AFTER A STORM COMES A CALM.Comedietta, in One Act.DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.MAJORPELICAN.DR. VICESSIMUSPRETTYWELL.JOSEPH(a servant).MRS. PELICAN.MRS. MAJORPELICAN.FANNY.SCENE.—Major Pelican’s Villa in St. John’s Wood.A handsomely furnished apartment. Door atC., doorsR.H. andL.H.; a window at back, atR.C.JOSEPH(discovered lounging in an easy-chair, his legs upon another, a newspaper open in his hand). Now, then, for a quiet squint at the sporting intelligence. See if I can’t pick out a likely one for the Great Cricklewood Handicap. (Bell rings atL.H.) Of course! No indulging in literary pursuits in this house! That’s the young missus’s bell, and she can’t bear being kept waiting. Well, I suppose it’s only natural for young people to be impatient (getting up and going towardsL.H.; bell atR.H. is heard to ring). Now the old lady’s at it, and she’s always in a hurry, she is! Well, I suppose old people can’t afford to wait (going towards doorR.H.; bell atL.H. rings again, then the bell atR.H.; then both bells are rung violently;JOSEPHrunning backward and forward).EnterMAJORPELICANatC.MAJOR. Well, Joseph, don’t you hear the bell?JOSEPH. I hear two of them, sir.MAJOR. Then why don’t you go?JOSEPH. I don’t know which way to go, sir! I can’t answer both bells at once, sir! (here both bells are heard to ring again).EnterDR. PRETTYWELLatC.JOSEPH(toMAJOR). What am I to do, sir?DOCTOR(coming down). Do what you are doing now!JOSEPH. I ain’t doing nothing, sir.DOCTOR. Then keep on doing nothing. It’s about the best thing youcando.JOSEPH. But I shall catch it frombothmy missusses, sir!DOCTOR. At first perhaps youwill;but when they find they’ve both fared alike, they’ll each feel secretly flattered by the inattention you show to the other. Go to your work.JOSEPH. Yes, sir.[Exit atC.DOCTOR. Well, friend Jeremiah!MAJOR. Well, friend Vicessimus!DOCTOR. I seem to have dropped in at rather an unlucky moment; but frankly, if I were to wait till your domestic barometer pointed to “calm and settled” weather, I’m afraid my visits wouldn’t be very frequent.MAJOR. True, my dear doctor.DOCTOR. I don’t know how you manage it, but you generally contrive to have a thunder-storm, more or less violent, rumbling over this house of yours.MAJOR. True again, and I’ll tell you why. Because this “house of mine,” as you call it, is constantly exposed to two discordant elements from opposite directions, but invariably coming into contact and explodinghere!DOCTOR. I don’t exactly understand.MAJOR. It’s very simple. Living here with my mother and my wife, whobothclaim to be “monarch of all they survey,” I, the master of the house—DOCTOR. Find yourself cutting rather a contemptible figure—eh?MAJOR. Very much so. It would be easy enough to do as Georgina wishes,ormy mother, but to do as theybothwish is impossible, for the simple reason that no two women ever wish the same thing,consequently,the result is anger on one side, sulky looks on the other; one invokes her title of “mother,” the other her privileges of “wife;” consequently, between the two—DOCTOR. You come in for more kicks than half-pence?MAJOR. Considerably more! In fact,allkicks.DOCTOR. And yet I don’t know a more charming, amiable person than your excellent mother. I’ve known and admired her for more than thirty years; in fact, had it depended on me, I might very possibly have been your father.MAJOR. Thank you. But I’m very well satisfied as I am; besides, the thing couldn’t be done now.DOCTOR. Not conveniently! However, she preferred marrying the “author of your being,” so there was an end of my romance! But to return to these unfortunate domestic quarrels; from what I know of your mother, I am convinced the fault lies with your wife.MAJOR. And from what I know of my wife, I’m certain it lies with my mother.DOCTOR. Then, my good friend, why not at once put an end to these personal and conjugal troubles of yours?MAJOR. How?DOCTOR. Simply thus. Appoint one of the two contending parties—no matter which—to the sole control of your domestic affairs; support her authority through thick and thin, give her credit for always being right, even when she’s wrong, and the thing’s done!MAJOR. A very good plan, I dare say, but, unluckily, it’s impracticable.DOCTOR. Why?MAJOR. Because it would require a considerable amount ofpluckto carry it out, and I hain’t got an atom.DOCTOR. Nonsense! You’ve only to show a proper spirit.MAJOR. How can I do that when I hain’t any spiritat all?DOCTOR. Pshaw! Recollect, Nero was a perfect lamb at starting, and yet he fiddled when Rome was burning.MAJOR. But I’m not a Nero! Besides, I hain’t got a fiddle, and I couldn’t fiddle if I had.MRS. P.}(from roomsR. andL.—together). Joseph! Joseph!MRS. MAJOR.DOCTOR. Here they both come! Do as I tell you, pluck up a proper spirit; in the mean time I’ll beat a retreat (runs out atC.).MAJOR(shouting after him). Coward! to leave me alone to the mercy of two exasperated females!EnterMRS. PELICANhurriedly atR.H.MRS. P. This is perfectly intolerable!MRS. MAJOR. It’s absolutely unbearable! (entering hurriedly atL.H.).MRS. P. To take no notice of my bell!MRS. MAJOR. What’s the use of my ringing?MRS. P. Oh! here you are, son Jeremiah.MAJOR. Yes, my dear mother; (aside) and I devoutly wish I was anywhere else!MRS. P. (turning him round towards her). I appeal to you to see that my authority in this house is respected!MAJOR(with pretended surprise). What! Has any one dared—MRS. MAJOR(turning him towards her). I presume you won’t allowmeto be treated with inattention?MAJOR. (with pretended surprise again). What! Has any one presumed—MRS. P. (aside to him). But what’s the matter with your wife? She seems out of temper!MAJOR. Yes! because Joseph didn’t attend to her summons at once. Whenyourequire him, he knows better than to dothat!MRS. MAJOR(aside to him). Your mother appears annoyed at something or other?MAJOR. No wonder! Joseph didn’t answer her bell. He knows better than keepyouwaiting. (Aside.) What a humbug I am!MRS. P. By-the-bye, Jeremiah, I have ordered dinner an hour later to-day.MRS. MAJOR. Indeed? and for what reason, pray?MRS. P. Because it suits me.MAJOR. Oh! of course, my dear Georgina, if it suits her—MRS. MAJOR. But it doesn’t suitme.I expect Mr. Simcox, the jeweller, early this evening, and cannot dine later than five.MAJOR. Oh! of course, my dear mother, if she expects Mr. Simcox—MRS. P. It’s too late now, the dinner will be served at six o’clock.MRS. MAJOR. I won’t give way! It will be on the table at five.MRS. P. Six.MRS. MAJOR. Five.MAJOR(aside). There they are again! hard at it! hammer and tongs!EnterJOSEPH,running, atC.JOSEPH. Please, ma’am, please, sir, here’s Miss Fanny just driven up in a cab from the station!MRS. P. Fanny!MAJOR. What can have brought her back?FANNY(heard speaking off atC.). Gently, my good man, with that box! My best hat’s in it! such a beauty too! (runs in atC.; she is in a light summer travelling costume). Here I am! How astonished you all look! Ha! ha! ha! (Running toMRS. MAJORP.) Dear Georgina! so glad to see you once again (kissing her—Nodding toMAJOR). How do, brother Jeremiah? and you, dear mamma? (about to kissMRS. PELICAN).MRS. P. (stiffly). I was not aware, miss, that it was usual for a well-educated young lady to address her sister-in-law before her mother!FANNY. Did I? So sorry, dear mamma. I really didn’t see you at first.MAJOR(aside). I’m sure she’s big enough!FANNY(holding up her face toMRS. P.). Well, mamma, won’t you kiss me? (Slyly.) You know you’re punishing yourself as well as me.MRS. P. Who can resist the dear child? (kissingFANNY). But we thought your visit to your Cheltenham friends was intended to last another week?FANNY. So it was, but they were obliged to return to town, so they brought me with them, put my luggage into a cab at the station, me on the top—I mean my luggage on the top—and here I am!EnterJOSEPHatL.H.JOSEPH. Luncheon is on the table, sir.MRS. P. Very well, Joseph. (Aside toMAJOR.) Don’t forget what I said about the dinner.MAJOR(aside to her). All right; six o’clock, sharp!MRS. MAJOR(aside toMAJOR). Remember what I decided about the dinner-hour!MAJOR(aside to her). All right; five o’clock, sharp! (Aside.) Between the two the chances are I sha’n’t get any dinner at all![ExeuntMRS. PELICANandMAJORatR.H.FANNY. I’m so glad we’re alone at last, Georgina; we can have a nice long chat together all alone; and I’ve such a lot to tell you!MRS. MAJOR. Well, I’m all attention! But first, how did you enjoy your trip to Cheltenham?FANNY. Not much. I found it rather slow. Nothing but a collection of bilious-looking fogies being wheeled about in Bath-chairs. But never mind that; I’ve something else to talk about!MRS. MAJOR(smiling). Something very serious, no doubt.FANNY. Awfully serious! Listen! At the very first ball I went to at the Assembly-rooms—MRS. MAJOR. A very brilliant affair, of course!FANNY. Really, Georgina, if you keep on interrupting me in this sort of way—MRS. MAJOR. I beg your pardon! Well?FANNY. Well, at my very first ball I danced with a gentleman once or twice—perhaps three or four times.MRS. MAJOR. Young, of course (smiling).FANNY. Rather!MRS. MAJOR. Handsome?FANNY(very quickly). Very! Well, judge of my surprise when, the very next morning, as I was sitting in the drawing-room, the door opened and the servant announced “Captain Boodle!”MRS. MAJOR. The “young gentleman?” (smiling).FANNY. Yes.MRS. MAJOR. Perhaps you had given him your address?FANNY(indignantly). Not I, indeed! He didn’t ask for it, or perhaps I might! Well, the next morning he called again, and the following morning, and the morning after that—in short, every morning—and as I was always in the drawing-room, of course quite by accident—MRS. MAJOR. You naturally became quite intimate—familiar and chatty.FANNY.Hedidn’t.Idid all thechattingpart! Never did I see any one so timid, so bashful, as Boodle. When hedidtry to say something, there he’d stand stammering and stuttering and blushing like a school-girl! But although his tongue didn’t say much, hiseyesdid!MRS. MAJOR(smiling). And they said, “I love you?”FANNY. Distinctly! Well, I thought to myself it’s not a bit of use going on like this. It’s quite evident the poor manworships the very ground I tread upon. So when he called next day, and I told him, intremulous accents,of course, that I was going away, the effect was magical. First he turned pale, then red, then blue; then he let his hat fall, then his umbrella, then himself—on both his knees, at both my feet, and there, I believe, he would have remained till further notice, if I hadn’t said to him, “Augustus”—his name is Augustus—“I won’t pretend to misunderstand you. You love me! I am yours!”MRS. MAJOR. What! Such an act of thoughtlessness, of indiscretion, on your part!FANNY. Perhaps it was, but I know this: it quite cured him of his timidity; for when he oncedidbegin, I never heard anybody’s tongue rattle on at such a rate as his did—never!MRS. MAJOR. And the result, I presume, was—FANNY. That we both, then and there, exchanged vows of constancy and locks of hair! His is rather red, by-the-bye! But I see mamma coming!MRS. MAJOR. Then I’ll retire. Seeing us closeted together would only arouse her ridiculous jealousy.FANNY. And I’ll see if I can’t find an opportunity to slip in a word about Augustus. In the mean time you’ll keep my secret?MRS. MAJOR. Religiously! for your sake (going up).FANNY. And Boodle’s.MRS. MAJOR(turning and smiling). And Boodle’s.[Exit atC.EnterMRS. PELICANatR.H.MRS. P. Oh, here you are, Fanny!FANNY. Yes, mamma! and quite alone.MRS. P.Now!But you were not alone.FANNY. No, dear Georgina was with me.MRS. P. And “dear Georgina,” no doubt, lost no opportunity of prejudicing you against your mother!FANNY. Oh, mamma! (reproachfully).MRS. P. But fortunately you will not long be exposed to her pernicious influence.FANNY. Oh, mamma!MRS. P. Bring a chair and sit down by me.FANNY(sitting down byMRS. PELICAN’Sside—aside). I wonder what’s coming?MRS. P. I have something serious to say to you, Fanny.FANNY. So have I to you, mamma—veryserious!MRS. P. Indeed! In the mean time, as I happen to be your mother, and you, consequently, happen to be my daughter, perhaps you’ll allow me to beginfirst?FANNY. Certainly.MRS. P. Then listen. Although you are still very young—FANNY. Nineteen next birthday, mamma.MRS. P. Don’t interrupt me! Although you are still young, I have been reflecting a good deal lately on that all-important subject, your future settlement in life!FANNY(quickly). So have I, mamma! (Aside.) I shall be able to get in a word presently about Augustus!MRS. P. In other words, don’t you consider it high time you thought of matrimony?FANNY(very quickly). Ido,mamma! I’m always thinking of it!MRS. P. But of course it isn’t likelyyoucan have any one in your eyeyet!FANNY. I beg your pardon! Ihave!MRS. P. (severely). What’s that you say?FANNY. That is—I mean—of course I hain’t! (Aside.) It won’t do to say anything about Augustus yet; I must keep him dark!MRS. P. Then you have no positive antipathy to the married state?FANNY. I should think not, indeed! (very quickly).MRS. P. (severely). My dear, I’m really surprised to hear awell-educated young lady express herself in such, I might almost say indelicate, terms. But to return; I need not say I would not encourage any candidate for your hand who was not deserving of you.FANNY. Of course not, mamma! Hemustbe worthy of such a treasure!MRS. P. Tolerably young, and not absolutely ill-looking!FANNY(eagerly). Certainly not! (Aside.) I call Augustus decidedlygood-looking!MRS. P. And in the possession of ample means.FANNY(aside). Augustus has got ever so much already, besides two rich maiden aunts and an aged godmother!MRS. P. All of which qualifications are, fortunately, in the possession of Sir Marmaduke Mangle!FANNY. Sir Marmaduke Mangle? Lor, mamma, you can’t mean that little old man we met at Brighton, with a bad cough, a wig, and a canary-colored complexion?MRS. P. He’s not old by any means, and is onlyslightlycanary-colored after all! However, he has seen you, he admires you, and offers you his hand, his heart, his title, and his fortune!FANNY. But I don’t lovehim,mamma! I nevercouldlove him—even if I didn’t love somebody else!MRS. P. (starting). What’s that I hear? You love somebody else?FANNY. Yes, and one who lovesme,and one I’m determined to marry, or die an old maid. There!MRS. P. (angrily). Silence, miss!FANNY(impatiently). I won’t silence! If you think Sir Marmaduke such a very great catch, marry him yourself! I’ll consent to it, and give you away into the bargain! It’s quite evident you were never in love!MRS. P. I beg your pardon! Iwas,intensely, with a youthful doctor! (Aside.) Poor Vicessimus! Ah! (giving a long sigh).Nevertheless, I married your father—and we were not soveryunhappy, considering! (ToFANNY,who is about to speak.) Not another word! My mind is made up, so the sooner you make upyoursto become Lady Mangle the better!EnterMRS. MAJORandMAJORatC., followed byJOSEPH.MRS. MAJOR. Nothing so simple, Joseph! Tell Mary to put up a bed for Miss Fanny in her mamma’s room!MRS. P. (sharply). What’s that? Put up a bed in my room?MRS. MAJOR. Yes! Why not?MRS. P. Because I won’t allow it!MAJOR(aside). There they are, at it again!FANNY. But why can’t I have my own snug little room?MRS. MAJOR. The fact is, I have made a work-room of it for myself; besides, Fanny’s proper place is with her mother.MRS. P. Quite out of the question! The slightest noise disturbs my sleep.FANNY. But I sleep so very quietly, mamma—you’d scarcely hear me breathe;Idon’t, and as for snoring—MRS. P. I won’t hear another word.MAJOR. But, hang it all, Fanny must sleepsomewhere!She requires a horizontal position as much as other people.MRS. P. Then let her find one—but not inmyroom!MRS. MAJOR. I insist on my wishes being carried out.FANNY(aside toMAJOR). Oh, brother Jeremiah, if I was only in your place just for five minutes!MAJOR(aside). She’s quite right! I’m master here after all, confound it! If I’mnot, I ought to be; and if I ought to be, Iwillbe, confound it! (Aloud, and assuming an authoritative manner.) My patience is exhausted! Anarchy has presided too long over my domestic hearth.FANNY(aside to him). Confound it!MAJOR. Confound it!MRS. P.}Quite true!MRS. MAJOR.MAJOR. And henceforth I’m determined to be master of my own house. (FANNYwhispers him.) Confound it!MAJOR. But there must be a mistress as well.MRS. P.}Of course! Well (anxiously), decide between us.MRS. MAJOR.MAJOR. That’s what I’m going to do. (Aside.) It’s really very awkward! My mother screams loudest, but my wife screams longest; besides, I only hear my mother in the day, whereas my wife—MRS. P. (toMAJOR). Well? which of the two is to be mistress here?MRS. MAJOR. Yes, which of the two?MAJOR(after a violent effort). My wife! There! I’ve said it. (FANNYwhispers him.) Confound it!MRS. P. Ah! (screaming and falling into a chair).MRS. MAJOR. Come, major, and as your reward you shall hear me issue my orders in such a style.[Exit atL.H., hurryingMAJORwith her, and calling, as she goes out,Joseph! Mary! Sophia!MRS. P. (suddenly starting up from her chair). So! she—she’sto be everybody, andI’mto be nobody! a cipher, a nonentity! Was there ever such ingratitude? I, who left my own home to live with them, without even waiting to be asked, to give them the benefit of my experience, to take upon myself the entire control of their domestic affairs—nay, even to carry my maternal affection so far as not to allow either of them to interfere in anything whatever!FANNY(aside). Poor dear mamma! she doesn’t see that’s the very reason why everything went wrong.MRS. P. But I’ll forget them, I’ll renounce them, I’ll cast them off, I’ll abandon them to their unhappy fate; and when you’re comfortably married, dear, I’ll come and live withyou(throwing her arms roundFANNY,who tries to speak). No thanks, I see you are literally bursting with gratitude; but I amrewarded already! I feel it here—here! (striking her breast, then flings her arms roundFANNYagain, and hurries out atR.H.).FANNY. Mercy on us! here’s a pretty piece of business! Live with me when I am married! Poor Augustus! he little suspects what a rod there is in pickle for him! It’s all Jeremiah’s fault, and it’s poor little I who am punished.DOCTOR(without). In the parlor, is she? Very well!FANNY. Surely that’s dear Doctor Prettywell’s voice!EnterDOCTORatC.DOCTOR. Ah! my dear young friend, delighted to see you!FANNY. Not more than I am to see you, doctor!DOCTOR. But let me look at you. How we’re grown! I declare we’re quite a young woman!FANNY. Yes, doctor.DOCTOR. And a very pretty one, too!FANNY. Yes, doctor.DOCTOR(looking intently atFANNY). She’s the very image of her mother as shewasthirty years ago; the same soft blue eyes, before she took to spectacles, the same fairy form, before it filled out, the same alabaster brow, before the wrinkles set in!FANNY(aside). How earnestly he looks at me! I hope I hain’t fascinatedhimas well as Sir Marmaduke! (Suddenly.) Goodness me! what ifheshould be the “youthful doctor” mamma was speaking about? (DOCTORlooks at her again and gives a loud sigh.) What a sigh! It must be he. He may still have some lingering affection for her; the flame may not bequiteburnt out; there may be a tiny spark left which a little gentleblowingmay rekindle into a blaze. It isn’t very likely; still, I may as well try what a little “blowing” may do.DOCTOR. Well, now that your education is completed, and you’ve come home brimful of accomplishments, of course you’ll go into society, and, like other young ladies, pick up a husband?FANNY(with affected indifference). A husband? Not I, indeed! I’ve never even thought of such a thing! (Aside.) I had no idea I could fib so well! (Aloud.) No, doctor! I’ve too much regard for my own tranquillity, my own peace of mind!DOCTOR. Hoity-toity! Who’s been putting such nonsense into your head?FANNY. Why, you yourself never ventured on matrimony!DOCTOR. No! because I—I— Heigh-ho! (giving a loud sigh).FANNY(aside, and smiling). The “tiny spark” is gradually getting into a blaze! I did quite right in trying the effect of a little “blowing!” (Aloud.) Besides, I have come to the conclusion, from considerable personal experience, that the male sex in general—I mean, taken in alump—is no better than it should be.DOCTOR(laughing). Indeed!FANNY. I’m sorry to say they’re a false, fickle, perfidiouslot!They gain a poor confiding woman’s heart only to trifle with it and trample on it! Poor dear mamma! I am no longer surprised at your little fits of temper—at your discontent with everything and everybody—now that I know the sad circumstances which blighted your youth and cast a gloom over your after-life! (with affected pathos).DOCTOR(aside). What do I hear? (Aloud, and anxiously.) Has your mother, then, revealed?FANNY. No; but she might just as well, because I was sure to find it out.DOCTOR. Find outwhat?FANNY. A lot of things! Ah, doctor! if you had only heard her sigh as I have!DOCTOR. Sigh?FANNY. Yes; but that’s not all. Poor mamma! You’d hardly believe the number of pearly drops I’ve seen fall from her poor eyes into her teacup.DOCTOR. Pearly drops?FANNY. Butthat’snot all! (In a very mysterious manner.) Ionce heard her, when she little thought I was listening, say, in faltering accents, “Ah! if he had really loved me, would he not have declared his passion when I became a widow?”DOCTOR. Did she? (Aside.) She loves me still! Dear Cleopatra!FANNY. Who can she mean? I should so like to know. Perhaps, doctor, you’ll help me to find out; but here she comes (looking towardsC.DOCTORgives a violent start). Why, what’s the matter?DOCTOR. Nothing; only a sort of a kind of a—of a—I scarcely know whether I am standing on my head or my heels!FANNY. On your head, of course!DOCTOR. I thought so.MRS. P. (heard without). Joseph! Joseph!DOCTOR(aside). I can’t meet her yet. The agitation—the trepidation—the perturbation—the—FANNY. Perhaps you’d better retire, doctor, (aside) or else he’ll be flopping down on his knees to mamma before I’ve prepared her for the shock!EnterMRS. PELICANatR.H., followed byJOSEPH.MRS. P. Joseph, inform your master that I shall dine in my own apartment.[JOSEPHbows and goes outR.H.DOCTORmeetsMRS. PELICANas she comes down—looks tenderly at her—clasps his hands, and gives a deep sigh; then hurries up—stops again atC.—turns—gives her another tender look—another deep sigh, and hurries out atC.MRS. P. (watchingDOCTORin astonishment). Why, what’s the matter with the man?FANNY(aside). It’syourturn now, mamma! You wanted to get a husband forme;so as one good turn deserves another, I’ll see if I can’t find one foryou!MRS. P. (aside). I must find out who this “girlish fancy” of hers is. (Aloud.) Come here, Fanny. Of courseyourhappiness is all I desire!FANNY. And it’s allIdesire too, mamma!MRS. P. Then have confidence in your mother—youronlymother! Tell me the name of the young man who has won your affections.FANNY. You asked me if I had any one in my eye, and I said Ihad,but I didn’t tell you he was ayoungman. The fact is, mamma, I’ve been so often told that I am so giddy, so thoughtless, so flighty, that I selected some one ofmatureryears; he would give me the benefit of his experience—his advice—his—his—MRS. P. Maturer years?FANNY. Yes! Besides, he has known me so long!—ever since I was a tiny little mite. He used to dandle me on his knee, and buy me dolls and toys and sweeties and hardbake and elecampane, and all that sort of thing!MRS. P. (aside). Known her for years! (Suddenly.) Mercy on us! can she be alluding to “Vicessimus?”FANNY. But, ma dear, that which attracted more than all was the respectful, I may say theaffectionate,terms in which he always speaks ofyou.MRS. P. Does he? (Aside.) Poor fluttering heart, be still! Dear Vicessimus! He hain’t, then, quite forgot his Cleopatra! (Aloud.) But is DOCTORPRETTYWELL—for it surely must beheto whom your remarks apply—FANNY. Yes, mamma.MRS. P. (aside). I thought so. (Aloud.) Is he aware of your somewhat foolish partiality?FANNY. I think so. He’ll tell you why! Whenever he used to call, and we happened to be sitting side by side—I mean you and I, mamma—I noticed that he always kept his eye fixed on us, and it always made me blush so.MRS. P. (aside). Poor simple child. She flatters herself that it was onherthat Vicessimus’s enamoured glances were riveted.FANNY. And don’t you recollect the last time he took us to the theatre, how attentive, how polite he was to you?MRS. P. Yes. I remember he brought me three oranges and an ounce of acidulated drops into our box.FANNY. And if you only had heard him just now, when I told him how shamefully you had been treated here! “What!” he exclaimed, turning quite red in the face and tearing his hair out in handfuls. “What! Dare to offer such an affront to so good, so amiable, so excellent a woman—a woman born to command, born to be beloved!”MRS. P. Did he?EnterJOSEPHatR.H.JOSEPH. Please, ma’am—and wishes to know if you are disengaged?MRS. P. I’ll come to him. (ExitJOSEPHR.H.) How shall I meet him? how conceal my feelings? Once more, poor little fluttering heart, be still! (Aside, and looking atFANNY). Poor Fanny! I shall be sorry to cut her out; but constancy like Vicessimus’s deserves, and shall have, its reward![Exit atR.H.FANNY. There! I flatter myself I’ve managed that rather cleverly. I’ve given tranquillity to Jeremiah, happiness to Georgina; I’ve got mamma a husband, and— But stop a bit! who’s to get one forme?Oh dear, dear! I haven’t half done yet!EnterMRS. MAJORvery hurriedly atC.MRS. MAJOR. Oh! what shall I do? what shall I do?FANNY. Georgina dear, what’s the matter?MRS. MAJOR. Oh, Fanny, such an event! I quite forgot to tell you that a person—I can’t call him a gentleman—has been following me about everywhere in the most persevering, the most audacious manner, for the last month!FANNY. What a contrast to Augustus!MRS. MAJOR. And at last he has actually had the effrontery to write to me. A groom called just now with a letter, and was in the act of giving it to Mary, with strict injunctions to deliver it to me, and to me only, when my husband suddenly appeared and snatched the letter out of his hand.FANNY(aside). Something more for me to do! I shall never get my work done here!MRS. MAJOR. He must have read the letter by this time! Oh, what, what will he think of me? But here he comes! and what a dreadful temper he looks in!EnterMAJORhurriedly atC., looking very wild and agitated, a letter in his hand; comes forward.MAJOR(folding his arms and assuming a tragic attitude). So, madam; I repeat “So, madam!” You may tremble at the sight of your hitherto too confiding but now indignant husband!MRS. MAJOR. But, Jeremiah dear—MAJOR. Don’t “Jeremiah dear” me! Are you aware, unhappy woman, that I might give you in charge to the police? No, I don’t mean that—that I might insist on a separation? or call your ignoble accomplice out and shoot him?—which Iwoulddo, if I were sure he wouldn’t shootme!But no! I prefer to expose, to unmask you!EnterMRS. PELICANhastily atC., followed byDOCTOR.MRS. P. What is all this disturbance about? What has happened?MAJOR. You’ve arrived just in time! I only wish the entire universe were assembled in this breakfast-room to hear me!MRS. MAJOR(shrugging her shoulders). Pshaw! they could only laugh at your absurd suspicions!MAJOR. Suspicions? Come, I like that, when I have the proofs—you hear, madam, the proofs of your misconduct!—this letter, madam! this letter! (producing letter and flourishing it).MRS. P. A letter!MAJOR. Yes! listen, and shudder! (taking letter out of envelope, which he lets fall on stage, then reading in an impressive tone). “Star of my life, idol of my heart!” That’s pretty well to begin with! (Reading again.) “Ever since the God of Love first presented you to my enraptured orbs!” (Aside.) What does the fellow mean by “orbs?” (Reading again.) “I have loved you”—point of admiration; here it is, there’s no mistake about the point of admiration! (showing letter toMRS. P.andDOCTOR). But that’s not all! (Reads again.) “In order to bask in your divine presence, I am prepared to sweep every obstacle from my path.” There’s a sanguinary ruffian! Of courseI’m one of the obstacles to be swept away!MRS. P. And how is the letter signed?MAJOR. Thereisno signature!FANNY(aside). That’s fortunate! (picking up the envelope unseen and putting it in her pocket).MAJOR(toMRS. MAJOR). Now, madam, what have you to say?MRS. MAJOR. Simply this, that I am more than ever indignant at your preposterous and odious suspicions.FANNY(suddenly confrontingMAJOR). So am I! You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Jeremiah! and so ought you, mamma, and so ought everybody! And what’s more, I’m determined that poor, dear, innocent Georgina shall be no longer unjustly accused!MRS. P.}What’s that?MAJOR.FANNY. I dare say I shall be scolded, but I’m used to that; in fact, I rather like it; and after all it was sure to be found out sooner or later; in a word—that letter—MRS. P. Well?FANNY. Was intended forme!MRS. MAJOR(aside to her). Fanny!FANNY(aside to her). Hush! I’m engaged in a little business ofmy ownnow!MRS. P. For you?FANNY. Yes! although I particularly told him not to write to me.MRS. P. Told him? Toldwho?FANNY. Augustus!MRS. P. Who’s Augustus?FANNY.MyAugustus, of course!MRS. MAJOR. I can confirm Fanny’s words, having been in possession of the whole particulars for the last hour.MAJOR. Have you? Then, perhaps, you can furnish us with Augustus’s other name—ifhe’s got one (satirically).MRS. MAJOR. Certainly—Noodle.FANNY(very quickly). No—Boodle!DOCTOR. Augustus Boodle? Let me see! of course! I first met him at Cheltenham!FANNY. So did I.DOCTOR. He was only a lad then, and was going into the army—to distinguish himself, as he said.FANNY. I can’t say whether he did distinguishhimself,but I know that he very soon distinguishedme!DOCTOR. The Boodles of Gloucestershire. There’s not a more respected family in the county! Come, my dear Mrs. Pelican, if you’ll take my advice, you’ll not hesitate in accepting Augustus Noodle—I mean Boodle—as a son-in-law!MRS. P. Well, I’ll think the matter over, and then, perhaps, I may say yes.FANNY(coaxingly). Suppose you say yes first, mamma, and think the matter over afterwards?MRS. P. (ironically). But, Fanny, what about a certain party of “maturer years,” on whoseexperienceyou proposed to rely?FANNY. Let me ask you, mamma, would it have been dutiful in a daughter to deprive her mother of the object of her early affection?MAJOR. What’s that? “Early affection!”—“object!”MRS. P. Yes; there stands the object (pointing toDOCTOR). In a word, I have been induced to accept the hand of Doctor Prettywell, from his many amiable qualities and (aside toDOCTOR) hisconstancy.Here, Vicessimus (holding her hand out to him).DOCTOR. Thanks, Cleopatra (taking her hand and kissing it).MAJOR(very timidly toMRS. MAJOR). Georgina, can you forgive your Jeremiah? I don’t know how I maylook,but you’ve no idea howsmallI feel.MRS. MAJOR. This once I do! but remember, this onceonly.There (giving her hand toMAJOR).MAJOR. Then, in spite of all petty domestic discords, everybody is happy at last.FANNY. Which only proves the truth of the old adage, that “After a storm comes a calm.”THE CURTAIN FALLS.
Comedietta, in One Act.
DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.
MAJORPELICAN.
DR. VICESSIMUSPRETTYWELL.
JOSEPH(a servant).
MRS. PELICAN.
MRS. MAJORPELICAN.
FANNY.
SCENE.—Major Pelican’s Villa in St. John’s Wood.
A handsomely furnished apartment. Door atC., doorsR.H. andL.H.; a window at back, atR.C.
JOSEPH(discovered lounging in an easy-chair, his legs upon another, a newspaper open in his hand). Now, then, for a quiet squint at the sporting intelligence. See if I can’t pick out a likely one for the Great Cricklewood Handicap. (Bell rings atL.H.) Of course! No indulging in literary pursuits in this house! That’s the young missus’s bell, and she can’t bear being kept waiting. Well, I suppose it’s only natural for young people to be impatient (getting up and going towardsL.H.; bell atR.H. is heard to ring). Now the old lady’s at it, and she’s always in a hurry, she is! Well, I suppose old people can’t afford to wait (going towards doorR.H.; bell atL.H. rings again, then the bell atR.H.; then both bells are rung violently;JOSEPHrunning backward and forward).
EnterMAJORPELICANatC.
MAJOR. Well, Joseph, don’t you hear the bell?
JOSEPH. I hear two of them, sir.
MAJOR. Then why don’t you go?
JOSEPH. I don’t know which way to go, sir! I can’t answer both bells at once, sir! (here both bells are heard to ring again).
EnterDR. PRETTYWELLatC.
JOSEPH(toMAJOR). What am I to do, sir?
DOCTOR(coming down). Do what you are doing now!
JOSEPH. I ain’t doing nothing, sir.
DOCTOR. Then keep on doing nothing. It’s about the best thing youcando.
JOSEPH. But I shall catch it frombothmy missusses, sir!
DOCTOR. At first perhaps youwill;but when they find they’ve both fared alike, they’ll each feel secretly flattered by the inattention you show to the other. Go to your work.
JOSEPH. Yes, sir.
[Exit atC.
DOCTOR. Well, friend Jeremiah!
MAJOR. Well, friend Vicessimus!
DOCTOR. I seem to have dropped in at rather an unlucky moment; but frankly, if I were to wait till your domestic barometer pointed to “calm and settled” weather, I’m afraid my visits wouldn’t be very frequent.
MAJOR. True, my dear doctor.
DOCTOR. I don’t know how you manage it, but you generally contrive to have a thunder-storm, more or less violent, rumbling over this house of yours.
MAJOR. True again, and I’ll tell you why. Because this “house of mine,” as you call it, is constantly exposed to two discordant elements from opposite directions, but invariably coming into contact and explodinghere!
DOCTOR. I don’t exactly understand.
MAJOR. It’s very simple. Living here with my mother and my wife, whobothclaim to be “monarch of all they survey,” I, the master of the house—
DOCTOR. Find yourself cutting rather a contemptible figure—eh?
MAJOR. Very much so. It would be easy enough to do as Georgina wishes,ormy mother, but to do as theybothwish is impossible, for the simple reason that no two women ever wish the same thing,consequently,the result is anger on one side, sulky looks on the other; one invokes her title of “mother,” the other her privileges of “wife;” consequently, between the two—
DOCTOR. You come in for more kicks than half-pence?
MAJOR. Considerably more! In fact,allkicks.
DOCTOR. And yet I don’t know a more charming, amiable person than your excellent mother. I’ve known and admired her for more than thirty years; in fact, had it depended on me, I might very possibly have been your father.
MAJOR. Thank you. But I’m very well satisfied as I am; besides, the thing couldn’t be done now.
DOCTOR. Not conveniently! However, she preferred marrying the “author of your being,” so there was an end of my romance! But to return to these unfortunate domestic quarrels; from what I know of your mother, I am convinced the fault lies with your wife.
MAJOR. And from what I know of my wife, I’m certain it lies with my mother.
DOCTOR. Then, my good friend, why not at once put an end to these personal and conjugal troubles of yours?
MAJOR. How?
DOCTOR. Simply thus. Appoint one of the two contending parties—no matter which—to the sole control of your domestic affairs; support her authority through thick and thin, give her credit for always being right, even when she’s wrong, and the thing’s done!
MAJOR. A very good plan, I dare say, but, unluckily, it’s impracticable.
DOCTOR. Why?
MAJOR. Because it would require a considerable amount ofpluckto carry it out, and I hain’t got an atom.
DOCTOR. Nonsense! You’ve only to show a proper spirit.
MAJOR. How can I do that when I hain’t any spiritat all?
DOCTOR. Pshaw! Recollect, Nero was a perfect lamb at starting, and yet he fiddled when Rome was burning.
MAJOR. But I’m not a Nero! Besides, I hain’t got a fiddle, and I couldn’t fiddle if I had.
DOCTOR. Here they both come! Do as I tell you, pluck up a proper spirit; in the mean time I’ll beat a retreat (runs out atC.).
MAJOR(shouting after him). Coward! to leave me alone to the mercy of two exasperated females!
EnterMRS. PELICANhurriedly atR.H.
MRS. P. This is perfectly intolerable!
MRS. MAJOR. It’s absolutely unbearable! (entering hurriedly atL.H.).
MRS. P. To take no notice of my bell!
MRS. MAJOR. What’s the use of my ringing?
MRS. P. Oh! here you are, son Jeremiah.
MAJOR. Yes, my dear mother; (aside) and I devoutly wish I was anywhere else!
MRS. P. (turning him round towards her). I appeal to you to see that my authority in this house is respected!
MAJOR(with pretended surprise). What! Has any one dared—
MRS. MAJOR(turning him towards her). I presume you won’t allowmeto be treated with inattention?
MAJOR. (with pretended surprise again). What! Has any one presumed—
MRS. P. (aside to him). But what’s the matter with your wife? She seems out of temper!
MAJOR. Yes! because Joseph didn’t attend to her summons at once. Whenyourequire him, he knows better than to dothat!
MRS. MAJOR(aside to him). Your mother appears annoyed at something or other?
MAJOR. No wonder! Joseph didn’t answer her bell. He knows better than keepyouwaiting. (Aside.) What a humbug I am!
MRS. P. By-the-bye, Jeremiah, I have ordered dinner an hour later to-day.
MRS. MAJOR. Indeed? and for what reason, pray?
MRS. P. Because it suits me.
MAJOR. Oh! of course, my dear Georgina, if it suits her—
MRS. MAJOR. But it doesn’t suitme.I expect Mr. Simcox, the jeweller, early this evening, and cannot dine later than five.
MAJOR. Oh! of course, my dear mother, if she expects Mr. Simcox—
MRS. P. It’s too late now, the dinner will be served at six o’clock.
MRS. MAJOR. I won’t give way! It will be on the table at five.
MRS. P. Six.
MRS. MAJOR. Five.
MAJOR(aside). There they are again! hard at it! hammer and tongs!
EnterJOSEPH,running, atC.
JOSEPH. Please, ma’am, please, sir, here’s Miss Fanny just driven up in a cab from the station!
MRS. P. Fanny!
MAJOR. What can have brought her back?
FANNY(heard speaking off atC.). Gently, my good man, with that box! My best hat’s in it! such a beauty too! (runs in atC.; she is in a light summer travelling costume). Here I am! How astonished you all look! Ha! ha! ha! (Running toMRS. MAJORP.) Dear Georgina! so glad to see you once again (kissing her—Nodding toMAJOR). How do, brother Jeremiah? and you, dear mamma? (about to kissMRS. PELICAN).
MRS. P. (stiffly). I was not aware, miss, that it was usual for a well-educated young lady to address her sister-in-law before her mother!
FANNY. Did I? So sorry, dear mamma. I really didn’t see you at first.
MAJOR(aside). I’m sure she’s big enough!
FANNY(holding up her face toMRS. P.). Well, mamma, won’t you kiss me? (Slyly.) You know you’re punishing yourself as well as me.
MRS. P. Who can resist the dear child? (kissingFANNY). But we thought your visit to your Cheltenham friends was intended to last another week?
FANNY. So it was, but they were obliged to return to town, so they brought me with them, put my luggage into a cab at the station, me on the top—I mean my luggage on the top—and here I am!
EnterJOSEPHatL.H.
JOSEPH. Luncheon is on the table, sir.
MRS. P. Very well, Joseph. (Aside toMAJOR.) Don’t forget what I said about the dinner.
MAJOR(aside to her). All right; six o’clock, sharp!
MRS. MAJOR(aside toMAJOR). Remember what I decided about the dinner-hour!
MAJOR(aside to her). All right; five o’clock, sharp! (Aside.) Between the two the chances are I sha’n’t get any dinner at all!
[ExeuntMRS. PELICANandMAJORatR.H.
FANNY. I’m so glad we’re alone at last, Georgina; we can have a nice long chat together all alone; and I’ve such a lot to tell you!
MRS. MAJOR. Well, I’m all attention! But first, how did you enjoy your trip to Cheltenham?
FANNY. Not much. I found it rather slow. Nothing but a collection of bilious-looking fogies being wheeled about in Bath-chairs. But never mind that; I’ve something else to talk about!
MRS. MAJOR(smiling). Something very serious, no doubt.
FANNY. Awfully serious! Listen! At the very first ball I went to at the Assembly-rooms—
MRS. MAJOR. A very brilliant affair, of course!
FANNY. Really, Georgina, if you keep on interrupting me in this sort of way—
MRS. MAJOR. I beg your pardon! Well?
FANNY. Well, at my very first ball I danced with a gentleman once or twice—perhaps three or four times.
MRS. MAJOR. Young, of course (smiling).
FANNY. Rather!
MRS. MAJOR. Handsome?
FANNY(very quickly). Very! Well, judge of my surprise when, the very next morning, as I was sitting in the drawing-room, the door opened and the servant announced “Captain Boodle!”
MRS. MAJOR. The “young gentleman?” (smiling).
FANNY. Yes.
MRS. MAJOR. Perhaps you had given him your address?
FANNY(indignantly). Not I, indeed! He didn’t ask for it, or perhaps I might! Well, the next morning he called again, and the following morning, and the morning after that—in short, every morning—and as I was always in the drawing-room, of course quite by accident—
MRS. MAJOR. You naturally became quite intimate—familiar and chatty.
FANNY.Hedidn’t.Idid all thechattingpart! Never did I see any one so timid, so bashful, as Boodle. When hedidtry to say something, there he’d stand stammering and stuttering and blushing like a school-girl! But although his tongue didn’t say much, hiseyesdid!
MRS. MAJOR(smiling). And they said, “I love you?”
FANNY. Distinctly! Well, I thought to myself it’s not a bit of use going on like this. It’s quite evident the poor manworships the very ground I tread upon. So when he called next day, and I told him, intremulous accents,of course, that I was going away, the effect was magical. First he turned pale, then red, then blue; then he let his hat fall, then his umbrella, then himself—on both his knees, at both my feet, and there, I believe, he would have remained till further notice, if I hadn’t said to him, “Augustus”—his name is Augustus—“I won’t pretend to misunderstand you. You love me! I am yours!”
MRS. MAJOR. What! Such an act of thoughtlessness, of indiscretion, on your part!
FANNY. Perhaps it was, but I know this: it quite cured him of his timidity; for when he oncedidbegin, I never heard anybody’s tongue rattle on at such a rate as his did—never!
MRS. MAJOR. And the result, I presume, was—
FANNY. That we both, then and there, exchanged vows of constancy and locks of hair! His is rather red, by-the-bye! But I see mamma coming!
MRS. MAJOR. Then I’ll retire. Seeing us closeted together would only arouse her ridiculous jealousy.
FANNY. And I’ll see if I can’t find an opportunity to slip in a word about Augustus. In the mean time you’ll keep my secret?
MRS. MAJOR. Religiously! for your sake (going up).
FANNY. And Boodle’s.
MRS. MAJOR(turning and smiling). And Boodle’s.
[Exit atC.
EnterMRS. PELICANatR.H.
MRS. P. Oh, here you are, Fanny!
FANNY. Yes, mamma! and quite alone.
MRS. P.Now!But you were not alone.
FANNY. No, dear Georgina was with me.
MRS. P. And “dear Georgina,” no doubt, lost no opportunity of prejudicing you against your mother!
FANNY. Oh, mamma! (reproachfully).
MRS. P. But fortunately you will not long be exposed to her pernicious influence.
FANNY. Oh, mamma!
MRS. P. Bring a chair and sit down by me.
FANNY(sitting down byMRS. PELICAN’Sside—aside). I wonder what’s coming?
MRS. P. I have something serious to say to you, Fanny.
FANNY. So have I to you, mamma—veryserious!
MRS. P. Indeed! In the mean time, as I happen to be your mother, and you, consequently, happen to be my daughter, perhaps you’ll allow me to beginfirst?
FANNY. Certainly.
MRS. P. Then listen. Although you are still very young—
FANNY. Nineteen next birthday, mamma.
MRS. P. Don’t interrupt me! Although you are still young, I have been reflecting a good deal lately on that all-important subject, your future settlement in life!
FANNY(quickly). So have I, mamma! (Aside.) I shall be able to get in a word presently about Augustus!
MRS. P. In other words, don’t you consider it high time you thought of matrimony?
FANNY(very quickly). Ido,mamma! I’m always thinking of it!
MRS. P. But of course it isn’t likelyyoucan have any one in your eyeyet!
FANNY. I beg your pardon! Ihave!
MRS. P. (severely). What’s that you say?
FANNY. That is—I mean—of course I hain’t! (Aside.) It won’t do to say anything about Augustus yet; I must keep him dark!
MRS. P. Then you have no positive antipathy to the married state?
FANNY. I should think not, indeed! (very quickly).
MRS. P. (severely). My dear, I’m really surprised to hear awell-educated young lady express herself in such, I might almost say indelicate, terms. But to return; I need not say I would not encourage any candidate for your hand who was not deserving of you.
FANNY. Of course not, mamma! Hemustbe worthy of such a treasure!
MRS. P. Tolerably young, and not absolutely ill-looking!
FANNY(eagerly). Certainly not! (Aside.) I call Augustus decidedlygood-looking!
MRS. P. And in the possession of ample means.
FANNY(aside). Augustus has got ever so much already, besides two rich maiden aunts and an aged godmother!
MRS. P. All of which qualifications are, fortunately, in the possession of Sir Marmaduke Mangle!
FANNY. Sir Marmaduke Mangle? Lor, mamma, you can’t mean that little old man we met at Brighton, with a bad cough, a wig, and a canary-colored complexion?
MRS. P. He’s not old by any means, and is onlyslightlycanary-colored after all! However, he has seen you, he admires you, and offers you his hand, his heart, his title, and his fortune!
FANNY. But I don’t lovehim,mamma! I nevercouldlove him—even if I didn’t love somebody else!
MRS. P. (starting). What’s that I hear? You love somebody else?
FANNY. Yes, and one who lovesme,and one I’m determined to marry, or die an old maid. There!
MRS. P. (angrily). Silence, miss!
FANNY(impatiently). I won’t silence! If you think Sir Marmaduke such a very great catch, marry him yourself! I’ll consent to it, and give you away into the bargain! It’s quite evident you were never in love!
MRS. P. I beg your pardon! Iwas,intensely, with a youthful doctor! (Aside.) Poor Vicessimus! Ah! (giving a long sigh).Nevertheless, I married your father—and we were not soveryunhappy, considering! (ToFANNY,who is about to speak.) Not another word! My mind is made up, so the sooner you make upyoursto become Lady Mangle the better!
EnterMRS. MAJORandMAJORatC., followed byJOSEPH.
MRS. MAJOR. Nothing so simple, Joseph! Tell Mary to put up a bed for Miss Fanny in her mamma’s room!
MRS. P. (sharply). What’s that? Put up a bed in my room?
MRS. MAJOR. Yes! Why not?
MRS. P. Because I won’t allow it!
MAJOR(aside). There they are, at it again!
FANNY. But why can’t I have my own snug little room?
MRS. MAJOR. The fact is, I have made a work-room of it for myself; besides, Fanny’s proper place is with her mother.
MRS. P. Quite out of the question! The slightest noise disturbs my sleep.
FANNY. But I sleep so very quietly, mamma—you’d scarcely hear me breathe;Idon’t, and as for snoring—
MRS. P. I won’t hear another word.
MAJOR. But, hang it all, Fanny must sleepsomewhere!She requires a horizontal position as much as other people.
MRS. P. Then let her find one—but not inmyroom!
MRS. MAJOR. I insist on my wishes being carried out.
FANNY(aside toMAJOR). Oh, brother Jeremiah, if I was only in your place just for five minutes!
MAJOR(aside). She’s quite right! I’m master here after all, confound it! If I’mnot, I ought to be; and if I ought to be, Iwillbe, confound it! (Aloud, and assuming an authoritative manner.) My patience is exhausted! Anarchy has presided too long over my domestic hearth.
FANNY(aside to him). Confound it!
MAJOR. Confound it!
MAJOR. And henceforth I’m determined to be master of my own house. (FANNYwhispers him.) Confound it!
MAJOR. But there must be a mistress as well.
MAJOR. That’s what I’m going to do. (Aside.) It’s really very awkward! My mother screams loudest, but my wife screams longest; besides, I only hear my mother in the day, whereas my wife—
MRS. P. (toMAJOR). Well? which of the two is to be mistress here?
MRS. MAJOR. Yes, which of the two?
MAJOR(after a violent effort). My wife! There! I’ve said it. (FANNYwhispers him.) Confound it!
MRS. P. Ah! (screaming and falling into a chair).
MRS. MAJOR. Come, major, and as your reward you shall hear me issue my orders in such a style.
[Exit atL.H., hurryingMAJORwith her, and calling, as she goes out,Joseph! Mary! Sophia!
MRS. P. (suddenly starting up from her chair). So! she—she’sto be everybody, andI’mto be nobody! a cipher, a nonentity! Was there ever such ingratitude? I, who left my own home to live with them, without even waiting to be asked, to give them the benefit of my experience, to take upon myself the entire control of their domestic affairs—nay, even to carry my maternal affection so far as not to allow either of them to interfere in anything whatever!
FANNY(aside). Poor dear mamma! she doesn’t see that’s the very reason why everything went wrong.
MRS. P. But I’ll forget them, I’ll renounce them, I’ll cast them off, I’ll abandon them to their unhappy fate; and when you’re comfortably married, dear, I’ll come and live withyou(throwing her arms roundFANNY,who tries to speak). No thanks, I see you are literally bursting with gratitude; but I amrewarded already! I feel it here—here! (striking her breast, then flings her arms roundFANNYagain, and hurries out atR.H.).
FANNY. Mercy on us! here’s a pretty piece of business! Live with me when I am married! Poor Augustus! he little suspects what a rod there is in pickle for him! It’s all Jeremiah’s fault, and it’s poor little I who am punished.
DOCTOR(without). In the parlor, is she? Very well!
FANNY. Surely that’s dear Doctor Prettywell’s voice!
EnterDOCTORatC.
DOCTOR. Ah! my dear young friend, delighted to see you!
FANNY. Not more than I am to see you, doctor!
DOCTOR. But let me look at you. How we’re grown! I declare we’re quite a young woman!
FANNY. Yes, doctor.
DOCTOR. And a very pretty one, too!
FANNY. Yes, doctor.
DOCTOR(looking intently atFANNY). She’s the very image of her mother as shewasthirty years ago; the same soft blue eyes, before she took to spectacles, the same fairy form, before it filled out, the same alabaster brow, before the wrinkles set in!
FANNY(aside). How earnestly he looks at me! I hope I hain’t fascinatedhimas well as Sir Marmaduke! (Suddenly.) Goodness me! what ifheshould be the “youthful doctor” mamma was speaking about? (DOCTORlooks at her again and gives a loud sigh.) What a sigh! It must be he. He may still have some lingering affection for her; the flame may not bequiteburnt out; there may be a tiny spark left which a little gentleblowingmay rekindle into a blaze. It isn’t very likely; still, I may as well try what a little “blowing” may do.
DOCTOR. Well, now that your education is completed, and you’ve come home brimful of accomplishments, of course you’ll go into society, and, like other young ladies, pick up a husband?
FANNY(with affected indifference). A husband? Not I, indeed! I’ve never even thought of such a thing! (Aside.) I had no idea I could fib so well! (Aloud.) No, doctor! I’ve too much regard for my own tranquillity, my own peace of mind!
DOCTOR. Hoity-toity! Who’s been putting such nonsense into your head?
FANNY. Why, you yourself never ventured on matrimony!
DOCTOR. No! because I—I— Heigh-ho! (giving a loud sigh).
FANNY(aside, and smiling). The “tiny spark” is gradually getting into a blaze! I did quite right in trying the effect of a little “blowing!” (Aloud.) Besides, I have come to the conclusion, from considerable personal experience, that the male sex in general—I mean, taken in alump—is no better than it should be.
DOCTOR(laughing). Indeed!
FANNY. I’m sorry to say they’re a false, fickle, perfidiouslot!They gain a poor confiding woman’s heart only to trifle with it and trample on it! Poor dear mamma! I am no longer surprised at your little fits of temper—at your discontent with everything and everybody—now that I know the sad circumstances which blighted your youth and cast a gloom over your after-life! (with affected pathos).
DOCTOR(aside). What do I hear? (Aloud, and anxiously.) Has your mother, then, revealed?
FANNY. No; but she might just as well, because I was sure to find it out.
DOCTOR. Find outwhat?
FANNY. A lot of things! Ah, doctor! if you had only heard her sigh as I have!
DOCTOR. Sigh?
FANNY. Yes; but that’s not all. Poor mamma! You’d hardly believe the number of pearly drops I’ve seen fall from her poor eyes into her teacup.
DOCTOR. Pearly drops?
FANNY. Butthat’snot all! (In a very mysterious manner.) Ionce heard her, when she little thought I was listening, say, in faltering accents, “Ah! if he had really loved me, would he not have declared his passion when I became a widow?”
DOCTOR. Did she? (Aside.) She loves me still! Dear Cleopatra!
FANNY. Who can she mean? I should so like to know. Perhaps, doctor, you’ll help me to find out; but here she comes (looking towardsC.DOCTORgives a violent start). Why, what’s the matter?
DOCTOR. Nothing; only a sort of a kind of a—of a—I scarcely know whether I am standing on my head or my heels!
FANNY. On your head, of course!
DOCTOR. I thought so.
MRS. P. (heard without). Joseph! Joseph!
DOCTOR(aside). I can’t meet her yet. The agitation—the trepidation—the perturbation—the—
FANNY. Perhaps you’d better retire, doctor, (aside) or else he’ll be flopping down on his knees to mamma before I’ve prepared her for the shock!
EnterMRS. PELICANatR.H., followed byJOSEPH.
MRS. P. Joseph, inform your master that I shall dine in my own apartment.
[JOSEPHbows and goes outR.H.DOCTORmeetsMRS. PELICANas she comes down—looks tenderly at her—clasps his hands, and gives a deep sigh; then hurries up—stops again atC.—turns—gives her another tender look—another deep sigh, and hurries out atC.
MRS. P. (watchingDOCTORin astonishment). Why, what’s the matter with the man?
FANNY(aside). It’syourturn now, mamma! You wanted to get a husband forme;so as one good turn deserves another, I’ll see if I can’t find one foryou!
MRS. P. (aside). I must find out who this “girlish fancy” of hers is. (Aloud.) Come here, Fanny. Of courseyourhappiness is all I desire!
FANNY. And it’s allIdesire too, mamma!
MRS. P. Then have confidence in your mother—youronlymother! Tell me the name of the young man who has won your affections.
FANNY. You asked me if I had any one in my eye, and I said Ihad,but I didn’t tell you he was ayoungman. The fact is, mamma, I’ve been so often told that I am so giddy, so thoughtless, so flighty, that I selected some one ofmatureryears; he would give me the benefit of his experience—his advice—his—his—
MRS. P. Maturer years?
FANNY. Yes! Besides, he has known me so long!—ever since I was a tiny little mite. He used to dandle me on his knee, and buy me dolls and toys and sweeties and hardbake and elecampane, and all that sort of thing!
MRS. P. (aside). Known her for years! (Suddenly.) Mercy on us! can she be alluding to “Vicessimus?”
FANNY. But, ma dear, that which attracted more than all was the respectful, I may say theaffectionate,terms in which he always speaks ofyou.
MRS. P. Does he? (Aside.) Poor fluttering heart, be still! Dear Vicessimus! He hain’t, then, quite forgot his Cleopatra! (Aloud.) But is DOCTORPRETTYWELL—for it surely must beheto whom your remarks apply—
FANNY. Yes, mamma.
MRS. P. (aside). I thought so. (Aloud.) Is he aware of your somewhat foolish partiality?
FANNY. I think so. He’ll tell you why! Whenever he used to call, and we happened to be sitting side by side—I mean you and I, mamma—I noticed that he always kept his eye fixed on us, and it always made me blush so.
MRS. P. (aside). Poor simple child. She flatters herself that it was onherthat Vicessimus’s enamoured glances were riveted.
FANNY. And don’t you recollect the last time he took us to the theatre, how attentive, how polite he was to you?
MRS. P. Yes. I remember he brought me three oranges and an ounce of acidulated drops into our box.
FANNY. And if you only had heard him just now, when I told him how shamefully you had been treated here! “What!” he exclaimed, turning quite red in the face and tearing his hair out in handfuls. “What! Dare to offer such an affront to so good, so amiable, so excellent a woman—a woman born to command, born to be beloved!”
MRS. P. Did he?
EnterJOSEPHatR.H.
JOSEPH. Please, ma’am—and wishes to know if you are disengaged?
MRS. P. I’ll come to him. (ExitJOSEPHR.H.) How shall I meet him? how conceal my feelings? Once more, poor little fluttering heart, be still! (Aside, and looking atFANNY). Poor Fanny! I shall be sorry to cut her out; but constancy like Vicessimus’s deserves, and shall have, its reward!
[Exit atR.H.
FANNY. There! I flatter myself I’ve managed that rather cleverly. I’ve given tranquillity to Jeremiah, happiness to Georgina; I’ve got mamma a husband, and— But stop a bit! who’s to get one forme?Oh dear, dear! I haven’t half done yet!
EnterMRS. MAJORvery hurriedly atC.
MRS. MAJOR. Oh! what shall I do? what shall I do?
FANNY. Georgina dear, what’s the matter?
MRS. MAJOR. Oh, Fanny, such an event! I quite forgot to tell you that a person—I can’t call him a gentleman—has been following me about everywhere in the most persevering, the most audacious manner, for the last month!
FANNY. What a contrast to Augustus!
MRS. MAJOR. And at last he has actually had the effrontery to write to me. A groom called just now with a letter, and was in the act of giving it to Mary, with strict injunctions to deliver it to me, and to me only, when my husband suddenly appeared and snatched the letter out of his hand.
FANNY(aside). Something more for me to do! I shall never get my work done here!
MRS. MAJOR. He must have read the letter by this time! Oh, what, what will he think of me? But here he comes! and what a dreadful temper he looks in!
EnterMAJORhurriedly atC., looking very wild and agitated, a letter in his hand; comes forward.
MAJOR(folding his arms and assuming a tragic attitude). So, madam; I repeat “So, madam!” You may tremble at the sight of your hitherto too confiding but now indignant husband!
MRS. MAJOR. But, Jeremiah dear—
MAJOR. Don’t “Jeremiah dear” me! Are you aware, unhappy woman, that I might give you in charge to the police? No, I don’t mean that—that I might insist on a separation? or call your ignoble accomplice out and shoot him?—which Iwoulddo, if I were sure he wouldn’t shootme!But no! I prefer to expose, to unmask you!
EnterMRS. PELICANhastily atC., followed byDOCTOR.
MRS. P. What is all this disturbance about? What has happened?
MAJOR. You’ve arrived just in time! I only wish the entire universe were assembled in this breakfast-room to hear me!
MRS. MAJOR(shrugging her shoulders). Pshaw! they could only laugh at your absurd suspicions!
MAJOR. Suspicions? Come, I like that, when I have the proofs—you hear, madam, the proofs of your misconduct!—this letter, madam! this letter! (producing letter and flourishing it).
MRS. P. A letter!
MAJOR. Yes! listen, and shudder! (taking letter out of envelope, which he lets fall on stage, then reading in an impressive tone). “Star of my life, idol of my heart!” That’s pretty well to begin with! (Reading again.) “Ever since the God of Love first presented you to my enraptured orbs!” (Aside.) What does the fellow mean by “orbs?” (Reading again.) “I have loved you”—point of admiration; here it is, there’s no mistake about the point of admiration! (showing letter toMRS. P.andDOCTOR). But that’s not all! (Reads again.) “In order to bask in your divine presence, I am prepared to sweep every obstacle from my path.” There’s a sanguinary ruffian! Of courseI’m one of the obstacles to be swept away!
MRS. P. And how is the letter signed?
MAJOR. Thereisno signature!
FANNY(aside). That’s fortunate! (picking up the envelope unseen and putting it in her pocket).
MAJOR(toMRS. MAJOR). Now, madam, what have you to say?
MRS. MAJOR. Simply this, that I am more than ever indignant at your preposterous and odious suspicions.
FANNY(suddenly confrontingMAJOR). So am I! You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Jeremiah! and so ought you, mamma, and so ought everybody! And what’s more, I’m determined that poor, dear, innocent Georgina shall be no longer unjustly accused!
FANNY. I dare say I shall be scolded, but I’m used to that; in fact, I rather like it; and after all it was sure to be found out sooner or later; in a word—that letter—
MRS. P. Well?
FANNY. Was intended forme!
MRS. MAJOR(aside to her). Fanny!
FANNY(aside to her). Hush! I’m engaged in a little business ofmy ownnow!
MRS. P. For you?
FANNY. Yes! although I particularly told him not to write to me.
MRS. P. Told him? Toldwho?
FANNY. Augustus!
MRS. P. Who’s Augustus?
FANNY.MyAugustus, of course!
MRS. MAJOR. I can confirm Fanny’s words, having been in possession of the whole particulars for the last hour.
MAJOR. Have you? Then, perhaps, you can furnish us with Augustus’s other name—ifhe’s got one (satirically).
MRS. MAJOR. Certainly—Noodle.
FANNY(very quickly). No—Boodle!
DOCTOR. Augustus Boodle? Let me see! of course! I first met him at Cheltenham!
FANNY. So did I.
DOCTOR. He was only a lad then, and was going into the army—to distinguish himself, as he said.
FANNY. I can’t say whether he did distinguishhimself,but I know that he very soon distinguishedme!
DOCTOR. The Boodles of Gloucestershire. There’s not a more respected family in the county! Come, my dear Mrs. Pelican, if you’ll take my advice, you’ll not hesitate in accepting Augustus Noodle—I mean Boodle—as a son-in-law!
MRS. P. Well, I’ll think the matter over, and then, perhaps, I may say yes.
FANNY(coaxingly). Suppose you say yes first, mamma, and think the matter over afterwards?
MRS. P. (ironically). But, Fanny, what about a certain party of “maturer years,” on whoseexperienceyou proposed to rely?
FANNY. Let me ask you, mamma, would it have been dutiful in a daughter to deprive her mother of the object of her early affection?
MAJOR. What’s that? “Early affection!”—“object!”
MRS. P. Yes; there stands the object (pointing toDOCTOR). In a word, I have been induced to accept the hand of Doctor Prettywell, from his many amiable qualities and (aside toDOCTOR) hisconstancy.Here, Vicessimus (holding her hand out to him).
DOCTOR. Thanks, Cleopatra (taking her hand and kissing it).
MAJOR(very timidly toMRS. MAJOR). Georgina, can you forgive your Jeremiah? I don’t know how I maylook,but you’ve no idea howsmallI feel.
MRS. MAJOR. This once I do! but remember, this onceonly.There (giving her hand toMAJOR).
MAJOR. Then, in spite of all petty domestic discords, everybody is happy at last.
FANNY. Which only proves the truth of the old adage, that “After a storm comes a calm.”
THE CURTAIN FALLS.