Amph.Not one of those, I looked for, to be found,As some enchantment hid them from my sight!Perhaps, as Sosia says, 'tis witchcraft all.Seals may be opened, diamonds may be stolen;But how I came, in person, yesterday,And gave that present to Alcmena's hands,That which I never gave, nor ever came,—O there's the rock on which my reason splits!Would that were all! I fear my honour, too.I'll try her once again;—she may be mad;—A wretched remedy; but all I have,To keep me from despair.Merc.[From the Balcony, aside.]This is no very charitable action of a god, to use him ill, who has never offended me; but my planet disposes me to malice; and when we great persons do but a little mischief, the world has a good bargain of us.Amph.How now, what means the locking up of my doors at this time of day?[Knocks.Merc.Softly, friend, softly; you knock as loud, and as saucily, as a lord's footman, that was sent before him to warn the family of his honour's visit. Sure you think the doors have no feeling! What the devil are you, that rap with such authority?Amph.Look out, and see; 'tis I.Merc.You! what you?Amph.No more, I say, but open.Merc.I'll know to whom first.Amph.I am one, that can command the doors open.Merc.Then you had best command them, and try whether they will obey you.Amph.Dost thou not know me?Merc.Pr'ythee, how should I know thee? Dost thou take me for a conjurer?Amph.What's this? midsummer-moon! Is all the world gone a madding?—Why, Sosia!Merc.That's my name, indeed; didst thou think I had forgot it?Amph.Dost thou see me?Merc.Why, dost thou pretend to go invisible? If thou hast any business here, dispatch it quickly; I have no leisure to throw away upon such prattling companions.Amph.Thy companion, slave! How darest thou use this insolent language to thy master?Merc.How! Thou my master? By what title? I never had any other master but Amphitryon.Amph.Well; and for whom dost thou take me?Merc.For some rogue or other; but what rogue I know not.Amph.Dost thou not know me for Amphitryon, slave!Merc.How should I know thee, when I see thou dost not know thyself? Thou Amphitryon! In what tavern hast thou been? and how many bottles did thy business, to metamorphose thee into my lord?Amph.I will so drub thee for this insolence!Merc.How now, impudence, are you threatening your betters? I should bring you to condign punishment, but that I have a great respect for the good wine, though I find it in a fool's noddle.Amph.What, none to let me in? Why, Phædra! Bromia!——Merc.Peace, fellow; if my wife hears thee, we are both undone. At a word, Phædra and Bromia are very busy; one in making a caudle for my lady, and the other in heating napkins, to rub down my lord when he rises from bed.Amph.Amazement seizes me!Merc.At what art thou amazed? My master and my lady had a falling out, and are retired, without seconds, to decide the quarrel. If thou wert not a meddlesome fool, thou wouldst not be thrusting thy nose into other people's matters. Get thee about thy business, if thou hast any; for I'll hear no more of thee.[ExitMercuryfrom above.Amph.Braved by my slave, dishonoured by my wife!To what a desperate plunge am I reduced,If this be true the villain says?—But whyThat feebleif! It must be true; she owns it.Now, whether to conceal, or blaze the affront?One way, I spread my infamy abroad;And t'other, hide a burning coal within,That preys upon my vitals: I can fixOn nothing, but on vengeance.EnterSosia,Polidas,Gripus,andTranio.Grip.Yonder he is, walking hastily to and fro before his door, like a citizen clapping his sides before his shop in a frosty morning; 'tis to catch a stomach, I believe.Sos.I begin to be afraid, that he has more stomach to my sides and shoulders, than to his own victuals. How he shakes his head, and stamps, and what strides he fetches! He's in one of his damned moods again; I don't like the looks of him.Amph.Oh, my mannerly, fair-spoken, obedient slave, are you there! I can reach you now without climbing: Now we shall try who's drunk, and who's sober.Sos.Why this is as it should be: I was somewhat suspicious that you were in a pestilent humour. Yes, we will have a crash at the bottle, when your lordship pleases; I have summoned them, you see, and they are notable topers, especially judge Gripus.Grip.Yes, faith; I never refuse my glass in a good quarrel.Amph.[ToSos.]Why, thou insolent villain! I'll teach a slave how to use his master thus.Sos.Here's a fine business towards! I am sure I ran as fast as ever my legs could carry me, to call them; nay, you may trust my diligence in all affairs belonging to the belly.Grip.He has been very faithful to his commission. I'll bear him witness.Amph.How can you be witness, where you were not present?—The balcony, sirrah! the balcony!Sos.Why, to my best remembrance, you never invited the balcony.Amph.What nonsense dost thou plead, for an excuse of thy foul language, and thy base replies!Sos.You fright a man out of his senses first, and blame him afterwards for talking nonsense! But it is better for me to talk nonsense, than for some to do nonsense; I will say that, whate'er comes on't. Pray, sir, let all things be done decently: what, I hope, when a man is to be hanged, he is not trussed upon the gallows, like a dumb dog, without telling him wherefore.Amph.By your pardon, gentlemen; I have no longer patience to forbear him.Sos.Justice, justice!—My Lord Gripus, as you are a true magistrate, protect me. Here's a process of beating going forward, without sentence given.Grip.My Lord Amphitryon, this must not be; let me first understand the demerits of the criminal.Sos.Hold you to that point, I beseech your honour, as you commiserate the case of a poor, innocent malefactor.Amph.To shut the door against me in my very face, to deny me entrance, to brave me from the balcony, to laugh at me, to threaten me! what proofs of innocence call you these? but if I punish not this insolence——[Is going to beat him, and is held byPolidasandTranio.I beg you, let me go.Sos.I charge you, in the king's name, hold him fast; for you see he's bloodily disposed.Grip.Now, what hast thou to say for thyself, Sosia?Sos.I say, in the first place, be sure you hold him, gentlemen; for I shall never plead worth one farthing, while I am bodily afraid.Pol.Speak boldly; I warrant thee.Sos.Then if I may speak boldly, under my lord'sfavour, I do not say he lies neither: no, I am too well bred for that; but his lordship fibs most abominably.Amph.Do you hear his impudence? yet will you let me go?Sos.No impudence at all, my lord; for how could I, naturally speaking, be in the balcony, and affronting you, when at the same time I was in every street of Thebes, inviting these gentlemen to dinner?Grip.Hold a little:—How long since was it that he spoke to you from the said balcony?Amph.Just now; not a minute before he brought you hither.Sos.Now speak, my witnesses.Grip.I can answer for him for this last half hour.Pol.And I.Tran.And I.Sos.Now judge equitably, gentlemen, whether I was not a civil well-bred person, to tell my lord he fibs only?Amph.Who gave you that order, to invite them?Sos.He that best might,—yourself: By the same token, you bid old Bromia provide an' 'twere for a god, and I put in for a brace, or a leash;—no, now I think on't, it was for ten couple of gods, to make sure of plenty.Amph.When did I give thee this pretended commission?Sos.Why, you gave me this pretended commission, when you were just ready to give my lady the fiddles, and a dance; in order, as I suppose, to your second bedding.Amph.Where, in what place, did I give this order?Sos.Here, in this place, in the presence of thisvery door, and of that balcony; and, if they could speak, they would both justify it.Amph.O, heaven! These accidents are so surprising, the more I think of them, the more I am lost in my imagination.Grip.Nay, he has told us some passages, as he came along, that seem to surpass the power of nature.Sos.What think you now, my lord, of a certain twin-brother of mine, called Sosia? 'Tis a sly youth: pray heaven, you have not just such another relation within doors, called Amphitryon. It may be it was he that put upon me, in your likeness; and perhaps he may have put something upon your lordship too, that may weigh heavy upon the forehead.Amph.[To those who hold him.]Let me go; Sosia may be innocent, and I will not hurt him. Open the door, I'll resolve my doubts immediately.Sos.The door is peremptory, that it will not be opened without keys; and my brother on the inside is in possession, and will not part with them.Amph.Then 'tis manifest that I am affronted.—Break open the door there.Grip.Stir not a man of you to his assistance.Amph.Dost thou take part with my adulteress too, because she is thy niece?Grip.I take part with nothing, but the law; and, to break the doors open, is to break the law.Amph.Do thou command them then.Grip.I command nothing without my warrant; and my clerk is not here to take his fees for drawing it.Amph.[Aside.]The devil take all justice-brokers! I curse him too, when I have been hunting him all over the town, to be my witness! But I'llbring soldiers, to force open the doors, by my own commission.[ExitAmph.Sos.Pox o' these forms of law, to defeat a man of a dinner, when he's sharp set! 'Tis against the privilege of a free-born stomach; and is no less than subversion of fundamentals.[Jupiterabove in the Balcony.Jup.Oh, my friends, I am sorry I have made you wait so long: you are welcome; and the door shall be opened to you immediately.[ExitJupiter.Grip.Was not that Amphitryon?Sos.Why, who should it be else?Grip.In all appearance it was he; but how got be thither?Pol.In such a trice too!Tran.And after he had just left us!Grip.And so much altered, for the better, in his humour!Sos.Here's such a company of foolish questions, when a man's hungry! You had best stay dinner, till he has proved himself to be Amphitryon in form of law: but I'll make short work of that business; for I'll take mine oath 'tis he.Grip.I should be glad it were.Sos.How! glad it were? with your damned interrogatories, when you ought to be thankful, that so it is.Grip.[Aside.]That I may see my mistress Phædra, and present her with my great gold goblet.Sos.If this be not the true Amphitryon, I wish I may be kept without doors, fasting, and biting my own fingers, for want of victuals; and that's a dreadful imprecation! I am for the inviting, and eating, and treating Amphitryon; I am sure 'tis he that is my lawfully begotten lord; and, if you had an ounce of true justice in you, you ought to have laid hold onthe other Amphitryon, and committed him for a rogue, and an impostor, and a vagabond.[The Door is opened.Merc.[From within.]Enter quickly, masters: The passage, on the right hand, leads to the gallery, where my lord expects you; for I am called another way.[Gripus,Tranio,andPolidas,go into the House.Sos.I should know that voice by a secret instinct; 'tis a tongue of my family, and belongs to my brother Sosia: it must be so; for it carries a cudgelling kind of sound in it.—But put the worst: Let me weigh this matter wisely: Here's a beating, and a belly-full, against no beating, and no belly-full. The beating is bad; but the dinner is good. Now, not to be beaten, is but negatively good; but, not to fill my belly, is positively bad. Upon the whole matter, my final resolution is, to take the good and the bad as they come together.[Is entering:Mercurymeets him at the Door.Merc.Whither now, ye kitchen-scum? From whence this impudence, to enter here without permission?Sos.Most illustrious sir, my ticket is my hunger: Show the full bowels of your compassion to the empty bowels of my famine.Merc.Were you not charged to return no more? I'll cut you into quarters, and hang you upon the shambles.Sos.You'll get but little credit by me. Alas, sir, I am but mere carrion! Brave Sosia, compassionate coward Sosia; and beat not thyself, in beating me.Merc.Who gave you that privilege, sirrah, to assume my name? have you not been sufficiently warned of it, and received part of punishment already?Sos.May it please you, sir, the name is big enough for both of us; and we may use it in common, like a strumpet. Witness heaven, that I would have obeyed you, and quitted my title to the name; but, wherever I come, the malicious world will call me Sosia, in spite of me. I am sensible there are two Amphitryons; and why may there not be two Sosias? Let those two cut one another's throats at their own pleasure; but you and I will be wiser, by my consent, and hold good intelligence together.Merc.No, no; two Sosias would but make two fools.Sos.Then let me be the fool, and be you the prudent person; and chuse for yourself some wiser name: Or you shall be the eldest brother; and I'll be content to be the younger, though I lose my inheritance.Merc.I tell thee, I am the only son of our family.Sos.Ah! Then let me be your bastard brother, and the son of a whore; I hope that's but reasonable.Merc.No, thou shall not disgrace my father; for there are few bastards now-a-days worth owning.Sos.Ah, poor Sosia! what will become of thee?Merc.Yet again profanely using my proper name?Sos.I did not mean myself; I was thinking of another Sosia, a poor fellow, that was once of my acquaintance, unfortunately banished out of doors, when dinner was just coming upon the table.EnterPhædra.Phæd.Sosia, you and I must—Bless me! what have we here? a couple of you? or do I see double?Sos.I would fain bring it about, that I might make one of them; but he's unreasonable, and will needs incorporate me, and swallow me whole into himself. If he would be content to be but one-and-a-half, 'twould never grieve me.Merc.'Tis a perverse rascal: I kick him, and cudgel him, to no purpose; for still he's obstinate to stick to me; and I can never beat him out of my resemblance.Phæd.Which of you two is Sosia? for t'other must be the devil.Sos.You had best ask him, that has played the devil with my back and sides.Merc.You had best ask him,—who gave you the gold goblet?Phæd.No, that's already given; but he shall be my Sosia, that will give me such another.Merc.I find you have been interloping, sirrah.Sos.No, indeed, sir; I only promised her a gold thimble, which was as much as comes to my proportion of being Sosia.Phæd.This is no Sosia for my money; beat him away, t'other Sosia; he grows insufferable.Sos.[Aside.]Would I were valiant, that I might beat him away; and succeed him at the dinner, for a pragmatical son of a whore, as he is!Merc.What's that you are muttering betwixt your teeth, of a son of a whore, sirrah?Sos.I am sure, I meant you no offence; for, if I am not Sosia, I am the son of a whore, for aught I know; and, if you are Sosia, you may be the son of a whore, for aught you know.Merc.Whatever I am, I will be Sosia, as long as I please; and whenever you visit me, you shall be sure of the civility of the cudgel.Sos.If you will promise to beat me into the house, you may begin when you please with me;but to be beaten out of the house, at dinner-time, flesh and blood can never bear it.[Mercurybeats him about, andSosiais still making towards the Door; butMercurygets betwixt, and at length drives him off the Stage.Phæd.In the name of wonder, what are you, that are Sosia, and are not Sosia?Merc.If thou would'st know more of me, my person is freely at thy disposing.Phæd.Then I dispose of it to you again; for 'tis so ugly, 'tis not for my use.Merc.I can be ugly, or handsome, as I please; go to bed old, and rise young. I have so many suits of persons by me, I can shift them when I will.Phæd.You are a fool, then, to put on your worst clothes, when you come a-wooing.Merc.Go to; ask no more questions. I am for thy turn; for I know thy heart, and see all thou hast about thee.Phæd.Then you can see my backside too; there's a bargain for you.Merc.In thy right pocket:—let me see; three love letters from judge Gripus, written to the bottom, on three sides; full of fustian passion, and hearty nonsense: as also, in the same pocket, a letter of thine intended to him, consisting of nine lines and a half, scrawled and false spelled, to show thou art a woman; and full of fraudulence, and equivocations, and shoeing-horns of love to him; to promise much, and mean nothing; to show, over and above, that thou art a mere woman.Phæd.Is the devil in you, to see all this? Now, for heaven's sake, do not look in t'other pocket.Merc.Nay, there's nothing there, but a little godly prayer-book, and a bawdy lampoon, and——Phæd.[Giving a great frisk.]Look no farther, I beseech you.Merc.And a silver spoon——Phæd.[Shrieking.]Ah!——Merc.Which you purloined last night from Bromia.Phæd.Keep my counsel, or I am undone for ever.[Holding up her hands to him.Merc.No; I'll mortify thee, now I have an handle to thy iniquity, if thou wilt not love me.Phæd.Well, if you'll promise me to be secret, I will love you; because indeed I dare do no other.Merc.'Tis a good girl; I will be secret: and, further, I will be assisting to thee in thy filching; for thou and I were born under the same planet.Phæd.And we shall come to the same end too, I'm afraid.Merc.No, no; since thou hast wit enough already to cozen a judge, thou needst never fear hanging.Phæd.And will you make yourself a younger man, and be handsome too, and rich? for you, that know hearts, must needs know, that I shall never be constant to such an ugly old Sosia.Merc.Thou shalt know more of that another time; in the mean while, here is a cast of my office for thee.[He stamps upon the ground: some Dancers come from under-ground; and others from the sides of the Stage: a Song, and a fantastic Dance.MERCURY'S SONG TO PHÆDRA.Fair Iris, I love, and hourly I die,But not for a lip, nor a languishing eye:She's fickle and false, and there we agree;For I am as false and as fickle as she.We neither believe, what either can say;And, neither believing, we neither betray;'Tis civil to swear, and say things of course;We mean not the taking for better for worse.When present, we love; when absent, agree:I think not of Iris, nor Iris of me:The legend of love no couple can find,So easy to part, or so equally joined.After, the Dance.Phæd.This power of yours makes me suspect you for little better than a god; but if you are one, for more certainty, tell me what I am just now thinking.Merc.Why, thou art thinking,—let me see; for thou art a woman, and your minds are so variable, that it is very hard, even for a god, to know them,—but, to satisfy thee, thou art wishing, now, for the same power I have exercised, that thou might'st stamp like me, and have more singers come up for another song.Phæd.Gad, I think the devil's in you. Then I do stamp in somebody's name, but I know not whose:[Stamps.]Come up, gentle-folks from below, and sing me a pastoral dialogue, where the woman may have the better of the man; as we always have in love-matters.[New Singers come up, and sing a Song.A PASTORAL DIALOGUE BETWIXT THYRSISAND IRIS.Thyrsis.Fair Iris and her swainWere in a shady bower;Where Thyrsis long in vainHad sought the shepherd's hour:At length his hand advancing upon her snowy breast;He said, O kiss me longer,And longer yet, and longer,If you will make me blestIris.An easy yielding maid,By trusting, is undone;Our sex is oft betray'd,By granting love too soon.If you desire to gain me, your sufferings to redress,Prepare to love me longer,And longer yet, and longer,Before you shall possess.Thyrsis.The little care you showOf all my sorrows past,Makes death appear too slow,And life too long to last.Fair Iris kiss me kindly, in pity of my fate;And kindly still, and kindly,Before it be too late.Iris.You fondly court your bliss,And no advances make;'Tis not for maids to kiss,But 'tis for men to take.So you may kiss me kindly, and I will not rebel;And kindly still, and kindly,But kiss me not and tell.A RONDEAU.Chorus.Thus at the height we love and live,And fear not to be poor;We give, and give, and give, and give,'Till we can give no more,But what to-day will take away,To-morrow will restore:Thus at the height we love, and live,And fear not to be poor.Phæd.Adieu, I leave you to pay the music. Hope well, Mr. Planet; there is a better heaven in store for you: I say no more, but you can guess.Merc.[alone.]Such bargain-loves, as I with Phædra treat,Are all the leagues and friendships of the great;All seek their ends, and each would other cheat.They only seem to hate, and seem to love;But interest is the point on which they move.Their friends are foes, and foes are friends again,And, in their turns, are knaves, and honest men.Our iron age is grown an age of gold:'Tis who bids most; for all men will be sold.[Exit.ACT V. SCENE I.EnterGripusandPhædra.Gripushas the Goblet in his hand.Phæd.You will not be so base to take it from me?Grip.'Tis my proper chattel; and I'll seize my own, in whatever hands I find it.Phæd.You know I only showed it you, to provoke your generosity, that you might out-bid your rival with a better present.Grip.My rival is a thief; and I'll indite you for a receiver of stolen goods.Phæd.Thou hide-bound lover!Grip.Thou very mercenary mistress!Phæd.Thou most mercenary magistrate!Grip.Thou seller of thyself!Phæd.Thou seller of other people: thou weather-cock of government; that, when the wind blows for the subject, pointest to privilege; and when it changes for the sovereign, veerest to prerogative[9]!Grip.Will you compound, and take it as my present?Phæd.No; but I'll send thy rival to force it from thee.Grip.When a thief is rival to his judge, the hangman will soon decide the difference.[ExitPhædra.EnterMercury,with two Swords.Merc.[Bowing.]Save your good lordship.Grip.From an impertinent coxcomb: I am out of humour, and am in haste; leave me.Merc.'Tis my duty to attend on your lordship, and to ease you of that undecent burden.Grip.Gold was never any burden to one of my profession.Merc.By your lordship's permission, Phædra has sent me to take it from you.Grip.What, by violence?Merc.[still bowing.]No; but by your honour's permission, I am to restore it to her, and persuade your lordship to renounce your pretensions to her.Grip.Tell her flatly, I will neither do one, nor t'other.Merc.O my good lord, I dare pass my word for your free consent to both.——Will your honour be pleased to take your choice of one of these?Grip.Why, these are swords: what have I to do with them?Merc.Only to take your choice of one of them, which your lordship pleases; and leave the other to your most obedient servant.Grip.What, one of these ungodly weapons? Take notice, I'll lay you by the heels, sirrah: this has the appearance of an unlawful bloody challenge.Merc.You magistrates are pleased to call it so, my lord; but with us swordmen, it is an honourable invitation to the cutting of one another's throats.Grip.Be answered; I have no throat to cut. The law shall decide our controversy.Merc.By your permission, my lord, it must be dispatched this way.Grip.I'll see thee hanged before I give thee any such permission, to dispatch me into another world.Merc.At the least, my lord, you have no occasion to complain of my want of respect to you. You will neither restore the goblet, nor renounce Phædra: I offer you the combat; you refuse it; all this is done in the forms of honour: It follows, that I am to affront, cudgel you, or kick you, at my own arbitrement; and, I suppose, you are too honourable not to approve of my proceeding.Grip.Here is a new sort of process, that was never heard of in any of our courts.Merc.This, my good lord, is law in short-hand, without your long preambles, and tedious repetitions that signify nothing but to squeeze the subject: therefore, with your lordship's favour, I begin.[Fillips him under the chin.Grip.What is this for?Merc.To give you an occasion of returning me a box o' the ear; that so all things may proceed methodically.Grip.I put in no answer, but suffer a non-suit.Merc.No, my lord; for the costs and charges are to be paid: will you please to restore the cup?Grip.I told thee, no.Merc.Then from your chin, I must ascend to your lordship's ears.Grip.Oh, oh, oh, oh!—Wilt thou never leave lugging me by the ears?Merc.Not till your lordship will be pleased to hear reason.[Pulling again.Grip.Take the cup, and the devil give thee joy on't.Merc.[Still holding him.]And your lordship will farther be graciously pleased, to release all claims, titles, and actions whatsoever, to Phædra: you must give me leave to add one smallmementofor that too.[Pulling him again.Grip.I renounce her; I release her.EnterPhædra.Merc.[To her.]Phædra, my lord has been pleased to be very gracious, without pushing matters to extremity.Phæd.I overheard it all; but give me livery and seisin of the goblet, in the first place.Merc.There is an act of oblivion should be passed too.Phæd.Let him begin to remember quarrels, when he dares; now I have him under my girdle, I'll cap verses with him to the end of the chapter.EnterAmphitryon,and Guards.Amph.[ToGripus.]At the last I have got possession without your lordship's warrant.—Phædra, tell Alcmena I am here.Phæd.I'll carry no such lying message: you arenot here, and you cannot be here; for, to my knowledge, you are above with my lady, in the chamber.Amph.All of a piece, and all witchcraft!—Answer me precisely: dost thou not know me for Amphitryon?Phæd.Answer me first: did you give me a diamond and a purse of gold?Amph.Thou knowest I did not.Phæd.Then, by the same token, I know you are not the true Amphitryon: if you are he, I am sure I left you in bed with your own wife. Now you had best stretch out a leg, and feel about for a fair lady.Amph.I'll undo this enchantment with my sword, and kill the sorcerer.—Come up, gentlemen, and follow me.[To the Guards.Phæd.I'll save you the labour, and call him down to confront you, if you dare attend him.[ExitPhædra.Merc.[Aside.]Now the spell is ended, and Jupiter can enchant no more; or else Amphitryon had not entered so easily.[Gripusis stealing off.]—Whither now, Gripus? I have business for you: if you offer to stir, you know what follows.EnterJupiter,followed byTranioandPolidas.Jup.Who dares to play the master in my house?What noise is this that calls me from above,Invades my soft recess and privacy,And, like a tide, breaks in upon my love?Amph.O heavens, what's this I see?Tran.What prodigy!Pol.How! two Amphitryons!Grip.I have beheld the appearance of two suns,But still the false was dimmer than the true;Here, both shine out alike.Amph.This is a sight, that, like the gorgon's head,Runs through my limbs, and stiffens me to stone.I need no more inquire into my fate;For what I see resolves my doubts too plain.Tran.Two drops of water cannot be more like.Pol.They are two very sames.Merc.Our Jupiter is a great comedian, he counterfeits most admirably: sure his priests have copied their hypocrisy from their master.[Aside.Amph.Now I am gathered back into myself:My heart beats high, and pushes out the blood,[Drawing his sword.To give me just revenge on this impostor.If you are brave, assist me—not one stirs![To the Guards.What, are all bribed to take the enchanter's part?'Tis true, the work is mine; and thus——[Going to rush uponJupiter;and is held byTranioandPolidas.Pol.It must not be.Jup.Give him his way; I dare the madman's worst:But still take notice, that it looks not likeThe true Amphitryon, to fly out at firstTo brutal force: it shews he doubts his cause,Who dares not trust his reason to defend it.Amph.Thou base usurper of my name and bed![Struggling.No less than thy heart's blood can wash awayThe affronts I have sustained.Tran.We must not sufferSo strange a duel, as AmphitryonTo fight against himself.Pol.Nor think we wrong you, when we hold your hands:We know our duty to our general;We know the ties of friendship to our friend;But who that friend, or who that general is,Without more certain proofs, betwixt you two,Is hard to be distinguished, by our reason;Impossible, by sight.Amph.I know it, and have satisfied myself;I am the true Amphitryon.Jup.See again,He shuns the certain proofs; and dares not standImpartial judgment, and award of right.But, since Alcmena's honour is concerned,Whom, more than heaven, and all the world, I love,This I propose, as equal to us both:—Tranio and Polidas, be you assistants;The guards be ready to secure the impostor,When once so proved, for public punishment;And Gripus, be thou umpire of the cause.Amph.I am content: let him proceed to examination.Grip.On whose side would you please that I should give the sentence?[Aside toMerc.Merc.Follow thy conscience for once; but not to make a custom of it neither, nor to leave an evil precedent of uprightness to future judges.[Aside.]—'Tis a good thing to have a magistrate under correction: your old fornicating judge dares never give sentence against him that knows his haunts.Pol.Your lordship knows I was master of Amphitryon's ship; and desire to know of him, what passed, in private, betwixt us two at his landing, when he was just ready to engage the enemy?Grip.Let the true Amphitryon answer first.Jup. and Amph. together.My lord, I told him——Grip.Peace, both of you:—'Tis a plain case they are both true; for they both speak together: but, for more certainty, let the false Amphitryon speak first.Merc.Now they are both silent.Grip.Then 'tis plain, on the other side, that they are both false Amphitryons.Merc.Which Amphitryon shall speak first?Grip.Let the cholerick Amphitryon speak; and let the peaceable hold his peace.Amph.[To Polid.]You may remember that I whispered you, not to part from the stern one single moment.Polid.You did so.Grip.No more words then: I proceed to sentence.Jup.'Twas I that whispered him; and he may remember I gave him this reason for it, that, if our men were beaten, I might secure my own retreat.Polid.You did so.Grip.Now again he is as true as the other.Tran.You know I was paymaster: what directions did you give me the night before the battle?Grip.To which of the you's art thou speaking?Merc.It should be a double u; but they have no such letter in their tongue.[Aside.Amph.I ordered you to take particular care of the great bag.Grip.Why this is demonstration.Jup.The bag, that I recommended to you, was of tygers-skin; and marked Beta.Grip.In sadness, I think they are both jugglers: here is nothing, and here is nothing; and thenhiccius doccius, and they are both here again.Tran.You peaceable Amphitryon, what money was there in that bag?Jup.The sum, in gross, amounted just to fifty Attick talents.Tran.To a farthing.Grip.Paugh: Obvious, obvious.Amph.Two thousand pieces of gold were tied up in a handkerchief, by themselves.Tran.I remember it.Grip.Then it is dubious again.Jup.But the rest was not all silver; for there were just four thousand brass half-pence.Grip.Being but brass, the proof is inconsiderable: if they had been silver, it had gone on your side.Amph.Death and hell, you will not persuade me, that I did not kill Pterelas?[ToJupiter.Jup.Nor you me, that I did not enjoy Alcmena?
Amph.Not one of those, I looked for, to be found,As some enchantment hid them from my sight!Perhaps, as Sosia says, 'tis witchcraft all.Seals may be opened, diamonds may be stolen;But how I came, in person, yesterday,And gave that present to Alcmena's hands,That which I never gave, nor ever came,—O there's the rock on which my reason splits!Would that were all! I fear my honour, too.I'll try her once again;—she may be mad;—A wretched remedy; but all I have,To keep me from despair.
Amph.Not one of those, I looked for, to be found,As some enchantment hid them from my sight!Perhaps, as Sosia says, 'tis witchcraft all.Seals may be opened, diamonds may be stolen;But how I came, in person, yesterday,And gave that present to Alcmena's hands,That which I never gave, nor ever came,—O there's the rock on which my reason splits!Would that were all! I fear my honour, too.I'll try her once again;—she may be mad;—A wretched remedy; but all I have,To keep me from despair.
Amph.Not one of those, I looked for, to be found,As some enchantment hid them from my sight!Perhaps, as Sosia says, 'tis witchcraft all.Seals may be opened, diamonds may be stolen;But how I came, in person, yesterday,And gave that present to Alcmena's hands,That which I never gave, nor ever came,—O there's the rock on which my reason splits!Would that were all! I fear my honour, too.I'll try her once again;—she may be mad;—A wretched remedy; but all I have,To keep me from despair.
Amph.Not one of those, I looked for, to be found,
As some enchantment hid them from my sight!
Perhaps, as Sosia says, 'tis witchcraft all.
Seals may be opened, diamonds may be stolen;
But how I came, in person, yesterday,
And gave that present to Alcmena's hands,
That which I never gave, nor ever came,—
O there's the rock on which my reason splits!
Would that were all! I fear my honour, too.
I'll try her once again;—she may be mad;—
A wretched remedy; but all I have,
To keep me from despair.
Merc.[From the Balcony, aside.]This is no very charitable action of a god, to use him ill, who has never offended me; but my planet disposes me to malice; and when we great persons do but a little mischief, the world has a good bargain of us.Amph.How now, what means the locking up of my doors at this time of day?[Knocks.Merc.Softly, friend, softly; you knock as loud, and as saucily, as a lord's footman, that was sent before him to warn the family of his honour's visit. Sure you think the doors have no feeling! What the devil are you, that rap with such authority?Amph.Look out, and see; 'tis I.Merc.You! what you?Amph.No more, I say, but open.Merc.I'll know to whom first.Amph.I am one, that can command the doors open.Merc.Then you had best command them, and try whether they will obey you.Amph.Dost thou not know me?Merc.Pr'ythee, how should I know thee? Dost thou take me for a conjurer?Amph.What's this? midsummer-moon! Is all the world gone a madding?—Why, Sosia!Merc.That's my name, indeed; didst thou think I had forgot it?Amph.Dost thou see me?Merc.Why, dost thou pretend to go invisible? If thou hast any business here, dispatch it quickly; I have no leisure to throw away upon such prattling companions.Amph.Thy companion, slave! How darest thou use this insolent language to thy master?Merc.How! Thou my master? By what title? I never had any other master but Amphitryon.Amph.Well; and for whom dost thou take me?Merc.For some rogue or other; but what rogue I know not.Amph.Dost thou not know me for Amphitryon, slave!Merc.How should I know thee, when I see thou dost not know thyself? Thou Amphitryon! In what tavern hast thou been? and how many bottles did thy business, to metamorphose thee into my lord?Amph.I will so drub thee for this insolence!Merc.How now, impudence, are you threatening your betters? I should bring you to condign punishment, but that I have a great respect for the good wine, though I find it in a fool's noddle.Amph.What, none to let me in? Why, Phædra! Bromia!——Merc.Peace, fellow; if my wife hears thee, we are both undone. At a word, Phædra and Bromia are very busy; one in making a caudle for my lady, and the other in heating napkins, to rub down my lord when he rises from bed.Amph.Amazement seizes me!Merc.At what art thou amazed? My master and my lady had a falling out, and are retired, without seconds, to decide the quarrel. If thou wert not a meddlesome fool, thou wouldst not be thrusting thy nose into other people's matters. Get thee about thy business, if thou hast any; for I'll hear no more of thee.[ExitMercuryfrom above.
Merc.[From the Balcony, aside.]This is no very charitable action of a god, to use him ill, who has never offended me; but my planet disposes me to malice; and when we great persons do but a little mischief, the world has a good bargain of us.Amph.How now, what means the locking up of my doors at this time of day?[Knocks.Merc.Softly, friend, softly; you knock as loud, and as saucily, as a lord's footman, that was sent before him to warn the family of his honour's visit. Sure you think the doors have no feeling! What the devil are you, that rap with such authority?Amph.Look out, and see; 'tis I.Merc.You! what you?Amph.No more, I say, but open.Merc.I'll know to whom first.Amph.I am one, that can command the doors open.Merc.Then you had best command them, and try whether they will obey you.Amph.Dost thou not know me?Merc.Pr'ythee, how should I know thee? Dost thou take me for a conjurer?Amph.What's this? midsummer-moon! Is all the world gone a madding?—Why, Sosia!Merc.That's my name, indeed; didst thou think I had forgot it?Amph.Dost thou see me?Merc.Why, dost thou pretend to go invisible? If thou hast any business here, dispatch it quickly; I have no leisure to throw away upon such prattling companions.Amph.Thy companion, slave! How darest thou use this insolent language to thy master?Merc.How! Thou my master? By what title? I never had any other master but Amphitryon.Amph.Well; and for whom dost thou take me?Merc.For some rogue or other; but what rogue I know not.Amph.Dost thou not know me for Amphitryon, slave!Merc.How should I know thee, when I see thou dost not know thyself? Thou Amphitryon! In what tavern hast thou been? and how many bottles did thy business, to metamorphose thee into my lord?Amph.I will so drub thee for this insolence!Merc.How now, impudence, are you threatening your betters? I should bring you to condign punishment, but that I have a great respect for the good wine, though I find it in a fool's noddle.Amph.What, none to let me in? Why, Phædra! Bromia!——Merc.Peace, fellow; if my wife hears thee, we are both undone. At a word, Phædra and Bromia are very busy; one in making a caudle for my lady, and the other in heating napkins, to rub down my lord when he rises from bed.Amph.Amazement seizes me!Merc.At what art thou amazed? My master and my lady had a falling out, and are retired, without seconds, to decide the quarrel. If thou wert not a meddlesome fool, thou wouldst not be thrusting thy nose into other people's matters. Get thee about thy business, if thou hast any; for I'll hear no more of thee.[ExitMercuryfrom above.
Merc.[From the Balcony, aside.]This is no very charitable action of a god, to use him ill, who has never offended me; but my planet disposes me to malice; and when we great persons do but a little mischief, the world has a good bargain of us.
Amph.How now, what means the locking up of my doors at this time of day?[Knocks.
Merc.Softly, friend, softly; you knock as loud, and as saucily, as a lord's footman, that was sent before him to warn the family of his honour's visit. Sure you think the doors have no feeling! What the devil are you, that rap with such authority?
Amph.Look out, and see; 'tis I.
Merc.You! what you?
Amph.No more, I say, but open.
Merc.I'll know to whom first.
Amph.I am one, that can command the doors open.
Merc.Then you had best command them, and try whether they will obey you.
Amph.Dost thou not know me?
Merc.Pr'ythee, how should I know thee? Dost thou take me for a conjurer?
Amph.What's this? midsummer-moon! Is all the world gone a madding?—Why, Sosia!
Merc.That's my name, indeed; didst thou think I had forgot it?
Amph.Dost thou see me?
Merc.Why, dost thou pretend to go invisible? If thou hast any business here, dispatch it quickly; I have no leisure to throw away upon such prattling companions.
Amph.Thy companion, slave! How darest thou use this insolent language to thy master?
Merc.How! Thou my master? By what title? I never had any other master but Amphitryon.
Amph.Well; and for whom dost thou take me?
Merc.For some rogue or other; but what rogue I know not.
Amph.Dost thou not know me for Amphitryon, slave!
Merc.How should I know thee, when I see thou dost not know thyself? Thou Amphitryon! In what tavern hast thou been? and how many bottles did thy business, to metamorphose thee into my lord?
Amph.I will so drub thee for this insolence!
Merc.How now, impudence, are you threatening your betters? I should bring you to condign punishment, but that I have a great respect for the good wine, though I find it in a fool's noddle.
Amph.What, none to let me in? Why, Phædra! Bromia!——
Merc.Peace, fellow; if my wife hears thee, we are both undone. At a word, Phædra and Bromia are very busy; one in making a caudle for my lady, and the other in heating napkins, to rub down my lord when he rises from bed.
Amph.Amazement seizes me!
Merc.At what art thou amazed? My master and my lady had a falling out, and are retired, without seconds, to decide the quarrel. If thou wert not a meddlesome fool, thou wouldst not be thrusting thy nose into other people's matters. Get thee about thy business, if thou hast any; for I'll hear no more of thee.
[ExitMercuryfrom above.
Amph.Braved by my slave, dishonoured by my wife!To what a desperate plunge am I reduced,If this be true the villain says?—But whyThat feebleif! It must be true; she owns it.Now, whether to conceal, or blaze the affront?One way, I spread my infamy abroad;And t'other, hide a burning coal within,That preys upon my vitals: I can fixOn nothing, but on vengeance.
Amph.Braved by my slave, dishonoured by my wife!To what a desperate plunge am I reduced,If this be true the villain says?—But whyThat feebleif! It must be true; she owns it.Now, whether to conceal, or blaze the affront?One way, I spread my infamy abroad;And t'other, hide a burning coal within,That preys upon my vitals: I can fixOn nothing, but on vengeance.
Amph.Braved by my slave, dishonoured by my wife!To what a desperate plunge am I reduced,If this be true the villain says?—But whyThat feebleif! It must be true; she owns it.Now, whether to conceal, or blaze the affront?One way, I spread my infamy abroad;And t'other, hide a burning coal within,That preys upon my vitals: I can fixOn nothing, but on vengeance.
Amph.Braved by my slave, dishonoured by my wife!
To what a desperate plunge am I reduced,
If this be true the villain says?—But why
That feebleif! It must be true; she owns it.
Now, whether to conceal, or blaze the affront?
One way, I spread my infamy abroad;
And t'other, hide a burning coal within,
That preys upon my vitals: I can fix
On nothing, but on vengeance.
EnterSosia,Polidas,Gripus,andTranio.Grip.Yonder he is, walking hastily to and fro before his door, like a citizen clapping his sides before his shop in a frosty morning; 'tis to catch a stomach, I believe.Sos.I begin to be afraid, that he has more stomach to my sides and shoulders, than to his own victuals. How he shakes his head, and stamps, and what strides he fetches! He's in one of his damned moods again; I don't like the looks of him.Amph.Oh, my mannerly, fair-spoken, obedient slave, are you there! I can reach you now without climbing: Now we shall try who's drunk, and who's sober.Sos.Why this is as it should be: I was somewhat suspicious that you were in a pestilent humour. Yes, we will have a crash at the bottle, when your lordship pleases; I have summoned them, you see, and they are notable topers, especially judge Gripus.Grip.Yes, faith; I never refuse my glass in a good quarrel.Amph.[ToSos.]Why, thou insolent villain! I'll teach a slave how to use his master thus.Sos.Here's a fine business towards! I am sure I ran as fast as ever my legs could carry me, to call them; nay, you may trust my diligence in all affairs belonging to the belly.Grip.He has been very faithful to his commission. I'll bear him witness.Amph.How can you be witness, where you were not present?—The balcony, sirrah! the balcony!Sos.Why, to my best remembrance, you never invited the balcony.Amph.What nonsense dost thou plead, for an excuse of thy foul language, and thy base replies!Sos.You fright a man out of his senses first, and blame him afterwards for talking nonsense! But it is better for me to talk nonsense, than for some to do nonsense; I will say that, whate'er comes on't. Pray, sir, let all things be done decently: what, I hope, when a man is to be hanged, he is not trussed upon the gallows, like a dumb dog, without telling him wherefore.Amph.By your pardon, gentlemen; I have no longer patience to forbear him.Sos.Justice, justice!—My Lord Gripus, as you are a true magistrate, protect me. Here's a process of beating going forward, without sentence given.Grip.My Lord Amphitryon, this must not be; let me first understand the demerits of the criminal.Sos.Hold you to that point, I beseech your honour, as you commiserate the case of a poor, innocent malefactor.Amph.To shut the door against me in my very face, to deny me entrance, to brave me from the balcony, to laugh at me, to threaten me! what proofs of innocence call you these? but if I punish not this insolence——[Is going to beat him, and is held byPolidasandTranio.I beg you, let me go.Sos.I charge you, in the king's name, hold him fast; for you see he's bloodily disposed.Grip.Now, what hast thou to say for thyself, Sosia?Sos.I say, in the first place, be sure you hold him, gentlemen; for I shall never plead worth one farthing, while I am bodily afraid.Pol.Speak boldly; I warrant thee.Sos.Then if I may speak boldly, under my lord'sfavour, I do not say he lies neither: no, I am too well bred for that; but his lordship fibs most abominably.Amph.Do you hear his impudence? yet will you let me go?Sos.No impudence at all, my lord; for how could I, naturally speaking, be in the balcony, and affronting you, when at the same time I was in every street of Thebes, inviting these gentlemen to dinner?Grip.Hold a little:—How long since was it that he spoke to you from the said balcony?Amph.Just now; not a minute before he brought you hither.Sos.Now speak, my witnesses.Grip.I can answer for him for this last half hour.Pol.And I.Tran.And I.Sos.Now judge equitably, gentlemen, whether I was not a civil well-bred person, to tell my lord he fibs only?Amph.Who gave you that order, to invite them?Sos.He that best might,—yourself: By the same token, you bid old Bromia provide an' 'twere for a god, and I put in for a brace, or a leash;—no, now I think on't, it was for ten couple of gods, to make sure of plenty.Amph.When did I give thee this pretended commission?Sos.Why, you gave me this pretended commission, when you were just ready to give my lady the fiddles, and a dance; in order, as I suppose, to your second bedding.Amph.Where, in what place, did I give this order?Sos.Here, in this place, in the presence of thisvery door, and of that balcony; and, if they could speak, they would both justify it.Amph.O, heaven! These accidents are so surprising, the more I think of them, the more I am lost in my imagination.Grip.Nay, he has told us some passages, as he came along, that seem to surpass the power of nature.Sos.What think you now, my lord, of a certain twin-brother of mine, called Sosia? 'Tis a sly youth: pray heaven, you have not just such another relation within doors, called Amphitryon. It may be it was he that put upon me, in your likeness; and perhaps he may have put something upon your lordship too, that may weigh heavy upon the forehead.Amph.[To those who hold him.]Let me go; Sosia may be innocent, and I will not hurt him. Open the door, I'll resolve my doubts immediately.Sos.The door is peremptory, that it will not be opened without keys; and my brother on the inside is in possession, and will not part with them.Amph.Then 'tis manifest that I am affronted.—Break open the door there.Grip.Stir not a man of you to his assistance.Amph.Dost thou take part with my adulteress too, because she is thy niece?Grip.I take part with nothing, but the law; and, to break the doors open, is to break the law.Amph.Do thou command them then.Grip.I command nothing without my warrant; and my clerk is not here to take his fees for drawing it.Amph.[Aside.]The devil take all justice-brokers! I curse him too, when I have been hunting him all over the town, to be my witness! But I'llbring soldiers, to force open the doors, by my own commission.[ExitAmph.Sos.Pox o' these forms of law, to defeat a man of a dinner, when he's sharp set! 'Tis against the privilege of a free-born stomach; and is no less than subversion of fundamentals.[Jupiterabove in the Balcony.Jup.Oh, my friends, I am sorry I have made you wait so long: you are welcome; and the door shall be opened to you immediately.[ExitJupiter.Grip.Was not that Amphitryon?Sos.Why, who should it be else?Grip.In all appearance it was he; but how got be thither?Pol.In such a trice too!Tran.And after he had just left us!Grip.And so much altered, for the better, in his humour!Sos.Here's such a company of foolish questions, when a man's hungry! You had best stay dinner, till he has proved himself to be Amphitryon in form of law: but I'll make short work of that business; for I'll take mine oath 'tis he.Grip.I should be glad it were.Sos.How! glad it were? with your damned interrogatories, when you ought to be thankful, that so it is.Grip.[Aside.]That I may see my mistress Phædra, and present her with my great gold goblet.Sos.If this be not the true Amphitryon, I wish I may be kept without doors, fasting, and biting my own fingers, for want of victuals; and that's a dreadful imprecation! I am for the inviting, and eating, and treating Amphitryon; I am sure 'tis he that is my lawfully begotten lord; and, if you had an ounce of true justice in you, you ought to have laid hold onthe other Amphitryon, and committed him for a rogue, and an impostor, and a vagabond.[The Door is opened.Merc.[From within.]Enter quickly, masters: The passage, on the right hand, leads to the gallery, where my lord expects you; for I am called another way.[Gripus,Tranio,andPolidas,go into the House.Sos.I should know that voice by a secret instinct; 'tis a tongue of my family, and belongs to my brother Sosia: it must be so; for it carries a cudgelling kind of sound in it.—But put the worst: Let me weigh this matter wisely: Here's a beating, and a belly-full, against no beating, and no belly-full. The beating is bad; but the dinner is good. Now, not to be beaten, is but negatively good; but, not to fill my belly, is positively bad. Upon the whole matter, my final resolution is, to take the good and the bad as they come together.[Is entering:Mercurymeets him at the Door.Merc.Whither now, ye kitchen-scum? From whence this impudence, to enter here without permission?Sos.Most illustrious sir, my ticket is my hunger: Show the full bowels of your compassion to the empty bowels of my famine.Merc.Were you not charged to return no more? I'll cut you into quarters, and hang you upon the shambles.Sos.You'll get but little credit by me. Alas, sir, I am but mere carrion! Brave Sosia, compassionate coward Sosia; and beat not thyself, in beating me.Merc.Who gave you that privilege, sirrah, to assume my name? have you not been sufficiently warned of it, and received part of punishment already?Sos.May it please you, sir, the name is big enough for both of us; and we may use it in common, like a strumpet. Witness heaven, that I would have obeyed you, and quitted my title to the name; but, wherever I come, the malicious world will call me Sosia, in spite of me. I am sensible there are two Amphitryons; and why may there not be two Sosias? Let those two cut one another's throats at their own pleasure; but you and I will be wiser, by my consent, and hold good intelligence together.Merc.No, no; two Sosias would but make two fools.Sos.Then let me be the fool, and be you the prudent person; and chuse for yourself some wiser name: Or you shall be the eldest brother; and I'll be content to be the younger, though I lose my inheritance.Merc.I tell thee, I am the only son of our family.Sos.Ah! Then let me be your bastard brother, and the son of a whore; I hope that's but reasonable.Merc.No, thou shall not disgrace my father; for there are few bastards now-a-days worth owning.Sos.Ah, poor Sosia! what will become of thee?Merc.Yet again profanely using my proper name?Sos.I did not mean myself; I was thinking of another Sosia, a poor fellow, that was once of my acquaintance, unfortunately banished out of doors, when dinner was just coming upon the table.EnterPhædra.Phæd.Sosia, you and I must—Bless me! what have we here? a couple of you? or do I see double?Sos.I would fain bring it about, that I might make one of them; but he's unreasonable, and will needs incorporate me, and swallow me whole into himself. If he would be content to be but one-and-a-half, 'twould never grieve me.Merc.'Tis a perverse rascal: I kick him, and cudgel him, to no purpose; for still he's obstinate to stick to me; and I can never beat him out of my resemblance.Phæd.Which of you two is Sosia? for t'other must be the devil.Sos.You had best ask him, that has played the devil with my back and sides.Merc.You had best ask him,—who gave you the gold goblet?Phæd.No, that's already given; but he shall be my Sosia, that will give me such another.Merc.I find you have been interloping, sirrah.Sos.No, indeed, sir; I only promised her a gold thimble, which was as much as comes to my proportion of being Sosia.Phæd.This is no Sosia for my money; beat him away, t'other Sosia; he grows insufferable.Sos.[Aside.]Would I were valiant, that I might beat him away; and succeed him at the dinner, for a pragmatical son of a whore, as he is!Merc.What's that you are muttering betwixt your teeth, of a son of a whore, sirrah?Sos.I am sure, I meant you no offence; for, if I am not Sosia, I am the son of a whore, for aught I know; and, if you are Sosia, you may be the son of a whore, for aught you know.Merc.Whatever I am, I will be Sosia, as long as I please; and whenever you visit me, you shall be sure of the civility of the cudgel.Sos.If you will promise to beat me into the house, you may begin when you please with me;but to be beaten out of the house, at dinner-time, flesh and blood can never bear it.[Mercurybeats him about, andSosiais still making towards the Door; butMercurygets betwixt, and at length drives him off the Stage.Phæd.In the name of wonder, what are you, that are Sosia, and are not Sosia?Merc.If thou would'st know more of me, my person is freely at thy disposing.Phæd.Then I dispose of it to you again; for 'tis so ugly, 'tis not for my use.Merc.I can be ugly, or handsome, as I please; go to bed old, and rise young. I have so many suits of persons by me, I can shift them when I will.Phæd.You are a fool, then, to put on your worst clothes, when you come a-wooing.Merc.Go to; ask no more questions. I am for thy turn; for I know thy heart, and see all thou hast about thee.Phæd.Then you can see my backside too; there's a bargain for you.Merc.In thy right pocket:—let me see; three love letters from judge Gripus, written to the bottom, on three sides; full of fustian passion, and hearty nonsense: as also, in the same pocket, a letter of thine intended to him, consisting of nine lines and a half, scrawled and false spelled, to show thou art a woman; and full of fraudulence, and equivocations, and shoeing-horns of love to him; to promise much, and mean nothing; to show, over and above, that thou art a mere woman.Phæd.Is the devil in you, to see all this? Now, for heaven's sake, do not look in t'other pocket.Merc.Nay, there's nothing there, but a little godly prayer-book, and a bawdy lampoon, and——Phæd.[Giving a great frisk.]Look no farther, I beseech you.Merc.And a silver spoon——Phæd.[Shrieking.]Ah!——Merc.Which you purloined last night from Bromia.Phæd.Keep my counsel, or I am undone for ever.[Holding up her hands to him.Merc.No; I'll mortify thee, now I have an handle to thy iniquity, if thou wilt not love me.Phæd.Well, if you'll promise me to be secret, I will love you; because indeed I dare do no other.Merc.'Tis a good girl; I will be secret: and, further, I will be assisting to thee in thy filching; for thou and I were born under the same planet.Phæd.And we shall come to the same end too, I'm afraid.Merc.No, no; since thou hast wit enough already to cozen a judge, thou needst never fear hanging.Phæd.And will you make yourself a younger man, and be handsome too, and rich? for you, that know hearts, must needs know, that I shall never be constant to such an ugly old Sosia.Merc.Thou shalt know more of that another time; in the mean while, here is a cast of my office for thee.[He stamps upon the ground: some Dancers come from under-ground; and others from the sides of the Stage: a Song, and a fantastic Dance.
EnterSosia,Polidas,Gripus,andTranio.Grip.Yonder he is, walking hastily to and fro before his door, like a citizen clapping his sides before his shop in a frosty morning; 'tis to catch a stomach, I believe.Sos.I begin to be afraid, that he has more stomach to my sides and shoulders, than to his own victuals. How he shakes his head, and stamps, and what strides he fetches! He's in one of his damned moods again; I don't like the looks of him.Amph.Oh, my mannerly, fair-spoken, obedient slave, are you there! I can reach you now without climbing: Now we shall try who's drunk, and who's sober.Sos.Why this is as it should be: I was somewhat suspicious that you were in a pestilent humour. Yes, we will have a crash at the bottle, when your lordship pleases; I have summoned them, you see, and they are notable topers, especially judge Gripus.Grip.Yes, faith; I never refuse my glass in a good quarrel.Amph.[ToSos.]Why, thou insolent villain! I'll teach a slave how to use his master thus.Sos.Here's a fine business towards! I am sure I ran as fast as ever my legs could carry me, to call them; nay, you may trust my diligence in all affairs belonging to the belly.Grip.He has been very faithful to his commission. I'll bear him witness.Amph.How can you be witness, where you were not present?—The balcony, sirrah! the balcony!Sos.Why, to my best remembrance, you never invited the balcony.Amph.What nonsense dost thou plead, for an excuse of thy foul language, and thy base replies!Sos.You fright a man out of his senses first, and blame him afterwards for talking nonsense! But it is better for me to talk nonsense, than for some to do nonsense; I will say that, whate'er comes on't. Pray, sir, let all things be done decently: what, I hope, when a man is to be hanged, he is not trussed upon the gallows, like a dumb dog, without telling him wherefore.Amph.By your pardon, gentlemen; I have no longer patience to forbear him.Sos.Justice, justice!—My Lord Gripus, as you are a true magistrate, protect me. Here's a process of beating going forward, without sentence given.Grip.My Lord Amphitryon, this must not be; let me first understand the demerits of the criminal.Sos.Hold you to that point, I beseech your honour, as you commiserate the case of a poor, innocent malefactor.Amph.To shut the door against me in my very face, to deny me entrance, to brave me from the balcony, to laugh at me, to threaten me! what proofs of innocence call you these? but if I punish not this insolence——[Is going to beat him, and is held byPolidasandTranio.I beg you, let me go.Sos.I charge you, in the king's name, hold him fast; for you see he's bloodily disposed.Grip.Now, what hast thou to say for thyself, Sosia?Sos.I say, in the first place, be sure you hold him, gentlemen; for I shall never plead worth one farthing, while I am bodily afraid.Pol.Speak boldly; I warrant thee.Sos.Then if I may speak boldly, under my lord'sfavour, I do not say he lies neither: no, I am too well bred for that; but his lordship fibs most abominably.Amph.Do you hear his impudence? yet will you let me go?Sos.No impudence at all, my lord; for how could I, naturally speaking, be in the balcony, and affronting you, when at the same time I was in every street of Thebes, inviting these gentlemen to dinner?Grip.Hold a little:—How long since was it that he spoke to you from the said balcony?Amph.Just now; not a minute before he brought you hither.Sos.Now speak, my witnesses.Grip.I can answer for him for this last half hour.Pol.And I.Tran.And I.Sos.Now judge equitably, gentlemen, whether I was not a civil well-bred person, to tell my lord he fibs only?Amph.Who gave you that order, to invite them?Sos.He that best might,—yourself: By the same token, you bid old Bromia provide an' 'twere for a god, and I put in for a brace, or a leash;—no, now I think on't, it was for ten couple of gods, to make sure of plenty.Amph.When did I give thee this pretended commission?Sos.Why, you gave me this pretended commission, when you were just ready to give my lady the fiddles, and a dance; in order, as I suppose, to your second bedding.Amph.Where, in what place, did I give this order?Sos.Here, in this place, in the presence of thisvery door, and of that balcony; and, if they could speak, they would both justify it.Amph.O, heaven! These accidents are so surprising, the more I think of them, the more I am lost in my imagination.Grip.Nay, he has told us some passages, as he came along, that seem to surpass the power of nature.Sos.What think you now, my lord, of a certain twin-brother of mine, called Sosia? 'Tis a sly youth: pray heaven, you have not just such another relation within doors, called Amphitryon. It may be it was he that put upon me, in your likeness; and perhaps he may have put something upon your lordship too, that may weigh heavy upon the forehead.Amph.[To those who hold him.]Let me go; Sosia may be innocent, and I will not hurt him. Open the door, I'll resolve my doubts immediately.Sos.The door is peremptory, that it will not be opened without keys; and my brother on the inside is in possession, and will not part with them.Amph.Then 'tis manifest that I am affronted.—Break open the door there.Grip.Stir not a man of you to his assistance.Amph.Dost thou take part with my adulteress too, because she is thy niece?Grip.I take part with nothing, but the law; and, to break the doors open, is to break the law.Amph.Do thou command them then.Grip.I command nothing without my warrant; and my clerk is not here to take his fees for drawing it.Amph.[Aside.]The devil take all justice-brokers! I curse him too, when I have been hunting him all over the town, to be my witness! But I'llbring soldiers, to force open the doors, by my own commission.[ExitAmph.Sos.Pox o' these forms of law, to defeat a man of a dinner, when he's sharp set! 'Tis against the privilege of a free-born stomach; and is no less than subversion of fundamentals.[Jupiterabove in the Balcony.Jup.Oh, my friends, I am sorry I have made you wait so long: you are welcome; and the door shall be opened to you immediately.[ExitJupiter.Grip.Was not that Amphitryon?Sos.Why, who should it be else?Grip.In all appearance it was he; but how got be thither?Pol.In such a trice too!Tran.And after he had just left us!Grip.And so much altered, for the better, in his humour!Sos.Here's such a company of foolish questions, when a man's hungry! You had best stay dinner, till he has proved himself to be Amphitryon in form of law: but I'll make short work of that business; for I'll take mine oath 'tis he.Grip.I should be glad it were.Sos.How! glad it were? with your damned interrogatories, when you ought to be thankful, that so it is.Grip.[Aside.]That I may see my mistress Phædra, and present her with my great gold goblet.Sos.If this be not the true Amphitryon, I wish I may be kept without doors, fasting, and biting my own fingers, for want of victuals; and that's a dreadful imprecation! I am for the inviting, and eating, and treating Amphitryon; I am sure 'tis he that is my lawfully begotten lord; and, if you had an ounce of true justice in you, you ought to have laid hold onthe other Amphitryon, and committed him for a rogue, and an impostor, and a vagabond.[The Door is opened.Merc.[From within.]Enter quickly, masters: The passage, on the right hand, leads to the gallery, where my lord expects you; for I am called another way.[Gripus,Tranio,andPolidas,go into the House.Sos.I should know that voice by a secret instinct; 'tis a tongue of my family, and belongs to my brother Sosia: it must be so; for it carries a cudgelling kind of sound in it.—But put the worst: Let me weigh this matter wisely: Here's a beating, and a belly-full, against no beating, and no belly-full. The beating is bad; but the dinner is good. Now, not to be beaten, is but negatively good; but, not to fill my belly, is positively bad. Upon the whole matter, my final resolution is, to take the good and the bad as they come together.[Is entering:Mercurymeets him at the Door.Merc.Whither now, ye kitchen-scum? From whence this impudence, to enter here without permission?Sos.Most illustrious sir, my ticket is my hunger: Show the full bowels of your compassion to the empty bowels of my famine.Merc.Were you not charged to return no more? I'll cut you into quarters, and hang you upon the shambles.Sos.You'll get but little credit by me. Alas, sir, I am but mere carrion! Brave Sosia, compassionate coward Sosia; and beat not thyself, in beating me.Merc.Who gave you that privilege, sirrah, to assume my name? have you not been sufficiently warned of it, and received part of punishment already?Sos.May it please you, sir, the name is big enough for both of us; and we may use it in common, like a strumpet. Witness heaven, that I would have obeyed you, and quitted my title to the name; but, wherever I come, the malicious world will call me Sosia, in spite of me. I am sensible there are two Amphitryons; and why may there not be two Sosias? Let those two cut one another's throats at their own pleasure; but you and I will be wiser, by my consent, and hold good intelligence together.Merc.No, no; two Sosias would but make two fools.Sos.Then let me be the fool, and be you the prudent person; and chuse for yourself some wiser name: Or you shall be the eldest brother; and I'll be content to be the younger, though I lose my inheritance.Merc.I tell thee, I am the only son of our family.Sos.Ah! Then let me be your bastard brother, and the son of a whore; I hope that's but reasonable.Merc.No, thou shall not disgrace my father; for there are few bastards now-a-days worth owning.Sos.Ah, poor Sosia! what will become of thee?Merc.Yet again profanely using my proper name?Sos.I did not mean myself; I was thinking of another Sosia, a poor fellow, that was once of my acquaintance, unfortunately banished out of doors, when dinner was just coming upon the table.EnterPhædra.Phæd.Sosia, you and I must—Bless me! what have we here? a couple of you? or do I see double?Sos.I would fain bring it about, that I might make one of them; but he's unreasonable, and will needs incorporate me, and swallow me whole into himself. If he would be content to be but one-and-a-half, 'twould never grieve me.Merc.'Tis a perverse rascal: I kick him, and cudgel him, to no purpose; for still he's obstinate to stick to me; and I can never beat him out of my resemblance.Phæd.Which of you two is Sosia? for t'other must be the devil.Sos.You had best ask him, that has played the devil with my back and sides.Merc.You had best ask him,—who gave you the gold goblet?Phæd.No, that's already given; but he shall be my Sosia, that will give me such another.Merc.I find you have been interloping, sirrah.Sos.No, indeed, sir; I only promised her a gold thimble, which was as much as comes to my proportion of being Sosia.Phæd.This is no Sosia for my money; beat him away, t'other Sosia; he grows insufferable.Sos.[Aside.]Would I were valiant, that I might beat him away; and succeed him at the dinner, for a pragmatical son of a whore, as he is!Merc.What's that you are muttering betwixt your teeth, of a son of a whore, sirrah?Sos.I am sure, I meant you no offence; for, if I am not Sosia, I am the son of a whore, for aught I know; and, if you are Sosia, you may be the son of a whore, for aught you know.Merc.Whatever I am, I will be Sosia, as long as I please; and whenever you visit me, you shall be sure of the civility of the cudgel.Sos.If you will promise to beat me into the house, you may begin when you please with me;but to be beaten out of the house, at dinner-time, flesh and blood can never bear it.[Mercurybeats him about, andSosiais still making towards the Door; butMercurygets betwixt, and at length drives him off the Stage.Phæd.In the name of wonder, what are you, that are Sosia, and are not Sosia?Merc.If thou would'st know more of me, my person is freely at thy disposing.Phæd.Then I dispose of it to you again; for 'tis so ugly, 'tis not for my use.Merc.I can be ugly, or handsome, as I please; go to bed old, and rise young. I have so many suits of persons by me, I can shift them when I will.Phæd.You are a fool, then, to put on your worst clothes, when you come a-wooing.Merc.Go to; ask no more questions. I am for thy turn; for I know thy heart, and see all thou hast about thee.Phæd.Then you can see my backside too; there's a bargain for you.Merc.In thy right pocket:—let me see; three love letters from judge Gripus, written to the bottom, on three sides; full of fustian passion, and hearty nonsense: as also, in the same pocket, a letter of thine intended to him, consisting of nine lines and a half, scrawled and false spelled, to show thou art a woman; and full of fraudulence, and equivocations, and shoeing-horns of love to him; to promise much, and mean nothing; to show, over and above, that thou art a mere woman.Phæd.Is the devil in you, to see all this? Now, for heaven's sake, do not look in t'other pocket.Merc.Nay, there's nothing there, but a little godly prayer-book, and a bawdy lampoon, and——Phæd.[Giving a great frisk.]Look no farther, I beseech you.Merc.And a silver spoon——Phæd.[Shrieking.]Ah!——Merc.Which you purloined last night from Bromia.Phæd.Keep my counsel, or I am undone for ever.[Holding up her hands to him.Merc.No; I'll mortify thee, now I have an handle to thy iniquity, if thou wilt not love me.Phæd.Well, if you'll promise me to be secret, I will love you; because indeed I dare do no other.Merc.'Tis a good girl; I will be secret: and, further, I will be assisting to thee in thy filching; for thou and I were born under the same planet.Phæd.And we shall come to the same end too, I'm afraid.Merc.No, no; since thou hast wit enough already to cozen a judge, thou needst never fear hanging.Phæd.And will you make yourself a younger man, and be handsome too, and rich? for you, that know hearts, must needs know, that I shall never be constant to such an ugly old Sosia.Merc.Thou shalt know more of that another time; in the mean while, here is a cast of my office for thee.[He stamps upon the ground: some Dancers come from under-ground; and others from the sides of the Stage: a Song, and a fantastic Dance.
EnterSosia,Polidas,Gripus,andTranio.
Grip.Yonder he is, walking hastily to and fro before his door, like a citizen clapping his sides before his shop in a frosty morning; 'tis to catch a stomach, I believe.
Sos.I begin to be afraid, that he has more stomach to my sides and shoulders, than to his own victuals. How he shakes his head, and stamps, and what strides he fetches! He's in one of his damned moods again; I don't like the looks of him.
Amph.Oh, my mannerly, fair-spoken, obedient slave, are you there! I can reach you now without climbing: Now we shall try who's drunk, and who's sober.
Sos.Why this is as it should be: I was somewhat suspicious that you were in a pestilent humour. Yes, we will have a crash at the bottle, when your lordship pleases; I have summoned them, you see, and they are notable topers, especially judge Gripus.
Grip.Yes, faith; I never refuse my glass in a good quarrel.
Amph.[ToSos.]Why, thou insolent villain! I'll teach a slave how to use his master thus.
Sos.Here's a fine business towards! I am sure I ran as fast as ever my legs could carry me, to call them; nay, you may trust my diligence in all affairs belonging to the belly.
Grip.He has been very faithful to his commission. I'll bear him witness.
Amph.How can you be witness, where you were not present?—The balcony, sirrah! the balcony!
Sos.Why, to my best remembrance, you never invited the balcony.
Amph.What nonsense dost thou plead, for an excuse of thy foul language, and thy base replies!
Sos.You fright a man out of his senses first, and blame him afterwards for talking nonsense! But it is better for me to talk nonsense, than for some to do nonsense; I will say that, whate'er comes on't. Pray, sir, let all things be done decently: what, I hope, when a man is to be hanged, he is not trussed upon the gallows, like a dumb dog, without telling him wherefore.
Amph.By your pardon, gentlemen; I have no longer patience to forbear him.
Sos.Justice, justice!—My Lord Gripus, as you are a true magistrate, protect me. Here's a process of beating going forward, without sentence given.
Grip.My Lord Amphitryon, this must not be; let me first understand the demerits of the criminal.
Sos.Hold you to that point, I beseech your honour, as you commiserate the case of a poor, innocent malefactor.
Amph.To shut the door against me in my very face, to deny me entrance, to brave me from the balcony, to laugh at me, to threaten me! what proofs of innocence call you these? but if I punish not this insolence——
[Is going to beat him, and is held byPolidasandTranio.
I beg you, let me go.
Sos.I charge you, in the king's name, hold him fast; for you see he's bloodily disposed.
Grip.Now, what hast thou to say for thyself, Sosia?
Sos.I say, in the first place, be sure you hold him, gentlemen; for I shall never plead worth one farthing, while I am bodily afraid.
Pol.Speak boldly; I warrant thee.
Sos.Then if I may speak boldly, under my lord'sfavour, I do not say he lies neither: no, I am too well bred for that; but his lordship fibs most abominably.
Amph.Do you hear his impudence? yet will you let me go?
Sos.No impudence at all, my lord; for how could I, naturally speaking, be in the balcony, and affronting you, when at the same time I was in every street of Thebes, inviting these gentlemen to dinner?
Grip.Hold a little:—How long since was it that he spoke to you from the said balcony?
Amph.Just now; not a minute before he brought you hither.
Sos.Now speak, my witnesses.
Grip.I can answer for him for this last half hour.
Pol.And I.
Tran.And I.
Sos.Now judge equitably, gentlemen, whether I was not a civil well-bred person, to tell my lord he fibs only?
Amph.Who gave you that order, to invite them?
Sos.He that best might,—yourself: By the same token, you bid old Bromia provide an' 'twere for a god, and I put in for a brace, or a leash;—no, now I think on't, it was for ten couple of gods, to make sure of plenty.
Amph.When did I give thee this pretended commission?
Sos.Why, you gave me this pretended commission, when you were just ready to give my lady the fiddles, and a dance; in order, as I suppose, to your second bedding.
Amph.Where, in what place, did I give this order?
Sos.Here, in this place, in the presence of thisvery door, and of that balcony; and, if they could speak, they would both justify it.
Amph.O, heaven! These accidents are so surprising, the more I think of them, the more I am lost in my imagination.
Grip.Nay, he has told us some passages, as he came along, that seem to surpass the power of nature.
Sos.What think you now, my lord, of a certain twin-brother of mine, called Sosia? 'Tis a sly youth: pray heaven, you have not just such another relation within doors, called Amphitryon. It may be it was he that put upon me, in your likeness; and perhaps he may have put something upon your lordship too, that may weigh heavy upon the forehead.
Amph.[To those who hold him.]Let me go; Sosia may be innocent, and I will not hurt him. Open the door, I'll resolve my doubts immediately.
Sos.The door is peremptory, that it will not be opened without keys; and my brother on the inside is in possession, and will not part with them.
Amph.Then 'tis manifest that I am affronted.—Break open the door there.
Grip.Stir not a man of you to his assistance.
Amph.Dost thou take part with my adulteress too, because she is thy niece?
Grip.I take part with nothing, but the law; and, to break the doors open, is to break the law.
Amph.Do thou command them then.
Grip.I command nothing without my warrant; and my clerk is not here to take his fees for drawing it.
Amph.[Aside.]The devil take all justice-brokers! I curse him too, when I have been hunting him all over the town, to be my witness! But I'llbring soldiers, to force open the doors, by my own commission.[ExitAmph.
Sos.Pox o' these forms of law, to defeat a man of a dinner, when he's sharp set! 'Tis against the privilege of a free-born stomach; and is no less than subversion of fundamentals.[Jupiterabove in the Balcony.
Jup.Oh, my friends, I am sorry I have made you wait so long: you are welcome; and the door shall be opened to you immediately.[ExitJupiter.
Grip.Was not that Amphitryon?
Sos.Why, who should it be else?
Grip.In all appearance it was he; but how got be thither?
Pol.In such a trice too!
Tran.And after he had just left us!
Grip.And so much altered, for the better, in his humour!
Sos.Here's such a company of foolish questions, when a man's hungry! You had best stay dinner, till he has proved himself to be Amphitryon in form of law: but I'll make short work of that business; for I'll take mine oath 'tis he.
Grip.I should be glad it were.
Sos.How! glad it were? with your damned interrogatories, when you ought to be thankful, that so it is.
Grip.[Aside.]That I may see my mistress Phædra, and present her with my great gold goblet.
Sos.If this be not the true Amphitryon, I wish I may be kept without doors, fasting, and biting my own fingers, for want of victuals; and that's a dreadful imprecation! I am for the inviting, and eating, and treating Amphitryon; I am sure 'tis he that is my lawfully begotten lord; and, if you had an ounce of true justice in you, you ought to have laid hold onthe other Amphitryon, and committed him for a rogue, and an impostor, and a vagabond.[The Door is opened.
Merc.[From within.]Enter quickly, masters: The passage, on the right hand, leads to the gallery, where my lord expects you; for I am called another way.
[Gripus,Tranio,andPolidas,go into the House.
Sos.I should know that voice by a secret instinct; 'tis a tongue of my family, and belongs to my brother Sosia: it must be so; for it carries a cudgelling kind of sound in it.—But put the worst: Let me weigh this matter wisely: Here's a beating, and a belly-full, against no beating, and no belly-full. The beating is bad; but the dinner is good. Now, not to be beaten, is but negatively good; but, not to fill my belly, is positively bad. Upon the whole matter, my final resolution is, to take the good and the bad as they come together.
[Is entering:Mercurymeets him at the Door.
Merc.Whither now, ye kitchen-scum? From whence this impudence, to enter here without permission?
Sos.Most illustrious sir, my ticket is my hunger: Show the full bowels of your compassion to the empty bowels of my famine.
Merc.Were you not charged to return no more? I'll cut you into quarters, and hang you upon the shambles.
Sos.You'll get but little credit by me. Alas, sir, I am but mere carrion! Brave Sosia, compassionate coward Sosia; and beat not thyself, in beating me.
Merc.Who gave you that privilege, sirrah, to assume my name? have you not been sufficiently warned of it, and received part of punishment already?
Sos.May it please you, sir, the name is big enough for both of us; and we may use it in common, like a strumpet. Witness heaven, that I would have obeyed you, and quitted my title to the name; but, wherever I come, the malicious world will call me Sosia, in spite of me. I am sensible there are two Amphitryons; and why may there not be two Sosias? Let those two cut one another's throats at their own pleasure; but you and I will be wiser, by my consent, and hold good intelligence together.
Merc.No, no; two Sosias would but make two fools.
Sos.Then let me be the fool, and be you the prudent person; and chuse for yourself some wiser name: Or you shall be the eldest brother; and I'll be content to be the younger, though I lose my inheritance.
Merc.I tell thee, I am the only son of our family.
Sos.Ah! Then let me be your bastard brother, and the son of a whore; I hope that's but reasonable.
Merc.No, thou shall not disgrace my father; for there are few bastards now-a-days worth owning.
Sos.Ah, poor Sosia! what will become of thee?
Merc.Yet again profanely using my proper name?
Sos.I did not mean myself; I was thinking of another Sosia, a poor fellow, that was once of my acquaintance, unfortunately banished out of doors, when dinner was just coming upon the table.
EnterPhædra.
Phæd.Sosia, you and I must—Bless me! what have we here? a couple of you? or do I see double?
Sos.I would fain bring it about, that I might make one of them; but he's unreasonable, and will needs incorporate me, and swallow me whole into himself. If he would be content to be but one-and-a-half, 'twould never grieve me.
Merc.'Tis a perverse rascal: I kick him, and cudgel him, to no purpose; for still he's obstinate to stick to me; and I can never beat him out of my resemblance.
Phæd.Which of you two is Sosia? for t'other must be the devil.
Sos.You had best ask him, that has played the devil with my back and sides.
Merc.You had best ask him,—who gave you the gold goblet?
Phæd.No, that's already given; but he shall be my Sosia, that will give me such another.
Merc.I find you have been interloping, sirrah.
Sos.No, indeed, sir; I only promised her a gold thimble, which was as much as comes to my proportion of being Sosia.
Phæd.This is no Sosia for my money; beat him away, t'other Sosia; he grows insufferable.
Sos.[Aside.]Would I were valiant, that I might beat him away; and succeed him at the dinner, for a pragmatical son of a whore, as he is!
Merc.What's that you are muttering betwixt your teeth, of a son of a whore, sirrah?
Sos.I am sure, I meant you no offence; for, if I am not Sosia, I am the son of a whore, for aught I know; and, if you are Sosia, you may be the son of a whore, for aught you know.
Merc.Whatever I am, I will be Sosia, as long as I please; and whenever you visit me, you shall be sure of the civility of the cudgel.
Sos.If you will promise to beat me into the house, you may begin when you please with me;but to be beaten out of the house, at dinner-time, flesh and blood can never bear it.
[Mercurybeats him about, andSosiais still making towards the Door; butMercurygets betwixt, and at length drives him off the Stage.
[Mercurybeats him about, andSosiais still making towards the Door; butMercurygets betwixt, and at length drives him off the Stage.
Phæd.In the name of wonder, what are you, that are Sosia, and are not Sosia?
Merc.If thou would'st know more of me, my person is freely at thy disposing.
Phæd.Then I dispose of it to you again; for 'tis so ugly, 'tis not for my use.
Merc.I can be ugly, or handsome, as I please; go to bed old, and rise young. I have so many suits of persons by me, I can shift them when I will.
Phæd.You are a fool, then, to put on your worst clothes, when you come a-wooing.
Merc.Go to; ask no more questions. I am for thy turn; for I know thy heart, and see all thou hast about thee.
Phæd.Then you can see my backside too; there's a bargain for you.
Merc.In thy right pocket:—let me see; three love letters from judge Gripus, written to the bottom, on three sides; full of fustian passion, and hearty nonsense: as also, in the same pocket, a letter of thine intended to him, consisting of nine lines and a half, scrawled and false spelled, to show thou art a woman; and full of fraudulence, and equivocations, and shoeing-horns of love to him; to promise much, and mean nothing; to show, over and above, that thou art a mere woman.
Phæd.Is the devil in you, to see all this? Now, for heaven's sake, do not look in t'other pocket.
Merc.Nay, there's nothing there, but a little godly prayer-book, and a bawdy lampoon, and——
Phæd.[Giving a great frisk.]Look no farther, I beseech you.
Merc.And a silver spoon——
Phæd.[Shrieking.]Ah!——
Merc.Which you purloined last night from Bromia.
Phæd.Keep my counsel, or I am undone for ever.[Holding up her hands to him.
Merc.No; I'll mortify thee, now I have an handle to thy iniquity, if thou wilt not love me.
Phæd.Well, if you'll promise me to be secret, I will love you; because indeed I dare do no other.
Merc.'Tis a good girl; I will be secret: and, further, I will be assisting to thee in thy filching; for thou and I were born under the same planet.
Phæd.And we shall come to the same end too, I'm afraid.
Merc.No, no; since thou hast wit enough already to cozen a judge, thou needst never fear hanging.
Phæd.And will you make yourself a younger man, and be handsome too, and rich? for you, that know hearts, must needs know, that I shall never be constant to such an ugly old Sosia.
Merc.Thou shalt know more of that another time; in the mean while, here is a cast of my office for thee.
[He stamps upon the ground: some Dancers come from under-ground; and others from the sides of the Stage: a Song, and a fantastic Dance.
[He stamps upon the ground: some Dancers come from under-ground; and others from the sides of the Stage: a Song, and a fantastic Dance.
MERCURY'S SONG TO PHÆDRA.
Fair Iris, I love, and hourly I die,But not for a lip, nor a languishing eye:She's fickle and false, and there we agree;For I am as false and as fickle as she.We neither believe, what either can say;And, neither believing, we neither betray;'Tis civil to swear, and say things of course;We mean not the taking for better for worse.When present, we love; when absent, agree:I think not of Iris, nor Iris of me:The legend of love no couple can find,So easy to part, or so equally joined.After, the Dance.
Fair Iris, I love, and hourly I die,But not for a lip, nor a languishing eye:She's fickle and false, and there we agree;For I am as false and as fickle as she.We neither believe, what either can say;And, neither believing, we neither betray;
Fair Iris, I love, and hourly I die,
But not for a lip, nor a languishing eye:
She's fickle and false, and there we agree;
For I am as false and as fickle as she.
We neither believe, what either can say;
And, neither believing, we neither betray;
'Tis civil to swear, and say things of course;We mean not the taking for better for worse.When present, we love; when absent, agree:I think not of Iris, nor Iris of me:The legend of love no couple can find,So easy to part, or so equally joined.
'Tis civil to swear, and say things of course;
We mean not the taking for better for worse.
When present, we love; when absent, agree:
I think not of Iris, nor Iris of me:
The legend of love no couple can find,
So easy to part, or so equally joined.
After, the Dance.
After, the Dance.
Phæd.This power of yours makes me suspect you for little better than a god; but if you are one, for more certainty, tell me what I am just now thinking.Merc.Why, thou art thinking,—let me see; for thou art a woman, and your minds are so variable, that it is very hard, even for a god, to know them,—but, to satisfy thee, thou art wishing, now, for the same power I have exercised, that thou might'st stamp like me, and have more singers come up for another song.Phæd.Gad, I think the devil's in you. Then I do stamp in somebody's name, but I know not whose:[Stamps.]Come up, gentle-folks from below, and sing me a pastoral dialogue, where the woman may have the better of the man; as we always have in love-matters.[New Singers come up, and sing a Song.
Phæd.This power of yours makes me suspect you for little better than a god; but if you are one, for more certainty, tell me what I am just now thinking.Merc.Why, thou art thinking,—let me see; for thou art a woman, and your minds are so variable, that it is very hard, even for a god, to know them,—but, to satisfy thee, thou art wishing, now, for the same power I have exercised, that thou might'st stamp like me, and have more singers come up for another song.Phæd.Gad, I think the devil's in you. Then I do stamp in somebody's name, but I know not whose:[Stamps.]Come up, gentle-folks from below, and sing me a pastoral dialogue, where the woman may have the better of the man; as we always have in love-matters.[New Singers come up, and sing a Song.
Phæd.This power of yours makes me suspect you for little better than a god; but if you are one, for more certainty, tell me what I am just now thinking.
Merc.Why, thou art thinking,—let me see; for thou art a woman, and your minds are so variable, that it is very hard, even for a god, to know them,—but, to satisfy thee, thou art wishing, now, for the same power I have exercised, that thou might'st stamp like me, and have more singers come up for another song.
Phæd.Gad, I think the devil's in you. Then I do stamp in somebody's name, but I know not whose:[Stamps.]Come up, gentle-folks from below, and sing me a pastoral dialogue, where the woman may have the better of the man; as we always have in love-matters.
[New Singers come up, and sing a Song.
A PASTORAL DIALOGUE BETWIXT THYRSISAND IRIS.
Thyrsis.Fair Iris and her swainWere in a shady bower;Where Thyrsis long in vainHad sought the shepherd's hour:At length his hand advancing upon her snowy breast;He said, O kiss me longer,And longer yet, and longer,If you will make me blestIris.An easy yielding maid,By trusting, is undone;Our sex is oft betray'd,By granting love too soon.If you desire to gain me, your sufferings to redress,Prepare to love me longer,And longer yet, and longer,Before you shall possess.Thyrsis.The little care you showOf all my sorrows past,Makes death appear too slow,And life too long to last.Fair Iris kiss me kindly, in pity of my fate;And kindly still, and kindly,Before it be too late.Iris.You fondly court your bliss,And no advances make;'Tis not for maids to kiss,But 'tis for men to take.So you may kiss me kindly, and I will not rebel;And kindly still, and kindly,But kiss me not and tell.
Thyrsis.Fair Iris and her swainWere in a shady bower;Where Thyrsis long in vainHad sought the shepherd's hour:At length his hand advancing upon her snowy breast;He said, O kiss me longer,And longer yet, and longer,If you will make me blestIris.An easy yielding maid,By trusting, is undone;Our sex is oft betray'd,By granting love too soon.If you desire to gain me, your sufferings to redress,Prepare to love me longer,And longer yet, and longer,Before you shall possess.Thyrsis.The little care you showOf all my sorrows past,Makes death appear too slow,And life too long to last.Fair Iris kiss me kindly, in pity of my fate;And kindly still, and kindly,Before it be too late.Iris.You fondly court your bliss,And no advances make;'Tis not for maids to kiss,But 'tis for men to take.So you may kiss me kindly, and I will not rebel;And kindly still, and kindly,But kiss me not and tell.
Thyrsis.Fair Iris and her swainWere in a shady bower;Where Thyrsis long in vainHad sought the shepherd's hour:At length his hand advancing upon her snowy breast;He said, O kiss me longer,And longer yet, and longer,If you will make me blest
Thyrsis.Fair Iris and her swain
Were in a shady bower;
Where Thyrsis long in vain
Had sought the shepherd's hour:
At length his hand advancing upon her snowy breast;
He said, O kiss me longer,
And longer yet, and longer,
If you will make me blest
Iris.An easy yielding maid,By trusting, is undone;Our sex is oft betray'd,By granting love too soon.If you desire to gain me, your sufferings to redress,Prepare to love me longer,And longer yet, and longer,Before you shall possess.
Iris.An easy yielding maid,
By trusting, is undone;
Our sex is oft betray'd,
By granting love too soon.
If you desire to gain me, your sufferings to redress,
Prepare to love me longer,
And longer yet, and longer,
Before you shall possess.
Thyrsis.The little care you showOf all my sorrows past,Makes death appear too slow,And life too long to last.Fair Iris kiss me kindly, in pity of my fate;And kindly still, and kindly,Before it be too late.
Thyrsis.The little care you show
Of all my sorrows past,
Makes death appear too slow,
And life too long to last.
Fair Iris kiss me kindly, in pity of my fate;
And kindly still, and kindly,
Before it be too late.
Iris.You fondly court your bliss,And no advances make;'Tis not for maids to kiss,But 'tis for men to take.So you may kiss me kindly, and I will not rebel;And kindly still, and kindly,But kiss me not and tell.
Iris.You fondly court your bliss,
And no advances make;
'Tis not for maids to kiss,
But 'tis for men to take.
So you may kiss me kindly, and I will not rebel;
And kindly still, and kindly,
But kiss me not and tell.
A RONDEAU.
Chorus.Thus at the height we love and live,And fear not to be poor;We give, and give, and give, and give,'Till we can give no more,But what to-day will take away,To-morrow will restore:Thus at the height we love, and live,And fear not to be poor.
Chorus.Thus at the height we love and live,And fear not to be poor;We give, and give, and give, and give,'Till we can give no more,But what to-day will take away,To-morrow will restore:Thus at the height we love, and live,And fear not to be poor.
Chorus.Thus at the height we love and live,And fear not to be poor;We give, and give, and give, and give,'Till we can give no more,But what to-day will take away,To-morrow will restore:Thus at the height we love, and live,And fear not to be poor.
Chorus.Thus at the height we love and live,
And fear not to be poor;
We give, and give, and give, and give,
'Till we can give no more,
But what to-day will take away,
To-morrow will restore:
Thus at the height we love, and live,
And fear not to be poor.
Phæd.Adieu, I leave you to pay the music. Hope well, Mr. Planet; there is a better heaven in store for you: I say no more, but you can guess.
Phæd.Adieu, I leave you to pay the music. Hope well, Mr. Planet; there is a better heaven in store for you: I say no more, but you can guess.
Phæd.Adieu, I leave you to pay the music. Hope well, Mr. Planet; there is a better heaven in store for you: I say no more, but you can guess.
Merc.[alone.]Such bargain-loves, as I with Phædra treat,Are all the leagues and friendships of the great;All seek their ends, and each would other cheat.They only seem to hate, and seem to love;But interest is the point on which they move.Their friends are foes, and foes are friends again,And, in their turns, are knaves, and honest men.Our iron age is grown an age of gold:'Tis who bids most; for all men will be sold.[Exit.
Merc.[alone.]Such bargain-loves, as I with Phædra treat,Are all the leagues and friendships of the great;All seek their ends, and each would other cheat.They only seem to hate, and seem to love;But interest is the point on which they move.Their friends are foes, and foes are friends again,And, in their turns, are knaves, and honest men.Our iron age is grown an age of gold:'Tis who bids most; for all men will be sold.[Exit.
Merc.[alone.]Such bargain-loves, as I with Phædra treat,Are all the leagues and friendships of the great;All seek their ends, and each would other cheat.They only seem to hate, and seem to love;But interest is the point on which they move.Their friends are foes, and foes are friends again,And, in their turns, are knaves, and honest men.Our iron age is grown an age of gold:'Tis who bids most; for all men will be sold.[Exit.
Merc.[alone.]Such bargain-loves, as I with Phædra treat,
Are all the leagues and friendships of the great;
All seek their ends, and each would other cheat.
They only seem to hate, and seem to love;
But interest is the point on which they move.
Their friends are foes, and foes are friends again,
And, in their turns, are knaves, and honest men.
Our iron age is grown an age of gold:
'Tis who bids most; for all men will be sold.[Exit.
EnterGripusandPhædra.Gripushas the Goblet in his hand.Phæd.You will not be so base to take it from me?Grip.'Tis my proper chattel; and I'll seize my own, in whatever hands I find it.Phæd.You know I only showed it you, to provoke your generosity, that you might out-bid your rival with a better present.Grip.My rival is a thief; and I'll indite you for a receiver of stolen goods.Phæd.Thou hide-bound lover!Grip.Thou very mercenary mistress!Phæd.Thou most mercenary magistrate!Grip.Thou seller of thyself!Phæd.Thou seller of other people: thou weather-cock of government; that, when the wind blows for the subject, pointest to privilege; and when it changes for the sovereign, veerest to prerogative[9]!Grip.Will you compound, and take it as my present?Phæd.No; but I'll send thy rival to force it from thee.Grip.When a thief is rival to his judge, the hangman will soon decide the difference.[ExitPhædra.EnterMercury,with two Swords.Merc.[Bowing.]Save your good lordship.Grip.From an impertinent coxcomb: I am out of humour, and am in haste; leave me.Merc.'Tis my duty to attend on your lordship, and to ease you of that undecent burden.Grip.Gold was never any burden to one of my profession.Merc.By your lordship's permission, Phædra has sent me to take it from you.Grip.What, by violence?Merc.[still bowing.]No; but by your honour's permission, I am to restore it to her, and persuade your lordship to renounce your pretensions to her.Grip.Tell her flatly, I will neither do one, nor t'other.Merc.O my good lord, I dare pass my word for your free consent to both.——Will your honour be pleased to take your choice of one of these?Grip.Why, these are swords: what have I to do with them?Merc.Only to take your choice of one of them, which your lordship pleases; and leave the other to your most obedient servant.Grip.What, one of these ungodly weapons? Take notice, I'll lay you by the heels, sirrah: this has the appearance of an unlawful bloody challenge.Merc.You magistrates are pleased to call it so, my lord; but with us swordmen, it is an honourable invitation to the cutting of one another's throats.Grip.Be answered; I have no throat to cut. The law shall decide our controversy.Merc.By your permission, my lord, it must be dispatched this way.Grip.I'll see thee hanged before I give thee any such permission, to dispatch me into another world.Merc.At the least, my lord, you have no occasion to complain of my want of respect to you. You will neither restore the goblet, nor renounce Phædra: I offer you the combat; you refuse it; all this is done in the forms of honour: It follows, that I am to affront, cudgel you, or kick you, at my own arbitrement; and, I suppose, you are too honourable not to approve of my proceeding.Grip.Here is a new sort of process, that was never heard of in any of our courts.Merc.This, my good lord, is law in short-hand, without your long preambles, and tedious repetitions that signify nothing but to squeeze the subject: therefore, with your lordship's favour, I begin.[Fillips him under the chin.Grip.What is this for?Merc.To give you an occasion of returning me a box o' the ear; that so all things may proceed methodically.Grip.I put in no answer, but suffer a non-suit.Merc.No, my lord; for the costs and charges are to be paid: will you please to restore the cup?Grip.I told thee, no.Merc.Then from your chin, I must ascend to your lordship's ears.Grip.Oh, oh, oh, oh!—Wilt thou never leave lugging me by the ears?Merc.Not till your lordship will be pleased to hear reason.[Pulling again.Grip.Take the cup, and the devil give thee joy on't.Merc.[Still holding him.]And your lordship will farther be graciously pleased, to release all claims, titles, and actions whatsoever, to Phædra: you must give me leave to add one smallmementofor that too.[Pulling him again.Grip.I renounce her; I release her.EnterPhædra.Merc.[To her.]Phædra, my lord has been pleased to be very gracious, without pushing matters to extremity.Phæd.I overheard it all; but give me livery and seisin of the goblet, in the first place.Merc.There is an act of oblivion should be passed too.Phæd.Let him begin to remember quarrels, when he dares; now I have him under my girdle, I'll cap verses with him to the end of the chapter.EnterAmphitryon,and Guards.Amph.[ToGripus.]At the last I have got possession without your lordship's warrant.—Phædra, tell Alcmena I am here.Phæd.I'll carry no such lying message: you arenot here, and you cannot be here; for, to my knowledge, you are above with my lady, in the chamber.Amph.All of a piece, and all witchcraft!—Answer me precisely: dost thou not know me for Amphitryon?Phæd.Answer me first: did you give me a diamond and a purse of gold?Amph.Thou knowest I did not.Phæd.Then, by the same token, I know you are not the true Amphitryon: if you are he, I am sure I left you in bed with your own wife. Now you had best stretch out a leg, and feel about for a fair lady.Amph.I'll undo this enchantment with my sword, and kill the sorcerer.—Come up, gentlemen, and follow me.[To the Guards.Phæd.I'll save you the labour, and call him down to confront you, if you dare attend him.[ExitPhædra.Merc.[Aside.]Now the spell is ended, and Jupiter can enchant no more; or else Amphitryon had not entered so easily.[Gripusis stealing off.]—Whither now, Gripus? I have business for you: if you offer to stir, you know what follows.EnterJupiter,followed byTranioandPolidas.
EnterGripusandPhædra.Gripushas the Goblet in his hand.Phæd.You will not be so base to take it from me?Grip.'Tis my proper chattel; and I'll seize my own, in whatever hands I find it.Phæd.You know I only showed it you, to provoke your generosity, that you might out-bid your rival with a better present.Grip.My rival is a thief; and I'll indite you for a receiver of stolen goods.Phæd.Thou hide-bound lover!Grip.Thou very mercenary mistress!Phæd.Thou most mercenary magistrate!Grip.Thou seller of thyself!Phæd.Thou seller of other people: thou weather-cock of government; that, when the wind blows for the subject, pointest to privilege; and when it changes for the sovereign, veerest to prerogative[9]!Grip.Will you compound, and take it as my present?Phæd.No; but I'll send thy rival to force it from thee.Grip.When a thief is rival to his judge, the hangman will soon decide the difference.[ExitPhædra.EnterMercury,with two Swords.Merc.[Bowing.]Save your good lordship.Grip.From an impertinent coxcomb: I am out of humour, and am in haste; leave me.Merc.'Tis my duty to attend on your lordship, and to ease you of that undecent burden.Grip.Gold was never any burden to one of my profession.Merc.By your lordship's permission, Phædra has sent me to take it from you.Grip.What, by violence?Merc.[still bowing.]No; but by your honour's permission, I am to restore it to her, and persuade your lordship to renounce your pretensions to her.Grip.Tell her flatly, I will neither do one, nor t'other.Merc.O my good lord, I dare pass my word for your free consent to both.——Will your honour be pleased to take your choice of one of these?Grip.Why, these are swords: what have I to do with them?Merc.Only to take your choice of one of them, which your lordship pleases; and leave the other to your most obedient servant.Grip.What, one of these ungodly weapons? Take notice, I'll lay you by the heels, sirrah: this has the appearance of an unlawful bloody challenge.Merc.You magistrates are pleased to call it so, my lord; but with us swordmen, it is an honourable invitation to the cutting of one another's throats.Grip.Be answered; I have no throat to cut. The law shall decide our controversy.Merc.By your permission, my lord, it must be dispatched this way.Grip.I'll see thee hanged before I give thee any such permission, to dispatch me into another world.Merc.At the least, my lord, you have no occasion to complain of my want of respect to you. You will neither restore the goblet, nor renounce Phædra: I offer you the combat; you refuse it; all this is done in the forms of honour: It follows, that I am to affront, cudgel you, or kick you, at my own arbitrement; and, I suppose, you are too honourable not to approve of my proceeding.Grip.Here is a new sort of process, that was never heard of in any of our courts.Merc.This, my good lord, is law in short-hand, without your long preambles, and tedious repetitions that signify nothing but to squeeze the subject: therefore, with your lordship's favour, I begin.[Fillips him under the chin.Grip.What is this for?Merc.To give you an occasion of returning me a box o' the ear; that so all things may proceed methodically.Grip.I put in no answer, but suffer a non-suit.Merc.No, my lord; for the costs and charges are to be paid: will you please to restore the cup?Grip.I told thee, no.Merc.Then from your chin, I must ascend to your lordship's ears.Grip.Oh, oh, oh, oh!—Wilt thou never leave lugging me by the ears?Merc.Not till your lordship will be pleased to hear reason.[Pulling again.Grip.Take the cup, and the devil give thee joy on't.Merc.[Still holding him.]And your lordship will farther be graciously pleased, to release all claims, titles, and actions whatsoever, to Phædra: you must give me leave to add one smallmementofor that too.[Pulling him again.Grip.I renounce her; I release her.EnterPhædra.Merc.[To her.]Phædra, my lord has been pleased to be very gracious, without pushing matters to extremity.Phæd.I overheard it all; but give me livery and seisin of the goblet, in the first place.Merc.There is an act of oblivion should be passed too.Phæd.Let him begin to remember quarrels, when he dares; now I have him under my girdle, I'll cap verses with him to the end of the chapter.EnterAmphitryon,and Guards.Amph.[ToGripus.]At the last I have got possession without your lordship's warrant.—Phædra, tell Alcmena I am here.Phæd.I'll carry no such lying message: you arenot here, and you cannot be here; for, to my knowledge, you are above with my lady, in the chamber.Amph.All of a piece, and all witchcraft!—Answer me precisely: dost thou not know me for Amphitryon?Phæd.Answer me first: did you give me a diamond and a purse of gold?Amph.Thou knowest I did not.Phæd.Then, by the same token, I know you are not the true Amphitryon: if you are he, I am sure I left you in bed with your own wife. Now you had best stretch out a leg, and feel about for a fair lady.Amph.I'll undo this enchantment with my sword, and kill the sorcerer.—Come up, gentlemen, and follow me.[To the Guards.Phæd.I'll save you the labour, and call him down to confront you, if you dare attend him.[ExitPhædra.Merc.[Aside.]Now the spell is ended, and Jupiter can enchant no more; or else Amphitryon had not entered so easily.[Gripusis stealing off.]—Whither now, Gripus? I have business for you: if you offer to stir, you know what follows.EnterJupiter,followed byTranioandPolidas.
EnterGripusandPhædra.Gripushas the Goblet in his hand.
Phæd.You will not be so base to take it from me?
Grip.'Tis my proper chattel; and I'll seize my own, in whatever hands I find it.
Phæd.You know I only showed it you, to provoke your generosity, that you might out-bid your rival with a better present.
Grip.My rival is a thief; and I'll indite you for a receiver of stolen goods.
Phæd.Thou hide-bound lover!
Grip.Thou very mercenary mistress!
Phæd.Thou most mercenary magistrate!
Grip.Thou seller of thyself!
Phæd.Thou seller of other people: thou weather-cock of government; that, when the wind blows for the subject, pointest to privilege; and when it changes for the sovereign, veerest to prerogative[9]!
Grip.Will you compound, and take it as my present?
Phæd.No; but I'll send thy rival to force it from thee.
Grip.When a thief is rival to his judge, the hangman will soon decide the difference.
[ExitPhædra.
EnterMercury,with two Swords.
Merc.[Bowing.]Save your good lordship.
Grip.From an impertinent coxcomb: I am out of humour, and am in haste; leave me.
Merc.'Tis my duty to attend on your lordship, and to ease you of that undecent burden.
Grip.Gold was never any burden to one of my profession.
Merc.By your lordship's permission, Phædra has sent me to take it from you.
Grip.What, by violence?
Merc.[still bowing.]No; but by your honour's permission, I am to restore it to her, and persuade your lordship to renounce your pretensions to her.
Grip.Tell her flatly, I will neither do one, nor t'other.
Merc.O my good lord, I dare pass my word for your free consent to both.——Will your honour be pleased to take your choice of one of these?
Grip.Why, these are swords: what have I to do with them?
Merc.Only to take your choice of one of them, which your lordship pleases; and leave the other to your most obedient servant.
Grip.What, one of these ungodly weapons? Take notice, I'll lay you by the heels, sirrah: this has the appearance of an unlawful bloody challenge.
Merc.You magistrates are pleased to call it so, my lord; but with us swordmen, it is an honourable invitation to the cutting of one another's throats.
Grip.Be answered; I have no throat to cut. The law shall decide our controversy.
Merc.By your permission, my lord, it must be dispatched this way.
Grip.I'll see thee hanged before I give thee any such permission, to dispatch me into another world.
Merc.At the least, my lord, you have no occasion to complain of my want of respect to you. You will neither restore the goblet, nor renounce Phædra: I offer you the combat; you refuse it; all this is done in the forms of honour: It follows, that I am to affront, cudgel you, or kick you, at my own arbitrement; and, I suppose, you are too honourable not to approve of my proceeding.
Grip.Here is a new sort of process, that was never heard of in any of our courts.
Merc.This, my good lord, is law in short-hand, without your long preambles, and tedious repetitions that signify nothing but to squeeze the subject: therefore, with your lordship's favour, I begin.[Fillips him under the chin.
Grip.What is this for?
Merc.To give you an occasion of returning me a box o' the ear; that so all things may proceed methodically.
Grip.I put in no answer, but suffer a non-suit.
Merc.No, my lord; for the costs and charges are to be paid: will you please to restore the cup?
Grip.I told thee, no.
Merc.Then from your chin, I must ascend to your lordship's ears.
Grip.Oh, oh, oh, oh!—Wilt thou never leave lugging me by the ears?
Merc.Not till your lordship will be pleased to hear reason.[Pulling again.
Grip.Take the cup, and the devil give thee joy on't.
Merc.[Still holding him.]And your lordship will farther be graciously pleased, to release all claims, titles, and actions whatsoever, to Phædra: you must give me leave to add one smallmementofor that too.[Pulling him again.
Grip.I renounce her; I release her.
EnterPhædra.
Merc.[To her.]Phædra, my lord has been pleased to be very gracious, without pushing matters to extremity.
Phæd.I overheard it all; but give me livery and seisin of the goblet, in the first place.
Merc.There is an act of oblivion should be passed too.
Phæd.Let him begin to remember quarrels, when he dares; now I have him under my girdle, I'll cap verses with him to the end of the chapter.
EnterAmphitryon,and Guards.
Amph.[ToGripus.]At the last I have got possession without your lordship's warrant.—Phædra, tell Alcmena I am here.
Phæd.I'll carry no such lying message: you arenot here, and you cannot be here; for, to my knowledge, you are above with my lady, in the chamber.
Amph.All of a piece, and all witchcraft!—Answer me precisely: dost thou not know me for Amphitryon?
Phæd.Answer me first: did you give me a diamond and a purse of gold?
Amph.Thou knowest I did not.
Phæd.Then, by the same token, I know you are not the true Amphitryon: if you are he, I am sure I left you in bed with your own wife. Now you had best stretch out a leg, and feel about for a fair lady.
Amph.I'll undo this enchantment with my sword, and kill the sorcerer.—Come up, gentlemen, and follow me.[To the Guards.
Phæd.I'll save you the labour, and call him down to confront you, if you dare attend him.[ExitPhædra.
Merc.[Aside.]Now the spell is ended, and Jupiter can enchant no more; or else Amphitryon had not entered so easily.[Gripusis stealing off.]—Whither now, Gripus? I have business for you: if you offer to stir, you know what follows.
EnterJupiter,followed byTranioandPolidas.
Jup.Who dares to play the master in my house?What noise is this that calls me from above,Invades my soft recess and privacy,And, like a tide, breaks in upon my love?Amph.O heavens, what's this I see?Tran.What prodigy!Pol.How! two Amphitryons!Grip.I have beheld the appearance of two suns,But still the false was dimmer than the true;Here, both shine out alike.Amph.This is a sight, that, like the gorgon's head,Runs through my limbs, and stiffens me to stone.I need no more inquire into my fate;For what I see resolves my doubts too plain.
Jup.Who dares to play the master in my house?What noise is this that calls me from above,Invades my soft recess and privacy,And, like a tide, breaks in upon my love?Amph.O heavens, what's this I see?Tran.What prodigy!Pol.How! two Amphitryons!Grip.I have beheld the appearance of two suns,But still the false was dimmer than the true;Here, both shine out alike.Amph.This is a sight, that, like the gorgon's head,Runs through my limbs, and stiffens me to stone.I need no more inquire into my fate;For what I see resolves my doubts too plain.
Jup.Who dares to play the master in my house?What noise is this that calls me from above,Invades my soft recess and privacy,And, like a tide, breaks in upon my love?
Jup.Who dares to play the master in my house?
What noise is this that calls me from above,
Invades my soft recess and privacy,
And, like a tide, breaks in upon my love?
Amph.O heavens, what's this I see?
Amph.O heavens, what's this I see?
Tran.What prodigy!
Tran.What prodigy!
Pol.How! two Amphitryons!
Pol.How! two Amphitryons!
Grip.I have beheld the appearance of two suns,But still the false was dimmer than the true;Here, both shine out alike.
Grip.I have beheld the appearance of two suns,
But still the false was dimmer than the true;
Here, both shine out alike.
Amph.This is a sight, that, like the gorgon's head,Runs through my limbs, and stiffens me to stone.I need no more inquire into my fate;For what I see resolves my doubts too plain.
Amph.This is a sight, that, like the gorgon's head,
Runs through my limbs, and stiffens me to stone.
I need no more inquire into my fate;
For what I see resolves my doubts too plain.
Tran.Two drops of water cannot be more like.Pol.They are two very sames.Merc.Our Jupiter is a great comedian, he counterfeits most admirably: sure his priests have copied their hypocrisy from their master.[Aside.
Tran.Two drops of water cannot be more like.Pol.They are two very sames.Merc.Our Jupiter is a great comedian, he counterfeits most admirably: sure his priests have copied their hypocrisy from their master.[Aside.
Tran.Two drops of water cannot be more like.
Pol.They are two very sames.
Merc.Our Jupiter is a great comedian, he counterfeits most admirably: sure his priests have copied their hypocrisy from their master.[Aside.
Amph.Now I am gathered back into myself:My heart beats high, and pushes out the blood,[Drawing his sword.To give me just revenge on this impostor.If you are brave, assist me—not one stirs![To the Guards.What, are all bribed to take the enchanter's part?'Tis true, the work is mine; and thus——[Going to rush uponJupiter;and is held byTranioandPolidas.Pol.It must not be.Jup.Give him his way; I dare the madman's worst:But still take notice, that it looks not likeThe true Amphitryon, to fly out at firstTo brutal force: it shews he doubts his cause,Who dares not trust his reason to defend it.Amph.Thou base usurper of my name and bed![Struggling.No less than thy heart's blood can wash awayThe affronts I have sustained.Tran.We must not sufferSo strange a duel, as AmphitryonTo fight against himself.Pol.Nor think we wrong you, when we hold your hands:We know our duty to our general;We know the ties of friendship to our friend;But who that friend, or who that general is,Without more certain proofs, betwixt you two,Is hard to be distinguished, by our reason;Impossible, by sight.Amph.I know it, and have satisfied myself;I am the true Amphitryon.Jup.See again,He shuns the certain proofs; and dares not standImpartial judgment, and award of right.But, since Alcmena's honour is concerned,Whom, more than heaven, and all the world, I love,This I propose, as equal to us both:—Tranio and Polidas, be you assistants;The guards be ready to secure the impostor,When once so proved, for public punishment;And Gripus, be thou umpire of the cause.
Amph.Now I am gathered back into myself:My heart beats high, and pushes out the blood,[Drawing his sword.To give me just revenge on this impostor.If you are brave, assist me—not one stirs![To the Guards.What, are all bribed to take the enchanter's part?'Tis true, the work is mine; and thus——[Going to rush uponJupiter;and is held byTranioandPolidas.Pol.It must not be.Jup.Give him his way; I dare the madman's worst:But still take notice, that it looks not likeThe true Amphitryon, to fly out at firstTo brutal force: it shews he doubts his cause,Who dares not trust his reason to defend it.Amph.Thou base usurper of my name and bed![Struggling.No less than thy heart's blood can wash awayThe affronts I have sustained.Tran.We must not sufferSo strange a duel, as AmphitryonTo fight against himself.Pol.Nor think we wrong you, when we hold your hands:We know our duty to our general;We know the ties of friendship to our friend;But who that friend, or who that general is,Without more certain proofs, betwixt you two,Is hard to be distinguished, by our reason;Impossible, by sight.Amph.I know it, and have satisfied myself;I am the true Amphitryon.Jup.See again,He shuns the certain proofs; and dares not standImpartial judgment, and award of right.But, since Alcmena's honour is concerned,Whom, more than heaven, and all the world, I love,This I propose, as equal to us both:—Tranio and Polidas, be you assistants;The guards be ready to secure the impostor,When once so proved, for public punishment;And Gripus, be thou umpire of the cause.
Amph.Now I am gathered back into myself:My heart beats high, and pushes out the blood,[Drawing his sword.To give me just revenge on this impostor.If you are brave, assist me—not one stirs![To the Guards.What, are all bribed to take the enchanter's part?'Tis true, the work is mine; and thus——
Amph.Now I am gathered back into myself:
My heart beats high, and pushes out the blood,[Drawing his sword.
To give me just revenge on this impostor.
If you are brave, assist me—not one stirs![To the Guards.
What, are all bribed to take the enchanter's part?
'Tis true, the work is mine; and thus——
[Going to rush uponJupiter;and is held byTranioandPolidas.
[Going to rush uponJupiter;and is held byTranioandPolidas.
Pol.It must not be.
Pol.It must not be.
Jup.Give him his way; I dare the madman's worst:But still take notice, that it looks not likeThe true Amphitryon, to fly out at firstTo brutal force: it shews he doubts his cause,Who dares not trust his reason to defend it.
Jup.Give him his way; I dare the madman's worst:
But still take notice, that it looks not like
The true Amphitryon, to fly out at first
To brutal force: it shews he doubts his cause,
Who dares not trust his reason to defend it.
Amph.Thou base usurper of my name and bed![Struggling.No less than thy heart's blood can wash awayThe affronts I have sustained.
Amph.Thou base usurper of my name and bed![Struggling.
No less than thy heart's blood can wash away
The affronts I have sustained.
Tran.We must not sufferSo strange a duel, as AmphitryonTo fight against himself.
Tran.We must not suffer
So strange a duel, as Amphitryon
To fight against himself.
Pol.Nor think we wrong you, when we hold your hands:We know our duty to our general;We know the ties of friendship to our friend;But who that friend, or who that general is,Without more certain proofs, betwixt you two,Is hard to be distinguished, by our reason;Impossible, by sight.
Pol.Nor think we wrong you, when we hold your hands:
We know our duty to our general;
We know the ties of friendship to our friend;
But who that friend, or who that general is,
Without more certain proofs, betwixt you two,
Is hard to be distinguished, by our reason;
Impossible, by sight.
Amph.I know it, and have satisfied myself;I am the true Amphitryon.
Amph.I know it, and have satisfied myself;
I am the true Amphitryon.
Jup.See again,He shuns the certain proofs; and dares not standImpartial judgment, and award of right.But, since Alcmena's honour is concerned,Whom, more than heaven, and all the world, I love,This I propose, as equal to us both:—Tranio and Polidas, be you assistants;The guards be ready to secure the impostor,When once so proved, for public punishment;And Gripus, be thou umpire of the cause.
Jup.See again,
He shuns the certain proofs; and dares not stand
Impartial judgment, and award of right.
But, since Alcmena's honour is concerned,
Whom, more than heaven, and all the world, I love,
This I propose, as equal to us both:—
Tranio and Polidas, be you assistants;
The guards be ready to secure the impostor,
When once so proved, for public punishment;
And Gripus, be thou umpire of the cause.
Amph.I am content: let him proceed to examination.Grip.On whose side would you please that I should give the sentence?[Aside toMerc.Merc.Follow thy conscience for once; but not to make a custom of it neither, nor to leave an evil precedent of uprightness to future judges.[Aside.]—'Tis a good thing to have a magistrate under correction: your old fornicating judge dares never give sentence against him that knows his haunts.Pol.Your lordship knows I was master of Amphitryon's ship; and desire to know of him, what passed, in private, betwixt us two at his landing, when he was just ready to engage the enemy?Grip.Let the true Amphitryon answer first.Jup. and Amph. together.My lord, I told him——Grip.Peace, both of you:—'Tis a plain case they are both true; for they both speak together: but, for more certainty, let the false Amphitryon speak first.Merc.Now they are both silent.Grip.Then 'tis plain, on the other side, that they are both false Amphitryons.Merc.Which Amphitryon shall speak first?Grip.Let the cholerick Amphitryon speak; and let the peaceable hold his peace.Amph.[To Polid.]You may remember that I whispered you, not to part from the stern one single moment.Polid.You did so.Grip.No more words then: I proceed to sentence.Jup.'Twas I that whispered him; and he may remember I gave him this reason for it, that, if our men were beaten, I might secure my own retreat.Polid.You did so.Grip.Now again he is as true as the other.Tran.You know I was paymaster: what directions did you give me the night before the battle?Grip.To which of the you's art thou speaking?Merc.It should be a double u; but they have no such letter in their tongue.[Aside.Amph.I ordered you to take particular care of the great bag.Grip.Why this is demonstration.Jup.The bag, that I recommended to you, was of tygers-skin; and marked Beta.Grip.In sadness, I think they are both jugglers: here is nothing, and here is nothing; and thenhiccius doccius, and they are both here again.Tran.You peaceable Amphitryon, what money was there in that bag?Jup.The sum, in gross, amounted just to fifty Attick talents.Tran.To a farthing.Grip.Paugh: Obvious, obvious.Amph.Two thousand pieces of gold were tied up in a handkerchief, by themselves.Tran.I remember it.Grip.Then it is dubious again.Jup.But the rest was not all silver; for there were just four thousand brass half-pence.Grip.Being but brass, the proof is inconsiderable: if they had been silver, it had gone on your side.Amph.Death and hell, you will not persuade me, that I did not kill Pterelas?[ToJupiter.Jup.Nor you me, that I did not enjoy Alcmena?
Amph.I am content: let him proceed to examination.Grip.On whose side would you please that I should give the sentence?[Aside toMerc.Merc.Follow thy conscience for once; but not to make a custom of it neither, nor to leave an evil precedent of uprightness to future judges.[Aside.]—'Tis a good thing to have a magistrate under correction: your old fornicating judge dares never give sentence against him that knows his haunts.Pol.Your lordship knows I was master of Amphitryon's ship; and desire to know of him, what passed, in private, betwixt us two at his landing, when he was just ready to engage the enemy?Grip.Let the true Amphitryon answer first.Jup. and Amph. together.My lord, I told him——Grip.Peace, both of you:—'Tis a plain case they are both true; for they both speak together: but, for more certainty, let the false Amphitryon speak first.Merc.Now they are both silent.Grip.Then 'tis plain, on the other side, that they are both false Amphitryons.Merc.Which Amphitryon shall speak first?Grip.Let the cholerick Amphitryon speak; and let the peaceable hold his peace.Amph.[To Polid.]You may remember that I whispered you, not to part from the stern one single moment.Polid.You did so.Grip.No more words then: I proceed to sentence.Jup.'Twas I that whispered him; and he may remember I gave him this reason for it, that, if our men were beaten, I might secure my own retreat.Polid.You did so.Grip.Now again he is as true as the other.Tran.You know I was paymaster: what directions did you give me the night before the battle?Grip.To which of the you's art thou speaking?Merc.It should be a double u; but they have no such letter in their tongue.[Aside.Amph.I ordered you to take particular care of the great bag.Grip.Why this is demonstration.Jup.The bag, that I recommended to you, was of tygers-skin; and marked Beta.Grip.In sadness, I think they are both jugglers: here is nothing, and here is nothing; and thenhiccius doccius, and they are both here again.Tran.You peaceable Amphitryon, what money was there in that bag?Jup.The sum, in gross, amounted just to fifty Attick talents.Tran.To a farthing.Grip.Paugh: Obvious, obvious.Amph.Two thousand pieces of gold were tied up in a handkerchief, by themselves.Tran.I remember it.Grip.Then it is dubious again.Jup.But the rest was not all silver; for there were just four thousand brass half-pence.Grip.Being but brass, the proof is inconsiderable: if they had been silver, it had gone on your side.Amph.Death and hell, you will not persuade me, that I did not kill Pterelas?[ToJupiter.Jup.Nor you me, that I did not enjoy Alcmena?
Amph.I am content: let him proceed to examination.
Grip.On whose side would you please that I should give the sentence?
[Aside toMerc.
Merc.Follow thy conscience for once; but not to make a custom of it neither, nor to leave an evil precedent of uprightness to future judges.[Aside.]—'Tis a good thing to have a magistrate under correction: your old fornicating judge dares never give sentence against him that knows his haunts.
Pol.Your lordship knows I was master of Amphitryon's ship; and desire to know of him, what passed, in private, betwixt us two at his landing, when he was just ready to engage the enemy?
Grip.Let the true Amphitryon answer first.
Jup. and Amph. together.My lord, I told him——
Grip.Peace, both of you:—'Tis a plain case they are both true; for they both speak together: but, for more certainty, let the false Amphitryon speak first.
Merc.Now they are both silent.
Grip.Then 'tis plain, on the other side, that they are both false Amphitryons.
Merc.Which Amphitryon shall speak first?
Grip.Let the cholerick Amphitryon speak; and let the peaceable hold his peace.
Amph.[To Polid.]You may remember that I whispered you, not to part from the stern one single moment.
Polid.You did so.
Grip.No more words then: I proceed to sentence.
Jup.'Twas I that whispered him; and he may remember I gave him this reason for it, that, if our men were beaten, I might secure my own retreat.
Polid.You did so.
Grip.Now again he is as true as the other.
Tran.You know I was paymaster: what directions did you give me the night before the battle?
Grip.To which of the you's art thou speaking?
Merc.It should be a double u; but they have no such letter in their tongue.[Aside.
Amph.I ordered you to take particular care of the great bag.
Grip.Why this is demonstration.
Jup.The bag, that I recommended to you, was of tygers-skin; and marked Beta.
Grip.In sadness, I think they are both jugglers: here is nothing, and here is nothing; and thenhiccius doccius, and they are both here again.
Tran.You peaceable Amphitryon, what money was there in that bag?
Jup.The sum, in gross, amounted just to fifty Attick talents.
Tran.To a farthing.
Grip.Paugh: Obvious, obvious.
Amph.Two thousand pieces of gold were tied up in a handkerchief, by themselves.
Tran.I remember it.
Grip.Then it is dubious again.
Jup.But the rest was not all silver; for there were just four thousand brass half-pence.
Grip.Being but brass, the proof is inconsiderable: if they had been silver, it had gone on your side.
Amph.Death and hell, you will not persuade me, that I did not kill Pterelas?[ToJupiter.
Jup.Nor you me, that I did not enjoy Alcmena?