sat spinning,And that's the first beginning;She had a calf, and that's half;She took it by the tail,And threw it over the wall, and that's all.

Old Woman Drowned

There was an old woman, her name it was Peg;Her head was of wood, and she wore a cork-leg.The neighbours all pitched her into the water,Her leg was drown'd first, and her head followed a'ter.

Old Woman of Stepney

At Stepney there lived,As every one knows,An old woman who hadA plum tree on her nose!

The boys, while she slept,Would cautiously takeThe plums from her treeBefore she could wake.

This old woman wentOne day to the lawnOf my Lord Cockagee,And there saw a fawn.

Having shot him, she tiedHis hind legs to her tree,And so quitted the lawnOf my Lord Cockagee.

She'd nearly reached home,When the constable came,And put her in prisonFor killing the game.

While locked in her cell,She thought again and againOf how to escape,But kept thinking in vain.

She considered each plan,Till she found out a wayOf escaping the prisonIn the course of the day.

She cut the plum treeclose off from her nose,And made a scarecrow,Dress'd up in her clothes;

This she set on a stool,With it's back to the wall,And watch'd near the doorFor fear it would fall.

Soon the jailor came inWith her water and bread;He stared at the figure,While from prison she fled.

The old woman reached home,Singing diddle-dee-dee;And again on her noseThere grew a plum tree.

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Funny Old WomenThere was an old person of Smyrna,Whose Granny once threatened to burn her;But she seized on the cat,And said "Granny, burn that!You incongruous old woman of Smyrna!"There was an old lady of Bute,Who played on a silver-gilt flute;She played several jigsTo her Uncle's white pigs,That amusing old lady of Bute.There was an old lady of Ryde,Whose shoe-strings were seldom untied,She purchased some clogs,And some small spotted dogs,And frequently walked about Ryde.There was an old lady of Parma,Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer,When they said "Are you dumb?"She merely said "Hum!"That provoking old lady of Parma.There was an old lady of Troy,Whom several large flies did annoy;Some she killed with a thump,Some she drowned at the pump,And some she took with her to Troy.There was an old person of Crete,Whose toilet was far from complete,She dressed in a sackSpickle-speckled with black,That ombliferous old person of Crete.There was an old lady of Wales,Who caught a large fish without scales;When she lifted her hook,She exclaimed "Only look!"That ecstatic old lady of Wales.There was an old lady of Clare,Who was sadly pursued by a bear;When she found she was tired,She abruptly expired,That unfortunate lady of Clare.There was an old lady of Dorking,Who bought a large bonnet for walking;But it's colour and size,So bedazzled her eyes,That she very soon went back to Dorking.There was an old lady of Russia,Who screamed so that no one could hush her;Her screams were extreme,No one heard such a scream,As was screamed by that lady of Russia.There was an old lady of Norway,Who casually sat in a doorway;When the door squeezed her flat,She exclaimed, "What of that?"That courageous old lady of Norway.There was an old lady of Chertsey,Who made a remarkable curtsey;She twirled round and round,Till she sank underground,Which distressed all the people of Chertsey.There was an old woman of Anerley,Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly.She rushed down the Strand,With a pig in each hand,But returning in the evening to Anerley.There was an old lady of Welling,Whose praise all the world was a-telling;She played on the harp,And caught several carp,That accomplished old lady of Welling.There was an old lady of Turkey,Who wept when the weather was murky;When the day turned out fine,She ceased to repine,That capricious old lady of Turkey.Old Woman in Flying Basket.

Funny Old Women

There was an old person of Smyrna,Whose Granny once threatened to burn her;But she seized on the cat,And said "Granny, burn that!You incongruous old woman of Smyrna!"

There was an old lady of Bute,Who played on a silver-gilt flute;She played several jigsTo her Uncle's white pigs,That amusing old lady of Bute.

There was an old lady of Ryde,Whose shoe-strings were seldom untied,She purchased some clogs,And some small spotted dogs,And frequently walked about Ryde.

There was an old lady of Parma,Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer,When they said "Are you dumb?"She merely said "Hum!"That provoking old lady of Parma.

There was an old lady of Troy,Whom several large flies did annoy;Some she killed with a thump,Some she drowned at the pump,And some she took with her to Troy.

There was an old person of Crete,Whose toilet was far from complete,She dressed in a sackSpickle-speckled with black,That ombliferous old person of Crete.

There was an old lady of Wales,Who caught a large fish without scales;When she lifted her hook,She exclaimed "Only look!"That ecstatic old lady of Wales.

There was an old lady of Clare,Who was sadly pursued by a bear;When she found she was tired,She abruptly expired,That unfortunate lady of Clare.

There was an old lady of Dorking,Who bought a large bonnet for walking;But it's colour and size,So bedazzled her eyes,That she very soon went back to Dorking.

There was an old lady of Russia,Who screamed so that no one could hush her;Her screams were extreme,No one heard such a scream,As was screamed by that lady of Russia.

There was an old lady of Norway,Who casually sat in a doorway;When the door squeezed her flat,She exclaimed, "What of that?"That courageous old lady of Norway.

There was an old lady of Chertsey,Who made a remarkable curtsey;She twirled round and round,Till she sank underground,Which distressed all the people of Chertsey.

There was an old woman of Anerley,Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly.She rushed down the Strand,With a pig in each hand,But returning in the evening to Anerley.

There was an old lady of Welling,Whose praise all the world was a-telling;She played on the harp,And caught several carp,That accomplished old lady of Welling.

There was an old lady of Turkey,Who wept when the weather was murky;When the day turned out fine,She ceased to repine,That capricious old lady of Turkey.

Old Woman who went up in a BasketThere was an old woman went up in a basket,Ninety-nine times as high as the moon;What she did there I could not but ask it,For in her hand she carried a broom."Old woman, old woman, old woman," quoth I,"O whither, O whither, O whither, so high?""To sweep the cobwebs off the sky,—And I shall be back again by and by!"—There was an old woman of Prague,Whose ideas were horribly vague,She built a balloon,To examine the moon,That deluded old woman of Prague.There was an old woman of Hull,Who was chased by a virulent bull;But she seized on a spade,And called out "Who's afraid?"Which distracted that virulent bull.There was an old lady of Poole,Whose soup was excessively cool;So she put it to boil,By the aid of some oil,That ingenious old lady of Poole.There was an old lady of Burton,Whose answers were rather uncertain;When they said "How d'ye do?"She replied "Who are you?"That distressing old person of Burton.There was an old lady of Lucca,Whose lovers completely forsook her;She ran up a tree,And said "Fiddle-de-dee!"Which embarrassed the people of Lucca.There was an old woman of Norwich,Who lived on nothing but porridge;Parading the town,She turned cloak into gown,That thrifty old woman of Norwich.There was an old woman of Leeds,Who spent all her time in good deeds;She worked for the poor,Till her fingers were sore,That pious old woman of Leeds.There was an old woman in Surrey,Who was morn, noon, and night in a hurry;Called her husband a fool,Drove the children to school,That worrying old woman in Surrey.There was an old lady whose bonnetCame untied when the birds sat upon it;But she said "I don't care!All the birds in the airAre welcome to sit on my bonnet!"There was an old lady whose noseWas so long that it reached to her toes;So she hired an old lady,Whose conduct was steady,To carry that wonderful nose.There was an old lady whose chinResembled the point of a pin;So she had it made sharp,And purchased a harp,On which to play tunes with her chin.There was an old lady whose eyes,Were unique as to colour and size;When she opened them wide,People all turned aside,And started away in surprise.There was a young lady of Hexham,Contradicted her friends just to vex 'em;She talked about horses,And rode on racecourses,This forward young lady of Hexham.

Old Woman who went up in a Basket

There was an old woman went up in a basket,Ninety-nine times as high as the moon;What she did there I could not but ask it,For in her hand she carried a broom.

"Old woman, old woman, old woman," quoth I,"O whither, O whither, O whither, so high?""To sweep the cobwebs off the sky,—And I shall be back again by and by!"

—

There was an old woman of Hull,Who was chased by a virulent bull;But she seized on a spade,And called out "Who's afraid?"Which distracted that virulent bull.

There was an old lady of Poole,Whose soup was excessively cool;So she put it to boil,By the aid of some oil,That ingenious old lady of Poole.

There was an old lady of Burton,Whose answers were rather uncertain;When they said "How d'ye do?"She replied "Who are you?"That distressing old person of Burton.

There was an old lady of Lucca,Whose lovers completely forsook her;She ran up a tree,And said "Fiddle-de-dee!"Which embarrassed the people of Lucca.

There was an old woman of Norwich,Who lived on nothing but porridge;Parading the town,She turned cloak into gown,That thrifty old woman of Norwich.

There was an old woman of Leeds,Who spent all her time in good deeds;She worked for the poor,Till her fingers were sore,That pious old woman of Leeds.

There was an old woman in Surrey,Who was morn, noon, and night in a hurry;Called her husband a fool,Drove the children to school,That worrying old woman in Surrey.

There was an old lady whose bonnetCame untied when the birds sat upon it;But she said "I don't care!All the birds in the airAre welcome to sit on my bonnet!"

There was an old lady whose noseWas so long that it reached to her toes;So she hired an old lady,Whose conduct was steady,To carry that wonderful nose.

There was an old lady whose chinResembled the point of a pin;So she had it made sharp,And purchased a harp,On which to play tunes with her chin.

There was an old lady whose eyes,Were unique as to colour and size;When she opened them wide,People all turned aside,And started away in surprise.

There was a young lady of Hexham,Contradicted her friends just to vex 'em;She talked about horses,And rode on racecourses,This forward young lady of Hexham.

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Strange History of Twenty-Six Funny WomenAngelina Armstrong Abruptly Asked an Advertising Agent About an Alliterating Advertisement Appearing, Announcing An Astonishing, Admirable, Attractive, Agreeable, Artistic, And Advanced Australian Arcade.MeaningCole's Book Arcade.Bridget Bradshaw Bamboozled the Barber's Beautiful Baby By Bouncing it into Believing a Bandbox to Be a Big Book.FromCole's Book Arcade.Clarissa Cox Cautiously Crept & Caught with a Candle extinguisher a Congregation of Catterwauling Cats Conducting a Confounded Corroboree.On the roof ofCole's Book Arcade.Dorothy Dwight in the Dark Drew a Decidedly Delightful Drawing, Depicting a Dictating, Domineering Despot; a Desperate Despoiling Demogogue; a Disdainful Duchess Dowager; a Dainty, Dressy Dandy, and a Downright Double-Dealing Dodger.Which drawing can be inspected atCole's Book Arcadeby anyone who can see clearly in the Dark.Eudocia Emul, the Eccentric Epicurian Empress of Ethiopia, Electrified the East End of Egypt by Eagerly and Easily Eating, as an Experiment, an Egg, an Eagle, an Emu, and Electrical Eel, and an Enormous Elephant, larger than the one Exhibited next toCole's Book Arcade.Fanny Fagan's Fine, Flossy, Fashionable Feathers Frequently Flopped, Flirted, and Flounced Forcibly From Fun.When she read some of the lively books fromCole's Book Arcade.Georgina Gubbins Gently, Gracefully, Gravely, Grammatically, Graphically, and Grandiloquently Grumbled at her Great-Grandmother.Because she so seldom went toCole's Book Arcade.Harriet Hopkins Had an Habitual, Haughty, Harsh, Hasty, Huffy, Hateful, Hideous, Horrid, Headstrong, Heedless, Hysterical, Habit of Henpecking Her Husband at Home.When he would not take her toCole's Book Arcade, to get a book on Saturday night.Isabella Ingram Ironically Inquired of the Illustrious Imperial Indian If Idleness, Ignorance, Impudence, Intemperance, Intolerance, Inhumanity, and Infamy.Were the seven cardinal virtues. She was referred for an answer to the Instructive books inCole's Book Arcade.Jemima Jenkins, the Jerusalem Jewess, Judiciously Jotted Jokes in her Journal in June on her Journey through Judea to Jericho, beyond Jordan.[N.B.—Jericho, beyond Jordan, is about 10,000 miles fromCole's Book Arcade.]Kate Kearney Kidnapped a Knave, a Knight, a Khan, a Kaiser and a King, and Kindly Kept them upon Ketchup, Kale, Kidneys, Kingfishes, Kittens and Kangaroos.She did not buy her cookery book atCole's Book Arcade: he doesn't sell books showing how to cook Kittens.Lucy Larkins Lately Let a Lovely, Lonely Lady Look Leisurely at a Large Live Lobster by the aid of a Lucid Little Lime-Light, Borrowed fromCole's Book Arcade.Mary Muggin's Mother Made a Mighty, Monstrous, Mammoth, Monument of Marmalade jars; Mounted up, and Minutely Minced the Moon into a Multitude of Magnificent stars.[N.B.—About 300 bushels of said stars fell on top ofCole's Book Arcadeand may be seen on application.]Old Woman Cutting the Moon into Stars.

Strange History of Twenty-Six Funny Women

Angelina Armstrong Abruptly Asked an Advertising Agent About an Alliterating Advertisement Appearing, Announcing An Astonishing, Admirable, Attractive, Agreeable, Artistic, And Advanced Australian Arcade.MeaningCole's Book Arcade.

Bridget Bradshaw Bamboozled the Barber's Beautiful Baby By Bouncing it into Believing a Bandbox to Be a Big Book.FromCole's Book Arcade.

Clarissa Cox Cautiously Crept & Caught with a Candle extinguisher a Congregation of Catterwauling Cats Conducting a Confounded Corroboree.On the roof ofCole's Book Arcade.

Dorothy Dwight in the Dark Drew a Decidedly Delightful Drawing, Depicting a Dictating, Domineering Despot; a Desperate Despoiling Demogogue; a Disdainful Duchess Dowager; a Dainty, Dressy Dandy, and a Downright Double-Dealing Dodger.Which drawing can be inspected atCole's Book Arcadeby anyone who can see clearly in the Dark.

Eudocia Emul, the Eccentric Epicurian Empress of Ethiopia, Electrified the East End of Egypt by Eagerly and Easily Eating, as an Experiment, an Egg, an Eagle, an Emu, and Electrical Eel, and an Enormous Elephant, larger than the one Exhibited next toCole's Book Arcade.

Fanny Fagan's Fine, Flossy, Fashionable Feathers Frequently Flopped, Flirted, and Flounced Forcibly From Fun.When she read some of the lively books fromCole's Book Arcade.

Georgina Gubbins Gently, Gracefully, Gravely, Grammatically, Graphically, and Grandiloquently Grumbled at her Great-Grandmother.Because she so seldom went toCole's Book Arcade.

Harriet Hopkins Had an Habitual, Haughty, Harsh, Hasty, Huffy, Hateful, Hideous, Horrid, Headstrong, Heedless, Hysterical, Habit of Henpecking Her Husband at Home.When he would not take her toCole's Book Arcade, to get a book on Saturday night.

Isabella Ingram Ironically Inquired of the Illustrious Imperial Indian If Idleness, Ignorance, Impudence, Intemperance, Intolerance, Inhumanity, and Infamy.Were the seven cardinal virtues. She was referred for an answer to the Instructive books inCole's Book Arcade.

Jemima Jenkins, the Jerusalem Jewess, Judiciously Jotted Jokes in her Journal in June on her Journey through Judea to Jericho, beyond Jordan.[N.B.—Jericho, beyond Jordan, is about 10,000 miles fromCole's Book Arcade.]

Kate Kearney Kidnapped a Knave, a Knight, a Khan, a Kaiser and a King, and Kindly Kept them upon Ketchup, Kale, Kidneys, Kingfishes, Kittens and Kangaroos.She did not buy her cookery book atCole's Book Arcade: he doesn't sell books showing how to cook Kittens.

Lucy Larkins Lately Let a Lovely, Lonely Lady Look Leisurely at a Large Live Lobster by the aid of a Lucid Little Lime-Light, Borrowed fromCole's Book Arcade.

Mary Muggin's Mother Made a Mighty, Monstrous, Mammoth, Monument of Marmalade jars; Mounted up, and Minutely Minced the Moon into a Multitude of Magnificent stars.[N.B.—About 300 bushels of said stars fell on top ofCole's Book Arcadeand may be seen on application.]

Nancy Nuttall was a Nonsensical, Noodlesome, Nincompoopish, Namby-pamby, Numskulled, Needle-woman; Nevertheless, at Ninety-Nine she Neatly and Nimbly Nabbed in the Nuptial Noose a Notable Noble Nabob of Nagpoor.And directly after the marriage Nagged him into sending for books toCole's Book Arcade.Olivia Oliphant, of Omeo, ordered an Obstinate Old Organ-grinding Ostrich to Overwhelm with Oil an Olive, an Onion, an Orange, an Onion, an Orange, an Ocean, and an Oat.And then go toCole's Book Arcadeand get a book.Papline Potts, a Poor, Penniless Peasant, Prettily, Pleasantly, Pathetically and Perfectly Played a Piece of music in a Parlour at a Pleasure-Palace to a Picked, Packed Party of Particular Personages, consisting of Peers, Peeresses, Princes and Princesses.The piece of music was bought Quarter-Price atCole's Book Arcade.Quintina Quirk Quarrelled with the Queer, Quaint, Quadroon Queen of Quito, and Quizzingly Questioned her Quivering, Quaking Quartermaster.If he was Quite sure he bought all his pens and pencils atCole's Book Arcade.Ruth Robertson's Rich Rival, Regardless of Right, Rhyme, or Reason, Recently Ran a Rapid, Rattling Race Round a Regiment of Royal Russian Red Republicans,Instead of Running intoCole's Book Arcade.Seraphina Susanna Selina Sally Snooks, a Sober, Serious, Staid, Seraphic, and Sentimental Sailoress, Solicited a Situation as Superior Saloon Stewardess on the Splendid Spanish SteamshipSalamanca, and Straightway Stipulated with the Sprightly Supercargo to Slyly and Suddenly Sail Southward at Sunrise for Six Shillingsworth of Select Stationery toCole's Book Arcade.Theresa Toodles Thatched a Trumpery Tipperary Theatre Three Thousand and Thirty-Three Times, and Then Took To Table-Turning and Table-Talking.But never Turned into nor Talked aboutCole's Book Arcadeuntil afterwards.Urania Upton was Uncouth, Ungraceful, Unfashionable, Unladylike, Uninteresting, Unpresentable, and Ugly. She was Unpoetical, Unmusical, Unlearned, Uncultured, Unimproved, Uninformed, Unknowing, Unthinking, Unwitty and Unwise. She was Unlively, Undersized, Unwholesome and Unhealthy. She was Unlovely, Ungentle, Uncivil, Unsociable, Untameable, and altogether Unendurable. She was Unkind, Unfeeling, Unloving, Unthankful, Ungrateful, Unwilling, Unruly, Unreasonable, Unwomanly, Unworthy, Unmotherly, Undutious, Unmerciful, Untruthful, Unfair, Unjust and Unprincipled. She was Unpunctual, Unthrifty, Unskilful, Unready, Unsafe, Unfit, and totally Unprofitable. She was Unknown, Unnoticed, Unheeded, Unobeyed, Unloved, Unfriended, Unemployed, Unvalued, Unpopular, and actually Unpitied. She was Unsuccessful, Unfortunate, Unlucky, Unpaid, Unshod, Unfed, Unquiet, Unsettled, Uncertain, Undecided, Unhinged, Uneasy, Upset, Unhappy, and Utterly Useless.Until, by chance, she went toCole's Book Arcade, and got some good instructive books, and now she is the very best person in Australia, and the best but two in the world.Victoria Vincent Valiantly Vaccinated a Vapouring, Verbose Varmit of a Vulgar Villainous Vagabond, who Very Verdantly Ventured on a Versatile, Veteran, Valueless Velocipede to Visit the Viceroy of Venice, instead of VisitingCole's Book Arcade.Wilhelmina Wilkins Was a Worthy, Witty, Widow Washerwoman, Who Washed Woollen Waistcoats, Worsted Waistbands, and Water-proof Wrappers With a Washing-Machine, and lived Well upon Water-gruel; Whereupon William Watson, a Wide-awake Widowed Waterman, Wisely Walked With her—Whispered, Winked, Wooed, Won, Wedded, and Wafted her across the Wide Waste of Water Waves, and got her a Weird Waltz.Quarter-Price atCole's Book Arcade.Xantippe Xman, the eXiled eXqueen of the eXquimaux, eXceedingly eXcelled in eXerting an eXquisite eXactness in eXpense in general; but eXhibited the most eXceptional, eXtensive, eXtraordinary, eXcessive, eXtravagant, but eXcusable eXuberance.When she visitedCole's Book Arcade, to buy books.Yellena Yellat, the Yellow Yahoo of Yokohama, Yawned Yesterday at Yon Yelping Yokel of the Yankee Yeomanry.And told him that he, being ignorant, should go at once and get educated atCole's Book Arcade.Zenobian Zoziman, the Zouave Zemindaress of Zululand, was no Zany, but rode on a Zanzibar Zebra, resided in a Zing-Zag Zenana, Zealously studied Zanyism, Zealotism, Zoology, Zoonomy, Zoophytology, Zoolatry, Zymology, ZincographyAnd many other 'isms, 'ologies, 'olatries, 'ographies, etc., out of the works she bought atCole's Book Arcade.

Olivia Oliphant, of Omeo, ordered an Obstinate Old Organ-grinding Ostrich to Overwhelm with Oil an Olive, an Onion, an Orange, an Onion, an Orange, an Ocean, and an Oat.And then go toCole's Book Arcadeand get a book.

Papline Potts, a Poor, Penniless Peasant, Prettily, Pleasantly, Pathetically and Perfectly Played a Piece of music in a Parlour at a Pleasure-Palace to a Picked, Packed Party of Particular Personages, consisting of Peers, Peeresses, Princes and Princesses.The piece of music was bought Quarter-Price atCole's Book Arcade.

Quintina Quirk Quarrelled with the Queer, Quaint, Quadroon Queen of Quito, and Quizzingly Questioned her Quivering, Quaking Quartermaster.If he was Quite sure he bought all his pens and pencils atCole's Book Arcade.

Ruth Robertson's Rich Rival, Regardless of Right, Rhyme, or Reason, Recently Ran a Rapid, Rattling Race Round a Regiment of Royal Russian Red Republicans,Instead of Running intoCole's Book Arcade.

Seraphina Susanna Selina Sally Snooks, a Sober, Serious, Staid, Seraphic, and Sentimental Sailoress, Solicited a Situation as Superior Saloon Stewardess on the Splendid Spanish SteamshipSalamanca, and Straightway Stipulated with the Sprightly Supercargo to Slyly and Suddenly Sail Southward at Sunrise for Six Shillingsworth of Select Stationery toCole's Book Arcade.

Theresa Toodles Thatched a Trumpery Tipperary Theatre Three Thousand and Thirty-Three Times, and Then Took To Table-Turning and Table-Talking.But never Turned into nor Talked aboutCole's Book Arcadeuntil afterwards.

Urania Upton was Uncouth, Ungraceful, Unfashionable, Unladylike, Uninteresting, Unpresentable, and Ugly. She was Unpoetical, Unmusical, Unlearned, Uncultured, Unimproved, Uninformed, Unknowing, Unthinking, Unwitty and Unwise. She was Unlively, Undersized, Unwholesome and Unhealthy. She was Unlovely, Ungentle, Uncivil, Unsociable, Untameable, and altogether Unendurable. She was Unkind, Unfeeling, Unloving, Unthankful, Ungrateful, Unwilling, Unruly, Unreasonable, Unwomanly, Unworthy, Unmotherly, Undutious, Unmerciful, Untruthful, Unfair, Unjust and Unprincipled. She was Unpunctual, Unthrifty, Unskilful, Unready, Unsafe, Unfit, and totally Unprofitable. She was Unknown, Unnoticed, Unheeded, Unobeyed, Unloved, Unfriended, Unemployed, Unvalued, Unpopular, and actually Unpitied. She was Unsuccessful, Unfortunate, Unlucky, Unpaid, Unshod, Unfed, Unquiet, Unsettled, Uncertain, Undecided, Unhinged, Uneasy, Upset, Unhappy, and Utterly Useless.Until, by chance, she went toCole's Book Arcade, and got some good instructive books, and now she is the very best person in Australia, and the best but two in the world.

Victoria Vincent Valiantly Vaccinated a Vapouring, Verbose Varmit of a Vulgar Villainous Vagabond, who Very Verdantly Ventured on a Versatile, Veteran, Valueless Velocipede to Visit the Viceroy of Venice, instead of VisitingCole's Book Arcade.

Wilhelmina Wilkins Was a Worthy, Witty, Widow Washerwoman, Who Washed Woollen Waistcoats, Worsted Waistbands, and Water-proof Wrappers With a Washing-Machine, and lived Well upon Water-gruel; Whereupon William Watson, a Wide-awake Widowed Waterman, Wisely Walked With her—Whispered, Winked, Wooed, Won, Wedded, and Wafted her across the Wide Waste of Water Waves, and got her a Weird Waltz.Quarter-Price atCole's Book Arcade.

Xantippe Xman, the eXiled eXqueen of the eXquimaux, eXceedingly eXcelled in eXerting an eXquisite eXactness in eXpense in general; but eXhibited the most eXceptional, eXtensive, eXtraordinary, eXcessive, eXtravagant, but eXcusable eXuberance.When she visitedCole's Book Arcade, to buy books.

Yellena Yellat, the Yellow Yahoo of Yokohama, Yawned Yesterday at Yon Yelping Yokel of the Yankee Yeomanry.And told him that he, being ignorant, should go at once and get educated atCole's Book Arcade.

Zenobian Zoziman, the Zouave Zemindaress of Zululand, was no Zany, but rode on a Zanzibar Zebra, resided in a Zing-Zag Zenana, Zealously studied Zanyism, Zealotism, Zoology, Zoonomy, Zoophytology, Zoolatry, Zymology, ZincographyAnd many other 'isms, 'ologies, 'olatries, 'ographies, etc., out of the works she bought atCole's Book Arcade.

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A Wonderful Search Journey by the 40 principal modes of travellingin The World, and a Prize of £1000 offered for a Flying Machine.I have always been a man of one idea at a time, and that one idea I have followed with unwavering determination until success has rewarded my efforts. Now listen to my story:—A short time ago, much desiring to obtain a particular article, I determined to get it if it was possible to do so in this world, and so started on my search journey. I ran into Melbourne and askedRunning.

A Wonderful Search Journey by the 40 principal modes of travellingin The World, and a Prize of £1000 offered for a Flying Machine.

I have always been a man of one idea at a time, and that one idea I have followed with unwavering determination until success has rewarded my efforts. Now listen to my story:—A short time ago, much desiring to obtain a particular article, I determined to get it if it was possible to do so in this world, and so started on my search journey. I ran into Melbourne and asked

His Excellency the GOVERNOR of Victoria if he knew where I could get it, he said he did not but I might ask the RAJAH of Sarawak. I took ship to Sarawak, asked the Rajah, he said he did not know, but referred me to the MIKADO of Japan. I jumped into a boat, pulledRowing.

to Jedo, asked His Dual Majesty, Lord Paramount of Japan, and head of the Sintoo Faith, he said he did not know, but perhaps the TYCOON of Japan did. I got into a jimriksha and was trottedIn cart pulled by native.

away to the house of the unfortunate Tycoon, he said he could not help me, but referred me to the GREAT CHAM of Tartary. I jumped into a Chinese junk,Chinese Sail-Boat.

bore away to Pekin and saw the Great Cham of the Celestials, "Son of Heaven," "Brother to the Sun, Moon and Stars," "Father of Mankind," "Governor of the World" and head of the Confucian Faith. He condescendingly said he did not know, but maybe the TIANG of Nankin could inform me; I took a sailing wheelbarrow to the Centre of Wise Learning, saw the headIn Wheelbarrow with Sail and Pushed by Native.

of the Taoist Faith, he could not tell me where to get it but perhaps the GRAND LAMA of Thibet could, I jumped on the back of a Yak, rode to Lassa,Riding a Yak.

interviewed the head of the Buddhist Faith he said he wanted one himself, but did not know where to get it, go, says he, to the CZAR of Russia, present my compliments and ask him for one for yourself and one for me. I took passage in a reindeer sleigh to St.Reindeer Sleigh.

Petersburg, saw the CZAR, he referred me to his brother monarch the KEIZAR of Austria. I jumped on a horse, galloped away to Vienna, saw the Keizar,Riding Horse.

he did not know, but I could try the QUEEN of England, I jumped into an electric train, made for the metropolisRiding Small Train.

of the world, saw Her Royal, Imperial, and Republican Majesty the "Queen of England," "Empress of India," Sovereign of Canada, Australia, and forty other countries, the most powerful and beloved ruler of the finest race of men, and the largest, mightiest, and grandest Empire the world ever saw. I now said to myself I surely shall get the article I want from the vast resources of Her Majesty, but in answer to my query she politely remarked that she did not think I should get in her dominions, but was almost certain that I could get it from the CHIEF of the Greenland Esquimeaux, I rose up inIn a Balloon.

a balloon, flew through the air across the Atlantic, saw the Chief, he could not say, but referred me to the VICEROY of the Dominion, I jumped on the back of a reindeer, trotted away to Ottawa, sawRiding a Reindeer.

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