(They get into a violent quarrel and talk all at once. They rise from their chairs, threaten, and shout.)
HERMAN [knocking on the table and bellowing]. Silence! Silence! Gentlemen! Let us say no more about it, and each one hold to his own opinion. Listen, gentlemen! Keep still, will you? Do you think that it was from fear that the Duke of Vendome retired and set fire to the countryside? No, the fellow has been reading the Chronicle of Alexander the Great, for that's what he did when Darius followed him, and thereby he won as great a victory as we won before Hochstadt.
JENS. It has just struck twelve by the postmaster's clock.
HERMAN. Then we must go.
[They go out disputing, and make a great noise as they continue the argument.]
(In front of Herman's house stand Abrahams and Sanderus, withChristopher and Jochum, their servants.)
ABRAHAMS. I have a story for you that will amuse the whole town. Do you know what I have arranged with three or four gentlemen here in the city?
SANDERUS. No, I don't know.
ABRAHAMS. Do you know Herman von Bremen?
SANDERUS. That must be the tinker who is such a great politician and who lives in this house.
ABRAHAMS. That's the man. I was with some of the members of the council awhile ago, and they were very angry with the fellow because he talked so boldly at the tavern about the government, and wanted to reform everything. They thought it would be worth while to set spies on him to find out just what he says, so that he could be punished as an example to others.
SANDERUS. It would be a good thing to punish such fellows, for they sit over a jug of ale and criticise kings and princes and magistrates and generals in a way that is dreadful to listen to. And it is dangerous, too, for the common people hare not the discretion to appreciate how absurd it is for a tinker, a hatter, and a maker of brushes to talk about such things, of which they know little or nothing, and settle matters that are too much for the whole council.
ABRAHAMS. That is so; for that same tinker could reform the whole Roman Empire while he patched a kettle, and play both mender of dishes and mender of diets at the same time. But I did not approve the plan of those councillors, because to arrest such a man would only start an uproar among the populace and make a person of importance out of a mere fool. My idea, then, is to play a joke on him, instead, which might have better effect.
SANDERUS. How would you go about it?
ABRAHAMS. Send him a deputation, supposedly from the council, to congratulate him on his election as burgomaster, and immediately set him some hard duty to perform. Then every one will see how miserable it will make him, and he himself will realize what a difference there is between talking about an office and doing the work of it.
SANDERUS. But what will come of it?
ABRAHAMS. The result will be that he will either run away from the city out of sheer desperation, or else humbly beg for his deposition and confess his incompetence. It is only for this purpose that I have come to you, Master Sanderus, to beg your help in putting this scheme into operation, for I know that you are skilful at that sort of thing.
SANDERUS. That can be arranged. We will play the part of the deputation ourselves, and call on him immediatelv.
ABRAHAMS. Here is his house. Jochum or Christopher, knock, one of you, and say that two gentlemen of the council are outside and wish to talk with Herman von Bremen. (They knock.)
(Enter Herman.)
HERMAN. Whom do you wish to see?
JOCHUM. Here are two gentlemen of the council, who have the honor of waiting upon you.
HERMAN. Heavens! What's up? I look as dirty as a pig.
ABRAHAMS. Your most humble servant, honorable Burgomaster! We have been sent here by the council to congratulate you on your election to the office of burgomaster of the city; for the council, after considering your merits more than your condition and circumstances, has elected you burgomaster.
SANDERUS. The council looks upon it as unjust that so wise a man should be occupied with such base affairs and should bury his great talent in the earth.
HERMAN. Honored colleagues! Convey my respects and gratitude to the just and upright councillors and assure them of my protection. I am delighted that this idea has occurred to them, not for my own sake, but for that of the city. If I had cared for rank, I might perhaps have attained something long ago.
ABRAHAMS. Honored Burgomaster! The council and the burgesses can expect nothing but the prosperity of the city under so wise a magistrate.
SANDERUS. And for that reason they have passed over so many rich and distinguished men who have sought this high office.
HERMAN. Yes, yes. I hope that they will not regret their choice, either.
ABRAHAMS and SANDERUS. We recommend ourselves, both of us, to the favor of the honorable Burgomaster.
HERMAN. It will be a pleasure to do you some service. Pardon me for not attending you further.
SANDERUS. Oh, it would hardly be fitting for your Honor to go further.
HERMAN (calling one of the lackeys). Listen, my friend! Here is something for a pot of ale.
LACKEYS. Oh, we do not do that, your Honor.
[Exeunt Abrahams, Sanderus, and Lackeys.]
HERMAN. Geske! Geske!
GESKE (off stage). I haven't time.
HERMAN. Come out here! I have something to tell you that you never dreamed of in all your life.
(Enter Geske.)
GESKE. Now, what is it?
HERMAN. Have you any coffee in the house?
GESKE. What nonsense! When did I use coffee last?
HERMAN. You will need it from now on. Within half an hour you will receive calls from the wives of all the members of the council.
GESKE. I think the man is dreaming.
HERMAN. Yes, I am dreaming, in such a way that I have dreamed us into a burgomastership
GESKE. Listen, husband, don't make me angry again!
You know what happened last time.
HERMAN. Didn't you see the two gentlemen and their lackeys who went past?
GESKE. Yes, I saw them.
HERMAN. They stopped here, and brought me word from the council thatI have been made burgomaster.
GESKE. The devil you have!
HERMAN. Now, my dear wife, see that you strive hereafter to acquire more correct manners, and that you retain none of your old tinker-tricks.
GESKE. Oh, is it really true, my dear husband?
HERMAN. It is as true as I'm standing here. Before we know it, we shall have the house full of congratulators, of most-humble-servants, of I-have-the-honors, and of I-kiss-your-handers.
GESKE (on her knees). Ah, my dear husband, forgive me if I have ever done you an injustice!
HERMAN. Everything is forgiven; only try to behave more like gentlefolk, and you shall find favor with me. But where shall we get a servant in a hurry?
GESKE. We must manage to get Henrich into some of your clothes until we can buy a livery. But listen, my dear: since you have become a burgomaster, I beg of you that Gert the furrier may be punished for the wrong he did me to-day.
HERMAN. Oh, my dear wife! The burgomaster's wife must not think of avenging the injury done to the tinker's wife. Let us call in Henrich.
GESKE. Henrich!
HENRICH (off stage). Hey!
(Enter Henrich.)
GESKE. Henrich! you must not answer like that after this. Don't you know what has happened to us?
HENRICH. No, I don't know.
GESKE. My husband has been made burgomaster.
HENRICH. What of?
GESKE. What of? Of Hamburg!
HENRICH. The deuce you say! That certainly is the devil's own jump for a tinker!
HERMAN. Henrich, speak with more respect. You must know that you are now the lackey of a man of prominence.
HENRICH. Lackey! Then I don't advance nearly so much!
HERMAN. You shall advance in time. You may even be a reutendiener some day. Only keep still. Your duty for a few days is to act as lackey until I can get a servant.—He can wear my brown coat, my dear, till we get a livery.
GESKE. But I am afraid it will be much too long for him.
HERMAN. Of course it is too long, but a man must help himself as best he can when he's in a hurry.
HENRICH. Good Lord! It goes down to my heels. I shall look like aJewish priest.
HERMAN. Listen, Henrich—
HENRICH. Yes, master.
HERMAN. You rascal! Don't address me by any such title any more; from henceforth, when I call, you answer "Mr. Burgomaster!" and when any one comes to ask after me, you may say, "Burgomaster von Bremenfeld is at home."
HENRICH. Must I say that whether your Honor is at home or not?
HERMAN. What nonsense! When I am not at home, you must say, "Burgomaster von Bremenfeld is not at home;" and when I do not wish to be at home, you shall say, "The burgomaster is not giving audience to-day."—Listen, my dear, you must make some coffee immediately, so that you will have something to entertain the councillors' wives with when they come. For our reputation will from now on depend on having people say, "Burgomaster von Bremenfeld gives good counsel, and his wife good coffee." I am so much afraid, my dear, that you will make some mistake before you get accustomed to the position that you have attained.—Henrich, run get a tea-table and some cups, and tell the girl to run out and get fourpence' worth of coffee—one can always buy more later.—You make it a rule, my dear, not to talk much until you learn to carry on refined conversation. You must not be too humble, either, but stand upon your dignity, and strive in every way to get the old tinkering habits out of your head, and try to imagine that you have been a burgomaster's wife for years. In the morning a tea-table must be set for callers, and in the afternoon a coffee-table, and that can be used for cards. There is a game that they call Allumber; I would give a hundred thalers if you and our daughter, Miss Engelke, knew how to play it. You must pay close attention when you see other people play, so you can learn it. You must lie abed in the morning till nine or half past, for it's only common people who get up in the summer with the sun. But on Sunday you must get up a little earlier, as I expect to take physic on that day. You must get hold of a fine snuff-box, and let it lie on the table near you when you are playing cards. When any one drinks your health, you mustn't say "Thanks," but "Tres humble servitoor." And when you yawn, you mustn't hold your hand before your mouth, because that isn't done any more among the gentry. And lastly, when you are in company, you mustn't be too squeamish, but leave your propriety a little to one side.—Listen, I forgot something: you must also get a lap-dog and love it like your own daughter, for that's fashionable. Our neighbor Arianke has a pretty dog that she might lend you till we can get one for ourselves. You must give the dog a French name, which I shall think up when I have time. It must lie in your lap constantly, and you must kiss it at least half a dozen times, when there are callers.
GESKE. No, my dear husband, I can't possibly do that, for there's no telling what a dog has been lying in and getting itself all dirty—you might get a mouthful of filth or fleas.
HERMAN. Here, here, no nonsense! If you want to be a lady, you must act like a lady. Besides, a dog like that can supply you with conversation; when you have run short of topics, you can talk about the dog's qualities and accomplishments. Just do as I say, my dear; I understand high society better than you do. Take me as your model. You shall find that not even the smallest of my old habits will remain. It won't happen to me as it did to a butcher, once, when he was made a councillor. Whenever he had written a page and wanted to turn over the leaf, he put his pen in his mouth, as he used to do with his butcher's knife. The rest of you go in now and get things ready. I want to talk awhile with Henrich alone.
[Exit Geske.]
HERMAN. Listen, Henrich!
HENRICH. Mr. Burgomaster!
HERMAN. Don't you think people will envy me because of this preferment?
HENRICH. Well, what do you care about people who envy you, your Honor? If only I had been made a burgomaster like that, I should have sent my enviers to death and the devil.
HERMAN. The one thing I am a little anxious about is the matter of small ceremonies, for the world is governed by pedantry, and people notice trifles more than solid things. If only the first day were over, when I make my entry into the City Hall, I should be glad; for as far as substantial business is concerned, that is bread and butter to me. But I must arrange how I am to meet my colleagues for the first time and make sure that I do not run counter to any of the traditional ceremonies.
HENRICH. Oh, fiddlesticks, Mr. Burgomaster! No true man lets himself be bound by fixed ceremonies. I, for my part, should do nothing, if I were to make my entry, except give the gentlemen of the council my hand to kiss, and wear a fine scowl on my brow so that they might gather what my intentions were, and silently make them realize that a burgomaster was no goose and no dumpling.
HERMAN. But think, there must be an oration at the City Hall the first day that I am introduced. I can certainly make as good a speech as any one in town, and I should make bold to preach if it were to-morrow morning. But inasmuch as I have never been present at such a ceremony before, I really don't know what is the customary formula.
HENRICH. Oh, sir, no one but schoolmasters limit themselves by a formula. If I were burgomaster, I should be content with a brief and emphatic address, such as this: "It may seem a rather remarkable thing, wise and noble councillors, to see a miserable tinker suddenly turned into a burgomaster—"
HERMAN. Fie, that would be a shabby start.
HENRICH. No, that wouldn't be the start. I should begin my speech like this: "I thank you, wise and noble gentlemen, for the honor you have done a wretched tinker like me in making him burgomaster—"
HERMAN. You always bring in your confounded "tinker." It is not proper to talk like that at the City Hall, where I must act as if I had been born a burgomaster. If I were to make such a speech, I should only be scorned and mocked. No, no, Henrich, you would make a poor orator. He is a rogue who says I was ever a tinker. I have merely tinkered a little to pass the time away when I have been tired of studying.
HENRICH. He is a rogue who says I was ever a tinker's apprentice.
HERMAN. Then why do you want me to make such a speech?
HENRICH. Oh, have a little patience! Your Honor is too hasty. I should politely tell them at the start that if any one made fun of me for having been a tinker, he would get into trouble. And if I noticed the least expression of mockery on any one's face, I should say, "Wise and noble sirs, do you for a moment allow yourselves to imagine that you have made me burgomaster to ridicule me: And at that I should pound hard on the desk while I spoke, so that they might see from my introductory speech that I was not to be fooled with, and that they had made a burgomaster who was the man for the place. For if his Honor lets himself be imposed on at the start, the council will continue to look on him as a rascal."
HERMAN. You talk like a rascal, but still I shall manage to hit on the kind of speech I want to make. Let us go in.
[Exeunt.
(A Room in Herman's house. Henrich, alone. He has braid on both sleeves of his coat, which reaches to his heels, and is trimmed with white paper.)
HENRICH. I am a cur if I can see how the council hit on the idea of making my master burgomaster, because I can see no connection between a tinker and a high official like that, unless it is that just as a tinker throws plates and dishes into a mould and melts them up into new ones, so a good burgomaster can remould the republic, when it is declining, by making good laws. But the good men did not take into consideration the fact that my master is the worst tinker in Hamburg, and therefore, if they have by any chance chosen him on that basis, he will be the worst burgomaster, too, that we have ever had. The only useful thing about their choice is that it makes me a reutendiener, and that is a position for which I have both talent and inclination, for ever since I was a boy I have enjoyed seeing people arrested. It is a good place, too, for one who knows how to make something out of it. First of all I must appear to have a great deal of say with the burgomaster, and when people get that article of faith through their heads, Henrich will make at least a hundred or two hundred thalers a year, which I shall take not out of greed, but only to show that I understand my business as reutendiener. If any one wants to talk to the burgomaster, I say he is not at home. If they say they saw him at the window, I answer that it makes no difference, he is still not at home. People in Hamburg know at once what that answer means; they slip a thaler into Henrich's hand, and his Honor promptly comes home. If he has been ill, he recovers at once; if he has had visitors, they leave at once; if he has been lying down, he gets up at once. I run about with the lackeys of the gentry, now and then, and I know well enough what goes on in those houses. In the old days when folks were as stupid as horses and asses, such things were called stealing, but now they are known as "extras," "tips," or "unclassified income." But look, here comes Anneke; she doesn't know yet about the transformation, for she still has her vulgar tinker-look and tinker-walk.
[Enter Anneke.]
ANNEKE. Ha, ha, ha! He looks like a mummer. I believe that's anAdrienne that he's got on him.
HENRICH. Listen, you tinker's trash! have you never seen a livery or a lackey before? Faith, these common people are like animals, they stand and stare like cows, when they see a man in different clothes one day from what he wears another.
ANNEKE. No, a joke's one thing, and sober truth's another. Don't you know that I've learned to tell fortunes? An old woman came here to-day who reads people's hands. I gave her a bit of bread and she taught me the art of seeing in people's hands what is going to happen to them. If I may look at your hand, I can tell your fortune at once.
HENRICH. Yes, yes, Anneke! Henrich isn't as stupid as you think. I smell a rat already. You have got wind of the promotion that is promised me to-day.
ANNEKE. No, indeed, I know nothing about it.
HENRICH. See how straight she keeps her face. Indeed you have heard it, and that is why you know how to tell fortunes so well. No, Henrich has an old head on his shoulders, and he can't be led by the nose.
ANNEKE. I give you my oath that I haven't heard a word of what you are talking about.
HENRICH. Haven't you been talking to madam the burgomaster's wife?
ANNEKE. The fellow is mad. What burgomaster's wife do I know?
HENRICH. Then I believe the young lady has told you.
ANNEKE. Here, enough of this nonsense, Henrich.
HENRICH. Look here, Anneke, here is my hand. Tell my fortune all you want. I see well enough that you have got wind of the affair, although you act as if you knew nothing about it. But it can do no harm to have you so wily; our whole household must be like that from now on. Now, what do you see in my hand?
ANNEKE. I see, Henrich, that master's custos which hangs back of the stove will dance a merry step on your back this day. Aren't you ashamed to go round like a mummer when there is so much work to do in the house, and to treat the master's coat like that?
HENRICH. Listen, Anneke! I can tell fortunes without reading hands. I prophesy that you are a rascal, and for your shameless talk you are going to get a box on the ear, or two, as the case may be. See, there's a prophecy come true. (Boxes her ear.)
ANNEKE. Ow, ow, ow! You shall pay dear for that.
HENRICH. Learn to show ordinary respect another time for a great gentleman's lackey—(Boxes her ear again.)
ANNEKE. Just you wait; mistress will be here in a minute.
HENRICH (again).—for the burgomaster's most distinguished servant—
ANNEKE. She will take it out on your back.
HENRICH (again).—for a reutendiener—
ANNEKE. Yes, yes! I say it again: that will cost you dear.
HENRICH (again).—for a person of great influence with the burgomaster—
ANNEKE. Oh, oh! No one in this house has ever struck me before.
HENRICH (again).—whom all the citizens will cherish and compliment henceforth.
ANNEKE. I think the fellow is stark mad. Oh, mistress! mistress!Come here!
HENRICH. Hush, hush! You will get into trouble with your mistress. I see now that you don't know what has happened, so, like a Christian, I forgive your fault. The council has unanimously elected the master burgomaster, mistress madam burgomaster, and decreed Engelke out of mere maidenhood into the degree of young lady. Therefore you can easily understand that it won't do for me to work any more. For the same reason, too, I wear this livery that you notice.
ANNEKE. Well, don't stand and stare at me into the bargain.
HENRICH. It is as I say, Anneke! Here comes the young lady, who shall vouch for my words.
(Enter Engelke.)
ENGELKE. Oh, God help me, poor creature! Now I see that all hope is gone.
HENRICH. Oh, my young lady, is this the time to weep, when your parents have come into such good fortune?
ENGELKE. Hold your tongue, Henrich, I don't want to be "my young lady."
HENRICH. What are you going to be, then? You're not a mere maiden, so you must be a young lady. That is surely the next degree of honor to which you rise when you lose your maidenhood.
ENGELKE. I had rather be a peasant's daughter. Then I could be sure of getting the man on whom I have set my heart.
HENRICH. Oh, is that all the young lady is crying about—that she wants to get married? Now she can get married in the shortest possible time to any man she points at, for half the town will besiege the house to be a burgomaster's son-in-law.
ENGELKE. I won't have any one but Antonius, whom I've already promised to marry.
HENRICH. Fie, Mamsell! Will you take a wheelwright now, a man I can scarcely associate with,—I, who am only a reutendiener? You should have a higher sense of honor after this.
ENGELKE. Be quiet, you lout! I would give up my life rather than let myself be forced to marry any one else.
HENRICH. Now reassure yourself, my young lady, we shall see, I and the burgomaster, if we can't help Antonius into office, and then you can take him and welcome. (Exit Engelke. Anneke weeps.) Why are you crying, Anneke?
ANNEKE. I am crying for joy over the fortune that has come to our house.
HENRICH. True enough, Anneke, you have cause to rejoice. Who the devil would have thought that such a sow as you are could ever become a lady's maid?
ANNEKE. And who the dickens could have thought that such a hog as you might become a reutendiener?
HENRICH. Listen, little girl, I haven't time to talk to you any longer now. Madam expects guests; I must prepare coffee. See, here she is; let us go. I must run get the coffee-table. [Exeunt.
(Enter Geske with a dog in her arms. Henrich returns with the coffee-table and sets it busily.)
GESKE. Listen, Henrich, is there syrup in the coffee?
HENRICH. No, Mistress!
GESKE. No more "Master" and "Mistress," Henrich! I say that once for all. Run get some syrup and put it into the pot. (Exit Henrich.) I was free from all this hubbub before. But I suppose that once I am used to it, it will come easier to me.
(Enter Henrich.)
HENRICH. Here is the syrup.
GESKE. Pour it into the pot. Goodness me, some one is knocking. It must be the wives of councillors to call on me.
HENRICH (at the door). Whom do you want to speak to?
GIRL. Tell your master that he can lie like ten tinkers. I have worn out a pair of shoes running to and fro after the dripping-pan.
HENRICH. I say, whom do you want to speak to?
GIRL. I want to speak to Master Herman.
HENRICH. You are on a wild-goose chase. Burgomaster von Bremenfeld lives here.
GIRL. It is a scandal when people can't get their things done, and have to let themselves be made fools of by a miserable tinker.
HENRICH. If you have any fault to find with tinkers, you must go to the Council Hall; you will get justice there, or I don't know Burgomaster von Bremenfeld.
TWO LACKEYS. Our ladies are desirous of announcing that if it suits the convenience of Madam Burgomaster, they should like to have the honor of waiting on her.
HENRICH (to the Girl). Now, do you see, you scum of the earth, that it's no tinker that lives here? (To the servants.) I will inquire if the burgomaster's lady is at home.
[The Girl goes.
HENRICH (to Geske). Here are two councillors' ladies outside, who want to talk to the mistress.
GESKE. Let them in.
(Enter Madame Abrahams and Madame Sanderus. They kiss Geske's apron.)
MME. ABRAHAMS. We have come here to-day to offer our most humble congratulations and to témoigner the heartfelt joy and delight that we feel at your advancement, and at the same time to recommend ourselves to your favor and affection.
GESKE. Tres humble servitoor! I wonder if you wouldn't like to drink a cup of coffee.
MME. ABRAHAMS. We thank Madam Burgomaster, but this time we have come only to offer congratulations.
GESKE. Tres humble servitoor! But I know you like coffee. Perhaps you just want to be urged. Be so good as to sit down; the coffee is all ready. Henrich!
HENRICH. Gracious madam?
GESKE. Have you put the syrup in the coffee?
HENRICH. Yes, I have. [Exit.
GESKE. Please, good ladies, won't you have some?
MME. SANDERUS. I hope you will be so good as to excuse us, but we never drink coffee.
GESKE. Oh, nonsense, I know better I beg you be seated.
MME. SANDERUS (aside to Mme. Abrahams). Oh, ma soeur, I am sick at the mere thought of that syrup.
GESKE. Henrich, come fill the cups.
(Enter Henrich.)
MME. SANDERUS. That is enough, my good man. I can drink only half a cup.
HENRICH. I am to ask Madam Burgomaster to step in for a moment and speak to the burgomaster.
GESKE. Excuse me, good ladies, I must go for an instant. You shall shortly have the honor of seeing me again.
[Exeunt Henrich and Geske.
MME. ABRAHAMS. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Whom is the joke on now, my sister, she whom we laugh at in our sleeves as we sit here, or we who have to drink coffee with syrup in it?
MME. SANDERUS. For Heaven's sake don't mention the syrup again! My stomach comes up into my throat when I think of it.
MME. ABRAHAMS. Did you notice the airs she put on when we kissed her apron? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I shall never forget as long as I live that "Tres humble servitoor." Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
MME. SANDERUS. Don't laugh so loud, sister, I'm afraid they can hear it.
MME. ABRAHAMS. Oh, it is a real art to be able to keep from laughing. And wasn't that the sweetest dog she had in her arms? The loveliest watch-dog one might wish for. I am sure it was called "Joli" into the bargain. Heavens, heavens, how true it is, as people always say, that no one is more arrogant than those who come up from the dregs into positions of honor! That is why nothing is more dangerous than these sudden changes. People who are of good stock and are properly brought up are only too glad to stay as they were, or even to become more humble, when they rise to higher distinction. But those who grow up quickly out of nothing, like mushrooms, seem to come naturally by intolerable pride.
MME. SANDERUS. I wonder what the reason can be? I should think such people ought rather to be humbled by the thought of their former position.
MME. ABRAHAMS. The reason must be that those who come from good families have never suspected any one of despising them, and consequently don't worry about how they are received, whereas common people have always suspected every one, and think that every word and every glance is intended as a reflection on their previous state, and so they seek to assert their dignity by making themselves imperious and tyrannous. Believe me, dear sister! There is something in springing from good stock. But here comes the boy; we had better be still.
(Enter Henrich.)
HENRICH. The good ladies must not let the time seem long. The madam is coming back in a minute. The burgomaster has presented her with a new collar for her dog, but it was a little too wide; so the tailor is in there taking the measure of the dog's neck. As soon as that's settled, she will come back. But I hope you good ladies won't take it amiss, if I ask you a favor: will you be so good as to think of me in a little remembrance, for I have heavy work, and slave like a beast here in the house.
MME. ABRAHAMS. Gladly, my friend! Here is a gulden,—you will accept it.
HENRICH. Ah, my best thanks! I hope that I may serve you ladies again. Now, you must drink your fill while the mistress is out; she won't be angry, or if she is, I will make it all right.
MME. ABRAHAMS. My good man, the greatest service you can do us is not to urge us.
HENRICH. As I say, gentle ladies, I know the mistress won't mind; you simply must drink. Perhaps it isn't sweet enough. I will go get some more syrup.—But here she comes herself.
(Enter Geske.)
GESKE. I beg your pardon for staying away so long. ladies, you haven't drunk a thing in all this time! We simply must empty the pot, and then when you have the coffee, you must taste our ale. If I do say it it is as good as any ale in town.
MME. SANDERUS. Oh, I feel so very bad, you must pardon me if I am unable to stay any longer. My sister will stay and try it.
MME. ABRAHAMS. Oh, no, it would be a sin to desert my sister. We commend ourselves to the affection of Madam Burgomaster.
GESKE. Then you must have a glass of brandy—it will make you perfectly well again—it drives out the wind. Henrich! run get a glass of brandy—the lady's not feeling well.
MME. SANDERUS. No, excuse me; I must go. [Exeunt.
(Enter another Councillor's Wife.)
COUNCILLOR'S WIFE. Your humble servant. I have come dutifully to extend my felicitations.
(Geske reaches out her hand to be kissed, and the lady kisses it.)
GESKE. It will be a pleasure to me if I or the burgomaster can be of any service. Won't you sit down, please? Don't stand on ceremony, just imagine that you are among your equals.
COUNCILLOR'S WIFE. I am deeply obliged, madam! (Sits down.)
GESKE. Some of your colleagues were just here and drank some coffee with me; I think there must be a couple of cups left, if you should like some. The bottom's the best. I don't believe I can drink any more, because I've got so much in me already that my stomach's like a drum.
COUNCILLOR'S WIFE. I thank you humbly, but I have just had some coffee.
GESKE. As you wish. We gentlefolk don't urge any one. Oh, listen, dear madam—do you know of any Frenchwoman to recommend for my young lady? I want her to learn French.
COUNCILLOR'S WIFE. Yes, my lady, I know one who is very satisfactory.
GESKE. Good; but I want to have her understand at the outset that I cannot tolerate having her call me "Madame" as the French people usually do. Not that I am proud, but I have my own ideas on the point.
COUNCILLOR'S WIFE. Oh, no, of course she must not. But might I not also have the privilege of kissing your daughter's hand?
GESKE. I should be delighted. Henrich! Call the young lady and tell her that a lady of the council is here and wishes to kiss her hand.
HENRICH. I don't think she can come, because she's darning her stockings. [Exit.
GESKE. Just listen to that lout, how he stands there and talks at random! Ha, ha, ha! He means to say "embroidering."
(Enter Arianke, the Blacksmith's Wife. (This part is played by a man.))
ARIANKE. Oh, my dear sister Geske! Is it true that your husband has been made burgomaster? I am as pleased as if I had been given two marks. Let us see now that you haven't become proud, but acknowledge your old cronies. (Geske does not answer?) When was your husband made burgomaster? (Geske says not a word.) You are getting absent-minded, sister. I am asking you when your husband was made burgomaster.
COUNCILLOR'S WIFE. You must show a little more respect, dear Madam, to a burgomaster's wife.
ARIANKE. No, I don't have to stand on ceremony with sister Geske, for we have been like body and soul. But what is the matter, sister? It seems to me that you have grown a bit haughty.
GESKE. My good woman, I don't know you.
ARIANKE. The Lord preserve us! When you needed money, you knew me well enough. You can't be sure but my husband may come to be the same as yours some time before he dies.
(Geske turns faint and uses a bottle of smelling-salts.)
HENRICH. Get out, you smith's hag! Do you think you're standing in a smithy and talking?
[Takes her by the hand and leads her off.]
GESKE. Oh, madam, it is a sorrow to associate with these low-born people. Henrich! you will get into trouble if you let in any more commoners' wives after this.
HENRICH. She was drunk as a pig; the brandy fairly stuck out off her throat.
COUNCILLOR'S WIFE. The incident pains me, for I fear that Madam Burgomaster has been overcome by anger. People of rank cannot endure much. The higher one advances in position, the more delicate one's health becomes.
GESKE. Yes, I can assure you that I am far from having the health now that I had in my former rank.
COUNCILLOR'S WIFE. I can believe that easily. Madam will have to take physic every day. All other burgomaster's wives have had to do it.
HENRICH (aside to the audience). I think, by Jove, that I haven't the health I used to have, since I became reutendiener. I've got a stitch—oh, oh!—right here in my left side. You laugh at it, good people, but I am really in earnest. Ma foi, I am afraid that before I know it I shall have gout on me.
COUNCILLOR'S WIFE. Madam must also engage a doctor by the year for her whole household, and he can give her some drops which she can at least leave standing in a bottle, whether she uses them or not.
GESKE. Yes, I certainly shall follow your advice. Henrich! Later on you must run to Doctor Hermelin's and ask him to make me a visit when he has time.
COUNCILLOR'S WIFE. I must now take my leave, madam, and commend myself to your affection.
GESKE. Already so commended, my dear lady! You have but to speak frankly to me or to Master Herman—I mean to Burgomaster von Bremenfeld. What service we can do to you or to those dear to you, you shall never lack.
COUNCILLOR'S WIFE (kissing her apron). Your most humble servant!
GESKE. Adieu! (Exit the Councillor's Wife.) Let us go in, for my husband is giving audience here.
(Same as Act IV. Henrich, alone.)
HENRICH. Well, well, here comes grist to my mill; it's the audience hour. Now, you shall see, good people, if a man who had been twenty years in the service could bear himself better than I.—There's some one knocking. Whom do you wish to see, my good men?
(Enter two Lawyers.)
FIRST LAWYER. We should very much like to have the honor of speaking to the burgomaster.
HENRICH. He is not up yet.
FIRST LAWYER. Not up at four in the afternoon?
HENRICH. Oh, he is up, to be sure, but he has gone out.
FIRST LAWYER. But we just met a man at the door who had been talking to him.
HENRICH. He really is in, but he is not well. (Aside.) These fellows are as stupid as cattle, they don't seem to grasp my meaning.
FIRST LAWYER (aside). I perceive, mon frere, that this fellow wants to be oiled; we must slip a gulden into his fist, and then the burgomaster will come fast enough. Listen, my friend! You will not refuse a couple of gulden to drink our healths with?
HENRICH. Oh, no, my dear sirs, I never take anything as a present.
FIRST LAWYER. What shall we do, then, mon frere? Evidently we must go away until another day.
HENRICH (beckons to them). Hey, gentlemen! you are in too much of a hurry. For your sake I will accept the two guldens; otherwise you might think that I was proud and our house would be ill spoken of in consequence.
FIRST LAWYER. Here, comrade! Here are two guldens, if you will accept them; now be good enough to obtain us an audience.
HENRICH. Your most humble servant. For your sake I shall do all I can. The burgomaster is really as sound as a horse, but still he is not well enough to talk with every one. But seeing that it is you, gentlemen, it is another story. If you will be so good as to wait a moment, gentlemen, I will announce you. But there's some one else knocking. Whom do you want to see, my good man?
(Enter a Man.)
MAN (feeling in his breeches pocket). I should like to have the honor of talking with the burgomaster.
HENRICH (aside). This man knows the ropes: he goes right for his pocket. (Aloud.) Yes, sir, he is at home. You may speak to him immediately.
(Henrich reaches out his hand, but the other instead of money merely pulls out his watch.)
MAN. I see it is already four o'clock.
HENRICH. Who was it you wished to see?
MAN. The burgomaster.
HENRICH. He is not at home, sir.
MAN. You just said that he was at home.
HENRICH. Perhaps I did, sir, but if I did, I made a mistake. (Exit Man. Henrich goes on, aside.) Look at that sharper! Now you shall see if the burgomaster is at your beck and call! (To the lawyers.) I shall announce you immediately. [Exit
FIRST LAWYER. Just see how that rascal knows how to fit into his place already. Keep good countenance, mon frere, it is we who shall start the plaguing of the good tinker. Our comrades will complete the tale. But here he comes.
(Enter Herman and Henrich.)
FIRST LAWYER. From the bottom of our hearts we wish the honorable Burgomaster the greatest success in his high position in our city, and hope that in gentleness, foresight, and vigilance he may not fall behind his predecessors, inasmuch as his Excellency has made his way to this high office not through wealth, family, or friends, but purely by reason of his well-known great virtues, learning, and experience in affairs of state.
HERMAN. Tres humble servitoor!
SECOND LAWYER. Especially do we rejoice that we have now an administration endowed not only with almost godlike understanding—
HERMAN. I thank God—
SECOND LAWYER.—but one who has the reputation of being friendly to all and of making it his greatest delight to hear the people's grievances and to help to right them. I may say that I almost fainted with joy when I first heard the news that the choice had fallen on Burgomaster von Bremen.
HENRICH. You must say "Bremenfeld," gentlemen.
SECOND LAWYER. I humbly beg your pardon: I should say, "Burgomaster von Bremenfeld." To-day we have come here, in the first place to extend our respectful congratulations; in the second place to consult your Magnificence on a difference that has arisen between our clients, which difference we had both agreed to have judged according to the common law of the land and the statutes. But we subsequently changed our mind and decided, in order to save time and costs, to submit ourselves to your judgment, and we promise to abide by that.
(Herman sits down, leaving the others standing.)
FIRST LAWYER. Our clients are neighbors, but there is running water separating their land. Now it happened that three years ago the water loosened a large piece of earth from my client's estate and deposited it on my opponent's field. Shall he now own it? Is it not stated: Nemo alterius damno debet locupletari? Here his client wishes to enrich himself at my client's expense, which aperte conflicts with aequitatem naturalem. Is that not so, Mr. Burgomaster?
HERMAN. Of course; it is unjust to ask that. You are right, monsieur!
SECOND LAWYER. But does not Justinian say expressly, libro secundoInstitutionum, titulo prima, de Alluvione…
HERMAN. What the deuce do I care for what Justinian or Alexander the Great says? They lived a few thousand years, perhaps, before Hamburg was founded. How can they decide in cases which didn't exist in their time?
SECOND LAWYER. I hope, however, that your Honor is not going to reject the laws that all Germany has submitted to.
HERMAN. That was not the way I meant it; you misunderstood me, I only meant to say—(He has a coughing fit.) Kindly continue your case.
SECOND LAWYER. There are the words of Justinian: Quod per alluvionem agro tuo flumen adjecit, jure gentium tibi acquiritur.
HERMAN. Mr. Lawyer, you speak so devilish fast—say that over, more distinctly. (The lawyer repeats the Latin slowly.) Monsieur, you have a devilish bad Latin pronunciation. Speak your mother-tongue, and you will do better. I don't say this because I have any prejudice against Latin, for I sometimes sit and talk Latin with my servant for hours at a time. Isn't that so, Henrich?
HENRICH. It is wonderful to hear his Honor talk Latin; I swear the tears come into my eyes when I think of it. It is like listening to peas boiling in a pot, the words come so quickly from his mouth. The devil himself doesn't know how a man can manage to talk so fluently. But what won't long practice do for you?
SECOND LAWYER. Justinian's words, your Magnificence, are as follows: Whatsoever a river wears off another's field and casts up on yours, that belongs to you.
HERMAN. Yes, Justinian is right so far, for he was a fine man. I have much too much respect for him to question his decision.
FIRST LAWYER. But, your Honor, my opponent interprets law as the devil does the Bible. He forgets what follows right after: Per alluvionem autem videtur id adjici, quod ita paulatim adjicitur, ut intellegere non possis, quantum quoquo temporis momenta adjiciatur.
HERMAN. Messieurs! I must go to the City Hall. The clock has just struck half-past four. Henrich! See to it that you adjust this suit in the entry.
FIRST LAWYER. Ah, your Honor! Give us your opinion in a word.
HERMAN. Messieurs, you are both right, each one in his own way.
SECOND LAWYER. How can we both be right? I maintain that if I am right, my antagonist is wrong. The law of Justinian is expressly in my favor.
HERMAN. Excuse me, I must be off to the City Hall immediately.
FIRST LAWYER (seizing hold of him). I have certainly proved thatJustinian's opinion is on my side.
HERMAN. Yes, that is so. Justinian is for both of you. Why the devil, then, don't you compromise? You don't know Justinian as well as I do; when he wears the mantle on both shoulders, it is as much as to say: Get out, you scurvy-necks, and compromise!
SECOND LAWYER. Your Honor, in order to grasp the jurist's meaning correctly, one must compare one article with another. Is it not written in the very next paragraph: Quodsi vis fluminis de tuo praedio—?
HERMAN. Here, let me go, you pettifoggers! Don't you hear me say I must go to the City Hall?
FIRST LAWYER. Oh, your Honor! A moment! Let us now hear what HugoGrotius says.
HERMAN. To the devil with both you and Hugo Grotius! What have I to do with Hugo Grotius? He was an Arminian. What in the devil have laws to do with us that people make way off in Armenia? Henrich, put them straight out the door. [Exeunt Lawyers.
(Henrich remains in the entry squabbling with some one, then shoots in headfirst, followed by a man dressed up as a woman.)
WOMAN (taking the Burgomaster by the lapels of his and screaming). Oh, what kind of a government is this that passes such damnable laws that a man may have two wives? Do you think that the judgment of God isn't on you?
HERMAN. Are you mad, woman? Who the devil ever thought of such a thing?
WOMAN. Hey, hey, hey! I shall not go away until I have your heart's blood!
HERMAN. A—ah, help! Henrich! Peiter!
(Enter Peiter. He drags the woman off. Henrich, who has been hiding, finally comes on and helps him out. Exeunt struggling.)
HERMAN. Henrich, there will be trouble for you if you let in any more women or lawyers after this, for both of them kill me in their own way. If any others come and want to talk to me, you must tell them to be careful not to talk Latin, as I have given it up for a special reason.
HENRICH. I have given it up, too, for just the same reason.
HERMAN. You can say that I talk only Greek.
(Another knock. Henrich goes to the door and returns with a huge bundle of papers.)
HENRICH. Here is a heap of papers from the syndics, which the burgomaster must look over and give his opinion on.
(Herman sits down at a table and fumbles among the papers.)
HERMAN. It isn't so easy to be a burgomaster as I thought, Henrich. I've got some things here to look over that the devil himself couldn't make sense of. (Begins to write, gets sweat from his brow, sits down, and scratches out what he wrote before.) Henrich!
HENRICH. Mr. Burgomaster!
HERMAN. What's that noise you are making? Can't you keep quiet?
HENRICH. I'm not moving, Mr. Burgomaster.
HERMAN (gets up, wipes his face, and throws his wig upon the floor, to see if he can think better with his head bare. He steps over the wig, kicks it to one side, sits down to write again, and calls out). Henrich!
HENRICH. Mr. Burgomaster!
HERMAN. You 'll get into trouble if you don't stand still. That's the second time you have interrupted my train of thought.
HENRICH. Honestly I didn't do anything but tuck my shirt in and measure on my leg how much too long my livery coat is.
HERMAN (gets up again and pummels his forehead with his fists to make the thoughts come). Henrich!
HENRICH. Mr. Burgomaster!
HERMAN. Go out and tell the women that are hawking oysters on the street that they mustn't yell in the street I live in, because they disturb my political deliberations.
HENRICH (calls from the doorway, three times in succession). Listen, you oyster-women! You rabble! You carrion! You shameless wenches! You married men's whores! Is there no decency in you, that you dare to yell like that in the burgomaster's street and disturb him in his business?
HERMAN. Henrich!
HENRICH. Mr. Burgomaster!
HERMAN. Shut up, you brute!
HENRICH. It does no good, anyhow, to shout any more, because the town is full of people like that, and as soon as one goes by another comes in his place and—
HERMAN. No more talk. Stand still and keep your mouth shut. (Sits down, and again scratches out what he has written; writes more, gets up, stamps in anger, and calls.) Henrich!
HENRICH. Mr. Burgomaster!
HERMAN. I wish the devil would run off with this burgomastership. Do you want to be burgomaster in my place?
HENRICH. I'd rather be damned. (Aside.) And any one who would want the office deserves to be damned.
HERMAN (tries to sit down and go on writing, but he absent-mindedly picks the wrong place and lands on the floor). Henrich!
HENRICH. Mr. Burgomaster!
HERMAN. I'm lying on the floor.
HENRICH. So I see.
HERMAN. Come help me up.
HENRICH. But the burgomaster has just said I mustn't move from whereI stand.
HERMAN. That boy is damnable. (Gets up unassisted.) Isn't some one knocking?
HENRICH. Yes. (Goes to the door.) Whom do you want?
CITIZEN (off stage). I am the alderman of the hatters' guild, and I have a complaint to make to the burgomaster.
HENRICH. Here's the alderman of the hatters with some grievances.
HERMAN. Oh, I can't keep more than one thing in my head at a time.Ask him what it is. (Henrich asks what he wants.)
CITIZEN. It's too long. I must speak to the burgomaster in person. It can be attended to in an hour, for my complaint consists of only twenty points.
HENRICH. He says he must talk to the burgomaster in person, for his point consists of only twenty complaints.
HERMAN. Oh, God help me, poor man, I am all jumbled up in my head already. Let him in.
(Enter the Citizen.)
CITIZEN. Ah, honored Burgomaster, poor man that I am, I have suffered great injustice, which the burgomaster will at once understand when he has heard about it.
HERMAN. You must put it in writing.
CITIZEN. Here it is, all written out, in four sheets.
HERMAN. Henrich! Some one is knocking again.
HENRICH. Whom do you want to talk to?
ANOTHER CITIZEN (off stage). I have a complaint to lodge before the burgomaster against the alderman of the hatters' guild.
HERMAN. Who is that, Henrich?
HENRICH. It is this man's adversary.
Herman. Make him hand you his memorial. Both you good men wait in the anteroom meanwhile.
[Exit the Citizen.
HERMAN. Henrich!
HENRICH. Yes, sir!
HERMAN. Can't you help me put this to rights? I don't know what to do first. Read aloud that hatter's statement.
HENRICH (falteringly reads). "Noble, learned, stern, and steadfast Burgomaster. As the first-fruits of the worthy company of lawful citizens of this glorious city, I the undersigned, N. N., present myself, unworthy Alderman of the worthy Hatters' Guild; and after having extended congratulations both respectful and hearty on a man so worthy and highly raised on high to so height, in deepest humility submit for your consideration one of the greatest, most dangerous, and abominable abuses which wicked times and still more wicked men have brought into practice in this city, in hope that your Magnificence will afford a remedy. This, then, is the case: The hucksters here in the city, utterly without fear or shame, openly sell and offer for sale whole pieces of a sort of cloth which they cause to be woven of beaver—indeed they even descend to the dismal audacity of having stockings made of it—though it is well known that beaver-hair belongs exclusively to our profession, whereby we poor hatters are unable at any price to obtain the hair necessary for the pursuit of our means of subsistence, especially as good people have got into such a way that few will pay, as they used to do, from ten to twenty rix-dollars for a hat, to the irreparable damage of the reputation and profit of our trade. If it might now please his Magnificence the Burgomaster to consider the appended twenty-four weighty causes and reasons which have led us hat-makers presumably to presume that we alone are entitled to work in beaver, to wit:
(1) that since ancient times it has been a universal usage and custom of the country, not only this country but over the whole world, to wear beaver hats, as can be proved by manifold citations from history and by legally sworn witnesses, (a) As to history—"
HERMAN. Skip the history.
HENRICH. "(b) As to witnesses, Adrian Nilsen, in the seventy-ninth year of his age, can remember that his father's great-grandfather said—"
HERMAN. Skip what he said, too.
HENRICH. "(2) That it is an immoderate luxury to use such expensive hair for stockings and clothes, a practice at variance with all good order and usage, especially since there are so many expensive cloths imported from England, France, and Holland that one might well be satisified without depriving an honest man of his living—"
HERMAN. Enough, enough! Henrich! I see that the master is right.
HENRICH. But I have heard that an official ought always to hear both sides before he makes his decision. Shall I not read the opponents' retort also?
HERMAN. To be sure. (He hands him the other memorial.)
HENRICH (reads). "High-born Excellency, highly enlightened and highly statesmanlike Burgomaster. As high as your understanding soars above others', so high soared my joy above others' when I heard that you had become burgomaster; but what I have come for is because the hatters are annoying me and do not want to let me sell fabrics and stockings made of beaver. I understand well enough what they want: they want to have the business in beaver all to themselves and have beaver used for nothing but hats; but they do not understand the situation. It is idiotic to wear beaver hats: men go about with them under their arms, they are neither warm nor useful, and a straw hat would do just as well. On the other hand, beaver stockings and clothing are both warm and soft, and if the burgomaster had only tried them, as he may in time, he would see for himself."
HERMAN. Stop, that is enough; this man is right, too.
HENRICH. But I am sure they can't both be right.
HERMAN. Which is right, then?
HENRICH. That our Lord and the burgomaster must know.
HERMAN (gets up and walks to and fro). This is devilish nonsense,Henrich! Can't you tell me, you stupid animal, who is right? Whyshould I give a dog like you board and wages? (A racket outside.)What's the noise in the hall?
HENRICH. The two citizens have each other by the hair.
HERMAN. Go out and bid them respect the burgomaster's house.
HENRICH. It is better, sir, to let them fight, so they may perhaps become good friends again all the sooner. Gracious! I think they will break in; listen how they are beating on the door! (Herman crawls under the table.) Who knocks?
A LACKEY (outside). I have come from a foreign resident. My master has something to discuss with the burgomaster which is most important.
HENRICH. Where the deuce is the burgomaster? Has the devil flown off with the burgomaster? Mr. Burgomaster!
HERMAN (under the tables-whispering). Henrich! Who was that?
HENRICH. A foreign president wants to talk with your Honor.
HERMAN. Tell him to come again in half an hour, and say that there are two hat-makers here to see me whom I must despatch. Henrich! Ask the citizens to go away till to-morrow. Oh, God help me, poor man! I am so jumbled up in my head that I don't know myself what I am saying or doing. Can't you help me to get it straightened out, Henrich?
HENRICH (returning from the door), I know no better advice for hisHonor than to go and hang himself.
HERMAN. Go and get me The Political Stockfish. It is lying on the sitting-room table—a German book in a white binding. Perhaps I can find in it how I should receive foreign presidents.
HENRICH. Does the burgomaster want mustard and butter with it?
HERMAN. No, it is a book in a white binding. (Exit Henrich. While he is gone Herman absent-mindedly tears the hatters' document to pieces. Reenter Henrich with the book.}
HENRICH. Here is the book. But what is it, sir, that you are tearing up? I believe it's the master hatters' complaint.
HERMAN. Oh, I did that without thinking. (He takes the book and throws it on the floor.) I believe, Henrich, I had better take your advice and hang myself.
HENRICH. Oh, Lord! Another knock! (Exit. Reenter in tears.) Oh, Mr.Burgomaster! Help, Mr. Burgomaster!
HERMAN. What's up?
HENRICH. There is a whole regiment of sailors in front of the door yelling, "If we don't get justice, we shall smash all the burgomaster's windows in." One of them hit me in the back with a stone. Oh, oh, oh!
HERMAN (crawls under the table again). Henrich, ask Madam Burgomaster to come hold them in check. They may show respect for a woman.
HENRICH. Yes, yes, you shall see how much respect sailors have for a woman. If she goes out there, they may rape her, and then you would be worse off in the end than you were in the beginning.
HERMAN. Oh, but she is an old woman.
HENRICH. Sailors aren't so particular. I shouldn't risk my wife like that. They are knocking again. Shall I open the door?
HERMAN. No, I'm afraid it's the sailors. Oh, I wish I were in my grave. Henrich, run to the door and listen to see who it is.
HENRICH. Look, they are coming right in. It is two councillors.