Mattenters. MeantimeReniehas crept to upper conservatory door and gone off signing toLucasto keep silence. He has taken the letter out of his pocket and held it up for her to see, putting it back beforeMattenters.
Mattenters. MeantimeReniehas crept to upper conservatory door and gone off signing toLucasto keep silence. He has taken the letter out of his pocket and held it up for her to see, putting it back beforeMattenters.
Matt.Ah, Lucas. So you've got here. Happy New Year!
Lucas.Happy New Year, Uncle Matt. [Cordially shaking hands.
Matt.Glad to see you back in England.
Lucas.Glad to be back!
Matt.How's the arm?
Lucas.Splendid—nearly well. Dolly and Harry all right?
Matt.First rate. They'll be here directly.
Lucas.The Sturgesses are here again, Criddle tells me.
Matt.Ye-es.
Lucas.Gray matter still going strong?
Matt.Booming.
Lucas.How's Mrs. Sturgess?
Matt.As usual, a little inclined to flop about and play act——
Lucas.Yes. Jolly good-looking woman though, eh?
Matt.Very. Lucas——
Lucas.Well?
Matt.You're quite cured, eh?
Lucas.Cured?
Matt.Of your infatuation for her.
Lucas.Infatuation? Well, I admired her, and perhaps it was lucky I was ordered out to India——
Matt.I managed that for you, my boy.
Lucas.You did!?
Matt.Sir John wanted a smart A.D.C., so I drove over to Aldershot, urged your claims, and got you the appointment.
Lucas.So that was why I was packed off. It was you who——
Matt.Aren't you thankful I did?
Lucas.Yes, much obliged to you, much obliged!
Matt.So you ought to be. And so's the lady.
Lucas.Is she?
Matt.Yes. When we got your wire yesterday saying you'd motor down to-day, Dolly had a long talk with her, and the result was she thanked Dolly and me for getting you out of the way and saving her from you.
Lucas.Did she?
Matt.Yes, for twenty minutes. She kissed Dolly, and I think she would have kissed me, only I didn't feel myself quite worthy.
Lucas.Oh, so that's all settled!
Matt.That's all settled. At least, let's hope so.
Lucas.What do you mean?
Matt.Well, you won't come——
Lucas.What?
Matt.The same old game.
Lucas.What same old game?
Matt.Why,thesame old game!
Lucas.You must be judging me by yourself, when you were young.
Matt.My dear boy, that's just what I am doing. Lucas, there's not going to be any repetition——
Lucas.No—no.
Matt.Because it isn't the right thing to do, is it?
Lucas.No.
Matt.Very well then, don't do it!
Lucas.I won't! [Listening.] Ah! [DollyandHarry'svoices heard in hall] Dolly and Harry!
DollyandHarryenter very lovingly.
DollyandHarryenter very lovingly.
Lucas.Hillo, Doll, old girl! Happy New Year!
Dolly.Happy New Year, Lu!
Lucas.Harry, old brick, how goes it?
Harry.Splendid!
Lucas.Happy New Year!
Harry.Happy New Year! [Looking lovingly atDolly.] By Jove, Doll, you can foot it. [ToLucas.] Doll and I have just raced up from the farm. She licked me! bless her!
Dolly.Yes, because you encouraged me!
Harry.[Looking at her lovingly and admiringly, kisses her heartily.] There aren't many things this little woman can't do.
Dolly.When you encourage me!
Harry.Oh, I'll encourage you!
[He again kisses her heartily.
[He again kisses her heartily.
Harry.Well, Lu, old boy, glad to see you home again. Arm pretty bad?
Lucas.No, nearly well, unfortunately.
Dolly.Down for the day?
Lucas.Well, now my car has broken down, I was wondering if you'd put me up——
Dolly.[Firmly.] No. We shall be pleased for you to stay to dinner.
Harry.There's the spare room, Doll.
Dolly.[Firmly.] No. That may be wanted for Renie or myself.
Harry.[Half aside to her.] I say, not for you, old girl!
Lucas.Oh, well, I shall have to get a shake-down at the Red Lion.
EnterRenieat back, still in outdoor clothes.
Renie.[Feigning a little surprise.] Captain Wentworth! A happy New Year!
Lucas.Happy New Year, Mrs. Sturgess.
[Shaking hands.
[Shaking hands.
Renie.So sorry to hear of your wound!
Lucas.Oh, it's healed, thank you.
Renie.I'm so glad. Shall you be making a long stay in England?
Lucas.I fear only a few days longer.
Renie.I'm sorry your visit will be so short.
Criddleenters triumphantly with the hospital box which is very mouldy and dusty—he has also duster in his hand.
Criddle.I've found him, sir—
Matt.Rather mouldy, eh?
Criddle.Oh, we'll soon put that to rights, sir.
[Begins to dust the box carefully.
[Begins to dust the box carefully.
Matt.Looks well for your household discipline here, Harry.
Harry.How?
Matt.You've had no occasion to use him lately.
Criddle.[Displaying the box, having carefully dusted it.] There he is, sir, Hospital for Incurables! Nearly as good as new.
Matt.Where did you find him?
Criddle.In the wine-cellar, of all places! I was getting out a bottle of the sixty-eight port for New Year's night, and happening to put my hand behind, there he was!
Harry.[Has a sudden gesture of remembrance.] Yes, I remember!
Matt.What should incurables be doing in the wine-cellar? [Holds out his hand toCriddlefor the box.Criddle,who has been holding it carefully, gives it toMatt.ExitCriddle.Mattgives the box a shake. It rattles as if half full of coins. He shakes it again, more violently; it rattles again.] Internal organs sound healthy. How did he get into the wine-cellar, Harry?
Harry.Well, Dolly and I had been having a little tiff one morning—nothing serious——
Matt.No. When was that?
Harry.March, wasn't it?
Dolly.May, I think——
Harry.No, it wasn't that one—Well, never mind, I got so riled at Dolly always poking this box in front of me whenever I happened to—so I thought the wine-cellar would be the safest place for it.
Matt.[Gives it another rattle.] Well, here he is, turned up just at the right moment! And here you all are, Dolly, Harry, Lucas, Mrs. Sturgess—allclamouring for me to redeem my promise and put in a sovereign for each of you.
Criddleappears at door announcingMr. Pilcher.Pilcherenters with four oblong brown paper parcels of equal size. ExitCriddle.
Pilcher.Happy New Year to you all! Excuse me. [Depositing his parcels.] My New Year's gifts to a few of my parishioners!
Dolly.New Year's gifts!
Pilcher.To those who need them. [Shaking hands with her.] Happy New Year, Mr. Barron!
[Shaking hands.
[Shaking hands.
Matt.Happy New Year!
Pilcher.How do this morning, Telfer! [Harrynods.] My dear Mrs. Sturgess! [Shaking hands.
Renie.Happy New Year! What a lovely sermon you gave us again last night!
Pilcher.Lovely! Well, say healthy, bracing.
Harry.A jolly good rouser again. Made me feel—well——
[Gives himself a shake.
[Gives himself a shake.
Pilcher.Ah, Captain Wentworth, happy New Year!
Lucas.[Shaking hands.] Happy New Year!
Pilcher.I heard you were wounded——
Lucas.Oh, that's done with.
Matt.We were just talking about our New Year's inquest——
Pilcher.Inquest?!
Matt.Into the characters of Dolly and Harry and——
[Glancing atRenieandLucas.
[Glancing atRenieandLucas.
Dolly.Oh, please don't talk about inquests. Nobody's character is dead here.
Matt.I hope not! We shall see——
Lucas.Uncle, you don't really mean——
Matt.It was a bona fide bargain on my side, but if you wish to avoid any awkward little exposures, orif Mr. Pilcher will kindly waive his claims to my contributions——
Pilcher.I'm afraid I can't. I have come here for the express purpose of bearing away my trophy—Ah! [Seeing box on table, takes it, gives it a shake; his features assume a pleasant smile.] It seems to have proved a very wholesome household regulator.
Harry.Yes, by Jove! It hadn't been in the house twenty-four hours before I put in a sovereign.
Pilcher.A sovereign?
Harry.The first night of last year Dolly and I had a little tiff—nothing serious—and so the next morning I made it up and—didn't I, Dolly?——
Dolly.You did! And paid my bills like a lamb, you dear!
Pilcher.And put in a sovereign? [Rattles the box again.] I won't say "Don't have any more household tiffs," but I will say "Don't omit to liquidate them." [Gives the box another rattle.] The box must have been in pretty constant use since——
Harry.Ye-es.
Professor Sturgessenters at back, with the proofs of his book in his hand.
Prof.How do you do?
Pilcher.[Has put down box.] How do you do? [Shaking hands.] Happy New Year!
Prof.Happy New Year to you! [ToLucas.] How d'ye do?
Lucas.First rate. Happy New Year!
[Shaking hands.
[Shaking hands.
Prof.Thank you. An accident?
Lucas.Bit of one. Getting over it.
Prof.If I might recommend the constant use of Pableine.
Lucas.Oh, thanks, it's quite well——
Prof.Try Pableine. It's a wonderful restorative. I'm intruding——
[Looking round.
[Looking round.
Pilcher.Not at all. We were just about to settle the question Mr. Barron raised last New Year's day——
Prof.Oh, yes; I remember! Curiously enough I have only this morning received the proofs of my new volume, "Free Will, the Illusion."
[Showing the proofs toPilcher.
[Showing the proofs toPilcher.
Pilcher.Very interesting. I should like to discuss the matter with you, but [taking out watch] I have so many New Year's calls to make. [Looking atMatt.] Perhaps we ought to get on with the—a——
Matt.Inquest.
Pilcher.Vindication.
Matt.[Accepting the correction.] Vindication.
Prof.I may perhaps be allowed to point out that Mr. Barron's novel and humorous experiment can in no sense be said to settle, or even to touch, the question of Free Will, which as I have proved here depends upon—— [Again offering the proof.
Pilcher.I should like to look through those sheets, but——
[Glancing atMatt.
[Glancing atMatt.
Prof.You shall! I have put the whole argument into the concrete case of Sarah Mumford——
Pilcher.Sarah Mumford?
Prof.The baby farmer——
Matt.Sarah's gray matter gone watery?
Prof.Not watery, but she had a yellow effusion——
Matt.I suppose that's just as bad?
Prof.Quite.
Matt.What did they do with her?
Prof.They hanged her. They then discovered extensivelesionsand this yellow effusion——
Matt.Pity they didn't discover that before they hanged her.
Prof.My exact point! Where is the justice of punishing a woman whose gray matter functions perversely? It is nothing short of a crime.
Dolly.But she had suffocated five dear little babies?
Matt.How could she avoid suffocating babies if she had a yellow effusion in her brain?
Prof.Precisely my argument——
[Puts his proofs intoMatt'shands. Points out a passage.Matt,a little embarrassed, takes them, looks through them.]
[Puts his proofs intoMatt'shands. Points out a passage.Matt,a little embarrassed, takes them, looks through them.]
Prof.The point I wish to establish is this. While we all allow that extensive or recognizable diseases of, or injuries to, the brain, free a man from responsibility and punishment, how can we logically mete out blame or praise, punishment or reward to our ordinary acts, thoughts, and impulses, seeing that all our acts, thoughts, and impulses, good or bad, virtuous or criminal, are equally the mere expressions of certain inevitable physical changes in the brain, the mere register on the dial plate of consciousness of necessary predetermined complications in the working of certain atoms of the gray matter of our cortex?
Matt.Quite so! Quite so! [Dollyis about to speak, butMatthushes her down with a warning look and sign.] The Professor wants to say with Socrates that no man would be such a fool as to do wrong, if he could possibly help it.
Prof.Well, if you like to put it that way——
Pilcher.And now perhaps we might proceed. Can you remember the exact terms, Mr. Barron?
Matt.I am to pay a sovereign for everyone of your hearers who has so far benefited by the wise admonitions of your last year's sermon as to have broken off his bad habits, or some especial bad habit——
Lucas.We aren't bound to say what the habit is that we've broken off?
Matt.I don't wish to be inquisitive, but if you don't mention the particular bad habit, you will have to give me your word of honor that you've conquered it. [Putting down proofs on table, taking up the money-box, giving it a shake.] Now, who will be first to step into the confessional? [Looking round.
Dolly.I will. As I've nothing to confess.
Matt.Nothing?
Dolly.No. I had what some husbands might think a bad habit, but——
Harry.No bills this Christmas, eh, Doll?
Dolly.No.
Harry.You're sure now, my darling?
Dolly.None of any importance.
Harry.What do you mean of any importance?
Dolly.Well, you must have some bills—they grow up before you know—such as Doctors' bills—you can't settle them all on the spur of the moment, but I've nothing—nothing of importance. So please put in your sovereign for me, Dad, and look pleasant about it.
Matt.You declare upon your word of honor that you have broken off your bad habit of running up bills?
Dolly.Yes.
Matt.Entirely?
Dolly.Yes. You said you wouldn't be inquisitive.
Matt.Yes, but——
Pilcher.Mrs. Telfer has given her word. I think I may claim one victory for free will, [nodding victoriously at theProfessorwho shakes his head], and one sovereign for the Blanket Club.
Matt.Hum! [Draws a sovereign out of his pocket and very reluctantly drops it into the box, shakes his head atDollywho looks a little uncomfortable.] Who volunteers next?
Renie.I do. No—I'll wait a little—I want to makesure that I am perfectly honest with myself and with everybody.
Matt.That perhaps may need a little consideration, Lucas?
Lucas.Oh, let Harry have his doing first!
Matt.Now, Harry!
Harry.Oh, well, here goes! I'm going to make a clean breast. The fact is I've made a thundering mess of it.
Matt.Ah!
Harry.I did begin all right except for a little tiff with Dolly—and then I kept on pretty well for some time, and then—well I don't know—I seemed to go all to pieces and—[Mattrattles the money-box.] However, better luck this year.
Pilcher.Shall we say a little more resolution?
Harry.Oh, I mean to pull myself together this year.
Matt.Perhaps you tried too much reforming, Harry—too many irons in the fire, eh?
Harry.Well, it's jolly hard to keep it up. And I'd got pretty slack till you woke us up last night—I say, that was a rouser again.
Pilcher.It wasn't a very bad sermon, was it? Well now for the next year shall we make one especial effort in one especial direction—Say——
Dolly.Temper, eh, Harry?
Harry.Right, old girl! Oh, I mean it.
Matt.No victory for free will, and the Blanket Club, this time. Game and game, eh? Now which of you two——
[Looking atRenieandLucas.
[Looking atRenieandLucas.
Renie.I'll be your first victim. [Coming into the middle of the room, and posing.] It's so strange that what you started as a jest——
Matt.Oh no, in deadly earnest I assure you.
Renie.In this life who knows what is jest and whatis earnest? The least little innocent thing may turn to a tragedy in a moment——
Matt.Surely you haven't had any little tragedies?
Renie.No, last year a mere little circumstance might have turned to a tragedy—honestly I wasn't to blame, but perhaps I was a little careless, and two dear friends came to me with their counsel, and what might have been a tragedy was turned to a comedy, thanks to those two dear friends!
Prof.My dear, may I ask "what circumstance" you are alluding to?
Matt.We said we wouldn't be inquisitive——
Prof.No, but I cannot recall anything in my wife's life during the last twelve months that even approached a tragedy——
Renie.I said the affair was quite unimportant——
Prof.Then I wish, my dear, you wouldn't magnify everything, and I wish you would read solid scientific works in place of rubbishy French novels—and above all, take a little more regular exercise!
Matt.Perhaps Mrs. Sturgess may consider that little point during the coming year. Meantime, [ToRenie] may we be confident your little tragedy is ended——
Renie.Oh yes, quite.
Matt.We needn't ask its nature, but you give us your word of honor?
[Looks at her very searchingly and speaking seriously.]
[Looks at her very searchingly and speaking seriously.]
Renie.Yes, my word of honor.
Matt.Thank you.
Pilcher.Another victory.
Matt.[Looks searchingly at her, drops a sovereign in the box.] Lucas?
Lucas.[Coming cheerfully forward.] My turn for the thumbscrew!
Matt.You seem very cheerful about it.
Lucas.Yes, I'm going to make a jolly good show.
Matt.What particular bad habit have you conquered during the past year?
Lucas.I don't know that I've conquered any one in particular, but I've had a regular good go in all round, so altogether I can pat myself on the back.
Matt.But I want to know one particular habit conquered—for instance, you weren't very careful what ladies you made love to, or how many of them at the same time——
Lucas.I say, Uncle Matt, drop this——
Matt.And a year or two ago you went just a little bit off the straight——
Lucas.Oh no I didn't.
Matt.I want to know——
Lucas.Thank you, no more thumbscrew. I'm out of this before it goes any further.
Matt.It isn't going any further. [Putting his hand onLucas'sshoulder.] Give me your word of honor——
Lucas.That's all very well, it wasn't a very bad case, and I don't think you should have brought it up. But as you have—well, I did meet a lady, and I was very much attracted to her, but I summoned all my resolution, and there the matter ended.
Pilcher.I think I may claim a victory here.
Lucas.So please put in your sovereign.
Matt.[Very seriously.] If you will give me your word of honor that you have absolutely broken off——
Lucas.Yes, yes, of course I have.
[Mattputs in a sovereign, hands the box toPilcher.
[Mattputs in a sovereign, hands the box toPilcher.
Pilcher.Three victories and one draw out of four. Most satisfactory. [Taking out watch.] I must hurry off to the White House and see what they're doing there. [Rattling the box.] Excellent results! Soexcellent that I think I'm justified in making you a little New Year's gift.
[Going to his heap of brown-paper parcels.
[Going to his heap of brown-paper parcels.
Dolly.A New Year's gift! How kind of you! To me?
Pilcher.[Opening his parcel.] To you and your husband. To your husband in particular, because, although he may have fallen a little short of perfection during the last year—like some of the rest of us—yet I feel sure that during this coming year—[They have all been watching him curiously; he has now opened the parcel and displays a very bright brand new collecting box, with Crookbury Blanket Club painted on it, in large letters. It is much larger than the hospital box.] My household regulator! [Giving it toDolly.
Dolly.[Who has shown considerable disappointment on the opening of the parcel.] Crookbury Blanket Club! Thank you so much, for Harry's sake. Harry! For you, dear.
[She gives the box toHarry,who places it on the same table.]
[She gives the box toHarry,who places it on the same table.]
Dolly.You call it the household regulator?
Pilcher.Yes—I have suggested it to several of my brethren. Oh, its use will become very general throughout the diocese.
Dolly.You think it will work well?
Pilcher.It cannot fail. A box of this character—larger or smaller, according to the size of the family and their behaviour is left at each house on the first of the year. All little failings, peccadilloes, and asperities are strictly fined. The inevitable result is that either the family behaviour improves, or the parish charities benefit. I'm starting its operation in my parish to-day. Forgive any inexcusable rudeness in leaving the first box with you. I must hurry off! [Shaking hands.] Good-bye, Professor.
Prof.I should like to make that point clear with regard to free will——
Pilcher.When you have an hour, or shall I say a year, to spare, we might argue it out——
Prof.You're going to the White House? If I might accompany you——
Pilcher.Delighted!
[Shakes hands in dumb show withDollyandHarry.
[Shakes hands in dumb show withDollyandHarry.
Prof.Renie, you've had your restless fits again. You'd better come with us——
Renie.But I've already been walking——
Prof.My dear, this bracing country air is just what you need. Keep out in it all the day long——
Renie.Oh, very well—the White House, and the fish-pond as usual, I suppose?
Prof.As usual. Come along.
[Exit.Renieslightly shrugs her shoulders, very slightly glances atLucasand exit afterProfessor.
[Exit.Renieslightly shrugs her shoulders, very slightly glances atLucasand exit afterProfessor.
Lucas.The dear old fish-pond! We might all take a stroll there!
Matt.Good idea! The dear old fish-pond! We might all take a stroll there!
[Linking his arm withLucas.
[Linking his arm withLucas.
Lucas.[Suspicious, holding back.] I don't know that I care—we went there last year——
Matt.We did! Same old game, eh? Come along.
[DragsLucasoff.
[DragsLucasoff.
Pilcher.[Has been gathering up his parcels.] Well, good-bye! Good-bye! [Rattles the hospital box vigorously.] Three splendid victories for free will and moral resolution!
[Exit, rattling the box.
[Exit, rattling the box.
Harry.Doll, you really haven't got any bills this year?
Dolly.No! no! Only the few little oddments that no woman can prevent.
Harry.You might let me see the little oddments——
Dolly.I will. [Suddenly.] Oh Harry, I quite forgot! Do forgive me!
Harry.What?
Dolly.I never wrote the geyser bath people!
Harry.Never mind the geyser bath.
Dolly.And only this morning you rowed me because I hadn't got it ready for the New Year! Where did you put their address?
Harry.I don't know! Somewhere upstairs among my papers.
Dolly.[Gently pushing him off.] I can just catch to-night's post! Make haste and get it! Quick! There's a dear! And then we can get the bath fixed up for you next week.
Harry.Ye—es. I say, Doll, I mean to get those oddments fixed up to-night.
[Taps the writing-case significantly and exit.Dollylooks frightened, sees him off, goes up to writing-desk, takes out bills, looks at them, throws up her arms in despair, groans, slams down the writing-desk, looks at the chair she has touched in first act, shows great resolution, marches up and touches it.
[Taps the writing-case significantly and exit.Dollylooks frightened, sees him off, goes up to writing-desk, takes out bills, looks at them, throws up her arms in despair, groans, slams down the writing-desk, looks at the chair she has touched in first act, shows great resolution, marches up and touches it.
Dolly.Yes! Yes! I have got free will.
[Goes back from it, again looks at it, again marches up to it, touches it.
[Goes back from it, again looks at it, again marches up to it, touches it.
Dolly.Then why do I keep on having bills?
Renieenters in great agitation and distress.
Renie.Oh, Dolly!
Dolly.What's the matter?
Renie.Oh, Dolly!
Dolly.What is it?
Renie.[Throws her arms roundDollyaffectionately.] You've always been such a true friend to me——
Dolly.Yes, dear.
Renie.More like a sister. And I know I may trust you now.
Dolly.[A little suspicious.] Yes. Has anything happened?
Renie.Yes. Oh, Dolly——
Dolly.Tell me!
Renie.As we were going out at the garden gate, Captain Wentworth held out a letter behind his back for me to take——
Dolly.What?!
Renie.But now his arm is wounded he couldn't manage it properly, and he dropped it. I hurried to pick it up, and then my husband noticed and insisted on reading it——
Dolly.What was in the letter?
Renie.It wasn't so very bad, but my husband has chosen to jump to a wrong conclusion, and—oh, Dolly, you can help me!
Dolly.[Coldly, relaxing her embrace.] How?
Renie.If you'd only let me tell my husband that I was receiving it for you——
Dolly.What?!
Renie.There was no address, and fortunately it was so worded that it showed that you weren't really guilty.
Dolly.Oh! I wasn't really guilty?
Renie.In fact, it proves your complete innocence.
Dolly.I'm glad of that.
Renie.Then you'll let me say it was you?
Dolly.No! You can't suppose I should let my own cousin make love to me in my own house?!
Renie.You won't help me?
Dolly.Yes, any way but that! How could you be so foolish?
Renie.I don't know. When I heard yesterday he was coming, I quite made up my mind I'd have nothing to say to him! Dolly, free will must be an illusion, or else why am I always doing the things I don't mean to do. Oh, what shall I do?
Dolly.As you are completely innocent, you'd better ask your husband to forgive you.
Renie.Ye—es. No! As it is a perfectly pure and exalted attachment I shall take that ground—at any rate at first, and see what he says. You'll help me all you can?
Dolly.Yes, but promise me you'll have nothing to do with Lucas in future!
Renie.No, indeed! if I once get out of this.
Dolly.Very well! I'll see what I can do.—Hush!
TheProfessorenters with a letter in his hand,Mattsoothing him.
Prof.[Very angry.] Not a word more, if you please. Mrs. Telfer, you have doubtless heard——
Dolly.Yes——?
Prof.I leave for London to-night-to consult my lawyer. Mrs. Sturgess will, I trust, return to her friends until——
Matt.Perhaps Mrs. Sturgess may be able to explain——
Prof.What explanation can be offered of language like this. [Reading from letter.] "From the first moment I saw you, I felt that you were entirely different from any woman I have ever met——" Amonstrously inexact statement to start with. And a woman who is capable of practising such deceit——
[Reniebursts into tears.
[Reniebursts into tears.
Matt.I think you ought to hear what Mrs. Sturgess has to say——
Renie.[Through her tears.] What would be the use? With such a nature as his he could never begin to understand the loyal and exalted devotion which Captain Wentworth feels for me! No, all my life I have been misunderstood, misjudged, condemned! Let it be so till the end! Dolly, come and help me pack!
[Exit.Mattgoes up to table and takes up proofs ofProfessor'sbook and looks through them.
[Exit.Mattgoes up to table and takes up proofs ofProfessor'sbook and looks through them.
Dolly.You're really too severe with poor Renie——
Prof.I am not severe. I simply register the inevitable sentence of the husband upon the wife who misconducts herself!
Dolly.Misconducts herself! She has merely had a little harmless flirtation——
Prof.In my wife a flirtation of this character [pointing to letter in his hand] constitutes grave misconduct.
Dolly.But that's perfectly ridiculous! Why it might happen to any woman! Dad, explain to him——
Matt.Professor, you're taking altogether a wrong view of this. Now this case you were pointing out to me in your own book [pointing to proofs]—Number forty-nine, Mrs. Copway. Remarkably handsome woman too!—[reading] "The injustice and cruelty of condemning this poor lady must be apparent to all." My dear Professor, before publishing this book you'll have to modify your theory.
Prof.I cannot modify my theory. I have spent ten years in collecting facts which prove it.
Matt.Then, pardon me, you must really look over Mrs. Sturgess's little indiscretion.
Prof.That is equally impossible——
Matt.But you say that her action in receiving my nephew's letter was entirely due to the activity of certain atoms in the gray matter of her brain.
Prof.Undoubtedly that is so.
Dolly.Very well then, if her gray matter keeps on working wrong, what's the use of blaming her? You say yourself there's no such thing as free will——
Prof.Precisely, but I have always allowed that in the present low moral and intellectual condition of the herd of mankind, free will is a plausible working hypothesis.
Dolly.But it doesn't work! Free will won't work at all! Look at my own case! Do you suppose I should go on all my life having bills if I could help myself? [CatchingMatt'seye, who looks at her gravely and holds up his finger.] Never mind my bills! Do make him see how wrong and absurd it is to punish poor Renie when there's no such thing as free will!
Matt.Dolly's right! She's only saying what you have so admirably laid down here. My dear Professor, you cannot possibly publish this book!
Prof.But it has been announced! I must publish it.
Matt.You cannot. Read that. [Giving theProfessorthe book and pointing out passage.] Surely after that you cannot condemn Mrs. Sturgess.
Prof.[Taking book, glancing at the passage.] Really, it's most annoying when one's own wife upsets——
Matt.Oh! they're always making hay of our theories one way or the other.
Prof.Of course, if one presses the matter home to first principles——
Dolly.Yes! Yes! Well, why not act on your ownfirst principles! You ought to be very sorry for poor Renie, considering all she has suffered.
Prof.Suffered?
Dolly.Yes, poor dear! You don't know what an awful struggle she has gone through between this unfortunate flirtation and her admiration for you.
Prof.Her admiration for me!
Dolly.Yes! She always speaks of you as her great protagonist of science.
Prof.[Mollified.] Does she? Does she?
Dolly.Yes. If I were you I should go upstairs, and be very sweet to her, and above all don't reproach her. We women can endure anything except reproaches——
Prof.[Looking at his proofs.] I must publish my book. And after all, as you say, it is useless to blame them for acting according to the——
Matt.The dictates of their gray matter when, bless them, they can't help themselves. My dear Professor, instead of condemning your wife you ought to be condoling with her, and doing all you can to get her gray matter into a healthy condition.
Prof.I will hear what she has to say.
Dolly.No. Go straight to her and forgive her, and then I'm sure her gray matter will soon be all right. And what a triumph that will be for you!
Prof.It does offer a way out of the difficulty. In any case I must publish my book. [Exit.
Dolly.Dad, I won't have her here next Christmas.
Matt.No, my dear, I wouldn't.
Dolly.That wretched Lucas!
Matt.What is to be done with him?
Dolly.Pack him off! Pack him off at once!