"How provoking! I cannot find it; I can scarcely get on without it."
"It will give you time to rest," quietly said Miriam.
A little reluctantly he sat down by her, but said he must return to his work at three.
It was a sketch, which he wanted for the foreground of Medora, that Cornelius could not find. We had vainly looked for it the whole morning. I thought I would have another search. A deep shelf, well stored with art-rubbish, ran round the room. Unperceived by Cornelius, I got up on the table, reached down an old portfolio, opened it, and found at once the missing sketch. Overjoyed at my success, I stepped down too hastily; my foot slipped, I fell; in no time Cornelius had picked me up.
"Are you hurt?" he cried, in great alarm.
I was too much stunned to reply at first; when I could speak, my first words were—
"Here it is, Cornelius!"
I picked up the sketch from where it had fallen, showed it to him, and enjoyed his surprise.
"Oh! you naughty child!" he said, with kind reproof. He sat down again on the couch, made me sit by him, and tenderly pressed his lips on my brow.
"I should suggest brown paper and vinegar for a bruise," observed the chilling voice of Miriam.
"Are you bruised, my darling?" anxiously asked Cornelius.
I laughed, and kissed him. He turned towards Miriam, smiled, and with the generous and imprudent candour of his character, he said—
"I am very fond of that little girl, Miriam."
And lest she should doubt it, again he caressed me. She sat at the other angle of the couch with drooping eyelids; I know not if she looked at us, but as the church clock struck three, she said, sweetly—
"Yes, I consider your affection for that child a touching trait in your character, Cornelius."
She had never in my presence called him by his name; as she ottered it, I saw his hand seeking hers, which she drew not away.
"Cornelius," I said quietly, "it is three o'clock."
"I had forgotten all about it," he cried, starting up, and relinquishing the hand of Miriam, who darted at me a covert irritated glance of her green eyes.
He went back to his easel; I returned to my books.
"Daisy," he said, "you must not study after such a fall."
"Let me finish my lessons," I replied eagerly; "you know you have half promised to examine me this evening."
"Poor little thing!" kindly said Miriam, "I dare say it is too much study has lately made her look so much more sallow than usual."
I felt my face glow. I was sallow; but was I to be ever reminded of it?
"Or perhaps it is biliousness," she continued: "her face and hair are almost of the same hue; true that is light, nearly straw-coloured. Be careful, Mr. O'Reilly, do not let her work so much."
"Daisy, put by your books," anxiously said Cornelius.
"Not to-day," I replied imploringly.
"She is so industrious," he said admiringly.
"Like all children who cannot rely on the quickness of their perceptions."
"Oh! Daisy is very quick," he answered rather hastily; "she has answers that often surprise me."
"I should like to be surprised. Do you mind answering a few questions of mine, Daisy?"
I did mind. I mistrusted her; I did not want to acknowledge her as an authority, still less to be exposed by her to Cornelius.
"Thank you," I replied, "Cornelius is to examine me this evening."
"I like to judge for myself," she answered smilingly.
I did not reply.
"Daisy, did you hear?" said Cornelius.
"Yes, Cornelius."
"Then why not answer? Do you object to being examined now?"
"Not by you."
"But, my dear, it is Miss Russell who wishes to question you."
I remained mute; he gave me a severe look. No more was said on the subject. With waning daylight Miriam left us. I expected a lecture or a scolding, but Cornelius never opened his lips to me. I had a presentiment that this silence boded me no good, and indeed it did not. After tea, I brought out my books for examination; Cornelius looked at me coldly.
"I am astonished at your confidence," he said. He rose, took his hat, and walked out.
For a week I had looked up to this evening, worked hard for it, and thought with pride of the progress of which I could not but be conscious, and which Cornelius could not but perceive. As the door closed on him, I burst into tears.
"What is all that about?" asked Kate, astonished.
I threw my arms around her neck and told her, weeping all the time. She reproved and yet comforted me.
"It was wrong," she said, "wrong and foolish to be rude to Miss Russell; but do not fret, child, though Cornelius may be vexed, he is fond of you in his heart."
"Not as much as he once was, Kate."
She did not contradict the bitter truth.
"It will never be the same thing again," I continued.
"As if I did not know it!" she exclaimed, involuntarily perhaps.
I looked up into her face. She too had seen and felt that Cornelius was not to us what he once had been. She smiled sorrowfully as our looks met, pressed me to her heart and kissed me. Woman-grown though she was, and child though I might be, there was between us the bond of the same secret pain and sorrow.
Thus began the short and bitter contest between Miriam and me. I apologized to her, humbly enough, on the following day; but in domestic life, reconciliations seem only to lead to fresh quarrels; to make it up is nothing; whilst the spirit remains unchanged, strife cannot cease. I continued to be jealous of Miriam; she continued to resent every poor attempt I made to secure the love and attention of him whose every thought and feeling she wished to engross. I loved him too ardently, and I was too rash and proud, to bear this passively. My persistency cost me dear: I was daily wounded in the most tender and sensitive point—the affection and the regard of Cornelius. I had faults, no doubt, but Cornelius never seemed to have perceived them as he now perceived them: how could he? before, they slumbered in peace, lulled by the love I felt for him and that which he felt for me, whereas now they were—not pointed out to him, she had too much tact for that—but awakened and drawn forth under his gaze, daily, nay hourly. I felt this; I resolved to be good if it were only to provoke my enemy, but I never could keep to the determination. She knew so well how to make me defiant as I had never been, or silent and sullen as Cornelius never had known me; above all, how to rouse me to a pitch of obstinacy which not even he could subdue.
He saw the change with wonder and regret. He felt, rather late, that the jealousy of a child was not a matter to be slighted; he tried to reason me out of it; he was kind, severe, and indulgent by turns—uselessly. The mischief was, I could not help loving him more than ever, and, loving him thus, it was impossible I should not be jealous. Once this excessive affection had pleased him, and he had encouraged it injudiciously; it now wearied him—and no wonder; it had become the source of a daily annoyance, paltry yet most irritating.
I remember well one morning. Oh! how those childish incidents have burned themselves into my brain! She had as usual been provoking me by allusions to my pale and sickly aspect, and then by questions so insidiously framed to make me break forth into impertinence or ill-temper, that I would answer her no more. This availed me little.
"Pray let her alone, Miriam," said Cornelius, greatly disgusted, "she is a sulky little thing, unworthy of your notice."
"The poor child would not be so if she were not so unhealthy," kindly observed Miriam.
This was one of the speeches with which she used to sting me; she knew, and I knew too, how much Cornelius admired health, with its fresh aspect and its joyous feelings, in both of which I failed so lamentably.
"You are too good to be always framing excuses for her," repliedCornelius, with a severe look at me.
"Excuses!" I thought; "yes, it was easy to frame such excuses." But I never replied; I never looked up from my books. I sat at the table by the window, as if I had heard nothing; for this took place in the studio, where Miriam still daily sat for Medora. Towards noon she rose to go.
"Give a look at our little garden first," said Cornelius; then turning to me, he added—"Put on your bonnet and cape—the sun is warm, and the air will do you good."
It was one of the mildest days of early spring. Our garden boasted but few flowers. Cornelius gathered the freshest and fairest for his mistress; but some snowdrops which she admired especially, he did not gather.
"These I cannot give you," he said, "they are Daisy's; the others areKate's, and consequently mine."
She took the flowers he was handing her, with a smile of thanks, and sat down on the wooden bench by the house. He was soon by her side—soon wholly wrapped in her. The sun shone bright and warm in the blue sky; the breeze was very pleasant; the old house had many a brown, rich tint; the ivy on the porch was green and glossy; the garden had begun to wear the first fresh blossoms and light verdure of spring; a bird had perched on the highest bough of the tallest poplar, and thence broke forth into many a snatch of gay song. It was a morn for happy lovers to sit thus side by side, looking out on heaven and earth, but still lingering within the shelter of a warm home.
I looked at them, and I keenly felt the words of Cornelius. Those snowdrops were mine. I had set them myself, and daily watched them growing up and unfolding their shy beauty; but I had never attached to them an idea of selfish enjoyment. To place them some morning in the studio of Cornelius, enjoy his surprise, his pleasure, and his thanks, was all I had dreamed of; but if it pleased him better to bestow them on her in whom he now most delighted, what mattered it to me? I felt bitterly that she had taken from me his affection, his thoughts, his looks, his kindness, his very caresses, and that she might as well have the flowers with the rest. I gathered them, and silently placed them on her lap. Miriam looked at me and coloured slightly. Cornelius seemed charmed, and passed his arm around my neck with a sudden return of kindness.
"Ah!" said Miriam to him, "those flowers are given to you, and not to me, and it is you must give the thanks."
By the "thanks" she evidently meant a kiss, but Cornelius had perhaps a fancy for caressing me when he chose, for he did not take the hint. Miriam placed the snowdrops amongst the other flowers, and inhaled their mingled fragrance with a dreamy look and smile. Cornelius looked at her and exclaimed—
"Ah! you are Moore's Namouna now,—the eastern enchantress who lives on the perfume of flowers."
"How can you be so cruel?" she replied, glancing up, and her green eyes sparkling in the sun with perfidious light.
"Cruel?"
"Yes, that poor child is still waiting for her kiss."
Those were her very words. They made my blood boil then, and as I write, I still feel within me something of that old resentment over which years have passed in vain. Who, what was she, that she should speak thus? I had been kissed and caressed by Cornelius, I had lain in his arms and slept on his bosom, before he had ever seen her fair and fatal face,—whilst he was still unconscious of her very existence. He might love her more than he loved me, but he had loved me first: even how, changed as he was, I knew I was still dear to him. She had taken much from me; did she mean to take all? Was he to caress me but at her bidding and pleasure? Were his lips to touch my cheek but when she permitted it? Was she to mete out to me even that paltry drop which she had left in my cup, once so full?
I felt this, not in these words, but far more intensely, for it passed through me during the brief seconds which Cornelius took to smile at her words, and then turn to me to comply with her behest. I abruptly averted my face from his: if he would embrace me but on such conditions, never more might he do so!
Cornelius looked surprised, then indignant. As I walked away from them, I heard the sweet voice of Miriam saying, sadly—
"How unfortunate I am to make mischief when I meant a kindness!"
"Do not mention it," replied Cornelius, in a tone of sincere distress, "it is inexpressibly bitter to me to trace such feelings in Daisy."
I stood by the sun-dial, with my back turned to them, and still trembling from head to foot with the intensity of those feelings which Cornelius deplored, but which—I felt he might have known that—sprang from the sincerity of my love for him. But it was destined that she should ever be in the right, and I in the wrong. I attempted no useless justification, and heard them going in, without so much as looking round.
Domestic quarrels are an endless progeny: each has a distinct existence; but as it dies it gives birth to a successor, and so on for ever. Even for this day, this was not enough. When Miriam returned in the afternoon, she had scarcely sat an hour to Cornelius before she said to me—
"Daisy, I never thanked you for your beautiful snowdrops; you must forgive me the omission."
"Forgive!" echoed Cornelius, who was now sitting by her for a few minutes, and who probably thought this much too condescending.
"Why not? It is the very least I can do to thank the poor child for her flowers; I also want to give her something: what would please you, my dear?"
She was again addressing me, and she spoke very sweetly: she always did speak so to me. There was the misery and the snare: she knew well enough I could never speak so to her; that, though I dare not say much on account of Cornelius, my very voice changed when I had to address or answer her. I now felt what a mockery it was for her, who had robbed me of everything I cared for, to talk of making me a present, yet I compelled myself to reply—
"Anything you like, thank you."
"Anything means nothing, my dear," she said, very gently.
I did not answer; she resumed—
"Would you like a book? you are fond of reading."
"Yes. I like books, thank you."
"Or a new frock; you do not dislike dress?"
"Oh no, I do not dislike it, thank you."
"But I want to know what you prefer," she insisted.
"I prefer nothing, thank you."
Cornelius knit his brow.
"Daisy," he said sharply, "tell Miss Russell directly what you would like."
Tell her what I should like! be indebted to her for a pleasure! no, not even his authority could make me do that. Cornelius insisted, I remained obstinate; he became angry, I did not yield; I was getting hardened; all I would say was that I preferred nothing; and so far as her gifts were concerned this was true, they all seemed equally hateful.
"Disobedient, obstinate girl!" began Cornelius, in great wrath.
"Daisy shall not be scolded on my account," interrupted Miriam, laying her beautiful fingers on his lips, "and she shall have her present too; we must subdue her by kindness," she added in a whisper that reached me.
Cornelius looked at her with mingled love and admiration, and then at me with sorrowful reproach.
I had my present, too, the very next morning; it came in with Miss Russell's kind love: a beautiful green silk frock, that made me look as yellow as saffron. It exasperated me to try it on, but Cornelius, who admired it greatly, insisted that I should do so. I was obliged to comply. I just looked at the glass and saw that the benevolent intention of the donor was fulfilled.
"How kind of Miriam!" said Cornelius, as I stood before him. "It is very pretty. Kate, is it not?"
"An odd colour for Daisy," she replied, drily.
"Saint Patrick's Day was last week," he answered, smiling.
"And Daisy's dress is green in honour of Saint Patrick, of course," rather ironically said Kate; "well, it is a great deal too 'fine for everyday wear, so just come up-stairs and take it off, child."
"Oh, Kate!" I began, as soon as we were alone.
"No," she interrupted, "that is quite an idea of yours, Daisy."
She seemed so positive that what I had not said must be "quite an idea of mine," that I abstained from saying it. She helped me to take off the dress, then looked at it a little scornfully, said it was pretty, but that she fancied me a great deal better with my old everyday merino, which did not make me look quite so much like a bunch of primroses in its leaves. I made no such picturesque comment, but I resolved that though I had not been able to refuse this dress, nothing save force should make me wear it. But my troubles with regard to this unlucky present were not over. When Miriam came in, Cornelius thanked her very warmly; was grateful for her kindness, and praised her taste. I sat by the table apparently absorbed in my books, and secretly hoping it might pass off thus; but it did not.
"Daisy," said Cornelius.
I looked up; there was no mistaking his gentle, admonishing glance, but as I did not seem to have understood it, he added—
"You have not thanked Miss Russell."
If the dress had been a becoming one, if I could have fancied that there was anything like kindness in the gift, I might have subdued my pride so far as to comply. But to thank Miriam for that which I had refused and which she had forced upon me; to thank her for that which I believed destined to make me look plainer than nature had made me, in the sight of Cornelius, and which, as I knew but too well, accomplished the desired object, was more than I could do.
"You have not thanked Miss Russell," again said Cornelius.
I did not answer; I hung down my head and locked myself up in mute obstinacy. Several times Cornelius said to me, in a voice that boded rising anger—
"Daisy, will you thank Miss Russell?"
I did not say I would not, but then I did not do it; and yet I felt sick and faint at the thought of his coming wrath and indignation. Well I might! Cornelius had the fiery blood of his race; but his temper was so easy and pleasant, that you could spend weeks with him and never suspect—save perhaps for too sudden a light in his eyes—that he could be roused to violent passion. Provoked beyond endurance by my obstinacy, he now turned pale with anger; he left by his work to stride up to me; I quailed before his look and shrank back. Miriam rose, swiftly stepped in between us, and placed me behind her, as if for protection.
"Mr. O'Reilly!" she exclaimed, "command yourself."
She spoke with a look of reproof and authority. Cornelius gazed at her with wonder, then coloured to the very temples.
"Oh! Miriam," he said, drawing back from her with a glance of the keenest reproach, "how could you imagine such a thing?"
He looked as if he could not even name it; then perceiving me as I still stood behind Miriam, he took me by the hand, and, sitting down on the sofa, he held me from him, looking me intently in the face as he slowly said—
"And did you too think I meant, I will not say to hurt, but so much as touch you?"
I looked at him; I thought of all his past kindness,—my heart swelled, the tears which had not flowed at his anger, gushed forth with the question; I threw my arms around his neck.
"Oh no, no!" I cried, "I never did think that, Cornelius, and I never could."
"Never?" he echoed; "are you sure, Daisy?"
"Never," I replied almost passionately, "never, Cornelius; if I angered you ever so much; if I saw your very hand raised against me, I should not fear one moment—for I know it never would come down."
His lips trembled slightly, the only sign of emotion he betrayed. He looked at me; our eyes met, and I felt that there was in his something which answered to all the love and faith of my heart.
"You have been very perverse," he said, at length; "you have provoked me, so that I have lost all my self-control; but for the sake of those words, it shall not only be all forgiven to you, but if ever we quarrel again, remember that, whatever you may have done, you need only remind me of this day, for peace to be once more between us."
He pressed me to his heart and kissed me repeatedly, then put me away, rose and went up to Miriam. She stood where he had left her, pale and almost defiant-looking, as if she already repelled the expected reproaches of Cornelius.
"I beg your pardon," he said very gravely.
"My pardon?" she replied, looking up at him with a cold doubt in her eyes.
"Your pardon," he repeated precisely in the same tone. "When I stepped up to Daisy, it was to take her by the hand and lead her out of the room, a little indignity which I thought her obstinacy merited; but how utterly I must have lost my temper, how much I must have forgotten myself, for you to misunderstand me so cruelly?"
She did not appear to perceive the reproach that lingered in this apology.
"You looked provoked enough for anything," she quietly answered, "but it was that unhappy child who made you lose all patience."
"I have enough power over myself to promise you that, no matter what Daisy may do, I shall never again allow it to betray me into passion," said Cornelius very calmly; "I shall try the effect of forbearance; with regard to what passed this morning, I forgive her freely; may I trust that you also forgive her."
"Indeed I do, poor thing!" sighed Miriam, as if she pitied my evil nature too much to resent any of its peculiar workings.
No more was said on the subject; but Cornelius was as much pleased with my trust in him, as he was secretly hurt with the suspicion of Miriam. If in his manner to her I could see no difference, there was no mistaking the sudden increase of tenderness and affection with which he treated me. Had I only been wise, I might have availed myself of this opportunity to regain almost all I had lost; but who is wise in this world? I was foolish enough to fall into the first snare Miriam placed before me; again I showed myself an obstinate, sullen, jealous child.
Cornelius however kept to his word; he bit his lip, curbed down his anger, and did not allow his voice to rise above the tones of a calm remonstrance.
But better, far better for me that Cornelius should have given way to hasty speech, punished me, and the next hour forgiven me, than that he should have thus checked himself every time I transgressed. The resentment he daily repressed rankled in his mind; I irritated him constantly, and yet I compelled him to incessant self-control: I became a secret thorn in his side, the source of an unacknowledged pain, a warning that met him at every turn: if Miriam had designed it all in order to render my presence insupportable to him, she could scarcely have succeeded better.
How changed was our once happy and peaceful home! a spirit of strife, of unquiet jealousy had entered it and poisoned all its joys; a sense of trouble and unhappiness hung over it like the sword over the head of Damocles, and robbed everything of its pleasure and its charm. Kate was grave, Cornelius irritable; I was wretched; she alone who had caused it all remained unalterably serene.
Such a state of things could not last: we all vaguely felt it. The close of April brought the change. Breakfast, which had passed off as usual, was over when Cornelius told me to go up with him to his little studio. I obeyed with pleased alacrity; Medora was again lying by, and Miriam was not therefore to come; he had not shown of late much inclination for my society; I hailed this as a symptom of returning favour. As I found myself once more alone with him in the little room I knew so well, I exclaimed joyfully—
"How kind it is of you, Cornelius, to have asked me to come up!"
"Is it?" he replied, without looking at me.
"Yes, I did so want to come up yesterday; but Kate would not let me. MayI come to-morrow?"
"To-morrow? no."
"After to-morrow then?" I said persistingly.
"Be quiet, child, and let me work."
I obeyed and looked at him, as he continued the task on which he had for the last week been engaged—copying a little Dutch painting for a picture-dealer. After awhile I said—
"When you are a great artist you won't copy pictures, will you,Cornelius?"
"Did I not tell you to let me work?"
"I shall speak no more."
But to make up for speaking, I got up on the table and attempted to take down some of the portfolios from the shelf. He heard me, turned round, and uttered an imperative—
"Come down!"
As I obeyed with regret, I exclaimed—
"Oh! if you only would, Cornelius!"
"Would what?"
"Let me have the portfolios, look at the drawings, and arrange them,—I am sure they are in a great mess. By beginning to-day I might have them all sorted before the end of the week. May I have one to begin with?"
"No; must I for a third time tell you to let me work?"
I promised to interrupt him no more, and taking a chair, I sat for awhile both quiet and silent: but the spirit of speech must have possessed me, for I forgot my promise and spoke again.
"Cornelius," I said suddenly, "do you think your Happy Time will be accepted?" for Cornelius had sent in his picture to the Academy; but though Kate and I felt some anxiety on the subject, he professed total indifference.
"I neither know nor care," he replied negligently; "I set no value on it, and shall not think the better of it for its being accepted."
"It makes my heart beat to think of it. I am sure it is a beautiful picture."
"How can you tell?"
"Surely, Cornelius," I replied, "I know?"
"I know," he interrupted, "that I never knew you in such a chattering humour. What possesses you, child, on this morning above all others?"
He had sat down to rest, and, leaning back in his chair, he looked round at me; I stood behind him; passing my arm around his neck, I replied, "It is that I am glad to be again up here."
"Have you never been here before?"
"Not much of late,—I mean when you are alone; not this whole week; I thought you were vexed with me, and when you said 'Come up' this morning, just in the old way, I felt so glad that, if Kate had not been looking, I should have jumped up and kissed you."
But Kate was not there now to restrain me—for the most innocent affection is shy and shuns the eye of a gazer—so I kissed her brother as I loved him—with my whole heart.
"That will never do," exclaimed Cornelius, looking very uncomfortable; "listen to me, child, I have something to say to you."
"I am listening, Cornelius," I replied, without changing my attitude.
"I cannot speak in that sideways fashion."
I walked round and sat down on his knee.
"I shall be quite opposite you so," I said.
Cornelius looked disconcerted, and observed gravely, "My dear, you are getting too old for all this; you must be near thirteen."
"My birthday is in two months' time; yours in five."
"True. Well, as I was observing, there are things natural in the child which might seem foolish in the young girl."
I rose submissively.
"I shall not do it again, Cornelius," I said, as I stood before him; "are there other things I do, and which you think foolish?"
"I did not say so."
"Because if there are," I continued, earnestly, "and I should do them in company, for instance, you will only have to say, 'Daisy!' in that way, I shall be sure to understand."
"Nonsense!" he interrupted, reddening.
"Indeed, Cornelius, it is no nonsense: I could understand even a look; I am so accustomed to your face. Have I not been with you nearly three years?"
"That will never do, never!" exclaimed Cornelius, seeming more and more uncomfortable, and stroking his chin with half puzzled, half sorrowful air; "but there is no help for it," he added more firmly; "come here, child."
He drew me on his knee as he spoke.
"But you said it was foolish!" I said, surprised.
"As a habit; not for once."
I yielded; he passed both his arms around me, looked down into my face and said abruptly—
"You know, Daisy, I am fond of you. I think I have shown it; I hope you believe it."
I said I did; but I could scarcely speak, my heart beat so. Why did he tell me of his affection?
"You have not been happy of late," he continued; "at times I have noticed, with pain, an expression of perfect misery on your face: I do not mean that it was justified, but it was there, and, even whilst I blamed you, it grieved me to think you should be unhappy in our home."
"Do not mind it, I don't," I exclaimed eagerly; "I do not mind being unhappy now and then—I would much rather be miserable here with you and Kate, than ever so happy elsewhere."
"Perhaps you would," he replied, "for if you have great faults, no one can say that want of affection is amongst them. You can love, too much perhaps; but that is not the question; on your own confession you are not happy, and to that there is but one remedy. I see in your face that you have guessed it—separation."
Yes, I had guessed it, but not the less acutely did I feel the blow; I did not answer; he continued—
"We must part. You do not know, perhaps you could not understand, how much it pains me to say so; and yet it must be. You are not happy yourself, and there is in the house a sense of unquietness, of strife, that cannot last any longer. But my chief reason for taking this determination concerns you wholly. You are not aware, my poor child, that the feeling you have been indulging is fast spoiling your originally good and generous nature. You are morally ill. I have done what I could to eradicate the disease, but it passed my power. There is but one cure— absence. And now one last remark: you cannot change my resolve; spare me the pain of refusing that which I cannot and must not grant."
I did spare him that pain. I lay in his arms mute and inanimate with grief. The blow had been inflicted by the hand I had trusted, and had reached me where I had always sought for refuge and consolation. I had been jealous, perverse; I had provoked and tormented him, but I had never thought he could have the heart to banish me. I believe Cornelius had expected not merely entreaties, but lamentations and tears; seeing me so quiet, he wondered.
"Did you understand?" he asked.
"Yes, Cornelius."
"But what have you understood, child?"
"That you will send me away somewhere."
"Where?"
"I don't care where, Cornelius."
"I shall send you to school," he said.
"To Miss Wood's?" I asked, naming a day-school close by.
"To a boarding-school," he replied gravely.
I felt that too, but all I said was—
"Then I shall only come home every Sunday."
"My dear," he answered with evident embarrassment, "Kate and I should like it greatly; but would it be accomplishing the object in view?"
So it was to be a complete, a total exile! I looked at him; I did not want to move him, to appeal to his compassion, but my glance wanted to ask his if this could be true. That silent questioning look appeared to trouble him involuntarily.
"Shall Kate come and see me?" I asked after awhile.
"Certainly."
"And may I write to you, Cornelius?"
"No doubt you may. What makes you ask?"
"Because of courseyouwill not come."
"Why not?" asked Cornelius, looking both surprised and hurt; "am I sending you away in anger? I am not, Daisy. I mean it as a cure,—painful perhaps, but short. I am to marry Miss Russell this summer. We will live next-door; you will be here with Kate. I trust that by that time good sense will have prevailed over exaggerated feelings; that you will learn to love and respect Miriam as my wife and the companion of my existence. This is the true reason of what you perhaps consider a very harsh measure—that your embittered feelings may have time and opportunity to soothe down in peace."
I understood him. This was but the beginning of a life-long separation.Cornelius married, was lost to me. I felt it, but resistance was useless;I heard him apathetically. Thinking perhaps to rouse and interest me, hesaid—
"You do not ask to what school you are going?"
"I do not care, Cornelius."
"It is not, properly speaking, a school. The Misses Clapperton are amiable and accomplished women, who eke out a somewhat narrow income by receiving a limited number of pupils. At present they have only two; they can therefore devote all their attention to them and to you. It has always been my ambition that you should be well educated."
I could not help looking at him. Well educated, and his ambition! Ay, I had had a master once, loved, preferred, honoured beyond any other teacher, who taught me every evening, often on his knee, with looks of kindness and caresses of love. Him I had long lost; but then why tell me of others hired to impart the teaching he had grown weary of giving?
"When am I to go?" I asked after awhile.
"To-morrow morning; you can stay longer if you wish."
"No, thank you."
"Is there anything you wish for? Tell me freely."
"I should like to see all your drawings again and to arrange them; they want it, I know."
He put me down, rose, brought me the portfolios, and emptied their contents for me. I began my task; I had the spirit of order in details which most women possess; I had often before been of use to Cornelius in such matters, and I found a sorrowful pleasure in being of use to him again, in leaving him this last token of my presence. I could not cease loving him because he chose to banish me; the less I received and the more I gave; it seemed as if what he withdrew, I should make up, that the sum of love between us might never grow less.
Whilst I was busy with my task, Cornelius worked. Every now and then I ventured to disturb him: either it was a drawing I wanted him to look at, or I begged of him to notice the system of my arrangement.
"Because, you know," I once observed, "I shall not be here to tell you."
"Very true," he replied, rather ruefully.
I believe he was not prepared for so entire and resigned a submission. He forgot that it was only in the presence of Miriam he could not master me. My docility seemed to affect him more than might have done my tears, had I shed any. His kind face became quite sorrowful; once he left by his work to come and look over my task, and seeing a little drawing in which he had represented himself at his easel with me looking on, and which we had christened "The Artist's Studio," he told me to leave it out, for that he should hang it up.
"Will you indeed?" I said.
I was kneeling on the floor, with the drawings scattered around me; he sat half behind me; I turned round and looked up into his face, smiling with mingled pleasure and sadness. He took my head in both his hands, and looked at me intently; there seemed a charm that kept my eyes on his.
"Ah!" he said at length, "if I dare! but I should only repent it the next five minutes—so it must not be."
With this he rose, and came not again near me. My task occupied me for the whole of that day; it served to divert me. I did not however grieve so very much; there was a sort of incredulousness in my heart which I could not conquer. Kate and Cornelius were much sadder than I was; they knew that it was to be, and I felt as if it were, though decreed, impossible. But when I came down to breakfast on the following morning, when I saw the sorrowful face of Kate, and met the troubled glance of Cornelius, I suddenly awoke to the dread reality. I sat down to table as usual, but I could not eat. Cornelius pressed me, uselessly; even to please him I could touch nothing. It was a beautiful Spring morning, and I was not to go for another hour.
"Shall I give you a walk in the lanes?" suddenly asked Cornelius, turning to me.
"Thank you," I replied, in a low tone, "I prefer the garden."
He took me by the hand and led me out; I liked that little garden, where I had spent so many happy hours, and from which I was now going to part. I looked at the shrubs, trees, and flowers, at the very grass and earth on which I trod, with lingering love and tenderness; but I said nothing. Cornelius looked down at me, laid his hand on my shoulder, and said abruptly—
"Daisy, will you promise not to be jealous?"
An eager and joyful "Yes" rose to my lips—a most bitter thought checked it.
"I cannot," I exclaimed, desperately, "I cannot, Cornelius."
"You will not promise?" he said.
"I cannot."
He looked at me very fixedly, but uttered not a word of praise or blame.
"Daisy," called the sad voice of Kate from the house, "come and get ready, child."
I was obeying; Cornelius detained me to observe—
"Ask me for something before we part."
"I have nothing to ask for, Cornelius."
But he insisted—I yielded:
"If when the time comes you will write to tell me whether your picture is exhibited or not, I shall like it, Cornelius."
"Have you nothing else to ask for?"
"Nothing else," I replied, looking up at him.
Love is proud: he was banishing me—what could I want with his gifts? He said nothing, and allowed me to go in.
At length came the moment of our separation. I was ready and in the parlour again; the cab was waiting in the lane. Miss O'Reilly, who was to take me, said abruptly—
"Go and bid Cornelius good-bye."
I went up to him trembling from head to foot. He sat by the table reading the newspaper: he laid it down, looked at me, then took me in his arms.
All my fortitude forsook me on finding myself once more clasped in the embrace from which I should so soon be severed. I wept and sobbed passionately on his shoulder. I felt as if I could and would not go—as if it were impossible; a thing to be spoken of, never carried into effect. Cornelius pressed me to his heart, and tried to hush away my grief, but ineffectually. At length he said, very ruefully—
"Oh, Daisy!"
Looking up, I saw that his eyes were dim. I grew silent at once, ashamed to have moved him so much.
"Well!" said Kate.
"Yes," replied her brother. He gave me a kiss, put me down; Kate hurried me away, and it was over.
We passed through the garden and entered the cab, which rolled down the lane. I remembered how tenderly Cornelius had once cared for me during the whole of a long journey; how he had carried me when I could not walk, and brought me, wrapped up in his cloak and sleeping in his arms, to the home whence he now banished me. And remembering these things, I cried as if my heart would break.
"Nonsense," said Kate, "I am not going to stand that, you know."
She spoke in the oddest of her many odd ways. I looked up—her bright eyes were glittering—she passed her arm around me, made me lay my head on her shoulder, and kissed me with unusual tenderness.
"Poor little thing!" she said, gently, "your troubles begin early, and yet, take my word for it, they will not last nor seem so severe after a time. When those two are married, you and I shall live together and be quite happy."
"When are they to marry?" I asked.
"In a month or two. A foolish business, Midge: I thought Cornelius would have had more sense; but he is to have plenty of work from a Mr. Redmond, and on the strength of such prospects he is going to marry. He is but a boy, and he does not know better: but she does, and it is a shame of her to take him in."
"I thought Miss Russell had money."
"So she has; but I know Cornelius; he won't live on his wife's money; he will do paltry work to support himself, lose all his time in copying bad pictures, and ruin his prospects as an artist,—all that because he could not wait a year or two. Ah well! I hope he may not repent it; I hope he may always love her as much as he does now. Don't fret, child; he never deserved such a good little girl as you have been to him."
"Oh, Kate, it is not for that I fret, but is it possible Cornelius can think of giving up painting? it cuts me to think of it."
"He does not think of it, foolish fellow! He does not see that he is tying himself down; just as he does not see that it is to please her he is sending you away. He thinks it is all his idea, whereas I know very well that of his own accord Cornelius O'Reilly would never have dreamed of parting from the child of Edward Burns. To be sure, I might have insisted on keeping you, for the house is mine, but for your own sake I would not make an annoyance of you to him. One must always let men have their way, and find out their own mistake; he will regret you yet, Daisy."
Thus she talked and strove to comfort me, until, after a long drive, we stopped at the door of the Misses Clapperton.
They resided in a detached villa, very Moorish-looking, with windows small enough to satisfy even the jealousy of a Turk, a flat roof admirably calculated for taking cold on, and a turret that threateningly overlooked a classic villa opposite, and gave the whole building a fortified, chivalric, arabesque air, confirmed by its euphonious name— Alhambra Lodge. I knew the Alhambra through the medium of Geoffrey Crayon, and devoutly hoped it did not resemble this. On the left of the Alhambra arose an imitation old English cottage, with tiny gable-ends and transversal beams artistically painted on the walls; on the right a Swiss chalet told a whole story of pastoral innocence, and made one transform into an EnglishRanz des Vachesthe cry of "milk from the cow" coming up the street; further on arose a Gothic mansion—but peace be to the domestic architecture of England! We were received in a comfortable- looking parlour—not in the least Moorish—by Miss Mary Clapperton. She was short, deformed, grotesquely plain, but had a happy, good-natured face, and intelligent black eyes, of bird-like liveliness. She spoke volubly, called me "a dear," and laughed and chatted at an amazing rate. We had scarcely sat down, when her sister, Ann Clapperton, entered the room. She proved to be the very counterpart of Mary. There never was such a perfect likeness, even to their voice and their very expressions. As they dressed alike they puzzled every one. All the time I was with them, I never could know which was which; to this day I remember them as a compound individual, answering to the name of Mary-Ann Clapperton.
Everything had been settled beforehand, so Kate only had to bid me good- bye. It was a quiet parting; she promised to come and see me soon, and, in return, made me promise not to fret. So far as tears went, I kept my word. I was not much given to weeping, and pride alone would have checked outward grief in the presence of strangers. I sat looking at the Misses Clapperton, who looked at me very kindly, and conversed about me as much as two persons who never had a separate thought could be said to converse. The only difference I found between them was that one, I believe it was Mary, suggested ideas which the other immediately converted into facts, as in the following whispered dialogue—
"Ann, she looks delicate."
"She is delicate, Mary."
"I fancy she is intelligent."
"I am sure she is."
I did not hear the rest of the conference; it was brief, and ended by one of the Misses Clapperton—-I think it was Mary, but I am not quite sure, for in turning about they had, as it were, mingled—asking me if I should not like to become acquainted with my future companions; on my replying "Yes," she took me by the hand, and led me out into a green garden, all lawn and gravel path, where I was formally introduced to, and left alone with, the two Misses Brook.
Jane and Fanny Brook were orphan sisters of fourteen and fifteen; fine, fresh, romping girls, with crisp black hair, cheeks like roses, and ivory teeth. They looked as demure as nuns whilst Miss Clapperton was by, but no sooner was her back turned than they began to whisper and giggle. Then suddenly addressing me as I stood by them, feeling silent and lonely, Jane said—
"Will you run?"
"I never run; I cannot."
"Try," observed Fanny.
They caught me between them and whirled me off, but they were soon obliged to pause. I had stopped short, all out of breath.
"I told you I could not run," I said, a little offended at their free manner.
"Poor little thing!" compassionately exclaimed Jane.
"Will you race?" asked her sister.
"I don't mind if I do."
A laburnum, at the end of the lawn, was fixed as the goal. They made me arbiter. I sat down on a wooden bench to look; they started off at once, reached the tree at the same moment, knocked one another down in their eagerness—then rose all tumbled and disordered, and ran back to me.
"I was first, was I not?" cried Jane.
"Indeed you were not. It was I, was it not?"
"Indeed," I replied, "I don't know which it was. I think you both reached it at once."
This impartial decision displeased them both. They said I was ill-natured and sly, got reconciled at my expense, and began a gentle sport of their own invention, called "the hunt." It consisted in one of the Misses Brook running the other down, which she did most successfully, and then submitted to being run down in her turn. My arrival had converted this into a holiday; so when the hunt was over, Fanny amused herself with a bow and quivers, whilst Jane swung herself to and fro from the laburnum. I looked on with wonder, and thought I had never seen such odd girls.
The strangeness of everything made the day seem doubly long. So sudden and violent a separation from all I knew and loved was more irritated than soothed by the new objects and new faces to which I was compelled to give my attention, but which could not absorb my thoughts. I welcomed evening with a sense of relief, and a hope that it would bring me silence and comparative solitude. I shared a large, cheerful, airy bedroom with the two sisters, who slept together. At first they were very quiet, but after a while I heard a low rustling sound of paper that seemed to proceed from under their bedclothes; then one whispered the other—
"Do you think she is asleep?"
"Try," was the laconic reply.
"What a beautiful moonlight!" observed the voice of Jane aloud.
"Oh, very!" emphatically answered Fanny.
"Do you like the moonlight?" asked Jane, seeming to address me.
"Yes, I like it." I replied; I could scarcely utter the words, my heart was so full of the lost home, with its quaint garden, sun-dial, and old trees, on which the same moon that chequered the drawn window-blind shone at this hour.
On hearing my reply, the two sisters held a whispered consultation, which ended in Fanny saying in a subdued tone—
"Will you have some sweetstuff?"
"Thank you," I replied, rather astonished, "I never eat sweets; I do not like them."
This answer appeared to produce a very unfavourable impression. The sisters seemed to think me a traitor and a spy, and to repent their imprudent confidence. Of this, though I could not see them, I was intuitively conscious.
"You need not be afraid that I should tell," I observed, somewhat indignantly.
They both said in a breath "they were sure I would not," and very kindly pressed me to share their dainties.
"Don't be afraid," encouragingly remarked Jane, "there is plenty of it."
"A whole bagful," added Fanny, whose mouth seemed to be as full as her bag.
"Oh, Fanny, you greedy thing!" exclaimed Jane, "you promised not to begin until I was ready: I am sure you have taken all the candy."
I am afraid that thus it must have proved on examination, for I suddenly heard a sound slap, accompanied with a recommendation of "Take that," which, if it alluded to the slap, was wholly unnecessary, it being not merely received, but returned, with "Take that too," that proved the beginning of a regular battle.
I felt greatly disgusted; the idea of fighting in bed was essentially repugnant to my sense of decorum; but an end was soon put to the contest, by the sound of an approaching step: on hearing it the combatants stopped as if by magic.
"Say as we say," hastily whispered Jane.
I felt something alight on my bed; the door opened, and Miss Clapperton— I think it was Mary—appeared with a light in her hand, and her ugly good-humoured face wearing an expression of solemn reproof. "Young ladies," she observed, addressing the Misses Brook, "are you not ashamed of yourselves?"
"We were only laughing," glibly said Jane, "weren't we, dear?"
"Yes, dear," replied Fanny.
"We could not help it," continued Jane; "she has some sweetstuff in bed with her, and she said she would give us some, and I said I would have all the candy, and Fanny saidshewould: didn't you, dear?"
"Yes, dear."
I was amazed at the readiness of their invention, but I could not understand why Miss Clapperton looked at me so gravely. At length it came out: the perfidious Jane, knowing she would not have time to conceal the bag of sweetstuff, had tossed it on my bed, where it lay—a convincing proof of my guilt. Miss Clapperton reproved me very gently.
"She did not allow sweets," she informed me, "but of course I did not know that, although she must say that eating them thus in the dark did not look quite like unconsciousness. Still she would not be severe on the first day. The confiscation of what she could assure me was most pernicious stuff, should be my only punishment."
With this she retired.
I had not contradicted the story of Jane, but I was none the less indignant, and I meant to tell her a bit of my mind, when, to my astonishment, she chose to accuse me.
"How could you be such a ninny," she coolly asked, "as to let her carry off the bag? It will all go to that odious Polly. You could have coaxed her out of it, if you liked; a new pupil always can coax her out of anything—she is so soft."
Fanny chimed in with her sister, and both agreed in calling me a "muff," a mysterious expression that puzzled and annoyed me extremely, but which they refused to explain, saying I knew very well what it meant. At length they fell fast asleep, and left me in peace.
School reminiscences do not possess for me the universal charm ascribed to them. I was a child in years, but I had outgrown the feelings of a child: this was the torment and the happiness of my youth. A few days reconciled me however to the rough ways of Jane and Fanny Brook. They were, on the whole, kind-hearted, merry, romping girls; but I was years beyond them in everything save physical strength; I had feelings and ideas of which they entertained not the faintest conception, and, after spending nearly three years in the delightful and intellectual companionship of Cornelius and Kate, I could not care much for their childish amusements and still more childish talk. They pitied me for being so weak, and liked me because, though I could not share in their boisterous pleasures, I was of some use to them in their studies, and because, whenever I could do so, I helped them through the difficulties into which their indolence daily brought them. So much for my companions. The Misses Clapperton proved, as might have been expected from their appearance, kind-hearted, zealous teachers.
I had entered Alhambra Lodge on the Tuesday; Kate had not said that she would come on the Sunday, but I fully expected her, and when, at an early hour, I was summoned down to see a visitor, my heart beat with more joy than surprise. I entered the parlour, and I saw, not Kate, but Cornelius. I was so glad, so happy, that I could not speak. As he kissed me, he saw that my eyes were full of tears, and he chid me gaily.
My first words were—
"Is it exhibited, Cornelius?"
"What are you talking of?"
"The Happy Time; I know the Academy opened yesterday, I thought of it all the day long."
"Of course you did," he replied, smoothing my hair, "I was sure of it."
"Oh, Cornelius, do tell me."
"Can't you guess?"
His smiling face could hear but one interpretation. Overjoyed I threw my arms around his neck; he laughed, and said I looked quite wild. I know not how I looked, but I know I felt delighted.
"Is it well hung?" was my next question.
"Better than it deserves. Oh, Daisy, I have done nothing yet, but I knew you would like to know; so I came this morning to see you and to tell you."
"How glad Kate and Miss Russell must have been!" I sighed.
"Yes, but they are not crazy about my pictures like you, you foolish child. And now talk of something else. How are you? I find you pale."
"I am quite well, Cornelius."
"How do you like the Misses Clapperton?"
"They are kind; I like them."
"They give you a very good character; but one of them said something about sweetstuff which I could not make out."
"I shall tell you all about it, if you will promise not to tell again."
He gave me his word that he would not; and I related to him the whole story, by which he seemed very much amused.
"I saw them as I came in," he said, "a pair of tall, strong girls, each of whom would make a pair of you; but on the whole, how do you like them?"
"Oh! very well."
"You speak quite coolly."
"They are so childish."
"Yet they look older than you."
"So they are; but, would you believe it? they have never heard of MichaelAngelo or Raffaelle."
"Poor things!" laughed Cornelius, "how do they manage to exist?"
"Indeed I don't know. When I talk to them of painting, Jane says she should like to paint fire-screens, and Fanny says she should not care."
"They are both young Vandals," said Cornelius, "so don't waste your high ideas of Art upon them; they cannot understand anything of the sort, you know. The fact is, there are not many little girls like mine. Oh, Daisy! I don't want to reproach, but how is it that you, who are so good in everything else, have on one point been so perverse?"
I did not answer: if he did not know that my only sin was loving him too much, where was the use to tell him? I asked after Kate; he said she was well, and would come in the afternoon: then we spoke for a few minutes of other things, and he rose to leave me, promising that on his next visit he would give me a long walk.
I thought my heart would fail me at the parting, but his look checked me, and I bore this as I was learning to bear so many things—with the silent endurance that is not always resignation.
The afternoon brought me Kate's promised visit. Almost her first words were—
"So Cornelius has been here! he never told me where he was going off so early. Say he does not care for you, Midge!"
"I don't say so, Kate."
"I believe not. He nearly got into disgrace on your account."
"Into disgrace, Kate? how so?"
"Why, he was to take a walk with some one, and he was late; so he had to excuse himself I don't know how often, and, like a foolish fellow as he is, he threw it all on his visit to you, and never saw that this was the very head and front of his offending. The fact is," she added, with a profound sigh, "I never knew one who is less apt to suspect a mean, ungenerous feeling than my poor brother. He is a child, quite a child, Midge."
I heard her with a vague presentiment that this generous confidence of Cornelius would be my bane, and so it proved. Spite of his first friendly visit, he came no more near me. Miss O'Reilly called every Sunday, no matter what the weather might be. She saw that I fretted at the absence of her brother, and did her best to comfort me.
"He can scarcely help himself." she once said to me, "he means to come oftener, but every Sunday brings something new to prevent him. He is very fond of you though, often talks of you, praises you, and has hung up in his studio a little drawing of himself and you, which some one uselessly tried to make him take down."
"Yes," I replied, sighing, "he likes me, Kate, but he does not come near me; and though he promised to take me out walking with him some day, he has never done so yet."
"Then it is to come," was her philosophic reply. But, seeing this did not comfort me, she added—
"I have a great mind to tell you something; but no, I will not on reflection, it would make you conceited."
"Then I know what it is, Kate; he said I was clever, or that I would grow up to be good-looking, or something of the kind, which I care very little about; whereas I should care a great deal about his coming to see me."
"No," replied Kate, smiling, "it was nothing like that; but the other evening, when I certainly did not imagine he was thinking of you, he said all of a sudden—'I wish I had that tiresome little girl back again.' I replied, carelessly, 'Do you?' just to draw him out. 'Yes,' he answered, 'I never knew how fond of her I was until she was gone.' So there is something for you."
Affection is full of wiles. I followed the precept of drawing out just laid down by Miss O'Reilly, and said quietly—
"Is that all, Kate?"
"All!" she replied indignantly; "why, what more would you have? You ignorant little thing, don't you know that the human heart is made up of separate curious niches, and that in the heart of Cornelius you have quite a niche of your own. He loves me more than he loves you; and, alas! he loves Miriam more than us two put together; but for all that I am much deceived if he does not feel more of what is called friendship for you than for either of us; and let me tell you that friendship which is not exacted as the love of kindred, not interested like passion, is a very lovely thing. It is odd that a little girl like you should now be to him what is called a 'friend,' and yet it is so; but whether because of some secret sympathy invisible to me, or on account of your liking his pictures and painting so well, is more than I can tell."
She spoke positively: memory confirmed all she said; the words of Cornelius repeated by her gave additional proof,—for to be missed is one of the tokens love most prizes, and on which it relies most securely. The blood rushed to my heart; I looked up at Kate with mute gladness.
"Bless the child!" she exclaimed, "Daisy, what is the matter?" And she looked confounded.
"Nothing," I replied.
"Then do not look beside yourself. Oh, Midge, Midge! how will it end?"
She pushed back my hair to look into my face with a rueful glance; but my heart swam in a joy she could not check. Cornelius missed me, loved me, and loved me as his friend!
"Oh! Kate," I said, "how kind of you to tell me all this!"
"Then make much of it, for it is all you shall hear from me. No; it is no use kissing me, and looking pitiful. You are quite fond enough of him as it is."
More I could not get out of her, either then or subsequently. For some time the consciousness that Cornelius had missed me, sufficed me; but the heart is craving; mine asked for more, and not obtaining what it asked for, grew faint and weary. It sickened for the sight of his face, for the sound of his voice, for his greeting in the morning, for his kiss at night, for all it had lost and missed daily. It missed home too, the home I had loved so much, with its cheerful rooms, its ivied porch, its green garden and old trees, its sense, so sweet and pleasant, of happy liberty; its studio, where I loved to linger. Another now enjoyed the shelter and pleasantness of that home; the garden flowers yielded her their sweetest fragrance, the trees their shade; she might sit with him in the studio, alone and undisturbed, all the day long. I was ever haunted by these thoughts; the cure of absence was but a slow one for me.
Three months passed away; the wedding was put off from week to week and day to day, to the great vexation of Kate.
"It is not that I am in a hurry for it," she said to me, when I questioned her on the subject, "but I do not like to see my poor brother made a fool of. I am sure Miriam plays with him, as a cat with a mouse. He can think of nothing else. He was not half so bad in the beginning; but she has irritated him into a perfect fever. Ah well! I wish it may not cool too much after marriage, that is all."
"I wish they were married," I said, sadly, "for then I might at least be with you, and see him now and then."
Kate took both my hands in her own, and looked at me very earnestly.
"Midge," she said, "you are now thirteen; you are old enough to hear sense, and to make up your mind as I have made up mine; think that when Cornelius is married, he is, in one sense, lost to you as well as to me; do not imagine that he will or can be the same again; do not come home with an idea that old times can return; one who has proved it can tell you, that there is no beginning over again old affections."
I looked at her wistfully, loath to believe in so hard a sentence.