Leont.—"But, if modesty attracts her,impudence may disgust her. I'll try."—p.282.
Leont.—"But, if modesty attracts her,impudence may disgust her. I'll try."—p.282.
Leont.—"But, if modesty attracts her,impudence may disgust her. I'll try."—p.282.
Croaker.What a Frenchified cover is here! That sister of mine has some good qualities, but I could never teach her to fold a letter.
Mrs. Croaker.Fold a fiddlestick! Read what it contains.
Croaker.(reading.) "Dear Nick,—An English gentleman, of large fortune, has for some time made private, though honourable, proposals to your daughter Olivia. They love each other tenderly, and I find she has consented, without letting any of the family know, to crown his addresses. As such good offers don't come every day, your own good sense, his large fortune, and family considerations, will induce you to forgive her.—Yours ever, Rachel Croaker." My daughter Olivia privately contracted to a man of large fortune! This is good news indeed. My heart never foretold me of this. And yet, how slily the little baggage has carried it since she came home! Not a word on't to the old ones, for the world! Yet I thought I saw something she wanted to conceal.
Mrs. Croaker.Well, if they have concealed their amour, they shan't conceal their wedding; that shall be public, I'm resolved.
Croaker.I tell thee, woman, the wedding is the most foolish part of the ceremony. I can never get this woman to think of the more serious part of the nuptial engagement.
Mrs. Croaker.What, would you have me think of their funeral? But come, tell me, my dear, don't you owe more to me than you care to confess? Would you have ever been known to Mr. Lofty, who has undertaken Miss Richland's claim at the Treasury, but for me? Who was it first made him an acquaintance at Lady Shabbaroon's rout? Who got him to promise us his interest? Is not he a back-stairs favourite, one that can do what he pleases with those that do what they please? Isn't he an acquaintance that all your groaning and lamentations could never have got us?
Croaker.He is a man of importance, I grant you; and yet, what amazes me is, that while he is giving away places to all the world, he can't get one for himself.
Mrs. Croaker.That perhaps may be owing to his nicety. Great men are not easily satisfied.
EnterFrench Servant.
Servant.An expresse from Monsieur Lofty. He vil be vait upon your honours instamment. He be only giving four five instruction, read two tree memorial, call upon von ambassadeur. He vil be vid you in one tree minutes.
Mrs. Croaker.You see now, my dear, what an extensive department. Well, friend, let your master know, that we are extremely honoured by this honour. Was there any thing ever in a higher style of breeding? All messages among the great are now done by express.
Croaker.To be sure, no man does little things with more solemnity, or claims more respect, than he. But he's in the right on't. In our bad world, respect is given where respect is claimed.
Mrs. Croaker.Never mind the world, my dear; you were never in a pleasanter place in your life. Let us now think of receiving him with proper respect: (a loud rapping at the door) and there he is, by the thundering rap.
Croaker.Ay, verily, there he is; as close upon the heels of his own express, as an endorsement upon the back of a bill. Well, I'll leave you to receive him, whilst I go to chide my little Olivia for intending to steal a marriage without mine or her aunt's consent. I must seem to be angry, orshe too may begin to despise my authority.
[Exit.
[Exit.
[Exit.
EnterLofty,speaking to hisServant.
Lofty.And if the Venetian ambassador, or that teazing creature the marquis, should call, I'm not at home. Dam'me, I'll be packhorse to none of them. My dear madam, I have just snatched a moment—and if the expresses to his grace be ready, let them be sent off; they're of importance. Madam, I ask a thousand pardons.
Mrs. Croaker.Sir, this honour—
Lofty.And, Dubardieu, if the person calls about the commission, let him know that it is made out. As for Lord Cumbercourt's stale request; it can keep cold: you understand me. Madam, I ask ten thousand pardons.
Mrs. Croaker.Sir, this honour—
Lofty.And, Dubardieu, if the man comes from the Cornish borough, you must do him; you must do him, I say. Madam, I ask ten thousand pardons. And if the Russian ambassador calls; but he will scarce call to-day, I believe. And now, madam, I have just got time to express my happiness in having the honour of being permitted to profess myself your most obedient humble servant.
Mrs. Croaker.Sir, the happiness and honour are all mine: and yet I'm only robbing the public while I detain you.
Lofty.Sink the public, madam, when the fair are to be attended. Ah, could all my hours be so charmingly devoted! Sincerely, don't you pity us poor creatures in affairs? Thus it is eternally; solicited for places here, teazed for pensions there, and courted everywhere. I know you pity me. Yes, I see you do.
Mrs. Croaker.Excuse me, sir;"Toils of empires pleasures are," as Waller says.
Lofty.Waller, Waller; is he of the house?
Mrs. Croaker.The modern poet of that name, sir.
Lofty.Oh, a modern! We men of business despise the moderns; and as for the ancients, we have no time to read them. Poetry is a pretty thing enough for our wives and daughters; but not for us. Why now, here I stand that know nothing of books; I say, madam, I know nothing of books; and yet, I believe, upon a land carriage fishery, a stamp act, or a jaghire, I can talk my two hours without feeling the want of them.
Mrs. Croaker.The world is no stranger to Mr. Lofty's eminence in every capacity.
Lofty.I vow to gad, madam, you make me blush. I'm nothing, nothing, nothing, in the world; a mere obscure gentleman. To be sure, indeed, one or two of the present ministers are pleased to represent me as a formidable man. I know they are pleased to bespatter me at all their little dirty levees. Yet, upon my soul, I wonder what they see in me to treat me so. Measures, not men, have always been my mark; and I vow, by all that's honourable, my resentment has never done the men, as mere men, any manner of harm—that is, as mere men.
Mrs. Croaker.What importance, and yet what modesty!
Lofty.Oh, if you talk of modesty, madam; there, I own, I'm accessible to praise: modesty is my foible: it was so, the Duke of Brentford used to say of me. I love Jack Lofty, he used to say: no man has a finer knowledge of things; quite a man of information; and when he speaks upon hislegs, by the Lord he's prodigious; he scouts them: and yet all men have their faults; too much modesty is his, says his grace.
Mrs. Croaker.And yet, I dare say, you don't want assurance when you come to solicit for your friends.
Lofty.O, there indeed I'm in bronze. Apropos, I have just been mentioning Miss Richland's case to a certain personage; we must name no names. When I ask, I am not to be put off, madam. No, no, I take my friend by the button. "A fine girl, sir; great justice in her case. A friend of mine. Borough interest. Business must be done, Mr. Secretary. I say, Mr. Secretary, her business must be done, sir." That's my way, madam.
Mrs. Croaker.Bless me! you said all this to the secretary of state, did you?
Lofty.I did not say the secretary, did I? Well, curse it, since you have found me out I will not deny it. It was to the secretary.
Mrs. Croaker.This was going to the fountain head at once; not applying to the understrappers, as Mr. Honeywood would have had us.
Lofty.Honeywood! he-he! He was, indeed, a fine solicitor. I suppose you have heard what has just happened to him?
Mrs. Croaker.Poor dear man! No accident, I hope.
Lofty.Undone, madam, that's all. His creditors have taken him into custody. A prisoner in his own house.
Mrs. Croaker.A prisoner in his own house! How! At this very time? I'm quite unhappy for him.
Lofty.Why, so am I. The man, to be sure, was immensely good-natured; but then, I could never find that he had anything in him.
Mrs. Croaker.His manner, to be sure, was excessive harmless; some, indeed, thought it a little dull. For my part I always concealed my opinion.
Lofty.It can't be concealed, madam: the man was dull, dull as the last new comedy! A poor impracticable creature! I tried once or twice to know if he was fit for business, but he had scarce talents to be groom-porter to an orange barrow.
Mrs. Croaker.How differently does Miss Richland think of him! for, I believe, with all his faults, she loves him.
Lofty.Loves him! Does she? You should cure her of that, by all means. Let me see: what if she were sent to him this instant, in his present doleful situation? My life for it, that works her cure. Distress is a perfect antidote to love. Suppose we join her in the next room? Miss Richland is a fine girl, has a fine fortune, and must not be thrown away. Upon my honour, madam, I have a regard for Miss Richland; and, rather than she should be thrown away, I should think it no indignity to marry her myself.
[Exeunt.
[Exeunt.
[Exeunt.
EnterOliviaandLeontine.
Leont.And yet, trust me, Olivia, I had every reason to expect Miss Richland's refusal, as I did everything in my power to deserve it. Her indelicacy surprises me.
Olivia.Sure, Leontine, there's nothing so indelicate in being sensible of your merit. If so, I fear I shall be the most guilty thing alive.
Leont.But you mistake, my dear. The same attention I used to advance my merit with you, I practised to lessen it with her. What more could I do?
Olivia.Let us now rather consider what's to be done. We have bothdissembled too long. I have always been ashamed, I am now quite weary, of it. Sure, I could never have undergone so much for any other but you.
Leont.And you shall find my gratitude equal to your kindest compliance. Though our friends should totally forsake us, Olivia, we can draw upon content for the deficiencies of fortune.
Olivia.Then why should we defer our scheme of humble happiness, when it is now in our power? I may be the favourite of your father, it is true; but can it ever be thought, that his present kindness to a supposed child, will continue to a known deceiver?
Leont.I have many reasons to believe it will. As his attachments are but few, they are lasting. His own marriage was a private one, as ours may be. Besides, I have sounded him already at a distance, and find all his answers exactly to our wish. Nay by an expression or two that dropp'd from him, I am induced to think he knows of this affair.
Olivia.Indeed! But that would be a happiness too great to be expected.
Leont.However it be, I'm certain you have power over him; and am persuaded, if you informed him of our situation, that he would be disposed to pardon it.
Olivia.You had equal expectations, Leontine, from your last scheme with Miss Richland, which you find has succeeded most wretchedly.
Leont.And that's the best reason for trying another.
Olivia.If it must be so, I submit.
Leont.As we could wish, he comes this way. Now, my dearest Olivia, be resolute. I'll just retire within hearing, to come in at a proper time, eitherto share your danger, or confirm your victory.
[Exit.
[Exit.
[Exit.
EnterCroaker.
Croaker.Yes, I must forgive her; and yet not too easily, neither. It will be proper to keep up the decorums of resentment a little, if it be only to impress her with an idea of my authority.
Olivia.How I tremble to approach him!—Might I presume, sir—If I interrupt you—
Croaker.No, child; where I have an affection, it is not a little thing can interrupt me. Affection gets over little things.
Olivia.Sir, you're too kind. I'm sensible how ill I deserve this partiality. Yet Heaven knows there is nothing I would not do to gain it.
Croaker.And you have but too well succeeded, you little hussy, you. With those endearing ways of yours, on my conscience, I could be brought to forgive any thing, unless it were a very great offence indeed.
Olivia.But mine is such an offence—When you know my guilt—Yes, you shall know it, though I feel the greatest pain in the confession.
Croaker.Why then, if it be so very great a pain, you may spare yourself the trouble, for I know every syllable of the matter before you begin.
Olivia.Indeed! Then I'm undone.
Croaker.Ay, miss, you wanted to steal a match, without letting me know it, did you? But I'm not worth being consulted, I suppose, when there's to be a marriage in my own family. No, I'm to have no hand in the disposal of my own children. No, I'm nobody. I'm to be a mere article of family lumber; a piece of crack'd china to be stuck up in a corner.
Olivia.Dear sir, nothing but the dread of your authority could induce us to conceal it from you.
Croaker.No, no, my consequence is no more; I'm as little minded as a dead Russian in winter, just stuck up with a pipe in his mouth till there comes a thaw—It goes to my heart to vex her.
Olivia.I was prepared, sir, for your anger, and despaired of pardon, even while I presumed to ask it. But your severity shall never abate my affection, as my punishment is but justice.
Croaker.And yet you should not despair neither, Livy. We ought to hope all for the best.
Olivia.And do you permit me to hope, sir? Can I ever expect to be forgiven? But hope has too long deceived me.
Croaker.Why then, child, it shan't deceive you now, for I forgive you this very moment; I forgive you all; and now you are indeed my daughter.
Olivia.O transport! This kindness overpowers me.
Croaker.I was always against severity to our children. We have been young and giddy ourselves, and we can't expect boys and girls to be old before their time.
Olivia.What generosity! But can you forget the many falsehoods, the dissimulation——
Croaker.You did indeed dissemble, you urchin you; but where's the girl that won't dissemble for a husband? My wife and I had never been married, if we had not dissembled a little beforehand.
Olivia.It shall be my future care never to put such generosity to a second trial. And as for the partner of my offence and folly, from his nativehonour, and the just sense he has of his duty, I can answer for him that——
EnterLeontine.
Leont.Permit him thus to answer for himself. (Kneeling.) Thus, sir, let me speak my gratitude for this unmerited forgiveness. Yes, sir, this even exceeds all your former tenderness: I now can boast the most indulgent of fathers. The life he gave, compared to this, was but a trifling blessing.
Croaker.And, good sir, who sent for you, with that fine tragedy face, and flourishing manner? I don't know what we have to do with your gratitude upon this occasion.
Leont.How, sir, is it possible to be silent when so much obliged? Would you refuse me the pleasure of being grateful? Of adding my thanks to my Olivia's? Of sharing in the transports that you have thus occasioned?
Croaker.Lord, sir, we can be happy enough, without your coming in to make up the party. I don't know what's the matter with the boy all this day; he has got into such a rhodomontade manner all the morning!
Leont.But, sir, I that have so large a part in the benefit, is it not my duty to show my joy? Is the being admitted to your favour so slight an obligation? Is the happiness of marrying my Olivia so small a blessing?
Croaker.Marrying Olivia! marrying Olivia! marrying his own sister! Sure the boy is out of his senses! His own sister!
Leont.My sister!
Olivia.Sister! How have I been mistaken!
Aside.
Leont.Some cursed mistake in all this, I find.
Aside.
Croaker.What does the booby mean, or has he any meaning? Eh, what do you mean, you blockhead you?
Leont.Mean, sir—why, sir—only when my sister is to be married, that I have the pleasure of marrying her, sir; that is, of giving her away, sir—I have made a point of it.
Croaker.O, is that all? Give her away. You have made a point of it. Then you had as good make a point of first giving away yourself, as I'm going to prepare the writings between you and Miss Richland this very minute. What a fuss is here about nothing! Why, what's the matter now? I thought I had made you at least as happy as you could wish.
Bailiff.—"Look-ye, sir, I have arrestedas good men as you in my time."—p.290.
Bailiff.—"Look-ye, sir, I have arrestedas good men as you in my time."—p.290.
Bailiff.—"Look-ye, sir, I have arrestedas good men as you in my time."—p.290.
Olivia.Oh! yes, sir, very happy.
Croaker.Do you foresee anything, child? You look as if you did. I think if anything was to be foreseen, I have as sharp a look-out as another: and yet I foresee nothing.
[Exit.
[Exit.
[Exit.
Leontine,Olivia.
Olivia.What can it mean?
Leont.He knows something, and yet for my life I can't tell what.
Olivia.It can't be the connexion between us, I'm pretty certain.
Leont.Whatever it be, my dearest, I'm resolved to put it out of Fortune'spower to repeat our mortification. I'll haste, and prepare for our journey to Scotland this very evening. My friend Honeywood has promised me his advice and assistance. I'll go to him, and repose our distresses on his friendly bosom: and I know so much of his honest heart, that if he can't relieve our uneasinesses, he will at least share them.
[Exeunt.
[Exeunt.
[Exeunt.
ACT III.
ACT III.
ACT III.
Scene.—Young Honeywood'sHouse.
Bailiff,Honeywood,Follower.
Bailiff.Look-ye, sir, I have arrested as good men as you in my time; no disparagement of you neither. Men that would go forty guineas on a game of cribbage. I challenge the town to show a man in more genteeler practice than myself.
Honeyw.Without all question, Mr. ——. I forget your name, sir?
Bailiff.How can you forget what you never knew? he, he, he!
Honeyw.May I beg leave to ask your name?
Bailiff.Yes, you may.
Honeyw.Then, pray, sir, what is your name, sir?
Bailiff.That I didn't promise to tell you; he, he, he! A joke breaks no bones, as we say among us that practise the law.
Honeyw.You may have reason for keeping it a secret perhaps.
Bailiff.The law does nothing without reason. I'm ashamed to tell my name to no man, sir. If you can show cause, as why, upon a special capus, that I should prove my name—But, come, Timothy Twitch is my name. And, now you know my name, what have you to say to that?
Honeyw.Nothing in the world, good Mr. Twitch, but that I have a favour to ask, that's all.
Bailiff.Ay, favours are more easily asked than granted, as we say among us that practise the law. I have taken an oath against granting favours. Would you have me perjure myself?
Honeyw.But my request will come recommended in so strong a manner, as, I believe, you'll have no scruple. (Pulling out his purse.) The thing is only this: I believe I shall be able to discharge this trifle in two or three days at farthest; but as I would not have the affair known for the world, I have thought of keeping you, and your good friend here, about me till the debt is discharged; for which I shall be properly grateful.
Bailiff.Oh! that's another maxum, and altogether within my oath. For certain, if an honest man is to get anything by a thing, there's no reason why all things should not be done in civility.
Honeyw.Doubtless, all trades must live, Mr. Twitch, and yours is a necessary one. (Gives him money.)
Bailiff.Oh! your honour; I hope your honour takes nothing amiss as I does, as I does nothing but my dutyin so doing. I'm sure no man can say I ever give a gentleman, that was a gentleman, ill-usage. If I saw that a gentleman was a gentleman, I have taken money not to see him for ten weeks together.
Honeyw.Tenderness is a virtue, Mr. Twitch.
Bailiff.Ay, sir, it's a perfect treasure. I love to see a gentleman with a tender heart. I don't know, but I think I have a tender heart myself. If all that I have lost by my heart was put together, it would make a—but no matter for that.
Honeyw.Don't account it lost, Mr. Twitch. The ingratitude of the world can never deprive us of the conscious happiness of having acted with humanity ourselves.
Bailiff.Humanity, sir, is a jewel. It's better than gold. I love humanity. People may say that we, in our way, have no humanity; but I'll show you my humanity this moment. There's my follower here, little Flanigan, with a wife and four children, a guinea or two would be more to him, than twice as much to another. Now, as I can't show him any humanity myself, I must beg you'll do it for me.
Honeyw.I assure you, Mr. Twitch, yours is a most powerful recommendation. (Giving money to theFollower.)
Bailiff.Sir, you're a gentleman. I see you know what to do with your money. But, to business: we are to be with you here as your friends, I suppose. But set in case company comes.—Little Flanigan here, to be sure, has a good face; a very good face; but then, he is a little seedy, as we say among us that practise the law. Not well in clothes. Smoke the pocket-holes.
Honeyw.Well, that should be remedied without delay.
EnterServant.
Servant.Sir, Miss Richland is below.
Honeyw.How unlucky! Detain her a moment. We must improve, my good friend, little Mr. Flanigan's appearance first. Here, let Mr. Flanigan have a suit of my clothes—quick—the brown and silver—Do you hear?
Servant.That your honour gave away to the begging gentleman that makes verses, because it was as good as new.
Honeyw.The white and gold then.
Servant.That, your honour, I made bold to sell because it was good for nothing.
Honeyw.Well, the first that comes to hand then. The blue and gold. I believe Mr. Flanigan will look best in blue.
[ExitFlanigan.
[ExitFlanigan.
[ExitFlanigan.
Bailiff.Rabbit me, but little Flanigan will look well in anything. Ah, if your honour knew that bit of flesh as well as I do, you'd be perfectly in love with him. There's not a prettier scout in the four counties after a shy-cock than he. Scents like a hound; sticks like a weasel. He was master of the ceremonies to the black queen of Morocco when I took him to follow me. [Re-enterFlanigan.] Heh, ecod, I think he looks so well, that I don't care if I have a suit from the same place for myself.
Honeyw.Well, well, I hear the lady coming. Dear Mr. Twitch, I beg you'll give your friend directions not to speak. As for yourself, I know you will say nothing without being directed.
Bailiff.Never you fear me, I'll show the lady that I have somethingto say for myself as well as another. One man has one way of talking, and another man has another, that's all the difference between them.
EnterMiss Richlandand herMaid.
Miss Rich.You'll be surprised, sir, with this visit. But you know I'm yet to thank you for choosing my little library.
Honeyw.Thanks, madam, are unnecessary, as it was I that was obliged by your commands. Chairs here. Two of my very good friends, Mr. Twitch, and Mr. Flanigan. Pray, gentlemen, sit without ceremony.
Miss Rich.Who can these odd-looking men be? I fear it is as I was informed. It must be so.
Aside.
Bailiff(after a pause). Pretty weather, very pretty weather, for the time of the year, madam.
Follower.Very good circuit weather in the country.
Honeyw.You officers are generally favourites among the ladies. My friends, madam, have been upon very disagreeable duty, I assure you. The fair should, in some measure, recompense the toils of the brave.
Miss Rich.Our officers do indeed deserve every favour. The gentlemen are in the marine service, I presume, sir?
Honeyw.Why, madam, they do—occasionally serve in the Fleet, madam. A dangerous service.
Miss Rich.I'm told so. And I own, it has often surprised me, that, while we have had so many instances of bravery there, we have had so few of wit at home to praise it.
Honeyw.I grant, madam, that our poets have not written as our soldiers have fought; but, they have done all they could, and Hawke or Amherst could do no more.
Miss Rich.I'm quite displeased when I see a fine subject spoiled by a dull writer.
Honeyw.We should not be so severe against dull writers, madam. It is ten to one, but the dullest writer exceeds the most rigid French critic who presumes to despise him.
Follower.Damn the French, the parle vous, and all that belongs to them.
Miss Rich.Sir!
Honeyw.Ha, ha, ha, honest Mr. Flanigan. A true English officer, madam; he's not contented with beating the French, but he will scold them too.
Miss Rich.Yet, Mr. Honeywood, this does not convince me but that severity in criticism is necessary. It was our first adopting the severity of French taste, that has brought them in turn to taste us.
Bailiff.Taste us! By the Lord, madam, they devour us. Give Monseers but a taste, and I'll be damn'd, but they come in for a bellyful.
Miss Rich.Very extraordinary this.
Follower.But very true. What makes the bread rising? the parle vous that devour us. What makes the mutton five pence a pound? the parle vous that eat it up. What makes the beer threepence halfpenny a pot—
Honeyw.Ah! the vulgar rogues, all will be out. Right, gentlemen, very right upon my word, and quite to the purpose. They draw a parallel, madam, between the mental taste, and that of our senses. We are injured as much by French severity in the one, as by French rapacity in the other. That's their meaning.
Miss Rich.Though I don't see the force of the parallel, yet, I'll own, that we should sometimes pardon books, aswe do our friends, that have now and then agreeable absurdities to recommend them.
Bailiff.—"Taste us! By the Lord,madam, they devour us."—p.292.
Bailiff.—"Taste us! By the Lord,madam, they devour us."—p.292.
Bailiff.—"Taste us! By the Lord,madam, they devour us."—p.292.
Bailiff.That's all my eye. The king only can pardon, as the law says; for set in case——
Honeyw.I'm quite of your opinion, sir. I see the whole drift of yourargument. Yes, certainly our presuming to pardon any work, is arrogating a power that belongs to another. If all have power to condemn, what writer can be free?
Bailiff.By his habus corpus. His habus corpus can set him free at any time. For set in case—
Honeyw.I'm obliged to you, sir, for the hint. If madam, as my friend observes, our laws are so careful of a gentleman's person, sure we ought to be equally careful of his dearer part, his fame.
Follower.Ay, but if so be a man's nabbed, you know—
Honeyw.Mr. Flanigan, if you spoke for ever, you could not improve the last observation. For my own part, I think it conclusive.
Bailiff.As for the matter of that, mayhap——
Honeyw.Nay, sir, give me leave in this instance to be positive. For where is the necessity of censuring works without genius, which must shortly sink of themselves: what is it, but aiming our unnecessary blow against a victim already under the hands of justice?
Bailiff.Justice! O, by the elevens, if you talk about justice, I think I am at home there; for, in a course of law—
Honeyw.My dear Mr. Twitch, I discern what you'd be at perfectly, and I believe the lady must be sensible of the art with which it is introduced. I suppose you perceive the meaning, madam, of his course of law?
Miss Rich.I protest, sir, I do not. I perceive only that you answer one gentleman before he has finished, and the other before he has well begun.
Bailiff.Madam, you are a gentlewoman, and I will make the matterout. This here question is about severity and justice, and pardon, and the like of they. Now to explain the thing—
Honeyw.O! curse your explanations.
Aside.
EnterServant.
Servant.Mr. Leontine, sir, below, desires to speak with you upon earnest business.
Honeyw.That's lucky (aside.) Dear madam, you'll excuse me, and my good friends here, for a few minutes. There are books, madam, to amuse you. Come, gentlemen, you know I make no ceremony with such friends. After you, sir. Excuse me. Well, if I must; but I know your natural politeness.
Bailiff.Before and behind, you know.
Follower.Ay, ay, before and behind, before and behind.
[ExeuntHoneywood,Bailiff,andFollower.
Miss Rich.What can all this mean, Garnet?
Garnet.Mean, madam? why, what should it mean, but what Mr. Lofty sent you here to see? These people he calls officers, are officers sure enough: sheriff's officers; bailiffs, madam.
Miss Rich.Ay, it is certainly so. Well, though his perplexities are far from giving me pleasure; yet I own there's something very ridiculous in them, and a just punishment for his dissimulation.
Garnet.And so they are. But I wonder, madam, that the lawyer you just employed to pay his debts and set him free, has not done it by this time. He ought at least to have been here before now. But lawyers are always more ready to get a man into troubles, than out of them.
EnterSir William.
Sir Will.For Miss Richland to undertake setting him free, I own, was quite unexpected. It has totally unhinged my schemes to reclaim him. Yet, it gives me pleasure to find, that, among a number of worthless friendships, he has made one acquisition of real value; for there must be some softer passion on her side that prompts this generosity. Ha! here before me: I'll endeavour to sound her affections. Madam, as I am the person that have had some demands upon the gentleman of this house, I hope you'll excuse me, if, before I enlarged him, I wanted to see yourself.
Miss Rich.The precaution was very unnecessary, sir. I suppose your wants were only such as my agent had power to satisfy.
Sir Will.Partly, madam. But, I was also willing you should be fully apprised of the character of the gentleman you intended to serve.
Miss Rich.It must come, sir, with a very ill grace from you. To censure it, after what you have done, would look like malice; and to speak favourably of a character you have oppressed, would be impeaching your own. And sure, his tenderness, his humanity, his universal friendship, may atone for many faults.
Sir Will.That friendship, madam, which is exerted in too wide a sphere, becomes totally useless. Our bounty, like a drop of water, disappears when diffused too widely. They, who pretend most to this universal benevolence, are either deceivers, or dupes—men who desire to cover their private ill-nature by a pretended regard for all; or men who, reasoning themselves into false feelings, are more earnest in pursuit of splendid, than of useful virtues.
Miss Rich.I am surprised, sir, to hear one who has probably been a gainer by the folly of others, so severe in his censure of it.
Sir Will.Whatever I may have gained by folly, madam, you see I am willing to prevent your losing by it.
Miss Rich.Your cares for me, sir, are unnecessary. I always suspect those services which are denied where they are wanted, and offered, perhaps, in hopes of a refusal. No, sir, my directions have been given, and I insist upon their being complied with.
Sir Will.Thou amiable woman, I can no longer contain the expressions of my gratitude—my pleasure. You see before you one who has been equally careful of his interest: one, who has for some time been a concealed spectator of his follies, and only punished, in hopes to reclaim them—His uncle.
Miss Rich.Sir William Honeywood! You amaze me! How shall I conceal my confusion? I fear, sir, you'll think I have been too forward in my services. I confess I——
Sir Will.Don't make any apologies, madam. I only find myself unable to repay the obligation. And yet, I have been trying my interest of late to serve you. Having learnt, madam, that you had some demands upon government, I have, though unasked, been your solicitor there.
Miss Rich.Sir, I am infinitely obliged to your intentions; but my guardian has employed another gentleman, who assures him of success.
Sir Will.Who, the important little man that visits here? Trust me, madam, he's quite contemptible among men in power, and utterly unable to serve you. Mr. Lofty's promises are much better known to people of fashion than his person, I assure you.
Miss Rich.How have we been deceived! As sure as can be, here he comes.
Sir Will.Does he? Remember I'm to continue unknown. My return to England has not as yet been made public. With what impudence he enters!
EnterLofty.
Lofty.Let the chariot—let my chariot drive off, I'll visit to his grace's in a chair. Miss Richland here before me! Punctual, as usual, to the calls of humanity. I'm very sorry, madam, things of this kind should happen, especially to a man I have shown every where, and carried amongst us as a particular acquaintance.
Miss Rich.I find, sir, you have the art of making the misfortunes of others your own.
Lofty.My dear madam, what can a private man like me do? One man can't do everything; and then, I do so much in this way every day. Let me see, something considerable might be done for him by subscription; it could not fail if I carried the list. I'll undertake to set down a brace of dukes, two dozen lords, and half the lower house, at my own peril.
Sir Will.And after all, it is more than probable, sir, he might reject the offer, of such powerful patronage.
Lofty.Then, madam, what can we do? You know I never make promises. In truth, I once or twice tried to do something with him in the way of business; but as I often told his uncle, Sir William Honeywood, the man was utterly impracticable.
Sir Will.His uncle! Then that gentleman, I suppose, is a particular friend of yours?
Lofty.Meaning me, sir?—Yes, madam, as I often said, My dear SirWilliam, you are sensible I would do anything as far as my poor interest goes, to serve your family; but what can be done? there's no procuring first-rate places for ninth-rate abilities.
Miss Rich.I have heard of Sir William Honeywood; he's abroad in employment; he confided in your judgment, I suppose.
Lofty.Why, yes, madam; I believe Sir William had some reason to confide in my judgment; one little reason, perhaps.
Miss Rich.Pray, sir, what was it?
Lofty.Why, madam—but let it go no further—it was I procured him his place.
Sir Will.Did you, sir?
Lofty.Either you or I, sir.
Miss Rich.This, Mr. Lofty, was very kind, indeed.
Lofty.I did love him, to be sure; he had some amusing qualities; no man was fitter to be toastmaster to a club, or had a better head.
Miss Rich.A better head?
Lofty.Ay, at a bottle. To be sure he was as dull as a choice spirit; but hang it, he was grateful, very grateful; and gratitude hides a multitude of faults.
Sir Will.He might have reason, perhaps. His place is pretty considerable, I'm told.
Lofty.A trifle, a mere trifle, among us men of business. The truth is, he wanted dignity to fill up a greater.
Sir Will.Dignity of person, do you mean sir? I'm told he's much about my size and figure, sir.
Lofty.Ay, tall enough for a marching regiment; but then he wanted a something—a consequence of form—a kind of a—I believe the lady perceives my meaning.
Miss Rich.O perfectly; you courtiers can do any thing, I see.
Lofty.My dear madam, all this is but a mere exchange; we do greater things for one another every day. Why as thus, now; let me suppose you the first lord of the treasury; you have an employment in you that I want; I have a place in me that you want; do me here, do you there: interest on both sides, few words, flat, done and done, and it's over.
Sir Will.A thought strikes me (aside). Now you mention Sir William Honeywood, madam, and as he seems, sir, an acquaintance of yours, you'll be glad to hear he's arrived from Italy; I had it from a friend who knows him as well as he does me, and you may depend on my information.