Lawyer dividing the OysterLAWYER DIVIDING THE OYSTER.
LAWYER DIVIDING THE OYSTER.
Do not think I write in jest,Though something in derision,Look east and west, and north and south,There's nothing but Division.The State, with Whigs and Radicals,Is split up and divided,The Church, with hungry pluralists,Is getting quite lop-sided.A split is in the methodists,The jumpers and the shakers,A split is with the baptists too,A split is in the quakers.The Jews have split like gentile dogs,And some are trying dailyTo send Mahomet to the hogs,In spite of Mahommed Ali.The law is split, and fees are downTo stop the rise of lawyers,And costs are cut, oh! quite in half,Just like a log by sawyers.Divide, divide,the Speaker cries,Each night with voice of thunder,But yet the law thus made "so wise,"Most likely is ablunder.
Do not think I write in jest,Though something in derision,Look east and west, and north and south,There's nothing but Division.The State, with Whigs and Radicals,Is split up and divided,The Church, with hungry pluralists,Is getting quite lop-sided.A split is in the methodists,The jumpers and the shakers,A split is with the baptists too,A split is in the quakers.The Jews have split like gentile dogs,And some are trying dailyTo send Mahomet to the hogs,In spite of Mahommed Ali.The law is split, and fees are downTo stop the rise of lawyers,And costs are cut, oh! quite in half,Just like a log by sawyers.Divide, divide,the Speaker cries,Each night with voice of thunder,But yet the law thus made "so wise,"Most likely is ablunder.
Do not think I write in jest,Though something in derision,Look east and west, and north and south,There's nothing but Division.
Do not think I write in jest,
Though something in derision,
Look east and west, and north and south,
There's nothing but Division.
The State, with Whigs and Radicals,Is split up and divided,The Church, with hungry pluralists,Is getting quite lop-sided.
The State, with Whigs and Radicals,
Is split up and divided,
The Church, with hungry pluralists,
Is getting quite lop-sided.
A split is in the methodists,The jumpers and the shakers,A split is with the baptists too,A split is in the quakers.
A split is in the methodists,
The jumpers and the shakers,
A split is with the baptists too,
A split is in the quakers.
The Jews have split like gentile dogs,And some are trying dailyTo send Mahomet to the hogs,In spite of Mahommed Ali.
The Jews have split like gentile dogs,
And some are trying daily
To send Mahomet to the hogs,
In spite of Mahommed Ali.
The law is split, and fees are downTo stop the rise of lawyers,And costs are cut, oh! quite in half,Just like a log by sawyers.
The law is split, and fees are down
To stop the rise of lawyers,
And costs are cut, oh! quite in half,
Just like a log by sawyers.
Divide, divide,the Speaker cries,Each night with voice of thunder,But yet the law thus made "so wise,"Most likely is ablunder.
Divide, divide,the Speaker cries,
Each night with voice of thunder,
But yet the law thus made "so wise,"
Most likely is ablunder.
Division teaches how to divide a number into two or moreequalparts, as in the division of prize-money.
Division is of great importance, whether political, ecclesiastical, commercial, civil, or social. Nothing is more likely to destroy your opponents than asplit.Divide et imperais the true Machiavelian policy of all governments.
Numbers, that is the multitude, are to be divided, in a variety of ways,—by mob orators, or by mob-sneaks, or by parliamentary flounderers, or by mystifying pulpit demagogues.
The divisors should generally endeavour to work into their own hands, and the dividends may be compared to fleeced-sheep, plucked-geese, scraped sugar-casks, drained wine-bottles, and squeezed lemons.
Social Division.—The divisions here may be a tale-bearer, a gossip, or a go-between, and the divisors will "separate" to fight like Kilkenny cats, leaving nothing behind but two tails and a bit of flue. In a township, a volunteer corps is an excellentdivisor: you may kill the adjutant by way of a quotient, on the surgical principle of "Mangling done here."
In the division of property by will, be your own lawyer, and your property will be divided toyour heart's content; for, as your heirs will most assuredly be divided amongst themselves, when they have done fighting over your coffin for what does not belong to them, they will call upon the Court of Chancery to divide it—principally among the lawyers, according to thelex non scripta.
In the division of profits, first take off thecream three times, and then divide the milk.
The Lion's ShareTHE LION'S SHARE.
THE LION'S SHARE.
In all kinds of "Division of Money" endeavour to carry out the principle of the fable. Like thelion when dividing the spoil, consider that you have a right to thefirstpart, because you are a lion; to thesecond, because you are strong; to thethird, because no one dares dispute your right; and to thefourth, because no one is so able as yourself to defend it. This is the lion's share.
Division of Time.—"Tempus fugit," and therefore the due systematic and proper division of time, in a rational manner, is the bounden duty of every "beardling." All philosophers and some kings, whether from Democritus to Tim Bobbin, or from Alfred the Great to that merry old soul, "Old King Cole," have divided their time equitably, according to the maxim of Horace, "Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero." Modern life teaches and exhibits the same necessity for the rigid division of the "stufflifeis made of," and the twenty-four hours may be systematically divided, with great advantage, by young men, as follows:—
Long Division is so called when a long time is taken for the division of various sums, as in the case of the Deccan prize-money, or the Duke of York's debts. In these cases, various persons areplaced in the state oflonging—hence the name of the rule, which is a figurative exemplification of "hope deferred."
Rule I—Teaches to work an expected legacy or an estate in reversion, or a right of entail, with a "post-obit bond," cent. per cent. on a stiff stamen.
Rule II—Teaches how towaitfor a living instead of working for one. This is a hungry expectancy: yourself, in a consumption, with an interesting cough, preaching as curate to an admiring congregation principally composed of females, who bring jellies and jams, pitch-plasters, electuaries, and pills, "bosom friends," and other comforters, while the jolly incumbent, with his rosy gills and round paunch, writes you once a quarter to dine with him, to see how well he holds it.
Rule III.Chancery Long Division.—This is an exemplification of the "law's delay," and the rule is to be worked by giving the expectants the "benefit of a doubt," which is not quite so pleasant in Chancery as in criminal practice. The "Bidder" of this rule was John Lord Eldon.
Rule IV.—Beside long annuities, there are also long dividends. For instance, in the case of Bamboozle, Humbug and Co. who lately declared the third and last dividend of three-fourths of a farthing in a pound, for the benefit of their creditors.
THE INSOLVENT TRAP.The Insolvent Trap.--'The Law binds, but the Law looses'"THE LAW BINDS, BUT THE LAW LOOSES."
THE INSOLVENT TRAP.
"THE LAW BINDS, BUT THE LAW LOOSES."
Reduction is properly the "art of sinking." It teaches us, according to Martin, to bring numbers to a lower name without altering their value. When numbers are brought to a higher name, it is called Reductionascending, when to a lower, Reductiondescending.
Reduction ascendingis to stand high in your own estimation, from the convincing reason, that, as no one thinks anything of you, you ought to think something of yourself. The visit of the Queen to Edinburgh raised the baillies so high in their own estimation, that it took them three hours to get up in a morning.
Examples of Reduction ascendingare to be found in the following cases:—When a noodle is made a lord; 2. When Timothy Fig obtains a baronetcy; 3. When Muggins keeps his "willa;" and when a beggar gets on horseback.
Reduction ascendingfor Females.—Mrs.GeneralSwipes, Mrs.ColonelTrashee, Mrs.MajorMinus, Mrs.AldermanBumble, Mrs.Common-sergeantSprigings, Mrs.Common-councilmanSnigings, Mrs.ExecutionerKetch, Mrs.BeadleBlow-em-up, Mrs.CorporalCasey.
Reduction ascendingis to be seen in the manufacturing districts; when the body politic gets inflated, a "rising of the lights," that is, of theilluminati, may be expected. In these risings the scum always gets uppermost, and some political demagogue is ejected to parliament by a revolutionary eruction—to be reduced to his ownlevelas a leveller.
Reduction descending.—
"Facilis descensus averni,Sed revocare gradum, superasque evadere ad aurasHic labor, hoc opus est."
"Facilis descensus averni,Sed revocare gradum, superasque evadere ad aurasHic labor, hoc opus est."
"Facilis descensus averni,Sed revocare gradum, superasque evadere ad aurasHic labor, hoc opus est."
"Facilis descensus averni,
Sed revocare gradum, superasque evadere ad auras
Hic labor, hoc opus est."
This is the "old saw" Alderman Harmer used when he cut the city—or Lord John in his "finality" speech—cut his own fingers.
There have been many examples of Political Reduction both in our last and present ministry. The reduction of postage, so that it paid less than the cost, was an exceedingly business-like act. The reduction of cats'-meat in the storehouses at Plymouth, Woolwich, Portsmouth, and Chatham, from a penny to three farthings a-day, was also an example of legislative wisdom, and proved the maxim, "Sparus at the speketas letouat the bungholeas."
The reduction of paupers' food to "doubly diminutive and beautifully less" than that of the felon, is also "wisdom wonderful;" being a new way of offering a premium upon crime, at about thirty and a third per cent. It is presumed to have occurred with a view to the assistance of Old Bailey practice, and of the Poor LawCommissioners, as it promotes Coroners' inquests and saves coffins.
Rule for the Reduction of Paupers.—Take "an operative," starve him in the streets till he becomes light enough to make a shuttlecock of, then place in his hands an order from an Edmonton magistrate, by way of a feather; bandy him about from parish to parish till you are tired of the game. Let him then fall into the lock-up of the station-house. Keep him sixteen hours in a cold cell without food. Bring him before the Board, put him on the refractory diet, water-gruel, poultice dumplings, and rat roastings. Keep him till he becomes so thin as to lose his shadow, then turn him into the streets to look for a job, with three yards of cord in his pocket, and a direction to the nearest lamp-post, as an intimation of what that job is to be.
A state may bereducedin the same way by nip-cheese patriots. Such "save-alls," when they lop off excrescences, bark the trunk—when they prune redundances, let loose the sap. These "flint-skinners" grind down professions, pare down dignities, sweat sovereigns, purge thecommonwealth, scour landlords, skin the army, starve the navy, scrape religion to the backbone, sell the honour of their country for a mess of porridge and its glory for a bag of moonshine; till at last John Bull becomes as lean as a country whipping-post, and would hang himself, only he has notweightenough on him to produce strangulation.
'Blowed Puffery'"BLOWED PUFFERY."
"BLOWED PUFFERY."
Proportion is sometimes called the "Rule of Three," because a certain system of conventionalisms has its origin in that, which is called, by wayof joke, the "Three Estates" of the realm—King,Lords, andCommons; in other words, aparliament, so called from its being the focus of palaver, in which originate those splendid specimens of collective wisdom, known by the name of Acts of Parliament—because they "won't act."
The theoretic proportion is, that numbers should be exactly balanced,—that one sovereign should equal six hundred lords, that six hundred lords should equal six hundred and fifty-eight commoners, and that these should represent twenty-nine millions of people. Now, as the interests of each of these estates are said in theory to be opposed to each other, and as they are all theoretically supposed to pull three opposite ways with equal force, it must follow that legislation would be at a stand still, by the first law of mechanics, viz. that action and reaction are always equal: but to prevent such a catastrophe of stagnation, and to set in motion this beautiful machine, a pivot-spring, in the shape of a prime minister, or prime mover, is superadded, and a golden supply, fly, or budget wheel, is introduced, by which the following subordinate, yet ruling principles are developed;and thus we go on from age to age, making laws one day, and unmaking them the next, for the sake of variety.
'Out of Proportion.'"OUT OF PROPORTION."
"OUT OF PROPORTION."
It must not be forgotten that this rule is one of proportionals, as its name imports. It therefore teaches proportion in all its relations, social and political; it is the rule of our country, and seeks to develop that beautiful equality and justice, so conspicuous in all our institutions, exemplified in the following well-known legal and constitutional maxim, viz. "One man may steal a horse, but another must not look over the hedge."
It is a maxim of English law, that punishment should beproportionateto the offence, and have a relation to the moral turpitude of the offender. Hence the seducer and adulterer only inquire, "What's the damage?" By the same rule, it is held highly penal to sell the only ripe fruit in England, roasted apples; and the stock in trade of the basket woman is confiscated. She, too, issent to theCounter—because she is not rich enough to keep one with a shop attached.
Called to AccountCALLED TO ACCOUNT.
CALLED TO ACCOUNT.
This brings us to therationaleof reward, and shows us the policy of making a prison superior to a poor-house. This wise arrangement of the collective wisdom of the Rule of Three (the three estates) is upon the principle ofcounter-irritation, that is, the best way to administer to the miserable is to inflict more misery, just as we puta blister on one part to subdue inflammation on another, or set up a mercurial disease to cure a liver complaint. On the other hand, we cure villany by increased rations of beef, bread, beer, and potatoes, in accordance with the maxim, that "the nearest way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
'The nearest Way to a Man's Heart'
On the same principle of "Proportion," the operative is to have for his share the pleasure ofdoing the labour; for if one man had the labour and the gains too, it would be abominable, and destructive to all the usages of society.
It is also strictly proportional, that we should pay not only for what we have, but for that which we have not.Thuschurch-rates ought to be inflicted, not so much for the benefit of the church, but as the substitute for that wholesome discipline of flagellation, unhappily discontinued, and for the "good of the soul;" for if the spiritual benefit be great to those who pay for what they receive only, how great must be the reward of those who are content to pay for that which, they not only do not receive, but which they will not have at any price! Hence, it is possible that evendissenters may be saved—the trouble of spending their money in other ways.
The "Tax upon Incomes" affords also a striking example of the doctrine of Proportionals. It is so beautifully equalized, that the loss upon one branch of trade is not to be set off against the gain of another, the object of the act being, no doubt, to put a stop to trade altogether, as the best means of placing thingsstatu quo, the grand desideratum of modern legislation.
"Bear ye each other's burdens" is a sublime maxim. The principle of the lever is well brought tobearin the doctrine of proportionals—and shows how to shift the weight of taxation from the shoulders of the rich upon those of the poor—
A Sliding ScaleA SLIDING SCALE.
A SLIDING SCALE.
The laws and regulations for the conduct of our civil polity and social condition being founded on these divine principles, it is assumed as a fundamental maxim, that "great folks will be biggest," and he who has not learned that this is the ideal oftrue proportion, and who does not recognise it in his practical philosophy, will be compelled to knock his head against a wall to the day of his dissolution.
'Broken Down'"BROKEN DOWN."
"BROKEN DOWN."
The word Fractions is from the Latin "Fractus," broken. A Fraction is therefore a part or broken piece. A broken head is a fraction; a broken heart is a fraction; a bankrupt is a fraction—he isbroken up; yet a horse is not a fraction, although he may bebroken in—but his rider may have a broken neck, which is called an irreducible fraction. Speaking generally, therefore, a fraction may be considered as a "Tarnation Smashification."
Fractional SignsFRACTIONAL SIGNS.
FRACTIONAL SIGNS.
Fractions are of two kinds,VulgarandDecimal. Vulgar fractions are used for common purposes, and examples may be seen in the plebeian part of our commonalty, such as coal-heavers, costermongers, sheriff's-officers, bailiffs, bagmen, cabmen, excisemen, lord-mayors, lady-mayoresses, carpet-knights and auctioneers.
Vulgar fractions may be known by the way in which they express themselves. They are more expressive than decimals; and the words, Go it, Jerry—Jim along Josey—What are you at?—What are you arter?—Variety—Don't you wish you may get it?—All round my hat—Over the left—All right, and no mistake—Flare up, my covies—I should think so—with those inexpressible expletives which add so much to the force and elegance of our language, may be taken as specimens of Fractions.
An Ancient and Modern Mug"AN ANCIENT AND MODERN MUG."
"AN ANCIENT AND MODERN MUG."
My Lords! Ladies and Gentlemen.Cognoscenti, virtuosi, literati,"Muffs," "mulls," and Flukins De Grati,F.R.S.'s, F.A.S.'s and A.S.S.'s,Curiosities of curiosity,Cokletops and Old-bucks in variety,"Court scum," "nobs," beaks, and humdrum,And all that's rare and rum,Ad infinitum,Book-worms, bibliophilists, and antiquarians,Soirarians, and Belle-Lettre-arians,Single men of fashion, De Horsa,De Calfa, De Goosa, De Donka,De la De Palma de ston a,Male Prima Donna.Toad-eaters, lickspittles and glozers,"Do nothings," "know nothings," and "dozers,""Tricksters," and "hucksters," and "snoozlers,"Cozeners and bamboozlers,Fumblers and mumblers,Bunglers and stumblers,Pokers and jokers,Out and out "sticklers,"And "very particulars;"Oglers,Bogglers,Apron danglers,And police "manglers,"Bargain hunters—and grunters,Bran-new saints made out of old sinners,And young beginners,Old bucks,Lame ducks;"Curmudgeons," "flats," and "gudgeons,"Come all that's fashionable,Femmes de Paradisiacal,Whimsical and lackadaisical,Languishing or sighing,Dreaming or dying,Harpies and beldames, dowagers and vidders,And be my bidders,"Black legs" and "blue stockings," walk up, walk up,And seeWhat you shall see,A perfect uniqueDisplay of art, and aLusciousNatura,As I before said when I set you all agog,In this here seven-and-sixpenny catalogue.
My Lords! Ladies and Gentlemen.Cognoscenti, virtuosi, literati,"Muffs," "mulls," and Flukins De Grati,F.R.S.'s, F.A.S.'s and A.S.S.'s,Curiosities of curiosity,Cokletops and Old-bucks in variety,"Court scum," "nobs," beaks, and humdrum,And all that's rare and rum,Ad infinitum,Book-worms, bibliophilists, and antiquarians,Soirarians, and Belle-Lettre-arians,Single men of fashion, De Horsa,De Calfa, De Goosa, De Donka,De la De Palma de ston a,Male Prima Donna.Toad-eaters, lickspittles and glozers,"Do nothings," "know nothings," and "dozers,""Tricksters," and "hucksters," and "snoozlers,"Cozeners and bamboozlers,Fumblers and mumblers,Bunglers and stumblers,Pokers and jokers,Out and out "sticklers,"And "very particulars;"Oglers,Bogglers,Apron danglers,And police "manglers,"Bargain hunters—and grunters,Bran-new saints made out of old sinners,And young beginners,Old bucks,Lame ducks;"Curmudgeons," "flats," and "gudgeons,"Come all that's fashionable,Femmes de Paradisiacal,Whimsical and lackadaisical,Languishing or sighing,Dreaming or dying,Harpies and beldames, dowagers and vidders,And be my bidders,"Black legs" and "blue stockings," walk up, walk up,And seeWhat you shall see,A perfect uniqueDisplay of art, and aLusciousNatura,As I before said when I set you all agog,In this here seven-and-sixpenny catalogue.
My Lords! Ladies and Gentlemen.Cognoscenti, virtuosi, literati,"Muffs," "mulls," and Flukins De Grati,F.R.S.'s, F.A.S.'s and A.S.S.'s,Curiosities of curiosity,Cokletops and Old-bucks in variety,"Court scum," "nobs," beaks, and humdrum,And all that's rare and rum,Ad infinitum,Book-worms, bibliophilists, and antiquarians,Soirarians, and Belle-Lettre-arians,Single men of fashion, De Horsa,De Calfa, De Goosa, De Donka,De la De Palma de ston a,Male Prima Donna.Toad-eaters, lickspittles and glozers,"Do nothings," "know nothings," and "dozers,""Tricksters," and "hucksters," and "snoozlers,"Cozeners and bamboozlers,Fumblers and mumblers,Bunglers and stumblers,Pokers and jokers,Out and out "sticklers,"And "very particulars;"Oglers,Bogglers,Apron danglers,And police "manglers,"Bargain hunters—and grunters,Bran-new saints made out of old sinners,And young beginners,Old bucks,Lame ducks;"Curmudgeons," "flats," and "gudgeons,"Come all that's fashionable,Femmes de Paradisiacal,Whimsical and lackadaisical,Languishing or sighing,Dreaming or dying,Harpies and beldames, dowagers and vidders,And be my bidders,"Black legs" and "blue stockings," walk up, walk up,And seeWhat you shall see,A perfect uniqueDisplay of art, and aLusciousNatura,As I before said when I set you all agog,In this here seven-and-sixpenny catalogue.
My Lords! Ladies and Gentlemen.
Cognoscenti, virtuosi, literati,
"Muffs," "mulls," and Flukins De Grati,
F.R.S.'s, F.A.S.'s and A.S.S.'s,
Curiosities of curiosity,
Cokletops and Old-bucks in variety,
"Court scum," "nobs," beaks, and humdrum,
And all that's rare and rum,
Ad infinitum,
Book-worms, bibliophilists, and antiquarians,
Soirarians, and Belle-Lettre-arians,
Single men of fashion, De Horsa,
De Calfa, De Goosa, De Donka,
De la De Palma de ston a,
Male Prima Donna.
Toad-eaters, lickspittles and glozers,
"Do nothings," "know nothings," and "dozers,"
"Tricksters," and "hucksters," and "snoozlers,"
Cozeners and bamboozlers,
Fumblers and mumblers,
Bunglers and stumblers,
Pokers and jokers,
Out and out "sticklers,"
And "very particulars;"
Oglers,
Bogglers,
Apron danglers,
And police "manglers,"
Bargain hunters—and grunters,
Bran-new saints made out of old sinners,
And young beginners,
Old bucks,
Lame ducks;
"Curmudgeons," "flats," and "gudgeons,"
Come all that's fashionable,
Femmes de Paradisiacal,
Whimsical and lackadaisical,
Languishing or sighing,
Dreaming or dying,
Harpies and beldames, dowagers and vidders,
And be my bidders,
"Black legs" and "blue stockings," walk up, walk up,
And see
What you shall see,
A perfect unique
Display of art, and aLusciousNatura,
As I before said when I set you all agog,
In this here seven-and-sixpenny catalogue.
Here, Ladies, and Gentlemen, is a lot,Being the earliest that must "go to pot."I do declare,'Tis very rare,And mighty curious,And nothing spurious,Preserved from bye-gone ages,Embalmed in sacred pages,Of ancient poetry.Who'll bid, who'll buy?Be not shy,Bid high.Behold—the identical cupboard,Of old Mother Hubbard;The identical hatThe little dog woreWhen nursing the cat;The identicalpipeThe little dog smokedWhen she brought him thetripe;The identical coffinThat set the dog laughing,With these two are sorted,As "neat as imported."A brick of the cornerOf little Jack Horner,Who eat of a Christmas pie;He put in his thumbAnd he pulled out "aplum,"As you must do if you buy.
Here, Ladies, and Gentlemen, is a lot,Being the earliest that must "go to pot."I do declare,'Tis very rare,And mighty curious,And nothing spurious,Preserved from bye-gone ages,Embalmed in sacred pages,Of ancient poetry.Who'll bid, who'll buy?Be not shy,Bid high.Behold—the identical cupboard,Of old Mother Hubbard;The identical hatThe little dog woreWhen nursing the cat;The identicalpipeThe little dog smokedWhen she brought him thetripe;The identical coffinThat set the dog laughing,With these two are sorted,As "neat as imported."A brick of the cornerOf little Jack Horner,Who eat of a Christmas pie;He put in his thumbAnd he pulled out "aplum,"As you must do if you buy.
Here, Ladies, and Gentlemen, is a lot,Being the earliest that must "go to pot."I do declare,'Tis very rare,And mighty curious,And nothing spurious,Preserved from bye-gone ages,Embalmed in sacred pages,Of ancient poetry.Who'll bid, who'll buy?Be not shy,Bid high.
Here, Ladies, and Gentlemen, is a lot,
Being the earliest that must "go to pot."
I do declare,
'Tis very rare,
And mighty curious,
And nothing spurious,
Preserved from bye-gone ages,
Embalmed in sacred pages,
Of ancient poetry.
Who'll bid, who'll buy?
Be not shy,
Bid high.
Behold—the identical cupboard,Of old Mother Hubbard;The identical hatThe little dog woreWhen nursing the cat;The identicalpipeThe little dog smokedWhen she brought him thetripe;The identical coffinThat set the dog laughing,With these two are sorted,As "neat as imported."
Behold—the identical cupboard,
Of old Mother Hubbard;
The identical hat
The little dog wore
When nursing the cat;
The identicalpipe
The little dog smoked
When she brought him thetripe;
The identical coffin
That set the dog laughing,
With these two are sorted,
As "neat as imported."
A brick of the cornerOf little Jack Horner,Who eat of a Christmas pie;He put in his thumbAnd he pulled out "aplum,"As you must do if you buy.
A brick of the corner
Of little Jack Horner,
Who eat of a Christmas pie;
He put in his thumb
And he pulled out "aplum,"
As you must do if you buy.
The next most splendid,recherchéand venerable,Spick and span old antique, ingenerableBy modern authors or by modern art,Asui generislot, not to bematched.ByLuciferhimself not to be catchedBy an old song, as the last was—I speakposs.Firstis an original, aboriginal,Primary, first hand, virgin copy,Mouldy, musty, cobwebby, and ropy,Of Dean Swift's "Maw wallop,"With notes by Mrs. Trollope,Which wraps the whole upSo decently, it takes the soul upTo the third heaven of ecstasy;To which is added, An Essay upon Jalap.Second, is the missal of old Nick,Richly illuminated with flames ad flamina,Fresh from "Blazes;"Its smell of brimstone is sublime;'Tis dedicated to the RantersAnd the CantersOf Exeter Hall in the dog days,Cum multis aliis ad gammona.Who'll bid for this whole lot? one thousand—two,Three, four, five, six,—say seven, and see what I will do."Gone!"Doctor Lardner, I've knocked it down to you.
The next most splendid,recherchéand venerable,Spick and span old antique, ingenerableBy modern authors or by modern art,Asui generislot, not to bematched.ByLuciferhimself not to be catchedBy an old song, as the last was—I speakposs.Firstis an original, aboriginal,Primary, first hand, virgin copy,Mouldy, musty, cobwebby, and ropy,Of Dean Swift's "Maw wallop,"With notes by Mrs. Trollope,Which wraps the whole upSo decently, it takes the soul upTo the third heaven of ecstasy;To which is added, An Essay upon Jalap.Second, is the missal of old Nick,Richly illuminated with flames ad flamina,Fresh from "Blazes;"Its smell of brimstone is sublime;'Tis dedicated to the RantersAnd the CantersOf Exeter Hall in the dog days,Cum multis aliis ad gammona.Who'll bid for this whole lot? one thousand—two,Three, four, five, six,—say seven, and see what I will do."Gone!"Doctor Lardner, I've knocked it down to you.
The next most splendid,recherchéand venerable,Spick and span old antique, ingenerableBy modern authors or by modern art,Asui generislot, not to bematched.ByLuciferhimself not to be catchedBy an old song, as the last was—I speakposs.Firstis an original, aboriginal,Primary, first hand, virgin copy,Mouldy, musty, cobwebby, and ropy,Of Dean Swift's "Maw wallop,"With notes by Mrs. Trollope,Which wraps the whole upSo decently, it takes the soul upTo the third heaven of ecstasy;To which is added, An Essay upon Jalap.Second, is the missal of old Nick,Richly illuminated with flames ad flamina,Fresh from "Blazes;"Its smell of brimstone is sublime;'Tis dedicated to the RantersAnd the CantersOf Exeter Hall in the dog days,Cum multis aliis ad gammona.Who'll bid for this whole lot? one thousand—two,Three, four, five, six,—say seven, and see what I will do."Gone!"Doctor Lardner, I've knocked it down to you.
The next most splendid,recherchéand venerable,
Spick and span old antique, ingenerable
By modern authors or by modern art,
Asui generislot, not to bematched.
ByLuciferhimself not to be catched
By an old song, as the last was—
I speakposs.
Firstis an original, aboriginal,
Primary, first hand, virgin copy,
Mouldy, musty, cobwebby, and ropy,
Of Dean Swift's "Maw wallop,"
With notes by Mrs. Trollope,
Which wraps the whole up
So decently, it takes the soul up
To the third heaven of ecstasy;
To which is added, An Essay upon Jalap.
Second, is the missal of old Nick,
Richly illuminated with flames ad flamina,
Fresh from "Blazes;"
Its smell of brimstone is sublime;
'Tis dedicated to the Ranters
And the Canters
Of Exeter Hall in the dog days,
Cum multis aliis ad gammona.
Who'll bid for this whole lot? one thousand—two,
Three, four, five, six,—say seven, and see what I will do.
"Gone!"
Doctor Lardner, I've knocked it down to you.
Now come the gems divine,Each gem a shrine,Whence men may fish up,And after dish up,Without a Bishop,A heavenly worship;And adoreThese relics before.First, is the vase de Barberino,The Helmet of MambrinoSo renownedIn all climesIn which the cat was drowned;Don Quixote's spear, and shield, and armour,Lately worn by Alderman HarmerAgainst the "Times."Second, the sword of Jack the Giant Killer,Made o' th' sillerSpent at the Ipswich election,Braving detection.Third, is the wishing cap of Fortunatus,Worn by all young ladies in their teens,That when they're married they may have the reins.Fourth, is the night cap of the Cock-lane ghost,When he fright'nedThe enlight'nedChartist host.Fifth, is a stone out of the wall,Of Pyramus and Thisbe,And a charmed echo of Nick Bottom's roar,Or louder snoreOf Mr. Muntz, when he thinks Lord John a bore.Sixth, one of the seven-leagued boots, in which isMade the interminable of Cobden's speeches,Loose as the old coal-heaver Huntington'sHeaven-born breeches.Seventh, the bottle of the bottle-conjurer,Into which Lord Mounteagle, to please himself,Can squeeze himself,When in some plan of plunder or of pelfHe wants to ease himself.Eighth, is the toe nail of the Dragon of Wantley,Which Berkeley GrantleyUsed as a sort of scarifying razorUpon a Fraser.Ninth, is the dish of Corn Law furmitory,Into which Tom Thumb (Lord John) did jump when heLet in another Ministry.Tenth, a child's caul, a certain preservationFrom drowning, useful to the nation,In this great age of tea-to-tality,And used by Mr. BuckinghamAs an hydraulic ram,To keep him dry,When round the world to go he late did try.Eleventh, is a bottle of pigeon's milk,Soft as silk,Which Boreing to the "Factory" deputation sent,By way of reparationFor the depredationOf sessions of misgovernment.Twelfth, is the story of a cock and bull,Edited by queer Joseph, and oft related to the houseWhen full.Thirteenth, the eyelid of Homer, and the eyeIdentical and very certain,Of Betty Martin.And, lastly, now to end this, Billy Martin, PeterParley, Prattle,Are three blue beans in a blown bladder.Rattle, bladder, rattle.
Now come the gems divine,Each gem a shrine,Whence men may fish up,And after dish up,Without a Bishop,A heavenly worship;And adoreThese relics before.First, is the vase de Barberino,The Helmet of MambrinoSo renownedIn all climesIn which the cat was drowned;Don Quixote's spear, and shield, and armour,Lately worn by Alderman HarmerAgainst the "Times."Second, the sword of Jack the Giant Killer,Made o' th' sillerSpent at the Ipswich election,Braving detection.Third, is the wishing cap of Fortunatus,Worn by all young ladies in their teens,That when they're married they may have the reins.Fourth, is the night cap of the Cock-lane ghost,When he fright'nedThe enlight'nedChartist host.Fifth, is a stone out of the wall,Of Pyramus and Thisbe,And a charmed echo of Nick Bottom's roar,Or louder snoreOf Mr. Muntz, when he thinks Lord John a bore.Sixth, one of the seven-leagued boots, in which isMade the interminable of Cobden's speeches,Loose as the old coal-heaver Huntington'sHeaven-born breeches.Seventh, the bottle of the bottle-conjurer,Into which Lord Mounteagle, to please himself,Can squeeze himself,When in some plan of plunder or of pelfHe wants to ease himself.Eighth, is the toe nail of the Dragon of Wantley,Which Berkeley GrantleyUsed as a sort of scarifying razorUpon a Fraser.Ninth, is the dish of Corn Law furmitory,Into which Tom Thumb (Lord John) did jump when heLet in another Ministry.Tenth, a child's caul, a certain preservationFrom drowning, useful to the nation,In this great age of tea-to-tality,And used by Mr. BuckinghamAs an hydraulic ram,To keep him dry,When round the world to go he late did try.Eleventh, is a bottle of pigeon's milk,Soft as silk,Which Boreing to the "Factory" deputation sent,By way of reparationFor the depredationOf sessions of misgovernment.Twelfth, is the story of a cock and bull,Edited by queer Joseph, and oft related to the houseWhen full.Thirteenth, the eyelid of Homer, and the eyeIdentical and very certain,Of Betty Martin.And, lastly, now to end this, Billy Martin, PeterParley, Prattle,Are three blue beans in a blown bladder.Rattle, bladder, rattle.
Now come the gems divine,Each gem a shrine,Whence men may fish up,And after dish up,Without a Bishop,A heavenly worship;And adoreThese relics before.First, is the vase de Barberino,The Helmet of MambrinoSo renownedIn all climesIn which the cat was drowned;Don Quixote's spear, and shield, and armour,Lately worn by Alderman HarmerAgainst the "Times."Second, the sword of Jack the Giant Killer,Made o' th' sillerSpent at the Ipswich election,Braving detection.Third, is the wishing cap of Fortunatus,Worn by all young ladies in their teens,That when they're married they may have the reins.Fourth, is the night cap of the Cock-lane ghost,When he fright'nedThe enlight'nedChartist host.Fifth, is a stone out of the wall,Of Pyramus and Thisbe,And a charmed echo of Nick Bottom's roar,Or louder snoreOf Mr. Muntz, when he thinks Lord John a bore.Sixth, one of the seven-leagued boots, in which isMade the interminable of Cobden's speeches,Loose as the old coal-heaver Huntington'sHeaven-born breeches.Seventh, the bottle of the bottle-conjurer,Into which Lord Mounteagle, to please himself,Can squeeze himself,When in some plan of plunder or of pelfHe wants to ease himself.Eighth, is the toe nail of the Dragon of Wantley,Which Berkeley GrantleyUsed as a sort of scarifying razorUpon a Fraser.Ninth, is the dish of Corn Law furmitory,Into which Tom Thumb (Lord John) did jump when heLet in another Ministry.Tenth, a child's caul, a certain preservationFrom drowning, useful to the nation,In this great age of tea-to-tality,And used by Mr. BuckinghamAs an hydraulic ram,To keep him dry,When round the world to go he late did try.Eleventh, is a bottle of pigeon's milk,Soft as silk,Which Boreing to the "Factory" deputation sent,By way of reparationFor the depredationOf sessions of misgovernment.Twelfth, is the story of a cock and bull,Edited by queer Joseph, and oft related to the houseWhen full.Thirteenth, the eyelid of Homer, and the eyeIdentical and very certain,Of Betty Martin.And, lastly, now to end this, Billy Martin, PeterParley, Prattle,Are three blue beans in a blown bladder.Rattle, bladder, rattle.
Now come the gems divine,
Each gem a shrine,
Whence men may fish up,
And after dish up,
Without a Bishop,
A heavenly worship;
And adore
These relics before.
First, is the vase de Barberino,
The Helmet of Mambrino
So renowned
In all climes
In which the cat was drowned;
Don Quixote's spear, and shield, and armour,
Lately worn by Alderman Harmer
Against the "Times."
Second, the sword of Jack the Giant Killer,
Made o' th' siller
Spent at the Ipswich election,
Braving detection.
Third, is the wishing cap of Fortunatus,
Worn by all young ladies in their teens,
That when they're married they may have the reins.
Fourth, is the night cap of the Cock-lane ghost,
When he fright'ned
The enlight'ned
Chartist host.
Fifth, is a stone out of the wall,
Of Pyramus and Thisbe,
And a charmed echo of Nick Bottom's roar,
Or louder snore
Of Mr. Muntz, when he thinks Lord John a bore.
Sixth, one of the seven-leagued boots, in which is
Made the interminable of Cobden's speeches,
Loose as the old coal-heaver Huntington's
Heaven-born breeches.
Seventh, the bottle of the bottle-conjurer,
Into which Lord Mounteagle, to please himself,
Can squeeze himself,
When in some plan of plunder or of pelf
He wants to ease himself.
Eighth, is the toe nail of the Dragon of Wantley,
Which Berkeley Grantley
Used as a sort of scarifying razor
Upon a Fraser.
Ninth, is the dish of Corn Law furmitory,
Into which Tom Thumb (Lord John) did jump when he
Let in another Ministry.
Tenth, a child's caul, a certain preservation
From drowning, useful to the nation,
In this great age of tea-to-tality,
And used by Mr. Buckingham
As an hydraulic ram,
To keep him dry,
When round the world to go he late did try.
Eleventh, is a bottle of pigeon's milk,
Soft as silk,
Which Boreing to the "Factory" deputation sent,
By way of reparation
For the depredation
Of sessions of misgovernment.
Twelfth, is the story of a cock and bull,
Edited by queer Joseph, and oft related to the house
When full.
Thirteenth, the eyelid of Homer, and the eye
Identical and very certain,
Of Betty Martin.
And, lastly, now to end this, Billy Martin, Peter
Parley, Prattle,
Are three blue beans in a blown bladder.
Rattle, bladder, rattle.
Knocking down the LotKNOCKING DOWN THE LOT.
KNOCKING DOWN THE LOT.
Done by InterestDONE BY INTEREST.
DONE BY INTEREST.
To think of getting on in this world without Interest, is ridiculous. Place and Promotion are not for Fitness or Worthiness, but to serve particularInterests, private or public; and yet anumber of very simple persons, who have as large a green streak in them as asagecheese, without itssageness, are continually wondering that virtue and talent do not get all the "good things" of a vicious community. Punch forbid! Is not virtue declared to be itsownreward? and as to talent,—let a man be content withthat. It is a positive monopoly to covetwitandmoneytoo.
At a Premium and DiscountAT A PREMIUM AND DISCOUNT.
AT A PREMIUM AND DISCOUNT.
To take care of our Interest is the great law of Nature, and is universally followed. Every one for himself, and Fate for us all, as the donkey said when he danced among the chickens, is as profound a maxim as thegnothi seautonof Plato."Take care of yourself" is of more importance than "Know thyself." To take care of oneself is a science which comes home to every man's business and bosom. It is "wisdom" identified with our personal character. It is philosophy turned to account. It is morality above par. It is a religion in which "every man may be his own parson," find his Bible in his ledger, his Creed in the "stock-list," his Psalter in the tariff, his Book of Common Prayer in the railway and canal shares, his Temple in the Royal Exchange, his Altar in his counter, and his God in his money.
The Old and New Principle--both with CreditTHE OLD AND NEW PRINCIPLE—BOTH WITH CREDIT.
THE OLD AND NEW PRINCIPLE—BOTH WITH CREDIT.
Principle, orPrincipal, is an old term used by our forefathers in "money matters" and commercial transactions, but is now obsolete. It formerly represented capital, and raised the British merchant in the scale of nations; but it is now a maxim of trade to discard Principle as not being consistent with Interest. It is paradoxically Capital to take care of our Interest, but it seldom requires any Principle to do so.
"The want of money is the root of all evil." Such is the new reading, according to the translation of a new sect called theTinites. In the orthodox translation, theloveof money was unfortunately rendered. To be without money is worse than being without brains—for this reason we should oppose all dangerous innovations, which in any way have a tendency to disturb the "balance of Capital." Right is not to usurp might. We are not, for the sake of Quixotic experiment, to invade theinterestsof the landed proprietor by an Anti-Corn Law movement, nor the vested right of doing wrong, which the various close corporations of law, physic, and trade, &c. have so long maintained, making England the envy of the world and the glory of surrounding nations.
The Tin-der PassionTHE TIN-DER PASSION.
THE TIN-DER PASSION.
Interest, therefore, teaches us to interest ourselves for our own interests, and to keep them continually in view in all our transactions. When a man loses sight of his own interests he is morally blind; he must, therefore, according to this rule, walk with his eyes open, and be wide awake to every move—keep the weather-eye open, and not have one eye up the chimney and the other inthe pot, but both stedfastly fixed on themain chance.
Interest teaches us also to swear to anything and admit nothing; to prove, by the devil's rhetoric, that black is white and white black; to tamper, to shuffle, to misrepresent, to falsify, to scheme, to undervalue, to entangle, to evade, to delay, to humbug, and to cheat in virtue of the monied interest.
Faith and DutyFAITH AND DUTY.
FAITH AND DUTY.
In the days of our forefathers, we had a most excellent compendium of Faith and Duty, calledthe "Church Catechism," which taught us not only to "fear God and honour the King," but to be "true and just in all our dealings." The "fast and loose," "free and easy" system of "liberality," shuts the Creed and the Catechism out of half our schools; and worldliness teaches in its place the creed of Mammon. Instead of being taught to worship God, we are taught toworship money. Instead of honouring the Queen, we are told to bow down to the "golden image" which trade has set up; we no longer consult ourconscience, but ourpocket; forprinciplewe readinterest—forpiety,pelf.
In illustration of this, the following "cut and dry" "'Change Catechism," which fell from the pocket of a Latitudinarian bill-broker, is subjoined, as affording the best examples of the Rule ofInterest.
The Gallipot Crane
The Carpenter Woodpecker
When goods are bought or work is done, a bill is to be made out and delivered. In some cases the bill may be made out before the work is done,and work charged inprospective; and therefore the making out of bills is an art and mystery known only to the professional man or the tradesman. It comprehends the mystery of mystification, andimpudenceandassuranceare its two first rules. The milkman is not only allowed by parliament to water his milk, but to cut a notch in his chalk and markdouble. The baker thinks it legitimate, and part of his vested rights, to put in "dead uns;" the butcher to "hang on Jemmy;" but the birds noted for the longest bills are the carpenter woodpecker, (who undertakes to take you under) the gallipotcrane, the red-tape snipe, and the heron. The bills of each of these bipeds are as long as from this to the paying of the National Debt, and as unfathomable as the Bay of Biscay—or the lowest pit of——
L